If you do it , I will give you credit in the grant text for the mission.
I cannot tell in advance how much time it will require, but on the other hand I try only to amuse some like minds, not writing some poems, so expectations shouldn't be so high, considering that I am not english mother tongue
The last hostage group has "interact. Should change it to an appropriate response.
Sector Map A-2
I recommend spreading out the NPCs at the freighter some.
Desert A-1
Add respawn point at the "Rescue 6 groups of hostages" objective.
Desert A-2
You have a solid and well-built outpost here.
The optional dialogues add to the story.
Sector Map A-3
Nothing major to note.
Breen Station
Major notes will be added at the end.
Bridge
Nice work on the assimilated parts here.
I've noticed the Bible references, are you Christian ?
Overall Thoughts: I was kinda on the fence for this mission. I know this is your first mission and it's mighty impressive for it being your first. Which is why I will treat it as such, a first mission. However, I did get kinda lost in the story and that may be due to some of the issues I ran into personally.
Let's start with combat. I noticed you had many large enemy groups packed together, meaning you would be often fighting more than two or three low level squads at a time. I felt some of these mobs could have been separated more. Had there been more enemy variety, it may not have been so bad. To me, personally, fighting tons of Breen spam can get annoying if packed so closely together. They ended up getting monotonous really fast. This also applies for the space portions too.
The second issue I had trouble with was the "End conversation." I felt that this kinda took out some of the immersion for me. I would recommend adding appropriate "RP" captain responses instead of text such as that. There was also some usage of the "continue button." I recommend changing these to captain responses as well to build the immersion.
Now, there were things I found interesting. I like the inclusion of the trivia puzzles for objectives. I also enjoyed some of your scenery work. I felt the Terran ground base was well made. I also noticed your Bible references. I assume you are a Christian denomination, which is cool, I am too. We'll have to talk in-game hehe.
Overall, I gave this a 5/5 despite some major issues because it is still a VERY WELL put together mission for a 1st timer. If you take these points and apply them to future content and this mission, I think you have a promising foundry career ahead of you.
Suggest moving the spawns back so the player does not get ambushed while loading the map.
Very nice work on the scenery.
Main Engineering
Excellent work on the warp core scenery
VL-245
Portal effect is well timed.
Holodeck
An interesting twist.
This was a well-made mission and I cannot wait for part two. The dialogue was well written and clean and had a nice twist at the end. The maps were really well made. 5/5 easily, well done.
NPF Homeworld
Suggest moving the starting spawn point closer to the first objective.
Nothing much to really note.
NPF Homeworld
Some NPCs are placed on the walls.
NPF Homeworld Space map, take 2.
Nothing major to note.
This is the author's first mission and as such, contains some of the common first author mistakes. I was somewhat on the fence between a 3 and 4 star on this one. There is not much story and it's mainly battles of the same type that get you from each plot point to the next. What little dialogue there is, is written clean and well though.
Some points to recommend. Add more variety to the story objectives. I noticed a lot of usage of "Go to the next map." I suggest changing that to actual dialogue in the mission to keep immersion in. The same should be said for the "continue button." Another suggestion is to spruce up your maps some. Most did not really have much added to them. The best map was the first forest ground map but that was just the default though.
I gave 4 for showing potential. I hope to see even better work in the next two parts.
Thank you for the review! As you said, being my first mission, I feel it was rather rushed as far as development. I look forward to being able to rework it with your suggestions, and really add my own design to some of the maps.
Thank you for the review. Glad you liked my first foundry mission. Part two is called VARIANCE and is well into development. I set a date of Oct 7th 2014 but im sure it will be ready to go before that date!
Suggest moving the spawns back so the player does not get ambushed while loading the map.
Very nice work on the scenery.
Main Engineering
Excellent work on the warp core scenery
VL-245
Portal effect is well timed.
Holodeck
An interesting twist.
This was a well-made mission and I cannot wait for part two. The dialogue was well written and clean and had a nice twist at the end. The maps were really well made. 5/5 easily, well done.
I suggesting removing the numbers from the security guards.
Some Klingons on the beach have their default names with the numbers, suggest changing this.
Several Fed npcs also have the same issue.
Room
Nothing major to note. Maybe spruce it up a bit more.
Risa
Nothing major to note.
Meeting Room
Change the npc names from the default versions with numbers, this takes away immersion.
Photonic Assault
Same advice as the last map.
This room is really bare and I would suggest adding more scenery.
Risa
Frosted boots or motion accelerator are helpful here.
Risa Space
Nothing major to note.
S.S. Talkea
Interior is somewhat bare, suggesting adding scenery.
Overall thoughts: Much better than your first mission. I can already see improvement. There are still a few minor issues to fix but I feel you are on the right track, 5/5.
Portal is labeled as "FX, portal, time." Suggest changing this.
Solaris System
Same issue as above.
Earth
Nothing major to note.
NPF Homeworld
Nothing major to note.
NPF Homeworld Space
This is a well made space map.
Solaris 2
Nothing to note.
Shadowkind Earth
Nothing to note.
Factory
Fed NPC in room one has the default name and number.
Same issue in room 2.
Room 2 is bare and could use more scenery objects.
Fed NPC in room three has the same issue as before.
Controller Station
Nothing major to note.
Solaris Three
I recommend having the opening dialogue tied to a reach marker, then spawn the fleet battle.
Once again, even better than its predecessor. Keep it up with fixing the issues that have popped up in the series and you will be well on your way. 5/5
I suggest moving the ISS ship farther away from the initial spawn to prevent fighting before the dialogue begins.
Mirror Badlands
Suggesting changing the background to the correct backdrop.
Scanning the Obsidian cruiser has the "invisible object name." Suggest changing this.
Fixed!
Sunset Blues Deck
I suggest changing the doors to actual walls with doors in theme.
For some reason I thought the Federation doors would fit the Federation doorways. Haha, silly me. Fixed.
Mirror Wormhole
Map transfer did not take place, sent a mail.
Unfortunately I was unable to finish but I believe I was near the end anyway. I gave it a 5/5 for a good story. Just need to get those last few bugs.
Keep up the good work!
Yep, you were on the last major map. The next one was just a little "so let me get this straight..." type round-up.
Glad you liked it! Thanks for the review, and sorry you had to deal with all the shenanigans with the map transfers.
I am NikkoJT, Foundry author and terrible player. Follow me!
There used to be a picture here, but they changed signatures and I can't be bothered to replace it.
This was one of the best first missions I've ever played from an author. Again, are you sure this is your first lol? I have 6 missions on my belt and I have not even attempted to create custom structures like you have, haha! Easily 5/5. The detail is amazing and the dialogue is excellent. It will be earning my vote in foundry challenge 9.
That first map is built in the black space of the Dimorus Interior map. I used the Bortas Bridge backdrop to achieve the darkness. In early publishes it was even darker, but some players who tested the map in its early stages informed me that it was too dark and sacrificed visibility altogether.
This is indeed my first published mission. I've been tinkering with the foundry for a while, though, and have read a lot of discussion among established authors, and watched a good number of podcasts. For all the frustrations, foundry has a terrific community around it.
Hey Ashkrik23, Could you please review the final mission in my trilogy:
The Unsung Mission: Inferno. @starfarertheta
Federation [Under the review tab.]
I'm looking to give it the final update 2.0 treatment so that I can dive into my other projects (when I can), but I need to know what should be changed or if there's anything that needs to be fixed in this mission before moving on.
I played this mission at level 16 as recommended by the author. This was done on my new tactical Caitian on elite mode.
Azure Approach
Well written dialogue establishes a back story for the species we are about to encounter.
Well made map.
Azure Nebula First Battle
The Romulan reinforcements loop the warp-in animation if left alone. I suggest just having them spawn normally without an animation.
The dialogue provides more variety should the player wish to learn more about this new species. Nice touch.
Also a nicely made map.
Drakkathii Prime
A well made map.
I like the inclusion of their own unique ships.
The Nexus
Nothing major to note.
Departure
You could potentially have this dialogue at the end of the previous map and make the loading screen be the "warping" to the colony. This saves loading time.
Restus
Nothing major to note.
Restus Ground
Excellent work on giving the sense of a destroyed town.
Restus Departure
Nothing major to note.
Payreer System
Nothing major to note.
U.S.S. Katherine
Excellent effects to simulate a ship under extreme stress.
Payreer Escape
Some ships loop the warp-in animation. Suggest changing this to no animation.
I.K.S. Kryas
Fun and tough battles on elite mode here.
Skyfire
Nothing major to note.
Klingon Offensive
A fun final battle.
Overall opinion: I have been lucky with finding a string of first-timer missions that are amazing. This one is no exception. Taking at least 60 minutes, this mission is excellent for those who enjoy those long trek adventures. The author has meticulously crafted a large mission with so much polish, I honestly could not tell it was his first one had he not said it before. Dialogue is written very well. Maps are excellent and serve their purpose.
This is easily 5/5. You have a great foundry career ahead of you. I look forward to your next mission.
Do you think you could review Cold Remembrance (ST-HJWRBFRDO)? It's my first Foundry Challenge mission so I'd like to get as much feedback as I can.
Things to note:
I am aware that the entrance is a little hard to find, but I can't change this until voting finishes. It's located near the weapons vendor on the Promenade.
I recommend playing a couple of times to get the alternate dialogue options. It's not super long so hopefully you'll be able to.
Thanks!
I am NikkoJT, Foundry author and terrible player. Follow me!
There used to be a picture here, but they changed signatures and I can't be bothered to replace it.
Just in the beginning, in the grant text you should check
"a blockcade has been put around"... maybe you would type
"blockade"
deep space 9 surrounding map
An intriguing map. You begin to have a certain punch with
space maps.
The Voth patrols have been pleasingly hard to get over
with.
Your advices about bringing a medic with me are worrying..
does it means that you haven't placed additional re-spawns
points on the ds9 interior map...?
Interior ds9
...here we go... the usual interior massacre...good
customization of it anyway. Just passed over the not-
hurting flames in the floor... if I should request
something it will be simlpy this, to have HURTING fx, like
gas/plasma/fire leaks, or simply fire on the ground ..or
explosions, for that matter. Uhh, what a mess you've made
with it... fortunately DS9 wasn't my preferite ST show !
That was weird... I could not save the crotched Ferengi
under the shelfs until I crotched myself.. I'd put a
warning, or a trace for this, a casual foundry player can
give u 1 star and abort your mission,if can't understand he
have to crotch... a player gave that to me when failed a
reach marker in space (which many others had hooked to it
fine...)- For the record... I would have let the Ferengi
seller at l'Zira's grasp, but that's me..
Find a way to Bajoran map
I can't help but notice a discrepancy on a NPC ship called
Typhoon class battleship.. the yellow markings identify her
as a Mirror Federation ship !! If you like to change that
is really simple because that is a NPC contact called
Federation Battleship... there are two of them, a Typhoon
Mirror Fed, and the other immediately under, named also
"Federation Battleship" who has normal whitish our side Fed
markings. Up to you pal...
Another good bloodshed in space I must add... liked the
roms coming in just before I was going to beam down... nice
touch.
hathon siege map.
Good job here. I remember your first times in Hathon, when
you used to free Mugathos for a living... you made giant
steps really.
Customization is REALLY good, with foam/ice and the rest...
not to mention the enemy. To "enslave" them with that toxin
was a pretty good idea, that let you use these enemy
monsters like the Undines easily and in context. GOOD.
The Voth mech and his cohorts were tough but fun.
Your missions are action packed, and satisfying as
played... however yet I do not understand why l'Zira did
all the havoc she did... means that the (little) that miss
on your superb job is motivate... there is a war, OK... why
? And let me be clear, portraying L'Zira as "really, really
bad person" is not enough...
find L'Zira map
That gorgeous cave.. I used it too. Well, let's see if I
will find some answer to my last question..
I see your ferasans are... remans at heart.
A re-spawn point before the first enemy encounter would not
be bad...
I died countless times on last confrontation. It can be fun
if I'd have a lot of spare time...
You already know my adversity to ground combat...
fortunately you balanced this one with great space combat.
Stop L'Zira planet killers map -
Toughest Voth ships than the Planet Killers... maybe you
should modify the map so that you clear the Pl Killers
BEFORE the Voth...
Hathona end map
Nothing major to note
Good work on dialogs to various Caitian characters, perhaps
a bit redundant.
Let's wrap it up boy...
Playing your missions give the same effect as watching a
good action movie, and those stories let you do not think
too much. I wish your style could host more trek stories,
like moral dilemmas, or exploration tales, or scientific
breakthroughs "venting" disasters...
Until now you have perfected the same scheme over and
over... hope you find different paths for the future.
Thank you for the review. I will be looking at your suggestions during an upcoming update.
Why I'Zira did what she did will be revealed as the story progress. There is a lot of background information that has to be sorted through and inserted into the proper missions. Once I fully complete this series, it will all make sense hehe.
Be Prepared for the review of a lifetime! Be Prepared for sensational suggestions!
Helix requested I do a more in-depth review and help find as many typos as I could.
Opening dialogue
[12:21] [NPC] Soran Trane speaking. I'm the captain of a trade vessel, the "Santa Maria", I picked up a distress signal in Holberg system, moments before warping out of the system. I know this can seem convenient, but we did not have fuel enough to turn the ship around and warp back to Holberg. We did not spot any, but there were rumours of Elachi presence in the system. Will you answer this hail...? Go in the Kei System, Sirius Sector, to accept
Put a period after Maria, get rid of the comma. Remove the comma before "moments." Rumors is mispelled.
Holberg asteroid field
Officer: Sir...? I do pick Elachi warships, according to what that Soran Trane character said... Soran Trane was the dude who appeared in the grant mission dialog... Captain of the trade vessel "Santa Maria"
I suggest changing "I do pick" to, "I am picking up Elachi Warships, just like Soran Trane said."
I also noticed you had a mention of who the guy was. I am not sure if yer intending perfect immersion, but if so, I suggest changing the dialogue some to not have stuff like "dude" in it.
[12:41] [NPC] Captain Soran Trane: His face burst out in the Main Screen Vice Admiral ! We are being blocked at bay by port authority here at Bantralore III ! Surely there must been a misunderstanding.. I clearly stated that we did not answer directly the distress call only because warp process had been already started...
I suggest changing "burst out in" to "Bursts out on"
I recommend adding the word "have" before "been."
I recommend putting "directly" before "answer.
Add a the before "warp."
12:47] [NPC] Captain Soran Trane: sighing Well, yeah, I admit I cut a long story short on the Elachi... we saw them attacking that civilian ship, and we simply run away as fast as we could...
Recommend saying "Sorane sighs" in the OOC text. Change "run" to "ran."
12:49] [NPC] Your Tactical Officer: We got a fix on the Elachi squad position. I already passed nav data to helm console, sir
Add a "the" before "helm."
[12:52] [NPC] ...: Thank to heavens you are here... please, have a lock on me and transport me by beam... the reactors have been ripped by those monsters ! Everything will blow up any minute !!
Change "to" to "the." I recommend removing "by beam."
I have noticed a lot of your yellow OOC text does not begin with capital letters. I suggest changing this as it functions just like a normal sentence.
[12:56] [NPC] Aline Kapec: Uh... your turbolift is so fast... my head is spinning a bit... when you see her, your heart almost stops. She is one of the most beautiful woman you ever met
Add a "have" before "ever."
Excellent trigger work with the planet.
[1:01] [NPC] Aline Kapec: It doesn't work that way. The Elachi dwell into subspace very much like us, if not more. Maybe they wish to use this part of subspace... found already occupied made them angry... but with your help we will ensure our safety... her smile almost chokes off you of beauty...
Change "wish" to "wished." Change the 3rd sentence to, " instead they found it already occupied which made them angry..."
I recommend changing it to "Her smile's beauty almost leaves you breathless."
[1:07] [NPC] Your Guest: suddenly appears in the Main Screen That would not be necessary... Let me present... I am Flint, the responsible of this planet... I don't like the word "ruler", but I have to admit I am that too
Change "let me present" to "Let me explain." Put "man" in front of "the responsible."
Add a period after too.
1:09] [NPC] Flint: Please... do not be alarmed. We are a peaceful society. Can I invite you her on Rayna ? It's a beautiful world... and then I can explain why you should help with those Elachi
I suggest changing "Can I invite you her" to "Can I invite you all to Ranya?
Add a period after Elachi.
1:11] [NPC] Your Science Officer: Confirmed. Seems we are gone into a subspace pocket of some sort, big a couple AU in diameter. No signal could ever hope to reach out, unless we could see the values of this subspace field... and I can get no info from within it... Maybe our guest, Mr. Flint, should help...
Change the second sentence to "Seems we are inside a subspace pocket of some sort."
Remove big in "a couple AU."
Rayna Ground
1:22] [NPC] Flint: Welcome on Celeste Florence. This city has seen better days though. Thanks to the Elachi, we're going backwards... but that tide maybe has come to a stop with your arrival...
Change "on" to "to."
Change "maybe has come to a stop with your arrival" to "but that tide may change with your arrival."
[1:24] [NPC] Flint: Sadly we can't allow that. This haven can't be ruined by external influences. Here we experiment an ideal society, where everyone can experience the extreme gift... a very, very healthy and extended life. I know the military of any star power I know will ruin this place and my discovers to martial assets... steering away from my vision...
Put "as" before an in the sentence, "Here we experiment as an ideal society"
Change "discovers" to "discovery."
1:26] [NPC] Flint: Well, the basic idea came from that. Moreover I got repair at cellular level. A dematerialize-rematerialize cycle per day suffice to stop the aging process, and you can have it done in a quarter of second without that dramatic sparking effect of yours... wherever you are on the planet
Put "a" before repair.
1:28] [NPC] Flint: This is rather obvious, and was one of the reasons we protected ourselves shifting Rayna in the subspace pocket. Our energy source is far more powerful than your warp engines... but you may ask anything at the tech personnel here... including questions on our way of life here on Rayna... I have to go now, the Elachi did extensive damage, and now I have to foresee restoration... If you excuse me...
Put "by" before "shifting."
[1:35] [NPC] M12: Yes. Their ageing process is not stopped until they reach the Coming of Age, approximately 20 Earth TRIBBLE Years. But they can grow even older, if it's their wish
Change "ageing" to "aging."
Change "TRIBBLE" to "standard."
Add a period after wish.
This is a nice custom map.
A very nice city! Good work!
My boffs got trapped inside before. That may have just been my fault and not paying attention to their pathing.
[1:50] [NPC] Aline Kapec: your communicator buzzes Now the fighting is over for at least a day... that d****d monsters have to lick their wound that long, they beheved in this manner during the past attacks... Hey... cheer up... we can meet at the place I described you... it's really something I need to show you !
Behaved is misspelled. C
Change "that" to "those."
You need to add a waypoint to the "At last" objective.
Nice trigger work with the M12.
Elachi Space Base
[1:59] [NPC] Flint: he blasts into main screen It's my doing... I shifted Rayna and everything in its proximity into an Elachi controlled subspace pocket... During tha last Elachi attacks I perfected a tracking procedure to discover from where they went...
Change "he blasts into" to "he blasts onto."
Change "tha" to "the."
This looks like the Bajoran wormhole map...how did you change its color? This is cool!
[2:06] [NPC] Flint: She is. Demetra is safe. Good. Here the next set of coordinates... that's where they keep our people... a sort of Elachi space stronghold
Put "are" before "the" in "the next set."
[2:10] [NPC] Your Engineer: It's likely these parked Elachi dreadnoughts are kept in stand-by, with no crew to handle them. We're lucky, against a similar force we'd suffer a quick sad fate ! Hmm... sir I have an idea !
Put "and" before "sad fate."
Recommend setting the elachi fleet to disappear after you beam the charges and blow them up.
Elachi Space Ground Base
A well made map.
[8:15] [NPC] Jilla Keymann: Thanks for the rescue... you would not believe what they did to me... I need a month into Beam Restoration !
Change "into" to "in."
8:30] [NPC] Your crewman: Can't believe this readings...
Change "this" to "these."
Change this contact to a legacy otherwise it spams the message.
[8:31] [NPC] Demetra Kapec: Do not think me as a living being... I am not. I am different story than my "sister"... I discovered to be artificial in nature only 1355 hours after being activated... maybe "dad" worked out our minds to be different. She's far more emotional than me, I was the logical one...
Put an "of" before "me."
Put an "a" before "different"
Put "was" before "discovered
8:35] [NPC] Demetra Kapec: I... I... my mind is about to shut... down.. permanently... Promise meyou will try your best.... to protect Rayna....
Put a space between me and you.
[8:41] [NPC] Demetra Kapec: she suddenly blocks, her eyes wide open... but something about her, inside her, her inner light, seems to be gone forever
I assume "blocks" should be "blinks."
Rayna Space
Nothing major to note.
Memorial
8:57] [NPC] Your Engineer: It's only that this ceremonial dress is so tight... Seems I cannot brathe ...
Breathe is misspelled.
[9:14] [NPC] Seral: We gathered here in memory of three exceptional people. One is the founder of this very world, Flint Marmadir. Behind this name lie millennia of personal experience. Thanks to an unique genetic gift, he was immune to aging and diseases. He was many of the greatest minds of the human world... Leonard of Vinci, Brahms, Pollack... all of them both geniuses and master of arts. His body is no more, so we will substitute it with something that will remember him to the days to come: an altar burning with unwavering flames.
Change "lie" to "lies." Add an a after "lies."
Overall Thoughts: I'm sure there are some things I missed but I really hope this helps a lot in terms of typos or errors. You did well on all of your custom maps. My favorite moment was fighting the Elach in the city.
One issue I found with the"optional love story." Yes, in some parts it is optional, however, a lot of the dialogue before the optional choices has your character making comments and talking down to the crew as if he already love her. This in turn causes confusion when suddenly you can go from liking the love interest to saying you never had any such thoughts.
Had the comments been more neutral about the character, it would have worked better. Also, I noticed towards the end you had options for female characters. The same kind of issue above also applies here. The whole mission assumes you are playing a male character until the end when you can choose that you were playing on a female. So again, kinda causes confusion and out of place dialogue for a female captain.
I know there is really to much dialogue to go back and adjust it but I recommend keeping this in mind for future playthroughs.
Thank you so much for your as always excellent review. I am constantly astonished that people appear think so highly of this mission, it has been a very humbling experience.
I shall definately investigate the animation issues and try to get them sorted out. I would also like to put a few issues raised out for comment in another post on my original thread.
Thanks again, I look forward to repaying the favour - I've been saving "Scars" till I have enough time to sit down and enjoy the whole story!
Reposted from my original thread, completely forgot to place a copy here!
Thanks for the hard job... I will commit to correct at least the typos signaled -
for the option thing... yes I can correct something to insert the feeling that " for a brief moment you were about to say yes but suddenly you changed idea" , just to not complicate too much the matter. Thanks pal. You will be credited in the grant editor of the mission for this...
Comments
I cannot tell in advance how much time it will require, but on the other hand I try only to amuse some like minds, not writing some poems, so expectations shouldn't be so high, considering that I am not english mother tongue
I am BORN prepared... ;P
Just did a check on "Claws" and corrected a couple of typos...
Sector Map A-1
Nothing major to note.
Azura IV
That Ferengi Name,* Facepalm.*
Nice puzzle with the rules of acquisition
The last hostage group has "interact. Should change it to an appropriate response.
Sector Map A-2
I recommend spreading out the NPCs at the freighter some.
Desert A-1
Add respawn point at the "Rescue 6 groups of hostages" objective.
Desert A-2
You have a solid and well-built outpost here.
The optional dialogues add to the story.
Sector Map A-3
Nothing major to note.
Breen Station
Major notes will be added at the end.
Bridge
Nice work on the assimilated parts here.
I've noticed the Bible references, are you Christian
Overall Thoughts: I was kinda on the fence for this mission. I know this is your first mission and it's mighty impressive for it being your first. Which is why I will treat it as such, a first mission. However, I did get kinda lost in the story and that may be due to some of the issues I ran into personally.
Let's start with combat. I noticed you had many large enemy groups packed together, meaning you would be often fighting more than two or three low level squads at a time. I felt some of these mobs could have been separated more. Had there been more enemy variety, it may not have been so bad. To me, personally, fighting tons of Breen spam can get annoying if packed so closely together. They ended up getting monotonous really fast. This also applies for the space portions too.
The second issue I had trouble with was the "End conversation." I felt that this kinda took out some of the immersion for me. I would recommend adding appropriate "RP" captain responses instead of text such as that. There was also some usage of the "continue button." I recommend changing these to captain responses as well to build the immersion.
Now, there were things I found interesting. I like the inclusion of the trivia puzzles for objectives. I also enjoyed some of your scenery work. I felt the Terran ground base was well made. I also noticed your Bible references. I assume you are a Christian denomination, which is cool, I am too. We'll have to talk in-game hehe.
Overall, I gave this a 5/5 despite some major issues because it is still a VERY WELL put together mission for a 1st timer. If you take these points and apply them to future content and this mission, I think you have a promising foundry career ahead of you.
VL-245
Multiple dialogue options are always good.
Simple map but efficient at what it does.
Northstar
Good use of fog effects.
Deck 8
Suggest moving the spawns back so the player does not get ambushed while loading the map.
Very nice work on the scenery.
Main Engineering
Excellent work on the warp core scenery
VL-245
Portal effect is well timed.
Holodeck
An interesting twist.
This was a well-made mission and I cannot wait for part two. The dialogue was well written and clean and had a nice twist at the end. The maps were really well made. 5/5 easily, well done.
First Map
Very simple, not much to say about it.
NPF Homeworld
Suggest moving the starting spawn point closer to the first objective.
Nothing much to really note.
NPF Homeworld
Some NPCs are placed on the walls.
NPF Homeworld Space map, take 2.
Nothing major to note.
This is the author's first mission and as such, contains some of the common first author mistakes. I was somewhat on the fence between a 3 and 4 star on this one. There is not much story and it's mainly battles of the same type that get you from each plot point to the next. What little dialogue there is, is written clean and well though.
Some points to recommend. Add more variety to the story objectives. I noticed a lot of usage of "Go to the next map." I suggest changing that to actual dialogue in the mission to keep immersion in. The same should be said for the "continue button." Another suggestion is to spruce up your maps some. Most did not really have much added to them. The best map was the first forest ground map but that was just the default though.
I gave 4 for showing potential. I hope to see even better work in the next two parts.
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Risa
I suggesting removing the numbers from the security guards.
Some Klingons on the beach have their default names with the numbers, suggest changing this.
Several Fed npcs also have the same issue.
Room
Nothing major to note. Maybe spruce it up a bit more.
Risa
Nothing major to note.
Meeting Room
Change the npc names from the default versions with numbers, this takes away immersion.
Photonic Assault
Same advice as the last map.
This room is really bare and I would suggest adding more scenery.
Risa
Frosted boots or motion accelerator are helpful here.
Risa Space
Nothing major to note.
S.S. Talkea
Interior is somewhat bare, suggesting adding scenery.
Overall thoughts: Much better than your first mission. I can already see improvement. There are still a few minor issues to fix but I feel you are on the right track, 5/5.
Briefing Room
Nice job on the ship model display shelf.
Sol System
Portal is labeled as "FX, portal, time." Suggest changing this.
Solaris System
Same issue as above.
Earth
Nothing major to note.
NPF Homeworld
Nothing major to note.
NPF Homeworld Space
This is a well made space map.
Solaris 2
Nothing to note.
Shadowkind Earth
Nothing to note.
Factory
Fed NPC in room one has the default name and number.
Same issue in room 2.
Room 2 is bare and could use more scenery objects.
Fed NPC in room three has the same issue as before.
Controller Station
Nothing major to note.
Solaris Three
I recommend having the opening dialogue tied to a reach marker, then spawn the fleet battle.
Once again, even better than its predecessor. Keep it up with fixing the issues that have popped up in the series and you will be well on your way. 5/5
Wormhole
Nothing major to note.
Mirror DS9.
Finally map transfer works!
I suggest moving the ISS ship farther away from the initial spawn to prevent fighting before the dialogue begins.
Mirror Badlands
Suggesting changing the background to the correct backdrop.
Scanning the Obsidian cruiser has the "invisible object name." Suggest changing this.
Mirror Drias
This is a nice space map.
Sunset Blues Deck
I suggest changing the doors to actual walls with doors in theme.
Mirror Wormhole
Map transfer did not take place, sent a mail.
Unfortunately I was unable to finish but I believe I was near the end anyway. I gave it a 5/5 for a good story. Just need to get those last few bugs.
Keep up the good work!
Yep, you were on the last major map. The next one was just a little "so let me get this straight..." type round-up.
Glad you liked it! Thanks for the review, and sorry you had to deal with all the shenanigans with the map transfers.
There used to be a picture here, but they changed signatures and I can't be bothered to replace it.
Hmm?
10chars.
Ship
Wow, how did you get the dark effect?
The detail in this map is incredible.
Starship Interior
Multiple dialogue options are nice.
Excellent custom map.
Are you sure this is your first mission....?
Romulus System
Excellent trigger work.
Excellent dialogue.
Viraj II
Again....well done on the map.
This was one of the best first missions I've ever played from an author. Again, are you sure this is your first lol? I have 6 missions on my belt and I have not even attempted to create custom structures like you have, haha! Easily 5/5. The detail is amazing and the dialogue is excellent. It will be earning my vote in foundry challenge 9.
I hope you create more content soon.
That first map is built in the black space of the Dimorus Interior map. I used the Bortas Bridge backdrop to achieve the darkness. In early publishes it was even darker, but some players who tested the map in its early stages informed me that it was too dark and sacrificed visibility altogether.
This is indeed my first published mission. I've been tinkering with the foundry for a while, though, and have read a lot of discussion among established authors, and watched a good number of podcasts. For all the frustrations, foundry has a terrific community around it.
The Unsung Mission: Inferno.
@starfarertheta
Federation
[Under the review tab.]
I'm looking to give it the final update 2.0 treatment so that I can dive into my other projects (when I can), but I need to know what should be changed or if there's anything that needs to be fixed in this mission before moving on.
10chars.
I played this mission at level 16 as recommended by the author. This was done on my new tactical Caitian on elite mode.
Azure Approach
Well written dialogue establishes a back story for the species we are about to encounter.
Well made map.
Azure Nebula First Battle
The Romulan reinforcements loop the warp-in animation if left alone. I suggest just having them spawn normally without an animation.
The dialogue provides more variety should the player wish to learn more about this new species. Nice touch.
Also a nicely made map.
Drakkathii Prime
A well made map.
I like the inclusion of their own unique ships.
The Nexus
Nothing major to note.
Departure
You could potentially have this dialogue at the end of the previous map and make the loading screen be the "warping" to the colony. This saves loading time.
Restus
Nothing major to note.
Restus Ground
Excellent work on giving the sense of a destroyed town.
Restus Departure
Nothing major to note.
Payreer System
Nothing major to note.
U.S.S. Katherine
Excellent effects to simulate a ship under extreme stress.
Payreer Escape
Some ships loop the warp-in animation. Suggest changing this to no animation.
I.K.S. Kryas
Fun and tough battles on elite mode here.
Skyfire
Nothing major to note.
Klingon Offensive
A fun final battle.
Overall opinion: I have been lucky with finding a string of first-timer missions that are amazing. This one is no exception. Taking at least 60 minutes, this mission is excellent for those who enjoy those long trek adventures. The author has meticulously crafted a large mission with so much polish, I honestly could not tell it was his first one had he not said it before. Dialogue is written very well. Maps are excellent and serve their purpose.
This is easily 5/5. You have a great foundry career ahead of you. I look forward to your next mission.
Things to note:
I am aware that the entrance is a little hard to find, but I can't change this until voting finishes. It's located near the weapons vendor on the Promenade.
I recommend playing a couple of times to get the alternate dialogue options. It's not super long so hopefully you'll be able to.
Thanks!
There used to be a picture here, but they changed signatures and I can't be bothered to replace it.
"a blockcade has been put around"... maybe you would type
"blockade"
deep space 9 surrounding map
An intriguing map. You begin to have a certain punch with
space maps.
The Voth patrols have been pleasingly hard to get over
with.
Your advices about bringing a medic with me are worrying..
does it means that you haven't placed additional re-spawns
points on the ds9 interior map...?
Interior ds9
...here we go... the usual interior massacre...good
customization of it anyway. Just passed over the not-
hurting flames in the floor... if I should request
something it will be simlpy this, to have HURTING fx, like
gas/plasma/fire leaks, or simply fire on the ground ..or
explosions, for that matter. Uhh, what a mess you've made
with it... fortunately DS9 wasn't my preferite ST show !
That was weird... I could not save the crotched Ferengi
under the shelfs until I crotched myself.. I'd put a
warning, or a trace for this, a casual foundry player can
give u 1 star and abort your mission,if can't understand he
have to crotch... a player gave that to me when failed a
reach marker in space (which many others had hooked to it
fine...)- For the record... I would have let the Ferengi
seller at l'Zira's grasp, but that's me..
Find a way to Bajoran map
I can't help but notice a discrepancy on a NPC ship called
Typhoon class battleship.. the yellow markings identify her
as a Mirror Federation ship !! If you like to change that
is really simple because that is a NPC contact called
Federation Battleship... there are two of them, a Typhoon
Mirror Fed, and the other immediately under, named also
"Federation Battleship" who has normal whitish our side Fed
markings. Up to you pal...
Another good bloodshed in space I must add... liked the
roms coming in just before I was going to beam down... nice
touch.
hathon siege map.
Good job here. I remember your first times in Hathon, when
you used to free Mugathos for a living... you made giant
steps really.
Customization is REALLY good, with foam/ice and the rest...
not to mention the enemy. To "enslave" them with that toxin
was a pretty good idea, that let you use these enemy
monsters like the Undines easily and in context. GOOD.
The Voth mech and his cohorts were tough but fun.
Your missions are action packed, and satisfying as
played... however yet I do not understand why l'Zira did
all the havoc she did... means that the (little) that miss
on your superb job is motivate... there is a war, OK... why
? And let me be clear, portraying L'Zira as "really, really
bad person" is not enough...
find L'Zira map
That gorgeous cave.. I used it too. Well, let's see if I
will find some answer to my last question..
I see your ferasans are... remans at heart.
A re-spawn point before the first enemy encounter would not
be bad...
I died countless times on last confrontation. It can be fun
if I'd have a lot of spare time...
You already know my adversity to ground combat...
fortunately you balanced this one with great space combat.
Stop L'Zira planet killers map -
Toughest Voth ships than the Planet Killers... maybe you
should modify the map so that you clear the Pl Killers
BEFORE the Voth...
Hathona end map
Nothing major to note
Good work on dialogs to various Caitian characters, perhaps
a bit redundant.
Let's wrap it up boy...
Playing your missions give the same effect as watching a
good action movie, and those stories let you do not think
too much. I wish your style could host more trek stories,
like moral dilemmas, or exploration tales, or scientific
breakthroughs "venting" disasters...
Until now you have perfected the same scheme over and
over... hope you find different paths for the future.
5 stars, 100 dil for the lion lover
Why I'Zira did what she did will be revealed as the story progress. There is a lot of background information that has to be sorted through and inserted into the proper missions. Once I fully complete this series, it will all make sense hehe.
Also, FX like fire cannot hurt players.
Be Prepared for the review of a lifetime! Be Prepared for sensational suggestions!
Helix requested I do a more in-depth review and help find as many typos as I could.
Opening dialogue
[12:21] [NPC] Soran Trane speaking. I'm the captain of a trade vessel, the "Santa Maria", I picked up a distress signal in Holberg system, moments before warping out of the system. I know this can seem convenient, but we did not have fuel enough to turn the ship around and warp back to Holberg. We did not spot any, but there were rumours of Elachi presence in the system. Will you answer this hail...? Go in the Kei System, Sirius Sector, to accept
Put a period after Maria, get rid of the comma. Remove the comma before "moments." Rumors is mispelled.
Holberg asteroid field
Officer: Sir...? I do pick Elachi warships, according to what that Soran Trane character said... Soran Trane was the dude who appeared in the grant mission dialog... Captain of the trade vessel "Santa Maria"
I suggest changing "I do pick" to, "I am picking up Elachi Warships, just like Soran Trane said."
I also noticed you had a mention of who the guy was. I am not sure if yer intending perfect immersion, but if so, I suggest changing the dialogue some to not have stuff like "dude" in it.
[12:41] [NPC] Captain Soran Trane: His face burst out in the Main Screen Vice Admiral ! We are being blocked at bay by port authority here at Bantralore III ! Surely there must been a misunderstanding.. I clearly stated that we did not answer directly the distress call only because warp process had been already started...
I suggest changing "burst out in" to "Bursts out on"
I recommend adding the word "have" before "been."
I recommend putting "directly" before "answer.
Add a the before "warp."
12:47] [NPC] Captain Soran Trane: sighing Well, yeah, I admit I cut a long story short on the Elachi... we saw them attacking that civilian ship, and we simply run away as fast as we could...
Recommend saying "Sorane sighs" in the OOC text. Change "run" to "ran."
12:49] [NPC] Your Tactical Officer: We got a fix on the Elachi squad position. I already passed nav data to helm console, sir
Add a "the" before "helm."
[12:52] [NPC] ...: Thank to heavens you are here... please, have a lock on me and transport me by beam... the reactors have been ripped by those monsters ! Everything will blow up any minute !!
Change "to" to "the." I recommend removing "by beam."
I have noticed a lot of your yellow OOC text does not begin with capital letters. I suggest changing this as it functions just like a normal sentence.
[12:56] [NPC] Aline Kapec: Uh... your turbolift is so fast... my head is spinning a bit... when you see her, your heart almost stops. She is one of the most beautiful woman you ever met
Add a "have" before "ever."
Excellent trigger work with the planet.
[1:01] [NPC] Aline Kapec: It doesn't work that way. The Elachi dwell into subspace very much like us, if not more. Maybe they wish to use this part of subspace... found already occupied made them angry... but with your help we will ensure our safety... her smile almost chokes off you of beauty...
Change "wish" to "wished." Change the 3rd sentence to, " instead they found it already occupied which made them angry..."
I recommend changing it to "Her smile's beauty almost leaves you breathless."
[1:07] [NPC] Your Guest: suddenly appears in the Main Screen That would not be necessary... Let me present... I am Flint, the responsible of this planet... I don't like the word "ruler", but I have to admit I am that too
Change "let me present" to "Let me explain." Put "man" in front of "the responsible."
Add a period after too.
1:09] [NPC] Flint: Please... do not be alarmed. We are a peaceful society. Can I invite you her on Rayna ? It's a beautiful world... and then I can explain why you should help with those Elachi
I suggest changing "Can I invite you her" to "Can I invite you all to Ranya?
Add a period after Elachi.
1:11] [NPC] Your Science Officer: Confirmed. Seems we are gone into a subspace pocket of some sort, big a couple AU in diameter. No signal could ever hope to reach out, unless we could see the values of this subspace field... and I can get no info from within it... Maybe our guest, Mr. Flint, should help...
Change the second sentence to "Seems we are inside a subspace pocket of some sort."
Remove big in "a couple AU."
Rayna Ground
1:22] [NPC] Flint: Welcome on Celeste Florence. This city has seen better days though. Thanks to the Elachi, we're going backwards... but that tide maybe has come to a stop with your arrival...
Change "on" to "to."
Change "maybe has come to a stop with your arrival" to "but that tide may change with your arrival."
[1:24] [NPC] Flint: Sadly we can't allow that. This haven can't be ruined by external influences. Here we experiment an ideal society, where everyone can experience the extreme gift... a very, very healthy and extended life. I know the military of any star power I know will ruin this place and my discovers to martial assets... steering away from my vision...
Put "as" before an in the sentence, "Here we experiment as an ideal society"
Change "discovers" to "discovery."
1:26] [NPC] Flint: Well, the basic idea came from that. Moreover I got repair at cellular level. A dematerialize-rematerialize cycle per day suffice to stop the aging process, and you can have it done in a quarter of second without that dramatic sparking effect of yours... wherever you are on the planet
Put "a" before repair.
1:28] [NPC] Flint: This is rather obvious, and was one of the reasons we protected ourselves shifting Rayna in the subspace pocket. Our energy source is far more powerful than your warp engines... but you may ask anything at the tech personnel here... including questions on our way of life here on Rayna... I have to go now, the Elachi did extensive damage, and now I have to foresee restoration... If you excuse me...
Put "by" before "shifting."
[1:35] [NPC] M12: Yes. Their ageing process is not stopped until they reach the Coming of Age, approximately 20 Earth TRIBBLE Years. But they can grow even older, if it's their wish
Change "ageing" to "aging."
Change "TRIBBLE" to "standard."
Add a period after wish.
This is a nice custom map.
A very nice city! Good work!
My boffs got trapped inside before. That may have just been my fault and not paying attention to their pathing.
[1:50] [NPC] Aline Kapec: your communicator buzzes Now the fighting is over for at least a day... that d****d monsters have to lick their wound that long, they beheved in this manner during the past attacks... Hey... cheer up... we can meet at the place I described you... it's really something I need to show you !
Behaved is misspelled. C
Change "that" to "those."
You need to add a waypoint to the "At last" objective.
Nice trigger work with the M12.
Elachi Space Base
[1:59] [NPC] Flint: he blasts into main screen It's my doing... I shifted Rayna and everything in its proximity into an Elachi controlled subspace pocket... During tha last Elachi attacks I perfected a tracking procedure to discover from where they went...
Change "he blasts into" to "he blasts onto."
Change "tha" to "the."
This looks like the Bajoran wormhole map...how did you change its color? This is cool!
[2:06] [NPC] Flint: She is. Demetra is safe. Good. Here the next set of coordinates... that's where they keep our people... a sort of Elachi space stronghold
Put "are" before "the" in "the next set."
[2:10] [NPC] Your Engineer: It's likely these parked Elachi dreadnoughts are kept in stand-by, with no crew to handle them. We're lucky, against a similar force we'd suffer a quick sad fate ! Hmm... sir I have an idea !
Put "and" before "sad fate."
Recommend setting the elachi fleet to disappear after you beam the charges and blow them up.
Elachi Space Ground Base
A well made map.
[8:15] [NPC] Jilla Keymann: Thanks for the rescue... you would not believe what they did to me... I need a month into Beam Restoration !
Change "into" to "in."
8:30] [NPC] Your crewman: Can't believe this readings...
Change "this" to "these."
Change this contact to a legacy otherwise it spams the message.
[8:31] [NPC] Demetra Kapec: Do not think me as a living being... I am not. I am different story than my "sister"... I discovered to be artificial in nature only 1355 hours after being activated... maybe "dad" worked out our minds to be different. She's far more emotional than me, I was the logical one...
Put an "of" before "me."
Put an "a" before "different"
Put "was" before "discovered
8:35] [NPC] Demetra Kapec: I... I... my mind is about to shut... down.. permanently... Promise meyou will try your best.... to protect Rayna....
Put a space between me and you.
[8:41] [NPC] Demetra Kapec: she suddenly blocks, her eyes wide open... but something about her, inside her, her inner light, seems to be gone forever
I assume "blocks" should be "blinks."
Rayna Space
Nothing major to note.
Memorial
8:57] [NPC] Your Engineer: It's only that this ceremonial dress is so tight... Seems I cannot brathe ...
Breathe is misspelled.
[9:14] [NPC] Seral: We gathered here in memory of three exceptional people. One is the founder of this very world, Flint Marmadir. Behind this name lie millennia of personal experience. Thanks to an unique genetic gift, he was immune to aging and diseases. He was many of the greatest minds of the human world... Leonard of Vinci, Brahms, Pollack... all of them both geniuses and master of arts. His body is no more, so we will substitute it with something that will remember him to the days to come: an altar burning with unwavering flames.
Change "lie" to "lies." Add an a after "lies."
Overall Thoughts: I'm sure there are some things I missed but I really hope this helps a lot in terms of typos or errors. You did well on all of your custom maps. My favorite moment was fighting the Elach in the city.
One issue I found with the"optional love story." Yes, in some parts it is optional, however, a lot of the dialogue before the optional choices has your character making comments and talking down to the crew as if he already love her. This in turn causes confusion when suddenly you can go from liking the love interest to saying you never had any such thoughts.
Had the comments been more neutral about the character, it would have worked better. Also, I noticed towards the end you had options for female characters. The same kind of issue above also applies here. The whole mission assumes you are playing a male character until the end when you can choose that you were playing on a female. So again, kinda causes confusion and out of place dialogue for a female captain.
I know there is really to much dialogue to go back and adjust it but I recommend keeping this in mind for future playthroughs.
4/5. Well done, keep up the good work!
Reposted from my original thread, completely forgot to place a copy here!
for the option thing... yes I can correct something to insert the feeling that " for a brief moment you were about to say yes but suddenly you changed idea" , just to not complicate too much the matter. Thanks pal. You will be credited in the grant editor of the mission for this...