Hey Evil70th, Thank you so very much for reviewing part 1 and im sorry about the issues that you have listed and I will be reading thru all of them and looking to change them. Thanks for your hard work with my missions
Hey Evil70th, Thank you so very much for reviewing part 1 and im sorry about the issues that you have listed and I will be reading thru all of them and looking to change them. Thanks for your hard work with my missions
I hope you enjoy part 2.
Thanks again for playing it.
Thanks
Logitech007
Hi Logitech007,
As always I am glad I could help. I hope to get to part 2 of your mission before the weekend.
Hey Evil70th, I have 2 brand new mission that I would like you to review them, if you wouldn't mind.
Thanks
Mission Name: The Covenant part 2
Author: Logitech007
Minimum Level: 31+
Allegiance: Starfleet Federation
Project ID: ST-HINOZE859
Estimated Mission Length: ABout 45 minto 1 hour give or take.
Thanks again.
Logitech007
Federation Mission - The Covenant part 2
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HINOZE859
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission with a nice mix of fun battles and story dialogue. There are spelling, syntax and grammatical errors in the dialogue that detract from the overall story but I would still recommend the mission and series to other players.
As an author you are telling the player a story. It is important to keep the player interested in what is going on in the mission. In the review I mention the placement of tasks on maps and the excessive nature of some of those tasks. Repetitive tasks with exactly the same dialogue and actions can be quite annoying. The question to ask is, are they necessary to the mission? Do they add to the story? If you answer no to either one or both then you should consider removing the tasks or updating them. This can be as simple as changing the task to something else related to the story or updating the dialogue so it serves the story and the mission. In the same way, making a map short with one or two dialogues or tasks and nothing else makes the map seem pointless. You have to keep the player engaged in the story.
One last thing that you need to look at is the placement of objects and when should they become visible to the player. On the Federation Prison facility map you have the player place pattern enhancers around the cells. When the task starts those pattern enhancers are already visible. This is easy to correct by changing the setting to make them invisible until that particular task is completed.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted a couple of things to consider changing:
-Consider adding additional space between your mission description and the information regarding the EV suit.
-Consider changing the Start Location to [MissionInfo] so that it stands out from the regular text.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is the same dialogue from the description. Consider rewriting this dialogue to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[OOC]I will you know when[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]I will let you know[/OOC]".
-Consider offering the player the ability to recap the previous mission leading up to the start of this mission. A recap of the previous mission here would make the story flow better. By making it optional the player can skip it and continue. At the end of the last mission we were in the Cardassian embassy and the mission ended. On this mission we start off with no explanation of how we got there.
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: The prompt is the same as the button. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider rewriting the prompt dialogue to be related to the story as it begins.
MAPS: The Covenant Unknown Operation Base: This is a good map design and use of the dialogue prompts. There are quite a few dialogue spelling, syntax and grammatical errors noted below. I noted several items to consider changing:
-The initial spawn point appears to be slightly above the floor. When the player spawns they drop about a meter or so. Make sure your "Snap to grid" feature is off in the Foundry when editing positions of objects including the spawn point.
-The 3rd Commander dialogue; consider changing "Sir, the group that was task to attack the IKS Vodieh is docking up with us now" to read "Sir, the group that was tasked with the attack on the IKS Vodieh is in the process of docking now".
-The dialogue starting with "The Klingons have added more warriors to each vessel after the Embassy attacks, and the Commander who was in charged of this operation did not take in the fact that the Klingon vessels can cloak and decloak whenever" to read "The Klingons added warriors to the crew of each vessel following the embassy attacks. In addition the commander of the operation failed to account for the Klingon vessels ability to cloak during combat".
-Consider changing "So if the Commander was not incompetent, the mission would have succeeded." to read "So, if the commander had not been incompetent the mission would have succeeded?"
-Consider changing "As soon as that Commander is done take him to the airlock and airlock him, then report back to me" to read "Once the Commander has docked his ship take him to the nearest airlock and release him into space".
-Consider changing "You do it or I will find someone who will do it then airlock you after" to read "Do it or you will be next".
-Consider changing "[FirstName], She wishes to see you in her office, at once" to read "[FirstName], she wishes to see you in her office at once".
-Consider changing the response button "I guess i will find out as soon as I get there" to read "I guess I will find out when I get there".
-The Her dialogue; consider removing "and step closer".
-Consider changing "[OOC]I know that the Covenant was formed after the end of the Dominion war by your father and a few others about a year or so after the end of the Dominion war[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]The Covenant was formed by your father and others about a year or so after the end of the Dominion war[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Then your father retired from Starfleet to a remote planet deep within Federation space then he died fighting the Klingons after the Undine once again crossed into Federation space and infiltrated the Klingon Empire[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Your father retired from Starfleet to live on a planet deep within the Federation. He died fighting the Klingons who invaded after the Undine infiltrated the Empire from Federation space[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]During the Dominion war you had graduated from Starfleet Academy with top honors and was assigned to a vessel then something happens and you leave Starfleet and have not ever been seen or heard of again[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]You graduated from Starfleet Academy at the top of your class and were assigned to an Excelsior class starship, I do not recall which one. The ship was attacked while you were removing Federation civilians from a colony, many people were killed and you resigned from Starfleet. No one has seen or heard from you since then[/OOC]".
-The use of the response button "Continue" which is the default when nothing is entered for the button. Consider replacing it with " " or when used in conjunction with [OOC] dialogue put the last line of the dialogue in the response button. From this point forward I will note the maps where this is used excessively.
-From this point forward, due to the volume of spelling, syntax and grammatical errors I will only note maps with these issues and not the specific issue. It will be up to you to review the dialogue on those maps.
-The review of the Covenant roster seems pointless without information on the skills of each member. If the review is to allow the player to select members of the team then it should list skills for each. Consider adding in skills that are needed on the mission and give the rest skills that would be of no use on the mission.
-The approach to each member of the team you have selected seems generic and repetitive. Consider changing in line with the roster review recommendation I made above. Perhaps they can briefly discuss the skills each team member brings to the mission.
Lilitu System: This is a good map design with some tough but fun battles and short, well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-You appear to be using satellite beacons to mark the location of each scan. Consider replacing them with invisible objects to mark the location of the next scan. If you need a flashing beacon there is an effect that can be added for this purpose.
Federation Prison facility: This is a nice map design but has some issues with NPCs disappearing or falling off the map. The battles are fun but the dialogue has spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. I noted items to consider changing:
-The initial spawn point appears to be slightly above the floor. Check it to ensure it is on the floor.
-There is an issue with the away team disappearing through the walls during combat. Since this is a custom map you should check the objects you are using to see if there are holes or perhaps there are pathing issues with some of the objects being used.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are quite a few.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The additional Covenant members of the team have dialogue but do not appear to be present anywhere on the map.
-Consider changing the optional NPC triggered dialogue to optional triggered dialogue using invisible objects. This will allow the player to come across the dialogue as they move to a location. Once they interact with the dialogue it goes away. Most of the NPC optional dialogue does not appear to enhance the story in anyway.
-Consider combining the task to extend the ramp and walkways at one time. Also consider placing the console inside the room to complete the task.
-Consider changing the task "Set up transporters boosters" to read "Set up pattern enhancers".
-All the enhancers are visible as soon as the task is started. Consider setting them to become visible as each task is complete.
-Requiring the player to setup 8 enhancers seems like a waste of time. Consider reducing the number of enhancers that have to be setup.
-The dialogue refers to them as transport inhibitors. Consider changing "transport inhibitor" to read "pattern enhancer".
Lilitu System: This is a good map design with some fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
The Covenant Unknown Operation Base: This is a good map design and use of the dialogue prompts. The dialogue has spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. I noted items to consider changing:
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are quite a few.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
Sarita System: This is a good map design and use of the dialogue prompts. The dialogue has spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. I noted items to consider changing:
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are quite a few.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The transport bioweapons point appears to happen before the dialogue stating we are in transporter range. Check to verify that the proper order occurs in the sequence.
-Plot point. If we are close enough to beam in the bioweapons why do we have to get closer to transport onboard the station?
Romulan Outpost: This is an interesting map design. The dialogue has spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. I noted items to consider changing:
-The blinding nature of the "bioweapon" seems excessive. Even using the mini-map to find our way through is not as much a challenge as an annoyance. Consider removing the blinding light and replace it with gas everywhere.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are quite a few.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-There are a few places where the warning about the door being locked comes after the door has been open. This may be caused by incorrect placement of the trigger for the dialogue or the fact that the player cannot see where they are going except for the mini-map. Consider changing all of the triggered dialogue for proper placement.
-There are ten doors to open including the command area. This would be excessive even if the blinding light was not inhibiting the players view. Consider removing some of the "Open the door" tasks.
-The beam over security and beam up body's tasks have a beam in or beam out animation which is what the player does not what the object does. Consider changing it to a tap combadge animation.
-At least two of the Beam over the Romulan dead buttons is the default "Interact" button. Consider changing it.
-The download data tasks were difficult to find on the map. Consider making them actual consoles that light up when the player is in range.
The Covenant Unknown Operation Base: This is a good map design and use of the dialogue prompts. The dialogue has a few spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are quite a few.
Mars: This is a nice map design with great features but no point in the story. There is a single dialogue at the start when we arrive and another when we get within transporter range. Consider adding more story dialogue or other actions, for example avoiding patrols, or delete this map.
Utopia Planitia fleet yards: This is a nice map design but you need more of the story here before you end the mission. Consider adding more dialogue about the mission or about the apparent betrayal. As it is the player beams in, there are two more short dialogue windows and then the end. You could use this area to do a precursor for part 3 of the series.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did well in developing this mission and the series so far. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work and the next mission in the series.
Brian
This critique report also filed 11/13/2014 on forum posting for: The Covenant Series.
Name: The Forgotten Battle
Faction: Fed
Author: @voporak
Far away from the front lines of the most recent conflict, the wars rage on. The stories of victories and sacrifices in the Dyson Sphere and Fluidic Space will forever be told, but what about the battles that no one will remember?
Summary: This is a good combat oriented mission with nice map design, several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I would recommend this mission to other players although not on Elite level. It was more than a challenge on Normal.
Overwhelming enemy mobs can make a fun combat oriented mission into a grinder style mission. Proper balancing of enemy mobs is not always easy to do when designing this type of mission. You are aware of the issue since your own grant dialogue recommends that players not use Advanced or Elite levels. The game play will scale the enemy mobs to an appropriate level based on the player skills and settings. Many players enjoy playing missions on Advanced or Elite levels for the challenge and of course the loot is greater. As an author designing a combat oriented mission you need to tailor it so the enemy mobs are not overwhelming but just enough of a challenge to keep it interesting.
I mentioned the use of [Rank] versus calling the player Captain. In my opinion the use of [Rank] vice Captain is way overdone in many missions. It was not bad in your mission but it was noticeable. As I indicated below referring to the player as Captain will make the dialogue flow better when receiving orders from someone who is a lower rank but has positional authority. The other reason is, despite actual rank, each player is the Captain of their ship. It is a position and title that carries responsibility and a sense of honor with it. Therefore I would highly recommend its use in your mission and other authors mission as well.
Below are a few things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a an interesting description but consider adding a little more story. There is really nothing there that will draw the player in and make them want to click 'Hail'. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding the start location of the first custom map.
Grant Mission Dialogue: Overall this is good grant dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "making an emergency crash on a moon" to read "making an emergency landing on a moon"
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Kassae Cave: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Corwin dialogue; consider changing "about your triumphs" to read "about your missions".
-Consider changing the response button "discuss those triumphs" to read "discuss those missions".
-Consider changing references to the player [Rank] to Captain. This will make the story flow better when the player is taking orders from someone who is lower in actual rank despite positional authority.
-Consider changing "The took us by surprise" to read "They took us by surprise".
-Consider changing "friend from the Academy" to read "friend from the academy".
-The Val'lesh dialogue; consider changing the response button "We first need to set up" to read "We need to set up". The word "first" is not needed since you do not follow up with a "second".
-The "buried mines" do not really add to the story since there are no Starfleet NPCs with the player and no bodies lying around after the blast. Consider adding bodies lying around following the blast or remove them.
-Consider changing the animation for the wounded on the bunk beds to "Injured Laying on Back" or something were they move now and then. Otherwise if they are dead then have them lying on the ground.
Kassae Cave: This is a good map design with several very tough battles and some story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding ship debris to the cave to make it look more like the Voth crashed.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
The destruction of the Borg by the powers of the Alpha and Beta Quadrants produced tremendous amounts of information - including the mission logs of the U.S.S. Resistance, a ship lost just before the Borg invasion. As the savior of the galaxy, you have been chosen to explore the holographic recreation of the vessel's final voyage to uncover the backstory behind the Borg's quest for Perfection.
Summary: This is a good mission with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I really enjoyed the story in the mission and would definitely recommend it to other players. I would not recommend it on Advanced or Elite levels as several of the engagements were very challenging even on Normal.
The balancing of enemy mobs was mentioned on two of the maps below. This is referring to spreading out the enemy to give the player a chance to fight the enemy using tactics vice respawns. On your Borg Sphere map I understood where you were going with the story but it just felt over done. The ships on the Mutara Nebula map were way to close together and the player is forced to engage multiple enemy mobs at once. I felt the overwhelming force did not really add to the story. Combat in the context of the mission can be fun and should be a challenge but being destroyed or killed over and over again is not a challenge, it is annoying.
In most of your dialogue you use a full spelling of rank for Admiral, Captain and Commander. This feels odd when you use abbreviations for lesser ranks such as Lieutenant Commander as Ltc. or Lieutenant as Lt. Setting aside acceptable rank abbreviations and there uses it felt odd when you switched be the use of full rank spelling and abbreviations in the dialogue. Consider changing the rank abbreviations you have for the lesser ranks in favor of full spelling of the ranks. This includes dialogue tags as well.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
-Consider adding the start location for the first custom map.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue overall. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider moving the notes on playing Perfection series and Disclaimer to the Description.
-Consider adding the start location for the first custom map to the Description.
Mission Task: This is a good initial mission task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the initial prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Starbase K-7: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
- Since you are using full spelling of Admiral, Captain and Commander for ranks in the dialogue consider using full spelling for all to be consistent. From this point forward I will note the maps and cover it in my summary.
-The location of the holodeck door is in the passageway leading to Club K-7 blocking the entrance to the club. Consider moving the door to a wall location within the club vice blocking the entrance.
Mutara Nebula: This is a good map design with very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider using full spelling of all ranks for consistency in dialogue.
-Consider balancing the enemy mobs by spreading them out to give the player a chance to engage each separately.
Borg Sphere: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider using full spelling of all ranks for consistency in dialogue.
-Consider balancing the enemy mobs.
Borg Cube: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider using full spelling of all ranks for consistency in dialogue.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
evil70th, I would really appreaciate an in depth review as you have time. This is my first mission and is meant as an Exploration Cluster mission with more oopmph than what Cryptic gave us in the past.
Summary: This is a great mission with several excellent map designs, tough but fun battles and outstanding story dialogue. I did not find any spelling or grammatical errors in any of the dialogue. This mission was a little longer than 45 minutes but was so engaging that it was hardly noticeable. It had a good balance of story and fighting to keep it interesting. I would highly recommend this mission to other players.
Below is one issue in the description and one with the Entrance map I thought you may want to correct. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is okay but needs more of the story to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Hail'. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding the start location for the first custom map.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This dialogue needs to have more of the story added. Just like the description above you want something here that draws the player in so we click the 'Accept' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Sector 1c: This is a good map design with excellent story design. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Sector 1c: This is a good map design with very tough combat and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Entrance: This map design is great and has a lot of potential but other than a transition seems to serve no purpose. I understand the effect you were going for but consider adding more dialogue or other activities to make the map worth using, otherwise consider removing the map.
Facility 3: This is a great map design with fun combat and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Facility 3: This is a great map design with excellent story dialogue and some fun combat at the very end. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Habitation: This is a good map design with tough but fun combat and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Sector 1c: This is a great map design with nice effects and well written story dialogue. I like the choices you give the player for saving the rebels or leaving them. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Sector 1c: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with the development of this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
You provide a wonderful service evil70th. Thank you for doing what you do.
Good points on the mission description. I first wanted to keep the mystery and not expose too much of the story, but I should be able to do that and still give an explanation to draw in players.
I also agree with you on the Entrance as it once served as the introduction to the story's villain and the first combat scene but diverged from that as the story was built. I'll have to revisit what to make of this map.
You provide a wonderful service evil70th. Thank you for doing what you do.
Good points on the mission description. I first wanted to keep the mystery and not expose too much of the story, but I should be able to do that and still give an explanation to draw in players.
I also agree with you on the Entrance as it once served as the introduction to the story's villain and the first combat scene but diverged from that as the story was built. I'll have to revisit what to make of this map.
Thank you again for your review.
As always I am glad I could help.
Now about the "not giving to much away" comment, I agree but think you should be able to word it so the actual story remains a secret. Something like, "What starts out as a routine exploration mission fails to stay routine" or something along those lines.
For the Entrance map I think you should throw in some BOFF science officer dialogue regarding an initial scan. Perhaps a prelude to what is coming up on the next maps. Information about energy being too high for a facility of this size. Speculation about what that amount of energy would be needed for and so on. Perhaps more information about the door type and thickness. Of course how you word it and write it up is up to you. These would all be expansions of the dialogue and add to the story, which would make the map more a part of the story. Again these are all just suggestions like my reports and I hope they help.
As I understand it you are new to the Foundry and in that case I have to say great job!
Thanks for authoring and keep up the great work.
Brian
Summary: This is a glorious combat oriented mission with nice map designs, tough battles and well written story dialogue. I would recommend this mission to other Klingon players who like tough and glorious combat oriented mission. There are a few places you need to work on the dialogue but overall it was a good mission and fun to play.
Since you are new to the Foundry I have one minor suggestion for your map naming convention. By default when you copy a map it keeps the name and adds a number to the end to keep track of the maps. During the authoring process it is understandable why you would keep the numbers assigned to the maps with the same name. It helps while you go from map to map to bring the mission together. Once you are ready for publishing you should remove those numbers and leave the map names as they are. The Foundry allows a multitude of maps to all have the same name. When playing the mission the player does not care how many times this map name has been used as long as it serves a purpose to the mission.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a short description but not too far off. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding a little more story without giving away the plot to draw the player in and make us want to click 'Hail'.
-Consider adding the start point for your first custom map.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is okay but as with the description there is nothing to draw you in and make you want to click 'Accept'. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: Entry prompt appears to be a repeat of the entry button. Consider changing the prompt dialogue to something other than a repeat of the prompt button.
MAPS: Qo'noS: First City (Cryptic Map): This is a good use of the Cryptic map and resources. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Orion Bartender dialogue; consider changing the response button "Good thing I've tipped you, right" to read "Good thing I tipped you".
Back Room: This is a nice simple map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Lorena Darclyffe dialogue; consider changing the response button "The Starfleet Watch, what is it" to read "Never heard of it".
-The House of J'mpok Political Aide dialogue; consider changing "You will verify that every fact reported in these datas is real" to read "Verify the accuracy of this Federation spies report".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Are you ready to approach the U.S.S. Leeta last location at the given coordinates" to read "Shall I plot a course to the U.S.S. Leeta's last known coordinates".
Consider changing the response button "Head to VZA-4001 to read "Plot a course and engage as soon as we are aboard".
VAZ-4001: This is a good map design with several tough but glorious battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing the response button "Then let's not disappoint the Chancellor J'mpok" to read "We do not want to keep the chancellor waiting. Plot an intercept course".
-The report on U.S.S. Leeta dialogue; consider changing "great deal of efforts" to read "great deal of effort".
-The report on O.S.S. Uktas dialogue; consider changing the response button "So, that is conform to what the Vulcan transmitted us" to read "So, this matches the information we received from the Vulcan".
-The report of O.S.S. Namtak dialogue; consider changing "mentioned in Lorena's Darclyffe reports" to read "mentioned in the Vulcan's report".
-The Inbound communication from Qo'Nos dialogue; consider changing "Qo'Nos" to read "Qo'noS".
-The Inbound communication from Qo'Nos dialogue; consider changing "has taken these information" to read "has taken the information you sent".
-The Military report dialogue; consider changing the response button "is not mine to take" to read "is not mine to make".
-The Incoming transmission dialogue; consider changing "The house of J'mok is contacting us Sir" to read "The house of J'mpok is contacting us sir".
O.S.S. Namtak: This is a nice map design with tough but glorious battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing the response button "Then let's not lose time and scan this door" to read "Lets scan the door".
-The clues task is pointless and adds nothing to the story. Consider removing it and going straight to the dialogue regarding blowing the door then onto the dialogue with Syrana.
-The Syrana dialogue; consider changing "I'm at the mess" to read "I'm in the mess".
-Consider changing "The rest is with use at the mess" to read "The rest are with me in the mess".
-After opening the door there is a panel across the hall to ask for reinforcements. The panel button says "Interact" consider changing it to read "Call for reinforcements". Also make this optional dialogue disappear after the player interacts with it.
-The Contact Syrana dialogue; consider changing "other Breen party aboard" to read "other Breen aboard".
-The Syrana dialogue; consider changing "We have been rescued when the O.S.S. Uktas has been attacked" to read "We'd been rescued by the O.S.S. Uktas when they were attacked".
-The sentence starting with "Their ship has been damaged" is a run on sentence and switches between present tense and past tense. It needs to be rewritten.
VAZ-4001#2: This map has no battles or dialogue other than the map transfer dialogue and therefore serves no purpose to the mission. Consider removing it and changing the map transfer dialogue on the previous map to tell the player they are being beamed directly to the planet.
DefericknRoll Festival: This is a good map design with a good start to the story dialogue but needs a little more detail. Consider adding more detailed story dialogue about the attack and the Undine. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name to read "Deferi Rock n Roll Festival".
-The Sound Engineer dialogue; consider changing "An horrible creature attacked us" to read "A horrible creature attacked us".
-Consider changing "I've been lucky to trip" to read "It was a good thing I tripped"
Communications Center: This is a good map design with a glorious battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the animation for "Extinguish the fire" to "Pointing" animation and add the "Extinguisher" effect. You can set the time frame to short. It would look better than waving hands in the air.
-The Engineering report dialogue; consider changing "Let's beam us back" to read "We should beam up immediately".
VAZ-4001#3: This is a nice map design with several very tough and glorious battles. The story dialogue was well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The enemy mobs are very tough and practically right on top of each other. I like a challenging and glorious battle but having the enemy mobs so close together makes it very difficult to win. Consider spreading the enemy out a little more and having the assisting ships appear in the middle of or right next to the fighting.
-The Explanations dialogue; consider changing the response button "You owe me explanations" to read "You owe me an explanation".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and I would like to see more Klingon missions in my queue. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 11/28/2014 on forum posting for: [KDF]Federation Spies.
I would like to submit my mission, it's my first attempt at the foundry for well over a year.
The Winter of Discontent
ST-HGI4VS2ZD
Fed mission
Level 35+
"A secret distress call unveils a crisis on Andoria, the uprising of a dangerous cult is bringing with it a terror that threatens to destroy the Andorians but will it stop there? Do you break the Prime Directive in order to save it?
Missions features heavy combat both ground and space as well as branching dialogue.
I would like to submit my mission, it's my first attempt at the foundry for well over a year.
The Winter of Discontent
ST-HGI4VS2ZD
Fed mission
Level 35+
"A secret distress call unveils a crisis on Andoria, the uprising of a dangerous cult is bringing with it a terror that threatens to destroy the Andorians but will it stop there? Do you break the Prime Directive in order to save it?
Missions features heavy combat both ground and space as well as branching dialogue.
Single player only to avoid spawns messing up."
Hi nrobbiec,
Thank you for the submission of your mission to the queue. You are currently 8th in the queue behind Lordarathron. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
With the destruction of her toxin facility at the Wamesahau system, I'Zira has launched a full invasion on the planet of Bajor to test her new toxin. In the process, she has taken control of Deep Space Nine and the planetary defense satelites. With Vice Admiral Kovu heading to Bajor to hold off till reinforcements arrive, you must take back Deep Space Nine and the planetary defense satelites with General Karopov's assistance. Should you fail, an entire civilization will be lost and along with it, possibly many more.
Report to the Lateri system to meet with General Karopov. Level 50+
Federation Mission - Scars of the Pride, Part 4: Evolution of Evil
Author: ashkrik23
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HPRP643YZ
Report Start
Summary: This is good installment and wrap up to this portion of the mission. Your map designs are good, the battles are extremely tough and the story dialogue is excellent. I would recommend this mission and the series to all players although not on Elite or Advanced levels. The combat on most maps was difficult enough on Normal level.
As I have mentioned in some of the other reviews for this series the battles were extremely tough mostly on the space maps. The ground maps seemed a little more balanced despite being pretty tough. On the space maps some of the battles were tough but fun and then suddenly became extremely tough. To be clear I define extremely tough as any battle requiring several respawns in order to destroy them a single enemy unit. There were quite a few of these in this mission. Part of the problem was when the enemy ships appeared they were right on top of the player. So if you had three enemy mobs for the player to deal with they were all within engagement range of the player. When you had assistance they did not last very long and the player was left to battle the enemy alone. On two of the maps there were no apparent respawn points at all. The lack of respawn points is part of the issue. A mission that requires the player to respawn several times in order to win the battle is less of a challenge and more of an annoyance. There is nothing wrong with a combat mission or in your case a story driven combat mission. Those missions can be fun but only if the battles are better balanced.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good detailed description. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "the planet of Bajor" to read "the planet Bajor"
-Consider changing "to hold off till" to read "hold off until".
-Consider changing the information regarding reporting to the Lateri system to [MissionInfo] dialogue so it stands out in description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Deep Space Nine Orbit: This is a nice map design with some extremely tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-There are several very powerful enemy ships on this map. Some of the battles were well balanced and a nice challenge but the enemy towards the end of the map were way over powered. I will note the maps where this is an issue and cover it in my summary above.
Deep Space Nine Interior: This is a good map design with some tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Bajor System Space: This is a good map design with some extremely tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Trying to Establish Orbit dialogue; consider changing "every starship in the federation" to read "every starship in the Federation".
-There are several very powerful enemy ships on this map.
-No respawn point. Consider adding a respawn point deeper into the map.
Bajor, City of Hathon, Under Siege: This is a good map design with a couple of extremely tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-There is a powerful enemy mob at the end of the map which is accompanied by other supporting enemy mobs. It is a bit too much.
Hathon Cave: This is a good map design with some tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Bajor System Space, Attack of the Planet Killers: This is a good map design with some extremely tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are several very powerful enemy ships on this map.
-No respawn point. Consider adding a respawn point deeper into the map at each heavy combat point.
Bajor, City of Hathon, Abandoned: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and the series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Summary: This is a great mission with a nice little twist in the story. The map designs are good, the battles are balanced and the story dialogue is well written. I would highly recommend this mission to other players who like a good story combined with fun and balanced combat. Consider adding a forum posting for all of your missions to help advertise them.
On both maps I mention the use of lower case spelling of "Federation" and in one instance "Starfleet". In both cases the proper use for each would be capitalization for each use. If it were referring to a specific form government and not the actual government then lower case would be acceptable. The Federation is referring to a specific organization vice just a form of government and therefore would be capitalized.
I suggest the use of "Captain" vice "[Rank]" in most missions now because it allows you to create dialogue that is rank and gender neutral. The rank neutral point is mainly used in missions where an NPC may have positional authority despite the player's actual rank. This does not really occur in your mission until the end when the player is addressed by your Admiral Velocitore dialogue. For the rest it works in a gender neutral way but also the rank of a ship captain is the whole reason to be in Starfleet regardless of your actual rank. I think it sounds better from a story point of view too. Along these lines I recommend you spell out the rank of "Captain" vice using the abbreviation version "Capt." in the dialogue. It would be okay to use as a label for the dialogue but not in the actual dialogue. In addition you switch between its uses in your own dialogue referring to Captain Takarnack in both ways. I suggest uniformity of usage for this issue.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The initial part of the description is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding the start location for the first custom map to the description as [MissionInfo] dialogue.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Cernan System: This is a good map design with balanced, fun combat and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I noted at least one comment that stated "audio in space had gulls" which I was not sure what they meant until I played the mission. There is a sound of sea gulls in the background noise. Either you have picked a background that has an ocean setting in it or there is an object being used on the map that has that sound associated with it. Consider checking the map for the cause of this sound and change or remove it.
-It seems odd that we would proceed into the system before conducting the initial scan. Consider placing the initial "Scan system" task right at the spawn point.
-In the dialogue consider changing the use of "[Rank]" to "Captain" so as to remain rank and gender neutral when dealing with NPCs in the mission.
-The Science Officer dialogue; consider changing the response button "Can you lay in a course to the nearest" to read "Lay in a course to the closets beacon". The player response needs to be more of an order rather than a request.
-The Elsewhere in the system dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]Capt. Renolds[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Captain Renolds[/OOC]".
-Consider changing all uses of the response button "Continue" to " " as this works even when the player is just listening.
-Consider changing "A federation Starship" to read "A Federation starship".
-The Tactical Officer dialogue; consider changing "a federation transport" to read "a Federation transport".
-It makes more sense for the player to be concerned over the safety and well being of the transport vice the beacon. Consider adding post combat dialogue where the player initially checks the status of the transport vessel. The player completes the "Return to Beacon Alpha" and "Send Away Team" tasks then "Rendezvous with transport" task.
-The Comm transmission from UFP-2156 dialogue; consider changing "where the federation would find it" to read "where the Federation would find it".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "where Capt. Renolds and" to read "where Captain Renolds and".
Beacon Gamma: This is a good map design with balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-In the dialogue consider changing the use of "[Rank]" to "Captain" so as to remain rank and gender neutral when dealing with NPCs in the mission. I will cover this in my summary above.
-The Slazzik dialogue; consider changing "The Data Files are encoded" to read "The data files are encoded".
-The Meanwhile in Space dialogue feels out of place. If this was supposed to be dialogue of the Klingon security forces the away team encounters after the dialogue then it needs to be written as if it is coming from them. If you are going to keep it consider changing it to be something the player's ship picked up in communications and relayed it. This can be done by inserting a dialogue box before the dialogue from the ship alerting the player to the approaching Klingon force. It can then be ended by the player responding "Looks like we are going to have company" or something along those lines.
-Consider changing "Targ federation wimps" to read "Targ Federation wimps". I will cover this in my summary above.
-The use of "Capt" vice "Captain" in all dialogue. I will cover this in my summary above.
-Consider removing the "Wandering" setting on the NPC Taleria. Once a player starts dialogue with the NPC if she is set to wander she will do it and the dialogue will close if she goes out of range of the player. NPCs that the player is required to interact with should be stationary.
-The Taleria dialogue; consider changing the response button "Your so helpful" to read "You're so helpful".
-The Scan Results dialogue; consider changing "women of starfleet" to read "women of Starfleet".
-The post Scan Crate Taleria dialogue; consider changing the response button "Your so helpful" to read "You're so helpful".
-Consider changing the "Dahar Master" in the final assault group to be "Captain Takarnack".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Summary: This is a great mission with a nice little twist in the story. The map designs are good, the battles are balanced and the story dialogue is well written. I would highly recommend this mission to other players who like a good story combined with fun and balanced combat. Consider adding a forum posting for all of your missions to help advertise them.
Thanks for reviewing the mission. I will take your suggestions into consideration when I update the mission. Your feedback is very helpful and I appreciate it greatly.
Thanks for reviewing the mission. I will take your suggestions into consideration when I update the mission. Your feedback is very helpful and I appreciate it greatly.
Thanks,
Velocitore
Hi Velocitore,
I am glad to be able to help in any way I can. Your mission was a lot of fun and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Hey, I have a two part mission that I would like reviews for. Thanks!
Mission Names: Requiem for a Dream (1/2) [and] Requiem for a Dream (2/2) Author:@11001001_v2.0 Allegiance: Federation Project ID's: ST-HBZMTCLGL [and] ST-HE6X3N2VQ Estimated Mission Length: under 45 min for each
Hey, I have a two part mission that I would like reviews for. Thanks!
Mission Names: Requiem for a Dream (1/2) [and] Requiem for a Dream (2/2) Author:@11001001_v2.0 Allegiance: Federation Project ID's: ST-HBZMTCLGL [and] ST-HE6X3N2VQ Estimated Mission Length: under 45 min for each
Hi locutusofcactus,
Welcome to the queue. Your missions are 8 and 9 in the queue behind velocitore. I will get to your missions as soon as I can.
Summary: This is a good combat oriented story mission with nice map designs, challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I would recommend this mission to other players even at the Advanced or Elite levels. You should consider creating a forum posting for your missions. It is good to get them out there so a player can find it easier.
There are a couple of places I discuss triggers below. Using triggers, both storyline and map ones, is a good way to make events happen that match the dialogue. The example I use on the Harry Kim Nebula map is one that really needs a rework for the triggered events. It seems that they some events are triggered based on a storyline dialogue trigger. Unfortunately the dialogue is usually discussing the event or element of the story after it has already appeared. This can be fixed simply by splitting up the dialogue rather than having it all in one. What this means is using the dialogue up to the point on the storyline where the object is to appear or an event takes place. Then place the object or event on the storyline and follow it with the dialogue regarding it. You can also use triggered objects or events on the map with a location and supporting dialogue on the storyline. What this means is the location where an object is to be placed or an event is to occur would be part of the storyline. Once the player arrives at the location and the dialogue, if any is completed, an interactive button appears. For example "Transport Emitter" would be the button. When the player clicks the button the object appears.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: Your description starts off with a good base discussing Janeway and the Voyager but it becomes a little too vague. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding a little more story that will draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button
-Consider adding the start location to the description as [MissionInfo] dialogue. This will make it easier for the player to locate and start the mission. For example; [MissionInfo]Console located on main concourse under Transporter Room[/MissionInfo]
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good story based dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The location of the console needs to be clearly stated. You want the player to find and start your mission rather than running around trying to locate "one of the consoles" to start. For example; [MissionInfo]Console located on main concourse under Transporter Room[/MissionInfo]
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Janeway Nebula: This is a nice map design with challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-In the initial dialogue with the alien consider switching the order of the dialogue so the player is not ignoring the alien entity to ask the Science BOFF if there is a ship. When the signal becomes clearer then the player would ask the BOFF if there is a ship. Once the player opens the channel they should talk to the alien.
-Consider changing "no ships in the vacinity" to read "no ships in the vicinity".
-When the nebula destabilizes consider using the "States" tab on the object to make it disappear. You could also change it to another lighter nebula that looks different from the initial one.
Crandon Nebula: This is a nice map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding initial dialogue announcing the arrival at the new nebula. Include a little information about the nebula and the need to close in and scan it.
-The post Defeat the Borg dialogue; consider changing "Borg ships closing in on this negula" to read "Borg ships closing in on this nebula".
Tronlick Nebula: This is a good map design with challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Harry Kim Nebula: This is a good map design with challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-During the Emitter deployment tasks they appear as soon as the dialogue is triggered. Consider setting up each emitter so the player must click an interact button to deploy them. Only the dialogue and location of the emitter would need to be on the storyline. The placing of the emitter would be an interact button that is triggered by an objective being completed. The player clicks the interact button and the emitter appears.
-There are several large Borg ships present following the Contact the Entity objective. Considering that throughout the mission the largest ship we fought was a sphere you may want to reduce the total number and size of the Borg that appear. At the most no more than 1 Borg cube should show up and the rest would be probes and spheres to make more sense.
-The three tasks to "Explore" the shield faces seems repetitive and unnecessary. Consider reducing them to no more than one. The ship should be able to scan each from a single location.
For some of the appearance and disappearance of the Borg you can make them appear by separating the dialogue on the storyline. For example at the end when the Borg threaten to return the ships are already gone. You could change this by making the dialogue with the Borg make their threats and the Science BOFF who states "The Borg are leaving sir".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job with the development of this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Hi, I'd like to request a review, if you've got the time.
Mission Name: A Murder on Vulcan
Author: @spankminister
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID's: ST-HGZQZC6NK
Estimated Mission Length: Around 30 minutes
Mostly story, very light combat. The setup is that the player has been asked to travel to Vulcan so that their Chief Engineer can present at the Academy during an academic symposium. That ends up being a cover story, as we soon find out, and the real plot unfolds: one of the scientists is a sleeper agent. Designed as a whodunit sort of mystery.
Hi, I'd like to request a review, if you've got the time.
Mission Name: A Murder on Vulcan
Author: @spankminister
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID's: ST-HGZQZC6NK
Estimated Mission Length: Around 30 minutes
Mostly story, very light combat. The setup is that the player has been asked to travel to Vulcan so that their Chief Engineer can present at the Academy during an academic symposium. That ends up being a cover story, as we soon find out, and the real plot unfolds: one of the scientists is a sleeper agent. Designed as a whodunit sort of mystery.
Hi Spankminister,
Welcome to the queue. Your mission is currently 9th in the queue behind 11001001_v2.0. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Evil70th, it's been a while. You're doing a valuable service to the Foundry community.
Mission Title: Time's Razor
Author: Captainazzarano
Project ID: ST-HTZ2LKMWJ
Allegiance: Federation
Level: 31+
Description: Struggling against the burden of creating a whole new civilization in the Delta Volanis Cluster, the colonists of Polaris have sent a request for basic provisions and supplies to Starfleet Command. But, when the ship encounters a subspace distortion that throws them back through time and space, they must find a way to try to repair the damage that they've done. Boldly go into the unknown in this episode of Star Trek: Odyssey...
Authors Notes: This episode includes elements of an RPG, an optional Side Quest, and ground battles. If you want to play the side quest, you can get it started by talking to the enlistment officer in the armory of Elysia map. The story contains a classic Trek twist at the end.
Estimated Length: 60-90 minutes depending on Side Quest play/reading time.
Summary: This is a good mission with well designed maps, fun battles and well written story dialogue. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players. It was an enjoyable story with a nice twist at the end. Well done.
I mention the use of weather starstreaks below on a couple of the space maps. This is a fairly common issue I have found on many missions in the past. In general I believe the Weather Starstreaks West East 01 effect is better than the Weather Starstreaks North South 01 effect. This is mainly due to the effect itself. The Weather Starstreaks North South 01 effect works if you are traveling at full impulse, otherwise it does not look that good. This becomes especially true if you are traveling south using this effect. That is why I usually recommend the other effect. The other issue you had was the alignment of the player when warp was engaged. If the player does not hit the exact spot you intended for the effect to become active it will look off or the player may not be in the effect at all. In one instance I was clearly below the effect when it engaged. Now, how to fix this? Recently I have been using the method of moving objects closer or when using warp making objects disappear and appear with the player never moving. Of course this would only work if you are not engaging in a fight during the map, which is the case in your mission. So it might be something to consider using for your maps.
The clear definition of tasks on a given map is the key to making the map and therefore the mission enjoyable. On two of your ground maps you have tasks that must be completed before the player can advance to the next task. While the maze on the "Elysia Sewer System" map is a nice twist the lack of clearly defined locations for certain tasks was annoying. For example the "Find the Maintenance Door" and "Find a Way Out" tasks did not show on the map. Each one had to be triggered before the other would show. I was able to get the general area using a scan but it would have been easy to miss the location of the "Find a Way Out" task on that map. The addition of the fog throughout that map also made it more annoying rather than a challenge. Consider making the fog disappear after they complete the "Find a Way Out" task. You can add some dialogue regarding the opening of the door sucking out all the fumes or something along those lines. The other map was the "Elysia" map. There were plenty of NPC Triggered dialogue but until the player found the "Scan the Panel" on the wall nothing else was visible. You should consider making the task the player needs to find clearly visible on the mini map as a task. If you want the player to explorer the area then add those items as tasks to be completed in the larger "Explore the Colony" task. Just be careful to make the other elements a good part of the overall story.
One last thing I mentioned below is the use of Captain [LastName]" vice "[Rank] [LastName]". There was at least one place in your maps dialogue where you switched between the uses of the two options albeit not the same window. In the story the player's rank is usually not a factor and can be awkward when they actually out rank the NPC they may be in charge of the situation. That was not necessarily the case in your mission but it allows you to create dialogue that is rank and gender neutral. Yes it is also a rank the player can obtain but being a starship Captain is where the real power of command lay and therefore more than just a rank.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the "Mission Start" information to [MissionInfo] dialogue so that it stands out in the text.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is well written grant and follow on dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the initial grant dialogue from [MissionInfo] to plain text.
-Consider changing the "Mission Start" information to [MissionInfo] dialogue vice [OOC].
-Consider changing "[Rank] [LastName]" to read "Captain [LastName]. I will cover this in more detail in my summary above.
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Polaris: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of "[Rank] [LastName]" vice "Captain [LastName]" was done on the initial dialogue but the same BOFF refers to the player as Captain in later dialogue. This will be part of the discussion indicated in the summary above.
???: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Even though sir is a sign of respect consider changing dialogue "sir" to read "Captain" as that is the position of the player and would less gender specific.
-If you are going to use the warp streaks then consider changing your map orientation to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space then the "Weather Starstreaks North South 01" regardless of the players speed. The other issue is player alignment to the right angle and altitude when the warp starts it looks odd. Perhaps remove the warp streaks altogether and have the player warp directly to that part of the system when they engage the warp. I will discuss this in more detail in my summary above.
-The Orbit & Scan Unknown V task location is not clearly defined on the map. I was able to find it as I understood the 45 degree angle given but not every player would understand it. Consider using a place marker or other object that provides a location on the mini map for the player to proceed to.
-The post Orbit & Scan Unknown V dialogue; consider changing "heavily damaged after we when through the subspace distortion" to read "heavily damaged after we went through the subspace distortion".
Colony: This is a good map design with some fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-At the end of the Talk to the Elders task the three buttons that appear all say "Interact" consider changing them to "Speak with " whomever the button has them speak with.
-Consider placing all the Elders closer together at the meeting location. It appears strange when they speak but are farther away.
-Consider looking at the map on High Detail. I play my missions on High Detail and there are a lot of plants that end up blocking some of the elements you have placed on the map.
Unknown System: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of warp streaks and movement on the map are the same as previously discussed on the "???" map. I will discuss this in more detail in my summary above.
Elysia Sewer System: This is a nice map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-This map needs clearly defined tasks, which means a clear location on the mini map. I will discuss this in my summary above.
Elysia: This is a very good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-This map needs clearly defined tasks, which means a clear location on the mini map.
-The use of optional dialogue vice triggered dialogue. Along with clearly defined mission tasks needing to be placed on this map the use of triggered dialogue may be a better option rather than NPC triggered. The optional triggered dialogue goes away after the player interacts. The NPC triggered dialogue does not.
-You had a couple of "Interact" buttons vice actual indication of what the player was doing. I noted it on the phaser in the armory and in the library. Interact is a default for a button that has not been defined. Consider checking all interactions to ensure the buttons are clearly defined.
-Consider replacing all the chairs in the court room with benches. It would look better than the chairs you are currently using.
Security & Maintanence Level: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name to read "Security & Maintenance Level" vice the current spelling of Maintenance as indicated in the map name above.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work and this series in the future.
Brian
Mission Name: The Caitian Gambit part 1 of 1
Author: @helixfungus
Minimum Level: 31+
Allegiance:Federation
Project ID: ST-HERZBK76Z
Estimated Mission Length: 30 to 40 mins
In this mission you help the USS Constitution, a fed ship with a full Caitian compliment on board, to survive a major crisis menacing the Caitian homeworld... this is in part a reboot of The Motion Picture, only with Caitians as protagonists... but there is more, a side story on a Founder rogue shapeshfter that is harassing this crew for a very good reason...
Part 2 of 2 resolve this subplot for good ...
Federation Mission - The Caitian Gambit part 1 of 2
Author: helixfungus
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HERZBK76Z
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission and a nice tribute to the TOS movie. The map designs are pretty well done; the battles are fine and the story dialogue works well despite needing some refinement. Despite needing a little work here and there I would still recommend this mission to other players.
The main issue with the dialogue was punctuation usage. In almost every dialogue window you had " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points. They just do not go together. If it is a pause or interruption then use " " in the dialogue. If it is a question of exclamation then use one of those characters alone. Another issue with almost all the dialogue and response buttons was a space between the dialogue and punctuation. When you add those issues with random carriage returns in the middle of dialogue sentences it becomes a distraction from the story and mission. Consider going over the entire mission dialogue and response buttons to correct these issues.
There were some issues with map design involving the insertion of steps. While I like the use of space on the maps the alignment of the steps was a bit of a distraction. This is most likely caused but the "Snap to grid" feature being turned on in the map design. You can deselect this feature by clicking on the grid pattern at the top of the map design window. That feature is selected by default and must be turned off each time you edit the foundry mission. This gives you the ability to more precisely align the objects on maps. The other issue regarding consistency was on the U.S.S. Constitution - Conference Room map you have the step go up to the rail but then nothing on the other side. To make it look better you should add steps on the other side of the railing. It would look better during the play.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description needs to be more about the mission and what it is about. You goal is to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the Entry info to [MissionInfo] dialogue so it will stand out in the description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is okay but needs a work. This entire dialogue feels more like informational rather than urgent and needs to be rewritten. Your goal here is to make the player want to click the 'Accept' button and there is nothing in the current write up that does that. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Greetings, [Rank]" to read "Captain we have received a distress call from the U.S.S. Constitution in the Kei system". Then strike the second line starting with "There is a distress call".
-Consider changing the entire sentence that starts with "One of our ships" to read "The U.S.S. Constitution is under attack and needs immediate assistance". The crew being made up of a single race is irrelevant to this part of the mission.
-Consider removing the entire sentence that starts with "It's not the first time" as it has nothing to do with the ships current status.
-Put a space in between "forces." and "Admiral".
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: The prompt for the mission needs work on the use of punctuation. You have a space after the word "Sir" and the exclamation point.
MAPS: Kei Star System: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "What would this be ?" in a response button or dialogue. It is quite extensive on this map.
-Consider changing "is't an old wild Ferasan" to read "It's an old wild Ferasan".
-Check dialogue for use of seemingly random carriage returns in the middle of a sentence. I noted it in a couple of places on this map.
-There were a couple of fights where the Constitution seemed to become more than one ship. It looked like there were two ships as it separated into a saucer and main section that did not match the design of the original ship. Consider checking the ship you have skinned as the Constitution.
U.S.S. Constitution Interior: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the initial task "Give an hand" to read "Give a hand".
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "every mode but stun !" in a response button or dialogue. It is quite extensive on this map.
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-Consider changing the NPC Optional dialogue triggered dialogue using an invisible object. That way the dialogue will disappear after the player interacts with it.
U.S.S. Constitution - Conference Room: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "is that so ?" in a response button or dialogue. It is quite extensive on this map.
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-This is more of a plot observation. In both the description and grant dialogue you indicate the entire crew of the Constitution is Caitian yet on this map you have both Reman and Orion females. Additionally both the Reman and Orion females are missing their legs. I suspect this is because Cryptic did not map legs for the costumes you chose for each NPC. Consider changing them or removing them for consistency to the story.
-The Caitian and Reman attraction tasks do not appear to serve any purpose in the story or mission. Consider removing those two tasks.
-The steps you designed to go up to the other level are good but they need to be aligned more evenly. When traversing them I kept getting stuck and had to jump on each one. Additionally you should have steps down on the other side of the rail for consistency. It appears that when you were setting the steps up you had the "Snap to grid" turned on in the map design. I will discuss this in my summary above.
Intruder Intercept - Inside the Nebula: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "Let's go ahead !" in a response button or dialogue. It is quite extensive on this map.
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-There is dialogue were the Science BOFF refers to two or more ships that confronted the player, however the battle only had one enemy ship the player had to battle. Consider reviewing the combat and rewriting the dialogue to remove reference to multiple enemy ships.
-There were a couple of fights where the Constitution seemed to become more than one ship. It looked like there were two ships as it separated into a saucer and main section that did not match the design of the original ship. Consider checking the ship you have skinned as the Constitution.
-Check dialogue for use of seemingly random carriage returns in the middle of a sentence. I noted it in a couple of places on this map.
U.S.S. Vagrant Interior: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "what do you make of it ?" in a response button or dialogue. It is quite extensive on this map.
-The steps you designed to go up to the other level are good but they need to be aligned more evenly. When traversing them I got stuck on one or two of them.
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-The trigger for the "Technological Miracles Happens Sometimes" task is visible sticking out of the console. Consider adding a console that would blend with the existing one for the map or use an invisible object as the trigger.
T'rigger interior: This is a very good map design with well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "Commander ?" in a response button or dialogue. It is quite extensive on this map.
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-The appearance of R'riala happens after she begins speaking. Consider having her appear after the "To touch the Creator" task is completed.
-Consider changing the task "What do T'Rigger wants" to read "What does T'Rigger want".
-The map name is "T'rigger interior" yet the tasks and dialogue refer to the invader as "T'Rigger". Consider updating the tasks to be in line with the dialogue spelling of T'Rigger.
Cait Proximity: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "let's split up, shall we ?" in a response button or dialogue. It is quite extensive on this map.
-Check dialogue for use of seemingly random carriage returns in the middle of a sentence. I noted it in a couple of places on this map.
-There was a fight where the Constitution seemed to become more than one ship. It is also possible you have a fighting version appear and the other non fighting one remains. Consider checking the ship you have skinned as the Constitution and if you have combat versions of the ship appearing.
U.S.S. Constitution Interior: This is a very good map design with well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "Sir !" in a response button or dialogue. It is quite extensive on this map.
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-During the "Doctor doctor" task Admiral Chip has dialogue as if his character is present in the transporter room but he is not. Consider having the character appear when the task is in progress.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a nice job designing this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing the next in the series and more of your work in the future.
Brian
As you probably know English is not my mother tongue, and though I make any effort possible to get some proofreading before publishing, it's not easy to have a good and solid one. This is a serious matter to me... one that in fact cooled down my eagerness to publish new missions for the Foundry... I publish in English because its a rather universal language, but I find angloamerican players to be obsessive on the grammar subject. In fact I get the most positive revvies from non-USA players.
For anything else... let me expose my side of the story.
The reman and orion women were there for relief purposes, I can understand some ppl do not like the approach thing - at the same time I know other ppl who does like them anyway, so I think that won't change them. For the sake of the story, they are there because they are passengers as Fed guests - in a Fed ship with a full Caitian crew.
The steps that are in the final part of the map--- the snap to grid is not relevant here , the height valor of each step does. Every player has its edge with hardships during plays, but one I sincerely define as minor is to jump to climb some steps, I mean, it's not like you can't move anymore, you can jump eventually...
I tried to configure the state of "R'Riala" in the T'Rigger interior map, but I found that I can raise her only with "Current Objective" setting, because the NPC is part of story events.
I skinned the Constitution's combat group with a Constitution class vessel and its shuttles, it's should be ok now. And I will check the states of the non-combat Constitution.
Thanks again for the playthrough AND for the revvie, I consider it a valid resource to improve my mission.
As you probably know English is not my mother tongue, and though I make any effort possible to get some proofreading before publishing, it's not easy to have a good and solid one. This is a serious matter to me... one that in fact cooled down my eagerness to publish new missions for the Foundry... I publish in English because its a rather universal language, but I find angloamerican players to be obsessive on the grammar subject. In fact I get the most positive revvies from non-USA players.
I would imagine it is never easy publishing in your nonnative language. For me, I would be unable to publish in any other language, although I am able to ask where the bathroom is and order beer in six languages but that would not make for a good mission.
In my mission reviews spelling and grammar are only a part of what I look at. The only issue you had apart from one or two spelling errors was the punctuation. Overall, your entire mission dialogue was intriguing and kept me interested. The only thing you need to correct is your use of punctuation. Most of those are spaces between the end of a sentence and exclamation points or question marks. If you remove those spaces it will read properly and the problem is solved. The other issue with punctuation is your use of three periods in conjunction with exclamation points or question marks. This is an issue because three periods usually denotes a pause or interruption of the dialogue. I have seen it used to link dialogue with a pause such as "Captain this is awkward at best" or something similar. The exclamation point would be for surprise, alarm or anger and a question mark is exactly what it implies. If you remove either the three periods or the exclamation points and question marks following them the issue would be resolved. You need to decide if you are looking to imply in the dialogue a pause or surprise or a question.
For anything else... let me expose my side of the story.
The reman and orion women were there for relief purposes, I can understand some ppl do not like the approach thing - at the same time I know other ppl who does like them anyway, so I think that won't change them. For the sake of the story, they are there because they are passengers as Fed guests - in a Fed ship with a full Caitian crew.
The steps that are in the final part of the map--- the snap to grid is not relevant here , the height valor of each step does. Every player has its edge with hardships during plays, but one I sincerely define as minor is to jump to climb some steps, I mean, it's not like you can't move anymore, you can jump...
I mentioned your use of the Reman and Orion women for two reasons. The first is because you state specifically in the description, grant and other dialogue leading up to the "U.S.S. Constitution - Conference Room" map that it is an all Caitian crew on the ship. Based on your lead up to this point the player would have no reason to expect to see anything other than Caitian crew there. While some players may like the presence of those NPCs the question you need to ask is, do they really need to be an objective in the mission story. The dialogue the player receives when they have to interact with them, because of they are part of the mission storyline, serves no purpose in the story. You can keep them for those players that like the diversion during the mission but I would suggest removing them from the storyline. If they are part of the storyline the player has to interact with them in order to continue the mission. The second reason was both NPCs legs are missing, which is most likely because the legs for that outfit are not properly mapped in the game. That is not something you can correct but it should be reported as a graphic bug. Until it is fixed I would suggest you change the outfits they are wearing.
Another element that I look at when I review a mission is how it looks during play. Your usage of the upper level on that map is good but as I indicated in my review the steps going up to that level looked uneven. When I approached them I had to jump to the next step a couple of times in order to traverse the steps. Upon testing in the Foundry I noted that if snap to grid is set then the minimum Y setting appears to be .6089 meters. Based on my testing I would suggest you deselect snap to grid and then use the Y setting of .25 meters per step. That would be a Y setting of .25 for the first, .5 for the second, .75 for the third and so on. This makes a nice even step that looks clean and the player will have no problem with.
I skinned the Constitution's combat group with a Constitution class vessel and its shuttles, it's should be ok now. And I will check the states of the non-combat Constitution.
In at least one of the battles the Constitution became a Prometheus class starship with the separate saucer and main drive sections.
Thanks again for the playthrough AND for the revvie, I consider it a valid resource to improve my mission.
As always, I am happy to offer advice on how I feel authors can improve a mission. It is my goal to help authors with my reviews. Thanks for authoring and keep up the good work.
Brian
Mission Name: The Caitian Gambit part 2 of 2
Author: @helixfungus
Minimum Level: 31+
Allegiance: Federation/
Project ID: ST-HJLTFLCAY
Estimated Mission Length: 30 to 40 mins
After saving Caitian homeworld, a vile vengeance plan to discredit Caitian Admiral Bim Chip takes place. Only you, as his battle companion during first part, can shed positive light in front of Caitian justice... and maybe put an end to Rodo's evil doing in the Alpha Quadrant...
Federation Mission - The Caitian Gambit part 2 of 2
Author: helixfungus
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HJLTFLCAY
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission and nice wrap up to the series. Your map designs are very well done, the battles are not difficult but not too easy either. The dialogue is well written despite needing a few tweaks here and there as I indicated below. Considering, as you said, English is not your native language you did quite well. I would definitely recommend this mission and the series to other players.
Normally I would use this area to discuss some of the issues I found in your mission. The previous review covered those issues quite well considering they are basically the same. This time I wanted to say congratulations on your map design, particularly with the follow NPC ships and combat support on your space maps. The patrol legs you set for these ships were very well setup and executed. It definitely added to the overall mission play and style you used in designing the maps. Well done!
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This description is good but needs a little more story to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the Entry point info to [MissionInfo] dialogue so it will stand out in the description.
-Consider changing the information that is separate from the description to [OOC] dialogue so both the description and notes will stand out.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This grant dialogue is good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this task.
MAPS: Cait Proximity: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue that needs a little work. You did an excellent job setting up the "Follow" the NPC ship task. It looked great and performed well during the mission play. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "Can I speak with Admiral Chip now ?" in a response button or dialogue. It is quite extensive on this map.
Sura Orbital Outpost Interior: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "is it right ?" in a response button or dialogue.
-Consider removing movement of any NPCs that have optional or required dialogue. If the player starts to read the dialogue and the NPC walks away the dialogue disappears and the player must start over.
Sura Ground, High Security Detention Facility: This is a good map design with fun, balanced, optional battles and well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "at the outer entrance ?We will wait" in a response button or dialogue.
-The first optional combat appears to be re-skinned Tholians. Consider changing them to Orions or something other than Tholians.
U.S.S. Constitution - Middeck 12: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue that needs a little work. The method you use to transfer us from the transporter deck to sickbay was well done but be careful the player does not lose the away team. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-The Inquisitor Nokaa dialogue; consider changing the response button "that some exterior forces is involved ?" to read "that some exterior forces are involved?"
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "to take back his command seat !" in a response button or dialogue.
-The issue with the apparent "Glitch in the map code" may mean you need to rebuild using a different map. You can also move objects around and see if perhaps a different floor would work.
DS9 Interior: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "Where is Captain Kurland ?" in a response button or dialogue.
-The triggered interaction for the Quarks bar notice reads "Interact" which is the default entry. Consider the button to read "Read notice on Quarks bar" or something along those lines.
DS9 Proximity - B'Hava'el System: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue that needs a little work. You did a great job setting up and executing the "Follow" the NPC ship task. It looked great and performed well during the mission play. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-The Acting Captain M'Vara Chip dialogue; consider changing the response button "Did Detor gave us what he promised ?" to read "Did Detor give us what he promised?".
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "It's deep in the Badlands !" in a response button or dialogue.
The Badlands: This is a good map design with fun optional battles and well written story dialogue that needs a little work. The way you setup the U.S.S. Constitution patrol pattern so it moved in support of the battles was outstanding. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-The Acting Captain M'Vara Chip dialogue; consider changing the response button "M'Vara, don't lower sharpness right now !" to read "M'Vara, don't get cocky!".
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "You are a good captain !" in a response button or dialogue.
Rodo's Link Planet surface: This is a good map design with fun optional battles and well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I am not aware of any EVA suits that you can provide to your BOFFs that will work in the lack of atmosphere environment you provided on the planet.
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "Good job !" in a response button or dialogue.
U.S.S. Constitution - Bridge: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Acting Captain M'Vara Chip dialogue; consider changing "Welcome on our ship !" to read "Welcome aboard!"
-Consider changing the response button "what has changed your mind ?" to read "what has changed your mind?"
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "Good job !" in a response button or dialogue.
-The Admiral Bim Chip dialogue; consider changing the response button "Yeah, the lesser persons knew, the better" to read "Yeah, the less people who knew, the better".
-Consider changing the response button "I really prefer to be informed" to read "I really would rather have known".
-The Activate the Weapon's console task interaction button reads "Interact" which is the default entry. Consider the button to read "Access weapons control" or something along those lines.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and the series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Comments
I hope you enjoy part 2.
Thanks again for playing it.
Thanks
Logitech007
Hi Logitech007,
As always I am glad I could help. I hope to get to part 2 of your mission before the weekend.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - The Covenant part 2
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HINOZE859
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission with a nice mix of fun battles and story dialogue. There are spelling, syntax and grammatical errors in the dialogue that detract from the overall story but I would still recommend the mission and series to other players.
As an author you are telling the player a story. It is important to keep the player interested in what is going on in the mission. In the review I mention the placement of tasks on maps and the excessive nature of some of those tasks. Repetitive tasks with exactly the same dialogue and actions can be quite annoying. The question to ask is, are they necessary to the mission? Do they add to the story? If you answer no to either one or both then you should consider removing the tasks or updating them. This can be as simple as changing the task to something else related to the story or updating the dialogue so it serves the story and the mission. In the same way, making a map short with one or two dialogues or tasks and nothing else makes the map seem pointless. You have to keep the player engaged in the story.
One last thing that you need to look at is the placement of objects and when should they become visible to the player. On the Federation Prison facility map you have the player place pattern enhancers around the cells. When the task starts those pattern enhancers are already visible. This is easy to correct by changing the setting to make them invisible until that particular task is completed.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted a couple of things to consider changing:
-Consider adding additional space between your mission description and the information regarding the EV suit.
-Consider changing the Start Location to [MissionInfo] so that it stands out from the regular text.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is the same dialogue from the description. Consider rewriting this dialogue to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[OOC]I will you know when[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]I will let you know[/OOC]".
-Consider offering the player the ability to recap the previous mission leading up to the start of this mission. A recap of the previous mission here would make the story flow better. By making it optional the player can skip it and continue. At the end of the last mission we were in the Cardassian embassy and the mission ended. On this mission we start off with no explanation of how we got there.
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: The prompt is the same as the button. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider rewriting the prompt dialogue to be related to the story as it begins.
MAPS:
The Covenant Unknown Operation Base: This is a good map design and use of the dialogue prompts. There are quite a few dialogue spelling, syntax and grammatical errors noted below. I noted several items to consider changing:
-The initial spawn point appears to be slightly above the floor. When the player spawns they drop about a meter or so. Make sure your "Snap to grid" feature is off in the Foundry when editing positions of objects including the spawn point.
-The 3rd Commander dialogue; consider changing "Sir, the group that was task to attack the IKS Vodieh is docking up with us now" to read "Sir, the group that was tasked with the attack on the IKS Vodieh is in the process of docking now".
-The dialogue starting with "The Klingons have added more warriors to each vessel after the Embassy attacks, and the Commander who was in charged of this operation did not take in the fact that the Klingon vessels can cloak and decloak whenever" to read "The Klingons added warriors to the crew of each vessel following the embassy attacks. In addition the commander of the operation failed to account for the Klingon vessels ability to cloak during combat".
-Consider changing "So if the Commander was not incompetent, the mission would have succeeded." to read "So, if the commander had not been incompetent the mission would have succeeded?"
-Consider changing "As soon as that Commander is done take him to the airlock and airlock him, then report back to me" to read "Once the Commander has docked his ship take him to the nearest airlock and release him into space".
-Consider changing "You do it or I will find someone who will do it then airlock you after" to read "Do it or you will be next".
-Consider changing "[FirstName], She wishes to see you in her office, at once" to read "[FirstName], she wishes to see you in her office at once".
-Consider changing the response button "I guess i will find out as soon as I get there" to read "I guess I will find out when I get there".
-The Her dialogue; consider removing "and step closer".
-Consider changing "[OOC]I know that the Covenant was formed after the end of the Dominion war by your father and a few others about a year or so after the end of the Dominion war[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]The Covenant was formed by your father and others about a year or so after the end of the Dominion war[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Then your father retired from Starfleet to a remote planet deep within Federation space then he died fighting the Klingons after the Undine once again crossed into Federation space and infiltrated the Klingon Empire[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Your father retired from Starfleet to live on a planet deep within the Federation. He died fighting the Klingons who invaded after the Undine infiltrated the Empire from Federation space[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]During the Dominion war you had graduated from Starfleet Academy with top honors and was assigned to a vessel then something happens and you leave Starfleet and have not ever been seen or heard of again[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]You graduated from Starfleet Academy at the top of your class and were assigned to an Excelsior class starship, I do not recall which one. The ship was attacked while you were removing Federation civilians from a colony, many people were killed and you resigned from Starfleet. No one has seen or heard from you since then[/OOC]".
-The use of the response button "Continue" which is the default when nothing is entered for the button. Consider replacing it with " " or when used in conjunction with [OOC] dialogue put the last line of the dialogue in the response button. From this point forward I will note the maps where this is used excessively.
-From this point forward, due to the volume of spelling, syntax and grammatical errors I will only note maps with these issues and not the specific issue. It will be up to you to review the dialogue on those maps.
-The review of the Covenant roster seems pointless without information on the skills of each member. If the review is to allow the player to select members of the team then it should list skills for each. Consider adding in skills that are needed on the mission and give the rest skills that would be of no use on the mission.
-The approach to each member of the team you have selected seems generic and repetitive. Consider changing in line with the roster review recommendation I made above. Perhaps they can briefly discuss the skills each team member brings to the mission.
Lilitu System: This is a good map design with some tough but fun battles and short, well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-You appear to be using satellite beacons to mark the location of each scan. Consider replacing them with invisible objects to mark the location of the next scan. If you need a flashing beacon there is an effect that can be added for this purpose.
Federation Prison facility: This is a nice map design but has some issues with NPCs disappearing or falling off the map. The battles are fun but the dialogue has spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. I noted items to consider changing:
-The initial spawn point appears to be slightly above the floor. Check it to ensure it is on the floor.
-There is an issue with the away team disappearing through the walls during combat. Since this is a custom map you should check the objects you are using to see if there are holes or perhaps there are pathing issues with some of the objects being used.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are quite a few.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The additional Covenant members of the team have dialogue but do not appear to be present anywhere on the map.
-Consider changing the optional NPC triggered dialogue to optional triggered dialogue using invisible objects. This will allow the player to come across the dialogue as they move to a location. Once they interact with the dialogue it goes away. Most of the NPC optional dialogue does not appear to enhance the story in anyway.
-Consider combining the task to extend the ramp and walkways at one time. Also consider placing the console inside the room to complete the task.
-Consider changing the task "Set up transporters boosters" to read "Set up pattern enhancers".
-All the enhancers are visible as soon as the task is started. Consider setting them to become visible as each task is complete.
-Requiring the player to setup 8 enhancers seems like a waste of time. Consider reducing the number of enhancers that have to be setup.
-The dialogue refers to them as transport inhibitors. Consider changing "transport inhibitor" to read "pattern enhancer".
Lilitu System: This is a good map design with some fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
The Covenant Unknown Operation Base: This is a good map design and use of the dialogue prompts. The dialogue has spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. I noted items to consider changing:
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are quite a few.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
Sarita System: This is a good map design and use of the dialogue prompts. The dialogue has spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. I noted items to consider changing:
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are quite a few.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The transport bioweapons point appears to happen before the dialogue stating we are in transporter range. Check to verify that the proper order occurs in the sequence.
-Plot point. If we are close enough to beam in the bioweapons why do we have to get closer to transport onboard the station?
Romulan Outpost: This is an interesting map design. The dialogue has spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. I noted items to consider changing:
-The blinding nature of the "bioweapon" seems excessive. Even using the mini-map to find our way through is not as much a challenge as an annoyance. Consider removing the blinding light and replace it with gas everywhere.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are quite a few.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-There are a few places where the warning about the door being locked comes after the door has been open. This may be caused by incorrect placement of the trigger for the dialogue or the fact that the player cannot see where they are going except for the mini-map. Consider changing all of the triggered dialogue for proper placement.
-There are ten doors to open including the command area. This would be excessive even if the blinding light was not inhibiting the players view. Consider removing some of the "Open the door" tasks.
-The beam over security and beam up body's tasks have a beam in or beam out animation which is what the player does not what the object does. Consider changing it to a tap combadge animation.
-At least two of the Beam over the Romulan dead buttons is the default "Interact" button. Consider changing it.
-The download data tasks were difficult to find on the map. Consider making them actual consoles that light up when the player is in range.
The Covenant Unknown Operation Base: This is a good map design and use of the dialogue prompts. The dialogue has a few spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are quite a few.
Mars: This is a nice map design with great features but no point in the story. There is a single dialogue at the start when we arrive and another when we get within transporter range. Consider adding more story dialogue or other actions, for example avoiding patrols, or delete this map.
Utopia Planitia fleet yards: This is a nice map design but you need more of the story here before you end the mission. Consider adding more dialogue about the mission or about the apparent betrayal. As it is the player beams in, there are two more short dialogue windows and then the end. You could use this area to do a precursor for part 3 of the series.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did well in developing this mission and the series so far. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work and the next mission in the series.
Brian
This critique report also filed 11/13/2014 on forum posting for: The Covenant Series.
I am looking into the issues you have pointed out to me in your post.
Thanks for your hard work and your time and effort.
Thanks and please keep it up.
Thanks
Logitech007
Hi Logitech,
As always I am glad I could help. Please make sure you submit your request to get your part 3 in the queue.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - The Forgotten Battle
Author: voporak
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HD2QJUECX
Report Start
Summary: This is a good combat oriented mission with nice map design, several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I would recommend this mission to other players although not on Elite level. It was more than a challenge on Normal.
Overwhelming enemy mobs can make a fun combat oriented mission into a grinder style mission. Proper balancing of enemy mobs is not always easy to do when designing this type of mission. You are aware of the issue since your own grant dialogue recommends that players not use Advanced or Elite levels. The game play will scale the enemy mobs to an appropriate level based on the player skills and settings. Many players enjoy playing missions on Advanced or Elite levels for the challenge and of course the loot is greater. As an author designing a combat oriented mission you need to tailor it so the enemy mobs are not overwhelming but just enough of a challenge to keep it interesting.
I mentioned the use of [Rank] versus calling the player Captain. In my opinion the use of [Rank] vice Captain is way overdone in many missions. It was not bad in your mission but it was noticeable. As I indicated below referring to the player as Captain will make the dialogue flow better when receiving orders from someone who is a lower rank but has positional authority. The other reason is, despite actual rank, each player is the Captain of their ship. It is a position and title that carries responsibility and a sense of honor with it. Therefore I would highly recommend its use in your mission and other authors mission as well.
Below are a few things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a an interesting description but consider adding a little more story. There is really nothing there that will draw the player in and make them want to click 'Hail'. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding the start location of the first custom map.
Grant Mission Dialogue: Overall this is good grant dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "making an emergency crash on a moon" to read "making an emergency landing on a moon"
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Kassae Cave: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Corwin dialogue; consider changing "about your triumphs" to read "about your missions".
-Consider changing the response button "discuss those triumphs" to read "discuss those missions".
-Consider changing references to the player [Rank] to Captain. This will make the story flow better when the player is taking orders from someone who is lower in actual rank despite positional authority.
-Consider changing "The took us by surprise" to read "They took us by surprise".
-Consider changing "friend from the Academy" to read "friend from the academy".
-The Val'lesh dialogue; consider changing the response button "We first need to set up" to read "We need to set up". The word "first" is not needed since you do not follow up with a "second".
-The "buried mines" do not really add to the story since there are no Starfleet NPCs with the player and no bodies lying around after the blast. Consider adding bodies lying around following the blast or remove them.
-Consider changing the animation for the wounded on the bunk beds to "Injured Laying on Back" or something were they move now and then. Otherwise if they are dead then have them lying on the ground.
Kassae Cave: This is a good map design with several very tough battles and some story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding ship debris to the cave to make it look more like the Voth crashed.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 11/19/2014 on forum posting for: [URL=" http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/showthread.php?t=1102481"]Voporak's Foundry Missions[/URL].
Federation Mission - Imperfection
Author: voporak
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HADXITMIX
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I really enjoyed the story in the mission and would definitely recommend it to other players. I would not recommend it on Advanced or Elite levels as several of the engagements were very challenging even on Normal.
The balancing of enemy mobs was mentioned on two of the maps below. This is referring to spreading out the enemy to give the player a chance to fight the enemy using tactics vice respawns. On your Borg Sphere map I understood where you were going with the story but it just felt over done. The ships on the Mutara Nebula map were way to close together and the player is forced to engage multiple enemy mobs at once. I felt the overwhelming force did not really add to the story. Combat in the context of the mission can be fun and should be a challenge but being destroyed or killed over and over again is not a challenge, it is annoying.
In most of your dialogue you use a full spelling of rank for Admiral, Captain and Commander. This feels odd when you use abbreviations for lesser ranks such as Lieutenant Commander as Ltc. or Lieutenant as Lt. Setting aside acceptable rank abbreviations and there uses it felt odd when you switched be the use of full rank spelling and abbreviations in the dialogue. Consider changing the rank abbreviations you have for the lesser ranks in favor of full spelling of the ranks. This includes dialogue tags as well.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
-Consider adding the start location for the first custom map.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue overall. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider moving the notes on playing Perfection series and Disclaimer to the Description.
-Consider adding the start location for the first custom map to the Description.
Mission Task: This is a good initial mission task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the initial prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Starbase K-7: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
- Since you are using full spelling of Admiral, Captain and Commander for ranks in the dialogue consider using full spelling for all to be consistent. From this point forward I will note the maps and cover it in my summary.
-The location of the holodeck door is in the passageway leading to Club K-7 blocking the entrance to the club. Consider moving the door to a wall location within the club vice blocking the entrance.
Mutara Nebula: This is a good map design with very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider using full spelling of all ranks for consistency in dialogue.
-Consider balancing the enemy mobs by spreading them out to give the player a chance to engage each separately.
Borg Sphere: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider using full spelling of all ranks for consistency in dialogue.
-Consider balancing the enemy mobs.
Borg Cube: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider using full spelling of all ranks for consistency in dialogue.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 11/24/2014 on forum posting for: Voporak's Foundry Missions.
Federation Mission - Explore Delta Volanis 4171C - The Snare
Author: rekurzion
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HARM78KB4
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission with several excellent map designs, tough but fun battles and outstanding story dialogue. I did not find any spelling or grammatical errors in any of the dialogue. This mission was a little longer than 45 minutes but was so engaging that it was hardly noticeable. It had a good balance of story and fighting to keep it interesting. I would highly recommend this mission to other players.
Below is one issue in the description and one with the Entrance map I thought you may want to correct. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is okay but needs more of the story to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Hail'. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding the start location for the first custom map.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This dialogue needs to have more of the story added. Just like the description above you want something here that draws the player in so we click the 'Accept' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Sector 1c: This is a good map design with excellent story design. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Sector 1c: This is a good map design with very tough combat and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Entrance: This map design is great and has a lot of potential but other than a transition seems to serve no purpose. I understand the effect you were going for but consider adding more dialogue or other activities to make the map worth using, otherwise consider removing the map.
Facility 3: This is a great map design with fun combat and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Facility 3: This is a great map design with excellent story dialogue and some fun combat at the very end. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Habitation: This is a good map design with tough but fun combat and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Sector 1c: This is a great map design with nice effects and well written story dialogue. I like the choices you give the player for saving the rebels or leaving them. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Sector 1c: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with the development of this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 11/25/2014 on forum posting for: New Mission from New Author: Exploration Mission
Good points on the mission description. I first wanted to keep the mystery and not expose too much of the story, but I should be able to do that and still give an explanation to draw in players.
I also agree with you on the Entrance as it once served as the introduction to the story's villain and the first combat scene but diverged from that as the story was built. I'll have to revisit what to make of this map.
Thank you again for your review.
As always I am glad I could help.
Now about the "not giving to much away" comment, I agree but think you should be able to word it so the actual story remains a secret. Something like, "What starts out as a routine exploration mission fails to stay routine" or something along those lines.
For the Entrance map I think you should throw in some BOFF science officer dialogue regarding an initial scan. Perhaps a prelude to what is coming up on the next maps. Information about energy being too high for a facility of this size. Speculation about what that amount of energy would be needed for and so on. Perhaps more information about the door type and thickness. Of course how you word it and write it up is up to you. These would all be expansions of the dialogue and add to the story, which would make the map more a part of the story. Again these are all just suggestions like my reports and I hope they help.
As I understand it you are new to the Foundry and in that case I have to say great job!
Thanks for authoring and keep up the great work.
Brian
Klingon Mission - Federation Spies
Author: Mignarde
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HCOWQGQM4
Report Start
Summary: This is a glorious combat oriented mission with nice map designs, tough battles and well written story dialogue. I would recommend this mission to other Klingon players who like tough and glorious combat oriented mission. There are a few places you need to work on the dialogue but overall it was a good mission and fun to play.
Since you are new to the Foundry I have one minor suggestion for your map naming convention. By default when you copy a map it keeps the name and adds a number to the end to keep track of the maps. During the authoring process it is understandable why you would keep the numbers assigned to the maps with the same name. It helps while you go from map to map to bring the mission together. Once you are ready for publishing you should remove those numbers and leave the map names as they are. The Foundry allows a multitude of maps to all have the same name. When playing the mission the player does not care how many times this map name has been used as long as it serves a purpose to the mission.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a short description but not too far off. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding a little more story without giving away the plot to draw the player in and make us want to click 'Hail'.
-Consider adding the start point for your first custom map.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is okay but as with the description there is nothing to draw you in and make you want to click 'Accept'. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: Entry prompt appears to be a repeat of the entry button. Consider changing the prompt dialogue to something other than a repeat of the prompt button.
MAPS:
Qo'noS: First City (Cryptic Map): This is a good use of the Cryptic map and resources. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Orion Bartender dialogue; consider changing the response button "Good thing I've tipped you, right" to read "Good thing I tipped you".
Back Room: This is a nice simple map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Lorena Darclyffe dialogue; consider changing the response button "The Starfleet Watch, what is it" to read "Never heard of it".
-The House of J'mpok Political Aide dialogue; consider changing "You will verify that every fact reported in these datas is real" to read "Verify the accuracy of this Federation spies report".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Are you ready to approach the U.S.S. Leeta last location at the given coordinates" to read "Shall I plot a course to the U.S.S. Leeta's last known coordinates".
Consider changing the response button "Head to VZA-4001 to read "Plot a course and engage as soon as we are aboard".
VAZ-4001: This is a good map design with several tough but glorious battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing the response button "Then let's not disappoint the Chancellor J'mpok" to read "We do not want to keep the chancellor waiting. Plot an intercept course".
-The report on U.S.S. Leeta dialogue; consider changing "great deal of efforts" to read "great deal of effort".
-The report on O.S.S. Uktas dialogue; consider changing the response button "So, that is conform to what the Vulcan transmitted us" to read "So, this matches the information we received from the Vulcan".
-The report of O.S.S. Namtak dialogue; consider changing "mentioned in Lorena's Darclyffe reports" to read "mentioned in the Vulcan's report".
-The Inbound communication from Qo'Nos dialogue; consider changing "Qo'Nos" to read "Qo'noS".
-The Inbound communication from Qo'Nos dialogue; consider changing "has taken these information" to read "has taken the information you sent".
-The Military report dialogue; consider changing the response button "is not mine to take" to read "is not mine to make".
-The Incoming transmission dialogue; consider changing "The house of J'mok is contacting us Sir" to read "The house of J'mpok is contacting us sir".
O.S.S. Namtak: This is a nice map design with tough but glorious battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing the response button "Then let's not lose time and scan this door" to read "Lets scan the door".
-The clues task is pointless and adds nothing to the story. Consider removing it and going straight to the dialogue regarding blowing the door then onto the dialogue with Syrana.
-The Syrana dialogue; consider changing "I'm at the mess" to read "I'm in the mess".
-Consider changing "The rest is with use at the mess" to read "The rest are with me in the mess".
-After opening the door there is a panel across the hall to ask for reinforcements. The panel button says "Interact" consider changing it to read "Call for reinforcements". Also make this optional dialogue disappear after the player interacts with it.
-The Contact Syrana dialogue; consider changing "other Breen party aboard" to read "other Breen aboard".
-The Syrana dialogue; consider changing "We have been rescued when the O.S.S. Uktas has been attacked" to read "We'd been rescued by the O.S.S. Uktas when they were attacked".
-The sentence starting with "Their ship has been damaged" is a run on sentence and switches between present tense and past tense. It needs to be rewritten.
VAZ-4001#2: This map has no battles or dialogue other than the map transfer dialogue and therefore serves no purpose to the mission. Consider removing it and changing the map transfer dialogue on the previous map to tell the player they are being beamed directly to the planet.
DefericknRoll Festival: This is a good map design with a good start to the story dialogue but needs a little more detail. Consider adding more detailed story dialogue about the attack and the Undine. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name to read "Deferi Rock n Roll Festival".
-The Sound Engineer dialogue; consider changing "An horrible creature attacked us" to read "A horrible creature attacked us".
-Consider changing "I've been lucky to trip" to read "It was a good thing I tripped"
Communications Center: This is a good map design with a glorious battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the animation for "Extinguish the fire" to "Pointing" animation and add the "Extinguisher" effect. You can set the time frame to short. It would look better than waving hands in the air.
-The Engineering report dialogue; consider changing "Let's beam us back" to read "We should beam up immediately".
VAZ-4001#3: This is a nice map design with several very tough and glorious battles. The story dialogue was well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The enemy mobs are very tough and practically right on top of each other. I like a challenging and glorious battle but having the enemy mobs so close together makes it very difficult to win. Consider spreading the enemy out a little more and having the assisting ships appear in the middle of or right next to the fighting.
-The Explanations dialogue; consider changing the response button "You owe me explanations" to read "You owe me an explanation".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and I would like to see more Klingon missions in my queue. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 11/28/2014 on forum posting for: [KDF]Federation Spies.
The Winter of Discontent
ST-HGI4VS2ZD
Fed mission
Level 35+
"A secret distress call unveils a crisis on Andoria, the uprising of a dangerous cult is bringing with it a terror that threatens to destroy the Andorians but will it stop there? Do you break the Prime Directive in order to save it?
Missions features heavy combat both ground and space as well as branching dialogue.
Single player only to avoid spawns messing up."
Hi nrobbiec,
Thank you for the submission of your mission to the queue. You are currently 8th in the queue behind Lordarathron. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - Scars of the Pride, Part 4: Evolution of Evil
Author: ashkrik23
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HPRP643YZ
Report Start
Summary: This is good installment and wrap up to this portion of the mission. Your map designs are good, the battles are extremely tough and the story dialogue is excellent. I would recommend this mission and the series to all players although not on Elite or Advanced levels. The combat on most maps was difficult enough on Normal level.
As I have mentioned in some of the other reviews for this series the battles were extremely tough mostly on the space maps. The ground maps seemed a little more balanced despite being pretty tough. On the space maps some of the battles were tough but fun and then suddenly became extremely tough. To be clear I define extremely tough as any battle requiring several respawns in order to destroy them a single enemy unit. There were quite a few of these in this mission. Part of the problem was when the enemy ships appeared they were right on top of the player. So if you had three enemy mobs for the player to deal with they were all within engagement range of the player. When you had assistance they did not last very long and the player was left to battle the enemy alone. On two of the maps there were no apparent respawn points at all. The lack of respawn points is part of the issue. A mission that requires the player to respawn several times in order to win the battle is less of a challenge and more of an annoyance. There is nothing wrong with a combat mission or in your case a story driven combat mission. Those missions can be fun but only if the battles are better balanced.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good detailed description. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "the planet of Bajor" to read "the planet Bajor"
-Consider changing "to hold off till" to read "hold off until".
-Consider changing the information regarding reporting to the Lateri system to [MissionInfo] dialogue so it stands out in description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Deep Space Nine Orbit: This is a nice map design with some extremely tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-There are several very powerful enemy ships on this map. Some of the battles were well balanced and a nice challenge but the enemy towards the end of the map were way over powered. I will note the maps where this is an issue and cover it in my summary above.
Deep Space Nine Interior: This is a good map design with some tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Bajor System Space: This is a good map design with some extremely tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Trying to Establish Orbit dialogue; consider changing "every starship in the federation" to read "every starship in the Federation".
-There are several very powerful enemy ships on this map.
-No respawn point. Consider adding a respawn point deeper into the map.
Bajor, City of Hathon, Under Siege: This is a good map design with a couple of extremely tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-There is a powerful enemy mob at the end of the map which is accompanied by other supporting enemy mobs. It is a bit too much.
Hathon Cave: This is a good map design with some tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Bajor System Space, Attack of the Planet Killers: This is a good map design with some extremely tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are several very powerful enemy ships on this map.
-No respawn point. Consider adding a respawn point deeper into the map at each heavy combat point.
Bajor, City of Hathon, Abandoned: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and the series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 12/03/2014 on forum posting for: Ashkrik23's foundry missions.
Federation Mission - Beckon Me Unto Beacons
Author: velocitore
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HKB8BWMWF
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission with a nice little twist in the story. The map designs are good, the battles are balanced and the story dialogue is well written. I would highly recommend this mission to other players who like a good story combined with fun and balanced combat. Consider adding a forum posting for all of your missions to help advertise them.
On both maps I mention the use of lower case spelling of "Federation" and in one instance "Starfleet". In both cases the proper use for each would be capitalization for each use. If it were referring to a specific form government and not the actual government then lower case would be acceptable. The Federation is referring to a specific organization vice just a form of government and therefore would be capitalized.
I suggest the use of "Captain" vice "[Rank]" in most missions now because it allows you to create dialogue that is rank and gender neutral. The rank neutral point is mainly used in missions where an NPC may have positional authority despite the player's actual rank. This does not really occur in your mission until the end when the player is addressed by your Admiral Velocitore dialogue. For the rest it works in a gender neutral way but also the rank of a ship captain is the whole reason to be in Starfleet regardless of your actual rank. I think it sounds better from a story point of view too. Along these lines I recommend you spell out the rank of "Captain" vice using the abbreviation version "Capt." in the dialogue. It would be okay to use as a label for the dialogue but not in the actual dialogue. In addition you switch between its uses in your own dialogue referring to Captain Takarnack in both ways. I suggest uniformity of usage for this issue.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The initial part of the description is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding the start location for the first custom map to the description as [MissionInfo] dialogue.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Cernan System: This is a good map design with balanced, fun combat and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I noted at least one comment that stated "audio in space had gulls" which I was not sure what they meant until I played the mission. There is a sound of sea gulls in the background noise. Either you have picked a background that has an ocean setting in it or there is an object being used on the map that has that sound associated with it. Consider checking the map for the cause of this sound and change or remove it.
-It seems odd that we would proceed into the system before conducting the initial scan. Consider placing the initial "Scan system" task right at the spawn point.
-In the dialogue consider changing the use of "[Rank]" to "Captain" so as to remain rank and gender neutral when dealing with NPCs in the mission.
-The Science Officer dialogue; consider changing the response button "Can you lay in a course to the nearest" to read "Lay in a course to the closets beacon". The player response needs to be more of an order rather than a request.
-The Elsewhere in the system dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]Capt. Renolds[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Captain Renolds[/OOC]".
-Consider changing all uses of the response button "Continue" to " " as this works even when the player is just listening.
-Consider changing "A federation Starship" to read "A Federation starship".
-The Tactical Officer dialogue; consider changing "a federation transport" to read "a Federation transport".
-It makes more sense for the player to be concerned over the safety and well being of the transport vice the beacon. Consider adding post combat dialogue where the player initially checks the status of the transport vessel. The player completes the "Return to Beacon Alpha" and "Send Away Team" tasks then "Rendezvous with transport" task.
-The Comm transmission from UFP-2156 dialogue; consider changing "where the federation would find it" to read "where the Federation would find it".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "where Capt. Renolds and" to read "where Captain Renolds and".
Beacon Gamma: This is a good map design with balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-In the dialogue consider changing the use of "[Rank]" to "Captain" so as to remain rank and gender neutral when dealing with NPCs in the mission. I will cover this in my summary above.
-The Slazzik dialogue; consider changing "The Data Files are encoded" to read "The data files are encoded".
-The Meanwhile in Space dialogue feels out of place. If this was supposed to be dialogue of the Klingon security forces the away team encounters after the dialogue then it needs to be written as if it is coming from them. If you are going to keep it consider changing it to be something the player's ship picked up in communications and relayed it. This can be done by inserting a dialogue box before the dialogue from the ship alerting the player to the approaching Klingon force. It can then be ended by the player responding "Looks like we are going to have company" or something along those lines.
-Consider changing "Targ federation wimps" to read "Targ Federation wimps". I will cover this in my summary above.
-The use of "Capt" vice "Captain" in all dialogue. I will cover this in my summary above.
-Consider removing the "Wandering" setting on the NPC Taleria. Once a player starts dialogue with the NPC if she is set to wander she will do it and the dialogue will close if she goes out of range of the player. NPCs that the player is required to interact with should be stationary.
-The Taleria dialogue; consider changing the response button "Your so helpful" to read "You're so helpful".
-The Scan Results dialogue; consider changing "women of starfleet" to read "women of Starfleet".
-The post Scan Crate Taleria dialogue; consider changing the response button "Your so helpful" to read "You're so helpful".
-Consider changing the "Dahar Master" in the final assault group to be "Captain Takarnack".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Mission Name: Mirror Uprising
Author:dean962
Minimum Level: 31+
Faction: Federation
ID: ST-HMUCH82GE
Estimated Length: 30 min or longer
I intend this to be the first of a 3 part series. I hope you'll like it.
Thanks for reviewing the mission. I will take your suggestions into consideration when I update the mission. Your feedback is very helpful and I appreciate it greatly.
Thanks,
Velocitore
Hi Dean,
Welcome to the queue. Your mission is currently 7th in the queue behind nrobbiec. I will get to your mission just as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi Velocitore,
I am glad to be able to help in any way I can. Your mission was a lot of fun and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Mission Names: Requiem for a Dream (1/2) [and] Requiem for a Dream (2/2)
Author: @11001001_v2.0
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID's: ST-HBZMTCLGL [and] ST-HE6X3N2VQ
Estimated Mission Length: under 45 min for each
Hi locutusofcactus,
Welcome to the queue. Your missions are 8 and 9 in the queue behind velocitore. I will get to your missions as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - The Haunting Returns
Author: Theatrrap
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HK9WTTOPM
Report Start
Summary: This is a good combat oriented story mission with nice map designs, challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I would recommend this mission to other players even at the Advanced or Elite levels. You should consider creating a forum posting for your missions. It is good to get them out there so a player can find it easier.
There are a couple of places I discuss triggers below. Using triggers, both storyline and map ones, is a good way to make events happen that match the dialogue. The example I use on the Harry Kim Nebula map is one that really needs a rework for the triggered events. It seems that they some events are triggered based on a storyline dialogue trigger. Unfortunately the dialogue is usually discussing the event or element of the story after it has already appeared. This can be fixed simply by splitting up the dialogue rather than having it all in one. What this means is using the dialogue up to the point on the storyline where the object is to appear or an event takes place. Then place the object or event on the storyline and follow it with the dialogue regarding it. You can also use triggered objects or events on the map with a location and supporting dialogue on the storyline. What this means is the location where an object is to be placed or an event is to occur would be part of the storyline. Once the player arrives at the location and the dialogue, if any is completed, an interactive button appears. For example "Transport Emitter" would be the button. When the player clicks the button the object appears.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: Your description starts off with a good base discussing Janeway and the Voyager but it becomes a little too vague. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding a little more story that will draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button
-Consider adding the start location to the description as [MissionInfo] dialogue. This will make it easier for the player to locate and start the mission. For example; [MissionInfo]Console located on main concourse under Transporter Room[/MissionInfo]
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good story based dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The location of the console needs to be clearly stated. You want the player to find and start your mission rather than running around trying to locate "one of the consoles" to start. For example; [MissionInfo]Console located on main concourse under Transporter Room[/MissionInfo]
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Janeway Nebula: This is a nice map design with challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-In the initial dialogue with the alien consider switching the order of the dialogue so the player is not ignoring the alien entity to ask the Science BOFF if there is a ship. When the signal becomes clearer then the player would ask the BOFF if there is a ship. Once the player opens the channel they should talk to the alien.
-Consider changing "no ships in the vacinity" to read "no ships in the vicinity".
-When the nebula destabilizes consider using the "States" tab on the object to make it disappear. You could also change it to another lighter nebula that looks different from the initial one.
Crandon Nebula: This is a nice map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding initial dialogue announcing the arrival at the new nebula. Include a little information about the nebula and the need to close in and scan it.
-The post Defeat the Borg dialogue; consider changing "Borg ships closing in on this negula" to read "Borg ships closing in on this nebula".
Tronlick Nebula: This is a good map design with challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Harry Kim Nebula: This is a good map design with challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-During the Emitter deployment tasks they appear as soon as the dialogue is triggered. Consider setting up each emitter so the player must click an interact button to deploy them. Only the dialogue and location of the emitter would need to be on the storyline. The placing of the emitter would be an interact button that is triggered by an objective being completed. The player clicks the interact button and the emitter appears.
-There are several large Borg ships present following the Contact the Entity objective. Considering that throughout the mission the largest ship we fought was a sphere you may want to reduce the total number and size of the Borg that appear. At the most no more than 1 Borg cube should show up and the rest would be probes and spheres to make more sense.
-The three tasks to "Explore" the shield faces seems repetitive and unnecessary. Consider reducing them to no more than one. The ship should be able to scan each from a single location.
For some of the appearance and disappearance of the Borg you can make them appear by separating the dialogue on the storyline. For example at the end when the Borg threaten to return the ships are already gone. You could change this by making the dialogue with the Borg make their threats and the Science BOFF who states "The Borg are leaving sir".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job with the development of this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Mission Name: A Murder on Vulcan
Author: @spankminister
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID's: ST-HGZQZC6NK
Estimated Mission Length: Around 30 minutes
Mostly story, very light combat. The setup is that the player has been asked to travel to Vulcan so that their Chief Engineer can present at the Academy during an academic symposium. That ends up being a cover story, as we soon find out, and the real plot unfolds: one of the scientists is a sleeper agent. Designed as a whodunit sort of mystery.
Hi Spankminister,
Welcome to the queue. Your mission is currently 9th in the queue behind 11001001_v2.0. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - Time's Razor
Author: Captainazzarano
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HTZ2LKMWJ
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission with well designed maps, fun battles and well written story dialogue. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players. It was an enjoyable story with a nice twist at the end. Well done.
I mention the use of weather starstreaks below on a couple of the space maps. This is a fairly common issue I have found on many missions in the past. In general I believe the Weather Starstreaks West East 01 effect is better than the Weather Starstreaks North South 01 effect. This is mainly due to the effect itself. The Weather Starstreaks North South 01 effect works if you are traveling at full impulse, otherwise it does not look that good. This becomes especially true if you are traveling south using this effect. That is why I usually recommend the other effect. The other issue you had was the alignment of the player when warp was engaged. If the player does not hit the exact spot you intended for the effect to become active it will look off or the player may not be in the effect at all. In one instance I was clearly below the effect when it engaged. Now, how to fix this? Recently I have been using the method of moving objects closer or when using warp making objects disappear and appear with the player never moving. Of course this would only work if you are not engaging in a fight during the map, which is the case in your mission. So it might be something to consider using for your maps.
The clear definition of tasks on a given map is the key to making the map and therefore the mission enjoyable. On two of your ground maps you have tasks that must be completed before the player can advance to the next task. While the maze on the "Elysia Sewer System" map is a nice twist the lack of clearly defined locations for certain tasks was annoying. For example the "Find the Maintenance Door" and "Find a Way Out" tasks did not show on the map. Each one had to be triggered before the other would show. I was able to get the general area using a scan but it would have been easy to miss the location of the "Find a Way Out" task on that map. The addition of the fog throughout that map also made it more annoying rather than a challenge. Consider making the fog disappear after they complete the "Find a Way Out" task. You can add some dialogue regarding the opening of the door sucking out all the fumes or something along those lines. The other map was the "Elysia" map. There were plenty of NPC Triggered dialogue but until the player found the "Scan the Panel" on the wall nothing else was visible. You should consider making the task the player needs to find clearly visible on the mini map as a task. If you want the player to explorer the area then add those items as tasks to be completed in the larger "Explore the Colony" task. Just be careful to make the other elements a good part of the overall story.
One last thing I mentioned below is the use of Captain [LastName]" vice "[Rank] [LastName]". There was at least one place in your maps dialogue where you switched between the uses of the two options albeit not the same window. In the story the player's rank is usually not a factor and can be awkward when they actually out rank the NPC they may be in charge of the situation. That was not necessarily the case in your mission but it allows you to create dialogue that is rank and gender neutral. Yes it is also a rank the player can obtain but being a starship Captain is where the real power of command lay and therefore more than just a rank.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the "Mission Start" information to [MissionInfo] dialogue so that it stands out in the text.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is well written grant and follow on dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the initial grant dialogue from [MissionInfo] to plain text.
-Consider changing the "Mission Start" information to [MissionInfo] dialogue vice [OOC].
-Consider changing "[Rank] [LastName]" to read "Captain [LastName]. I will cover this in more detail in my summary above.
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Polaris: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of "[Rank] [LastName]" vice "Captain [LastName]" was done on the initial dialogue but the same BOFF refers to the player as Captain in later dialogue. This will be part of the discussion indicated in the summary above.
???: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Even though sir is a sign of respect consider changing dialogue "sir" to read "Captain" as that is the position of the player and would less gender specific.
-If you are going to use the warp streaks then consider changing your map orientation to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space then the "Weather Starstreaks North South 01" regardless of the players speed. The other issue is player alignment to the right angle and altitude when the warp starts it looks odd. Perhaps remove the warp streaks altogether and have the player warp directly to that part of the system when they engage the warp. I will discuss this in more detail in my summary above.
-The Orbit & Scan Unknown V task location is not clearly defined on the map. I was able to find it as I understood the 45 degree angle given but not every player would understand it. Consider using a place marker or other object that provides a location on the mini map for the player to proceed to.
-The post Orbit & Scan Unknown V dialogue; consider changing "heavily damaged after we when through the subspace distortion" to read "heavily damaged after we went through the subspace distortion".
Colony: This is a good map design with some fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-At the end of the Talk to the Elders task the three buttons that appear all say "Interact" consider changing them to "Speak with " whomever the button has them speak with.
-Consider placing all the Elders closer together at the meeting location. It appears strange when they speak but are farther away.
-Consider looking at the map on High Detail. I play my missions on High Detail and there are a lot of plants that end up blocking some of the elements you have placed on the map.
Unknown System: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of warp streaks and movement on the map are the same as previously discussed on the "???" map. I will discuss this in more detail in my summary above.
Elysia Sewer System: This is a nice map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-This map needs clearly defined tasks, which means a clear location on the mini map. I will discuss this in my summary above.
Elysia: This is a very good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-This map needs clearly defined tasks, which means a clear location on the mini map.
-The use of optional dialogue vice triggered dialogue. Along with clearly defined mission tasks needing to be placed on this map the use of triggered dialogue may be a better option rather than NPC triggered. The optional triggered dialogue goes away after the player interacts. The NPC triggered dialogue does not.
-You had a couple of "Interact" buttons vice actual indication of what the player was doing. I noted it on the phaser in the armory and in the library. Interact is a default for a button that has not been defined. Consider checking all interactions to ensure the buttons are clearly defined.
-Consider replacing all the chairs in the court room with benches. It would look better than the chairs you are currently using.
Security & Maintanence Level: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name to read "Security & Maintenance Level" vice the current spelling of Maintenance as indicated in the map name above.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work and this series in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 12/19/2014 on forum posting for: Time's Razor - ST:Odyssey S1:E6.
Federation Mission - The Caitian Gambit part 1 of 2
Author: helixfungus
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HERZBK76Z
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission and a nice tribute to the TOS movie. The map designs are pretty well done; the battles are fine and the story dialogue works well despite needing some refinement. Despite needing a little work here and there I would still recommend this mission to other players.
The main issue with the dialogue was punctuation usage. In almost every dialogue window you had " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points. They just do not go together. If it is a pause or interruption then use " " in the dialogue. If it is a question of exclamation then use one of those characters alone. Another issue with almost all the dialogue and response buttons was a space between the dialogue and punctuation. When you add those issues with random carriage returns in the middle of dialogue sentences it becomes a distraction from the story and mission. Consider going over the entire mission dialogue and response buttons to correct these issues.
There were some issues with map design involving the insertion of steps. While I like the use of space on the maps the alignment of the steps was a bit of a distraction. This is most likely caused but the "Snap to grid" feature being turned on in the map design. You can deselect this feature by clicking on the grid pattern at the top of the map design window. That feature is selected by default and must be turned off each time you edit the foundry mission. This gives you the ability to more precisely align the objects on maps. The other issue regarding consistency was on the U.S.S. Constitution - Conference Room map you have the step go up to the rail but then nothing on the other side. To make it look better you should add steps on the other side of the railing. It would look better during the play.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description needs to be more about the mission and what it is about. You goal is to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the Entry info to [MissionInfo] dialogue so it will stand out in the description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is okay but needs a work. This entire dialogue feels more like informational rather than urgent and needs to be rewritten. Your goal here is to make the player want to click the 'Accept' button and there is nothing in the current write up that does that. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Greetings, [Rank]" to read "Captain we have received a distress call from the U.S.S. Constitution in the Kei system". Then strike the second line starting with "There is a distress call".
-Consider changing the entire sentence that starts with "One of our ships" to read "The U.S.S. Constitution is under attack and needs immediate assistance". The crew being made up of a single race is irrelevant to this part of the mission.
-Consider removing the entire sentence that starts with "It's not the first time" as it has nothing to do with the ships current status.
-Put a space in between "forces." and "Admiral".
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: The prompt for the mission needs work on the use of punctuation. You have a space after the word "Sir" and the exclamation point.
MAPS:
Kei Star System: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "What would this be ?" in a response button or dialogue. It is quite extensive on this map.
-Consider changing "is't an old wild Ferasan" to read "It's an old wild Ferasan".
-Check dialogue for use of seemingly random carriage returns in the middle of a sentence. I noted it in a couple of places on this map.
-There were a couple of fights where the Constitution seemed to become more than one ship. It looked like there were two ships as it separated into a saucer and main section that did not match the design of the original ship. Consider checking the ship you have skinned as the Constitution.
U.S.S. Constitution Interior: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the initial task "Give an hand" to read "Give a hand".
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "every mode but stun !" in a response button or dialogue. It is quite extensive on this map.
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-Consider changing the NPC Optional dialogue triggered dialogue using an invisible object. That way the dialogue will disappear after the player interacts with it.
U.S.S. Constitution - Conference Room: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "is that so ?" in a response button or dialogue. It is quite extensive on this map.
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-This is more of a plot observation. In both the description and grant dialogue you indicate the entire crew of the Constitution is Caitian yet on this map you have both Reman and Orion females. Additionally both the Reman and Orion females are missing their legs. I suspect this is because Cryptic did not map legs for the costumes you chose for each NPC. Consider changing them or removing them for consistency to the story.
-The Caitian and Reman attraction tasks do not appear to serve any purpose in the story or mission. Consider removing those two tasks.
-The steps you designed to go up to the other level are good but they need to be aligned more evenly. When traversing them I kept getting stuck and had to jump on each one. Additionally you should have steps down on the other side of the rail for consistency. It appears that when you were setting the steps up you had the "Snap to grid" turned on in the map design. I will discuss this in my summary above.
Intruder Intercept - Inside the Nebula: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "Let's go ahead !" in a response button or dialogue. It is quite extensive on this map.
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-There is dialogue were the Science BOFF refers to two or more ships that confronted the player, however the battle only had one enemy ship the player had to battle. Consider reviewing the combat and rewriting the dialogue to remove reference to multiple enemy ships.
-There were a couple of fights where the Constitution seemed to become more than one ship. It looked like there were two ships as it separated into a saucer and main section that did not match the design of the original ship. Consider checking the ship you have skinned as the Constitution.
-Check dialogue for use of seemingly random carriage returns in the middle of a sentence. I noted it in a couple of places on this map.
U.S.S. Vagrant Interior: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "what do you make of it ?" in a response button or dialogue. It is quite extensive on this map.
-The steps you designed to go up to the other level are good but they need to be aligned more evenly. When traversing them I got stuck on one or two of them.
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-The trigger for the "Technological Miracles Happens Sometimes" task is visible sticking out of the console. Consider adding a console that would blend with the existing one for the map or use an invisible object as the trigger.
T'rigger interior: This is a very good map design with well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "Commander ?" in a response button or dialogue. It is quite extensive on this map.
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-The appearance of R'riala happens after she begins speaking. Consider having her appear after the "To touch the Creator" task is completed.
-Consider changing the task "What do T'Rigger wants" to read "What does T'Rigger want".
-The map name is "T'rigger interior" yet the tasks and dialogue refer to the invader as "T'Rigger". Consider updating the tasks to be in line with the dialogue spelling of T'Rigger.
Cait Proximity: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "let's split up, shall we ?" in a response button or dialogue. It is quite extensive on this map.
-Check dialogue for use of seemingly random carriage returns in the middle of a sentence. I noted it in a couple of places on this map.
-There was a fight where the Constitution seemed to become more than one ship. It is also possible you have a fighting version appear and the other non fighting one remains. Consider checking the ship you have skinned as the Constitution and if you have combat versions of the ship appearing.
U.S.S. Constitution Interior: This is a very good map design with well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "Sir !" in a response button or dialogue. It is quite extensive on this map.
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-During the "Doctor doctor" task Admiral Chip has dialogue as if his character is present in the transporter room but he is not. Consider having the character appear when the task is in progress.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a nice job designing this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing the next in the series and more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 12/20/2014 on forum posting for: NEW MISSION: The Caitian Gambit - Part 1 of 2
For anything else... let me expose my side of the story.
The reman and orion women were there for relief purposes, I can understand some ppl do not like the approach thing - at the same time I know other ppl who does like them anyway, so I think that won't change them. For the sake of the story, they are there because they are passengers as Fed guests - in a Fed ship with a full Caitian crew.
The steps that are in the final part of the map--- the snap to grid is not relevant here , the height valor of each step does. Every player has its edge with hardships during plays, but one I sincerely define as minor is to jump to climb some steps, I mean, it's not like you can't move anymore, you can jump eventually...
I tried to configure the state of "R'Riala" in the T'Rigger interior map, but I found that I can raise her only with "Current Objective" setting, because the NPC is part of story events.
I skinned the Constitution's combat group with a Constitution class vessel and its shuttles, it's should be ok now. And I will check the states of the non-combat Constitution.
Thanks again for the playthrough AND for the revvie, I consider it a valid resource to improve my mission.
Here are few more of my thoughts on this mission.
I would imagine it is never easy publishing in your nonnative language. For me, I would be unable to publish in any other language, although I am able to ask where the bathroom is and order beer in six languages but that would not make for a good mission.
In my mission reviews spelling and grammar are only a part of what I look at. The only issue you had apart from one or two spelling errors was the punctuation. Overall, your entire mission dialogue was intriguing and kept me interested. The only thing you need to correct is your use of punctuation. Most of those are spaces between the end of a sentence and exclamation points or question marks. If you remove those spaces it will read properly and the problem is solved. The other issue with punctuation is your use of three periods in conjunction with exclamation points or question marks. This is an issue because three periods usually denotes a pause or interruption of the dialogue. I have seen it used to link dialogue with a pause such as "Captain this is awkward at best" or something similar. The exclamation point would be for surprise, alarm or anger and a question mark is exactly what it implies.
I mentioned your use of the Reman and Orion women for two reasons. The first is because you state specifically in the description, grant and other dialogue leading up to the "U.S.S. Constitution - Conference Room" map that it is an all Caitian crew on the ship. Based on your lead up to this point the player would have no reason to expect to see anything other than Caitian crew there. While some players may like the presence of those NPCs the question you need to ask is, do they really need to be an objective in the mission story. The dialogue the player receives when they have to interact with them, because of they are part of the mission storyline, serves no purpose in the story. You can keep them for those players that like the diversion during the mission but I would suggest removing them from the storyline. If they are part of the storyline the player has to interact with them in order to continue the mission. The second reason was both NPCs legs are missing, which is most likely because the legs for that outfit are not properly mapped in the game. That is not something you can correct but it should be reported as a graphic bug. Until it is fixed I would suggest you change the outfits they are wearing.
Another element that I look at when I review a mission is how it looks during play. Your usage of the upper level on that map is good but as I indicated in my review the steps going up to that level looked uneven. When I approached them I had to jump to the next step a couple of times in order to traverse the steps. Upon testing in the Foundry I noted that if snap to grid is set then the minimum Y setting appears to be .6089 meters. Based on my testing I would suggest you deselect snap to grid and then use the Y setting of .25 meters per step. That would be a Y setting of .25 for the first, .5 for the second, .75 for the third and so on. This makes a nice even step that looks clean and the player will have no problem with.
In at least one of the battles the Constitution became a Prometheus class starship with the separate saucer and main drive sections.
As always, I am happy to offer advice on how I feel authors can improve a mission. It is my goal to help authors with my reviews. Thanks for authoring and keep up the good work.
Brian
Federation Mission - The Caitian Gambit part 2 of 2
Author: helixfungus
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HJLTFLCAY
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission and nice wrap up to the series. Your map designs are very well done, the battles are not difficult but not too easy either. The dialogue is well written despite needing a few tweaks here and there as I indicated below. Considering, as you said, English is not your native language you did quite well. I would definitely recommend this mission and the series to other players.
Normally I would use this area to discuss some of the issues I found in your mission. The previous review covered those issues quite well considering they are basically the same. This time I wanted to say congratulations on your map design, particularly with the follow NPC ships and combat support on your space maps. The patrol legs you set for these ships were very well setup and executed. It definitely added to the overall mission play and style you used in designing the maps. Well done!
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This description is good but needs a little more story to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the Entry point info to [MissionInfo] dialogue so it will stand out in the description.
-Consider changing the information that is separate from the description to [OOC] dialogue so both the description and notes will stand out.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This grant dialogue is good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this task.
MAPS:
Cait Proximity: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue that needs a little work. You did an excellent job setting up the "Follow" the NPC ship task. It looked great and performed well during the mission play. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "Can I speak with Admiral Chip now ?" in a response button or dialogue. It is quite extensive on this map.
Sura Orbital Outpost Interior: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "is it right ?" in a response button or dialogue.
-Consider removing movement of any NPCs that have optional or required dialogue. If the player starts to read the dialogue and the NPC walks away the dialogue disappears and the player must start over.
Sura Ground, High Security Detention Facility: This is a good map design with fun, balanced, optional battles and well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "at the outer entrance ?We will wait" in a response button or dialogue.
-The first optional combat appears to be re-skinned Tholians. Consider changing them to Orions or something other than Tholians.
U.S.S. Constitution - Middeck 12: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue that needs a little work. The method you use to transfer us from the transporter deck to sickbay was well done but be careful the player does not lose the away team. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-The Inquisitor Nokaa dialogue; consider changing the response button "that some exterior forces is involved ?" to read "that some exterior forces are involved?"
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "to take back his command seat !" in a response button or dialogue.
-The issue with the apparent "Glitch in the map code" may mean you need to rebuild using a different map. You can also move objects around and see if perhaps a different floor would work.
DS9 Interior: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "Where is Captain Kurland ?" in a response button or dialogue.
-The triggered interaction for the Quarks bar notice reads "Interact" which is the default entry. Consider the button to read "Read notice on Quarks bar" or something along those lines.
DS9 Proximity - B'Hava'el System: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue that needs a little work. You did a great job setting up and executing the "Follow" the NPC ship task. It looked great and performed well during the mission play. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-The Acting Captain M'Vara Chip dialogue; consider changing the response button "Did Detor gave us what he promised ?" to read "Did Detor give us what he promised?".
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "It's deep in the Badlands !" in a response button or dialogue.
The Badlands: This is a good map design with fun optional battles and well written story dialogue that needs a little work. The way you setup the U.S.S. Constitution patrol pattern so it moved in support of the battles was outstanding. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-The Acting Captain M'Vara Chip dialogue; consider changing the response button "M'Vara, don't lower sharpness right now !" to read "M'Vara, don't get cocky!".
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "You are a good captain !" in a response button or dialogue.
Rodo's Link Planet surface: This is a good map design with fun optional battles and well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I am not aware of any EVA suits that you can provide to your BOFFs that will work in the lack of atmosphere environment you provided on the planet.
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "Good job !" in a response button or dialogue.
U.S.S. Constitution - Bridge: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue that needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Acting Captain M'Vara Chip dialogue; consider changing "Welcome on our ship !" to read "Welcome aboard!"
-Consider changing the response button "what has changed your mind ?" to read "what has changed your mind?"
-The use of " " in conjunction with question marks or exclamation points in both dialogue and response button is quite extensive.
-Check all dialogue for use of punctuation with spaces in between the word and the punctuation. For example "Good job !" in a response button or dialogue.
-The Admiral Bim Chip dialogue; consider changing the response button "Yeah, the lesser persons knew, the better" to read "Yeah, the less people who knew, the better".
-Consider changing the response button "I really prefer to be informed" to read "I really would rather have known".
-The Activate the Weapon's console task interaction button reads "Interact" which is the default entry. Consider the button to read "Access weapons control" or something along those lines.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and the series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 12/22/2014 on forum posting for: NEW MISSION: The Caitian Gambit - Part 2 of 2