Thank you very much for your review Evil70th, I'll make the suggested changes this weekend. One thing to note though is the Mirror Universe ship is actually a product of the Tholian mobs, some spawn a mirror portal and mirror ship when they are destroyed.
I thought I had fixed the problem with the cube dieing by making the Tholian mobs weaker, but I seem to have been wrong. I'll have to rework that scene a bit i think, maybe put it in its own seperate battle with weak Tholians, leaving the cruisers to the player alone.
Thank you very much for your review Evil70th, I'll make the suggested changes this weekend. One thing to note though is the Mirror Universe ship is actually a product of the Tholian mobs, some spawn a mirror portal and mirror ship when they are destroyed.
I thought I had fixed the problem with the cube dieing by making the Tholian mobs weaker, but I seem to have been wrong. I'll have to rework that scene a bit i think, maybe put it in its own seperate battle with weak Tholians, leaving the cruisers to the player alone.
Thanks again!
Hi Mark,
As always I am glad I could help. I did not know that about the Mirror ship and Tholians. Sounds like a glitch that should be fixed eventually although I'll bet it would not be a priority.
That may be the answer although I would not make the Tholians the player faces that much harder since the player basically faces them alone. In the case you are describing that would be even more the case.
Federation Mission - The Captain Is Never Told
Author: darmantj
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HTHP420M3
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission with good map designs, challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. With the enemy mobs that the player must engage your mission is at least an hour vice 35 minutes but is still worth playing. I would recommend this mission to other players. Consider creating a forum posting to advertise your missions.
...
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Thank you so much for a review like that! I appreciate you playing through it and I'm glad you enjoyed it. When I finish episode 2 I will surely let you know.
I don't mind Delta Rising, it's the whiny TRIBBLE I hate.
Hello again,
I'd like to add another mission to the queue if possible. It can be found under the Review tab.
Name: Shattering Ones Mirror Author: Gromio Level: 50+ ID: ST-HCA80SL5R Door: Wolf 359 Allegiance: Starfleet or Romulan Republic Estimated Length: About 1 hour
Description: The Mirror Universe- A place where the greatest of heroes are turned to the worst villains. The powers of the Alpha Quadrant have confirmed that the Terran Empire is crushing their Romulan neighbors. If they succeed, they will have no distraction from taking their full forces into battle against the Prime universe. Everything is on the line now... The question is: Will you answer the call? Will you be able to hold the line? Or will you be left to the ashes of history?
Please Note: Despite rewriting the dialogue for the maps up until the "Romulan Boarder World" four times; I'm still not entirely pleased with the flow. Any advice on improving that would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
Why do I still play and put money into STO?
The Foundry, and my love of Star Trek
Thank you so much for a review like that! I appreciate you playing through it and I'm glad you enjoyed it. When I finish episode 2 I will surely let you know.
Hi darmantj,
Sorry for the late response, but I have been away on vacation in Mexico and then had lots of work to catch up on. As always I am glad I could help and I did enjoy your mission. Keep up the good work and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Hello again,
I'd like to add another mission to the queue if possible. It can be found under the Review tab.
Name: Shattering Ones Mirror Author: Gromio Level: 50+ ID: ST-HCA80SL5R Door: Wolf 359 Allegiance: Starfleet or Romulan Republic Estimated Length: About 1 hour
Description: The Mirror Universe- A place where the greatest of heroes are turned to the worst villains. The powers of the Alpha Quadrant have confirmed that the Terran Empire is crushing their Romulan neighbors. If they succeed, they will have no distraction from taking their full forces into battle against the Prime universe. Everything is on the line now... The question is: Will you answer the call? Will you be able to hold the line? Or will you be left to the ashes of history?
Please Note: Despite rewriting the dialogue for the maps up until the "Romulan Boarder World" four times; I'm still not entirely pleased with the flow. Any advice on improving that would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
Hi zionus0,
Welcome to the queue and sorry for the late reply to your review request. As I mentioned in the previous post, vacation and work have been in the fore front lately. I will do my best to provide you with valuable feedback on your mission, which is currently 5th in the queue behind helixfungus. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
I've just authored my first mission after checking out numerous tutorial videos, and thought I would take you up on your very kind offer of review. That being said, please find my information below, and thank you in advance for your time!
Summary: This is a good combat oriented mission with several tough battles, nice map designs and well written dialogue. I would highly recommend this mission to other players who like a tough combat oriented mission with a well written story. I do read the previous in game reviews and have based some of this review on that feedback. The paragraphs below are not meant to detract from the mission playability since I gave the overall rating of 5 stars. Rather these paragraphs cover items I feel the player could do a little better on and make a mission even better.
While I found no spelling or grammatical errors in the dialogue I felt there could have been more story development. On the FS: Remnants - Bergintalle IV map below you had the opportunity to add to the story by having the player come across artifacts as they proceeded across the map. The player could scan and have reports and discuss what they found with the BOFF at each artifact. This could have been part of the initial patrol on the map rather than a series of Borg battles that become predictable. It could also be added to the overall dialogue and cause the player to seek an explanation from Captain Ford at the end of the map. The single artifact discovered at the end felt odd since the dialogue referred to multiple artifacts being found at the site.
I mention the use of [Rank] in dialogue feeling out of place. Do not get me wrong, there are places where [Rank] works well but others where it just felt out of place. Specifically in the dialogue where the NPC gives orders or direction to the player, especially coming from Captain Ford, directed at the player. There can be positional authority, which in the story Captain Ford fills but when the player out ranks the NPC it just feels odd to me. My suggestion is to exchange [Rank] in the dialogue for Captain. This provides a more likely situation where the player falls under the positional authority of the NPC. In the story I feel it flows better and serves to draw the player in, making them a part of the story rather than just a reader.
One last thing that I wanted to discuss briefly is the use of respawn points and enemy engagements. In combat oriented missions the player generally expects the mission to have several battles on most maps but you need to find the balance when doing this. A key question you need to ask yourself is, do all the battles on this map really add to the story and the mission, or is it just a grinder. The enemy mobs you had on the FS: Remnants - Bergintalle IV map were a good mix from low to higher level enemy but were they actually all needed for the mission. That is the question you have to answer as the author of the mission. Basically, how much is too much? One more item is the use of respawn points on a map. If you have tougher enemy mobs on a map you should add respawn points placed closer to those battle areas. When you have to respawn and then run all the way across the map only to find the enemy back at full strength it can be annoying.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good, detailed description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is pretty straight forward. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Earth Spacedock (Cryptic Map): Nice use of the Cryptic map. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I am not sure the meeting with Captain Ford was necessary. This dialogue could have been a follow on dialogue to the grant dialogue. You would have to rewrite the grant dialogue to lead to this but it would work better as part of that dialogue.
-The use of [Rank] in the dialogue can seem out of place in the dialogue. I will note the maps this occurred on and cover it my summary above.
FS: Remnants - Featalle Area in the Hromi Cluster: This is a good map design with some fun battles and well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The placement of the Starfleet Command dialogue after the initial Borg engagement seemed out of place. It would fit better following the Tactical Officer dialogue regarding the presence of numerous hostile vessels at the start of the map.
-The use of [Rank] in the dialogue felt out of place.
FS: Remnants - Bergintalle IV: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial spawn point, the shuttle craft seemed to be hanging on the side of the hill and sticking part way out of the ground. Consider finding a flat spot for the shuttle. Also do not place the enemy mob right on top of the spawn point.
-The use of [Rank] in the dialogue felt out of place.
-You need to add respawn points deeper in the map closer to the major battles.
-Consider reducing the total number of enemy mobs the player must fight through to accomplish the mission. It becomes a Borg hunt rather than a mission to save the researchers.
-The player needs to explore more and come across the artifacts rather than just the one at the end referred to by Captain Ford at the end of the map. This could be done by having away team come across artifacts and the science officer or other BOFF discusses it with the player. As it is currently written it feels like the dialogue with Captain Ford was added to attempt to fill in story where there was none before. That makes it feel awkward and does not really flow well.
FS: Remnants - Featalle Area in the Hromi Cluster: This is a good map design with some tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of [Rank] in the dialogue felt out of place.
-You need to add respawn points deeper in the map closer to the major battles.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Name: Trouble in Trimble
Author: zebgodwin
ID: ST-HB7O8BRKM
Minimum level: any
Allegiance: Federation
Estimated length: 1 hour
Thanks in advance!
Foundry Missions by @zebgodwin Trouble in Trimble: An illicit Reman colony is under attack by Orion pirates. Will you defend the colony or arrest its only defender? Paying the Price: You must protect an uncontacted pre-warp civilization from Orion slavers, without violating the Prime Directive. The Mirror of Infinity: To save your ship, you must convince the descendants of the crew of the long-lost USS Infinity to work with their mortal enemies - their Mirror Universe counterparts. Part of the USS Infinity Foundry Roundtable Challenge. The Tholian Tempest: A rescue mission on a Y-class world leaves the away team stranded inside a Shakespeare play while under attack by Tholians and Gorn. The Trafalgar Paradox: A mission to locate a missing Starfleet vessel leads the away team into a mind-bending temporal paradox.
Hey Evil70th, i am back with a new mission, that i would like for you to review.
Thank you for taking the time to review my new mission.
Title: SFI: The beginning
ID: ST-HUZOIRNE9
Author: Logitech007
Language: English
Allegiance: Starfleet/Federation
Level: Any
Version: V:1.4: Took out some enemies in the final space battle.
Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUafl6T9iEU
Story: You have finished transporting a prisoner over to a secret Federation prison, when you receive a priority one message from Admiral Stella Whyte from Starfleet Intelligence asking for some help.
This mission is meant to be part of a trilogy, it's not meant for much to be discovered, just the initial artifact that shows the investigation and discovery in its infancy. (the reference to multiple artifacts will have to be modified as you mentioned).
I will take your advice and apply some of those suggestions to the mission.
Summary: This is a good combat oriented mission with several tough battles, nice map designs and well written dialogue. I would highly recommend this mission to other players who like a tough combat oriented mission with a well written story. I do read the previous in game reviews and have based some of this review on that feedback. The paragraphs below are not meant to detract from the mission playability since I gave the overall rating of 5 stars. Rather these paragraphs cover items I feel the player could do a little better on and make a mission even better.
While I found no spelling or grammatical errors in the dialogue I felt there could have been more story development. On the FS: Remnants - Bergintalle IV map below you had the opportunity to add to the story by having the player come across artifacts as they proceeded across the map. The player could scan and have reports and discuss what they found with the BOFF at each artifact. This could have been part of the initial patrol on the map rather than a series of Borg battles that become predictable. It could also be added to the overall dialogue and cause the player to seek an explanation from Captain Ford at the end of the map. The single artifact discovered at the end felt odd since the dialogue referred to multiple artifacts being found at the site.
I mention the use of [Rank] in dialogue feeling out of place. Do not get me wrong, there are places where [Rank] works well but others where it just felt out of place. Specifically in the dialogue where the NPC gives orders or direction to the player, especially coming from Captain Ford, directed at the player. There can be positional authority, which in the story Captain Ford fills but when the player out ranks the NPC it just feels odd to me. My suggestion is to exchange [Rank] in the dialogue for Captain. This provides a more likely situation where the player falls under the positional authority of the NPC. In the story I feel it flows better and serves to draw the player in, making them a part of the story rather than just a reader.
One last thing that I wanted to discuss briefly is the use of respawn points and enemy engagements. In combat oriented missions the player generally expects the mission to have several battles on most maps but you need to find the balance when doing this. A key question you need to ask yourself is, do all the battles on this map really add to the story and the mission, or is it just a grinder. The enemy mobs you had on the FS: Remnants - Bergintalle IV map were a good mix from low to higher level enemy but were they actually all needed for the mission. That is the question you have to answer as the author of the mission. Basically, how much is too much? One more item is the use of respawn points on a map. If you have tougher enemy mobs on a map you should add respawn points placed closer to those battle areas. When you have to respawn and then run all the way across the map only to find the enemy back at full strength it can be annoying.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good, detailed description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is pretty straight forward. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Earth Spacedock (Cryptic Map): Nice use of the Cryptic map. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I am not sure the meeting with Captain Ford was necessary. This dialogue could have been a follow on dialogue to the grant dialogue. You would have to rewrite the grant dialogue to lead to this but it would work better as part of that dialogue.
-The use of [Rank] in the dialogue can seem out of place in the dialogue. I will note the maps this occurred on and cover it my summary above.
FS: Remnants - Featalle Area in the Hromi Cluster: This is a good map design with some fun battles and well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The placement of the Starfleet Command dialogue after the initial Borg engagement seemed out of place. It would fit better following the Tactical Officer dialogue regarding the presence of numerous hostile vessels at the start of the map.
-The use of [Rank] in the dialogue felt out of place.
FS: Remnants - Bergintalle IV: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial spawn point, the shuttle craft seemed to be hanging on the side of the hill and sticking part way out of the ground. Consider finding a flat spot for the shuttle. Also do not place the enemy mob right on top of the spawn point.
-The use of [Rank] in the dialogue felt out of place.
-You need to add respawn points deeper in the map closer to the major battles.
-Consider reducing the total number of enemy mobs the player must fight through to accomplish the mission. It becomes a Borg hunt rather than a mission to save the researchers.
-The player needs to explore more and come across the artifacts rather than just the one at the end referred to by Captain Ford at the end of the map. This could be done by having away team come across artifacts and the science officer or other BOFF discusses it with the player. As it is currently written it feels like the dialogue with Captain Ford was added to attempt to fill in story where there was none before. That makes it feel awkward and does not really flow well.
FS: Remnants - Featalle Area in the Hromi Cluster: This is a good map design with some tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of [Rank] in the dialogue felt out of place.
-You need to add respawn points deeper in the map closer to the major battles.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Name: Trouble in Trimble
Author: zebgodwin
ID: ST-HB7O8BRKM
Minimum level: any
Allegiance: Federation
Estimated length: 1 hour
Thanks in advance!
Hi zebgodwin,
Sorry for the delay in responding. Welcome to the queue and the Foundry. Your mission is currently 5th in the queue behind Gromio. Work has been and continues to occupy a lot of my waking hours. Because of that it may be a while before I get to your mission but I will get to it as soon as I can.
Hey Evil70th, i am back with a new mission, that i would like for you to review.
Thank you for taking the time to review my new mission.
Title: SFI: The beginning
ID: ST-HUZOIRNE9
Author: Logitech007
Language: English
Allegiance: Starfleet/Federation
Level: Any
Version: V:1.4: Took out some enemies in the final space battle.
Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUafl6T9iEU
Story: You have finished transporting a prisoner over to a secret Federation prison, when you receive a priority one message from Admiral Stella Whyte from Starfleet Intelligence asking for some help.
Thank you Logitech007
Hi Logitech,
Welcome back to the queue and sorry for the lateness of my reply to your mission request. Your mission is currently 6th in the queue behind zebgodwin. As I mentioned to him, work has been a large occupying force in my life lately, so I will get your mission as soon as I can.
This mission is meant to be part of a trilogy, it's not meant for much to be discovered, just the initial artifact that shows the investigation and discovery in its infancy. (the reference to multiple artifacts will have to be modified as you mentioned).
I will take your advice and apply some of those suggestions to the mission.
All the best, and thanks again for your feedback!
Hi kerda,
Thanks for the reply, which explains a few things. As always I am happy to be able to help my fellow authors when I can. Keep up the good work and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Description: The informally self-labeled Task Force Impromptu is now effectively distanced from any help within the Deadzone. With no way out for the next decade, only one mission remains: finding Xausea, the homeworld whence the Omnitabula was made. There lies a potential wealth of knowledge the equal of the Preserver Archives, and a small hope of a way home.
But what will be found within the Deadzone will only begin to reveal the true nature of what is yet to come...
Summary: This is an outstanding mission and great follow up to the previous mission in the series. The map designs are excellent; the battles are a good range of tough but fun and the story dialogue is very well written. I found very few spelling or grammatical issues. There are a few response button issues and one or two empty dialogue boxes but those are easily cleaned up. I would highly recommend this mission to other players who like a riveting story combined with excellent map designs and fun battles. You will enjoy this mission.
One point I wanted to address is the placement of objectives and combat locations. I always play on high detail so I can enjoy the fullness of the features of the maps. If you are not currently using high detail when you test your maps I highly recommend it. This gives you the ability to see when plants may be in the way of an NPC or located right on top of an enemy spawn point. Some plants are relatively innocuous to the game play but others can interfere or even lock a player or enemy in place. Trees or some of the pod plants frequently used by the map designers are a good example of this. Players who play on low or medium detail wont mind it either as it generally will not affect their play since they cannot see the plants anyway.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good detailed description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant and follow on dialogue are well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-Consider moving the previous mission summary up to the second selection from the top vice the bottom.
Mission Task: The initial mission task is well written. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: The entry prompt dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
MAPS: The Deadzone (Deadzone): This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Unexpected System (Deadzone): This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "the size of the pocked suggest that" to read "the size of the pocket suggest that".
On the Surface (Un-named Planet): This is a good map design with simple optional combat and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "considering the dense forrest surrounding it" to read "considering the dense forest surrounding it".
-The dialogue with Ae'ela; a sentence starts with "It c" and that is it. Consider either finishing the sentence or removing it from the dialogue.
The Ancient Doorway (Eosmyria): This is a good map design with tough but not impossible combat and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Be mindful of high detail objects that may not show up in the editor if you are reviewing the maps on low detail. It can affect the players experience during the mission when suddenly there is a plant in the way of them talking to an NPC or a battle.
Guardian (The Ancient Temple - Interior): This is an excellent map design with fun optional combat and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-In the West Chamber dialogue that follows the response button "Let's get this over with" is a blank dialogue with "Continue" for the response button. Consider removing the blank dialogue link following that response button.
-Since the combat is optional based on solving a puzzle to determine the console you access consider adding either a "Skip puzzle" button to the initial dialogue for both the East and West rooms. You could design it so if the player selects that button the dialogue tells them which console to activate, i.e. North, South, East or West.
-Following the "May I inquire on some matters regarding yourself" button the dialogue has four buttons. One is "Were you built by the Xauseans" and the other three are "Continue". Consider either removing those buttons labeled "Continue" or change to an appropriate response with an end to the dialogue or continuation of the dialogue. I am not sure if the problem also exists following the button "I have some questions that could use answers". Check both trees of dialogue.
Escape Part 1 (The Secret Tunnel): This is a great map design with fun, if not over done combat and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider reducing the number of spiders and webs the player has to work through. Additionally consider changing the animation for the "Cut through web" tasks to kneeling or other appropriate animation.
Escape Part 2 (Eosmyria - Unknown Location): This is an excellent map design with tough but fun combat and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider reviewing the placement of the objective point "Reach the Clearing". This location is actually on the side of a hill and there are lots of high detail plants in the way. This causes the player to fight during the "Survive" objective against enemy coming from a cliff above the hillside as well as over a hill top and with high detail plants in the way. The high detail plants should enhance the play not detract from it. There is actually a clearing on the map to the south, south east of the current location that would probably work better.
Threshold (Deadzone Solar System): This is an excellent map design with fun battles and very well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
"To Bodly Go " (Destination - Unknown): This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and the series so far. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 06/12/2015 on forum posting for: Omnitabula.
Not really starfarertheta. I thought your mission was a great one and I really enjoyed it. You did a good job developing the mission and the series. As I said, I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
I would really appreciate it if you could take a look at my first mission. It is still only visible under the search option of the Review Content tab.
Mission Name: Deus In Machina
Author: Thomas_Baston
Minimum Level: 46+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HIYASJH9I
Estimated Mission Length: 60 - 90 minutes
Door: Hromi Cluster in Pi Canis Sector Block
Many thanks!
Federation Mission - Deus In Machina
Author: Thomas_Baston
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HIYASJH9I
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission and story. For your fist Foundry mission I would say you did a fantastic job. The map designs are excellent, the battles are challenging and the story dialogue is well written. There are a couple of maps that you should examine placing respawn points but overall it is an enjoyable mission. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players.
Just as a side note; did you ever watch a movie called Circle of Iron? There was a character called Zetan in that movie, which is similar to the character you called Z'eitan.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is short but not exactly to the point. Consider adding more information about the mission without giving it all away. The goal of the description is to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant and follow on dialogue is well written with no spelling or grammatical errors, however I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-In the follow on dialogue the button "We'll certainly look into that for you, Admiral" needs a period at the end of the sentence. I mention this because the other two buttons have proper punctuation.
-In the follow on dialogue I would recommend instead of linking back to the initial dialogue window to select the next button you continue the dialogue in the same chain. Specifically, if the player chooses the first button then all the dialogue that is under the second button is there. If the player chooses the second button first then the entire dialogue under the first button follows that dialogue string. If the player chooses the last button then they continue the mission.
Mission Task: The initial task is well written and I noted no spelling errors.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: H-1273 System: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
U.S.S. Ophion: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The turbo lift is slightly higher than the rest of the doors. Consider lowering it.
U.S.S. Ophion Bridge: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Having four consoles for the player check with no dialogue between them is mildly annoying. It is unlikely that the player would check each one only to receive a summary at the end. Consider placing popup dialogue following each console the player checks on the bridge. This can be done on the map with the trigger set for each console without adding it to the storyline.
-The Captain's Personal Log; as with the recommendation in the grant dialogue above, consider linking each log entry so the player chooses 'log entries' and the string of logs follow. You can then place a summary button vice all the log entry dates so the player can skip reading the full log entry.
H-1273 IV Surface: This is a good map design with fun optional combat that is very difficult to avoid and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Chief Xenologist Garret dialogue; each button works to allow the player to choose a starting point but as mentioned above you should link the dialogue, so when the player starts at one point the conversation will continue until done. If they choose the last entry, which end the conversation, you can provide a summary of the dialogue the player needs to complete the tasks.
-Having five objects for the player to scan with no interaction is tedious. Consider adding popup dialogue as mentioned above for some if not all the devices the player scans. Despite leaving the away team behind the player should still be linked to them and Garret.
-The placement of the various patrols needs to be checked. At one point while I was checking each device a patrol found and attacked the research camp where I left the away team. You should also make the patrol routes around the perimeter of the objects vice directly next to them. This would provide an opportunity for the player to sneak around the patrols rather than waiting for them to clear the area of the device.
Alien Facility: This is a good map with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding respawn points on the lower level as well. I believe the separation works with horizontal separation as well.
-Consider separating the enemy mobs on the lower level a little more so the player and away team do not engage both at the same time.
-The machinery on the lower level below the chambers is off the ground. Is that intentional?
-For the computer core codes and the power settings puzzles, consider making skip puzzles button for the player.
H-1273 System - Redux: This is a nice map design with tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 06/13/2015 on forum posting for: Deus In Machina.
Thank you for your very thorough and helpful review of my Foundry mission.
I was aware of the natives attacking the research camp issue; however, I have not been able to solve it through changing the placement of the native groups, at least not without these groups losing their purpose on this map. As far as I have been able to determine, the problem occurs as soon as the player moves through the NPC zone of control. Once the NPCs have been aggroed, they will attempt to attack the player or the player's party, even though the native zone of control does not intersect the research camp. If you have any suggestions to correct this, I would appreciate assistance in this area.
If you are referring to the machinery that is directly below the stasis chambers, then it is supposed to be off of the ground; the machinery is supposed to be directly related to said chambers.
I will take a more careful look at your other suggestions when I open my editor, but I truly appreciate your feedback.
Again, thank you for playing and reviewing my mission.
Jim
P.S. I have never seen the Circle of Iron movie, but I did look it up on Wikipedia after I read your review. Perhaps the use of the name in the movie is similar to my own Z'eitan as they are both homophones (or close to) for something else
I was aware of the natives attacking the research camp issue; however, I have not been able to solve it through changing the placement of the native groups, at least not without these groups losing their purpose on this map. As far as I have been able to determine, the problem occurs as soon as the player moves through the NPC zone of control. Once the NPCs have been aggroed, they will attempt to attack the player or the player's party, even though the native zone of control does not intersect the research camp. If you have any suggestions to correct this, I would appreciate assistance in this area.
It almost seemed as though the enemy NPCs were coming into range of the encampment. I have found that even if you alert the enemy to your presence, if you can out run them they will loose interest in you and go back to their original patrol area. The issue may be related to the radius of the enemy detection in relation to their patrol route. I suspect the patrol is somehow coming within range to detect the encampment and the players away team that they leave behind. It could also be an issue if the player does not place the team on passive mode. Even if you set a rally point and the enemy come within range I have noticed that on anything other than passive mode they will attack. Something to consider.
If you are referring to the machinery that is directly below the stasis chambers, then it is supposed to be off of the ground; the machinery is supposed to be directly related to said chambers.
I thought that might be what you were doing but I wanted to be sure.
P.S. I have never seen the Circle of Iron movie, but I did look it up on Wikipedia after I read your review. Perhaps the use of the name in the movie is similar to my own Z'eitan as they are both homophones (or close to) for something else
Thanks for clarifying. If you like old martial arts movies you will like that one. Most of the acting is cheesy at best but that can be fun to watch as well as the old school special effects.
I have a newly released mission that could use some reviews. "[ICO] A Secret Weapon" by @lordarathron is a fed mission for 60+level captains.
Hi Lordarathron,
Thanks for the mission review request. Is this mission a Federation or Klingon mission? Also please let me know what the Project ID number is and an approximate play time. Your mission is currently 4th in the queue behind Logitech007.
Summary: This is truly an outstanding mission and you have certainly set the bar extremely high for the map designs alone. Your map designs for the underwater sequences were simply stunning. I was drawn into the story through the combination of the map design and story dialogue. I would highly recommend this mission to all players.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description with well written background and mission notes. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is good grant dialogue that makes you want to click 'Accept'. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: The initial task is a good use of the task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: The entry prompt is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Fields of Mol'Rihan: This is an excellent map design with well written story dialogue. The design of the underwater sequence is simply outstanding. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Examine statue dialogue; consider changing "revealed itself to us on Qu'nos" to read "revealed itself to us on Qo'noS".
Temple of the Dewans: This is an excellent map design with good story dialogue. The design of the underwater map is virtually flawless. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-There are a couple of places where the player appears to run through and splash water. It is only a minor issue but mildly detracts from the elegance of the design.
Dewan Ruins: This is an excellent map design with well written story dialogue. The design of the underwater map is virtually flawless. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Lieutenant Athens dialogue; consider changing "easily pick us of while we're separated" to read "easily pick us off while we're separated".
-There are a couple of places where the player appears to run through and splash water. It is only a minor issue but mildly detracts from the elegance of the design.
Camp Battle: This is a good map design with a couple of fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Battle of Dewa IV: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission from the design through the battles and into the dialogue. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 06/16/2015 on forum posting for: Rise of Mol'Rihan.
Ghost in the machine
ST-HKOQHNRS8
lvl 41+
Mission Name: Ghost in the Machine
Author: @helixfungus
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HKOQHNRS8
Estimated Mission Length: 30-40 minutes
Start: Kei System, Sirius Sector
The story goes like this: Apparently you saved a lot of Gamma Margoulis colonists from Borg assimilation. But you cannot remember a thing... you will retrieve those memories back with the help of a ...Q
Federation Mission - Ghost in the machine
Author: helixfungus
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HKOQHNRS8
Report Start
Summary: This is a good concept for a mission but you need to work on some of the maps and most of the story dialogue. While there were several spelling and grammatical errors throughout the dialogue the largest portion of errors would be punctuation, followed by capitalization. Other factors weigh on the mission playability but if the player has a hard time following the story because of inconsistent dialogue it can ruin an otherwise good mission.
There are several issues with all of your map designs although they are primarily confined to your custom maps. Some of the items to look at are the placement of objects in relation to the floor they are supposed to be resting on. For example the medical beds, on the appropriate maps, need to be raised up so they are sitting on the floor and not buried in it. The benches in the observation lounge on the appropriate map needs to be raised up to rest on the floor as well as the NPCs sitting on them need to be raised as well. Additionally some of the doors were slightly above the floor and in some cases more like a step up and over to get through. Attention to these points of detail are simple to fix and will make the mission more enjoyable to play.
In this mission your battles were a mix of simple and balanced. The simple ones were mostly finished with virtually no help from the player and that can be annoying. Having assistance from NPCs engaging enemy mobs is good but you have to find the balance between the enemy and the friendly to make it worth playing. Basically you do not want it to be a grinder but you also do not want it to be too difficult. That is not always easy but it is a necessary element to a good mission that involves combat as a story element.
One last thing, you really only did it on one map but it did seem a bit excessive. The number of tasks on a map can be numerous but repeating the same basic task over and over again can become annoying really quickly. The first thing you should ask yourself is, does this task help move the mission forward? Is it a necessary part of the story and the mission? If not, why have the player do it? It is your mission so you are the one who has to decide if it helps develop your mission and the story or not. That is the difference between an okay mission and a great mission. If a player is drawn into the mission that they forget how much time they have spent playing then you have written a great mission. Your goal should be to draw the player in and make them want to keep playing.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are several words after many spaces at the bottom of the description that do not make any sense. They do not appear to be relevant to the description. Consider removing those words and the extra spaces.
-The notation of the entry point is in the description but consider changing it to [MissionInfo] dialogue so that it stands out.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The overall grant dialogue has apparently random carriage returns in the middle of sentences. It makes the dialogue difficult to read as a unified structure relevant to the mission. When a player sees this lack of attention to detail they will most likely not press the 'Accept' button.
Mission Task: The initial task is well done. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: The First Step: The map design is good but some elements on the map are either too low or too high as indicated below. Your story dialogue has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected. You need to go through all the story dialogue to correct these errors. I noted several items to consider changing:
-The Q dialogue; consider changing "I'm so sorry you can' remember" to read "I'm so sorry you can't remember".
-Consider changing "[OOC]he extends the hand towards you[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]He extends his hand towards you[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "isn't a magnificent sight" to read "Isn't it a magnificent sight".
-Consider changing "[MissionInfo]Walk past Q, to reach the core comet[MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Walk past Q, to reach the core of the comet[MissionInfo]".
-Consider changing the response button "(Do as Q wish, you have no choice)" to read "(Do as Q wishes, you have no choice)".
-Your dialogue tells the player "[MissionInfo]Walk past Q, to reach the core comet[MissionInfo]" but as the dialogue closes Q disappears. Consider changing the trigger for Q to disappear to a reach marker or the next interaction in the mission.
-The dialogue with Doctor Gilliam has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected. There are too many to itemize here in this report. Consider reviewing all the dialogue for these errors and correcting them.
-The dialogue button for Doctor Gilliam is labeled "Talk to Doctor Perna Jilliam" but later dialogue windows label her as "Doctor Gilliam". Consider going through the dialogue and buttons to ensure the correct spelling of the name is consistent throughout the dialogue.
-The dialogue with Admiral Soto has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected. There are too many to itemize here in this report. Consider reviewing all the dialogue for these errors and correcting them.
-Check you map designs. You have several map elements that are too high or too low on the map. For example some of the doors the player must pass through are too high. The player can pass through them but the bottom of the door is above the floor and looks odd. There are also pieces of equipment that appear to be there as background detail but look odd because they are sunk into the floor.
-The dialogue with Q has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected. There are too many to itemize here in this report. Consider reviewing all the dialogue for these errors and correcting them.
-The dialogue on this map has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected. From this point forward I will note the maps with these issues and it will be up to you to go through the dialogue and correct it.
Gamma Margoulis System: This is a good map with simple battles but the dialogue needs work on spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that detract from the mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial warp sequence using Weather StarStreaks NorthSouth01 has always had issues and does not look right unless the player is traveling as full impulse. Consider reorienting the map to an East to West configuration and using the Weather StarStreaks WestEast01, which works regardless of the players speed.
-The dialogue on this map has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected.
Hanger Deck USS Olympic: The map design is good but some elements on the map are either too low or too high as indicated below. Your story dialogue has several spelling, grammatical and punctuation errors that need to be corrected. You need to go through all the story dialogue to correct these errors. I noted some major items to consider changing:
-Check you map designs. You have several map elements that are too high or too low on the map. For example in the medical section, most of the beds are too low in the floor and some are at different heights. In observation area all the benches are too low in the floor and the NPCs sitting on them are also too low. Additionally you have several doors that are too high, the player can get through them but they look odd.
-The mixture of TNG and TOS medical beds looks odd. Consider having one or the other but not both.
-The dialogue on this map has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected.
-There are too many "Lend a hand" tasks. The player ends up running back and forth across the map several times to complete tasks that do not appear to add anything to the story. Consider removing some of these tasks.
-The animation for the tasks where the player is retrieving supplies looks odd. Consider changing it to another animation where the player looks like they are kneeling and going through cabinet.
-The enemy mobs are out matched by the NPCs on the map. It is okay to have help from the ship's crew to engage the enemy mobs but on this map most of the enemy were destroyed before the player could get there to engage them.
Gamma Margoulis proximity: The map design is good, the battles are too easy and the story dialogue needs some work. There are several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected. I noted some major items to consider changing:
-The dialogue on this map has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected.
-The enemy mobs are out matched by the NPCs on the map. The player hardly engages the enemy units before they are all destroyed by NPCs.
RRW Illious Interior: This is a good map design with balanced battles and the story dialogue needs some work. There are several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The clearing debris tasks have no animation for the player and the player is too close when the debris is cleared with a blast. Consider moving the trigger location back further from the blast area and adding appropriate animation for the player.
-The dialogue on this map has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected.
Alpha Margoulis Maw: This is a good map design with balanced battles and the story dialogue needs some work. There are several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected. I noted one major item to consider changing:
-The dialogue on this map has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected.
Alpha Margoulis Subspace Array Interior: The map design is nice but needs a little work on some of the elements. The battles are well balanced and the story dialogue needs some work. There are several spelling, grammatical and punctuation errors that need to be corrected. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Check you map designs. You have some map elements that are too high or too low on the map. For example, there are some doors that appear to be slightly higher than the deck. There are some elements where Borg devices have been placed but they appear to pass through a wall and door, which makes it look odd.
-The dialogue on this map has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected.
Almost Heaven: This is a good map design with story dialogue that has a few spelling grammatical and capitalization errors. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Some of the dialogue on this map has spelling grammatical and capitalization errors which need to be looked at.
USS Oppenheimer Interior: The map design is nice but needs a little work on some of the elements and the story dialogue needs some work. There are some spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Check you map designs. You have several map elements that are too low on the map in relation to the floor. For example in the medical section, most of the beds are too low in the floor and some are at different heights.
-The mixture of TNG and TOS medical beds looks odd. Consider having one or the other but not both.
-The dialogue on this map has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. The mission concept is good but you need to work on the execution of the mission a little more.
Brian
Thanks for your pass. I think I will work on almost all the issues you mentioned. I am aware of the grammar issues, unfortunately I can't do much about it, unless some proofread volunteer shows up (English isn't my mother tongue), and it's really difficult to get one. And I know because I tried several times to get aid on that aspect.
> @evil70th said: > lordarathron wrote: » > > I have a newly released mission that could use some reviews. "[ICO] A Secret Weapon" by lordarathron is a fed mission for 60+level captains. > > > > > Hi Lordarathron, > > Thanks for the mission review request. Is this mission a Federation or Klingon mission? Also please let me know what the Project ID number is and an approximate play time. Your mission is currently 4th in the queue behind Logitech007. > > Thanks for authoring, > Brian
I don't have the ID on hand, but it is a shorter mission. I'd estimate 15 min tops
Description: Everything comes together in this explosive conclusion of the Omnitabula trilogy. Discover the dark secret of the Xausean homeworld, achieve greater understanding of the nature of Enigma, and find the unexpected.
Thanks for your pass. I think I will work on almost all the issues you mentioned. I am aware of the grammar issues, unfortunately I can't do much about it, unless some proofread volunteer shows up (English isn't my mother tongue), and it's really difficult to get one. And I know because I tried several times to get aid on that aspect.
Thanks for the feedback Helixfungus. I understand about it being hard to get someone to spell check your work ahead of publishing. There are word processors available that will help you go through your dialogue. I also generally recommend a script if you have not already written one. This will help to keep your story straight while helping you keep the spelling and grammatical errors to a minimum.
> @evil70th said:
> lordarathron wrote: »
>
> I have a newly released mission that could use some reviews. "[ICO] A Secret Weapon" by lordarathron is a fed mission for 60+level captains.
>
>
>
>
> Hi Lordarathron,
>
> Thanks for the mission review request. Is this mission a Federation or Klingon mission? Also please let me know what the Project ID number is and an approximate play time. Your mission is currently 4th in the queue behind Logitech007.
>
> Thanks for authoring,
> Brian
I don't have the ID on hand, but it is a shorter mission. I'd estimate 15 min tops
Thanks for the update Lordarathron. The ID makes it easier to find the mission but I should be able find it without.
Description: Everything comes together in this explosive conclusion of the Omnitabula trilogy. Discover the dark secret of the Xausean homeworld, achieve greater understanding of the nature of Enigma, and find the unexpected.
Hi starfarertheta,
Welcome back to the queue. Your newest mission is currently 5th in the queue behind lordarathron. I will get to this mission as soon as I can.
Hello again,
I'd like to add another mission to the queue if possible. It can be found under the Review tab.
Name: Shattering Ones Mirror Author: Gromio Level: 50+ ID: ST-HCA80SL5R Door: Wolf 359 Allegiance: Starfleet or Romulan Republic Estimated Length: About 1 hour
Description: The Mirror Universe- A place where the greatest of heroes are turned to the worst villains. The powers of the Alpha Quadrant have confirmed that the Terran Empire is crushing their Romulan neighbors. If they succeed, they will have no distraction from taking their full forces into battle against the Prime universe. Everything is on the line now... The question is: Will you answer the call? Will you be able to hold the line? Or will you be left to the ashes of history?
Please Note: Despite rewriting the dialogue for the maps up until the "Romulan Boarder World" four times; I'm still not entirely pleased with the flow. Any advice on improving that would be greatly appreciated.
Summary: This is a good mission with nice map designs, several tough battles and well written story dialogue over all. Despite the spelling and grammatical errors I would still recommend this mission to other players. The plot was good and the overall execution was well done, although I would not recommend it on Elite level.
Many of the battles in your mission were over powered or too numerous to really enjoy the story. You should consider reducing the total numbers on those maps and make sure they are not all high level mobs. On the Great Bloom map you did a great job with the friendly forces moving through the debris field and helping with the optional enemy engagements. It seemed as though you were trying to balance those battles to match the friendly forces combined with the player. In the end too many optional battles left no friendly forces to help with the massive wave at the end. Also I noted that when you had the Terran forces and the Doomsday machines they often fought each other. This is usually caused by the allegiance of the skinned forces. You can fix this by making them the same enemy mob allegiance but skinned as Doomsday machines.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing your note and update information to [OOC] dialogue so that information highlighted from the rest of the description.
-Consider making the mission start point [MissionInfo] dialogue so that it is clearly visible to the player.
-Just to be sure, would it be alpha quadrant vice beta quadrant forces?
Grant Mission Dialogue: There is nothing in the grant dialogue that makes the player want to click the 'Accept' button. You need to write something related to the story that will draw the player in and make them want to click that button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial mission task. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "At wolf 359" to read "At Wolf 359"
Mission Entry Prompt:
MAPS: Bridge: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-It feels as if this map could be removed and the dialogue either placed as follow on to the grant dialogue or placed at the start of the next map.
-Consider changing the response button "That's emply space" to read "That's empty space".
BZK2A95 System: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "we were very carful" to read "we were very careful".
-Consider changing the response button "Keep telling yourslef that Blue" to read "Keep telling yourself that Blue".
-The Hail the U.S.S. Dragon dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]defense protocols initiated./OOC][/OOC]" to read "[OOC]defense protocols initiated[/OOC]".
-Consider changing some of the background ships from their default names to a specific name. It will give the player the feeling of being in the mission rather than having a bunch of filler ships taking up space.
Mirror universe Warzone: This is a nice map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The mission main task; consider changing "Famailar Face" to read "Familiar Face".
-The mission task; consider changing "Destroy Terran Straglers" to read "Destroy Terran Stragglers".
-The Hail the disabled flagship dialogue; consider changing the response button "i'm not here to fight you" to read "I'm not here to fight you".
-Consider changing the second response button "i'm from the federation. Do you requrie assistance" to read "I'm from the Federation. Do you require assistance".
-Consider changing "weapons were oproational" to read "weapons were operational".
-Consider changing the response button "I'm from a difrnet universe" to read "I'm from a different universe".
-Consider changing the dialogue "[OOC]YOu:[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]You:[/OOC]".
-Consider changing the response button "[A large object can be seen appraching in your sensors" to read "[A large object can be seen approaching in your sensors]".
A.K.S. D'regan Bridge: This is a nice map design with very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The enemy mobs overlap on the player’s spawn position, which make it very difficult to fight them. It took several respawns to finish the battles. Consider moving the enemy mobs further apart on the map or adding friendly units to help engage. Also consider not having the enemy mobs appear until after the initial dialogue is completed.
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "they were waiting unti you were" to read "they were waiting until you were".
-The map transfer dialogue response; consider changing "i have no intention of meeting my end here" to read "I have no intention of meeting my end here".
Romulan Boarder world: This is a good map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The enemy mobs are too close together so the player ends up engaging multiple units at the same time.
-I noted that the Doomsday Machines and the Terran ships also engage each other in the second round of combat. Consider changing them or as indicated above, move them farther apart.
-The Unknown Hail dialogue; consider changing "I've been montoring your" to read "I've been monitoring your".
-Consider changing "I belive you are telling" to read "I believe you are telling".
-Consider changing "permission to apprach" to read "permission to approach".
-Consider changing "Drop your sheilds" to read "Drop your shields".
-The Lleiset dialogue; consider changing "i must say though until you cam along we were just rying to get" to read "I must say though until you came along we were just trying to get".
-Consider changing "of solid Nutonium" to read "of solid neutronium".
-Consider changing the response button "I'm sorry thats classfied" to read "I'm sorry that's classified".
-Consider changing "i don't suppose" to read "I don't suppose".
-The Mo’Lariat dialogue; consider changing the response button "i'm here to discus" to read "I'm here to discuss".
-Consider changing "I don't belive you" to read "I don't believe you".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "I wnt to place" to read "I want to place".
Great Bloom: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are way too many enemy mobs to fight through to get to the enemy task on this map. I was destroyed several times and all of the supporting vessels were wiped out before we reached the objective battle. Consider removing some of the battles in the debris field and spreading the objective enemy mobs apart. Also remove the enemy mobs at the end that are not part of the required engagement.
-The end dialogue; consider changing "Exellent" to read "Excellent".
Consider changing "our ship is transphering power" to read "our ship is transferring power".
-Consider changing "Sheilds" to read "Shields".
-Consider changing "lifesupport" to read "life support".
-Consider changing "to bord the ship and turn it of at that end" to read "to board the ship and turn it off at that end".
-Consider changing the response button "Away team to Trnsporter room one" to read "Away team to transporter room one".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing the response button by putting a space between "options." and "Energize".
Crew Deck: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the mission task "Acses ships computer system" to read "Access ships computer system".
-The computer console button says "Interact" which is the default button. Consider changing it to "Access computer terminal".
-The computer access dialogue; consider changing "This is Actign captain Victoria RishisWho do you think you are!" to read "This is acting Captain Victoria Rishis. Who do you think you are?"
-Consider changing the response button "Intresting" to read "Interesting".
-Consider changing the response button "YOu have made yoursleves" to read "You have made yourselves".
-Consider changing the response button "Many have tired" to read "Many have tried".
-Consider changing the response button "Leave the consol and continue the mission" to read "Leave the console and continue the mission".
-The turbo lift is too close to the back wall with most of the gear showing in the lift. Consider moving the turbo lift further west away from the crates near that wall.
Enginering Deck: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name "Enginering Deck" to read "Engineering Deck".
-The Romulan Squad leader dialogue; consider changing "this seinor science oficer" to read "this senior science officer".
-Consider removing the hard return between "[MissionInfo]Rift[/MissionInfo]" and "[MissionInfo]Device[/Missioninfo]".
-Consider changing "here someowhere cordianting efforts" to read "here somewhere coordinating efforts".
-Consider changing "is the chief enginer" to read "is the chief engineer".
-Consider changing the response button "I'll be glad to get of this ship" to read "I'll be glad to get off this ship".
-Consider changing the mission task "Interrogate the chief enginer" to read "Interrogate the chief engineer".
-The chief engineer dialogue; consider changing "I'll have you throw into" to read "I'll have you thrown into".
-Consider changing "a filty Andorian" to read "a filthy Andorian".
-Consider changing the response button "Everyone Move" to read "Everyone move".
Terran Bridge: This is a good map design with a challenging battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Post battle dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]a near by consol[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]a nearby console[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]an emergcy force shield[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]an emergency force shield[/OOC]".
Mirror Romulus: This is a good map design with short but well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing some of the background ships from their default names to a specific name.
Arrival location: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The D'regan dialogue; consider changing "Congradulations are in order" to read "Congratulations are in order".
-Consider changing "your ships technolgy" to read "your ships technology".
-Consider changing "I belive in" to read "I believe in".
-Consider changing "Terran leadr you killed" to read "Terran leader you killed".
-Consider changing "depirved of my revnege" to read "deprived of my revenge".
-Consider changing "will fule my" to read "will fuel my".
-Consider changing the response button "Raise sheilds" to read "Raise shields".
-Consider changing the response button "Red Alert" to read "Red alert".
-The post Round two dialogue; consider changing "have the wrekage salavage" to read "have the wreckage salvage".
-The unknown ship dialogue; consider changing "all i need to do" to read "all I need to do".
-Consider changing "got into an escacpe pd" to read "got into an escape pod".
-Consider changing "[OOC]pentrating your shields[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]penetrating your shields[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]from the intensisty[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]from the intensity[/OOC]".
Consider changing "[OOC]tha you stare at the Citadel[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]that you are staring at the Citadel[/OOC]".
BZK2A95 System: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I feel like the mission could have ended on this map with some of the dialogue you have on the follow on map. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing the response button "This is going to be a long debrifing" to read "This is going to be a long debriefing".
U.S.S. Dragon: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider moving the spawn point further from the wall.
-Consider changing "[OOC]have been repeatative, and annoying[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]have been repetitive and annoying[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]They were attepemting to buy tiem to evacuate civilans[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]They were attempting to buy time to evacuate civilians[/OOC]"
-Consider changing "had acsess to cloning" to read "had access to cloning".
-Consider changing "I take it you dont need to be" to read "I take it you don't need to be".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Comments
I thought I had fixed the problem with the cube dieing by making the Tholian mobs weaker, but I seem to have been wrong. I'll have to rework that scene a bit i think, maybe put it in its own seperate battle with weak Tholians, leaving the cruisers to the player alone.
Thanks again!
Hi Mark,
As always I am glad I could help. I did not know that about the Mirror ship and Tholians. Sounds like a glitch that should be fixed eventually although I'll bet it would not be a priority.
That may be the answer although I would not make the Tholians the player faces that much harder since the player basically faces them alone. In the case you are describing that would be even more the case.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Thank you so much for a review like that! I appreciate you playing through it and I'm glad you enjoyed it. When I finish episode 2 I will surely let you know.
I'd like to add another mission to the queue if possible. It can be found under the Review tab.
Name: Shattering Ones Mirror
Author: Gromio
Level: 50+
ID: ST-HCA80SL5R
Door: Wolf 359
Allegiance: Starfleet or Romulan Republic
Estimated Length: About 1 hour
Description: The Mirror Universe- A place where the greatest of heroes are turned to the worst villains. The powers of the Alpha Quadrant have confirmed that the Terran Empire is crushing their Romulan neighbors. If they succeed, they will have no distraction from taking their full forces into battle against the Prime universe. Everything is on the line now... The question is: Will you answer the call? Will you be able to hold the line? Or will you be left to the ashes of history?
Please Note: Despite rewriting the dialogue for the maps up until the "Romulan Boarder World" four times; I'm still not entirely pleased with the flow. Any advice on improving that would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
The Foundry, and my love of Star Trek
Hi darmantj,
Sorry for the late response, but I have been away on vacation in Mexico and then had lots of work to catch up on.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi zionus0,
Welcome to the queue and sorry for the late reply to your review request. As I mentioned in the previous post, vacation and work have been in the fore front lately. I will do my best to provide you with valuable feedback on your mission, which is currently 5th in the queue behind helixfungus. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring.
Brian
Federation Mission - Forgotten Souls: Remnants
Author: kerda
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HMLKQRKYL
Report Start
Summary: This is a good combat oriented mission with several tough battles, nice map designs and well written dialogue. I would highly recommend this mission to other players who like a tough combat oriented mission with a well written story. I do read the previous in game reviews and have based some of this review on that feedback. The paragraphs below are not meant to detract from the mission playability since I gave the overall rating of 5 stars. Rather these paragraphs cover items I feel the player could do a little better on and make a mission even better.
While I found no spelling or grammatical errors in the dialogue I felt there could have been more story development. On the FS: Remnants - Bergintalle IV map below you had the opportunity to add to the story by having the player come across artifacts as they proceeded across the map. The player could scan and have reports and discuss what they found with the BOFF at each artifact. This could have been part of the initial patrol on the map rather than a series of Borg battles that become predictable. It could also be added to the overall dialogue and cause the player to seek an explanation from Captain Ford at the end of the map. The single artifact discovered at the end felt odd since the dialogue referred to multiple artifacts being found at the site.
I mention the use of [Rank] in dialogue feeling out of place. Do not get me wrong, there are places where [Rank] works well but others where it just felt out of place. Specifically in the dialogue where the NPC gives orders or direction to the player, especially coming from Captain Ford, directed at the player. There can be positional authority, which in the story Captain Ford fills but when the player out ranks the NPC it just feels odd to me. My suggestion is to exchange [Rank] in the dialogue for Captain. This provides a more likely situation where the player falls under the positional authority of the NPC. In the story I feel it flows better and serves to draw the player in, making them a part of the story rather than just a reader.
One last thing that I wanted to discuss briefly is the use of respawn points and enemy engagements. In combat oriented missions the player generally expects the mission to have several battles on most maps but you need to find the balance when doing this. A key question you need to ask yourself is, do all the battles on this map really add to the story and the mission, or is it just a grinder. The enemy mobs you had on the FS: Remnants - Bergintalle IV map were a good mix from low to higher level enemy but were they actually all needed for the mission. That is the question you have to answer as the author of the mission. Basically, how much is too much? One more item is the use of respawn points on a map. If you have tougher enemy mobs on a map you should add respawn points placed closer to those battle areas. When you have to respawn and then run all the way across the map only to find the enemy back at full strength it can be annoying.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good, detailed description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is pretty straight forward. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Earth Spacedock (Cryptic Map): Nice use of the Cryptic map. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I am not sure the meeting with Captain Ford was necessary. This dialogue could have been a follow on dialogue to the grant dialogue. You would have to rewrite the grant dialogue to lead to this but it would work better as part of that dialogue.
-The use of [Rank] in the dialogue can seem out of place in the dialogue. I will note the maps this occurred on and cover it my summary above.
FS: Remnants - Featalle Area in the Hromi Cluster: This is a good map design with some fun battles and well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The placement of the Starfleet Command dialogue after the initial Borg engagement seemed out of place. It would fit better following the Tactical Officer dialogue regarding the presence of numerous hostile vessels at the start of the map.
-The use of [Rank] in the dialogue felt out of place.
FS: Remnants - Bergintalle IV: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial spawn point, the shuttle craft seemed to be hanging on the side of the hill and sticking part way out of the ground. Consider finding a flat spot for the shuttle. Also do not place the enemy mob right on top of the spawn point.
-The use of [Rank] in the dialogue felt out of place.
-You need to add respawn points deeper in the map closer to the major battles.
-Consider reducing the total number of enemy mobs the player must fight through to accomplish the mission. It becomes a Borg hunt rather than a mission to save the researchers.
-The player needs to explore more and come across the artifacts rather than just the one at the end referred to by Captain Ford at the end of the map. This could be done by having away team come across artifacts and the science officer or other BOFF discusses it with the player. As it is currently written it feels like the dialogue with Captain Ford was added to attempt to fill in story where there was none before. That makes it feel awkward and does not really flow well.
FS: Remnants - Featalle Area in the Hromi Cluster: This is a good map design with some tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of [Rank] in the dialogue felt out of place.
-You need to add respawn points deeper in the map closer to the major battles.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 05/16/2015 on forum posting for: First Foundry Mission - reviews sought.
Name: Trouble in Trimble
Author: zebgodwin
ID: ST-HB7O8BRKM
Minimum level: any
Allegiance: Federation
Estimated length: 1 hour
Thanks in advance!
Trouble in Trimble: An illicit Reman colony is under attack by Orion pirates. Will you defend the colony or arrest its only defender?
Paying the Price: You must protect an uncontacted pre-warp civilization from Orion slavers, without violating the Prime Directive.
The Mirror of Infinity: To save your ship, you must convince the descendants of the crew of the long-lost USS Infinity to work with their mortal enemies - their Mirror Universe counterparts. Part of the USS Infinity Foundry Roundtable Challenge.
The Tholian Tempest: A rescue mission on a Y-class world leaves the away team stranded inside a Shakespeare play while under attack by Tholians and Gorn.
The Trafalgar Paradox: A mission to locate a missing Starfleet vessel leads the away team into a mind-bending temporal paradox.
Thank you for taking the time to review my new mission.
Title: SFI: The beginning
ID: ST-HUZOIRNE9
Author: Logitech007
Language: English
Allegiance: Starfleet/Federation
Level: Any
Version: V:1.4: Took out some enemies in the final space battle.
Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUafl6T9iEU
Story: You have finished transporting a prisoner over to a secret Federation prison, when you receive a priority one message from Admiral Stella Whyte from Starfleet Intelligence asking for some help.
Thank you Logitech007
This mission is meant to be part of a trilogy, it's not meant for much to be discovered, just the initial artifact that shows the investigation and discovery in its infancy. (the reference to multiple artifacts will have to be modified as you mentioned).
I will take your advice and apply some of those suggestions to the mission.
All the best, and thanks again for your feedback!
Hi zebgodwin,
Sorry for the delay in responding. Welcome to the queue and the Foundry. Your mission is currently 5th in the queue behind Gromio. Work has been and continues to occupy a lot of my waking hours. Because of that it may be a while before I get to your mission but I will get to it as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi Logitech,
Welcome back to the queue and sorry for the lateness of my reply to your mission request. Your mission is currently 6th in the queue behind zebgodwin. As I mentioned to him, work has been a large occupying force in my life lately, so I will get your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks, as always, for authoring,
Brian
Hi kerda,
Thanks for the reply, which explains a few things.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - The Omnitabula - Threshold
Author: starfarertheta
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HIKR5YADT
Report Start
Summary: This is an outstanding mission and great follow up to the previous mission in the series. The map designs are excellent; the battles are a good range of tough but fun and the story dialogue is very well written. I found very few spelling or grammatical issues. There are a few response button issues and one or two empty dialogue boxes but those are easily cleaned up. I would highly recommend this mission to other players who like a riveting story combined with excellent map designs and fun battles. You will enjoy this mission.
One point I wanted to address is the placement of objectives and combat locations. I always play on high detail so I can enjoy the fullness of the features of the maps. If you are not currently using high detail when you test your maps I highly recommend it. This gives you the ability to see when plants may be in the way of an NPC or located right on top of an enemy spawn point. Some plants are relatively innocuous to the game play but others can interfere or even lock a player or enemy in place. Trees or some of the pod plants frequently used by the map designers are a good example of this. Players who play on low or medium detail wont mind it either as it generally will not affect their play since they cannot see the plants anyway.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good detailed description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant and follow on dialogue are well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-Consider moving the previous mission summary up to the second selection from the top vice the bottom.
Mission Task: The initial mission task is well written. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: The entry prompt dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
MAPS:
The Deadzone (Deadzone): This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Unexpected System (Deadzone): This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "the size of the pocked suggest that" to read "the size of the pocket suggest that".
On the Surface (Un-named Planet): This is a good map design with simple optional combat and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "considering the dense forrest surrounding it" to read "considering the dense forest surrounding it".
-The dialogue with Ae'ela; a sentence starts with "It c" and that is it. Consider either finishing the sentence or removing it from the dialogue.
The Ancient Doorway (Eosmyria): This is a good map design with tough but not impossible combat and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Be mindful of high detail objects that may not show up in the editor if you are reviewing the maps on low detail. It can affect the players experience during the mission when suddenly there is a plant in the way of them talking to an NPC or a battle.
Guardian (The Ancient Temple - Interior): This is an excellent map design with fun optional combat and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-In the West Chamber dialogue that follows the response button "Let's get this over with" is a blank dialogue with "Continue" for the response button. Consider removing the blank dialogue link following that response button.
-Since the combat is optional based on solving a puzzle to determine the console you access consider adding either a "Skip puzzle" button to the initial dialogue for both the East and West rooms. You could design it so if the player selects that button the dialogue tells them which console to activate, i.e. North, South, East or West.
-Following the "May I inquire on some matters regarding yourself" button the dialogue has four buttons. One is "Were you built by the Xauseans" and the other three are "Continue". Consider either removing those buttons labeled "Continue" or change to an appropriate response with an end to the dialogue or continuation of the dialogue. I am not sure if the problem also exists following the button "I have some questions that could use answers". Check both trees of dialogue.
Escape Part 1 (The Secret Tunnel): This is a great map design with fun, if not over done combat and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider reducing the number of spiders and webs the player has to work through. Additionally consider changing the animation for the "Cut through web" tasks to kneeling or other appropriate animation.
Escape Part 2 (Eosmyria - Unknown Location): This is an excellent map design with tough but fun combat and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider reviewing the placement of the objective point "Reach the Clearing". This location is actually on the side of a hill and there are lots of high detail plants in the way. This causes the player to fight during the "Survive" objective against enemy coming from a cliff above the hillside as well as over a hill top and with high detail plants in the way. The high detail plants should enhance the play not detract from it. There is actually a clearing on the map to the south, south east of the current location that would probably work better.
Threshold (Deadzone Solar System): This is an excellent map design with fun battles and very well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
"To Bodly Go " (Destination - Unknown): This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and the series so far. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 06/12/2015 on forum posting for: Omnitabula.
Looks like I've got some work to do.
Not really starfarertheta. I thought your mission was a great one and I really enjoyed it. You did a good job developing the mission and the series. As I said, I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - Deus In Machina
Author: Thomas_Baston
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HIYASJH9I
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission and story. For your fist Foundry mission I would say you did a fantastic job. The map designs are excellent, the battles are challenging and the story dialogue is well written. There are a couple of maps that you should examine placing respawn points but overall it is an enjoyable mission. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players.
Just as a side note; did you ever watch a movie called Circle of Iron? There was a character called Zetan in that movie, which is similar to the character you called Z'eitan.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is short but not exactly to the point. Consider adding more information about the mission without giving it all away. The goal of the description is to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant and follow on dialogue is well written with no spelling or grammatical errors, however I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-In the follow on dialogue the button "We'll certainly look into that for you, Admiral" needs a period at the end of the sentence. I mention this because the other two buttons have proper punctuation.
-In the follow on dialogue I would recommend instead of linking back to the initial dialogue window to select the next button you continue the dialogue in the same chain. Specifically, if the player chooses the first button then all the dialogue that is under the second button is there. If the player chooses the second button first then the entire dialogue under the first button follows that dialogue string. If the player chooses the last button then they continue the mission.
Mission Task: The initial task is well written and I noted no spelling errors.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
H-1273 System: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
U.S.S. Ophion: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The turbo lift is slightly higher than the rest of the doors. Consider lowering it.
U.S.S. Ophion Bridge: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Having four consoles for the player check with no dialogue between them is mildly annoying. It is unlikely that the player would check each one only to receive a summary at the end. Consider placing popup dialogue following each console the player checks on the bridge. This can be done on the map with the trigger set for each console without adding it to the storyline.
-The Captain's Personal Log; as with the recommendation in the grant dialogue above, consider linking each log entry so the player chooses 'log entries' and the string of logs follow. You can then place a summary button vice all the log entry dates so the player can skip reading the full log entry.
H-1273 IV Surface: This is a good map design with fun optional combat that is very difficult to avoid and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Chief Xenologist Garret dialogue; each button works to allow the player to choose a starting point but as mentioned above you should link the dialogue, so when the player starts at one point the conversation will continue until done. If they choose the last entry, which end the conversation, you can provide a summary of the dialogue the player needs to complete the tasks.
-Having five objects for the player to scan with no interaction is tedious. Consider adding popup dialogue as mentioned above for some if not all the devices the player scans. Despite leaving the away team behind the player should still be linked to them and Garret.
-The placement of the various patrols needs to be checked. At one point while I was checking each device a patrol found and attacked the research camp where I left the away team. You should also make the patrol routes around the perimeter of the objects vice directly next to them. This would provide an opportunity for the player to sneak around the patrols rather than waiting for them to clear the area of the device.
Alien Facility: This is a good map with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding respawn points on the lower level as well. I believe the separation works with horizontal separation as well.
-Consider separating the enemy mobs on the lower level a little more so the player and away team do not engage both at the same time.
-The machinery on the lower level below the chambers is off the ground. Is that intentional?
-For the computer core codes and the power settings puzzles, consider making skip puzzles button for the player.
H-1273 System - Redux: This is a nice map design with tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 06/13/2015 on forum posting for: Deus In Machina.
Thank you for your very thorough and helpful review of my Foundry mission.
I was aware of the natives attacking the research camp issue; however, I have not been able to solve it through changing the placement of the native groups, at least not without these groups losing their purpose on this map. As far as I have been able to determine, the problem occurs as soon as the player moves through the NPC zone of control. Once the NPCs have been aggroed, they will attempt to attack the player or the player's party, even though the native zone of control does not intersect the research camp. If you have any suggestions to correct this, I would appreciate assistance in this area.
If you are referring to the machinery that is directly below the stasis chambers, then it is supposed to be off of the ground; the machinery is supposed to be directly related to said chambers.
I will take a more careful look at your other suggestions when I open my editor, but I truly appreciate your feedback.
Again, thank you for playing and reviewing my mission.
Jim
P.S. I have never seen the Circle of Iron movie, but I did look it up on Wikipedia after I read your review. Perhaps the use of the name in the movie is similar to my own Z'eitan as they are both homophones (or close to) for something else
As always I am happy to help.
It almost seemed as though the enemy NPCs were coming into range of the encampment. I have found that even if you alert the enemy to your presence, if you can out run them they will loose interest in you and go back to their original patrol area. The issue may be related to the radius of the enemy detection in relation to their patrol route. I suspect the patrol is somehow coming within range to detect the encampment and the players away team that they leave behind. It could also be an issue if the player does not place the team on passive mode. Even if you set a rally point and the enemy come within range I have noticed that on anything other than passive mode they will attack. Something to consider.
I thought that might be what you were doing but I wanted to be sure.
It was a lot of fun and as I said above I am always happy to help whenever I can.
Thanks for clarifying. If you like old martial arts movies you will like that one. Most of the acting is cheesy at best but that can be fun to watch as well as the old school special effects.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi Lordarathron,
Thanks for the mission review request. Is this mission a Federation or Klingon mission? Also please let me know what the Project ID number is and an approximate play time. Your mission is currently 4th in the queue behind Logitech007.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - Rise of Mol'Rihan
Author: P_Sutherland
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HGYI9LOK4
Report Start
Summary: This is truly an outstanding mission and you have certainly set the bar extremely high for the map designs alone. Your map designs for the underwater sequences were simply stunning. I was drawn into the story through the combination of the map design and story dialogue. I would highly recommend this mission to all players.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description with well written background and mission notes. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is good grant dialogue that makes you want to click 'Accept'. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: The initial task is a good use of the task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: The entry prompt is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Fields of Mol'Rihan: This is an excellent map design with well written story dialogue. The design of the underwater sequence is simply outstanding. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Examine statue dialogue; consider changing "revealed itself to us on Qu'nos" to read "revealed itself to us on Qo'noS".
Temple of the Dewans: This is an excellent map design with good story dialogue. The design of the underwater map is virtually flawless. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-There are a couple of places where the player appears to run through and splash water. It is only a minor issue but mildly detracts from the elegance of the design.
Dewan Ruins: This is an excellent map design with well written story dialogue. The design of the underwater map is virtually flawless. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Lieutenant Athens dialogue; consider changing "easily pick us of while we're separated" to read "easily pick us off while we're separated".
-There are a couple of places where the player appears to run through and splash water. It is only a minor issue but mildly detracts from the elegance of the design.
Camp Battle: This is a good map design with a couple of fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Battle of Dewa IV: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission from the design through the battles and into the dialogue. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 06/16/2015 on forum posting for: Rise of Mol'Rihan.
Federation Mission - Ghost in the machine
Author: helixfungus
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HKOQHNRS8
Report Start
Summary: This is a good concept for a mission but you need to work on some of the maps and most of the story dialogue. While there were several spelling and grammatical errors throughout the dialogue the largest portion of errors would be punctuation, followed by capitalization. Other factors weigh on the mission playability but if the player has a hard time following the story because of inconsistent dialogue it can ruin an otherwise good mission.
There are several issues with all of your map designs although they are primarily confined to your custom maps. Some of the items to look at are the placement of objects in relation to the floor they are supposed to be resting on. For example the medical beds, on the appropriate maps, need to be raised up so they are sitting on the floor and not buried in it. The benches in the observation lounge on the appropriate map needs to be raised up to rest on the floor as well as the NPCs sitting on them need to be raised as well. Additionally some of the doors were slightly above the floor and in some cases more like a step up and over to get through. Attention to these points of detail are simple to fix and will make the mission more enjoyable to play.
In this mission your battles were a mix of simple and balanced. The simple ones were mostly finished with virtually no help from the player and that can be annoying. Having assistance from NPCs engaging enemy mobs is good but you have to find the balance between the enemy and the friendly to make it worth playing. Basically you do not want it to be a grinder but you also do not want it to be too difficult. That is not always easy but it is a necessary element to a good mission that involves combat as a story element.
One last thing, you really only did it on one map but it did seem a bit excessive. The number of tasks on a map can be numerous but repeating the same basic task over and over again can become annoying really quickly. The first thing you should ask yourself is, does this task help move the mission forward? Is it a necessary part of the story and the mission? If not, why have the player do it? It is your mission so you are the one who has to decide if it helps develop your mission and the story or not. That is the difference between an okay mission and a great mission. If a player is drawn into the mission that they forget how much time they have spent playing then you have written a great mission. Your goal should be to draw the player in and make them want to keep playing.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are several words after many spaces at the bottom of the description that do not make any sense. They do not appear to be relevant to the description. Consider removing those words and the extra spaces.
-The notation of the entry point is in the description but consider changing it to [MissionInfo] dialogue so that it stands out.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The overall grant dialogue has apparently random carriage returns in the middle of sentences. It makes the dialogue difficult to read as a unified structure relevant to the mission. When a player sees this lack of attention to detail they will most likely not press the 'Accept' button.
Mission Task: The initial task is well done. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
The First Step: The map design is good but some elements on the map are either too low or too high as indicated below. Your story dialogue has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected. You need to go through all the story dialogue to correct these errors. I noted several items to consider changing:
-The Q dialogue; consider changing "I'm so sorry you can' remember" to read "I'm so sorry you can't remember".
-Consider changing "[OOC]he extends the hand towards you[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]He extends his hand towards you[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "isn't a magnificent sight" to read "Isn't it a magnificent sight".
-Consider changing "[MissionInfo]Walk past Q, to reach the core comet[MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Walk past Q, to reach the core of the comet[MissionInfo]".
-Consider changing the response button "(Do as Q wish, you have no choice)" to read "(Do as Q wishes, you have no choice)".
-Your dialogue tells the player "[MissionInfo]Walk past Q, to reach the core comet[MissionInfo]" but as the dialogue closes Q disappears. Consider changing the trigger for Q to disappear to a reach marker or the next interaction in the mission.
-The dialogue with Doctor Gilliam has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected. There are too many to itemize here in this report. Consider reviewing all the dialogue for these errors and correcting them.
-The dialogue button for Doctor Gilliam is labeled "Talk to Doctor Perna Jilliam" but later dialogue windows label her as "Doctor Gilliam". Consider going through the dialogue and buttons to ensure the correct spelling of the name is consistent throughout the dialogue.
-The dialogue with Admiral Soto has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected. There are too many to itemize here in this report. Consider reviewing all the dialogue for these errors and correcting them.
-Check you map designs. You have several map elements that are too high or too low on the map. For example some of the doors the player must pass through are too high. The player can pass through them but the bottom of the door is above the floor and looks odd. There are also pieces of equipment that appear to be there as background detail but look odd because they are sunk into the floor.
-The dialogue with Q has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected. There are too many to itemize here in this report. Consider reviewing all the dialogue for these errors and correcting them.
-The dialogue on this map has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected. From this point forward I will note the maps with these issues and it will be up to you to go through the dialogue and correct it.
Gamma Margoulis System: This is a good map with simple battles but the dialogue needs work on spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that detract from the mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial warp sequence using Weather StarStreaks NorthSouth01 has always had issues and does not look right unless the player is traveling as full impulse. Consider reorienting the map to an East to West configuration and using the Weather StarStreaks WestEast01, which works regardless of the players speed.
-The dialogue on this map has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected.
Hanger Deck USS Olympic: The map design is good but some elements on the map are either too low or too high as indicated below. Your story dialogue has several spelling, grammatical and punctuation errors that need to be corrected. You need to go through all the story dialogue to correct these errors. I noted some major items to consider changing:
-Check you map designs. You have several map elements that are too high or too low on the map. For example in the medical section, most of the beds are too low in the floor and some are at different heights. In observation area all the benches are too low in the floor and the NPCs sitting on them are also too low. Additionally you have several doors that are too high, the player can get through them but they look odd.
-The mixture of TNG and TOS medical beds looks odd. Consider having one or the other but not both.
-The dialogue on this map has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected.
-There are too many "Lend a hand" tasks. The player ends up running back and forth across the map several times to complete tasks that do not appear to add anything to the story. Consider removing some of these tasks.
-The animation for the tasks where the player is retrieving supplies looks odd. Consider changing it to another animation where the player looks like they are kneeling and going through cabinet.
-The enemy mobs are out matched by the NPCs on the map. It is okay to have help from the ship's crew to engage the enemy mobs but on this map most of the enemy were destroyed before the player could get there to engage them.
Gamma Margoulis proximity: The map design is good, the battles are too easy and the story dialogue needs some work. There are several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected. I noted some major items to consider changing:
-The dialogue on this map has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected.
-The enemy mobs are out matched by the NPCs on the map. The player hardly engages the enemy units before they are all destroyed by NPCs.
RRW Illious Interior: This is a good map design with balanced battles and the story dialogue needs some work. There are several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The clearing debris tasks have no animation for the player and the player is too close when the debris is cleared with a blast. Consider moving the trigger location back further from the blast area and adding appropriate animation for the player.
-The dialogue on this map has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected.
Alpha Margoulis Maw: This is a good map design with balanced battles and the story dialogue needs some work. There are several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected. I noted one major item to consider changing:
-The dialogue on this map has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected.
Alpha Margoulis Subspace Array Interior: The map design is nice but needs a little work on some of the elements. The battles are well balanced and the story dialogue needs some work. There are several spelling, grammatical and punctuation errors that need to be corrected. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Check you map designs. You have some map elements that are too high or too low on the map. For example, there are some doors that appear to be slightly higher than the deck. There are some elements where Borg devices have been placed but they appear to pass through a wall and door, which makes it look odd.
-The dialogue on this map has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected.
Almost Heaven: This is a good map design with story dialogue that has a few spelling grammatical and capitalization errors. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Some of the dialogue on this map has spelling grammatical and capitalization errors which need to be looked at.
USS Oppenheimer Interior: The map design is nice but needs a little work on some of the elements and the story dialogue needs some work. There are some spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Check you map designs. You have several map elements that are too low on the map in relation to the floor. For example in the medical section, most of the beds are too low in the floor and some are at different heights.
-The mixture of TNG and TOS medical beds looks odd. Consider having one or the other but not both.
-The dialogue on this map has several spelling, grammatical, capitalization and punctuation errors that need to be corrected.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. The mission concept is good but you need to work on the execution of the mission a little more.
Brian
> lordarathron wrote: »
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> I have a newly released mission that could use some reviews. "[ICO] A Secret Weapon" by lordarathron is a fed mission for 60+level captains.
>
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> Hi Lordarathron,
>
> Thanks for the mission review request. Is this mission a Federation or Klingon mission? Also please let me know what the Project ID number is and an approximate play time. Your mission is currently 4th in the queue behind Logitech007.
>
> Thanks for authoring,
> Brian
I don't have the ID on hand, but it is a shorter mission. I'd estimate 15 min tops
Fun fact: I've been working on one of the maps since the middle of last year (holy moly it's been that long?).
Omnitabula: Beyond
ID: ST-HI9DF9DXR
Author: starfarertheta
Estimated Length: 60-90 minutes.
Faction: Starfleet
Level Requirement: 51+
Door: Risa
Description:
Everything comes together in this explosive conclusion of the Omnitabula trilogy. Discover the dark secret of the Xausean homeworld, achieve greater understanding of the nature of Enigma, and find the unexpected.
Thanks for the feedback Helixfungus. I understand about it being hard to get someone to spell check your work ahead of publishing. There are word processors available that will help you go through your dialogue. I also generally recommend a script if you have not already written one. This will help to keep your story straight while helping you keep the spelling and grammatical errors to a minimum.
Thanks again for authoring,
Brian
Thanks for the update Lordarathron. The ID makes it easier to find the mission but I should be able find it without.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi starfarertheta,
Welcome back to the queue. Your newest mission is currently 5th in the queue behind lordarathron. I will get to this mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - Shattering Ones Mirror
Author: Gromio
Allegiance: Federation or Romulan Republic
Project ID: ST-HCA80SL5R
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission with nice map designs, several tough battles and well written story dialogue over all. Despite the spelling and grammatical errors I would still recommend this mission to other players. The plot was good and the overall execution was well done, although I would not recommend it on Elite level.
Many of the battles in your mission were over powered or too numerous to really enjoy the story. You should consider reducing the total numbers on those maps and make sure they are not all high level mobs. On the Great Bloom map you did a great job with the friendly forces moving through the debris field and helping with the optional enemy engagements. It seemed as though you were trying to balance those battles to match the friendly forces combined with the player. In the end too many optional battles left no friendly forces to help with the massive wave at the end. Also I noted that when you had the Terran forces and the Doomsday machines they often fought each other. This is usually caused by the allegiance of the skinned forces. You can fix this by making them the same enemy mob allegiance but skinned as Doomsday machines.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing your note and update information to [OOC] dialogue so that information highlighted from the rest of the description.
-Consider making the mission start point [MissionInfo] dialogue so that it is clearly visible to the player.
-Just to be sure, would it be alpha quadrant vice beta quadrant forces?
Grant Mission Dialogue: There is nothing in the grant dialogue that makes the player want to click the 'Accept' button. You need to write something related to the story that will draw the player in and make them want to click that button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial mission task. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "At wolf 359" to read "At Wolf 359"
Mission Entry Prompt:
MAPS:
Bridge: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-It feels as if this map could be removed and the dialogue either placed as follow on to the grant dialogue or placed at the start of the next map.
-Consider changing the response button "That's emply space" to read "That's empty space".
BZK2A95 System: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "we were very carful" to read "we were very careful".
-Consider changing the response button "Keep telling yourslef that Blue" to read "Keep telling yourself that Blue".
-The Hail the U.S.S. Dragon dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]defense protocols initiated./OOC][/OOC]" to read "[OOC]defense protocols initiated[/OOC]".
-Consider changing some of the background ships from their default names to a specific name. It will give the player the feeling of being in the mission rather than having a bunch of filler ships taking up space.
Mirror universe Warzone: This is a nice map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The mission main task; consider changing "Famailar Face" to read "Familiar Face".
-The mission task; consider changing "Destroy Terran Straglers" to read "Destroy Terran Stragglers".
-The Hail the disabled flagship dialogue; consider changing the response button "i'm not here to fight you" to read "I'm not here to fight you".
-Consider changing the second response button "i'm from the federation. Do you requrie assistance" to read "I'm from the Federation. Do you require assistance".
-Consider changing "weapons were oproational" to read "weapons were operational".
-Consider changing the response button "I'm from a difrnet universe" to read "I'm from a different universe".
-Consider changing the dialogue "[OOC]YOu:[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]You:[/OOC]".
-Consider changing the response button "[A large object can be seen appraching in your sensors" to read "[A large object can be seen approaching in your sensors]".
A.K.S. D'regan Bridge: This is a nice map design with very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The enemy mobs overlap on the player’s spawn position, which make it very difficult to fight them. It took several respawns to finish the battles. Consider moving the enemy mobs further apart on the map or adding friendly units to help engage. Also consider not having the enemy mobs appear until after the initial dialogue is completed.
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "they were waiting unti you were" to read "they were waiting until you were".
-The map transfer dialogue response; consider changing "i have no intention of meeting my end here" to read "I have no intention of meeting my end here".
Romulan Boarder world: This is a good map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The enemy mobs are too close together so the player ends up engaging multiple units at the same time.
-I noted that the Doomsday Machines and the Terran ships also engage each other in the second round of combat. Consider changing them or as indicated above, move them farther apart.
-The Unknown Hail dialogue; consider changing "I've been montoring your" to read "I've been monitoring your".
-Consider changing "I belive you are telling" to read "I believe you are telling".
-Consider changing "permission to apprach" to read "permission to approach".
-Consider changing "Drop your sheilds" to read "Drop your shields".
-The Lleiset dialogue; consider changing "i must say though until you cam along we were just rying to get" to read "I must say though until you came along we were just trying to get".
-Consider changing "of solid Nutonium" to read "of solid neutronium".
-Consider changing the response button "I'm sorry thats classfied" to read "I'm sorry that's classified".
-Consider changing "i don't suppose" to read "I don't suppose".
-The Mo’Lariat dialogue; consider changing the response button "i'm here to discus" to read "I'm here to discuss".
-Consider changing "I don't belive you" to read "I don't believe you".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "I wnt to place" to read "I want to place".
Great Bloom: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are way too many enemy mobs to fight through to get to the enemy task on this map. I was destroyed several times and all of the supporting vessels were wiped out before we reached the objective battle. Consider removing some of the battles in the debris field and spreading the objective enemy mobs apart. Also remove the enemy mobs at the end that are not part of the required engagement.
-The end dialogue; consider changing "Exellent" to read "Excellent".
Consider changing "our ship is transphering power" to read "our ship is transferring power".
-Consider changing "Sheilds" to read "Shields".
-Consider changing "lifesupport" to read "life support".
-Consider changing "to bord the ship and turn it of at that end" to read "to board the ship and turn it off at that end".
-Consider changing the response button "Away team to Trnsporter room one" to read "Away team to transporter room one".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing the response button by putting a space between "options." and "Energize".
Crew Deck: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the mission task "Acses ships computer system" to read "Access ships computer system".
-The computer console button says "Interact" which is the default button. Consider changing it to "Access computer terminal".
-The computer access dialogue; consider changing "This is Actign captain Victoria RishisWho do you think you are!" to read "This is acting Captain Victoria Rishis. Who do you think you are?"
-Consider changing the response button "Intresting" to read "Interesting".
-Consider changing the response button "YOu have made yoursleves" to read "You have made yourselves".
-Consider changing the response button "Many have tired" to read "Many have tried".
-Consider changing the response button "Leave the consol and continue the mission" to read "Leave the console and continue the mission".
-The turbo lift is too close to the back wall with most of the gear showing in the lift. Consider moving the turbo lift further west away from the crates near that wall.
Enginering Deck: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name "Enginering Deck" to read "Engineering Deck".
-The Romulan Squad leader dialogue; consider changing "this seinor science oficer" to read "this senior science officer".
-Consider removing the hard return between "[MissionInfo]Rift[/MissionInfo]" and "[MissionInfo]Device[/Missioninfo]".
-Consider changing "here someowhere cordianting efforts" to read "here somewhere coordinating efforts".
-Consider changing "is the chief enginer" to read "is the chief engineer".
-Consider changing the response button "I'll be glad to get of this ship" to read "I'll be glad to get off this ship".
-Consider changing the mission task "Interrogate the chief enginer" to read "Interrogate the chief engineer".
-The chief engineer dialogue; consider changing "I'll have you throw into" to read "I'll have you thrown into".
-Consider changing "a filty Andorian" to read "a filthy Andorian".
-Consider changing the response button "Everyone Move" to read "Everyone move".
Terran Bridge: This is a good map design with a challenging battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Post battle dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]a near by consol[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]a nearby console[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]an emergcy force shield[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]an emergency force shield[/OOC]".
Mirror Romulus: This is a good map design with short but well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing some of the background ships from their default names to a specific name.
Arrival location: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The D'regan dialogue; consider changing "Congradulations are in order" to read "Congratulations are in order".
-Consider changing "your ships technolgy" to read "your ships technology".
-Consider changing "I belive in" to read "I believe in".
-Consider changing "Terran leadr you killed" to read "Terran leader you killed".
-Consider changing "depirved of my revnege" to read "deprived of my revenge".
-Consider changing "will fule my" to read "will fuel my".
-Consider changing the response button "Raise sheilds" to read "Raise shields".
-Consider changing the response button "Red Alert" to read "Red alert".
-The post Round two dialogue; consider changing "have the wrekage salavage" to read "have the wreckage salvage".
-The unknown ship dialogue; consider changing "all i need to do" to read "all I need to do".
-Consider changing "got into an escacpe pd" to read "got into an escape pod".
-Consider changing "[OOC]pentrating your shields[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]penetrating your shields[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]from the intensisty[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]from the intensity[/OOC]".
Consider changing "[OOC]tha you stare at the Citadel[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]that you are staring at the Citadel[/OOC]".
BZK2A95 System: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I feel like the mission could have ended on this map with some of the dialogue you have on the follow on map. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing the response button "This is going to be a long debrifing" to read "This is going to be a long debriefing".
U.S.S. Dragon: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider moving the spawn point further from the wall.
-Consider changing "[OOC]have been repeatative, and annoying[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]have been repetitive and annoying[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]They were attepemting to buy tiem to evacuate civilans[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]They were attempting to buy time to evacuate civilians[/OOC]"
-Consider changing "had acsess to cloning" to read "had access to cloning".
-Consider changing "I take it you dont need to be" to read "I take it you don't need to be".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian