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  • evil70thevil70th Member Posts: 1,017 Arc User
    edited December 2014
    Thanks for the review, and for the kind advices. Hope that you enjoyed the two parter.

    As always I am happy to be able to help. I did enjoy both part 1 and 2 in your series. Thank you for authoring your mission and releasing it in a language that is not your native one. You did a great job abd keep it up. ;)

    Brian
  • evil70thevil70th Member Posts: 1,017 Arc User
    edited December 2014
    I have a mission I would like you to review whenever possible:
    Title: Attumar: First Contact
    Author: Lordarathron
    Allegiance: Federation
    Any Level (Technically, but it is located at the Mutara Nebula, so you must be able to travel to the Gamma Orionis Sector Block)

    Federation Mission - Attumar: First Contact
    Author: Lordarathron
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID: ST-HJHJJM4KX


    Report Start


    Summary: This is a good mission with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling issues at all in this mission. There are some items listed on the maps below that need work but overall no real serious issues. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players who like the combination of a good story and maps with fun battles. You would like this mission.

    Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

    Mission Description: This is a very intriguing and well written description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

    Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

    Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

    Mission Entry Prompt: his is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

    MAPS:
    Holodeck: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
    -The Attumarian research console button is labeled "Interact" which is the default label for the button when no entry is made. Consider changing the button to read "Access research console".

    Attumar System: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
    -The North to South Weather Star Streak 01 effect does not function well at most speeds, except for full impulse. Consider changing the orientation of the map to a west to east configuration and then use the West to East Weather Star Streak 01 effect, which works at any speed.

    Attumar Prime: The map design was very detailed but some of the tasks and items need to be reworked. The story dialogue was detailed and well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -The scanning of 6 artifacts under the platform became repetitive and boring. Consider reducing it to no more than 2 artifacts followed by the post scan dialogue.
    -The scanning of 5 plants became repetitive and boring. Consider reducing it to no more than 2 plants followed by the post scan dialogue.
    -The trees that we scan were off the ground and looked odd. There is one that most likely would be used in a swamp as it has lily pads. The lily pads are sitting about 1 meter off the ground around the tree. Based on what I am seeing here I suspect you designed this map without using high detail terrain feature when you played it. Consider changing the resolution to high detail and then lowering both trees but particularly the one with the lily pads around it.

    Military HQ: The map design is okay and the dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
    -The map feels like it is larger than it needs to be. Several of the NPCs on the ground level are not doing anything except standing around. The ramp leading up to the Princess is a bit excessive and fully visible from the ground as hanging in the air. I can see you are trying to create a grand space for the story but consider using an existing map layout. Also give the NPCs tasks and use existing platforms for the Princess to stand on rather than building your own. It would look better.

    Attumar Forest: The map design is okay but needs a little rework. The battles were fun and the dialogue was well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -The tower and fortification being used for the Check in with Ranger Lamesh task is right up against a hill and needs to be moved to the southeast about 5 meters so it sits on flat ground.
    -The second task to Check in with Ranger Nevlix seems unnecessary to the story. Consider removing this task and move the Check in with Ranger Rizza to that location. This would alleviate the issue with the building and tower used in the task with the building buried half way into the hillside.
    -The third task Check in with Ranger Rizza needs to be moved to the location of the second task and remove the second task. Where this task currently sits is on a hillside, which causes the building to be buried halfway into the hillside and the tower does not sit flat.

    Research Station Gamma: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
    -The darkness of the map makes it difficult to see much. Consider lightening up the map a little more to give the player a better sense of their surroundings.

    Unknown Location: This is a good map design with a very ethereal look to it. The dialogue was well written but felt a little rushed as if you were trying to end the story too quickly. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.


    End Report


    Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
    Brian


    This critique report also filed 12/24/2014 on forum posting for: Lordarathron's Foundry Missions.
  • evil70thevil70th Member Posts: 1,017 Arc User
    edited December 2014
    nrobbiec wrote: »
    I would like to submit my mission, it's my first attempt at the foundry for well over a year.

    The Winter of Discontent
    ST-HGI4VS2ZD
    Fed mission
    Level 35+

    "A secret distress call unveils a crisis on Andoria, the uprising of a dangerous cult is bringing with it a terror that threatens to destroy the Andorians but will it stop there? Do you break the Prime Directive in order to save it?

    Missions features heavy combat both ground and space as well as branching dialogue.

    Single player only to avoid spawns messing up."

    Federation Mission - The Winter of Discontent
    Author: nrobbiec
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID: ST-HGI4VS2ZD


    Report Start


    Summary: This is a good mission with nice map designs, some pretty tough battles and well written story dialogue. I would recommend this mission to other players although not on Advanced or Elite levels. ;)

    The story dialogue needs a little work put into explaining who the cult is and what they hope to achieve. There are places in the initial maps where the player can dig deeper into the information but it is not really part of the main story. Consider using a different approach by making the cults goals and main people a part of the general story dialogue. By doing this you make it more readily available to the player. You can offset this change by creating a "Skip dialogue and provide a summary" button for the player to use. In the summary you provide the player with the needed information to complete the mission and have it make sense.

    On the "I.G.V. Hravishran" map there is a mention of the problem with the cult being a "Prime Directive" issue. In my opinion, this would actually be an internal affair for the Andorian government to deal with rather than a Prime Directive issue. Your own dialogue response from the player indicates that it is an internal affair. I believe your usage is mistakenly focused on one of the 47 sub-orders that prohibit "Interfering in the internal affairs of a society"; however this would not apply to a member state of the Federation. Despite being the cornerstone of Federation philosophy the Prime Directive, by virtue of joining the United Federation of Planets, member planets are subject to its laws, regulations and authority. Therefore Andoria would be excluded from its coverage. My source for this information is Memory Alpha - Prime Directive. The argument can be made that the cult's violence against Andorian citizens is a revolt against the recognized government of Andoria, which means the Federation and Starfleet can intervene. So there would be your story point. :)

    Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

    Mission Description: The description is a nice start but you should consider adding a little more story. You want to draw the player in so they want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

    Grant Mission Dialogue: This grant dialogue seems odd and seemed a little rushed. The hidden distress call did not make any sense. If someone was sending a distress call they would want to be detected. Consider rewriting this portion to be more a part of the story that follows on the first map. You need something that gives the player a reason to click the 'Accept' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

    Mission Task: The initial task is good and I noted no spelling errors with this task.

    Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

    MAPS:
    Andoria System: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider changing the invisible object label to read "Scan for signal" or make it a larger object. The visibility of the object on the edge of the screen labeled "Invisible Object" looked odd and out of place.
    -Consider replacing the use of "[Rank]" in the dialogue with "Captain" instead. This allows the player to serve in a position to support someone of lesser rank but who may, for example, be captain of a ship or in charge of a landing party.

    I.G.V. Hravishran: This is a nice map design with some tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -In the dialogue the player clearly indicates that the issue would be an internal matter for the Andorian government vice a violation of the Prime Directive. I will discuss this in the summary above.
    -Consider replacing the use of "[Rank]" in the dialogue with "Captain" instead.
    -Consider adding respawn points deeper in the map.
    -Consider making the "Ritchek th'Orrik" dialogue triggered dialogue that occurs when the player nears the detention cells.

    Andoria: This is a nice map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider adding triggered dialogue to completion of a couple of the "Comb the Ice for Clues" task. It could be something from one of the BOFFs explaining what they just looked at. Otherwise the player is just running around scanning clues.
    -There is an issue with the blue anomaly used for two of the clues. The anomaly vanished after the first scan but remained following the last scan, which seemed odd. Consider making the anomaly effect for two of the clues both disappear or both remain.
    -Consider changing the appearance of the "Ghosts" to be triggered based on completion of the "Find the Warzone" task in the mission story. The player would read the dialogue and then decide if they wanted to engage the enemy. During the map I ran towards the location of the task but spotted the fighting before getting there and consequently engaged the enemy.

    Temple of the Weyoh: This is a nice map design with some tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider adding respawn points deeper in the map.
    -Consider making the "Paol th'Aurrez" dialogue triggered dialogue that occurs when the player nears that chamber.
    -Consider making the "Yokub th'Ilas" dialogue triggered dialogue that occurs when the player nears that chamber.

    Altar of the Weyoh: This is a nice map design with some tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider adding respawn points deeper in the map.
    -Consider making the "Imha zh'Lell" dialogue triggered dialogue that occurs when the player nears that chamber.

    Andoria System: This is good map design with a tough but fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider replacing the use of "[Rank]" in the dialogue with "Captain" instead.
    -The final dialogue response button; consider changing "Godbye" to read "Goodbye".


    End Report


    Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
    Brian

    This critique report also filed 12/30/2014 on forum posting for: The Winter of Discontent.
  • psycoticvulcanpsycoticvulcan Member Posts: 4,160 Arc User
    edited December 2014
    I released my first Foundry mission a few days ago, and while the reviews have been fairly positive so far I'd love to get some detailed feedback! :D

    Mission Name: The Sentinels of Andor
    Author: @ThePsycoticVulcan
    Minimum Level: 31+
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID: ST-HUMZ4D6YH
    Estimated Mission Length: About an hour, if you read all the dialogue

    It's already through the review phase, by the way, so you have to go into "Browse All" to find it.

    Thank you!
    NJ9oXSO.png
    "Critics who say that the optimistic utopia Star Trek depicted is now outmoded forget the cultural context that gave birth to it: Star Trek was not a manifestation of optimism when optimism was easy. Star Trek declared a hope for a future that nobody stuck in the present could believe in. For all our struggles today, we haven’t outgrown the need for stories like Star Trek. We need tales of optimism, of heroes, of courage and goodness now as much as we’ve ever needed them."
    -Thomas Marrone
  • evil70thevil70th Member Posts: 1,017 Arc User
    edited January 2015
    I released my first Foundry mission a few days ago, and while the reviews have been fairly positive so far I'd love to get some detailed feedback! :D

    Mission Name: The Sentinels of Andor
    Author: @ThePsycoticVulcan
    Minimum Level: 31+
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID: ST-HUMZ4D6YH
    Estimated Mission Length: About an hour, if you read all the dialogue

    It's already through the review phase, by the way, so you have to go into "Browse All" to find it.

    Thank you!

    Hi PsycoticVulcan,

    Welcome to the Foundry and the queue. Your mission is 4th in the queue behind spankminister. I will get to your review as soon as I can.

    Thanks for authoring,
    Brian
  • evil70thevil70th Member Posts: 1,017 Arc User
    edited January 2015
    dean962 wrote: »
    Can you review a mission I've just made?

    Mission Name: Mirror Uprising
    Author:dean962
    Minimum Level: 31+
    Faction: Federation
    ID: ST-HMUCH82GE
    Estimated Length: 30 min or longer

    I intend this to be the first of a 3 part series. I hope you'll like it.

    Federation Mission - Mirror Uprising
    Author: dean962
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID: ST-HMUCH82GE


    Report Start


    Summary: The mission premise is very good but needs a little work on the layout of the story. The map designs are really good, the battles are pretty tough throughout and the story dialogue is well written. With the dialogue corrections I made below the story will be much more enjoyable. I would recommend this mission to other players despite some of the errors and the need for improving the story layout. It was still a nice mission to play and you should create a forum entry for the series.

    I mention the story layout above and in the maps below. After playing the mission it is apparent that you intended it as an immersion mission with the player becoming a part of the mirror universe. That is an excellent premise for a mission but just needs a little more tweaking. You should consider rewriting the description to describe it as an immersion mission. This is where you let the player know the basics of the story. They will be a fighter in the rebellion against the empire in the mirror universe. Once you have established the premise in the description you bring it to life in the grant dialogue with the story. You would also move recommended costume changes to the description but most players will not go through the effort. I would also cut it down to a general description such as "Recommend changing costumes for you and BOFFs to mercenary style for the mission". Then the player can decide before the mission starts to change or not. As for the recommendation to use Captain vice Commander in the dialogue that is up to you. Since the mission is to take place in the mirror universe you can use either one. I usually recommend the use of Captain in the dialogue because it can be subordinate despite the player's actual rank. It is also a specific position for a player who is the commanding officer of a starship. So it is up to you.

    Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

    Mission Description: The description is good but after playing through the entire mission it appears this is an immersion mission. Your goal should be to make the player feel like they are a part of the rebellion in the mirror universe. With that in mind you need to rewrite the entire description to draw the player into your story. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider changing "will the gaxaly's hope for freedom be crushed woth all those" to read "Will the galaxy's hope for freedom be crushed with those".
    -Consider changing the "Note" to [OOC] dialogue so it stands out from the description.
    -Consider adding the start location of the first custom map as [MissionInfo] dialogue.

    Grant Mission Dialogue: The initial grant and follow on dialogue needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider changing "Commander, we're recieving an emergency signal from HQ" to read "Captain, we're receiving an emergency signal".
    -Consider changing "Shall I put it thourgh" to read "Shall I put it through".
    -Consider changing "They have sent a strik force to destroy us" to read "They are sending a strike force to destroy us".
    -Consider changing "To any rebel ship or sympathizer ship we need your help defending the base so we can evacuate it" to read "We need help defending the base until it is evacuated".
    -Consider changing "Please responed" to read "Please respond".
    -Consider changing the response button "Helm set a course for the Zaria system. Engage" to read "Helm set course for the Zaria system and engage at maximum warp".
    -Consider changing the dialogue referring to the rebel uniform to a "Note" as [OOC] dialogue. The way it is currently done it looks odd.

    Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

    Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted one item to consider changing:
    -Consider changing "Commander" to read "Captain".

    MAPS:
    Rebel System: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider changing the task "Aproch Rebel Fleet" to read "Approach Rebel Fleet".
    -Consider changing "It's good to see you Commander [LastName]" to read "It's good to see you Captain [LastName]"
    -Consider changing "We've alrighty started to evacuate the base, but progress so slow moving" to read "We've already begun the evacuation of the base but progress is slow".
    -Since I am not able to read all branching dialogues consider checking them for spelling and grammatical errors.
    -Consider changing "Commander" to read "Captain" throughout the dialogue.
    -The post Hold off Terran Fleet task dialogue; consider changing "Their heading for the base" to read "They're heading for the base".
    -Consider changing the response button "Intercept now" to read "Plot and intercept course and engage".
    -Consider changing the task "Destory Terran Ship" to read "Destroy Terran Ship".
    -The post Destory Terran Ship dialogue; consider changing "Target destoryed" to read "Target destroyed".
    -Consider changing "Sir another Terran ship imbound, their firing weapons" to read "Captain, another Terran ship inbound, they're firing weapons".
    -The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Incoming bourding parties" to read "Incoming boarding parties".
    -Consider changing the response button "To anyone left alive prepare to defend yourselves" to read "All hands this is the Captain, prepare to repel boarders".

    Bridge: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider changing the task "Defeat bourding party" to read "Defeat boarding parties".
    -Consider changing "Commander" to read "Captain" throughout the dialogue.
    -The post Defeat bourding party task dialogue; consider changing "We've mange to secure engineering. But we'll need time to restore main power" to read "We've managed to secure engineering but we'll need time to restore main power".

    Rebel System: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -The post Pay back task dialogue; consider changing "Target destroyed sir" to read "Target destroyed Captain".
    -Consider changing "I suggest returning to the fleet" to read "I suggest we return to the fleet".
    -Consider changing the response button "Lay in a course" to read "Lay in a course and engage".
    -The post Defeat Terran Ships task dialogue; consider changing "Commander we're recieving a distress signal from the Liberator" to read "Captain, we're receiving a distress signal from the Liberator".
    -Consider changing "We've been disabled and have been bourded" to read "We've been disabled and boarded".
    -Consider changing "Requesting immadiate asst-" to read "Requesting immediate assit-"
    -Consider changing the response button "Take us with in transporter range of the Liberator" to read "Take us within transporter range of the Liberator".
    -Consider changing the task "get to the liberator" to read "Get to the Liberator".
    -Consider changing the damaged ship currently labeled "Federation Cruiser 4 Galaxy" to read "Liberator".
    -The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "heavy weapons fire we're gona have to beam" to read "heavy weapons fire we're going to have to beam".

    Liberator deck 15: This is a good map design with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider changing the task "talk to Commander Kolar" to read "Talk to Commander Kolar".
    -Consider changing "Commander" to read "Captain" throughout the dialogue.
    -Consider changing the response button "It's good to you too. Commander Kolar" to read "It's good to see you too Commander Kolar".
    -Consider changing "I'm still tring to figure out how you mange to disable that Terran Dreadnought without so much as fire a shot" to read "I'm still trying to figure out how you managed to disable a Terran dreadnought without firing a shot".
    -Consider changing the response button "If your still tring to figure it out. TheN I'd just give up. Cuase I'm never tellin" to read "If you're still trying to figure it out then you should just give up because I'll never tell".
    -Consider changing "How come on can't you-" to read "Why won't you tell-".
    -Consider changing "Commanders I know your reminisceing and all. But I do believe we are still in the middle of a life or death situation" to read "Pardon the interruption but we are still surrounded by enemy forces".
    -Consider changing the response button "Your no fun" to read "You're no fun".
    -Consider changing "But he is right" to read "But your officer is right". This would read better if the player has a female as the BOFF.

    Liberator Engineering: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I liked the way you set up the Commander T'lan group to patrol to engineering and assist in the fighting. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider changing the task "talk to Commander T'lan" to read "Talk to Commander T'lan".
    -Consider changing "another group of rebels up ahead sir" to read "There is another group of rebels ahead".
    -Consider changing "It's good to see other Rebels here. Espicialy you" to read "It's good to see more rebels but especially you".
    -Consider changing "Anyone who is a pain the Empire's rearside is a friend of my" to read "Anyone who is as big a pain in the neck to the Empire as you have been is a friend of mine".
    -Consider changing the response button "If any one's a pain in the neck For the Empire it be Captain David" to read "If anyone has been a pain in the neck for the Empire it would be Captain David".
    -Consider changing "I agree. But enough smaall talk. We got a ship to retake" to read "Agreed but enough small talk; we've got a ship to retake".
    -Consider changing "And to do that we must take back Engineering and restore main power" to read "We must retake engineering and restore main power".
    -Consider changing the task "get to engineering" to read "Get to engineering".
    -Consider changing the task "defeat terrans" to read "Defeat Terran forces".
    -Consider changing "Me and my team will cover your back" to read "My team and I will cover your back".
    -Consider changing the task "restore power to engines" to read "Restore power to engines".
    -Consider changing the console button from the default "Interact" to read "Access console".
    -Consider changing the task "more terrans" to read "More Terran forces".
    -Consider changing the task "restore power to weapons" to read "Restore power to weapons".
    -Consider changing the console button from the default "Interact" to read "Access console".
    -Consider changing the task "terrans again" to read "Terran forces again".
    -Consider changing the task "restore power to shields" to read "Restore power to shields".
    -Consider changing the console button from the default "Interact" to read "Access console".
    -The post restore power to shields task dialogue; consider changing "any more Terran bourding parties beaming abourd, just the ones alrighty here" to read "anymore Terran boarding parties beaming aboard, just the ones already here".
    -Consider changing "Me and my team will stay and try to maintain things here" to read "My team and I will keep engineering secured".
    -The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Ready to go sir" to read "Ready to go Captain".
    -Consider changing the map transfer response button from the default "Go to Next Map" to read "Let's go".

    Liberator: deck 5: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I liked the way you set up the Commander Thorn group to patrol to the armory and assist in the fighting. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider changing "We're almost their sir" to read "We're almost there sir".
    -Consider changing "Rebels up ahead. And some of them are Terrans" to read "More rebels ahead and some are Terran".
    -Consider changing "Commander [LastName]. Your reputation procedds you" to read "Captain [LastName], your reputation precedes you".
    -Consider changing "Good to finaly meet you" to read "Good to finally meet you".
    -Consider changing the response button "It's rare to meet a fellow Terran in the Rbbelion (Human)" to read "It's rare to meet a fellow Terran in the rebellion (Human)".
    -The entire dialogue starting with "Yes it is" contains several spelling, grammatical errors, run on sentences and needs to be rewritten.
    -The entire dialogue starting with "But enough of that" contains several spelling, grammatical errors, run on sentences and needs to be rewritten.
    -Consider changing the response button "Then Suggest we take it back" to read "Then I would suggest we take it back".
    -When the fighting group of Commander Thorn appears the original group remains. Consider checking the state of the group to ensure it is set to disappear once the task is completed.
    -Consider changing the task "get to the armory" to read "Get to the armory".
    -Consider changing the task "defeat terrans" to read "Defeat Terran forces".
    -The post defeat terrans dialogue; consider changing "no one does something stupid" to read "the armory is secure".
    -The map transfer dialogue and response button are both "Go to the Next Map". Consider changing them to read "We are ready to go to the bridge" and "Let's go".

    Liberator: Bridge: This is a good map design with a very tough battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider changing the task "get to the bridge" to read "Get to the Bridge".
    -Consider changing "Finaly the bridge" to read "Finally the bridge".
    -The post get to the bridge task dialogue; consider changing "Your too late rebel scum" to read "You're too late rebel scum".
    -Consider changing the response button "I would't call describe us as pathitic after all you lost a large portion of your attack forces to us" to read "I wouldn't call us pathetic since you lost most of your attack force to us".
    -Consider changing "I admit my surpiors underestimated your forces here. But you are still doomed. Without your leader your rebbelion well die" to read "I admit my superiors underestimated your forces in this system, but without your leader the rebellion is doomed".
    -Consider changing "To bad too, your quit goodlooken" to read "To bad too, you're quite good looking".
    -Consider changing the task "defeat the terran commander" to read "Defeat the Terran Commander".
    -The post defeat the terran commander task dialogue; consider changing "Thank you for saveing us" to read "Thank you for saving us".
    -Consider changing "Assumeing we still have one that is" to read "Assuming we still have one".
    -The Check Captain David task was difficult to complete. I noted Captain David was lying on the floor in front of the Captains chair when the fighting started. By the time the task was initiated his body was gone. It is possible that the NPC was destroyed in the battle for the bridge. I had to leave the map and reenter the mission to get the body to return. In that battle I tried to keep the fighting way from the NPC. This could be an issue for other players. Consider using an invisible object vice the NPC that becomes available once the Check Captain David task has started.
    -The Check Captain David task dialogue; consider changing "I'm geussing that's it bad. Isn't it" to read "I'm guessing it's pretty bad, isn't it?"
    -Consider changing "[OOC]You check his wound . You alrighty know he's doomed[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]You check his wound and know he's doomed[/OOC]".
    -Consider changing "Sir I've just received a report of a final Terran asssualt wave imbound" to read "Captain, there is a final Terran assault wave inbound".

    Rebel System: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider changing the task "defeat the last terran wave" to read "Defeat the last Terran wave".
    -Consider changing the appearance of the Terran assault wave to be triggered by the player as you did on the first map. The initial dialogue pops up stating "Here they come" when they are already there.
    -The post defeat the last terran wave task dialogue; consider changing "The Terran assualt fleet as been destroyed" to read "The entire Terran assault fleet has been destroyed"
    -Consider changing "Commander" to read "Captain" throughout the dialogue.
    -Consider changing "Commander [LastName] that Terran we captured as escaped and stolen a shuttle craft" to read "Captain [LastName], the Terran we captured has stolen a shuttle craft and escaped".
    -Consider changing "We are unable to retreive it" to read "We are unable to get a tractor beam locked on to it".
    -Consider changing "you will not be so fortunaty" to read "you will not be so fortunate".
    -Consider changing the response button "Tarctor her now" to read "Get a tractor beam locked on to that shuttle now".
    -Consider changing "It's to late she's gone to warp" to read "It's too late, she's gone to warp".
    -Consider changing the response button "I'm getting the feeling that we'll see her again" to read "I get the feeling that we'll be seeing her again"


    End Report


    Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a nice job developing this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work and this series in the future.
    Brian
  • logitech007logitech007 Member Posts: 148 Arc User
    edited January 2015
    Hey Evil70th, i have 2 new missions for your review. The information is listed below

    Mission Name: The Covenant Part 3----Still in the review tab
    Author: Logitech007
    Minimum Level: 31+
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID: ST-HGU68TMQK
    Estimated Mission Length: About 45 minutes give or take
    Story Description: You have finished your treatment from the brain washing you had received at the hands of the Covenant. The battle rages on between Good and evil. One last battle has begun. Will the Covenant threat continue or will it end. Will it be a happy conclusion?

    Starting Location: The door just below the transporter room, on the main concourse of Earth Space dock.
    ____________________________________________________________________

    Mission Name: Rising from the Ashes part 1---Can be found under Browse all
    Author: Logitech007
    Minimum Level: 31+
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID: ST-HJQAATP3J
    Estimated Mission Length: About 45 to an hour give or take.
    Story Description: Admiral Jeff White assigns you to help the USS Nova investigate a newly found planet in a remote system in the Bassen Rift. But what is found will surprise you and your crew. You will meet an Ancient and blossoming Civilization. But when you get there, there are dark shadows on the horizon. Will you and your crew withstand these dark shadows or will they become one with these dark shadows?

    Starting location: The door at Starfleet Academy at the end of the corridor of building 2.


    Thank you for taking your time to review and to play my two missions.

    Thank you
    Logitech007
    Logitech007
  • dean962dean962 Member Posts: 16 Arc User
    edited January 2015
    evil70th wrote: »
    Federation Mission - Mirror Uprising
    Author: dean962
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID: ST-HMUCH82GE


    Report Start


    Summary: The mission premise is very good but needs a little work on the layout of the story. The map designs are really good, the battles are pretty tough throughout and the story dialogue is well written. With the dialogue corrections I made below the story will be much more enjoyable. I would recommend this mission to other players despite some of the errors and the need for improving the story layout. It was still a nice mission to play and you should create a forum entry for the series.

    I mention the story layout above and in the maps below. After playing the mission it is apparent that you intended it as an immersion mission with the player becoming a part of the mirror universe. That is an excellent premise for a mission but just needs a little more tweaking. You should consider rewriting the description to describe it as an immersion mission. This is where you let the player know the basics of the story. They will be a fighter in the rebellion against the empire in the mirror universe. Once you have established the premise in the description you bring it to life in the grant dialogue with the story. You would also move recommended costume changes to the description but most players will not go through the effort. I would also cut it down to a general description such as "Recommend changing costumes for you and BOFFs to mercenary style for the mission". Then the player can decide before the mission starts to change or not. As for the recommendation to use Captain vice Commander in the dialogue that is up to you. Since the mission is to take place in the mirror universe you can use either one. I usually recommend the use of Captain in the dialogue because it can be subordinate despite the player's actual rank. It is also a specific position for a player who is the commanding officer of a starship. So it is up to you.

    Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

    Mission Description: The description is good but after playing through the entire mission it appears this is an immersion mission. Your goal should be to make the player feel like they are a part of the rebellion in the mirror universe. With that in mind you need to rewrite the entire description to draw the player into your story. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider changing "will the gaxaly's hope for freedom be crushed woth all those" to read "Will the galaxy's hope for freedom be crushed with those".
    -Consider changing the "Note" to [OOC] dialogue so it stands out from the description.
    -Consider adding the start location of the first custom map as [MissionInfo] dialogue.

    Grant Mission Dialogue: The initial grant and follow on dialogue needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider changing "Commander, we're recieving an emergency signal from HQ" to read "Captain, we're receiving an emergency signal".
    -Consider changing "Shall I put it thourgh" to read "Shall I put it through".
    -Consider changing "They have sent a strik force to destroy us" to read "They are sending a strike force to destroy us".
    -Consider changing "To any rebel ship or sympathizer ship we need your help defending the base so we can evacuate it" to read "We need help defending the base until it is evacuated".
    -Consider changing "Please responed" to read "Please respond".
    -Consider changing the response button "Helm set a course for the Zaria system. Engage" to read "Helm set course for the Zaria system and engage at maximum warp".
    -Consider changing the dialogue referring to the rebel uniform to a "Note" as [OOC] dialogue. The way it is currently done it looks odd.

    Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

    Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted one item to consider changing:
    -Consider changing "Commander" to read "Captain".

    MAPS:
    Rebel System: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider changing the task "Aproch Rebel Fleet" to read "Approach Rebel Fleet".
    -Consider changing "It's good to see you Commander [LastName]" to read "It's good to see you Captain [LastName]"
    -Consider changing "We've alrighty started to evacuate the base, but progress so slow moving" to read "We've already begun the evacuation of the base but progress is slow".
    -Since I am not able to read all branching dialogues consider checking them for spelling and grammatical errors.
    -Consider changing "Commander" to read "Captain" throughout the dialogue.
    -The post Hold off Terran Fleet task dialogue; consider changing "Their heading for the base" to read "They're heading for the base".
    -Consider changing the response button "Intercept now" to read "Plot and intercept course and engage".
    -Consider changing the task "Destory Terran Ship" to read "Destroy Terran Ship".
    -The post Destory Terran Ship dialogue; consider changing "Target destoryed" to read "Target destroyed".
    -Consider changing "Sir another Terran ship imbound, their firing weapons" to read "Captain, another Terran ship inbound, they're firing weapons".
    -The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Incoming bourding parties" to read "Incoming boarding parties".
    -Consider changing the response button "To anyone left alive prepare to defend yourselves" to read "All hands this is the Captain, prepare to repel boarders".

    Bridge: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider changing the task "Defeat bourding party" to read "Defeat boarding parties".
    -Consider changing "Commander" to read "Captain" throughout the dialogue.
    -The post Defeat bourding party task dialogue; consider changing "We've mange to secure engineering. But we'll need time to restore main power" to read "We've managed to secure engineering but we'll need time to restore main power".

    Rebel System: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -The post Pay back task dialogue; consider changing "Target destroyed sir" to read "Target destroyed Captain".
    -Consider changing "I suggest returning to the fleet" to read "I suggest we return to the fleet".
    -Consider changing the response button "Lay in a course" to read "Lay in a course and engage".
    -The post Defeat Terran Ships task dialogue; consider changing "Commander we're recieving a distress signal from the Liberator" to read "Captain, we're receiving a distress signal from the Liberator".
    -Consider changing "We've been disabled and have been bourded" to read "We've been disabled and boarded".
    -Consider changing "Requesting immadiate asst-" to read "Requesting immediate assit-"
    -Consider changing the response button "Take us with in transporter range of the Liberator" to read "Take us within transporter range of the Liberator".
    -Consider changing the task "get to the liberator" to read "Get to the Liberator".
    -Consider changing the damaged ship currently labeled "Federation Cruiser 4 Galaxy" to read "Liberator".
    -The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "heavy weapons fire we're gona have to beam" to read "heavy weapons fire we're going to have to beam".

    Liberator deck 15: This is a good map design with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider changing the task "talk to Commander Kolar" to read "Talk to Commander Kolar".
    -Consider changing "Commander" to read "Captain" throughout the dialogue.
    -Consider changing the response button "It's good to you too. Commander Kolar" to read "It's good to see you too Commander Kolar".
    -Consider changing "I'm still tring to figure out how you mange to disable that Terran Dreadnought without so much as fire a shot" to read "I'm still trying to figure out how you managed to disable a Terran dreadnought without firing a shot".
    -Consider changing the response button "If your still tring to figure it out. TheN I'd just give up. Cuase I'm never tellin" to read "If you're still trying to figure it out then you should just give up because I'll never tell".
    -Consider changing "How come on can't you-" to read "Why won't you tell-".
    -Consider changing "Commanders I know your reminisceing and all. But I do believe we are still in the middle of a life or death situation" to read "Pardon the interruption but we are still surrounded by enemy forces".
    -Consider changing the response button "Your no fun" to read "You're no fun".
    -Consider changing "But he is right" to read "But your officer is right". This would read better if the player has a female as the BOFF.

    Liberator Engineering: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I liked the way you set up the Commander T'lan group to patrol to engineering and assist in the fighting. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider changing the task "talk to Commander T'lan" to read "Talk to Commander T'lan".
    -Consider changing "another group of rebels up ahead sir" to read "There is another group of rebels ahead".
    -Consider changing "It's good to see other Rebels here. Espicialy you" to read "It's good to see more rebels but especially you".
    -Consider changing "Anyone who is a pain the Empire's rearside is a friend of my" to read "Anyone who is as big a pain in the neck to the Empire as you have been is a friend of mine".
    -Consider changing the response button "If any one's a pain in the neck For the Empire it be Captain David" to read "If anyone has been a pain in the neck for the Empire it would be Captain David".
    -Consider changing "I agree. But enough smaall talk. We got a ship to retake" to read "Agreed but enough small talk; we've got a ship to retake".
    -Consider changing "And to do that we must take back Engineering and restore main power" to read "We must retake engineering and restore main power".
    -Consider changing the task "get to engineering" to read "Get to engineering".
    -Consider changing the task "defeat terrans" to read "Defeat Terran forces".
    -Consider changing "Me and my team will cover your back" to read "My team and I will cover your back".
    -Consider changing the task "restore power to engines" to read "Restore power to engines".
    -Consider changing the console button from the default "Interact" to read "Access console".
    -Consider changing the task "more terrans" to read "More Terran forces".
    -Consider changing the task "restore power to weapons" to read "Restore power to weapons".
    -Consider changing the console button from the default "Interact" to read "Access console".
    -Consider changing the task "terrans again" to read "Terran forces again".
    -Consider changing the task "restore power to shields" to read "Restore power to shields".
    -Consider changing the console button from the default "Interact" to read "Access console".
    -The post restore power to shields task dialogue; consider changing "any more Terran bourding parties beaming abourd, just the ones alrighty here" to read "anymore Terran boarding parties beaming aboard, just the ones already here".
    -Consider changing "Me and my team will stay and try to maintain things here" to read "My team and I will keep engineering secured".
    -The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Ready to go sir" to read "Ready to go Captain".
    -Consider changing the map transfer response button from the default "Go to Next Map" to read "Let's go".

    Liberator: deck 5: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I liked the way you set up the Commander Thorn group to patrol to the armory and assist in the fighting. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider changing "We're almost their sir" to read "We're almost there sir".
    -Consider changing "Rebels up ahead. And some of them are Terrans" to read "More rebels ahead and some are Terran".
    -Consider changing "Commander [LastName]. Your reputation procedds you" to read "Captain [LastName], your reputation precedes you".
    -Consider changing "Good to finaly meet you" to read "Good to finally meet you".
    -Consider changing the response button "It's rare to meet a fellow Terran in the Rbbelion (Human)" to read "It's rare to meet a fellow Terran in the rebellion (Human)".
    -The entire dialogue starting with "Yes it is" contains several spelling, grammatical errors, run on sentences and needs to be rewritten.
    -The entire dialogue starting with "But enough of that" contains several spelling, grammatical errors, run on sentences and needs to be rewritten.
    -Consider changing the response button "Then Suggest we take it back" to read "Then I would suggest we take it back".
    -When the fighting group of Commander Thorn appears the original group remains. Consider checking the state of the group to ensure it is set to disappear once the task is completed.
    -Consider changing the task "get to the armory" to read "Get to the armory".
    -Consider changing the task "defeat terrans" to read "Defeat Terran forces".
    -The post defeat terrans dialogue; consider changing "no one does something stupid" to read "the armory is secure".
    -The map transfer dialogue and response button are both "Go to the Next Map". Consider changing them to read "We are ready to go to the bridge" and "Let's go".

    Liberator: Bridge: This is a good map design with a very tough battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider changing the task "get to the bridge" to read "Get to the Bridge".
    -Consider changing "Finaly the bridge" to read "Finally the bridge".
    -The post get to the bridge task dialogue; consider changing "Your too late rebel scum" to read "You're too late rebel scum".
    -Consider changing the response button "I would't call describe us as pathitic after all you lost a large portion of your attack forces to us" to read "I wouldn't call us pathetic since you lost most of your attack force to us".
    -Consider changing "I admit my surpiors underestimated your forces here. But you are still doomed. Without your leader your rebbelion well die" to read "I admit my superiors underestimated your forces in this system, but without your leader the rebellion is doomed".
    -Consider changing "To bad too, your quit goodlooken" to read "To bad too, you're quite good looking".
    -Consider changing the task "defeat the terran commander" to read "Defeat the Terran Commander".
    -The post defeat the terran commander task dialogue; consider changing "Thank you for saveing us" to read "Thank you for saving us".
    -Consider changing "Assumeing we still have one that is" to read "Assuming we still have one".
    -The Check Captain David task was difficult to complete. I noted Captain David was lying on the floor in front of the Captains chair when the fighting started. By the time the task was initiated his body was gone. It is possible that the NPC was destroyed in the battle for the bridge. I had to leave the map and reenter the mission to get the body to return. In that battle I tried to keep the fighting way from the NPC. This could be an issue for other players. Consider using an invisible object vice the NPC that becomes available once the Check Captain David task has started.
    -The Check Captain David task dialogue; consider changing "I'm geussing that's it bad. Isn't it" to read "I'm guessing it's pretty bad, isn't it?"
    -Consider changing "[OOC]You check his wound . You alrighty know he's doomed[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]You check his wound and know he's doomed[/OOC]".
    -Consider changing "Sir I've just received a report of a final Terran asssualt wave imbound" to read "Captain, there is a final Terran assault wave inbound".

    Rebel System: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider changing the task "defeat the last terran wave" to read "Defeat the last Terran wave".
    -Consider changing the appearance of the Terran assault wave to be triggered by the player as you did on the first map. The initial dialogue pops up stating "Here they come" when they are already there.
    -The post defeat the last terran wave task dialogue; consider changing "The Terran assualt fleet as been destroyed" to read "The entire Terran assault fleet has been destroyed"
    -Consider changing "Commander" to read "Captain" throughout the dialogue.
    -Consider changing "Commander [LastName] that Terran we captured as escaped and stolen a shuttle craft" to read "Captain [LastName], the Terran we captured has stolen a shuttle craft and escaped".
    -Consider changing "We are unable to retreive it" to read "We are unable to get a tractor beam locked on to it".
    -Consider changing "you will not be so fortunaty" to read "you will not be so fortunate".
    -Consider changing the response button "Tarctor her now" to read "Get a tractor beam locked on to that shuttle now".
    -Consider changing "It's to late she's gone to warp" to read "It's too late, she's gone to warp".
    -Consider changing the response button "I'm getting the feeling that we'll see her again" to read "I get the feeling that we'll be seeing her again"


    End Report


    Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a nice job developing this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work and this series in the future.
    Brian

    Thinks for the review. I'll be sure to work on my mission soon. Is there anything else you recommend about it?
  • evil70thevil70th Member Posts: 1,017 Arc User
    edited January 2015
    Hey Evil70th, i have 2 new missions for your review. The information is listed below

    Mission Name: The Covenant Part 3----Still in the review tab
    Author: Logitech007
    Minimum Level: 31+
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID: ST-HGU68TMQK
    Estimated Mission Length: About 45 minutes give or take
    Story Description: You have finished your treatment from the brain washing you had received at the hands of the Covenant. The battle rages on between Good and evil. One last battle has begun. Will the Covenant threat continue or will it end. Will it be a happy conclusion?

    Starting Location: The door just below the transporter room, on the main concourse of Earth Space dock.

    Thank you for taking your time to review and to play my two missions.

    Thank you
    Logitech007

    Hi Logitech007,

    Welcome back to the queue. This mission is currently 5th in the queue behind PsycoticVulcan. I will get to your review as soon as I can.

    Thanks for authoring,
    Brian
  • evil70thevil70th Member Posts: 1,017 Arc User
    edited January 2015
    Hey Evil70th, i have 2 new missions for your review. The information is listed below

    Mission Name: Rising from the Ashes part 1---Can be found under Browse all
    Author: Logitech007
    Minimum Level: 31+
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID: ST-HJQAATP3J
    Estimated Mission Length: About 45 to an hour give or take.
    Story Description: Admiral Jeff White assigns you to help the USS Nova investigate a newly found planet in a remote system in the Bassen Rift. But what is found will surprise you and your crew. You will meet an Ancient and blossoming Civilization. But when you get there, there are dark shadows on the horizon. Will you and your crew withstand these dark shadows or will they become one with these dark shadows?

    Starting location: The door at Starfleet Academy at the end of the corridor of building 2.


    Thank you for taking your time to review and to play my two missions.

    Thank you
    Logitech007

    Hi Logitech007,

    Welcome back to the queue. This mission is currently 6th in the queue behind your other mission. I will get to your review as soon as I can.

    Thanks for authoring,
    Brian
  • evil70thevil70th Member Posts: 1,017 Arc User
    edited January 2015
    dean962 wrote: »
    Thinks for the review. I'll be sure to work on my mission soon. Is there anything else you recommend about it?

    As always, I am glad I could help in anyway. For the moment the recommendations I made in the review are about all I can recommend for the moment. Despite the short comings I found overall it was a fun mission. Those recommendations will help you flesh out the story and make a better mission.

    Thanks again for authoring.
    Brian
  • starfarerthetastarfarertheta Member Posts: 738 Arc User
    edited January 2015
    If you can make time for it, here's another mission for you to try.



    %28Banner%29%2BO_Awakening.png

    ID: ST-HESR65VWI
    Author: starfarertheta
    Language: English
    Faction: Federation
    Level Requirement: 51+
    Door: Risa

    Description:
    The Omnitabula, an ancient orb containing vast amounts of knowledge rivaling the Federation's Memory Alpha is the key to finding Xausea, the orb's place of origin and the potential site of a great assembly of knowledge akin to the Preserver Archive.

    But when the orb is taken by an illusive and wicked force known only as Enigma you must use any means at your disposal to take it back before the discovery of a lifetime is lost forever.


    As of posting it can only be found under the review tab.
  • evil70thevil70th Member Posts: 1,017 Arc User
    edited January 2015
    If you can make time for it, here's another mission for you to try.



    %28Banner%29%2BO_Awakening.png

    ID: ST-HESR65VWI
    Author: starfarertheta
    Language: English
    Faction: Federation
    Level Requirement: 51+
    Door: Risa

    Description:
    The Omnitabula, an ancient orb containing vast amounts of knowledge rivaling the Federation's Memory Alpha is the key to finding Xausea, the orb's place of origin and the potential site of a great assembly of knowledge akin to the Preserver Archive.

    But when the orb is taken by an illusive and wicked force known only as Enigma you must use any means at your disposal to take it back before the discovery of a lifetime is lost forever.


    As of posting it can only be found under the review tab.

    Hi Starfarertheta,

    Welcome back to the queue. Your mission is currently 7th in the queue behind Logitech007. I will get your mission just as soon as I can.

    As for the note about where your mission is located, I noticed that Cryptic fixed the way missions display finally. It used to be that way when they first opened the Foundry and following a patch or two missions started displaying in every sub menu except Spotlighted mission. Trust me; I exhaust my search before I give up trying to find a mission. I like the Project ID because it is easiest to find a mission no matter where it is located. :)

    Thanks for authoring.
    Brian
  • evil70thevil70th Member Posts: 1,017 Arc User
    edited January 2015
    Hey, I have a two part mission that I would like reviews for. Thanks!

    Mission Names: Requiem for a Dream (1/2) [and] Requiem for a Dream (2/2)
    Author: @11001001_v2.0
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID's: ST-HBZMTCLGL [and] ST-HE6X3N2VQ
    Estimated Mission Length: under 45 min for each

    Federation Mission - Requiem for a Dream (1/2)
    Author: 11001001_v2.0
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID: ST-HBZMTCLGL


    Report Start


    Summary: This is a good mission even though it starts off a bit slow it quickly picks up. The map designs are very good, most of the battles are very tough and the story dialogue is very well done. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players, although not on Elite level as it was more than a challenge on Normal.

    Other than some of the enemy being a little too powerful I noted one item that stood out. That is the use of the response button "Continue" in almost all of the dialogue. As I have stated in several reviews, although not recently, the word "Continue" is a default setting when nothing is entered in the field. I feel its use in the dialogue indicates the player is merely reading and not part of the actual story. There are times when this may be appropriate such as reading a journal or log entry but I usually recommend using "…" vice "Continue" for those entries. I caution the author against using it following reports from NPCs or the BOFFs. For example if the BOFF reports "there are enemy ground troops ahead" the appropriate response would not be "Continue". That is usually a good rule of thumb to use and makes the player feel like they are more a part of the story.

    Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

    Mission Description: The description needs a little more story behind it. You want something that draws the player in and makes them want to click 'Hail'. As it is written currently there is nothing to tell the player what the mission is about. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

    Grant Mission Dialogue: This is good grant dialogue with a friendly feel. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

    Mission Task: This is good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.

    Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

    MAPS:
    ~The Mind's Heritage: This is a nice map design with a minor battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -The banners near the "Hunting Chalet Administrator" are from Utopia Planatia and look out of place. Consider removing or replacing them with less distinct banners.
    -Some of the tasks, i.e. Find wind direction, Check trap and Steakout seem to be a waste of time and add nothing to the story.
    -Consider changing the task "Steakout" to read "Stakeout".
    -There is a replicator console with an "Interact" button that seems to serve no purpose to the story. Consider removing it or updating the button to something like "Access the console".
    -The response button "Continue" is overused and needs to be reconsidered. I will note the maps and cover it in my summary above.

    ~Attrition: This is a good map design with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -The Pakled freighter appears to serve no real purpose to the story. Consider removing it.
    -Without revealing too much there are too many "Ambush" vessels that prolong the fighting unnecessarily. Total combat time was over 30 minutes. They were more annoying than challenging; consider removing a couple of them.

    ~Pandora's Box: This is a good map design with some fun battles and few tough ones. The dialogue was well done. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -The doorway leading to the "Library" is a little above the ground and needs to be lowered.
    -The doorway leading to the "Sewer" is a little above the ground and needs to be lowered.
    -The last two enemy mobs are very tough and the respawn point is too far away. It took a little time to get back to the fight a couple of times. I know the Foundry limits how they can be placed to become active but you may need to redesign the map to allow for it.
    -The response button "Continue" is overused.


    End Report


    Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing your next mission in the series and more of your work in the future.
    Brian

    This critique report also filed 01/16/2015 on forum posting for: First foundry project.
  • zionus0zionus0 Member Posts: 395 Arc User
    edited January 2015
    Hi I'm looking for some thoughts on my project. I spent quite a while writing the plot before I started to put it into the foundry and I've just finished the sequel.

    Mission Name: A past Forgotten
    Author: Gromio
    Allegiance: Federation or Federation Romulan
    Level: 50+
    Project ID: ST-HHFMTI48V
    Estimated Playtime: 60 - 90 minutes
    Door: Khellian System in the Psi Velorium sector block

    Description:
    An ancient terror waits in the darkness of space, long ago passing into legends and myth... Now a call, for your aid, sends you and your crew into the heart of the greatest discovery of the melineium.

    Why is it that player characters are able to accomplish feats that no one else can in the universe? Well this story will explore why that is: beating the odds time and again, being victorious when vastly out numbered, and against the impossoble? That events have always played out to give you the means to defeat your foes? Prepare to embark on what may yet be the most important mission of your career.

    Lots of combat and reading. Especially near the end of the mission the battles are inteded to be difficult. Do NOT play on ELITE!
    Why do I still play and put money into STO?
    The Foundry, and my love of Star Trek
  • drkfrontiersdrkfrontiers Member Posts: 2,477 Arc User
    edited January 2015
    Could someone be kind enough to review my missions?
  • evil70thevil70th Member Posts: 1,017 Arc User
    edited January 2015
    zionus0 wrote: »
    Hi I'm looking for some thoughts on my project. I spent quite a while writing the plot before I started to put it into the foundry and I've just finished the sequel.

    Mission Name: A past Forgotten
    Author: Gromio
    Allegiance: Federation or Federation Romulan
    Level: 50+
    Project ID: ST-HHFMTI48V
    Estimated Playtime: 60 - 90 minutes
    Door: Khellian System in the Psi Velorium sector block

    Description:
    An ancient terror waits in the darkness of space, long ago passing into legends and myth... Now a call, for your aid, sends you and your crew into the heart of the greatest discovery of the melineium.

    Why is it that player characters are able to accomplish feats that no one else can in the universe? Well this story will explore why that is: beating the odds time and again, being victorious when vastly out numbered, and against the impossoble? That events have always played out to give you the means to defeat your foes? Prepare to embark on what may yet be the most important mission of your career.

    Lots of combat and reading. Especially near the end of the mission the battles are inteded to be difficult. Do NOT play on ELITE!

    Hi Gromio,

    Welcome to the queue. Your mission is 7th in the queue behind starfarertheta. I will review your mission as soon as I can.

    Thanks for authoring,
    Brian
  • evil70thevil70th Member Posts: 1,017 Arc User
    edited January 2015
    Could someone be kind enough to review my missions?

    Hi drkfrontiers,

    I followed the link but I need information specific to the mission(s) you want me to review. Below is the basic information I need to conduct a review.

    Mission Name: (Your Mission Title)
    Author: (Your STO Site Name)
    Minimum Level: (16+ or above)
    Allegiance: (Federation/Klingon)
    Project ID: ST-(ID Number)
    Estimated Mission Length: (Time to complete if available)

    With this information I can narrow down my search and make sure I am reviewing the mission you want reviewed.

    Thanks for authoring,
    Brian
  • sirknightnightsirknightnight Member Posts: 4 Arc User
    edited February 2015
    Hello! First time author here

    Mission Name: Boarding action
    Author: @SirKnightNight
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID: ST-HT2QX4S4J
    Estimated Mission Length: 10-20 minutes... I think

    It was my first go at the foundry so the mechanics of the mission aren't the best. Add on the fact that most of the dialoge was written late at night without any real spell check or basic storytelling skill and you get this pile of TRIBBLE
  • evil70thevil70th Member Posts: 1,017 Arc User
    edited February 2015
    Hello! First time author here

    Mission Name: Boarding action
    Author: @SirKnightNight
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID: ST-HT2QX4S4J
    Estimated Mission Length: 10-20 minutes... I think

    It was my first go at the foundry so the mechanics of the mission aren't the best. Add on the fact that most of the dialoge was written late at night without any real spell check or basic storytelling skill and you get this pile of TRIBBLE

    Hi SirKnightNight,

    Welcome to the queue and the Foundry. Your mission is currently 8th in the queue behind Gromio. Sorry for the late reply but with the Foundry being down and work being hectic I have not had a chance to do reviews or even read the forums until now. Now that the Foundry is back up and work is back to normal I hope to get back into the queue reviews. I will get to your mission as soon as I can. :)

    Thanks for authoring,
    Brian
  • evil70thevil70th Member Posts: 1,017 Arc User
    edited February 2015
    Folks,

    Sorry for the long delay in reviews or responses here but work has been very hectic at the end of the previous year and into the new one. Add to that the Foundry being offline following the updated content and you have the perfect storm of events to prevent me from doing my reviews. :)

    I have skipped over Requiem for a Dream (2/2) by 11001001_v2.0 as it did not seem to be available in the Foundry. I have notified the author and will review that mission when it becomes available. In the meantime I am continuing reviews of the missions in my queue.

    Thanks for your patience.
    Brian
  • evil70thevil70th Member Posts: 1,017 Arc User
    edited February 2015
    Hi, I'd like to request a review, if you've got the time.

    Mission Name: A Murder on Vulcan
    Author: @spankminister
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID's: ST-HGZQZC6NK
    Estimated Mission Length: Around 30 minutes

    Mostly story, very light combat. The setup is that the player has been asked to travel to Vulcan so that their Chief Engineer can present at the Academy during an academic symposium. That ends up being a cover story, as we soon find out, and the real plot unfolds: one of the scientists is a sleeper agent. Designed as a whodunit sort of mystery.

    Federation Mission - A Murder on Vulcan
    Author: spankminister
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID's: ST-HGZQZC6NK


    Report Start


    Summary: This is a good mission with nice map designs that need a little tweaking and the story dialogue that is very well written. The battles are not overdone, fun and fit with the story. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players who like a good story oriented mission with a nice touch of mystery.

    You over used the response button "Continue" in a few places and even though it was not too distracting to the story you should consider replacing them. Your use of the default button "Interact" on some of the player interactions was noticeable and should also be fixed.

    Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

    Mission Description: This is a well written description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
    -Realizing that the start location for the first custom map is relatively clear for this mission consider adding it to the description as [MissionInfo] dialogue to ensure it stands out.

    Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

    Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial mission task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

    Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

    MAPS:
    Vulcan Space: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider having the engineering BOFF tell the player that they did not modify the reactor immediately following the initial dialogue. It felt odd that the BOFF made no mention of it until they reached orbit.
    -The map design is empty. Anytime you go to Vulcan space it is full of ships in orbit. Consider adding more background ships in orbit to make it appear more alive.

    Vulcan Ground New Initial: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -The use of the response button "Continue" is excessive. Consider using "…" as an alternative or add an appropriate response as needed.
    -When T'Miri excuses herself at the end of her dialogue she remains in place while the player discusses the situation with Sihea. Consider making the NPC T'Miri disappear after the conversation or have the player move away prior to talking to Sihea.
    -The map design is essentially empty with the exception of the NPCs the player will interact with. Anytime you go to this area of Vulcan it is crowded. Even the NPC Sihea refers to the area as being crowded but ten people do not make a crowd. Consider adding more background NPCs around the fountain and surrounding area to make it seem more like Vulcan.

    Vulcan Science Academy: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -All consoles have the default button "Interact". Consider changing the buttons to read "Access console" or something along those lines.
    -Consider changing "arrived from offworld" to read "arrived from off world".
    -Consider moving the "Run System Diagnostic" task to follow the "Read Faculty Evaluations" task since the information in the system diagnostic indicates the danger to T'Miri and other Vulcan's. It seems the player would drop everything else and move to rescue them.
    -The map design is empty with the exception of the interact points. The Vulcan Science Academy should be crowded with people. Consider adding more background NPCs throughout the academy, working at consoles or walking up and down to make it seem more like a real place.

    Vulcan Sci Academy Admin Office: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

    The Forge: This is a good map design with a challenging but fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -Consider using invisible objects as the "Scan for life signs" points. The rocks and shrubs looked a little odd.
    The body of of the murdered NPC is lying on his back but the dialogue refers to him as laying face down. Consider changing the NPCs animation to be consistent with the dialogue.
    -The scan point where the player finds the body has the default button "Interact". Consider changing the button to read "Scan the body".
    -The use of the response button "Continue" is excessive.
    -Consider adding a respawn point closer to the combat.

    Runabout: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue and a good wrap up to the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted one item to consider changing:
    - The mission immediately ends and provides the player with the rating and comment window as the player enters the map. Consider changing the triggered dialogue with Sihea from button activated to initial dialogue as soon as the player enters the map. This should allow the player to read the dialogue before ending the mission.


    End Report


    Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
    Brian
  • captaintk17captaintk17 Member Posts: 12 Arc User
    edited February 2015
    If you don't mind, I'd like to add my new mission (new author) for review. Thanks, in advance...if you decide to play it.

    Title: Into the Badlands...Again
    Author: Captain_TK17
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID: ST-HPXOUWETZ
    Level requirement: 31+
    Estimated Completion Time: 30 minutes
  • darmantjdarmantj Member Posts: 0 Arc User
    edited February 2015
    Mission Name: The Captain Is Never Told
    Author: @darmantj
    Minimum Level: 16+)
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID: ST-HTHP420M3
    Estimated Mission Length: 30-35 minutes, with solo'ed space combat.
    I don't mind Delta Rising, it's the whiny TRIBBLE I hate.
  • evil70thevil70th Member Posts: 1,017 Arc User
    edited February 2015
    If you don't mind, I'd like to add my new mission (new author) for review. Thanks, in advance...if you decide to play it.

    Title: Into the Badlands...Again
    Author: Captain_TK17
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID: ST-HPXOUWETZ
    Level requirement: 31+
    Estimated Completion Time: 30 minutes

    Hi Captain_TK17,

    Welcome to the queue and the Foundry. Your mission is currently 8th in the queue behind SirKnightNight. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.

    Thanks for authoring,
    Brian
  • evil70thevil70th Member Posts: 1,017 Arc User
    edited February 2015
    darmantj wrote: »
    Mission Name: The Captain Is Never Told
    Author: @darmantj
    Minimum Level: 16+)
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID: ST-HTHP420M3
    Estimated Mission Length: 30-35 minutes, with solo'ed space combat.

    Hi Darmantj,

    Welcome to the queue. Your mission is 9th in the queue behind Captain_TK17. I will review your mission as soon as I can.

    Thanks for authoring,
    Brian
  • evil70thevil70th Member Posts: 1,017 Arc User
    edited February 2015
    I released my first Foundry mission a few days ago, and while the reviews have been fairly positive so far I'd love to get some detailed feedback! :D

    Mission Name: The Sentinels of Andor
    Author: @ThePsycoticVulcan
    Minimum Level: 31+
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID: ST-HUMZ4D6YH
    Estimated Mission Length: About an hour, if you read all the dialogue

    It's already through the review phase, by the way, so you have to go into "Browse All" to find it.

    Thank you!

    Federation Mission - The Sentinels of Andor
    Author: PsycoticVulcan
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID: ST-HUMZ4D6YH


    Report Start


    Summary: This is a great story oriented mission with several tough but fun battles and well written dialogue. Despite the tough battles I thoroughly enjoyed the mission and hardly noticed the time it took to play. I would highly recommend it to other players.

    Regarding the naming of maps, it is understandable keeping the maps numbered during editing to help you keep them straight. Once you are done editing and ready for publishing I recommend removing the numbers. This will help the maps blend into the story and not just be a number on the list. ;)

    Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

    Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

    Grant Mission Dialogue: This is good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

    Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

    Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

    MAPS:
    Hobus System: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

    U.S.S. Madison: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

    Hobus System 2: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
    -Consider changing the names of the other two ships with the I.R.W. Vraxx from the default ship types. This will help make them seem more a part of the story.

    I.S.S. Basilisk: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

    Hobus System 3: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
    -Consider changing the names of the other two ships with the I.R.W. Vraxx from the default ship types. This will help make them seem more a part of the story.

    Donatu Sector: This is a good map design with some fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -The dialogue refers to the rift closing but it remains visible. Consider setting it to disappear.
    -The Ch’ral dialogue; consider changing "I though you were a shining example" to read "I thought you were a shining example".
    -The post Save the Defiant dialogue; consider changing "Defiant may not be able to fulfil her destiny" to read "Defiant may not be able to fulfill her destiny".

    U.S.S. Defiant - Engineering: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

    U.S.S. Defiant - Crew Deck: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

    Donatu Sector 2: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -The Captain Aaron Blake dialogue; consider changing the response button "Good luck, captain. Godspeed" to read "Good luck, Captain. Godspeed".
    -Consider changing the BOFF dialogue "another temporal rift, captain" to read "another temporal rift, Captain".

    Hobus System 4: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.


    End Report


    Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
    Brian

    This critique report also filed 02/20/2015 on forum posting for: The Sentinels of Andor.
  • psycoticvulcanpsycoticvulcan Member Posts: 4,160 Arc User
    edited February 2015
    Thank you very much for the analysis. I'll make the appropriate changes as soon as I have time.
    NJ9oXSO.png
    "Critics who say that the optimistic utopia Star Trek depicted is now outmoded forget the cultural context that gave birth to it: Star Trek was not a manifestation of optimism when optimism was easy. Star Trek declared a hope for a future that nobody stuck in the present could believe in. For all our struggles today, we haven’t outgrown the need for stories like Star Trek. We need tales of optimism, of heroes, of courage and goodness now as much as we’ve ever needed them."
    -Thomas Marrone
  • evil70thevil70th Member Posts: 1,017 Arc User
    edited February 2015
    Thank you very much for the analysis. I'll make the appropriate changes as soon as I have time.

    As always, glad I could help. I really enjoyed the mission.

    Thanks for authoring
    Brian
  • evil70thevil70th Member Posts: 1,017 Arc User
    edited March 2015
    Hey Evil70th, i have 2 new missions for your review. The information is listed below

    Mission Name: The Covenant Part 3----Still in the review tab
    Author: Logitech007
    Minimum Level: 31+
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID: ST-HGU68TMQK
    Estimated Mission Length: About 45 minutes give or take
    Story Description: You have finished your treatment from the brain washing you had received at the hands of the Covenant. The battle rages on between Good and evil. One last battle has begun. Will the Covenant threat continue or will it end. Will it be a happy conclusion?

    Starting Location: The door just below the transporter room, on the main concourse of Earth Space dock.

    Thank you for taking your time to review and to play my two missions.

    Thank you
    Logitech007

    Federation Mission - The Covenant Part 3
    Author: Logitech007
    Allegiance: Federation
    Project ID: ST-HGU68TMQK


    Report Start


    Summary: This is a good with a mix of fun battles and story dialogue. There are spelling, syntax and grammatical errors in the dialogue that detract from the overall story. Despite that I would still recommend the mission and series to other players.

    Use of triggers is very important and failure to execute them correctly will detract from your story. The battles on two of the maps started before the dialogue was finished. This is an issue because the dialogue refers to the enemy ships being inbound despite already being engaged with them. You need to fix that issue and I made some recommendations below.

    Placement of story objects is another important story telling element and can detract from the story when not done correctly. When you had the player returning to the ready room to talk to Admiral White in his ready room the NPC was still sitting in the command chair. You need to fix this issue and I made a recommendation below.

    Below are several things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

    Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

    Grant Mission Dialogue: This is the same dialogue from the description without the version information. I noted one item to consider changing:
    -Consider rewriting this dialogue to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'.

    Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.

    Mission Entry Prompt: The prompt is the same as the button. I noted one item to consider changing:
    -Consider rewriting the prompt dialogue to be related to the story as it begins.

    MAPS:
    U.S.S. Valentine: This is a good map design and use of the story points. There are quite a few dialogue spelling, syntax and grammatical errors noted below. I noted several items to consider changing:
    -The Admiral Jeff White dialogue; consider changing "recent promotion to Admiral and the command of the newly commissioned U.S.S. Valentine" to read "recent promotion and command of U.S.S. Valentine".
    -Consider changing the response button "That is no excuse, Admiral. I will have to live with those mistakes for the rest of" to read "That is no excuse, Admiral. I will have to live with what I did for the rest of my life".
    -Consider changing the response button "What happened to the Captain, who was undercover in the Covenant as the 3rd" by adding both "Commander" and a period.
    -Consider changing "clear picture at this time by the Valentine crew is working on it" to read "clear picture at this time but the Valentine crew is working on it".
    -The entire first part of dialogue starting with "A Romulan Republic vessel" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
    -The response button has no punctuation at the end. Consider changing the last sentence in the response button "Any more" to read "Is there anything else Admiral" and add question mark.
    -Consider changing "from Fleets 2,3, and 5 to form" to read "from Fleets 2, 3 and 5 to form".
    -In the response button, consider adding a period after "Ok".
    -The task "Scan the injured crew member" is in the task list while the player is talking to the Admiral. During this dialogue there are explosions but the player and Admiral continue talking as if there is nothing wrong. Consider adding a reach marker that causes the explosions when the player moves towards the bridge. You would need to rewrite the Lieutenant dialogue regarding the Romulan Warbirds indicating "they are on an attack vector" or something along those lines. The Admiral says they are on the way to the bridge and when the player passes through the reach marker the explosions occur. The task could be "Go to the bridge". Then the "Scan injured crew member" task appears.
    -Consider changing "[OOC]Admiral, the officer is suffer a concussion and is days and dizzy and needs to report to sick bay[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Admiral the officer is suffering from a concussion and has been rendered unconscious. They need to be taken to sickbay[/OOC]".
    -The use of the response button "Continue" which is the default when nothing is entered for the button. Consider replacing it with "…" or when used in conjunction with [OOC] dialogue put the last line of the dialogue in the response button. From this point forward I will note the maps where this is used excessively.
    -Consider adding a period on the response button "I am remodulating the shields".
    -Consider adding a period on the response button "Acknowledged".
    -There is a second response button with "I am remodulating the shields" with no period at the end of the sentence. From this point forward I will note the maps were punctuation is a problem. You will need to go through your dialogue and response buttons to determine where the issues are and correct them.
    -Consider changing "Reroute secondary power to the forwards shields" to read "Reroute secondary power to the forward shields".
    -The dialogue starting with "Our forward shields" needs to have a space between the period and the next sentence.
    -Consider changing "The romulan Warbird are about to go to warp" to read "The Romulan Warbird is about to go to warp".
    -The dialogue starting with "As early report indicate" is a run-on sentence that needs to be rewritten.
    -The response button that starts with "That’s great" has an incomplete word "Admi" at the end with no punctuation.
    -During the "Talk to Admiral Jeff White" task I noted that the Admiral is still sitting in his command chair while the player is supposed to meet him in the ready room. Consider having the NPC set to disappear when the player is down in the observation lounge.
    -The Admiral Jeff White dialogue; consider changing "What did you found out" to read "What did you find out".
    -Consider changing "It is restricted to Senior staff Of Commanders and up" to read "It is restricted to commanding officers and their senior staff only".
    -The [OOC] dialogue starting with "I will beam back" is a run-on sentence that needs to be rewritten.
    -The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], are we ready to transport back to the [ShipName]" to be coming from the ship and read "[Rank], we have a lock on the away team and are ready to beam you back".

    Ready Room: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue but there is a glitch in the dialogue mapping noted below. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -When reviewing the U.S.S. Tucker information the response button says "View". The other records state either "View Captain <NAME> service record" or "View Captain <Name>". Select a common response for each and ensure all of them are the same.
    -After reviewing the U.S.S. Thomas B. McGuire JR and selecting the "View Captain M'nakis" response button there is only a "Continue" button available which closes the dialogue. Consider changing the "Continue" to a "Back" button since there more records to review. In this information dialogue the player should only be able to exit from the initial page showing the ship names.

    Starbase 195: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue, although some of it does need to be rewritten. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -The design of the base is well done but the gaps above the doors look odd.
    -The consoles you used for Admiral White's office are huge. The admiral is sitting almost in the middle of the 4 consoles you placed, which also looks odd. Consider removing the other 3 consoles and moving him closer to the console on the side the player enters on.
    -The Admiral Jeff White dialogue starting with "We do that by meeting" is a run-on sentence that needs to be rewritten.
    -The dialogue starting with "We do that by meeting" is a run-on sentence that needs to be rewritten.
    -The dialogue starting with "We put out through subspace" is a run-on sentence that needs to be rewritten.

    Deep Space: This is a nice map design with challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. The battle triggering needs adjustment as indicated below. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -The battle starts while there are five dialogue windows to go through. Consider changing the appearance of the first wave of enemy mobs to appear following the dialogue. A player's first reaction is to ignore the rest of your dialogue and start fighting. You could use an invisible object as a trigger. It could be something like "Enemy vessels decloaking".
    -Consider changing "I contacted the Romulan and the Klingon Empire and they have indicated that they have no vessels are their way here, so the Covenant is coming" to read "I contacted the Romulans and Klingons, they both indicated none of their vessels are inbound to our location, so these ships are Covenant".
    -The Tactical Officer dialogue "as soon as they are in range" to read "As soon as they are in range".
    -The Admiral Jeff White dialogue; consider removing "Nope" from the dialogue. It does not appear to be something an Admiral in charge of the task force would say.

    Jupiter System: This is a nice map design with challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. The battle triggering needs adjustment as indicated below. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -The battle starts while there are five dialogue windows to go through. Consider changing the appearance of the first wave of enemy mobs to appear following the dialogue. Again the player's first reaction is to ignore the rest of your dialogue and start fighting. As recommended on the previous map you could use an invisible object as a trigger. It could be something like "Here they come".
    -The post battle dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]Maybe because the Covenants base is there and its limping home[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Maybe because the Covenants base is there and it's limping home[/OOC]"

    Hobus System: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -The post Get within range and hail dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]of the Federation starshup[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]of the Federation starship[/OOC]".
    -The dialogue starting with "[OOC]You are surrounded[/OOC]" is a run-on sentence that needs to be rewritten.
    -The use of the response button "Continue" is excessive. When using it in conjunction with [OOC] dialogues consider making the last sentence the response button.
    -The dialogue starting with "[OOC]Its better then[/OOC]" is a run-on sentence that needs to be rewritten. Additionally you should use "It's" instead of "Its" and "than" instead of "then".
    -Consider changing "[OOC]under tons and tons of rubber[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]under tons of rubble[/OOC]".
    -The dialogue starting with "[OOC]Well, it is up to you[/OOC]" is a run-on sentence that needs to be rewritten.
    -The dialogue starting with "[OOC]you can die here[/OOC]" is a run-on sentence that needs to be rewritten. Additionally you should use "rubble" instead of "rubber" and "arrested" instead of "arrest".
    -Consider changing "The fleet has responding and they are loading their forward torpedo bays and standing by" to read "The fleet reports torpedo bays loaded and they are standing by for orders".
    -The dialogue starting with "I will come with you" is a run-on sentence that needs to be rewritten.
    -Consider changing "[OOC]Transporter her over to the USS Trident and they will transport her to Earth[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Transport the prisoner to the Trident. They will take her to Earth[/OOC]".

    U.S.S. Valentine: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
    -The dialogue starting with "[OOC]For all the death[/OOC]" is a run-on sentence that needs to be rewritten. Additionally you should use "the" instead of "these".
    -Consider changing "The U.S.S. Trident suffered major damage is adrift in space" to read "The U.S.S. Trident suffered major damage and is adrift in space".
    -Consider changing "Sorry [Rank], nope the vessel took heavy damage to their sensor array" to read "Sorry [Rank], the vessel took heavy damage to their sensor array".
    -Consider changing the response button "Why was that vessel traveling alone with an high level prisoner" to read "Why was that vessel traveling alone with a high level prisoner".
    -Plot point: The player is asking "why the vessel was traveling alone" when on the previous map it was the player who ordered the prisoner to be transported to the Trident. So that question coming from the player does not make any sense.


    End Report


    Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job with the series and this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your missions in the future.
    Brian

    This critique report also filed 03/07/2014 on forum posting for: The Covenant Series.
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