Hey Evil70th, thank you for the play of the mission of mine, i am looking at the information you have listed and to correct and i am in the process and fix the issues that you have mentioned.
Welcome to the queue. Your mission is 7th in the queue behind darmantj. Thanks for your submission. I will review your mission as soon as I can get to it.
Hey Evil70th, thank you for the play of the mission of mine, i am looking at the information you have listed and to correct and i am in the process and fix the issues that you have mentioned.
Thank you
Logitech007
Hi Logitech007,
Glad I could help by reviewing your mission and series. I enjoyed the story and your skills in development have definitely improved.
Hey Evil70th, i have 2 new missions for your review. The information is listed below
Mission Name: Rising from the Ashes part 1---Can be found under Browse all
Author: Logitech007
Minimum Level: 31+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HJQAATP3J
Estimated Mission Length: About 45 to an hour give or take.
Story Description: Admiral Jeff White assigns you to help the USS Nova investigate a newly found planet in a remote system in the Bassen Rift. But what is found will surprise you and your crew. You will meet an Ancient and blossoming Civilization. But when you get there, there are dark shadows on the horizon. Will you and your crew withstand these dark shadows or will they become one with these dark shadows?
Starting location: The door at Starfleet Academy at the end of the corridor of building 2.
Thank you for taking your time to review and to play my two missions.
Thank you
Logitech007
Federation Mission - Rising from the Ashes part 1
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HJQAATP3J
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission but at least 2 hours long. There is nothing wrong with long missions as long as they keep the players attention. Yours definitely kept my attention. The map designs were good, the battles tough and the story dialogue was well written. The story has several spelling and grammatical errors in the dialogue; however the story itself is well thought out. I would recommend this mission to other players.
Time paradoxes are very tricky elements of any story. I am not going to address the Department of Temporal Investigations; otherwise I will be here a lot longer. The assumption is that time is linear, which is how STO and most of the Star Trek series appear to have addressed time travel. The new Star Trek movie took an entirely different approach to the paradox. They broke the timeline off and took it in an entirely different direction, which is supported in the STO story as well. The only movie that addressed the time paradox adequately, in my opinion, was the TNG movie "First Contact". They addressed by having the Enterprise caught in a temporal flux caused by the Borg. On the second Federation Romulan Neutral Zone map you explained the player and crew memory not changing due to the residual tachyon particles. However on the first Ready Room map you did not explain why when the alien escaped and traveled back in time there was no change. I understand in your story the alien apparently did not have time to tamper with the timeline. This is no doubt because the player went back in time and captured him or her before he or she could do any damage. In the TOS episode "City on the edge of forever" as soon as Doctor McCoy jumped through the gate everything changed. The landing party did not experience the change because they were standing with the Guardian at the time. They restored the timeline but only after being shielded from the changes by the presence of the Guardian. This means you have to have something that protects the player from the time travel changes. I would suggest you have a temporal agent similar to what we saw in the Star Trek Enterprise series enter the Ready Room map. Then instead of talking to Admiral White the player talks to the temporal agent who shields the player and crew from the changes that would happen. Of course this is only a suggestion.
After the paragraph above the puzzle to decode the security layers issue seems small but I am going to address it anyway. The alien use of STO history to decrypt their database does not make sense. Especially since the answers are the exact same ones as the player helped the cadets on the first map in the review. I liked the hint button you provided in the puzzle but you need to consider redesigning the puzzle so that it does not depend on STO history. Of course this is also just a suggestion.
Below are several things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a nice description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Will you and your crew withstand these dark shadows or will they become one of these dark shadows" to read "Will you and the crew of the [ShipName] resist the dark shadows or will you be consumed by them?"
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is the same dialogue from the description, which appears to be a ongoing issue in your missions. Consider rewriting this dialogue to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Will you and your crew withstand these dark shadows or will they become one of these dark shadows" to read "Will you and the crew of the [ShipName] resist the dark shadows or will you be consumed by them?"
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Lecture Hall: This is good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted several items to consider changing:
-Consider changing all Help correct the Cadet's answer on his or her exam to optional rather than required tasks. You can make the recommendation that the player helps them but it should not be required. It is time consuming and unnecessary since the puzzle later in the mission has hints.
-The use of the response button "Continue" which is the default when nothing is entered for the button. Consider replacing it with " " or when used in conjunction with [OOC] dialogue put the last line of the dialogue in the response button.
-The design of the base is well done but the gaps above the doors look odd.
-Consider changing "[OOC]If you guys listen to him and his wisdom, you will learn a lot[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]You can learn a lot from him[/OOC]".
-It seems odd that you would tell the cadets that they can learn a lot from him and then insult him with the response button "What has the Admiral bore you Cadets with". It appears the intention was to make a joke but there is no follow through after the button. Consider changing it to read "What was the topic of the Admirals lesson".
-Consider changing the response button "That's is our history that needs to be learned" to read "That is a part of our history you need to learn".
-Consider changing the Cadet response "Who and in what year did the Romulan forge an alliance with the Elachi to further his plans following the destruction of Romulus" to read "Who was the Romulan that made an alliance with the Elachi following the destruction of Romulus, and in what year was the alliance made".
-The dialogue that begins with "In what year did the Voth" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten. In that same dialogue string you state the cadet answered "2409" and the correct answer was also "2409".
-Consider changing "Cadet's, that is enough of taking the [Rank] time" to read "Cadets, the [Rank] has spent enough time helping you".
-Consider changing "There are matters that [Rank] and I need to discuss" to read "There are matters I need to discuss with the [Rank]".
-Consider changing the response buttons to the cadets "Like wise, Cadet" to read "Likewise Cadet".
-Consider changing "In what year did the Remus could no longer be mined without risking a Praxis-like disaster" to read "In what year could Remus no longer be mined without risking a Praxis-like disaster".
-The last dialogue starting with "It was a pleasure meeting you" appears to be Admiral Jeff White but should be another cadet.
-Consider changing "I hope you can stop by and teach us a class here" to read "I hope you will be able to teach a class here sometime, [Rank]".
-Consider changing the response button "Maybe. Like wise, Cadet" to read "Perhaps I will. Take care".
-Consider changing "[Rank], I am now finishing talking to this cadet, you can come and talk to me in my office" to read "[Rank], I am finishing up in here and will meet you in my office".
-The Admiral Jeff White dialogue starts referring to the player by [Rank] and in the next frame calls the player "Captain". Consider removing "Captain" from that dialogue. It looks like you were doing that to start with since the dialogue starts off "Captain, Yesterday".
-Consider changing the response button "What was the Nova doing in Romulan Space" to read "What was the Nova doing in Romulan space".
-The response button that starts with "Jeff" seems out of place considering how they have both been addressing each other throughout this portion of the dialogue. Consider changing the response to "Admiral" vice "Jeff".
-Consider changing "they were working with the nova when they were lost" to read "they were working with the Nova when they were lost".
-Due to the volume of spelling and grammatical errors I will only note maps with these issues and not the specific issue. It will be up to you to review the dialogue on those maps.
Bassen Rift: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Commander T'Lee dialogue; consider changing "Captain it is good to meet you I wish it were under better circumstances" to read "Captain it is good to meet you, although I wish it were under better circumstances".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing the response button "As do I commander" to read "As do I Commander".
-The two dialogue windows following the players question about filtering out the Thalaron radiation seems unnecessary to the story and you should consider removing them.
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons, on this map for spelling and grammatical errors. There are a few.
-It appears you crossed the name of the ship "Veldix" and the Romulan Empire Captain "Valdix". In the dialoguem, following the "Scan grid 940-950" task, you have the player hail the "Valdix" vice the "Veldix" on the button, in the dialogue and the mission task.
-Consider removing the period from the response button ". Lets continue where they left off".
-Consider changing the response button "What how is that possible" to read "What? How is that possible?"
-Consider giving Commander Valdix's Romulan warbird a name.
-Following the engagement with Commander Valdix's ship you have the player hail the "Valdix" vice the "Veldix".
Alien Vessel: This is a very detailed map design with well written story dialogue but is still missing some elements. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons, on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are a few.
-Consider adding dialogue that follows the player "Looking around the alien bridge". Otherwise the tasks seem like a waste of time.
-Consider adding dialogue following the "Scan the Alien life form". It seems odd that the player would scan the alien life form and without a work beam back to the ship. Add some story dialogue that explains what they find during the scan and explaining why they suddenly beam back to the ship. There is no indication that they planned to beam the alien life form up.
Ready Room: This is a nice map design with well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]We sent over an away team[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with spelling and grammatical errors that needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "[OOC]The life form we bought on board has escaped to his vessel and has traveled through a time vortex[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]The life form we brought on board has escaped to his vessel and traveled through a time vortex[/OOC]".
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]We cannot let this life form[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-There is a time paradox problem with this story that I will discuss in detail in my summary above.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The dialogue that starts "I hereby give your permission" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "You may engage the enemy as you last resort" to read "You may only engage the enemy as a last resort".
Federation Romulan Neutral Zone: This is a good map design with intense optional combat and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "What can we expect to find here in Romulan Space" to read "What can we expect to find here in Romulan space".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The post Cross into Romulan Space dialogue; consider changing "so i would think both Romulan and Klingon vessels in Romulan space" to read "so I would think both Romulan and Klingon vessels would be in Romulan space".
-The dialogue that starts with "Their weapons don't pose" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing the response button "I will take it into consideration" to read I will take it under advisement".
-The dialogue that starts with "There is no T-Tari system" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing the response button "Is there a way we cannot be seen by the aliens" to read "Is there a way we can avoid being seen by the aliens".
-The dialogue that starts with "We could mask our ship" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "I am now picking up" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "I am now picking up Three Romulan D-7 cruisers" to read "I am picking up 3 Romulan D-7 cruisers".
-Consider changing "attack from two maybe five vessels but not five" to read "attack from 1, maybe 1 vessels but not 3".
-The dialogue that starts with "When you crossed the Neutral zones" is a run on sentence with spelling and grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue refers to 3 Romulan D-7 cruisers but a later response button refers to 5 D-7 vessels. This may explain the issue with dialogue above. You need to decide how many D-7 ships are there and fix the dialogue to match it.
-At the Enter the Time portal location consider adding a spatial distortion to make it look as if there is a time portal.
-After the player enters the time portal and is talking to Admiral Jeff White both the Yorktown and Trail are still visible. Consider making them invisible with the player passing through the portal.
-The map transfer dialogue refers to transporting to "Station K-9" but the next map is "Deep Space Four". Consider changing the dialogue to match the map change.
Deep Space Four: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider removing the NPC Chat dialogue selected under the Advanced Behavior settings. It serves no purpose in the story and based on the rate you have set they keep repeating the dialogue constantly.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing "[OOC]You longer belong there[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]You do not belong there[/OOC]".
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons, on this map for spelling and grammatical errors. There are a few.
-Consider changing the task "Go and decode the Security layers" to read "Decode the security layers".
-The puzzle to decode the security layers of the alien system being based on STO history does not make sense. I will cover this in more detail in the summary above.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]It had primary security layer[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider adding a period at the end of "[OOC]The history of the Atavus[/OOC]".
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]remains unclear they were[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]It has warp travel[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors that needs to be rewritten. Additionally it switches between present and past tense.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]They had a flagship[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten. Additionally it switches between present and past tense.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]Unfortunately that part[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten. Additionally consider changing "can not" to read "cannot".
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]Layer five[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "[OOC]ships travel back through time[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]ships travel through time[/OOC]".
Planet Surface: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "We can not be seen due to the prime directive" to read "We cannot be seen or we will be in violation of the prime directive".
-Consider changing "but yet we see that" to read "but we see them".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing the response button "I do not want to violated the Prime directive" to read "I do not want to violate the prime directive".
-The dialogue that starts with "It is hard to get" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "I don't think they have warp drive. I have not seen any" to read "I have not seen any indication of warp technology".
-Consider changing "me either" to read "Me either".
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons, on this map for spelling and grammatical errors. There are a few.
-The dialogue that starts with "Sir, Admiral White" is a run on sentence with spelling as well as grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
Holding Facility: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The dialogue that starts with "To leave the war zone" is a run on sentence with spelling as well as grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "As soon as your crew" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "The Atavus were a week" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]If your world[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]That is part of[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]To leave the war zone[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]Two shuttles were out of[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with spelling as well as grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons, on this map for spelling and grammatical errors. There are a few.
Federation Romulan Neutral Zone: This is a good map design with tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "What state the reasons to which you are in Alliance space" to read "State the reason you have entered Alliance space".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing "and enter the Romulan space" to read "and enter Romulan space".
-Consider changing "timeline that has already been done" to read "timeline than has already been done".
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]As long as we fix[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with spelling as well as grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "Go through the debris field" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]Set a course[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons, on this map for spelling and grammatical errors. There are a few.
-The dialogue that starts with "We have located the time period" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten. Additionally it switches between present and past tense.
-Consider adding a spatial distortion to make it look as if there is a time portal.
Federation Romulan Neutral Zone: This is a good map design with intense optional combat and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding a spatial distortion to make it look as if the ship is emerging from a time portal. Then make the spatial distortion disappear.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]We will beam down[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
Military Facility: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The response button that starts with "Is there a way" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "So the plan would be" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider switching the name of tasks "Set up the Charge Three" and "Set up the Charge Four" so that charge three is next to the door the player enters first. Of course you could resolve this by removing the numbers of the charges.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]You are ordered to[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]Let's get going[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a nice job developing this story. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work and this series in the future.
Brian
Description: The Omnitabula, an ancient orb containing vast amounts of knowledge rivaling the Federation's Memory Alpha is the key to finding Xausea, the orb's place of origin and the potential site of a great assembly of knowledge akin to the Preserver Archive.
But when the orb is taken by an illusive and wicked force known only as Enigma you must use any means at your disposal to take it back before the discovery of a lifetime is lost forever.
As of posting it can only be found under the review tab.
Summary: This is an outstanding mission with excellent map designs, tough but balanced battles and good story dialogue. Some of your map designs are very intricate and look fantastic. I could run around them and just look at the details if I was not conducting a review. I would highly recommend this mission to other players.
I mentioned a problem with dialogue that follows certain response buttons coming up blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". With some instances of this I did not have to run the dialogue string to resolve it but on others I did. It seemed to occur on almost every map. I noted each map and instance where I saw it occur. That does not mean I caught every instance where it occurs. I thought it may be linked to the [Extended v.] dialogue you had in the story line; however I cannot be sure of that without a thorough analysis of each dialogue in the chain. Obviously, I do not have time for that even in my in depth review. You have [Extended v.], [Standard v.] and [Summary dialogue], which implies you are using linked dialogue strings. I think the problem is within those links to map dialogue back to another part of the string. This is also an issue with the follow on grant dialogue. Consider going through the dialogue strings in the mission to ensure this problem is resolved.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description with a lot of details. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant and follow on dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Add an additional space between "to decrypt it" and "Perhaps you'll have better luck".
-The dialogue that follows the response button "Bridge, plot a course for Risa. Maximum warp" is blank with no image or dialogue. The response button is "Continue".
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: On Risa [Risa]: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. The shuttle sequence was excellent. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
The Omnitabula [Audentia Conference Room]: This is a great map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The dialogue that follows the response button "Neither do I" is blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". After clicking Continue the dialogue closes and appears as an Ops button. The player must go through the dialogue again in order to finish it and bring up the next mission task. On the second run through of the dialogue I selected "Energize". It finished and gave me the map transfer text. From this point I will note the maps where this happens and cover it my summary above.
Ambush [Deep Space - Near Risa System]: This is a good map design with balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The dialogue that follows the response buttons "Red Alert" and "Red Alert! All hands to battlestations" is blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". The player does not have to go back through the dialogue to continue with the battle but this is still an issue.
-Consider changing the response button "Red Alert! All hands to battlestations" to read "Red Alert! All hands to battle stations".
-The dialogue that follows the response button "Keep them away from the Audentia" is blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". The player does not have to go back through the dialogue to continue with the battle but this is still an issue.
The Retired Admiral [Earth - East Eurasia - Gautier's House]: This is a great map design, especially the house and garden layout. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The dialogue that follows the response button "Nope" is blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". The player has to go through the dialogue again in order to finish it and bring up the next mission task.
The Return to Gautier dialogue; consider changing "I sincirely hope you brought" to read "I sincerely hope you brought".
The Competitive Duo [Station Alpha Rho 108]: This is a good map design with a good battle and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The post Defend yourself dialogue; consider changing "this gorn by any chance" to read "this Gorn by any chance".
A Cynic and a Squadron [System 2063-FC]: This is a good map design with tough but balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The dialogue that follows the response button "Good work, I think these will be very useful" is blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". The player has to go through the dialogue again in order to finish it and bring up the next mission task.
-The dialogue that follows the response button "Understood" is blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". The player has to go through the dialogue again in order to finish it and bring up the next mission task.
The Shadow Operative [Cardassia Prime]: This is a good map design with tough but balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The center shaft of the bomb goes right through a console. Is that intended? If not consider moving the bomb object out from the device.
The Retaking of the Orb [Somewhere in space ]: This is a good map design with tough but balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The dialogue that follows the response buttons "Understood. Good luck on that meeting" and "Understood. I look forward to what you have to say" is blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". The player has to go through the dialogue again in order to finish it and bring up the next mission task.
-The post Hold Out Against Enemy Forces battle dialogue response button "Understood" is blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". The player has to go through the dialogue again in order to finish it and bring up the next mission task.
Checkpoints [Deep Space - Near the Federation Border]: This is a good map design with nice transitions and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The dialogue that follows the response button "Understood, let's proceed with caution" is blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". The player has to go through the dialogue again in order to finish it and bring up the next mission task.
-The post Locate the Rogue Planet task dialogue response button "Understood" is blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". The player has to go through the dialogue again in order to finish it and bring up the next mission task.
On the Edge [Dead Zone]: This is a good map design with tough but balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-When the player arrives there is already a battle underway but the dialogue indicates the battle is about to start. Most likely the sequence is out of order in the story line with the dialogue and battle.
-The dialogue that follows the response button "Red Alert" is blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". The player does not have to go back through the dialogue to continue with the battle but this is still an issue.
-Noted some of the enemy vessels have Borg cube debris when destroyed.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with this mission, especially with the maps, and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 03/12/2015 on forum posting for: Omnitabula.
I've just authored my first mission after checking out numerous tutorial videos, and thought I would take you up on your very kind offer of review. That being said, please find my information below, and thank you in advance for your time!
I've just authored my first mission after checking out numerous tutorial videos, and thought I would take you up on your very kind offer of review. That being said, please find my information below, and thank you in advance for your time!
Welcome to the Foundry and my queue. Your mission is currently 6th in the queue behind EvilMark. I hope to continue my progress on mission reviews over the next couple of weeks, which means I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Welcome to the Foundry and my queue. Your mission is currently 6th in the queue behind EvilMark. I hope to continue my progress on mission reviews over the next couple of weeks, which means I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi Brian,
Thank you for considering a review of my Foundry mission. Looking forward to hearing your feedback.
Hi I'm looking for some thoughts on my project. I spent quite a while writing the plot before I started to put it into the foundry and I've just finished the sequel.
Mission Name: A past Forgotten Author: Gromio Allegiance: Federation or Federation Romulan Level: 50+ Project ID: ST-HHFMTI48V Estimated Playtime: 60 - 90 minutes Door: Khellian System in the Psi Velorium sector block
Description:
An ancient terror waits in the darkness of space, long ago passing into legends and myth... Now a call, for your aid, sends you and your crew into the heart of the greatest discovery of the melineium.
Why is it that player characters are able to accomplish feats that no one else can in the universe? Well this story will explore why that is: beating the odds time and again, being victorious when vastly out numbered, and against the impossoble? That events have always played out to give you the means to defeat your foes? Prepare to embark on what may yet be the most important mission of your career.
Lots of combat and reading. Especially near the end of the mission the battles are inteded to be difficult. Do NOT play on ELITE!
Federation Mission - A past Forgotten
Author: Gromio
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HHFMTI48V
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission with a lot of potential to be a great mission. The map designs are good and the battles are tough, especially on the last couple of maps where they become very tough. To be clear, when I say the story dialogue is well written, I mean the story flows and makes sense. In your mission that is exactly what I meant by saying that on the maps below. The spelling errors are fairly significant along with some grammatical errors as well but the overall story is compelling and worth the play. Without revealing the story, your explanation in the story explaining the player's abilities is very well done. I would recommend this mission to other players. You should consider creating a posting in the in the Foundry forum to highlight your mission. You can also put in updates and draw more players to your missions.
The description needs work. The first paragraph is good as is. The second paragraph almost seems like a discussion that would be better suited to the forums rather than a mission description. In the simplest of terms, players play the missions because they can accomplish great things against the odds. Having played the mission I understand what you are going for but it really does not entice players to play the mission. Your third paragraph warns the player that your mission has "Lots of combat and reading". Usually players do not mind a combination of both with as long as the story is well written. There are players who like one or the other and not both. This is where you can place a summary button in the dialogue. That allows the player to skip over the longer dialogue segments and receive a summary of info needed for the mission. Then they can continue on with the mission. In your description you give the warning "Do NOT play on ELITE". This tells most experienced players that your combat is not balanced, which some will find a challenge and others will not. Most will not bother playing because your description, as written, warns them not to.
Issues with spelling and grammar can be mitigated by using a word processor with spelling and grammar checking. You can use this type of program to write the mission and make sure it makes sense. This link provides you with a script template I use to write my stories and have recommended to other authors as well. Using the script to write the dialogue will also help avoid spelling, grammatical and punctuation errors. It will also help you keep the story straight and the NPCs assigned correctly. In the case of your vision issues it will act as a stop gap measure to help you prevent the spelling errors by finding them before you put them into the story dialogue. When I first started using the template I had a problem with STO crashing because I was running it in full screen and using the "Windows" button to jump back to the desktop. Eventually I figured out that if I kept STO windowed I could easily switch between the Foundry and my script without crashing the game. That is the method I recommend you and other authors use to create mission dialogue.
As I mentioned earlier the enemy mobs the player must fight to complete the Subspace pocket#2 map are almost all high level and right on top of each other. The player ends up alone slugging their way through the battles, respawning several times. This would be appropriate for as many as two, perhaps three enemy groups but beyond that it is less of a challenge and more annoying. If a player has to respawn more than once, perhaps twice, to finish off an enemy then they may be too powerful. If the player spends almost 30 to 45 minutes to finish up battles on a single map they are too strong and there are too many of them.
Let's talk about ranks use versus character first name and capitalization of ranks. A common issue I find in many missions is the use of [Rank] versus [FirstName] in the dialogue. It is generally okay to use the [FirstName] when the player is alone with the BOFFs. When in command situations on the bridge or ship in space it would generally be better to use Captain or [Rank] in the dialogue. This shows a sign of respect when under the view of the rest of the crew. We have all seen the TV shows and movies where the BOFF refers to the captain by their first name. If you notice they are generally in the company of fellow BOFFs or alone with the captain. As for capitalization of ranks such as captain and admiral, a good rule of thumb is the context. What that means is when referring to a specific person such as "Captain Tellsha" or "Admiral Jones" you would capitalize the rank. When referring to the rank alone you would not capitalize, such as "The ship has a captain".
One last thought regarding capitalization of factions and races in the dialogue. This is another fairly common issue I find during my mission reviews. In the game it is generally accepted that factions are capitalized, such as Federation, Klingon, Romulan, Reman and so on. Additionally the organizations like Starfleet would be capitalized. Here is the tricky part; would it be the Human race or human race? In this case I would probably not call either usage an issue. A faction would be the Federation, Klingon or Romulan but each are made up of races like Human, Tellarite, Vulcan, Klingon, Gorn, Romulan and Reman. So which is it? Generally speaking it is better to capitalize factions and races rather than not. I would most likely ding your mission if you do not. Does that mean you would lose rating stars? Probably not just for that.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The first paragraph of the description is good. It has enough intrigue to draw the player in and with a little more story it would be great. You want something that draws the player in and makes them want to click 'Hail'. I will discuss the rest of the description in my summary above. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "discovery of the melineium" to read "discovery of the millennium".
-Consider changing "and against the impossoble" to read "and against the impossible".
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is good but needs a little work as indicated below. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "We have recived a message from a Reman vessle requesting for you to meet with them" to read "We have received a message from a Reman vessel requesting you meet with them".
-Consider changing "The captain was quite insistant, and only went into vague details, on his reasons" to read "The captain gave no specific details regarding his reasons for wanting to meet with you"
-Consider changing "What is clear however is that the Remans are asking" to read "What is clear is the Remans are asking".
Mission Task: The initial task is okay but you should modify it to be more oriented towards the mission. The start location is okay but there is nothing in the task that relates to why the player is going there. You already clearly state where the mission starts in both the description and grant dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing it to read "Meet the Reman Captain in the Khellian System, Psi Velorium sector block".
Mission Entry Prompt: This is good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Space: This is a good map with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-In the initial dialogue the tactical BOFF refers to the player by their first name. This may be appropriate in certain situations but as a general rule the BOFF should not refer to the player by their first name. Consider changing this to "Captain" or "[Rank]". I will cover this in my summary above.
-The Lotar dialogue; consider changing "extremly more freqient in their" to read "extremely more frequent in their".
-Consider changing "Anicent Reman ruins were found during a minning excavation, I have one of our surving researchers here with me" to read "Ancient Reman ruins were found during a mining operation. I have one of our surviving researchers here with me".
-Consider changing the response button "Standing by to recive him" to read "Standing by to receive him".
-The Reman Historian dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]You recive warp quardonates from the remans[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]You receive warp coordinates from the Remans[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "there were also writtings in Klingon" to read "there were also writing in Klingon".
-Consider changing the response button "Facinating" to read "Fascinating".
-Consider changing "of a culture I did not reconize" to read "of a culture I did not recognize".
-Consider changing the response button "Please tell my conn officer set the cordinates" to read "Please give my conn officer the coordinates".
-Consider changing "[OOC]You contune traveling for[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]You continue traveling for[/OOC]".
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]The Remans[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "But there seems to be a problem one of the battle Cruisers stayed behind" to read "But there seems to be a problem. One of the battle cruisers stayed behind".
-Consider changing the response button "Sheilds up" to read "Shields up".
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons on this map for spelling and grammatical errors.
Si'lo system: This is a nice map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[OOC]You have never meet the D'regan in battle, infact you hoped never to cross the ship at all[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]You have never met the D'regan in battle. In fact you had hoped never to cross paths with this ship at all[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Both it and it's Captain have become a terrifying sight on the war front, for good reason[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Both the ship and its Captain have become legendary on the war front, for good reason[/OOC]".
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]The ship has been involved[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The T'vlak dialogue; consider changing "and to whos, my own family is indebted to" to read "and to whom my family is indebted to".
-Two locations in the dialogue you spell it "Sheildmaiden" when it should be spelled "Shield Maiden".
-Consider changing "I also intned to learn who" to read "I also intend to learn who".
-Consider changing "another group fo Romulans is approaching" to read "another group of Romulans is approaching".
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons on this map for spelling and grammatical errors.
Ruins -floor 1: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Captain Tellsha dialogue button; consider changing "Talk to Cpt. Tellsha" to read "Talk to Captain Tellsha". This has to be done by renaming the NPC to Captain Tellsha vice Cpt. Tellsha.
-Consider changing the response button "Have we meet" to read "Have we met".
-The Enraged T'vlak dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]The klingons words[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]The Klingons words[/OOC]".
-The Tal Shair jailer dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]He attepemts to crawl twords you[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]He attempts to crawl towards you[/OOC]".
-The T'vlak dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]T'vlak looks up to hthe Bajoran[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]T'vlak looks up to the Bajoran[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]a look of embrasament crosses his feaures and is replaced by anager[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]a look of embarrassment crosses his features and is replaced by anger[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]loking ot the Romualn[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]looking at the Romulan[/OOC]".
-Consider changing the response button "Go talk ot the Deferi" to read "Go talk to the Deferi".
- The Captain Tellsha dialogue; consider changing "in answer to your qurestion we met after the Jem'hadar from the war came through the Celsital temple" to read "in answer to your question we met after the Jem'Hadar from the war came through the Celestial temple".
-The button for the Scan the captive task is labeled "Talk to Starfleet Guard Human Female 01". This happens because you did not change the default name of the NPC on the map. Consider changing name to the NPC character name.
-Consider changing the dialogue box name "Sheildmainden first officer" to read "Shield Maiden First Officer".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "no signs of enemy vesles" to read "no signs of enemy vessels".
-Consider changing "see what the Romualns wanted here" to read "see what the Romulans wanted here".
-Consider changing "any readings throught this archway" to read "any reading through this archway".
-Consider changing "the area behidn it doesn't" to read "the area behind it doesn't".
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons on this map for spelling and grammatical errors.
Unknown: This is a good map with tough but fun optional battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue states "Furthermore this world has no plant life", which I am not sure how this applies to the story. Also, I play with high detail on and it is full of plant life. Be aware of the maps design when setting them up. A good rule of thumb I discovered when building maps is almost all surfaces have details of some sort. They may not be visible on regular settings. Consider removing the line about plant life.
-The Scan the area task button is labeled "Interact", which is the default button when not filled in by the author. Consider changing it to "Scan the area".
-I did not see any dialogue following the Scan the area task. Consider adding dialogue regarding "energy readings" that cause the next task.
-Consider changing the task "Find cause of the enrgy readings" to read "Find cause of the energy readings".
-The Star chart dialogue; consider changing "[MissionInfo]it you notice several costolations you know[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]it you notice several constellations you know[/MissionInfo]".
Si'lo system#2: This is a good map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Just FYI the "#2" in the map name can be removed by you once you make a copy of the existing map.
-The unknown hail dialogue; consider changing "We ned that weapon now" to read "We need that weapon now".
-Consider changing "may be reqiuired shortly" to read "may be required shortly".
-Consider changing "with or without succses" to read "with or without success".
-Consider changing "I will not let my people be Teran slaves" to read "I will not let my people be Terran slaves".
-The Hail Romulan ships dialogue; consider changing "The hostile ship is respoinding [Rank]" to read "The hostile ship is responding [Rank]".
-In the response button you have one with "character" and the other is "Character". Either one works in this context but they should be the same.
-The Star Commend Hakeev dialogue; consider changing "Seems fitting starfleet would send you" to read "Seems fitting Starfleet would send you".
-Consider changing "it's ironic though [FirstName] [LastName] helping a group" to read "It's ironic though [FirstName] [LastName] helping a group".
-Consider changing "your eyes lack the crulety of your counterpart" to read "your eyes lack the cruelty of your counterpart".
-Consider changing "Perhaps your federation truly is difernt" to read "Perhaps your Federation truly is different".
-Consider changing "even if i need their knowalge" to read "even if I need their knowledge".
-Consider changing "you have sen are merely" to read "you have seen are merely".
-Consider changing "all these enmeiees you face" to read "all these enemies you face".
-Consider changing "Of course i would expect" to read "Of course I would expect".
-Consider changing the response button "What have the terrans done to you" to read "What have the Terrans done to you".
-Consider changing "Honestly how are you controllling those planet killers" to read "Honestly, how are you controlling those planet killers".
-Consider changing "wont bring a tear to the eye" to read "won't bring a tear to the eye".
-Consider changing the response button "I cant let you do that" to read "I can't let you do that".
-During the Destroy the armada task the D'regan is destroyed very quickly and I had to respawn several times to finish the battle. Consider spreading out the attacking mobs and not making them all high level.
-The Star Commander Hakeev dialogue; consider changing "that conversaion let me" to read "that conversation let me".
-Consider changing the response button "Your mad" to read "You're mad".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing the response button "engage maximum warp" to read "Engage maximum warp".
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons on this map for spelling and grammatical errors. There are quite a few.
Bridge: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The T'vlak dialogue; consider changing "for it's prowess in battle" to read "for its prowess in battle".
-The Federation Path dialogue; consider changing the response button "Please get to the point Engsin" to read "Please get to the point Ensign".
-Consider changing "sealed and imprisioned so that none" to read "sealed and imprisoned so that none".
-Consider changing the response button "[YOur combadge signals suddenly] Yes" to read "[Your combadge signals suddenly] Yes".
-The dialogue that starts with "[FirstName], we have arrived" has punctuation, spelling and grammatical errors that needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "I'm surprised starfleet has no record" to read "I'm surprised Starfleet has no record".
-The dialogue that starts with "[MissionInfo]You are thrown to the ground[/MissionInfo]" is a run on sentence with spelling and grammatical errors that needs to be rewritten.
-The map transfer dialogue response button "Go to Next Map" is the default setting when nothing is entered in the button. Consider changing it to "Everyone hold on" or something other than the default.
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons on this map for spelling and grammatical errors.
Subspace pocket: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Belive we may need" to read "Believe we may need".
-Consider changing "Fortunatly today is a good" to read "Fortunately today is a good".
-Consider changing "[OOC]A flash of brigh light appears in the middel fo your bridge[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]A flash of bright light appears in the middle of your bridge[/OOC]"
-The Q dialogue; consider changing "Fate has a sense of iorny it seems" to read "Fate has a sense of irony it seems".
-Consider changing "maintain the prision" to read "maintain the prison".
-Consider changing "your foe influcen your reality" to read "your foe to influence your reality".
-Consider changing "will wait fo rus to finsih talking" to read "will wait for us to finish talking".
-Consider changing "Personally i think its an improvement" to read "Personally I think it's an improvement".
-Consider changing "[OOC]officers are returewd to normal[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]officers are returned to normal[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]starts moving twords the turbo lift[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]starts moving towards the turbo lift[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "that rather apprnet" to read "that rather apparent".
-Consider changing "a Dominion dreadnagught" to read "a Dominion dreadnaught".
-Consider changing "Their shildes are all raised sir but they arent firing on eachother" to read "They've all raised their shields but aren't firing on each other".
-Consider changing "This area seems realativly unstable sir" to read "This area seems relatively unstable Captain".
-The dialogue that starts with "In any case captain" is a run on sentence with capitalization, punctuation and spelling errors that needs to be rewritten. For example when referring to a rank it is appropriate to use lower case, such as "the ships commanding officer is referred to as captain". If referring to the rank associated with a name or addressing the person, "In any case Captain".
-Consider changing the task "Reach Transport Cordonates" to read "Reach Transport Coordinates".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "I'm detectign enemy groups on the ground sir" to read "I'm detecting enemy groups on the ground Captain".
-Consider changing "There seems to be a battle going on. down there" to read "There seems to be a battle going on down there".
-Consider changing the response button "Assualt team Beta to transporter room six" to read "Assault team Beta to transporter room one".
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons on this map for spelling and grammatical errors.
Temple Exterior: This is a good map design with some challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "It almost looks exactly Vulcan" to read "It looks almost exactly like Vulcan".
-Consider changing "The diffrneces are so moinor it's nearlt identical" to read "The differences are so subtle it's nearly identical".
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Move out".
-The Enter the temple task button is "Interact" which is the default button. Consider changing it to read "Enter the temple" or something along those lines. Consider adding a single dialogue box following the task regarding the ambush.
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons on this map for spelling and grammatical errors.
Temple interior: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Rangkarsork dialogue; consider changing "and my vengeance can be had" to read "and my vengeance is at hand".
-Consider changing "time that you can not remember me" to read "time that you cannot remember me".
-Consider changing "[MissionInfo]your crew look to you[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]your crew looks to you[/MissionInfo]".
-Consider changing "will be so easily destoyred" to read "will be so easily destroyed".
-Consider changing the task "Defend yourslef" to read "Defend yourself".
-The post Continue the battle dialogue; consider changing "able to inflict damge to me" to read "able to inflict damage to me".
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read " "
-The post Fight on Warrior dialogue; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "I have had enough of you".
-The Q dialogue; consider changing "You could eliminate the threat to the galaxy and all you hold dear and you deny that power" to read "You could eliminate the threats to the galaxy and all you hold dear. Yet you deny that power".
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "That is who I am"
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "going on with all this destroyer" to read "going on with all this destruction".
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons on this map for spelling and grammatical errors.
Subspace pocket#2: This is a nice map design with several very tough battles. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Remember the "#2" in the map name can be removed by you once you make a copy of the existing map.
-Consider changing the task "Evicerate the Voth" to read "Eviscerate the Voth".
-Consider changing the initial dialogue response button "Continue" to read "We shall see".
-The enemy mobs the player must fight to complete this map are almost all high level, right on top of each other and the player ends up fighting them alone. Consider scaling them back or at least spreading them out more to balance the battles. I will cover this in my summary.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Sir the pocket is colapsing" to read "Captain, the pocket is collapsing".
-Consider changing the response button "Get us out of here Maximum warp" to read "Get us out of here, maximum warp".
Bajor: This is a nice map design but needs a little work on background characters. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The city is completely empty and feels like it was rushed putting it together to close out your mission. Consider adding background NPCs moving and standing around the streets. This will make it look more populated.
-Consider changing the task "Speak to T'ellsha and T'vlak" to read "Speak to Tellsha and T'vlak".
-The Captain Tellsha dialogue button; as before, consider changing "Talk to Cpt. Tellsha" to read "Talk to Captain Tellsha". This has to be done by renaming the NPC to Captain Tellsha vice Cpt. Tellsha.
-Consider changing "to rescue a federation diplomat" to read "to rescue a Federation diplomat".
-Consider changing "Thankyou again" to read "Thank you again".
-Consider changing "of battle I would pleased" to read "of battle I would be pleased".
-Consider changing "to the nutreal zone" to read "to the neutral zone".
-Consider changing the response button "Live long and Porsper, friend" to read "Live long and prosper, friend".
-The Thank you dialogue; consider changing "Thankyou for playing my mission" to read "Thank you for playing my mission".
-Consider changing "as I did writting it" to read "as I did writing it".
-Consider changing "I value creative crisitisms and opinions" to read "I value creative criticisms and opinions".
-Consider changing "If I've missed any spelling erros please tell me" to read "If I've missed any spelling errors please tell me".
-Consider changing the response button "Finish: A Past Fogotten" to read "Finish: A Past Forgotten.
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons on this map for spelling and grammatical errors.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job with the story but need to fix the spelling and battle balancing to make it a great mission.
Brian
Hello again,
Thank you for the review; and I agree on quite a few of those points.
My original script actually called for the R.R.W. Ikatho to return along with another Federation ship so each faction was represented regardless of player faction; they just had a minor role, so I forgot to add them in.
In my play tests I never had the D'regan get destroyed but I'll take your word for it.
Any other suggestions, you might have?
Also:
I had a question if you'll answer it: my last test of the final space map I had the Romulan ships teleporting back to the player spawn point. I'm wondering if that occurred to you as it's not intentional?
Megwhich (thankyou).
Why do I still play and put money into STO?
The Foundry, and my love of Star Trek
Description: The informally self-labeled Task Force Impromptu is now effectively distanced from any help within the Deadzone. With no way out for the next decade, only one mission remains: finding Xausea, the homeworld whence the Omnitabula was made. There lies a potential wealth of knowledge the equal of the Preserver Archives, and a small hope of a way home.
But what will be found within the Deadzone will only begin to reveal the true nature of what is yet to come...
Hello again,
Thank you for the review; and I agree on quite a few of those points.
My original script actually called for the R.R.W. Ikatho to return along with another Federation ship so each faction was represented regardless of player faction; they just had a minor role, so I forgot to add them in.
In my play tests I never had the D'regan get destroyed but I'll take your word for it.
Any other suggestions, you might have?
Also:
I had a question if you'll answer it: my last test of the final space map I had the Romulan ships teleporting back to the player spawn point. I'm wondering if that occurred to you as it's not intentional?
Megwhich (thankyou).
Hi Zionus0,
Sorry for not getting back to you sooner but it has been a busy couple of weeks both personally and at work. I am pretty sure I covered everything in the report that I can think of. I hope it helps.
Thanks for authoring. As I have said many times and will continue to say, the missions authored make the STO environment far more enjoyable to play.
Brian
Description: The informally self-labeled Task Force Impromptu is now effectively distanced from any help within the Deadzone. With no way out for the next decade, only one mission remains: finding Xausea, the homeworld whence the Omnitabula was made. There lies a potential wealth of knowledge the equal of the Preserver Archives, and a small hope of a way home.
But what will be found within the Deadzone will only begin to reveal the true nature of what is yet to come...
Hi starfarertheta,
Welcome back to the queue with your next mission in the series. This mission is currently 6th in the queue behind kerda. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
If you get the time and if you want to. Could you tell me your thoughts on "Rise of Mol'Rihan." Thank you.
Title: Rise of Mol'Rihan
Author: @P_Sutherland
Mission ID: ST-HGYI9LOK4
Language: English
Level: 51+
Faction: Federation / Fed-Romulan
Start: New Romulus (aka Mol'Rihan ... or Dewa III.)
(Starting point will change when the New Romulus System becomes available.)
Hi P_Sutherland,
Welcome to the queue. Your mission is 8th in the queue behind Thomas_Baston. I would be happy to provide you with an in depth review as soon as I can get to your mission.
It was my first go at the foundry so the mechanics of the mission aren't the best. Add on the fact that most of the dialoge was written late at night without any real spell check or basic storytelling skill and you get this pile of TRIBBLE
Summary: This is a good mission with some challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted several spelling, grammar and punctuation errors in the dialogue but overall it was a good story. I would recommend it to other players who like a good story combined with challenging but fun combat.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a brief description and perhaps too brief. Consider adding a little more story so the player wants to click 'Hail'. For example, what are we supposed to board? I noted one item to consider changing;
-Consider changing "reached the federation" to read "reached the Federation.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The initial grant dialogue is okay but there are spelling errors. The follow on dialogue is good but has spelling errors as well. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "straght from the top" to read "straight from the top".
-The follow on dialogue, consider changing "Starfleet Intel reports that the empire has developed a new weapon" to read "Intel reports indicate the Klingons have developed a new weapon".
-Consider changing "It is likly a spinoff" to read "It is likely a spinoff".
-Consider changing "The time for sneaking is over, now we need action" to read "The time for covert operations is over, now is the time for action".
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: The entry prompt was a little confusing. Because STO has added spotlight missions to the entry points of at least star systems your entry did not stand out. The only thing that gave it away was the button stated "continue" which seemed odd. Consider changing the button to the title of the mission or a response that is appropriate to the entry dialogue.
MAPS: The strike force: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue" is excessive. Consider using an appropriate response or " " for the response button. From this point forward I will note the maps where the use of "Continue" is excessive.
-The initial introduction dialogue, consider changing the top response button "The boxer" to read "The Boxer".
-The Boxer dialogue, consider changing "ship, Modified atrox equiped for" to read "ship, modified Atrox equipped for"
-Consider changing "Real beauty,top of the line" to read "Real beauty, top of the line".
-The Sir Robin dialogue, consider changing "engineer first and a galaxy is perfect" to read "engineer first and a Galaxy is perfect".
-Consider changing "Good ship,better crew" to read "Good ship, better crew".
-Consider changing "more times than i care to count" to read "more times than I care to count".
-The Ghost dialogue; consider changing "Small unit. mostly light escorts and crusiers" to read "Small unit, mostly light escorts and cruisers".
-Consider changing "The squad itself is scrapped together from what was left of the lads we had left from the Borg assaults and the Dyson sphere" to read "The squad was put together from what was left after the Borg and Dyson Sphere campaigns".
-The shipyards dialogue, consider changing "of the black-ops in klingon space prep up" to read "of the black-ops in Klingon space prepare".
-The Go time dialogue, consider changing "Admiral alexander is hailing us" to read "Admiral Alexander is hailing us".
-Consider changing the response button "Onscren" to read "On screen".
-Consider changing "The boxer is ready ,[LastName]" to read "The Boxer is ready, [LastName]".
-Consider changing the response button "ready to jump" to read "Ready to jump".
-Consider removing the need for the player to maneuver to the jump point. You can do this by placing a large invisible object at the location where the player stops to talk to the Sir Robin.
The testing ground: This is a nice map design with plenty of challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue" is excessive.
-The mission task, consider changing "Disabe the weapon" to read "Disable the weapon".
-Consider adding dialogue in between the fights regarding the ship status and other units. This would include direction to the next battle.
-Consider changing the mission task "Move towards the weaon" to read "Move towards the weapon".
-Consider adding a non-combat version of the weapon ship and the escort to help the player see where to go. You can then have the non-combat unit disappear while the enemy unit appears.
-Consider changing "Sorry i'm late" to read "Sorry I'm late".
-Consider changing the mission task "Disabe the I.K.S chenmoHMogh" to read "Disable the I.K.S. chenmoHMogh".
-The post Disabe the I.K.S chenmoHMogh task dialogue, consider changing "You and your away team is to beam to the cargo bay and secure it for the science teams" to read "Your team will beam to the cargo bay and secure it for the science teams".
-Consider changing "his team will secure Engineering" to read "his team will secure engineering".
-Consider changing "the bridge and atempt to secure" to read "the bridge and attempt to secure".
-Consider changing "We can not let this opertunity pass over" to read "We cannot let this opportunity pass us by". There also needs to be a period at the end of the sentence.
-Consider changing "Ready to go [LastName] ?" to read "Ready to go [LastName]?"
Cargo bay: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue" is excessive.
-The initial task says "Secure the hanger" but the map name is "Cargo bay". You need to change the task to something appropriate for taking the cargo bay.
-The initial dialogue, consider changing the response button "surrender and you will not be harmed" to read "Surrender and you will not be harmed".
-Consider changing the response button "Using a super weapons is not" to read "Using a super weapons is not".
-You need to add respawn points deeper in the map.
-The console for the "Mark Target" task interaction button is labeled "Interact" which is the default label. Consider changing it to read "Mark target".
-The post Mark Target dialogue, consider changing "Ready to blow this thing to kingdome come" to read "Ready to blow this thing to kingdom come".
The Weapon: This is a nice map with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The map transfer dialogue and response button is the default entries, which need to be changed. Consider changing the dialogue "Go to Next Map" to read "We have a lock on the away team".
-Consider changing the response button "Go to Next Map" to read "Energize".
U.S.S. Boxer: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue" is excessive.
-Consider changing "So much potental" to read "So much potential".
-Consider changing "Keller will be punnished for his actions" to read "Keller will be punished for his actions".
-Consider changing "For Acting against my direct orders and destroying an asset to the federation" to read "For disobeying my direct orders and destroying a potential asset for the Federation".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Thanks mate. As I said, I'm new to the foundry but I do not plan on giving up any time soon. Speaking of giving up, I will be removing "Boarding action" tomorrow. I'm gonna reuse the characters and story for something better. I'll likely post it here for review when it's done. I think i've gone over ambitions in this next one (may or may not of planned out a 5 part series based around detailed character exploration of the characters from this (Keller, Ghost squadron and Alexander) and also figured a potential second set of missions detailing the aftermath) So don't expect anything soon. Lets just hope the foundry (and my patience) Is good enough for what I want to make happen.
Again, thanks for the review (Not gonna lie, took me about 2 hours to read because of minor "Oh god I made someone waste their time is this TRIBBLE" feeling) and I'm looking forward to reading your reaction to my next trainwreck.
-Knight
Ghost in the machine
ST-HKOQHNRS8
lvl 41+
Mission Name: Ghost in the Machine
Author: @helixfungus
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HKOQHNRS8
Estimated Mission Length: 30-40 minutes
Start: Kei System, Sirius Sector
The story goes like this: Apparently you saved a lot of Gamma Margoulis colonists from Borg assimilation. But you cannot remember a thing... you will retrieve those memories back with the help of a ...Q
Thanks mate. As I said, I'm new to the foundry but I do not plan on giving up any time soon. Speaking of giving up, I will be removing "Boarding action" tomorrow. I'm gonna reuse the characters and story for something better. I'll likely post it here for review when it's done. I think i've gone over ambitions in this next one (may or may not of planned out a 5 part series based around detailed character exploration of the characters from this (Keller, Ghost squadron and Alexander) and also figured a potential second set of missions detailing the aftermath) So don't expect anything soon. Lets just hope the foundry (and my patience) Is good enough for what I want to make happen.
Again, thanks for the review (Not gonna lie, took me about 2 hours to read because of minor "Oh god I made someone waste their time is this TRIBBLE" feeling) and I'm looking forward to reading your reaction to my next trainwreck.
-Knight
Hi Knight,
As always I am glad my review was able to help you refine your techniques. To be clear I was not saying the mission was terrible and a waste of player's time. Overall I felt it was a good story that needed some tweaking here and there.
I look forward to reviewing your next project when it is ready.
Thanks
Brian
Ghost in the machine
ST-HKOQHNRS8
lvl 41+
Mission Name: Ghost in the Machine
Author: @helixfungus
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HKOQHNRS8
Estimated Mission Length: 30-40 minutes
Start: Kei System, Sirius Sector
The story goes like this: Apparently you saved a lot of Gamma Margoulis colonists from Borg assimilation. But you cannot remember a thing... you will retrieve those memories back with the help of a ...Q
Hi helixfungus,
Welcome back to the queue with your latest mission. This mission is currently 8th in the queue behind P_Sutherland's mission. I will review this mission as soon as I can.
I feel like you missed mine. If not, may i have an update to where I am in the queue?
Hi darmantj,
I have not missed your mission. With the review completion of the Into the Badlands mission today your mission, The Captain Is Never Told is next in the queue. Hopefully I will get to it in the next few days.
If you don't mind, I'd like to add my new mission (new author) for review. Thanks, in advance...if you decide to play it.
Title: Into the Badlands...Again
Author: Captain_TK17
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HPXOUWETZ
Level requirement: 31+
Estimated Completion Time: 30 minutes
Federation Mission - Into the Badlands...Again
Author: Captain_TK17
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HPXOUWETZ
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. The map designs are good but need a little tweaking here and there as indicated below. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players as it was fun. You should also consider adding a forum posting listing this mission so other players know about it.
I have talked about using the title Captain vice [Rank] in the dialogue before in other reviews. The dialogue in this particular mission really makes my point in this regard. In this mission the highest ranking person is Admiral Dewe; however my character is a Vice Admiral, so it seems a little odd that I would be taking orders from someone of lower rank. In order to make your immersion efforts more effective you should use the title of Captain vice [Rank] in this mission. It is what I recommend in most missions where someone of lower rank may be in charge. In the Navy we called it positional authority.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is very brief. Consider adding more about the story, something that draws the player in and makes them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is very detailed and well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[Rank], on of our ships" to read "[Rank], one of our ships".
-Consider changing "the U.S.S. Aeolia soomwhere within" to read "the U.S.S. Aeolia somewhere within".
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial mission task. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: The entry prompt is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "was preforming a surveillence and survey" to read "was performing a surveillance and survey".
MAPS: Badlands: This is a good mission with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The respawn point appeared to be farther away from the fight. Consider placing the respawn point close to the Aeolia.
USS Aeolia: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Cargo Bay 2: This is a good map with some tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The setup of the map does not work. You have the player start in the middle, go to the north room fighting Cardassians and then to the south room to fight the leader. Consider changing the player spawn point either start in the north room moving south or south room moving north. Then you can make the enemy mobs progressively tougher. Having the player run from one side of the map to the other is a waste of time.
Missing Crew: This is a nice map design with some tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-As the player comes up to each cadet the pattern enhancers are already visible. Consider having the pattern enhancers be invisible until the player sets them up. Then trigger the cadet being beamed out following the player setting up the enhancer.
-The first cadet and enhancer are slightly up the hill. Consider moving them both to the flat ground next to the hill.
-The player never sets up a pattern enhancer for the Admiral's daughter so she is still there when the player beams out. Consider adding the task of setting up the enhancer and having the NPC beam out.
Badlands#2: This is a good map design with some very tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the name of the map to Badlands by deleting the "#2" at the end of the map name. When you make a copy of the map it forces you to create it with the "#2" but the Foundry will let you edit the map name to remove it.
-Consider changing the location of the second and third enemy waves to be one after the other. Having them in different directions is unnecessary and adds nothing to the story.
Mars: This is a nice map but serves no purpose to the story. The player receives one line of dialogue and then the map transfer dialogue. Consider removing this map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing the response button "Ahead, full impusle" to read "Ahead, full impulse".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing the response button "Beam to Utopia Plantitia" to read "Beam to Utopia Planitia".
Utopia Plantitia: This is a nice map but serves no purpose to the story. The player receives one line of dialogue and then the end of mission dialogue. Consider removing this map and moving the "Mission Accomplished" dialogue here to the Badlans#2 map. That map is where the mission should end. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-If you are going to keep this map consider changing the name from "Utopia Plantitia" to read "Utopia Planitia".
-The Meet and Greet dialogue; consider changing "Welcome to Utopia Planitia" to read "Welcome to Utopia Planitia".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Mission Name: The Captain Is Never Told
Author: @darmantj
Minimum Level: 16+)
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HTHP420M3
Estimated Mission Length: 30-35 minutes, with solo'ed space combat.
Federation Mission - The Captain Is Never Told
Author: darmantj
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HTHP420M3
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission with good map designs, challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. With the enemy mobs that the player must engage your mission is at least an hour vice 35 minutes but is still worth playing. I would recommend this mission to other players. Consider creating a forum posting to advertise your missions.
On the Nebuchadnezzar #1 map I mention the requirement of having the player battle their way across the map to be told by the Admiral to go back and fix engineering elements. I noted a comment in your feedback that discussed this very issue and I have to agree with them about the need to change this. Having the player do this seemed unnecessary in the grand scheme of the mission. Consider moving the Admirals dialogue to fix the equipment as initial dialogue when the player arrives on the map. The player can then fix the engineering equipment while heading to where the Admiral is located. This would make the story flow much better and stop the player from having to cross the same area of the map twice. Then the player talks to the Admiral who sends them to bring the impulse engines back online. That makes the whole map and story flow so much better.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description with a brief but well written story. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding the start location as [MissionInfo] dialogue to the description. This makes the start location for your first custom map available anytime if needed.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good task but if you add the start location to your description you can shorten this task to something more appropriate to the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Ra'Kholh System: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue" is over used. Consider changing it to an appropriate response to the dialogue. My recommendations on this issue are well documented in my reviews so from this point I will note the maps where this is an issue.
-Consider removing the [OOC] dialogue on the map transfer text warning the player about the reach marker issue. If this is a problem then consider changing the reach marker to an invisible object that the player must interact with. Either way the issue needs to be addressed on the map where it is a problem and not before hand.
Rhi System: This is a nice map design with challenging battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The enemy mobs may need to be spread out a little more and consider moving the respawn point to a more central location that is outside of the enemy mobs location. Where you have the respawn point now if the player has to use it they end up in the middle of all the mobs.
-Consider changing the reach marker to an invisible object the player must interact with. This will eliminate the obvious issue you are having with some players finishing up combat inside the reach marker.
Rhi Groundside: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], As soon as we beamed down" to read "[Rank], as soon as we beamed down".
-Consider changing "There must be a one-way transort inhibitor" to read "There must be a one-way transport inhibitor".
-Two of the NPCs in the second group of prisoners are outside of the cage. Ensure they are all indie the cages.
Rhi Groundside #2: This is a good map design with some tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing the name of the map to Rhi Groundside Deck 2 or something along those lines. By having the map the same name as the previous one with "#2" does not really work with the story to this point.
-Consider adding initial dialogue indicating the Admiral is on this deck. It is indicated on the map but you should have some dialogue regarding it. Otherwise the player just starts moving and fighting until they stumble onto the Admiral.
Nebuchadnezzar #1: This is a nice map design with several tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-This is a minor point but something to consider. Consider changing the name of the map to Nebuchadnezzar Engineering Deck vice Nebuchadnezzar #1. By having the map name with "#1" does not really work with the story.
-The requirement of having the player battle their way across the map to be told by the Admiral to go back and fix an engineering issue seems to unnecessary. I will cover this in my summary above.
Nebuchadnezzar Bridge: This is a good map design with some fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-In the post secure the bridge dialogue with Fleet Admiral Marlasal; consider changing "[Rank] [NickName]" to read "[Rank] [LastName]".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "We're ready to recieve you" to read "We're ready to receive you".
Rhi System#2: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing the name of the map to Rhi System by deleting the "#2" at the end of the map name. When you make a copy of the map it forces you to create it with the "#2" but the Foundry will let you edit the map name to remove it. Using the numbering of maps during editing helps but the story looks better without them when publishing for play.
-Consider moving the spawn point back a little more from the current location. Perhaps a few meters or so. I backed up and swung around to engage them one at a time. As tempting as it was I did not go right after the big ship in the middle.
-Consider adding initial dialogue to explain the situation as part of the story.
-The post Survive the first wave dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], incoming transmission from the incoming romulan fleet" to read "[Rank], incoming transmission from the approaching Romulan fleet".
-In the post Survive the second wave dialogue with Fleet Admiral Marlasal; consider changing "[Rank] [NickName]" to read "[Rank] [LastName]".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Summary: This is a good combat oriented mission with nice map designs, several tough battles and well written story dialogue. There are a few spelling and punctuation errors listed below as well as some other issues that need to be resolved. One last thing, your estimate of 30 minutes is actually about an hour based on the combat involved. Despite these issues, the mission is has a good story to go along with the combat and I would definitely recommend this mission to other players.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is intriguing. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding a little more story to the description. You want to draw the player in so they are compelled to click the 'Hail' button.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is good grant dialogue with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial mission task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: :
Wolf 359 Space: This is a good map with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Captain Zarath dialogue; consider changing the response button "Start at the begining" to read "Start at the beginning".
-Consider changing the response button "Its a long story" to read "It's a long story".
-Consider changing "I know its not my place, but thats a member of my crew" to read "I know it's not my place, but that's a member of my crew".
Arucanis Arm: This is a good map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider adding a period at the end of the response button.
-Consider adding popup dialogue that comes up with each Tholian ship the player scans. At the least the first one, it just feels odd to fly along and scan each one without dialogue.
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to something more appropriate to the dialogue. This is especially important in a command situation, such as the arrival of more Tholian ships. From this point forward I will note the maps where I feel that response is over used.
-The post Fight Tholians dialogue; consider changing "Thats the last of the tholians" to read "That's the last of the Tholians".
-Consider changing "then theres only one reason" to read "then there's only one reason".
-Consider adding correct punctuation at the end of all response buttons. From this point forward I will note the maps needing punctuation on the response buttons.
-Consider changing the response button "And it was the tholians" to read "And it was the Tholians".
-The Captain Zarath dialogue; consider changing "That romulan said" to read "That Romulan said".
New Romulus: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The battle is engaged when the player arrives, so most players will not bother to read the initial dialogue and start fighting. Consider setting a trigger for the battle to start. You could alter the Fleet Admiral dialogue to reflect that the Tal Shiar ships are inbound then the fight starts once the player is there.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider adding a respawn point closer to the main fight.
-Consider adding correct punctuation at the end of all response buttons.
Tal Shiar Secondary Control Deck: This is a good map with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider adding a respawn point deeper in the map.
-Consider adding correct punctuation at the end of all response buttons.
-The post Reach Intersection dialogue; consider changing the comma to a period at the end of the sentence ending with "detail headed there now".
-The Tal Shiar Intelligence dialogue; consider changing "rather live out my lasts minutes peacefully" to read "rather live out my last minutes peacefully".
-Consider changing the response button "Your willing to sacrifice" to read "You're willing to sacrifice". Also consider changing "Your the terrorist" to read "You're the terrorist".
-The post Free Lt. Frost dialogue; consider changing "lets see what we have here" to read "let's see what we have here".
-Consider changing "I heard that romulan mention" to read "I heard that Romulan mention".
New Romulus: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider adding correct punctuation at the end of all response buttons.
-The Captain Zarath dialogue; consider changing "Theres no way of knowing" to read "There's no way of knowing".
Wolf 359 Space Return: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider adding a respawn point closer to the fighting.
-Consider adding correct punctuation at the end of all response buttons.
-The Captain Zarath dialogue; consider changing "Thats good enough for me" to read "That's good enough for me".
-Consider changing "the tholians have returned" to read "the Tholians have returned".
-Consider changing the response button "lets buy the Annapolis time" to read "let's buy the Annapolis time"
-The post Second Wave dialogue; consider changing "theres another ship coming in" to read "there's another ship coming in".
-The Cooperative cube gets destroyed pretty quickly by the Tholians. That appears to be a product of the distance from the player of the last wave.
-During the fighting of the last wave one of the ships is labeled and skinned as a "Mirror Universe Miranda Class Frigate". Consider checking all the skinned enemy mobs.
-The Captain Zarath dialogue; consider changing "best of luck in all your endeavers" to read best of luck in all you endeavors".
-The Message from the Author dialogue; consider changing "I hope you has as much fun" to read "I hope you had as much fun".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and leaving room for further story development. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 04/14/2015 on forum posting for: Yesterday's Starfleet
Comments
Author: EvilMark
Minimum Level: 41+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HSPPGK9Q5
Estimated Mission Length: 30 minutes
Thank you
Logitech007
Hi EvilMark,
Welcome to the queue. Your mission is 7th in the queue behind darmantj. Thanks for your submission. I will review your mission as soon as I can get to it.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi Logitech007,
Glad I could help by reviewing your mission and series. I enjoyed the story and your skills in development have definitely improved.
Thanks for authoring and keep it up.
Brian
Federation Mission - Rising from the Ashes part 1
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HJQAATP3J
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission but at least 2 hours long. There is nothing wrong with long missions as long as they keep the players attention. Yours definitely kept my attention. The map designs were good, the battles tough and the story dialogue was well written. The story has several spelling and grammatical errors in the dialogue; however the story itself is well thought out. I would recommend this mission to other players.
Time paradoxes are very tricky elements of any story. I am not going to address the Department of Temporal Investigations; otherwise I will be here a lot longer.
After the paragraph above the puzzle to decode the security layers issue seems small but I am going to address it anyway. The alien use of STO history to decrypt their database does not make sense. Especially since the answers are the exact same ones as the player helped the cadets on the first map in the review. I liked the hint button you provided in the puzzle but you need to consider redesigning the puzzle so that it does not depend on STO history. Of course this is also just a suggestion.
Below are several things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a nice description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Will you and your crew withstand these dark shadows or will they become one of these dark shadows" to read "Will you and the crew of the [ShipName] resist the dark shadows or will you be consumed by them?"
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is the same dialogue from the description, which appears to be a ongoing issue in your missions. Consider rewriting this dialogue to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Will you and your crew withstand these dark shadows or will they become one of these dark shadows" to read "Will you and the crew of the [ShipName] resist the dark shadows or will you be consumed by them?"
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Lecture Hall: This is good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted several items to consider changing:
-Consider changing all Help correct the Cadet's answer on his or her exam to optional rather than required tasks. You can make the recommendation that the player helps them but it should not be required. It is time consuming and unnecessary since the puzzle later in the mission has hints.
-The use of the response button "Continue" which is the default when nothing is entered for the button. Consider replacing it with " " or when used in conjunction with [OOC] dialogue put the last line of the dialogue in the response button.
-The design of the base is well done but the gaps above the doors look odd.
-Consider changing "[OOC]If you guys listen to him and his wisdom, you will learn a lot[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]You can learn a lot from him[/OOC]".
-It seems odd that you would tell the cadets that they can learn a lot from him and then insult him with the response button "What has the Admiral bore you Cadets with". It appears the intention was to make a joke but there is no follow through after the button. Consider changing it to read "What was the topic of the Admirals lesson".
-Consider changing the response button "That's is our history that needs to be learned" to read "That is a part of our history you need to learn".
-Consider changing the Cadet response "Who and in what year did the Romulan forge an alliance with the Elachi to further his plans following the destruction of Romulus" to read "Who was the Romulan that made an alliance with the Elachi following the destruction of Romulus, and in what year was the alliance made".
-The dialogue that begins with "In what year did the Voth" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten. In that same dialogue string you state the cadet answered "2409" and the correct answer was also "2409".
-Consider changing "Cadet's, that is enough of taking the [Rank] time" to read "Cadets, the [Rank] has spent enough time helping you".
-Consider changing "There are matters that [Rank] and I need to discuss" to read "There are matters I need to discuss with the [Rank]".
-Consider changing the response buttons to the cadets "Like wise, Cadet" to read "Likewise Cadet".
-Consider changing "In what year did the Remus could no longer be mined without risking a Praxis-like disaster" to read "In what year could Remus no longer be mined without risking a Praxis-like disaster".
-The last dialogue starting with "It was a pleasure meeting you" appears to be Admiral Jeff White but should be another cadet.
-Consider changing "I hope you can stop by and teach us a class here" to read "I hope you will be able to teach a class here sometime, [Rank]".
-Consider changing the response button "Maybe. Like wise, Cadet" to read "Perhaps I will. Take care".
-Consider changing "[Rank], I am now finishing talking to this cadet, you can come and talk to me in my office" to read "[Rank], I am finishing up in here and will meet you in my office".
-The Admiral Jeff White dialogue starts referring to the player by [Rank] and in the next frame calls the player "Captain". Consider removing "Captain" from that dialogue. It looks like you were doing that to start with since the dialogue starts off "Captain, Yesterday".
-Consider changing the response button "What was the Nova doing in Romulan Space" to read "What was the Nova doing in Romulan space".
-The response button that starts with "Jeff" seems out of place considering how they have both been addressing each other throughout this portion of the dialogue. Consider changing the response to "Admiral" vice "Jeff".
-Consider changing "they were working with the nova when they were lost" to read "they were working with the Nova when they were lost".
-Due to the volume of spelling and grammatical errors I will only note maps with these issues and not the specific issue. It will be up to you to review the dialogue on those maps.
Bassen Rift: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Commander T'Lee dialogue; consider changing "Captain it is good to meet you I wish it were under better circumstances" to read "Captain it is good to meet you, although I wish it were under better circumstances".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing the response button "As do I commander" to read "As do I Commander".
-The two dialogue windows following the players question about filtering out the Thalaron radiation seems unnecessary to the story and you should consider removing them.
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons, on this map for spelling and grammatical errors. There are a few.
-It appears you crossed the name of the ship "Veldix" and the Romulan Empire Captain "Valdix". In the dialoguem, following the "Scan grid 940-950" task, you have the player hail the "Valdix" vice the "Veldix" on the button, in the dialogue and the mission task.
-Consider removing the period from the response button ". Lets continue where they left off".
-Consider changing the response button "What how is that possible" to read "What? How is that possible?"
-Consider giving Commander Valdix's Romulan warbird a name.
-Following the engagement with Commander Valdix's ship you have the player hail the "Valdix" vice the "Veldix".
Alien Vessel: This is a very detailed map design with well written story dialogue but is still missing some elements. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons, on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are a few.
-Consider adding dialogue that follows the player "Looking around the alien bridge". Otherwise the tasks seem like a waste of time.
-Consider adding dialogue following the "Scan the Alien life form". It seems odd that the player would scan the alien life form and without a work beam back to the ship. Add some story dialogue that explains what they find during the scan and explaining why they suddenly beam back to the ship. There is no indication that they planned to beam the alien life form up.
Ready Room: This is a nice map design with well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]We sent over an away team[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with spelling and grammatical errors that needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "[OOC]The life form we bought on board has escaped to his vessel and has traveled through a time vortex[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]The life form we brought on board has escaped to his vessel and traveled through a time vortex[/OOC]".
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]We cannot let this life form[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-There is a time paradox problem with this story that I will discuss in detail in my summary above.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The dialogue that starts "I hereby give your permission" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "You may engage the enemy as you last resort" to read "You may only engage the enemy as a last resort".
Federation Romulan Neutral Zone: This is a good map design with intense optional combat and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "What can we expect to find here in Romulan Space" to read "What can we expect to find here in Romulan space".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The post Cross into Romulan Space dialogue; consider changing "so i would think both Romulan and Klingon vessels in Romulan space" to read "so I would think both Romulan and Klingon vessels would be in Romulan space".
-The dialogue that starts with "Their weapons don't pose" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing the response button "I will take it into consideration" to read I will take it under advisement".
-The dialogue that starts with "There is no T-Tari system" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing the response button "Is there a way we cannot be seen by the aliens" to read "Is there a way we can avoid being seen by the aliens".
-The dialogue that starts with "We could mask our ship" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "I am now picking up" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "I am now picking up Three Romulan D-7 cruisers" to read "I am picking up 3 Romulan D-7 cruisers".
-Consider changing "attack from two maybe five vessels but not five" to read "attack from 1, maybe 1 vessels but not 3".
-The dialogue that starts with "When you crossed the Neutral zones" is a run on sentence with spelling and grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue refers to 3 Romulan D-7 cruisers but a later response button refers to 5 D-7 vessels. This may explain the issue with dialogue above. You need to decide how many D-7 ships are there and fix the dialogue to match it.
-At the Enter the Time portal location consider adding a spatial distortion to make it look as if there is a time portal.
-After the player enters the time portal and is talking to Admiral Jeff White both the Yorktown and Trail are still visible. Consider making them invisible with the player passing through the portal.
-The map transfer dialogue refers to transporting to "Station K-9" but the next map is "Deep Space Four". Consider changing the dialogue to match the map change.
Deep Space Four: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider removing the NPC Chat dialogue selected under the Advanced Behavior settings. It serves no purpose in the story and based on the rate you have set they keep repeating the dialogue constantly.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing "[OOC]You longer belong there[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]You do not belong there[/OOC]".
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons, on this map for spelling and grammatical errors. There are a few.
-Consider changing the task "Go and decode the Security layers" to read "Decode the security layers".
-The puzzle to decode the security layers of the alien system being based on STO history does not make sense. I will cover this in more detail in the summary above.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]It had primary security layer[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider adding a period at the end of "[OOC]The history of the Atavus[/OOC]".
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]remains unclear they were[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]It has warp travel[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors that needs to be rewritten. Additionally it switches between present and past tense.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]They had a flagship[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten. Additionally it switches between present and past tense.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]Unfortunately that part[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten. Additionally consider changing "can not" to read "cannot".
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]Layer five[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "[OOC]ships travel back through time[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]ships travel through time[/OOC]".
Planet Surface: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "We can not be seen due to the prime directive" to read "We cannot be seen or we will be in violation of the prime directive".
-Consider changing "but yet we see that" to read "but we see them".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing the response button "I do not want to violated the Prime directive" to read "I do not want to violate the prime directive".
-The dialogue that starts with "It is hard to get" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "I don't think they have warp drive. I have not seen any" to read "I have not seen any indication of warp technology".
-Consider changing "me either" to read "Me either".
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons, on this map for spelling and grammatical errors. There are a few.
-The dialogue that starts with "Sir, Admiral White" is a run on sentence with spelling as well as grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
Holding Facility: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The dialogue that starts with "To leave the war zone" is a run on sentence with spelling as well as grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "As soon as your crew" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "The Atavus were a week" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]If your world[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]That is part of[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]To leave the war zone[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]Two shuttles were out of[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with spelling as well as grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons, on this map for spelling and grammatical errors. There are a few.
Federation Romulan Neutral Zone: This is a good map design with tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "What state the reasons to which you are in Alliance space" to read "State the reason you have entered Alliance space".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing "and enter the Romulan space" to read "and enter Romulan space".
-Consider changing "timeline that has already been done" to read "timeline than has already been done".
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]As long as we fix[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with spelling as well as grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "Go through the debris field" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]Set a course[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons, on this map for spelling and grammatical errors. There are a few.
-The dialogue that starts with "We have located the time period" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten. Additionally it switches between present and past tense.
-Consider adding a spatial distortion to make it look as if there is a time portal.
Federation Romulan Neutral Zone: This is a good map design with intense optional combat and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding a spatial distortion to make it look as if the ship is emerging from a time portal. Then make the spatial distortion disappear.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]We will beam down[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
Military Facility: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The response button that starts with "Is there a way" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "So the plan would be" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider switching the name of tasks "Set up the Charge Three" and "Set up the Charge Four" so that charge three is next to the door the player enters first. Of course you could resolve this by removing the numbers of the charges.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]You are ordered to[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]Let's get going[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a nice job developing this story. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work and this series in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 03/11/2015 on forum posting for: Rising from The Ashes Series.
Federation Mission - The Omnitabula - Awakening
Author: starfarertheta
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HESR65VWI
Report Start
Summary: This is an outstanding mission with excellent map designs, tough but balanced battles and good story dialogue. Some of your map designs are very intricate and look fantastic. I could run around them and just look at the details if I was not conducting a review.
I mentioned a problem with dialogue that follows certain response buttons coming up blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". With some instances of this I did not have to run the dialogue string to resolve it but on others I did. It seemed to occur on almost every map. I noted each map and instance where I saw it occur. That does not mean I caught every instance where it occurs. I thought it may be linked to the [Extended v.] dialogue you had in the story line; however I cannot be sure of that without a thorough analysis of each dialogue in the chain. Obviously, I do not have time for that even in my in depth review.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description with a lot of details. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant and follow on dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Add an additional space between "to decrypt it" and "Perhaps you'll have better luck".
-The dialogue that follows the response button "Bridge, plot a course for Risa. Maximum warp" is blank with no image or dialogue. The response button is "Continue".
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
On Risa [Risa]: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. The shuttle sequence was excellent. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
The Omnitabula [Audentia Conference Room]: This is a great map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The dialogue that follows the response button "Neither do I" is blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". After clicking Continue the dialogue closes and appears as an Ops button. The player must go through the dialogue again in order to finish it and bring up the next mission task. On the second run through of the dialogue I selected "Energize". It finished and gave me the map transfer text. From this point I will note the maps where this happens and cover it my summary above.
Ambush [Deep Space - Near Risa System]: This is a good map design with balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The dialogue that follows the response buttons "Red Alert" and "Red Alert! All hands to battlestations" is blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". The player does not have to go back through the dialogue to continue with the battle but this is still an issue.
-Consider changing the response button "Red Alert! All hands to battlestations" to read "Red Alert! All hands to battle stations".
-The dialogue that follows the response button "Keep them away from the Audentia" is blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". The player does not have to go back through the dialogue to continue with the battle but this is still an issue.
The Retired Admiral [Earth - East Eurasia - Gautier's House]: This is a great map design, especially the house and garden layout. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The dialogue that follows the response button "Nope" is blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". The player has to go through the dialogue again in order to finish it and bring up the next mission task.
The Return to Gautier dialogue; consider changing "I sincirely hope you brought" to read "I sincerely hope you brought".
The Competitive Duo [Station Alpha Rho 108]: This is a good map design with a good battle and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The post Defend yourself dialogue; consider changing "this gorn by any chance" to read "this Gorn by any chance".
A Cynic and a Squadron [System 2063-FC]: This is a good map design with tough but balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The dialogue that follows the response button "Good work, I think these will be very useful" is blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". The player has to go through the dialogue again in order to finish it and bring up the next mission task.
-The dialogue that follows the response button "Understood" is blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". The player has to go through the dialogue again in order to finish it and bring up the next mission task.
The Shadow Operative [Cardassia Prime]: This is a good map design with tough but balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The center shaft of the bomb goes right through a console. Is that intended? If not consider moving the bomb object out from the device.
The Retaking of the Orb [Somewhere in space ]: This is a good map design with tough but balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The dialogue that follows the response buttons "Understood. Good luck on that meeting" and "Understood. I look forward to what you have to say" is blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". The player has to go through the dialogue again in order to finish it and bring up the next mission task.
-The post Hold Out Against Enemy Forces battle dialogue response button "Understood" is blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". The player has to go through the dialogue again in order to finish it and bring up the next mission task.
Checkpoints [Deep Space - Near the Federation Border]: This is a good map design with nice transitions and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The dialogue that follows the response button "Understood, let's proceed with caution" is blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". The player has to go through the dialogue again in order to finish it and bring up the next mission task.
-The post Locate the Rogue Planet task dialogue response button "Understood" is blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". The player has to go through the dialogue again in order to finish it and bring up the next mission task.
On the Edge [Dead Zone]: This is a good map design with tough but balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-When the player arrives there is already a battle underway but the dialogue indicates the battle is about to start. Most likely the sequence is out of order in the story line with the dialogue and battle.
-The dialogue that follows the response button "Red Alert" is blank with no image or dialogue and the response button is "Continue". The player does not have to go back through the dialogue to continue with the battle but this is still an issue.
-Noted some of the enemy vessels have Borg cube debris when destroyed.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with this mission, especially with the maps, and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 03/12/2015 on forum posting for: Omnitabula.
I've just authored my first mission after checking out numerous tutorial videos, and thought I would take you up on your very kind offer of review. That being said, please find my information below, and thank you in advance for your time!
Mission Name: Forgotten Souls: Remnants
Author: kerda
Minimum Level: 41+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HMLKQRKYL
Estimated Mission Length: 20 - 25 minutes
Hi kerda,
Welcome to the Foundry and my queue. Your mission is currently 6th in the queue behind EvilMark. I hope to continue my progress on mission reviews over the next couple of weeks, which means I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi Brian,
Thank you for considering a review of my Foundry mission. Looking forward to hearing your feedback.
Regards,
Derek
Thank you for reviewing my second mission, i am taking a look at the issues that you have brought up and will make whatever changes i need too.
Thank you so very much.
Logitech007
Hi Logitech007,
I enjoyed the mission and particularly your map designs. As always I am glad I could help.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - A past Forgotten
Author: Gromio
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HHFMTI48V
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission with a lot of potential to be a great mission. The map designs are good and the battles are tough, especially on the last couple of maps where they become very tough. To be clear, when I say the story dialogue is well written, I mean the story flows and makes sense. In your mission that is exactly what I meant by saying that on the maps below. The spelling errors are fairly significant along with some grammatical errors as well but the overall story is compelling and worth the play. Without revealing the story, your explanation in the story explaining the player's abilities is very well done. I would recommend this mission to other players. You should consider creating a posting in the in the Foundry forum to highlight your mission. You can also put in updates and draw more players to your missions.
The description needs work. The first paragraph is good as is. The second paragraph almost seems like a discussion that would be better suited to the forums rather than a mission description. In the simplest of terms, players play the missions because they can accomplish great things against the odds. Having played the mission I understand what you are going for but it really does not entice players to play the mission. Your third paragraph warns the player that your mission has "Lots of combat and reading". Usually players do not mind a combination of both with as long as the story is well written. There are players who like one or the other and not both. This is where you can place a summary button in the dialogue. That allows the player to skip over the longer dialogue segments and receive a summary of info needed for the mission. Then they can continue on with the mission. In your description you give the warning "Do NOT play on ELITE". This tells most experienced players that your combat is not balanced, which some will find a challenge and others will not. Most will not bother playing because your description, as written, warns them not to.
Issues with spelling and grammar can be mitigated by using a word processor with spelling and grammar checking. You can use this type of program to write the mission and make sure it makes sense. This link provides you with a script template I use to write my stories and have recommended to other authors as well. Using the script to write the dialogue will also help avoid spelling, grammatical and punctuation errors. It will also help you keep the story straight and the NPCs assigned correctly. In the case of your vision issues it will act as a stop gap measure to help you prevent the spelling errors by finding them before you put them into the story dialogue. When I first started using the template I had a problem with STO crashing because I was running it in full screen and using the "Windows" button to jump back to the desktop. Eventually I figured out that if I kept STO windowed I could easily switch between the Foundry and my script without crashing the game. That is the method I recommend you and other authors use to create mission dialogue.
As I mentioned earlier the enemy mobs the player must fight to complete the Subspace pocket#2 map are almost all high level and right on top of each other. The player ends up alone slugging their way through the battles, respawning several times. This would be appropriate for as many as two, perhaps three enemy groups but beyond that it is less of a challenge and more annoying. If a player has to respawn more than once, perhaps twice, to finish off an enemy then they may be too powerful. If the player spends almost 30 to 45 minutes to finish up battles on a single map they are too strong and there are too many of them.
Let's talk about ranks use versus character first name and capitalization of ranks. A common issue I find in many missions is the use of [Rank] versus [FirstName] in the dialogue. It is generally okay to use the [FirstName] when the player is alone with the BOFFs. When in command situations on the bridge or ship in space it would generally be better to use Captain or [Rank] in the dialogue. This shows a sign of respect when under the view of the rest of the crew. We have all seen the TV shows and movies where the BOFF refers to the captain by their first name. If you notice they are generally in the company of fellow BOFFs or alone with the captain. As for capitalization of ranks such as captain and admiral, a good rule of thumb is the context. What that means is when referring to a specific person such as "Captain Tellsha" or "Admiral Jones" you would capitalize the rank. When referring to the rank alone you would not capitalize, such as "The ship has a captain".
One last thought regarding capitalization of factions and races in the dialogue. This is another fairly common issue I find during my mission reviews. In the game it is generally accepted that factions are capitalized, such as Federation, Klingon, Romulan, Reman and so on. Additionally the organizations like Starfleet would be capitalized. Here is the tricky part; would it be the Human race or human race? In this case I would probably not call either usage an issue. A faction would be the Federation, Klingon or Romulan but each are made up of races like Human, Tellarite, Vulcan, Klingon, Gorn, Romulan and Reman. So which is it? Generally speaking it is better to capitalize factions and races rather than not. I would most likely ding your mission if you do not. Does that mean you would lose rating stars? Probably not just for that.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The first paragraph of the description is good. It has enough intrigue to draw the player in and with a little more story it would be great. You want something that draws the player in and makes them want to click 'Hail'. I will discuss the rest of the description in my summary above. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "discovery of the melineium" to read "discovery of the millennium".
-Consider changing "and against the impossoble" to read "and against the impossible".
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is good but needs a little work as indicated below. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "We have recived a message from a Reman vessle requesting for you to meet with them" to read "We have received a message from a Reman vessel requesting you meet with them".
-Consider changing "The captain was quite insistant, and only went into vague details, on his reasons" to read "The captain gave no specific details regarding his reasons for wanting to meet with you"
-Consider changing "What is clear however is that the Remans are asking" to read "What is clear is the Remans are asking".
Mission Task: The initial task is okay but you should modify it to be more oriented towards the mission. The start location is okay but there is nothing in the task that relates to why the player is going there. You already clearly state where the mission starts in both the description and grant dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing it to read "Meet the Reman Captain in the Khellian System, Psi Velorium sector block".
Mission Entry Prompt: This is good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Space: This is a good map with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-In the initial dialogue the tactical BOFF refers to the player by their first name. This may be appropriate in certain situations but as a general rule the BOFF should not refer to the player by their first name. Consider changing this to "Captain" or "[Rank]". I will cover this in my summary above.
-The Lotar dialogue; consider changing "extremly more freqient in their" to read "extremely more frequent in their".
-Consider changing "Anicent Reman ruins were found during a minning excavation, I have one of our surving researchers here with me" to read "Ancient Reman ruins were found during a mining operation. I have one of our surviving researchers here with me".
-Consider changing the response button "Standing by to recive him" to read "Standing by to receive him".
-The Reman Historian dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]You recive warp quardonates from the remans[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]You receive warp coordinates from the Remans[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "there were also writtings in Klingon" to read "there were also writing in Klingon".
-Consider changing the response button "Facinating" to read "Fascinating".
-Consider changing "of a culture I did not reconize" to read "of a culture I did not recognize".
-Consider changing the response button "Please tell my conn officer set the cordinates" to read "Please give my conn officer the coordinates".
-Consider changing "[OOC]You contune traveling for[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]You continue traveling for[/OOC]".
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]The Remans[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "But there seems to be a problem one of the battle Cruisers stayed behind" to read "But there seems to be a problem. One of the battle cruisers stayed behind".
-Consider changing the response button "Sheilds up" to read "Shields up".
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons on this map for spelling and grammatical errors.
Si'lo system: This is a nice map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[OOC]You have never meet the D'regan in battle, infact you hoped never to cross the ship at all[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]You have never met the D'regan in battle. In fact you had hoped never to cross paths with this ship at all[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Both it and it's Captain have become a terrifying sight on the war front, for good reason[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Both the ship and its Captain have become legendary on the war front, for good reason[/OOC]".
-The dialogue that starts with "[OOC]The ship has been involved[/OOC]" is a run on sentence with grammatical errors and needs to be rewritten.
-The T'vlak dialogue; consider changing "and to whos, my own family is indebted to" to read "and to whom my family is indebted to".
-Two locations in the dialogue you spell it "Sheildmaiden" when it should be spelled "Shield Maiden".
-Consider changing "I also intned to learn who" to read "I also intend to learn who".
-Consider changing "another group fo Romulans is approaching" to read "another group of Romulans is approaching".
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons on this map for spelling and grammatical errors.
Ruins -floor 1: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Captain Tellsha dialogue button; consider changing "Talk to Cpt. Tellsha" to read "Talk to Captain Tellsha". This has to be done by renaming the NPC to Captain Tellsha vice Cpt. Tellsha.
-Consider changing the response button "Have we meet" to read "Have we met".
-The Enraged T'vlak dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]The klingons words[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]The Klingons words[/OOC]".
-The Tal Shair jailer dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]He attepemts to crawl twords you[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]He attempts to crawl towards you[/OOC]".
-The T'vlak dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]T'vlak looks up to hthe Bajoran[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]T'vlak looks up to the Bajoran[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]a look of embrasament crosses his feaures and is replaced by anager[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]a look of embarrassment crosses his features and is replaced by anger[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]loking ot the Romualn[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]looking at the Romulan[/OOC]".
-Consider changing the response button "Go talk ot the Deferi" to read "Go talk to the Deferi".
- The Captain Tellsha dialogue; consider changing "in answer to your qurestion we met after the Jem'hadar from the war came through the Celsital temple" to read "in answer to your question we met after the Jem'Hadar from the war came through the Celestial temple".
-The button for the Scan the captive task is labeled "Talk to Starfleet Guard Human Female 01". This happens because you did not change the default name of the NPC on the map. Consider changing name to the NPC character name.
-Consider changing the dialogue box name "Sheildmainden first officer" to read "Shield Maiden First Officer".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "no signs of enemy vesles" to read "no signs of enemy vessels".
-Consider changing "see what the Romualns wanted here" to read "see what the Romulans wanted here".
-Consider changing "any readings throught this archway" to read "any reading through this archway".
-Consider changing "the area behidn it doesn't" to read "the area behind it doesn't".
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons on this map for spelling and grammatical errors.
Unknown: This is a good map with tough but fun optional battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue states "Furthermore this world has no plant life", which I am not sure how this applies to the story. Also, I play with high detail on and it is full of plant life. Be aware of the maps design when setting them up. A good rule of thumb I discovered when building maps is almost all surfaces have details of some sort. They may not be visible on regular settings. Consider removing the line about plant life.
-The Scan the area task button is labeled "Interact", which is the default button when not filled in by the author. Consider changing it to "Scan the area".
-I did not see any dialogue following the Scan the area task. Consider adding dialogue regarding "energy readings" that cause the next task.
-Consider changing the task "Find cause of the enrgy readings" to read "Find cause of the energy readings".
-The Star chart dialogue; consider changing "[MissionInfo]it you notice several costolations you know[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]it you notice several constellations you know[/MissionInfo]".
Si'lo system#2: This is a good map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Just FYI the "#2" in the map name can be removed by you once you make a copy of the existing map.
-The unknown hail dialogue; consider changing "We ned that weapon now" to read "We need that weapon now".
-Consider changing "may be reqiuired shortly" to read "may be required shortly".
-Consider changing "with or without succses" to read "with or without success".
-Consider changing "I will not let my people be Teran slaves" to read "I will not let my people be Terran slaves".
-The Hail Romulan ships dialogue; consider changing "The hostile ship is respoinding [Rank]" to read "The hostile ship is responding [Rank]".
-In the response button you have one with "character" and the other is "Character". Either one works in this context but they should be the same.
-The Star Commend Hakeev dialogue; consider changing "Seems fitting starfleet would send you" to read "Seems fitting Starfleet would send you".
-Consider changing "it's ironic though [FirstName] [LastName] helping a group" to read "It's ironic though [FirstName] [LastName] helping a group".
-Consider changing "your eyes lack the crulety of your counterpart" to read "your eyes lack the cruelty of your counterpart".
-Consider changing "Perhaps your federation truly is difernt" to read "Perhaps your Federation truly is different".
-Consider changing "even if i need their knowalge" to read "even if I need their knowledge".
-Consider changing "you have sen are merely" to read "you have seen are merely".
-Consider changing "all these enmeiees you face" to read "all these enemies you face".
-Consider changing "Of course i would expect" to read "Of course I would expect".
-Consider changing the response button "What have the terrans done to you" to read "What have the Terrans done to you".
-Consider changing "Honestly how are you controllling those planet killers" to read "Honestly, how are you controlling those planet killers".
-Consider changing "wont bring a tear to the eye" to read "won't bring a tear to the eye".
-Consider changing the response button "I cant let you do that" to read "I can't let you do that".
-During the Destroy the armada task the D'regan is destroyed very quickly and I had to respawn several times to finish the battle. Consider spreading out the attacking mobs and not making them all high level.
-The Star Commander Hakeev dialogue; consider changing "that conversaion let me" to read "that conversation let me".
-Consider changing the response button "Your mad" to read "You're mad".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing the response button "engage maximum warp" to read "Engage maximum warp".
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons on this map for spelling and grammatical errors. There are quite a few.
Bridge: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The T'vlak dialogue; consider changing "for it's prowess in battle" to read "for its prowess in battle".
-The Federation Path dialogue; consider changing the response button "Please get to the point Engsin" to read "Please get to the point Ensign".
-Consider changing "sealed and imprisioned so that none" to read "sealed and imprisoned so that none".
-Consider changing the response button "[YOur combadge signals suddenly] Yes" to read "[Your combadge signals suddenly] Yes".
-The dialogue that starts with "[FirstName], we have arrived" has punctuation, spelling and grammatical errors that needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "I'm surprised starfleet has no record" to read "I'm surprised Starfleet has no record".
-The dialogue that starts with "[MissionInfo]You are thrown to the ground[/MissionInfo]" is a run on sentence with spelling and grammatical errors that needs to be rewritten.
-The map transfer dialogue response button "Go to Next Map" is the default setting when nothing is entered in the button. Consider changing it to "Everyone hold on" or something other than the default.
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons on this map for spelling and grammatical errors.
Subspace pocket: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Belive we may need" to read "Believe we may need".
-Consider changing "Fortunatly today is a good" to read "Fortunately today is a good".
-Consider changing "[OOC]A flash of brigh light appears in the middel fo your bridge[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]A flash of bright light appears in the middle of your bridge[/OOC]"
-The Q dialogue; consider changing "Fate has a sense of iorny it seems" to read "Fate has a sense of irony it seems".
-Consider changing "maintain the prision" to read "maintain the prison".
-Consider changing "your foe influcen your reality" to read "your foe to influence your reality".
-Consider changing "will wait fo rus to finsih talking" to read "will wait for us to finish talking".
-Consider changing "Personally i think its an improvement" to read "Personally I think it's an improvement".
-Consider changing "[OOC]officers are returewd to normal[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]officers are returned to normal[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "[OOC]starts moving twords the turbo lift[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]starts moving towards the turbo lift[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "that rather apprnet" to read "that rather apparent".
-Consider changing "a Dominion dreadnagught" to read "a Dominion dreadnaught".
-Consider changing "Their shildes are all raised sir but they arent firing on eachother" to read "They've all raised their shields but aren't firing on each other".
-Consider changing "This area seems realativly unstable sir" to read "This area seems relatively unstable Captain".
-The dialogue that starts with "In any case captain" is a run on sentence with capitalization, punctuation and spelling errors that needs to be rewritten. For example when referring to a rank it is appropriate to use lower case, such as "the ships commanding officer is referred to as captain". If referring to the rank associated with a name or addressing the person, "In any case Captain".
-Consider changing the task "Reach Transport Cordonates" to read "Reach Transport Coordinates".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "I'm detectign enemy groups on the ground sir" to read "I'm detecting enemy groups on the ground Captain".
-Consider changing "There seems to be a battle going on. down there" to read "There seems to be a battle going on down there".
-Consider changing the response button "Assualt team Beta to transporter room six" to read "Assault team Beta to transporter room one".
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons on this map for spelling and grammatical errors.
Temple Exterior: This is a good map design with some challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "It almost looks exactly Vulcan" to read "It looks almost exactly like Vulcan".
-Consider changing "The diffrneces are so moinor it's nearlt identical" to read "The differences are so subtle it's nearly identical".
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Move out".
-The Enter the temple task button is "Interact" which is the default button. Consider changing it to read "Enter the temple" or something along those lines. Consider adding a single dialogue box following the task regarding the ambush.
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons on this map for spelling and grammatical errors.
Temple interior: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Rangkarsork dialogue; consider changing "and my vengeance can be had" to read "and my vengeance is at hand".
-Consider changing "time that you can not remember me" to read "time that you cannot remember me".
-Consider changing "[MissionInfo]your crew look to you[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]your crew looks to you[/MissionInfo]".
-Consider changing "will be so easily destoyred" to read "will be so easily destroyed".
-Consider changing the task "Defend yourslef" to read "Defend yourself".
-The post Continue the battle dialogue; consider changing "able to inflict damge to me" to read "able to inflict damage to me".
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read " "
-The post Fight on Warrior dialogue; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "I have had enough of you".
-The Q dialogue; consider changing "You could eliminate the threat to the galaxy and all you hold dear and you deny that power" to read "You could eliminate the threats to the galaxy and all you hold dear. Yet you deny that power".
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "That is who I am"
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "going on with all this destroyer" to read "going on with all this destruction".
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons on this map for spelling and grammatical errors.
Subspace pocket#2: This is a nice map design with several very tough battles. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Remember the "#2" in the map name can be removed by you once you make a copy of the existing map.
-Consider changing the task "Evicerate the Voth" to read "Eviscerate the Voth".
-Consider changing the initial dialogue response button "Continue" to read "We shall see".
-The enemy mobs the player must fight to complete this map are almost all high level, right on top of each other and the player ends up fighting them alone. Consider scaling them back or at least spreading them out more to balance the battles. I will cover this in my summary.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Sir the pocket is colapsing" to read "Captain, the pocket is collapsing".
-Consider changing the response button "Get us out of here Maximum warp" to read "Get us out of here, maximum warp".
Bajor: This is a nice map design but needs a little work on background characters. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The city is completely empty and feels like it was rushed putting it together to close out your mission. Consider adding background NPCs moving and standing around the streets. This will make it look more populated.
-Consider changing the task "Speak to T'ellsha and T'vlak" to read "Speak to Tellsha and T'vlak".
-The Captain Tellsha dialogue button; as before, consider changing "Talk to Cpt. Tellsha" to read "Talk to Captain Tellsha". This has to be done by renaming the NPC to Captain Tellsha vice Cpt. Tellsha.
-Consider changing "to rescue a federation diplomat" to read "to rescue a Federation diplomat".
-Consider changing "Thankyou again" to read "Thank you again".
-Consider changing "of battle I would pleased" to read "of battle I would be pleased".
-Consider changing "to the nutreal zone" to read "to the neutral zone".
-Consider changing the response button "Live long and Porsper, friend" to read "Live long and prosper, friend".
-The Thank you dialogue; consider changing "Thankyou for playing my mission" to read "Thank you for playing my mission".
-Consider changing "as I did writting it" to read "as I did writing it".
-Consider changing "I value creative crisitisms and opinions" to read "I value creative criticisms and opinions".
-Consider changing "If I've missed any spelling erros please tell me" to read "If I've missed any spelling errors please tell me".
-Consider changing the response button "Finish: A Past Fogotten" to read "Finish: A Past Forgotten.
-Consider checking all the dialogue, including response buttons on this map for spelling and grammatical errors.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job with the story but need to fix the spelling and battle balancing to make it a great mission.
Brian
Thank you for the review; and I agree on quite a few of those points.
My original script actually called for the R.R.W. Ikatho to return along with another Federation ship so each faction was represented regardless of player faction; they just had a minor role, so I forgot to add them in.
In my play tests I never had the D'regan get destroyed but I'll take your word for it.
Any other suggestions, you might have?
Also:
I had a question if you'll answer it: my last test of the final space map I had the Romulan ships teleporting back to the player spawn point. I'm wondering if that occurred to you as it's not intentional?
Megwhich (thankyou).
The Foundry, and my love of Star Trek
ID: ST-HIKR5YADT
Author: starfarertheta
Faction: Federation
Level: 51+
Length: Estimated 50-70 minutes
Door: Risa
Description:
The informally self-labeled Task Force Impromptu is now effectively distanced from any help within the Deadzone. With no way out for the next decade, only one mission remains: finding Xausea, the homeworld whence the Omnitabula was made. There lies a potential wealth of knowledge the equal of the Preserver Archives, and a small hope of a way home.
But what will be found within the Deadzone will only begin to reveal the true nature of what is yet to come...
Mission Name: Deus In Machina
Author: Thomas_Baston
Minimum Level: 46+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HIYASJH9I
Estimated Mission Length: 60 - 90 minutes
Door: Hromi Cluster in Pi Canis Sector Block
Many thanks!
Hi Zionus0,
Sorry for not getting back to you sooner but it has been a busy couple of weeks both personally and at work. I am pretty sure I covered everything in the report that I can think of. I hope it helps.
Thanks for authoring. As I have said many times and will continue to say, the missions authored make the STO environment far more enjoyable to play.
Brian
Hi starfarertheta,
Welcome back to the queue with your next mission in the series. This mission is currently 6th in the queue behind kerda. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi Thomas,
Welcome to the queue. Your mission is currently 7th in the queue behind starfarertheta. I will review your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Title: Rise of Mol'Rihan
Author: @P_Sutherland
Mission ID: ST-HGYI9LOK4
Language: English
Level: 51+
Faction: Federation / Fed-Romulan
Start: New Romulus (aka Mol'Rihan ... or Dewa III.)
(Starting point will change when the New Romulus System becomes available.)
Hi P_Sutherland,
Welcome to the queue. Your mission is 8th in the queue behind Thomas_Baston. I would be happy to provide you with an in depth review as soon as I can get to your mission.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - Boarding action
Author: SirKnightNight
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HT2QX4S4J
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission with some challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted several spelling, grammar and punctuation errors in the dialogue but overall it was a good story. I would recommend it to other players who like a good story combined with challenging but fun combat.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a brief description and perhaps too brief. Consider adding a little more story so the player wants to click 'Hail'. For example, what are we supposed to board? I noted one item to consider changing;
-Consider changing "reached the federation" to read "reached the Federation.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The initial grant dialogue is okay but there are spelling errors. The follow on dialogue is good but has spelling errors as well. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "straght from the top" to read "straight from the top".
-The follow on dialogue, consider changing "Starfleet Intel reports that the empire has developed a new weapon" to read "Intel reports indicate the Klingons have developed a new weapon".
-Consider changing "It is likly a spinoff" to read "It is likely a spinoff".
-Consider changing "The time for sneaking is over, now we need action" to read "The time for covert operations is over, now is the time for action".
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: The entry prompt was a little confusing. Because STO has added spotlight missions to the entry points of at least star systems your entry did not stand out. The only thing that gave it away was the button stated "continue" which seemed odd. Consider changing the button to the title of the mission or a response that is appropriate to the entry dialogue.
MAPS:
The strike force: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue" is excessive. Consider using an appropriate response or " " for the response button. From this point forward I will note the maps where the use of "Continue" is excessive.
-The initial introduction dialogue, consider changing the top response button "The boxer" to read "The Boxer".
-The Boxer dialogue, consider changing "ship, Modified atrox equiped for" to read "ship, modified Atrox equipped for"
-Consider changing "Real beauty,top of the line" to read "Real beauty, top of the line".
-The Sir Robin dialogue, consider changing "engineer first and a galaxy is perfect" to read "engineer first and a Galaxy is perfect".
-Consider changing "Good ship,better crew" to read "Good ship, better crew".
-Consider changing "more times than i care to count" to read "more times than I care to count".
-The Ghost dialogue; consider changing "Small unit. mostly light escorts and crusiers" to read "Small unit, mostly light escorts and cruisers".
-Consider changing "The squad itself is scrapped together from what was left of the lads we had left from the Borg assaults and the Dyson sphere" to read "The squad was put together from what was left after the Borg and Dyson Sphere campaigns".
-The shipyards dialogue, consider changing "of the black-ops in klingon space prep up" to read "of the black-ops in Klingon space prepare".
-The Go time dialogue, consider changing "Admiral alexander is hailing us" to read "Admiral Alexander is hailing us".
-Consider changing the response button "Onscren" to read "On screen".
-Consider changing "The boxer is ready ,[LastName]" to read "The Boxer is ready, [LastName]".
-Consider changing the response button "ready to jump" to read "Ready to jump".
-Consider removing the need for the player to maneuver to the jump point. You can do this by placing a large invisible object at the location where the player stops to talk to the Sir Robin.
The testing ground: This is a nice map design with plenty of challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue" is excessive.
-The mission task, consider changing "Disabe the weapon" to read "Disable the weapon".
-Consider adding dialogue in between the fights regarding the ship status and other units. This would include direction to the next battle.
-Consider changing the mission task "Move towards the weaon" to read "Move towards the weapon".
-Consider adding a non-combat version of the weapon ship and the escort to help the player see where to go. You can then have the non-combat unit disappear while the enemy unit appears.
-Consider changing "Sorry i'm late" to read "Sorry I'm late".
-Consider changing the mission task "Disabe the I.K.S chenmoHMogh" to read "Disable the I.K.S. chenmoHMogh".
-The post Disabe the I.K.S chenmoHMogh task dialogue, consider changing "You and your away team is to beam to the cargo bay and secure it for the science teams" to read "Your team will beam to the cargo bay and secure it for the science teams".
-Consider changing "his team will secure Engineering" to read "his team will secure engineering".
-Consider changing "the bridge and atempt to secure" to read "the bridge and attempt to secure".
-Consider changing "We can not let this opertunity pass over" to read "We cannot let this opportunity pass us by". There also needs to be a period at the end of the sentence.
-Consider changing "Ready to go [LastName] ?" to read "Ready to go [LastName]?"
Cargo bay: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue" is excessive.
-The initial task says "Secure the hanger" but the map name is "Cargo bay". You need to change the task to something appropriate for taking the cargo bay.
-The initial dialogue, consider changing the response button "surrender and you will not be harmed" to read "Surrender and you will not be harmed".
-Consider changing the response button "Using a super weapons is not" to read "Using a super weapons is not".
-You need to add respawn points deeper in the map.
-The console for the "Mark Target" task interaction button is labeled "Interact" which is the default label. Consider changing it to read "Mark target".
-The post Mark Target dialogue, consider changing "Ready to blow this thing to kingdome come" to read "Ready to blow this thing to kingdom come".
The Weapon: This is a nice map with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The map transfer dialogue and response button is the default entries, which need to be changed. Consider changing the dialogue "Go to Next Map" to read "We have a lock on the away team".
-Consider changing the response button "Go to Next Map" to read "Energize".
U.S.S. Boxer: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue" is excessive.
-Consider changing "So much potental" to read "So much potential".
-Consider changing "Keller will be punnished for his actions" to read "Keller will be punished for his actions".
-Consider changing "For Acting against my direct orders and destroying an asset to the federation" to read "For disobeying my direct orders and destroying a potential asset for the Federation".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Again, thanks for the review (Not gonna lie, took me about 2 hours to read because of minor "Oh god I made someone waste their time is this TRIBBLE" feeling) and I'm looking forward to reading your reaction to my next trainwreck.
-Knight
Ghost in the machine
ST-HKOQHNRS8
lvl 41+
Mission Name: Ghost in the Machine
Author: @helixfungus
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HKOQHNRS8
Estimated Mission Length: 30-40 minutes
Start: Kei System, Sirius Sector
The story goes like this: Apparently you saved a lot of Gamma Margoulis colonists from Borg assimilation. But you cannot remember a thing... you will retrieve those memories back with the help of a ...Q
Hi Knight,
As always I am glad my review was able to help you refine your techniques. To be clear I was not saying the mission was terrible and a waste of player's time.
I look forward to reviewing your next project when it is ready.
Thanks
Brian
Hi helixfungus,
Welcome back to the queue with your latest mission. This mission is currently 8th in the queue behind P_Sutherland's mission. I will review this mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
I feel like you missed mine. If not, may i have an update to where I am in the queue?
Hi darmantj,
I have not missed your mission. With the review completion of the Into the Badlands mission today your mission, The Captain Is Never Told is next in the queue.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - Into the Badlands...Again
Author: Captain_TK17
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HPXOUWETZ
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. The map designs are good but need a little tweaking here and there as indicated below. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players as it was fun. You should also consider adding a forum posting listing this mission so other players know about it.
I have talked about using the title Captain vice [Rank] in the dialogue before in other reviews. The dialogue in this particular mission really makes my point in this regard. In this mission the highest ranking person is Admiral Dewe; however my character is a Vice Admiral, so it seems a little odd that I would be taking orders from someone of lower rank. In order to make your immersion efforts more effective you should use the title of Captain vice [Rank] in this mission. It is what I recommend in most missions where someone of lower rank may be in charge. In the Navy we called it positional authority.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is very brief. Consider adding more about the story, something that draws the player in and makes them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is very detailed and well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[Rank], on of our ships" to read "[Rank], one of our ships".
-Consider changing "the U.S.S. Aeolia soomwhere within" to read "the U.S.S. Aeolia somewhere within".
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial mission task. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: The entry prompt is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "was preforming a surveillence and survey" to read "was performing a surveillance and survey".
MAPS:
Badlands: This is a good mission with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The respawn point appeared to be farther away from the fight. Consider placing the respawn point close to the Aeolia.
USS Aeolia: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Cargo Bay 2: This is a good map with some tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The setup of the map does not work. You have the player start in the middle, go to the north room fighting Cardassians and then to the south room to fight the leader. Consider changing the player spawn point either start in the north room moving south or south room moving north. Then you can make the enemy mobs progressively tougher. Having the player run from one side of the map to the other is a waste of time.
Missing Crew: This is a nice map design with some tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-As the player comes up to each cadet the pattern enhancers are already visible. Consider having the pattern enhancers be invisible until the player sets them up. Then trigger the cadet being beamed out following the player setting up the enhancer.
-The first cadet and enhancer are slightly up the hill. Consider moving them both to the flat ground next to the hill.
-The player never sets up a pattern enhancer for the Admiral's daughter so she is still there when the player beams out. Consider adding the task of setting up the enhancer and having the NPC beam out.
Badlands#2: This is a good map design with some very tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the name of the map to Badlands by deleting the "#2" at the end of the map name. When you make a copy of the map it forces you to create it with the "#2" but the Foundry will let you edit the map name to remove it.
-Consider changing the location of the second and third enemy waves to be one after the other. Having them in different directions is unnecessary and adds nothing to the story.
Mars: This is a nice map but serves no purpose to the story. The player receives one line of dialogue and then the map transfer dialogue. Consider removing this map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing the response button "Ahead, full impusle" to read "Ahead, full impulse".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing the response button "Beam to Utopia Plantitia" to read "Beam to Utopia Planitia".
Utopia Plantitia: This is a nice map but serves no purpose to the story. The player receives one line of dialogue and then the end of mission dialogue. Consider removing this map and moving the "Mission Accomplished" dialogue here to the Badlans#2 map. That map is where the mission should end. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-If you are going to keep this map consider changing the name from "Utopia Plantitia" to read "Utopia Planitia".
-The Meet and Greet dialogue; consider changing "Welcome to Utopia Planitia" to read "Welcome to Utopia Planitia".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Federation Mission - The Captain Is Never Told
Author: darmantj
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HTHP420M3
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission with good map designs, challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. With the enemy mobs that the player must engage your mission is at least an hour vice 35 minutes but is still worth playing. I would recommend this mission to other players. Consider creating a forum posting to advertise your missions.
On the Nebuchadnezzar #1 map I mention the requirement of having the player battle their way across the map to be told by the Admiral to go back and fix engineering elements. I noted a comment in your feedback that discussed this very issue and I have to agree with them about the need to change this. Having the player do this seemed unnecessary in the grand scheme of the mission. Consider moving the Admirals dialogue to fix the equipment as initial dialogue when the player arrives on the map. The player can then fix the engineering equipment while heading to where the Admiral is located. This would make the story flow much better and stop the player from having to cross the same area of the map twice. Then the player talks to the Admiral who sends them to bring the impulse engines back online. That makes the whole map and story flow so much better.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description with a brief but well written story. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding the start location as [MissionInfo] dialogue to the description. This makes the start location for your first custom map available anytime if needed.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good task but if you add the start location to your description you can shorten this task to something more appropriate to the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Ra'Kholh System: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue" is over used. Consider changing it to an appropriate response to the dialogue. My recommendations on this issue are well documented in my reviews so from this point I will note the maps where this is an issue.
-Consider removing the [OOC] dialogue on the map transfer text warning the player about the reach marker issue. If this is a problem then consider changing the reach marker to an invisible object that the player must interact with. Either way the issue needs to be addressed on the map where it is a problem and not before hand.
Rhi System: This is a nice map design with challenging battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The enemy mobs may need to be spread out a little more and consider moving the respawn point to a more central location that is outside of the enemy mobs location. Where you have the respawn point now if the player has to use it they end up in the middle of all the mobs.
-Consider changing the reach marker to an invisible object the player must interact with. This will eliminate the obvious issue you are having with some players finishing up combat inside the reach marker.
Rhi Groundside: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], As soon as we beamed down" to read "[Rank], as soon as we beamed down".
-Consider changing "There must be a one-way transort inhibitor" to read "There must be a one-way transport inhibitor".
-Two of the NPCs in the second group of prisoners are outside of the cage. Ensure they are all indie the cages.
Rhi Groundside #2: This is a good map design with some tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing the name of the map to Rhi Groundside Deck 2 or something along those lines. By having the map the same name as the previous one with "#2" does not really work with the story to this point.
-Consider adding initial dialogue indicating the Admiral is on this deck. It is indicated on the map but you should have some dialogue regarding it. Otherwise the player just starts moving and fighting until they stumble onto the Admiral.
Nebuchadnezzar #1: This is a nice map design with several tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-This is a minor point but something to consider. Consider changing the name of the map to Nebuchadnezzar Engineering Deck vice Nebuchadnezzar #1. By having the map name with "#1" does not really work with the story.
-The requirement of having the player battle their way across the map to be told by the Admiral to go back and fix an engineering issue seems to unnecessary. I will cover this in my summary above.
Nebuchadnezzar Bridge: This is a good map design with some fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-In the post secure the bridge dialogue with Fleet Admiral Marlasal; consider changing "[Rank] [NickName]" to read "[Rank] [LastName]".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "We're ready to recieve you" to read "We're ready to receive you".
Rhi System#2: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing the name of the map to Rhi System by deleting the "#2" at the end of the map name. When you make a copy of the map it forces you to create it with the "#2" but the Foundry will let you edit the map name to remove it. Using the numbering of maps during editing helps but the story looks better without them when publishing for play.
-Consider moving the spawn point back a little more from the current location. Perhaps a few meters or so. I backed up and swung around to engage them one at a time. As tempting as it was I did not go right after the big ship in the middle.
-Consider adding initial dialogue to explain the situation as part of the story.
-The post Survive the first wave dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], incoming transmission from the incoming romulan fleet" to read "[Rank], incoming transmission from the approaching Romulan fleet".
-In the post Survive the second wave dialogue with Fleet Admiral Marlasal; consider changing "[Rank] [NickName]" to read "[Rank] [LastName]".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Federation Mission - Yesterday's Starfleet
Author: EvilMark
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HSPPGK9Q5
Report Start
Summary: This is a good combat oriented mission with nice map designs, several tough battles and well written story dialogue. There are a few spelling and punctuation errors listed below as well as some other issues that need to be resolved. One last thing, your estimate of 30 minutes is actually about an hour based on the combat involved. Despite these issues, the mission is has a good story to go along with the combat and I would definitely recommend this mission to other players.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is intriguing. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding a little more story to the description. You want to draw the player in so they are compelled to click the 'Hail' button.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is good grant dialogue with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial mission task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
:
Wolf 359 Space: This is a good map with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Captain Zarath dialogue; consider changing the response button "Start at the begining" to read "Start at the beginning".
-Consider changing the response button "Its a long story" to read "It's a long story".
-Consider changing "I know its not my place, but thats a member of my crew" to read "I know it's not my place, but that's a member of my crew".
Arucanis Arm: This is a good map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider adding a period at the end of the response button.
-Consider adding popup dialogue that comes up with each Tholian ship the player scans. At the least the first one, it just feels odd to fly along and scan each one without dialogue.
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to something more appropriate to the dialogue. This is especially important in a command situation, such as the arrival of more Tholian ships. From this point forward I will note the maps where I feel that response is over used.
-The post Fight Tholians dialogue; consider changing "Thats the last of the tholians" to read "That's the last of the Tholians".
-Consider changing "then theres only one reason" to read "then there's only one reason".
-Consider adding correct punctuation at the end of all response buttons. From this point forward I will note the maps needing punctuation on the response buttons.
-Consider changing the response button "And it was the tholians" to read "And it was the Tholians".
-The Captain Zarath dialogue; consider changing "That romulan said" to read "That Romulan said".
New Romulus: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The battle is engaged when the player arrives, so most players will not bother to read the initial dialogue and start fighting. Consider setting a trigger for the battle to start. You could alter the Fleet Admiral dialogue to reflect that the Tal Shiar ships are inbound then the fight starts once the player is there.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider adding a respawn point closer to the main fight.
-Consider adding correct punctuation at the end of all response buttons.
Tal Shiar Secondary Control Deck: This is a good map with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider adding a respawn point deeper in the map.
-Consider adding correct punctuation at the end of all response buttons.
-The post Reach Intersection dialogue; consider changing the comma to a period at the end of the sentence ending with "detail headed there now".
-The Tal Shiar Intelligence dialogue; consider changing "rather live out my lasts minutes peacefully" to read "rather live out my last minutes peacefully".
-Consider changing the response button "Your willing to sacrifice" to read "You're willing to sacrifice". Also consider changing "Your the terrorist" to read "You're the terrorist".
-The post Free Lt. Frost dialogue; consider changing "lets see what we have here" to read "let's see what we have here".
-Consider changing "I heard that romulan mention" to read "I heard that Romulan mention".
New Romulus: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider adding correct punctuation at the end of all response buttons.
-The Captain Zarath dialogue; consider changing "Theres no way of knowing" to read "There's no way of knowing".
Wolf 359 Space Return: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider adding a respawn point closer to the fighting.
-Consider adding correct punctuation at the end of all response buttons.
-The Captain Zarath dialogue; consider changing "Thats good enough for me" to read "That's good enough for me".
-Consider changing "the tholians have returned" to read "the Tholians have returned".
-Consider changing the response button "lets buy the Annapolis time" to read "let's buy the Annapolis time"
-The post Second Wave dialogue; consider changing "theres another ship coming in" to read "there's another ship coming in".
-The Cooperative cube gets destroyed pretty quickly by the Tholians. That appears to be a product of the distance from the player of the last wave.
-During the fighting of the last wave one of the ships is labeled and skinned as a "Mirror Universe Miranda Class Frigate". Consider checking all the skinned enemy mobs.
-The Captain Zarath dialogue; consider changing "best of luck in all your endeavers" to read best of luck in all you endeavors".
-The Message from the Author dialogue; consider changing "I hope you has as much fun" to read "I hope you had as much fun".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and leaving room for further story development. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 04/14/2015 on forum posting for: Yesterday's Starfleet