Hey Evil70th, I am back with part 3 of my series, I am looking for your review on this part. I am not sure if I posted this part 3 yet or not.
Name: The Unexpected Return Part Three
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Starfleet
ID:ST-HULT4LRKX
level: 16+
Time: 45-1 hour
Story: After the loss of Starbase 375 to the Tzenkethi forces, Starfleet and the Klingon Empire forces are on the run. Both Starfleet and the Klingon Empire are hard pressed to get Starbase 375 back and to take care of this new threat. How did the Tzenkethi forces manage to gain all of these vessels and facilities under the Federation and the Klingon Empires Knowledge? Do the Tzenkethi forces have support or are they alone? Will this be another Dominion war or will it not get that far? What will happen to the Tzenkethi? What will happen to the Klingon Empire? What will happen to the Federation?
Starting Location: Wall console just outside of the Transporter room on Earth space dock.
Thank you for taking your time to play my part 3.
Logitech007
Federation Mission - The Unexpected Return Part Three
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HULT4LRKX
Report Start
Summary: This is a nice mission with some tough but fun battles and detailed story dialogue. There are several spelling, syntax and grammatical errors on some of the maps. They are a distraction from the story dialogue and need to be addressed. I only noted the maps below and recommend you have someone else, other than you, review the dialogue thoroughly. It is too easy to miss dialogue issues when you wrote them. Despite these issues I would still recommend this mission to other players who like a dialogue oriented missions with some fun battles to break up the story.
The balancing of enemy mobs in a mission can be difficult. Deciding where to place the enemy in relation to friendly support, if any, or how strong to make each side can be difficult. With that said it is still a necessary talent to master for an author if you are going to use enemy mobs in a mission. Having a large number of enemy mobs may seem like a challenge to other players but I find it tedious. It is particularly tedious when it adds nothing to the story. If your intention is to make a grinder mission then of course the more enemy the better but again I find those types of mission tedious. So what is the solution? Balance the engagements by placing enemy and friendly mobs on the map in equal proportions. For example, cruiser against cruiser, destroyer against destroyer and so on, with the player added in to tip the balance of the battle. Again this is not easy but you will find it works much better this way.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is the same dialogue from the description. Consider rewriting this dialogue to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'.
Mission Task: The initial task should have a clear start location for the first custom map.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Deep Space: This is a simple map design with several battles and some story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The battle has already begun but the dialogue is as if the battle is about to start. Consider changing the enemy to appear when the player signals the other ships. This way the player can read your dialogue and not ignore it to begin the engagement.
-The number of enemy versus the player is tedious. Consider reducing the number of enemy mobs the player must engage.
Deep Space Nine: This map seems unnecessary to the story. I know what you are trying to do with the warp out on the previous map but it just seems to serve no purpose in the story. There is a short dialogue at the beginning announcing the ships arrival and the player flies all the way across the map to change to the next map. Consider removing this map and adding dialogue at the end of the next map that mentions the arrival and ready to transport to the conference. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], Welcome to Deep Space Nine" to read "[Rank], welcome to Deep Space Nine".
-Consider changing "beam over to the Conference deck" to read "beam over to the conference deck".
Conference Deck: This is a nice map design. The story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Deep Space Nine Security dialogue; consider changing "Please sign in the you may continue in" to read "Please sign in before you enter the conference".
-The Fleet Admiral Nitehawk dialogue; consider changing: "how this threat posses to the Federation and to the Klingon Empire" to read "what this threat means to the Federation and Klingon Empire".
-The response button; consider changing "that could be important to this threat" to read "that may shed light on this threat".
-Due to the volume of spelling, syntax and grammatical errors will only note maps with these issues and not the specific issue. It will be up to you to review the dialogue on those maps.
B'lii System: The map design is good but needs some tweaking. The battle is fun and the story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider placing the initial spawn point closer to the first satellite. Having the player fly to the first one and then back again is tedious.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
-The enemy vessel at the second satellite appears and attacks immediately. If the player engages immediately the dialogue where the enemy threatens to attack disappears until after the fight is over. This is due to the configuration of your combat trigger. It appears to trigger as soon as the player scans the satellite. Consider changing the dialogue to popup dialogue that occurs when the player arrives in the vicinity of the second satellite. It can be made to be available after the first satellite is scanned and virus uploaded.
Hirogen Monitor station: This is a great map design with good battles and the story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
Starbase 375 System: This is a nice map design with battles the player barely is able to participate in. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The post battle dialogue; consider changing "federation" to read "Federation"
Starbase 375: This is a good map design with several tough enemy mobs. The story dialogue is okay but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post enemy engagement dialogue; consider changing "We need to break down that field" to read "We need to bring down the dampening field".
-The post "Bring down the field" dialogue; consider removing "The fleet is starting to fall". It is redundant in conjunction with the last line.
-Consider changing the map transfer dialogue; "Our weapons and shield are ready" to read "We are ready to engage the enemy on your command". Delete the last line.
Starbase 375 System: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and the story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The number of enemy versus the player is tedious. Consider reducing the number of enemy mobs the player must engage or adding more ships to assist in the battles.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
Tzenkethi Dreadnought Vessel: This is a great map design with detailed story dialogue but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I was a little confused at first by the nature of the doors closing and blocking my away team. As the story progressed I understood the purpose but consider just adding a note at the start of the map instructing the player to leave the away team behind with a rally point.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
Tzenketh: This is a good map design but needs a little work. The story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The two locate Autarch tasks are tedious and despite the nice scenery are unnecessary to the story.
-The sliding doors are okay but there is a gap above them that looks strange. In addition as the player moves between the arms of the station they can see that nothing is supporting the structures. The surrounding scenery with through the windows looks good but the lack of structural support detail needs to be addressed.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
Tzenketh system: This is a nice map design with several tough but optional battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing the mission and series. With the dialogue fixes and battle balancing you will make it a great mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Hey all I am back with part four of my The unexpected return to end this series, im looking for one of your reports reviews on part 4.
Thank you for taking your time and effort to play part 4 .
Thank you.
Logitech007
Name: The Unexpected Return Part Four ID: ST-HJLZCA4DX Author: Logitech007 Language: English Allegiance: Starfleet-Federation Level: 50 Version:V1.1: Story: You and your team have made it back to Deep space nine from the Tzenkethi homeworld with some disturbing evidence of their super weapon capable of destroying entire planets. The Tzenkethi forces have set their eyes on destroying the Federation and the Klingon Empire with this weapon. Will the Tzenkethi forces succeed on destroying the Federation and the Klingon Empire or will you be able to destroy the Tzenkethi forces and their weapons before its too late? Where to start:Wall console just outside of the Transporter room on Earth space dock.
Thanks again Logitech007
Federation Mission - The Unexpected Return Part Four
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HJLZCA4DX
Report Start
Summary: This is a nice mission with some fun battles and detailed story dialogue. The series overall is good and this mission worked well to wrap it up. This mission, like the series, has several spelling, syntax and grammatical errors on some of the maps. As with my previous reports I mention these errors because they are what hold your missions back from being outstanding. I highly recommend you have someone else, other than you, review the dialogue thoroughly. It is too easy to miss dialogue issues when you wrote them. Despite these issues I would still recommend this mission and the series to other players who like story oriented missions with fun battles to add to the story.
On several of the maps I mention the excessive use of the response button "Continue". I am sure that everyone who has ever submitted a mission or read my reviews knows that this is a pet peeve of mine. Rather than beating a dead horse here I thought I might provide some alternatives to "Continue". In several places you have the player providing dialogue that is from their point of view. This is a nice story telling device and you use it well throughout this mission and series. I would suggest changing it up a bit by adding some of the final portions of the dialogue as the response button. For example;
[OOC]Your decision to do this is one I cannot agree with.[/OOC]
Response Button: I will take this up with Starfleet.
If you did this type of dialogue I believe the player would feel more a part of the story. Another recommendation regarding the replacement of "Continue" would be use " " instead. The biggest reason I object to "Continue" vice " " or using it as a continuation of [OOC] dialogue is it just does not feel right. Yes I know Cryptic uses it quite excessively throughout their missions but unfortunately they do not have me reviewing their dialogue before release.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a detailed description. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The first sentence is a run-on sentence. Consider breaking it up into two separate sentences or place comas appropriately.
-Consider changing "forces succeed on destroying" to read "forces succeed in destroying".
-Consider changing the "Where to start" dialogue to [MissionInfo] dialogue.
-Consider changing "MThe door just below" to read "The door just below"
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is the same dialogue from the description. Consider rewriting this dialogue to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'.
Mission Task: Consider adding the start location for the first custom map to the initial task. I noted no spelling errors to this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[Rank], Deep Spce nine is signaling us say they are ready for us to beam over" to read "[Rank], Deep Space Nine is signaling, they are ready for us to beam over"
MAPS: Conference Deck: This is a nice map design. The story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Fleet Admiral Nitrehawk dialogue; consider changing "welcome back to Deep Space nine" to read "welcome back to Deep Space Nine".
-The sentence starting with "We have received your reports" is a run-on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-Your use of the response button "Continue" was a bit excessive. I will note the maps and cover some suggested changes for this in my summary.
-Due to the volume of spelling, syntax and grammatical errors will only note maps with these issues and not the specific issue. It will be up to you to review the dialogue on those maps.
Hobus System: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
-You have dialogue that pops up as the player is entering a combat zone. I realize the combat is optional on this map but once combat starts the player can only read the dialogue after. Consider moving the enemy mobs and battle a little further away so the player can read the dialogue. Have the last dialogue regarding leaving the system appear once the last enemy mob is destroyed.
-Your use of the response button "Continue" was a bit excessive.
Deep Space-Sol system: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-If you are going to use the warp streaks then consider changing your map orientation to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space then the current orientation and "Weather Starstreaks" you are using.
-Check the triggers for the weather streaks and planet with debris. Your current configuration appears to make the planet and debris appear while the warp effect is still going on. I would suggest setting up a trigger that sets off all these appearance and disappearances. You could use the "Coming from warp" effect as well.
-Be careful how you design the triggers. I was moving forward, my ship does not stop for dialogue prompts, and I had to circle back around to trigger the "Join the Fight" task.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
-Your use of the response button "Continue" was a bit excessive.
Deep Space: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider using a larger invisible object to trigger the scan. It will look better and will not be visible on the map.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
-Your use of the response button "Continue" was a bit excessive.
U.S.S. Odyssey: This is a good map with detailed story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
-Your use of the response button "Continue" was a bit excessive.
Deep Space: This is a nice simple map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Deep Space-Sol system: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. This is a nice wrap up to the mission and the series. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-As noted on a previous map your orientation of the map and use of the "Weather Starstreaks" you are currently using should be changed to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect.
-As noted on a previous map the triggers for the weather streaks and planet appear to be incorrectly configured to appear. I would suggest setting up a trigger that sets off all these appearance and disappearances. You could use the "Coming from warp" effect as well.
-The post battle Tactical Officer dialogue; consider changing "hailed by the U.S.S. Durg" to read "hailed by the U.S.S. Drug".
-Consider changing "the Temporal Prime Directive,discuss your experience" to read "the Temporal Prime Directive, discuss your experience".
-The End of Mission dialogue; consider changing "Please make sure you rate and leave some feedback and i will get back you" to read "Please rate my mission and leave feedback. I will get back you as soon as I can".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job with this mission and the series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Hey Evil70th, thank you for your review. I have changes a few Continue buttons to something else, and I have made some minor map changes and I will be getting someone to take a look at the spelling and grammar part. I use Goggle docs for spell checking and grammar.
Thanks again for all your hard work. I will be posting my new mission on the forums as soon as I am done so another week or 2.
Hey Evil70th, thank you for your review. I have changes a few Continue buttons to something else, and I have made some minor map changes and I will be getting someone to take a look at the spelling and grammar part. I use Goggle docs for spell checking and grammar.
Thanks again for all your hard work. I will be posting my new mission on the forums as soon as I am done so another week or 2.
Thanks again. Keep up the great work.
Thanks
Logitech007
As always, I am glad I could help. Thank you for authoring and to all the authors out there, keep up the great work. It is the Foundry missions that add more depth and detail to the game.
The third part of the Uprising series is finally online!
Uprising: Act III - Epsilon
ID: ST-HLZHDY566
Allegiance: Federation*
Level: All Levels
Language: English
Single player. Adding teammates may cause unexpected difficulties.
Estimated play time 60-90 minutes.
This mission is story-based and therefore contains heavy dialogue. However, it also contains both space and ground combat.*
This mission begins at the console outside of the transporter room on Earth Spacedock.
Summary:
Having been pushed to your breaking point by the Phoenix Dawn, you must find a way to get back into the fight. While you and your crew struggle to survive, Jok'lava continues his reign of terror on the Federation. You may be the last hope that Earth has left.
Starfleet is in its darkest hour. Do you have what it takes to figure out how to prevent total annihilation?
I just wanted to let you know because you thoroughly reviewed the first two parts. If you could review this one too, it'd be greatly appreciated. Thank you for all you do.
Summary: This is a good mission in the series. The map designs are well done, the battles are challenging but fun, and the story dialogue is excellent. There were a few issues with objects on maps but I would definitely recommend this mission and the series to other players.
I mention the use of invisible objects in lieu of multiple consoles on two of your maps. Having multiple consoles to access similar information on the same map seems odd. You should consider replacing the various tasks linked to multiple consoles with invisible objects placed at a single console. For example on the "Battle Bridge" map at the center chair you can place multiple invisible objects to use as triggers for the commands. By doing this you have the Captain (Player) issue orders for the diagnostic check, log review and so on from the center of the bridge. It would alleviate the number of panels you had to add to the map for the player to interact with. If you decide to have the player interact with consoles then consider using invisible objects located at one station for the diagnostic and one for the log access. You can use the same thing on the "U.S.S. Sacrifice" map instead of multiple consoles in a row. If you want to use actual console instead of invisible objects then place them exactly on top of each other on the map.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a detailed description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is okay but a little confusing. You should consider rewriting it and move the story up front and the explanation to the bottom. This would give the player the story immediately and draw them in so they will click the 'Accept' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: The initial task is good with a clear starting point for the first custom map. Be careful assuming the player knows exactly where that entrance is on the new ESD. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: The Lower Decks: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider not using capitalization of words in dialogue like; Deck Six, Team One, Team Two, Environmental Controls, Life Support, Relays, Tubes, etc. when they are not the first word of a sentence.
-The first and second "Replace Battery" task; the generator and other equipment appears to be off the ground by approximately a foot or so.
-The Environmental Controls appear to be slightly off the ground.
The Lower Decks: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Same comment reference to using capitalization of words in dialogue that are not the first word in a sentence.
-The console for the "Restore Power to Transporter" task is slightly off the ground.
-The console for the "Reduce Security Level" task is slightly off the ground.
-The console for the "Activate Console" task appears to be lower in ground than it should be.
-The console for the "Run Diagnostic on Plasma Conversion Sensors" task appears to be off the ground by approximately a foot or so.
-The console for the "Activate Auxiliary Power Grid" task is slightly off the ground.
Battle Bridge: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-There are several tasks that you have the player perform on the bridge which seem unnecessary for a Captain to be performing. I will cover this in detail in the summary above.
Zebron System: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing the response button "Good Do we have anything on the Sacrifice" to read "Good. Do we have anything on the Sacrifice".
-In the dialogue with Captain Cortez she states "Dr. Joluud died three years ago" but the response button says "He did not die seven years ago". Consider correcting the discrepancy.
U.S.S. Sacrifice: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The "Input Access Codes" tasks; consider using invisible objects to trigger multiple tasks from a single console. I will cover this in more detail in the summary above.
Typhon System: This is a good map design with challenging but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Same comment reference to using capitalization of words in dialogue that are not the first word in a sentence.
Epsilon Station: This is a good map design with challenging but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The first couple of enemy mobs are not tough but fun. The battle following the "Get to the Cargo Bay" task is a little tougher. Consider adding a respawn point in the control room.
Typhon System: This is a good map design with challenging but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Starbase 294: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue and a good wrap up to this mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and the series so far. I look forward to playing/reviewing more your work in the future.
Brian
I'd like to submit the final part in my series: No Prize for Second Contact
No Prize for Second Contact IV
ID: ST-HPH7UDHU7
Allegiance: Federation
Level: Level 16+
Language: English
Play Time: 1 hour - 1 1/2 hours
Thank you, Evil!
Federation Mission - No Prize for Second Contact IV
Author: councilspectre
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HPH7UDHU7
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission and series. The map designs are well done, the battles are challenging but fun, and the story dialogue is excellent. I would recommend this mission and the entire series to all players, although not on Elite level. The battles are more than a challenge on Normal level but of course that is up to you.
I mentioned the use of triggered optional dialogue vice NPC triggered optional dialogue. Unfortunately the Foundry use of NPC triggered optional dialogue remains on the map after the player interacts with them. The only way to make the optional dialogue disappear after the player interacts is to use an invisible object or other object to trigger the optional dialogue. When this method is used you can still keep the dialogue available after it is accessed by the player. This gives you many options in creating optional dialogue. One drawback to using invisible objects for triggered optional dialogue is it will not show on the map display; however with appropriate placement of the invisible objects the dialogue will be triggered as designed. On the "Chapter I, Second Facility" and "Chapter III, Return to Facility Two" maps you use NPC triggered dialogue, which could easily be replaced with triggered dialogue. On the "Chapter VI, Home" map using invisible objects for triggered optional dialogue would work well because the player path is fairly direct. There are tutorials available on Starbase UGC that cover many aspects of mission building and include using invisible objects or other objects to trigger optional dialogue.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue has a good recap of the previous missions and very little to draw the player into clicking the 'Accept' button. Consider moving the recap dialogue to be post player clicking 'Accept'. That would make the mission feel more like an episode. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial mission task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Chapter I, Second Facility: This is a really well designed map with several challenging battles and excellent story dialogue. I like the optional combat that could be avoided by walking a path around the flashing marks.
-Puzzles are okay. Consider giving the player the option to skip them.
-I like dialogue heavy missions but some players do not. Just as with puzzles you should consider giving the player a "Skip Dialogue" button that provides the player with a summary of the dialogue needed to complete the mission task.
-There is a Tal Shiar Scientist standing on the other side of the reactor in the first chamber. I am sure the animation.
-There were a couple of places you used optional NPC dialogue. Consider using triggered optional dialogue vice NPC triggered dialogue. I will note the maps this is used on and discuss it in detail in the summary.
-The post "Confront Commander Talvev" dialogue; consider changing "I am releving you of command" to read "I am relieving you of command".
Chapter II, Summit: This is good map design with excellent story dialogue. Your method of taking the dialogue in different directions based on the player choices is really well done. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Chapter III, Return to Facility Two: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. Your carry over method using a code word from the previous map to direct the dialogue on this map is very well done and I enjoyed it. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of NPC optional dialogue vice triggered dialogue.
Chapter IV, Heservat Orbit: This is a good map design with challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Chapter V, Romulan Warbird: This is a good map design with challenging but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-As the player goes to the Beam Out Point there are at least two "Dead Romulan" NPCs that are standing up vice lying down.
Chapter VI, Home: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. Your use of carry over dialogue by using a code word from the previous map to direct the dialogue on this map is very well done. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of NPC optional dialogue vice triggered dialogue.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and the entire series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your mission in the future.
Brian
The quest start pointer. Yeah, I knew about it. Actually had fixed it the night before and then woke up to Branflakes' mail of "You got spotlighted" before I could publish the correction.
The random NPC thing isn't anything I can control. Its supposed to pull from your Boffs.
As far as the transfer dialogue to Qo'noS: Cryptic does not give authors the ability to alter those prompts. Same with Worf on Qo'noS. It's all locked down. Hence why I didn't do it for the sequels.
That said, thank you for your review, and I actually finished up my final touches on the rest of the series and would like to add them to the list.
Honor of Orions
(KDF) Lv 35+
ST-HPVCAMDGH
Three weeks after the Shiassi incident on Ferasa, you are called back to Qo'nos at the request of Ambassador S'taass. Has the smoke cleared from that dark hour? Or has the darkness just started to move in?
Summary: This is a good mission and the series so far is very well done. The map designs were good. The battles were sometimes challenging and also fun. The story dialogue was very well written and moved the story forward. I would recommend this mission and the series to other players.
I mentioned the seemingly random capitalization of words on a couple of the maps below. There may even be a few I missed while evaluating. The reason I would have missed them is because almost every single author is guilty of using randomly capitalized words in their missions. Some common ones I see a lot of are; Phaser, Transporter, Warp Drive, ship types, and so many more. Why do I consider this a problem? Most people would not notice this but it does detract from the mission. It can be the difference between a good mission and great mission. I want to emphasize this is not strictly a problem within your mission(s) but in most missions. Even some of mine probably have this issue. This is where it pays to have other players complete your mission and provide feedback. A fresh set of eyes are more likely to catch any errors in the maps and dialogue.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "you are called back to Qo'nos" to read "you are called back to Qo'noS".
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Qa'Pla [Rank]" to read "Qapla' [Rank]"
-Consider changing "sent an ambassador to Qo'Nos" to read "sent an ambassador to Qo'noS".
Mission Task: Consider adding the starting location for the first custom map to the initial task. This will help players locate your start point when playing your mission. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "What happens on Qo'Nos" to read "What happens on Qo'noS".
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Club Quv Bel: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider removing the Horta as an NPC waiting to get into the club. It detracts from the story.
-The "Relaxation" tasks seem unnecessary to the story, consider making them optional or removing them all together.
-The "Play Poker" task; consider changing "Qa'pla" to read "Qapla'" in both the dialogue and response button.
-The Ambassador Rufao dialogue; consider changing the response button "[Rufao hand you a PADD]" to read "[Rufao hands you a PADD]".
-The Ambassador S'taass dialogue; consider changing "There has been strange occurances on several Klingon worlds" to read "There have been strange occurrences on several Klingon worlds".
-I noted you used the * vice " in dialogue on this map and others. I am not sure why you are using the symbol but consider changing it.
-The House of J'mpok Political Aide dialogue; consider changing "hidden in the shadows like the pe'taQ they are" to read "hidden in the shadows like the petaQ they are".
M'rade System: This is a good map design with challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Breen Captain dialogue; consider changing the response button "[Warrior] Petaq'! We have no interest in your data" to read "[Warrior] PetaQ! We have no interest in your data".
-Consider adding a respawn point closer to the battle.
-Consider having the map transfer occur at the end of the battle. Having the player maneuver to a specific point back in the original direction the player came from seemed unnecessary.
Ready Room: This is a good map design and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are several words that are capitalized for no reason. Consider checking all maps and dialogue for this issue. I note this on maps and will cover this in my summary above.
-The use of * vice " in dialogue on this map.
-The Bekk Niaru Urwau dialogue; consider changing "brought me back to Qo'nos" to read "brought me back to Qo'noS".
Nimbus Sector: This is a good map with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-If you are going to use the warp streaks then consider changing your map orientation to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space then the "Weather Starstreaks North South 01" regardless of the players speed.
-Check the Drop to Impulse trigger. Objects appeared before I executed the Drop from Warp task. It was almost as if they are already visible and not tied to the Drop to Impulse trigger.
-Random capitalized words.
-The post "Scan" dialogue; consider changing "these Shiassi petaQ' before" to read "these Shiassi petaQ before".
-During the battle it appears I only had to engage a single ship but the post battle dialogue referred to ships. Is there supposed to be more than one ship?
Stolen Cardassian Cruiser: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I am not sure what "Tah'qet" is. I could find no reference to it on the web as a Klingon word. Is that what you meant to put in?
-The Gorn troops in the other room are still standing. Consider having their default animation be lying on back or face down. Set the idle settings to maximum. Then they will engage the Eppoh and Nanov and once they have defeated them they will fall down for when the player arrives.
Battle Site: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Azure Nebula: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Orion Blockade at Ter'jas Mor: This is a good map design with challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The battle has already begun when the player first spawns. Consider placing the spawn point closer or setting up a trigger as the player approaches that starts the battle area.
-I did not need to respawn but I also did not note a respawn point closer to the battle as I approached. Consider adding a respawn point if you have not done so already. The need for this could be offset by having the spawn point closer to the battle area as indicated in the previous note.
-The Malani D'ian dialogue; consider changing "going to Qo'nos" to read "going to Qo'noS".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and the series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Summary: This is a good mission and the series so far is very well done. The map designs were good. The battles were sometimes challenging and also fun. The story dialogue was very well written and moved the story forward. I would recommend this mission and the series to other players.
I mentioned the seemingly random capitalization of words on a couple of the maps below. There may even be a few I missed while evaluating. The reason I would have missed them is because almost every single author is guilty of using randomly capitalized words in their missions. Some common ones I see a lot of are; Phaser, Transporter, Warp Drive, ship types, and so many more. Why do I consider this a problem? Most people would not notice this but it does detract from the mission. It can be the difference between a good mission and great mission. I want to emphasize this is not strictly a problem within your mission(s) but in most missions. Even some of mine probably have this issue. This is where it pays to have other players complete your mission and provide feedback. A fresh set of eyes are more likely to catch any errors in the maps and dialogue.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "you are called back to Qo'nos" to read "you are called back to Qo'noS".
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Qa'Pla [Rank]" to read "Qapla' [Rank]"
-Consider changing "sent an ambassador to Qo'Nos" to read "sent an ambassador to Qo'noS".
Mission Task: Consider adding the starting location for the first custom map to the initial task. This will help players locate your start point when playing your mission. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "What happens on Qo'Nos" to read "What happens on Qo'noS".
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Club Quv Bel: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider removing the Horta as an NPC waiting to get into the club. It detracts from the story.
-The "Relaxation" tasks seem unnecessary to the story, consider making them optional or removing them all together.
-The "Play Poker" task; consider changing "Qa'pla" to read "Qapla'" in both the dialogue and response button.
-The Ambassador Rufao dialogue; consider changing the response button "[Rufao hand you a PADD]" to read "[Rufao hands you a PADD]".
-The Ambassador S'taass dialogue; consider changing "There has been strange occurances on several Klingon worlds" to read "There have been strange occurrences on several Klingon worlds".
-I noted you used the * vice " in dialogue on this map and others. I am not sure why you are using the symbol but consider changing it.
-The House of J'mpok Political Aide dialogue; consider changing "hidden in the shadows like the pe'taQ they are" to read "hidden in the shadows like the petaQ they are".
M'rade System: This is a good map design with challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Breen Captain dialogue; consider changing the response button "[Warrior] Petaq'! We have no interest in your data" to read "[Warrior] PetaQ! We have no interest in your data".
-Consider adding a respawn point closer to the battle.
-Consider having the map transfer occur at the end of the battle. Having the player maneuver to a specific point back in the original direction the player came from seemed unnecessary.
Ready Room: This is a good map design and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are several words that are capitalized for no reason. Consider checking all maps and dialogue for this issue. I note this on maps and will cover this in my summary above.
-The use of * vice " in dialogue on this map.
-The Bekk Niaru Urwau dialogue; consider changing "brought me back to Qo'nos" to read "brought me back to Qo'noS".
Nimbus Sector: This is a good map with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-If you are going to use the warp streaks then consider changing your map orientation to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space then the "Weather Starstreaks North South 01" regardless of the players speed.
-Check the Drop to Impulse trigger. Objects appeared before I executed the Drop from Warp task. It was almost as if they are already visible and not tied to the Drop to Impulse trigger.
-Random capitalized words.
-The post "Scan" dialogue; consider changing "these Shiassi petaQ' before" to read "these Shiassi petaQ before".
-During the battle it appears I only had to engage a single ship but the post battle dialogue referred to ships. Is there supposed to be more than one ship?
Stolen Cardassian Cruiser: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I am not sure what "Tah'qet" is. I could find no reference to it on the web as a Klingon word. Is that what you meant to put in?
-The Gorn troops in the other room are still standing. Consider having their default animation be lying on back or face down. Set the idle settings to maximum. Then they will engage the Eppoh and Nanov and once they have defeated them they will fall down for when the player arrives.
Battle Site: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Azure Nebula: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Orion Blockade at Ter'jas Mor: This is a good map design with challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The battle has already begun when the player first spawns. Consider placing the spawn point closer or setting up a trigger as the player approaches that starts the battle area.
-I did not need to respawn but I also did not note a respawn point closer to the battle as I approached. Consider adding a respawn point if you have not done so already. The need for this could be offset by having the spawn point closer to the battle area as indicated in the previous note.
-The Malani D'ian dialogue; consider changing "going to Qo'nos" to read "going to Qo'noS".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and the series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Most of the changes have been made. A few however, have not.
1) The * vice as you call it, is actually to make up for the lack of bold or italic text function. Its to indicate that someone is putting a significant emphasis on a word when the [OOC] or [MissionObjective] tags would be too distracting. This is used in certain writing circles informally.
2) Tah'qet was used in as a Klingon expletive in Starfleet Academy. I chose this word to not wear out using PetaQ and as a shout out.
3) The player warps in out of range of the battle at Terjas Mor so they can read the dialogue. I received numerous complaints about this in Honor of Ferasa. You'll see this in Honor of the Empire too. I will not make this change as a result.
4) The adjusting course at the end of the Ma'rade system map was to give the player a sense of control of the ship before retiring to the ready room.
5) The "enjoy the club" objectives were put in place to get the player to enjoy the map. There are several easter eggs that players might not have noticed if they went straight into the story. Also I've written S'taass as a bit of a hedonist, so it checks out.
6) The Horta is an easter egg. Just something for a bit of a gag. Besides, Hortas are an intelligent species. If they want to look at green skinned space babes, let them.
Most of the changes have been made. A few however, have not.
1) The * vice as you call it, is actually to make up for the lack of bold or italic text function. Its to indicate that someone is putting a significant emphasis on a word when the [OOC] or [MissionObjective] tags would be too distracting. This is used in certain writing circles informally.
2) Tah'qet was used in as a Klingon expletive in Starfleet Academy. I chose this word to not wear out using PetaQ and as a shout out.
3) The player warps in out of range of the battle at Terjas Mor so they can read the dialogue. I received numerous complaints about this in Honor of Ferasa. You'll see this in Honor of the Empire too. I will not make this change as a result.
4) The adjusting course at the end of the Ma'rade system map was to give the player a sense of control of the ship before retiring to the ready room.
5) The "enjoy the club" objectives were put in place to get the player to enjoy the map. There are several easter eggs that players might not have noticed if they went straight into the story. Also I've written S'taass as a bit of a hedonist, so it checks out.
6) The Horta is an easter egg. Just something for a bit of a gag. Besides, Hortas are an intelligent species. If they want to look at green skinned space babes, let them.
Thanks for the explanation of your choices. As always all things in my reports are recommendations and are yours to use or not as you choose.
, the Klingon High Council convenes to discuss the ongoing threat, only to find it knocking on their door. Win or lose, the Empire will be changed forever...
Klingon Mission - Honor of the Empire
Author: sirboulevard
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HAMH4P3R5
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission and excellent wrap up to the series. The map designs are good and detailed. The battles are glorious and plentiful. The story dialogue is excellent and engaging. I would definitely recommend this mission and the entire series to other players. It is an outstanding addition to the glorious Klingon saga.
On almost every single map I noted the misspelling of Qo'noS. There were a few other words that need to be corrected but this word was the most prevalent. If you will note on several map names you spelled Qo'noS as Qo'Nos and in other places in the dialogue you spelled it Qo'nos. In general I correct English words that are misspelled because those words are clearly defined. Words like qapla' and Qo'noS have become part of the English lexicon due to the TV and movie series. In fact in some of the movies Qo'noS was spelled Kronos. Setting those aside for the moment in STO it is spelled Qo'noS. Memory Alpha Wiki and within the game it is spelled Qo'noS. Therefore that is why I recommended the changes below.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue should contain more of the story to draw the player in. The recap that follows is good but the player will never see it if there is nothing to make them click 'Accept'. The entries in your current grant dialogue would be better suited in the description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task with the start location of the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: qa'vln puQmo': This is a great map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Interactive News Hologram dialogue; consider changing "Qa'Pla Warrior" to read "Qapla' Warrior".
-The Ambassador S'taass dialogue; consider changing "Qo'nos always reminds me of Gornar" to read "Qo'noS always reminds me of Gornar". Your spelling of Qo'noS throughout the mission is consistent on each map where you used the word, including several map names. I will note the maps and dialogue and cover it in my summary.
The High Council Convenes: This is a good map with excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The word Qo'noS is misspelled in several places in the dialogue and needs to be corrected.
-The use of the response button "Continue" is quite excessive. Consider examining the places it is being used and exchange it for " " or other variation vice "Continue".
-Map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Sir, we've redevoused with the fleet" to read "Sir, we've rendezvoused with the fleet".
Qo'Nos: This is a good map design with several glorious battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name "Qo'Nos" to read "Qo'noS".
-The J'mpok dialogue; consider changing "areas of Qo'nos" to read "areas of Qo'noS".
Qo'Nos#2: This is a good map design with several glorious battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name "Qo'Nos#2" to read "Qo'noS#2".
Qo'Nos#3: This is a good map design with several glorious battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name "Qo'Nos#3" to read "Qo'noS#3".
Qo'nos System: This is a good map design with several glorious battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name "Qo'nos System" to read "Qo'noS System".
Qo'nos System#2: This is a good map design with several glorious battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name "Qo'nos System#2" to read "Qo'noS System#2".
Abandon Ship: This is a good map with well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The post "Reach the Rear Compartment" dialogue; consider changing "reach the surface of Qo'nos" to read "reach the surface of Qo'noS".
First City: This is a good map design with glorious battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Great Hall Catacombs: This is a good map design with glorious battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Guard Captain Tomek dialogue; consider changing "restored to the Qo'nos defenses" to read "restored to the Qo'noS defenses"
The Great Hall: The Battle of Qo'nos: This is a good map design with glorious battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name "The Great Hall: The Battle of Qo'nos" to read "The Great Hall: The Battle of Qo'noS".
-Consider placing objects to cover the ship holograms in the "Reroute Power to the Exterior Defenses" room. It would look much better.
The Great Hall: The Final Battle: This is a good map design with several glorious battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
The Great Hall - Council Chambers: This is a good map with excellent and detailed story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Gorn Captain dialogue; consider changing "to defend the Qo'nos System" to read "to defend the Qo'noS system".
-The Ambassador S'taass dialogue; consider changing "providing security for Qo'nos" to read "providing security for Qo'noS".
-Consider changing "in orbit to begin glassing Qo'nos" to read "in orbit to begin basting Qo'noS".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The Melani D'ian dialogue; consider changing "to heal the wounded of Qo'nos" to read "to heal the wounded of Qo'noS".
Six Weeks Later: This is a good map with excellent and detailed story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Epilogue; consider changing "since the Battle of Qo'nos" to read "since the Battle of Qo'noS".
-Consider changing "of the damage on Qo'nos" to read "of the damage on Qo'noS".
-Consider changing "to the refugees of Qo'nos" to read "to the refugees of Qo'noS".
Back in the Saddle: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider moving the spawn point for this map to the right slightly. The ship appears to be right up against the wall on the left hand side. This causes the ship to skip several times. When I did a reverse angle I noted the ship spawned right up against the wall.
-The Worf dialogue; consider changing "during the Battle of Qo'nos" to read "during the Battle of Qo'noS".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and the entire series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
If you would be willing to take a look at my creation i would appreciate it.
Mission Name: Shadows Rising
Author: Sithscourge
Minimum Level: 31+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HJ2DB2VGA
Estimated Mission Length: 20-40 min
Summary: This is a good combat oriented mission with challenging battles and well written story dialogue. For being your first Foundry mission you did a great job. Yes there are a few spelling errors here and there and some minor issues with trigger objects that need to be fixed. Despite those issues I would still recommend this mission to other players. I also recommend you create a forum posting that covers your current and future missions. You could call it "Sithscourge's missions" or something along those lines. That would help draw more players to your work.
I mentioned below the use of invisible objects vice the isolinear chips you are currently using. Using invisible objects on the map vice visible objects, like the isolinear chip, means you can place them without the player risking seeing them. Of course, if you use the isolinear chip you should place the Y axis roughly -.001 meters. This height may vary depending on the floor of the map. This is another reason I recommend invisible objects for triggers on a map. You are probably already aware of the tutorials that are available on Starbase UGC but I thought I would mention them anyway.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is okay but needs a little more story to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Hail'. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is okay but needs a little more story in order to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: The initial mission task should contain the start location for the first custom map. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Enguage the enemy" to read "Engage the enemy".
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Star Grazer's last known location: This is a good map design with several challenging battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Rational dialogue; consider changing "We wont listen to" to read "We won't listen to".
-Consider changing the mission task "Engageing the fighters" to read "Engaging the fighters".
-The Admiral Sh'rike dialogue; consider changing the response button "Lets see who gets there first" to read "Let's see who gets there first".
-Consider removing the Asteroid Field dialogue. I get the reference but it is not that funny and detracts from the story.
-Consider removing the Odds dialogue.
U.S.S. Chimera: This is a good map design with several challenging battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider using invisible objects vice the isolinear chips for each of the "Provide assistance" tasks. If you choose to continue to use the isolinear chips then lower them on the Y axis about .001 or so. That way they are not visible on the deck.
-Consider adding pop up dialogue for some of the injured crew the player assists. Other than waving the hands mystically noting seems to happen with the injured crew. This would be mitigated by adding popup dialogue.
Shadow Base: This is a good map design with several challenging battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I noted in one of the comments someone left in the reviews. They mentioned using a different map design rather than a Federation design for the lab. I agree. Consider using a more alien or even Klingon map.
-The post "Finding the Caitians" dialogue; consider changing "[FirstName], It looks like they're being experamented on" to read "[Rank], it looks like they're being experimented on".
-Consider changing "[Rank], Now that we've freed the Caitians" to read "[Rank], now that we've freed the Caitians".
-When the General and Doctor are making their escape consider making the blast larger.
-The end dialogue; consider changing "[FirstName], Shadowmancer has escaped" to read "[Rank], Shadowmancer has escaped".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job for your first mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Description:
Once again the Federation finds itself under the looming spectre of yet another Borg invasion. Since problems almost never come alone, a situation has arisen that requires your special attention:
An unusual artifact was discovered in a planetoid system near the Breshar System by the U.S.S. Audentia, commanded by Admiral Atalanta. It has been some time since Starfleet's last communication with the Audentia and there are reports of increasing pirate activity near that system. You are therefore requested by Admiral Gautier to investigate.
Summary: This is a good mission with nice map designs, fun battles and well written story dialogue. I would recommend this mission to other players who like those elements in a mission.
Below I mention your map naming regarding the use of "Act" in the map title. As I progressed the pattern became a little clearer but it still confused me a little bit. It appears you were using the Act but linking the maps to a specific portion of the mission. If you are going to use that in the map title I would suggest separating each map into its own Act per map. This will help avoid confusion as the player goes through the mission.
As always I enjoy the seeing an author using warp streaks to give the player the feeling of proceeding to a location. On two of your maps you used the "Weather Starstreaks North South" effect with the entire map oriented to the north and south. In my experience I have found that effect does not work well unless the player is at "Full Impulse". If the player is not moving at full impulse it looks odd. Hopefully Cryptic will fix this issue one day but until then I recommend using the "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect with the map oriented east to west. The effect works well at any speed as the streaks flow from west to east regardless of the players speed. Everything else on those maps worked well and can easily be reoriented to the east to west.
The use of optional mission tasks or dialogue can be used by authors to add more depth to their missions and make them more enjoyable. I feel the "Optional Dialogue" used as standard dialogue insertion in the Foundry is extremely limiting. Several authors have found many creative ways to use triggered dialogue as optional tasks and dialogue. The benefit is the dialogue can be configured to go away after the player interacts with it. The drawback of this is that triggered dialogue does not show up on the map. Of course neither does optional tasks. The player can find those optional tasks with the use of a scan but it is still limiting. Unfortunately the developers have not fixed the issue with optional NPC dialogue. Nor have they given authors the ability to place markers for triggered dialogue or tasks on the map. My recommendation to fix both of these issues is to move the bonus objectives and dialogue closer to the player's most likely path. Also consider if the bonus objectives or dialogue do not add anything to the story then you may want to remove them.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is essentially a report on the updates, a basic explanation of how the story works and notes regarding combat. The grant dialogue should tell something of the story and written to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'. The follow on dialogue should be the grant dialogue.
Mission Task: Your mission initial task is okay but you should consider adding the sector block to make it easier for the player to find the start location of your first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Near Breshar Planetoid System (Act I): This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post Scan Debris dialogue; consider changing "something strange about this debirs" to read "something strange about this debris".
-Consider removing the Get into throw range trigger. The player is most likely already going to be inside that trigger range and it really not needed. You can handle it with dialogue stating that the player is already lined up and then go straight to the "Catch Artifact" button. This alleviates the need for explanation dialogue telling the player to move out of range and back into it to trigger it.
-The post Perform the catch dialogue; consider changing "See? I knew it could work" to read "See, I knew it could work". It is a statement not a question.
-You have obviously added the Memory Alpha map so you need to remove the dialogue that tells the player to head back to the Iota Pavonis Sector Block with the response button "[Head back to Cryptic space]".
Memory Apha (Act I): This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-It is obvious that this map was an addition to your mission vice sending the player out to Cryptic Space. That is a good choice; however your map names are now incorrect because of the addition. This map is labeled "Act I" which is the same as the previous map. Was this intentional? If so then you can disregard this comment, otherwise you need to change this map to "Act II" and the others "Act III, Act IV, etc." respectively.
NB Planetoid System (Act II): This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The map name is incorrect unless it is intentional. If it is then you should reconsider the way you label your maps. It is a bit confusing using the same "Act" to span multiple maps.
-If you are going to use the warp streaks then consider changing your map orientation to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space then the "Weather Starstreaks North South 01" regardless of the players speed.
Planetoid Crash Site (Act II): This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-This is another map with "Act II" which as indicated on the previous map can be confusing to the player. Consider changing it to match a new map, i.e. "Act III, Act IV, etc." respectively.
-Consider using triggered optional dialogue vice NPC triggered dialogue. The NPC triggered optional dialogue does not work correctly and remains after the player interacts with it. Triggered optional dialogue can be set to remain visible if desired or disappear after the player interacts.
NB Planetoid System (Act III): This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
The Nebula (Act III): This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-This is another map with "Act III" which as indicated on the previous map can be confusing to the player. It appears that you are doing this deliberately as part of the story. Consider changing it so that each map is an "Act" within the story.
-Consider changing your map orientation to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect.
-The end dialogue appears after the end mission rating box appears. Consider adding a "To be continued button task which appears after the dialogue is completed. Then the mission ends after the dialogue is read. You can use a large invisible object as the trigger.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing the rest of the missions in the series and more of your work in the future.
Brian
Description:
A dangerous particle, a Section 31 agent in possession of one, and a conduit that is the catalyst to it all. All of which is happening under the shadow of an impending Borg invasion.
The investigation of three ship wreckages is your only bid to find anything that can help you hunt down the Section 31 agent before he unleashes whatever he is planning.
Be forewarned, there are others taking part in the hunt...
Summary: This is a good mission and an excellent addition to the series. The map designs are good. The battles, both optional and required are fun. The story dialogue is well written. I would recommend this mission to other players.
Below you have the player transition and travel across Cryptic maps between the various Acts within the story. Having the player to use cryptic maps between mission maps does not work for three reasons. The first is the transition back to the cryptic map leaves the original entry prompt for the part of the mission. The second is as the player transits across Cryptic maps to distant sector blocks it becomes easier to drop your mission. The third is having a player leave your mission once they are inside it does not work well from a story telling point. There is no reason you could not have the player transit to a new mission map where you use the "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect at the start of the map. Then move the dialogue that appears after the current "Engage Warp-Drive" method you are using to that map. You used the effect of having the player drop from warp with objects appearing in your previous mission very well, despite using the "Weather Starstreaks North South 01" effect it could work here using the other effect.
I mention using triggered dialogue to break up multiple mission tasks. This means when you have several mission tasks to complete you should add popup dialogue that is triggered by the completion of a specific mission task. This can be done by creating popup dialogue on the map that is tied to the completion of a specific object that is part of a mission task. For example when the player is interacting with a specific piece of wreckage that is part of a larger mission task the map popup dialogue can be triggered by completion of that piece. This allows the player to receive feedback when there are several mission oriented tasks to complete. Using mission story dialogue only allows it to appear once the entire task is complete. It is a way of keeping the player interested while going through several mission tasks on a given map.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is essentially a report on the updates, a basic explanation of how the story works and notes regarding combat. The grant dialogue should tell something of the story and written to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'. The follow on dialogue should be the grant dialogue.
Mission Task: Your mission initial task is okay but you should consider adding the sector block to make it easier for the player to find the start location of your first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the initial prompt. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "heading to Etra Eridanni Sector" to read "heading to Eta Eridani Sector".
MAPS: Near Rashana Winter World: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Act I dialogue; consider changing "accomplish by looking a wrecks" to read "accomplish by looking at wrecks".
-Consider replacing the default "Continue" response button with [Listen] or something along those lines.
The First Wreckage: This is a good map design with easy combat and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Depending on the order the player examines the wreckage they may end up examining some of the pieces out of order when the spiders attack. I encountered one incident once I finished examining the last piece of wreckage. Consider making all the spider mobs appear on the map at the start. The sudden appearance of the mobs makes no sense at all.
-The only problem with so many mission tasks is no feedback on them. You do not need feedback on each one but you can trigger popup dialogue to give the player feedback on some of the tasks. You did have popup dialogue but it seemed to be unrelated to specific objects that were being scanned. Consider adding triggered popup dialogue for some of the tasks.
NR Winter World: This is a good map design with tough but fun optional combat and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Using Cryptic maps as a transfer between mission maps is not a good idea. No matter how you do it the mission entry for that area shows up. Additionally the map transfer from mission to Cryptic is the default "Go to Next Map". I will note this throughout the mission and cover it in the summary above.
-Before having the player leave the map to transit via the Cryptic maps you indicate they are at warp. There is no indication of it during the actual play. Using a warp streak weather effect is a good way to use a space map to transition the story; however it can be difficult if the player is not lined up correctly. Also I recommend the "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect.
Near Draylon Tropical World: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "It is most likely that he is. Remain vigilant" to read "Most likely he is. Watch him carefully".
The Second Wreckage: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Mission task feedback. It will be covered in the summary.
ND Tropical World: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Ambush dialogue appears just as we are being engaged. I was at full impulse and was engaged before I was able to read the dialogue. Consider making the dialogue appear earlier in the transit.
-Using Cryptic maps as a transfer between mission maps. This will be covered in the summary above.
Near Rator Desert World: This is a good map design with good optional combat and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
The Third Wreckage: This is a good map design with good optional combat and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Mission task feedback. It will be covered in the summary.
-I refer to the combat as being optional but several enemy mobs are not optional and must be engaged in order to examine the wreckage.
NR Desert World: This is a good map design with good optional combat and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-You use the "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect on this map but the point where the player "Engage Warp-Drive" is not actually aligned with the effect. Consider having the point further into line with a not telling the player to turn west into the effect. You can also place multiple "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effects parallel to each other with the note to turn west.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and the series so far. I look forward to playing/reviewing the next mission in the series and more of your work in the future.
Brian
This is a sequel to Foothold (ID: ID: ST-HN6PZ5EJS)
Description: Fabrications: part II
Your success with recovering the data from Starbase 82 in Foothold has brought you to the attention of Admiral Boatwright. He is calling on you to venture into a system laden with mysterious temporal anomalies and rescue the crews of two missing starships. The U.S.S. Farnsworth, carrying valuable experimental Starfleet technologies, has gone missing. Another starship, the U.S.S. Lahan, was sent to find it. But contact was lost with the Lahan as well. What is to be found in the Maro System? What dangers lurk in a system fraught with time?
A simple visit to New Romulus for a holiday takes a turn for the worse when disaster strikes. However, as events start repeating themselves, you realize you're not just trapped in catastrophe... you're trapped in Epohh's Day!
Hey Evil70th, I have 2 brand new mission that I would like you to review them, if you wouldn't mind.
Thanks
Mission Name: The Covenant part 1
Author: Logitech007
Minimum Level: 31+
Allegiance: Starfleet Federation
Project ID: ST-ST-HUCUI6DUA
Estimated Mission Length: About 45 min to 1 hour give or take.
Mission Name: The Covenant part 2
Author: Logitech007
Minimum Level: 31+
Allegiance: Starfleet Federation
Project ID: ST-HINOZE859
Estimated Mission Length: ABout 45 minto 1 hour give or take.
Name: The Forgotten Battle
Faction: Fed
Author: @voporak
Far away from the front lines of the most recent conflict, the wars rage on. The stories of victories and sacrifices in the Dyson Sphere and Fluidic Space will forever be told, but what about the battles that no one will remember?
And also, the prequel sequel to Ashkrik23's Perfection.
The destruction of the Borg by the powers of the Alpha and Beta Quadrants produced tremendous amounts of information - including the mission logs of the U.S.S. Resistance, a ship lost just before the Borg invasion. As the savior of the galaxy, you have been chosen to explore the holographic recreation of the vessel's final voyage to uncover the backstory behind the Borg's quest for Perfection.
evil70th, I would really appreaciate an in depth review as you have time. This is my first mission and is meant as an Exploration Cluster mission with more oopmph than what Cryptic gave us in the past.
This is a sequel to Foothold (ID: ID: ST-HN6PZ5EJS)
Description: Fabrications: part II
Your success with recovering the data from Starbase 82 in Foothold has brought you to the attention of Admiral Boatwright. He is calling on you to venture into a system laden with mysterious temporal anomalies and rescue the crews of two missing starships. The U.S.S. Farnsworth, carrying valuable experimental Starfleet technologies, has gone missing. Another starship, the U.S.S. Lahan, was sent to find it. But contact was lost with the Lahan as well. What is to be found in the Maro System? What dangers lurk in a system fraught with time?
Hi Wildkazoo,
Welcome to the queue. Your mission is 14th in the queue behind jezaleigha. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
A simple visit to New Romulus for a holiday takes a turn for the worse when disaster strikes. However, as events start repeating themselves, you realize you're not just trapped in catastrophe... you're trapped in Epohh's Day!
Hi Voporak,
Welcome to the queue. Your mission is currently 15th in the queue behind wildkazoo. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Hey Evil70th, I have 2 brand new mission that I would like you to review them, if you wouldn't mind.
Thanks
Mission Name: The Covenant part 1
Author: Logitech007
Minimum Level: 31+
Allegiance: Starfleet Federation
Project ID: ST-ST-HUCUI6DUA
Estimated Mission Length: About 45 min to 1 hour give or take.
Mission Name: The Covenant part 2
Author: Logitech007
Minimum Level: 31+
Allegiance: Starfleet Federation
Project ID: ST-HINOZE859
Estimated Mission Length: ABout 45 minto 1 hour give or take.
Thanks again.
Logitech007
Hi Logitech007,
Welcome to the queue. Your missions are 16th and 17th in the queue behind voporak. I will review your mission as soon as I can.
Name: The Forgotten Battle
Faction: Fed
Author: @voporak
Far away from the front lines of the most recent conflict, the wars rage on. The stories of victories and sacrifices in the Dyson Sphere and Fluidic Space will forever be told, but what about the battles that no one will remember?
And also, the prequel sequel to Ashkrik23's Perfection.
The destruction of the Borg by the powers of the Alpha and Beta Quadrants produced tremendous amounts of information - including the mission logs of the U.S.S. Resistance, a ship lost just before the Borg invasion. As the savior of the galaxy, you have been chosen to explore the holographic recreation of the vessel's final voyage to uncover the backstory behind the Borg's quest for Perfection.
Once again Voporak,
Welcome back to the queue. Your missions are 18th and 19th, respectively, behind Logitech007. I will review these missions as soon as I can.
evil70th, I would really appreaciate an in depth review as you have time. This is my first mission and is meant as an Exploration Cluster mission with more oopmph than what Cryptic gave us in the past.
When you have the time, could you please do a detailed review of these missions?:
___________________________________ The Unsung Mission - Maelstrom -
Author: starfarertheta ID: ST-HST5R3A34 Faction: Federation Level: 41+ Length: 30-60 minutes long Features: - Story, - Branching Dialogue, - Large Scale Space and Ground Battles, - Bonus Objectives.
Description:
In the midst of a Borg invasion, chaos erupts in the Badlands as a task force from multiple factions clash for control over the conduit.
In the midst of this chaos, you must infiltrate the rogue Section 31 agent's base of operations in order to stop him, or anyone else from unleashing a plan of insanity, and you do not have much time.
Before that, however, you must deal with an impromptu situation courtesy of a sabotuer...
Summary: This is a good mission in the series and a nice wrap up to the story. The map designs were well done, the battles were tough but fun and the story dialogue was excellent. I would definitely recommend this mission and the series to other players.
The only issue that really bothered me was the warp out at the end of two of the maps. There was follow on dialogue but no warp effect. I felt you could have designed the dialogue to take place at the beginning of the next map with a warp effect taking place. The only map that might be hard to do this with is the Badlands map. I do think that would be a better use of that dialogue and the beginning of those two maps. If you do change it I would suggest you orient the maps objects to be west to east and use the Weather Starstreaks West East 01 effect. It works well at any speed.
Below are a few things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a nice introduction but it needs more to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Accept' button. Consider adding the follow on introduction dialogue that follows accepting the mission. It would address my concerns from above. Consider not using the acronym 'TUM' for the mission title. You should spell out the name. I like the option to review the previous mission and mechanics of your missions. If you are going to warn a player to be well equipped then tell them what they need, otherwise why bother. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: Your initial mission task should have the start location of your first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt with the exception of your use of the acronym 'TUM' instead of the mission title. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: The Unsung Battlefield (Act I)(Daise System): This is a good map with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Penumbra Encounter dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] [Nickname], I am" to read "[Rank] [LastName], I am".
-I am not very fond of the warping out and the follow on dialogue with no warp effect. I feel like it detracts from the story. It would be better if you could build the next map with the player at warp with Weather Starstreaks West East 01 at the beginning of the next map.
-The Starfleet Fleetwide Broadcast dialogue; consider changing the acronym "ASAP" to read "as soon as possible". I suggest this because most likely a priority message would not have acronyms in it. Additionally "Fleet" and "wide" are two different words.
The Conduit (Act II, Part 1): This is a good map design with fun optional and required battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Another Obstacle dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], It appears" to read "[Rank], it appears".
Conduit Station (Act II, Part II): This is a good map design with challenging but fun optional battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], It looks like" to read "[Rank], it looks like".
-In some of the dialogue with the ship you have "[OOC](Static)[/OOC]" and in other you do not. Consider adding the [OOC] dialogue to those without.
-Consider changing the dialogue "[Rank], Tricorders are reading" to read "[Rank], tricorders are reading"
-The Confrontation dialogue; consider changing "you've arrived too late [Nickname]" to read "you've arrived too late [LastName]".
-Consider changing "[ShipName] to [Rank] [Nickname]" to read "[ShipName] to [Rank] [LastName]".
The Conduit (Act III): This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Again I am not very fond of the warping out and the follow on dialogue with no warp effect. It would be better if you could build the next map with the player at warp with Weather Starstreaks West East 01 at the beginning of the next map.
Aftermath (Act IV): This is a good map design with excellent dialogue to wrap up the story. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Starfleet Fleetwide Broadcast dialogue; consider changing the response button "*breathe sigh of relif*" to read "*breathe sigh of relief*".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and the whole series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
With the destruction of her toxin facility at the Wamesahau system, I'Zira has launched a full invasion on the planet of Bajor to test her new toxin. In the process, she has taken control of Deep Space Nine and the planetary defense satelites. With Vice Admiral Kovu heading to Bajor to hold off till reinforcements arrive, you must take back Deep Space Nine and the planetary defense satelites with General Karopov's assistance. Should you fail, an entire civilization will be lost and along with it, possibly many more.
Report to the Lateri system to meet with General Karopov. Level 50+
Additionally "Fleet" and "wide" are two different words.
-Consider changing the dialogue "[Rank], Tricorders are reading" to read "[Rank], tricorders are reading"
I know this isn't my thread or review, but I'd like to point out that "fleetwide" can be one word (i.e. "worldwide"), and that "tricorder's are" is actually grammatically incorrect. It might be better to go for "my tricorder's reading", given that the officer is most likely only looking at their own.
I am NikkoJT, Foundry author and terrible player. Follow me!
There used to be a picture here, but they changed signatures and I can't be bothered to replace it.
Comments
Federation Mission - The Unexpected Return Part Three
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HULT4LRKX
Report Start
Summary: This is a nice mission with some tough but fun battles and detailed story dialogue. There are several spelling, syntax and grammatical errors on some of the maps. They are a distraction from the story dialogue and need to be addressed. I only noted the maps below and recommend you have someone else, other than you, review the dialogue thoroughly. It is too easy to miss dialogue issues when you wrote them. Despite these issues I would still recommend this mission to other players who like a dialogue oriented missions with some fun battles to break up the story.
The balancing of enemy mobs in a mission can be difficult. Deciding where to place the enemy in relation to friendly support, if any, or how strong to make each side can be difficult. With that said it is still a necessary talent to master for an author if you are going to use enemy mobs in a mission. Having a large number of enemy mobs may seem like a challenge to other players but I find it tedious. It is particularly tedious when it adds nothing to the story. If your intention is to make a grinder mission then of course the more enemy the better but again I find those types of mission tedious. So what is the solution? Balance the engagements by placing enemy and friendly mobs on the map in equal proportions. For example, cruiser against cruiser, destroyer against destroyer and so on, with the player added in to tip the balance of the battle. Again this is not easy but you will find it works much better this way.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is the same dialogue from the description. Consider rewriting this dialogue to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'.
Mission Task: The initial task should have a clear start location for the first custom map.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Deep Space: This is a simple map design with several battles and some story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The battle has already begun but the dialogue is as if the battle is about to start. Consider changing the enemy to appear when the player signals the other ships. This way the player can read your dialogue and not ignore it to begin the engagement.
-The number of enemy versus the player is tedious. Consider reducing the number of enemy mobs the player must engage.
Deep Space Nine: This map seems unnecessary to the story. I know what you are trying to do with the warp out on the previous map but it just seems to serve no purpose in the story. There is a short dialogue at the beginning announcing the ships arrival and the player flies all the way across the map to change to the next map. Consider removing this map and adding dialogue at the end of the next map that mentions the arrival and ready to transport to the conference. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], Welcome to Deep Space Nine" to read "[Rank], welcome to Deep Space Nine".
-Consider changing "beam over to the Conference deck" to read "beam over to the conference deck".
Conference Deck: This is a nice map design. The story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Deep Space Nine Security dialogue; consider changing "Please sign in the you may continue in" to read "Please sign in before you enter the conference".
-The Fleet Admiral Nitehawk dialogue; consider changing: "how this threat posses to the Federation and to the Klingon Empire" to read "what this threat means to the Federation and Klingon Empire".
-The response button; consider changing "that could be important to this threat" to read "that may shed light on this threat".
-Due to the volume of spelling, syntax and grammatical errors will only note maps with these issues and not the specific issue. It will be up to you to review the dialogue on those maps.
B'lii System: The map design is good but needs some tweaking. The battle is fun and the story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider placing the initial spawn point closer to the first satellite. Having the player fly to the first one and then back again is tedious.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
-The enemy vessel at the second satellite appears and attacks immediately. If the player engages immediately the dialogue where the enemy threatens to attack disappears until after the fight is over. This is due to the configuration of your combat trigger. It appears to trigger as soon as the player scans the satellite. Consider changing the dialogue to popup dialogue that occurs when the player arrives in the vicinity of the second satellite. It can be made to be available after the first satellite is scanned and virus uploaded.
Hirogen Monitor station: This is a great map design with good battles and the story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
Starbase 375 System: This is a nice map design with battles the player barely is able to participate in. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The post battle dialogue; consider changing "federation" to read "Federation"
Starbase 375: This is a good map design with several tough enemy mobs. The story dialogue is okay but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post enemy engagement dialogue; consider changing "We need to break down that field" to read "We need to bring down the dampening field".
-The post "Bring down the field" dialogue; consider removing "The fleet is starting to fall". It is redundant in conjunction with the last line.
-Consider changing the map transfer dialogue; "Our weapons and shield are ready" to read "We are ready to engage the enemy on your command". Delete the last line.
Starbase 375 System: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and the story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The number of enemy versus the player is tedious. Consider reducing the number of enemy mobs the player must engage or adding more ships to assist in the battles.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
Tzenkethi Dreadnought Vessel: This is a great map design with detailed story dialogue but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I was a little confused at first by the nature of the doors closing and blocking my away team. As the story progressed I understood the purpose but consider just adding a note at the start of the map instructing the player to leave the away team behind with a rally point.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
Tzenketh: This is a good map design but needs a little work. The story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The two locate Autarch tasks are tedious and despite the nice scenery are unnecessary to the story.
-The sliding doors are okay but there is a gap above them that looks strange. In addition as the player moves between the arms of the station they can see that nothing is supporting the structures. The surrounding scenery with through the windows looks good but the lack of structural support detail needs to be addressed.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
Tzenketh system: This is a nice map design with several tough but optional battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing the mission and series. With the dialogue fixes and battle balancing you will make it a great mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 06/07/2014 on forum posting for: The Unexpected Returns Series
Thank you
Logitech007
As always, glad I could help. Your part four is next up in the queue. I will get to it as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring
Brian
Federation Mission - The Unexpected Return Part Four
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HJLZCA4DX
Report Start
Summary: This is a nice mission with some fun battles and detailed story dialogue. The series overall is good and this mission worked well to wrap it up. This mission, like the series, has several spelling, syntax and grammatical errors on some of the maps. As with my previous reports I mention these errors because they are what hold your missions back from being outstanding. I highly recommend you have someone else, other than you, review the dialogue thoroughly. It is too easy to miss dialogue issues when you wrote them. Despite these issues I would still recommend this mission and the series to other players who like story oriented missions with fun battles to add to the story.
On several of the maps I mention the excessive use of the response button "Continue". I am sure that everyone who has ever submitted a mission or read my reviews knows that this is a pet peeve of mine. Rather than beating a dead horse here I thought I might provide some alternatives to "Continue". In several places you have the player providing dialogue that is from their point of view. This is a nice story telling device and you use it well throughout this mission and series. I would suggest changing it up a bit by adding some of the final portions of the dialogue as the response button. For example;
[OOC]Your decision to do this is one I cannot agree with.[/OOC]
Response Button: I will take this up with Starfleet.
If you did this type of dialogue I believe the player would feel more a part of the story. Another recommendation regarding the replacement of "Continue" would be use " " instead. The biggest reason I object to "Continue" vice " " or using it as a continuation of [OOC] dialogue is it just does not feel right. Yes I know Cryptic uses it quite excessively throughout their missions but unfortunately they do not have me reviewing their dialogue before release.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a detailed description. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The first sentence is a run-on sentence. Consider breaking it up into two separate sentences or place comas appropriately.
-Consider changing "forces succeed on destroying" to read "forces succeed in destroying".
-Consider changing the "Where to start" dialogue to [MissionInfo] dialogue.
-Consider changing "MThe door just below" to read "The door just below"
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is the same dialogue from the description. Consider rewriting this dialogue to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'.
Mission Task: Consider adding the start location for the first custom map to the initial task. I noted no spelling errors to this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[Rank], Deep Spce nine is signaling us say they are ready for us to beam over" to read "[Rank], Deep Space Nine is signaling, they are ready for us to beam over"
MAPS:
Conference Deck: This is a nice map design. The story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Fleet Admiral Nitrehawk dialogue; consider changing "welcome back to Deep Space nine" to read "welcome back to Deep Space Nine".
-The sentence starting with "We have received your reports" is a run-on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-Your use of the response button "Continue" was a bit excessive. I will note the maps and cover some suggested changes for this in my summary.
-Due to the volume of spelling, syntax and grammatical errors will only note maps with these issues and not the specific issue. It will be up to you to review the dialogue on those maps.
Hobus System: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
-You have dialogue that pops up as the player is entering a combat zone. I realize the combat is optional on this map but once combat starts the player can only read the dialogue after. Consider moving the enemy mobs and battle a little further away so the player can read the dialogue. Have the last dialogue regarding leaving the system appear once the last enemy mob is destroyed.
-Your use of the response button "Continue" was a bit excessive.
Deep Space-Sol system: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-If you are going to use the warp streaks then consider changing your map orientation to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space then the current orientation and "Weather Starstreaks" you are using.
-Check the triggers for the weather streaks and planet with debris. Your current configuration appears to make the planet and debris appear while the warp effect is still going on. I would suggest setting up a trigger that sets off all these appearance and disappearances. You could use the "Coming from warp" effect as well.
-Be careful how you design the triggers. I was moving forward, my ship does not stop for dialogue prompts, and I had to circle back around to trigger the "Join the Fight" task.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
-Your use of the response button "Continue" was a bit excessive.
Deep Space: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider using a larger invisible object to trigger the scan. It will look better and will not be visible on the map.
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
-Your use of the response button "Continue" was a bit excessive.
U.S.S. Odyssey: This is a good map with detailed story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
-Your use of the response button "Continue" was a bit excessive.
Deep Space: This is a nice simple map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Deep Space-Sol system: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. This is a nice wrap up to the mission and the series. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-As noted on a previous map your orientation of the map and use of the "Weather Starstreaks" you are currently using should be changed to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect.
-As noted on a previous map the triggers for the weather streaks and planet appear to be incorrectly configured to appear. I would suggest setting up a trigger that sets off all these appearance and disappearances. You could use the "Coming from warp" effect as well.
-The post battle Tactical Officer dialogue; consider changing "hailed by the U.S.S. Durg" to read "hailed by the U.S.S. Drug".
-Consider changing "the Temporal Prime Directive,discuss your experience" to read "the Temporal Prime Directive, discuss your experience".
-The End of Mission dialogue; consider changing "Please make sure you rate and leave some feedback and i will get back you" to read "Please rate my mission and leave feedback. I will get back you as soon as I can".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job with this mission and the series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 06/13/2014 on forum posting for: The Unexpected Returns Series
Thanks again for all your hard work. I will be posting my new mission on the forums as soon as I am done so another week or 2.
Thanks again. Keep up the great work.
Thanks
Logitech007
As always, I am glad I could help. Thank you for authoring and to all the authors out there, keep up the great work. It is the Foundry missions that add more depth and detail to the game.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - Uprising: Act III - Epsilon
Author: maninblack
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HLZHDY566
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission in the series. The map designs are well done, the battles are challenging but fun, and the story dialogue is excellent. There were a few issues with objects on maps but I would definitely recommend this mission and the series to other players.
I mention the use of invisible objects in lieu of multiple consoles on two of your maps. Having multiple consoles to access similar information on the same map seems odd. You should consider replacing the various tasks linked to multiple consoles with invisible objects placed at a single console. For example on the "Battle Bridge" map at the center chair you can place multiple invisible objects to use as triggers for the commands. By doing this you have the Captain (Player) issue orders for the diagnostic check, log review and so on from the center of the bridge. It would alleviate the number of panels you had to add to the map for the player to interact with. If you decide to have the player interact with consoles then consider using invisible objects located at one station for the diagnostic and one for the log access. You can use the same thing on the "U.S.S. Sacrifice" map instead of multiple consoles in a row. If you want to use actual console instead of invisible objects then place them exactly on top of each other on the map.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a detailed description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is okay but a little confusing. You should consider rewriting it and move the story up front and the explanation to the bottom. This would give the player the story immediately and draw them in so they will click the 'Accept' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: The initial task is good with a clear starting point for the first custom map. Be careful assuming the player knows exactly where that entrance is on the new ESD. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
The Lower Decks: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider not using capitalization of words in dialogue like; Deck Six, Team One, Team Two, Environmental Controls, Life Support, Relays, Tubes, etc. when they are not the first word of a sentence.
-The first and second "Replace Battery" task; the generator and other equipment appears to be off the ground by approximately a foot or so.
-The Environmental Controls appear to be slightly off the ground.
The Lower Decks: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Same comment reference to using capitalization of words in dialogue that are not the first word in a sentence.
-The console for the "Restore Power to Transporter" task is slightly off the ground.
-The console for the "Reduce Security Level" task is slightly off the ground.
-The console for the "Activate Console" task appears to be lower in ground than it should be.
-The console for the "Run Diagnostic on Plasma Conversion Sensors" task appears to be off the ground by approximately a foot or so.
-The console for the "Activate Auxiliary Power Grid" task is slightly off the ground.
Battle Bridge: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-There are several tasks that you have the player perform on the bridge which seem unnecessary for a Captain to be performing. I will cover this in detail in the summary above.
Zebron System: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing the response button "Good Do we have anything on the Sacrifice" to read "Good. Do we have anything on the Sacrifice".
-In the dialogue with Captain Cortez she states "Dr. Joluud died three years ago" but the response button says "He did not die seven years ago". Consider correcting the discrepancy.
U.S.S. Sacrifice: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The "Input Access Codes" tasks; consider using invisible objects to trigger multiple tasks from a single console. I will cover this in more detail in the summary above.
Typhon System: This is a good map design with challenging but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Same comment reference to using capitalization of words in dialogue that are not the first word in a sentence.
Epsilon Station: This is a good map design with challenging but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The first couple of enemy mobs are not tough but fun. The battle following the "Get to the Cargo Bay" task is a little tougher. Consider adding a respawn point in the control room.
Typhon System: This is a good map design with challenging but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Starbase 294: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue and a good wrap up to this mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and the series so far. I look forward to playing/reviewing more your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 06/29/2014 on forum posting for: "Uprising: Act III - Epsilon" officially unofficial discussion thread.
Federation Mission - No Prize for Second Contact IV
Author: councilspectre
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HPH7UDHU7
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission and series. The map designs are well done, the battles are challenging but fun, and the story dialogue is excellent. I would recommend this mission and the entire series to all players, although not on Elite level. The battles are more than a challenge on Normal level but of course that is up to you.
I mentioned the use of triggered optional dialogue vice NPC triggered optional dialogue. Unfortunately the Foundry use of NPC triggered optional dialogue remains on the map after the player interacts with them. The only way to make the optional dialogue disappear after the player interacts is to use an invisible object or other object to trigger the optional dialogue. When this method is used you can still keep the dialogue available after it is accessed by the player. This gives you many options in creating optional dialogue. One drawback to using invisible objects for triggered optional dialogue is it will not show on the map display; however with appropriate placement of the invisible objects the dialogue will be triggered as designed. On the "Chapter I, Second Facility" and "Chapter III, Return to Facility Two" maps you use NPC triggered dialogue, which could easily be replaced with triggered dialogue. On the "Chapter VI, Home" map using invisible objects for triggered optional dialogue would work well because the player path is fairly direct. There are tutorials available on Starbase UGC that cover many aspects of mission building and include using invisible objects or other objects to trigger optional dialogue.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue has a good recap of the previous missions and very little to draw the player into clicking the 'Accept' button. Consider moving the recap dialogue to be post player clicking 'Accept'. That would make the mission feel more like an episode. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial mission task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Chapter I, Second Facility: This is a really well designed map with several challenging battles and excellent story dialogue. I like the optional combat that could be avoided by walking a path around the flashing marks.
-Puzzles are okay. Consider giving the player the option to skip them.
-I like dialogue heavy missions but some players do not. Just as with puzzles you should consider giving the player a "Skip Dialogue" button that provides the player with a summary of the dialogue needed to complete the mission task.
-There is a Tal Shiar Scientist standing on the other side of the reactor in the first chamber. I am sure the animation.
-There were a couple of places you used optional NPC dialogue. Consider using triggered optional dialogue vice NPC triggered dialogue. I will note the maps this is used on and discuss it in detail in the summary.
-The post "Confront Commander Talvev" dialogue; consider changing "I am releving you of command" to read "I am relieving you of command".
Chapter II, Summit: This is good map design with excellent story dialogue. Your method of taking the dialogue in different directions based on the player choices is really well done. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Chapter III, Return to Facility Two: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. Your carry over method using a code word from the previous map to direct the dialogue on this map is very well done and I enjoyed it. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of NPC optional dialogue vice triggered dialogue.
Chapter IV, Heservat Orbit: This is a good map design with challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Chapter V, Romulan Warbird: This is a good map design with challenging but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-As the player goes to the Beam Out Point there are at least two "Dead Romulan" NPCs that are standing up vice lying down.
Chapter VI, Home: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. Your use of carry over dialogue by using a code word from the previous map to direct the dialogue on this map is very well done. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of NPC optional dialogue vice triggered dialogue.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and the entire series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your mission in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 07/02/2014 on forum posting for: No Prize for Second Contact IV.
Klingon Mission - Honor of Orions
Author: sirboulevard
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HPVCAMDGH
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission and the series so far is very well done. The map designs were good. The battles were sometimes challenging and also fun. The story dialogue was very well written and moved the story forward. I would recommend this mission and the series to other players.
I mentioned the seemingly random capitalization of words on a couple of the maps below. There may even be a few I missed while evaluating. The reason I would have missed them is because almost every single author is guilty of using randomly capitalized words in their missions. Some common ones I see a lot of are; Phaser, Transporter, Warp Drive, ship types, and so many more. Why do I consider this a problem? Most people would not notice this but it does detract from the mission. It can be the difference between a good mission and great mission. I want to emphasize this is not strictly a problem within your mission(s) but in most missions. Even some of mine probably have this issue. This is where it pays to have other players complete your mission and provide feedback. A fresh set of eyes are more likely to catch any errors in the maps and dialogue.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "you are called back to Qo'nos" to read "you are called back to Qo'noS".
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Qa'Pla [Rank]" to read "Qapla' [Rank]"
-Consider changing "sent an ambassador to Qo'Nos" to read "sent an ambassador to Qo'noS".
Mission Task: Consider adding the starting location for the first custom map to the initial task. This will help players locate your start point when playing your mission. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "What happens on Qo'Nos" to read "What happens on Qo'noS".
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Club Quv Bel: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider removing the Horta as an NPC waiting to get into the club. It detracts from the story.
-The "Relaxation" tasks seem unnecessary to the story, consider making them optional or removing them all together.
-The "Play Poker" task; consider changing "Qa'pla" to read "Qapla'" in both the dialogue and response button.
-The Ambassador Rufao dialogue; consider changing the response button "[Rufao hand you a PADD]" to read "[Rufao hands you a PADD]".
-The Ambassador S'taass dialogue; consider changing "There has been strange occurances on several Klingon worlds" to read "There have been strange occurrences on several Klingon worlds".
-I noted you used the * vice " in dialogue on this map and others. I am not sure why you are using the symbol but consider changing it.
-The House of J'mpok Political Aide dialogue; consider changing "hidden in the shadows like the pe'taQ they are" to read "hidden in the shadows like the petaQ they are".
M'rade System: This is a good map design with challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Breen Captain dialogue; consider changing the response button "[Warrior] Petaq'! We have no interest in your data" to read "[Warrior] PetaQ! We have no interest in your data".
-Consider adding a respawn point closer to the battle.
-Consider having the map transfer occur at the end of the battle. Having the player maneuver to a specific point back in the original direction the player came from seemed unnecessary.
Ready Room: This is a good map design and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are several words that are capitalized for no reason. Consider checking all maps and dialogue for this issue. I note this on maps and will cover this in my summary above.
-The use of * vice " in dialogue on this map.
-The Bekk Niaru Urwau dialogue; consider changing "brought me back to Qo'nos" to read "brought me back to Qo'noS".
Nimbus Sector: This is a good map with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-If you are going to use the warp streaks then consider changing your map orientation to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space then the "Weather Starstreaks North South 01" regardless of the players speed.
-Check the Drop to Impulse trigger. Objects appeared before I executed the Drop from Warp task. It was almost as if they are already visible and not tied to the Drop to Impulse trigger.
-Random capitalized words.
-The post "Scan" dialogue; consider changing "these Shiassi petaQ' before" to read "these Shiassi petaQ before".
-During the battle it appears I only had to engage a single ship but the post battle dialogue referred to ships. Is there supposed to be more than one ship?
Stolen Cardassian Cruiser: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I am not sure what "Tah'qet" is. I could find no reference to it on the web as a Klingon word. Is that what you meant to put in?
-The Gorn troops in the other room are still standing. Consider having their default animation be lying on back or face down. Set the idle settings to maximum. Then they will engage the Eppoh and Nanov and once they have defeated them they will fall down for when the player arrives.
Battle Site: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Azure Nebula: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Orion Blockade at Ter'jas Mor: This is a good map design with challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The battle has already begun when the player first spawns. Consider placing the spawn point closer or setting up a trigger as the player approaches that starts the battle area.
-I did not need to respawn but I also did not note a respawn point closer to the battle as I approached. Consider adding a respawn point if you have not done so already. The need for this could be offset by having the spawn point closer to the battle area as indicated in the previous note.
-The Malani D'ian dialogue; consider changing "going to Qo'nos" to read "going to Qo'noS".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and the series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 07/04/2014 on forum posting for: sirboulevard's Honor of Series.
Most of the changes have been made. A few however, have not.
1) The * vice as you call it, is actually to make up for the lack of bold or italic text function. Its to indicate that someone is putting a significant emphasis on a word when the [OOC] or [MissionObjective] tags would be too distracting. This is used in certain writing circles informally.
2) Tah'qet was used in as a Klingon expletive in Starfleet Academy. I chose this word to not wear out using PetaQ and as a shout out.
3) The player warps in out of range of the battle at Terjas Mor so they can read the dialogue. I received numerous complaints about this in Honor of Ferasa. You'll see this in Honor of the Empire too. I will not make this change as a result.
4) The adjusting course at the end of the Ma'rade system map was to give the player a sense of control of the ship before retiring to the ready room.
5) The "enjoy the club" objectives were put in place to get the player to enjoy the map. There are several easter eggs that players might not have noticed if they went straight into the story. Also I've written S'taass as a bit of a hedonist, so it checks out.
6) The Horta is an easter egg. Just something for a bit of a gag. Besides, Hortas are an intelligent species. If they want to look at green skinned space babes, let them.
TRIBBLE Hydra! Hail Janeway!
Thanks for the explanation of your choices. As always all things in my reports are recommendations and are yours to use or not as you choose.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Klingon Mission - Honor of the Empire
Author: sirboulevard
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HAMH4P3R5
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission and excellent wrap up to the series. The map designs are good and detailed. The battles are glorious and plentiful. The story dialogue is excellent and engaging. I would definitely recommend this mission and the entire series to other players. It is an outstanding addition to the glorious Klingon saga.
On almost every single map I noted the misspelling of Qo'noS. There were a few other words that need to be corrected but this word was the most prevalent. If you will note on several map names you spelled Qo'noS as Qo'Nos and in other places in the dialogue you spelled it Qo'nos. In general I correct English words that are misspelled because those words are clearly defined. Words like qapla' and Qo'noS have become part of the English lexicon due to the TV and movie series. In fact in some of the movies Qo'noS was spelled Kronos. Setting those aside for the moment in STO it is spelled Qo'noS. Memory Alpha Wiki and within the game it is spelled Qo'noS. Therefore that is why I recommended the changes below.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue should contain more of the story to draw the player in. The recap that follows is good but the player will never see it if there is nothing to make them click 'Accept'. The entries in your current grant dialogue would be better suited in the description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task with the start location of the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
qa'vln puQmo': This is a great map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Interactive News Hologram dialogue; consider changing "Qa'Pla Warrior" to read "Qapla' Warrior".
-The Ambassador S'taass dialogue; consider changing "Qo'nos always reminds me of Gornar" to read "Qo'noS always reminds me of Gornar". Your spelling of Qo'noS throughout the mission is consistent on each map where you used the word, including several map names. I will note the maps and dialogue and cover it in my summary.
The High Council Convenes: This is a good map with excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The word Qo'noS is misspelled in several places in the dialogue and needs to be corrected.
-The use of the response button "Continue" is quite excessive. Consider examining the places it is being used and exchange it for " " or other variation vice "Continue".
-Map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Sir, we've redevoused with the fleet" to read "Sir, we've rendezvoused with the fleet".
Qo'Nos: This is a good map design with several glorious battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name "Qo'Nos" to read "Qo'noS".
-The J'mpok dialogue; consider changing "areas of Qo'nos" to read "areas of Qo'noS".
Qo'Nos#2: This is a good map design with several glorious battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name "Qo'Nos#2" to read "Qo'noS#2".
Qo'Nos#3: This is a good map design with several glorious battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name "Qo'Nos#3" to read "Qo'noS#3".
Qo'nos System: This is a good map design with several glorious battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name "Qo'nos System" to read "Qo'noS System".
Qo'nos System#2: This is a good map design with several glorious battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name "Qo'nos System#2" to read "Qo'noS System#2".
Abandon Ship: This is a good map with well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The post "Reach the Rear Compartment" dialogue; consider changing "reach the surface of Qo'nos" to read "reach the surface of Qo'noS".
First City: This is a good map design with glorious battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Great Hall Catacombs: This is a good map design with glorious battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Guard Captain Tomek dialogue; consider changing "restored to the Qo'nos defenses" to read "restored to the Qo'noS defenses"
The Great Hall: The Battle of Qo'nos: This is a good map design with glorious battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name "The Great Hall: The Battle of Qo'nos" to read "The Great Hall: The Battle of Qo'noS".
-Consider placing objects to cover the ship holograms in the "Reroute Power to the Exterior Defenses" room. It would look much better.
The Great Hall: The Final Battle: This is a good map design with several glorious battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
The Great Hall - Council Chambers: This is a good map with excellent and detailed story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Gorn Captain dialogue; consider changing "to defend the Qo'nos System" to read "to defend the Qo'noS system".
-The Ambassador S'taass dialogue; consider changing "providing security for Qo'nos" to read "providing security for Qo'noS".
-Consider changing "in orbit to begin glassing Qo'nos" to read "in orbit to begin basting Qo'noS".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The Melani D'ian dialogue; consider changing "to heal the wounded of Qo'nos" to read "to heal the wounded of Qo'noS".
Six Weeks Later: This is a good map with excellent and detailed story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Epilogue; consider changing "since the Battle of Qo'nos" to read "since the Battle of Qo'noS".
-Consider changing "of the damage on Qo'nos" to read "of the damage on Qo'noS".
-Consider changing "to the refugees of Qo'nos" to read "to the refugees of Qo'noS".
Back in the Saddle: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider moving the spawn point for this map to the right slightly. The ship appears to be right up against the wall on the left hand side. This causes the ship to skip several times. When I did a reverse angle I noted the ship spawned right up against the wall.
-The Worf dialogue; consider changing "during the Battle of Qo'nos" to read "during the Battle of Qo'noS".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and the entire series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 07/05/2014 on forum posting for: sirboulevard's Honor of Series.
Federation Mission - Shadows Rising
Author: Sithscourge
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HJ2DB2VGA
Report Start
Summary: This is a good combat oriented mission with challenging battles and well written story dialogue. For being your first Foundry mission you did a great job. Yes there are a few spelling errors here and there and some minor issues with trigger objects that need to be fixed. Despite those issues I would still recommend this mission to other players. I also recommend you create a forum posting that covers your current and future missions. You could call it "Sithscourge's missions" or something along those lines. That would help draw more players to your work.
I mentioned below the use of invisible objects vice the isolinear chips you are currently using. Using invisible objects on the map vice visible objects, like the isolinear chip, means you can place them without the player risking seeing them. Of course, if you use the isolinear chip you should place the Y axis roughly -.001 meters. This height may vary depending on the floor of the map. This is another reason I recommend invisible objects for triggers on a map. You are probably already aware of the tutorials that are available on Starbase UGC but I thought I would mention them anyway.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is okay but needs a little more story to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Hail'. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is okay but needs a little more story in order to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: The initial mission task should contain the start location for the first custom map. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Enguage the enemy" to read "Engage the enemy".
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Star Grazer's last known location: This is a good map design with several challenging battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Rational dialogue; consider changing "We wont listen to" to read "We won't listen to".
-Consider changing the mission task "Engageing the fighters" to read "Engaging the fighters".
-The Admiral Sh'rike dialogue; consider changing the response button "Lets see who gets there first" to read "Let's see who gets there first".
-Consider removing the Asteroid Field dialogue. I get the reference but it is not that funny and detracts from the story.
-Consider removing the Odds dialogue.
U.S.S. Chimera: This is a good map design with several challenging battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider using invisible objects vice the isolinear chips for each of the "Provide assistance" tasks. If you choose to continue to use the isolinear chips then lower them on the Y axis about .001 or so. That way they are not visible on the deck.
-Consider adding pop up dialogue for some of the injured crew the player assists. Other than waving the hands mystically noting seems to happen with the injured crew. This would be mitigated by adding popup dialogue.
Shadow Base: This is a good map design with several challenging battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I noted in one of the comments someone left in the reviews. They mentioned using a different map design rather than a Federation design for the lab. I agree. Consider using a more alien or even Klingon map.
-The post "Finding the Caitians" dialogue; consider changing "[FirstName], It looks like they're being experamented on" to read "[Rank], it looks like they're being experimented on".
-Consider changing "[Rank], Now that we've freed the Caitians" to read "[Rank], now that we've freed the Caitians".
-When the General and Doctor are making their escape consider making the blast larger.
-The end dialogue; consider changing "[FirstName], Shadowmancer has escaped" to read "[Rank], Shadowmancer has escaped".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job for your first mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Federation Mission - The Unsung Mission - Artifacts
Author: starfarertheta
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HNHDXH7MU
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission with nice map designs, fun battles and well written story dialogue. I would recommend this mission to other players who like those elements in a mission.
Below I mention your map naming regarding the use of "Act" in the map title. As I progressed the pattern became a little clearer but it still confused me a little bit. It appears you were using the Act but linking the maps to a specific portion of the mission. If you are going to use that in the map title I would suggest separating each map into its own Act per map. This will help avoid confusion as the player goes through the mission.
As always I enjoy the seeing an author using warp streaks to give the player the feeling of proceeding to a location. On two of your maps you used the "Weather Starstreaks North South" effect with the entire map oriented to the north and south. In my experience I have found that effect does not work well unless the player is at "Full Impulse". If the player is not moving at full impulse it looks odd. Hopefully Cryptic will fix this issue one day but until then I recommend using the "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect with the map oriented east to west. The effect works well at any speed as the streaks flow from west to east regardless of the players speed. Everything else on those maps worked well and can easily be reoriented to the east to west.
The use of optional mission tasks or dialogue can be used by authors to add more depth to their missions and make them more enjoyable. I feel the "Optional Dialogue" used as standard dialogue insertion in the Foundry is extremely limiting. Several authors have found many creative ways to use triggered dialogue as optional tasks and dialogue. The benefit is the dialogue can be configured to go away after the player interacts with it. The drawback of this is that triggered dialogue does not show up on the map. Of course neither does optional tasks. The player can find those optional tasks with the use of a scan but it is still limiting. Unfortunately the developers have not fixed the issue with optional NPC dialogue. Nor have they given authors the ability to place markers for triggered dialogue or tasks on the map. My recommendation to fix both of these issues is to move the bonus objectives and dialogue closer to the player's most likely path. Also consider if the bonus objectives or dialogue do not add anything to the story then you may want to remove them.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is essentially a report on the updates, a basic explanation of how the story works and notes regarding combat. The grant dialogue should tell something of the story and written to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'. The follow on dialogue should be the grant dialogue.
Mission Task: Your mission initial task is okay but you should consider adding the sector block to make it easier for the player to find the start location of your first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Near Breshar Planetoid System (Act I): This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post Scan Debris dialogue; consider changing "something strange about this debirs" to read "something strange about this debris".
-Consider removing the Get into throw range trigger. The player is most likely already going to be inside that trigger range and it really not needed. You can handle it with dialogue stating that the player is already lined up and then go straight to the "Catch Artifact" button. This alleviates the need for explanation dialogue telling the player to move out of range and back into it to trigger it.
-The post Perform the catch dialogue; consider changing "See? I knew it could work" to read "See, I knew it could work". It is a statement not a question.
-You have obviously added the Memory Alpha map so you need to remove the dialogue that tells the player to head back to the Iota Pavonis Sector Block with the response button "[Head back to Cryptic space]".
Memory Apha (Act I): This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-It is obvious that this map was an addition to your mission vice sending the player out to Cryptic Space. That is a good choice; however your map names are now incorrect because of the addition. This map is labeled "Act I" which is the same as the previous map. Was this intentional? If so then you can disregard this comment, otherwise you need to change this map to "Act II" and the others "Act III, Act IV, etc." respectively.
NB Planetoid System (Act II): This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The map name is incorrect unless it is intentional. If it is then you should reconsider the way you label your maps. It is a bit confusing using the same "Act" to span multiple maps.
-If you are going to use the warp streaks then consider changing your map orientation to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space then the "Weather Starstreaks North South 01" regardless of the players speed.
Planetoid Crash Site (Act II): This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-This is another map with "Act II" which as indicated on the previous map can be confusing to the player. Consider changing it to match a new map, i.e. "Act III, Act IV, etc." respectively.
-Consider using triggered optional dialogue vice NPC triggered dialogue. The NPC triggered optional dialogue does not work correctly and remains after the player interacts with it. Triggered optional dialogue can be set to remain visible if desired or disappear after the player interacts.
NB Planetoid System (Act III): This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
The Nebula (Act III): This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-This is another map with "Act III" which as indicated on the previous map can be confusing to the player. It appears that you are doing this deliberately as part of the story. Consider changing it so that each map is an "Act" within the story.
-Consider changing your map orientation to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect.
-The end dialogue appears after the end mission rating box appears. Consider adding a "To be continued button task which appears after the dialogue is completed. Then the mission ends after the dialogue is read. You can use a large invisible object as the trigger.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing the rest of the missions in the series and more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 07/31/2014 on forum posting for: Starfarertheta's Foundry Missions
Federation Mission - The Unsung Mission - Escalation
Author: starfarertheta
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HQTGG3SXM
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission and an excellent addition to the series. The map designs are good. The battles, both optional and required are fun. The story dialogue is well written. I would recommend this mission to other players.
Below you have the player transition and travel across Cryptic maps between the various Acts within the story. Having the player to use cryptic maps between mission maps does not work for three reasons. The first is the transition back to the cryptic map leaves the original entry prompt for the part of the mission. The second is as the player transits across Cryptic maps to distant sector blocks it becomes easier to drop your mission. The third is having a player leave your mission once they are inside it does not work well from a story telling point. There is no reason you could not have the player transit to a new mission map where you use the "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect at the start of the map. Then move the dialogue that appears after the current "Engage Warp-Drive" method you are using to that map. You used the effect of having the player drop from warp with objects appearing in your previous mission very well, despite using the "Weather Starstreaks North South 01" effect it could work here using the other effect.
I mention using triggered dialogue to break up multiple mission tasks. This means when you have several mission tasks to complete you should add popup dialogue that is triggered by the completion of a specific mission task. This can be done by creating popup dialogue on the map that is tied to the completion of a specific object that is part of a mission task. For example when the player is interacting with a specific piece of wreckage that is part of a larger mission task the map popup dialogue can be triggered by completion of that piece. This allows the player to receive feedback when there are several mission oriented tasks to complete. Using mission story dialogue only allows it to appear once the entire task is complete. It is a way of keeping the player interested while going through several mission tasks on a given map.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is essentially a report on the updates, a basic explanation of how the story works and notes regarding combat. The grant dialogue should tell something of the story and written to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'. The follow on dialogue should be the grant dialogue.
Mission Task: Your mission initial task is okay but you should consider adding the sector block to make it easier for the player to find the start location of your first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the initial prompt. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "heading to Etra Eridanni Sector" to read "heading to Eta Eridani Sector".
MAPS:
Near Rashana Winter World: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Act I dialogue; consider changing "accomplish by looking a wrecks" to read "accomplish by looking at wrecks".
-Consider replacing the default "Continue" response button with [Listen] or something along those lines.
The First Wreckage: This is a good map design with easy combat and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Depending on the order the player examines the wreckage they may end up examining some of the pieces out of order when the spiders attack. I encountered one incident once I finished examining the last piece of wreckage. Consider making all the spider mobs appear on the map at the start. The sudden appearance of the mobs makes no sense at all.
-The only problem with so many mission tasks is no feedback on them. You do not need feedback on each one but you can trigger popup dialogue to give the player feedback on some of the tasks. You did have popup dialogue but it seemed to be unrelated to specific objects that were being scanned. Consider adding triggered popup dialogue for some of the tasks.
NR Winter World: This is a good map design with tough but fun optional combat and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Using Cryptic maps as a transfer between mission maps is not a good idea. No matter how you do it the mission entry for that area shows up. Additionally the map transfer from mission to Cryptic is the default "Go to Next Map". I will note this throughout the mission and cover it in the summary above.
-Before having the player leave the map to transit via the Cryptic maps you indicate they are at warp. There is no indication of it during the actual play. Using a warp streak weather effect is a good way to use a space map to transition the story; however it can be difficult if the player is not lined up correctly. Also I recommend the "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect.
Near Draylon Tropical World: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "It is most likely that he is. Remain vigilant" to read "Most likely he is. Watch him carefully".
The Second Wreckage: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Mission task feedback. It will be covered in the summary.
ND Tropical World: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Ambush dialogue appears just as we are being engaged. I was at full impulse and was engaged before I was able to read the dialogue. Consider making the dialogue appear earlier in the transit.
-Using Cryptic maps as a transfer between mission maps. This will be covered in the summary above.
Near Rator Desert World: This is a good map design with good optional combat and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
The Third Wreckage: This is a good map design with good optional combat and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Mission task feedback. It will be covered in the summary.
-I refer to the combat as being optional but several enemy mobs are not optional and must be engaged in order to examine the wreckage.
NR Desert World: This is a good map design with good optional combat and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-You use the "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect on this map but the point where the player "Engage Warp-Drive" is not actually aligned with the effect. Consider having the point further into line with a not telling the player to turn west into the effect. You can also place multiple "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effects parallel to each other with the note to turn west.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and the series so far. I look forward to playing/reviewing the next mission in the series and more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 08/01/2014 on forum posting for: Starfarertheta's Foundry Missions
Title: Timeless
Author: wildkazoo
ID: ST-HPX4833Z6
Faction: Federation
Level: 41+
Length: 40 - 75 minutes.
This is a sequel to Foothold (ID: ID: ST-HN6PZ5EJS)
Description:
Fabrications: part II
Your success with recovering the data from Starbase 82 in Foothold has brought you to the attention of Admiral Boatwright. He is calling on you to venture into a system laden with mysterious temporal anomalies and rescue the crews of two missing starships. The U.S.S. Farnsworth, carrying valuable experimental Starfleet technologies, has gone missing. Another starship, the U.S.S. Lahan, was sent to find it. But contact was lost with the Lahan as well. What is to be found in the Maro System? What dangers lurk in a system fraught with time?
Name: Epohh's Day
Faction: Fed
Author: @voporak
Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5lBgF4VXn4&list=UUtxkyjnD9LAvtqEvQv4YMlA
A simple visit to New Romulus for a holiday takes a turn for the worse when disaster strikes. However, as events start repeating themselves, you realize you're not just trapped in catastrophe... you're trapped in Epohh's Day!
Thanks
Mission Name: The Covenant part 1
Author: Logitech007
Minimum Level: 31+
Allegiance: Starfleet Federation
Project ID: ST-ST-HUCUI6DUA
Estimated Mission Length: About 45 min to 1 hour give or take.
Mission Name: The Covenant part 2
Author: Logitech007
Minimum Level: 31+
Allegiance: Starfleet Federation
Project ID: ST-HINOZE859
Estimated Mission Length: ABout 45 minto 1 hour give or take.
Thanks again.
Logitech007
Faction: Fed
Author: @voporak
Far away from the front lines of the most recent conflict, the wars rage on. The stories of victories and sacrifices in the Dyson Sphere and Fluidic Space will forever be told, but what about the battles that no one will remember?
And also, the prequel sequel to Ashkrik23's Perfection.
Name: Imperfection
Faction: Fed
Author: @voporak
The destruction of the Borg by the powers of the Alpha and Beta Quadrants produced tremendous amounts of information - including the mission logs of the U.S.S. Resistance, a ship lost just before the Borg invasion. As the savior of the galaxy, you have been chosen to explore the holographic recreation of the vessel's final voyage to uncover the backstory behind the Borg's quest for Perfection.
Mission Name: Explore Delta Volanis 4171C
Author: rekurzion
Minimum Level: 31+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HARM78KB4
Estimated Mission Length: ~30-45mins
Subtitle is called: The Snare
Hi Wildkazoo,
Welcome to the queue. Your mission is 14th in the queue behind jezaleigha. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi Voporak,
Welcome to the queue. Your mission is currently 15th in the queue behind wildkazoo. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi Logitech007,
Welcome to the queue. Your missions are 16th and 17th in the queue behind voporak. I will review your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Once again Voporak,
Welcome back to the queue.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi Rekurzion,
Welcome to the queue. Your mission is currently 20th in the queue behind voporak. I will get to your mission for review just as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Here is my first mission details:
Mission Name: Federation Spies
Author: Mignarde
Minimum Level: 45 to play, 50 to be comfortable
Allegiance: KDF
Project ID: ST-HCOWQGQM4
Estimated Mission Length: 30 minutes
You will be contacted by a Starfleet Intelligence service, so you need to be very careful that they are not trying to manipulate you.
Thanks for your time.
Hi Mignarde,
Welcome to the queue and the Foundry. Your mission is currently 20th in the queue behind rekurzion. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - The Unsung Mission - Maelstrom
Author: starfarertheta
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HST5R3A34
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission in the series and a nice wrap up to the story. The map designs were well done, the battles were tough but fun and the story dialogue was excellent. I would definitely recommend this mission and the series to other players.
The only issue that really bothered me was the warp out at the end of two of the maps. There was follow on dialogue but no warp effect. I felt you could have designed the dialogue to take place at the beginning of the next map with a warp effect taking place. The only map that might be hard to do this with is the Badlands map. I do think that would be a better use of that dialogue and the beginning of those two maps. If you do change it I would suggest you orient the maps objects to be west to east and use the Weather Starstreaks West East 01 effect. It works well at any speed.
Below are a few things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a nice introduction but it needs more to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Accept' button. Consider adding the follow on introduction dialogue that follows accepting the mission. It would address my concerns from above. Consider not using the acronym 'TUM' for the mission title. You should spell out the name. I like the option to review the previous mission and mechanics of your missions. If you are going to warn a player to be well equipped then tell them what they need, otherwise why bother. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: Your initial mission task should have the start location of your first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt with the exception of your use of the acronym 'TUM' instead of the mission title. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
The Unsung Battlefield (Act I)(Daise System): This is a good map with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Penumbra Encounter dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] [Nickname], I am" to read "[Rank] [LastName], I am".
-I am not very fond of the warping out and the follow on dialogue with no warp effect. I feel like it detracts from the story. It would be better if you could build the next map with the player at warp with Weather Starstreaks West East 01 at the beginning of the next map.
-The Starfleet Fleetwide Broadcast dialogue; consider changing the acronym "ASAP" to read "as soon as possible". I suggest this because most likely a priority message would not have acronyms in it. Additionally "Fleet" and "wide" are two different words.
The Conduit (Act II, Part 1): This is a good map design with fun optional and required battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Another Obstacle dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], It appears" to read "[Rank], it appears".
Conduit Station (Act II, Part II): This is a good map design with challenging but fun optional battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], It looks like" to read "[Rank], it looks like".
-In some of the dialogue with the ship you have "[OOC](Static)[/OOC]" and in other you do not. Consider adding the [OOC] dialogue to those without.
-Consider changing the dialogue "[Rank], Tricorders are reading" to read "[Rank], tricorders are reading"
-The Confrontation dialogue; consider changing "you've arrived too late [Nickname]" to read "you've arrived too late [LastName]".
-Consider changing "[ShipName] to [Rank] [Nickname]" to read "[ShipName] to [Rank] [LastName]".
The Conduit (Act III): This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Again I am not very fond of the warping out and the follow on dialogue with no warp effect. It would be better if you could build the next map with the player at warp with Weather Starstreaks West East 01 at the beginning of the next map.
Aftermath (Act IV): This is a good map design with excellent dialogue to wrap up the story. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Starfleet Fleetwide Broadcast dialogue; consider changing the response button "*breathe sigh of relif*" to read "*breathe sigh of relief*".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and the whole series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 08/14/2014 on forum posting for: Starfarertheta's Foundry Missions
With the destruction of her toxin facility at the Wamesahau system, I'Zira has launched a full invasion on the planet of Bajor to test her new toxin. In the process, she has taken control of Deep Space Nine and the planetary defense satelites. With Vice Admiral Kovu heading to Bajor to hold off till reinforcements arrive, you must take back Deep Space Nine and the planetary defense satelites with General Karopov's assistance. Should you fail, an entire civilization will be lost and along with it, possibly many more.
Report to the Lateri system to meet with General Karopov. Level 50+
I know this isn't my thread or review, but I'd like to point out that "fleetwide" can be one word (i.e. "worldwide"), and that "tricorder's are" is actually grammatically incorrect. It might be better to go for "my tricorder's reading", given that the officer is most likely only looking at their own.
There used to be a picture here, but they changed signatures and I can't be bothered to replace it.