Hi Evil, I wanted to submit the first 2 parts of my new series. This takes place after Perfection. All the info.
Scars of the Pride Pt 2:The Claw
Synopsis: It has been three days since the attack on Bajor. You and your crew have completed your leave time while waiting for Admiral Taka to contact you with the results of M'Kiara's study of the toxin Captain T'Vitani used on herself. A new breakthrough with the Borg medical technology could serve as something to adapt against this toxin. Someone else has their eyes on this device though, and for the wrong reasons...The toxin's true effects are about to be witnessed, Not even the U.S.S. Simba will be safe from this threat. Report to the Lateri System in the Beta Ursae sector block.
Federation Mission - Scars of the Pride - Part 2: The Claw
Author: ashkrik23
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID:
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. You have definitely improved your spelling and grammar in this story over the previous mission. While I would recommend this mission to all players I would not recommend them on Elite level. The toughness of the enemy mobs more than a challenge on normal level.
I mentioned the use of puzzles on two of the maps below. The use puzzles can be fun but they should serve a purpose in the story. Making them part of a decryption sequence for access to a door did not appear to add anything to the story. You did use a bypass puzzle button but the puzzles you used did not appear to add to the story. It would make more sense that a Starfleet officer would be able to override any security protocol on a Starfleet vessel.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue albeit an unusual approach I like it. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: U.S.S. Simba Research Level: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Puzzles can be fun but should have something to do with the story. Consider removing the puzzle to open the door to the shuttle bay. It does not enhance the story in anyway.
-Consider changing the turbo lift to the standard Federation turbolift. The one you are using looks out of place.
Engineering: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The respawn point is behind the force field. If a player is forced to use it they cannot complete the map. Consider removing the force field or moving it where it will not place the player behind it if they have to respawn.
-Consider making the bombs all the same.
-Consider changing the random logs that are not objectives on the map to be a body that is set to appear after the enemy mobs are killed.
-The Reman Personal Log; consider changing "The can not be allowed" to read "They cannot be allowed".
-Consider removing the puzzle. It does not enhance the story in anyway.
-Consider changing the turbo lift to the standard Federation turbolift.
-Consider changing the map name to "U.S.S. Simba Engineering" in order to match the other ship maps.
U.S.S. Simba Bridge: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider removing the question by the player "Speaking of Zira, who is she". Since you do not intend to answer the question and the player ends up agreeing they do not need to know makes the question irrelevant to the story.
-Consider changing the turbo lift to the standard Federation turbolift.
U.S.S. Simba Crew Deck: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
U.S.S. Simba Medbay: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Claw dialogue; consider changing "did not go unnoticed. but I'm sure" to read "did not go unnoticed, but I'm sure"
-Consider changing "Your rashness clerly demonstrates" to read "Your rashness clearly demonstrates".
Lateri System: This is a good map with very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job with this mission and the series so far.
Brian
A Review of Scars of the Pride Part 3: Toxin, a Foundry Mission by Ashkrik 23. This review was done on my second play-through of the mission.
____________Main Review_____________
The strong storyline, optional objectives, challenging combat, and cameos all combine to provide a memorable experience.
I believe that story lovers will find the story in this mission to be thrilling, although I recommend playing the previous entries to get the most of the story. I'm not going to spoil much, if anything, here, but I will say that there is a well-executed build-up to the reveal of the series' largely mysterious antagonist, I'Zira. Believe me, she will make an impression.
The optional objectives tied in smoothly with the main storyline, and strangely enough they don't feel out of the way either. I recommend that players give these a shot as they will enhance the experience, and in some cases will make things a little easier.
Heed the warning in the description about coming well prepared, as some of the battles can be murder. Those who love challenging combat should find much enjoyment out of these combat situations (Unless you are OP. In that case, try the optional objectives to find what I consider the hardest fight to be found in the mission ).
I think some people will find enjoyment in this mission by way of finding cameos.
And to top it all off, the whole experience ends with a great cliffhangar, which makes a great set-up for the next mission.
__________For the Author (Spoilers)____________
General Observation:
- I don't know why, but I'm thinking that all of the optional objective npc's are cameos.
- Interesting concept behind the soundtrack feature.
Map 1:
- Nice NPC Usage.
Side note: How do you get the speech bubbles above the NPC's to work without
constantly repeating?
- Story Recap: I thought this was a great addition, but consider separating the text into smaller paragraphs as some people
may view it as a wall of text, even though it really wasn't all that much to read.
Some places where I would separate the sentences is before the sentences:
"Unfortunately, the meeting was interrupted..."
and...
"After saving the ship..."
- "It has not been disturbed for over a century until now it seems." Consider either
dropping "it seems" to make the sentence flow better, or add a comma after "century."
- Sad Report: Consider adding a comma before the word "but."
Map 2:
- Well done, the optional objective was especially well done.
Map 3:
- Finding the Stronghold: "My science officer found traces IF the same toxin...."
Might want to change that to OF.
- Signals:
"I picked up a single not of our own." Should change that to signal.
- Plan of Action:
"It is at the moust southern point." Might want to change that to most.
- I thought that the ambush on the surface was a bit much, but that might just be me.
One thing that I think you can do to make that a little bit better is by adding some barrels or something that the player could blow up to thin out the ambush as it starts.
- That Voth Mech Boss...
Map 4:
- Well done. Couldn't find anything to note here.
Map 5:
"Whoever can do this to the Undine is not someone to trifle with." This seems a little
out of place with the dialogue that precedes it.
Fate of the Missing Crew:
"We never most of them again..." I think the word "see" should be in there.
- I'Zira's Escape:
"Reclaim it if you cam, it will serve no use..." cam should be changed to can.
Map 6:
- Well done. Couldn't really find anything to note here.
So aside from some things here and there, you did a fantastic job. I wonder what's going to happen next!
Thank you and I am happy you enjoyed it. I shall fix those minor issues tomorrow...or today since for me it technically turned "tomorrow" one hour ago XD.
In Scars of the Pride, Part 4, you journey to Deep Space Nine to stop I'Zira's invasion. But when you arrive, you find very few ships left. In addition, various nebulas have popped up in the area lately along with several passing asteroid fields. They could become potential obstacles or just maybe, hide any surviving ships who escaped the attack.
The following screenshot is a work-in-progress map.
A normie goes "Oh, what's this?"
An otaku goes "UwU, what's this?"
A furry goes "OwO, what's this?"
A werewolf goes "Awoo, what's this?"
"It's nothing personal, I just don't feel like I've gotten to know a person until I've sniffed their crotch." "We said 'no' to Mr. Curiosity. We're not home. Curiosity is not welcome, it is not to be invited in. Curiosity...is bad. It gets you in trouble, it gets you killed, and more importantly...it makes you poor!"
Passion and Serenity are one.
I gain power by understanding both.
In the chaos of their battle, I bring order.
I am a shadow, darkness born from light.
The Force is united within me.
That's quite the paradox, how could you nerf nerf when the nerf is nerfed. But how would the nerf be nerfed when the nerf is nerfed? This allows the nerf not to be nerfed since the nerf is nerfed? But if the nerf isn't nerfed, it could still nerf nerfs. But as soon as the nerf is nerfed, the nerf power is lost. So paradoxally it the nerf nerf lost its nerf, while it's still nerfed, which cannot be because the nerf was unable to nerf.
Voporak needs to play Perfection, part 2, then play CSG 1 and rant about how evil Stoutes is for allowing your character to indirectly kill a Caitian officer.
I have added the general biographies on the front page's first post. These are taken from my in-game biographies I have made. These will be updated as characters appear in the story or I actually make an in-game biography for a character who has already been in it.
You may notice some of them are shorter than others. The reason for this is because back when I first made some of my characters, I had no idea I would be making this series. The majority of story about these characters will come from the missions themselves, particularly my "Origin story" missions I have planned for after the main series is completed.
Comments
Sorry.
Federation Mission - Scars of the Pride - Part 2: The Claw
Author: ashkrik23
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID:
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. You have definitely improved your spelling and grammar in this story over the previous mission. While I would recommend this mission to all players I would not recommend them on Elite level. The toughness of the enemy mobs more than a challenge on normal level.
I mentioned the use of puzzles on two of the maps below. The use puzzles can be fun but they should serve a purpose in the story. Making them part of a decryption sequence for access to a door did not appear to add anything to the story. You did use a bypass puzzle button but the puzzles you used did not appear to add to the story. It would make more sense that a Starfleet officer would be able to override any security protocol on a Starfleet vessel.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue albeit an unusual approach I like it. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
U.S.S. Simba Research Level: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Puzzles can be fun but should have something to do with the story. Consider removing the puzzle to open the door to the shuttle bay. It does not enhance the story in anyway.
-Consider changing the turbo lift to the standard Federation turbolift. The one you are using looks out of place.
Engineering: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The respawn point is behind the force field. If a player is forced to use it they cannot complete the map. Consider removing the force field or moving it where it will not place the player behind it if they have to respawn.
-Consider making the bombs all the same.
-Consider changing the random logs that are not objectives on the map to be a body that is set to appear after the enemy mobs are killed.
-The Reman Personal Log; consider changing "The can not be allowed" to read "They cannot be allowed".
-Consider removing the puzzle. It does not enhance the story in anyway.
-Consider changing the turbo lift to the standard Federation turbolift.
-Consider changing the map name to "U.S.S. Simba Engineering" in order to match the other ship maps.
U.S.S. Simba Bridge: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider removing the question by the player "Speaking of Zira, who is she". Since you do not intend to answer the question and the player ends up agreeing they do not need to know makes the question irrelevant to the story.
-Consider changing the turbo lift to the standard Federation turbolift.
U.S.S. Simba Crew Deck: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
U.S.S. Simba Medbay: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Claw dialogue; consider changing "did not go unnoticed. but I'm sure" to read "did not go unnoticed, but I'm sure"
-Consider changing "Your rashness clerly demonstrates" to read "Your rashness clearly demonstrates".
Lateri System: This is a good map with very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job with this mission and the series so far.
Brian
This critique report also filed 05/11/2014 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
As always, glad I could help.
Brian
A preview of the title for the next mission. Part 4 will conclude the first half of Scars of the Pride.
Credit goes to @Voporak for the title.
The dialogue should flow much better now.
Thanks again to Evil70th!
A Review of Scars of the Pride Part 3: Toxin, a Foundry Mission by Ashkrik 23.
This review was done on my second play-through of the mission.
____________Main Review_____________
The strong storyline, optional objectives, challenging combat, and cameos all combine to provide a memorable experience.
I believe that story lovers will find the story in this mission to be thrilling, although I recommend playing the previous entries to get the most of the story. I'm not going to spoil much, if anything, here, but I will say that there is a well-executed build-up to the reveal of the series' largely mysterious antagonist, I'Zira. Believe me, she will make an impression.
The optional objectives tied in smoothly with the main storyline, and strangely enough they don't feel out of the way either. I recommend that players give these a shot as they will enhance the experience, and in some cases will make things a little easier.
Heed the warning in the description about coming well prepared, as some of the battles can be murder. Those who love challenging combat should find much enjoyment out of these combat situations (Unless you are OP. In that case, try the optional objectives to find what I consider the hardest fight to be found in the mission
I think some people will find enjoyment in this mission by way of finding cameos.
And to top it all off, the whole experience ends with a great cliffhangar, which makes a great set-up for the next mission.
__________For the Author (Spoilers)____________
General Observation:
- I don't know why, but I'm thinking that all of the optional objective npc's are cameos.
- Interesting concept behind the soundtrack feature.
Map 1:
- Nice NPC Usage.
Side note: How do you get the speech bubbles above the NPC's to work without
constantly repeating?
- Story Recap: I thought this was a great addition, but consider separating the text into smaller paragraphs as some people
may view it as a wall of text, even though it really wasn't all that much to read.
Some places where I would separate the sentences is before the sentences:
"Unfortunately, the meeting was interrupted..."
and...
"After saving the ship..."
- "It has not been disturbed for over a century until now it seems." Consider either
dropping "it seems" to make the sentence flow better, or add a comma after "century."
- Sad Report: Consider adding a comma before the word "but."
Map 2:
- Well done, the optional objective was especially well done.
Map 3:
- Finding the Stronghold:
"My science officer found traces IF the same toxin...."
Might want to change that to OF.
- Signals:
"I picked up a single not of our own." Should change that to signal.
- Plan of Action:
"It is at the moust southern point." Might want to change that to most.
- I thought that the ambush on the surface was a bit much, but that might just be me.
One thing that I think you can do to make that a little bit better is by adding some barrels or something that the player could blow up to thin out the ambush as it starts.
- That Voth Mech Boss...
Map 4:
- Well done. Couldn't find anything to note here.
Map 5:
"Whoever can do this to the Undine is not someone to trifle with." This seems a little
out of place with the dialogue that precedes it.
Fate of the Missing Crew:
"We never most of them again..." I think the word "see" should be in there.
- I'Zira's Escape:
"Reclaim it if you cam, it will serve no use..." cam should be changed to can.
Map 6:
- Well done. Couldn't really find anything to note here.
So aside from some things here and there, you did a fantastic job. I wonder what's going to happen next!
____________________________________________
End of Review.
Thank you and I am happy you enjoyed it. I shall fix those minor issues tomorrow...or today since for me it technically turned "tomorrow" one hour ago XD.
The following screenshot is a work-in-progress map.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2Bxa8X3Unk&feature=youtu.be
#LegalizeAwoo
A normie goes "Oh, what's this?"
An otaku goes "UwU, what's this?"
A furry goes "OwO, what's this?"
A werewolf goes "Awoo, what's this?"
"It's nothing personal, I just don't feel like I've gotten to know a person until I've sniffed their crotch."
"We said 'no' to Mr. Curiosity. We're not home. Curiosity is not welcome, it is not to be invited in. Curiosity...is bad. It gets you in trouble, it gets you killed, and more importantly...it makes you poor!"
I'm happy he liked it. :cool:
I call it, the Stoutes paradox.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCdnlWiOA2E&list=UUtxkyjnD9LAvtqEvQv4YMlA
You may notice some of them are shorter than others. The reason for this is because back when I first made some of my characters, I had no idea I would be making this series. The majority of story about these characters will come from the missions themselves, particularly my "Origin story" missions I have planned for after the main series is completed.