Hello, Evil 70th, I have a couple of missions I would like for you to review, I will give you the information that you will need.
Please note, Part one starts at the end of my other series and this part continues the story but playing the other series is not needed but you might be confused.
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Mission Name: The Fvain Group part one. ( Most of this mission is done in flashbacks)
Author: Logitech007
Minimum Level: 31+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HUUBIG8KJ
Estimated Mission Length: About 45 min to an hour. Depends on you.
Story:From the Borg---Jem' Hadar battle crisis came a group of officers who are plotting the downfall of the Federation by any and all means. They have triggered some sort of splinter group. Enemies are now allies and allies are now enemies. Can you put a stop to this before this group successful. If they are, what will be the balance of power be like in the area? Where did this group come from and who leads this group? How big is this group? The answer may or may not surprise you.
Starting place: Wall console just outside of the Transporter room on Earth space dock.
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Mission Name: The Fvain Group part Tne. ( You will need a shuttle for one part of this mission, the game will tell you when you need it.)
Author: Logitech007
Minimum Level: 31+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HFIPWJ7A5
Estimated Mission Length: About 30-45 min.
Story: Now we know who in Starfleet's Echelon is part of the Fvain Group, but does it going further up the chain then some of its command officers. Are there more misguided officers who are plotting? Who will we enter into a temporary alliance with, The Romulans or the Klingons, to put an end to this and will this new alliance push the Federation across the line that they can not undo or will the ends justify the means to whatever the length Starfleet will go to end this threat once and for all? Another player is revealed.
Starting place: Wall console just outside of the Transporter room on Earth space dock.
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Thank you for taking the time to play and review my missions.
Thanks
Logitech007
Hi Logitech007,
Welcome back to the queue. Your missions are currently 19 and 20 in the queue behind shillelagh73. I will get to these missions as soon as I can.
Thank you for posting the current queue, I appreciate knowing where I am in line. We also understand you have a real life besides STO and that it takes awhile to test everything and I am grateful for the time you do spend doing this.
I do love playing the game but work is just keeping me so busy I just have not been able to play. I am starting to get back into the queue as I can.
Thanks to you and everyone for understanding.
Brian
The first three missions in the queue appear to have been withdrawn by the authors. I cannot locate them so I have moved on to mission 4 in the queue Overture 6: Finale with Cannonade by KineticImpulser.
Federation Mission - Overture 6: Finale with Cannonade
Author: KineticImpulser
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HECU5DAJR
Report Start
Summary: This is a great story mission and excellent wrap up to the mission series. The map designs are outstanding. The battles are balanced and fun to engage. The story dialogue is in-depth, riveting, and excellently written. It hardly felt like 2 plus hours of playing time to complete the mission. I would highly recommend this mission and the entire series to all players who like a great story oriented mission with just enough fighting to keep it interesting.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant and follow on dialogue are well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt
MAPS: Your Ship - Hanger Deck: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Unikuia Prime - Vanguard: This is a great map design with well balanced battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Boarding the U.S.S. Serapis - Engineering Deck: This is a good map design with a fun battle and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Lock the Holo-matrix console in engineering appears to be sitting slightly off the deck. Consider moving it down on the Y axis.
Boarding the U.S.S. Serapis - Crew Deck: This is a good map design with a fun battle and great story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Lock the Holo-matrix console in cabin appears to be sitting well above the deck. Consider moving it down on the Y axis.
Boarding the U.S.S. Serapis - Bridge: This is a nice map design with a good battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Lock the Holo-matrix console in cabin appears to be sitting slightly above the deck. Consider moving it down on the Y axis.
Unikuia Prime - Le Fin Grande: This is a great map design with a spectacular battle and outstanding story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
U.S.S. Serapis - Debriefing: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
U.S.S. Serapis - Epilogue: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with this mission and the entire series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 08/11/2013 on forum posting for: Star Trek: Overture
Mission Name: No Prize for Second Contact II
Author: Contactpsi
Minimum Level: 16+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HL6S9MR6F
Estimated Mission Length: 45-60 minutes
Hey again, Evil! Act II has been published. Would you have time to provide one of your reviews?
Federation Mission - No Prize for Second Contact II
Author: Contactpsi
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HL6S9MR6F
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission with good map design, tough, but fun battles, and riveting story dialogue. The mission is a good combination of story and combat to keep both types of players interested throughout the mission. I would highly recommend this to all players although not on Elite level.
Below are a few things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant and follow on dialogue are very well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good mission task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Chapter I, Argelius System: This is a good map design with a very tough battle and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Captain Proffitt dialogue, consider changing "the main comp<Hard Return>uter" to read "the main computer".
Chapter II, The Satellite: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Chapter II, Argelius System: This is a good map with excellent story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-You have this map and the previous map named "Chapter II". This throws off the follow on Chapter numbers. Consider renaming the maps.
Chapter III, The Bridge: This is a good map with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Chapter IV, Security Office: This is a good map design with a couple of good battles and excellent dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Dartek dialogue, consider changing "I also request an asylum and immunity to persecution" to read "I also request asylum and immunity from prosecution".
Chapter V, Heservat III: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I was not sure if you intended to use the word "sender" both times you used it. Did you mean "notify" vice "sender" or was that intentional as a language difference?
-Consider breaking up the dialogue following the Administrator Tedrik dialogue to have the player move away before continuing the dialogue with Captain Proffitt and the player's ship.
Chapter VI, Hidden Base: This is a good map design with several very tough battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding a respawn point deeper in the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job on this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Hello, Evil70th, I have my part three that I just finished that I would liked to be reviewed, I will list the information below for you. You have the other 2 parts on your list, so why don't you review part 3 last part.
Name: The Fvain Group part 3.
ID: ST-HIOTD6JKC
Author name: Logitech007
Language: English
Side: Federation
Level: 31+
Starting location: Wall console just outside of the transporter room on ESD
Story: In this conclusion of the story, Starfleet and the Klingon Empire has made strides to end this threat to both of them and to the entire quadrant. The true person(s) behind all of this is reveled. Are the players just pawns in the great game? Will the Federation and the Klingon Empire be able to cut the head off of this threat or will they fail? We are now finally able to know how and why each member joined the Fvain group.
Thank you for reviewing parts 1 2 and three. Thanks. I look forward to your reviews.
Hello, Evil70th, I have my part three that I just finished that I would liked to be reviewed, I will list the information below for you. You have the other 2 parts on your list, so why don't you review part 3 last part.
Name: The Fvain Group part 3.
ID: ST-HIOTD6JKC
Author name: Logitech007
Language: English
Side: Federation
Level: 31+
Starting location: Wall console just outside of the transporter room on ESD
Story: In this conclusion of the story, Starfleet and the Klingon Empire has made strides to end this threat to both of them and to the entire quadrant. The true person(s) behind all of this is reveled. Are the players just pawns in the great game? Will the Federation and the Klingon Empire be able to cut the head off of this threat or will they fail? We are now finally able to know how and why each member joined the Fvain group.
Thank you for reviewing parts 1 2 and three. Thanks. I look forward to your reviews.
Thanks
Logitech007
Hey Logitech007,
Thanks for the request. I have added your mission to the queue along with your first two missions in the series. The part 3 of your mission is currently 20th in the queue behind maninblack017. I will review your missions as soon as I can.
Name: The Writers of History
ID: ST-HHSLC2PJA
Author: Donkyhotay
Faction: Federation
Level: Any
Duration: 15-45 minutes
This is my first mission so I'm quite interested in what people think of it. As I'm certain you've heard from others, thank you for taking your time to review all of these missions.
Federation Mission - The Writers of History
Author: Donkyhotay
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HHSLC2PJA
Report Start
Summary: This is a good story oriented mission with a couple of battles to keep the story moving forward. For your first mission I would say you did a good job overall. The story dialogue is very well written but needs a little rework here and there to help the story flow and correct typos. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players who like a good story oriented mission combined with minimal combat to immerse the player in the mission.
There are a few things you can do to make the mission flow better and make the player feel as if they are part of the story and not just reading it. The mission grant dialogue implies that a starship needs to physically go to Memory Alpha in order to archive its logs. I find this premise to be flawed in an age of warp drive and communications across light years of space in a short amount of time. In addition Starfleet ships and bases would be interconnected to preclude the need for a stop off at a specific location to do an archiving of the ships logs. Consider changing the premise of the visit to Memory Alpha to a call for assistance in rectifying discrepancies found in archived log files, rather than a call to archive the files the player's ship has been carrying around since they took over. You would then make the start location to enter the "Memory Alpha debriefing room" when the player arrives at the entry to Memory Alpha. You could then remove the requirement for the player to reach a console on Memory Alpha to download the files. You could also rewrite the dialogue concerning the archiving of the log files.
On almost every map below I mention capitalization of organizations, races, and factions as an issue. Specifically I noted the use of Federation, Borg, Klingon, and Vulcan for factions within the game. Similarly I noted the use of capitalization of organizations within the game such as Starfleet and Section 31 mentioned in this review. I use the standard of capitalization that is outline on the STO Wiki indicating the use of capitalization for organizations, game factions, and individual races within a mission.
I mention the use of contractions by Vulcan's on several of the maps below. This issue is entirely up to you as the author on how you handle it. As a general rule I would say the use of a contraction in a response button is not a concern since there is no way for the author to tailor the dialogue for a player's race. I have received those types of comments before saying something like "my character would not make jokes" or something equally dumb. However when using an NPC designed within the mission by the author you can control the language they use and at this point you have to decide how to create it. It is up to the author to decide and live with the decision. You will find players that feel a Vulcan would never use a contraction and therefore will mark down your mission for that reason.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is okay but needs a little more story behind it. This is where you draw the player in and make them want to click the "Hail" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is okay but needs a little more work. The premise that a starship needs to be physically present to archive its files seems a little odd with the communications capabilities of the age. Consider changing it to being called to Memory Alpha to explain some of the player's recent submissions or something along those lines. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is good initial task with a clear location for the start of the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Memory Alpha debriefing room: This is a nice simple map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing the response button "Paklet error" to read "Pakled error".
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "throughout starfleet history" to read "throughout Starfleet history".
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing the response button "I guess I don't know starfleet history as well as I should" to read "I guess I don't know Starfleet history as well as I should" In addition it might be a better to not insult the player. This is the second example of lack of capitalization of organizations with the game. From this point I will note the map that it occurs on and cover in the summary above.
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "incident a borg temporal node" to read "incident a Borg temporal node".
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "being reassigned to the borg or klingon fronts" to read "being reassigned to the Borg or Klingon fronts" This the second example of lack of capitalization of factions within the game. From this point I will note the map that it occurs on and cover in the summary above.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Course set for the babel system" to read "Course set for the Babel system"
Babel system: This is a great map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post "Time shift" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] We're through the portal" to read "[Rank] we're through the portal"
-Consider changing "I am detecting a large number of federation ships" to read "I am detecting a large number of Federation ships". From this point I will note the map that it occurs on and cover in the summary above.
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "We're invisible to them" to read "We are invisible to them". This would be an optional change as Vulcan's are unlikely to use contractions.
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "They're heading straight to Earth" to read "They are heading straight to Earth". Again this would be an optional change as Vulcan's are unlikely to use contractions. I will also cover this in my summary above.
Deep space: This is a great map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I did like how you brought the player around to warp space again on the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Weather Starstreaks North South" seems to be bugged with the streaks going both directions at regular impulse. Consider changing your map orientation to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space than the other.
-Consider moving the Enterprise intercept point closer. The current distance seems unnecessary for the story.
-The use of capitalization of game factions will be covered in the summary above.
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "they left Klingon space a recording was recieved at Qo'Nos" to read "they left Klingon space a recording was received by Qo'noS".
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing the response button "Transmit record of this battle to Qo'Nos" to read "Transmit record of this battle to Qo'noS"
-Vulcan use of contractions will be covered in the summary above.
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "We will beam you to Kirks quarters" to read "We will beam you to Kirk's quarters".
Enterprise crew deck: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider moving the spawn point further into the map. One of my bridge officers is stuck inside the bulkhead.
-The use of capitalization of game factions will be covered in the summary above.
-Vulcan use of contractions will be covered in the summary above.
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "We can't use the [ShipName]s transporter" to read "We cannot use the [ShipName]'s transporter".
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "Because the borg are using the Enterprises systems" to read "Because the Borg are using the Enterprise's systems".
-Consider changing "I didn't know the Enterprise had a saurian medical officer" to read "I didn't know the Enterprise had a Saurian medical officer".
Enterprise engineering deck: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Vulcan use of contractions will be covered in the summary above.
-The use of capitalization of game factions will be covered in the summary above.
-Consider changing the response button "Thats a relief, lets continue" to read "That's a relief, lets continue".
Enterprise port warp nacelle: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of capitalization of game factions will be covered in the summary above.
-The Ensign Lopez dialogue; consider changing the response button "we're hear to help" to read "we're here to help".
-The Ensign Lopez dialogue; consider changing "Thats what you call sticking a bunch of weird" to read "That's what you call sticking a bunch of weird".
-The Ensign Lopez dialogue; consider changing the response button "We're hear to help you fight them" to read "We're here to help you fight them".
-The Ensign Lopez dialogue regarding Captain Kirk; consider changing "Whats to say" to read "What's to say".
-Unless this was a deliberate misspelling of Kirk's middle name consider changing "Tooberius" to read "Tiberius".
Sol system: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of capitalization of game factions will be covered in the summary above.
-Vulcan use of contractions will be covered in the summary above.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing the mission and executing it. Welcome to the Foundry and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Thank you for the critique, I can tell I really need to work on better capitalization along with vulcan contractions (I actually didn't know vulcans didn't use contractions). I'm glad that seems to be the biggest issues as they are things I can easily work on. Being my first foundry mission I was concerned about my story and map designs. it's good to know the only things wrong on that side is needing a better "hook" (and your idea of discrepencies in the archive log fit my time travel excuse better then the archival idea) and moving a few things around (like the enterprise and the spawn point). FYI, the spelling of "tooberius" was an intentional mispronounciation by the character that said it. I should probably have the player response correct him or something so players know it's not a typo and Lopez just really doesn't know Kirk that well which was my intention. Thanks again for taking the time to play my mission and giving me honest feedback. I really appreciate it.
Do not be afraid to joust a giant just because some people insist on believing in windmills.
Check out my foundry mission "The Writers of History".
Mission Title: Perfection, Part 1.
Author: @Ashkrik23
Faction: Federation.
Level 41+
Requirements. This is a Borg mission so bring a remodulator.
Mission length varies depending on difficulty and amount of players.
Just completed this so if you run into any bugs please let me know. Also, the difficulty is intended to be a decent challenge even on solo play. Especially on elite. Though the intended difficulty is on elite with 5 players. You will want to use cover on the ground maps.
Thank you for the critique, I can tell I really need to work on better capitalization along with vulcan contractions (I actually didn't know vulcans didn't use contractions). I'm glad that seems to be the biggest issues as they are things I can easily work on.
I am glad I could help. To be clear regarding the Vulcan use of contractions, that seems to be a consensus opinion and not actually carved in stone. I believe it is an assumption based on the precise nature of the Vulcan mind and language.
Being my first foundry mission I was concerned about my story and map designs. it's good to know the only things wrong on that side is needing a better "hook" (and your idea of discrepencies in the archive log fit my time travel excuse better then the archival idea) and moving a few things around (like the enterprise and the spawn point).
Your development of the story and the map design are quite good. I would not have known it was your first mission unless you told me, so I think you did quite well. When reviewing a mission I look for spelling errors and map issues but my primary concern is does the story make sense. Do I feel a part of the story? When I author missions I like to make the player feel as if they are the smartest Captain in the room. I write the dialogue so the player is drawn in into it and want to see what happens next.
FYI, the spelling of "tooberius" was an intentional mispronounciation by the character that said it. I should probably have the player response correct him or something so players know it's not a typo and Lopez just really doesn't know Kirk that well which was my intention.
I figured you had done it deliberately but wanted to point it out just in case. I like you idea of having the player correct him. Then the player would realize it is designed to be a mispronunciation by the character.
Thanks again for taking the time to play my mission and giving me honest feedback. I really appreciate it.
You are welcome and I had a lot of fun playing the mission. I would definitely recommend the mission to other players. Keep up the great work and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
This is my first mission. I was hoping to gain some criticism see what works and doesn't work in foundry. Guides and videos only get you so far.
Hi mildago,
Welcome to the queue and the Foundry. I look forward to reviewing your first mission. You are currently 18th in the queue behind Logitech007. I will get to the mission review as soon as I can.
Mission Title: Perfection, Part 1.
Author: @Ashkrik23
Faction: Federation.
Level 41+
Requirements. This is a Borg mission so bring a remodulator.
Mission length varies depending on difficulty and amount of players.
Just completed this so if you run into any bugs please let me know. Also, the difficulty is intended to be a decent challenge even on solo play. Especially on elite. Though the intended difficulty is on elite with 5 players. You will want to use cover on the ground maps.
Hi Ashkrik23,
Welcome to the queue. Your mission is 19th in the queue behind mildago. I will get to your mission as soon as I can. I plan on taking some actual time off from work this coming week so I hope to get into the queue and bring the numbers down a bit.
Welcome to the queue. Your mission is 19th in the queue behind mildago. I will get to your mission as soon as I can. I plan on taking some actual time off from work this coming week so I hope to get into the queue and bring the numbers down a bit.
My first foundry mission. I published it awhile ago, but then I had to take off from STO for a long time. I'm looking to re-release it and get it popular.
My first foundry mission. I published it awhile ago, but then I had to take off from STO for a long time. I'm looking to re-release it and get it popular.
Hi AceMan97,
Welcome to the queue and to the Foundry as an author. Your mission is 19th in the queue behind ashkrik23. I have been working this week despite wanting to take time off but I am look forward to playing this weekend and into Monday. I hope to bring down the queue size a bit and will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Sure I could always use another opinion of my mission, thank you.
Name: GRIZZ's Farmer - The Siren Star
ID: ST-H0XZ5Z67B
Author: chitowngrizz420
Faction: Federation
Level: 46+
Duration: 15-25 min
Like many players I play EC farming missions for resources and with several characters. Doing a farmer several times a day on multiple toons made me realize that 99% of the farming missions are very plain and basic boring grind missions. I thought why can't there be a farmer that can entertain us while we farm! This inspired me to create a unique short story EC farmer. It uses the classic farm set up that has been worked into the story along with custom map backgrounds and visuals. So far in less than month it has received great responses from players tired of the same old daily grinding missions that can put players to sleep.
Federation Mission - GRIZZ's Farmer - The Siren Star
Author: chitowngrizz420
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-H0XZ5Z67B
Report Start
Summary: This mission is basically a farming mission that does provide good rewards and there are plenty of battles. The enemy ships you battle, despite being higher levels are not too difficult to beat thanks to the placement of the energy field that takes away their shields. I found it when I circle to close to the enemy and lost my shields a couple of times. There is a story to the mission and it does make it more interesting. If you like farming oriented missions with a good stuff and some mission story thrown into keep in interesting then you will enjoy this mission. I realize it is not easy to place the higher level ships and still make it work but you did it. You should use your developmental talent for more in depth missions with a real story. Your development of this mission shows the ability to write a good story and make it work.
I mentioned your use of the response button "Continue" on pretty much every dialogue. I believe the player should respond to most dialog being displayed. This is particularly true when it comes to a report from the BOFF?s. Even though this is pretty much a farming mission you strive to make the player more than just a reader of dialogue. You want to involve them so they can get into the story while they are farming.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a very detailed description but I do not see any real description of a mission except for farming. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description
Grant Mission Dialogue: The dialogue seems a bit confusing. The mission info comes before the dialogue and the dialogue indicates there is an urgent message from Admiral GRIZZ but no follow on dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a very detailed initial task with a clear location to start the mission. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: : This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "data chip acquired by captain Brott" to read "data chip acquired by Captain Brott". When only talking about a rank the use of lower case is acceptable, but when referring to a person in that rank the first letter of the rank should be capitalized.
MAPS: Sol System: This is a good map design with several fun space battles and lots of drops to farm. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue from Admiral GRIZZ; consider changing "It looks the intel and coordinates are correct" to read "It appears that our intel and coordinates are correct".
-The General Reevta dialogue; consider changing "This was unexpected surprise" to read "This is an unexpected surprise".
-Consider changing "free myself from the borg collective" to read "free myself from the Borg collective". In general when referring to a faction or race within STO you should capitalize the first letter.
-The use of the response button "Continue" is over used on this map. I will cover this in my summary above and noted it on the rest of the maps.
Andoria: This is a good map design with several fun space battles and lots of drops to farm. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Captain Sheva starts off the map acting as if she knows my character by calling e by my first name, yet at the end she uses dialogue that indicates she really does not know me. It seems inconsistent for her to refer to be in a more familiar way at the start with the follow on dialogue at the end of the fight. Consider changing one end or the other to provide consistency to the dialogue. Either she knows my character or she does not.
Deep Space Nine: This is a good map design with several fun space battles and lots of drops to farm. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The Captain Zeanto; consider changing "We are begining rescue operations" to read "We are beginning rescue operations".
-Consider changing "medical teams are being dispached" to read "medical teams are being dispatched".
Lambda Hydrae Nebula: This is a good map design with several fun space battles and lots of drops to farm. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The Admiral GRIZZ dialogue; consider changing "Use Antileptons" to read "Use antileptons".
-Consider changing "The Antileptons" are ready" to read "The antileptons" are ready".
Legion Base: This is a good map design with several fun space battles with one very tough one at the end and lots of drops to farm. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The Admiral GRIZZ dialogue; consider changing "We can not afford" to read "We cannot afford".
Earth Spacedock: This is a good map design and a nice wrap up to the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing the mission. I look forward to playing more of your work in the future.
Brian
On the off chance anyone is still interested in such things (not only the creator of this thread ), I have just published a new foundry mission for which I would greatly appreciate testing / review:
On the off chance anyone is still interested in such things (not only the creator of this thread ), I have just published a new foundry mission for which I would greatly appreciate testing / review:
Welcome to the queue. You are currently 20th in the queue behind ACEMAN97. I am planning on continuing the mission reviews tomorrow morning and will get to your mission as soon as I can.
evil70th, I am looking for reviews too; I'd love to hear what you think of my mission.
Thanks!
Name: Cero Troubles
ID: ST-HQJQM996X
Author: CougarXLS
Faction: Starfleet
Level: 16+
Duration: 40+ mins (about 30 mins if you skip the dialogue)
On a world where peoples of many different species peacefully co-exist, tragedy has struck. A plague is threatening almost all life on the planet. While some believe that this plague is naturally occurring, there have been reports that the virus was artificially generated.
This world has rejected advanced technology on the surface, in favour of a simple way of life. They do not have the medical abilities and technologies to combat this plague.
An investigation into this plague will leading to a shocking discovery that threatens the whole sector, and may have serious consequences for Starfleet.
Summary: This mission is okay but has the potential to be a great mission. Some of the notes on the maps below indicate there are inconsistencies in the plot and dialogue. It can be hard as an author to view your story with a critical eye but you cannot always have someone review your work for you. I write out my mission as an actual script using MS Word. This gives me the advantage of spelling and grammar checking as well as the ability to read the story to see if it makes sense. Go through your mission carefully and read the dialogue and response buttons carefully. Do not read anything into them that is not actually there.
As indicated below I noted the use of the response button "Continue" quite a bit. This is an issue particularly because of the need for more story development and consistency in the mission. The response button "Continue" is the default that the button will populate with if the author does not change it. You did use the response button as a player reaction to dialogue in several places but there were still inconsistencies in the use of it. For example it seems odd to me that a bridge officer, away team member of NPC contact make a statement or give the player a report or information and the player's response is "Continue". Do not get me wrong, there are places where "Continue" may work, but I would recommend the use of "..." vice "Continue".
This mission has a lot of potential to be developed into a great story. Keep at it, and do not be discouraged by this review. My only desire with this report is to help you develop this mission and your desire to create great missions into reality.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good and detailed description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is the same as the body of the description. Consider changing it to be more oriented to the mission story and not just a repeat of the description. You want to write it to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Accept' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this grant dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task but consider adding the sector block to make it easier for the player to find the start location. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Cero III: This is a good map design with a fun battle. The dialogue needs a little more development. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue" feels awkward when reports are being made or dialogue is directed at the player. I will note the use on the other maps and cover it in my summary above.
-The "Hailing Frequencies" dialogue; consider changing "I have a Mister Ookat standing by" to read "I have a Minister Ookat standing by".
-An issue with the story dialogue. In the dialogue responding to the question "What can we do to help" the Prime Minister regarding the Romulan Scientist states "Since he is not infected". The question is, how would the Prime Minister know that? In earlier dialogue the Prime Minister stated "We do not have sophisticated equipment". Consider reworking the dialogue to correct that issue.
Labs Deck: This is a nice map design with tough battles. The story dialogue needs some work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Considering adding a little more detail such as walls with doors between the open spaces. You want to make it feel more like a ship interior.
-The Dr. Mewer NPC should not be moving at all. With the longer dialogue sequence when he moves away the dialogue closes and the player has to catch up with him and start over. Consider changing the NPC to remain in one location.
-The "A Cure Must Be Found" dialogue; consider changing the order of the response buttons. For example it would make more sense for the "How should I address you" response should be the first button.
-The activation of the "Secondary Lab" by the Captain of the ship seems to be a task that the player would delegate to a science crew. The task currently requires the player to go back and forth across the map. Consider changing the "Bring the Secondary Lab Systems Online" to having the player go to another NPC crew and give that order.
-The "Evaluate Data Samples" task dialogue does not seem to flow logically. Specifically, there is no warning dialogue to let the player know what has happened. The next thing the player knows when they talk to Dr. Mewer they are asking about the bio alert.
-The "Engage Quantum Field" task; consider moving the console to the same room where the player confronts Dr. Mewer regarding the bio alert. Having a player run back and forth across a map can become tedious.
-An issue with the story dialogue and the plot. The "Speak to Dr. Mewer & Dr. V'Sash" task dialogue; consider moving the second response button "Why would the Romulans wish to poison a planet" dialogue to be a part of the "Can we tell where it came from" response button dialogue. With the current button configuration I do not need to click the first button because your second button already answers the first.
-Consider combining the "Truth Part I" and "Truth Part II" dialogues to all part of one task with the "Speak to Dr. Mewer & Dr. V'Sash" dialogue discussed in the previous line. It would flow better and the player would not need to run back and forth to talk to Dr. V'Sash and Dr. Mewer.
-The "Romulans" dialogue; consider changing "We're taken by surprise, Romulans boarding the ship" to read "[Rank], Romulan ships just decloaked off the port bow. They are deploying boarding parties".
Cero III: This is a good map design with tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue". I will note the use on the other maps and cover it in my summary above.
Cero Surface: This is a nice map design with tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the dialogue regarding the bio generators to refer to setting them up vice having them already beamed down and waiting to be activated. You would then use an invisible object to show the location on the map for the player to go to set up the generators. This would work much better and be less confusing than using the nav beacons. There is a 5x5x5 invisible object that would work perfectly. Then you set up a button to have the player place the generator and make the objects you currently have as the generators appear. If the generator was already in place, why would the Romulan troops not simply destroy them to prevent them from being activated?
-The use of the response button "Continue". I will note the use on the other maps and cover it in my summary above.
Cero III: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue and a nice wrap up to the mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Success" dialogue; consider changing "Thank-you [Rank]" to read "Thank you [Rank]".
-Consider changing the response button "Happy to Help" to read "Happy to help".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Federation Mission - GRIZZ's Farmer - The Siren Star
Author: chitowngrizz420
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-H0XZ5Z67B
Report Start
Summary: This mission is basically a farming mission that does provide good rewards and there are plenty of battles. The enemy ships you battle, despite being higher levels are not too difficult to beat thanks to the placement of the energy field that takes away their shields. I found it when I circle to close to the enemy and lost my shields a couple of times. There is a story to the mission and it does make it more interesting. If you like farming oriented missions with a good stuff and some mission story thrown into keep in interesting then you will enjoy this mission. I realize it is not easy to place the higher level ships and still make it work but you did it. You should use your developmental talent for more in depth missions with a real story. Your development of this mission shows the ability to write a good story and make it work.
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing the mission. I look forward to playing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Thanks Evil70th for your help! This was my first foundry mission and I'm glad you enjoyed it and think I would be good at making more foundry content. I have been asked to make a KDF version and I do plan on making a full length version of this story, I just haven't got to it yet . Theres a chance with the help that I might be able to hopefully get A farming mission in the spotlight.
As for the mission description I used all 1000 characters and didn't have room for everything I wanted to say, so I'll think more about what to do with that.
I changed a few dialogs with your suggestions and I didn't even notice the overuse of the "continue" so with a few minor dialog changes I fixed all those.
I made the changes and republished if you would like to check out my changes and thanks again for your help!
Thanks Evil70th for your help! This was my first foundry mission and I'm glad you enjoyed it and think I would be good at making more foundry content. I have been asked to make a KDF version and I do plan on making a full length version of this story, I just haven't got to it yet . Theres a chance with the help that I might be able to hopefully get A farming mission in the spotlight.
As for the mission description I used all 1000 characters and didn't have room for everything I wanted to say, so I'll think more about what to do with that.
I changed a few dialogs with your suggestions and I didn't even notice the overuse of the "continue" so with a few minor dialog changes I fixed all those.
I made the changes and republished if you would like to check out my changes and thanks again for your help!
As always I am glad I could help. I look forward to a full version of the story when you have time to develop it. Good luck and thanks for authoring.
Thought I would put in my mission here for you to review.
Name: All Roads Lead To Rome
ID: ST-HRPGRETGV
Author: horriblecat
Faction: Starfleet
Level: 31+
Duration: Roughly about 20 to 25 minutes
This is my first attempt at the foundry so I am hoping I did well. I added a lot of personal feel to he storyline with main and side characters I created that represent crew on "your" ship. The story is one that I actually have a great conclusion for. This one is interesting to say the least and it was difficult to put what was in my head into the limited foundry resources. Let me know what you think of it.
I still may do a revision of it later on after finals are done with and I have more free time to develop a more concrete story.
Federation Mission - All Roads Lead To Rome
Author: horriblecat
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HRPGRETGV
Report Start
Summary: For your first attempt at the Foundry I would have to say you nailed it. This is a great mission with several tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I was drawn into the story and despite the issues I noted below riveted to the screen to see what would happen next. The mission starts off a little slow but soon you are drawn into an investigation that leads to combat. I would highly recommend this mission to all players who like a great story combined with tough combat.
By the way, it is a whole lot longer than 20 to 25 minutes. When estimating the length of a mission you need to remember that you know what is going to happen next and where everything is. The player does not have that advantage. The best method to estimate mission length is to simply go through and read all the dialogue while moving across the maps as if you are playing it for the first time. This will also let you review the dialogue and map contents to ensure you did not miss anything.
Almost all the maps transfer dialogue stated "Go to Next Map" and some the response button said the same thing. This is the default setting of the map transfer dialogue and response button. While the story and action drew me in these points in the story served to distract from it. You need to fix these issues by incorporating them into the story dialogue as I suggested on some of the maps below. It really can be as simple as using the last dialogue from the previous conversation as the map transfer dialogue.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description with intriguing details. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is well written and serves to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Accept' button. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "We need to get to the Bhea 4 to finish" to read "We need to get to Bhea 4 to finish".
-Consider removing the follow on dialogue as it does not appear to serve any purpose in the mission. It feels like it was going somewhere and then it just stops.
Mission Task: The initial task is okay but is a little vague. Not all players have a map listing all the star systems. Consider adding the sector block to help the player find the start location for the first custom map.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Bhea 4: This is a good map design with very detailed and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Anomaly" dialogue; consider changing "to the sensor subsystems to compensate against the feedback" to read "to the sensor subsystems to compensate for the feedback"
-Consider changing the response button "Lieutenant Cross divert power to compensate for the disturbence" to read "Lieutenant Cross, divert power to compensate for the disturbance".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider replacing the "Go to Next Map" with the last dialogue from the "Message from Starfleet" dialogue. The "Go to Next Map" dialogue is the default for no entry in the field. It distracts from the story.
Bridge: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The map transfer dialogue; consider replacing the "Go to Next Map" with the last dialogue from the "Amanda Crow" dialogue. It distracts from the story. From this point I will note the maps this occurs on and cover it my summary.
Edge of the Vantis Expanse: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Phalanx Bridge: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There is a plant at the beam in point. Is that part of the map or something you added?
-The "Welcome aboard" dialogue; consider changing "I imaging you have hundreds of questions" to read "I imagine you have hundreds of questions".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Cor Naj Nibri begins to star at you intently[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Cor Naj Nibri begins to stare at you intently[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "interrupting but [Rank][LastName] here would" to read "interrupting but [Rank] [LastName] here would".
-Consider changing "the only person in starfleet I trust" to read "the only person in Starfleet I trust".
-Consider changing the response button "If I remember correctly in the Acadamy you were the one with the bad hair" to read "If I remember correctly in the Academy you were the one with the bad hair".
Engineering: This is a good map design with very well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are at least two plants on the map that look out of place. Both are in the middle of the engineering consoles.
-Consider renaming "Ensign Read" to "Ensign Reed". The other spelling is incorrect for a proper name. This would require you to locate the spelling on each map and correct it.
-The "Scan the conduit" task; consider changing the animation from a "Beam in" to a "Tricorder scan".
U.S.S. Phalanx: This is a great map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Further examination" dialogue; during the previous dialogue with Admiral Isalandris she referred to the Nurse Ilys as "your nurse" and during the dialogue the nurse says "Four of your crew". This reference by the nurse is a plot issue. If she is a nurse from the player's ship then she should refer to them as "Four members of our crew".
-Consider changing "and not at the [ShipName]" to read "and not on the [ShipName]".
-The map transfer dialogue and response button both say "Go to Next Map".
Alien Ship: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "Sir its the crew of the Phalanx" to read "Sir, it's the crew of the Phalanx".
-Consider moving the initial enemy mob further away to give the player time to read the initial dialogue.
-The "Humane thing to do" dialogue; consider changing "The others are similar if not more sever" to read "The others are similar if not more severe".
-The map transfer dialogue and response button both say "Go to Next Map".
Vantis Space: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider moving the initial enemy mob further away to give the player time to read the initial dialogue.
Bridge of the Idaho: This is a good map with excellent story dialogue and a good wrap up to this mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Explanations" dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]Isalrandis stares over into your direction[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Isalrandis stares in your direction[/OOC]"
-Consider changing "Lieutenant Amanda Crow mam" to read "Lieutenant Amanda Crow ma'am".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing the next installment of this mission and more of your work in the future.
Brian
Admiral in Peril v1 @antman9173
Fed 41+
run time: (1 captain) between 15~25 minutes (team) longer (haven't tested)
The mission actually starts out at ESD console outside transporter despite the mission text as I'm still testing and fine tuning, but i wanted a good critic before i tweak anymore as the mission is pretty much done. Your reviews are very well structured and I enjoy the refreshing positive and constructive critiquing.
Summary: This is a great combat and fleet oriented mission. The map designs are good, the battles tough but fun, and the story dialogue kept the mission moving forward. I mention fleet oriented because you clearly indicated that in the description. There is nothing wrong with fleet oriented missions and your disclosure of that would mitigate most responses from other players who do not like those types of specific references. Despite the fleet oriented nature of the mission it is still a fun mission and I would definitely recommend this mission to all players.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The dialogue is well written but needs a little more story to help draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Accept' button.
Mission Task: You need to provide a start location with the sector block to help the player find where the first custom map starts. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "at the fleet stating ground" to read "at the fleet staging ground".
-The entry prompt button; consider changing "Rendevous with the fleet" to read "Rendezvous with the fleet".
MAPS: Burgus System: This is a good map with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "for your briefing from Admiral p'Rett" to read "for your briefing from Admiral P'rett" as indicated on the "Alini 7" and "Ticonderoga" maps.
-Consider changing "The lapetus has already" to read "The Lapetus has already". I noted this spelling throughout this map and the next. I realize that this is most likely the way one of your fleet members has spelled their ship name but all ship names should be capitalized. I recommend you change this throughout the mission.
-Consider changing "and attempt to begin rescue operations, barring any Borg resistence" to read "and attempt rescue operations, barring any Borg resistance".
Alini 4: This is a great map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-As noted previously regarding the capitalization of "lapetus" as a ship name.
-Consider changing "I'm Garron Vek, captain of the lapetus" to read "I'm Garron Vek, Captain of the Lapetus". When referring to the rank alone it does not need to be capitalized but when referring to a specific person of that rank it should be capitalized.
-Consider changing "Proceed to the rendevous point" to read "Proceed to the rendezvous point".
-Consider changing "[MissionInfo]Go to the renevous point and continue to visually scan the nebula[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Go to the rendezvous point and continue to visually scan the nebula[/MissionInfo]"
-The map transfer dialogue and response button both say "Go to Next Map". Consider replacing it with "Course laid in" for the dialogue and "Engage" for the response button. The "Go to Next Map" dialogue is the default for no entry in the field. It distracts from the story.
Alini 7: This is a good map design with some fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Ticonderoga: This is a great map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. The ending of the mission seemed a little rushed. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-During the "Reach Admiral P?rett" task there are three Borg in the corridor. Consider changing them to enemy units that the player can engage. It seems odd to just leave three random Borg standing there.
-Consider changing "We got cut of from" to read "We got cut off from".
-The post "Defend your Position" dialogue; consider changing "A Cube cam in" to read "A cube came in".
End Report
I noted that the mission does not actually start on ESD as you indicated in your original review request. Of course it did take me a little while to get to your mission so you obviously had time to finish it and move the entry point. Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Mission Name: Task Force Sol
Author: usmcprim
Minimum Level: 41+
Allegiance: FED
Estimated Mission Length: 45 min - 1 1/2 hrs
Federation Mission - Task Force Sol
Author: usmcprim
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HKNZJAXY8
Report Start
Summary: This is definitely a heavy combat oriented mission with a little story dialogue to move the mission forward. Based on the little dialogue there is I am guessing this is a fleet oriented mission. The map designs are good and the battles are pretty tough on most of the maps. They are even tougher on a couple of the maps. I would recommend this mission to all players who love a combat oriented mission but I would not recommend it on Elite. It was difficult enough on Normal level.
I mention below on the description and grant dialogue that you need to add more of the story to help draw the player in. My perspective on this is that you need some story to drive the mission forward otherwise you are running from map to map and just fighting. Do not get me wrong, I like combat oriented missions too but I prefer a mission that has some story with it. It makes it more interesting if the is more of a purpose to the mission and the elements of it. It also helps the author keep the story flowing and not miss follow up elements of the story. A good example of this is how much the MACCO commandos are mentioned and have to be inserted on to ESD by the player. After that they are never seen or heard from again. Was their mission a success? The map transfer dialogue at the end of the "ESD Command Center" map is not really clear since it runs together the clearing of the station and the reactivation of the defenses. All of which were done by the player alone. The point is you need a little more story in the mission and you need to make sure you do not lose track of portions of the plot.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a simple description. Consider adding more of the story to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant and follow on dialogue are very simple. Consider adding more story to draw the player in and make them want to 'Accept' the mission. The follow on dialogue after the player clicks the 'Accept' button needs more story. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[MissionInfo]Proceed to planet Vulcan to rendeavous with Task Force Sol[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Proceed to planet Vulcan to rendezvous with Task Force Sol[/MissionInfo]"
Mission Task: The initial mission task needs the start location of the first custom map to ensure the player can locate where to start the mission. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Vulcan: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Return to USS Melbourne" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], Excellent work" to read "[Rank], excellent work".
-Consider changing "I will be transporting Commandos to your ship" to read "I will be transporting commandos to your ship". In the same way I recommend the use of capitalization of rank when referring to a specific person when referring to a group of people it should be lower case. The exception to this would be if you were naming a specific commando.
-Consider changing the response button "We are ready to recieve the Commandos" to read "We are ready to receive the commandos".
Mars: This is a good map design with some tough battles. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], We have completed our scan" to read "[Rank], we have completed our scan".
Infilration: This is a good map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name from "Infilration" to read "Infiltration".
ESD Interior: This is a good map design with several tough battles. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "I'm recieving a signal from deck 35" to read "I'm receiving a signal from deck 35".
Rescue: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider having Doctor Saver disappear when the crew is beamed out. It looks odd with her still kneeling and checking the crew that is no longer there. You can do this by adding an invisible object as the trigger rather than the NPC.
-The "Commander Detan" dialogue; consider changing the response button "Get ahold of yourself" to read "Get a hold of yourself".
-Consider changing "able to save Earth Spacedock iinstead of destroying it" to read "able to save Earth Spacedock instead of destroying it".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "[MissionInfo]Proceed to shuttlebay[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Proceed to shuttle bay[/MissionInfo]".
Shuttle Bay: This is a good map design with several very tough battles. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "[MissionInfo]Use the Borg Transport Device to acces the Command Center[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Use the Borg Transport Device to access the Command Center[/MissionInfo]"
ESD Command Center: This is a good map design with several very tough battles. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
ESD Space: This is a good map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You obviously set out to create a heavy combat oriented mission and I would say you definitely succeeded. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Hi Brian, I see my mission is next on your list and I really look forward to your feedback. I just did a fresh publish of the mission with a spell check edit so it may not hurt to wait a day or two for the publish to finish. My official forum thread for the mission is here: http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/showthread.php?t=652821. I hope you enjoy. Thank you.
A TIME TO SEARCH: ENTER MY FOUNDRY MISSION at the RISA SYSTEM Parallels: my second mission for Fed aligned Romulans.
Hi Brian, I see my mission is next on your list and I really look forward to your feedback. I just did a fresh publish of the mission with a spell check edit so it may not hurt to wait a day or two for the publish to finish. My official forum thread for the mission is here: http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/showthread.php?t=652821. I hope you enjoy. Thank you.
No worries. I will try to get to it later this week.
No worries. I will try to get to it later this week.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
People are telling me there are floating objects in their reviews and I only know of one crate that is off the floor a bit so if you notice that kind of thing let me know (The central tower in my city map lacks a base because I hit the item limit and you aren't supposed to go down there anyway.)
A TIME TO SEARCH: ENTER MY FOUNDRY MISSION at the RISA SYSTEM Parallels: my second mission for Fed aligned Romulans.
Comments
Welcome back to the queue. Your missions are currently 19 and 20 in the queue behind shillelagh73. I will get to these missions as soon as I can.
Thanks
Brian
I do love playing the game but work is just keeping me so busy I just have not been able to play. I am starting to get back into the queue as I can.
Thanks to you and everyone for understanding.
Brian
Hi maninblack017,
Welcome to the queue. You are 22nd in the queue behind Logitech007. I will try to get to your mission as soon as possible.
Thanks
Brian
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - Overture 6: Finale with Cannonade
Author: KineticImpulser
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HECU5DAJR
Report Start
Summary: This is a great story mission and excellent wrap up to the mission series. The map designs are outstanding. The battles are balanced and fun to engage. The story dialogue is in-depth, riveting, and excellently written. It hardly felt like 2 plus hours of playing time to complete the mission. I would highly recommend this mission and the entire series to all players who like a great story oriented mission with just enough fighting to keep it interesting.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant and follow on dialogue are well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt
MAPS:
Your Ship - Hanger Deck: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Unikuia Prime - Vanguard: This is a great map design with well balanced battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Boarding the U.S.S. Serapis - Engineering Deck: This is a good map design with a fun battle and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Lock the Holo-matrix console in engineering appears to be sitting slightly off the deck. Consider moving it down on the Y axis.
Boarding the U.S.S. Serapis - Crew Deck: This is a good map design with a fun battle and great story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Lock the Holo-matrix console in cabin appears to be sitting well above the deck. Consider moving it down on the Y axis.
Boarding the U.S.S. Serapis - Bridge: This is a nice map design with a good battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Lock the Holo-matrix console in cabin appears to be sitting slightly above the deck. Consider moving it down on the Y axis.
Unikuia Prime - Le Fin Grande: This is a great map design with a spectacular battle and outstanding story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
U.S.S. Serapis - Debriefing: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
U.S.S. Serapis - Epilogue: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with this mission and the entire series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 08/11/2013 on forum posting for: Star Trek: Overture
Federation Mission - No Prize for Second Contact II
Author: Contactpsi
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HL6S9MR6F
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission with good map design, tough, but fun battles, and riveting story dialogue. The mission is a good combination of story and combat to keep both types of players interested throughout the mission. I would highly recommend this to all players although not on Elite level.
Below are a few things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant and follow on dialogue are very well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good mission task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Chapter I, Argelius System: This is a good map design with a very tough battle and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Captain Proffitt dialogue, consider changing "the main comp<Hard Return>uter" to read "the main computer".
Chapter II, The Satellite: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Chapter II, Argelius System: This is a good map with excellent story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-You have this map and the previous map named "Chapter II". This throws off the follow on Chapter numbers. Consider renaming the maps.
Chapter III, The Bridge: This is a good map with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Chapter IV, Security Office: This is a good map design with a couple of good battles and excellent dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Dartek dialogue, consider changing "I also request an asylum and immunity to persecution" to read "I also request asylum and immunity from prosecution".
Chapter V, Heservat III: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I was not sure if you intended to use the word "sender" both times you used it. Did you mean "notify" vice "sender" or was that intentional as a language difference?
-Consider breaking up the dialogue following the Administrator Tedrik dialogue to have the player move away before continuing the dialogue with Captain Proffitt and the player's ship.
Chapter VI, Hidden Base: This is a good map design with several very tough battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding a respawn point deeper in the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job on this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 08/17/2013 on forum posting for: [URL=" http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/showthread.php?t=577541"]No Prize for Second Contact, Act II[/URL]
Name: The Fvain Group part 3.
ID: ST-HIOTD6JKC
Author name: Logitech007
Language: English
Side: Federation
Level: 31+
Starting location: Wall console just outside of the transporter room on ESD
Story: In this conclusion of the story, Starfleet and the Klingon Empire has made strides to end this threat to both of them and to the entire quadrant. The true person(s) behind all of this is reveled. Are the players just pawns in the great game? Will the Federation and the Klingon Empire be able to cut the head off of this threat or will they fail? We are now finally able to know how and why each member joined the Fvain group.
Thank you for reviewing parts 1 2 and three. Thanks. I look forward to your reviews.
Thanks
Logitech007
Hey Logitech007,
Thanks for the request. I have added your mission to the queue along with your first two missions in the series. The part 3 of your mission is currently 20th in the queue behind maninblack017. I will review your missions as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - The Writers of History
Author: Donkyhotay
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HHSLC2PJA
Report Start
Summary: This is a good story oriented mission with a couple of battles to keep the story moving forward. For your first mission I would say you did a good job overall. The story dialogue is very well written but needs a little rework here and there to help the story flow and correct typos. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players who like a good story oriented mission combined with minimal combat to immerse the player in the mission.
There are a few things you can do to make the mission flow better and make the player feel as if they are part of the story and not just reading it. The mission grant dialogue implies that a starship needs to physically go to Memory Alpha in order to archive its logs. I find this premise to be flawed in an age of warp drive and communications across light years of space in a short amount of time. In addition Starfleet ships and bases would be interconnected to preclude the need for a stop off at a specific location to do an archiving of the ships logs. Consider changing the premise of the visit to Memory Alpha to a call for assistance in rectifying discrepancies found in archived log files, rather than a call to archive the files the player's ship has been carrying around since they took over. You would then make the start location to enter the "Memory Alpha debriefing room" when the player arrives at the entry to Memory Alpha. You could then remove the requirement for the player to reach a console on Memory Alpha to download the files. You could also rewrite the dialogue concerning the archiving of the log files.
On almost every map below I mention capitalization of organizations, races, and factions as an issue. Specifically I noted the use of Federation, Borg, Klingon, and Vulcan for factions within the game. Similarly I noted the use of capitalization of organizations within the game such as Starfleet and Section 31 mentioned in this review. I use the standard of capitalization that is outline on the STO Wiki indicating the use of capitalization for organizations, game factions, and individual races within a mission.
I mention the use of contractions by Vulcan's on several of the maps below. This issue is entirely up to you as the author on how you handle it. As a general rule I would say the use of a contraction in a response button is not a concern since there is no way for the author to tailor the dialogue for a player's race. I have received those types of comments before saying something like "my character would not make jokes" or something equally dumb. However when using an NPC designed within the mission by the author you can control the language they use and at this point you have to decide how to create it. It is up to the author to decide and live with the decision. You will find players that feel a Vulcan would never use a contraction and therefore will mark down your mission for that reason.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is okay but needs a little more story behind it. This is where you draw the player in and make them want to click the "Hail" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is okay but needs a little more work. The premise that a starship needs to be physically present to archive its files seems a little odd with the communications capabilities of the age. Consider changing it to being called to Memory Alpha to explain some of the player's recent submissions or something along those lines. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is good initial task with a clear location for the start of the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Memory Alpha debriefing room: This is a nice simple map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing the response button "Paklet error" to read "Pakled error".
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "throughout starfleet history" to read "throughout Starfleet history".
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing the response button "I guess I don't know starfleet history as well as I should" to read "I guess I don't know Starfleet history as well as I should" In addition it might be a better to not insult the player. This is the second example of lack of capitalization of organizations with the game. From this point I will note the map that it occurs on and cover in the summary above.
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "incident a borg temporal node" to read "incident a Borg temporal node".
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "being reassigned to the borg or klingon fronts" to read "being reassigned to the Borg or Klingon fronts" This the second example of lack of capitalization of factions within the game. From this point I will note the map that it occurs on and cover in the summary above.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Course set for the babel system" to read "Course set for the Babel system"
Babel system: This is a great map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post "Time shift" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] We're through the portal" to read "[Rank] we're through the portal"
-Consider changing "I am detecting a large number of federation ships" to read "I am detecting a large number of Federation ships". From this point I will note the map that it occurs on and cover in the summary above.
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "We're invisible to them" to read "We are invisible to them". This would be an optional change as Vulcan's are unlikely to use contractions.
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "They're heading straight to Earth" to read "They are heading straight to Earth". Again this would be an optional change as Vulcan's are unlikely to use contractions. I will also cover this in my summary above.
Deep space: This is a great map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I did like how you brought the player around to warp space again on the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Weather Starstreaks North South" seems to be bugged with the streaks going both directions at regular impulse. Consider changing your map orientation to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space than the other.
-Consider moving the Enterprise intercept point closer. The current distance seems unnecessary for the story.
-The use of capitalization of game factions will be covered in the summary above.
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "they left Klingon space a recording was recieved at Qo'Nos" to read "they left Klingon space a recording was received by Qo'noS".
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing the response button "Transmit record of this battle to Qo'Nos" to read "Transmit record of this battle to Qo'noS"
-Vulcan use of contractions will be covered in the summary above.
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "We will beam you to Kirks quarters" to read "We will beam you to Kirk's quarters".
Enterprise crew deck: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider moving the spawn point further into the map. One of my bridge officers is stuck inside the bulkhead.
-The use of capitalization of game factions will be covered in the summary above.
-Vulcan use of contractions will be covered in the summary above.
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "We can't use the [ShipName]s transporter" to read "We cannot use the [ShipName]'s transporter".
-The Captain Riolozhikaik dialogue; consider changing "Because the borg are using the Enterprises systems" to read "Because the Borg are using the Enterprise's systems".
-Consider changing "I didn't know the Enterprise had a saurian medical officer" to read "I didn't know the Enterprise had a Saurian medical officer".
Enterprise engineering deck: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Vulcan use of contractions will be covered in the summary above.
-The use of capitalization of game factions will be covered in the summary above.
-Consider changing the response button "Thats a relief, lets continue" to read "That's a relief, lets continue".
Enterprise port warp nacelle: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of capitalization of game factions will be covered in the summary above.
-The Ensign Lopez dialogue; consider changing the response button "we're hear to help" to read "we're here to help".
-The Ensign Lopez dialogue; consider changing "Thats what you call sticking a bunch of weird" to read "That's what you call sticking a bunch of weird".
-The Ensign Lopez dialogue; consider changing the response button "We're hear to help you fight them" to read "We're here to help you fight them".
-The Ensign Lopez dialogue regarding Captain Kirk; consider changing "Whats to say" to read "What's to say".
-Unless this was a deliberate misspelling of Kirk's middle name consider changing "Tooberius" to read "Tiberius".
Sol system: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of capitalization of game factions will be covered in the summary above.
-Vulcan use of contractions will be covered in the summary above.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing the mission and executing it. Welcome to the Foundry and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 08/18/2013 on forum posting for: [URL=" http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/showthread.php?t=593181"]"The writers of history" - federation - any level[/URL]
Check out my foundry mission "The Writers of History".
Author: mildago
Minimum Level: Any
Allegiance: Federation (not Romulan friendly)
Project ID: ST-HOTY8VSFQ
Estimated Mission Length: 45 Minutes
This is my first mission. I was hoping to gain some criticism see what works and doesn't work in foundry. Guides and videos only get you so far.
Author: @Ashkrik23
Faction: Federation.
Level 41+
Requirements. This is a Borg mission so bring a remodulator.
Mission length varies depending on difficulty and amount of players.
Just completed this so if you run into any bugs please let me know. Also, the difficulty is intended to be a decent challenge even on solo play. Especially on elite. Though the intended difficulty is on elite with 5 players. You will want to use cover on the ground maps.
I am glad I could help. To be clear regarding the Vulcan use of contractions, that seems to be a consensus opinion and not actually carved in stone. I believe it is an assumption based on the precise nature of the Vulcan mind and language.
Your development of the story and the map design are quite good. I would not have known it was your first mission unless you told me, so I think you did quite well. When reviewing a mission I look for spelling errors and map issues but my primary concern is does the story make sense. Do I feel a part of the story? When I author missions I like to make the player feel as if they are the smartest Captain in the room. I write the dialogue so the player is drawn in into it and want to see what happens next.
I figured you had done it deliberately but wanted to point it out just in case. I like you idea of having the player correct him. Then the player would realize it is designed to be a mispronunciation by the character.
You are welcome and I had a lot of fun playing the mission. I would definitely recommend the mission to other players. Keep up the great work and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi mildago,
Welcome to the queue and the Foundry.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi Ashkrik23,
Welcome to the queue. Your mission is 19th in the queue behind mildago. I will get to your mission as soon as I can. I plan on taking some actual time off from work this coming week so I hope to get into the queue and bring the numbers down a bit.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Okay, thanks.
Author: @ACEMAN97
Minimum Level: 41+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HLNC2NGEW
Estimated Mission Length: 30-40 minutes
My first foundry mission. I published it awhile ago, but then I had to take off from STO for a long time. I'm looking to re-release it and get it popular.
Hi AceMan97,
Welcome to the queue and to the Foundry as an author. Your mission is 19th in the queue behind ashkrik23. I have been working this week despite wanting to take time off but I am look forward to playing this weekend and into Monday. I hope to bring down the queue size a bit and will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - GRIZZ's Farmer - The Siren Star
Author: chitowngrizz420
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-H0XZ5Z67B
Report Start
Summary: This mission is basically a farming mission that does provide good rewards and there are plenty of battles. The enemy ships you battle, despite being higher levels are not too difficult to beat thanks to the placement of the energy field that takes away their shields. I found it when I circle to close to the enemy and lost my shields a couple of times. There is a story to the mission and it does make it more interesting. If you like farming oriented missions with a good stuff and some mission story thrown into keep in interesting then you will enjoy this mission. I realize it is not easy to place the higher level ships and still make it work but you did it. You should use your developmental talent for more in depth missions with a real story. Your development of this mission shows the ability to write a good story and make it work.
I mentioned your use of the response button "Continue" on pretty much every dialogue. I believe the player should respond to most dialog being displayed. This is particularly true when it comes to a report from the BOFF?s. Even though this is pretty much a farming mission you strive to make the player more than just a reader of dialogue. You want to involve them so they can get into the story while they are farming.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a very detailed description but I do not see any real description of a mission except for farming. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description
Grant Mission Dialogue: The dialogue seems a bit confusing. The mission info comes before the dialogue and the dialogue indicates there is an urgent message from Admiral GRIZZ but no follow on dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a very detailed initial task with a clear location to start the mission. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: : This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "data chip acquired by captain Brott" to read "data chip acquired by Captain Brott". When only talking about a rank the use of lower case is acceptable, but when referring to a person in that rank the first letter of the rank should be capitalized.
MAPS:
Sol System: This is a good map design with several fun space battles and lots of drops to farm. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue from Admiral GRIZZ; consider changing "It looks the intel and coordinates are correct" to read "It appears that our intel and coordinates are correct".
-The General Reevta dialogue; consider changing "This was unexpected surprise" to read "This is an unexpected surprise".
-Consider changing "free myself from the borg collective" to read "free myself from the Borg collective". In general when referring to a faction or race within STO you should capitalize the first letter.
-The use of the response button "Continue" is over used on this map. I will cover this in my summary above and noted it on the rest of the maps.
Andoria: This is a good map design with several fun space battles and lots of drops to farm. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Captain Sheva starts off the map acting as if she knows my character by calling e by my first name, yet at the end she uses dialogue that indicates she really does not know me. It seems inconsistent for her to refer to be in a more familiar way at the start with the follow on dialogue at the end of the fight. Consider changing one end or the other to provide consistency to the dialogue. Either she knows my character or she does not.
Deep Space Nine: This is a good map design with several fun space battles and lots of drops to farm. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The Captain Zeanto; consider changing "We are begining rescue operations" to read "We are beginning rescue operations".
-Consider changing "medical teams are being dispached" to read "medical teams are being dispatched".
Lambda Hydrae Nebula: This is a good map design with several fun space battles and lots of drops to farm. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The Admiral GRIZZ dialogue; consider changing "Use Antileptons" to read "Use antileptons".
-Consider changing "The Antileptons" are ready" to read "The antileptons" are ready".
Legion Base: This is a good map design with several fun space battles with one very tough one at the end and lots of drops to farm. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The Admiral GRIZZ dialogue; consider changing "We can not afford" to read "We cannot afford".
Earth Spacedock: This is a good map design and a nice wrap up to the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing the mission. I look forward to playing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Mission Name: Dark Reflections
Author: @Crystyll
Minimum Level: 31+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HSS6E3Y72
Estimated Mission Length: approx. 30mins
thank you for your time
Hi Crystyll,
Welcome to the queue. You are currently 20th in the queue behind ACEMAN97. I am planning on continuing the mission reviews tomorrow morning and will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - Cero Troubles
Author: CougarXLS
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HQJQM996X
Report Start
Summary: This mission is okay but has the potential to be a great mission. Some of the notes on the maps below indicate there are inconsistencies in the plot and dialogue. It can be hard as an author to view your story with a critical eye but you cannot always have someone review your work for you. I write out my mission as an actual script using MS Word. This gives me the advantage of spelling and grammar checking as well as the ability to read the story to see if it makes sense. Go through your mission carefully and read the dialogue and response buttons carefully. Do not read anything into them that is not actually there.
As indicated below I noted the use of the response button "Continue" quite a bit. This is an issue particularly because of the need for more story development and consistency in the mission. The response button "Continue" is the default that the button will populate with if the author does not change it. You did use the response button as a player reaction to dialogue in several places but there were still inconsistencies in the use of it. For example it seems odd to me that a bridge officer, away team member of NPC contact make a statement or give the player a report or information and the player's response is "Continue". Do not get me wrong, there are places where "Continue" may work, but I would recommend the use of "..." vice "Continue".
This mission has a lot of potential to be developed into a great story. Keep at it, and do not be discouraged by this review. My only desire with this report is to help you develop this mission and your desire to create great missions into reality.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good and detailed description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is the same as the body of the description. Consider changing it to be more oriented to the mission story and not just a repeat of the description. You want to write it to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Accept' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this grant dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task but consider adding the sector block to make it easier for the player to find the start location. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Cero III: This is a good map design with a fun battle. The dialogue needs a little more development. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue" feels awkward when reports are being made or dialogue is directed at the player. I will note the use on the other maps and cover it in my summary above.
-The "Hailing Frequencies" dialogue; consider changing "I have a Mister Ookat standing by" to read "I have a Minister Ookat standing by".
-An issue with the story dialogue. In the dialogue responding to the question "What can we do to help" the Prime Minister regarding the Romulan Scientist states "Since he is not infected". The question is, how would the Prime Minister know that? In earlier dialogue the Prime Minister stated "We do not have sophisticated equipment". Consider reworking the dialogue to correct that issue.
Labs Deck: This is a nice map design with tough battles. The story dialogue needs some work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Considering adding a little more detail such as walls with doors between the open spaces. You want to make it feel more like a ship interior.
-The Dr. Mewer NPC should not be moving at all. With the longer dialogue sequence when he moves away the dialogue closes and the player has to catch up with him and start over. Consider changing the NPC to remain in one location.
-The "A Cure Must Be Found" dialogue; consider changing the order of the response buttons. For example it would make more sense for the "How should I address you" response should be the first button.
-The activation of the "Secondary Lab" by the Captain of the ship seems to be a task that the player would delegate to a science crew. The task currently requires the player to go back and forth across the map. Consider changing the "Bring the Secondary Lab Systems Online" to having the player go to another NPC crew and give that order.
-The "Evaluate Data Samples" task dialogue does not seem to flow logically. Specifically, there is no warning dialogue to let the player know what has happened. The next thing the player knows when they talk to Dr. Mewer they are asking about the bio alert.
-The "Engage Quantum Field" task; consider moving the console to the same room where the player confronts Dr. Mewer regarding the bio alert. Having a player run back and forth across a map can become tedious.
-An issue with the story dialogue and the plot. The "Speak to Dr. Mewer & Dr. V'Sash" task dialogue; consider moving the second response button "Why would the Romulans wish to poison a planet" dialogue to be a part of the "Can we tell where it came from" response button dialogue. With the current button configuration I do not need to click the first button because your second button already answers the first.
-Consider combining the "Truth Part I" and "Truth Part II" dialogues to all part of one task with the "Speak to Dr. Mewer & Dr. V'Sash" dialogue discussed in the previous line. It would flow better and the player would not need to run back and forth to talk to Dr. V'Sash and Dr. Mewer.
-The "Romulans" dialogue; consider changing "We're taken by surprise, Romulans boarding the ship" to read "[Rank], Romulan ships just decloaked off the port bow. They are deploying boarding parties".
Cero III: This is a good map design with tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue". I will note the use on the other maps and cover it in my summary above.
Cero Surface: This is a nice map design with tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the dialogue regarding the bio generators to refer to setting them up vice having them already beamed down and waiting to be activated. You would then use an invisible object to show the location on the map for the player to go to set up the generators. This would work much better and be less confusing than using the nav beacons. There is a 5x5x5 invisible object that would work perfectly. Then you set up a button to have the player place the generator and make the objects you currently have as the generators appear. If the generator was already in place, why would the Romulan troops not simply destroy them to prevent them from being activated?
-The use of the response button "Continue". I will note the use on the other maps and cover it in my summary above.
Cero III: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue and a nice wrap up to the mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Success" dialogue; consider changing "Thank-you [Rank]" to read "Thank you [Rank]".
-Consider changing the response button "Happy to Help" to read "Happy to help".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Thanks Evil70th for your help! This was my first foundry mission and I'm glad you enjoyed it and think I would be good at making more foundry content. I have been asked to make a KDF version and I do plan on making a full length version of this story, I just haven't got to it yet . Theres a chance with the help that I might be able to hopefully get A farming mission in the spotlight.
As for the mission description I used all 1000 characters and didn't have room for everything I wanted to say, so I'll think more about what to do with that.
I changed a few dialogs with your suggestions and I didn't even notice the overuse of the "continue" so with a few minor dialog changes I fixed all those.
I made the changes and republished if you would like to check out my changes and thanks again for your help!
Fleet Admiral GRIZZ
U.S.S. Chicago NCC 1833-C
Sector 31 ANTKB
ANTKB Gaming Community
As always I am glad I could help. I look forward to a full version of the story when you have time to develop it. Good luck and thanks for authoring.
Brian
Federation Mission - All Roads Lead To Rome
Author: horriblecat
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HRPGRETGV
Report Start
Summary: For your first attempt at the Foundry I would have to say you nailed it. This is a great mission with several tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I was drawn into the story and despite the issues I noted below riveted to the screen to see what would happen next. The mission starts off a little slow but soon you are drawn into an investigation that leads to combat. I would highly recommend this mission to all players who like a great story combined with tough combat.
By the way, it is a whole lot longer than 20 to 25 minutes.
Almost all the maps transfer dialogue stated "Go to Next Map" and some the response button said the same thing. This is the default setting of the map transfer dialogue and response button. While the story and action drew me in these points in the story served to distract from it. You need to fix these issues by incorporating them into the story dialogue as I suggested on some of the maps below. It really can be as simple as using the last dialogue from the previous conversation as the map transfer dialogue.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description with intriguing details. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is well written and serves to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Accept' button. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "We need to get to the Bhea 4 to finish" to read "We need to get to Bhea 4 to finish".
-Consider removing the follow on dialogue as it does not appear to serve any purpose in the mission. It feels like it was going somewhere and then it just stops.
Mission Task: The initial task is okay but is a little vague. Not all players have a map listing all the star systems. Consider adding the sector block to help the player find the start location for the first custom map.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Bhea 4: This is a good map design with very detailed and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Anomaly" dialogue; consider changing "to the sensor subsystems to compensate against the feedback" to read "to the sensor subsystems to compensate for the feedback"
-Consider changing the response button "Lieutenant Cross divert power to compensate for the disturbence" to read "Lieutenant Cross, divert power to compensate for the disturbance".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider replacing the "Go to Next Map" with the last dialogue from the "Message from Starfleet" dialogue. The "Go to Next Map" dialogue is the default for no entry in the field. It distracts from the story.
Bridge: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The map transfer dialogue; consider replacing the "Go to Next Map" with the last dialogue from the "Amanda Crow" dialogue. It distracts from the story. From this point I will note the maps this occurs on and cover it my summary.
Edge of the Vantis Expanse: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Phalanx Bridge: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There is a plant at the beam in point. Is that part of the map or something you added?
-The "Welcome aboard" dialogue; consider changing "I imaging you have hundreds of questions" to read "I imagine you have hundreds of questions".
-Consider changing "[OOC]Cor Naj Nibri begins to star at you intently[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Cor Naj Nibri begins to stare at you intently[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "interrupting but [Rank][LastName] here would" to read "interrupting but [Rank] [LastName] here would".
-Consider changing "the only person in starfleet I trust" to read "the only person in Starfleet I trust".
-Consider changing the response button "If I remember correctly in the Acadamy you were the one with the bad hair" to read "If I remember correctly in the Academy you were the one with the bad hair".
Engineering: This is a good map design with very well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are at least two plants on the map that look out of place. Both are in the middle of the engineering consoles.
-Consider renaming "Ensign Read" to "Ensign Reed". The other spelling is incorrect for a proper name. This would require you to locate the spelling on each map and correct it.
-The "Scan the conduit" task; consider changing the animation from a "Beam in" to a "Tricorder scan".
U.S.S. Phalanx: This is a great map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Further examination" dialogue; during the previous dialogue with Admiral Isalandris she referred to the Nurse Ilys as "your nurse" and during the dialogue the nurse says "Four of your crew". This reference by the nurse is a plot issue. If she is a nurse from the player's ship then she should refer to them as "Four members of our crew".
-Consider changing "and not at the [ShipName]" to read "and not on the [ShipName]".
-The map transfer dialogue and response button both say "Go to Next Map".
Alien Ship: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "Sir its the crew of the Phalanx" to read "Sir, it's the crew of the Phalanx".
-Consider moving the initial enemy mob further away to give the player time to read the initial dialogue.
-The "Humane thing to do" dialogue; consider changing "The others are similar if not more sever" to read "The others are similar if not more severe".
-The map transfer dialogue and response button both say "Go to Next Map".
Vantis Space: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider moving the initial enemy mob further away to give the player time to read the initial dialogue.
Bridge of the Idaho: This is a good map with excellent story dialogue and a good wrap up to this mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Explanations" dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]Isalrandis stares over into your direction[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Isalrandis stares in your direction[/OOC]"
-Consider changing "Lieutenant Amanda Crow mam" to read "Lieutenant Amanda Crow ma'am".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing the next installment of this mission and more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 09/02/2013 on forum posting for: New Mission: All Roads Lead To Rome.
Federation Mission - Admiral in Peril
Author: antman9173
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HICBJ4DKJ
Report Start
Summary: This is a great combat and fleet oriented mission. The map designs are good, the battles tough but fun, and the story dialogue kept the mission moving forward. I mention fleet oriented because you clearly indicated that in the description. There is nothing wrong with fleet oriented missions and your disclosure of that would mitigate most responses from other players who do not like those types of specific references. Despite the fleet oriented nature of the mission it is still a fun mission and I would definitely recommend this mission to all players.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The dialogue is well written but needs a little more story to help draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Accept' button.
Mission Task: You need to provide a start location with the sector block to help the player find where the first custom map starts. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "at the fleet stating ground" to read "at the fleet staging ground".
-The entry prompt button; consider changing "Rendevous with the fleet" to read "Rendezvous with the fleet".
MAPS:
Burgus System: This is a good map with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "for your briefing from Admiral p'Rett" to read "for your briefing from Admiral P'rett" as indicated on the "Alini 7" and "Ticonderoga" maps.
-Consider changing "The lapetus has already" to read "The Lapetus has already". I noted this spelling throughout this map and the next. I realize that this is most likely the way one of your fleet members has spelled their ship name but all ship names should be capitalized. I recommend you change this throughout the mission.
-Consider changing "and attempt to begin rescue operations, barring any Borg resistence" to read "and attempt rescue operations, barring any Borg resistance".
Alini 4: This is a great map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-As noted previously regarding the capitalization of "lapetus" as a ship name.
-Consider changing "I'm Garron Vek, captain of the lapetus" to read "I'm Garron Vek, Captain of the Lapetus". When referring to the rank alone it does not need to be capitalized but when referring to a specific person of that rank it should be capitalized.
-Consider changing "Proceed to the rendevous point" to read "Proceed to the rendezvous point".
-Consider changing "[MissionInfo]Go to the renevous point and continue to visually scan the nebula[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Go to the rendezvous point and continue to visually scan the nebula[/MissionInfo]"
-The map transfer dialogue and response button both say "Go to Next Map". Consider replacing it with "Course laid in" for the dialogue and "Engage" for the response button. The "Go to Next Map" dialogue is the default for no entry in the field. It distracts from the story.
Alini 7: This is a good map design with some fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Ticonderoga: This is a great map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. The ending of the mission seemed a little rushed. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-During the "Reach Admiral P?rett" task there are three Borg in the corridor. Consider changing them to enemy units that the player can engage. It seems odd to just leave three random Borg standing there.
-Consider changing "We got cut of from" to read "We got cut off from".
-The post "Defend your Position" dialogue; consider changing "A Cube cam in" to read "A cube came in".
End Report
I noted that the mission does not actually start on ESD as you indicated in your original review request. Of course it did take me a little while to get to your mission so you obviously had time to finish it and move the entry point.
Brian
Federation Mission - Task Force Sol
Author: usmcprim
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HKNZJAXY8
Report Start
Summary: This is definitely a heavy combat oriented mission with a little story dialogue to move the mission forward. Based on the little dialogue there is I am guessing this is a fleet oriented mission. The map designs are good and the battles are pretty tough on most of the maps. They are even tougher on a couple of the maps. I would recommend this mission to all players who love a combat oriented mission but I would not recommend it on Elite. It was difficult enough on Normal level.
I mention below on the description and grant dialogue that you need to add more of the story to help draw the player in. My perspective on this is that you need some story to drive the mission forward otherwise you are running from map to map and just fighting. Do not get me wrong, I like combat oriented missions too but I prefer a mission that has some story with it. It makes it more interesting if the is more of a purpose to the mission and the elements of it. It also helps the author keep the story flowing and not miss follow up elements of the story. A good example of this is how much the MACCO commandos are mentioned and have to be inserted on to ESD by the player. After that they are never seen or heard from again. Was their mission a success? The map transfer dialogue at the end of the "ESD Command Center" map is not really clear since it runs together the clearing of the station and the reactivation of the defenses. All of which were done by the player alone. The point is you need a little more story in the mission and you need to make sure you do not lose track of portions of the plot.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a simple description. Consider adding more of the story to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant and follow on dialogue are very simple. Consider adding more story to draw the player in and make them want to 'Accept' the mission. The follow on dialogue after the player clicks the 'Accept' button needs more story. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[MissionInfo]Proceed to planet Vulcan to rendeavous with Task Force Sol[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Proceed to planet Vulcan to rendezvous with Task Force Sol[/MissionInfo]"
Mission Task: The initial mission task needs the start location of the first custom map to ensure the player can locate where to start the mission. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Vulcan: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Return to USS Melbourne" dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], Excellent work" to read "[Rank], excellent work".
-Consider changing "I will be transporting Commandos to your ship" to read "I will be transporting commandos to your ship". In the same way I recommend the use of capitalization of rank when referring to a specific person when referring to a group of people it should be lower case. The exception to this would be if you were naming a specific commando.
-Consider changing the response button "We are ready to recieve the Commandos" to read "We are ready to receive the commandos".
Mars: This is a good map design with some tough battles. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], We have completed our scan" to read "[Rank], we have completed our scan".
Infilration: This is a good map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name from "Infilration" to read "Infiltration".
ESD Interior: This is a good map design with several tough battles. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "I'm recieving a signal from deck 35" to read "I'm receiving a signal from deck 35".
Rescue: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider having Doctor Saver disappear when the crew is beamed out. It looks odd with her still kneeling and checking the crew that is no longer there. You can do this by adding an invisible object as the trigger rather than the NPC.
-The "Commander Detan" dialogue; consider changing the response button "Get ahold of yourself" to read "Get a hold of yourself".
-Consider changing "able to save Earth Spacedock iinstead of destroying it" to read "able to save Earth Spacedock instead of destroying it".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "[MissionInfo]Proceed to shuttlebay[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Proceed to shuttle bay[/MissionInfo]".
Shuttle Bay: This is a good map design with several very tough battles. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "[MissionInfo]Use the Borg Transport Device to acces the Command Center[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Use the Borg Transport Device to access the Command Center[/MissionInfo]"
ESD Command Center: This is a good map design with several very tough battles. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
ESD Space: This is a good map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You obviously set out to create a heavy combat oriented mission and I would say you definitely succeeded.
Brian
This critique report also filed 09/03/2013 on forum posting for: "Task Force Sol" is now Live
Parallels: my second mission for Fed aligned Romulans.
No worries. I will try to get to it later this week.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
People are telling me there are floating objects in their reviews and I only know of one crate that is off the floor a bit so if you notice that kind of thing let me know (The central tower in my city map lacks a base because I hit the item limit and you aren't supposed to go down there anyway.)
Parallels: my second mission for Fed aligned Romulans.