Hello Evil. I love your in depth reviews. Just published my first mission: A time to search by @lincolninspace. It is still under review and needs played aa few times. Thanks in advance
Federation Mission - A time to search
Author: lincolninspace
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HLFRSWRPV
Report Start
Summary: For your first mission you did quite well. Your map designs are quite advanced for a first time author and I really enjoyed them, especially the detailed design of the "Erstwhile V interior" map. The mission premise is outstanding and I like the way you wrote it. Despite the issues discussed below I would still recommend this mission to other players. I had fun and really enjoyed the mission.
I noted on several of the maps the use of [MissionInfo] feature versus the [OOC] feature when trying to distinguish the difference between the dialog and a description of something the player is doing to help drive the story. As I mentioned the use of the [OOC] feature has been used in many Foundry missions including my own. It is typically used in conjunction with [Rank] and/or [LastName] in the dialogue box to distinguish it as the players dialogue when it is too long for the response button field. Speaking of the response button field, you should choose to either enter the response in that field or use the [OOC] method I just described above, not both. If you use the [Rank] and/or [LastName] in conjunction with the [OOC] feature you can then use just the [OOC] feature to describe actions being taken such as "[OOC]You tap your comm. Badge[/OOC]". The [MissionInfo] feature should only be used to describe things in the mission the player needs to remember or tasks they need to complete. On several maps it seemed to jump around and was being used for dialogue and tasks. It will be easier if you pick a method and stick with it throughout the mission.
The use of triggered dialogue for conversations and interactions that is not required for the story. The normal method of making a NPC on the map an optional contact that really serves no purpose to the story. What the player sees is a large amount of "I" icons on the map. This can confuse the map and clutter it with a lot of useless points the player must go to determine they serve no purpose in the story. I usually recommend using triggered optional dialogue along the most likely path the player will take to get somewhere on the map. The benefit of this is once the player has interacted with the optional dialogue it goes away. It can also be used to trigger events. For example the Nausicaan mob confrontation. If this was an optional dialogue the player could trigger a fire fight or avoid it depending on the choice they make. It would make the story more interesting and provide the player with the option to avoid a fight or bring one on.
The last real issue I had was the larger number of "Interact" buttons spread throughout the mission. Most of them where optional interactions and I think that is why you did not fill them in with a description. The problem with not filling them in is the player does not know what they need to interact with and what they do not. It can also become confusing for you the author when you are trying to edit the mission. You need to fill them in with the specific interaction. It is the same with the optional triggered interactions and dialogue I mention above. It will also help to flesh out the story a little more for the players.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a short but interesting description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is very well written grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: You should include the start location for the first custom map in the initial task to include the sector block. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: : This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Deep space observatory: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Recommend using triggered dialogue for conversations and interactions that are not required for the story. I will note it on each map and cover it in detail in the summary.
-The "Speak to L'var" dialogue; consider changing "I have been looking forward your arrival" to read "I have been looking forward to your arrival".
-I am less strict regarding the use of contractions by Vulcan's but I am trying to remember the last Vulcan I heard use one. You also do not mention he is half Rigellian and Vulcan until much later on in the dialogue.
-The use of a colloquialism by a Vulcan seems unlikely unless he set it up with something along the lines of "As the British might say, dealing with cheeky 19 year olds". I think it would make the story flow better.
-The use of [OOC] dialogue to simulate the player speaking is widely used in many missions I have reviewed and I also use it in my missions. I will note it on each map and cover it in detail in the summary.
-The use of [MissionInfo] dialogue should be used to highlight specific things in a mission for the player to note. I will note it on each map and cover it in detail in the summary.
-The "Recieve Transmission" task should read "Receive Transmission".
-The "Capt. Kurland" dialogue; consider changing "Well [Rank], My contact one of the" to read "Well [Rank], my contact is one of the".
-The "Garak" dialogue; consider changing "Well yes captain [LastName], My security forces" to read "Well yes Captain [LastName], my security forces".
Observatory: space: This is a nice map design but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Because of the nature of this map you should name it a more neutral name. You should name it something like "Space" or something along those lines.
-The planet we are heading to is already visible on the other side of the transwarp conduit.
-Consider reorienting the planet and transwarp conduit on the map to face east to west and use the effect WeatherStarStreaks East-West 01. That effect looks better than the North-South effects.
-Consider removing the "Admiral Vo'reen" and related dialogue completely. It serves no purpose in the story and is an unnecessary distraction.
-The response button "A captain never abandons his crew" and "to heck with our orders" would both be rendered void by removing the Admiral Vo'reen dialogue, but if you decide to keep that dialogue then consider changing "to heck with our orders" to read "To heck with our orders".
Droxine City Spaceport: This is a good and very detailed map design. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Scan when passing through the arch appears to be off center and the origin of the beam is in the middle of the arch.
-Recommend optional conversations and interactions use triggered dialogue. Additionally label the button with what the interaction is rather than leaving the default "Interact".
-The use of [OOC] dialogue.
-The use of [MissionInfo] dialogue.
-The cough bit is funny and would add to the story but when you make the player run to try and gain access to the city it seems unlikely. Consider changing this to add dialogue that allows the player to clear the medical exam. Then have them use the lift behind the Chief medical hologram. This would also alleviate the need for the Droxine City map. If you are going to have the player still try and escape at least put some low level enemy mobs for the player to fight before escaping through the hatch.
Droxine City: This is a very good map design with fun optional battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Recommend optional conversations and interactions use triggered dialogue.
-The use of [OOC] dialogue.
-The use of [MissionInfo] dialogue.
-I did notice that several of the enemy mobs for optional combat are mislabeled as Nausicaan fighters and not Ministry of Health.
-The "Contact ship again" dialogue; consider changing the response button "Great,make it quick" to read "Great, make it quick".
-The leap off the building to change maps is a fun little feature but is also unnecessary to the story. Consider changing the beam out point to be at the top of that building and not have the player leap off the top.
Dive bar: This is a good map design with several details and well written story dialogue. I liked the "Beam up to the S.S. Erstwhile V" effect. That was very well done. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Recommend optional conversations and interactions use triggered dialogue.
-The use of [OOC] dialogue.
-The use of [MissionInfo] dialogue.
-The "Profile" dialogue; the two human crewman have [MissionInfo] dialogue for their names but the Caitian and Toltarian crewman have no [MissionInfo] dialogue for their names. Consider making it consistent for all NPC profiles.
-Consider changing the response button "What would he want with my men" to read "What would he want with my crew".
-Consider changing "[MissionInfo]you and whispers)Plus the Thot[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]you and whispers) Plus the Thot[/MissionInfo]".
-Consider reducing the number of freighter captains the player asks to no more than 3. The other 4 become tedious very quickly. I did like the playing the game one so I would keep that one.
-Consider having the player sit on a real chair and have Doro appear from a chair next to them. It did not seem to come off the way you had planned. Doro and my character where right on top of each other.
-The "Doro" dialogue; consider moving the period between "blockade runner" and "My Captain". Additionally Doro's dialogue should not be optional. It should be part of the story.
-The "Butler Okona" dialogue; consider changing the response button "The Thot has some of my men as captives" to read "The Thot has some of my crew as captives".
-The "First Officer" dialogue; consider changing "And its not like" to read "And it's not like"
-Consider changing "Beside you promised to help" to read "Besides you promised to help".
-Consider removing the Nausicaan mob as they do not seem to add anything to the story. Additionally, one of the mob members is an Orion female.
-The "Talk to Kell" dialogue; she refers to the player as Captain in one portion of the dialogue and the by [Rank] in the other. Consider making it one or the other throughout the whole dialogue.
Moon surface: This is a good map design with fun optional combat and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The shuttle craft is hovering above the ground. Consider placing it on the ground and adding the Kell character to the map sitting outside the shuttle to interact with.
-Recommend labeling all buttons with what the interaction is rather than leaving the default "Interact".
-The use of [MissionInfo] dialogue.
Abandoned Mine: This is a good and very detailed map design. The story dialogue is well written but requires a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "set charges" to read "Set charges".
-Consider changing "set explosive" to read "Detonate explosive"
-Consider changing having the player move back away from the explosive to detonate them.
-Recommend labeling all buttons with what the interaction is rather than leaving the default "Interact".
-For the placement of the second charge you seem to have multiple interact buttons there. Consider removing excess buttons.
-The "Doro" dialogue seemed odd since she was nowhere around the crewmen when I found them. Consider adding Doro to appear when her dialogue starts. That means you will have to make a separate trigger for that if you want her to appear just as her dialogue starts.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "use a stealthy approach to in vestigate the ship" to read "use a stealthy approach to investigate the ship".
-Consider changing "I can dock usto one of the maintenance tubes" to read "I can dock us at one of the maintenance tubes".
Erstwhile V interior: This is a great map design and your use of one map for the whole interior is very well done. The story dialogue is very well written but requires a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Recommend labeling all buttons with what the interaction is rather than leaving the default "Interact".
-The initial dialogue can be set to start without using a button to trigger it.
- For the open hatch you seem to have multiple interact buttons there. Consider removing excess buttons. Additionally consider designing the open hatch task to create an opening in the floor for the player to drop through. This can be done by designing that portion of the deck with individual grates. That would be better than just making the color disappear.
-Consider changing the flushing the Breen out into space into a fight with a low level mob. The player does not actually see the Breen get sucked out into space until it is done. I was not sure what was happening until I turned around after I reactivated the force field.
-The "Doro in disguise" was cute but adding nothing to the story. Consider removing it.
-The turbo lift to the "Medical Bay" was slightly lower than the deck.
-The use of [OOC] dialogue.
-The use of [MissionInfo] dialogue.
-The Warp Core intermix interaction needs to have a purpose other than optional dialogue. If you change it to triggered dialogue it will go away after the player achieves the goal you intended.
-The entrance to the bridge appears to have at least 3 doors. It appears that this is because the bridge you designed is slightly higher than where the player enters from the turbo lift. Consider removing the extra doors and building steps if you need to have the bridge elevated.
Kinjun IV: This is a nice map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue to wrap up the mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of [OOC] dialogue.
-The use of [MissionInfo] dialogue.
-Consider changing the "Hail Trajan" task to a triggered invisible object. Then when that dialogue is over you can make the ship disappear.
-Consider adding your thank you dialogue to the end of the "Hail Trajan" dialogue. Having the player fly to your position just to have you say "Thanks for playing" is unnecessary and annoying.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. Do not be discouraged by the length of the report above. For a first time author you did an amazing job in developing this mission and once you tweak it you will have an outstanding mission that everyone will enjoy. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Summary: This is a really good mission, especially considering it is your first mission. The map designs are outstanding, especially the Warp Ship Durken maps. The battles are fun until the last few maps where they become tougher. The story dialogue is excellent but needs a little polishing here and there. The mission is more like an hour to an hour and half but I would still highly recommend this mission to other players but not on Elite.
Below I mention apparently random capitalized words in the dialogue on every map. During the mission the author should reduce the number of distractions as much as possible. Random capitalization of words is most likely not something that everyone would catch but then you did ask me to look. A few examples are given below for the first map but I also found the following ones spread throughout the dialogue on every map;
Conference
Warp Project
Explosive
Timer
Power
Heard
Gas Giant
This list is not inclusive of every instance in the mission dialogue but is intended to give you the idea of what to look for. I did not find any rank capitalization issues at all.
The use of branching dialogue in a mission can be a great way to take a story on a map in a particular direction. When dealing with dialogue coming from a computer it is perfectly acceptable to have the player return to a central dialogue menu. However when dealing with branching NPC or BOFF dialogue returning the player to the exact same root dialogue can be tedious and also distract from the story. Setting up a diminishing response menu option can be time consuming for the author but it does make for better story telling. Based on your work on this mission you have most likely used some tutorials. I have used many of the tutorials on Starbase UGC covering many topics for using the Foundry.
One last thing, I mention below on each map is the use of triggered optional dialogue and tasks. You are already using objects for triggered dialogue and tasks that work pretty well. If you are using objects you have to hide I would suggest using invisible objects on space, ground, and interior maps. I typically use the 10FT invisible object for triggered dialogue and tasks. Some of dialogue, objects and tasks need a little adjustment in when they become visible or disappear. For optional dialogue a good rule of thumb is it should only remain visible if the player may need to refer back to it. This is where the visibility triggers come in handy. Once a player has passed the task where the optional dialogue would help it should be removed. That is one of the reasons I push the triggered optional dialogue and discourage the NPC optional dialogue.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant and follow on dialogue were well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: The initial mission task should have the start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
MAPS: Malcor III: This is a good map design with fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Initial dialogue; consider changing "Captain, the Malcorian Space Station is Hailing us" to read "Captain, the Malcorian Space Station is hailing us".
-The "Commander Alrin Kaleth" dialogue; consider changing "aboard the Warp Vessel for a small dedication ceremony" to read "aboard the warp vessel for a small dedication ceremony"
-The "Hail the Shuttle" dialogue; consider changing "Captain, the Shuttle's transponder code doesn't match" to read "Captain, the shuttle's transponder code doesn't match"
-The "Admiral Flores" dialogue; consider changing "Tread Carefully Captain" to read "Tread carefully Captain".
-Consider changing the response button "Lets try hailing them one more time" to read "Let's try hailing them one more time".
-The "Shuttle Pilot" dialogue; consider changing "Filthy Aliens" to read "Filthy aliens".
-The "Rescue the Chancellor" dialogue; consider changing "I can't, Sir" to read "I can't, sir
-Consider changing "They're leaking Radiation" to read "They're leaking radiation"
-Consider changing "get me within Five Kilometers" to read "get me within five kilometers".
-Consider changing "hit a Quantum filament" to read "hit a quantum filament".
-Consider using invisible objects for your triggers. They will show up on the mini-map as long as they are part of the task. I will note this other maps and cover it in the summary above.
-You have a number of what appear to be random capitalized words in both dialogue and response buttons. There are several examples are above. From this point I will note the maps I find them on and cover it in my summary above.
-The post "Deliver Shuttle Crew" dialogue; consider changing "We had recieved credible" to read "We had received credible".
-The use of "Go Back" to take the player to the previous selection so they can continue is a little annoying. Consider having continuous dialogue trees where possible. You actually did have reducing choices for dialogue directions on later maps. I will note this other maps and cover it in my summary.
Warp Ship Durken: This is a great map design with several fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider correcting apparently random capitalized words.
-Consider adding a task before the "Return to the Admiral" where the player to roams around the room and talk to the other NPCs.
-Consider using triggered optional dialogue instead of optional NPC contact dialogue. The triggered optional dialogue can be set to go away after the player interacts with it or remain. I will cover this in my summary above.
-Consider having continuous dialogue trees where possible.
-Consider adding interaction animation for the player interactions with objects and consoles.
-The "Crewman Mirik Dranel" dialogue; consider changing "codes were reset after the attack.We don't keep" to read codes were reset after the attack. We don't keep".
Malcor VII: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider correcting apparently random capitalized words.
-Consider having continuous dialogue trees where possible.
-Consider using invisible objects for your triggers.
-Consider changing "Thank Captain [LastName], Once again" to read "Thank you Captain [LastName], once again".
Garth System: This is a great map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider correcting apparently random capitalized words.
-Consider using invisible objects for your triggers.
-Consider changing "Captain, Who is attacking us" to read "Captain, who is attacking us".
Warp Ship Durken: This is a great map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider correcting apparently random capitalized words.
-Consider using triggered optional dialogue.
-Consider adding interaction animation for the player interactions with objects and consoles.
-Consider having continuous dialogue trees where possible.
-The post "Disable Coolant system" dialogue; consider changing "I've disnengaged the safeties" to read "I've disengaged the safeties"
-The "New devices" were already visible before we engaged the Borg. Consider making them appear after the second or third "Hold off the Borg" task.
-The button for interacting with "Isrin" has the default "Interact" label. Consider changing the button to read "Check Isrin" or something along those lines. Also consider making the button appear after the plasma leak has been sealed and the fire is out.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and I really enjoyed it. I look forward to playing/reviewing the second part to this mission and more of your work in the future.
Brian
As many of you are aware I started my in depth mission reviews back around September 3rd 2011. Since then I have reviewed over 250 missions of just about every type. I started doing my reviews when I read a number of "feedback" reviews on author's missions that were obviously intended to be nothing more than insulting. Those folks are usually just trying to make themselves feel better by bringing down others. Have I reviewed some terrible missions? You bet, but you will not find any review I have done that seeks to insult the author or make them feel bad about it. Why is that? For one thing I am not a child. For another I know the Foundry is not always an easy tool to use. There is no way the folks at Cryptic could generate enough missions to keep the community satisfied completely. The creation of missions by authors enriches our community giving us more content to continue the adventure. That is the real genius behind the Foundry.
Okay, so I should get back to the focus outlined in the title of this article. I have posted my "Best Practices" piece a while back and in there I mention using scripts. In many of my reviews over the past year when I point out discrepancies in the plot of mission or other things that detract from the story I have recommended the author use a script. I have been using scripts for years in animation work that I do on the side, so it was a natural thing for me to use in the creation of my Foundry missions. It occurs to me in all my recommendations and the Best Practices piece I never provided an example of the script I use, so I will provide an example of one with explanations for each one.
The first section is an important for creating a mission.
Mission Title: Your mission name Project ID: Assigned when you create the mission. Allegiance:Federation or Klingon Level: This depends on the mission elements too.
Description: This is a summary of the story to help you figure out what the purpose of the mission is. This will also help you write a summary that will draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button.
Cast:
This is optional but is recommend to help you keep track of your characters and make sure you create the ones you need.
Grant Mission Dialog:
This is used to write the dialogue that will make the player want to click the 'Accept' button. You can of course add follow on dialogue that occurs after the player has accepted the mission.
Map Name: The name of the map you are going to create Map Type: This is for your notes on the map type. Is it Space, Ground, or Interior? Map Description This is for your notes on the map. For example; Space with "Weather Starstreaks WestEast 01" effects, class "Y" planet, and class "D" moon. Triggered interaction animation "Coming from warp" with "Weather Starstreaks WestEast 01" effects disappear, while planet and moon appear. Map Transfer: This is for your notes. For example; Earth Space Dock > Your Map Name
Map Text: This becomes your initial mission task. For example; Enter Bridge from panel across from Transporter Room ESD. NPC: This is the dialogue from the NPC who is speaking to the player. The NPC part is usually whoever the NPC is., For example; Tactical Officer (Bridge). Button: This is the entry button to your map. For example; Energize.
Mission Task: This is the task from the mission story section. For example; Explore the ruins.
NPC: As above this is where I write the dialogue from an NPC that the player will read. The NPC is where I put the name or title of whomever the layer is speaking with. Response: This is where I put the player response to the dialogue.
If the dialogue has multiple responses I number each one and indicate that on the NPC dialogue that matches that button. It helps for more complex dialogue. Speaking of more complex dialogue, I recommend you use reducing response buttons to dialogue rather than having the player return to the same dialogue with the same responses to choose another. It is a little more work but I think it makes the story flow better. The only time I use a repeating dialogue with the same response buttons over and over is for database entries in a computer or something along those lines.
For Reach Markers:
Reach Marker: What is it? NPC: Is there NPC dialogue? Response: What is the player response button?
For Interaction:
Mission Task: What is the interaction in the story? For example; Initial scan Interact: What is the interaction button? For example; Scan
If the is enemy combat:
Engage Enemy 1 of 3 Engage Enemy 2 of 3 Engage Enemy 3 of 3
Below is the entire script template I use for you to copy and paste into Word for your own use.
Thanks for all the work you do with this. I've read a number of your reviews and your comments are excellent.
I've got a first-time effort for you to look at, if you could:
Mission Name: The Sins of the Fathers Author:@donperk Minimum Level: 16+ Allegiance:Klingon Project ID: ST-HHAYT6KPV Estimated Mission Length: 2 hours (story heavy)
The player takes on a character who wise-cracks with his/her crew, but is respectful and business-like with everyone else. The dialog has an on-going sense of humor set against a serious story line. The overall concept is POV (point of view) and how people's different POV's can challenge what is believed to be the real story.
There are plenty of battles -- and they fit the story line, they aren't just thrown in. But this is story-centered and lore heavy.
I have started a project thread here and will be posting some screen caps to it later tonight.
Thanks for all the work you do with this. I've read a number of your reviews and your comments are excellent.
I've got a first-time effort for you to look at, if you could:
Mission Name: The Sins of the Fathers Author:@donperk Minimum Level: 16+ Allegiance:Klingon Project ID: ST-HHAYT6KPV Estimated Mission Length: 2 hours (story heavy)
The player takes on a character who wise-cracks with his/her crew, but is respectful and business-like with everyone else. The dialog has an on-going sense of humor set against a serious story line. The overall concept is POV (point of view) and how people's different POV's can challenge what is believed to be the real story.
There are plenty of battles -- and they fit the story line, they aren't just thrown in. But this is story-centered and lore heavy.
I have started a project thread here and will be posting some screen caps to it later tonight.
Thank you!
Hi Donperk,
Welcome to the queue and to the Foundry. I am glad my reviews have helped you along the way to developing your first mission. Your mission is currently 14th in the queue behind Crystyll. I have made progress on the queue in the last few weeks and will continue as best I can. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Summary: This is a great mission with several tough battles, well written story dialogue, and is a nice wrap up to the series. The map designs are good with nice designs. The battles are very tough on most of the maps but not unbeatable; I just would not recommend it on Elite level. The story dialogue is well written and serves to drive the story forward. I would highly recommend this mission to all players who enjoy those elements in combination.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Your orders are to meet with Fleet Admiral Vincient Skyline, and follow out his orders" to read "You are to meet with Fleet Admiral Vincient Skyline, and follow his orders".
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: The initial task should contain the starting point for the first custom map to help the player find your mission starting point.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Waveloid Warp Gate: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider triggering the anomaly formation after the Gate Keeper conversation.
Animus System: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Waveloid Border Control dialogue; consider changing "please all stop" to read "please come to all stop".
Waveloid Celebration Center: This is a good map design and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider checking the seated NPCs around the tables. Several of them are seated above the seats.
-The Fleet Admiral Vincient Skyline dialogue; consider changing "that only you and the cew you trust" to read "that only you and the crew you trust".
-Consider changing "follow my orders that are on that data disk out immediately" to read "carry out my orders on that data disk immediately".
-The Captain Yuina Skyline dialogue; consider changing "The celebration was just getting started" to read "The celebration is just getting started".
-Consider changing the response button "This doesn' count as our dinner, now does it" to read "This doesn't count as our dinner, now does it".
Deep Space: This is a great map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Star Streak Warp effect you are using seems to have an issue. If you are using WeatherStarStreaks East-West 01 then I suggest you report it to Cryptic. If not then I suggest you replace the effect with the WeatherStarStreaks East-West 01.
-The post "Disable both ships" dialogue; consider changing "One of the escorts have been destroyed" to read "One of the escorts has been destroyed".
Federation Cruiser 5 Emissary Shuttle Bay: This is a great map design with tough battles and good story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Federation Cruiser 5 Emissary Bridge: This is a great map design with tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Did you take out all thse Misthi alone" to read "Did you take out all these Misthi alone".
-The Ascended Yuina dialogue; consider changing "has now recieved the blessing" to read "has now received the blessing".
-Consider changing the response button "Then we have are next destination" to read "Then we have our next destination".
Daimon Uioda's Base of Operations: This is a great map design with tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "Appraoching the coordinates [Rank]" to read "Approaching the coordinates [Rank]".
-The invisible object you have to trigger the "Drop out of warp" task is labeled "Invisible Object - 10ft". Consider relabeling it "Drop out of warp".
-Consider changing "coordinates that Fleet Admiral Skyine gave us" to read "coordinates that Fleet Admiral Skyline gave us".
-Consider changing the response button "Helms take us in" to read "Helm, take us in".
-The post "Scan Damaged Colony" dialogue; consider changing "multiple contacts de-cloaking on our position" to read "multiple vessels de-cloaking all around us".
-Consider changing the response button "Helms, follow that warp trail" to read "Helm, follow that warp trail".
-The Ascended Yuina dialogue; consider changing "My brother recieved word from our planet" to read "My brother received word from our planet".
-Consider changing the response button "We wont let that happen Yuina" to read "We won't let that happen Yuina".
-Consider changing the response button "fabricating it's self" to read "fabricating itself".
-The post "Drop out of warp" task dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], Im picking up a ship ID tag" to read "[Rank], I'm picking up a ship ID tag".
-Consider changing the response button "Helms take us in" to read "Helm, take us in".
NX7 Brig Level: This is a great map design with tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider making the "Romulan Prisoner" to be triggered dialogue by placing an invisible object where the Romulan Prisoner is. Then after the player interacts with him the dialogue option goes away.
-The Fleet Admiral Vincient Skyline dialogue; consider changing "this cell is just to my right" to read "this cell is just to my left". The console is to the left of the Admiral.
NX7 Eclipse Bridge: This is a great map design with tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Daimon Uioda dialogue; consider changing "Well isn't my faviote Starship [Rank]" to read "Well if it isn't my favorite starship captain"
-Consider changing "On second though" to read "On second thought".
-The Ascended Yuina dialogue; consider changing "When im on Earth" to read "When I'm on Earth"
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and the entire series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of you work in the future.
Brian
Hi.
If you get around to it, I'd love to get reviews of my two missions. The second one was just published today. These are the first two missions I've authored so I'd love to hear views on how I can improve.
The missions are:
Uprising: Act I - Off The Grid
Uprising: Act II - The Tempest
Both are federation missions. Thank you!
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] "The time has come to see the world as it is." - Captain James T. Kirk Twitter - @SDVargo
Hi.
If you get around to it, I'd love to get reviews of my two missions. The second one was just published today. These are the first two missions I've authored so I'd love to hear views on how I can improve.
The missions are:
Uprising: Act I - Off The Grid
Uprising: Act II - The Tempest
Both are federation missions. Thank you!
Hi maninblack,
Welcome to the queue. Your missions are 13th and 14th in the queue behind donperk. I will get to your missions just as soon as I can.
Summary: This is a great mission with good map designs, excellent story dialogue, and tough but fun battles. It was a great combination of dialogue and combat combined with good map designs. I would highly recommend this mission to all players who like a great story and challenging combat.
You had a few places where you used the response button "Continue". It was not overly used however the places you did use it I would urge you to review and see if you can come up with a more appropriate response. For example it seems odd that a bridge officer, away team member or NPC contact make a statement or give the player a report and the player's response is "Continue".
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is a good start but consider adding a little more to it. You need something that will reaches out to the player and makes them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is very well written. That kind of write up is exactly what I mean about the description. They should not be a duplicate of each other but the description needs to be written more like the grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: The initial mission task should contain the location for the start of the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Reytan III: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue and a fun battle. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The post "Defeat the Assimilated Task Force" dialogue; consider changing the response button "That's Plan B. Lets see if we can learn anything first" to read "That's plan B. Let's see if we can learn anything first".
Santorini Crew Deck: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue and tough but fun battles. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing the response button "Lets hope so" to read "Let's hope so".
-The post "Access Databanks" dialogue; consider changing the response button "Message recieved" to read "Message received".
-Consider changing the response button "Alright, lets go" to read "Alright, let's go".
-For the various tasks leading up to blowing up the force field consider changing the interact animation to some sort of action like console interaction or something along those lines.
-The dialogue regarding the possible survivors; consider changing "Its not good" to read "It's not good".
Santorini Bridge: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue and tough but fun battles. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "work quickly to insure we aren't infected" to read "work quickly to ensure we aren't infected".
Santorini Engineering: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue and tough but fun battles. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-For the various tasks leading up to lowering the force field consider changing the interact animation to some sort of action like scanning or something along those lines.
-The post "Search for The Tachyon Device" dialogue; consider changing "This is a reciever console for aggregating and storing data" to read "This is a receiver console for aggregating and storing data".
-Consider changing "but its at such a high energy state" to read "but it's at such a high energy state".
-Consider changing the "Talk to Inactive Drone" interaction to be an invisible object so you can label it something like "Examine inactive drone" or something along those lines.
Reytan III Ascendant: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue and tough but fun battles. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and I really enjoyed it. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
It's been awhile, O Evil One, but I have a new Fed-allied Romulan mission for you!
Title: "[Rom] Valley of the Shadow I" (aka "Into the Valley")
ID: ST-HBHYVOLP6
Author: @NCC-89471
Allegiance: Federation/Romulan
Level: 31+
Estimated play time: 60-75 minutes
You can post your feedback on this thread, or on the thread I created for the VotS trilogy I have planned.
Thanks again...
Federation Mission - "[Rom] Valley of the Shadow I" (aka "Into the Valley")
Author: NCC-89471
Allegiance: Federation/Romulan
Project ID: ST-HBHYVOLP6
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission with excellent story dialogue, challenging battles, and good map designs. I thoroughly enjoyed the mission and hardly noticed the length as I was riveted to my seat with the story and action. I would highly recommend this mission to anyone who likes excellent story combined with good map design and some challenging battles to keep the mission moving.
Below are a few things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is okay but needs a little more story to draw the player in make them want to click the 'Hail' button. Consider cutting down the "RECENT CHANGES" and adding more of the story to this description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant and follow on dialogue are very well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: The initial mission task is very well done with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
MAPS: 1: S.S. Xhosa II bridge: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
2: Nivay IV capital city: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
3: Resistance tunnels: This is a great map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
4: Tal Shiar compound: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue I noted one item to consider changing:
-There is a respawn point message that comes up on the screen. Is there an optional combat that can be triggered? Or did you have a combat planned for this map that you removed? If it is the latter one then consider removing the respawn point.
5: Holochamber 6: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
6: Tal Shiar compound: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue and challenging battles. I noted one item to consider changing:
-In a Nivay IV capital city map that follows this one the dialogue refers to us freeing the prisoners. That was not an option on this map unless it was an optional mission. If it was then you need to change that to become an actual part of the mission or otherwise add it as an objective on this map.
7: Nivay IV capital city: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are at least two sets of dialogue where the screen indicates the NPC is the Engineering Officer but the NPC in the window is my Science Officer. It confused me at first until I read who it was supposed to be. Consider changing the NPC image to be the Engineering Officer as the label indicates.
-On this map the response button dialogue refers to us freeing the prisoners on the previous map. There was no option on that map unless it was an optional mission. If it was then you need to change that map to make the freeing of the prisoners an objective on that map and for the mission.
8: Nivay system: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue and challenging battles. The optional battles following the required ones were a nice touch. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I have one observation:
-Consider adding dialogue that is triggered once the player goes to warp if they destroy any of the optional enemy mobs. You could tailor it to the number of enemy mobs the player eliminates along the way.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job designing this mission and the series sounds intriguing. I look forward to playing/reviewing the follow up missions in this series as well as more of your work in the future.
Brian
My first Foundry mission, which I originally meant as a standalone. It came out longer than I expected so I've made it a two-parter.
Mission Name: "Bait and Switch" Author: StarSwordC Minimum Level: none Allegiance: Federation Project ID: ST-HMVK8ZDAT Estimated Mission Length: Measured it at 1.5 hours when beta-testing.
"Great War! / And I cannot take more! / Great tour! / I keep on marching on / I play the great score / There will be no encore / Great War! / The War to End All Wars"
— Sabaton, "Great War"
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Thank you Brian... I will certainly revisit this mission. Again, thank-you so much!!
6: Tal Shiar compound: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue and challenging battles. I noted one item to consider changing:
-In a Nivay IV capital city map that follows this one the dialogue refers to us freeing the prisoners. That was not an option on this map unless it was an optional mission. If it was then you need to change that to become an actual part of the mission or otherwise add it as an objective on this map.
7: Nivay IV capital city: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are at least two sets of dialogue where the screen indicates the NPC is the Engineering Officer but the NPC in the window is my Science Officer. It confused me at first until I read who it was supposed to be. Consider changing the NPC image to be the Engineering Officer as the label indicates.
-On this map the response button dialogue refers to us freeing the prisoners on the previous map. There was no option on that map unless it was an optional mission. If it was then you need to change that map to make the freeing of the prisoners an objective on that map and for the mission.[/COLOR][/URL].
Thanks again for your review.
In Map 6, planting the plasma charge inside the wall is, in fact, how you free the prisoners (even though you don't get to see them being freed), by disrupting the building's power grid long enough to drop the forcefields surrounding them. The dialogue in that map explains this. I did not have you free them when you passed by them earlier because then I'd have to explain why they then just stand around (as I have no way to make them follow me).
The science/engineering officer issue has nothing to do with my mission; it is a known bug in the game itself that I have reported to Cryptic, and that the devs have acknowledged.
In Map 6, planting the plasma charge inside the wall is, in fact, how you free the prisoners (even though you don't get to see them being freed), by disrupting the building's power grid long enough to drop the forcefields surrounding them. The dialogue in that map explains this. I did not have you free them when you passed by them earlier because then I'd have to explain why they then just stand around (as I have no way to make them follow me).
In STO, it's typical to have people beam up when they are freed rather than have them follow you. If that doesn't violate the story premise (like there's something interfering with transporters) then that may be a better choice for you and will feel less awkward.
Hey, not sure if your still doing this, but mind running through my Mission Missing from the Mirror. You reviwed it before, but I had to make some changes to the story due to change of environment at Drozanna,
In STO, it's typical to have people beam up when they are freed rather than have them follow you. If that doesn't violate the story premise (like there's something interfering with transporters) then that may be a better choice for you and will feel less awkward.
That would, in fact, violate the story's premise on three counts. One is that the player's ship isn't anywhere near Nivay IV at the time. The other two I won't spoil here.
Also, the assets I'm using to keep the prisoners inside are Captivity Device 02, which have baked-in forcefields and no equivalent asset without the forcefields baked in. So, I can't actually show the forcefields being deactivated either.
Sorry for not conducting any reviews this last weekend. My daughter just got married in San Francisco and then we attended the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass festival in Golden Gate Park over the weekend. The wedding was great and the concert in the park was a lot of fun.
I will be trying to get back into the reviews this coming weekend.
My first Foundry mission, which I originally meant as a standalone. It came out longer than I expected so I've made it a two-parter.
Mission Name: "Bait and Switch" Author: StarSwordC Minimum Level: none Allegiance: Federation Project ID: ST-HMVK8ZDAT Estimated Mission Length: Measured it at 1.5 hours when beta-testing.
Hi Starwordc,
Welcome to the queue. Your mission is currently 13th in the queue behind maninblack. I am planning on getting back into the queue this weekend and will get to your mission as soon as I can.
In Map 6, planting the plasma charge inside the wall is, in fact, how you free the prisoners (even though you don't get to see them being freed), by disrupting the building's power grid long enough to drop the forcefields surrounding them. The dialogue in that map explains this. I did not have you free them when you passed by them earlier because then I'd have to explain why they then just stand around (as I have no way to make them follow me).
That is a good reason but consider adding a short dialogue involving that as they pass the prisoners. Even though you have dialogue that explains it the player passing by without saying anything just feels odd. Consider adding dialogue that is triggered as the player passes the prisoners explaining the plan to them.
The science/engineering officer issue has nothing to do with my mission; it is a known bug in the game itself that I have reported to Cryptic, and that the devs have acknowledged.
Interesting, I have never seen that issue in any of my missions. It just seemed odd and I try to be a thorough as I can. As it says in my reviews, the observations made in my reports are yours to do with as you please.
I enjoyed the mission and would recommend it to all players.
Hey, not sure if your still doing this, but mind running through my Mission Missing from the Mirror. You reviwed it before, but I had to make some changes to the story due to change of environment at Drozanna,
Hi Varzec,
Yes, I still conduct in-depth mission reviews although it can take a little longer to get them done. Welcome to the queue. Your mission is currently 14th behind starswordc. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Sorry for not conducting any reviews this last weekend. My daughter just got married in San Francisco and then we attended the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass festival in Golden Gate Park over the weekend. The wedding was great and the concert in the park was a lot of fun.
OT, but Congratulations, Evil70th! It sounds like you had a great weekend.
Mission name: Of Morals and Ethics
Author: voporak
Minimum level: 35
Allegiance: Fed
Project ID: ST-HEA5OL86A
Estimated length: 40-60 minutes, depending on how much and how fast you read the dialogue (it's important to knowing what's going on), according to my friends.
Might I request a review for my latest mission, "Alliances and Alignments"? It's been published for a few days now, but it hasn't received any ratings. Kind of sad...
Thank you!
Author, "Facing the Past" and "Stepping Over the Line" (a duology), "Venus Unveiled", "Worlds of the Federation", and "Alliances and Alignments"
Member, Shadowbroker
Not linear
Comments
Federation Mission - A time to search
Author: lincolninspace
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HLFRSWRPV
Report Start
Summary: For your first mission you did quite well. Your map designs are quite advanced for a first time author and I really enjoyed them, especially the detailed design of the "Erstwhile V interior" map. The mission premise is outstanding and I like the way you wrote it. Despite the issues discussed below I would still recommend this mission to other players. I had fun and really enjoyed the mission.
I noted on several of the maps the use of [MissionInfo] feature versus the [OOC] feature when trying to distinguish the difference between the dialog and a description of something the player is doing to help drive the story. As I mentioned the use of the [OOC] feature has been used in many Foundry missions including my own. It is typically used in conjunction with [Rank] and/or [LastName] in the dialogue box to distinguish it as the players dialogue when it is too long for the response button field. Speaking of the response button field, you should choose to either enter the response in that field or use the [OOC] method I just described above, not both. If you use the [Rank] and/or [LastName] in conjunction with the [OOC] feature you can then use just the [OOC] feature to describe actions being taken such as "[OOC]You tap your comm. Badge[/OOC]". The [MissionInfo] feature should only be used to describe things in the mission the player needs to remember or tasks they need to complete. On several maps it seemed to jump around and was being used for dialogue and tasks. It will be easier if you pick a method and stick with it throughout the mission.
The use of triggered dialogue for conversations and interactions that is not required for the story. The normal method of making a NPC on the map an optional contact that really serves no purpose to the story. What the player sees is a large amount of "I" icons on the map. This can confuse the map and clutter it with a lot of useless points the player must go to determine they serve no purpose in the story. I usually recommend using triggered optional dialogue along the most likely path the player will take to get somewhere on the map. The benefit of this is once the player has interacted with the optional dialogue it goes away. It can also be used to trigger events. For example the Nausicaan mob confrontation. If this was an optional dialogue the player could trigger a fire fight or avoid it depending on the choice they make. It would make the story more interesting and provide the player with the option to avoid a fight or bring one on.
The last real issue I had was the larger number of "Interact" buttons spread throughout the mission. Most of them where optional interactions and I think that is why you did not fill them in with a description. The problem with not filling them in is the player does not know what they need to interact with and what they do not. It can also become confusing for you the author when you are trying to edit the mission. You need to fill them in with the specific interaction. It is the same with the optional triggered interactions and dialogue I mention above. It will also help to flesh out the story a little more for the players.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a short but interesting description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is very well written grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: You should include the start location for the first custom map in the initial task to include the sector block. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: : This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Deep space observatory: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Recommend using triggered dialogue for conversations and interactions that are not required for the story. I will note it on each map and cover it in detail in the summary.
-The "Speak to L'var" dialogue; consider changing "I have been looking forward your arrival" to read "I have been looking forward to your arrival".
-I am less strict regarding the use of contractions by Vulcan's but I am trying to remember the last Vulcan I heard use one. You also do not mention he is half Rigellian and Vulcan until much later on in the dialogue.
-The use of a colloquialism by a Vulcan seems unlikely unless he set it up with something along the lines of "As the British might say, dealing with cheeky 19 year olds". I think it would make the story flow better.
-The use of [OOC] dialogue to simulate the player speaking is widely used in many missions I have reviewed and I also use it in my missions. I will note it on each map and cover it in detail in the summary.
-The use of [MissionInfo] dialogue should be used to highlight specific things in a mission for the player to note. I will note it on each map and cover it in detail in the summary.
-The "Recieve Transmission" task should read "Receive Transmission".
-The "Capt. Kurland" dialogue; consider changing "Well [Rank], My contact one of the" to read "Well [Rank], my contact is one of the".
-The "Garak" dialogue; consider changing "Well yes captain [LastName], My security forces" to read "Well yes Captain [LastName], my security forces".
Observatory: space: This is a nice map design but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Because of the nature of this map you should name it a more neutral name. You should name it something like "Space" or something along those lines.
-The planet we are heading to is already visible on the other side of the transwarp conduit.
-Consider reorienting the planet and transwarp conduit on the map to face east to west and use the effect WeatherStarStreaks East-West 01. That effect looks better than the North-South effects.
-Consider removing the "Admiral Vo'reen" and related dialogue completely. It serves no purpose in the story and is an unnecessary distraction.
-The response button "A captain never abandons his crew" and "to heck with our orders" would both be rendered void by removing the Admiral Vo'reen dialogue, but if you decide to keep that dialogue then consider changing "to heck with our orders" to read "To heck with our orders".
Droxine City Spaceport: This is a good and very detailed map design. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Scan when passing through the arch appears to be off center and the origin of the beam is in the middle of the arch.
-Recommend optional conversations and interactions use triggered dialogue. Additionally label the button with what the interaction is rather than leaving the default "Interact".
-The use of [OOC] dialogue.
-The use of [MissionInfo] dialogue.
-The cough bit is funny and would add to the story but when you make the player run to try and gain access to the city it seems unlikely. Consider changing this to add dialogue that allows the player to clear the medical exam. Then have them use the lift behind the Chief medical hologram. This would also alleviate the need for the Droxine City map. If you are going to have the player still try and escape at least put some low level enemy mobs for the player to fight before escaping through the hatch.
Droxine City: This is a very good map design with fun optional battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Recommend optional conversations and interactions use triggered dialogue.
-The use of [OOC] dialogue.
-The use of [MissionInfo] dialogue.
-I did notice that several of the enemy mobs for optional combat are mislabeled as Nausicaan fighters and not Ministry of Health.
-The "Contact ship again" dialogue; consider changing the response button "Great,make it quick" to read "Great, make it quick".
-The leap off the building to change maps is a fun little feature but is also unnecessary to the story. Consider changing the beam out point to be at the top of that building and not have the player leap off the top.
Dive bar: This is a good map design with several details and well written story dialogue. I liked the "Beam up to the S.S. Erstwhile V" effect. That was very well done. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Recommend optional conversations and interactions use triggered dialogue.
-The use of [OOC] dialogue.
-The use of [MissionInfo] dialogue.
-The "Profile" dialogue; the two human crewman have [MissionInfo] dialogue for their names but the Caitian and Toltarian crewman have no [MissionInfo] dialogue for their names. Consider making it consistent for all NPC profiles.
-Consider changing the response button "What would he want with my men" to read "What would he want with my crew".
-Consider changing "[MissionInfo]you and whispers)Plus the Thot[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]you and whispers) Plus the Thot[/MissionInfo]".
-Consider reducing the number of freighter captains the player asks to no more than 3. The other 4 become tedious very quickly. I did like the playing the game one so I would keep that one.
-Consider having the player sit on a real chair and have Doro appear from a chair next to them. It did not seem to come off the way you had planned. Doro and my character where right on top of each other.
-The "Doro" dialogue; consider moving the period between "blockade runner" and "My Captain". Additionally Doro's dialogue should not be optional. It should be part of the story.
-The "Butler Okona" dialogue; consider changing the response button "The Thot has some of my men as captives" to read "The Thot has some of my crew as captives".
-The "First Officer" dialogue; consider changing "And its not like" to read "And it's not like"
-Consider changing "Beside you promised to help" to read "Besides you promised to help".
-Consider removing the Nausicaan mob as they do not seem to add anything to the story. Additionally, one of the mob members is an Orion female.
-The "Talk to Kell" dialogue; she refers to the player as Captain in one portion of the dialogue and the by [Rank] in the other. Consider making it one or the other throughout the whole dialogue.
Moon surface: This is a good map design with fun optional combat and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The shuttle craft is hovering above the ground. Consider placing it on the ground and adding the Kell character to the map sitting outside the shuttle to interact with.
-Recommend labeling all buttons with what the interaction is rather than leaving the default "Interact".
-The use of [MissionInfo] dialogue.
Abandoned Mine: This is a good and very detailed map design. The story dialogue is well written but requires a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "set charges" to read "Set charges".
-Consider changing "set explosive" to read "Detonate explosive"
-Consider changing having the player move back away from the explosive to detonate them.
-Recommend labeling all buttons with what the interaction is rather than leaving the default "Interact".
-For the placement of the second charge you seem to have multiple interact buttons there. Consider removing excess buttons.
-The "Doro" dialogue seemed odd since she was nowhere around the crewmen when I found them. Consider adding Doro to appear when her dialogue starts. That means you will have to make a separate trigger for that if you want her to appear just as her dialogue starts.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "use a stealthy approach to in vestigate the ship" to read "use a stealthy approach to investigate the ship".
-Consider changing "I can dock usto one of the maintenance tubes" to read "I can dock us at one of the maintenance tubes".
Erstwhile V interior: This is a great map design and your use of one map for the whole interior is very well done. The story dialogue is very well written but requires a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Recommend labeling all buttons with what the interaction is rather than leaving the default "Interact".
-The initial dialogue can be set to start without using a button to trigger it.
- For the open hatch you seem to have multiple interact buttons there. Consider removing excess buttons. Additionally consider designing the open hatch task to create an opening in the floor for the player to drop through. This can be done by designing that portion of the deck with individual grates. That would be better than just making the color disappear.
-Consider changing the flushing the Breen out into space into a fight with a low level mob. The player does not actually see the Breen get sucked out into space until it is done. I was not sure what was happening until I turned around after I reactivated the force field.
-The "Doro in disguise" was cute but adding nothing to the story. Consider removing it.
-The turbo lift to the "Medical Bay" was slightly lower than the deck.
-The use of [OOC] dialogue.
-The use of [MissionInfo] dialogue.
-The Warp Core intermix interaction needs to have a purpose other than optional dialogue. If you change it to triggered dialogue it will go away after the player achieves the goal you intended.
-The entrance to the bridge appears to have at least 3 doors. It appears that this is because the bridge you designed is slightly higher than where the player enters from the turbo lift. Consider removing the extra doors and building steps if you need to have the bridge elevated.
Kinjun IV: This is a nice map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue to wrap up the mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of [OOC] dialogue.
-The use of [MissionInfo] dialogue.
-Consider changing the "Hail Trajan" task to a triggered invisible object. Then when that dialogue is over you can make the ship disappear.
-Consider adding your thank you dialogue to the end of the "Hail Trajan" dialogue. Having the player fly to your position just to have you say "Thanks for playing" is unnecessary and annoying.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. Do not be discouraged by the length of the report above. For a first time author you did an amazing job in developing this mission and once you tweak it you will have an outstanding mission that everyone will enjoy. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 09/04/2013 on forum posting for: A time to Search by @lincolninspace
Federation Mission - Contact Squared
Author: eldil1
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HDKD38CDP
Report Start
Summary: This is a really good mission, especially considering it is your first mission. The map designs are outstanding, especially the Warp Ship Durken maps. The battles are fun until the last few maps where they become tougher. The story dialogue is excellent but needs a little polishing here and there. The mission is more like an hour to an hour and half but I would still highly recommend this mission to other players but not on Elite.
Below I mention apparently random capitalized words in the dialogue on every map. During the mission the author should reduce the number of distractions as much as possible. Random capitalization of words is most likely not something that everyone would catch but then you did ask me to look.
Conference
Warp Project
Explosive
Timer
Power
Heard
Gas Giant
This list is not inclusive of every instance in the mission dialogue but is intended to give you the idea of what to look for. I did not find any rank capitalization issues at all.
The use of branching dialogue in a mission can be a great way to take a story on a map in a particular direction. When dealing with dialogue coming from a computer it is perfectly acceptable to have the player return to a central dialogue menu. However when dealing with branching NPC or BOFF dialogue returning the player to the exact same root dialogue can be tedious and also distract from the story. Setting up a diminishing response menu option can be time consuming for the author but it does make for better story telling. Based on your work on this mission you have most likely used some tutorials. I have used many of the tutorials on Starbase UGC covering many topics for using the Foundry.
One last thing, I mention below on each map is the use of triggered optional dialogue and tasks. You are already using objects for triggered dialogue and tasks that work pretty well. If you are using objects you have to hide I would suggest using invisible objects on space, ground, and interior maps. I typically use the 10FT invisible object for triggered dialogue and tasks. Some of dialogue, objects and tasks need a little adjustment in when they become visible or disappear. For optional dialogue a good rule of thumb is it should only remain visible if the player may need to refer back to it. This is where the visibility triggers come in handy. Once a player has passed the task where the optional dialogue would help it should be removed. That is one of the reasons I push the triggered optional dialogue and discourage the NPC optional dialogue.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant and follow on dialogue were well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: The initial mission task should have the start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
MAPS:
Malcor III: This is a good map design with fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Initial dialogue; consider changing "Captain, the Malcorian Space Station is Hailing us" to read "Captain, the Malcorian Space Station is hailing us".
-The "Commander Alrin Kaleth" dialogue; consider changing "aboard the Warp Vessel for a small dedication ceremony" to read "aboard the warp vessel for a small dedication ceremony"
-The "Hail the Shuttle" dialogue; consider changing "Captain, the Shuttle's transponder code doesn't match" to read "Captain, the shuttle's transponder code doesn't match"
-The "Admiral Flores" dialogue; consider changing "Tread Carefully Captain" to read "Tread carefully Captain".
-Consider changing the response button "Lets try hailing them one more time" to read "Let's try hailing them one more time".
-The "Shuttle Pilot" dialogue; consider changing "Filthy Aliens" to read "Filthy aliens".
-The "Rescue the Chancellor" dialogue; consider changing "I can't, Sir" to read "I can't, sir
-Consider changing "They're leaking Radiation" to read "They're leaking radiation"
-Consider changing "get me within Five Kilometers" to read "get me within five kilometers".
-Consider changing "hit a Quantum filament" to read "hit a quantum filament".
-Consider using invisible objects for your triggers. They will show up on the mini-map as long as they are part of the task. I will note this other maps and cover it in the summary above.
-You have a number of what appear to be random capitalized words in both dialogue and response buttons. There are several examples are above. From this point I will note the maps I find them on and cover it in my summary above.
-The post "Deliver Shuttle Crew" dialogue; consider changing "We had recieved credible" to read "We had received credible".
-The use of "Go Back" to take the player to the previous selection so they can continue is a little annoying. Consider having continuous dialogue trees where possible. You actually did have reducing choices for dialogue directions on later maps. I will note this other maps and cover it in my summary.
Warp Ship Durken: This is a great map design with several fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider correcting apparently random capitalized words.
-Consider adding a task before the "Return to the Admiral" where the player to roams around the room and talk to the other NPCs.
-Consider using triggered optional dialogue instead of optional NPC contact dialogue. The triggered optional dialogue can be set to go away after the player interacts with it or remain. I will cover this in my summary above.
-Consider having continuous dialogue trees where possible.
-Consider adding interaction animation for the player interactions with objects and consoles.
-The "Crewman Mirik Dranel" dialogue; consider changing "codes were reset after the attack.We don't keep" to read codes were reset after the attack. We don't keep".
Malcor VII: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider correcting apparently random capitalized words.
-Consider having continuous dialogue trees where possible.
-Consider using invisible objects for your triggers.
-Consider changing "Thank Captain [LastName], Once again" to read "Thank you Captain [LastName], once again".
Garth System: This is a great map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider correcting apparently random capitalized words.
-Consider using invisible objects for your triggers.
-Consider changing "Captain, Who is attacking us" to read "Captain, who is attacking us".
Warp Ship Durken: This is a great map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider correcting apparently random capitalized words.
-Consider using triggered optional dialogue.
-Consider adding interaction animation for the player interactions with objects and consoles.
-Consider having continuous dialogue trees where possible.
-The post "Disable Coolant system" dialogue; consider changing "I've disnengaged the safeties" to read "I've disengaged the safeties"
-The "New devices" were already visible before we engaged the Borg. Consider making them appear after the second or third "Hold off the Borg" task.
-The button for interacting with "Isrin" has the default "Interact" label. Consider changing the button to read "Check Isrin" or something along those lines. Also consider making the button appear after the plasma leak has been sealed and the fire is out.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and I really enjoyed it. I look forward to playing/reviewing the second part to this mission and more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 09/06/2013 on forum posting for: "Contact Squared Part 1"
Okay, so I should get back to the focus outlined in the title of this article. I have posted my "Best Practices" piece a while back and in there I mention using scripts. In many of my reviews over the past year when I point out discrepancies in the plot of mission or other things that detract from the story I have recommended the author use a script. I have been using scripts for years in animation work that I do on the side, so it was a natural thing for me to use in the creation of my Foundry missions. It occurs to me in all my recommendations and the Best Practices piece I never provided an example of the script I use, so I will provide an example of one with explanations for each one.
The first section is an important for creating a mission.
Mission Title: Your mission name
Project ID: Assigned when you create the mission.
Allegiance: Federation or Klingon
Level: This depends on the mission elements too.
Description: This is a summary of the story to help you figure out what the purpose of the mission is. This will also help you write a summary that will draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button.
Cast:
This is optional but is recommend to help you keep track of your characters and make sure you create the ones you need.
Grant Mission Dialog:
This is used to write the dialogue that will make the player want to click the 'Accept' button. You can of course add follow on dialogue that occurs after the player has accepted the mission.
Map Name: The name of the map you are going to create
Map Type: This is for your notes on the map type. Is it Space, Ground, or Interior?
Map Description This is for your notes on the map. For example; Space with "Weather Starstreaks WestEast 01" effects, class "Y" planet, and class "D" moon. Triggered interaction animation "Coming from warp" with "Weather Starstreaks WestEast 01" effects disappear, while planet and moon appear.
Map Transfer: This is for your notes. For example; Earth Space Dock > Your Map Name
Map Text: This becomes your initial mission task. For example; Enter Bridge from panel across from Transporter Room ESD.
NPC: This is the dialogue from the NPC who is speaking to the player. The NPC part is usually whoever the NPC is., For example; Tactical Officer (Bridge).
Button: This is the entry button to your map. For example; Energize.
Mission Task: This is the task from the mission story section. For example; Explore the ruins.
NPC: As above this is where I write the dialogue from an NPC that the player will read. The NPC is where I put the name or title of whomever the layer is speaking with.
Response: This is where I put the player response to the dialogue.
If the dialogue has multiple responses I number each one and indicate that on the NPC dialogue that matches that button. It helps for more complex dialogue. Speaking of more complex dialogue, I recommend you use reducing response buttons to dialogue rather than having the player return to the same dialogue with the same responses to choose another. It is a little more work but I think it makes the story flow better. The only time I use a repeating dialogue with the same response buttons over and over is for database entries in a computer or something along those lines.
For Reach Markers:
Reach Marker: What is it?
NPC: Is there NPC dialogue?
Response: What is the player response button?
For Interaction:
Mission Task: What is the interaction in the story? For example; Initial scan
Interact: What is the interaction button? For example; Scan
If the is enemy combat:
Engage Enemy 1 of 3
Engage Enemy 2 of 3
Engage Enemy 3 of 3
Below is the entire script template I use for you to copy and paste into Word for your own use.
Script Example
Mission Title:
Project ID:
Allegiance:
Level: 16+
Description: [Rank] [LastName], (STORY SUMMARY)
[OOC] Authors Notes:
Heavy dialog with some combat.
Estimate length;
minutes with full dialog.
with "Skip Dialog".[/OOC]
Cast:
Summary:
Authors Note:
Grant Mission Dialog:
Map Name:
Map Transfer:
Map Text:
NPC:
Button:
Mission Task:
NPC:
Response:
NPC:
Response:
Mission Task:
NPC:
Response:
NPC:
Response:
Optional Response: I would like to move on please. (Skip Dialog)
NPC Optional Response:
Response: Got it. Thanks...
Reach Marker:
NPC:
Response:
Mission Task:
NPC:
Response:
Map Name:
Map Transfer:
Map Text:
NPC:
Button:
Mission Task:
Interact:
NPC:
Response:
Mission Task:
Engage Enemy 1/3
Engage Enemy 2/3
Engage Enemy 3/3
NPC:
Response:
NPC:
Response:
End Mission
End Example
I hope this helps and if you have any questions please let me know.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
I've got a first-time effort for you to look at, if you could:
Mission Name: The Sins of the Fathers
Author: @donperk
Minimum Level: 16+
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HHAYT6KPV
Estimated Mission Length: 2 hours (story heavy)
The player takes on a character who wise-cracks with his/her crew, but is respectful and business-like with everyone else. The dialog has an on-going sense of humor set against a serious story line. The overall concept is POV (point of view) and how people's different POV's can challenge what is believed to be the real story.
There are plenty of battles -- and they fit the story line, they aren't just thrown in. But this is story-centered and lore heavy.
I have started a project thread here and will be posting some screen caps to it later tonight.
Thank you!
Hi Donperk,
Welcome to the queue and to the Foundry. I am glad my reviews have helped you along the way to developing your first mission.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - The Wave Empire Ep.5
Author: skyline45
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HNN7Z42LT
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission with several tough battles, well written story dialogue, and is a nice wrap up to the series. The map designs are good with nice designs. The battles are very tough on most of the maps but not unbeatable; I just would not recommend it on Elite level. The story dialogue is well written and serves to drive the story forward. I would highly recommend this mission to all players who enjoy those elements in combination.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Your orders are to meet with Fleet Admiral Vincient Skyline, and follow out his orders" to read "You are to meet with Fleet Admiral Vincient Skyline, and follow his orders".
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: The initial task should contain the starting point for the first custom map to help the player find your mission starting point.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Waveloid Warp Gate: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider triggering the anomaly formation after the Gate Keeper conversation.
Animus System: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Waveloid Border Control dialogue; consider changing "please all stop" to read "please come to all stop".
Waveloid Celebration Center: This is a good map design and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider checking the seated NPCs around the tables. Several of them are seated above the seats.
-The Fleet Admiral Vincient Skyline dialogue; consider changing "that only you and the cew you trust" to read "that only you and the crew you trust".
-Consider changing "follow my orders that are on that data disk out immediately" to read "carry out my orders on that data disk immediately".
-The Captain Yuina Skyline dialogue; consider changing "The celebration was just getting started" to read "The celebration is just getting started".
-Consider changing the response button "This doesn' count as our dinner, now does it" to read "This doesn't count as our dinner, now does it".
Deep Space: This is a great map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Star Streak Warp effect you are using seems to have an issue. If you are using WeatherStarStreaks East-West 01 then I suggest you report it to Cryptic. If not then I suggest you replace the effect with the WeatherStarStreaks East-West 01.
-The post "Disable both ships" dialogue; consider changing "One of the escorts have been destroyed" to read "One of the escorts has been destroyed".
Federation Cruiser 5 Emissary Shuttle Bay: This is a great map design with tough battles and good story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Federation Cruiser 5 Emissary Bridge: This is a great map design with tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Did you take out all thse Misthi alone" to read "Did you take out all these Misthi alone".
-The Ascended Yuina dialogue; consider changing "has now recieved the blessing" to read "has now received the blessing".
-Consider changing the response button "Then we have are next destination" to read "Then we have our next destination".
Daimon Uioda's Base of Operations: This is a great map design with tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "Appraoching the coordinates [Rank]" to read "Approaching the coordinates [Rank]".
-The invisible object you have to trigger the "Drop out of warp" task is labeled "Invisible Object - 10ft". Consider relabeling it "Drop out of warp".
-Consider changing "coordinates that Fleet Admiral Skyine gave us" to read "coordinates that Fleet Admiral Skyline gave us".
-Consider changing the response button "Helms take us in" to read "Helm, take us in".
-The post "Scan Damaged Colony" dialogue; consider changing "multiple contacts de-cloaking on our position" to read "multiple vessels de-cloaking all around us".
-Consider changing the response button "Helms, follow that warp trail" to read "Helm, follow that warp trail".
-The Ascended Yuina dialogue; consider changing "My brother recieved word from our planet" to read "My brother received word from our planet".
-Consider changing the response button "We wont let that happen Yuina" to read "We won't let that happen Yuina".
-Consider changing the response button "fabricating it's self" to read "fabricating itself".
-The post "Drop out of warp" task dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], Im picking up a ship ID tag" to read "[Rank], I'm picking up a ship ID tag".
-Consider changing the response button "Helms take us in" to read "Helm, take us in".
NX7 Brig Level: This is a great map design with tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider making the "Romulan Prisoner" to be triggered dialogue by placing an invisible object where the Romulan Prisoner is. Then after the player interacts with him the dialogue option goes away.
-The Fleet Admiral Vincient Skyline dialogue; consider changing "this cell is just to my right" to read "this cell is just to my left". The console is to the left of the Admiral.
NX7 Eclipse Bridge: This is a great map design with tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Daimon Uioda dialogue; consider changing "Well isn't my faviote Starship [Rank]" to read "Well if it isn't my favorite starship captain"
-Consider changing "On second though" to read "On second thought".
-The Ascended Yuina dialogue; consider changing "When im on Earth" to read "When I'm on Earth"
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and the entire series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of you work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 09/22/2013 on forum posting for: The Wave Empire Series.
If you get around to it, I'd love to get reviews of my two missions. The second one was just published today. These are the first two missions I've authored so I'd love to hear views on how I can improve.
The missions are:
Uprising: Act I - Off The Grid
Uprising: Act II - The Tempest
Both are federation missions. Thank you!
"The time has come to see the world as it is." - Captain James T. Kirk
Twitter - @SDVargo
Hi maninblack,
Welcome to the queue. Your missions are 13th and 14th in the queue behind donperk. I will get to your missions just as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
"The time has come to see the world as it is." - Captain James T. Kirk
Twitter - @SDVargo
Federation Mission - Violations and Resistance
Author: commodoreobvious
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HQ6ATCLJD
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission with good map designs, excellent story dialogue, and tough but fun battles. It was a great combination of dialogue and combat combined with good map designs. I would highly recommend this mission to all players who like a great story and challenging combat.
You had a few places where you used the response button "Continue". It was not overly used however the places you did use it I would urge you to review and see if you can come up with a more appropriate response. For example it seems odd that a bridge officer, away team member or NPC contact make a statement or give the player a report and the player's response is "Continue".
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is a good start but consider adding a little more to it. You need something that will reaches out to the player and makes them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is very well written. That kind of write up is exactly what I mean about the description. They should not be a duplicate of each other but the description needs to be written more like the grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: The initial mission task should contain the location for the start of the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Reytan III: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue and a fun battle. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The post "Defeat the Assimilated Task Force" dialogue; consider changing the response button "That's Plan B. Lets see if we can learn anything first" to read "That's plan B. Let's see if we can learn anything first".
Santorini Crew Deck: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue and tough but fun battles. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing the response button "Lets hope so" to read "Let's hope so".
-The post "Access Databanks" dialogue; consider changing the response button "Message recieved" to read "Message received".
-Consider changing the response button "Alright, lets go" to read "Alright, let's go".
-For the various tasks leading up to blowing up the force field consider changing the interact animation to some sort of action like console interaction or something along those lines.
-The dialogue regarding the possible survivors; consider changing "Its not good" to read "It's not good".
Santorini Bridge: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue and tough but fun battles. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "work quickly to insure we aren't infected" to read "work quickly to ensure we aren't infected".
Santorini Engineering: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue and tough but fun battles. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-For the various tasks leading up to lowering the force field consider changing the interact animation to some sort of action like scanning or something along those lines.
-The post "Search for The Tachyon Device" dialogue; consider changing "This is a reciever console for aggregating and storing data" to read "This is a receiver console for aggregating and storing data".
-Consider changing "but its at such a high energy state" to read "but it's at such a high energy state".
-Consider changing the "Talk to Inactive Drone" interaction to be an invisible object so you can label it something like "Examine inactive drone" or something along those lines.
Reytan III Ascendant: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue and tough but fun battles. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and I really enjoyed it. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 09/29/2013 on forum posting for: [URL=" http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/showthread.php?t=756491"]Mission feedback request[/URL].
Federation Mission - "[Rom] Valley of the Shadow I" (aka "Into the Valley")
Author: NCC-89471
Allegiance: Federation/Romulan
Project ID: ST-HBHYVOLP6
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission with excellent story dialogue, challenging battles, and good map designs. I thoroughly enjoyed the mission and hardly noticed the length as I was riveted to my seat with the story and action. I would highly recommend this mission to anyone who likes excellent story combined with good map design and some challenging battles to keep the mission moving.
Below are a few things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is okay but needs a little more story to draw the player in make them want to click the 'Hail' button. Consider cutting down the "RECENT CHANGES" and adding more of the story to this description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant and follow on dialogue are very well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: The initial mission task is very well done with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
MAPS:
1: S.S. Xhosa II bridge: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
2: Nivay IV capital city: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
3: Resistance tunnels: This is a great map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
4: Tal Shiar compound: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue I noted one item to consider changing:
-There is a respawn point message that comes up on the screen. Is there an optional combat that can be triggered? Or did you have a combat planned for this map that you removed? If it is the latter one then consider removing the respawn point.
5: Holochamber 6: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
6: Tal Shiar compound: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue and challenging battles. I noted one item to consider changing:
-In a Nivay IV capital city map that follows this one the dialogue refers to us freeing the prisoners. That was not an option on this map unless it was an optional mission. If it was then you need to change that to become an actual part of the mission or otherwise add it as an objective on this map.
7: Nivay IV capital city: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are at least two sets of dialogue where the screen indicates the NPC is the Engineering Officer but the NPC in the window is my Science Officer. It confused me at first until I read who it was supposed to be. Consider changing the NPC image to be the Engineering Officer as the label indicates.
-On this map the response button dialogue refers to us freeing the prisoners on the previous map. There was no option on that map unless it was an optional mission. If it was then you need to change that map to make the freeing of the prisoners an objective on that map and for the mission.
8: Nivay system: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue and challenging battles. The optional battles following the required ones were a nice touch. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I have one observation:
-Consider adding dialogue that is triggered once the player goes to warp if they destroy any of the optional enemy mobs. You could tailor it to the number of enemy mobs the player eliminates along the way.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job designing this mission and the series sounds intriguing. I look forward to playing/reviewing the follow up missions in this series as well as more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 09/29/2013 on forum posting for: [URL=" http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/showthread.php?t=806901&page=3"]"Valley of the Shadow" mission series semi-official discussion thread[/URL].
Mission Name: "Bait and Switch"
Author: StarSwordC
Minimum Level: none
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HMVK8ZDAT
Estimated Mission Length: Measured it at 1.5 hours when beta-testing.
— Sabaton, "Great War"
Check out https://unitedfederationofpla.net/s/
Thank you Brian... I will certainly revisit this mission. Again, thank-you so much!!
Thanks again for your review.
In Map 6, planting the plasma charge inside the wall is, in fact, how you free the prisoners (even though you don't get to see them being freed), by disrupting the building's power grid long enough to drop the forcefields surrounding them. The dialogue in that map explains this. I did not have you free them when you passed by them earlier because then I'd have to explain why they then just stand around (as I have no way to make them follow me).
The science/engineering officer issue has nothing to do with my mission; it is a known bug in the game itself that I have reported to Cryptic, and that the devs have acknowledged.
My Foundry missions | My STO Wiki page | My Twitter home page
In STO, it's typical to have people beam up when they are freed rather than have them follow you. If that doesn't violate the story premise (like there's something interfering with transporters) then that may be a better choice for you and will feel less awkward.
That would, in fact, violate the story's premise on three counts. One is that the player's ship isn't anywhere near Nivay IV at the time. The other two I won't spoil here.
Also, the assets I'm using to keep the prisoners inside are Captivity Device 02, which have baked-in forcefields and no equivalent asset without the forcefields baked in. So, I can't actually show the forcefields being deactivated either.
Thanks anyway.
My Foundry missions | My STO Wiki page | My Twitter home page
Sorry for not conducting any reviews this last weekend. My daughter just got married in San Francisco and then we attended the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass festival in Golden Gate Park over the weekend. The wedding was great and the concert in the park was a lot of fun.
I will be trying to get back into the reviews this coming weekend.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi Commodore,
Glad I could help. Keep up the good work.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi Starwordc,
Welcome to the queue. Your mission is currently 13th in the queue behind maninblack. I am planning on getting back into the queue this weekend and will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi Cougar,
Glad I could help. I had fun playing your mission. Keep up the good work.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi Ashkrik,
Your mission is currently 7th in the queue behind mildago. I have made a lot of progress in the queue and plan to continue this weekend.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
That is a good reason but consider adding a short dialogue involving that as they pass the prisoners. Even though you have dialogue that explains it the player passing by without saying anything just feels odd. Consider adding dialogue that is triggered as the player passes the prisoners explaining the plan to them.
Interesting, I have never seen that issue in any of my missions. It just seemed odd and I try to be a thorough as I can. As it says in my reviews, the observations made in my reports are yours to do with as you please.
I enjoyed the mission and would recommend it to all players.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi Varzec,
Yes, I still conduct in-depth mission reviews although it can take a little longer to get them done.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
OT, but Congratulations, Evil70th! It sounds like you had a great weekend.
Thank you for the update.
Author: voporak
Minimum level: 35
Allegiance: Fed
Project ID: ST-HEA5OL86A
Estimated length: 40-60 minutes, depending on how much and how fast you read the dialogue (it's important to knowing what's going on), according to my friends.
Thank you!
Member, Shadowbroker
Not linear