tonganjediMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 3Arc User
edited May 2013
A dwarf walks into a Neverwinter pub and orders three ales.
The barkeep brings him the three ales, and the dwarf proceeds to alternately drink one, then the second, then the third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them freshly drawn, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you another one as soon as you're low."
The dwarf says, "Ye don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Waterdeep and one in Baldur's Gate. We made a vow to each other that every tenday, we'd drink together. So right now, me brothers have three ales, too."
The barkeep thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every tenday he sets up the dwarf's three ales. Then one tenday, the dwarf comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The barkeep says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The dwarf replies, "Oh, me brothers are fine -- I just quit drinkin'."
What did the half-Orc say to the crippled war veteran? "Daddy!"
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peppermint9Member, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Hero Users, Neverwinter Guardian Users, Neverwinter Knight of the Feywild UsersPosts: 2Arc User
edited May 2013
There was a Half Elf married couple who had 9 kids. Well one day they walked into the doctors office. The Half Elf man says to the doctor I want to get fixed. The doctor says (as he scratches his head) WHY after 9 children do you want to get fixed? Well we have heard that 1 out 10 Half Elf children being born will know how to speak Tiefling... and we don't know how to speak Tiefling!
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mrtardmcqueenMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 1Arc User
edited May 2013
Target audience: clerics
Imagine his torguelike holyness.
___
GETOUTTAMYWAY! Is this thing on? Alright...
OKAY! NOW LISTEN UP, YOU LAZY BAPTISMWATER GARGELING WIMPS!
This is bishop Steelboon and I recently founded a new temple here in Neverwinter!
But it's not just ANY temple!
IT'S A FREAKING BULWARK OF FAITH AND RIGHTEOUSNESS, WHERE YOU CAN LEARN TO RECITE THE HELL OUT OF ANY LITANY!
True to our motto: EXERCISE TO EXORCISE, I'll give you the promise - NO!- THE BISHOP STEELBOON GUARANTEE, THAT I'LL TURN YOUR PATHETIC PREACHINGS INTO A FULL-FLEGED PROPHECY OF DOOM!
SO DON'T MAKE ME DRAG YOU OVER HERE! MOVE IT! NOW!
What's more deadly than a dragon with bad dice rolls?
Animated wooden log with lucky dice rolls.
Seriously, learned it the hard way.
sorry for OT but mine dwarf character (Gadar) was killed by incredibly lucky rat (normal rat)
boy i hated that yellow dice that DM was using:mad:
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shadowgate1Member, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Hero UsersPosts: 1Arc User
edited May 2013
Famous Last Words of Every Adventurer, "Their just Kobolds."
I smell.....an Orc.
Jokes for Elves
"A half breed isn't an elf."
"I love nature, the trees, the birds, Ouch! Not bees, no no, not those.....oh....its a hive. Run...RUN!!! AHH!!!!!
"It is not the fact you can't find our cities, its the fact they are disguised as a tree."
"How many drow's does it take to light a torch? None they can see in the dark."
"I love my Half-elven brethren. They make good canon fodder."
Dwarf Jokes
"Ale, dwarfs best friend."
"I used to live in a mountain, it was cold, dirty, and smelly. Just like a dead Orc."
"The finest of all dwarven women have thick curly beards."
"No no we have dwarven women, some just have thicker beards then the men."
"Where are the gnomes"
"I told myself I was going to quit drinking, but I went one day sober, and realized, what am I doing I got to have me Ale just to look at those bloody elves."
"Half-orcs." Starts laughing. "Yeah, you know what I'm thinking."
Half-Elves
"I'm an Elf, I'm a Human, I'm an elf, I'm a human. SPOCK! HELP! Oops Wrong game."
"Two Orcs walked in a bar. They were shot on site."
"Yes, my brethren Elves, there is a lot of nice things to say about them. Belligerent, Arrogant, and Dogmatic. Just put them together and you get BAD. BAD ELF BAD!
Halflings
"Hey give me a boost."
"My Sword is much bigger then me."
"I just love being short, everyone forgets that I'm here."
"I know the stream only comes up to your calf, but geez, help me across that is over my head."
"I need me a pet Orc, so I can put a saddle on his head and yell. High Ho, Belvedere away."
Drow
"Yes, I miss Drizzit, he was an upstanding....man.
"I am not like my brethren, I don't live in trees."
"Ba, Human I don't need a torch...AH!!!!!"
"There is more stories about a single drow than about any dwarf in this realm."
"The Spider Queen. Ha, I am not.....*Gulp* Scared."
Human
"Why do I always get stuck as the fighter."
"Quick give me your sword. No not that one, the other one."
"I know I don't live as long as Elves, but come on, what I can learn in 3 months it takes an Elf 30 years."
"Elves are slow learners, I learned things in 18 years that took an Elf 85 years to learn."
Half-orcs
"Sometimes I pee in the horse tree."
"Smash? SMASH!"
"Is it eatable?"
"I don't know which I like better, raw meet or cooked."
"I'm an Orc, I'm a Human. I'm an Orc. I'm a Human. Spock? Is he eatable?"
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koltzanMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 2Arc User
edited May 2013
Here's a limerick for all you rouges....I mean....rogues....
I knew a thief who bested a gnoll,
Who once found a chest on a knoll.
Went down on one knee.
Said, "Looks safe to me."
Then fell in the trap of a hole.
(Valindra has a Trickster Rogue cornered in Castle Never)
Trickster Rogue: Give it up Valindra, this castle is surrounded by 1000 fully armored Clerics with the entire Neverwinter army to back them up. Would you believe that? 1,000 Clerics and the entire army of Neverwinter.
Valindra: I find that hard to believe.
Trickster Rogue: Would you believe 50 Clerics and a rabid dog?
Valindra: I don't think so.
Trickster Rogue: How about Old Jerry with a Swiss Army Knife?
A half Orc is riding along a dusty trail, when he spots another half Orc trying to row a boat through a cornfield. He calls out to his fellow Orc : "You know, it's guys like you that make our race look bad, and if I knew how to swim, I'd come out there and tear you up!"
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] Leader of the Light Warriors, Come join us ;D
Never Play a Dwarf
Three halflings were sitting at a bar.
A dwarf walks in and sits next them.
The halflings looked at each other and began whispering.
They all reached into their pockets and pulled out a D20.
The first halfling rolled a three.
He looked at the bartender and yelled, "Get this dwarf a drink on me!"
The dwarf raised his glass and thanked the first halfling.
The second halfling rolled an eight.
He looked at the bartender and said, "Get this dwarf a room for the night, if thou be too tired or drunk to walk home!"
The dwarf was very grateful, and raised his glass in delight once more.
The third halflling rolled a twenty!
He rolled again, another twenty!
He rolled it again with the halflings all huddled around, snickering and laughing.
The dwarf leaned into the huddle and said, "What do I get?, What do I get?"
The third halfling stood up and yelled, "Bartender, get this dwarf a new character sheet!"
Player 1: All rise, D&D is now in session. Dungeon Master Trent presiding. Please be seated.
DM Trent: Good morning. Ladies, gentleman, dwarfs, orcs, halflings.....(10 minutes later)....and yes even ratfolk.
Calling the case of the "Characters you rolled last Friday" versus Dungeon Master.
Player 2: You're honor we are here today in defense of last night's encounter with the dragon....
DM Trent: Objection and Overruled. I'm the jury and the judge. Anything you say is invalid. I'm the DM. Court adjourned.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A dwarf walks in to a tavern with a piece of cobblestone under his arm and walks up to the bartender and says ill have one for me and one for the road.
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xeverius2013Member, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 15Arc User
edited May 2013
A dwarf, a halfling & a kobold walked into a bar... --all three were treated for minor head injuries. :cool:
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]"As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a flame of meaning in the darkness of mere being." --C. G. Jung
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jorgee1Member, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Hero UsersPosts: 1Arc User
edited May 2013
What did the Sergeant of the Guard find in the privy? The Captains log!
What do you call three halflings standing on each other's shoulders? A short stack.
What is a Mindflayer's favorite food? Headcheese.
What did the addle-brained dwarf say when he found milk bottles in the grass? Ooo, a cows nest!
Betting Problem:
A prominent Neverwinter Guardian Fighter took his son Johnny to school and asked his teacher in private not to bet with him, for any reason, as he has a very bad habit of it. The teacher agreed but figured she would break little Johnny of this dreadful habit herself.
The teacher bet little Johnny that she could clean more desks than him in five minutes and Johnny agreed to the bet. After five minutes, the teacher had cleaned nearly all the desks and Johnny but one. "You see Johnny, you can't win every bet, so it's best not to do it at all", she said. "I get it.", said Johnny. Satisfied the lesson was learned, she ended the betting there.
The next day the teacher was surprised that little Johnny was willing to bet yet again. "I'll bet you can't wash this bag of clothes in twenty minutes teacher." said Johnny. At which the teacher accepted the bet and again won. I'm close to breaking him of this awful habit, she mused to herself.
On the third day, Johnny's father brought him to school and was very angry with the teacher. "I thought I asked you not to bet with him?!", he said. The teacher replied, "I beat him at each bet and was trying to teach him a lesson about losing bets and I feel I'm close to ridding him of his habit." At which the father shook his head and said, "You crazy lady, he bet me five gold that he'd have you cleaning the classroom and washing his clothes in two days!"
Heh heh, just my stab at some humor. If anything, I hope someone enjoyed these and maybe even got a laugh out of them. Good luck all!
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mcclleinMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 11Arc User
edited May 2013
A halfling want to exchange a lamp, what is that it asks for the control wizard? ENTAGLING FORCE, PLEASE !
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hienplMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 7Arc User
edited May 2013
Why does the sun always shine over Neverwinter Castle?
Because the GM never want you to sleep.
Old Dwarf Tuk had worked down at the Neverwinter brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.
The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow of Tuk of her old Dwarf's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Tuk passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."
She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"
"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.
A beholder goes to the optomestrist. He asks if he can use contacts instead of his monocle, the optomestrists goes Dont you mean conTACT?! R.I.P. optomestrist.
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cronoskillMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 2Arc User
edited May 2013
One Orc turns to the other and says "Does this food smell rotten or is it just me?"
A dwarven woman walks by a pet shop with a parrot in the window. The parrot says "Hey lady! You're ugly!" The woman gets all flustered and walks away quickly.
On her way back, she passes by the store again, and the parrot says "Hey lady! You're ugly!" Furious, she storms into the store and yells at the owner with all sorts of threats. He appoligizes and says it won't happen again.
The next day, she walks by the store and the parrot says "Hey lady!" She looks over and says "Yes?", to which he replies "You know."
Comments
The barkeep brings him the three ales, and the dwarf proceeds to alternately drink one, then the second, then the third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them freshly drawn, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you another one as soon as you're low."
The dwarf says, "Ye don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Waterdeep and one in Baldur's Gate. We made a vow to each other that every tenday, we'd drink together. So right now, me brothers have three ales, too."
The barkeep thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every tenday he sets up the dwarf's three ales. Then one tenday, the dwarf comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The barkeep says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The dwarf replies, "Oh, me brothers are fine -- I just quit drinkin'."
Imagine his torguelike holyness.
___
GETOUTTAMYWAY! Is this thing on? Alright...
OKAY! NOW LISTEN UP, YOU LAZY BAPTISMWATER GARGELING WIMPS!
This is bishop Steelboon and I recently founded a new temple here in Neverwinter!
But it's not just ANY temple!
IT'S A FREAKING BULWARK OF FAITH AND RIGHTEOUSNESS, WHERE YOU CAN LEARN TO RECITE THE HELL OUT OF ANY LITANY!
True to our motto: EXERCISE TO EXORCISE, I'll give you the promise - NO!- THE BISHOP STEELBOON GUARANTEE, THAT I'LL TURN YOUR PATHETIC PREACHINGS INTO A FULL-FLEGED PROPHECY OF DOOM!
SO DON'T MAKE ME DRAG YOU OVER HERE! MOVE IT! NOW!
A man walks into a tavern and yells "ALL GNOMES ARE JERKS!"
A little man in the back of the tavern stands up on the table and exclaims "YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"
The man says "Why? Are you a Gnome!?"
The little man yells "No, I'm a jerk!"
Joke 2:
Question: What do you call 100 Trickster Rogues at the bottom of the Black Lake?
Answer: A good start.
boy i hated that yellow dice that DM was using:mad:
I smell.....an Orc.
Jokes for Elves
"A half breed isn't an elf."
"I love nature, the trees, the birds, Ouch! Not bees, no no, not those.....oh....its a hive. Run...RUN!!! AHH!!!!!
"It is not the fact you can't find our cities, its the fact they are disguised as a tree."
"How many drow's does it take to light a torch? None they can see in the dark."
"I love my Half-elven brethren. They make good canon fodder."
Dwarf Jokes
"Ale, dwarfs best friend."
"I used to live in a mountain, it was cold, dirty, and smelly. Just like a dead Orc."
"The finest of all dwarven women have thick curly beards."
"No no we have dwarven women, some just have thicker beards then the men."
"Where are the gnomes"
"I told myself I was going to quit drinking, but I went one day sober, and realized, what am I doing I got to have me Ale just to look at those bloody elves."
"Half-orcs." Starts laughing. "Yeah, you know what I'm thinking."
Half-Elves
"I'm an Elf, I'm a Human, I'm an elf, I'm a human. SPOCK! HELP! Oops Wrong game."
"Two Orcs walked in a bar. They were shot on site."
"Yes, my brethren Elves, there is a lot of nice things to say about them. Belligerent, Arrogant, and Dogmatic. Just put them together and you get BAD. BAD ELF BAD!
Halflings
"Hey give me a boost."
"My Sword is much bigger then me."
"I just love being short, everyone forgets that I'm here."
"I know the stream only comes up to your calf, but geez, help me across that is over my head."
"I need me a pet Orc, so I can put a saddle on his head and yell. High Ho, Belvedere away."
Drow
"Yes, I miss Drizzit, he was an upstanding....man.
"I am not like my brethren, I don't live in trees."
"Ba, Human I don't need a torch...AH!!!!!"
"There is more stories about a single drow than about any dwarf in this realm."
"The Spider Queen. Ha, I am not.....*Gulp* Scared."
Human
"Why do I always get stuck as the fighter."
"Quick give me your sword. No not that one, the other one."
"I know I don't live as long as Elves, but come on, what I can learn in 3 months it takes an Elf 30 years."
"Elves are slow learners, I learned things in 18 years that took an Elf 85 years to learn."
Half-orcs
"Sometimes I pee in the horse tree."
"Smash? SMASH!"
"Is it eatable?"
"I don't know which I like better, raw meet or cooked."
"I'm an Orc, I'm a Human. I'm an Orc. I'm a Human. Spock? Is he eatable?"
I knew a thief who bested a gnoll,
Who once found a chest on a knoll.
Went down on one knee.
Said, "Looks safe to me."
Then fell in the trap of a hole.
Trickster Rogue: Give it up Valindra, this castle is surrounded by 1000 fully armored Clerics with the entire Neverwinter army to back them up. Would you believe that? 1,000 Clerics and the entire army of Neverwinter.
Valindra: I find that hard to believe.
Trickster Rogue: Would you believe 50 Clerics and a rabid dog?
Valindra: I don't think so.
Trickster Rogue: How about Old Jerry with a Swiss Army Knife?
A Trickster rouge walks into the same bar and goes "Ow!, how did it see me?"
A good ol game a toss the dwarf
A: One less drunk.
Arguing with a Dungeon Master is like arguing with your girlfriend. You can never...
Actually, nevermind, none of you can relate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never Play a Dwarf
Three halflings were sitting at a bar.
A dwarf walks in and sits next them.
The halflings looked at each other and began whispering.
They all reached into their pockets and pulled out a D20.
The first halfling rolled a three.
He looked at the bartender and yelled, "Get this dwarf a drink on me!"
The dwarf raised his glass and thanked the first halfling.
The second halfling rolled an eight.
He looked at the bartender and said, "Get this dwarf a room for the night, if thou be too tired or drunk to walk home!"
The dwarf was very grateful, and raised his glass in delight once more.
The third halflling rolled a twenty!
He rolled again, another twenty!
He rolled it again with the halflings all huddled around, snickering and laughing.
The dwarf leaned into the huddle and said, "What do I get?, What do I get?"
The third halfling stood up and yelled, "Bartender, get this dwarf a new character sheet!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
D&D Court
Player 1: All rise, D&D is now in session. Dungeon Master Trent presiding. Please be seated.
DM Trent: Good morning. Ladies, gentleman, dwarfs, orcs, halflings.....(10 minutes later)....and yes even ratfolk.
Calling the case of the "Characters you rolled last Friday" versus Dungeon Master.
Player 2: You're honor we are here today in defense of last night's encounter with the dragon....
DM Trent: Objection and Overruled. I'm the jury and the judge. Anything you say is invalid. I'm the DM. Court adjourned.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call three halflings standing on each other's shoulders? A short stack.
What is a Mindflayer's favorite food? Headcheese.
What did the addle-brained dwarf say when he found milk bottles in the grass? Ooo, a cows nest!
Betting Problem:
A prominent Neverwinter Guardian Fighter took his son Johnny to school and asked his teacher in private not to bet with him, for any reason, as he has a very bad habit of it. The teacher agreed but figured she would break little Johnny of this dreadful habit herself.
The teacher bet little Johnny that she could clean more desks than him in five minutes and Johnny agreed to the bet. After five minutes, the teacher had cleaned nearly all the desks and Johnny but one. "You see Johnny, you can't win every bet, so it's best not to do it at all", she said. "I get it.", said Johnny. Satisfied the lesson was learned, she ended the betting there.
The next day the teacher was surprised that little Johnny was willing to bet yet again. "I'll bet you can't wash this bag of clothes in twenty minutes teacher." said Johnny. At which the teacher accepted the bet and again won. I'm close to breaking him of this awful habit, she mused to herself.
On the third day, Johnny's father brought him to school and was very angry with the teacher. "I thought I asked you not to bet with him?!", he said. The teacher replied, "I beat him at each bet and was trying to teach him a lesson about losing bets and I feel I'm close to ridding him of his habit." At which the father shook his head and said, "You crazy lady, he bet me five gold that he'd have you cleaning the classroom and washing his clothes in two days!"
Heh heh, just my stab at some humor. If anything, I hope someone enjoyed these and maybe even got a laugh out of them. Good luck all!
Because the GM never want you to sleep.
Old Dwarf Tuk had worked down at the Neverwinter brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.
The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow of Tuk of her old Dwarf's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Tuk passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."
She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"
"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.
It is a scream!
"Wrap" music!
What did the vegetarian Zombie want? Graaaaains!
On her way back, she passes by the store again, and the parrot says "Hey lady! You're ugly!" Furious, she storms into the store and yells at the owner with all sorts of threats. He appoligizes and says it won't happen again.
The next day, she walks by the store and the parrot says "Hey lady!" She looks over and says "Yes?", to which he replies "You know."