I don't care what anyone says, Hellboy couldn't lift a finger against my level 60 control wizard.
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mj1978Member, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 2Arc User
edited May 2013
So what if Valindra has an army of Gnolls, Undead at her beck and call, and a Blue Dragon. I've got this shiny orb. See. It's all shiny. And orb..ish. I so got this.
A Kobold walks into a tavern and orders some Ale.
He gets kicked out and is told "NO MINERS"
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bargas123Member, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Hero UsersPosts: 1Arc User
edited May 2013
How many drow does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-Nobody knows, they don't bother. They have darkvision.
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co1americanvalorMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Hero UsersPosts: 3Arc User
edited May 2013
There once was a knave who was bragging
about the time that he bested a dragon.
He neglected to mention during all the attention,
that the dragon was on the side of his flagon.
Few are the Heroes upon this Globe who deserve the reward of Michelob, drink up heroes.
The Dungeon Party reach their objective. The end boss! After a lengthy and albeit moving evil guy speech the DM asks what everyone does. The Barbarian raises his axe and yells a battle cry! The Cleric casts protections on everyone. The Rogue poisons his daggers. The Wizard readies a spell. The Monk rolls his 20 sided dice and rolls a 20!
The DM asks what the roll was for. The Monk replies with an all serious face, "For how bad my <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font> just stunk. It looks like I crited."
With no other alternative after much laughter to the point of unconsciousness, the DM declares the end Boss has liquefied from the monk's "Putrid Winds" attack.
Went to a halflings wedding recently. I didn't like him, I just wanted to see if he vanished when he put the ring on.
Cheer yourself up at the next funeral you go to by hiding astral diamonds in your black suit today.
I Sometimes wish you were more like Idris.
Dead
I was speaking to a wizard that had mastered the steal time spell the other day and I asked him what he'd learnt about the importance of time. The wizard looked deep in thought for a while before explaining the importance of time largely depends upon which side of the bathroom door you are on.
Just like astral diamonds during the Caturday economy exaggerations went up by a million percent on the forums last weak.
"Maybe it's just your charm spell, but your hotness is overcoming my fire resistance."
What's worse the finding a worm in your apple?....Finding a WYRM in your apple
"An adventurer walks in to a crowded tavern to gather information. When he sits down at his table, a fat woman opposite says, "You know, if you were a gentleman, you'd stand up and let someone else sit down." The adventurer responds with, "If you were a lady, you'd stand up and let four people sit down."
Sorcerer: Knock Knock
Wizard: Whose there?
What? Would you be quiet I'm practicing my spell.
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snakethaticMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
Two dwarfs walk into a bar.
The first dwarf, turns to the bartender and starts to say, "egha nu vidlao da seg, shruma ken"
The second dwarf turns to the first and says, "what?"
A cleric was travelling along a path through the woods one day, when three enormous trolls came out of the trees and started stomping towards him. Knowing he couldn't possibly match the trolls' strength, he fell to his knees, grasping his symbol of Amaunator and praying, "Amaunator, grant me this favor, and please let these trolls be pious and faithful followers of thee."
When he opened his eyes and looked back at the trolls, he was surprised to find all three of the trolls also on their knees praying, one of them grasping a symbol of Amaunator. Feeling relieved, he got up and walked towards the trolls, but as he got closer he heard their prayer: "Amaunator, bless this food, may it give us the strength to do thy will..."
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cyberranger71Member, NW M9 PlaytestPosts: 46Arc User
edited May 2013
How many Drow's does it take to screw in a light bulb. None they can see in the dark.
There was a Dwarf an Elf a Human and a Half Orc with a car door strapped to his arm walking down the road. The Dwarf Asks the Half Orc what is that and where did you get it. The Half Orc turns to the Dwarf and rolls down the car door window and says. I don't know it just makes for a great shield. :P
A Cleric, Mage and Thief are gathered around a table laden with books and multiple dice. The Fighter asks, "What are you guys doing?"
The Mage replies, "We're playing this new game where we assume the role of twenty-first century accountants and students trying to make their way through an asphalt jungle!"
A dwarf rogue walks up to his local leather worker and notices he is wearing a pear of pants with a horse reigns hanging out the front. The Dwarf says "Isn't that uncomfortable?" The leather worker replies "Yeah, its driving me nuts!"
It turns out the cave is a dragons lair, and they are ill prepared to face the great wyrm.
They all die and find themselves before Kelemvor, who states: "I have an offer to make you. If any of you can beat me at a game of your choice, I will allow you to return to the realm of the living."
The Cleric challenges the god of death to a duel of wits. Kelemvors wisdom is unmatched, and the cleric is humiliated in a battle of riddles.
The warrior challenges the deity to a drinking contest. Kelemvor doesn't even become tipsy when the warrior collapses to the ground, drunk and ridiculed.
Last, the rogue challeges the deity to a game of hide and seek, the playing field being the entire realm of the living and the time limit being an entire week. "You are it." says the rogue as they arrive at the realm of the living, and Kelemvor vanishes in a magical mist.
The rogue takes his time traveling. He heads for the cave. He walks up to the dragon. He kicks the dragon in the buttocks. He is roasted alive by the great wyrm.
Kelemvor comes to claim his soul once more, and the rogue replies: "Found you."
A while back, the Temple of Tyr, in the City of Neverwinter, lost its bell ringer in a freak accident. The Temple posted the position on the local job boards, but no one applied for the position. Finally, after several weeks, an armless dwarf came to the Temple and inquired about the bell ringer position. “Um, not to be insensitive,” said the interviewing fryer, “but you don't have any arms. How are you going to ring the bell?” “Well,” said the dwarf, “I used to be a fighter, but I lost my arms fighting pirates off the Sword Coast. Now that my fighting days are over, I still need to make a living and this bell ringer position sounds like a good job for me.” “But,” said the fryer, “how are you going to ring the bell with no arms?” “Give me a chance, and I'll show you.”, replied the dwarf. Reluctantly, the fryer agreed, primarily because no one else had even applied for the job, let alone come in for an interview.
The dwarf raced up the stairs to the top of the steeple. He backed up to the edge of the floor, and ran straight at the bell, ramming it with his face. *BONG*, went the bell. The dwarf, a little dazed, shook himself off, backed up to the edge of the floor, and ran at the bell a second time. *BONG* The dwarf shakes himself off again, and backs up a third time, charges at the bell, but this time misses and goes flying off the other end of the steeple, crashing into the ground and dies. All the other fryers come running out to see what happened. Seeing there was nothing they could do, they picked up the body and prepared it for a nice funeral. The priest turned to the interviewing fryer and asked, “Who was that?” “I don't know,” said the fryer, “but his face sure does ring a bell.”
The very next day, another dwarf with no arms comes and interviews for the still open bell ringer position. The same interviewing fryer comes out and upon seeing him, says, “I'm sorry, but the last applicant had no arms and fell off the steeple trying out for the position. I just can't let you have it.” “Aye, I heard my twin brother fell off the steeple.”, said the dwarf, “But that's why I'm here – to honor his memory and get the job that he had failed getting.” “But it's just too dangerous for you.”, protested the fryer. “Look,” says the dwarf, “my brother was the clumsy one – I'm the athlete in the family. I assure you, I can do this job.” Once again, the fryer reluctantly agrees to let the brother try.
Like his brother, the dwarf races up the stairs, backs up to the edge, and runs straight at the bell. *BONG* The dwarf repeats a second time. *BONG* And the third time, like his brother, the dwarf charges at the bell, but misses and goes flying off the steeple, crashing into the ground and dies. After preparing his body, the priest turned to the interviewing fryer, “And who was that?”, he asked. “I don't know,” replied the fryer, “but he's a dead ringer for that other dwarf.”
"...At least it tells us they understand our language; they're just not willing to speak to us in it. -Who knew they were French?"
s10diabloMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 2Arc User
edited May 2013
Why is Neverwinter like an old pair of pants?
The more time you spend in em, the more they need to be patched!
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keldonukMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 1Arc User
edited May 2013
Jesus Saves
..for half damage!
How do you get a one armed goblin out of a tree?
Wave to him.
Q: What do you call an orc with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
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krewcifyMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
A Great Weapon Fighter comes home very drunk from the pub with a Duck under his arm, his wife answers the door "what's this?" The Great Weapon Fighter replies "this is the dragon i've been shaggin' The angry wife shouts "That is not a Dragon that is a duck" The Great Weapon Fighter looks at her and says "I was talking to the duck!
What do you call a Tiefling with a briefcase? A lawyer.
What's black and blue and red all over? A tiefling in a brawl
Ogre: Whats the difference between an Infernal Nightmare and a group of dead adventurers? I don't have an Infernal Nightmare in my stables.
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krewcifyMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
A half-orc walks into a bar high up in one of the towers of Sharn and starts drinking. After tossing back quite a few, he notices a small crowd gathered around a handsome blonde paladin at the end of the bar as he tells a story.
"I swear on Pelor's honor, I've done it myself - if you jump out that window over there, you'll fly three times around the building and land safely on the ground by the door! It's the powerful winds that blow around these high towers - they're strong enough to carry a fully-armored person..."
Everybody just laughs, but the paladin insists he's serious.
Several hours go by, as the half-orc gets deeper and deeper into his cups, and every so often the golden-haired paladin tells his story to a new group of admirers who've just come in. Every time he keeps insisting that the high winds blowing around the towers will catch a man jumping from the window and deposit him safely on the ground.
So the half-orc, who's very drunk by now, eventually wanders over to the paladin and says,"Hey, you, gold-hair, you tellin da truth? You can really fly juz by jumpin out dat window?"
"Sir," says the paladin,"I am a paladin of Pelor - I do not lie. I can indeed jump out the window, and fly three times around the building before I land safely by the door."
"Oh, yeah, little man? Lessee ya prove it."
And with a hearty laugh, the plate-armored paladin strides up to the window and dives out head first.
The stunned half-orc rushes to the window to see the tall blonde man indeed flying three loops around the tower before landing safely.
When the paladin comes back into the bar, the half-orc says,"Hey, little man, you say anybody can do dat? You said it sumptin bout da high winds cuz o' da towers?"
"I did indeed, my good green friend - you should try it yourself."
The half-orc isn't too sure, since he doesn't really like heights, but after a few more encouraging words from the golden-haired paladin he finds himself perched on the window ledge.
The half-orc spreads his arms like a bird as he prepares to soar, and leaps out into the air. Only to plummet sixteen stories onto the street outside.
As the paladin chuckles softly to himself and walks back to the bar, the bartender grumbles, "Y'know, Krew, for an Aasimar, you're a real Troll...
"A wizard, a warrior and a rogue all walk into a bar; they failed their Spot check."
Also not really a joke; but more of a funny story. During a game one of our players gets a call from his very irate wife; while she was chewing him out over something, one of our other players starts calling to him "Quick! Use Diplomacy on her! Use your Diplomacy!" heh.
Comments
He gets kicked out and is told "NO MINERS"
-Nobody knows, they don't bother. They have darkvision.
about the time that he bested a dragon.
He neglected to mention during all the attention,
that the dragon was on the side of his flagon.
The DM asks what the roll was for. The Monk replies with an all serious face, "For how bad my <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font> just stunk. It looks like I crited."
With no other alternative after much laughter to the point of unconsciousness, the DM declares the end Boss has liquefied from the monk's "Putrid Winds" attack.
I've landed myself in it now.
Went to a halflings wedding recently. I didn't like him, I just wanted to see if he vanished when he put the ring on.
Cheer yourself up at the next funeral you go to by hiding astral diamonds in your black suit today.
I Sometimes wish you were more like Idris.
Dead
I was speaking to a wizard that had mastered the steal time spell the other day and I asked him what he'd learnt about the importance of time. The wizard looked deep in thought for a while before explaining the importance of time largely depends upon which side of the bathroom door you are on.
Just like astral diamonds during the Caturday economy exaggerations went up by a million percent on the forums last weak.
He wanted to be able to Detect Wevil.
What's worse the finding a worm in your apple?....Finding a WYRM in your apple
"An adventurer walks in to a crowded tavern to gather information. When he sits down at his table, a fat woman opposite says, "You know, if you were a gentleman, you'd stand up and let someone else sit down." The adventurer responds with, "If you were a lady, you'd stand up and let four people sit down."
And that's all ive got =(
Wizard: Whose there?
What? Would you be quiet I'm practicing my spell.
The first dwarf, turns to the bartender and starts to say, "egha nu vidlao da seg, shruma ken"
The second dwarf turns to the first and says, "what?"
When he opened his eyes and looked back at the trolls, he was surprised to find all three of the trolls also on their knees praying, one of them grasping a symbol of Amaunator. Feeling relieved, he got up and walked towards the trolls, but as he got closer he heard their prayer: "Amaunator, bless this food, may it give us the strength to do thy will..."
There was a Dwarf an Elf a Human and a Half Orc with a car door strapped to his arm walking down the road. The Dwarf Asks the Half Orc what is that and where did you get it. The Half Orc turns to the Dwarf and rolls down the car door window and says. I don't know it just makes for a great shield. :P
The Mage replies, "We're playing this new game where we assume the role of twenty-first century accountants and students trying to make their way through an asphalt jungle!"
...
...
A.C. Moore!
It turns out the cave is a dragons lair, and they are ill prepared to face the great wyrm.
They all die and find themselves before Kelemvor, who states: "I have an offer to make you. If any of you can beat me at a game of your choice, I will allow you to return to the realm of the living."
The Cleric challenges the god of death to a duel of wits. Kelemvors wisdom is unmatched, and the cleric is humiliated in a battle of riddles.
The warrior challenges the deity to a drinking contest. Kelemvor doesn't even become tipsy when the warrior collapses to the ground, drunk and ridiculed.
Last, the rogue challeges the deity to a game of hide and seek, the playing field being the entire realm of the living and the time limit being an entire week. "You are it." says the rogue as they arrive at the realm of the living, and Kelemvor vanishes in a magical mist.
The rogue takes his time traveling. He heads for the cave. He walks up to the dragon. He kicks the dragon in the buttocks. He is roasted alive by the great wyrm.
Kelemvor comes to claim his soul once more, and the rogue replies: "Found you."
The dwarf raced up the stairs to the top of the steeple. He backed up to the edge of the floor, and ran straight at the bell, ramming it with his face. *BONG*, went the bell. The dwarf, a little dazed, shook himself off, backed up to the edge of the floor, and ran at the bell a second time. *BONG* The dwarf shakes himself off again, and backs up a third time, charges at the bell, but this time misses and goes flying off the other end of the steeple, crashing into the ground and dies. All the other fryers come running out to see what happened. Seeing there was nothing they could do, they picked up the body and prepared it for a nice funeral. The priest turned to the interviewing fryer and asked, “Who was that?” “I don't know,” said the fryer, “but his face sure does ring a bell.”
The very next day, another dwarf with no arms comes and interviews for the still open bell ringer position. The same interviewing fryer comes out and upon seeing him, says, “I'm sorry, but the last applicant had no arms and fell off the steeple trying out for the position. I just can't let you have it.” “Aye, I heard my twin brother fell off the steeple.”, said the dwarf, “But that's why I'm here – to honor his memory and get the job that he had failed getting.” “But it's just too dangerous for you.”, protested the fryer. “Look,” says the dwarf, “my brother was the clumsy one – I'm the athlete in the family. I assure you, I can do this job.” Once again, the fryer reluctantly agrees to let the brother try.
Like his brother, the dwarf races up the stairs, backs up to the edge, and runs straight at the bell. *BONG* The dwarf repeats a second time. *BONG* And the third time, like his brother, the dwarf charges at the bell, but misses and goes flying off the steeple, crashing into the ground and dies. After preparing his body, the priest turned to the interviewing fryer, “And who was that?”, he asked. “I don't know,” replied the fryer, “but he's a dead ringer for that other dwarf.”
Great Weapon Fighter Sir George: "Yes Idris, you are that selfish, you are the only person I have ever kissed that gave me brain freeze."
(Brennus CW, Keyser Soze SW)
Foundry Quest(s): Missing in Neverwinter Wood (NW-DUH59T5XA)
The more time you spend in em, the more they need to be patched!
..for half damage!
How do you get a one armed goblin out of a tree?
Wave to him.
Q: What do you call an orc with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
http://www.youtube.com/markmapa/ http://www.sinisterswarm.com/
What's black and blue and red all over? A tiefling in a brawl
Ogre: Whats the difference between an Infernal Nightmare and a group of dead adventurers? I don't have an Infernal Nightmare in my stables.
"I swear on Pelor's honor, I've done it myself - if you jump out that window over there, you'll fly three times around the building and land safely on the ground by the door! It's the powerful winds that blow around these high towers - they're strong enough to carry a fully-armored person..."
Everybody just laughs, but the paladin insists he's serious.
Several hours go by, as the half-orc gets deeper and deeper into his cups, and every so often the golden-haired paladin tells his story to a new group of admirers who've just come in. Every time he keeps insisting that the high winds blowing around the towers will catch a man jumping from the window and deposit him safely on the ground.
So the half-orc, who's very drunk by now, eventually wanders over to the paladin and says,"Hey, you, gold-hair, you tellin da truth? You can really fly juz by jumpin out dat window?"
"Sir," says the paladin,"I am a paladin of Pelor - I do not lie. I can indeed jump out the window, and fly three times around the building before I land safely by the door."
"Oh, yeah, little man? Lessee ya prove it."
And with a hearty laugh, the plate-armored paladin strides up to the window and dives out head first.
The stunned half-orc rushes to the window to see the tall blonde man indeed flying three loops around the tower before landing safely.
When the paladin comes back into the bar, the half-orc says,"Hey, little man, you say anybody can do dat? You said it sumptin bout da high winds cuz o' da towers?"
"I did indeed, my good green friend - you should try it yourself."
The half-orc isn't too sure, since he doesn't really like heights, but after a few more encouraging words from the golden-haired paladin he finds himself perched on the window ledge.
The half-orc spreads his arms like a bird as he prepares to soar, and leaps out into the air. Only to plummet sixteen stories onto the street outside.
As the paladin chuckles softly to himself and walks back to the bar, the bartender grumbles, "Y'know, Krew, for an Aasimar, you're a real Troll...
http://www.youtube.com/markmapa/ http://www.sinisterswarm.com/
"A wizard, a warrior and a rogue all walk into a bar; they failed their Spot check."
Also not really a joke; but more of a funny story. During a game one of our players gets a call from his very irate wife; while she was chewing him out over something, one of our other players starts calling to him "Quick! Use Diplomacy on her! Use your Diplomacy!" heh.