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Cleaning D&D Jokes....

Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
edited March 2013 in Art and Fiction
It's hard to find good D&D jokes...of all the genres of jokedom, "blonde" jokes "your mama" jokes, I think D&D jokes have suffered a comedic plight unheard of in comedy history. Certainly, with the fairly recent invention of the Internet (thanks Al Gore!), MMO gaming, & Nerd Rage, we can surely overcome all obstacles and alleviate this injustice.

Within the constraints of the EULA please, tell us the best D&D jokes you've ever heard.

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-szYnvNMiQMo/TtW0ke3ZF3I/AAAAAAAAAWU/q5zxu_lGZP8/s1600/buffer.jpg

"Off topic, out of your mind, and funky like a four-armed monkey, Llllllllllet's get ready to Rumbleeeee!!" - Michael Buffordie


I'll go first....
Post edited by Archived Post on
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  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    A monk walks over to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything" and hands the vendor a $20. The monk gets his hot dog and after a minute or so says "So where's my change?" to which the vendor replies, "Change comes from within".
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    Two rangers that are out hunting for food are walking through Tangleroot Forest, and discover a large well in the ground.

    One of the rangers curious as to how deep this well was threw a small stone into and turned his head to listen............nothing. He then gathers up a larger stone, picks it up with both hands and throws it in the well, turns his head to the side to listen............nothing.

    He exclaims to his buddy, man, that is some well. Lets find something bigger to throw off in there. Well the two find a cross tie. One says to the other, pick up one side, I'll get the other. Surely when this thing hits the bottom we'll know it. So the two throw this cross-tie into the well and begin to listen.

    After a few seconds they hear a goat, wailing at the top of its lungs, while it is running straight toward the two hunters. The goat continues toward them, passes right between the men, and goes off in the well. One hunter in excitement and disbelief, proclaims to the other, did you see that crazy goat!!?? That damn thing just jumped in that well!!

    The commotion attracted the attention of a local farmer, and he made his way over to the hunters. He asked the guys, "Have you seen my goat, I cant seem to find him?"

    One of the hunters still excited tells the farmer, sure we have seen your goat. He just ran down that hill straight toward us and jumped off in this well. The farmer replies back, nah, that couldn't have been my goat, my goat was tied to a cross-tie.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    A huge amount of D&D-related jokes here: http://www.candlekeep.com/library/articles/jokes.htm

    And while not technically a joke, my favorite D&D saying (after, "Not in the face! Not in the Face!" ;) ) still is: "Meddle Not In The Affairs Of Dragons For You Are Crunchy And Taste Good With Ketchup"
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    A t-shirt I once saw at a Comic Con:

    Jesus saves, and takes 1/2 damage.

    Also: my sig, paraphrasing of myself ~ 1997
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    Hahaha, nice guys!

    Here's one of my favorites:

    A barbarian walks up to one of the accessory vendors in the marketplace to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the vendor, "How much is Barbie?"

    "Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for 90 gold, Barbie Goes to the Ball for 90 gold, Barbie Goes Shopping for 90 gold, Barbie Goes to the Beach for 90 gold, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for 90 gold, and Divorced Barbie for 1690 gold."

    "Hey, hang on," the barbarian asks, "why is Divorced Barbie 1690 gold when all the others are only 90 gold?"

    "Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    Seld The Gray Sister of Neverwinter was just shared this tome with me "Computer Technology of the 20th Century". Please enjoy....

    Remember when.......

    A computer was something on TV
    from a science fiction show of note
    a window was something you hated to clean
    And ram was the cousin of a goat

    Meg was the name of my girlfriend
    and gig was a job for the nights
    now they all mean different things
    and that really mega bytes

    An application was for employment
    a program was a TV show
    a cursor used profanity
    a keyboard was a piano

    Memory was something that you lost with age
    a cd was a bank account
    and if you had a 3.5" floppy
    you hoped nobody found out

    Compress was something you did to the garbage
    not something you did to a file
    and if you unzipped anything in public
    you'd be in jail for a while

    Log on was adding wood to the fire
    hard drive was a long trip on the road
    a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
    and a backup happened to your commode

    Cut you did with a pocket knife
    paste you did with glue
    a web was a spider's home
    and a virus was the flu

    I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
    and the memory in my head
    I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
    but when they call India for helpdesk, they'll will wish they were dead.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    Loved that poem, until I tried to determine how they wish they were dead when they died in the computer crash? Oh rhyming dictionary, where were you?
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    Loved that poem, until I tried to determine how they wish they were dead when they died in the computer crash? Oh rhyming dictionary, where were you?

    Haha glad you enjoyed it ;)
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    Loved that poem, until I tried to determine how they wish they were dead when they died in the computer crash? Oh rhyming dictionary, where were you?

    Dont.. make.. me.. change.... that... line...... :D:eek:
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    Presidential Candidates Explained Through Dungeons and Dragons Character Sheets

    Hilarious!

    http://www.funnyordie.com/lists/e0cb0351f6/presidential-candidates-explained-through-dungeons-and-dragons-character-sheets
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    I remember that poem cause I first read it after building my PC version 1.0 (athlon 1600xp+) around 1999-2000. I was 20~something and it made me feel all superior and stuff.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    /Aandre wanders in...
    /Heads to the bar....
    /Sets up and restocks...
    /Preps the food and drinks for the day...
    /Pours afternoon drinks for all...

    An elf, an orc, and a dwarf walk into a bar. Each orders a pint of beer.

    Three flies buzzing around the bar choose to land in each pint of beer.

    The elf sees the fly in his beer and exclaims "I cannot drink this filth! Bring me a fresh brew in a new glass!"

    The orc picks the fly out of his beer, tosses it over his shoulder, and starts drinking.

    The dwarf picks out the fly and begins squeezing it, yelling "SPIT IT OUT YA WEE *******! SPIT IT OUT!"
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    An elf, a dwarf, and a human walk into a bar. The halfling walks under it.


    *bows* Thank you, I'll be here all week.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    I got a halfling joke...

    An elven bard walks into a tavern and asks the crowd, "Who's dragon is that outside?"

    An older gentleman, dressed in archmage robes stands up, and replies "Mine. Why?"

    The bard somberly approaches the mage. "I regret to inform you that the halfling in our party has killed your dragon"

    "What!" erupts the archmage. "Your halfling killed Rithvaeraradace. Slayer of the Elminster, Destroyer of Cormyr, Raider of Waterdeep, Ruler of the Dales, Thorn to the Gods, and Bane of all Toril! How did this happen!?"

    The bard sheepishly looks at the archmage and replies "Well...the little guy got stuck in its throat!"
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    Good day 'ole sirs and fair maidens of Neverwinter... Raise your glasses to Tyr... this ones gonna need forgiveness...

    An elven wizard walks into a component shop and asks the merchant for a nice, ripe pound of brains.

    "I have 3 different kinds," the merchant says. "Human, Dwarf and Orc."

    "How much for the human?" the elf asks.

    "8 gold." replies the merchant.

    "Ah. Not bad," says the elf. "Dwarf may be a bit cheaper, eh?"

    "Aye," says the merchant. "6 gold."

    "Hmm.. nice. How about the orc brains?"

    "600 platinum," says the merchant.

    "600 platinum!!" exclaims the wizard. "Why in the hell are orc brains so expensive?!"

    To which the merchant replies "Do you know how many orcs I have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    To which the merchant replies "Do you know how many orcs I have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"

    Ba-DOOM-boom!
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    Good morning mates. Would you know it, this morning I have another joke for ya? Pull up yer buckets.. err, I mean chairs, and have a listen...

    Three human women were talking together about their boyfriends, and the subject of birth control came up.

    The first women said, "Because of my religion, I can't use birth control."

    The second women said, "My husband and I use the rhythm method."

    The third women, who recently fell in love with a dwarf said, "My husband and I use the bucket-and-saucer method."

    She was asked how it worked.

    She said, "I'm 5'11" and my husband is 4'2". When we have sex, he stands on the bucket. When his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    Middle week blues, man do I hate Wednesdays... think its time to show ya a prank I once pulled on my 6th grade math teacher.

    For the visual however, Id like you to think of a dwarf barbarian warrior. You know the kind that brags that he does tHE UBERZZ DPS... yet his math just doesn't quite add up. Can you think of someone like this? GOOD!

    Doing this bit years before I thought of "borrowing" their amazing work, I introduce to you the genius of the human, Abbot, and the dwarf... Costello...

    Enjoy...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo4NCXOX0p8
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    There will be no joke today, I'm only here to share a remembrance for a man that made us all laugh,

    and bring us teenagers all TOGETHER. Generation after generation after generation.

    THANK YOU, <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font> CLARK!

    http://i39.tinypic.com/2q2hlpy.jpg

    http://i41.tinypic.com/34g2a79.jpg

    http://i39.tinypic.com/2yo27gk.jpg

    <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font> Clark earned his nickname "America's oldest living teenager."

    "If you didn't go on 'American Bandstand,' you hadn't made it yet," singer Aretha Franklin said today.

    RIP. Rock In Peace.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    I got a halfling joke...

    An elven bard walks into a tavern and asks the crowd, "Who's dragon is that outside?"

    An older gentleman, dressed in archmage robes stands up, and replies "Mine. Why?"

    The bard somberly approaches the mage. "I regret to inform you that the halfling in our party has killed your dragon"

    "What!" erupts the archmage. "Your halfling killed Rithvaeraradace. Slayer of the Elminster, Destroyer of Cormyr, Raider of Waterdeep, Ruler of the Dales, Thorn to the Gods, and Bane of all Toril! How did this happen!?"

    The bard sheepishly looks at the archmage and replies "Well...the little guy got stuck in its throat!"

    This is why halflings amuse me.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    dacholas wrote:
    This is why halflings amuse me.

    It's also how halflings amuse trolls, ogres, and hobgoblins.

    And, uh, humans.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    A dwarf and an elf step into a chop house and sit at the table. The waitress asks if she could take their order.

    The Dwarf says. "I'll take the 48oz porterhouse steak. Rare. With a bottle of Dragonfire."

    The Waitress responds, "And what about the vegetable?"

    The Dwarf looks at the elf and growls, "He'll take the porterhouse too, and HE'LL LIKE IT!"
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    A dwarf woman goes for a face-lift, the cleric says, "I've got this new method: I put a <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font> in the back of your head, & everytime you feel like you need a lift, turn it." She gets the <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font> implanted & is beautiful for 5 years. One day she sees a problem & returns to the cleric. "I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains. The cleric replies, "Those aren't bags; those are <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font>." She sighs, "that explains the goatee."
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    How do you confuse a blonde Barbarian?

    Put him in a room with a Greataxe, Maul and Greatsword and tell him to take his Pick.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    A troll was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little kobald walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey troll! What are you doing? The troll said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have a hit. So the little kobald climbed up and sat next to the troll where they enjoyed a few tokes. After a while the little kobald said that he had cotton mouth and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little kobald was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little kobald and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little kobald, 'What's wrong with you?' The little kobald explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the troll in the tree, smoking marijuana, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile decided to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the troll was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and yelled up to the troll, 'Hey you!' So the troll looked down at him and said, 'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...How much water did you drink?
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    How do you confuse a blonde Barbarian?

    Put him in a room with a Greataxe, Maul and Greatsword and tell him to take his Pick.

    A smart barbarian would break the greatsword's hilt and tie it to the maul.

    --|
    > broken to --| and
    >

    =
    and
    > tie them to get


    ^
    |
    |=
    |
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    gillrmn wrote:
    A smart barbarian would break the greatsword's hilt and tie it to the maul.

    --|
    > broken to --| and
    >

    =
    and
    > tie them to get


    ^
    |
    |=
    |

    Indeed, but that barbarian lost his will after you said 'A smart barbarian..." LOL
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his crotch.
    The bartender says :
    “Did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your croch?”
    The pirate responds :
    “Arrr. It’s driven me nuts !”
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    Seven dwarfs: Brannigan, Mayce, Moraadin, Chasek, Smitey, Bruttus and Verengor go to see the Vatican of the Silver Flame and because they are the famous Stormreach Seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Arch Priest.

    Brannigan steps forward and bends down on one knee...

    "Brannigan, my son," says the Arch Bishop, "What can I do for you?"

    Brannigan asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf Nuns in the Church ?"

    The Arch Bishop wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment And answers, "No, Brannigan, there are no dwarf nuns in the Church of the Silver Flame ."

    In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

    Brannigan turns around and glares, silencing them.

    Brannigan turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all Of Stromreach ?"

    The Arch Bishop, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Brannigan, there are no dwarf nuns in Stormreach .

    "This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

    Once again, Brannigan turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

    Brannigan turns back and says, "Mr. Arch Bishop Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the whole of Xendrick?"

    The Arch, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my Son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

    The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, Pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

    "Brannigan snogged a penguin!"
    "Brannigan snogged a penguin!"
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
    edited April 2012
    How many orcs does it take to screw in a light bulb? Nine, one to hold the bulb, and eight to turn the ladder.
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