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Cleaning D&D Jokes....
Archived Post
Member Posts: 5,050,278 Bounty Hunter
It's hard to find good D&D jokes...of all the genres of jokedom, "blonde" jokes "your mama" jokes, I think D&D jokes have suffered a comedic plight unheard of in comedy history. Certainly, with the fairly recent invention of the Internet (thanks Al Gore!), MMO gaming, & Nerd Rage, we can surely overcome all obstacles and alleviate this injustice.
Within the constraints of the EULA please, tell us the best D&D jokes you've ever heard.
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-szYnvNMiQMo/TtW0ke3ZF3I/AAAAAAAAAWU/q5zxu_lGZP8/s1600/buffer.jpg
"Off topic, out of your mind, and funky like a four-armed monkey, Llllllllllet's get ready to Rumbleeeee!!" - Michael Buffordie
I'll go first....
Within the constraints of the EULA please, tell us the best D&D jokes you've ever heard.
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-szYnvNMiQMo/TtW0ke3ZF3I/AAAAAAAAAWU/q5zxu_lGZP8/s1600/buffer.jpg
"Off topic, out of your mind, and funky like a four-armed monkey, Llllllllllet's get ready to Rumbleeeee!!" - Michael Buffordie
I'll go first....
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One of the rangers curious as to how deep this well was threw a small stone into and turned his head to listen............nothing. He then gathers up a larger stone, picks it up with both hands and throws it in the well, turns his head to the side to listen............nothing.
He exclaims to his buddy, man, that is some well. Lets find something bigger to throw off in there. Well the two find a cross tie. One says to the other, pick up one side, I'll get the other. Surely when this thing hits the bottom we'll know it. So the two throw this cross-tie into the well and begin to listen.
After a few seconds they hear a goat, wailing at the top of its lungs, while it is running straight toward the two hunters. The goat continues toward them, passes right between the men, and goes off in the well. One hunter in excitement and disbelief, proclaims to the other, did you see that crazy goat!!?? That damn thing just jumped in that well!!
The commotion attracted the attention of a local farmer, and he made his way over to the hunters. He asked the guys, "Have you seen my goat, I cant seem to find him?"
One of the hunters still excited tells the farmer, sure we have seen your goat. He just ran down that hill straight toward us and jumped off in this well. The farmer replies back, nah, that couldn't have been my goat, my goat was tied to a cross-tie.
And while not technically a joke, my favorite D&D saying (after, "Not in the face! Not in the Face!"
Jesus saves, and takes 1/2 damage.
Also: my sig, paraphrasing of myself ~ 1997
Here's one of my favorites:
A barbarian walks up to one of the accessory vendors in the marketplace to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the vendor, "How much is Barbie?"
"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for 90 gold, Barbie Goes to the Ball for 90 gold, Barbie Goes Shopping for 90 gold, Barbie Goes to the Beach for 90 gold, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for 90 gold, and Divorced Barbie for 1690 gold."
"Hey, hang on," the barbarian asks, "why is Divorced Barbie 1690 gold when all the others are only 90 gold?"
"Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
Remember when.......
A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
a cd was a bank account
and if you had a 3.5" floppy
you hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when they call India for helpdesk, they'll will wish they were dead.
Haha glad you enjoyed it
Dont.. make.. me.. change.... that... line......
Hilarious!
http://www.funnyordie.com/lists/e0cb0351f6/presidential-candidates-explained-through-dungeons-and-dragons-character-sheets
/Heads to the bar....
/Sets up and restocks...
/Preps the food and drinks for the day...
/Pours afternoon drinks for all...
An elf, an orc, and a dwarf walk into a bar. Each orders a pint of beer.
Three flies buzzing around the bar choose to land in each pint of beer.
The elf sees the fly in his beer and exclaims "I cannot drink this filth! Bring me a fresh brew in a new glass!"
The orc picks the fly out of his beer, tosses it over his shoulder, and starts drinking.
The dwarf picks out the fly and begins squeezing it, yelling "SPIT IT OUT YA WEE *******! SPIT IT OUT!"
*bows* Thank you, I'll be here all week.
An elven bard walks into a tavern and asks the crowd, "Who's dragon is that outside?"
An older gentleman, dressed in archmage robes stands up, and replies "Mine. Why?"
The bard somberly approaches the mage. "I regret to inform you that the halfling in our party has killed your dragon"
"What!" erupts the archmage. "Your halfling killed Rithvaeraradace. Slayer of the Elminster, Destroyer of Cormyr, Raider of Waterdeep, Ruler of the Dales, Thorn to the Gods, and Bane of all Toril! How did this happen!?"
The bard sheepishly looks at the archmage and replies "Well...the little guy got stuck in its throat!"
An elven wizard walks into a component shop and asks the merchant for a nice, ripe pound of brains.
"I have 3 different kinds," the merchant says. "Human, Dwarf and Orc."
"How much for the human?" the elf asks.
"8 gold." replies the merchant.
"Ah. Not bad," says the elf. "Dwarf may be a bit cheaper, eh?"
"Aye," says the merchant. "6 gold."
"Hmm.. nice. How about the orc brains?"
"600 platinum," says the merchant.
"600 platinum!!" exclaims the wizard. "Why in the hell are orc brains so expensive?!"
To which the merchant replies "Do you know how many orcs I have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"
Ba-DOOM-boom!
Three human women were talking together about their boyfriends, and the subject of birth control came up.
The first women said, "Because of my religion, I can't use birth control."
The second women said, "My husband and I use the rhythm method."
The third women, who recently fell in love with a dwarf said, "My husband and I use the bucket-and-saucer method."
She was asked how it worked.
She said, "I'm 5'11" and my husband is 4'2". When we have sex, he stands on the bucket. When his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him.
For the visual however, Id like you to think of a dwarf barbarian warrior. You know the kind that brags that he does tHE UBERZZ DPS... yet his math just doesn't quite add up. Can you think of someone like this? GOOD!
Doing this bit years before I thought of "borrowing" their amazing work, I introduce to you the genius of the human, Abbot, and the dwarf... Costello...
Enjoy...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo4NCXOX0p8
and bring us teenagers all TOGETHER. Generation after generation after generation.
THANK YOU, <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font> CLARK!
http://i39.tinypic.com/2q2hlpy.jpg
http://i41.tinypic.com/34g2a79.jpg
http://i39.tinypic.com/2yo27gk.jpg
<font color="orange">HAMSTER</font> Clark earned his nickname "America's oldest living teenager."
"If you didn't go on 'American Bandstand,' you hadn't made it yet," singer Aretha Franklin said today.
RIP. Rock In Peace.
This is why halflings amuse me.
It's also how halflings amuse trolls, ogres, and hobgoblins.
And, uh, humans.
The Dwarf says. "I'll take the 48oz porterhouse steak. Rare. With a bottle of Dragonfire."
The Waitress responds, "And what about the vegetable?"
The Dwarf looks at the elf and growls, "He'll take the porterhouse too, and HE'LL LIKE IT!"
Put him in a room with a Greataxe, Maul and Greatsword and tell him to take his Pick.
A smart barbarian would break the greatsword's hilt and tie it to the maul.
--|
> broken to --| and
>
=
and
> tie them to get
^
|
|=
|
Indeed, but that barbarian lost his will after you said 'A smart barbarian..." LOL
The bartender says :
“Did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your croch?”
The pirate responds :
“Arrr. It’s driven me nuts !”
Brannigan steps forward and bends down on one knee...
"Brannigan, my son," says the Arch Bishop, "What can I do for you?"
Brannigan asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf Nuns in the Church ?"
The Arch Bishop wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment And answers, "No, Brannigan, there are no dwarf nuns in the Church of the Silver Flame ."
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Brannigan turns around and glares, silencing them.
Brannigan turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all Of Stromreach ?"
The Arch Bishop, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Brannigan, there are no dwarf nuns in Stormreach .
"This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Brannigan turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Brannigan turns back and says, "Mr. Arch Bishop Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the whole of Xendrick?"
The Arch, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my Son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, Pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
"Brannigan snogged a penguin!"
"Brannigan snogged a penguin!"