With the destruction of her toxin facility at the Wamesahau system, I'Zira has launched a full invasion on the planet of Bajor to test her new toxin. In the process, she has taken control of Deep Space Nine and the planetary defense satelites. With Vice Admiral Kovu heading to Bajor to hold off till reinforcements arrive, you must take back Deep Space Nine and the planetary defense satelites with General Karopov's assistance. Should you fail, an entire civilization will be lost and along with it, possibly many more.
Report to the Lateri system to meet with General Karopov. Level 50+
Hi Ashkrik23,
Welcome back to the queue. This mission is currently 21st in the queue behind Mignarde. I will get to it as soon as I can.
I know this isn't my thread or review, but I'd like to point out that "fleetwide" can be one word (i.e. "worldwide"), and that "tricorder's are" is actually grammatically incorrect. It might be better to go for "my tricorder's reading", given that the officer is most likely only looking at their own.
Hi Nikkojt,
I appreciate the information. The word "fleetwide" did not look correct to me. When I enter "fleetwide" in Microsoft Word it comes up as incorrect. In contrast when I enter "worldwide" it comes back correct. In the end my recommendations are just that. The author is free to use them or not.
The correction I wrote "[Rank], Tricorders are reading" to read "[Rank], tricorders are reading" was intended to correct the capitalization of the word "Tricorders" in that line. It appeared to be the results of when he inserted "[Rank]" in front of the word "tricorders". I say appeared because throughout the rest of the mission the author used "tricorder".With regard to the use of "are" vice "is" not being grammatically correct, I honestly did not look at it. Having said that, when I say it out loud using the word "is" it did not sound correct to me. My fourth grade English teacher aside, say the whole line out loud and then tell me it sounds better using "is" instead of "are" for the line. Now I do not always trust MS Word when it tells me something is grammatically correct or not but when I entered the line using "is" and then "are" it did not return a grammatical error for either one. As I stated above, in the end my recommendations are just that. The author is free to use them or not.
Thanks again for bring it up, as I am not always right when I conduct a review. I appreciate feedback to help me improve the process.
Brian
Thanks for reviewing the series Evil70th! You have made a lot of good suggestions in your review.
Regarding the "fleet wide/fleetwide" discussion, could "fleet-wide" work?
As always, I am glad I could help. It was a fun series.
The use of a tack or hyphen usually works to link two otherwise separate words. In the end, you are the author of the mission and ir is up to you how you want to handle it.
I just meant "tricorder's are", with the apostrophe, is incorrect. :P You can have "[my] tricorder's", or "[the] tricorders are", but the apostrophe doesn't work with "are".
I am NikkoJT, Foundry author and terrible player. Follow me!
There used to be a picture here, but they changed signatures and I can't be bothered to replace it.
I just meant "tricorder's are", with the apostrophe, is incorrect. :P You can have "[my] tricorder's", or "[the] tricorders are", but the apostrophe doesn't work with "are".
I am humbly submitting part 2 of my Eclipse series for your kind review
Eclipse #2: The Borg of 4028
Author: intrinsical ID: ST-HKV6A7QVE Faction: Federation Level Requirement: 41+ Length: 50+ minutes. Type: Story, Puzzle, Ground Combat, Space Combat Historian's Note: This story occurred just prior to the Special Task Force missions, "Into The Hive" and "The Hive Onslaught" Remodulators: Required EV Suits: Nice to have Synopsis:
Priority one message from Starfleet Command. We are to rendezvous with a Task Force Omega Agent at the specified coordinates in the Lackey System in Sirius Sector Block.
Just for reference, part 1 is "Eclipse #1: Komahashi Maru", which you've reviewed some time ago.
Federation Mission - Eclipse #2: The Borg of 4028
Author: intrinsical
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HKV6A7QVE
Report Start
Summary: This is a good story oriented combat mission with a good mix of tough and normal battles and well written story dialogue. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players who like a good story driven combat mission and series. I would not recommend using Elite level as I found it to be challenging enough on Normal, although I am sure the rewards would be higher on Elite.
I did mention the excessive use of the response button "Continue" on a couple of the maps. By now I think everyone knows my mind on this but just to be clear. You should use a response that is appropriate to the dialogue. If you are seeking to bridge the dialogue between two separate windows and no player response is needed then I recommend using " " to signify acknowledgement without the default entry. It concerns me as a distraction from the story. The example I like to use is a BOFF says "Enemy vessel de-cloaking off port bow". The player responds "Continue", which you can see would sound silly.
The use of warp streaks to give the player the feeling of proceeding to a location is always a good thing. Then bringing them from warp to normal space reduces the number of maps you have to use to accomplish the mission. On the currently named "Rendevous Space" map you used the "Weather Starstreaks North South" effect with the entire map oriented to the north and south. As I have played and authored missions in the Foundry I have found that effect does not work well unless the player is at "Full Impulse". Perhaps Cryptic will fix this issue one day but until then I recommend using the "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect with the map oriented east to west. The effect works well at any speed as the streaks flow from west to east regardless of the players speed. Everything else on those maps worked well and can easily be reoriented to the east to west.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description does not really tell the player anything about the mission. The regular dialogue is only two sentences and does not really tell the player anything about the mission. There is nothing to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. Consider shifting around the layout to place the actual story related dialogue at the top and move the rest down. Then add more of the story to the dialogue to the description to draw the player in.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is exactly the same as the last two sections of your description. Consider adding more story dialogue here to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'.
Mission Task: The initial task should have the location for the start of the first custom map. You want to help the player find your mission.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "starship at the specified coordiates" to read "starship at the specified coordinates".
MAPS: Lackey System: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
NGC-4447: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Borg Transwarp Hub Interior: This is a good map design with a good mix of tough and regular but fun battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue" was a little excessive on this map. You used it once or twice on the previous maps. Consider reviewing this dialogue and replace the response button with something more appropriate. If there is no specific response needed for the dialogue then replace the "Continue" with " " to signify acknowledgement without the default entry.
Borg Transwarp Hub Exterior: This is a nice map design with some good optional combat and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted one item to be aware of and consider changing if possible:
-The away team was not able to stay with me throughout this map. They got stuck in the initial area.
Escape from NGC-4447: This is a good map design with some tough but fun battles. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Rendevous Space: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name "Rendevous Space" to read "Rendezvous Space"
-The Captains Log dialogue; consider changing "headed to the pre-arranged rendevous point" to read "headed to the pre-arranged rendezvous point".
-The use of "Weather Starstreaks North South 01" effect does not work well at most speeds. Consider changing your map orientation to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space regardless of the players speed.
-The post "Destroy pursuing Borg" dialogue; consider changing "[FirstName], I hope you do not mind that my team get a headstart" to read "[FirstName], I hope you do not mind my team getting a head start".
The use of the response button "Continue" was a little excessive on this map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and the series so far. Especially considering these are your first few missions using the Foundry. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 08/24/2014 on forum posting for: Eclipse Series.
As anyone who has ever read my reviews knows I normally recommend adding the start location to the initial task. I had also done this even if the start location was clearly defined in the description and/or the grant dialogue. From this point forward I am no longer making that recommendation. If you have the start location for your first custom map in the description then you are good to go. The reason for this change is the description can be read again at any point after the acquiring of the mission by clicking on it in the mission queue located in the upper right hand corner of your screen just below the mini map. Of course that is the default location and may vary depending on your customization preferences. It can also be located in your "In Progress" section of your mission queue. You can add it to the grant dialogue but that does not appear to show up in the communications log consistently.
Of course if you do not have it in the description I will still make that as a recommendation to add it there. As always everything in this post and my reviews should be seen as suggestions on ways I feel you can improve certain elements of your mission.
Love your reviews, Evil70th, so thought maybe I'd toss my two into the ring if you had time!
The two are Part One and Part Two of my series, A Quiet Rebellion. Hope you like them!
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Mission Name: A Message From Nowhere
Author: SerpentineOne
Minimum Level: Any
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HF862NNJ5
Estimated Mission Length: About 30 to 35 minutes.
Federation Mission - A Quiet Rebellion: A Message From Nowhere
Author: SerpentineOne
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HF862NNJ5
Report Start
Summary: I noted while reading a couple of the reviews that this is your first Foundry mission. If that is the case then I have to say you did a great job. This is a great mission with good map designs, tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I would highly recommend this mission to other players, although not on Elite level. The battles were more than a challenge on Normal. I would also recommend creating a forum posting to show case your missions and this series.
This is only a suggestion and not a real problem but I noted you used "sir" in some of the dialogue. While that term has been used in various Star Trek shows to address both male and female officers consider changing those iterations to read "Captain". As a retired Navy Chief I would use the term "sir" when addressing both male and female officers not in a command position; however when addressing the Commanding Officer of a ship it was always "Captain" out of respect.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description needs to have more of the story and less information about changes you have made to the mission since its start. You should consider adding something to draw player in and make them want to click 'Hail'. Additionally you should consider adding the start location for the first custom map to the description. This will make it easier for the player to find your mission start point. It is in the grant dialogue but that cannot always be seen in the communications log. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is well written but as indicated above you should add the start location for the first custom map to the description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is an intriguing initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: Remember the button that appears is also the initial response button for the player. It is okay as written but you can change it to be more in line with the dialogue in the for mission entry. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
MAPS: Ready Room: This is nice simple map design with good story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the object interact button from the default "Interact" to read "Access Console" or something along those lines.
System B-168: This is a good map design with tough but fun optional and required combat. The story dialogue is very well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Hm. We can't just let this continue. Options" to read "Hmm. We can't just let this continue. Options". The word "Hmm" in the Cambridge dictionary online is defined as "something you say when you pause while talking or when you are uncertain".
Deeper in B-168: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
The Listening Post: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Post Command Center: This is a good map design with tough but fun combat and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The post Use Console dialogue; consider changing "Hm " to read "Hmm " based on the Cambridge dictionary online definition.
Back in Space: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider finding a way to make the dome or the entire station disappear. The blast looks okay but the dome and station remain intact and it looks odd.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. Even if this is not your first Foundry mission you did a great job in developing this mission. I can hardly wait to play/review your next mission in this series and more of your work in the future.
Brian
Federation Mission - A Quiet Rebellion: A Message From Nowhere
Author: SerpentineOne
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HF862NNJ5
Report Start
Summary: I noted while reading a couple of the reviews that this is your first Foundry mission. If that is the case then I have to say you did a great job. This is a great mission with good map designs, tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I would highly recommend this mission to other players, although not on Elite level. The battles were more than a challenge on Normal. I would also recommend creating a forum posting to show case your missions and this series.
This is only a suggestion and not a real problem but I noted you used "sir" in some of the dialogue. While that term has been used in various Star Trek shows to address both male and female officers consider changing those iterations to read "Captain". As a retired Navy Chief I would use the term "sir" when addressing both male and female officers not in a command position; however when addressing the Commanding Officer of a ship it was always "Captain" out of respect.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description needs to have more of the story and less information about changes you have made to the mission since its start. You should consider adding something to draw player in and make them want to click 'Hail'. Additionally you should consider adding the start location for the first custom map to the description. This will make it easier for the player to find your mission start point. It is in the grant dialogue but that cannot always be seen in the communications log. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is well written but as indicated above you should add the start location for the first custom map to the description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is an intriguing initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: Remember the button that appears is also the initial response button for the player. It is okay as written but you can change it to be more in line with the dialogue in the for mission entry. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
MAPS: Ready Room: This is nice simple map design with good story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the object interact button from the default "Interact" to read "Access Console" or something along those lines.
System B-168: This is a good map design with tough but fun optional and required combat. The story dialogue is very well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Hm. We can't just let this continue. Options" to read "Hmm. We can't just let this continue. Options". The word "Hmm" in the Cambridge dictionary online is defined as "something you say when you pause while talking or when you are uncertain".
Deeper in B-168: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
The Listening Post: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Post Command Center: This is a good map design with tough but fun combat and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The post Use Console dialogue; consider changing "Hm " to read "Hmm " based on the Cambridge dictionary online definition.
Back in Space: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider finding a way to make the dome or the entire station disappear. The blast looks okay but the dome and station remain intact and it looks odd.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. Even if this is not your first Foundry mission you did a great job in developing this mission. I can hardly wait to play/review your next mission in this series and more of your work in the future.
Brian
Thanks very much for the review! I'm really thrilled that you liked it as much as you did!
First, this IS my first mission, yes. *chuckles* Before this, I mostly just fiddled with different things in the Foundry, watched some tutorial videos and asked questions in the StarbaseUGC chat and such. I really appreciate that you thought I did well with it and hope that you find the second part even better.
Second, thanks for the comments! I spend a lot of time trying to make level design that really doesn't feel repetitive and makes people want to look around the maps. As for the battles, I tend to do a lot of balancing and what not to make sure that fights aren't too easy, but aren't going to be a total pain to try and beat as well. I'm glad that you found both pleasant!
As for the story and dialogues, thank you very much! I figure the most important thing about any mission should be that it tells a fun story that engages. If it does that, if it makes you want to learn more and keep going, then I can feel I've done all right.
Third, I will definitely be looking to work your suggestions into mission! I might try again at trying to see if I can reasonably make the base at the end disappear in a legitimate and realistic looking way. I actually tried pretty hard at that, but couldn't find a good way to show the place getting toasted the first time around. I'll have to take another look! As for the 'sir' suggestion, I'll definitely be thinking about that as well now, when I look back at this mission and in my future ones. Thanks again!
I believe my second part is next in your queue, so here's hoping you enjoy that one as well! Part 3 SHOULD have been out already, but the past six months have been something of a living nightmare that is only now calming. So, with luck, in the near future, I'll be adding my next part into your pile!
Thanks very much for the review! I'm really thrilled that you liked it as much as you did!
First, this IS my first mission, yes. *chuckles* Before this, I mostly just fiddled with different things in the Foundry, watched some tutorial videos and asked questions in the StarbaseUGC chat and such. I really appreciate that you thought I did well with it and hope that you find the second part even better.
Second, thanks for the comments! I spend a lot of time trying to make level design that really doesn't feel repetitive and makes people want to look around the maps. As for the battles, I tend to do a lot of balancing and what not to make sure that fights aren't too easy, but aren't going to be a total pain to try and beat as well. I'm glad that you found both pleasant!
As for the story and dialogues, thank you very much! I figure the most important thing about any mission should be that it tells a fun story that engages. If it does that, if it makes you want to learn more and keep going, then I can feel I've done all right.
Third, I will definitely be looking to work your suggestions into mission! I might try again at trying to see if I can reasonably make the base at the end disappear in a legitimate and realistic looking way. I actually tried pretty hard at that, but couldn't find a good way to show the place getting toasted the first time around. I'll have to take another look! As for the 'sir' suggestion, I'll definitely be thinking about that as well now, when I look back at this mission and in my future ones. Thanks again!
I believe my second part is next in your queue, so here's hoping you enjoy that one as well! Part 3 SHOULD have been out already, but the past six months have been something of a living nightmare that is only now calming. So, with luck, in the near future, I'll be adding my next part into your pile!
Thanks again for the excellent review!
Hey SerpentineOne,
As always I am glad my reviews help out authors. Since its inception I have tried to make the reviews as helpful as possible. Keep up the good work and in fact I am about to review your part II of this series. The review will be posted as soon as it is completed.
Love your reviews, Evil70th, so thought maybe I'd toss my two into the ring if you had time!
The two are Part One and Part Two of my series, A Quiet Rebellion. Hope you like them!
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Mission Name: The Wraith
Author: SerpentineOne
Minimum Level: Any
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HPG7B5XK9
Estimated Mission Length: About 1 hour, 10 minutes.
Federation Mission - A Quiet Rebellion: The Wraith
Author: SerpentineOne
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HPG7B5XK9
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission and series so far. The map designs are good, the battles are very tough but still fun and the story dialogue is excellent. I noted no spelling errors and only some minor change recommendations here and there. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players although not on Elite level. The normal level was more than enough of a challenge. Again, I would also recommend creating a forum posting to show case your missions and this series.
In your description the "Warning" states that the BOFFs may get stuck caught on walls due to Klingon backgrounds. I did not notice this issue during play on any of the Klingon maps; however to be clear, if this is an issue than it is a bug on that map with the BOFF pathing. With that said there may be no issue on any of the maps. I did not see any mention of it in the previous reviews posted on the mission critique. Being somewhat new at this you should be aware that in the Foundry BOFF pathing does not always work. The pathing is usually resolved during the publishing process. If you test it post publishing and/or you start getting complaints then the maps may have pathing bugs. At that point you should report the issue to the DEVs to fix the map. They cannot fix it if they do not know about it.
One last thing to consider is adding a "Skip dialogue and provide a summary" button for the longer portions of the dialogue. The summary would provide the player with relevant information on the tasks at hand. It would also allow players who are less inclined to dialogue heavy mission to enjoy the other aspects of your mission. Many authors use this feature include me.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The actual part of the description where you describe the mission is well done. Consider having less information about changes you have made to the mission since its start. This is the part of the mission where you have to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. As I noted in the previous review, consider adding the start location for the first custom map to the description. This will make it easier for the player to find your mission start point. It is in the grant dialogue but that cannot always be seen in the communications log. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt but consider changing the response button to something more appropriate to the dialogue. Yes it is the first thing the player sees when entering the mission but I feel it is less important to announce what the player already knows. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Admiral's Office: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The TNG consoles when you first beam in do not look right compared to the other consoles in the same room. Consider replacing them with other consoles and orienting them towards the east wall. You can place a couple of screens on the east wall as well.
-Consider removing the dialogue title "Speak to Commander Til'ek" or changing it to "Briefing" or something along those lines. Currently it looks odd when speaking to the other NPCs.
Avas Beta II: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Krozar Station: This is a good map design with a tough but fun battle and great story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Command Area: This is a good map design with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-During the Head Deeper into the Command Area task the dialogue is labeled "Command Office". Should it be "Command Officer" or something along those lines?
-During the Check Communications task consider changing the "Interact" button to read "Access Communications".
Avas Beta II#2: This is a good map design with several tough but fun, required and optional battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider removing the #2 at the end of the map name. Not all authors know the Foundry allows you to have multiple maps with the same name. Keeping the #2 works to keep the maps strait while editing but is not needed during the actual play.
Orion Base: This is a good map design with some very tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Archon System: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I note one item to consider changing:
-The Zethiss dialogue; consider changing "I have nowhere else to look and you are my last option" to read "I have nowhere else to turn, you are my last option".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You have done a great job with this mission and the series. I look forward to playing/reviewing the next installment in the series and more of your work in the future.
Brian
Hi there! I'd love it if you could give my mission a go as I'm after any and all advice regarding how I can improve it should there be any areas that need work
Mission: The Wings of Omicros Mission ID: ST-HNST6WXJK Author:@darkfirewithin Current Version: v1.1
Faction:Federation Level restriction: 16+ Starting Point: The wall panel in front of the ESD Transporter Room.
Duration: Approx. 30 minutes Combat: Ground and Space
Summary: With the Solanae Dyson Sphere and Iconian gateway in Tau Dewa now active, several Delta Quadrant species have started to engage with the Federation, the KDF and the Romulan Republic. One particular race, the Omicronians, wish to become members of the Federation. It is your duty to oversee the negotiations and ensure they run smoothly, as there are hostile forces moving against the integration of the Omicronians joining the Federation.
Federation Mission - The Wings of Omicros
Author: darkfirewithin
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HNST6WXJK
Report Start
Summary: This is a nice mission with a mix of tough and simple battles along with well written story dialogue. Overall it is a good start to a story with a lot of potential; however the story does need a little more developing. There are a few areas where the story felt vague and under developed. It could use a little more work. Despite this it was an enjoyable mission and I would still recommend it to other players. I estimate the time to play is between 45 minutes and 75 minutes depending on combat time.
The reference to "Goldielocks battle" below is referring to proper balancing of combat in a mission. It is a battle that is not too tough and not too easy but rather just right. As I indicated I prefer dialogue heavy missions but do not mind combat if it fits in with the mission. I have also reviewed combat heavy missions with just enough dialogue to keep the mission moving forward. Even in those types of missions there needs to be a balance between very tough and very easy battles.
On the Diplomatic Compound map I mention the NPCs moving around when the player is trying to talk to them. This is a problem, especially with protracted dialogue as with Daicadrek Gry'Pfittn. As I mentioned, you need to remove that movement completely. It is very annoying when a player is reading dialogue and the NPC walks away so you have to start all over. NPCs the player is to interact with should never move. They can type on a console or something along those lines but never move.
One final thing that I suspect everyone who reads my reviews knows is a bit of a pet peeve with me. The response button "Continue", which is the default entry in the Foundry when a response is not filled in can work in some cases but should not be used as much as it is. Think of it this way. You have the dialogue "Klingon Battleship on sensors, [Rank]" to which the player responds "Continue". It just does not work especially when you say that out loud.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is okay but you need to add more to the story to it in order to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. Consider moving all but the latest "MISSION UPDATE" to a forum posting. This would allow you room to expand the story. Consider adding the start location of the first custom map as [MissionInfo] in the description. This will make it easier for the player to find where the mission starts. They can access that description anytime after they accept the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is okay but needs more than a detailed description on how to find the console to talk to Captain Vellos. As indicated above, consider adding the start location of the first custom map as [MissionInfo] in the description. There needs to be more here that makes the player want to click 'Accept'. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: The initial task needs to be reworked along with the grant dialogue. Having the player locate the console on ESD just to be directed to the Regulus System after the dialogue is annoying. Consider moving the entire dialogue with Captain Vellos, including the start location, to post 'Accept' mission dialogue. Consider moving the author note at the end of the Captain Vellos dialogue to the description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. The post dialogue initial task clearly identifies the start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Regulus System: This is a nice map design with simple battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Flying across that much space to get to the first action seems like a waste of time. Consider moving the initial spawn point closer to the initial engagement.
-The battles were a little too simple. As a general rule I prefer more dialogue heavy missions that tell a story. I do not mind a battle as long as they are logically linked to the story. The other element of including the battle is balancing the engagement. Not too hard and not too easy. Call it the Goldielocks battle. It needs to be just right.
Regulus IV: This is a good map design with balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue". Consider changing the default too something more appropriate to the dialogue it is responding to.
The Diplomatic Compound: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The presence of the Undine NPC in the story does not appear to make any sense in the context of the story to this point. Consider changing it to a Federation NPC.
-The addition of tougher enemy is okay but you should consider adding respawn points deeper into the map.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The NPCs Captain Vellos and Daicadrek Gry'Pfittn are setup to move around. It is annoying when you begin to read the dialogue from the NPC and they walk away. You then have to restart the dialogue all over again. Consider removing this from both NPCs and place them where the player can interact with them without them walking away.
- The dialogue regarding the Borg and the Omicronians is a little vague. Consider adding more dialogue from Daicadrek Gry'Pfittn that goes deeper into detail regarding the Borg and the Omicronian interaction.
Regulus System: This is a nice map design with some fun battles and well written story dialogue. . I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-In the initial dialogue you refer to "our defences are working" but this appears to be the first time it is mentioned. Consider defining what those defences are.
-As a side note, the word "defences" is a Kings English spelling. That is not a hit, but rather a note for anyone else that reads this review. I check words that may be Kings English spelling in my mission reviews but do not consider them a hit unless misspelled.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job with your first Foundry mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 09/10/2014 on forum posting for: The Wings of Omicros.
Federation Mission - A Quiet Rebellion: The Wraith
Author: SerpentineOne
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HPG7B5XK9
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission and series so far. The map designs are good, the battles are very tough but still fun and the story dialogue is excellent. I noted no spelling errors and only some minor change recommendations here and there. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players although not on Elite level. The normal level was more than enough of a challenge. Again, I would also recommend creating a forum posting to show case your missions and this series.
In your description the "Warning" states that the BOFFs may get stuck caught on walls due to Klingon backgrounds. I did not notice this issue during play on any of the Klingon maps; however to be clear, if this is an issue than it is a bug on that map with the BOFF pathing. With that said there may be no issue on any of the maps. I did not see any mention of it in the previous reviews posted on the mission critique. Being somewhat new at this you should be aware that in the Foundry BOFF pathing does not always work. The pathing is usually resolved during the publishing process. If you test it post publishing and/or you start getting complaints then the maps may have pathing bugs. At that point you should report the issue to the DEVs to fix the map. They cannot fix it if they do not know about it.
One last thing to consider is adding a "Skip dialogue and provide a summary" button for the longer portions of the dialogue. The summary would provide the player with relevant information on the tasks at hand. It would also allow players who are less inclined to dialogue heavy mission to enjoy the other aspects of your mission. Many authors use this feature include me.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The actual part of the description where you describe the mission is well done. Consider having less information about changes you have made to the mission since its start. This is the part of the mission where you have to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. As I noted in the previous review, consider adding the start location for the first custom map to the description. This will make it easier for the player to find your mission start point. It is in the grant dialogue but that cannot always be seen in the communications log. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt but consider changing the response button to something more appropriate to the dialogue. Yes it is the first thing the player sees when entering the mission but I feel it is less important to announce what the player already knows. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Admiral's Office: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The TNG consoles when you first beam in do not look right compared to the other consoles in the same room. Consider replacing them with other consoles and orienting them towards the east wall. You can place a couple of screens on the east wall as well.
-Consider removing the dialogue title "Speak to Commander Til'ek" or changing it to "Briefing" or something along those lines. Currently it looks odd when speaking to the other NPCs.
Avas Beta II: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Krozar Station: This is a good map design with a tough but fun battle and great story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Command Area: This is a good map design with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-During the Head Deeper into the Command Area task the dialogue is labeled "Command Office". Should it be "Command Officer" or something along those lines?
-During the Check Communications task consider changing the "Interact" button to read "Access Communications".
Avas Beta II#2: This is a good map design with several tough but fun, required and optional battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider removing the #2 at the end of the map name. Not all authors know the Foundry allows you to have multiple maps with the same name. Keeping the #2 works to keep the maps strait while editing but is not needed during the actual play.
Orion Base: This is a good map design with some very tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Archon System: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I note one item to consider changing:
-The Zethiss dialogue; consider changing "I have nowhere else to look and you are my last option" to read "I have nowhere else to turn, you are my last option".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You have done a great job with this mission and the series. I look forward to playing/reviewing the next installment in the series and more of your work in the future.
Brian
Thank you for the great review!
As with before, I really appreciate the suggestions and comments and will definitely be looking into changing things around with what you think. You have some great thoughts I'll look into.
Once again, it makes me glad that you didn't find a tonne of things wrong. *chuckles* That always makes me happy.
As with the first mission, I focused a lot on the story side of things, but really expanded with what I'd learned making the my first one. The experience is helping a lot and, hopefully, part three will be an even more impressive entry!
In all, I'm glad that you liked both missions and I'm honored that you would recommend the mission to others! I definitely need to make a new, proper thread for the missions, since I did actually have some old ones, but didn't do anything with them, really. I admit, I have almost no idea how to do things like advertise my mission and what not. *chuckles* All the same, I'll definitely be looking into making a good post for the series on the forum. Thanks again for the review and the recommendations!
Once I'm done part three, it's definitely going into your queue!
As with before, I really appreciate the suggestions and comments and will definitely be looking into changing things around with what you think. You have some great thoughts I'll look into.
Once again, it makes me glad that you didn't find a tonne of things wrong. *chuckles* That always makes me happy.
As with the first mission, I focused a lot on the story side of things, but really expanded with what I'd learned making the my first one. The experience is helping a lot and, hopefully, part three will be an even more impressive entry!
In all, I'm glad that you liked both missions and I'm honored that you would recommend the mission to others! I definitely need to make a new, proper thread for the missions, since I did actually have some old ones, but didn't do anything with them, really. I admit, I have almost no idea how to do things like advertise my mission and what not. *chuckles* All the same, I'll definitely be looking into making a good post for the series on the forum. Thanks again for the review and the recommendations!
Once I'm done part three, it's definitely going into your queue!
Hey SerpentineOne,
I really did enjoy the mission and look forward to your next installment. As you indicated that these were your first two missions in the Foundry your abilities are quite good. Keep up the great work.
Mission Name: The Lost Samurai
Author: Theatrrap
Minimum Level: 16+ or above
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HRYZXCBQ4
Estimated Mission Length: About 30 minutes.
Start Point: Console in Holodeck 2 at the Starfleet Academy
Description: The Klingons have a lost tale of an alien warrior who battled stronger and harder then any warrior in the Empire. Lost artifacts point to a way to return this warrior to our realm.
Follow the trail of the artifacts and investigate these truths.
[NOTE: This is my first project, any tips would be appreciated.]
Federation Mission - The Lost Samurai
Author: Theatrrap
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HRYZXCBQ4
Report Start
Summary: This mission is a good one, especially for your first project and has the potential to be a great one. The map designs a pretty good, the battles are tough but not completely impossible, and the story dialogue is pretty well written. What this means is that I would recommend this mission to other players as it is enjoyable. I would also recommend you create an entry on the Foundry mission forums for this mission and others you plan to create.
Lets start with map designs. They are pretty good but they need some tweaking here and there. There are tutorials available on Starbase UGC to help with setting up maps with triggered dialogue and tasks. If you already use them then you know how valuable they can be. There is a recommendation I made below for your Otha IV map regarding the console placement. There are tutorials for that on UGC. I also mentioned combining the data collection tasks into one console vice the four they are on now. The elements you use on maps and how you use them help you tell the story. It is important for them to work well and make sense.
The next item I mentioned a lot was the use of Cryptic maps to transfer between your custom maps. There are Cryptic missions that use this feature but this is not a feature of the Foundry nor is it likely to be anytime soon. It simply does not work when it is tried in any mission. For example in your mission when we exit to go to the Academy the initial entry prompt is there. When return to the Otha system the second time your initial map entry prompt is still there. When we exit to return to speak with Crusher and end the mission both the initial and second entry prompts are there. That can detract from your mission. Another major factor is doing this removes the player from your mission. Once you get the player in your mission you need to keep them there. You do this with great map designs, fun challenging battles, as needed, and the story itself. If you have them fly all the way to Eta Eridani, back to Earth, back to Eta Eridani and back to Earth again they may drop the mission. Those trips are time consuming, even if you use transwarp it still takes more time than a map transfer.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is a good start but needs a little more to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is well written but having the player cross cryptic maps in order to find someone to talk to who then directs them to another location to enter the mission is annoying. Consider having the information discussed with the cadet as follow on dialogue stemming from the grant dialogue. Then you could direct the player to your first custom map vice to a location to discuss the mission with a contact. Then you would be able to add the start location of the first custom map as [MissionInfo] in the description. This will make it easier for the player to find where the mission starts. They can access that description anytime after they accept the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: The initial entry prompt is well done. You should consider making this the only entry into your mission. Once you have the player in the mission you should keep them there until completed. I will cover this in my summary. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Starfleet Academy (Cryptic Map): This map is not needed. Following the dialogue the player then flies all the way to the Otha system in the Eta Erandi system to enter the first custom map. Having the player travel across Cryptic maps to listen to dialogue then travel again to enter your first custom map does not work well. Consider moving the entire dialogue with Cadet Crusher to be part of the post 'Accept' dialogue. Using the Otha system as the entry into your first custom map is fine but you need to consolidate the opening.
Otha: This is a nice map design with some fun battles. Some of the story dialogue could use a little more story to make it interesting. It feels like we just fly on to the map, do battle with a few Klingons and move to the next map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "Klingon Ships decloaking" to read "Klingon ships decloaking".
-The Klilnock Shroan dialogue; consider changing "Prepare to Die" to read "Prepare to die".
-Consider moving the enemy mobs closer together.
Otha IV: This is a good map design with some simple and tough battles along with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Scan the Area dialogue; consider combining the two sentences together into something like this "We should scan the area to see if we can find any evidence of this great warrior".
-Consider changing the response button "Lets start scanning" to read "Let's start scanning".
-The first few searches just seem like filler and add nothing to the story. They all have the response button "[Continue Searching]". Consider adding dialogue that covers some background on the search for the great warrior.
-The decloaked console that the player interacts with is not fully on the platform. You need to raise it up a little more. Also consider lining it up with the existing consoles on the platform. It will take a little adjusting here and there but once it lines up it will look better than a random console. The platform may also have a problem; some of my BOFFs got caught in the platform.
Otha System: This is a good design with some fun optional battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Put together an away team, lets go" to read "Assemble an away team"
-Consider changing the map change response button "Let's go" to read "Energize".
Asteroid Base: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The mission tasks; consider changing "Kill the Klingon Interfearance" to read "Kill the Klingon interference".
-The Energy Readings dialogue; consider changing the response button "Lets take a look around" to read "Let's take a look around".
-The Old Equipment dialogue; consider changing the response button "Lets see what we can find" to read "Let's see what we can find".
-Consider replacing the "Get Information" consoles with the generic consoles. The current ones look too Starfleet and modern to be considered ancient. Also consider consolidating all the data gathering into one single console.
-The post Information dialogue; consider changing "My men are working on" to read "My staff are working on".
-The trouble dialogue; consider changing "There is some sort of interfearance" to read "There is some sort of interference".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "the transporter interfearance" to read "the transporter interference".
Otha System Asteroid: This is a good map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Trouble dialogue; consider changing "Incoming Hail" to read "Incoming hail".
-Consider changing the response button "Lets see what they have to say" to read "Let's hear what he has to say".
-The Klilnock Shroan dialogue; consider changing "Prepare to Die" to read "Prepare to die".
-The Contacting Cadet Crusher response button; consider changing "Is there interfearance" to read "Is there interference".
-Consider changing "We cannot detect any interfearance on this end" to read "We cannot detect any interference on this end".
-Recommend you create a new map for transit to Earth vice having the player leave your custom maps to transit several Cryptic maps to rescue Crusher. I will cover this in detail in my summary.
Starfleet Academy (Cryptic Map): This map is not needed. I will cover this in the summary above. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Since you indicated on the previous custom map that we could not reach the academy security the first thing the player should do upon arrival at Starfleet academy is contact security.
-Consider changing the computer button "Check the Computer for Crusher's Whereabouts" to read "Check the computer for Crusher's whereabouts".
Science Lab: This is a good map design with some tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Seems odd that Professor Ascot is just standing by to tell the player that cadet Crusher is in trouble. Consider either removing him or having him state he has contacted security.
-The Cadet Brandon Crusher dialogue; consider changing "An anlien humanoid from a primitive planet" to read "An alien humanoid from a primitive planet".
-Recommend you create a new map or take the player directly to the Otha system vice having the player leave your custom maps to transit several Cryptic maps. I will cover this in detail in my summary.
Starfleet Academy (Cryptic Map): This map is not needed. I will cover this in the summary above. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider moving the confirmation and dialogue regarding Crushers data to the Science Lab map before the player leaves that map.
Eta Eridani (Cryptic Map): This map is not needed. I will cover this in the summary above.
Otha System, Otha III: This is a nice map design with tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue is labeled Klilnock Shroan but the image is a Klingon ship. Consider changing it to the correct character.
-Consider moving the initial battle to be closer to Otha III since the dialogue referrers to transporter beam and survivors on the planet below. Also it would make more sense for the Klingon to ambush the player when they get closer to Otha III.
-The Scanning Otha III dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], Scans indicate a faint" to read "[Rank], scans indicate a faint".
-Consider changing the map change response button "Beam down to Otha III" to read "Energize".
Otha III: This is a nice map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Otha III Cave: This is a nice map with some tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The No Ruins dialogue; there is reference made to "an ancient console similar to the one of the asteroid" but they are nothing alike. This console is the type you should replace the others on the Asteroid Base map.
-The Explosives dialogue; consider changing the response button "Lets get into these computers" to read "Let's access this terminal and see if we can deactivate the cloak".
-For the holding cells consider changing them to either the Fish Tank 01 or to the Captivity Device 04 vice Captivity Device 03 you are currently using. Either one of those would look better.
-The Revive Them dialogue; consider changing the response button "Lets do it" to read "Let's do it".
-The Sir dialogue; consider changing the response button "Lets beam down some guards just in case" to read "Let's beam down some guards just in case".
-The dialogue mentions beaming down guards and the player agrees but there are no guards. If you decided not to because the battle is easy then remove the reference to beaming down guards, otherwise add them.
-Realizing the Foundry does not allow you to place single enemies of a species on a map some of the creatures, like the Devidian or Fek'lhri fighter, would not use weapons. Consider making them non-hostile but confused. Perhaps the player can offer to get them each back to their respective species.
-The Lost Samurai does not look Asian at all, let alone Japanese. Consider modifying the NPC to look more the part. In the Costumes settings try Head Type: Human 5, Skin Type Color: Medium and Base Complexion: Standard 03 or 05. You should find those much closer than what you are currently using.
-The Soga no Maylo dialogue; consider changing "Lets go" to read "Let's go".
-Recommend you have the player hail Cadet Crusher and finish the story on this map vice having the player go all the way back to ESD via Cryptic maps. I will cover this in detail in my summary.
Earth Space Dock (Cryptic Map): This map is not needed and the story could have been completed on the previous map. I will cover this in the summary above.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and with a little more work it can be a truly great mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future. Keep up the good work.
Brian
Hope you are doing well. I've submitted a new mission through the foundry and would like to request a mission report if possible:
Mission Name: Homage to Galris
Author: Joe_King
Minimum Level: Any Level
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HFAZTV5AX
Estimated Mission Length: 30 to 45 minutes
The mission description is as follows:
This mission involves intrigue, mystery and action! This is a story driven mission, i.e. LOTS OF DIALOGUE, which introduces you to the Galrisians, a people driven from the Delta Quadrant by the Borg. There has been an incident at a trade conference in orbit around Risa and you must solve the mystery and save the Federation from a threat within its very borders. This mission calls for the best a Starfleet officer has to offer, good luck!
Summary: This is a good mission with nicely designed maps, very tough combat towards the end and well written story dialogue. I would recommend this mission to other players who like a good story combined with nice maps and tough battles. You will enjoy this mission.
On most of the maps I noted the use of "Hello [Rank] [LastName]" in greetings for both communications and in person. This just does not feel right to me in the context of this or most missions. A more typical greeting or acknowledgement should be "Captain [LastName]" in the dialogue. I use the term "Captain" because it is more of an indication of the player's position rather than rank. The position of Captain of a ship holds a special significance in the game and real world, which is a major contributing factor to my recommendation. This also becomes particularly important when the player is a higher rank than the person they are answering to in the mission. Even in your own dialogue you recognize it when on the last map during the Captain Terrell dialogue she refers to the player as "Captain [LastName]". This is not a show stopper but something I felt should be addressed for this mission and other authors as well.
Your attempt to use only the response button for player dialogue just felt awkward. I even noted that one of the comments on the game listing mentioned "the empty dialogue boxes were weird". I suspect they missed the response button dialogue you entered. Their comment highlights the issue with the method you employed for player dialogue. The blank dialogue can cause confusion. What I would recommend is using the dialogue area to add player dialogue. This can be done by using [OOC] dialogue. Here is an example that I use in my missions;
[OOC]Your response:
I would not recommend using a blank dialogue when you can use this method.[/OOC]
With the finish to the dialogue in the response button field like this:
You should use this method instead.
This methodology would allow you to write more in depth responses for the player in a mission. This can also be used in conjunction with NPC dialogue in that area as follow on for the player to say. I saw similar methods like this in other missions and have adapted them for my use.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description with the start location included. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. Recently I reversed my stand on using the initial task to indicate where the entry for the first custom map was but have since changed my mind. What you have here is fine but since you include the start location in your description you can make this task read however you want. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
MAPS: Incident at Risa: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Captain Amanda Terrell dialogue; consider changing "Hello [Rank] [LastName], thank you" to read "Captain [LastName], thank you".
-Consider changing the response button "All in a day's pay" to read "All in a day's work", which would be the actual phrase.
-The use of blank dialogue with only a response button for player response. I saw a comment on this in the mission feedback. I will note the maps on which this occurred and cover in the summary above with a recommendation.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "The away team will meet you at deck 6" to read "The away team will meet you on deck 6".
All about the Galrisians: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Captain Amanda Terrell dialogue; consider changing "Hello [Rank] [LastName], I take it" to read "Captain [LastName], I take it". This is the second map which I noted the use of the dialogue using "Hello" and "[Rank] [LastName]". From this point forward I will note the map and discuss it in my summary above.
-The use of blank dialogue with only a response button for player response.
-Consider changing the interaction with an entire group of consoles for the Galrisians Factpages. This can be done with either an individual console or an invisible object to trigger the dialogue.
The Full Story: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of "Hello" and "[Rank] [LastName]".
-The Captain Amanda Terrell dialogue; consider changing "I've heard allot about you" to read "I've heard a lot about you". The spelling you used refers to apportion, assign or allocate.
-Consider changing "Thank you [Rank]" to read "Thank you Captain".
-The Tap Combadge dialogue; consider changing "Hello Captain, how can we help" to read "Yes Captain".
The Scene of the Crime: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of "Hello" and "[Rank] [LastName]".
-The Commander Giznat dialogue; consider changing "Yes [Rank]" to read "Yes Captain".
-The use of blank dialogue with only a response button for player response.
-The use of "[Rank] [LastName]" by General Jupi and Piona is not inappropriate to the situation. I mention it because I have called out the instances in other places. This should not be considered one of them.
-The Captain Amanda Terrell dialogue; consider changing "the investigation can move to the S.S Mir" to read "the investigation can move to the S.S. Mir".
-The Tap Combadge dialogue; consider changing "Hello Captain, how can I help you" to read "Yes Captain". From this point I will note the map and cover it as part of the summary regarding the use of "[Rank] [LastName]".
The Plot Thickens: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of "Hello" and "[Rank] [LastName]".
-The use of blank dialogue with only a response button for player response.
Revelations: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of "Hello" and "[Rank] [LastName]".
-The use of blank dialogue with only a response button for player response.
Confrontation: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding respawn points further in the map.
-The use of "[Rank] [LastName]".
-The use of blank dialogue with only a response button for player response.
-Consider configuring individual consoles on the platform vice the entire platform. This can be accomplished by either placing a specific console or an invisible object as the trigger at a console.
-Take a good look at who you use for enemy mobs. The Galrisian militia used bat'leths during close quarters combat.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and I enjoyed playing it. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Hi Evil70th, I recently published my first ever foundry mission. If you could add it to your list, I'd appreciate that. Here are the details:
Mission Title:Raptor's Reflection Author:@ElijahThomas Project ID:ST-HTNN3WO5B Faction:Federation (Recommended for play with Starfleet Character) Level Requirement:31+ Estimated Time:30 - 40 Minutes
Synopsis:
You are contacted by Captain Shon of the U.S.S. Enterprise with a request for assistance near the former Romulan Star Empire. However, what seems like a routine mission of mercy will soon erupt into a deadly game played across two universes.
Features:
My First Published Foundry Mission
Play Time between 30 and 40 minutes
Story-based mission with plenty of dialog
Space and Interior Combat
Every map is custom made
Summary: This is a great mission for any author but particularly a first time publishing. You have outstanding map designs, fun battles, and excellent story dialogue. I would highly recommend this mission to all players who like those elements in their missions. The only thing to consider for the dialogue is perhaps adding a "Skip Dialogue and provide Summary" feature but this would not be required in my opinion. The mission was definitely closer to an hour to an hour and half with the dialogue but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Also consider placing a forum posting regarding this mission and others you may be working on. It will help the players find this mission and others as you publish them.
With regard to the first two map designs, the first one had a pathing issue with the BOFFs and both seemed to block the map layout on the min-map. Most likely the cause of the pathing is specific to the default map you used to customize for your purposes. On both maps I am guessing you laid something over the top to keep the player from seeing the default map you used to design your interior maps. Generally this will be a higher numbered object on the map and will block everything that is a lower number. This can be corrected by deleting a lower number object that may not be as prominent and can be added as a higher number later. Then place the block as a lower numbered object on the map to obscure the features of the default map you are using. That should reveal the map on the min-map while still blocking the rest of the default map. You can use other blocks to hide the rest of the map as needed. I tested it and it should work.
One more thing to consider changing is the use of "[Rank]" vice "Captain" in dialogue when the NPC is addressing the player. In the previous review I conducted I mentioned this as something to consider changing. The main reason this should be considered for change is the position of Captain of a starship carries with it a certain level of respect versus the actual rank of the character. Yes it is also a rank the character can obtain but being a starship Captain is where the real power of command lay. A secondary reason to consider the change is in a mission if you actually out rank the NPC that is directing you it can seem awkward in the mission play. For those reasons you should consider going through your mission and changing "[Rank]" to read "Captain" in the dialogue.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The initial grant dialogue is good but the "Foundry Challenge" announcement is a little distracting. If it is not required in the grant dialogue consider removing it. The follow on dialogue is well written; however the response button "Continue" does not work. Consider changing it to read "We are on our way" or something along those lines. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt. I noted one item to consider changing;
-Consider changing "[Rank], we are entering" to read "Captain, we are entering".
MAPS: Go to the Lonco System in the Iota Pavonis Sector Block: This is a great map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the name of the map to "Disabled Romulan Vessel". The current name seems more like a mission task rather than a map name.
-Consider changing the use of "[Rank] to read "Captain". From this point forward I will note the maps where this is being used and briefly cover it in my summary above.
-The map design is nice but has a severe pathing issue with BOFFs. All the BOFFs kept resetting to the transporter pad. I tried to direct them outside of the transporter room but as soon as I released them to follow me they bounced back to the pad. Then they were all over the map, which I suspect is due to the way the map is laid out.
-There is something that appears to block the mini-map and regular map from showing the layout. I will cover this in detail in the summary above.
-The shadows and lighting seemed to be an issue on parts of the map. I suspect this may be related to the blocking of the default map referred to in the previous issue.
-The use of the response button "Continue" is the default setting when a button is not populated. Consider changing it to " " or some other appropriate response.
Starship Interior - Deck Nine: This is a fantastic map design with fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There is something that appears to block the mini-map and regular map from showing the layout.
-The use of "[Rank] vice "Captain".
-The "Assist Security in Cargo Bay 4" task appears to actually take place "Shuttle Bay Two" according to the dialogue following the battle. Consider changing the task to "Assist Security in Shuttle Bay 2".
-In the Observation Level there are several NPCs with "Wander" enabled. They detract from the mission dialogue as they wander back and forth, bumping into the player and other objects. Consider disabling the "Wander" feature for those NPCs.
-The Veril dialogue; consider changing "If you agree i'll give you another crewman" to read "If you agree I'll give you another crewman"
Romulus System: This is a good map design with some tough but fun battles and great story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The star on this map is visible throughout the map including when the player is at warp.
-The warp effect using "Weather Starstreaks North South 01" does not look good. Consider changing your map orientation to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space then the "Weather Starstreaks North South 01" regardless of the players speed.
-The use of "[Rank] vice "Captain".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The Imperial Oversight Base - Remus dialogue; consider changing "Repond immediately or be destroyed" to read "Respond immediately or be destroyed".
-The post Scan Area dialogue response button; consider changing "Precisely what kind of damage could that bomb was done" to read "Precisely what kind of damage would that bomb have done".
Viraj II: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing;
-The use of "[Rank] vice "Captain".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a tremendous job developing this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Hey Evil70th, thanks so much for your playthrough and review.
I'll take your recommendations on board, though likely in the process of building my next mission. I'm not sure yet if I'll end up going over Raptor's Reflection again.
Hey Evil70th, thanks so much for your playthrough and review.
I'll take your recommendations on board, though likely in the process of building my next mission. I'm not sure yet if I'll end up going over Raptor's Reflection again.
I appreciate it all, thank you very much.
Hi ElijahThomas,
Glad I could help. It was a good mission, especially for your first. I had a lot of fun playing it. The review information are recommendations based on what I observed while playing. They are yours to use as you see fit, I simply provide the data.
Thanks for your review. Sorry It took me a while to respond but my system crashed and has been resurrected and now has Dosbox and Windows 3.11 installed. I've been having fun with Star Trek the 25th Anniversary game. I've gone ahead and edited the dialogue in light if your suggestions... though I'm sure you appreciated not having to comment on the use of 'continue' for a change!
Thanks for your help!
Joe King
Originally posted in Homage to Galris: Main Thread
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] Please leave comments or suggestions on the main thread for Homage to Galris at the following link.
Also feel free to check out some of my other projects at the following link.
Thanks for your review. Sorry It took me a while to respond but my system crashed and has been resurrected and now has Dosbox and Windows 3.11 installed. I've been having fun with Star Trek the 25th Anniversary game. I've gone ahead and edited the dialogue in light if your suggestions... though I'm sure you appreciated not having to comment on the use of 'continue' for a change!
Thanks for your help!
Joe King
Originally posted in Homage to Galris: Main Thread
Hi Joe,
I am glad I could help and that you are able to get a system back up and running. Yes, I appreciated not having to comment on the use of the word 'Continue' as a response in your mission. Keep up the good work.
The mission State of the Union by councilspectre was not available for play at this time. I tried looking for the mission by Project ID, Title and author with no luck. This mission has been dropped from the queue. If you would like to resubmit the mission that has been dropped for review please let me know but it will take place at the end of the queue.
For future reference folks, if you have to take your mission down or it is unavailable for any reason but will be available again please let me know so I can move it back on the list. Otherwise I have no choice to drop the mission from the queue.
I love playing STO and enjoy providing detailed reviews but real life takes precedence. Your mission will be reviewed as soon as I can get to it.
I just finished the review of Boot Camp and will be posting the review shortly.
To help out with my previous post regarding dropped missions, here are the next three missions in order of listing within my queue for review;
1. Sunset Blues
2. Scars of the Pride, Part 3:Toxin
3. Time for Tribble Troubles
If you are having issues with any of these mission please let me know before they come up for review. I will update this before releasing any mission reviews from this point forward.
Start Point: Door on Main Concourse of Earth Space Dock
Description: You and your crew have been selected to attend a special refresher boot camp intended for Starfleet's elite. Times are dangerous and we need our best men to truly be their best. Please report to the transports at Earth Space Dock.
Summary: This is a good, combat oriented, mission with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue that works to move the story forward from fight to fight. With the combat your mission is a minimum of 3 hours, not 1 to 2 hours. I would recommend this mission to players who love combat missions although not on Elite level. It was more than enough of a challenge on Normal. Consider creating a forum posting to help advertise your work. It may help get more players to acquire your mission.
I mentioned use of Cryptic maps as part of the mission. This should be restricted to the start of a mission and never used during the mission once the player enters your first custom map, even at the end. Yes there are Cryptic missions that use this feature but this is not a feature in the Foundry nor is it likely to be added anytime soon. For this reason alone it simply does not work when it is tried in any Foundry mission. When the player leaves the custom map and enters the Cryptic map your entry point button is still visible, which detracts from the mission play. The dialogue to end the mission could have been handled through a communications console or simply adding it to the end of the last mission map. If desired, you could do the dialogue as described and then use the access of the shuttle to end the mission. In short, do not use Cryptic maps once the player enters your mission. It does not work properly.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a brief description that could use more information to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Hail'. As it is written now with the note telling the player "This mission is difficult and long, you will die more than once" provides no real incentive to pick up your mission. Consider changing the description by adding more of the story and something to draw the player in. Also consider adding the start location of the first custom map. It will free up your initial mission task to become part of the story. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: The initial mission task is good as it indicates where the start location for the first custom map is. I would suggest adding the start location to the description during the suggested rewrite. Then you can use the initial task for something oriented more to the story. This is only a recommendation based on my change of opinion by me noted a few reviews ago. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Boot Camp: This map does not appear to be needed in the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. Consider removing this map from the mission. If you do decide to keep this map then I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I play my missions with 'High map detail' turned on. That means I see the plants and other objects added as detail to the maps. The tents on the north end of the map have issues. One issue is they appear to be partially buried in the ground due to being place on the side of a hill. The other issue is the plants that fill the area were you placed the tents. Consider moving the tents to one of the flat spots the player runs through at the start of the mission. You can either remove that as a way point for the run or have the player run through them.
-The sleeping bags the player is sent to retrieve are partially buried in the platform they are on. Consider raising them a little bit.
Boot Camp Night: This map does not appear to be needed in the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. Consider removing this map from the mission. If you remove these first two maps you can have the player enter the Training Base map to start the mission. It would be a better place to start as these first two maps do not appear to do anything more than take up mission time.
Training Base: This is a nice map design with well written dialogue that moves the mission forward. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Be careful setting up wandering for NPCs as idle activity. It can add to a map but also take away from it. The NPCs that are wandering on this map kept bumping into my character while I was reading the dialogue.
Klingon Simulation: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Klingon Space Simulation: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Eliminate the Klingon Fighters task; the respawn point appears to be in the middle or right on the edge of an asteroid. If it is used the player becomes stuck and cannot get out to finish the map. Consider moving the respawn point to a more open area near the fight. I had to leave the map and return through all the other maps then refight my way through to this point again.
Training Base Post Klingon: This is a nice map design with well written dialogue that moves the mission forward. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Borg Simulation: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and some well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The enemy mobs of Borg; consider changing their appearance to coincide with the player's access to the data nodes.
-The map transfer dialogue and response both say "Go to Next Map" which is the default entry when the author does not change them. Consider changing "Go to Next Map" to read "Are you ready to beam up" and the response button to read "Energize".
Borg Space Simulation: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and some well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
- The Defeat the Final Wave of Borg Attacks task; consider adding a respawn point. You may want to add more than one respawn point based on the level of the enemy mobs.
Training Base Post Borg: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Orbit Around Training Base: This is a nice map design with several tough optional battles and some well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding additional friendly units at the beginning to help engage the enemy.
Training Base Debriefing: This is a nice map design with well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding a console task to communicate with Linnea on ESD then end the mission at the shuttle craft vice having the player leave your mission to enter a Cryptic map. I will cover this in my summary above.
-The map transfer dialogue and response both say "Go to Next Map" which is the default entry when the author does not change them. If you plan to still have the player exit your mission to enter a Cryptic map then change the dialogue to read "The shuttle is ready" and the response button to "Let's go".
Earth Spacedock (Cryptic Map): This map does not appear to be needed in the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. Consider removing this map transfer and ending the mission on the previous map. Using Cryptic maps prior to the end of the mission does not actually work. I will discuss this in the summary above.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this combat oriented mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Comments
Hi Ashkrik23,
Welcome back to the queue. This mission is currently 21st in the queue behind Mignarde. I will get to it as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi Nikkojt,
I appreciate the information. The word "fleetwide" did not look correct to me. When I enter "fleetwide" in Microsoft Word it comes up as incorrect. In contrast when I enter "worldwide" it comes back correct. In the end my recommendations are just that. The author is free to use them or not.
The correction I wrote "[Rank], Tricorders are reading" to read "[Rank], tricorders are reading" was intended to correct the capitalization of the word "Tricorders" in that line. It appeared to be the results of when he inserted "[Rank]" in front of the word "tricorders". I say appeared because throughout the rest of the mission the author used "tricorder".With regard to the use of "are" vice "is" not being grammatically correct, I honestly did not look at it. Having said that, when I say it out loud using the word "is" it did not sound correct to me. My fourth grade English teacher aside, say the whole line out loud and then tell me it sounds better using "is" instead of "are" for the line. Now I do not always trust MS Word when it tells me something is grammatically correct or not but when I entered the line using "is" and then "are" it did not return a grammatical error for either one. As I stated above, in the end my recommendations are just that. The author is free to use them or not.
Thanks again for bring it up, as I am not always right when I conduct a review. I appreciate feedback to help me improve the process.
Brian
Regarding the "fleet wide/fleetwide" discussion, could "fleet-wide" work?
As always, I am glad I could help. It was a fun series.
The use of a tack or hyphen usually works to link two otherwise separate words. In the end, you are the author of the mission and ir is up to you how you want to handle it.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
I just meant "tricorder's are", with the apostrophe, is incorrect. :P You can have "[my] tricorder's", or "[the] tricorders are", but the apostrophe doesn't work with "are".
There used to be a picture here, but they changed signatures and I can't be bothered to replace it.
Again thanks for the information.
Brian
Federation Mission - Eclipse #2: The Borg of 4028
Author: intrinsical
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HKV6A7QVE
Report Start
Summary: This is a good story oriented combat mission with a good mix of tough and normal battles and well written story dialogue. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players who like a good story driven combat mission and series. I would not recommend using Elite level as I found it to be challenging enough on Normal, although I am sure the rewards would be higher on Elite.
I did mention the excessive use of the response button "Continue" on a couple of the maps. By now I think everyone knows my mind on this but just to be clear. You should use a response that is appropriate to the dialogue. If you are seeking to bridge the dialogue between two separate windows and no player response is needed then I recommend using " " to signify acknowledgement without the default entry. It concerns me as a distraction from the story. The example I like to use is a BOFF says "Enemy vessel de-cloaking off port bow". The player responds "Continue", which you can see would sound silly.
The use of warp streaks to give the player the feeling of proceeding to a location is always a good thing. Then bringing them from warp to normal space reduces the number of maps you have to use to accomplish the mission. On the currently named "Rendevous Space" map you used the "Weather Starstreaks North South" effect with the entire map oriented to the north and south. As I have played and authored missions in the Foundry I have found that effect does not work well unless the player is at "Full Impulse". Perhaps Cryptic will fix this issue one day but until then I recommend using the "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect with the map oriented east to west. The effect works well at any speed as the streaks flow from west to east regardless of the players speed. Everything else on those maps worked well and can easily be reoriented to the east to west.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description does not really tell the player anything about the mission. The regular dialogue is only two sentences and does not really tell the player anything about the mission. There is nothing to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. Consider shifting around the layout to place the actual story related dialogue at the top and move the rest down. Then add more of the story to the dialogue to the description to draw the player in.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is exactly the same as the last two sections of your description. Consider adding more story dialogue here to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'.
Mission Task: The initial task should have the location for the start of the first custom map. You want to help the player find your mission.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "starship at the specified coordiates" to read "starship at the specified coordinates".
MAPS:
Lackey System: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
NGC-4447: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Borg Transwarp Hub Interior: This is a good map design with a good mix of tough and regular but fun battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue" was a little excessive on this map. You used it once or twice on the previous maps. Consider reviewing this dialogue and replace the response button with something more appropriate. If there is no specific response needed for the dialogue then replace the "Continue" with " " to signify acknowledgement without the default entry.
Borg Transwarp Hub Exterior: This is a nice map design with some good optional combat and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted one item to be aware of and consider changing if possible:
-The away team was not able to stay with me throughout this map. They got stuck in the initial area.
Escape from NGC-4447: This is a good map design with some tough but fun battles. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Rendevous Space: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name "Rendevous Space" to read "Rendezvous Space"
-The Captains Log dialogue; consider changing "headed to the pre-arranged rendevous point" to read "headed to the pre-arranged rendezvous point".
-The use of "Weather Starstreaks North South 01" effect does not work well at most speeds. Consider changing your map orientation to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space regardless of the players speed.
-The post "Destroy pursuing Borg" dialogue; consider changing "[FirstName], I hope you do not mind that my team get a headstart" to read "[FirstName], I hope you do not mind my team getting a head start".
The use of the response button "Continue" was a little excessive on this map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and the series so far. Especially considering these are your first few missions using the Foundry. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 08/24/2014 on forum posting for: Eclipse Series.
As anyone who has ever read my reviews knows I normally recommend adding the start location to the initial task. I had also done this even if the start location was clearly defined in the description and/or the grant dialogue. From this point forward I am no longer making that recommendation. If you have the start location for your first custom map in the description then you are good to go. The reason for this change is the description can be read again at any point after the acquiring of the mission by clicking on it in the mission queue located in the upper right hand corner of your screen just below the mini map. Of course that is the default location and may vary depending on your customization preferences. It can also be located in your "In Progress" section of your mission queue. You can add it to the grant dialogue but that does not appear to show up in the communications log consistently.
Of course if you do not have it in the description I will still make that as a recommendation to add it there. As always everything in this post and my reviews should be seen as suggestions on ways I feel you can improve certain elements of your mission.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - A Quiet Rebellion: A Message From Nowhere
Author: SerpentineOne
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HF862NNJ5
Report Start
Summary: I noted while reading a couple of the reviews that this is your first Foundry mission. If that is the case then I have to say you did a great job. This is a great mission with good map designs, tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I would highly recommend this mission to other players, although not on Elite level. The battles were more than a challenge on Normal. I would also recommend creating a forum posting to show case your missions and this series.
This is only a suggestion and not a real problem but I noted you used "sir" in some of the dialogue. While that term has been used in various Star Trek shows to address both male and female officers consider changing those iterations to read "Captain". As a retired Navy Chief I would use the term "sir" when addressing both male and female officers not in a command position; however when addressing the Commanding Officer of a ship it was always "Captain" out of respect.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description needs to have more of the story and less information about changes you have made to the mission since its start. You should consider adding something to draw player in and make them want to click 'Hail'. Additionally you should consider adding the start location for the first custom map to the description. This will make it easier for the player to find your mission start point. It is in the grant dialogue but that cannot always be seen in the communications log. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is well written but as indicated above you should add the start location for the first custom map to the description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is an intriguing initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: Remember the button that appears is also the initial response button for the player. It is okay as written but you can change it to be more in line with the dialogue in the for mission entry. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
MAPS:
Ready Room: This is nice simple map design with good story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the object interact button from the default "Interact" to read "Access Console" or something along those lines.
System B-168: This is a good map design with tough but fun optional and required combat. The story dialogue is very well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Hm. We can't just let this continue. Options" to read "Hmm. We can't just let this continue. Options". The word "Hmm" in the Cambridge dictionary online is defined as "something you say when you pause while talking or when you are uncertain".
Deeper in B-168: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
The Listening Post: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Post Command Center: This is a good map design with tough but fun combat and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The post Use Console dialogue; consider changing "Hm " to read "Hmm " based on the Cambridge dictionary online definition.
Back in Space: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider finding a way to make the dome or the entire station disappear. The blast looks okay but the dome and station remain intact and it looks odd.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. Even if this is not your first Foundry mission you did a great job in developing this mission. I can hardly wait to play/review your next mission in this series and more of your work in the future.
Brian
Thanks very much for the review! I'm really thrilled that you liked it as much as you did!
First, this IS my first mission, yes. *chuckles* Before this, I mostly just fiddled with different things in the Foundry, watched some tutorial videos and asked questions in the StarbaseUGC chat and such. I really appreciate that you thought I did well with it and hope that you find the second part even better.
Second, thanks for the comments! I spend a lot of time trying to make level design that really doesn't feel repetitive and makes people want to look around the maps. As for the battles, I tend to do a lot of balancing and what not to make sure that fights aren't too easy, but aren't going to be a total pain to try and beat as well.
As for the story and dialogues, thank you very much! I figure the most important thing about any mission should be that it tells a fun story that engages.
Third, I will definitely be looking to work your suggestions into mission! I might try again at trying to see if I can reasonably make the base at the end disappear in a legitimate and realistic looking way. I actually tried pretty hard at that, but couldn't find a good way to show the place getting toasted the first time around. I'll have to take another look! As for the 'sir' suggestion, I'll definitely be thinking about that as well now, when I look back at this mission and in my future ones.
I believe my second part is next in your queue, so here's hoping you enjoy that one as well! Part 3 SHOULD have been out already, but the past six months have been something of a living nightmare that is only now calming. So, with luck, in the near future, I'll be adding my next part into your pile!
Thanks again for the excellent review!
Hey SerpentineOne,
As always I am glad my reviews help out authors. Since its inception I have tried to make the reviews as helpful as possible. Keep up the good work and in fact I am about to review your part II of this series. The review will be posted as soon as it is completed.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - A Quiet Rebellion: The Wraith
Author: SerpentineOne
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HPG7B5XK9
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission and series so far. The map designs are good, the battles are very tough but still fun and the story dialogue is excellent. I noted no spelling errors and only some minor change recommendations here and there. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players although not on Elite level. The normal level was more than enough of a challenge. Again, I would also recommend creating a forum posting to show case your missions and this series.
In your description the "Warning" states that the BOFFs may get stuck caught on walls due to Klingon backgrounds. I did not notice this issue during play on any of the Klingon maps; however to be clear, if this is an issue than it is a bug on that map with the BOFF pathing. With that said there may be no issue on any of the maps. I did not see any mention of it in the previous reviews posted on the mission critique. Being somewhat new at this you should be aware that in the Foundry BOFF pathing does not always work. The pathing is usually resolved during the publishing process. If you test it post publishing and/or you start getting complaints then the maps may have pathing bugs. At that point you should report the issue to the DEVs to fix the map. They cannot fix it if they do not know about it.
One last thing to consider is adding a "Skip dialogue and provide a summary" button for the longer portions of the dialogue. The summary would provide the player with relevant information on the tasks at hand. It would also allow players who are less inclined to dialogue heavy mission to enjoy the other aspects of your mission. Many authors use this feature include me.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The actual part of the description where you describe the mission is well done. Consider having less information about changes you have made to the mission since its start. This is the part of the mission where you have to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. As I noted in the previous review, consider adding the start location for the first custom map to the description. This will make it easier for the player to find your mission start point. It is in the grant dialogue but that cannot always be seen in the communications log. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt but consider changing the response button to something more appropriate to the dialogue. Yes it is the first thing the player sees when entering the mission but I feel it is less important to announce what the player already knows. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Admiral's Office: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The TNG consoles when you first beam in do not look right compared to the other consoles in the same room. Consider replacing them with other consoles and orienting them towards the east wall. You can place a couple of screens on the east wall as well.
-Consider removing the dialogue title "Speak to Commander Til'ek" or changing it to "Briefing" or something along those lines. Currently it looks odd when speaking to the other NPCs.
Avas Beta II: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Krozar Station: This is a good map design with a tough but fun battle and great story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Command Area: This is a good map design with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-During the Head Deeper into the Command Area task the dialogue is labeled "Command Office". Should it be "Command Officer" or something along those lines?
-During the Check Communications task consider changing the "Interact" button to read "Access Communications".
Avas Beta II#2: This is a good map design with several tough but fun, required and optional battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider removing the #2 at the end of the map name. Not all authors know the Foundry allows you to have multiple maps with the same name. Keeping the #2 works to keep the maps strait while editing but is not needed during the actual play.
Orion Base: This is a good map design with some very tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Archon System: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I note one item to consider changing:
-The Zethiss dialogue; consider changing "I have nowhere else to look and you are my last option" to read "I have nowhere else to turn, you are my last option".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You have done a great job with this mission and the series. I look forward to playing/reviewing the next installment in the series and more of your work in the future.
Brian
I have just published a mission on the foundry and I would like to submit it to you for review.
Mission Name: Beckon Me Unto Beacons
Author: velocitore
Minimum Level: Any
Allegiance: Starfleet
Project ID: ST-HKB8BWMF
Est. Length: 45 to 60 min
It is a patrol mission that starts in the Cernan System of Regulus Sector Block
Thanks,
Velocitore
Federation Mission - The Wings of Omicros
Author: darkfirewithin
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HNST6WXJK
Report Start
Summary: This is a nice mission with a mix of tough and simple battles along with well written story dialogue. Overall it is a good start to a story with a lot of potential; however the story does need a little more developing. There are a few areas where the story felt vague and under developed. It could use a little more work. Despite this it was an enjoyable mission and I would still recommend it to other players. I estimate the time to play is between 45 minutes and 75 minutes depending on combat time.
The reference to "Goldielocks battle" below is referring to proper balancing of combat in a mission. It is a battle that is not too tough and not too easy but rather just right. As I indicated I prefer dialogue heavy missions but do not mind combat if it fits in with the mission. I have also reviewed combat heavy missions with just enough dialogue to keep the mission moving forward. Even in those types of missions there needs to be a balance between very tough and very easy battles.
On the Diplomatic Compound map I mention the NPCs moving around when the player is trying to talk to them. This is a problem, especially with protracted dialogue as with Daicadrek Gry'Pfittn. As I mentioned, you need to remove that movement completely. It is very annoying when a player is reading dialogue and the NPC walks away so you have to start all over. NPCs the player is to interact with should never move. They can type on a console or something along those lines but never move.
One final thing that I suspect everyone who reads my reviews knows is a bit of a pet peeve with me. The response button "Continue", which is the default entry in the Foundry when a response is not filled in can work in some cases but should not be used as much as it is. Think of it this way. You have the dialogue "Klingon Battleship on sensors, [Rank]" to which the player responds "Continue". It just does not work especially when you say that out loud.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is okay but you need to add more to the story to it in order to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. Consider moving all but the latest "MISSION UPDATE" to a forum posting. This would allow you room to expand the story. Consider adding the start location of the first custom map as [MissionInfo] in the description. This will make it easier for the player to find where the mission starts. They can access that description anytime after they accept the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is okay but needs more than a detailed description on how to find the console to talk to Captain Vellos. As indicated above, consider adding the start location of the first custom map as [MissionInfo] in the description. There needs to be more here that makes the player want to click 'Accept'. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: The initial task needs to be reworked along with the grant dialogue. Having the player locate the console on ESD just to be directed to the Regulus System after the dialogue is annoying. Consider moving the entire dialogue with Captain Vellos, including the start location, to post 'Accept' mission dialogue. Consider moving the author note at the end of the Captain Vellos dialogue to the description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. The post dialogue initial task clearly identifies the start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Regulus System: This is a nice map design with simple battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Flying across that much space to get to the first action seems like a waste of time. Consider moving the initial spawn point closer to the initial engagement.
-The battles were a little too simple. As a general rule I prefer more dialogue heavy missions that tell a story. I do not mind a battle as long as they are logically linked to the story. The other element of including the battle is balancing the engagement. Not too hard and not too easy. Call it the Goldielocks battle. It needs to be just right.
Regulus IV: This is a good map design with balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue". Consider changing the default too something more appropriate to the dialogue it is responding to.
The Diplomatic Compound: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The presence of the Undine NPC in the story does not appear to make any sense in the context of the story to this point. Consider changing it to a Federation NPC.
-The addition of tougher enemy is okay but you should consider adding respawn points deeper into the map.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The NPCs Captain Vellos and Daicadrek Gry'Pfittn are setup to move around. It is annoying when you begin to read the dialogue from the NPC and they walk away. You then have to restart the dialogue all over again. Consider removing this from both NPCs and place them where the player can interact with them without them walking away.
- The dialogue regarding the Borg and the Omicronians is a little vague. Consider adding more dialogue from Daicadrek Gry'Pfittn that goes deeper into detail regarding the Borg and the Omicronian interaction.
Regulus System: This is a nice map design with some fun battles and well written story dialogue. . I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-In the initial dialogue you refer to "our defences are working" but this appears to be the first time it is mentioned. Consider defining what those defences are.
-As a side note, the word "defences" is a Kings English spelling. That is not a hit, but rather a note for anyone else that reads this review. I check words that may be Kings English spelling in my mission reviews but do not consider them a hit unless misspelled.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job with your first Foundry mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 09/10/2014 on forum posting for: The Wings of Omicros.
Hi Velocitore,
Welcome to the queue. Your mission is currently 18th in the queue behind ashkrik23. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Thank you for the great review!
As with before, I really appreciate the suggestions and comments and will definitely be looking into changing things around with what you think. You have some great thoughts I'll look into.
Once again, it makes me glad that you didn't find a tonne of things wrong. *chuckles* That always makes me happy.
As with the first mission, I focused a lot on the story side of things, but really expanded with what I'd learned making the my first one. The experience is helping a lot and, hopefully, part three will be an even more impressive entry!
In all, I'm glad that you liked both missions and I'm honored that you would recommend the mission to others! I definitely need to make a new, proper thread for the missions, since I did actually have some old ones, but didn't do anything with them, really. I admit, I have almost no idea how to do things like advertise my mission and what not. *chuckles* All the same, I'll definitely be looking into making a good post for the series on the forum.
Once I'm done part three, it's definitely going into your queue!
Hey SerpentineOne,
I really did enjoy the mission and look forward to your next installment. As you indicated that these were your first two missions in the Foundry your abilities are quite good. Keep up the great work.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Author: Theatrrap
Minimum Level: 41+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HK9WTTOPM
Estimated Mission Length: Aprox 30 min
Hi Theatrrap,
Welcome to the queue. Your mission should be 19th in the queue behind velocitore. I will get to the review of your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - The Lost Samurai
Author: Theatrrap
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HRYZXCBQ4
Report Start
Summary: This mission is a good one, especially for your first project and has the potential to be a great one. The map designs a pretty good, the battles are tough but not completely impossible, and the story dialogue is pretty well written. What this means is that I would recommend this mission to other players as it is enjoyable. I would also recommend you create an entry on the Foundry mission forums for this mission and others you plan to create.
Lets start with map designs. They are pretty good but they need some tweaking here and there. There are tutorials available on Starbase UGC to help with setting up maps with triggered dialogue and tasks. If you already use them then you know how valuable they can be. There is a recommendation I made below for your Otha IV map regarding the console placement. There are tutorials for that on UGC. I also mentioned combining the data collection tasks into one console vice the four they are on now. The elements you use on maps and how you use them help you tell the story. It is important for them to work well and make sense.
The next item I mentioned a lot was the use of Cryptic maps to transfer between your custom maps. There are Cryptic missions that use this feature but this is not a feature of the Foundry nor is it likely to be anytime soon. It simply does not work when it is tried in any mission. For example in your mission when we exit to go to the Academy the initial entry prompt is there. When return to the Otha system the second time your initial map entry prompt is still there. When we exit to return to speak with Crusher and end the mission both the initial and second entry prompts are there. That can detract from your mission. Another major factor is doing this removes the player from your mission. Once you get the player in your mission you need to keep them there. You do this with great map designs, fun challenging battles, as needed, and the story itself. If you have them fly all the way to Eta Eridani, back to Earth, back to Eta Eridani and back to Earth again they may drop the mission. Those trips are time consuming, even if you use transwarp it still takes more time than a map transfer.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is a good start but needs a little more to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is well written but having the player cross cryptic maps in order to find someone to talk to who then directs them to another location to enter the mission is annoying. Consider having the information discussed with the cadet as follow on dialogue stemming from the grant dialogue. Then you could direct the player to your first custom map vice to a location to discuss the mission with a contact. Then you would be able to add the start location of the first custom map as [MissionInfo] in the description. This will make it easier for the player to find where the mission starts. They can access that description anytime after they accept the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: The initial entry prompt is well done. You should consider making this the only entry into your mission. Once you have the player in the mission you should keep them there until completed. I will cover this in my summary. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Starfleet Academy (Cryptic Map): This map is not needed. Following the dialogue the player then flies all the way to the Otha system in the Eta Erandi system to enter the first custom map. Having the player travel across Cryptic maps to listen to dialogue then travel again to enter your first custom map does not work well. Consider moving the entire dialogue with Cadet Crusher to be part of the post 'Accept' dialogue. Using the Otha system as the entry into your first custom map is fine but you need to consolidate the opening.
Otha: This is a nice map design with some fun battles. Some of the story dialogue could use a little more story to make it interesting. It feels like we just fly on to the map, do battle with a few Klingons and move to the next map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "Klingon Ships decloaking" to read "Klingon ships decloaking".
-The Klilnock Shroan dialogue; consider changing "Prepare to Die" to read "Prepare to die".
-Consider moving the enemy mobs closer together.
Otha IV: This is a good map design with some simple and tough battles along with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Scan the Area dialogue; consider combining the two sentences together into something like this "We should scan the area to see if we can find any evidence of this great warrior".
-Consider changing the response button "Lets start scanning" to read "Let's start scanning".
-The first few searches just seem like filler and add nothing to the story. They all have the response button "[Continue Searching]". Consider adding dialogue that covers some background on the search for the great warrior.
-The decloaked console that the player interacts with is not fully on the platform. You need to raise it up a little more. Also consider lining it up with the existing consoles on the platform. It will take a little adjusting here and there but once it lines up it will look better than a random console. The platform may also have a problem; some of my BOFFs got caught in the platform.
Otha System: This is a good design with some fun optional battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Put together an away team, lets go" to read "Assemble an away team"
-Consider changing the map change response button "Let's go" to read "Energize".
Asteroid Base: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The mission tasks; consider changing "Kill the Klingon Interfearance" to read "Kill the Klingon interference".
-The Energy Readings dialogue; consider changing the response button "Lets take a look around" to read "Let's take a look around".
-The Old Equipment dialogue; consider changing the response button "Lets see what we can find" to read "Let's see what we can find".
-Consider replacing the "Get Information" consoles with the generic consoles. The current ones look too Starfleet and modern to be considered ancient. Also consider consolidating all the data gathering into one single console.
-The post Information dialogue; consider changing "My men are working on" to read "My staff are working on".
-The trouble dialogue; consider changing "There is some sort of interfearance" to read "There is some sort of interference".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "the transporter interfearance" to read "the transporter interference".
Otha System Asteroid: This is a good map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Trouble dialogue; consider changing "Incoming Hail" to read "Incoming hail".
-Consider changing the response button "Lets see what they have to say" to read "Let's hear what he has to say".
-The Klilnock Shroan dialogue; consider changing "Prepare to Die" to read "Prepare to die".
-The Contacting Cadet Crusher response button; consider changing "Is there interfearance" to read "Is there interference".
-Consider changing "We cannot detect any interfearance on this end" to read "We cannot detect any interference on this end".
-Recommend you create a new map for transit to Earth vice having the player leave your custom maps to transit several Cryptic maps to rescue Crusher. I will cover this in detail in my summary.
Starfleet Academy (Cryptic Map): This map is not needed. I will cover this in the summary above. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Since you indicated on the previous custom map that we could not reach the academy security the first thing the player should do upon arrival at Starfleet academy is contact security.
-Consider changing the computer button "Check the Computer for Crusher's Whereabouts" to read "Check the computer for Crusher's whereabouts".
Science Lab: This is a good map design with some tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Seems odd that Professor Ascot is just standing by to tell the player that cadet Crusher is in trouble. Consider either removing him or having him state he has contacted security.
-The Cadet Brandon Crusher dialogue; consider changing "An anlien humanoid from a primitive planet" to read "An alien humanoid from a primitive planet".
-Recommend you create a new map or take the player directly to the Otha system vice having the player leave your custom maps to transit several Cryptic maps. I will cover this in detail in my summary.
Starfleet Academy (Cryptic Map): This map is not needed. I will cover this in the summary above. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider moving the confirmation and dialogue regarding Crushers data to the Science Lab map before the player leaves that map.
Eta Eridani (Cryptic Map): This map is not needed. I will cover this in the summary above.
Otha System, Otha III: This is a nice map design with tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue is labeled Klilnock Shroan but the image is a Klingon ship. Consider changing it to the correct character.
-Consider moving the initial battle to be closer to Otha III since the dialogue referrers to transporter beam and survivors on the planet below. Also it would make more sense for the Klingon to ambush the player when they get closer to Otha III.
-The Scanning Otha III dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], Scans indicate a faint" to read "[Rank], scans indicate a faint".
-Consider changing the map change response button "Beam down to Otha III" to read "Energize".
Otha III: This is a nice map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Otha III Cave: This is a nice map with some tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The No Ruins dialogue; there is reference made to "an ancient console similar to the one of the asteroid" but they are nothing alike. This console is the type you should replace the others on the Asteroid Base map.
-The Explosives dialogue; consider changing the response button "Lets get into these computers" to read "Let's access this terminal and see if we can deactivate the cloak".
-For the holding cells consider changing them to either the Fish Tank 01 or to the Captivity Device 04 vice Captivity Device 03 you are currently using. Either one of those would look better.
-The Revive Them dialogue; consider changing the response button "Lets do it" to read "Let's do it".
-The Sir dialogue; consider changing the response button "Lets beam down some guards just in case" to read "Let's beam down some guards just in case".
-The dialogue mentions beaming down guards and the player agrees but there are no guards. If you decided not to because the battle is easy then remove the reference to beaming down guards, otherwise add them.
-Realizing the Foundry does not allow you to place single enemies of a species on a map some of the creatures, like the Devidian or Fek'lhri fighter, would not use weapons. Consider making them non-hostile but confused. Perhaps the player can offer to get them each back to their respective species.
-The Lost Samurai does not look Asian at all, let alone Japanese. Consider modifying the NPC to look more the part. In the Costumes settings try Head Type: Human 5, Skin Type Color: Medium and Base Complexion: Standard 03 or 05. You should find those much closer than what you are currently using.
-The Soga no Maylo dialogue; consider changing "Lets go" to read "Let's go".
-Recommend you have the player hail Cadet Crusher and finish the story on this map vice having the player go all the way back to ESD via Cryptic maps. I will cover this in detail in my summary.
Earth Space Dock (Cryptic Map): This map is not needed and the story could have been completed on the previous map. I will cover this in the summary above.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and with a little more work it can be a truly great mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future. Keep up the good work.
Brian
Federation Mission - Homage to Galris
Author: Joe_King
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HFAZTV5AX
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission with nicely designed maps, very tough combat towards the end and well written story dialogue. I would recommend this mission to other players who like a good story combined with nice maps and tough battles. You will enjoy this mission.
On most of the maps I noted the use of "Hello [Rank] [LastName]" in greetings for both communications and in person. This just does not feel right to me in the context of this or most missions. A more typical greeting or acknowledgement should be "Captain [LastName]" in the dialogue. I use the term "Captain" because it is more of an indication of the player's position rather than rank. The position of Captain of a ship holds a special significance in the game and real world, which is a major contributing factor to my recommendation. This also becomes particularly important when the player is a higher rank than the person they are answering to in the mission. Even in your own dialogue you recognize it when on the last map during the Captain Terrell dialogue she refers to the player as "Captain [LastName]". This is not a show stopper but something I felt should be addressed for this mission and other authors as well.
Your attempt to use only the response button for player dialogue just felt awkward. I even noted that one of the comments on the game listing mentioned "the empty dialogue boxes were weird". I suspect they missed the response button dialogue you entered. Their comment highlights the issue with the method you employed for player dialogue. The blank dialogue can cause confusion. What I would recommend is using the dialogue area to add player dialogue. This can be done by using [OOC] dialogue. Here is an example that I use in my missions;
[OOC]Your response:
I would not recommend using a blank dialogue when you can use this method.[/OOC]
With the finish to the dialogue in the response button field like this:
You should use this method instead.
This methodology would allow you to write more in depth responses for the player in a mission. This can also be used in conjunction with NPC dialogue in that area as follow on for the player to say. I saw similar methods like this in other missions and have adapted them for my use.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description with the start location included. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. Recently I reversed my stand on using the initial task to indicate where the entry for the first custom map was but have since changed my mind. What you have here is fine but since you include the start location in your description you can make this task read however you want. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
MAPS:
Incident at Risa: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Captain Amanda Terrell dialogue; consider changing "Hello [Rank] [LastName], thank you" to read "Captain [LastName], thank you".
-Consider changing the response button "All in a day's pay" to read "All in a day's work", which would be the actual phrase.
-The use of blank dialogue with only a response button for player response. I saw a comment on this in the mission feedback. I will note the maps on which this occurred and cover in the summary above with a recommendation.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "The away team will meet you at deck 6" to read "The away team will meet you on deck 6".
All about the Galrisians: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Captain Amanda Terrell dialogue; consider changing "Hello [Rank] [LastName], I take it" to read "Captain [LastName], I take it". This is the second map which I noted the use of the dialogue using "Hello" and "[Rank] [LastName]". From this point forward I will note the map and discuss it in my summary above.
-The use of blank dialogue with only a response button for player response.
-Consider changing the interaction with an entire group of consoles for the Galrisians Factpages. This can be done with either an individual console or an invisible object to trigger the dialogue.
The Full Story: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of "Hello" and "[Rank] [LastName]".
-The Captain Amanda Terrell dialogue; consider changing "I've heard allot about you" to read "I've heard a lot about you". The spelling you used refers to apportion, assign or allocate.
-Consider changing "Thank you [Rank]" to read "Thank you Captain".
-The Tap Combadge dialogue; consider changing "Hello Captain, how can we help" to read "Yes Captain".
The Scene of the Crime: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of "Hello" and "[Rank] [LastName]".
-The Commander Giznat dialogue; consider changing "Yes [Rank]" to read "Yes Captain".
-The use of blank dialogue with only a response button for player response.
-The use of "[Rank] [LastName]" by General Jupi and Piona is not inappropriate to the situation. I mention it because I have called out the instances in other places. This should not be considered one of them.
-The Captain Amanda Terrell dialogue; consider changing "the investigation can move to the S.S Mir" to read "the investigation can move to the S.S. Mir".
-The Tap Combadge dialogue; consider changing "Hello Captain, how can I help you" to read "Yes Captain". From this point I will note the map and cover it as part of the summary regarding the use of "[Rank] [LastName]".
The Plot Thickens: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of "Hello" and "[Rank] [LastName]".
-The use of blank dialogue with only a response button for player response.
Revelations: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of "Hello" and "[Rank] [LastName]".
-The use of blank dialogue with only a response button for player response.
Confrontation: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding respawn points further in the map.
-The use of "[Rank] [LastName]".
-The use of blank dialogue with only a response button for player response.
-Consider configuring individual consoles on the platform vice the entire platform. This can be accomplished by either placing a specific console or an invisible object as the trigger at a console.
-Take a good look at who you use for enemy mobs. The Galrisian militia used bat'leths during close quarters combat.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and I enjoyed playing it. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 09/17/2014 on forum posting for: Homage to Galris: Main Thread.
Federation Mission - Raptor's Reflection
Author: ElijahThomas
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HTNN3WO5B
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission for any author but particularly a first time publishing. You have outstanding map designs, fun battles, and excellent story dialogue. I would highly recommend this mission to all players who like those elements in their missions. The only thing to consider for the dialogue is perhaps adding a "Skip Dialogue and provide Summary" feature but this would not be required in my opinion. The mission was definitely closer to an hour to an hour and half with the dialogue but I thoroughly enjoyed it.
With regard to the first two map designs, the first one had a pathing issue with the BOFFs and both seemed to block the map layout on the min-map. Most likely the cause of the pathing is specific to the default map you used to customize for your purposes. On both maps I am guessing you laid something over the top to keep the player from seeing the default map you used to design your interior maps. Generally this will be a higher numbered object on the map and will block everything that is a lower number. This can be corrected by deleting a lower number object that may not be as prominent and can be added as a higher number later. Then place the block as a lower numbered object on the map to obscure the features of the default map you are using. That should reveal the map on the min-map while still blocking the rest of the default map. You can use other blocks to hide the rest of the map as needed. I tested it and it should work.
One more thing to consider changing is the use of "[Rank]" vice "Captain" in dialogue when the NPC is addressing the player. In the previous review I conducted I mentioned this as something to consider changing. The main reason this should be considered for change is the position of Captain of a starship carries with it a certain level of respect versus the actual rank of the character. Yes it is also a rank the character can obtain but being a starship Captain is where the real power of command lay. A secondary reason to consider the change is in a mission if you actually out rank the NPC that is directing you it can seem awkward in the mission play. For those reasons you should consider going through your mission and changing "[Rank]" to read "Captain" in the dialogue.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The initial grant dialogue is good but the "Foundry Challenge" announcement is a little distracting. If it is not required in the grant dialogue consider removing it. The follow on dialogue is well written; however the response button "Continue" does not work. Consider changing it to read "We are on our way" or something along those lines. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt. I noted one item to consider changing;
-Consider changing "[Rank], we are entering" to read "Captain, we are entering".
MAPS:
Go to the Lonco System in the Iota Pavonis Sector Block: This is a great map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the name of the map to "Disabled Romulan Vessel". The current name seems more like a mission task rather than a map name.
-Consider changing the use of "[Rank] to read "Captain". From this point forward I will note the maps where this is being used and briefly cover it in my summary above.
-The map design is nice but has a severe pathing issue with BOFFs. All the BOFFs kept resetting to the transporter pad. I tried to direct them outside of the transporter room but as soon as I released them to follow me they bounced back to the pad. Then they were all over the map, which I suspect is due to the way the map is laid out.
-There is something that appears to block the mini-map and regular map from showing the layout. I will cover this in detail in the summary above.
-The shadows and lighting seemed to be an issue on parts of the map. I suspect this may be related to the blocking of the default map referred to in the previous issue.
-The use of the response button "Continue" is the default setting when a button is not populated. Consider changing it to " " or some other appropriate response.
Starship Interior - Deck Nine: This is a fantastic map design with fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There is something that appears to block the mini-map and regular map from showing the layout.
-The use of "[Rank] vice "Captain".
-The "Assist Security in Cargo Bay 4" task appears to actually take place "Shuttle Bay Two" according to the dialogue following the battle. Consider changing the task to "Assist Security in Shuttle Bay 2".
-In the Observation Level there are several NPCs with "Wander" enabled. They detract from the mission dialogue as they wander back and forth, bumping into the player and other objects. Consider disabling the "Wander" feature for those NPCs.
-The Veril dialogue; consider changing "If you agree i'll give you another crewman" to read "If you agree I'll give you another crewman"
Romulus System: This is a good map design with some tough but fun battles and great story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The star on this map is visible throughout the map including when the player is at warp.
-The warp effect using "Weather Starstreaks North South 01" does not look good. Consider changing your map orientation to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space then the "Weather Starstreaks North South 01" regardless of the players speed.
-The use of "[Rank] vice "Captain".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The Imperial Oversight Base - Remus dialogue; consider changing "Repond immediately or be destroyed" to read "Respond immediately or be destroyed".
-The post Scan Area dialogue response button; consider changing "Precisely what kind of damage could that bomb was done" to read "Precisely what kind of damage would that bomb have done".
Viraj II: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing;
-The use of "[Rank] vice "Captain".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a tremendous job developing this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
I'll take your recommendations on board, though likely in the process of building my next mission. I'm not sure yet if I'll end up going over Raptor's Reflection again.
I appreciate it all, thank you very much.
Hi ElijahThomas,
Glad I could help. It was a good mission, especially for your first. I had a lot of fun playing it.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Thanks for your review. Sorry It took me a while to respond but my system crashed and has been resurrected and now has Dosbox and Windows 3.11 installed. I've been having fun with Star Trek the 25th Anniversary game.
Thanks for your help!
Joe King
Originally posted in Homage to Galris: Main Thread
Please leave comments or suggestions on the main thread for Homage to Galris at the following link.
Also feel free to check out some of my other projects at the following link.
Hi Joe,
I am glad I could help and that you are able to get a system back up and running. Yes, I appreciated not having to comment on the use of the word 'Continue' as a response in your mission.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
For future reference folks, if you have to take your mission down or it is unavailable for any reason but will be available again please let me know so I can move it back on the list. Otherwise I have no choice to drop the mission from the queue.
I love playing STO and enjoy providing detailed reviews but real life takes precedence. Your mission will be reviewed as soon as I can get to it.
Thanks,
Brian
To help out with my previous post regarding dropped missions, here are the next three missions in order of listing within my queue for review;
1. Sunset Blues
2. Scars of the Pride, Part 3:Toxin
3. Time for Tribble Troubles
If you are having issues with any of these mission please let me know before they come up for review. I will update this before releasing any mission reviews from this point forward.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - Boot Camp
Author: Theatrrap
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HT68H8HC2
Report Start
Summary: This is a good, combat oriented, mission with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue that works to move the story forward from fight to fight. With the combat your mission is a minimum of 3 hours, not 1 to 2 hours. I would recommend this mission to players who love combat missions although not on Elite level. It was more than enough of a challenge on Normal. Consider creating a forum posting to help advertise your work. It may help get more players to acquire your mission.
I mentioned use of Cryptic maps as part of the mission. This should be restricted to the start of a mission and never used during the mission once the player enters your first custom map, even at the end. Yes there are Cryptic missions that use this feature but this is not a feature in the Foundry nor is it likely to be added anytime soon. For this reason alone it simply does not work when it is tried in any Foundry mission. When the player leaves the custom map and enters the Cryptic map your entry point button is still visible, which detracts from the mission play. The dialogue to end the mission could have been handled through a communications console or simply adding it to the end of the last mission map. If desired, you could do the dialogue as described and then use the access of the shuttle to end the mission. In short, do not use Cryptic maps once the player enters your mission. It does not work properly.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a brief description that could use more information to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Hail'. As it is written now with the note telling the player "This mission is difficult and long, you will die more than once" provides no real incentive to pick up your mission. Consider changing the description by adding more of the story and something to draw the player in. Also consider adding the start location of the first custom map. It will free up your initial mission task to become part of the story. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: The initial mission task is good as it indicates where the start location for the first custom map is. I would suggest adding the start location to the description during the suggested rewrite. Then you can use the initial task for something oriented more to the story. This is only a recommendation based on my change of opinion by me noted a few reviews ago. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Boot Camp: This map does not appear to be needed in the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. Consider removing this map from the mission. If you do decide to keep this map then I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-I play my missions with 'High map detail' turned on. That means I see the plants and other objects added as detail to the maps. The tents on the north end of the map have issues. One issue is they appear to be partially buried in the ground due to being place on the side of a hill. The other issue is the plants that fill the area were you placed the tents. Consider moving the tents to one of the flat spots the player runs through at the start of the mission. You can either remove that as a way point for the run or have the player run through them.
-The sleeping bags the player is sent to retrieve are partially buried in the platform they are on. Consider raising them a little bit.
Boot Camp Night: This map does not appear to be needed in the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. Consider removing this map from the mission. If you remove these first two maps you can have the player enter the Training Base map to start the mission. It would be a better place to start as these first two maps do not appear to do anything more than take up mission time.
Training Base: This is a nice map design with well written dialogue that moves the mission forward. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Be careful setting up wandering for NPCs as idle activity. It can add to a map but also take away from it. The NPCs that are wandering on this map kept bumping into my character while I was reading the dialogue.
Klingon Simulation: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Klingon Space Simulation: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Eliminate the Klingon Fighters task; the respawn point appears to be in the middle or right on the edge of an asteroid. If it is used the player becomes stuck and cannot get out to finish the map. Consider moving the respawn point to a more open area near the fight. I had to leave the map and return through all the other maps then refight my way through to this point again.
Training Base Post Klingon: This is a nice map design with well written dialogue that moves the mission forward. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Borg Simulation: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and some well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The enemy mobs of Borg; consider changing their appearance to coincide with the player's access to the data nodes.
-The map transfer dialogue and response both say "Go to Next Map" which is the default entry when the author does not change them. Consider changing "Go to Next Map" to read "Are you ready to beam up" and the response button to read "Energize".
Borg Space Simulation: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and some well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
- The Defeat the Final Wave of Borg Attacks task; consider adding a respawn point. You may want to add more than one respawn point based on the level of the enemy mobs.
Training Base Post Borg: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Orbit Around Training Base: This is a nice map design with several tough optional battles and some well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding additional friendly units at the beginning to help engage the enemy.
Training Base Debriefing: This is a nice map design with well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding a console task to communicate with Linnea on ESD then end the mission at the shuttle craft vice having the player leave your mission to enter a Cryptic map. I will cover this in my summary above.
-The map transfer dialogue and response both say "Go to Next Map" which is the default entry when the author does not change them. If you plan to still have the player exit your mission to enter a Cryptic map then change the dialogue to read "The shuttle is ready" and the response button to "Let's go".
Earth Spacedock (Cryptic Map): This map does not appear to be needed in the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. Consider removing this map transfer and ending the mission on the previous map. Using Cryptic maps prior to the end of the mission does not actually work. I will discuss this in the summary above.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this combat oriented mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian