@weiir1, sharpie65 and icegavel - All having negative expectations :P
@buck311 - Welcome to the LC! Looking forward to going through? Maybe there will be a future LC that allows you to tell us what you found ...
@marcusdkane - I got namechecked! So I had to use the Admiral in my own Just so you know - that is appreciated. Concerning LC52: Ghost of Christmas Past was a little mean, I think. But if Palmer needed it to be a better, then more power to her.
@knightraider6 - Do you like the Nebula? I just ... can't ... get into it. Maybe my Fleet Recon is spoiling me. So, clearly Schrodi does not approve of D'Tan's plans. At all. Nice BSG cursing there.
@burstdragon323 - Proper Planning Prevent Poor Performance, so the saying goes.
@drajora - I loved the interplay between Captains. Please keep up with the LCs to give us more!
I got namechecked! So I had to use the Admiral in my own Just so you know - that is appreciated. Concerning LC52: Ghost of Christmas Past was a little mean, I think. But if Palmer needed it to be a better, then more power to her.
Given the restrictive nature of the LC, it had to be done :cool: And likewise, it's good to know where Kathryn's getting her orders from The admiral just kinda popped up during Amanda's board of inquiry over the loss of the Valkyrie, and this seemed an ideal chance to feature him again ^_^
I was worried if it might have been a bit on the mean side, but this guy definitely had it coming to him, and this wasn't a suicide from not getting assigned to a ship, but a Michael Hutchence-style accidental death It also gave me a chance to reference the wonder that is the Verticoli hairbrush again ^_^
@raventomoe - I appreciate the use of 47 with 6 and 9 :P There are a lot of characters here and a lot of implied background I am not aware of. By chance, have any previous entries alluded to some characters and their background?
@keepcalm - So, does Daring have 4 legs and two arms or four arms and two legs?
@yuzrai - Paranoia indeed! Why do I think when the Enterprise is on the scene, something bad is going to happen
@grylak - Ah, Drake. Rykon does not play around at all! Well done of the conversation and for giving us a different point of view on the situation (at least for me).
@takeshi6 - I wondered if there were some Romulans that do not agree with the situation and that's what your piece shows us. Good work!
You two had some decent entries, too - definitely liked Palmer's reaction (marcus), and Kathryn's opinion was interesting to read (scarlet).
Definitely an interesting LC, and an interesting FE, too.
Any time, and thanks :cool: I did/do have another scene in mind, but it's a bit more post-apocalyptic than this LC will allow, so will have to wait for another opportunity to put down
@raventomoe - I appreciate the use of 47 with 6 and 9 :P There are a lot of characters here and a lot of implied background I am not aware of. By chance, have any previous entries alluded to some characters and their background?
There is only one other entry and it is the prologue you can find in LC50 right here. This has since been edited based on feedback in order to make it more comprehensive.
As to background, some of it requires knowing a fair bit about the anime Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha (especially going into Season 3 StrikerS and beyond). What you are seeing is a pair who have become not just a regular couple but two very elite commanding officers forged by the numerous conflicts throughout the Alpha and Beta Quadrants. Most notable would be the Cutting The Cord (which I have some notes down made when I had some writer's block including using "Pray" for Fate mowing down Tal Shiar and Scorpions with her Device while in Sonic Form). Also Installation 18 (which has just one note: Jail Scaglietti vs. Hakeev Mad Scientist Showdown) has a few notes down.
As to my OCs, they are based (slight renaming for Robin) on my characters in game and I am actually looking for a cover artist for the first installment.
Edit: Also, Takeshi; going to be reading your installment now.
Edit2: Also, yes...consider that video I linked a fairly good preview of what I am about to unleash...just replace the villians getting pounded with ST villians...
@raventomoe - I appreciate the use of 47 with 6 and 9 :P There are a lot of characters here and a lot of implied background I am not aware of. By chance, have any previous entries alluded to some characters and their background?
@keepcalm - So, does Daring have 4 legs and two arms or four arms and two legs?
@yuzrai - Paranoia indeed! Why do I think when the Enterprise is on the scene, something bad is going to happen
@grylak - Ah, Drake. Rykon does not play around at all! Well done of the conversation and for giving us a different point of view on the situation (at least for me).
@takeshi6 - I wondered if there were some Romulans that do not agree with the situation and that's what your piece shows us. Good work!
Latter, although the second set are rather smaller and weaker than the primaries. I am, though, still fiddling with the details. She's very much a work in progress.
"The halfling way of battle is simple: You jump on their face and keep stabbing until the screaming stops."
I'll definitely be participating in this one for sure. I've been reading a few of the entries, and I'll be posting reviews shortly. (I'm also pleasantly surprised to see Yuzral participating-- I really enjoy your video commentaries!)
I just realized, though, a lot of us have already collaborated, and will all have our captains going to the same place for the same event. Methinks there is a lot of collab potential for the Sphere of Influence mission (though it would be weird for Worf to have half a dozen Captains following him around).
I'll definitely be participating in this one for sure. I've been reading a few of the entries, and I'll be posting reviews shortly. (I'm also pleasantly surprised to see Yuzral participating-- I really enjoy your video commentaries!)
I just realized, though, a lot of us have already collaborated, and will all have our captains going to the same place for the same event. Methinks there is a lot of collab potential for the Sphere of Influence mission (though it would be weird for Worf to have half a dozen Captains following him around).
Yes, that would be funny and weird. I am hoping the next LC is about the Sphere itself so I can do a story about Adventures in babysitting Vivio and introduce everyone to Fluffy. ^_^
I'll definitely be participating in this one for sure. I've been reading a few of the entries, and I'll be posting reviews shortly. (I'm also pleasantly surprised to see Yuzral participating-- I really enjoy your video commentaries!)
I just realized, though, a lot of us have already collaborated, and will all have our captains going to the same place for the same event. Methinks there is a lot of collab potential for the Sphere of Influence mission (though it would be weird for Worf to have half a dozen Captains following him around).
Definitely looking forward to Arkos' reaction to this :cool: I agree, I saw a huge potential for collaboration on this, given it being focussed on a specific event and location, but, without knowing what will happen when the gate is activated, is also terribly restrictive in terms of where the story has to end... If Amanda was to beam down to attend in person (rather than using the Vanguard's tractor beams to just rip the gate out of the planet from orbit...) she would be doing so at a considerable distance, then travelling to the event via the Tumbler she keeps in the cargo bay
@knightraider6 - Do you like the Nebula? I just ... can't ... get into it. Maybe my Fleet Recon is spoiling me. So, clearly Schrodi does not approve of D'Tan's plans. At all. Nice BSG cursing there.
More reviews after lunch ...
honestly? I don't. But she ended up in one in The Chase and I have this weird tendency to use stuff that happened in stories or RP in game...so her defiant went boom, and she's in the McGrath. I think I've at least managed to make it work semi effectively
"It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier." R.A.Heinlein
For anyone who has read a previous entry by me, Sorval continues to act as a rogue Klingon aiding the New Romulan government and refugees, and fighting the Tal Shiar. Both he and T'Mara Praex previously appeared in "I Am The Legacy Of Romulus" and in "In Enemies, Find Allies".
You're just a machine. And machines can be broken.
For anyone who has read a previous entry by me, Sorval continues to act as a rogue Klingon aiding the New Romulan government and refugees, and fighting the Tal Shiar. Both he and T'Mara Praex previously appeared in "I Am The Legacy Of Romulus".
Fantastic entry, I'll look forward to seeing more of Captain Walker :cool:
Many thanks, I want to post a longer story properly introducing the characters, but used this opportunity to see if I could come up with some credible dialog and find out how hard it would be to write it.
I have already found that getting down on paper what you think of as going on is a lot harder than first thought as you have to look at so many different aspects of the moment and then choose what you think of as the best response from the other characters to keep the flow of the story moving on.
Very nice :cool: My thoughts on this would be total spoilers to the plot, so I will just say that I thoroughly enjoyed this entry. A very clever use of the characters :cool:
Many thanks, I want to post a longer story properly introducing the characters, but used this opportunity to see if I could come up with some credible dialog and find out how hard it would be to write it.
I have already found that getting down on paper what you think of as going on is a lot harder than first thought as you have to look at so many different aspects of the moment and then choose what you think of as the best response from the other characters to keep the flow of the story moving on.
I think you did a great job Personally, I visualise the scenes as if watching a movie, and then just transcribe what I see. I find the more I try and plan dialogue, the more forced it becomes, but it's about whatever works for you :cool:
Okay, here are my reviews. Took me a bit to read through them and get reviews for all of the posts! I very much enjoyed all these entries, and I want to stress again, especially for those who are new to the LCs, that my reviews are never meant to rip apart an entry but to suggest possible things to look at to improve the writing (in my own opinion only). Please don't take these as anything but attempts at constructive feedback!
And, of course, as the author, no one has to accept my reviews if they decide they don't want to.
So, with that in mind....
@weiir1: Short and to the point. At least one officer thought it might not be the best idea.
@icegavel: Aside from the need to space the text to make it more readable, I liked how the possibility of complete planetary evacuation was brought up. I do think a subtranswarp system isn't exactly something you 'reintegrate' into an engine system quickly, and especially not while underway, but that's author's prerogative I suppose.
@buck311: Another short and to-the-point entry. I find it interesting that the Vice Admiral assumed he would be going through the gateway. Not many Admirals have that liberty (that's why they have to sit at a desk and watch other commanders do the work they would rather be doing most times).
@markusdkane: Nice inclusion of the promotion ceremony there. Easy to forget about the daily life of a commanding officer with all the beams and torpedoes flying. I like how Palmer was less than thrilled to be going into the general vicinity of an activating gateway.
@nightraider6: Hehe....I didn't know Starbuck was reincarnated into Shrodi . Don't know how many crews would be thinking of nuclear weapons with photon and plasma torpedoes sitting around either, but you never know what some weapons' officer has gone and put in his/her private stash. I did love how your central character could not attend...just because an invitation was sent doesn't mean everyone can be there.
@burstdragon323: Short and to the point. About the only thing I can say I found I didn't quite understand is how two other Vice Admirals under Zolaria only commanded single ships instead of a squadron apiece (it happens in rare situations, but usually having two such officers in the same situation under command of another VA would be a sign of serious problems with the two officers).
@drajora: Nice job! I loved how you highlighted the limitations of beam weapons in the Star Trek environment...alot of times it gets forgotten that torpedoes were developed precisely for this reason. It was a bit surprising that the gateway activated without warning or even D'tan being aware it would, so I assume the continuation would be that something else activated the gate. I look forwards to seeing how this plays out in the next LCs.
@cmdrscarlet: Well, I can't fault the Captain's concerns or notes, and I find the thought of preparing for an official visit to the ship very well considered. A crew is always nervous when high-level visitors might step aboard their ship, so it's nice to see this possibility on the Captain's mind as well!
@raventomoe: Nice handling of the relationship between Captain Harlen and Colonel Yagami. Since they are seperate commanders not subordinate to each other, this works well.
About the only thing I found odd was that the ship was setting battle stations before the crew were even sent recall orders from shore leave. This is the equivilant of having a modern warship light off every offensive and defensive system, seal the ship tight against damage, and set its weapons to lock onto anything moving within a few miles of it while sitting at pierside with the crew on liberty out in town or in-port watchstations...I leave it to your imagination what this will do to not only the local base commander, but other ships and planes in the area, local civilian networks, and the crew trying to get back to the ship
@keepcalm: Nice observation on how a Risan ship might differ from other 'warships'. Otherwise, also liked the note about Daring's homeworld culture and what that meant for her after leaving.
@yuzral: I liked your analysis of how nasty the Iconians might be from the reactions of powers who have had to deal with them already. That, and how having so many high-level commanders on the spot might not be simple politics. Nice job!
@grylak: The setting apart of the statements in different lines from who was saying them was a bit disorienting. Generally, actions or notations on a speaker are included with their text to help avoid this except when it would produce a 'wall of text', or the action/notation is particularly important enough to be singled out.
Also, the Prime Directive doesn't really cover civilizations with which the Federation has already made contact with. That would fall under diplomacy and military action. Otherwise, a good summation of the danger a functioning gateway could pose to anyone not in control of it.
@takeshi6: Not sure using an asterisk notation in the middle of a story to promote another is that good an idea as it distracts from the reading at hand (might just settle for a footnote at the end to that effect). Generally, unless it has a direct impact on the current story in such a way that things might not be completely understood without knowing elements of that other story, it's best to keep the two seperated and simply alude to the other story through the characters in the current story or other documentation they might have.
I also admire Admiral Kererek's discipline when one of his junior officers shouts in his face, then resumes speaking as though she hadn't just tried to deafen him.
@unitar: You might consider setting the log entry apart from the text of the story by italicizing it. This lets the reader know you are switching from first-person recording as the characters in the story would see it to a second hand view of events as they transpire.
It also appears you are trying to contain too much into each paragraph. Generally, it's good to set aside events as they happen, if possible, rather than have something happen in the middle of a sentence about some previous state of environment (i.e. "It seems like she was doing more observing of the bridge and recording her own memories as the two friends seem to share another one of their moments in the sun. Then her console sounded an alert. "Captain, the video feed from the surface is being transmitted, placing it on the viewscreen." Then by touching a control, the gathering of the dignitaries and scientists, along with Admiral Seto, appeared." would work better as two seperated paragraphs).
Something else to look for is repeating the same word too often too close together. ("...there was no mistaking that. There was no mistaking one of the Klingons...", "Ambassador Worf. Worf...Worf....Worf..."). Sentences flow a little better if the reader doesn't hit the same word over an over, so you might replace 'And not Ambassador Worf. Worf knew. Then Worf turned...' with something like 'And not Ambassador Worf. He knew. Then the Ambassador turned....'.
Otherwise, a nice summation of events at the gateway.
@mjarbar: Spacing was a bit messed up here, leaving the whole entry as a wall of text to me. I recommend going back and editting each entry after the initial post to insert the breaks that get removed when translating the text to the forums.
I liked the delegation of tasks by the speaker (I assume this is Vice Admiral Mjarbar, but this is never stated in the story and can only surmise this because he never appears in the story otherwise). Nice job on that!
@johngazman: Nice set-up to the story to come! It's a bit odd that we don't see any listing of Captain Walker's actual rank, either on the log ( oh, what Starfleet would say about that little omission) or in the text of the story. Captain, aboard a ship, is almost always a position, denoting the master and ultimate authority on a vessel, so it can't be taken as an actual rank when a commanding officer is so stated. Smaller ships, in fact, have Captains who are actually Lt. Commanders or even Lieutenants. Otherwise, a great introduction to the next chapter in the story.
@danqueller: Hmm...poor style, and what kind of drivel was that log entry?? Why, I don't know what this author was thinking when he wrote this stuff. And what kind of ending was that? I have half a mind to write to this guy and ask him to turn in his word processor! I tell you, they'll let anyone into these Challenges!
@moonshadowdark: As with my review of @unitar's entry above, I think you are putting too much into a single paragraph. This is especially true when switching the focus from one character to another, as each new character introduced or spotlighted for notice should trigger a new section of text, unless it is in the form of a rollcall ("T'Luminareth was the First Officer, while Lumsi filled the role of Chief Engineer....").
I was very disoriented by the line "All three of the commanding officers looked in her direction..." as no commanding officers had been introduced yet. This had the result that I went back to look for them, and could only find Department Heads. Generally speaking, 'commanding officer' refers to the officer who is currently in overall command of a ship, so stating there were three of them made me look for where the commanders of other ships had snuck into the conference room without the dialogue noticing. While someone other than the Captain may be the commanding officer of a ship while the Captain is not on duty, there is still only one such officer at any time on any ship.
Nice touch with having Two not be a coherent speaker! All too often, Liberated Borg are treated in fiction as just normal people with some cybernetics attached, when in fact they are very heavily altered people who have had a vital part of their system of being removed.
And of course, those famous final words guaranteed to ensure a mission will be interesting....:)
@jonsills: I was a bit confused on the first lines as to which character was the Human, and which was the Vulcan, but that got straightened out after that. Absolutely perfect portrayal of both characters' personalities...the renouned Vulcan calm logic in full evidence here, and in great contrast to Sills' reactions!
And mine is up. Sorry I haven't been around the past few weeks. College and work have been keeping me pretty busy (who know that being a Computer Science major would be tough? [/sarcasm]:rolleyes:) Anyways, Let me know what you think! (and yes, the Cliffhanger at the end was deliberate :P What cliffhanger you ask? Read and find out!)
I'll be reading the other entries here myself ASAP, and I'll let you know what I think!
EDIT TO ADD:
For some reason, the posting time here is wrong. Entry was posted at approx. 2130 EST
Vice Admiral Bryan Mitchel Valot
Commanding officer: Odyssey class U.S.S. Athena
Admiral of the 1st Assault Fleet
Join date: Some time in Closed Beta
Comments
@buck311 - Welcome to the LC! Looking forward to going through? Maybe there will be a future LC that allows you to tell us what you found ...
@marcusdkane - I got namechecked! So I had to use the Admiral in my own
@knightraider6 - Do you like the Nebula? I just ... can't ... get into it. Maybe my Fleet Recon is spoiling me. So, clearly Schrodi does not approve of D'Tan's plans. At all. Nice BSG cursing there.
@burstdragon323 - Proper Planning Prevent Poor Performance, so the saying goes.
@drajora - I loved the interplay between Captains. Please keep up with the LCs to give us more!
More reviews after lunch ...
Given the restrictive nature of the LC, it had to be done :cool: And likewise, it's good to know where Kathryn's getting her orders from
I was worried if it might have been a bit on the mean side, but this guy definitely had it coming to him, and this wasn't a suicide from not getting assigned to a ship, but a Michael Hutchence-style accidental death
@keepcalm - So, does Daring have 4 legs and two arms or four arms and two legs?
@yuzrai - Paranoia indeed! Why do I think when the Enterprise is on the scene, something bad is going to happen
@grylak - Ah, Drake. Rykon does not play around at all! Well done of the conversation and for giving us a different point of view on the situation (at least for me).
@takeshi6 - I wondered if there were some Romulans that do not agree with the situation and that's what your piece shows us. Good work!
You two had some decent entries, too - definitely liked Palmer's reaction (marcus), and Kathryn's opinion was interesting to read (scarlet).
Definitely an interesting LC, and an interesting FE, too.
Any time, and thanks :cool: I did/do have another scene in mind, but it's a bit more post-apocalyptic than this LC will allow, so will have to wait for another opportunity to put down
This is my first attempt at an LC but have been toying with the idea of writing Fan Fic for a while, please let me know what you think.
Laters,
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Welcome to the LCs, I really enjoyed it :cool:
"Engineers do it with warp cores"
There is only one other entry and it is the prologue you can find in LC50 right here. This has since been edited based on feedback in order to make it more comprehensive.
As to background, some of it requires knowing a fair bit about the anime Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha (especially going into Season 3 StrikerS and beyond). What you are seeing is a pair who have become not just a regular couple but two very elite commanding officers forged by the numerous conflicts throughout the Alpha and Beta Quadrants. Most notable would be the Cutting The Cord (which I have some notes down made when I had some writer's block including using "Pray" for Fate mowing down Tal Shiar and Scorpions with her Device while in Sonic Form). Also Installation 18 (which has just one note: Jail Scaglietti vs. Hakeev Mad Scientist Showdown) has a few notes down.
As to my OCs, they are based (slight renaming for Robin) on my characters in game and I am actually looking for a cover artist for the first installment.
Edit: Also, Takeshi; going to be reading your installment now.
Edit2: Also, yes...consider that video I linked a fairly good preview of what I am about to unleash...just replace the villians getting pounded with ST villians...
Latter, although the second set are rather smaller and weaker than the primaries. I am, though, still fiddling with the details. She's very much a work in progress.
I just realized, though, a lot of us have already collaborated, and will all have our captains going to the same place for the same event. Methinks there is a lot of collab potential for the Sphere of Influence mission (though it would be weird for Worf to have half a dozen Captains following him around).
Yes, that would be funny and weird. I am hoping the next LC is about the Sphere itself so I can do a story about Adventures in babysitting Vivio and introduce everyone to Fluffy. ^_^
Definitely looking forward to Arkos' reaction to this :cool: I agree, I saw a huge potential for collaboration on this, given it being focussed on a specific event and location, but, without knowing what will happen when the gate is activated, is also terribly restrictive in terms of where the story has to end... If Amanda was to beam down to attend in person (rather than using the Vanguard's tractor beams to just rip the gate out of the planet from orbit...) she would be doing so at a considerable distance, then travelling to the event via the Tumbler she keeps in the cargo bay
honestly? I don't. But she ended up in one in The Chase and I have this weird tendency to use stuff that happened in stories or RP in game...so her defiant went boom, and she's in the McGrath. I think I've at least managed to make it work semi effectively
"he's as dangerous as a ferret with a chainsaw."
USS Gemini - Vesta Class
Captain Sarah Walker - Commanding Officer - Human, Female (Fed Science toon)
Commander Akeen Iheni - First Officer - Andorian, Male
Lt. Commander Andaak - Operations Chief - Klingon, Male
IKS Reclaw- Bortasqu' Class
General Sorval - Commanding Officer - Liberated Borg Klingon, Male (KDF Eng toon.)
RRW N'Ventar - Scimitar Class
Admiral Ayel D'amarok - Commanding Officer - Romulan, Male (RRF Tac toon.)
RRW Ventarix - D'Deridex Retrofit
Admiral T'Mara Praex - Commanding Officer - Romulan, Female (RRF Eng toon)
For anyone who has read a previous entry by me, Sorval continues to act as a rogue Klingon aiding the New Romulan government and refugees, and fighting the Tal Shiar. Both he and T'Mara Praex previously appeared in "I Am The Legacy Of Romulus" and in "In Enemies, Find Allies".
Fantastic entry, I'll look forward to seeing more of Captain Walker :cool:
Thanks, although depending on the subject matter of the next one, it's my intention to bring Sorval back.
Frankly, my posts have a distinct lack of honorably-rogue Klingons, and I aim to rectifiy that.
That sounds like a plan :cool:
Enjoy!
Many thanks, I want to post a longer story properly introducing the characters, but used this opportunity to see if I could come up with some credible dialog and find out how hard it would be to write it.
I have already found that getting down on paper what you think of as going on is a lot harder than first thought as you have to look at so many different aspects of the moment and then choose what you think of as the best response from the other characters to keep the flow of the story moving on.
Get the Forums Enhancement Extension!
Very nice :cool: My thoughts on this would be total spoilers to the plot, so I will just say that I thoroughly enjoyed this entry. A very clever use of the characters :cool:
I think you did a great job
Very nice :cool: I liked Jon's description of The List :cool:
I have to admit, I would not have thought Data was the inspiration, but she's definitely memorable :cool:
Incoming fire! Raise shields!!
Okay, here are my reviews. Took me a bit to read through them and get reviews for all of the posts! I very much enjoyed all these entries, and I want to stress again, especially for those who are new to the LCs, that my reviews are never meant to rip apart an entry but to suggest possible things to look at to improve the writing (in my own opinion only). Please don't take these as anything but attempts at constructive feedback!
And, of course, as the author, no one has to accept my reviews if they decide they don't want to.
So, with that in mind....
@weiir1: Short and to the point. At least one officer thought it might not be the best idea.
@sharpie65: Even shorter and to the point.
@icegavel: Aside from the need to space the text to make it more readable, I liked how the possibility of complete planetary evacuation was brought up. I do think a subtranswarp system isn't exactly something you 'reintegrate' into an engine system quickly, and especially not while underway, but that's author's prerogative I suppose.
@buck311: Another short and to-the-point entry. I find it interesting that the Vice Admiral assumed he would be going through the gateway. Not many Admirals have that liberty (that's why they have to sit at a desk and watch other commanders do the work they would rather be doing most times).
@markusdkane: Nice inclusion of the promotion ceremony there. Easy to forget about the daily life of a commanding officer with all the beams and torpedoes flying. I like how Palmer was less than thrilled to be going into the general vicinity of an activating gateway.
@nightraider6: Hehe....I didn't know Starbuck was reincarnated into Shrodi
@burstdragon323: Short and to the point. About the only thing I can say I found I didn't quite understand is how two other Vice Admirals under Zolaria only commanded single ships instead of a squadron apiece (it happens in rare situations, but usually having two such officers in the same situation under command of another VA would be a sign of serious problems with the two officers).
@drajora: Nice job! I loved how you highlighted the limitations of beam weapons in the Star Trek environment...alot of times it gets forgotten that torpedoes were developed precisely for this reason. It was a bit surprising that the gateway activated without warning or even D'tan being aware it would, so I assume the continuation would be that something else activated the gate. I look forwards to seeing how this plays out in the next LCs.
@cmdrscarlet: Well, I can't fault the Captain's concerns or notes, and I find the thought of preparing for an official visit to the ship very well considered. A crew is always nervous when high-level visitors might step aboard their ship, so it's nice to see this possibility on the Captain's mind as well!
@raventomoe: Nice handling of the relationship between Captain Harlen and Colonel Yagami. Since they are seperate commanders not subordinate to each other, this works well.
About the only thing I found odd was that the ship was setting battle stations before the crew were even sent recall orders from shore leave. This is the equivilant of having a modern warship light off every offensive and defensive system, seal the ship tight against damage, and set its weapons to lock onto anything moving within a few miles of it while sitting at pierside with the crew on liberty out in town or in-port watchstations...I leave it to your imagination what this will do to not only the local base commander, but other ships and planes in the area, local civilian networks, and the crew trying to get back to the ship
@keepcalm: Nice observation on how a Risan ship might differ from other 'warships'. Otherwise, also liked the note about Daring's homeworld culture and what that meant for her after leaving.
@yuzral: I liked your analysis of how nasty the Iconians might be from the reactions of powers who have had to deal with them already. That, and how having so many high-level commanders on the spot might not be simple politics. Nice job!
@grylak: The setting apart of the statements in different lines from who was saying them was a bit disorienting. Generally, actions or notations on a speaker are included with their text to help avoid this except when it would produce a 'wall of text', or the action/notation is particularly important enough to be singled out.
Also, the Prime Directive doesn't really cover civilizations with which the Federation has already made contact with. That would fall under diplomacy and military action. Otherwise, a good summation of the danger a functioning gateway could pose to anyone not in control of it.
@takeshi6: Not sure using an asterisk notation in the middle of a story to promote another is that good an idea as it distracts from the reading at hand (might just settle for a footnote at the end to that effect). Generally, unless it has a direct impact on the current story in such a way that things might not be completely understood without knowing elements of that other story, it's best to keep the two seperated and simply alude to the other story through the characters in the current story or other documentation they might have.
I also admire Admiral Kererek's discipline when one of his junior officers shouts in his face, then resumes speaking as though she hadn't just tried to deafen him.
@unitar: You might consider setting the log entry apart from the text of the story by italicizing it. This lets the reader know you are switching from first-person recording as the characters in the story would see it to a second hand view of events as they transpire.
It also appears you are trying to contain too much into each paragraph. Generally, it's good to set aside events as they happen, if possible, rather than have something happen in the middle of a sentence about some previous state of environment (i.e. "It seems like she was doing more observing of the bridge and recording her own memories as the two friends seem to share another one of their moments in the sun. Then her console sounded an alert. "Captain, the video feed from the surface is being transmitted, placing it on the viewscreen." Then by touching a control, the gathering of the dignitaries and scientists, along with Admiral Seto, appeared." would work better as two seperated paragraphs).
Something else to look for is repeating the same word too often too close together. ("...there was no mistaking that. There was no mistaking one of the Klingons...", "Ambassador Worf. Worf...Worf....Worf..."). Sentences flow a little better if the reader doesn't hit the same word over an over, so you might replace 'And not Ambassador Worf. Worf knew. Then Worf turned...' with something like 'And not Ambassador Worf. He knew. Then the Ambassador turned....'.
Otherwise, a nice summation of events at the gateway.
@mjarbar: Spacing was a bit messed up here, leaving the whole entry as a wall of text to me. I recommend going back and editting each entry after the initial post to insert the breaks that get removed when translating the text to the forums.
I liked the delegation of tasks by the speaker (I assume this is Vice Admiral Mjarbar, but this is never stated in the story and can only surmise this because he never appears in the story otherwise). Nice job on that!
@johngazman: Nice set-up to the story to come! It's a bit odd that we don't see any listing of Captain Walker's actual rank, either on the log ( oh, what Starfleet would say about that little omission) or in the text of the story. Captain, aboard a ship, is almost always a position, denoting the master and ultimate authority on a vessel, so it can't be taken as an actual rank when a commanding officer is so stated. Smaller ships, in fact, have Captains who are actually Lt. Commanders or even Lieutenants. Otherwise, a great introduction to the next chapter in the story.
@danqueller: Hmm...poor style, and what kind of drivel was that log entry?? Why, I don't know what this author was thinking when he wrote this stuff. And what kind of ending was that? I have half a mind to write to this guy and ask him to turn in his word processor! I tell you, they'll let anyone into these Challenges!
@moonshadowdark: As with my review of @unitar's entry above, I think you are putting too much into a single paragraph. This is especially true when switching the focus from one character to another, as each new character introduced or spotlighted for notice should trigger a new section of text, unless it is in the form of a rollcall ("T'Luminareth was the First Officer, while Lumsi filled the role of Chief Engineer....").
I was very disoriented by the line "All three of the commanding officers looked in her direction..." as no commanding officers had been introduced yet. This had the result that I went back to look for them, and could only find Department Heads. Generally speaking, 'commanding officer' refers to the officer who is currently in overall command of a ship, so stating there were three of them made me look for where the commanders of other ships had snuck into the conference room without the dialogue noticing. While someone other than the Captain may be the commanding officer of a ship while the Captain is not on duty, there is still only one such officer at any time on any ship.
Nice touch with having Two not be a coherent speaker! All too often, Liberated Borg are treated in fiction as just normal people with some cybernetics attached, when in fact they are very heavily altered people who have had a vital part of their system of being removed.
And of course, those famous final words guaranteed to ensure a mission will be interesting....:)
@jonsills: I was a bit confused on the first lines as to which character was the Human, and which was the Vulcan, but that got straightened out after that. Absolutely perfect portrayal of both characters' personalities...the renouned Vulcan calm logic in full evidence here, and in great contrast to Sills' reactions!
Nicely done!
_
I'll be reading the other entries here myself ASAP, and I'll let you know what I think!
EDIT TO ADD:
For some reason, the posting time here is wrong. Entry was posted at approx. 2130 EST
Commanding officer: Odyssey class U.S.S. Athena
Admiral of the 1st Assault Fleet
Join date: Some time in Closed Beta
Thanks! Data on TNG was one of my favorite characters and I inspired Two from him.
-Leonard Nimoy, RIP