Mission Name: Star Trek: Saturn Ep I Intro Author's Handle:@alysvanya Level: Any? Mission ID: ST-HNEXBKEKB Allegiance:Federation Running Time: 60 minutes (estimated)
OVERVIEW:
This a nice introductory mission that combines some humor with an almost Final Fantasy-like storyline and a good mix of battles. You are called upon to investigate the mysterious disappearance of some freighters from Federation space near Wolf 359. During the mission you will visit Vulcan, a massive debris field near Wolf 359 and a Ferengi ship repair station (and motel) set in an even more massive debris field. Along the way you will battle Orions and Cardassians and discover an encrypted PADD that may hold the key to the disappearance of the freighters -- or possibly something even bigger.
I enjoyed the mission and its mix of seriousness and humor.
The Vulcan segment played like something straight out of Final Fantasy XII, even down to the incidental things people said and how they were named.
The ground sets tended to be a bit Spartan in their design, but definitely looked nice. The space sets were DENSE! I really liked the repair shop space maps. They had a lot going on.
I had intended to do only a summary review since my intent was to review the next part in the series, but -- I just couldn't help myself. There are a lot of grammar, punctuation and spelling issues. So I started listing them as an aid to the author and, the next thing I knew, I was doing pretty much one of my more detailed reviews.
This isn't quite to the standard of my detailed review, since I didn't nitpick everything. (There's a lot of missing punctuation -- especially commas -- that I didn't include.) But I did try to hit all of the spelling issues and inconsistencies that I found.
And Tiffany, please don't be disheartened by the number of items listed here. If you've seen any of my reviews you'll know that I tend to find a lot of spelling/grammar flaws in practically everyone's missions. So you are in good company. My goal with any detailed review is to help authors make their good missions better.
Okay, so here are my impressions as I played through the mission:
PROJECT DESCRIPTION:
Excellent use of the [MissionInfo] tags here. And I love that you signed your project description. It's kind of classy.
I would recommend a couple of things here, though:
#1: I would reduce the amount of text that talks about the series, move it to the bottom, after the MissionInfo, and enclose it in [OOC] tags. All you really need to say is that this is the first of an eight-part series, and maybe that you are dedicating it to Gene. Maybe keep the "Dear Player" since it is rather sweet. But free up the rest of the 1,000 characters to...
#2: SELL YOUR MISSION! I would move the mission description and title to the top and "sell" the mission a lot more. It almost seems like you are saying "Ho-hum... here's my mission." You've got a good mission here -- give people a reason to click that [Hail] button.
"However, no ships detected or evidence of weapons fire." That sentence needs some work. For example: "However, no ships were detected and there is no evidence of weapon fire."
mean time -> meantime
of corse -> of course
Her only Daughter D'Ghett... -> Her only daughter, D'Ghett, ...
I'll see what i can do... -> I'll see what I can do...
This unlike her. -> This is unlike her.
Do you have any idea where she cloud have gone? -> Do you have any idea of where she could have gone?
...respected Vulcan's in history. -> ...respected Vulcans in history.
VULCAN SPACE
Nice set of battles.
Consider naming the objectives uniquely. Something besides "Defeat Orions"
U.S.S. Coal? Could be, but from the names of the other ships in the area, I'm guessing you meant U.S.S. Cole.
There are a few zees in Vanya's dialogue where you normally would have esses. I thought at first it was an accent, but it wasn't consistent. If you intend to do an accent, then it would be best if ALL of Vanya's esses were turned into zees. With some changed and others not, it looks like bad spelling and you lose the flavor of an accent. Inconsistency in something like that is very distracting to your player/reader.
Good use of the beacon flash and sound -- those reach markers are tiny!
Sneaky Orions! They ambushed me from behind!
Why do we head back to the Yorktown D to report in after the ambush? Couldn't we just hail them from where we are? This feels like busy work.
Agreed and Understood, Capt. -> Agreed and understood, Capt.
According to sensors the Ferengi... -> According to sensors, the Ferengi...
Follow them. Warp 8 -> Follow them. Warp 8!
APPROACHING KOZAK'S
WOW! That's some debris field! This is a great looking map!
I really like the look of this station and how busy it is with all of the ships. It can be improved a bit though: I would recommend that you have two or three ships wandering around! That would complete the look of a busy black market spaceport.
I would recommend widening the reach marker to have a radius of 3km or more. It's unnecessarily small.
This is a beautiful map, but it's a bit of a "One task wonder". The only thing we do here is trigger the reach marker. Not bad in this case, but it's something to be avoided, if possible.
"Fore, if you continue... affairs. You will..." -> "For if you continue... affairs, you will..."
DEEP SPACE NINE
"It'z good to see you." Again, I'm not sure if the zees are meant to be an accent or not since their application is not consistent.
Nice ending message. It would have been nice to see a different face than Vanya's representing you, though. I had a moment of confusion seeing your name, but seeing Vanya's face.
Quick update: I had started to look at "Star Trek: Saturn Ep 2" last week, but was coming down with a cold virus at the time and abandoned the mission early. (Sinus pressure made it hard to concentrate. )
My current plans, assuming I'm fully recovered from this virus tomorrow, are to provide editorial reviews of "Infinite Shift" and "Star Trek: Saturn Ep 2" later this week.
I'm also planning to do two more next week: "The Raven and the Marionette", which has had my interest piqued for a while, and "A Time to Search".
This is an editorial review. This means I am treating your mission as if it was submitted to me as a manuscript for publication. As the Editor, my job is to work with the author to hone the "manuscript" (the mission) into something I would be proud to publish under my imprint. As such, I will be looking at your mission in a microscopic fashion.
Note that because of the level of detail, I'm basically putting Post-It notes on your manuscript. This means that I'm writing as I play your mission. The result is that you will see a mix of impressions and recommendations in the first section of each map's review. This is true for each section of the review except for the Overview, where I give my overall impressions and opinions after finishing your mission.
Each map review contains a separate section addressing spelling/grammar/etc. I find that separating this "mechanical" stuff out helps people separate my opinions and impressions from the nitpicky stuff that just needs to be fixed. I think it also helps the reader to not think "every mission sucks" because they stop seeing the good stuff embedded in all the nitpicks. Plus, darnit, I think it looks better that way.
This is a very strong story. It is well thought out and progresses cleanly. From the very beginning, the author creates an atmosphere of conflict and suspicion that is one of the keys to driving a good plot. There are some nice twists in the story and the author shied away from making the most suspicious characters be the villains.
The author has done a wonderful job of presenting the player with dialogue options to suit a number of moods and personalities. The follow-on dialogue trees are almost always unique and appropriate to the player's chosen responses. I think this approach to story-telling is where "Infinite Shift" shines the greatest.
This is very much a Romulan mission. The Romulan characters (including the player) have strong cultural roots that are expressed in their conversations and responses. The author has taken pains to reflect the historical events that the player has already experienced as a Federation-aligned Romulan character, recalling many events from the main STOL Romulan story line.
With the possible exception of the few space maps that are intentionally cloned from Cryptic's maps, I found the custom maps to have good design, energy and an essence of life. Some of the maps are wonderfully cluttered while others have a stark, Spartan appearance. There are no cookie-cutters here.
When the story called for special effects they were well-executed and appropriate. A few were breathtaking.
This reviewer was VERY pleasantly surprised to find almost a dearth of spelling issues. I believe a total THREE were found in a very text-heavy mission -- at least in the dialog paths that I chose.
Where this mission needs a LOT of polish though, is in it's approach to punctuation, grammar and sentence structure. The abundance of these problems was great enough that I had to back off on detailing each individual problem. Instead, I started listing categories of problems and left finding them as an exercise for the author.
I would like to take a quick look at each major category of problem, though, and briefly address the kinds of things that need to be fixed.
Run-on sentences
Unfortunately, most people who author run-on sentences attempt to defend them as stylistic choices. Here's the bottom line for this mission. You've got a great story here, but in order to share that story you can't just tell it -- you've got to tell it WELL. If people find your sentences hard to keep track of they'll start glossing over them or give up on the mission entirely. So you have a responsibility TO YOURSELF, as well as your readers, to communicate clearly. That's more important than defending a personal style.
The good news is that run-ons are pretty easy to fix. Find the "ands", commas, ellipses, etc. and turn them into periods. Seriously, it's usually that simple. You may have to convert a pronoun here and there to a name or other noun, but trust me, it's worth the effort. To find run-ons, READ YOUR DIALOG OUT LOUD! If you find yourself running out of breath or not remembering where the sentence started -- you have a run-on. If there is more than one subject and verb, you probably have a run-on.
Oddly, you seem to have restricted your run-on sentences to dialogue. Most of the data bank responses were cleanly written in concise, single-thought sentence structures.
Hanging hyphens
A hanging hyphen looks like this: "Yesterday he ate meat- but I could have sworn he is a vegetarian." That hyphen, the way it is being used, is not English punctuation. You seem to have used this when you needed a break in a thought, but weren't sure what punctuation to use. In most cases you were looking for either an ellipsis (...) or a long dash (--).
Use an ellipsis (...) when your character's thoughts are trailing off or require a "pregnant pause". It's also used, as you'll see throughout this review, to indicate that quoted text has been truncated.
Use a long dash (--) when you've said what is important, but it feels like you need to add more detail to what you just said. It's a way of scrunching a declarative sentence and a supporting sentence into one.
Inappropriate semicolons
JUST SAY NO TO SEMICOLONS!
The truth is that semicolons have exactly two, extremely limited uses in the English language:
The first is to separate lists of items or thoughts. The key word there being "lists" -- things you would be tempted to put into bullet points.
The second is as a device to concatenate related clauses.
That's it. There are no other uses in written English. (It has lots of other uses, of course, but only these two as a punctuation mark for prose or dialogue.)
And here's the rub -- the second case is very rare in prose writing and even more rare in speech/dialogue. So you are best off not attempting to "concatenate related clauses" unless you are absolutely sure that's what you intend to do.
In most cases, you used semicolon where you really needed to use either a colon ( : ), period (.), ellipsis (...) or long dash (--). We discussed the latter two earlier.
In dialogue, a colon is used to separate a statement from text that proves, explains, defines, describes or follows from it.
Over-capitalization
Lots of authors have this problem. Fortunately, your over-capitalizations are restricted to statements of player objectives and interaction button texts.
Since it's obvious from going through your mission that you know proper capitalization rules, I'm not going to discuss where and when to capitalize.
I am going to state that you should treat both statements of the player's objective and interaction button texts as if they are any other sentence. THEY ARE NOT TITLES, they are instructions.
'nuff sed? Okay!
Objectives need to be stated as objectives
Objectives are NOT chapter titles, even though in the Foundry's editor windows it makes you think like that. (Believe me, I've fallen into the same trap.) But when you actually play your mission and remember that you aren't supposed to know what comes next, it becomes glaringly obvious that these are not chapter titles. They are instructions to the player. Treat them as such.
All of the above are important because they make your text easier to read and understand. And if it's easier to read and understand, people will enjoy the experience more. It's that simple.
23:42
Okay, on to the details!
PROJECT DESCRIPTION:18:00
Woo-hoo! This mission qualifies for Foundry rewards. Congrats!
It has 14 reviewed plays and all but one have 4-5 stars. This looks promising. (Plus I have stoutes' review in the back of my head confirming it.)
I like the premise. There's just enough intrigue in the mission description to let me know that there's friction with the Federation. You've also foreshadowed that even this "routine" mission is likely to go sour.
I also like the tone of your mission description, as if it is a communique from a superior. This is very much in keeping with the Cryptic format.
The mission text could use a tiny bit of work, though, to read cleaner. (See below)
Yea! You have MissionInfo. To be consistent with your mission description, I would rephrase it though to be more imperative. Again, following Cryptic's lead, I would lean toward something like "Go to the Celes System, which is in the Regulus Sector Block, to meet up with your Federation partners."
The version number (V.0.8-) should be inside the [OOC] tags. And I'd lose the trailing hyphen.
You may get varying opinions on this, but I would recommend you move the [MissionInfo] above [OOC]. I generally expect to see a (white text) Mission Description followed by [MissionInfo] followed by optional [OOC]. This aligns most closely with what players are used to seeing in Cryptic's mission descriptions. (For example, "New Romulus Aid" follows this pattern.) When in doubt, I defer to Cryptic since this best represents what your players are used to seeing.
"...some of which is optional, some of which is not." Drop the last part -- it's implied.
Since you have already created the KDF version of this mission, you really should update that last bullet point from saying that you "may" do it and indicate that there is, indeed, a KDF version!
Punctuation: "Command on Mol'Rihan has a new assignment for you;". This should be a colon, not a semicolon.
Awkward: "...a joint survey of a nearby nebula alongside a Starfleet vessel, in the interests of furthering relations." Try reorganizing the sentence a bit to something like: "...in the interests of furthering our relationship with Starfleet, I'm sending you on a joint survey of a nearby nebula alongside one of their vessels." This feels nitpicky -- and it is -- but remember that this is the first sentence that your players will see! If it is an awkward read, they may be worried that they are in for a headache decoding your prose and NOT HIT THE HAIL BUTTON! (As you may recall, that's almost exactly what happened with me... though I did hit [Hail], I didn't hit [Accept]) First impressions are everything.
Awkward/wordy/repetitious/verging on run-on/initial conjunctive/unnecessary punctuation: "But this is Starfleet, and if any Romulan or Reman knows anything about them, it's that missions for Starfleet never seem to go quite to their expectations." You've got a GREAT premise here (and it's your "hook"), and it has good fragments, but they can be assembled much more cleanly. Here's an example: "Be on the alert! This is Starfleet and every Romulan and Reman that's worked with them knows that things never go quite to their expectations." Something like that, anyway, that breaks the thoughts up. Again, the sentiment is perfect, and very Romulan -- that sense of near distrust reels me into hitting the [Hail] button. It just needs to be stated cleanly and simply.
"Runtime at least 1 hour 30 mins min, more with optional dialogue." ==> "Running time: 1 hour and 30 minutes minimum -- longer with optional dialogue."
19:00
GRANT DIALOG:19:00
High priority? Hmm... is this not just a routine survey?
"We're receiving a hail for a mission briefing on a high-priority secure channel, sir...." How does my BOFF know it's a mission briefing? I'd simplify this a bit to "We're being hailed on a high-priority, secure channel, sir..."
Okay, I think I'll accept this mission...
Yea! Pop-up dialog from the grant dialog! While it's technically not part of the grant, I'll comment on it here.
I really like Subcommander Lhorell's model (Foundry costume). She's attractive and has a businesslike air. And it's nice to see a darker skinned officer that's not Klingon! It's unfortunate that the background is so dark in the dialog window.
"Jolan Tru." Nice start for a Romulan-oriented mission.
You are going to get burnt on this next one whichever way you go... "Tal'Shiar". I'm pretty sure that the STOL standard matches your spelling, which includes the glottal stop/apostrophe. But Memory Alpha omits it. And I've seen others claim that STOL omits it. My opinion? Pick one and stay consistent throughout. If you can find a good in-game mention of that shadowy organization, use what Cryptic uses.
EDIT: I've verified that the game agrees with Memory Alpha. The correct spelling is "Tal Shiar".
Lhorell has a careful and convoluted way of speaking that fits a more devious mindset. (Is she Tal'Shiar?!?!?) Aside from the exceptions noted below, these speeches work well for her when they are spoken out loud.
Nice restatement of the [MissionInfo]. It's not necessary in a grant or post-grant dialog, since it is ephemeral, but it's an expected form to follow. Nice!
Branching dialog in a grant! Yea!
Titles that repeat the user's dialog choices. This is a good use of the title field and it's consistent with Cryptic's usage. I do the same thing. I won't ding anyone for not doing it, but I'll always praise someone who does. Nice!
Punctuation: "...high-priority secure channel, sir.... It's..." An ellipsis is exactly three consecutive periods. No more, no less.
Unrelated thoughts/missing article/run-on/punctuation/pronoun agreement: "Both Proconsul D'Tan and Subcommander Nadel are impressed with your dedication to Republic thus far- though he has much to keep track of, your victories over the Tal'Shiar and Elachi have lessened his troubles quite a bit." There are a lot of issues here:
You've really got two separate sentences here, but the hyphen and the use of pronouns seems to indicate a single sentence.
The single hyphen immediately following a word and succeeded by a space is only used to indicate that word is to be continued on the next line. A double-hyphen surrounded by spaces, which you may have meant to use here, is used when you need to expand a thought that you haven't completed. That's not really appropriate here either. In any case, it confuses and slows down you reader.
You appear to be missing the word "the" before "Republic".
Your subject is plural ("Both Proconsul D'Tan and Subcommander Nadel"), but your continuation sentence uses the singular pronoun "he" twice. I had to read it a couple of times to figure out you meant D'Tan.
I think you can clean this up with very minimal change. Here's how I'd fix it: "Both Proconsul D'Tan and Subcommander Nadel are impressed with your dedication to the Republic thus far. Though he has much to keep track of, your victories over the Tal'Shiar and Elachi have lessened D'Tan's troubles quite a bit."
Odd: "As of recent,..." A more common phrasing would be "As of late,...", but I would personally favor the simpler "Recently..." or "Lately...", either of which sounds more natural when spoken out loud -- even to a Romulan ear.
Punctuation: "They believe it to be worth something- investigation, at the very least." ==> "They believe it to be worth something... investigation, at the very least." A double-hyphen would be appropriate here as well, but I think this is more of a pause in thought than an expansion, so I wrote it with an ellipsis.
Punctuation: "This is where you come in; D'Tan..." ==> "This is where you come in: D'Tan..."
Odd: "...believes you would be excellent candidates for our half." This is just kind of a left field word usage considering the sharing of the mission was mentioned last on the previous dialog box. "this mission" or something similar would be cleaner.
Unnecessary punctuation: "Since the Republic is lacking in science-specialized vessels at this time, they will be providing one, in exchange for the [FullShipName]'s protection." Drop that comma.
Awkward, but acceptable: "And what is the vessel we're to escort, Subcommander." This is acceptable in a formal conversation like this, but so is something simpler to parse, such as "Which vessel will we be escorting, Subcommander?" or even "Who commands the Starfleet vessel, Subcommander?" (Ships and their skippers being almost synonymous.)
Abbreviation: Favor "U.S.S." over "USS".
Run-on/punctuation/missing verb: "The Republic has little information on this ship, [RANK]; it is a strictly science vessel, with few weapons and other armaments, and in Starfleet's opinion best suited to research work well within the Federation's borders." ==> "The Republic has little information on this ship, [RANK]. It is strictly a science vessel with few weapons or other armaments and, in Starfleet's opinion, is best-suited to research work well within the Federation's borders."
Inappropriate use of semicolon: "I understand; we'll depart immediately." ==> "I understand. We'll depart immediately." Semicolon use is a bit of an art. It's best reserved for separating lists of thoughts or things. Avoid the temptation to use it anywhere else.
Odd phrasing: "With all respect, Subcommander..." A more common phrasing would be "With all due respect, Subcommander..."
Badly-formed ellipsis/missing hyphenation: "Aren't their ships a little more.... well suited for this?" ==> "Aren't their ships a little more... well-suited for this?"
Inappropriate use of semicolon: "What about the nebula itself; what do we know about it?" ==> "What about the nebula itself? What do we know about it?"
Punctuation: "You. [RANK], are one of..." ==> "You, [RANK], are one of..."
Odd word choice: "...see your presence as a marker of the Republic's..." ==> "...see your presence as a symbol of the Republic's..."
WTF?: "We may be doing them a favor be we also stand the chance...."
Badly-formed ellipsis: "...[RANK], I can look.... elsewhere."
Inappropriate use of semicolon: "Of course not; you have my apologies." ==> "Of course not. You have my apologies."
Inappropriate use of semicolon: "...require a set of confirmation codes; they have been..." ==> "...require a set of confirmation codes. They have been..."
20:48
Since there's a pattern of sentence structure, punctuation and run-on sentence issues in fairly large numbers, I'm going to refrain from citing specific instances for the remainder of the review in order to save some time.
Transition from Cryptic Social Maps21:43
The objective reads "Meeting the Neighbors", which is a nice chapter title, but not the best statement of the player's objective. Prefer something like "Rendezvous with the Triaxa in the Celes System, Regulus Sector", which clearly states the player's next objective.
Good map transition diaolgue. I would normally complain that I should be getting this diaolgue from my Space Tactical BOFF instead of the map transition default Space Science BOFF, but since this is ostensibly a science mission, I can overlook the infraction. You may still want to consider switching from the default costume to the player's Space Tactical BOFF.
I have mixed emotions on the button text of "Begin Infinite Shift". I kind of like it, but only seconds ago I pressed a button that also said "Begin Infinite Shift" when I approached the Celes System. The redundancy is grating. I'd go with something like "Approach the Triaxa" or some other appropriate skipper's phrase. (Also, if you want to keep that text, you really should put quotation marks around the mission title.)
Title not quoted: Begin Infinite Shift ==> Begin "Infinite Shift" (Assuming you don't change the button text entirely.)
22:00
CELES SYSTEM 22:01
As soon as I enter the system I have a completed objective called "Inifinity Shift". That's odd.
The first dialog on this map uses "Tal Shiar" instead of "Tal'Shiar", which you used earlier. Pick one and stay consistent.
Some mission of enhancing relations! Do they really think we are Tal Shiar?
I like the options to be a bit beligerent!
Good use of [OOC] to indicate the station operator's resignation.
Now my objective is "The USS Triaxa". It's really not a statement of an objective.
Prefer something like "Approach the U.S.S. Triaxa." Even though I was told by the station operator that the Captain wants to talk to me, you haven't given the player a direct statement of what's expected. This is what the objective text is for. And yes, there's an objective marker on the mini-map, but that tends to be less obvious.
I remember that Celes is a binary star system, but I can'/t recall what the default map looks like. This is nice, though. I like the silent beacons surrounding SB114.
Hmmm... I see that the Dredda-ti is damaged. There's trouble in the air -- and more than just some nervous starbase toadies looking for codes.
"USS Exeter" -- I won't harp on it, but this one is kind of in stone. "U.S.S."/"I.S.S."/etc. The only exception is "NCC-#####", but it's also a registration number designation, not a title.
"Talk to USS Triaxa" -- that's kind of odd. A more comfortable phrasing would be "Hail the U.S.S. Triaxa".
Nice character model for the Triaxa's captain! A toeheaded Bajoran -- not common.
Having the ship's captain welcome me to the starbase from her ship is a tiny bit odd.
More opportunities for snarky dialog choices. Good stuff.
Take on some satellites, eh? My Shenanigans Meter is starting to ping...
Speaking of pinging... I keep hearing a beacon pinging during this dialogue. Not a big deal, but it would be nice to shut the beacon off when it's not the current objective.
Again, good use of the [MissionInfo] tags.
New objective "Retrieve satellites". Okay, this is better. But it could be improved further to "Retrieve the satellites" or "Retrieve the satellites from Starbase 114"
"...there's another subspace communication coming through; it's the same one as the last time." This just doesn't sound like something a highly-trained military officer would say. "...we're receiving another transmission from Subadmiral Lhorell, [RANK]." would be more appropriate. We know that Federation subspace messages have caller ID, there's no reason to suspect that the Romulans couldn't figure out how to do it.
A new cast member to temporarily join my crew. Nice.
Wait a second... I get accused of being Tal Shiar and now you want me to take a "former" Tal Shiar officer onto my Bridge? In a targ's eye!
Oh sure... bring up the fact that I masqueraded as a Tal Shiar. Just throw that in my face. (Forget the fact that my captain is wearing her Tal Shiar uniform at this very moment!)
AND the Khnial incident... low blow Lhorell... low blow. I'm still not taking her!
Okay... I'll take the double-agent. But I refuse to like it!
New objective... "R.R.W. Saken"... you know the drill.
"Talk to R.R.W. Saken" -- same comment as before.
I'm loving all the optional dialog paths and the fact that they aren't just
"deadheaded" -- they all have dialog behind them.
New objective... "Beam over the astrophysicist". SPOT ON!
"Triaxa signals ready if we are, Commander,..." Commander? That should have probably been a [RANK] tag. Also, this is an awkward and unprofessional fragment. A more complete thought would be along the lines of "The Triaxa has informed us they are ready to leave when we are, [RANK],..."
Good on the map transition button. "By all means." I like it.
Hanging hyphens instead of long dash (double-hyphen surrounded by spaces)
Extra commas.
Question that ends with a period instead of a interrogatory mark.
This is the first example of inappropriate capitalization I've seen, so I'll point out the specific case: "Have the Satellites Beamed Over" ==> "Have the satellites beamed over"
FIRST SPELLING ERROR: "...my bursque manner..." ==> "...my brusque manner..."
00:16 -- fleet and personal conversations intervening
THE AZURE NEBULA00:21
Objective "Place satellites". Perfect!
Ooo... a know-it-all dialogue choice, but I think I'll take the cautious answer this time.
An exploratory dialog tree with an escape option. Good!
Too bad this is a pop-up dialog. This would have been a good place to use a diminishing response set.
WTF?: "The Triaxa has had some of the most encounters with the mirror universe..."
A side conversation with my tactical BOFF? VERY NICE!
I'm not sure if this is a spelling error or intentional: "...I believe this rouge planetary body..." I think you meant "rogue" and not the facial coloring "rouge". I only question it because it is a bit reddish. But I think this is a typo.
[V] key reminder is always welcome. The reminder is probably best enclosed in [OOC] tags, though.
It's good to see the satellites appear as part of the interaction.
Flash and ping at space reach markers. Excellent.
Two of the satellite points appear to be below the starting plane, but only by a bit. I think that's good. I'm of the school that these things should be NEAR the starting plane (Y-axis), not necessarily on it. When everything is on the starting plane it feels artificial. 10 km either direction should be a max in most cases.
"...Starfleet seemed to think it was, but... However,..." Ouch! Pick one of those conjunctives. Don't use both consecutively! If you fix nothing else, fix this! I'd drop the "However" -- it's redundant here and you've kind of littered your dialogue with howevers.
"I take it you have some other menial task for us." This line is GOLDEN. But it needs to end with an interrogatory mark, not a period.
Spot on again with the [MissionInfo]
"Helm, take us over the Triaxa" While this COULD be legit, I think I'd still favor "Helm, take us over to the Triaxa."
New objective "Set up a containment field". This is good, but our current objective is actually to meet with the Triaxa, according to the dialogue. Considering the naming of the reach point, perhaps "Move into a position opposite the Triaxa" is better.
Wow! Lots of dialog options. I want to try them ALL! But I'll go with the astrophysicist that is probably planning to sabotage this mission and bring the Tal Shiar down on our heads.
"...completely unpredictable..." ==> favor "...random..." since this is already a long sentence. A good scientist is concise.
Excellent... let's give the traitor to the Triaxa and get her OFF MY SHIP! (*steeples hands ala Mr. Burns*)
Bajoran religious cursing. Ahhhh.... *smile*
New mission objective "Inconvenient Timing" -- not really an objective.
Backing into the rocks may have been a tactical error, but my beloved Mirror Ha'apax is barely scratched. Silly Terran Empire.
New mission objective "Containment failure..." Cute, but not helpful as an objective.
New mission objective "*MINOR SPOILER*" -- still not an objective, but kind of funny.
The response "An unfortunate but distinct possibility" is non sequiter. I have no reason to choose that response since no possibility has been proposed!
Meh, I wanted the snarky response anyway.
"Talk to the Romulan Cruiser" -- again, prefer "Hail" over "Talk to". Also, it's not necessary to capitalize "cruiser" in this case since it is a generic classification.
New mission objective "Talk to the Romulan Cruiser" It's an objective, but see previous bullet.
Oh goody! I guessed that *SPOILER* had happened. And you've given me so many response to choose from! I shall laugh in his face!
New mission objective "Take Out the Romulan Cruiser". Good objective, but "out" and "cruiser" should not be capitalized.
New mission objective "Further Impressment (#/3)". Impressment is the act of forcing someone into public service. (It's where we get the term "press gang" from.) It really doesn't make any sense here.
Those battles were a bit challenging. Good!
Hey, a sneaky map change coming. I wouldn't have suspected a thing if it weren't for the "Not now" option.
Remove my weapons... hmm... everything but my Lirpa, I think. (I have a similar suggestion in my first Foundry mission.)
I would recommend using [OOC] tags rather than [MissionInfo] tags for the instructions to remove the weapons. MissionInfo is generally reserved for giving objective and directional information and is still considered "in story". This is more of a "meta" instruction to the player and seems more like an [OOC] thing -- especially since you refer to the "map".
New mission objective: "Explore the Camp". Very good except for the over-capitalization. Remember: these are instructions, not chapter titles.
"Jem'Hadar Lieutenant Male 01" 'nuff said.
I like how many of your extras have defined jobs and aren't just standing around.
One or two wandering characters would finish this opening scene. It has life, but it is still a bit static.
The scene with the Romulan prisoner and Jem'Hadar Third sparrig is good.
I like where the people are sitting at the tables, but the tables are bare! Some props on the tables (mugs, plates, papers) would add a lot here.
A few more dialogue bubbles in the room with the tables would be nice.
The second dialog triggered by the reach marker is titled "Engineering Officer", but I'm seeing my ground Science BOFF in the window.
"No one knows Rihannsu like Rihannsu, right?" -- Very nice.
Oh! A couple of very different options are offered next!
VERY NICE use of MissionInfo: "Find your crewmates..."
I know it's your science officer saying it, and the player answering, but I'd consider changing "There might be a couple of different options, sir..." to "There might be a few different options, sir..." since the user is presented with more than two responses.
New mission objective: "Find Your Crew". Solid objective. Fix the overcapitalization.
I like the stacked prison cells... like crates in a shipyard.
"Talk to Subordinates"??? There's just one guy. Also, "Subordinates" should not be capitalized here.
New mission objective "Free Crewmembers". Good objective. I think, even though what you have is valid, I would opt for "Free crew members" in this case. It's a subtle contextual usage issue, but the compound word "crewmembers" is not favored here.
Since I'm picking this mission back up eleven hours later, I'm wondering if I've forgotten a detail: why is my away team allowed to walk around freely, but the rest of my crew is imprisoned? If it's already been explained by the Vorta, then that's fine. If not, there should be some explanation for the preferential treatment by either the Vorta on my ship or the Warden.
New mission objective "Defeat the Warden (Opt: Create Distractions)" Good! I would avoid abbreviating "Optional" here. And there's always the over-capitalization. *smile* But "Warden" should be capitalized, since it is a formal title.
I like the pop-up optional objectives. Again, avoid abbreviating "Optional" -- there's plenty of room to spell it out.
Hmmm... again my Ground Science BOFF's costume is responding in place of my Ground Engineering BOFF. I do have an engineering BOFF in the team, the only Reman on my staff, so the error is glaring.
Fun technobabble!
Science BOFF costume instead of Engineer BOFF again (after sabotaging the pipes.)
Good fight... fists vs. disruptors. (I left my lirpa in its box after all.)
New mission objective "Reprogram Transporter". Good! (over-capitalization, of course.)
New mission objective "Please Select Your Destination" -- That's really more of a computer prompt than an objective. Drop the "Please".
New mission objective "Get on the Transporter Pad" -- Good!, but only "Get" should be capitalized.
Good job of reminding the player to re-equip weapons. Again, I'd prefer to see you use [OOC] here.
And yes! Another well-disguised map transition. Not one "Go to next map" prompt yet! Woo-hoo!
"I think at best we can..." ==> "I think, at best, we can..."
Run-on sentences.
"Alright, transporter." This would better as one of the following: "Alright: transporter." or "Alright, transporter it is."
"Once we have found them, though... how to we go about getting to the transporter?" ==> "Once we have found them, though... how do we go about getting to the transporter?"
"...sent to fight for a prisoners' morale boost." ==> "...sent to fight for a prisoner's morale boost." The phrase "a prisoner" indicates that prisoner is singular, therefore the apostrophe comes before the possessive "s".
"...a microdyne coupler is what you need, he's right." Two glaring issues here. My BOFF just called her FEMALE superior "he" and the placement of the phrase "he's right" is syntactically incorrect. You can fix both issues by removing the phrase entirely -- it's not needed.
18:06
THE SURFACE18:07
New mission objective: "Find A Map". Good objective/bad capitalization.
Cool looking cityscape. And there are people walking around. It's alive!
Good use of [OOC] at the map terminal.
Love the error message in the voicemail system.
New mission objective: "Find Someone Who Can Help You" -- nice. Has me chuckling.
New mission objective: "Talk to Your Crewman" -- to the point. From here on out, "fix your capitalization" is implied.
Wait... I have the option to LIE TO MY CREWMAN?!?!? Oh... I don't want to, but I'm going to...
"The Klingon, for instance." Ouch! That's pretty impersonal. And it implies that my crew only had a single Klingon on board. Perhaps naming the Klingon and referring to him by name would be less rude. A LOT less.
ch'Rihan... emotional.
New mission objective: "Explain the Situation" -- I'm not exactly sure what this means. Explain to whom?
Found those pesky crewmen!
New mission objective: "Find a Place to Stay". Clear and clean.
New mission objective: "Find a Working Console to Access the Database" Clear and concise.
The rocks on the floor of the facility are a nice touch. I'm not actually sure why, since logically, why would an abandoned building in an urban area have rocks on the floor, but it works. It enhances the impression of abandonment.
I'm not sure I would use the term "Stardate" in the log messages -- it actually lessens the impact of stating a Romulan month and year. I recommend dropping it. "S'hari, 2370" stands on it's own and context will lead the reader to understand it as a date.
"No one has moved yet..." is probably more clear in terms of tactical posturing if it is changed to "No one has made a move yet..."
And yes, Ferengi will be Ferengi!
For some reason, I don't see a Romulan using the word "Sleazy" to describe Vorta, no matter how apt it might be. Humans would use it for sure. Maybe "Sordid"? You can ignore this one. It just struck me as an odd word for a Rom to use.
Ah, optional objective. It's nice to see some of my crew. But... the R.R.W. Desire has a complement of 200...
That ticking timebomb of an astrophysicist is conspicuously missing...
Base resident, indeed. Response #2 resonates.
Wait... I sent Ayailin away... why's he suddenly butting into this conversation?
Here's another non-sequiter response option: "I'm not complaining if they don't for once." Don't WHAT for once? This response doesn't follow from the conversation.
The recounting in the base denizens discussion is pretty darn funny.
Inconsistency: Log #2's date is not enclosed in [OOC] tags.
Canon Continuity: Log #1 -- Federation? I thought it was the Terran Empire that reigned in the Mirror Universe.
New mission objective: "Access Tal Shiar Computer Systems" Good!
Who are these people in the brown outfits that are walking around in the corridor? My crew? They are out of uniform! Environment suit duty for the whole lot of them when we get back home!
I'm really liking this base/warehouse/whatever. It's interesting.
A spider web! You could use a few more in the first room, but I wouldn't overdo it.
Log #5 -- Powerful Plotlines, Batman! Wow! Something to resonate with home-universe Romulans. And now the "The Klingon" comment has a bit of validity, but still not when spoken by one of my crew.
Log #6 -- To be expected, but still powerful.
Final log -- good stuff. Very Romulan.
I liked the interactions with the goal console.
New mission objective: "Try Beaming Out". I like the foreshadowing.
Again with my Science BOFF's costume where I would expect Engineering. I'm not sure if this is a problem with your selections or the Foundry, since this is not an issue with Tactical BOFF costumes.
Oh... that was just mean. But I think I remember... Mix a DS-9 shape-shifter and a British spy.
Interesting beam transition!
That is one PACKED cargo bay.
And several fun ground battles...
And no disappointments on the map transition dialog.
Nitpick: "Singularity engines online..." There's a fair chance that a Romulan captain playing this mission isn't flying a singularity-core vessel. But, I'm in my Mirror Ha'apax, so it worked for me.
This would be a really good place for a declining response tree, though what you did worked well. (And if it's a pop-up dialog, that's not an option.)
Ugh... I came under attack before I could read all of the dialogs. BATTLE STATIONS! I'd recommend that the attackers appear based on a dialog trigger or are held back by invisible walls until a dialog trigger is hit. This is a pet Foundry peeve of mine, by the way, and of others, I'm sure. And it's not hard to fix. Even with wandering squadrons, you can use invisible walls around the player's start point to avoid this. There are other techniques, too, it just depends on what you want to present.
This map has some good "life" to it with all of the non-combatant craft.
The battles as I hit the beam-up points were fun. I think they could have been just a bit more challenging.
The flash/ping effects should disappear after each beam-up point has been activated since they are not actual beacons.
None? I had to rush through a lot of the dialogs because of being attacked.
22:16
AZURE NEBULA 22:17
Ah, here's the battle I was expecting!
Jorinn's speech worked well.
*frown* It looks like we are back to getting chapter titles instead of objectives.
Uh-oh... the anomaly isn't there!
Aha! Maybe the Tal Shiar spy (I still don't trust her) can be of some use.
It looks like you lost a response and it was replaced with a "Continue". (This happens when you accidentally add a dialog after the button prompt has been added and then delete the extraneous dialog. It erases your button prompt.) Anyway, I can tell this happened because of my BOFF's reaction on the next dialog. The dialog with the "Continue" ends with "...we lose everything else temporarily if we do."
Very nice effects as I attempt to re-create the rift.
Thank you very much for the amount of detail put into your review, Donperk! It's likely going to take a while but I'll see about correcting the grammar issues. I just have a couple questions and comments:
A few of the things mentioned I believe are Cryptic errors, but I'm not 100% sure. Right now I'm responding to these without the mission open, so I can't confirm some of them.
- The Talk to USS Triaxa: If I recall, this is a button created by having a talk to contact objective in the storyline... Those buttons are, last time I checked, unable to be changed and will always read "Talk to (Contact)".
- Begin Infinite Shift: I will correct it to "Infinite Shift", but the name you give to your 'begin mission' button (the one that takes you into the mission) is also the one that shows up when you approach the system. I can't change it if I want that first button to state the mission title for players.
- "I take it you have some other menial task for us." : I intended this to be a statement, rather than a question. Should it still take a question mark anyway?
-Canon Continuity, Log #1: Admittedly I'm not sure of what I had written there, but this isn't the mirror universe, just to be clear. It's another parallel universe, and to be specific, the basis of this universe is drawn from the episode "Yesterday's Enterprise." The Enterprise C was never found in this universe, and the Federation lost the war with the Klingons in a matter of months as Picard said. Shortly after the Dominion comes in and takes over, but there is never a Terran Federation/Empire in this universe. If I'm actually talking about the Mirror Universe here, just ignore all that I've said. :P
Otherwise, thanks again!
INFINITE SHIFT
my first and currently only Foundry mission is up on the Fed side, intended for a Romulan audience.
- The Talk to USS Triaxa: If I recall, this is a button created by having a talk to contact objective in the storyline... Those buttons are, last time I checked, unable to be changed and will always read "Talk to (Contact)".
Ah, yeah, that makes sense. There are ways to get around that, like putting an invisible object with the ship and having its interaction text read "Hail the Triaxa" and then triggering a pop-up dialog to be visible. But that may be more effort than you want to put into getting a screen prompt to read correctly. Cryptic really needs to fix that. You don't talk to ships and consoles!
- Begin Infinite Shift: I will correct it to "Infinite Shift", but the name you give to your 'begin mission' button (the one that takes you into the mission) is also the one that shows up when you approach the system. I can't change it if I want that first button to state the mission title for players.
I think there may be some confusion here. YOU don't provide a "begin mission button" -- STOL does that for you when the player approaches the Celes system. My perception as a player is that I'm starting the mission when I press the STOL-provided button that says "Begin Infinite Shift". Play your mission in-game and you will see what I mean!
When we get to the map transition dialog that YOU provided, we players have ALREADY COMMITTED to playing "Infinite Shift". We chose to do that when we picked that button over "Patrol the Celes System". From the player's perspective THE MISSION HAS ALREADY STARTED.
The map transition button, even though it may seem like it from the editor, is NOT a begin mission button. It is a map transition button like any other. Having that button say "Begin Inifinite Shift" again is redundant and a bit confusing. As a player, I'm saying to myself "But... I already started 'Inifinite Shift', didn't I?"
So the button that YOU control for transitioning from Cryptic Space to your first map should say something other than the repetitious "Begin Infinite Shift". "Enter the Celes System", while bland, would be a much better choice here and will avoid the redundancy.
Again, I urge you to start your mission from inside the game (not the Foundry editor) with all this in mind and you will see what I mean.
And remember... I'm saying this to help make YOU and YOUR MISSION look better. I'm not just being a pedantic jerk.
- "I take it you have some other menial task for us." : I intended this to be a statement, rather than a question. Should it still take a question mark anyway?
I think for most people reading this sentence aloud it would sound like a rhetorical question, with the tone rising toward the end. (You've already come to a conclusion, but you are verifying your fears.) At least, that's the way it reads in my head. But I can see how the speaker could approach it with a "*sigh* I take it you have some OTHER menial task for us", which would not come off as a question, but as a resigned statement.
-Canon Continuity, Log #1: Admittedly I'm not sure of what I had written there, but this isn't the mirror universe, just to be clear. It's another parallel universe, and to be specific, the basis of this universe is drawn from the episode "Yesterday's Enterprise." The Enterprise C was never found in this universe, and the Federation lost the war with the Klingons in a matter of months as Picard said. Shortly after the Dominion comes in and takes over, but there is never a Terran Federation/Empire in this universe. If I'm actually talking about the Mirror Universe here, just ignore all that I've said. :P
No, we are thinking of different parallel universes. Somewhere in the dialogue you mention "mirror universe" and immediately I thought we had entered THE Mirror Universe of the TOS episode "Mirror, Mirror", which is ruled with an iron fist by the evil Terran Empire. I grew up with TOS, so even though the later series are fresher, certain themes always jump back to TOS for me.
With this new perspective, my comment that you should capitalize "Mirror Universe" is incorrect.
Chalk this one up to your reviewer slowly becoming an old dude whose childhood memories are stronger than his adult ones.
EDIT: By the way, if you can polish up the text, I would strongly suggest you submit this mission for highlighting. As I said in the review. It's a strong story -- it just lacks polish.
In no way do I consider you a pedantic jerk for helping me with this- especially after suggesting it should be spotlighted. :P
And yes, there is some confusion about the second thing I brought up, but I really think it's on both our parts. You're right in that the mission has already begun; I was vague there and it would be more accurate of me to say the dialogue transition to the first non-social-zone map of the mission, I think. (Personally I don't consider a mission to have actually begun until I'm out of the social zone, discounting missions where you don't leave the social zone obviously, which is why I said 'begin.')
However, if I understand you right, what you're saying is that the button that pops up when you're in 1 km or so of the Celes system is provided by STO? And that in this case, the button that pops up when you approach the system says "Begin Infinite Shift." However, when the map transitition dialogue pops up, the button that allows you to transfer to the next map also says "Begin Infinite Shift".
What I'm trying to say here is that what you write for the second button (the map transition button, the 'let's go' as opposed to the 'not now') is also what will appear for the button that appears once you're in range of the system which you enter the mission from (the first one, the one you say is when the player chooses to begin the mission, instead of patrol Celes). I can tell you that I have confirmed this in the Foundry preview right now; as for on Holodeck, I haven't tested it with my own mission, but I have picked up several other missions and looked at the same spot. Obviously I can't say for certain but they do all have the same phrase for the 'range' button and the 'map transition' button. So if I say "Begin Infinite Shift" for the map transition button, it will also appear for the button that pops up when I'm in range, and it won't matter if I change it to "Enter the Celes System" because it will continue to be repetitive. Even if I change it to something like "wooooo STO Foundry yeah" the other one will change as well.
*Note: Please please please tell me if you think I'm interpreting what you're trying to say completely wrong. This whole button thing is rather confusing to be honest and I nearly decided to take some screenshots just to make sure we're on the same page here. (...I may yet end up doing that.)
Oh, and one thing I forgot to mention in my last reply: the science v. engineering officer thing. Yes, that is a Foundry bug, one that I can confirm myself because it occurs on any Foundry mission I play with my Romulan character. :P It affects Romulan players only, though I'm not sure if it's all Romulan players or just limited to the Federation side.
INFINITE SHIFT
my first and currently only Foundry mission is up on the Fed side, intended for a Romulan audience.
Hmmm... It doesn't do that with ground maps. I've got a new mission I'm working on (that is likely not to see the light of day until January due to other commitments) that starts in space. I could publish it real quick to verify that the system approach button mirrors the map transition text. If so, that's pretty wonky. I'll post an "EDIT" here in red once I've verified it.
Oh, and one thing I forgot to mention in my last reply: the science v. engineering officer thing. Yes, that is a Foundry bug, one that I can confirm myself because it occurs on any Foundry mission I play with my Romulan character. :P It affects Romulan players only, though I'm not sure if it's all Romulan players or just limited to the Federation side.
I figured as much, because your science and tactical BOFFs always displayed correctly, but my poor Reman Engineering BOFF didn't get any screen time.
And, by the way, I am a pedant and, at times, a jerk... but that's not why I do this.
EDIT: CONFIRMED. Yep, whatever you type for your transition button when leaving a SPACE Social Map is what you see when approaching the system. YUCK!
So, yes, your label should read: Begin "Infinite Shift"
I really don't like that. It forces your transition dialog and button text to fit a very narrow mold. I'm going to have to completely re-write the transition for the mission I'm testing with.
I'm sorry I didn't understand that mechanic earlier. I haven't worked with starting a mission from a Space Social Map before. My published mission and several test missions all used transitions from GROUND social maps, which don't suffer from this behavior.
I've finally played The Sins of the Fathers by @donperk
Sorry it took a bit long but I was kinda burnt out from the Foundry after working nonstop on Purity I: Of Denial and and at the same time helping the other authors test. Anyways onto my feedback.
The idea behind the story is really interesting, it does bring up a good question...I won't say it due to spoilers. It's also a neat way to use it as a story too. I also really liked the map design, they were all very detailed and polished just like the rest of the mission. I gave it a 5/5.
A couple general things that I found off:
1. My Romulan has a Klingon uncle??? (It's not really that big of a deal just thought I'd mention it.)
2. Innuendo between me and the main characters (again same as above, what if I was female etc)
3. A lot of stuff about the player's personal history. It's something I personally don't like to see but if the mission is good enough I overlook it.
It was also reaaally long, took me about 2 hours.
More specific things:
Space Combat
The space combat was pretty typical of STO combat. Ships sit there and wait for you to attack. To shake things up you can mimic them "attacking" the player by having them patrol to where you expect the player to be. They'll also engage the second they get in range.
Also you can put more than 1 npc group in a battle together which most players should be able to handle. For instance I typed this up while my ship blew up one of the cruiser npc groups and I didn't have to do anything (Map-M24 Leaving). Putting the frigate group with it would make it more interesting and challenging.
Map - House of Dubious Virtue
Leetah the Dabo girl? Did you mean Leeta? Is there a KDF version?
Klingons names all start with lower case, i assume you did it on purpose if so that's fine
Tough captain NPC group a surprise (also my KDF-rommy sucks i took like 5 minutes to kill it)
Room #4 and #5 didn't have a response to the boff complaining about your voyeurism just a continue button
Map - Qo'nos System
The talk about "emo" hirogen and Captain "buggerit" were kinda immersion breaking, not a big deal for me but some players may not like it
Map - Ready Room
One of my boffs spawned on the desk!
Hehe flashed something else hehe
Map - uhh travelling to Qo'nos
You can get rid of this map transition by just having the warp effect appear in the previous map when you reach the warp out point.
Map - House of Dubious (ending)
Last combat extremely difficult. Lt Cmdr + Captain. Died countless times!
In the end not that much to say, as I mentioned above it was very polished. Just things I thought would make the gameplay a bit smoother.
Is the mission named incorrectly? Form from? If its wrong it gives a bad first impression "eww this guy can't even spell his title right I'm gonna play a different mission". Overall this continues as there is subpar grammar and typos. The Maps are very bare and it really felt like a grinder as all I was doing was shooting ships and I eventually forgot what the storyline was.
Overall I kinda got the feeling that all it was is a mission where actors were given funny names for laughs and that was it. I had to give it a 2 star because there really wasn't anything else.
Specific things
Map - The Forbidden Lawn
Objective spelling mistakes - Show that Lizzard they arn't Targs
I don't get the point of this map other than to kill a whole bunch of doggies
Map - I thought i had seen it all
lower case in map name
Combat is all spaced out very far apart, don't need to do that
Annoying to have to fly to all of them, same thing goes for the next map
I've finally played The Sins of the Fathers by @donperk
...
The idea behind the story is really interesting, it does bring up a good question...I won't say it due to spoilers. It's also a neat way to use it as a story too. I also really liked the map design, they were all very detailed and polished just like the rest of the mission. I gave it a 5/5.
1. My Romulan has a Klingon uncle??? (It's not really that big of a deal just thought I'd mention it.)
There are actually two places in the dialog that indicate "uncle" is a title of honor, not blood. The first place is, unfortunately, in a dialog branch, so it's easy to miss -- something I should consider reworking. The other is when you find out that the Orion reporter also refers to Q'Jel as her "uncle".
2. Innuendo between me and the main characters (again same as above, what if I was female etc)
3. A lot of stuff about the player's personal history. It's something I personally don't like to see but if the mission is good enough I overlook it.
Yeah, I did that stuff knowing that it might rub people wrong. I did it mainly because I had a bunch of gags I wanted to get out that kind of poke fun at things that were needed in the various series as narrative devices, but would likely not happen in real life. This story, as you know, is heavy in an odd sort of way and adding the personal stuff helped lighten the mood. But, again, I definitely see how not everyone will take those elements in stride. I considered removing them as I was refining the mission, but left them in because my characters started feeling two-dimensional.
Space Combat
The space combat was pretty typical of STO combat. Ships sit there and wait for you to attack. To shake things up you can mimic them "attacking" the player by having them patrol to where you expect the player to be. They'll also engage the second they get in range.
Also you can put more than 1 npc group in a battle together which most players should be able to handle. For instance I typed this up while my ship blew up one of the cruiser npc groups and I didn't have to do anything (Map-M24 Leaving). Putting the frigate group with it would make it more interesting and challenging.
This is excellent feedback. My KDF character is very good on ground but not great in space. But even for her the battles are a bit of a cakewalk. This is something I'll definitely work on!
Map - House of Dubious Virtue
Leetah the Dabo girl? Did you mean Leeta? Is there a KDF version?
Yeah, it's a bit of a Klingon language joke. It makes her name seem harsher. There are a few non-Klingons in the story with Klingon names for humor's sake. (The Admiral even makes a comment about "Orions taking on Klingon names" later in the story.
Klingons names all start with lower case, i assume you did it on purpose if so that's fine
Stirct tlhIngan Hol does not capitalize proper names or the beginnings of sentences since each version of a character has a different phoneme -- or the capital/lower-case version of the letter doesn't exist in the alphabet. (e.g.: "h" and "H" have different sounds and there is no capital "L" in tlhIngan Hol.) I was being a bit of a purist with that. If it confuses people, it's worth revising, though.
Map - Qo'nos System
The talk about "emo" hirogen and Captain "buggerit" were kinda immersion breaking, not a big deal for me but some players may not like it
I was trying to crack a few more jokes in-between battles. I'll see if I can re-work it a bit. Was Buggerit's dialogue the concern or the name itself?
Map - uhh travelling to Qo'nos
You can get rid of this map transition by just having the warp effect appear in the previous map when you reach the warp out point.
Ah, that's a very good point. I was bothered by this being a "one conversation wonder" map. That's a very good solution. "Purity: Of the Day" uses that trick a lot, I noticed -- and I liked it.
Again, zorbane, I appreciate you taking your time to do this -- not just for me, but for everyone else. Thank you!
As for your question it was only the name (Buggerit) that bothered me, the dialog was fine.
I read a LOT of Terry Pratchett, so that was a kind of nod to him and his character Foul Old Ron. But I'm now wondering if that's a not-so-nice piece of British slang that I shouldn't be using...
I read a LOT of Terry Pratchett, so that was a kind of nod to him and his character Foul Old Ron. But I'm now wondering if that's a not-so-nice piece of British slang that I shouldn't be using...
In my opinion "funny" names do work if the theme of the mission calls for it. I don't know if you've played my mission "The Galaxy's Fair" but almost all the NPC names are humorous references to other characters in TV or what have you.
However the whole theme of the "The Galaxy's Fair" is a big running joke, so they fit (in my opinion). For The Sins of the Fathers, it really caught me off guard as before that everything was "normal". Even then "Buggerit" may be too obvious of a joke name too. Usually when authors have a name like that it'd look like "Bugr'it" or something like that.
This is an editorial review. This means I am treating your mission as if it was submitted to me as a manuscript for publication. As the Editor, my job is to work with the author to hone the "manuscript" (the mission) into something I would be proud to publish under my imprint. As such, I will be looking at your mission in a microscopic fashion.
Note that because of the level of detail, I'm basically putting Post-It notes on your manuscript. This means that I'm writing as I play your mission. The result is that you will see a mix of impressions and recommendations in the first section of each map's review. This is true for each section of the review except for the Overview, where I give my overall impressions and opinions after finishing your mission.
Each map review contains a separate section addressing spelling/grammar/etc. I find that separating this "mechanical" stuff out helps people separate my opinions and impressions from the nitpicky stuff that just needs to be fixed. I think it also helps the reader to not think "every mission sucks" because they stop seeing the good stuff embedded in all the nitpicks. Plus, darnit, I think it looks better that way.
This mission continues the events of "Star Trek: Saturn: Ep 1", following the leads left behind on the encrypted PADD you found near the end of that mission.
The story here was not quite as satisfying to me as Episode 1. Where the first episode exposed you to a few mysteries (missing transport ships, an assassination and an encrypted PADD that cost a Ferengi mechant his life), episode 2 provides very little. We learn early on that the PADD contained the illegal activities of Daimon Bok surrounding a rare element and we follow a couple of clues leading to a hidden base, but there's not a lot of fresh meat here as there was in the first episode.
The author also tried some new things that I feel didn't help the mission, such as having practically every character recite their name, rank, ship, years of service and race. For me, this got in the way of advancing the story. It's information that would be good for rounding out her characters if it were presented in a less regurgitated manner. Another thing she tried was introducing a sort of opening title sequence where the player travels between a number of destination points in an undisclosed system whereupon the author's alter ego quotes a fragment of introduction. The effect desired was the famous TOS/TNG "Space... the Final Frontier..." introduction, but it fell flat for me and came off as one of several One Objective Wonder maps to be found in this mission.
There were some highlights here: the Deep Space Nine interior map is lovely and alive. There are some shipboard battles that show off some nice use of atmospheric and damage effects. And we do solve part of the mystery that is presented in the first segment.
But there were also a number of things that detracted from the story: several One Objective Wonder maps; a number of apparent continuity issues; and a blatant violation of the Prime Directive where a Starfleet away team visits a pre-warp society and openly uses transporter technology in front of them.
Overall, I gave "Star Trek: Saturn: Ep2" three stars. It has the good story established in Episode 1 to ride on, but there's a lot here that could have been better -- or just simpler. I'm still looking forward to the final episode to see how this story turns out.
PROJECT DESCRIPTION:17:30
I like the recap from the last mission. Not normal, but it gives this mission an episodic feel.
I would remove the pound signs from around "Mission Brief" -- they make it hard to read.
"Last time on Star Trek: Saturn" -- this should not be a bullet point and the title should be in quotes. You should end with a colon.
The [MissionInfo] is good and in the position players expect to find it. "Shuttle Bay door #1", though that's how it's named in the Foundry, is not a reference most people are going to know. A clearer description such as "the shuttle bay door outside the Exchange" is much clearer and most players will be able to find the mission start point easily.
"*You were attacked by orions as you were about to head for the wolf 359 system," ==> "*You were attacked by Orions as you were about to head for the Wolf 359 system;"
"You scaned the area..." ==> "You scanned the area..."
"...before he was assassinated by cardassians," ==> "...before he was assassinated by Cardassians;"
The last item that states your current status should not be a bullet point.
"To begin the mission goto..." ==> "To begin the mission go to..."
17:43
GRANT DIALOG:17:43
Good presentation of the situation.
Optional [MissionInfo] is there, but again, the name "shuttle bay door #1" is not well-known outside of Foundry authors.
"Go to shuttle bay door #1 at DS9..." ==> "Go to shuttle bay door #1 on DS9..."
"For those who have not played Episode 1 before 8-13-2013 should concider..." ==> "Those who have not played Episode 1 before 8-13-2013 should consider..."
8-13-2013 -- this is only meaningful to players from the USA. Prefer a date format that is culturally neutral and unambiguous, such as 13-AUG-2013. (Or spell the date out in proper format: August 13, 2013.)
17:51
Map Transition from Cryptic Social Map18:02
My current objective says "The Prolog". This really doesn't tell me what to do. Objectives should be treated as instructions to the players, not chapter titles. Also, the preferred spelling is "Prologue". ("Prolog" is a variant, but its use in describing a narrative device is discouraged.) A much better objective would be "Go to the shuttle bay door outside the Exchange on DS9".
The text presented in the dialog is good. It would be nice, though, if you used the Title area to indicate who is speaking in this case.
You should put the title of your mission in quotation marks on the map transition button.
16:10
THE PROLOG16:11
Pretty, simple map. I really like the rose-colored mist and the comet. The comet adds some life to the scene.
It's a nice map, but the transition led me to believe I was going to a meeting. Why am I in unidentified space?
My current objective is "?". This isn't helpful.
Why does Vanya's first speech start with a hyphen? You should remove that.
New mission objective: "?". Again, not really helpful.
Another hyphen... and she's talking about my ship? Why would Vanya be recording logs for my ship? This is weird.
New mission objective: "?". This is getting a bit annoying, to be honest.
Another statement beginning with a hyphen. I see that you are hearkening to the introduction from TOS and TNG, but why is VANYA recording logs for my ship?
New mission objective: "?". Tedious...
More hyphens...
New mission objective: "?". Grrr...
Yet another sentence fragment starting with a hyphen...
Quite honestly: you could have presented this introduction in a single dialogue and it would have been much more effective. Instead you are giving the player busy work. Others may have a different impression, but I really didn't like this approach to an introduction. I know you were trying for the effect of a cinematic voiceover, but it didn't work for me. And, even worse, by the time we get to the last statement in this introduction, we've forgotten how it started.
New mission objective: "Start Mission". This is getting closer to an objective, but again, you aren't telling me what I am supposed to be doing. You seem to be writing titles instead of objectives.
TINY REACH MARKER. If your player strays from the original Y-axis at all, this reach marker becomes impossible to hit. I had to exit and restart, being careful to never stray from my vertical position, which is hard, because even turning your ship causes variance in the Y-axis. In this case you could have used a very large-radius reach marker since the position of the marker wasn't important to the mechanics of the story. In cases where a tiny reach marker is required, you should always provide a visual reference, such as a flashing beacon.
Wait... MAP TRANSITION?!?!? Nothing happened on this map. Many players would consider this a waste of time and would quit the mission at this point. While you technically have seven objectives on this map, it boils down to being a "One Objective Wonder" -- something that is normally to be avoided.
This entire map could be deleted from the mission -- and I'd recommend doing exactly that. It doesn't introduce plot or characters. And it may be the cause of players quitting your mission early. You need to present substance as soon as possible or you will lose players.
"-It's Given Mission: ..." This reads very oddly. Simplify to "It's mission: ...", removing the hyphen and the overcapitalization.
The text for the last "?" objective ended in a period, instead of an ellipsis, but the map transition dialog appears to continue the introductory text.
The leading hyphens for all but the first dialog should be replaced with ellipsises. For the first dialog it should be removed since it has no meaning.
18:44
MEETING AT DS919:05
This is kind of a cool multipurpose room that you spawn into.
Yea! You named more of your NPCs this time. "Red Shirt" and "Lt. Cmdr. Spork" had me smiling. I'm still seeing some rather generic names, though, like "Engineering Officer Male".
The poker players are sitting on the ground... and their legs are inside the deck!
It looks like people are having a good time over by the bar.
Good use of text bubbles!
Bottles and glasses on the tables. Thank you... so many lounge scenes in the Foundry forget that people sitting at tables in a bar are DRINKING.
The plants are nice, but they are cookie-cutter. If you really want to use the same plant over and over, change the rotation from plant to plant to add some realism to the scene. Even better, though, is to mix in a variety of potted plants -- and STILL play with their rotations.
New mission objective: "Greet the Aide". Ahhh.... finally a real objective.
Wait... "Talk to Admiral Aide"? Oh... I think you mean "Talk to the Admiral's Aide." You'll need to rename the NPC to get the chat objective prompt to read correctly.
"Set a rally point..." This handles the desire to limit my attendant BOFFs very nicely. Good use of [OOC] I'm sending my ladies over to the pool table to earn some EC from those chumps!
New mission objective: "Join the Meeting". Good objective, but you shouldn't treat objectives as titles. In this case, don't capitalize "Meeting". Assume that this instruction goes for all subsequent objectives.
The plants in the middle of this new hallway look nice -- but they feel odd for this space. I would have expected them to be at the sides.
Huge room for this meeting. You might want to cozy it up a bit with some extra walls. But it does look nice in here -- it's just really big.
I'm going to say it again. Your mission should have started on this map. It's interesting, we have some things to do and the things that happen here contribute to the story.
New mission objective: "Greet Capt. Vanya". Good. But avoid abbreviations. This is a general rule for all text in your mission. (Except database/computer briefings.)
I beat this horse in the Episode 1 review so I'll only mention it once here -- the inconsistency of Vanya's accent just doesn't work for me.
"I haven't introduced myself properly." ??? She made a rather nice introduction in Episode 1, I thought, welcoming me both to her ship and Starbase 114. Maybe she forgot.
While it's nice to have Vanya's bio -- really nice, actually -- this is an odd piece of exposition for a formal introduction.
Given her upbringing -- basically by a Vulcan single mother on Vulcan -- what is the source of the accent? T'Pau had an interesting accent -- perhaps there are regional accents on Vulcan that impact their English? (I'm kind of thinking out loud here.)
Again, I really like the Vanya character model. It's so interesting. And now that I know she's part Jem'Hadar, it explains her appearance better.
"Would you like a brief history lesson on the starship Yorktown?" That's not very inviting. How about something like "Would you like to know more about the U.S.S. Yorktown?"
Also... why am I here? I'm about to get a history lesson, but I don't know why I'm at this meeting. I love background, but this seems like information that should be presented elsewhere in the story. I'm at a meeting to discuss the encrypted PADD from Episode 1, I think. Shouldn't we get down to business first and discuss histories later?
The opportunity to skip the "history lesson" is good. Though, I'm not going to do that.
The historical information about the Yorktown is good... but I think you would have been better served to have this come from a PADD or console rather than a person. This is especially true with information such as the Yorktown's current officers' roster.
New mission objective: "Greet Cmdr Sip". Looks like more small talk is heading my way... I thought these folks were waiting on me. That Aide made it sound urgent and as if I were late for the meeting back in the Cryptic social map.
New mission objective: "Greet Capt Travis".
"I'ma from the small town of Dallas Texas." Trust me, no one from Dallas says "I'ma from" and absolutely no one from there calls it a small town, even in jest.
You do have an opportunity to give Travis a more Southern flair to his speech by truncating his gerunds: "I'm lookin' forward to workin' with you." It's not necessary, but it's fine if you are looking to give some flavor to his speech.
"mighta" -- that one's questionable... I'll give it to you, but you should probably prefer "might've", which is more grammatically correct and is still colloquial.
New mission objective: "Greet Cmdr Neeza".
New mission objective: "Take your seat." Perfect!
Admiral Paulson? Where did he come from? I don't recall seeing him at the table earlier.
"Go to your chair." This really fits better as [MissionInfo] than as [OOC], I think.
?!?!?! Where did that rostrum come from? Paulson I can explain away as having entered the room, but that rostrum should have been there from the beginning.
"I have 4 items for discussion..." You should always prefer to spell out small numbers. It reads cleaner and is considered the proper approach in just about every manual of style.
"They were able to extract bits and pieces. However the data recovered is useful." This really should be a single sentence: "They were able to extract only bits and pieces, but the data recovered is useful." Note how much cleaner this reads. A lot of less-seasoned writers like to sprinkle the word "however" in whereever they can, but it's word that is better used sparingly if at all -- even in formal speech. Also, this line is really part of the preceding paragraph, so I'd remove the line breaks.
"This ship iz not part of the Ferengi Alliance." HOLD THE PHONE! Now Paulson suddenly has an accent?!?!?
"We think the Malon people know where to find..." This just doesn't fit someone of Paulson's station and could be considered pejorative. Try "We think that someone there may know where to find..."
Paulson ends his first speech with "Which leads me to the next point..." Given that, the branching dialog structure kind of doesn't fit. I think this line of dialog would have flowed better as a linear presentation.
"Malon people" again. Fix this to something less pejorative-sounding.
"Task Force Missions" allows an exit and a path back to the list. This is still mechanically messy. If you don't want to opt for linear dialog, then allow a direct exit from the list of topics rather than pushing it through the last one. There's room for a fifth button without having the buttons scroll, if that's even a concern.
"Greetings once again [RANK]." ==> "Greetings once again, [RANK]."
"My mother is vulcan..." ==> "My mother is Vulcan..."
"When I graduated Starfleet assigned..." ==> "When I graduated, Starfleet assigned..."
"The Yorktown A Remained in commission..." ==> "The Yorktown A remained in commission..."
"Three years after it was built the Yorktown B was lost due to a warp core breech." ==> "Three years after it was built, the Yorktown B was lost due to a warp core breach."
"...but the ship was beyond repair." ==> "...but the ship was damaged beyond repair."
"I reckin'" ==> "I reckon" Reckon is a real English word dating back to the 13th century -- there's no need to colloquialize it. You'll even find it in the Authorized King James Bible of 1611.
"...yourselves with eachother..." ==> "...yourselves with each other..."
"According to the Intel Bok was expelled..." ==> "According to the intel, Bok was expelled..."
"The [ShipName] will goto Malon III..." ==> "The [ShipName] will go to Malon III..."
20:54
DEEP SPACE NINE20:55
New mission objective: "Answer Hail"
A quick strategy conversation and then we leave the map? That could have easily waited until we arrived in the Malon System. This is another "One Objective Wonder" map that takes more time to load than to play. I strongly recommend dropping this map and moving the conversation, which is good, to occur on DS9 after the meeting.
I like the additon of the tents to this map, but you need to be careful how you place them. The very first tent I encountered (to the player's left after materializing) has stakes and ropes suspended in mid-air. You need to bury the tent a bit or find some flatter ground.
It looks like none of the raised, open buildings with the ramps have a single one where the ramp meets the ground as they were designed to do.
Unlike the DS9 interior map, this map feels kind of thrown together. It just doesn't show the same level of care.
Sehlats again? Didn't we last encounter them on Vulcan? It's not a species I would expect to find in the Malon system running wild.
Ba'Zhoon has a very cool looking character model. Kind of like an Australian Aborigone with big ears.
These people appear to be a pre-warp civilization. Talking to Ba'zhoon and making the offer that we have is in direct violation of the Prime Directive!
New mission objectives: "Mark Spot" This could be better: "Mark transport location."
Crates appear on uneven ground and are partially floating.
The civilian on the east side of the map is INVISIBLE! Did he fall into the map geometry?
I'm having a hard time buying the famine angle. The area has trees, grass, flowers and water. And there's plenty of meat judging by all the Sehlat we are encountering. A desert map with little animal and plant life would have been more appropriate.
"Here maybe you can make heads or tails." This is a very Earth-centric concept, and it's limited to Western civilizations at that. (Eastern cultures didn't start putting faces on their coinage until very recently.) It's unlikely Ba'zhoon would know the phrase or use it. Go with something like "Here, maybe you can make some sense of this."
"He/she looks at it..." I appreciate the attempt at sexual neutrality here. But there is a simpler approach. Change your [OOC] to a single sentence: something like this one "You show the PADD to your engineer who immediately knows what it is."
"...where is she headed?" There's a verb tense issue here. It would be better if it was stated in past tense.
I can see you are trying to avoid creating another One Objective Wonder, but the post beam-up conversation feels awkward with the veldt in the background. I think this would have been better if it were left as a comm badge conversation and re-worked so that you haven't beamed up yet when it happens.
New mission objective: "To the Rescue!" This reads more like a title than an objective.
Default map transition. "Go to Next Map?" "Go to Next Map"
"...we would be greatful." ==> "...we would be grateful."
"...you are welcome here anytime." ==> "...you are welcome here any time."
"...I remember over hearing one of..." ==> "...I remember overhearing one of..."
"...person named "alpha" is. But, he seemed..." ==> "...person named "Alpha" is, but he seemed..."
"Seems formiliar some how." ==> "Seems familiar somehow."
"...with the background a blaze." ==> "...with the background ablaze."
21:44
MALON VI 21:45
New mission objective: "Survive Ambush (#/2)"
Whoa! Talk about being dumped into battle! That took a bit of work! The U.S.S. Mystique survived, but we we're pumping energy to our shields like crazy.
New mission objective: "Approach Norway". I'd prefer "Approach the Norway" here. The way you have written it, it sounds too much like we are heading for the fjords.
New mission objective: "Defeat Cardassians (#/2)"
"Science, How are their life supports holding up?" This isn't a Trek way to say this, and this is a Federation mission. A better rendition would be "Science, how is their life support system holding up?"
"...to goto the ship..." ==> "...to go to the ship..." "GOTO" is only valid in computer programming languages -- and archaic ones at that.
"...to get through, after a few..." ==> "...to get through. After a few..."
"Team, Goto the..." ==> "Team, go to the..."
"Aye, Energize" ==> "Aye. Energize."
22:03
U.S.S. NORWAY DECK 422:04
New mission objective: "Get situation report from Lt. B'Nork."
Nice effects here with the camera shake and fire.
"1st, you should..." Never use numeric ordinals in dialogue. "First, you should..."
"Qa'Plah!" The correct rendering of the tlhIngan Hol word for "Success!" is "Qapla'!"
Nurse Betty? Hightower? Are you getting your character names from comedy films?
New mission objective: "Get Nurse Betty to lower the Forcefield". "force field", it's two words and should not be capitalized.
A Ferengi nurse! Surprise! ("Where's the profit in that?")
New mission objective: "Secure Deck 4 (#/5)" I have mixed emotions, but I think this works as an objective description.
I like the cowering crewwoman near the second group of Cardassians.
The dead crewman by the third group of Cardassians is blended into the bulkhead of the trophy room door.
"The turbolift won't work sir." Nice touch!
New mission objective: "Goto Engineering" ==> "Go to Engineering"
New mission objective: "Talk to the Chief Engineer"
Map transition dialog... weird. Your engineer tells you that he has locked on the crew and your response is "Remove panel and crawl in." This could be handled better.
"...beaming up crew, when I give the word." ==> "...beaming up crew when I give the word." Also, since this is ship-to-ship, you should say "over" instead of "up"
"...jefferies tubes." ==> "...Jefferies' tubes." These were named after Walter M. Jefferies who was the primary set and prop designer for TOS. The man could work wonders with styrofoam. But I digress... (And yes, that was all off the top of my head. )
"...seal the area off with forcefields." ==> "...seal the area off with force fields."
22:33
U.S.S. NORWAY DECK 222:33
New mission objective: "Secure Deck (#/3)"
New mission objective: "Go to turbolift"
We do fight three groups of Cardassians, but this has the feel of a "One Objective Wonder".
"Sir, The Norway is beyond repair." ==> "Sir, the Norway is beyond repair."
22:56
MALON VI22:57
New mission objective: "Beam the crew up." Consider "Beam the crew over." "Beam up/down" is normally reserved for transfers from/to planets.
NICE effects!
New mission objective: "Defeat Cardassians."
"...we are getting feedback from Admiral Paulson..." ==> Consider a different phrasing and avoid "feedback". When used this way, feedback has negative connotations. Maybe "...Admiral Paulson has news/analysis/new data regarding the information we sent him earlier."
New mission objective: "Entering the Unknown" -- doesn't read as an objective.
New mission objective: "Be Greeted" ==> you can do better.
The various officers who are giving you their life stories is unsettling. Who does this in real life? Good dialogue mimics what real people do. I love background and characters that are fleshed out, but this is not the way to do it. If you are interested I can give you a number of ways to accomplish this in a more natural, expository manner.
"He'd never hurt anyone." This is a very odd thing to say about a highly-trained military officer.
"Daimon Radok's PADD has been fully decoded. We are able to read it." That second sentence is redundant and should be removed. (Being able to read something after it's been decoded is your expectation. NOT being able to read it after decoding would be worth mentioning.)
"[ShipName], since the Norway has been lost, you will act as vanguard." Referring to a ship in this way when the captain is sitting right in front of you is odd. Prefer [LastName] here instead.
New mission objective: "Goto the turbolift" ==> "Go to the turbolift"
One thing not mentioned in the notes is that Captain Buggerit has been renamed to Captain Harkon.
EDIT: (not worth a bump)
I replayed "The Sins..." version 1.1 and I love the battle changes. Thanks for encouraging me to do that, zorbane. The battles may still be a bit easy for the OP crowd, but I had a blast on the M24 (leaving) map with my Marauder.
And that first ground Captain battle, which I didn't change, kicked my butt, but I haven't played my KDF character in a couple of weeks and had forgotten how to use all my kit powers. By the end of the mission I had no problem taking down the Captain group representing the Elite Guard. So I think I'm going to leave that first Captain group as-is unless I get more feedback saying to tone it down.
Heads up, I'm finishing up the pieces for my latest Foundry mission, once that's done I'm gonna bring this thread back to life and start linking it to new missions. You can get a head start by posting yours in here (and reviewing other people's missions)
What a great idea! I will totally work on reviewing some of these, as soon as I have highspeed internet access and time! (Probably this weekend.)
Also, if anyone wants to try my first mission, please feel free. All the info is in my signature.
Mission Name: Healing Old Wounds
Allegiance: Federation
Level: Any
Healing Old Wounds (Of Bajor and Cardassia: Episode I) There is an incoming message! A Bajoran scientist informs you that a state of emergency has been declared in Hathon. He is requesting that you leave to rendezvous with him on Bajor immediately. This mission will call for scientific, diplomatic and tactical skills, both in space and on the ground.
This mission is story oriented and is part of a series of episodes I am writing that revolve around the Bajoran people. This mission is perfect for fans of DS9, but can be enjoyed by anyone.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
My very first Foundry Mission, Healing Old Wounds, has been completely reworked and rereleased!
(Also, a quick shout-out, please visit Starbase UGC for all your Foundry needs!)
Don't feel too much pressure about how you format your feedback, some of us (me and especially donperk!!!) like to be really detailed. Just do it how you want to
Don't feel too much pressure about how you format your feedback, some of us (me and especially donperk!!!) like to be really detailed. Just do it how you want to
Yeah, my reviews are kind of over-the-top. If you need a guideline, I'd recommend: Keep it simple and let people know what you liked, what you loved, what you didn't like and what can be improved. Play the mission to enjoy it.
I really do an "editorial review", which is a bit different. My approach makes it a bit harder for me to just enjoy the mission. (I often replay them after the review to see the mission for itself and not for it's review content.) I think that Foundry missions are best improved by having multiple people review and give their input. Yours will be different than mine, and that's exactly what we need.
I can't seem to find any of these missions in the foundry... I'm trying to find one to play and review, but the only one I could seem to locate is from Thread 1... Long Lost Friend. So, I'm playing that one and will write a review, probably on my lunchbreak.
I'm only Level 12... are the missions not showing up because they are too hard for me??
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
My very first Foundry Mission, Healing Old Wounds, has been completely reworked and rereleased!
(Also, a quick shout-out, please visit Starbase UGC for all your Foundry needs!)
I'm only Level 12... are the missions not showing up because they are too hard for me??
Most probably because of that, yes.. Missions levels are based on the mobs the author used.
For example, if the author used a KDF mob, the mission level get raised to 13 (might be different, it's only used as an example). When the author has chosen to put a borg mob instead, the minimun level will be scaled to 41.
That's quite the paradox, how could you nerf nerf when the nerf is nerfed. But how would the nerf be nerfed when the nerf is nerfed? This allows the nerf not to be nerfed since the nerf is nerfed? But if the nerf isn't nerfed, it could still nerf nerfs. But as soon as the nerf is nerfed, the nerf power is lost. So paradoxally it the nerf nerf lost its nerf, while it's still nerfed, which cannot be because the nerf was unable to nerf.
And the level req of the mission I'm working on started at 16 due to Remans reskinned as Tzenkethi, then rose to 31 because of Terran Empire reskinned as Ferengi.
Most (I hesitate to say "all" but it probably is all of them) missions involving rogue Starfleet stuff are level-restricted because we have no way of directly controlling mob allegiance, so the only way to get an ability-accurate Starfleet ship for an enemy is to reskin a Terran Empire ship (they're the only other faction that uses phasers).
"Great War! / And I cannot take more! / Great tour! / I keep on marching on / I play the great score / There will be no encore / Great War! / The War to End All Wars"
— Sabaton, "Great War"
Someone just sent me a mission to run through the Review Tool that had no level restriction on it. I remember, because that forced me to fix the tool to handle missions with no level restriction. I'll look it up and post the name of the mission here.
EDIT: Oh wow -- it was Starswordc's "Bait and Switch" V1.1.2. I know he's done some updates within the last few days since that report was generated, but the changes he described shouldn't have changed the level restriction.
And the level req of the mission I'm working on started at 16 due to Remans reskinned as Tzenkethi, then rose to 31 because of Terran Empire reskinned as Ferengi.
Most (I hesitate to say "all" but it probably is all of them) missions involving rogue Starfleet stuff are level-restricted because we have no way of directly controlling mob allegiance, so the only way to get an ability-accurate Starfleet ship for an enemy is to reskin a Terran Empire ship (they're the only other faction that uses phasers).
This is a challenge I am dealing with. I am building a Romulan mission that I want to be at level 10 so new Romulan players can play. But It has Federation enemies in it and I will probably just have to reskin a level 10 enemy group and grin and bear all the criticism. There is a real lack of level 10 content for Fed Romulans in the foundry.
A TIME TO SEARCH: ENTER MY FOUNDRY MISSION at the RISA SYSTEM Parallels: my second mission for Fed aligned Romulans.
Someone just sent me a mission to run through the Review Tool that had no level restriction on it. I remember, because that forced me to fix the tool to handle missions with no level restriction. I'll look it up and post the name of the mission here.
EDIT: Oh wow -- it was Starswordc's "Bait and Switch" V1.1.2. I know he's done some updates within the last few days since that report was generated, but the changes he described shouldn't have changed the level restriction.
I was talking about part 2 having Remans and Terrans, not part 1. Part 1 has all unrestricted mobs (Orions, Gorn, Nausicaans, and Fed friendlies).
"Great War! / And I cannot take more! / Great tour! / I keep on marching on / I play the great score / There will be no encore / Great War! / The War to End All Wars"
— Sabaton, "Great War"
So, I was hoping to become a little more involved in the foundry community, and this thread looks like a good place to start. Do I just pick a mission from the list and review it? or is there a system I'm supposed to follow?
Also, here are my first two (and only) published missions:
So, I was hoping to become a little more involved in the foundry community, and this thread looks like a good place to start. Do I just pick a mission from the list and review it? or is there a system I'm supposed to follow?
Rule is to play at least one mission on the list to get your mission added (and a guaranteed review from me). Which one you pick doesn't really matter, I'd prefer if it was one without feedback yet. I'd also like people to actually reciprocate reviews when someone plays theirs, although its not a rule.
Comments
Author's Handle: @alysvanya
Level: Any?
Mission ID: ST-HNEXBKEKB
Allegiance: Federation
Running Time: 60 minutes (estimated)
OVERVIEW:
This a nice introductory mission that combines some humor with an almost Final Fantasy-like storyline and a good mix of battles. You are called upon to investigate the mysterious disappearance of some freighters from Federation space near Wolf 359. During the mission you will visit Vulcan, a massive debris field near Wolf 359 and a Ferengi ship repair station (and motel) set in an even more massive debris field. Along the way you will battle Orions and Cardassians and discover an encrypted PADD that may hold the key to the disappearance of the freighters -- or possibly something even bigger.
I enjoyed the mission and its mix of seriousness and humor.
The Vulcan segment played like something straight out of Final Fantasy XII, even down to the incidental things people said and how they were named.
The ground sets tended to be a bit Spartan in their design, but definitely looked nice. The space sets were DENSE! I really liked the repair shop space maps. They had a lot going on.
I had intended to do only a summary review since my intent was to review the next part in the series, but -- I just couldn't help myself. There are a lot of grammar, punctuation and spelling issues. So I started listing them as an aid to the author and, the next thing I knew, I was doing pretty much one of my more detailed reviews.
This isn't quite to the standard of my detailed review, since I didn't nitpick everything. (There's a lot of missing punctuation -- especially commas -- that I didn't include.) But I did try to hit all of the spelling issues and inconsistencies that I found.
And Tiffany, please don't be disheartened by the number of items listed here. If you've seen any of my reviews you'll know that I tend to find a lot of spelling/grammar flaws in practically everyone's missions. So you are in good company. My goal with any detailed review is to help authors make their good missions better.
Okay, so here are my impressions as I played through the mission:
PROJECT DESCRIPTION:
Excellent use of the [MissionInfo] tags here. And I love that you signed your project description. It's kind of classy.
I would recommend a couple of things here, though:
#1: I would reduce the amount of text that talks about the series, move it to the bottom, after the MissionInfo, and enclose it in [OOC] tags. All you really need to say is that this is the first of an eight-part series, and maybe that you are dedicating it to Gene. Maybe keep the "Dear Player" since it is rather sweet.
#2: SELL YOUR MISSION! I would move the mission description and title to the top and "sell" the mission a lot more. It almost seems like you are saying "Ho-hum... here's my mission." You've got a good mission here -- give people a reason to click that [Hail] button.
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
GRANT DIALOG:
Again, nice use of the MissionInfo tags here. BUT...
You haven't given me a good reason to hit the [Accept] response. This is your opportunity to grab the player's attention. Take advantage of it!
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
CRYPTIC SPACE
Here we finally get our intrigue! So, there are freighters missing? Let's go find 'em!
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
VULCAN
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
VULCAN SPACE
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
NEAR WOLF 359
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
APPROACHING KOZAK'S
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
KOZAK'S SPACE STOP...
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
LEAVING KOZAK'S...
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
DEEP SPACE NINE
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
My current plans, assuming I'm fully recovered from this virus tomorrow, are to provide editorial reviews of "Infinite Shift" and "Star Trek: Saturn Ep 2" later this week.
I'm also planning to do two more next week: "The Raven and the Marionette", which has had my interest piqued for a while, and "A Time to Search".
Author's Handle: @Intuitive_Aptitude
Level:
Mission ID: ST-HHPWQSYIL
Allegiance: Federation
Running Time: 2 hours (estimated)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REVIEWER'S PROLOGUE:
This is an editorial review. This means I am treating your mission as if it was submitted to me as a manuscript for publication. As the Editor, my job is to work with the author to hone the "manuscript" (the mission) into something I would be proud to publish under my imprint. As such, I will be looking at your mission in a microscopic fashion.
Note that because of the level of detail, I'm basically putting Post-It notes on your manuscript. This means that I'm writing as I play your mission. The result is that you will see a mix of impressions and recommendations in the first section of each map's review. This is true for each section of the review except for the Overview, where I give my overall impressions and opinions after finishing your mission.
Each map review contains a separate section addressing spelling/grammar/etc. I find that separating this "mechanical" stuff out helps people separate my opinions and impressions from the nitpicky stuff that just needs to be fixed. I think it also helps the reader to not think "every mission sucks" because they stop seeing the good stuff embedded in all the nitpicks. Plus, darnit, I think it looks better that way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OVERVIEW: 22:48
This is a very strong story. It is well thought out and progresses cleanly. From the very beginning, the author creates an atmosphere of conflict and suspicion that is one of the keys to driving a good plot. There are some nice twists in the story and the author shied away from making the most suspicious characters be the villains.
The author has done a wonderful job of presenting the player with dialogue options to suit a number of moods and personalities. The follow-on dialogue trees are almost always unique and appropriate to the player's chosen responses. I think this approach to story-telling is where "Infinite Shift" shines the greatest.
This is very much a Romulan mission. The Romulan characters (including the player) have strong cultural roots that are expressed in their conversations and responses. The author has taken pains to reflect the historical events that the player has already experienced as a Federation-aligned Romulan character, recalling many events from the main STOL Romulan story line.
With the possible exception of the few space maps that are intentionally cloned from Cryptic's maps, I found the custom maps to have good design, energy and an essence of life. Some of the maps are wonderfully cluttered while others have a stark, Spartan appearance. There are no cookie-cutters here.
When the story called for special effects they were well-executed and appropriate. A few were breathtaking.
This reviewer was VERY pleasantly surprised to find almost a dearth of spelling issues. I believe a total THREE were found in a very text-heavy mission -- at least in the dialog paths that I chose.
Where this mission needs a LOT of polish though, is in it's approach to punctuation, grammar and sentence structure. The abundance of these problems was great enough that I had to back off on detailing each individual problem. Instead, I started listing categories of problems and left finding them as an exercise for the author.
I would like to take a quick look at each major category of problem, though, and briefly address the kinds of things that need to be fixed.
Run-on sentences
Unfortunately, most people who author run-on sentences attempt to defend them as stylistic choices. Here's the bottom line for this mission. You've got a great story here, but in order to share that story you can't just tell it -- you've got to tell it WELL. If people find your sentences hard to keep track of they'll start glossing over them or give up on the mission entirely. So you have a responsibility TO YOURSELF, as well as your readers, to communicate clearly. That's more important than defending a personal style.
The good news is that run-ons are pretty easy to fix. Find the "ands", commas, ellipses, etc. and turn them into periods. Seriously, it's usually that simple. You may have to convert a pronoun here and there to a name or other noun, but trust me, it's worth the effort. To find run-ons, READ YOUR DIALOG OUT LOUD! If you find yourself running out of breath or not remembering where the sentence started -- you have a run-on. If there is more than one subject and verb, you probably have a run-on.
Oddly, you seem to have restricted your run-on sentences to dialogue. Most of the data bank responses were cleanly written in concise, single-thought sentence structures.
Hanging hyphens
A hanging hyphen looks like this: "Yesterday he ate meat- but I could have sworn he is a vegetarian." That hyphen, the way it is being used, is not English punctuation. You seem to have used this when you needed a break in a thought, but weren't sure what punctuation to use. In most cases you were looking for either an ellipsis (...) or a long dash (--).
Use an ellipsis (...) when your character's thoughts are trailing off or require a "pregnant pause". It's also used, as you'll see throughout this review, to indicate that quoted text has been truncated.
Use a long dash (--) when you've said what is important, but it feels like you need to add more detail to what you just said. It's a way of scrunching a declarative sentence and a supporting sentence into one.
Inappropriate semicolons
JUST SAY NO TO SEMICOLONS!
The truth is that semicolons have exactly two, extremely limited uses in the English language:
The first is to separate lists of items or thoughts. The key word there being "lists" -- things you would be tempted to put into bullet points.
The second is as a device to concatenate related clauses.
That's it. There are no other uses in written English. (It has lots of other uses, of course, but only these two as a punctuation mark for prose or dialogue.)
And here's the rub -- the second case is very rare in prose writing and even more rare in speech/dialogue. So you are best off not attempting to "concatenate related clauses" unless you are absolutely sure that's what you intend to do.
In most cases, you used semicolon where you really needed to use either a colon ( : ), period (.), ellipsis (...) or long dash (--). We discussed the latter two earlier.
In dialogue, a colon is used to separate a statement from text that proves, explains, defines, describes or follows from it.
Over-capitalization
Lots of authors have this problem. Fortunately, your over-capitalizations are restricted to statements of player objectives and interaction button texts.
Since it's obvious from going through your mission that you know proper capitalization rules, I'm not going to discuss where and when to capitalize.
I am going to state that you should treat both statements of the player's objective and interaction button texts as if they are any other sentence. THEY ARE NOT TITLES, they are instructions.
'nuff sed? Okay!
Objectives need to be stated as objectives
Objectives are NOT chapter titles, even though in the Foundry's editor windows it makes you think like that. (Believe me, I've fallen into the same trap.) But when you actually play your mission and remember that you aren't supposed to know what comes next, it becomes glaringly obvious that these are not chapter titles. They are instructions to the player. Treat them as such.
All of the above are important because they make your text easier to read and understand. And if it's easier to read and understand, people will enjoy the experience more. It's that simple.
23:42
Okay, on to the details!
PROJECT DESCRIPTION: 18:00
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- Punctuation: "Command on Mol'Rihan has a new assignment for you;". This should be a colon, not a semicolon.
- Awkward: "...a joint survey of a nearby nebula alongside a Starfleet vessel, in the interests of furthering relations." Try reorganizing the sentence a bit to something like: "...in the interests of furthering our relationship with Starfleet, I'm sending you on a joint survey of a nearby nebula alongside one of their vessels." This feels nitpicky -- and it is -- but remember that this is the first sentence that your players will see! If it is an awkward read, they may be worried that they are in for a headache decoding your prose and NOT HIT THE HAIL BUTTON! (As you may recall, that's almost exactly what happened with me... though I did hit [Hail], I didn't hit [Accept]) First impressions are everything.
- Awkward/wordy/repetitious/verging on run-on/initial conjunctive/unnecessary punctuation: "But this is Starfleet, and if any Romulan or Reman knows anything about them, it's that missions for Starfleet never seem to go quite to their expectations." You've got a GREAT premise here (and it's your "hook"), and it has good fragments, but they can be assembled much more cleanly. Here's an example: "Be on the alert! This is Starfleet and every Romulan and Reman that's worked with them knows that things never go quite to their expectations." Something like that, anyway, that breaks the thoughts up. Again, the sentiment is perfect, and very Romulan -- that sense of near distrust reels me into hitting the [Hail] button. It just needs to be stated cleanly and simply.
- "Runtime at least 1 hour 30 mins min, more with optional dialogue." ==> "Running time: 1 hour and 30 minutes minimum -- longer with optional dialogue."
19:00GRANT DIALOG: 19:00
EDIT: I've verified that the game agrees with Memory Alpha. The correct spelling is "Tal Shiar".
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- Punctuation: "...high-priority secure channel, sir.... It's..." An ellipsis is exactly three consecutive periods. No more, no less.
- Unrelated thoughts/missing article/run-on/punctuation/pronoun agreement: "Both Proconsul D'Tan and Subcommander Nadel are impressed with your dedication to Republic thus far- though he has much to keep track of, your victories over the Tal'Shiar and Elachi have lessened his troubles quite a bit." There are a lot of issues here:
- Odd: "As of recent,..." A more common phrasing would be "As of late,...", but I would personally favor the simpler "Recently..." or "Lately...", either of which sounds more natural when spoken out loud -- even to a Romulan ear.
- Punctuation: "They believe it to be worth something- investigation, at the very least." ==> "They believe it to be worth something... investigation, at the very least." A double-hyphen would be appropriate here as well, but I think this is more of a pause in thought than an expansion, so I wrote it with an ellipsis.
- Punctuation: "This is where you come in; D'Tan..." ==> "This is where you come in: D'Tan..."
- Odd: "...believes you would be excellent candidates for our half." This is just kind of a left field word usage considering the sharing of the mission was mentioned last on the previous dialog box. "this mission" or something similar would be cleaner.
- Unnecessary punctuation: "Since the Republic is lacking in science-specialized vessels at this time, they will be providing one, in exchange for the [FullShipName]'s protection." Drop that comma.
- Awkward, but acceptable: "And what is the vessel we're to escort, Subcommander." This is acceptable in a formal conversation like this, but so is something simpler to parse, such as "Which vessel will we be escorting, Subcommander?" or even "Who commands the Starfleet vessel, Subcommander?" (Ships and their skippers being almost synonymous.)
- Abbreviation: Favor "U.S.S." over "USS".
- Run-on/punctuation/missing verb: "The Republic has little information on this ship, [RANK]; it is a strictly science vessel, with few weapons and other armaments, and in Starfleet's opinion best suited to research work well within the Federation's borders." ==> "The Republic has little information on this ship, [RANK]. It is strictly a science vessel with few weapons or other armaments and, in Starfleet's opinion, is best-suited to research work well within the Federation's borders."
- Inappropriate use of semicolon: "I understand; we'll depart immediately." ==> "I understand. We'll depart immediately." Semicolon use is a bit of an art. It's best reserved for separating lists of thoughts or things. Avoid the temptation to use it anywhere else.
- Odd phrasing: "With all respect, Subcommander..." A more common phrasing would be "With all due respect, Subcommander..."
- Badly-formed ellipsis/missing hyphenation: "Aren't their ships a little more.... well suited for this?" ==> "Aren't their ships a little more... well-suited for this?"
- Inappropriate use of semicolon: "What about the nebula itself; what do we know about it?" ==> "What about the nebula itself? What do we know about it?"
- Punctuation: "You. [RANK], are one of..." ==> "You, [RANK], are one of..."
- Odd word choice: "...see your presence as a marker of the Republic's..." ==> "...see your presence as a symbol of the Republic's..."
- WTF?: "We may be doing them a favor be we also stand the chance...."
- Badly-formed ellipsis: "...[RANK], I can look.... elsewhere."
- Inappropriate use of semicolon: "Of course not; you have my apologies." ==> "Of course not. You have my apologies."
- Inappropriate use of semicolon: "...require a set of confirmation codes; they have been..." ==> "...require a set of confirmation codes. They have been..."
20:48- You've really got two separate sentences here, but the hyphen and the use of pronouns seems to indicate a single sentence.
- The single hyphen immediately following a word and succeeded by a space is only used to indicate that word is to be continued on the next line. A double-hyphen surrounded by spaces, which you may have meant to use here, is used when you need to expand a thought that you haven't completed. That's not really appropriate here either. In any case, it confuses and slows down you reader.
- You appear to be missing the word "the" before "Republic".
- Your subject is plural ("Both Proconsul D'Tan and Subcommander Nadel"), but your continuation sentence uses the singular pronoun "he" twice. I had to read it a couple of times to figure out you meant D'Tan.
I think you can clean this up with very minimal change. Here's how I'd fix it: "Both Proconsul D'Tan and Subcommander Nadel are impressed with your dedication to the Republic thus far. Though he has much to keep track of, your victories over the Tal'Shiar and Elachi have lessened D'Tan's troubles quite a bit."Since there's a pattern of sentence structure, punctuation and run-on sentence issues in fairly large numbers, I'm going to refrain from citing specific instances for the remainder of the review in order to save some time.
Transition from Cryptic Social Maps 21:43
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- Title not quoted: Begin Infinite Shift ==> Begin "Infinite Shift" (Assuming you don't change the button text entirely.)
22:00CELES SYSTEM
22:01
Prefer something like "Approach the U.S.S. Triaxa." Even though I was told by the station operator that the Captain wants to talk to me, you haven't given the player a direct statement of what's expected. This is what the objective text is for. And yes, there's an objective marker on the mini-map, but that tends to be less obvious.
"deadheaded" -- they all have dialog behind them.
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- Run-on sentences.
- Hanging hyphens instead of long dash (double-hyphen surrounded by spaces)
- Extra commas.
- Question that ends with a period instead of a interrogatory mark.
- This is the first example of inappropriate capitalization I've seen, so I'll point out the specific case: "Have the Satellites Beamed Over" ==> "Have the satellites beamed over"
- FIRST SPELLING ERROR: "...my bursque manner..." ==> "...my brusque manner..."
00:16 -- fleet and personal conversations interveningTHE AZURE NEBULA 00:21
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- Inappropriate use of semicolons.
- Spelling: "...chosen this one ot be..."
- Capitalization: "Mirror Universe" should always be capitalized since it is a (compound) proper noun.
- Hanging hyphens.
- Run-on sentences. (Take a breath... place a period. Full stops are good.)
02:02DECK 9 02:05
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- Run-on-sentences.
- Hanging hyphens.
- Inappropriate semicolons.
03:07INTERNMENT AND DEPORTATION CAMP A47 16:48
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- Trailing hyphens.
- "I think at best we can..." ==> "I think, at best, we can..."
- Run-on sentences.
- "Alright, transporter." This would better as one of the following: "Alright: transporter." or "Alright, transporter it is."
- "Once we have found them, though... how to we go about getting to the transporter?" ==> "Once we have found them, though... how do we go about getting to the transporter?"
- "Release Cell Locking Mechanisms" -- over-capitalization.
- "...sent to fight for a prisoners' morale boost." ==> "...sent to fight for a prisoner's morale boost." The phrase "a prisoner" indicates that prisoner is singular, therefore the apostrophe comes before the possessive "s".
- "...a microdyne coupler is what you need, he's right." Two glaring issues here. My BOFF just called her FEMALE superior "he" and the placement of the phrase "he's right" is syntactically incorrect. You can fix both issues by removing the phrase entirely -- it's not needed.
18:06THE SURFACE 18:07
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- Run-on sentences.
- Hanging hyphens.
- "...in some part of prison facility,..." => "...in some part of the prison facility,..."
- Overcapitalization in interaction prompts.
18:55CARRAYA IV, AFTER DARK 18:59
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- Inappropriate semicolon use.
19:40TAL SHIAR FACILITY/YOUR SHIP 19:43
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- Hanging hyphens.
- Inappropriate semicolon use.
- Run-on sentences.
21:51CARRAYA IV SPACE 21:53
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- None? I had to rush through a lot of the dialogs because of being attacked.
22:16AZURE NEBULA
22:17
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- Hanging hyphens.
- Wrong terminator: "But the Triaxa had two ships- us and her?" This isn't a question. End with a period.
22:44A few of the things mentioned I believe are Cryptic errors, but I'm not 100% sure. Right now I'm responding to these without the mission open, so I can't confirm some of them.
- The Talk to USS Triaxa: If I recall, this is a button created by having a talk to contact objective in the storyline... Those buttons are, last time I checked, unable to be changed and will always read "Talk to (Contact)".
- Begin Infinite Shift: I will correct it to "Infinite Shift", but the name you give to your 'begin mission' button (the one that takes you into the mission) is also the one that shows up when you approach the system. I can't change it if I want that first button to state the mission title for players.
- "I take it you have some other menial task for us." : I intended this to be a statement, rather than a question. Should it still take a question mark anyway?
-Canon Continuity, Log #1: Admittedly I'm not sure of what I had written there, but this isn't the mirror universe, just to be clear. It's another parallel universe, and to be specific, the basis of this universe is drawn from the episode "Yesterday's Enterprise." The Enterprise C was never found in this universe, and the Federation lost the war with the Klingons in a matter of months as Picard said. Shortly after the Dominion comes in and takes over, but there is never a Terran Federation/Empire in this universe. If I'm actually talking about the Mirror Universe here, just ignore all that I've said. :P
Otherwise, thanks again!
my first and currently only Foundry mission is up on the Fed side, intended for a Romulan audience.
I think there may be some confusion here. YOU don't provide a "begin mission button" -- STOL does that for you when the player approaches the Celes system. My perception as a player is that I'm starting the mission when I press the STOL-provided button that says "Begin Infinite Shift". Play your mission in-game and you will see what I mean!
When we get to the map transition dialog that YOU provided, we players have ALREADY COMMITTED to playing "Infinite Shift". We chose to do that when we picked that button over "Patrol the Celes System". From the player's perspective THE MISSION HAS ALREADY STARTED.
The map transition button, even though it may seem like it from the editor, is NOT a begin mission button. It is a map transition button like any other. Having that button say "Begin Inifinite Shift" again is redundant and a bit confusing. As a player, I'm saying to myself "But... I already started 'Inifinite Shift', didn't I?"
So the button that YOU control for transitioning from Cryptic Space to your first map should say something other than the repetitious "Begin Infinite Shift". "Enter the Celes System", while bland, would be a much better choice here and will avoid the redundancy.
Again, I urge you to start your mission from inside the game (not the Foundry editor) with all this in mind and you will see what I mean.
And remember... I'm saying this to help make YOU and YOUR MISSION look better. I'm not just being a pedantic jerk.
I think for most people reading this sentence aloud it would sound like a rhetorical question, with the tone rising toward the end. (You've already come to a conclusion, but you are verifying your fears.) At least, that's the way it reads in my head. But I can see how the speaker could approach it with a "*sigh* I take it you have some OTHER menial task for us", which would not come off as a question, but as a resigned statement.
So it's, your call.
No, we are thinking of different parallel universes. Somewhere in the dialogue you mention "mirror universe" and immediately I thought we had entered THE Mirror Universe of the TOS episode "Mirror, Mirror", which is ruled with an iron fist by the evil Terran Empire. I grew up with TOS, so even though the later series are fresher, certain themes always jump back to TOS for me.
With this new perspective, my comment that you should capitalize "Mirror Universe" is incorrect.
Chalk this one up to your reviewer slowly becoming an old dude whose childhood memories are stronger than his adult ones.
EDIT: By the way, if you can polish up the text, I would strongly suggest you submit this mission for highlighting. As I said in the review. It's a strong story -- it just lacks polish.
And yes, there is some confusion about the second thing I brought up, but I really think it's on both our parts. You're right in that the mission has already begun; I was vague there and it would be more accurate of me to say the dialogue transition to the first non-social-zone map of the mission, I think. (Personally I don't consider a mission to have actually begun until I'm out of the social zone, discounting missions where you don't leave the social zone obviously, which is why I said 'begin.')
However, if I understand you right, what you're saying is that the button that pops up when you're in 1 km or so of the Celes system is provided by STO? And that in this case, the button that pops up when you approach the system says "Begin Infinite Shift." However, when the map transitition dialogue pops up, the button that allows you to transfer to the next map also says "Begin Infinite Shift".
What I'm trying to say here is that what you write for the second button (the map transition button, the 'let's go' as opposed to the 'not now') is also what will appear for the button that appears once you're in range of the system which you enter the mission from (the first one, the one you say is when the player chooses to begin the mission, instead of patrol Celes). I can tell you that I have confirmed this in the Foundry preview right now; as for on Holodeck, I haven't tested it with my own mission, but I have picked up several other missions and looked at the same spot. Obviously I can't say for certain but they do all have the same phrase for the 'range' button and the 'map transition' button. So if I say "Begin Infinite Shift" for the map transition button, it will also appear for the button that pops up when I'm in range, and it won't matter if I change it to "Enter the Celes System" because it will continue to be repetitive. Even if I change it to something like "wooooo STO Foundry yeah" the other one will change as well.
*Note: Please please please tell me if you think I'm interpreting what you're trying to say completely wrong. This whole button thing is rather confusing to be honest and I nearly decided to take some screenshots just to make sure we're on the same page here.
Oh, and one thing I forgot to mention in my last reply: the science v. engineering officer thing. Yes, that is a Foundry bug, one that I can confirm myself because it occurs on any Foundry mission I play with my Romulan character. :P It affects Romulan players only, though I'm not sure if it's all Romulan players or just limited to the Federation side.
my first and currently only Foundry mission is up on the Fed side, intended for a Romulan audience.
I figured as much, because your science and tactical BOFFs always displayed correctly, but my poor Reman Engineering BOFF didn't get any screen time.
And, by the way, I am a pedant and, at times, a jerk... but that's not why I do this.
EDIT: CONFIRMED. Yep, whatever you type for your transition button when leaving a SPACE Social Map is what you see when approaching the system. YUCK!
So, yes, your label should read: Begin "Infinite Shift"
I really don't like that. It forces your transition dialog and button text to fit a very narrow mold. I'm going to have to completely re-write the transition for the mission I'm testing with.
I'm sorry I didn't understand that mechanic earlier. I haven't worked with starting a mission from a Space Social Map before. My published mission and several test missions all used transitions from GROUND social maps, which don't suffer from this behavior.
Sorry it took a bit long but I was kinda burnt out from the Foundry after working nonstop on Purity I: Of Denial and and at the same time helping the other authors test. Anyways onto my feedback.
The idea behind the story is really interesting, it does bring up a good question...I won't say it due to spoilers. It's also a neat way to use it as a story too. I also really liked the map design, they were all very detailed and polished just like the rest of the mission. I gave it a 5/5.
A couple general things that I found off:
1. My Romulan has a Klingon uncle??? (It's not really that big of a deal just thought I'd mention it.)
2. Innuendo between me and the main characters (again same as above, what if I was female etc)
3. A lot of stuff about the player's personal history. It's something I personally don't like to see but if the mission is good enough I overlook it.
It was also reaaally long, took me about 2 hours.
More specific things:
Space Combat
The space combat was pretty typical of STO combat. Ships sit there and wait for you to attack. To shake things up you can mimic them "attacking" the player by having them patrol to where you expect the player to be. They'll also engage the second they get in range.
Also you can put more than 1 npc group in a battle together which most players should be able to handle. For instance I typed this up while my ship blew up one of the cruiser npc groups and I didn't have to do anything (Map-M24 Leaving). Putting the frigate group with it would make it more interesting and challenging.
Map - House of Dubious Virtue
Leetah the Dabo girl? Did you mean Leeta? Is there a KDF version?
Klingons names all start with lower case, i assume you did it on purpose if so that's fine
Tough captain NPC group a surprise (also my KDF-rommy sucks i took like 5 minutes to kill it)
Room #4 and #5 didn't have a response to the boff complaining about your voyeurism just a continue button
Map - Qo'nos System
The talk about "emo" hirogen and Captain "buggerit" were kinda immersion breaking, not a big deal for me but some players may not like it
Map - Ready Room
One of my boffs spawned on the desk!
Hehe flashed something else hehe
Map - uhh travelling to Qo'nos
You can get rid of this map transition by just having the warp effect appear in the previous map when you reach the warp out point.
Map - House of Dubious (ending)
Last combat extremely difficult. Lt Cmdr + Captain. Died countless times!
In the end not that much to say, as I mentioned above it was very polished. Just things I thought would make the gameplay a bit smoother.
Foundry Mission Database
Check out my Foundry missions:
Standalone - The Great Escape - The Galaxy's Fair - Purity I: Of Denial - Return to Oblivion
Untitled Series - Duritanium Man - The Improbable Bulk - Commander Rihan
Is the mission named incorrectly? Form from? If its wrong it gives a bad first impression "eww this guy can't even spell his title right I'm gonna play a different mission". Overall this continues as there is subpar grammar and typos. The Maps are very bare and it really felt like a grinder as all I was doing was shooting ships and I eventually forgot what the storyline was.
Overall I kinda got the feeling that all it was is a mission where actors were given funny names for laughs and that was it. I had to give it a 2 star because there really wasn't anything else.
Specific things
Map - The Forbidden Lawn
Objective spelling mistakes - Show that Lizzard they arn't Targs
I don't get the point of this map other than to kill a whole bunch of doggies
Map - I thought i had seen it all
lower case in map name
Combat is all spaced out very far apart, don't need to do that
Annoying to have to fly to all of them, same thing goes for the next map
Foundry Mission Database
Check out my Foundry missions:
Standalone - The Great Escape - The Galaxy's Fair - Purity I: Of Denial - Return to Oblivion
Untitled Series - Duritanium Man - The Improbable Bulk - Commander Rihan
There are actually two places in the dialog that indicate "uncle" is a title of honor, not blood. The first place is, unfortunately, in a dialog branch, so it's easy to miss -- something I should consider reworking. The other is when you find out that the Orion reporter also refers to Q'Jel as her "uncle".
Yeah, I did that stuff knowing that it might rub people wrong. I did it mainly because I had a bunch of gags I wanted to get out that kind of poke fun at things that were needed in the various series as narrative devices, but would likely not happen in real life. This story, as you know, is heavy in an odd sort of way and adding the personal stuff helped lighten the mood. But, again, I definitely see how not everyone will take those elements in stride. I considered removing them as I was refining the mission, but left them in because my characters started feeling two-dimensional.
This is excellent feedback. My KDF character is very good on ground but not great in space. But even for her the battles are a bit of a cakewalk. This is something I'll definitely work on!
Yeah, it's a bit of a Klingon language joke. It makes her name seem harsher. There are a few non-Klingons in the story with Klingon names for humor's sake. (The Admiral even makes a comment about "Orions taking on Klingon names" later in the story.
Stirct tlhIngan Hol does not capitalize proper names or the beginnings of sentences since each version of a character has a different phoneme -- or the capital/lower-case version of the letter doesn't exist in the alphabet. (e.g.: "h" and "H" have different sounds and there is no capital "L" in tlhIngan Hol.) I was being a bit of a purist with that. If it confuses people, it's worth revising, though.
Sounds like our KDF strength and weaknesses are reversed.
Ouch! Yeah, I'll fix those.
I was trying to crack a few more jokes in-between battles. I'll see if I can re-work it a bit. Was Buggerit's dialogue the concern or the name itself?
Ah, that's a very good point. I was bothered by this being a "one conversation wonder" map. That's a very good solution. "Purity: Of the Day" uses that trick a lot, I noticed -- and I liked it.
Again, zorbane, I appreciate you taking your time to do this -- not just for me, but for everyone else. Thank you!
As for your question it was only the name (Buggerit) that bothered me, the dialog was fine.
Foundry Mission Database
Check out my Foundry missions:
Standalone - The Great Escape - The Galaxy's Fair - Purity I: Of Denial - Return to Oblivion
Untitled Series - Duritanium Man - The Improbable Bulk - Commander Rihan
In my opinion "funny" names do work if the theme of the mission calls for it. I don't know if you've played my mission "The Galaxy's Fair" but almost all the NPC names are humorous references to other characters in TV or what have you.
However the whole theme of the "The Galaxy's Fair" is a big running joke, so they fit (in my opinion). For The Sins of the Fathers, it really caught me off guard as before that everything was "normal". Even then "Buggerit" may be too obvious of a joke name too. Usually when authors have a name like that it'd look like "Bugr'it" or something like that.
Foundry Mission Database
Check out my Foundry missions:
Standalone - The Great Escape - The Galaxy's Fair - Purity I: Of Denial - Return to Oblivion
Untitled Series - Duritanium Man - The Improbable Bulk - Commander Rihan
Author's Handle: @alysvanya
Level:
Mission ID: ST-HD9QWFB8P
Allegiance: Federation
Running Time: 1 hour (estimated)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REVIEWER'S PROLOGUE:
This is an editorial review. This means I am treating your mission as if it was submitted to me as a manuscript for publication. As the Editor, my job is to work with the author to hone the "manuscript" (the mission) into something I would be proud to publish under my imprint. As such, I will be looking at your mission in a microscopic fashion.
Note that because of the level of detail, I'm basically putting Post-It notes on your manuscript. This means that I'm writing as I play your mission. The result is that you will see a mix of impressions and recommendations in the first section of each map's review. This is true for each section of the review except for the Overview, where I give my overall impressions and opinions after finishing your mission.
Each map review contains a separate section addressing spelling/grammar/etc. I find that separating this "mechanical" stuff out helps people separate my opinions and impressions from the nitpicky stuff that just needs to be fixed. I think it also helps the reader to not think "every mission sucks" because they stop seeing the good stuff embedded in all the nitpicks. Plus, darnit, I think it looks better that way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OVERVIEW:
This mission continues the events of "Star Trek: Saturn: Ep 1", following the leads left behind on the encrypted PADD you found near the end of that mission.
The story here was not quite as satisfying to me as Episode 1. Where the first episode exposed you to a few mysteries (missing transport ships, an assassination and an encrypted PADD that cost a Ferengi mechant his life), episode 2 provides very little. We learn early on that the PADD contained the illegal activities of Daimon Bok surrounding a rare element and we follow a couple of clues leading to a hidden base, but there's not a lot of fresh meat here as there was in the first episode.
The author also tried some new things that I feel didn't help the mission, such as having practically every character recite their name, rank, ship, years of service and race. For me, this got in the way of advancing the story. It's information that would be good for rounding out her characters if it were presented in a less regurgitated manner. Another thing she tried was introducing a sort of opening title sequence where the player travels between a number of destination points in an undisclosed system whereupon the author's alter ego quotes a fragment of introduction. The effect desired was the famous TOS/TNG "Space... the Final Frontier..." introduction, but it fell flat for me and came off as one of several One Objective Wonder maps to be found in this mission.
There were some highlights here: the Deep Space Nine interior map is lovely and alive. There are some shipboard battles that show off some nice use of atmospheric and damage effects. And we do solve part of the mystery that is presented in the first segment.
But there were also a number of things that detracted from the story: several One Objective Wonder maps; a number of apparent continuity issues; and a blatant violation of the Prime Directive where a Starfleet away team visits a pre-warp society and openly uses transporter technology in front of them.
Overall, I gave "Star Trek: Saturn: Ep2" three stars. It has the good story established in Episode 1 to ride on, but there's a lot here that could have been better -- or just simpler. I'm still looking forward to the final episode to see how this story turns out.
PROJECT DESCRIPTION: 17:30
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- Each of your bullet points should end with a semicolon, not a comma or nothing.
- "...missing vulcan convoy..." ==> "...missing Vulcan convoy..."
- "*You were attacked by orions as you were about to head for the wolf 359 system," ==> "*You were attacked by Orions as you were about to head for the Wolf 359 system;"
- "You scaned the area..." ==> "You scanned the area..."
- "...before he was assassinated by cardassians," ==> "...before he was assassinated by Cardassians;"
- The last item that states your current status should not be a bullet point.
- "To begin the mission goto..." ==> "To begin the mission go to..."
17:43GRANT DIALOG: 17:43
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- "Apperantly he has..." ==> "Apparently he has..."
- "Go to shuttle bay door #1 at DS9..." ==> "Go to shuttle bay door #1 on DS9..."
- "For those who have not played Episode 1 before 8-13-2013 should concider..." ==> "Those who have not played Episode 1 before 8-13-2013 should consider..."
- 8-13-2013 -- this is only meaningful to players from the USA. Prefer a date format that is culturally neutral and unambiguous, such as 13-AUG-2013. (Or spell the date out in proper format: August 13, 2013.)
17:51Map Transition from Cryptic Social Map 18:02
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- You should put the title of your mission in quotation marks on the map transition button.
16:10THE PROLOG 16:11
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- "-It's Given Mission: ..." This reads very oddly. Simplify to "It's mission: ...", removing the hyphen and the overcapitalization.
- The text for the last "?" objective ended in a period, instead of an ellipsis, but the map transition dialog appears to continue the introductory text.
- The leading hyphens for all but the first dialog should be replaced with ellipsises. For the first dialog it should be removed since it has no meaning.
18:44MEETING AT DS9 19:05
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- "Greetings once again [RANK]." ==> "Greetings once again, [RANK]."
- "My mother is vulcan..." ==> "My mother is Vulcan..."
- "When I graduated Starfleet assigned..." ==> "When I graduated, Starfleet assigned..."
- "The Yorktown A Remained in commission..." ==> "The Yorktown A remained in commission..."
- "Three years after it was built the Yorktown B was lost due to a warp core breech." ==> "Three years after it was built, the Yorktown B was lost due to a warp core breach."
- "...but the ship was beyond repair." ==> "...but the ship was damaged beyond repair."
- "I reckin'" ==> "I reckon" Reckon is a real English word dating back to the 13th century -- there's no need to colloquialize it. You'll even find it in the Authorized King James Bible of 1611.
- "...yourselves with eachother..." ==> "...yourselves with each other..."
- "According to the Intel Bok was expelled..." ==> "According to the intel, Bok was expelled..."
- "The [ShipName] will goto Malon III..." ==> "The [ShipName] will go to Malon III..."
20:54DEEP SPACE NINE 20:55
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- None.
20:58Malon III (Surface) 19:00
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- "...we would be greatful." ==> "...we would be grateful."
- "...you are welcome here anytime." ==> "...you are welcome here any time."
- "...I remember over hearing one of..." ==> "...I remember overhearing one of..."
- "...person named "alpha" is. But, he seemed..." ==> "...person named "Alpha" is, but he seemed..."
- "Seems formiliar some how." ==> "Seems familiar somehow."
- "...with the background a blaze." ==> "...with the background ablaze."
21:44MALON VI
21:45
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- "...to goto the ship..." ==> "...to go to the ship..." "GOTO" is only valid in computer programming languages -- and archaic ones at that.
- "...to get through, after a few..." ==> "...to get through. After a few..."
- "Team, Goto the..." ==> "Team, go to the..."
- "Aye, Energize" ==> "Aye. Energize."
22:03U.S.S. NORWAY DECK 4 22:04
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- "...beaming up crew, when I give the word." ==> "...beaming up crew when I give the word." Also, since this is ship-to-ship, you should say "over" instead of "up"
- "...jefferies tubes." ==> "...Jefferies' tubes." These were named after Walter M. Jefferies who was the primary set and prop designer for TOS. The man could work wonders with styrofoam. But I digress... (And yes, that was all off the top of my head.
)
- "...seal the area off with forcefields." ==> "...seal the area off with force fields."
22:33U.S.S. NORWAY DECK 2 22:33
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- "There will surly be..." ==> "There will surely be..."
22:38U.S.S. NORWAY DECK 1 22:41
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- "...I was over powered." ==> "...I was overpowered."
- "Transpoter Chief Beam Commander..." ==> "Transporter Chief, beam Commander..."
- "Sir, The Norway is beyond repair." ==> "Sir, the Norway is beyond repair."
22:56MALON VI 22:57
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- "The Loranik is headed back to Fardassian space, Sir." ==> I think you meant "Cardassian"
23:06UNKNOWN LOCATION 23:07
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- None.
23:11U.S.S. YORKTOWN D BRIDGE 23:13
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- "If you would like to know the backstory ok Captain Vanya..." ==> "If you would like to know the backstory of Captain Vanya..."
- "I want you to goto..." ==> "I want you to go to..."
- "We will be in contact with you're ship." ==> "We will be in contact with your ship."
23:29REIMERS SYSTEM 23:30
Spelling/Grammar/Localization & Gender Neutrality Issues:
- None. (Actually, there were a few, but I'm getting very tired.)
23:53Release notes can be found here: http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/showpost.php?p=13125431&postcount=10
One thing not mentioned in the notes is that Captain Buggerit has been renamed to Captain Harkon.
EDIT: (not worth a bump)
I replayed "The Sins..." version 1.1 and I love the battle changes. Thanks for encouraging me to do that, zorbane. The battles may still be a bit easy for the OP crowd, but I had a blast on the M24 (leaving) map with my Marauder.
And that first ground Captain battle, which I didn't change, kicked my butt, but I haven't played my KDF character in a couple of weeks and had forgotten how to use all my kit powers. By the end of the mission I had no problem taking down the Captain group representing the Elite Guard. So I think I'm going to leave that first Captain group as-is unless I get more feedback saying to tone it down.
Foundry Mission Database
Check out my Foundry missions:
Standalone - The Great Escape - The Galaxy's Fair - Purity I: Of Denial - Return to Oblivion
Untitled Series - Duritanium Man - The Improbable Bulk - Commander Rihan
Parallels: my second mission for Fed aligned Romulans.
Agreed! There are a few I still need to get to but have been distracted by the pre-season 8 stuff and my mission review formatter.
Let's get rid of all those zeroes on the first page!
Also, if anyone wants to try my first mission, please feel free. All the info is in my signature.
Mission Name: Healing Old Wounds
Allegiance: Federation
Level: Any
Healing Old Wounds (Of Bajor and Cardassia: Episode I)
There is an incoming message! A Bajoran scientist informs you that a state of emergency has been declared in Hathon. He is requesting that you leave to rendezvous with him on Bajor immediately. This mission will call for scientific, diplomatic and tactical skills, both in space and on the ground.
This mission is story oriented and is part of a series of episodes I am writing that revolve around the Bajoran people. This mission is perfect for fans of DS9, but can be enjoyed by anyone.
(Also, a quick shout-out, please visit Starbase UGC for all your Foundry needs!)
Don't feel too much pressure about how you format your feedback, some of us (me and especially donperk!!!) like to be really detailed. Just do it how you want to
Foundry Mission Database
Check out my Foundry missions:
Standalone - The Great Escape - The Galaxy's Fair - Purity I: Of Denial - Return to Oblivion
Untitled Series - Duritanium Man - The Improbable Bulk - Commander Rihan
Yeah, my reviews are kind of over-the-top. If you need a guideline, I'd recommend: Keep it simple and let people know what you liked, what you loved, what you didn't like and what can be improved. Play the mission to enjoy it.
I really do an "editorial review", which is a bit different. My approach makes it a bit harder for me to just enjoy the mission. (I often replay them after the review to see the mission for itself and not for it's review content.) I think that Foundry missions are best improved by having multiple people review and give their input. Yours will be different than mine, and that's exactly what we need.
I'm only Level 12... are the missions not showing up because they are too hard for me??
(Also, a quick shout-out, please visit Starbase UGC for all your Foundry needs!)
Most probably because of that, yes.. Missions levels are based on the mobs the author used.
For example, if the author used a KDF mob, the mission level get raised to 13 (might be different, it's only used as an example). When the author has chosen to put a borg mob instead, the minimun level will be scaled to 41.
I call it, the Stoutes paradox.
Most (I hesitate to say "all" but it probably is all of them) missions involving rogue Starfleet stuff are level-restricted because we have no way of directly controlling mob allegiance, so the only way to get an ability-accurate Starfleet ship for an enemy is to reskin a Terran Empire ship (they're the only other faction that uses phasers).
— Sabaton, "Great War"
Check out https://unitedfederationofpla.net/s/
EDIT: Oh wow -- it was Starswordc's "Bait and Switch" V1.1.2. I know he's done some updates within the last few days since that report was generated, but the changes he described shouldn't have changed the level restriction.
This is a challenge I am dealing with. I am building a Romulan mission that I want to be at level 10 so new Romulan players can play. But It has Federation enemies in it and I will probably just have to reskin a level 10 enemy group and grin and bear all the criticism. There is a real lack of level 10 content for Fed Romulans in the foundry.
Parallels: my second mission for Fed aligned Romulans.
I was talking about part 2 having Remans and Terrans, not part 1.
— Sabaton, "Great War"
Check out https://unitedfederationofpla.net/s/
Foundry Mission Database
Check out my Foundry missions:
Standalone - The Great Escape - The Galaxy's Fair - Purity I: Of Denial - Return to Oblivion
Untitled Series - Duritanium Man - The Improbable Bulk - Commander Rihan
Also, here are my first two (and only) published missions:
Mission Name: Contact Squared
Author: eldil
Minimum Level: 41+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HDKD38CDP
Estimated Mission Length: 1hour 30minutes
Mission Name: Contact Squared Part 2
Author: eldil
Minimum Level: 41+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HJID8YSBG
Estimated Mission Length: 1hour 30 minutes
Thanks in advance!
My Missions
Contact Squared Part 1
Contact Squared Part 2
Contact Squared: Tribunal (coming soon)
Contact Squared: Shadows (coming... not as soon...)
Rule is to play at least one mission on the list to get your mission added (and a guaranteed review from me). Which one you pick doesn't really matter, I'd prefer if it was one without feedback yet. I'd also like people to actually reciprocate reviews when someone plays theirs, although its not a rule.
Thanks for joining!
Foundry Mission Database
Check out my Foundry missions:
Standalone - The Great Escape - The Galaxy's Fair - Purity I: Of Denial - Return to Oblivion
Untitled Series - Duritanium Man - The Improbable Bulk - Commander Rihan