I have another mission review request. "Sorcery of Old" is a KDF mission open to warriors of any level.
ID: ST-HH36JV7RD
Estimated time: 30 min
Door: T'ong nebula, Beta Quadrant
An attack on an archaeological dig site leaves an entire team of Klingon historians dead. Journey to the planet Kor'Moran to find the killers and discover the secret it holds.
Hmm thanks Brian I had no idea that was still happening- just went and checked the mission in the foundry... it didn't finish updating during my last fix. Which also means all the optional objectives weren't there I'm guessing. I'd tested with my main PC and hadn't seen that happening anymore in regards to the Doomsday Machines. Oh well, at least I've almost fully finished mission three.
There should have been a "captains log stardate yada yada at the start... Urgg I just lost so much!
The last map there on the Dragon really just exist to introduce a couple minor characters who will be sho3wing up in later missions- being the Republic Soreth and Admiral Shivorn.
Post edited by zionus0 on
Why do I still play and put money into STO?
The Foundry, and my love of Star Trek
I've just gotten my foundry mission working again after more than a year of it being down. It was originally a single, giant campaign of nearly 3-hours in duration (far too long). I have since broken it up into several smaller episodes for convenience, but still consider it all to be a single story. If you'd be kind enough to give each part a review, I believe it would be a good help in improving both the quality and exposure of the missions.
Mission Names:
Picking Up The Pieces [Part:1]
Picking Up The Pieces [Part:2]
Picking Up The Pieces [Part:3]
Author: Solastrius
Minimum Level: 31+ or above
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID's:
ST-HMJCL5JHK
ST-HATMUG78N
ST-HTGR4TIXI
Mission lengths are estimated at roughly 45 minutes each...
I have another mission review request. "Sorcery of Old" is a KDF mission open to warriors of any level.
ID: ST-HH36JV7RD
Estimated time: 30 min
Door: T'ong nebula, Beta Quadrant
An attack on an archaeological dig site leaves an entire team of Klingon historians dead. Journey to the planet Kor'Moran to find the killers and discover the secret it holds.
Hi Lordarathron,
Sorry for the extremely long delay in getting back to you on this review request. I have been on travel for work and fun so no real time to do anything here. I hope to remedy this at least once a week. So currently your mission is 5th in the queue behind starfarertheta. I look forward to reviewing your mission as soon as I can.
Hmm thanks Brian I had no idea that was still happening- just went and checked the mission in the foundry... it didn't finish updating during my last fix. Which also means all the optional objectives weren't there I'm guessing. I'd tested with my main PC and hadn't seen that happening anymore in regards to the Doomsday Machines. Oh well, at least I've almost fully finished mission three.
There should have been a "captains log stardate yada yada at the start... Urgg I just lost so much!
The last map there on the Dragon really just exist to introduce a couple minor characters who will be sho3wing up in later missions- being the Republic Soreth and Admiral Shivorn.
Hey Zionus0,
Sorry for the late reply as I mentioned in my other post it has been busy here. I am sorry you lost so much work as I know how much effort can go into making projects. Glad I was able to help and provide you with needed feedback.
Hi Brian, I am calling on you again to help me with my second published mission:
ST-HCCVWZIUU
Parallels [Rom]
Level 50+
Fed (designed as a Romulan mission)
Door is the building in the south of staging area on new Romulus.
Hi Lincolninspace,
Sorry for the late reply but welcome to the queue. Your mission is currently 6th in the queue behind Lordarathron. I will get your mission as soon as I can.
I've just gotten my foundry mission working again after more than a year of it being down. It was originally a single, giant campaign of nearly 3-hours in duration (far too long). I have since broken it up into several smaller episodes for convenience, but still consider it all to be a single story. If you'd be kind enough to give each part a review, I believe it would be a good help in improving both the quality and exposure of the missions.
Mission Names:
Picking Up The Pieces [Part:1]
Picking Up The Pieces [Part:2]
Picking Up The Pieces [Part:3]
Author: Solastrius
Minimum Level: 31+ or above
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID's:
ST-HMJCL5JHK
ST-HATMUG78N
ST-HTGR4TIXI
Mission lengths are estimated at roughly 45 minutes each...
Summary: This is a good mission, which is a bit of a surprise based on your description. If I was not asked to do a mission review and only read the description I may not have played it. I would also create an entry in The Foundry for Star Trek Online - Mission Database located in the forums and on StarBase UGC. After playing the mission I have to say from the map designs, through the battles and into the nearly flawless story dialogue this is a good mission. I would highly recommend this mission to other players who enjoy a good mix of those elements.
I mentioned the tedious nature of your Reman Settlement map that is entered below but wanted to touch on it here in the summary as well. The basic principle that should drive the types of tasks that are not directly related to the story on that map, should be do they add anything to the story? If not then you must consider removing them or making them optional tasks with appropriate responses to move the main dialogue along. An example might be when the worker cannot get a part the player may say I will see what I can do and then the worker answers his questions. When the player talks to the Quartermaster about the part he then tells him to give the worker the parts and stop acting like a child. That is one example and it ends the back and forth. If the player chooses to take on the optional mission tasks he can. Otherwise the player can choose to ignore the optional tasks and move on with completion of the map.
One final note. In case anyone thought in my recent absences I may have forgotten about the use of "Continue" as a default response button, I did not. There were a couple of places where may have used this response a bit excessively but overall it was not that much. I would only caution you on the use of that response in your dialogue.
Below are just a few things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a very basic description with little information. Consider adding more story to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Hail'. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is good dialogue with intriguing information but may not be enough to draw the player in and make them click the 'Accept' button. Consider adding a little more back ground story here or other information that may entice the player into accepting the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
MAPS: Trimble System: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Freighter Carol Ann: This is a good map design with several challenging battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Reman Settlement: The map design is well done but a little too spread out, with several challenging battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-All of the side tasks, apology, water pump, shuttle parts, etc. appear to be unnecessary to advance the story and make the map tedious. Consider changing all of the unrelated story elements to optional tasks the player does not have to complete in order to finish the map. You can write the dialogue and responses to cover the possibility of the player taking on the optional task. With optional tasks you can have them appear of the player chooses to do them, otherwise they will not be available.
Trimble System: This is a good map design with some tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Pirate Base: This is a good map design with some simple battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Speak with freezing Ferengi dialogue; consider changing "Thos targs were going" to read "Those targs were going".
Pirate Fortress: This is a good map design with several challenging battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Trimble System: This is a good map design with some challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Having the spawn point near the middle of the enemy engagements can be a little annoying from the player's point of view. Consider moving the enemy engagements to start with the lower level enemy just outside the spawn point range, about 15K away. Then the enemy can be progressively more difficult up to the final enemy engagement.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job in developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Hey everyone, especially all of you in my queue, awaiting a review. It has been several months since my last review and I want to apologize for the delay. My house has been in pieces while I am having a remodel done. The kitchen was the main focus but the rest of the house needed painting and flooring. Almost done with remodel but still have a few things left. Office is mostly back together and main computer back online. I hope to start the in depth reviews back up shortly. With everything that has been going on I am looking forward to playing again soon. Below is the queue as of 0830 PST 11/28/2015.
Mission 1: SFI: The beginning Author: Logitech007
Mission 2: A Secret Weapon Author: lordarathron
Mission 3: The Omnitabula - Awakening Author: starfarertheta
Mission 4: Sorcery of Old Author: lordarathron
Mission 5: Parallels Author: Lincolninspace
Mission 6: Picking Up The Pieces [Part:1] Author: Solastrius
Mission 7: Picking Up The Pieces [Part:2] Author: Solastrius
Mission 8: Picking Up The Pieces [Part:2] Author: Solastrius
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "Submit for review" for details on what I need you to submit your mission.
Hey Evil70th, i am back with a new mission, that i would like for you to review.
Thank you for taking the time to review my new mission.
Title: SFI: The beginning
ID: ST-HUZOIRNE9
Author: Logitech007
Language: English
Allegiance: Starfleet/Federation
Level: Any
Version: V:1.4: Took out some enemies in the final space battle.
Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VUafl6T9iEU
Story: You have finished transporting a prisoner over to a secret Federation prison, when you receive a priority one message from Admiral Stella Whyte from Starfleet Intelligence asking for some help.
Summary: Overall I would say the mission is a good concept but it does need work on the spelling, syntax and grammar in the story dialogue. There are places in the story were it seems that there may be missing dialogue or it is assumed the player knows something that has not been mentioned previously. You need to review the dialogue to address the issues I have brought up in my review. Most of the battles are pretty well balanced except as noted below. The maps are very well designed and meet the story concept overall. Each of these elements contribute to the mission's playability, taking it from a nice mission to a great mission and series. Despite these issues the player can still enjoy the mission and should provide you with appropriate feedback.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description but may need just a little more story to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is identical to the description, which means you should consider changing this by adding more story. Something that draws the player in and makes them want to click the 'Accept' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial mission task. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a very simple use of the entry prompt. Consider adding something to do with the story that will help the player get in the mood for your missions. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
MAPS: Prison: The map design is good but the story dialogue needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue, consider changing "[MissionInfo]Please pay attention to any thing that is highlighted or blinking[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Please pay attention to anything that is highlighted or blinking[/MissionInfo]".
-The dialogue with Vice Admiral Stella Whyte, consider changing "We are requiring all Vessels that are close by to meet back at Starfleet Intelligence" to read "We require all vessels in the vicinity to rendezvous here at Starfleet Intelligence".
Unknown Location: The map design is good but the story dialogue needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post Scan the area dialogue, consider changing "That is a few Intelligence vessels in one spot" to read "That is quite a few intelligence vessels in one spot".
-Consider changing "I have not seen anymore than two in one region of space since the Dominion war" to read "I have never seen this many in one location since the Dominion war".
-Consider changing "Vice Admiral Stella Whyte has signed us that as soon as we are within transporter range, we can transport down" to read "Vice Admiral Whyte has signaled us to close to transporter range and beam down as soon as possible".
-Consider changing the response button "Bring us to with transporter range" to read "Bring us within transporter range".
Starfleet Intelligence Complex: This is a great map design but the dialogue needs a lot of work. I noted several items to consider changing:
-The Lt Clark dialogue, consider changing the response button "Follow the way Lt." to read "Lead the way Lt."
-The post Join the Briefing dialogue, consider changing the response button "Has anyone claim responsibility for these attacks" to read "Has anyone claimed responsibility for these attacks".
-Consider changing "But a few minutes before each bombing there were a subspace message to each of these embassies" to read "But a few minutes before the attacks a subspace message was sent to each location".
-Consider adding a quote on both sides of the statement 'We are Ar Risalah and we are here'.
-Both Captain Mansfield and Captain Arnold ask questions but Admiral Whyte only responds to Captain Arnold. Consider having her respond to both Captains.
-Consider changing "Both Admiral Chakotay and Starfleet Intelligence are looking further into this matter" to read "Both Admiral Chakotay and Starfleet Intelligence are investigating these incidents".
-The Vice Admiral Stella Whyte dialogue starting with "In the first attack" does not seem to make sense. The players question on the previous dialogue was "What else can you tell us about this". The follow on dialogue appears to be nonresponsive. It reads as if you changed the dialogue and left something out. Specifically from the player response Vice Admiral Whyte goes into the casualty figures for each attack. Additionally I think the vice admiral would refer to the Klingon and Cardassian people who died as personnel and not groups.
-The dialogue that starts with "The Detapa Council" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "I have spoken to Chancellor J'Mpok" contains two sentences that are run on sentences and need to be rewritten.
-The Commander Snowball dialogue that starts with "Sir, sorry to interrupt" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "Yes, the Klingon vessel" needs to be changed to two spate sentences with a period after "Yes".
-Consider changing the response button "The Klingons will want blood now for this" to read "The Klingons will want blood for this".
-The Lt Winn dialogue needs to be rewritten to remove the hard returns between "Bomb three" and "Bomb four".
-Additionally Lt Winn mentions "Bomb four" but this is the first time the player has heard of bomb four in the dialogue. There is no explanation of what was bombed. In later dialogue you mention the bombing of the lab as if the player already knew about it. Consider adding dialogue that discusses the fourth bombing with the player asking questions.
-Consider changing the response button "Where did they get all of this materials" to read "Where did they get all of these materials".
-There is no dialogue following the second explosives test. Only after the first bomb test. This seems odd since the second bomb was the one I tested first. Consider adding dialogue that is triggered by each test. Now if the dialogue follows both explosions it may make more sense but I still think you should have triggered dialogue for each blast.
-The commander Zorbane dialogue "you dumb stupid matrix" seems unprofessional since dumb and stupid mean the same thing.
-Several of your consoles, and other objects have buttons labeled "Interact" which is the default button entry. Consider changing each one to match the appropriate operation you expect from the player. For example, "Access console" or "Read padd" etc.
-The Rear Admiral Jeff White dialogue starting with "I was transferred from" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "[OOC]when we were trying to capturing him[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]when we tried capturing him[/OOC]".
-The Rear Admiral Jeff White dialogue starting with "According to some sources" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "[OOC]that wont happen[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]that won't happen[/OOC]"
-Consider changing "[OOC]He's insane and what a better place to have him locked up is at the prisons and not running around the galaxy[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]He's insane and rather than having him run around the galaxy, he needs to be locked away in prison[/OOC]".
-The [OOC] dialogue that starts with "Admiral, we should not" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten. Additionally the statement should read "at face value" vice "as face value".
-The Rear Admiral Jeff White dialogue, consider changing "give him some layaway" to read "give him some leeway".
-Consider changing the map transfer dialogue, "[Rank], we are coming towards the Prison" to read "[Rank], we are approaching the prison".
-Due to the volume of spelling, syntax and grammatical errors will only note maps with these issues and not the specific issue. It will be up to you to review the dialogue on those maps.
Prison: This is a good map design but the story dialogue has spelling, syntax and grammatical errors that need to be reviewed. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are some spelling, syntax and grammar errors in the dialogue. You should consider examining all the dialogue to locate these errors, which include some run on sentences.
-The Rear Admiral Jeff White dialogue starting with "Admiral, I don't" looks like it was intended to be [OOC] dialogue coming from the player. The response button for that dialogue "What did he say" looks like it should be coming from Rear Admiral White.
-Some of your consoles, and other objects have buttons labeled "Interact" which is the default button entry. Consider changing each one to match the appropriate operation you expect from the player. For example, "Access console" or "Read padd" etc.
Player's Brig: This is a good map design but the story dialogue has spelling, syntax and grammatical errors that need to be reviewed. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are some spelling, syntax and grammar errors in the dialogue. You should consider examining all the dialogue to locate these errors, which include some run on sentences.
-Some of the dialogue appears to be disorganized or random. It reads as though there is additional dialogue that you had but did not include in the story. Almost as if you assumed the player knew the information that the dialogue referred to.
Station: This is a good map design, with tough but fun battles. The story dialogue has spelling, syntax and grammatical errors that need to be reviewed. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are some spelling, syntax and grammar errors in the dialogue. You should consider examining all the dialogue to locate these errors, which include some run on sentences.
-Some of the dialogue appears to be disorganized or random.
Station space: This is a good map design with overwhelming battle odds right at the start point. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider spreading the enemy vessels out between the initial spawn point and the system departure point. This would make more sense despite the enemy engagements not being required mission elements. The player could chose to go around them or engage each group while traveling to the exit point.
-Consider changing the map transfer dialogue "Sir, we are coming towards the location" to read "[Rank], we are approaching the Federation facility".
Federation Funeral Facility: This is a good map design but the story dialogue has spelling, syntax and grammatical errors that need to be reviewed. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Several locations in the dialogue you use "Vice Admiral Stella White" vice "Vice Admiral Stella Whyte" as you used at the beginning of the map.
-There are some spelling, syntax and grammar errors in the dialogue. You should consider examining all the dialogue to locate these errors, which include some run on sentences.
-Some of the dialogue appears to be disorganized. Specifically there is no mention of Vice Admiral Whyte's death prior to transferring to this map. Again, it is as if you are assuming the player knows something that was never part of the story dialogue.
Unknown Location: This is a good map design with some fun battles. The story dialogue has spelling, syntax and grammatical errors that need to be reviewed. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are some spelling, syntax and grammar errors in the dialogue. You should consider examining all the dialogue to locate these errors, which include some run on sentences.
-Consider changing "Rear Admiral white" to read "Rear Admiral White".
Federation Council Chamber: The map design here is outstanding. I really like the details you made throughout the chamber. There are a few locations in the dialogue that have spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are some spelling, syntax and grammar errors in the President Aennik Okeg dialogue. You should consider examining the dialogue to locate these errors, which include at least one run on sentence.
-Having the player go to each delegate to hear their vote seems to be a useless set of tasks. Consider removing the reference to the player gathering the votes. Each of the delegates from the original tasks should share their opinions and vote. Also consider expanding the President's speech to include more details about the attacks and threats faced by the Federation and its allies. In other words there is room here to expand the story and make it far more interesting.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. This mission is a good concept and can be a great series with a little more work. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Description: Everything comes together in this explosive conclusion of the Omnitabula trilogy. Discover the dark secret of the Xausean homeworld, achieve greater understanding of the nature of Enigma, and find the unexpected.
Summary: This mission is a great one and well worth the time to play. The map designs are outstanding throughout, the battles are tough but fun and your story dialogue is excellent. This is a fine addition to the series. I would highly recommend this mission, as well as the entire series, to all players. You will enjoy them from start to finish.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I like the different options you give the player to use prior to continuing the mission.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
MAPS:
The Unexpected [Xausea System]: This is a great map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post Head to the nebula dialogue; consider changing "confirmed, it is a subspace tear" to read "Confirmed, it is a subspace tear".
-Consider changing "I recommend every ship times so that we are all going at once" to read "I recommend that all ships time it so we are all engaging at once".
-Prior to the Engage Warp Drive task you place a "Move to warp location" task. When I engaged Warp Drive the warp effect was at least 13 to 15 KM away from me. If you add that task you can guarantee the player will be in the right spot when the effect is shown.
-The post Scan Area dialogue; consider changing "the hostile vessels do not notice" to read "the hostile vessels did not notice".
Xausea [Oceanic City]: This is a great map design that is well executed with excellent story dialogue. I liked the "Skip Puzzle" options in your dialogue. I know there are players who like them but I do not always care to complete them in order to play, so it is appreciated. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
The Central Chamber [Xausea]: This is a fantastic map design that is well executed with excellent story dialogue. Again, I liked the "Skip Puzzle" options in your dialogue.
Beyond Time or Place [Unknown]: This is another fantastic map design with well executed story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "It's as if this was an illusion was made for our benefit" to read "It's as if this was an illusion made for our benefit".
Gauntlet Part 1 [Xausea]: This is a fantastic map design with challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Gauntlet Part 2 [Xausea System]: This is a great map design with challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The intercept the Juggernaut task seems to be a little too large. I had to fly out of it and come back in to get it to work. Consider making it smaller.
The Juggernaut [Milky Way - Deadzone]: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Get back into position task seems to be a little too large. I had to fly out of it and come back in to get it to work. Consider making it smaller.
Remembrances Part 1 [Utopia Planitia]: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Remembrances Part 2 [Risa]: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Final words buttons need to be labeled with each NPC name the player is talking to. It looks odd when then are right next to each other and two buttons appear that say "Final words".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 12/13/2015 on forum posting for: Omnitabula.
Title: [DL-4/5] The Last Admrial Author: Gromio Minimum Level: 51+ Faction: Starfleet or Fed-Rom Project ID: ST-HL8K637XS Door: Servin System Beta Quadrant Estimated Length: 60 minutes
Description:
Dark Legacies Part four
The federation has at long last come to an uneasy truce with the klingons, the Undine have at least for now been passified, the Borg have been driven from the Alpha and Beta quadrents...
But the machinantions of evil never sleep. They watch, wait, and pounce.
I think this is still in the review tab.
Why do I still play and put money into STO?
The Foundry, and my love of Star Trek
Title: [DL-4/5] The Last Admrial Author: Gromio Minimum Level: 51+ Faction: Starfleet or Fed-Rom Project ID: ST-HL8K637XS Door: Servin System Beta Quadrant Estimated Length: 60 minutes
Description:
Dark Legacies Part four
The federation has at long last come to an uneasy truce with the klingons, the Undine have at least for now been passified, the Borg have been driven from the Alpha and Beta quadrents...
But the machinantions of evil never sleep. They watch, wait, and pounce.
I think this is still in the review tab.
Hi Zionus0,
Welcome back to the queue. Your mission is currently 4th in the queue behind Solastrius. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
I have currently placed the following reviews on hold in my queue due to apparent unavailability. They are; A Secret Weapon by lordarathron Sorcery of Old by lordarathron
Hopefully they will become available within the next few weeks and I can complete them.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Summary: This mission has a lot of potential to become a great mission. The basic story is a great concept but the execution of that story needs a little work. The map designs, including the use of maps within maps, is really well done. The battles are simple and do not appear to really add anything to the story. You can keep the optional ones but you may want to increase the challenge level of the required one. The story dialogue is well done overall. Despite these issues I would still recommend this mission to other players. Once the author makes the changes needed in this mission it will be even more fun to play.
After researching the subject I found an article on Hodgkin's Law of Parallel Planetary Development. There are some episodes in most of the Star Trek series that support the idea of a parallel Earth, so a reference to a parallel Vulcan would not be far off. However, your reference in the dialogue to "Germany won World War II" is apparently a reference to an ENT episode from the end of season 3 and into season 4. If so, that would be an incorrect analysis as that was caused by temporal interference. The only other one I am aware of is the TOS episode "Patterns of Force" that had a TRIBBLE similarity. This was due to intervention in the societal development by a cultural observer, named John Gill. Therefore it was not a form of parallel development. I would suggest going to the above link and pulling another reference for this purpose. Otherwise it is a good plot twist.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good detailed description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "and what happened to" to read "What happened to".
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial mission task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
MAPS: Astrometrics Lab: This is a good map with well written story dialogue. I liked the use of the map within the map from Astrometrics to the ship. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-This is more of an observation rather than a problem. The use of a single map for both portions is very well done, but the name of the map should probably be something more neutral.
-The Lieutenant T'vhar dialogue, consider changing "mostly unninhabbitable, but a small ban along" to read "mostly uninhabitable, but a small band along".
-Consider changing "We dont know much" to read "We don't know much".
-Consider changing the response button "I willl notify" to read "I will notify".
-The Anthropologist dialogue; consider changing the response button "as valuable to the Republc" to read "as valuable to the Republic".
-The General M'Chev dialogue; consider changing "Q'pla I have made" to read Qapla'. I have made".
-The Admiral T'nae dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]However I want to take advantage of the aadvanced scanning technology on you vessels., so we[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]However, I want to take advantage of the advanced scanning technology on your vessels, we[/OOC]".
-Consider changing the response button "If there is nothing more to addm I will return to my ship" to read "If there is nothing more Admiral, I will return to my ship".
-Consider changing the response button "Q'pla" to read "Qapla'".
Close orbit: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted several items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the ships need to approach the other ships in order to communicate with them. It was tedious and unnecessary.
-The I.K.S Lukura dialogue, consider changing the dialogue label "I.K.S Lukura" to read "I.K.S. Lukura".
-Consider changing "Q'pla [Rank] [LastName]" to read "Qapla' [Rank] [LastName]".
-The U.S.S. LINNAEUS dialogue, consider changing "Jolan Tru, [ShipName] a detailed" to read "Jolan Tru, [ShipName]. A detailed".
-The post Scan the surface of the planet task dialogue, consider changing the response button "Next" to read "Report".
-In that same dialogue you start off with it labeled "Scientists" and then "Bridge", which seemed odd. Consider standardizing the name for those dialogue windows.
-If you plan to use the "I.K.S Lukura" label consider changing the dialogue label to read "I.K.S. Lukura".
-The General M'Chev dialogue, consider changing "You count on our full support" to read "You can count on our full support".
-Consider changing the response button "The Republic is new. we have yet to decide what protocol we should follow" to read "The Republic is new and we have not yet decided how to deal with these situations".
-Consider changing the response button "I conccur" to read "I concur".
-Consider changing the response button "We shall take a small party to explor" to read "We shall take a small party to explore".
-The entire dialogue that starts with "[LastName], this planet may not" needs to be rewritten. The "but" you used before a period is incorrect. Due to that the rest of the dialogue does not read correctly. Consider rewriting the entire dialogue for this window.
-The Admiral T'nae dialogue, consider changing "You wont like what you find down there anyways [[Rank]" to read "You will not like what you find here [Rank]".
-You have dialogue from a Klingon labeled "Bridge Officer" but it appears to be coming from the I.K.S. Lukura. Consider changing the label to read "I.K.S. Lukura".
-Consider changing "Q'pla greenblood" to read "Qapla' green blood".
-Consider changing the response button "Please send me the coordintes" to read "Please send me the coordinates".
Wastelands: The map design is good with simple optional battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Some of the NPC’s do not seem to appear on the map when the player is supposed to be encountering them.
-The story here does seem to feel right. It appears to be a problem with the way the story flows. Specifically, it seems as if the player is obsessed with trying to colonize this planet, which does not make sense, with or without the prime directive.
-The Scout dialogue, consider changing "Sudoc has deads for cycles" to read "Sudoc has been dead for cycles".
-The Anthropologist dialogue, consider changing the response button "Yes, but did'nt that get disproven" to read "Yes, but didn't that get disproven".
-Consider changing the response button, " 'Let's hope we can" to read "Let's hope we can".
City of ShiKahr: This is a good map with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The parallel planetary supposition needs a little refinement. I will discuss it in more detail in the summary above.
-The "Speak with citizens" task is way too much running around on a small map. It became rapidly tedious and boring. Consider consolidating some of the dialogue into fewer encounters with citizens. You can still have the citizens on the map as optional dialogue but they all do not need to be part of the task list.
-The Surak dialogue, consider changing "We want you to to [MissionInfo]speak to our rival[/MissionInfo]" to read "We want you to [MissionInfo]speak to our rival[/MissionInfo]".
-Consider changing "We want you to negotiate a peacy treaty" to read "We want you to negotiate a peace treaty".
Fortress of the warlord: This is a good map design with a simple but fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial spawn point appears to be a couple of meters off the ground. When the player initially spawns they drop a few meters.
-The Warlord dialogue, the dialogue starting with "[OOC]It We come from[/OOC]" is a run on sentence and has several errors. Consider rewriting the entire dialogue.
Ship interior: This map design needs some work. It appears the spawn point is in the wrong place. See the note below. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-When we first spawn we appear to be behind a wall facing the wrong way. I can see shuttles and the Veteran Commander and speak to her but cannot approach her. Check the spawn point.
-Consider changing the task "Speak to Vetran Commander" to read "Speak to Veteran Commander".
-The Veteran Commander dialogue, consider changing "Commander" title to read "Veteran Commander".
-Consider changing "Vetran Commander" title to read "Veteran Commander".
-The map transfer dialogue, consider changing "some primitive sattelites" to read "some primitive satellites".
Low Orbit: This map is good but appears to have been rushed. There are elements that can be added and there is default dialogue as indicated below. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding the floating radiation animation to the vicinity of each satellite.
-The map transfer dialogue needs to be filled in. It has the default entries "Go to Next Map".
Bay of Seleya: This is a good map with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider moving the initial spawn point closer to the initial mission task. It seems to be an unnecessary distance from the task.
-The Warlord dialogue, consider changing the response button that starts with "That is where you are wrong". The sentence cuts off after "follow" which probably means you maxed out the number of characters that can be in a response button.
-The scan location button for the task "Scan temple sanctuary" is set to the default "Interact". Consider changing it to read "Scan sanctuary".
-The Away team dialogue response button cuts off after "Surak is one of". It is unlikely that this is a problem caused by too much dialogue. Most likely it is simply you forgot to type "them".
Sanctuary: This is a good map design with an excellent consolidation to the ship map. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The location button where the player is to set the explosives is set to the default entry "Interact". Consider changing it to read "Set explosives".
-Create a new task to "Detonate explosives" so the player can move away from the blast before detonating it.
-The Subterranean refugee dialogue, add a space in between "Ah I see" and "My name is Tellus".
-Again I like the use of a single map for both portions this mission and it is very well done, but the name of the map should probably be something more neutral.
-The General M’chev dialogue. Your first window title is "KDF General" and the rest are "General M’chev". Consider standardizing them for this dialogue.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did good developing the concept of the story. It will be even better when you update the mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
The final part of Dark Legacies, I'm very happy with how this turned out! Right before university started back up to! I really still can't believe the story is finished...
Description:
This mission takes place after the Iconian war.
Over the course of your career you've had many enemies. Somehow vanquishing all of them. You have risen to become one of the most decorated commanders in the Delta Alliance, your name known in every quarter of the galaxy. But your true foe still lurks in the shadows, waiting to strike.
Called into action after a devastating surprise attack on the Delta Dyson sphere, you must discover the goal of one of the most determined adversaries you've ever faced. It may take every skill you have to stop them.... If you do not... Then you may cause a reign of terror with no end in sight.
Under review tab.
Why do I still play and put money into STO?
The Foundry, and my love of Star Trek
The final part of Dark Legacies, I'm very happy with how this turned out! Right before university started back up to! I really still can't believe the story is finished...
Description:
This mission takes place after the Iconian war.
Over the course of your career you've had many enemies. Somehow vanquishing all of them. You have risen to become one of the most decorated commanders in the Delta Alliance, your name known in every quarter of the galaxy. But your true foe still lurks in the shadows, waiting to strike.
Called into action after a devastating surprise attack on the Delta Dyson sphere, you must discover the goal of one of the most determined adversaries you've ever faced. It may take every skill you have to stop them.... If you do not... Then you may cause a reign of terror with no end in sight.
Under review tab.
Hi Zionus0,
Welcome back to the queue. Your mission is currently 4th in the queue behind your other mission. I will review this mission as soon as I can.
I've just gotten my foundry mission working again after more than a year of it being down. It was originally a single, giant campaign of nearly 3-hours in duration (far too long). I have since broken it up into several smaller episodes for convenience, but still consider it all to be a single story. If you'd be kind enough to give each part a review, I believe it would be a good help in improving both the quality and exposure of the missions.
Mission Names:
Picking Up The Pieces [Part:1]
Picking Up The Pieces [Part:2]
Picking Up The Pieces [Part:3]
Author: Solastrius
Minimum Level: 31+ or above
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID's:
ST-HMJCL5JHK
ST-HATMUG78N
ST-HTGR4TIXI
Mission lengths are estimated at roughly 45 minutes each...
Federation Mission - Picking Up The Pieces [Part:1]
Author: Solastrius
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HMJCL5JHK
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission with excellent map designs, balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players. The story was very intriguing and made me feel as though my actions mattered. I am looking forward to the rest of the story to see where it goes from here.
In the description, grant dialogue and the maps below you will note that I called out the use of Romulan or Romulans in lower case. The use of lower case spelling of these two words is incorrect in the Star Trek universe, including STO. As with other races, including Nausicaan’s, they should be capitalized. There were a few places in the dialogue, when it was a Romulan character that you used uppercase for those races.
One final thing, your use of the response button "Continue" was overdone and needs to be addressed. Since "Continue" is the default for these buttons I recommend using "…" if the player is simply listening to additional dialogue. It looks better than the default, especially in tactical situations. For example, if the tactical officer reports the enemy is off the port bow the response from the player should not be "Continue". Otherwise I felt the story dialogue was well written and I enjoyed it.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is simple but direct. It could use a little more of the story to help draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted one item to consider changing;
-Consider changing "romulan solders" to read "Romulan soldiers".
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is well written. It makes the player feel as if they are becoming part of the story. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "operatives in romulan space" to read "operatives in Romulan space".
-Consider changing "We know the romulans have" to read "We know the Romulans have".
Mission Task: This is a good initial mission task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the initial entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
MAPS: Fitzan Operation Zone: This is a good map design with a balanced optional battle and well written story dialogue. I note one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "several romulan patrols" to read "several Romulan patrols".
Fitzan Science Facility: This is a good map design with balanced battles, good optional battle avoidance and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Agent Lareth dialogue; consider changing "keyed to the romulan-encryption lockouts" to read "keyed to the Romulan-encryption lockouts".
-Consider changing "I'm not the romulan you're looking for" to read "I'm not the Romulan you're looking for".
-Consider changing "it appears the romulans here have been" to read "it appears the Romulans here have been".
-Both security consoles that close the blast doors buttons are labeled "Interact" which the default. Consider changing them to say "Access blast door controls" or something along those lines.
-The antiesthetic gas controls explanation was a little confusing. The combination required to get 100% did not match the examples given. Consider rewriting this portion to be a little more detailed.
-The post Establish Uplink dialogue; consider changing "keyed to the romulan algorithms" to read "keyed to the Romulan algorithms".
-Consider changing "but i'm sure we just triggered" to read "but I'm sure we just triggered".
-Consider changing "I'm detecting a contigent of romulans south of us" to read "I'm detecting a contingent of Romulans south of us".
Fitzan Orbital Launch: This is a good map design with challenging but balance battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "I've got starfleet on hold" to read I've got Starfleet on hold".
-The Admiral Graeme dialogue; consider changing "remnants of the old romulan military" to read "remnants of the old Romulan military".
-The post Stay the Course dialogue with Sanra T’kavo; consider changing "Now I believe i'll take my leave" to read "Now I believe I'll take my leave".
-The Guraht dialogue; consider changing "starfleet pests" to read "Starfleet pests".
Slipstream Distorian: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name "Slipstream Distorian" to read "Slipstream Distortion".
-Consider changing "The romulans must have feared" to read "The Romulans must have feared".
Uncharted Sector: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "our nausicaan friends" to read "our Nausicaan friends".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission. I look forward to continuing the series as soon as I can.
Brian
Wow, thanks a lot for your time. I'll get started on some of these changes right away.
I can't believe I let a typo get past me on a map name. Thanks again!
EDIT:
All of the errors and problems you mentioned above have now been fixed and/or changed as appropriate.
Hopefully, the extra bit of polish will be appreciated by other players. The only thing I couldn't improve based
upon your recommendation was the ventilation-gas puzzle. As for the overuse of the default 'interact' and 'continue' buttons, ...I must thank you very much for bringing this to my attention. For something so easily overlooked, I think it'll make a huge difference to story immersion now that it's been changed up a bit.
I've got one to add to the queue. I've got some positive overall feedback on the KDF version but I'm still very concerned about mission structure, comprehensibility, and how this works now from a FED perspective. Detailed analysis would help quite a lot in deciding if/what I need to revamp.
Violence and diplomacy go tragically hand in hand in this, the finale of the SSF series. Trade is but a prelude to darker dealings that threaten the core of a society and all that one knows and loves. All may not be lost though if some have the courage to act. Join with General V'kan, defend a strange new world, and safe a people from themselves.
Continuity is a long, story focused mission with combat, optional dialog, and optional objectives. Completion of previous missions is not required, but is recommended. (note here: I can provide very brief summary if it would be helpful)
v1.01
Bipedal mammal and senior Foundry author.
Notable missions: Apex [AEI], Gemini [SSF], Trident [AEI], Evolution's Smile [SSF], Transcendence
Looking for something new to play? I've started building Foundry missions again in visual novel form!
Wow, thanks a lot for your time. I'll get started on some of these changes right away.
I can't believe I let a typo get past me on a map name. Thanks again!
EDIT:
All of the errors and problems you mentioned above have now been fixed and/or changed as appropriate.
Hopefully, the extra bit of polish will be appreciated by other players. The only thing I couldn't improve based
upon your recommendation was the ventilation-gas puzzle. As for the overuse of the default 'interact' and 'continue' buttons, ...I must thank you very much for bringing this to my attention. For something so easily overlooked, I think it'll make a huge difference to story immersion now that it's been changed up a bit.
As always I am happy to help where ever I can. I look forward to playing/reviewing your other two missions in the series.
I've got one to add to the queue. I've got some positive overall feedback on the KDF version but I'm still very concerned about mission structure, comprehensibility, and how this works now from a FED perspective. Detailed analysis would help quite a lot in deciding if/what I need to revamp.
Violence and diplomacy go tragically hand in hand in this, the finale of the SSF series. Trade is but a prelude to darker dealings that threaten the core of a society and all that one knows and loves. All may not be lost though if some have the courage to act. Join with General V'kan, defend a strange new world, and safe a people from themselves.
Continuity is a long, story focused mission with combat, optional dialog, and optional objectives. Completion of previous missions is not required, but is recommended. (note here: I can provide very brief summary if it would be helpful)
v1.01
Hi duncanidaho,
Welcome to the queue. Your mission is 5th in the queue behind zionus. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
I've just gotten my foundry mission working again after more than a year of it being down. It was originally a single, giant campaign of nearly 3-hours in duration (far too long). I have since broken it up into several smaller episodes for convenience, but still consider it all to be a single story. If you'd be kind enough to give each part a review, I believe it would be a good help in improving both the quality and exposure of the missions.
Mission Names:
Picking Up The Pieces [Part:1]
Picking Up The Pieces [Part:2]
Picking Up The Pieces [Part:3]
Author: Solastrius
Minimum Level: 31+ or above
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID's:
ST-HMJCL5JHK
ST-HATMUG78N
ST-HTGR4TIXI
Mission lengths are estimated at roughly 45 minutes each...
Federation Mission - Picking Up The Pieces [Part:2]
Author: Solastrius
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HATMUG78N
Report Start
Summary: This is a very well done rescue oriented mission. The map designs are good, the battle, both required and optional, are balanced. The story dialogue is well written and fits into the story very well. I did note a few spelling errors but overall I would definitely recommend this mission to other players.
Below I mentioned the excessive use of the response button "Continue" on every map in the mission. It is a bit of a pet peeve of mine especially if over used. The general use of it occasionally can be ignored but when it is used in dialogue that should have some sort of response from the player it gets annoying. There were a several locations in the dialogue where I felt a better response from the player could have been used. For example on the Mining Outpost 1/2 map when the player was listening to the Outpost Technician the only response was "Continue". In this example the technician was telling the player about all the problems he encountered and the player only responded with "Continue" which felt awkward. Consider replacing that with "…" or appropriate responses to what the NPC is saying.
I also mentioned the use of puzzles and there were a few maps where tasks may have been excessive too. As for the use of puzzles as storytelling points is okay but can be over used. Many players do not like puzzles as they just want to get to the information needed to complete tasks. That is why I suggest putting in "Skip puzzle" buttons. On the Desert Hatchery map the tasks may have been a bit excessive. The player had to tag 7 refugees by running across vast areas of the map, plus the optional battle. That may be a bit much and you should consider reducing the number of refugees that need to be tagged to 5 or less. Both the puzzles and tasks are only suggestions and not necessarily a problem with the mission play.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The mission description is intriguing but needs a little more substance to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Hail'. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is okay but like the description it needs a little more substance. There is nothing in the description nor this grant dialogue that makes the player want to click the 'Accept' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Siftune System Part 1: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The background sound effects appeared to be of a beach. I could hear seagulls in the background and crashing waves. Consider changing the background sound effects to another type in order to remove these sounds.
-The use of the response button "Continue" is excessive. From this point forward I will note the maps where this is a problem and cover it in more detail in the summary above.
Mining Outpost 1/2: This a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue" is excessive.
-Some players love puzzles and others find them tedious. Consider adding a button that allows the player to skip the puzzles.
Mining Outpost 1/2: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue" is excessive.
-The Shift Supervisor dialogue, consider changing "your having worse luck" to read "you're having worse luck".
-In the Shift Supervisor dialogue you should consider linking the dialogue so the window does not close. Consider removing the "Close" and having the player go to another dialogue field that links back to the "I came to help" button from the first dialogue window. More specifically you could continue a separate line of dialogue that leads to the same conclusion as the main line you wrote. Otherwise it is just annoying to have to reopen the same dialogue path to go in the intended direction.
-Consider changing "Verywell" to read "Very well".
-The Shift Supervisor dialogue, consider changing "What few belongings remain us have all been gathered" to read "What few belongings remain have all been gathered".
Siftune System Part 2: This is a good map with balanced, fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue" is excessive.
-The Foreman Bune dialogue, consider changing "i'd be more than happy" to read "I'd be more than happy".
-The Nausicaan pre fighter battle dialogue, consider changing "federation swine" to read "Federation swine".
-The Foreman Bune dialogue, consider changing "your personell carry out" to read "your personnel carry out".
-The location of the evacuation fleet is marked on the map but is limited in the way it shows up on the maps. The location is far below where the player finishes up the satellite repair. Consider adding a beacon at the location of the fleet to make it easier for the player to find them. It would also give the player something to use the scan on in order to find them.
Desert Hatchery: This is a good map design with a tough but fun battle and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue" is excessive.
-This may be a glitch in the Foundry but when completing the tags of the refugees in the caves they beam out and disappear, however the refugee reappears after beam out. You need to ensure they disappear after the tag and beam out, otherwise it just looks odd.
Egg-Hatchery Cave: This is a good map design with balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I like the diplomatic option to resolve the situation with Commander Zurl vice having to fight our way in. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Verywell" to read "Very well".
-The use of the response button "Continue" is excessive.
-The Commander Zurl dialogue, consider changing "I can't believe what i'm hearing" to read "I can't believe what I'm hearing".
-The militant dialogue, consider changing "[OOC]Your officers fills her in[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Your officers fill her in[/OOC]".
-The Rescue Final Refugee dialogue, consider changing "[Rank], i'm receiving a communication" to read "[Rank], I'm receiving a communication".
-The Captain Foss dialogue, consider changing "A number of federation starships" to read "A number of Federation starships".
-Consider changing "even with help from the federation" to read "even with help from the Federation".
-In the sentence that starts with "It’s the nearest" there appears to be a hard return which makes the sentence split between two lines. Consider checking that dialogue to ensure there are no unneeded returns in the dialogue.
-Consider changing the BOFF’s dialogue "lost young siftonian that we found" to read "lost young Siftonian that we found".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and the series. I look forward to playing/reviewing the last mission in the series as well as more of your work in the future.
Brian
Comments
ID: ST-HH36JV7RD
Estimated time: 30 min
Door: T'ong nebula, Beta Quadrant
An attack on an archaeological dig site leaves an entire team of Klingon historians dead. Journey to the planet Kor'Moran to find the killers and discover the secret it holds.
There should have been a "captains log stardate yada yada at the start... Urgg I just lost so much!
The last map there on the Dragon really just exist to introduce a couple minor characters who will be sho3wing up in later missions- being the Republic Soreth and Admiral Shivorn.
The Foundry, and my love of Star Trek
ST-HCCVWZIUU
Parallels [Rom]
Level 50+
Fed (designed as a Romulan mission)
Door is the building in the south of staging area on new Romulus.
Parallels: my second mission for Fed aligned Romulans.
I've just gotten my foundry mission working again after more than a year of it being down. It was originally a single, giant campaign of nearly 3-hours in duration (far too long). I have since broken it up into several smaller episodes for convenience, but still consider it all to be a single story. If you'd be kind enough to give each part a review, I believe it would be a good help in improving both the quality and exposure of the missions.
Mission Names:
Picking Up The Pieces [Part:1]
Picking Up The Pieces [Part:2]
Picking Up The Pieces [Part:3]
Author: Solastrius
Minimum Level: 31+ or above
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID's:
ST-HMJCL5JHK
ST-HATMUG78N
ST-HTGR4TIXI
Mission lengths are estimated at roughly 45 minutes each...
Link to the forum thread:
http://www.arcgames.com/en/forums/startrekonline/#/discussion/1203796/picking-up-the-pieces-re-release-trilogy
Hi Lordarathron,
Sorry for the extremely long delay in getting back to you on this review request. I have been on travel for work and fun so no real time to do anything here. I hope to remedy this at least once a week. So currently your mission is 5th in the queue behind starfarertheta. I look forward to reviewing your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hey Zionus0,
Sorry for the late reply as I mentioned in my other post it has been busy here. I am sorry you lost so much work as I know how much effort can go into making projects. Glad I was able to help and provide you with needed feedback.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi Lincolninspace,
Sorry for the late reply but welcome to the queue. Your mission is currently 6th in the queue behind Lordarathron. I will get your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi Solastrius,
Welcome to the queue. Your missions are currently 7th, 8th and 9th in the queue behind Lincolninspace. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - Trouble in Trimble
Author: zebgodwin
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HB7O8BRKM
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission, which is a bit of a surprise based on your description. If I was not asked to do a mission review and only read the description I may not have played it. I would also create an entry in The Foundry for Star Trek Online - Mission Database located in the forums and on StarBase UGC. After playing the mission I have to say from the map designs, through the battles and into the nearly flawless story dialogue this is a good mission. I would highly recommend this mission to other players who enjoy a good mix of those elements.
I mentioned the tedious nature of your Reman Settlement map that is entered below but wanted to touch on it here in the summary as well. The basic principle that should drive the types of tasks that are not directly related to the story on that map, should be do they add anything to the story? If not then you must consider removing them or making them optional tasks with appropriate responses to move the main dialogue along. An example might be when the worker cannot get a part the player may say I will see what I can do and then the worker answers his questions. When the player talks to the Quartermaster about the part he then tells him to give the worker the parts and stop acting like a child. That is one example and it ends the back and forth. If the player chooses to take on the optional mission tasks he can. Otherwise the player can choose to ignore the optional tasks and move on with completion of the map.
One final note. In case anyone thought in my recent absences I may have forgotten about the use of "Continue" as a default response button, I did not. There were a couple of places where may have used this response a bit excessively but overall it was not that much. I would only caution you on the use of that response in your dialogue.
Below are just a few things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a very basic description with little information. Consider adding more story to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Hail'. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is good dialogue with intriguing information but may not be enough to draw the player in and make them click the 'Accept' button. Consider adding a little more back ground story here or other information that may entice the player into accepting the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
MAPS:
Trimble System: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Freighter Carol Ann: This is a good map design with several challenging battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Reman Settlement: The map design is well done but a little too spread out, with several challenging battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-All of the side tasks, apology, water pump, shuttle parts, etc. appear to be unnecessary to advance the story and make the map tedious. Consider changing all of the unrelated story elements to optional tasks the player does not have to complete in order to finish the map. You can write the dialogue and responses to cover the possibility of the player taking on the optional task. With optional tasks you can have them appear of the player chooses to do them, otherwise they will not be available.
Trimble System: This is a good map design with some tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Pirate Base: This is a good map design with some simple battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Speak with freezing Ferengi dialogue; consider changing "Thos targs were going" to read "Those targs were going".
Pirate Fortress: This is a good map design with several challenging battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Trimble System: This is a good map design with some challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Having the spawn point near the middle of the enemy engagements can be a little annoying from the player's point of view. Consider moving the enemy engagements to start with the lower level enemy just outside the spawn point range, about 15K away. Then the enemy can be progressively more difficult up to the final enemy engagement.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job in developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Mission 1: SFI: The beginning Author: Logitech007
Mission 2: A Secret Weapon Author: lordarathron
Mission 3: The Omnitabula - Awakening Author: starfarertheta
Mission 4: Sorcery of Old Author: lordarathron
Mission 5: Parallels Author: Lincolninspace
Mission 6: Picking Up The Pieces [Part:1] Author: Solastrius
Mission 7: Picking Up The Pieces [Part:2] Author: Solastrius
Mission 8: Picking Up The Pieces [Part:2] Author: Solastrius
If you would like a detailed review of your mission please visit my forum posting "Submit for review" for details on what I need you to submit your mission.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Did you mean "The Omnitabula - Beyond?" since you already reviewed Awakening and Threshold.
(And I just found out that I can't link to specific posts anymore, so I had to link to the post's page instead.
Also, your back!
Thank you. Looking forward to being back.
Brian
Oops. Yes that is what I meant.
Mission 3: The Omnitabula - Beyond Author: starfarertheta
Thanks for authoring and catching the error.
Brian
Federation Mission - SFI: The beginning
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HUZOIRNE9
Report Start
Summary: Overall I would say the mission is a good concept but it does need work on the spelling, syntax and grammar in the story dialogue. There are places in the story were it seems that there may be missing dialogue or it is assumed the player knows something that has not been mentioned previously. You need to review the dialogue to address the issues I have brought up in my review. Most of the battles are pretty well balanced except as noted below. The maps are very well designed and meet the story concept overall. Each of these elements contribute to the mission's playability, taking it from a nice mission to a great mission and series. Despite these issues the player can still enjoy the mission and should provide you with appropriate feedback.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description but may need just a little more story to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is identical to the description, which means you should consider changing this by adding more story. Something that draws the player in and makes them want to click the 'Accept' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good use of the initial mission task. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a very simple use of the entry prompt. Consider adding something to do with the story that will help the player get in the mood for your missions. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
MAPS:
Prison: The map design is good but the story dialogue needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue, consider changing "[MissionInfo]Please pay attention to any thing that is highlighted or blinking[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]Please pay attention to anything that is highlighted or blinking[/MissionInfo]".
-The dialogue with Vice Admiral Stella Whyte, consider changing "We are requiring all Vessels that are close by to meet back at Starfleet Intelligence" to read "We require all vessels in the vicinity to rendezvous here at Starfleet Intelligence".
Unknown Location: The map design is good but the story dialogue needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post Scan the area dialogue, consider changing "That is a few Intelligence vessels in one spot" to read "That is quite a few intelligence vessels in one spot".
-Consider changing "I have not seen anymore than two in one region of space since the Dominion war" to read "I have never seen this many in one location since the Dominion war".
-Consider changing "Vice Admiral Stella Whyte has signed us that as soon as we are within transporter range, we can transport down" to read "Vice Admiral Whyte has signaled us to close to transporter range and beam down as soon as possible".
-Consider changing the response button "Bring us to with transporter range" to read "Bring us within transporter range".
Starfleet Intelligence Complex: This is a great map design but the dialogue needs a lot of work. I noted several items to consider changing:
-The Lt Clark dialogue, consider changing the response button "Follow the way Lt." to read "Lead the way Lt."
-The post Join the Briefing dialogue, consider changing the response button "Has anyone claim responsibility for these attacks" to read "Has anyone claimed responsibility for these attacks".
-Consider changing "But a few minutes before each bombing there were a subspace message to each of these embassies" to read "But a few minutes before the attacks a subspace message was sent to each location".
-Consider adding a quote on both sides of the statement 'We are Ar Risalah and we are here'.
-Both Captain Mansfield and Captain Arnold ask questions but Admiral Whyte only responds to Captain Arnold. Consider having her respond to both Captains.
-Consider changing "Both Admiral Chakotay and Starfleet Intelligence are looking further into this matter" to read "Both Admiral Chakotay and Starfleet Intelligence are investigating these incidents".
-The Vice Admiral Stella Whyte dialogue starting with "In the first attack" does not seem to make sense. The players question on the previous dialogue was "What else can you tell us about this". The follow on dialogue appears to be nonresponsive. It reads as if you changed the dialogue and left something out. Specifically from the player response Vice Admiral Whyte goes into the casualty figures for each attack. Additionally I think the vice admiral would refer to the Klingon and Cardassian people who died as personnel and not groups.
-The dialogue that starts with "The Detapa Council" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "I have spoken to Chancellor J'Mpok" contains two sentences that are run on sentences and need to be rewritten.
-The Commander Snowball dialogue that starts with "Sir, sorry to interrupt" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-The dialogue that starts with "Yes, the Klingon vessel" needs to be changed to two spate sentences with a period after "Yes".
-Consider changing the response button "The Klingons will want blood now for this" to read "The Klingons will want blood for this".
-The Lt Winn dialogue needs to be rewritten to remove the hard returns between "Bomb three" and "Bomb four".
-Additionally Lt Winn mentions "Bomb four" but this is the first time the player has heard of bomb four in the dialogue. There is no explanation of what was bombed. In later dialogue you mention the bombing of the lab as if the player already knew about it. Consider adding dialogue that discusses the fourth bombing with the player asking questions.
-Consider changing the response button "Where did they get all of this materials" to read "Where did they get all of these materials".
-There is no dialogue following the second explosives test. Only after the first bomb test. This seems odd since the second bomb was the one I tested first. Consider adding dialogue that is triggered by each test. Now if the dialogue follows both explosions it may make more sense but I still think you should have triggered dialogue for each blast.
-The commander Zorbane dialogue "you dumb stupid matrix" seems unprofessional since dumb and stupid mean the same thing.
-Several of your consoles, and other objects have buttons labeled "Interact" which is the default button entry. Consider changing each one to match the appropriate operation you expect from the player. For example, "Access console" or "Read padd" etc.
-The Rear Admiral Jeff White dialogue starting with "I was transferred from" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "[OOC]when we were trying to capturing him[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]when we tried capturing him[/OOC]".
-The Rear Admiral Jeff White dialogue starting with "According to some sources" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "[OOC]that wont happen[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]that won't happen[/OOC]"
-Consider changing "[OOC]He's insane and what a better place to have him locked up is at the prisons and not running around the galaxy[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]He's insane and rather than having him run around the galaxy, he needs to be locked away in prison[/OOC]".
-The [OOC] dialogue that starts with "Admiral, we should not" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten. Additionally the statement should read "at face value" vice "as face value".
-The Rear Admiral Jeff White dialogue, consider changing "give him some layaway" to read "give him some leeway".
-Consider changing the map transfer dialogue, "[Rank], we are coming towards the Prison" to read "[Rank], we are approaching the prison".
-Due to the volume of spelling, syntax and grammatical errors will only note maps with these issues and not the specific issue. It will be up to you to review the dialogue on those maps.
Prison: This is a good map design but the story dialogue has spelling, syntax and grammatical errors that need to be reviewed. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are some spelling, syntax and grammar errors in the dialogue. You should consider examining all the dialogue to locate these errors, which include some run on sentences.
-The Rear Admiral Jeff White dialogue starting with "Admiral, I don't" looks like it was intended to be [OOC] dialogue coming from the player. The response button for that dialogue "What did he say" looks like it should be coming from Rear Admiral White.
-Some of your consoles, and other objects have buttons labeled "Interact" which is the default button entry. Consider changing each one to match the appropriate operation you expect from the player. For example, "Access console" or "Read padd" etc.
Player's Brig: This is a good map design but the story dialogue has spelling, syntax and grammatical errors that need to be reviewed. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are some spelling, syntax and grammar errors in the dialogue. You should consider examining all the dialogue to locate these errors, which include some run on sentences.
-Some of the dialogue appears to be disorganized or random. It reads as though there is additional dialogue that you had but did not include in the story. Almost as if you assumed the player knew the information that the dialogue referred to.
Station: This is a good map design, with tough but fun battles. The story dialogue has spelling, syntax and grammatical errors that need to be reviewed. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are some spelling, syntax and grammar errors in the dialogue. You should consider examining all the dialogue to locate these errors, which include some run on sentences.
-Some of the dialogue appears to be disorganized or random.
Station space: This is a good map design with overwhelming battle odds right at the start point. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider spreading the enemy vessels out between the initial spawn point and the system departure point. This would make more sense despite the enemy engagements not being required mission elements. The player could chose to go around them or engage each group while traveling to the exit point.
-Consider changing the map transfer dialogue "Sir, we are coming towards the location" to read "[Rank], we are approaching the Federation facility".
Federation Funeral Facility: This is a good map design but the story dialogue has spelling, syntax and grammatical errors that need to be reviewed. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Several locations in the dialogue you use "Vice Admiral Stella White" vice "Vice Admiral Stella Whyte" as you used at the beginning of the map.
-There are some spelling, syntax and grammar errors in the dialogue. You should consider examining all the dialogue to locate these errors, which include some run on sentences.
-Some of the dialogue appears to be disorganized. Specifically there is no mention of Vice Admiral Whyte's death prior to transferring to this map. Again, it is as if you are assuming the player knows something that was never part of the story dialogue.
Unknown Location: This is a good map design with some fun battles. The story dialogue has spelling, syntax and grammatical errors that need to be reviewed. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are some spelling, syntax and grammar errors in the dialogue. You should consider examining all the dialogue to locate these errors, which include some run on sentences.
-Consider changing "Rear Admiral white" to read "Rear Admiral White".
Federation Council Chamber: The map design here is outstanding. I really like the details you made throughout the chamber. There are a few locations in the dialogue that have spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-There are some spelling, syntax and grammar errors in the President Aennik Okeg dialogue. You should consider examining the dialogue to locate these errors, which include at least one run on sentence.
-Having the player go to each delegate to hear their vote seems to be a useless set of tasks. Consider removing the reference to the player gathering the votes. Each of the delegates from the original tasks should share their opinions and vote. Also consider expanding the President's speech to include more details about the attacks and threats faced by the Federation and its allies. In other words there is room here to expand the story and make it far more interesting.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. This mission is a good concept and can be a great series with a little more work. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 11/29/2015 on forum posting for: SFI: The Beginning By: Logitech007
Federation Mission - Omnitabula: Beyond
Author: starfarertheta
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HI9DF9DXR
Report Start
Summary: This mission is a great one and well worth the time to play. The map designs are outstanding throughout, the battles are tough but fun and your story dialogue is excellent. This is a fine addition to the series. I would highly recommend this mission, as well as the entire series, to all players. You will enjoy them from start to finish.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I like the different options you give the player to use prior to continuing the mission.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
MAPS:
The Unexpected [Xausea System]: This is a great map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post Head to the nebula dialogue; consider changing "confirmed, it is a subspace tear" to read "Confirmed, it is a subspace tear".
-Consider changing "I recommend every ship times so that we are all going at once" to read "I recommend that all ships time it so we are all engaging at once".
-Prior to the Engage Warp Drive task you place a "Move to warp location" task. When I engaged Warp Drive the warp effect was at least 13 to 15 KM away from me. If you add that task you can guarantee the player will be in the right spot when the effect is shown.
-The post Scan Area dialogue; consider changing "the hostile vessels do not notice" to read "the hostile vessels did not notice".
Xausea [Oceanic City]: This is a great map design that is well executed with excellent story dialogue. I liked the "Skip Puzzle" options in your dialogue. I know there are players who like them but I do not always care to complete them in order to play, so it is appreciated. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
The Central Chamber [Xausea]: This is a fantastic map design that is well executed with excellent story dialogue. Again, I liked the "Skip Puzzle" options in your dialogue.
Beyond Time or Place [Unknown]: This is another fantastic map design with well executed story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "It's as if this was an illusion was made for our benefit" to read "It's as if this was an illusion made for our benefit".
Gauntlet Part 1 [Xausea]: This is a fantastic map design with challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Gauntlet Part 2 [Xausea System]: This is a great map design with challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The intercept the Juggernaut task seems to be a little too large. I had to fly out of it and come back in to get it to work. Consider making it smaller.
The Juggernaut [Milky Way - Deadzone]: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Get back into position task seems to be a little too large. I had to fly out of it and come back in to get it to work. Consider making it smaller.
Remembrances Part 1 [Utopia Planitia]: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Remembrances Part 2 [Risa]: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Final words buttons need to be labeled with each NPC name the player is talking to. It looks odd when then are right next to each other and two buttons appear that say "Final words".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 12/13/2015 on forum posting for: Omnitabula.
Title: [DL-4/5] The Last Admrial
Author: Gromio
Minimum Level: 51+
Faction: Starfleet or Fed-Rom
Project ID: ST-HL8K637XS
Door: Servin System Beta Quadrant
Estimated Length: 60 minutes
Description:
Dark Legacies Part four
The federation has at long last come to an uneasy truce with the klingons, the Undine have at least for now been passified, the Borg have been driven from the Alpha and Beta quadrents...
But the machinantions of evil never sleep. They watch, wait, and pounce.
I think this is still in the review tab.
The Foundry, and my love of Star Trek
Hi Zionus0,
Welcome back to the queue. Your mission is currently 4th in the queue behind Solastrius. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
A Secret Weapon by lordarathron
Sorcery of Old by lordarathron
Hopefully they will become available within the next few weeks and I can complete them.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - Parallels
Author: Lincolninspace
Allegiance: Federation (Romulan)
Project ID: ST-HCCVWZIUU
Report Start
Summary: This mission has a lot of potential to become a great mission. The basic story is a great concept but the execution of that story needs a little work. The map designs, including the use of maps within maps, is really well done. The battles are simple and do not appear to really add anything to the story. You can keep the optional ones but you may want to increase the challenge level of the required one. The story dialogue is well done overall. Despite these issues I would still recommend this mission to other players. Once the author makes the changes needed in this mission it will be even more fun to play.
After researching the subject I found an article on Hodgkin's Law of Parallel Planetary Development. There are some episodes in most of the Star Trek series that support the idea of a parallel Earth, so a reference to a parallel Vulcan would not be far off. However, your reference in the dialogue to "Germany won World War II" is apparently a reference to an ENT episode from the end of season 3 and into season 4. If so, that would be an incorrect analysis as that was caused by temporal interference. The only other one I am aware of is the TOS episode "Patterns of Force" that had a TRIBBLE similarity. This was due to intervention in the societal development by a cultural observer, named John Gill. Therefore it was not a form of parallel development. I would suggest going to the above link and pulling another reference for this purpose. Otherwise it is a good plot twist.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good detailed description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "and what happened to" to read "What happened to".
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial mission task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
MAPS:
Astrometrics Lab: This is a good map with well written story dialogue. I liked the use of the map within the map from Astrometrics to the ship. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-This is more of an observation rather than a problem. The use of a single map for both portions is very well done, but the name of the map should probably be something more neutral.
-The Lieutenant T'vhar dialogue, consider changing "mostly unninhabbitable, but a small ban along" to read "mostly uninhabitable, but a small band along".
-Consider changing "We dont know much" to read "We don't know much".
-Consider changing the response button "I willl notify" to read "I will notify".
-The Anthropologist dialogue; consider changing the response button "as valuable to the Republc" to read "as valuable to the Republic".
-The General M'Chev dialogue; consider changing "Q'pla I have made" to read Qapla'. I have made".
-The Admiral T'nae dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]However I want to take advantage of the aadvanced scanning technology on you vessels., so we[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]However, I want to take advantage of the advanced scanning technology on your vessels, we[/OOC]".
-Consider changing the response button "If there is nothing more to addm I will return to my ship" to read "If there is nothing more Admiral, I will return to my ship".
-Consider changing the response button "Q'pla" to read "Qapla'".
Close orbit: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted several items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the ships need to approach the other ships in order to communicate with them. It was tedious and unnecessary.
-The I.K.S Lukura dialogue, consider changing the dialogue label "I.K.S Lukura" to read "I.K.S. Lukura".
-Consider changing "Q'pla [Rank] [LastName]" to read "Qapla' [Rank] [LastName]".
-The U.S.S. LINNAEUS dialogue, consider changing "Jolan Tru, [ShipName] a detailed" to read "Jolan Tru, [ShipName]. A detailed".
-The post Scan the surface of the planet task dialogue, consider changing the response button "Next" to read "Report".
-In that same dialogue you start off with it labeled "Scientists" and then "Bridge", which seemed odd. Consider standardizing the name for those dialogue windows.
-If you plan to use the "I.K.S Lukura" label consider changing the dialogue label to read "I.K.S. Lukura".
-The General M'Chev dialogue, consider changing "You count on our full support" to read "You can count on our full support".
-Consider changing the response button "The Republic is new. we have yet to decide what protocol we should follow" to read "The Republic is new and we have not yet decided how to deal with these situations".
-Consider changing the response button "I conccur" to read "I concur".
-Consider changing the response button "We shall take a small party to explor" to read "We shall take a small party to explore".
-The entire dialogue that starts with "[LastName], this planet may not" needs to be rewritten. The "but" you used before a period is incorrect. Due to that the rest of the dialogue does not read correctly. Consider rewriting the entire dialogue for this window.
-The Admiral T'nae dialogue, consider changing "You wont like what you find down there anyways [[Rank]" to read "You will not like what you find here [Rank]".
-You have dialogue from a Klingon labeled "Bridge Officer" but it appears to be coming from the I.K.S. Lukura. Consider changing the label to read "I.K.S. Lukura".
-Consider changing "Q'pla greenblood" to read "Qapla' green blood".
-Consider changing the response button "Please send me the coordintes" to read "Please send me the coordinates".
Wastelands: The map design is good with simple optional battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Some of the NPC’s do not seem to appear on the map when the player is supposed to be encountering them.
-The story here does seem to feel right. It appears to be a problem with the way the story flows. Specifically, it seems as if the player is obsessed with trying to colonize this planet, which does not make sense, with or without the prime directive.
-The Scout dialogue, consider changing "Sudoc has deads for cycles" to read "Sudoc has been dead for cycles".
-The Anthropologist dialogue, consider changing the response button "Yes, but did'nt that get disproven" to read "Yes, but didn't that get disproven".
-Consider changing the response button, " 'Let's hope we can" to read "Let's hope we can".
City of ShiKahr: This is a good map with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The parallel planetary supposition needs a little refinement. I will discuss it in more detail in the summary above.
-The "Speak with citizens" task is way too much running around on a small map. It became rapidly tedious and boring. Consider consolidating some of the dialogue into fewer encounters with citizens. You can still have the citizens on the map as optional dialogue but they all do not need to be part of the task list.
-The Surak dialogue, consider changing "We want you to to [MissionInfo]speak to our rival[/MissionInfo]" to read "We want you to [MissionInfo]speak to our rival[/MissionInfo]".
-Consider changing "We want you to negotiate a peacy treaty" to read "We want you to negotiate a peace treaty".
Fortress of the warlord: This is a good map design with a simple but fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial spawn point appears to be a couple of meters off the ground. When the player initially spawns they drop a few meters.
-The Warlord dialogue, the dialogue starting with "[OOC]It We come from[/OOC]" is a run on sentence and has several errors. Consider rewriting the entire dialogue.
Ship interior: This map design needs some work. It appears the spawn point is in the wrong place. See the note below. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-When we first spawn we appear to be behind a wall facing the wrong way. I can see shuttles and the Veteran Commander and speak to her but cannot approach her. Check the spawn point.
-Consider changing the task "Speak to Vetran Commander" to read "Speak to Veteran Commander".
-The Veteran Commander dialogue, consider changing "Commander" title to read "Veteran Commander".
-Consider changing "Vetran Commander" title to read "Veteran Commander".
-The map transfer dialogue, consider changing "some primitive sattelites" to read "some primitive satellites".
Low Orbit: This map is good but appears to have been rushed. There are elements that can be added and there is default dialogue as indicated below. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding the floating radiation animation to the vicinity of each satellite.
-The map transfer dialogue needs to be filled in. It has the default entries "Go to Next Map".
Bay of Seleya: This is a good map with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider moving the initial spawn point closer to the initial mission task. It seems to be an unnecessary distance from the task.
-The Warlord dialogue, consider changing the response button that starts with "That is where you are wrong". The sentence cuts off after "follow" which probably means you maxed out the number of characters that can be in a response button.
-The scan location button for the task "Scan temple sanctuary" is set to the default "Interact". Consider changing it to read "Scan sanctuary".
-The Away team dialogue response button cuts off after "Surak is one of". It is unlikely that this is a problem caused by too much dialogue. Most likely it is simply you forgot to type "them".
Sanctuary: This is a good map design with an excellent consolidation to the ship map. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The location button where the player is to set the explosives is set to the default entry "Interact". Consider changing it to read "Set explosives".
-Create a new task to "Detonate explosives" so the player can move away from the blast before detonating it.
-The Subterranean refugee dialogue, add a space in between "Ah I see" and "My name is Tellus".
-Again I like the use of a single map for both portions this mission and it is very well done, but the name of the map should probably be something more neutral.
-The General M’chev dialogue. Your first window title is "KDF General" and the rest are "General M’chev". Consider standardizing them for this dialogue.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did good developing the concept of the story. It will be even better when you update the mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 12/28/2015 on forum posting for: THE LEGACY OF ROMULUS: PARALELLS OFFICIAL THREAD
Title: [DL-5/5] Fires of Vengeance
Author: Gromio
Minimum Level: 57+
Faction: Starfleet or Fed-Rom
Project ID: ST-HUW825NE7
Door: Dyson Sphere Gateway, Beta Quadrant
Estimated Length: 60-90 minutes (depending on optional dialogues)
Description:
This mission takes place after the Iconian war.
Over the course of your career you've had many enemies. Somehow vanquishing all of them. You have risen to become one of the most decorated commanders in the Delta Alliance, your name known in every quarter of the galaxy. But your true foe still lurks in the shadows, waiting to strike.
Called into action after a devastating surprise attack on the Delta Dyson sphere, you must discover the goal of one of the most determined adversaries you've ever faced. It may take every skill you have to stop them.... If you do not... Then you may cause a reign of terror with no end in sight.
Under review tab.
The Foundry, and my love of Star Trek
Hi Zionus0,
Welcome back to the queue. Your mission is currently 4th in the queue behind your other mission.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - Picking Up The Pieces [Part:1]
Author: Solastrius
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HMJCL5JHK
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission with excellent map designs, balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players. The story was very intriguing and made me feel as though my actions mattered. I am looking forward to the rest of the story to see where it goes from here.
In the description, grant dialogue and the maps below you will note that I called out the use of Romulan or Romulans in lower case. The use of lower case spelling of these two words is incorrect in the Star Trek universe, including STO. As with other races, including Nausicaan’s, they should be capitalized. There were a few places in the dialogue, when it was a Romulan character that you used uppercase for those races.
One final thing, your use of the response button "Continue" was overdone and needs to be addressed. Since "Continue" is the default for these buttons I recommend using "…" if the player is simply listening to additional dialogue. It looks better than the default, especially in tactical situations. For example, if the tactical officer reports the enemy is off the port bow the response from the player should not be "Continue". Otherwise I felt the story dialogue was well written and I enjoyed it.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is simple but direct. It could use a little more of the story to help draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted one item to consider changing;
-Consider changing "romulan solders" to read "Romulan soldiers".
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is well written. It makes the player feel as if they are becoming part of the story. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "operatives in romulan space" to read "operatives in Romulan space".
-Consider changing "We know the romulans have" to read "We know the Romulans have".
Mission Task: This is a good initial mission task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the initial entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
MAPS:
Fitzan Operation Zone: This is a good map design with a balanced optional battle and well written story dialogue. I note one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "several romulan patrols" to read "several Romulan patrols".
Fitzan Science Facility: This is a good map design with balanced battles, good optional battle avoidance and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Agent Lareth dialogue; consider changing "keyed to the romulan-encryption lockouts" to read "keyed to the Romulan-encryption lockouts".
-Consider changing "I'm not the romulan you're looking for" to read "I'm not the Romulan you're looking for".
-Consider changing "it appears the romulans here have been" to read "it appears the Romulans here have been".
-Both security consoles that close the blast doors buttons are labeled "Interact" which the default. Consider changing them to say "Access blast door controls" or something along those lines.
-The antiesthetic gas controls explanation was a little confusing. The combination required to get 100% did not match the examples given. Consider rewriting this portion to be a little more detailed.
-The post Establish Uplink dialogue; consider changing "keyed to the romulan algorithms" to read "keyed to the Romulan algorithms".
-Consider changing "but i'm sure we just triggered" to read "but I'm sure we just triggered".
-Consider changing "I'm detecting a contigent of romulans south of us" to read "I'm detecting a contingent of Romulans south of us".
Fitzan Orbital Launch: This is a good map design with challenging but balance battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "I've got starfleet on hold" to read I've got Starfleet on hold".
-The Admiral Graeme dialogue; consider changing "remnants of the old romulan military" to read "remnants of the old Romulan military".
-The post Stay the Course dialogue with Sanra T’kavo; consider changing "Now I believe i'll take my leave" to read "Now I believe I'll take my leave".
-The Guraht dialogue; consider changing "starfleet pests" to read "Starfleet pests".
Slipstream Distorian: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name "Slipstream Distorian" to read "Slipstream Distortion".
-Consider changing "The romulans must have feared" to read "The Romulans must have feared".
Uncharted Sector: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "our nausicaan friends" to read "our Nausicaan friends".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission. I look forward to continuing the series as soon as I can.
Brian
This critique report also filed 01/17/2016 on forum posting for: Picking Up The Pieces: Re-Release Trilogy
I can't believe I let a typo get past me on a map name. Thanks again!
EDIT:
All of the errors and problems you mentioned above have now been fixed and/or changed as appropriate.
Hopefully, the extra bit of polish will be appreciated by other players. The only thing I couldn't improve based
upon your recommendation was the ventilation-gas puzzle. As for the overuse of the default 'interact' and 'continue' buttons, ...I must thank you very much for bringing this to my attention. For something so easily overlooked, I think it'll make a huge difference to story immersion now that it's been changed up a bit.
Title: Continuity [FED]
Author: Gorogonops
Minimum Level: 31+
Faction: FED
Project ID: ST-HD9U5NXYP
Door: Boreth System
Estimated Length: ~60-90min
In review tab
Description:
Violence and diplomacy go tragically hand in hand in this, the finale of the SSF series. Trade is but a prelude to darker dealings that threaten the core of a society and all that one knows and loves. All may not be lost though if some have the courage to act. Join with General V'kan, defend a strange new world, and safe a people from themselves.
Continuity is a long, story focused mission with combat, optional dialog, and optional objectives. Completion of previous missions is not required, but is recommended. (note here: I can provide very brief summary if it would be helpful)
v1.01
Notable missions: Apex [AEI], Gemini [SSF], Trident [AEI], Evolution's Smile [SSF], Transcendence
Looking for something new to play? I've started building Foundry missions again in visual novel form!
As always I am happy to help where ever I can. I look forward to playing/reviewing your other two missions in the series.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi duncanidaho,
Welcome to the queue. Your mission is 5th in the queue behind zionus. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Thank you for authoring,
Brian
The Foundry, and my love of Star Trek
Hi Zionus0,
I will hold your place in the queue for this mission. Please send me the specifics about the mission so I can officially add it to my queue.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - Picking Up The Pieces [Part:2]
Author: Solastrius
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HATMUG78N
Report Start
Summary: This is a very well done rescue oriented mission. The map designs are good, the battle, both required and optional, are balanced. The story dialogue is well written and fits into the story very well. I did note a few spelling errors but overall I would definitely recommend this mission to other players.
Below I mentioned the excessive use of the response button "Continue" on every map in the mission. It is a bit of a pet peeve of mine especially if over used. The general use of it occasionally can be ignored but when it is used in dialogue that should have some sort of response from the player it gets annoying. There were a several locations in the dialogue where I felt a better response from the player could have been used. For example on the Mining Outpost 1/2 map when the player was listening to the Outpost Technician the only response was "Continue". In this example the technician was telling the player about all the problems he encountered and the player only responded with "Continue" which felt awkward. Consider replacing that with "…" or appropriate responses to what the NPC is saying.
I also mentioned the use of puzzles and there were a few maps where tasks may have been excessive too. As for the use of puzzles as storytelling points is okay but can be over used. Many players do not like puzzles as they just want to get to the information needed to complete tasks. That is why I suggest putting in "Skip puzzle" buttons. On the Desert Hatchery map the tasks may have been a bit excessive. The player had to tag 7 refugees by running across vast areas of the map, plus the optional battle. That may be a bit much and you should consider reducing the number of refugees that need to be tagged to 5 or less. Both the puzzles and tasks are only suggestions and not necessarily a problem with the mission play.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The mission description is intriguing but needs a little more substance to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Hail'. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is okay but like the description it needs a little more substance. There is nothing in the description nor this grant dialogue that makes the player want to click the 'Accept' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Siftune System Part 1: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The background sound effects appeared to be of a beach. I could hear seagulls in the background and crashing waves. Consider changing the background sound effects to another type in order to remove these sounds.
-The use of the response button "Continue" is excessive. From this point forward I will note the maps where this is a problem and cover it in more detail in the summary above.
Mining Outpost 1/2: This a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue" is excessive.
-Some players love puzzles and others find them tedious. Consider adding a button that allows the player to skip the puzzles.
Mining Outpost 1/2: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue" is excessive.
-The Shift Supervisor dialogue, consider changing "your having worse luck" to read "you're having worse luck".
-In the Shift Supervisor dialogue you should consider linking the dialogue so the window does not close. Consider removing the "Close" and having the player go to another dialogue field that links back to the "I came to help" button from the first dialogue window. More specifically you could continue a separate line of dialogue that leads to the same conclusion as the main line you wrote. Otherwise it is just annoying to have to reopen the same dialogue path to go in the intended direction.
-Consider changing "Verywell" to read "Very well".
-The Shift Supervisor dialogue, consider changing "What few belongings remain us have all been gathered" to read "What few belongings remain have all been gathered".
Siftune System Part 2: This is a good map with balanced, fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue" is excessive.
-The Foreman Bune dialogue, consider changing "i'd be more than happy" to read "I'd be more than happy".
-The Nausicaan pre fighter battle dialogue, consider changing "federation swine" to read "Federation swine".
-The Foreman Bune dialogue, consider changing "your personell carry out" to read "your personnel carry out".
-The location of the evacuation fleet is marked on the map but is limited in the way it shows up on the maps. The location is far below where the player finishes up the satellite repair. Consider adding a beacon at the location of the fleet to make it easier for the player to find them. It would also give the player something to use the scan on in order to find them.
Desert Hatchery: This is a good map design with a tough but fun battle and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue" is excessive.
-This may be a glitch in the Foundry but when completing the tags of the refugees in the caves they beam out and disappear, however the refugee reappears after beam out. You need to ensure they disappear after the tag and beam out, otherwise it just looks odd.
Egg-Hatchery Cave: This is a good map design with balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I like the diplomatic option to resolve the situation with Commander Zurl vice having to fight our way in. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Verywell" to read "Very well".
-The use of the response button "Continue" is excessive.
-The Commander Zurl dialogue, consider changing "I can't believe what i'm hearing" to read "I can't believe what I'm hearing".
-The militant dialogue, consider changing "[OOC]Your officers fills her in[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Your officers fill her in[/OOC]".
-The Rescue Final Refugee dialogue, consider changing "[Rank], i'm receiving a communication" to read "[Rank], I'm receiving a communication".
-The Captain Foss dialogue, consider changing "A number of federation starships" to read "A number of Federation starships".
-Consider changing "even with help from the federation" to read "even with help from the Federation".
-In the sentence that starts with "It’s the nearest" there appears to be a hard return which makes the sentence split between two lines. Consider checking that dialogue to ensure there are no unneeded returns in the dialogue.
-Consider changing the BOFF’s dialogue "lost young siftonian that we found" to read "lost young Siftonian that we found".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and the series. I look forward to playing/reviewing the last mission in the series as well as more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 02/05/2016 on forum posting for: Picking Up The Pieces: Re-Release Trilogy.