Details
Name: A Personal Favour
Author: nikkojt
Minimum Level: 31+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HAOH6LCA6
Estimated mission length: Not sure, would place at...maybe 10 minutes?
Thanks.
Federation Mission - A Personal Favour
Author: nikkojt
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HAOH6LCA6
Report Start
Summary: This is a nice, straightforward mission with fun battles and short but well written story dialogue. The overall story feels incomplete but I would still recommend this mission to other players for the story that is there and the battles.
This is a minor issue but a larger plot issue. As I mention below Andoria being the moon referred to in the dialogue is not a moon of Andoria but the planet itself. Please correct me if I am wrong but I believe my suggested correction is valid. The STO story and that of Star Trek series all refer to the moon of the system as being Andoria. To fix this issue you could move the spawn point closer to the other moon in the system or indicate that it is a remote location on Andoria where the True Way has set up base camp.
The other issue is the absence of story dialogue to move the mission forward. It is okay to have a straightforward combat mission with little to no story but as a prelude to your upcoming mission "Lonesome Heart" you should add more dialogue that leads to that mission. For the most part the dialogue was okay for the mission itself but on the True Way Encampment map I mention the response of Captain Jhahl to the players question regarding the uniform. I understand if this is intended as a teaser for the upcoming episode but as I mentioned below it feels awkward. It really did not seem to go anywhere and as currently written detracts from the mission. Consider either adding more to the dialogue or remove it from the mission.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description needs a little more story to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "the recovery mission" to read "the rescue mission" The word "recovery" makes it sound like the NPC is already dead.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "shenanigans" to read "for assistance". While I have heard the use of the word "shenanigans" before I do not think it would be used by Andorian security let alone a Starfleet attache.
Mission Task: Consider adding the start location of the first custom map to the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The entry prompt button is exactly the same as the actual entry into the Andorian system. Consider changing it to something that is more in line with the entry dialogue. As it is currently written it really does not match the entry dialogue and the player may spend time entering the actual system rather than your mission.
MAPS: Andoria System: This is a nice map design with some fun battles and short but well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-This is a story point. The Commander Esva dialogue says "We have traced Captain Jhahl's combadge to the far moon of Andoria" but the moon the enemy are orbiting is Andoria.
-Consider adding some story dialogue following the enemy engagements. It is odd that there is no discussion among the BOFFs and the player regarding the presence of True Way ships.
True Way Encampment: This is a nice map design with some fun battles and one challenging battle. The story dialogue needs some work by adding more to it. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding some initial dialogue regarding the location of Captain Jhahl and the enemy between her and the player.
-I refer back to my previous map comment regarding this being Andoria.
-Consider adding a respawn point closer to Captain Jhahl's location.
-The Captain Jhahl response to the question from the player about the uniform seems awkward without the player having the ability to press for an answer. If there is no answer than remove the option for the player to ask the question.
Andoria System #2: This is a nice map design with fun battles and short but well written staory dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Vulcan System: This is a nice map with well written story dialogue and serves to wrap up the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The dialogue with Captain Fetzi seems unnecessary to the story. Neither response really leads anywhere. Consider changing it to be an initial arrival report from a BOFF and an indicator of the location of the USS Chaos Theory.
-Consider adding more dialogue and perhaps an interaction for transfer of Captain Jhahl to the USS Chaos Theory. I mention this because that is ostensibly the purpose of our rendezvous with the Admiral.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did well and demonstrated a basic understanding of how to work within the confines of the Foundry. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This is a minor issue but a larger plot issue. As I mention below Andoria being the moon referred to in the dialogue is not a moon of Andoria but the planet itself. Please correct me if I am wrong but I believe my suggested correction is valid. The STO story and that of Star Trek series all refer to the moon of the system as being Andoria. To fix this issue you could move the spawn point closer to the other moon in the system or indicate that it is a remote location on Andoria where the True Way has set up base camp.
This is something I thought of some time after building the mission, but decided not to touch it pre-review in case I had got it right the first time. Since I was wrong, I'll update it to refer to "the other moon of Andoria's gas giant", and move things around to the right place.
The other issue is the absence of story dialogue to move the mission forward. It is okay to have a straightforward combat mission with little to no story but as a prelude to your upcoming mission "Lonesome Heart" you should add more dialogue that leads to that mission. For the most part the dialogue was okay for the mission itself but on the True Way Encampment map I mention the response of Captain Jhahl to the players question regarding the uniform. I understand if this is intended as a teaser for the upcoming episode but as I mentioned below it feels awkward. It really did not seem to go anywhere and as currently written detracts from the mission. Consider either adding more to the dialogue or remove it from the mission.
I wrote the question about the uniform before discovering the ability to costume contacts (I had to use an Engineering Ensign preset for Captain Jhahl). When I did discover it, I rewrote the answer to imply...things - a bit of a joke. If you think it's out of place, I'll just remove it as it's not particularly important.
Mission Description: The description needs a little more story to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "the recovery mission" to read "the rescue mission" The word "recovery" makes it sound like the NPC is already dead.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "shenanigans" to read "for assistance". While I have heard the use of the word "shenanigans" before I do not think it would be used by Andorian security let alone a Starfleet attache.
Mission Task: Consider adding the start location of the first custom map to the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The entry prompt button is exactly the same as the actual entry into the Andorian system. Consider changing it to something that is more in line with the entry dialogue. As it is currently written it really does not match the entry dialogue and the player may spend time entering the actual system rather than your mission.
- Added more to the hail dialogue. I'm not sure how much more I can safely add since there's not a lot of story and I don't want to spoil it.
- Fixed "calling shenanigans". I intended it to be a little bit of dry humour on Commander Vehhl's part, but since it's inappropriate I've reworded.
- Mission task already notes the starting point. I added this in response to similar feedback from ashkrik; it's possible you played before the change went live.
- Fixed system entry button.
MAPS: Andoria System: This is a nice map design with some fun battles and short but well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-This is a story point. The Commander Esva dialogue says "We have traced Captain Jhahl's combadge to the far moon of Andoria" but the moon the enemy are orbiting is Andoria.
-Consider adding some story dialogue following the enemy engagements. It is odd that there is no discussion among the BOFFs and the player regarding the presence of True Way ships.
As mentioned above I am fixing the whole Andoria vs moons debacle. I will add some dialogue about the True Way's presence.
True Way Encampment: This is a nice map design with some fun battles and one challenging battle. The story dialogue needs some work by adding more to it. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding some initial dialogue regarding the location of Captain Jhahl and the enemy between her and the player.
-I refer back to my previous map comment regarding this being Andoria.
-Consider adding a respawn point closer to Captain Jhahl's location.
-The Captain Jhahl response to the question from the player about the uniform seems awkward without the player having the ability to press for an answer. If there is no answer than remove the option for the player to ask the question.
Will fix as appropriate.
Vulcan System: This is a nice map with well written story dialogue and serves to wrap up the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The dialogue with Captain Fetzi seems unnecessary to the story. Neither response really leads anywhere. Consider changing it to be an initial arrival report from a BOFF and an indicator of the location of the USS Chaos Theory.
-Consider adding more dialogue and perhaps an interaction for transfer of Captain Jhahl to the USS Chaos Theory. I mention this because that is ostensibly the purpose of our rendezvous with the Admiral.
Captain Fetzi's dialogue was intended to appear when encountering her ship as an optional easter egg found elsewhere in the system. I forgot to add the trigger making it only visible when near her ship, and have now fixed it. Thanks for pointing it out!
(It's worth noting that there are a couple of these things on other maps; if you find yourself bored of an evening, feel free to try and find them!)
I will add a bit more stuff with the USS Chaos Theory.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did well and demonstrated a basic understanding of how to work within the confines of the Foundry. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Thanks again for the review and feedback! After fixing the issues you found I will start rounding off production on "Lonesome Heart", for release...well, next week probably. I'd be honoured if you could review that too when it's ready.
I am NikkoJT, Foundry author and terrible player. Follow me!
There used to be a picture here, but they changed signatures and I can't be bothered to replace it.
Thanks again for the review and feedback! After fixing the issues you found I will start rounding off production on "Lonesome Heart", for release...well, next week probably. I'd be honoured if you could review that too when it's ready.
As always I am glad I could help. Keep moving forward with the development of your stories, you're doing good. Keep it up.
Hello Evil70th, I am back to get an detailed mission review from you.
Thank you so much in advance for it.
thanks
Logitech007
Mission Name: The Unexpected Returns Part One
Author: Logitech007
Minimum Level: 16+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HBSU3YYKC
Estimated Mission Length: 45- 1hour---give or take
Thanks again.
Logitech007
Federation Mission - The Unexpected Returns Part One
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HBSU3YYKC
Report Start
Summary: This is a nice mission with some fun battles and extensive but well written story dialogue. There are several issues below that are mostly related to spelling, punctuation, grammar and capitulation. Despite these issues I would still recommend this mission to other players who like a heavy dialogue oriented missions with some fun battles thrown in where appropriate.
Below I mention misspelled or improper use of the words. I went to this method of calling out the errors following the "Starbase 375 Deck Two" map where I found several spelling or improper use of words in the dialogue. In dialogue heave missions misspelling or improper use of a word is a distraction to the story and can either make or break the mission. Using word processors like Microsoft Word or other programs help with dialogue by reducing spelling and grammatical errors in the written story. A few months ago I posted a script sample that use to write my missions. It really helps and I highly recommend its use. At a minimum the word processor will help with written dialogue. There were also several locations where you used a lower case "i" vice "I" when referring to the individual. You should go through all your dialogue carefully to make sure you catch all the errors.
Another issue I mention below is the random capitalization of words. Some examples are; Battleship, Aliens, Quantum, Phaser, and Torpedo. Now this is only a partial listing but the general rule of thumb to use would be if it is not a proper name then it does not need to be capitalized. So if you have a sentence where you refer to a class of ship like the battleship it would be lower case. If you refer to a specific race type of ship like the Tzenkethi Battleship then it may be capitalized. You can keep it lowercase so it may be the Tzenkethi battleship. Eitherway will work. The weapon system phaser or torpedo would not need to be capitalized at anytime. When using rank structures such as captain or admiral they are usually lower case. If referring to a specific person such as Captain Webster or Admiral Quinn then it would be capitalized. Regardless of which way you chose to go it should be consistent throughout the mission.
Below are several things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is well written from a story perspective. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "After repairing your vessel at Utopia after the Fvain conflicts" to read "After repairing your vessel at Utopia following the Fvain conflicts".
-Consider changing "two unexpected returns" to read "two unexpected return".
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is the same dialogue from the description. Consider rewriting this dialogue to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "AAfter repairing your vessel at Utopia after the Fvain conflicts" to read "After repairing your vessel at Utopia following the Fvain conflicts".
-Consider changing "two unexpected returns" to read "two unexpected return".
Mission Task: Consider adding the start location of the mission to the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: U.S.S. Hood Deck One: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "and will be brought to justice for his crimes" to read "and he will be brought to justice for his crimes".
-Consider making Ensign Junior required dialogue or remove it from the second Admiral dialogue. It was not required and seemed odd when she brought it up.
Mec system: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Captain Tabora dialogue; sentence starting with "Yes, both the" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-The Captain Tabora dialogue; consider changing "three more signatures in the derbie field" to read "three more signatures in the debris field".
-Consider removing the continuous use of "[Rank]" in almost every dialogue. The initial use of it when a BOFF or other NPC starts a conversation with the player is okay but not as often as it is used.
-The post "Scan the vessel" dialogue; consider changing the response button "Let's Move on" to read "Let's move on"
-The post "Scan the vessel" dialogue is repetitive.
U.S.S. Yoga Bridge: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The science console where the player downloads the complete list of information is sitting above the deck.
-Consider changing "Our early reading lead us" to read "Our early readings lead us".
-Consider changing "the hull markings and color does not match to the" to read "the hull markings and color do not match to the". This would apply to the report for all three types of ships.
-Consider changing "Ok Thank you,[Rank]" to read "Ok, thank you, [Rank]".
-Check the capitalizations of words. You have words that appear to be randomly capitalized, i.e. Battleship, Cruiser, Quantum, and Torpedo. These are a few examples and do not cover all words that appear to be randomly capitalized.
-The map transfer dialogue appears to be coming from my shipboard science BOFF but appears to be coming from the away team. Consider changing "Are we ready to beam back" to read "We have a lock on the away team".
Mec system: This is a nice map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "Our full weapons arrays and banks are standing to fire on your command" to read "All weapons ready to fire on your command".
Starbase 375 Deck Two: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a several items to consider changing:
-The Admiral dialogue; consider changing the response button "That would work. Where are there" to read "Thank you Admiral. Where are they".
The Kris Mento dialogue; consider changing "It's a sad poor shame that you couldn't capture me" to read "It's a shame that you couldn't capture me".
-The Ambassador S'Tcaevra Tela dialogue; consider changing "It is finally a please to be off New Romulus for this meeting with your Admiral" to read "It is a pleasure to be here for the meeting with your Admiral.
-Consider changing "What can i do for you" to read "What can I do for you",
-During the player dialogue with Ambassador S'Tcaevra Tela the sentence starting with "My ship and two more" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "The results show several vessels" to read "The results show the vessels".
-Consider changing "i see" to read "I see".
-Consider removing the continuous use of "[Rank]" in almost every dialogue.
-Consider changing "[Rank], i have no idea on how" to read "[Rank], I have no idea how".
-Consider changing "I have to go and finish" to read "I have to finish".
Consider changing "[Rank] and i do hope you can find" to read "[Rank] and I hope you find".
-The Ambassador K'Mtok dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], there are going as i suspected" to read "[Rank], it is going as I expected".
-Consider changing "What can i do for you" to read "What can I do for you". From this point forward I am going to note the maps where "I" is not capitalized correctly. There are several more dialogue fields on this map with this issue.
-During the player dialogue with Ambassador K'Mtok the sentence starting with "My ship and two more" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-Check the capitalizations of words, i.e. Aliens,
-Consider changing "you have got proof before accuing the Klingon Empire of givcing the Aliens their designs" to read "you have got proof before accusing the Klingon Empire of giving the aliens their designs".
-The Kris Mento dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] [Rank] [Rank]" to read "[Rank], [Rank], [Rank]".
-Consider changing "try and trace this" to read "try to trace this".
-Consider changing "its a waste of time" to read "it's a waste of time".
-Consider changing the response button "that you have had" to read "that you have".
-Consider changing "it used to be runned by the Zakdorn" to read "The facility was managed by the Zakdorn".
-Consider changing "One more thing, noone has seen these new Aliens that run the Depot" to read "One more thing, no one has seen these new aliens that run the depot"
-Consider removing the sentence "The Federation has no idea who is running it now". It seems redundant when you have the sentence listed in the comment above this one.
-Consider changing "until one of the other Ambassador's had told me" to read "until one of the other Ambassador's told me"
-Consider changing "Kris Mento told me that we will have to do is to send out a transmission into subspace and just wait" to read "Kris Mento said all we need to do is send a transmission into subspace and then wait".
-Consider changing the response button "Understand" to read "Understood".
-Due to the volume of spelling, syntax and grammatical errors will only note maps with these issues and not the specific issue. It will be up to you to review the dialogue on those maps.
Surplus Depot Z15: This is a nice map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The "Send out a subspace transmission" trigger; consider changing it to an invisible object of at least 500ft to act as the trigger. Then it will not be visible on the screen.
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "edviance" to read "evidence".
-Consider removing the continuous use of "[Rank]" in almost every dialogue.
-Check dialogue for the use of "i" vice "I" incorrectly.
-The Admiral Mirren Sola dialogue; consider changing the word "inform" to read "informed".
-The Admiral Mirren Sola sentence starting with "I have sent the location" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "[Rank], Unofficially" to read "[Rank], unofficially".
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "Section 31is" to read "Section 31 is".
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "stsyem" to read "system".
Unknown Classified system: This is a nice map with well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
41261: This is a good map design of the penal colony with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-On the "Surplus Depot Z15" map Admiral Mirren Sola indicated "the penal colony is at a secret location, only a handful of Admiral's know". When the player arrives we find dead Hirogen as well as Klingon, Romulan, and living Hirogen, which contradicted the previous dialogue.
-On the "Surplus Depot Z15" map Admiral Mirren Sola indicated "Yes, but the inmate will only talk to you". On the penal colony there is no dialogue related to finding the inmate who would only talk to the player. The player searches the facility and eventually finds the Section 31 personnel torturing an inmate to get him to talk. You should consider rewriting this map to remove all references to the torture and have the player find the inmate indicated on the "Surplus Depot Z15" map. The inmate would then provide the information only to the player.
-Consider removing the continuous use of "[Rank]" in almost every dialogue.
-Check dialogue for the use of "i" vice "I" incorrectly.
-Consider moving the weapons lockers next to each force field control console. It does not make any sense to go inside the force field to lock up the weapons.
-Consider changing the response button "No Thanks you" to read "No thank you".
-In the second area with section 31 the fog appears to serve no purpose to the story.
-The Section 31 agent dialogue; consider changing "sting" to read "string".
-Check the capitalizations of words, i.e. Killed and More.
Planet's Surface: This is a good map design and I liked the facility design. There is one low level optional battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "transporter enhancers" to read "transporter inhibitors".
-Consider checking all dialogue for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. For example "It's a good on how he set this up".
-Consider removing the continuous use of "[Rank]" in almost every dialogue.
-The Science Officer sentence starting with "Most people would not scan" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider adding a foundation under the facility. It looks odd just sitting there in the air.
-Check the capitalizations of words, i.e. Alien and Phaser.
-Consider changing the following response button misspelled or improper use of the word; "Your right" to read "You're right". In the context you are using it this would be the proper spelling.
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "even if its" to read "even if it's".
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "THANK ABOUT IT" to read "THINK ABOUT IT".
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "that good of a bluff in poker" to read "that good at bluffing in poker".
-Consider changing the following response button misspelled or improper use of the word; "Yes I have and I have you to thanks for that" to read "Yes and I have you to thank for that".
-Check for proper capitalization of words in the dialogue and response buttons, i.e. ok.
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "these two evens are not connected" to read "these two events are not connected".
Vesper system: This is a good map with several fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "[Rank], Glad that you made it" to read "[Rank], glad that you made it".
Tzenkethi Battleship: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the multiple attempts to access a console with repetitive dialogue and add some information that the player is able to get from each console. Also consider reducing the number of consoles the player must attempt.
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "watch and prey" to read "watch and pray".
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "evasive maneuvers patter omega" to read "evasive maneuvers, pattern omega".
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "The [ShipName] losing there dorsal shields" to read "The [ShipName] is losing dorsal shields".
-Check for proper capitalization of words in the dialogue and response buttons, i.e. Defensive, Epsilon.
-There is a carriage return between "decks twelve through seventeen" and "Sections four through ten". Consider replacing the carriage return with a coma.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing the mission and with a few fixes in the dialogue here and there you will make it a great mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Hey Evil70th, thank you once again for taking your time to review part 1 of my series. I hope you enjoyed it and the look of the species.
I went through the mission and your key points and found that I had changed about 65 percent of it before you reviewed it but missed the rest of it. But I did make the changes that you had pointed out and some I keep but once again thank you for taking your time.
I did use Microsoft word for part 2 so the spelling and grammar issues would be as bad i'm hoping.
You had said you had posted a script sample, I can not find it, tho, would love to look at it.
Hello! I'm back a bit earlier than I thought - I was able to complete testing on Lonesome Heart sooner than expected, so I'd like to submit it for your review.
This one is longer and more complex than A Personal Favour, with some more interesting stuff happening. I just hope I managed to keep the story straight...
I am NikkoJT, Foundry author and terrible player. Follow me!
There used to be a picture here, but they changed signatures and I can't be bothered to replace it.
Hey Evil70th, thank you once again for taking your time to review part 1 of my series. I hope you enjoyed it and the look of the species.
I went through the mission and your key points and found that I had changed about 65 percent of it before you reviewed it but missed the rest of it. But I did make the changes that you had pointed out and some I keep but once again thank you for taking your time.
I did use Microsoft word for part 2 so the spelling and grammar issues would be as bad i'm hoping.
You had said you had posted a script sample, I can not find it, tho, would love to look at it.
So im hoping part 2 is not too bad for you.
Thanks again.
Logitech007
Hi Logitech007,
As always I am glad I could help. Below is the script template I use to create my missions.
Script Sample
Mission Title:
Project ID:
Allegiance:
Level: 16+
Description:[Rank] [LastName], (STORY SUMMARY)
[OOC] Authors Notes:
Heavy dialog with some combat.
Estimate length;
minutes with full dialog.
with "Skip Dialog".[/OOC]
Cast: NPC names
Grant Mission Dialog:This is an example.
Map Name:
Map Transfer:
Map Text: NPC:
Button:
Mission Task:Interact
NPC:
Response:
NPC:
Response:
Mission Task:Interact
NPC:
Response:
NPC:
Response:
Optional Response: I would like to move on please. (Skip Dialog)
NPC Optional Response:
Response: Got it. Thanks...
Reach Marker:You have arrived
NPC:
Response:
Mission Task:Interact
NPC:
Response:
Map Name:
Map Transfer:
Map Text: NPC:
Button:
Mission Task:Interact:
NPC:
Response:
Mission Task: Engage Enemy 1/3
Engage Enemy 2/3
Engage Enemy 3/3
End Sample
The NPC listed above can be any NPC you create. To keep track of BOFFs I usually label them Science Officer (Away Team) or (Ship). Tactical Officer (Away Team) or (Ship), and Engineering Officer (Away Team) or (Ship). That way I always know which one it should be. Of course you cannot control who the player assigns to their away teams and in those cases it may default to another BOFF other than who you intended. For example if they have an away team comprised of all Tactical BOFFs and you have dialogue coming from a Science BOFF it may look odd to them. At that point it is the players issue and not yours.
Now this is just a sample of how I write scripts for my missions. The sample can be copied, pasted and formatted for Word. I feel writing a script helps the author keep track of the story, tasks within the story, NPC along with their roles, and of course spelling and basic grammar. There are a number of ways to do it and this sample does not show the way I create and track multiple response dialogue. That would be more in depth and perhaps for another day.
Hello! I'm back a bit earlier than I thought - I was able to complete testing on Lonesome Heart sooner than expected, so I'd like to submit it for your review.
This one is longer and more complex than A Personal Favour, with some more interesting stuff happening. I just hope I managed to keep the story straight...
Got a "new" mission for you (it's been in the pipeline for far too long)
Fed
The Improbable Bulk
ST-HKFZXUY5N
Hi Zorbane,
Welcome back to the queue. It has been a while. Your mission is 11th in the queue behind nikkojt. I am making progress on the mission queue and will get to your as soon as I can.
Hello Evil70th, I am back to get an detailed mission review from you for part two.
Thank you so much in advance for it.
thanks
Logitech007
Mission Name: The Unexpected Returns Part Two
Author: Logitech007
Minimum Level: 16+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HCHMV3CNC
Estimated Mission Length: 30- 45min---give or take
Thanks again.
Logitech007
Federation Mission - The Unexpected Returns Part Two
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HCHMV3CNC
Report Start
Summary: This is a nice mission with some fun battles and detailed story dialogue. There are several issues below that are mostly related to spelling, punctuation, grammar and capitalization. Despite these issues I would still recommend this mission to other players who like a heavy dialogue oriented missions with some fun battles to break up the story.
In my previous report I mentioned ways to address issues like the ones listed below. I will not repeat those recommendations in this report.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is okay but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider combining and changing the first two sentences to read "Following a 50 year absence the Tzenkethi are back with disastrous consequences".
-Consider deleting "You and your team will soon get answers to your questions". It is not well written and does not feel like it belongs there.
-Consider rewriting the sentence that begins with "Trapped behind enemy lines" to read "Trapped behind enemy lines you must forge unlikely alliances with former enemies in order to escape the Tzenkethi".
-Consider rewriting the sentence that begins with "Will you make it back" to read "It is up to you and your team whether or not you survive this encounter with the evil that has returned".
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is the same dialogue from the description. Consider rewriting this dialogue to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear location of the entrance to the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is the same dialogue from the description and grant dialogue. Consider rewriting this dialogue to set up the first map in a way that makes sense to the story. You can use this to explain how the player get's from where we leave off in part one to where we begin in part two.
MAPS: Tzenkethi Mine: The map design is well done and the battle is fun. The story dialogue is detailed but needs some work. I noted several items to consider changing:
-The Reman Prisoner dialogue; the sentence that starts with "You Starfleet" would read better broken in to more than a single sentence with commas.
-Consider changing "level of the mine and listen to the guard" to read "level of the mine a favor and listen to the guard"
-Consider changing "save your life and move along" to read "save your life so move along".
-Consider changing the response button "Ok Will do. Thank you" to read "Ok will do. Thank you".
-Consider changing the sentence "Don't mention it and keep it to your self" appears to be redundant. Also "yourself" is one word.
-The Science Officer dialogue; consider changing "that Reman was nice to warning us" to read "that Reman was nice for warning us".
-The sentence starting with "We should try and find him" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten. Also consider changing "We should try and find him" to read "We should try to find him".
-The use of the response button "Continue". There are few places you use it with extra dialogue using [OOC] for the player. The other places it feels like it is not right. Consider changing it to " ".
-The Tactical Officer dialogue; the sentence "Sir, is that a wise course of action" is a question and should have a question mark vice a period.
-Consider changing "keep it to our self" to read "keep it to ourselves".
-The Klingon Prisoner dialogue; the "HAHAHA" twice in the same dialogue felt like I was reading bad Anime. I suspect your intention is to make it seem as if the Klingon is laughing at the player but it really did not feel like that.
-Consider changing "to stick your noses in wher it does not belong" to read "to stick your nose in where it does not belong".
-Consider changing "look where it has got you" to read "look where it has gotten you".
-The tactical Officer dialogue; consider changing "Sir, this petaQ is wasting our time that we do not have and does not know where the Reman is, i suggest we move along" to read "Sir, this petaQ is wasting our time. He does not know where the Reman is. I suggest we keep looking".
The Klingon Prisoner dialogue; again the "HA" in two places in the dialogue so close together does not feel as though the Klingon is laughing. Consider adding [OCC] dialogue that indicates the Klingon is laughing vice writing it out.
-The dialogue "Starfleet officer wearing that uniform" seems redundant. What else would a Starfleet officer wear other than the uniform.
-The sentence starting with "I should kill you" needs to be rewritten and broken into separate sentences. The separation with periods does not help the flow of the dialogue.
-The dialogue "I like that fight you have got" is odd. Consider changing it to "I like the boldness of your words".
-The Cardassian Prisoner refers to the Cardassian Empire which does not exist as an enemy of the Federation. Consider changing "Cardassian Empire" to read "True Way".
-The Romulan Prisoner dialogue; again the "HAHA" at the beginning and end of the dialogue seems like bad Anime. Consider adding [OCC] dialogue that indicates the Romulan is laughing vice writing it out.
-Consider changing "business again and got captured and transported here" to read "business again, got captured and transported here".
-Consider changing the response button "Ok. Thank you will keep that in mind" to read "Ok, thank you. We will keep that in mind".
-The Tactical Officer dialogue; consider changing "not trust worthly" to read "not trust worthy".
-Consider changing "Kinda sounds that he was discribing them selfs" to read "Kind of sounds like he was describing himself".
-The Reman Prisoner dialogue; consider changing "So there is no use of trying to escape because we don't even know where we are" to read "So there is no use trying to escape".
-Consider changing the response button "What happened to the reminder of your crew" to read "What happened to the rest of your crew".
-The sentence starting with "When we first got here" needs to be rewritten into different sentences.
-Consider changing "we got tortured for any information on the Romulans and the Remans" to read "we were tortured in an attempt to extract information on the Romulans and Remans".
-Consider changing "anything about the Romulans and the Remans" to read "anything about the Romulans or the Remans".
-The Romulan Prisoner dialogue the sentence starting with "They need to find out" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "noises" to read "noses".
-Consider changing "cannot try and control" to read "cannot control".
-The Reman Prisoner dialogue that starts with "I heard this story" is a run on sentences and need to be rewritten.
-The sentence starting with "So one day" is a run on sentences and need to be rewritten.
-The sentence starting with "The Hirogen Alpha" is a run on sentences and need to be rewritten.
-The sentence starting with "The reminder of the crew" is a run on sentences and need to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "reminder" to read "remainder".
-Consider changing "it is best to hear the guards warning" to read "it is best to heed the guards warning".
-Consider removing "bad" from the response button. It is redundant to say "bad and horrible". In that context they mean the same thing.
-Consider removing "inmate" from the dialogue. It is redundant to say "prisoner inmate".
-The Romulan Prisoner dialogue; consider changing "trip done memory line" to read "trip down memory lane".
-All three uses of "punish" should read "punished".
-The sentence starting with "I lost two good men" is a run on sentences and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "and i will tell you" to read "and I will tell you".
-Post battle Tactical Officer dialogue the response button; consider changing "Agree" to read "Agreed".
-The Reman Prisoner dialogue response button; consider changing "Ok We will be right there" to read "Ok, we will be right there".
-The sentence that starts with "I probed the Romulan mind" is a run on sentences and need to be rewritten.
-Due to the volume of spelling, syntax and grammatical errors will only note maps with these issues and not the specific issue. It will be up to you to review the dialogue on those maps.
U.S.S. Drug: This is a good map design with well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Commander Derek Lowe initial dialogue is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
Tzenkethi Mine: The map design is well done and the story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Captain John Carrey initial dialogue is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-In the dialogue it is indicated that only the Hirogen and Klingons are willing to help. It states "The Nausicanns and the Romulans said no" but the player never talks to those two groups. Also it is "Naussicans" vice "Nausicanns".
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are many.
Restricted area: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are many.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider removing the interaction of the consoles once the player has cleared them. This can be done by using the visibility options in the Foundry. Remaining available after the player has either passed the puzzle or completed the task seems strange.
-All interaction terminals had the word "Interact" which is the default entry when the author does not change the button. Consider changing it to read "Access console" or words to that effect.
-Plot points to consider; we send out a distress signal to the Klingons and the dialogue indicates that several Klingon ships entered the system but when we beam up it is to our ship. Another issue is the player goes past several prisoners in other cells and does not even mention them. Consider adding dialogue regarding the other prisoners.
Ghomha System: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
Deep Space: This is a good map with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "tashforce" to read "taskforce".
-The sentence starting with "Sir, there is no clear sign" is a run on sentences and need to be rewritten.
U.S.S. Odyssey: This is a good map design and the story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Commander Will Bower dialogue response button. You used "i" vice "I" twice.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are many.
Unknown location: This is a nice map design but needs a little work The story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The three buildings are visible floating in the air. Is that intentional? Consider either changing them to invisible or making everything visible from the start.
-There is no visible foundation for any of the buildings. Is this intentional? Are they supposed to be floating in mid air with only the ramp for access?
-The Section 31 Hologram sentence starting with "Then as soon as you access" is a run on sentences and need to be rewritten.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-All interaction terminals had the word "Interact".
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
Korvat system: This is a good map design with fun battles. The story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the dialogue "the Chancellor agreed for us to be here" to read "the Chancellor has granted us permission to be here".
-Consider changing "They have some information stating that the Tzenkethi would be launching a major battle here against the Klingon Empire in this system" to read "We have intelligence that indicates the Tzenkethi are planning a large scale attack on this system".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing the response button "Lock targets and fire" to read "Lock on targets and fire".
-Consider changing "we were informed" to read "intelligence indicated".
Starbase 375 system: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Science Officer dialogue; consider changing "That means hey control the Starbase" to read "That means they control the Starbase".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The Tactical Officer dialogue; consider changing "The Klingon have dispatched a fleet" to read "The Klingons have dispatched a fleet".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing the mission and series. With the dialogue fixes you will make it a great mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Hey Evil70th thank you for taking your time to play through part 2. I did make most of the spelling and grammar changes that you had noted and I did go back and checked them they are good.
The Section 31 jail is suppose to be up in the air, I designed it that way. Also, the console that "has interact" on them I don't know how to change that to say something else, I used the deafauilt right on the console that's why it says interact, if I can change that please feel free to point it out to me.
Also, some of the changes were already done after I sumbit the mission for your review I don't know if you pick up the mission when you see them on your list of pick them up when the mission comes next but I will make sure that before I sumbit anymore missions to you that I have me and another person look for spelling and grammar issues.
Hey Evil70th thank you for taking your time to play through part 2. I did make most of the spelling and grammar changes that you had noted and I did go back and checked them they are good.
The Section 31 jail is suppose to be up in the air, I designed it that way. Also, the console that "has interact" on them I don't know how to change that to say something else, I used the deafauilt right on the console that's why it says interact, if I can change that please feel free to point it out to me.
Thanks for clarifying the prison issue. You can edit interact buttons for the individual objects located on the Story tab of the Foundry. Scroll down in the story and locate the object. The field is called "Interact Text". I hope that helps.
Also, some of the changes were already done after I sumbit the mission for your review I don't know if you pick up the mission when you see them on your list of pick them up when the mission comes next but I will make sure that before I sumbit anymore missions to you that I have me and another person look for spelling and grammar issues.
Thanks again.
Great job. Logitech007
I only acquired the mission the day I reviewed it. If you make changes you need to republish the mission before the changes will show in the mission.
Hello, I'd very much appreciate you trying my mission if you have the time:
Mission Name: Futility
Author: @elzombie
Minimum Level: 41+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HDZVFBBD2
Estimated Mission Length: Took me around 45 minutes, without the hidden surprises (there's only six so don't waste too much time looking for them!)
I hope you enjoy playing it as much as I enjoyed making it.
Summary: This is a good combat oriented mission with nice map designs, several very tough battles and excellent story dialogue. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players who like a tough combat oriented mission with a story. I would not recommend this mission on Elite level as the battles were more than enough challenge on Normal.
I mention the use of the response button "Continue" and have discussed its use in many other reports, so I will not cover it here. The use of puzzles in the mission is okay but I would suggest putting a "skip" the puzzle button for players who do not like puzzles. The button could be as simple as referring to the engineer or science officer to resolve the situation. I would also suggest a "skip dialogue" button that leads to a summary of the dialogue needed to continue the mission. This will allow the player to get the information that need and continue with the combat.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted one issue to consider changing;
-In the text you say "Can [NickName] and the [ShipName] unravel what's been going on aboard". Consider changing it to read "Can you and your crew unravel the mystery".
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue with just enough intrigue to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Accept' button. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[Rank], we've recived an encoded message" to read "[Rank], we've received an encoded message"
-Consider changing "The have a represenitive there" to read "They have a representative there".
Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear location of the first NPC contact. The task to send the player to speak with Golos Vell seems unnecessary and could have been covered with follow on dialogue after the player accepted the mission. Then they would proceed directly to the entrance to the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Utopia Planitia: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
- Franklin Drake refers to the player by the [NickName]. Consider changing this to [Rank].
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing "your career very closley" to read "your career very closely".
-Consider changing "details of this incidnet" to read "details of this incident".
-Consider changing "We need you assess the situation" to read "We need you to assess the situation".
-Consider changing "Test" to read "test".
-The Map Transfer text and button are both "Go to Next Map" which is the default text when not filled in by the author. You need to change this text to something appropriate to the mission.
Earth Spacedock (Cryptic Map): Cryptic did a great job of designing this map however using Cryptic maps as a means of transferring between mission maps is awkward at best. I would recommend once you have the player inside your mission maps you keep them there. You could easily have the player beam up to the ship as it enters your Wolf 359 map.
Sol System (Cryptic Map): Same comment as previous map.
Vulcan Sector (Cryptic Map): Same comment as previous maps. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Entry Prompt button; if you are going to keep the current use of Cryptic maps, consider changing "Looks for the U.S.S. Abrams" to read "Look for the U.S.S. Abrams".
Wolf 359: This is a good map with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "but we've blind to anything outside it" to read "but we're blind to anything outside it".
-The post Scan the Abrams dialogue; consider changing "[NickName], it looks as the the Abrams has punched" to read "[Rank], it looks as though the Abrams has punched".
-Consider changing "Structural integrity is at around 30%" to read "Structural integrity is at 30%".
-Consider changing "No responce, [Rank]" to read "No response, [Rank]".
U.S.S. Abrams Shuttle Bay: This is a good map design with tough battles and well written story dialogue. I liked Ensign Towe's Blade Runner reference dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The use of "Interact" for consoles, doors, and logs is the default entry for the button and should be changed to something more appropriate to the item being interacted with.
-Consider making the optional log files we find throughout the map disappear after being accessed.
-Story Dialogue point, Ensign Towe is facing into the room with his back to the door but refers to the others in the room as being behind him.
-Consider change "I cant say" to read "I can't say".
-Consider changing "The Brog" to read "The Borg".
-The map transfer NPC appears to be a shipboard Science BOFF, but his dialogue is as if he is on the Away Team. Consider changing the BOFF to an Away Team vice Shipboard BOFF.
U.S.S. Abrams Engineering: This is a good map design with tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "It might be an idea to investigate" to read "It might be a good idea to investigate".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The use of "Interact" for buttons.
-Consider changing "You could try and drop the shields and we could get the suvivors and yourself out" to read "You could try to drop the shields then we could get the survivors and yourself out".
-Consider changing "There's a problem it looks as though your deck is venting atphmospehere and the emergency force fields haven't kicked in" to read "There's a problem, it looks as though your deck is venting atmosphere and the emergency force fields haven't kicked in".
-Consider changing "Well done, [FirstName]" to read "Well done, [Rank]".
U.S.S. Abrams Corridor: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of "Interact" for buttons.
U.S.S. Abrams Bridge: This is a good map design with tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the [FirstName] and [NickName] in the dialogue. Consider changing it to [Rank].
-Consider changing "For a peaceful coperation" to read "For a peaceful cooperation".
-Consider changing "cubes as large as Glazy arms" to read "cubes as large as galaxy arms".
-Consider changing "They will lean to assimilate everything" to read "They will learn to assimilate everything".
Wolf 359 Incursion: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-If you are going to have friendly ships to assist in the battle you need more friendly ships or less Borg. They are wiped out in the first few minutes of the battle. This makes for a very long and boring fight.
-Consider getting rid of the warping in effect for the Borg as it is not necessary and the ships keep warping in, over and over again.
-Consider changing "I don't reckonize the callsign" to read "I don't recognize the call sign".
-Consider changing the response button "We resited, the future is not set in stone" to read "We resisted, the future is not set in stone".
Consider changing "you cannot change the inevetable" to read "you cannot change the inevitable".
-The use of the [FirstName] and [NickName] in the dialogue. Consider changing it to [Rank].
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 02/21/2014 on forum posting for: Futility.
Thanks for clarifying the prison issue. You can edit interact buttons for the individual objects located on the Story tab of the Foundry. Scroll down in the story and locate the object. The field is called "Interact Text". I hope that helps.
...
If using the Default Text checkbox on an object you can't set what the "Interact" button says. TBH because of this I've stopped using this and just have a dialogue pop up associated with it. Yes it works only once but usually that's enough
If using the Default Text checkbox on an object you can't set what the "Interact" button says. TBH because of this I've stopped using this and just have a dialogue pop up associated with it. Yes it works only once but usually that's enough
If you drop an object into the Story line the Interact Text field is available by default. I was referring a storyline object being assigned to a console as part of the story.
For popup text that appears if a player accesses an optional console the author would select the State tab and then under When select "Component Complete". This will reveal a new tab on the object called triggers. In that tab is where Interact Text field becomes available, which is where the button is defined. By default it is "Interact". The dialogue will appear once the player selects the available button. If you use the "Component Reached" is used when a Place Marker is used. The dialogue pops up automatically when this is set. The other two options on popup text are "Immediately" or "Never".
Hope that clarifies what I was referring to.
Brian
Sequal to Of Terror and Darkness. It's currently still in production, but by the time it gets its turn to be reviewed it'll be done, with bugs hammered out.
Summary: This is a great combat and story oriented mission with good map designs and extremely tough battles. The story dialogue served to draw me in and keep me interested throughout. You did a great job and I would definitely recommend this mission to other players, although not on Elite as it was tough enough on Normal.
In some of the dialogue I mention the use of [NickName] vice [Rank] and/or [LastName]. I mention it because it feels odd to me as the player does not necessarily know the person using it. This becomes more of an issue since you had those same NPCs referring to the player by [Rank] in later maps. Using [Rank] and/or [LastName] is pretty straight forward and the [NickName] is most likely the first name of the player. This is not always the case but in most circumstances it most likely is that way.
Since your mission contains heavy combat on a couple of the maps along with the story dialogue it may be useful to add a "Skip dialogue and provide summary" button. This could be used on the heavier dialogue portions, which helps a player move more quickly through your story and on to the battles. You would provide the summary to give the player what they need to known in order to carry on the mission.
Along the same lines I would recommend adding a "Solve the puzzle" button. Some players enjoy puzzles and that is okay. Something to consider is why include the puzzle? More specifically what is the purpose of including a puzzle? Does it add anything to the story? If does add to the story I would still recommend including a button. This allows the player to skip past the puzzle. You can make it part of the story, for example; "Engineer, I need you to fix this" or something along those lines.
On two of the maps I found the battles to be overpowering and time consuming. Battle balancing is an important element even in a combat oriented mission. I recommend spreading out the enemy mobs to give the player a chance to employ tactics to defeat them. They can overlap so if the player strays to close while engaging one he ends up engaging both. This does not mean you cannot have high level enemy mobs all across a map but not right on top of each other. Some players may like this type of grinder but I do not find that to be a challenge, I find it annoying.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is good but could use a little more story to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Hail'. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The initial grant dialogue is good but it needs a little more story to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'.
-The use of [NickName] in the dialogue. Consider changing it to [Rank] or a combination of [Rank] and [LastName].
-Consider adding dialogue that asks the player to meet with the Admiral.
Mission Task: The initial task needs to have the start location of the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Admiral Kormeks Office on ESD: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of [NickName] in the dialogue. Consider changing it to [Rank] or a combination of [Rank] and [LastName]. From this point forward I will indicate the maps where the dialogue contains this and cover it in my summary.
-Consider adding a "Skip dialogue and provide summary" button to the lengthy portions of the dialogue. From this point forward I will indicate maps where I think this would be appropriate and cover it in my summary.
Empok Nor: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of [NickName] in the dialogue.
-The extra consoles have funny dialogue but serve no purpose to the story. Consider removing them. If you are going to keep them then consider changing the default "Interact" for the button to read "Access Console".
-Consider changing the response button "and shields is up here" to read "and shields are up here".
-Consider adding a "Skip dialogue and provide summary" button to the lengthy portions of the dialogue.
Trivas System: This is a good map design with extremely tough battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The second enemy engagement is ridiculously over powered. All 7 groups are right on top of each other. Consider spreading them out more to give the player the ability to utilize tactics to engage them one or two at a time.
Sublevel H: This is a good map design with extremely tough battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-All the enemy mobs are way too powerful for the player to engage them and make it to the power core room. The only current solution is to run to the power core room and even there both mobs are too powerful. I respawned at least 5 times in the power core room before I wore them down. It is not a challenge, it is annoying. Consider spreading the enemy mobs out so the player can engage using tactics.
Sublevel This is a good map design with a easy battle and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The console near the spare parts; consider changing the default "Interact" button to read "Access Console".
Trivas System: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding a "Skip dialogue and provide summary" button to the lengthy portions of the dialogue.
Voporak's Ready Room: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding a "Skip dialogue and provide summary" button to the lengthy portions of the dialogue.
-The use of [NickName] in the dialogue.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 02/21/2014 on forum posting for: Time's Eye.
Mission: Tempest: On the edge
Faction: Fed
Author: Lawrencium
ID: ST-HJPNOG5BZ
My first serious foundry mission.I focused more on the combat. When reviewing the maps, treat Tempest and Tempestt as the same please. Had to duplicate the map.
Mission: Tempest: On the edge
Faction: Fed
Author: Lawrencium
ID: ST-HJPNOG5BZ
My first serious foundry mission.I focused more on the combat. When reviewing the maps, treat Tempest and Tempestt as the same please. Had to duplicate the map.
Hi radiouron,
Welcome to the queue and the Foundry. Your mission is currently 10th in the queue behind confedinblue. I appreciate the heads up on the maps. I will review your mission as soon as I can.
Hey Evil70th, I am back with part 3 of my series, I am looking for your review on this part. I am not sure if I posted this part 3 yet or not.
Name: The Unexpected Return Part Three
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Starfleet
ID:ST-HULT4LRKX
level: 16+
Time: 45-1 hour
Story: After the loss of Starbase 375 to the Tzenkethi forces, Starfleet and the Klingon Empire forces are on the run. Both Starfleet and the Klingon Empire are hard pressed to get Starbase 375 back and to take care of this new threat. How did the Tzenkethi forces manage to gain all of these vessels and facilities under the Federation and the Klingon Empires Knowledge? Do the Tzenkethi forces have support or are they alone? Will this be another Dominion war or will it not get that far? What will happen to the Tzenkethi? What will happen to the Klingon Empire? What will happen to the Federation?
Starting Location: Wall console just outside of the Transporter room on Earth space dock.
Thank you for taking your time to play my part 3.
Logitech007
Hey Evil70th, I am back with part 3 of my series, I am looking for your review on this part. I am not sure if I posted this part 3 yet or not.
Name: The Unexpected Return Part Three
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Starfleet
ID:ST-HULT4LRKX
level: 16+
Time: 45-1 hour
Story: After the loss of Starbase 375 to the Tzenkethi forces, Starfleet and the Klingon Empire forces are on the run. Both Starfleet and the Klingon Empire are hard pressed to get Starbase 375 back and to take care of this new threat. How did the Tzenkethi forces manage to gain all of these vessels and facilities under the Federation and the Klingon Empires Knowledge? Do the Tzenkethi forces have support or are they alone? Will this be another Dominion war or will it not get that far? What will happen to the Tzenkethi? What will happen to the Klingon Empire? What will happen to the Federation?
Starting Location: Wall console just outside of the Transporter room on Earth space dock.
Thank you for taking your time to play my part 3.
Logitech007
Hi Logitech007,
Welcome back to the queue. Your mission is currently 12th in the queue behind starfarertheta. Work just picked up and I am taking some college math courses so it may take a while to get to your mission but I will as soon as I can.
This is my "first" official Foundry mission. I have made 3, one that's WIP, and one I deleted entirely because of quality. This mission is a testbed for techniques in use for my second foundry mission, The Gauntlet Awaits. This was my first attempt at writing dialogue for characters and the warp sequence, and I thought it was good overall. It has combat, mild combat however until the finale. It's not too tough, I mostly focused on the mechanics of the mission more than story or combat, but later on revised the story and dialogs to make it flow nicely.
Summary: This is a great mission, especially for a first official Foundry mission. The map designs are well done, the battles fairly well balanced and the story dialogue is well written. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players who like the combination of balanced combat and well written story dialogue.
Below I mention a possible plot inconsistency in the story between the dialogue on the U.S.S. Byzantine Deck 16 and Byzantine Bridge maps. The dialogue on the Bridge map regarding the disabling of the device follows the revelation that Jarpek was actually a hologram. This makes it seem as if the device the player disabled on the previous map somehow allowed Jarpek to fight using a hologram. That implication is the problem with the dialogue. If the device was linked to the holographic image of Jarpek, which is implied by the dialogue, then how would he still be able to fight as a hologram if the device was disabled? If the holographic Jarpek was not linked to the device then you should consider moving the dialogue that discusses the purpose of the device from the Byzantine Bridge map to the U.S.S. Byzantine Deck 16 map following the player disabling the device.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a nice description but you may want to add more of the story and less about the version updates. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-It is okay to have version updates but consider summarizing them as in the example;
2.3.1 - Dialog updates
2.3 - Addressed plot issue and story development
2.2 - Dialog fixes and character updates
2.1 - Fixed NPC placement
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the "after a long mission [MissionInfo](See: The Doomsday Device)[/MissionInfo]" to read "after dealing with the doomsday device".
Mission Task: This is a good use of the task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Deep Space: This is a good map with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-If you are going to use the warp streaks then consider changing your map orientation to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space then the "Weather Starstreaks North South 01" regardless of the players speed. The other issue is if the player is not lined up at precisely the right angle and altitude when the warp starts it looks odd. Perhaps remove the warp streaks altogether and have the player warp directly to the system when they engage the warp.
-The post Disable Communications Array dialogue; consider changing the response button "They won't know what hit him before it's too late" to read "They won't know what hit them".
-The map transfer text; consider changing "We're walking into an ambush" to read "We're walking into a trap".
U.S.S. Byzantine Deck 16: This is a good map with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-You have to cargo lifts in the first room where we engage the first enemy mob. They appear to be buried in the deck. If the intention is to make them seem unpowered and on the deck then raise them up a little more. Experiment with the Y axis settings and remember to disable the snap to grid function on the map when editing.
-The Energy Dampener Device seems quite large and looks odd. Consider selecting a smaller object to be the dampener, perhaps half the current size.
-The Lt. Cmdr Roberts dialogue; consider changing "Someone, anyone on this deck, please help us" to read "Someone please help us".
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Let's go", or words to that effect.
-I realize the door selection in the Foundry is limited but consider changing the door to something other than a Klingon door.
-Having the player run all the way back across the map to access the turbo lift does not feel quite right. Consider removing the turbo lift located at the initial spawn point and change the wall door just outside of engineering to be the exit point for this map. If you did this you could add another raiding party to the room and hallway currently being covered by the turbolift.
Byzantine Bridge: This is a good map with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the Science BOFF dialogue "I dont want to know what would have happened if we didnt disable it in time" to read "I shudder to think of what might have happened had we not disable that device".
-The Captain Dravan dialogue; consider changing "but we were too outnumbered" to read "but we were outnumbered".
-Based on the dialogue regarding the dampener device on the previous map and this map there is a bit of a plot inconsistency. I will cover it in more detail in my summary.
Klingon Installation: This is a good map with challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 02/02/2014 on forum posting for: Extraction.
The third part of the Uprising series is finally online!
Uprising: Act III - Epsilon
ID: ST-HLZHDY566
Allegiance: Federation*
Level: All Levels
Language: English
Single player. Adding teammates may cause unexpected difficulties.
Estimated play time 60-90 minutes.
This mission is story-based and therefore contains heavy dialogue. However, it also contains both space and ground combat.*
This mission begins at the console outside of the transporter room on Earth Spacedock.
Summary:
Having been pushed to your breaking point by the Phoenix Dawn, you must find a way to get back into the fight. While you and your crew struggle to survive, Jok'lava continues his reign of terror on the Federation. You may be the last hope that Earth has left.
Starfleet is in its darkest hour. Do you have what it takes to figure out how to prevent total annihilation?
I just wanted to let you know because you thoroughly reviewed the first two parts. If you could review this one too, it'd be greatly appreciated. Thank you for all you do.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] "The time has come to see the world as it is." - Captain James T. Kirk Twitter - @SDVargo
Comments
Hi wildkazoo,
I left your mission in the queue and you are currently 10th in the queue.
Thanks for the update and for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - A Personal Favour
Author: nikkojt
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HAOH6LCA6
Report Start
Summary: This is a nice, straightforward mission with fun battles and short but well written story dialogue. The overall story feels incomplete but I would still recommend this mission to other players for the story that is there and the battles.
This is a minor issue but a larger plot issue. As I mention below Andoria being the moon referred to in the dialogue is not a moon of Andoria but the planet itself. Please correct me if I am wrong but I believe my suggested correction is valid. The STO story and that of Star Trek series all refer to the moon of the system as being Andoria. To fix this issue you could move the spawn point closer to the other moon in the system or indicate that it is a remote location on Andoria where the True Way has set up base camp.
The other issue is the absence of story dialogue to move the mission forward. It is okay to have a straightforward combat mission with little to no story but as a prelude to your upcoming mission "Lonesome Heart" you should add more dialogue that leads to that mission. For the most part the dialogue was okay for the mission itself but on the True Way Encampment map I mention the response of Captain Jhahl to the players question regarding the uniform. I understand if this is intended as a teaser for the upcoming episode but as I mentioned below it feels awkward. It really did not seem to go anywhere and as currently written detracts from the mission. Consider either adding more to the dialogue or remove it from the mission.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description needs a little more story to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "the recovery mission" to read "the rescue mission" The word "recovery" makes it sound like the NPC is already dead.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "shenanigans" to read "for assistance". While I have heard the use of the word "shenanigans" before I do not think it would be used by Andorian security let alone a Starfleet attache.
Mission Task: Consider adding the start location of the first custom map to the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The entry prompt button is exactly the same as the actual entry into the Andorian system. Consider changing it to something that is more in line with the entry dialogue. As it is currently written it really does not match the entry dialogue and the player may spend time entering the actual system rather than your mission.
MAPS:
Andoria System: This is a nice map design with some fun battles and short but well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-This is a story point. The Commander Esva dialogue says "We have traced Captain Jhahl's combadge to the far moon of Andoria" but the moon the enemy are orbiting is Andoria.
-Consider adding some story dialogue following the enemy engagements. It is odd that there is no discussion among the BOFFs and the player regarding the presence of True Way ships.
True Way Encampment: This is a nice map design with some fun battles and one challenging battle. The story dialogue needs some work by adding more to it. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding some initial dialogue regarding the location of Captain Jhahl and the enemy between her and the player.
-I refer back to my previous map comment regarding this being Andoria.
-Consider adding a respawn point closer to Captain Jhahl's location.
-The Captain Jhahl response to the question from the player about the uniform seems awkward without the player having the ability to press for an answer. If there is no answer than remove the option for the player to ask the question.
Andoria System #2: This is a nice map design with fun battles and short but well written staory dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Vulcan System: This is a nice map with well written story dialogue and serves to wrap up the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The dialogue with Captain Fetzi seems unnecessary to the story. Neither response really leads anywhere. Consider changing it to be an initial arrival report from a BOFF and an indicator of the location of the USS Chaos Theory.
-Consider adding more dialogue and perhaps an interaction for transfer of Captain Jhahl to the USS Chaos Theory. I mention this because that is ostensibly the purpose of our rendezvous with the Admiral.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did well and demonstrated a basic understanding of how to work within the confines of the Foundry. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
I wrote the question about the uniform before discovering the ability to costume contacts (I had to use an Engineering Ensign preset for Captain Jhahl). When I did discover it, I rewrote the answer to imply...things - a bit of a joke. If you think it's out of place, I'll just remove it as it's not particularly important.
- Added more to the hail dialogue. I'm not sure how much more I can safely add since there's not a lot of story and I don't want to spoil it.
- Fixed "calling shenanigans". I intended it to be a little bit of dry humour on Commander Vehhl's part, but since it's inappropriate I've reworded.
- Mission task already notes the starting point. I added this in response to similar feedback from ashkrik; it's possible you played before the change went live.
- Fixed system entry button.
As mentioned above I am fixing the whole Andoria vs moons debacle. I will add some dialogue about the True Way's presence.
Will fix as appropriate.
Captain Fetzi's dialogue was intended to appear when encountering her ship as an optional easter egg found elsewhere in the system. I forgot to add the trigger making it only visible when near her ship, and have now fixed it. Thanks for pointing it out!
(It's worth noting that there are a couple of these things on other maps; if you find yourself bored of an evening, feel free to try and find them!)
I will add a bit more stuff with the USS Chaos Theory.
Thanks again for the review and feedback! After fixing the issues you found I will start rounding off production on "Lonesome Heart", for release...well, next week probably. I'd be honoured if you could review that too when it's ready.
There used to be a picture here, but they changed signatures and I can't be bothered to replace it.
As always I am glad I could help. Keep moving forward with the development of your stories, you're doing good. Keep it up.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - The Unexpected Returns Part One
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HBSU3YYKC
Report Start
Summary: This is a nice mission with some fun battles and extensive but well written story dialogue. There are several issues below that are mostly related to spelling, punctuation, grammar and capitulation. Despite these issues I would still recommend this mission to other players who like a heavy dialogue oriented missions with some fun battles thrown in where appropriate.
Below I mention misspelled or improper use of the words. I went to this method of calling out the errors following the "Starbase 375 Deck Two" map where I found several spelling or improper use of words in the dialogue. In dialogue heave missions misspelling or improper use of a word is a distraction to the story and can either make or break the mission. Using word processors like Microsoft Word or other programs help with dialogue by reducing spelling and grammatical errors in the written story. A few months ago I posted a script sample that use to write my missions. It really helps and I highly recommend its use. At a minimum the word processor will help with written dialogue. There were also several locations where you used a lower case "i" vice "I" when referring to the individual. You should go through all your dialogue carefully to make sure you catch all the errors.
Another issue I mention below is the random capitalization of words. Some examples are; Battleship, Aliens, Quantum, Phaser, and Torpedo. Now this is only a partial listing but the general rule of thumb to use would be if it is not a proper name then it does not need to be capitalized. So if you have a sentence where you refer to a class of ship like the battleship it would be lower case. If you refer to a specific race type of ship like the Tzenkethi Battleship then it may be capitalized. You can keep it lowercase so it may be the Tzenkethi battleship. Eitherway will work. The weapon system phaser or torpedo would not need to be capitalized at anytime. When using rank structures such as captain or admiral they are usually lower case. If referring to a specific person such as Captain Webster or Admiral Quinn then it would be capitalized. Regardless of which way you chose to go it should be consistent throughout the mission.
Below are several things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is well written from a story perspective. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "After repairing your vessel at Utopia after the Fvain conflicts" to read "After repairing your vessel at Utopia following the Fvain conflicts".
-Consider changing "two unexpected returns" to read "two unexpected return".
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is the same dialogue from the description. Consider rewriting this dialogue to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "AAfter repairing your vessel at Utopia after the Fvain conflicts" to read "After repairing your vessel at Utopia following the Fvain conflicts".
-Consider changing "two unexpected returns" to read "two unexpected return".
Mission Task: Consider adding the start location of the mission to the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
U.S.S. Hood Deck One: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "and will be brought to justice for his crimes" to read "and he will be brought to justice for his crimes".
-Consider making Ensign Junior required dialogue or remove it from the second Admiral dialogue. It was not required and seemed odd when she brought it up.
Mec system: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Captain Tabora dialogue; sentence starting with "Yes, both the" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-The Captain Tabora dialogue; consider changing "three more signatures in the derbie field" to read "three more signatures in the debris field".
-Consider removing the continuous use of "[Rank]" in almost every dialogue. The initial use of it when a BOFF or other NPC starts a conversation with the player is okay but not as often as it is used.
-The post "Scan the vessel" dialogue; consider changing the response button "Let's Move on" to read "Let's move on"
-The post "Scan the vessel" dialogue is repetitive.
U.S.S. Yoga Bridge: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The science console where the player downloads the complete list of information is sitting above the deck.
-Consider changing "Our early reading lead us" to read "Our early readings lead us".
-Consider changing "the hull markings and color does not match to the" to read "the hull markings and color do not match to the". This would apply to the report for all three types of ships.
-Consider changing "Ok Thank you,[Rank]" to read "Ok, thank you, [Rank]".
-Check the capitalizations of words. You have words that appear to be randomly capitalized, i.e. Battleship, Cruiser, Quantum, and Torpedo. These are a few examples and do not cover all words that appear to be randomly capitalized.
-The map transfer dialogue appears to be coming from my shipboard science BOFF but appears to be coming from the away team. Consider changing "Are we ready to beam back" to read "We have a lock on the away team".
Mec system: This is a nice map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "Our full weapons arrays and banks are standing to fire on your command" to read "All weapons ready to fire on your command".
Starbase 375 Deck Two: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a several items to consider changing:
-The Admiral dialogue; consider changing the response button "That would work. Where are there" to read "Thank you Admiral. Where are they".
The Kris Mento dialogue; consider changing "It's a sad poor shame that you couldn't capture me" to read "It's a shame that you couldn't capture me".
-The Ambassador S'Tcaevra Tela dialogue; consider changing "It is finally a please to be off New Romulus for this meeting with your Admiral" to read "It is a pleasure to be here for the meeting with your Admiral.
-Consider changing "What can i do for you" to read "What can I do for you",
-During the player dialogue with Ambassador S'Tcaevra Tela the sentence starting with "My ship and two more" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "The results show several vessels" to read "The results show the vessels".
-Consider changing "i see" to read "I see".
-Consider removing the continuous use of "[Rank]" in almost every dialogue.
-Consider changing "[Rank], i have no idea on how" to read "[Rank], I have no idea how".
-Consider changing "I have to go and finish" to read "I have to finish".
Consider changing "[Rank] and i do hope you can find" to read "[Rank] and I hope you find".
-The Ambassador K'Mtok dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], there are going as i suspected" to read "[Rank], it is going as I expected".
-Consider changing "What can i do for you" to read "What can I do for you". From this point forward I am going to note the maps where "I" is not capitalized correctly. There are several more dialogue fields on this map with this issue.
-During the player dialogue with Ambassador K'Mtok the sentence starting with "My ship and two more" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-Check the capitalizations of words, i.e. Aliens,
-Consider changing "you have got proof before accuing the Klingon Empire of givcing the Aliens their designs" to read "you have got proof before accusing the Klingon Empire of giving the aliens their designs".
-The Kris Mento dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] [Rank] [Rank]" to read "[Rank], [Rank], [Rank]".
-Consider changing "try and trace this" to read "try to trace this".
-Consider changing "its a waste of time" to read "it's a waste of time".
-Consider changing the response button "that you have had" to read "that you have".
-Consider changing "it used to be runned by the Zakdorn" to read "The facility was managed by the Zakdorn".
-Consider changing "One more thing, noone has seen these new Aliens that run the Depot" to read "One more thing, no one has seen these new aliens that run the depot"
-Consider removing the sentence "The Federation has no idea who is running it now". It seems redundant when you have the sentence listed in the comment above this one.
-Consider changing "until one of the other Ambassador's had told me" to read "until one of the other Ambassador's told me"
-Consider changing "Kris Mento told me that we will have to do is to send out a transmission into subspace and just wait" to read "Kris Mento said all we need to do is send a transmission into subspace and then wait".
-Consider changing the response button "Understand" to read "Understood".
-Due to the volume of spelling, syntax and grammatical errors will only note maps with these issues and not the specific issue. It will be up to you to review the dialogue on those maps.
Surplus Depot Z15: This is a nice map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The "Send out a subspace transmission" trigger; consider changing it to an invisible object of at least 500ft to act as the trigger. Then it will not be visible on the screen.
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "edviance" to read "evidence".
-Consider removing the continuous use of "[Rank]" in almost every dialogue.
-Check dialogue for the use of "i" vice "I" incorrectly.
-The Admiral Mirren Sola dialogue; consider changing the word "inform" to read "informed".
-The Admiral Mirren Sola sentence starting with "I have sent the location" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "[Rank], Unofficially" to read "[Rank], unofficially".
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "Section 31is" to read "Section 31 is".
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "stsyem" to read "system".
Unknown Classified system: This is a nice map with well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
41261: This is a good map design of the penal colony with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-On the "Surplus Depot Z15" map Admiral Mirren Sola indicated "the penal colony is at a secret location, only a handful of Admiral's know". When the player arrives we find dead Hirogen as well as Klingon, Romulan, and living Hirogen, which contradicted the previous dialogue.
-On the "Surplus Depot Z15" map Admiral Mirren Sola indicated "Yes, but the inmate will only talk to you". On the penal colony there is no dialogue related to finding the inmate who would only talk to the player. The player searches the facility and eventually finds the Section 31 personnel torturing an inmate to get him to talk. You should consider rewriting this map to remove all references to the torture and have the player find the inmate indicated on the "Surplus Depot Z15" map. The inmate would then provide the information only to the player.
-Consider removing the continuous use of "[Rank]" in almost every dialogue.
-Check dialogue for the use of "i" vice "I" incorrectly.
-Consider moving the weapons lockers next to each force field control console. It does not make any sense to go inside the force field to lock up the weapons.
-Consider changing the response button "No Thanks you" to read "No thank you".
-In the second area with section 31 the fog appears to serve no purpose to the story.
-The Section 31 agent dialogue; consider changing "sting" to read "string".
-Check the capitalizations of words, i.e. Killed and More.
Planet's Surface: This is a good map design and I liked the facility design. There is one low level optional battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "transporter enhancers" to read "transporter inhibitors".
-Consider checking all dialogue for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. For example "It's a good on how he set this up".
-Consider removing the continuous use of "[Rank]" in almost every dialogue.
-The Science Officer sentence starting with "Most people would not scan" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider adding a foundation under the facility. It looks odd just sitting there in the air.
-Check the capitalizations of words, i.e. Alien and Phaser.
-Consider changing the following response button misspelled or improper use of the word; "Your right" to read "You're right". In the context you are using it this would be the proper spelling.
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "even if its" to read "even if it's".
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "THANK ABOUT IT" to read "THINK ABOUT IT".
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "that good of a bluff in poker" to read "that good at bluffing in poker".
-Consider changing the following response button misspelled or improper use of the word; "Yes I have and I have you to thanks for that" to read "Yes and I have you to thank for that".
-Check for proper capitalization of words in the dialogue and response buttons, i.e. ok.
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "these two evens are not connected" to read "these two events are not connected".
Vesper system: This is a good map with several fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "[Rank], Glad that you made it" to read "[Rank], glad that you made it".
Tzenkethi Battleship: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the multiple attempts to access a console with repetitive dialogue and add some information that the player is able to get from each console. Also consider reducing the number of consoles the player must attempt.
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "watch and prey" to read "watch and pray".
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "evasive maneuvers patter omega" to read "evasive maneuvers, pattern omega".
-Consider changing the following misspelled or improper use of the word; "The [ShipName] losing there dorsal shields" to read "The [ShipName] is losing dorsal shields".
-Check for proper capitalization of words in the dialogue and response buttons, i.e. Defensive, Epsilon.
-There is a carriage return between "decks twelve through seventeen" and "Sections four through ten". Consider replacing the carriage return with a coma.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing the mission and with a few fixes in the dialogue here and there you will make it a great mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 02/09/2014 on forum posting for: The Unexpected Returns Series
I went through the mission and your key points and found that I had changed about 65 percent of it before you reviewed it but missed the rest of it. But I did make the changes that you had pointed out and some I keep but once again thank you for taking your time.
I did use Microsoft word for part 2 so the spelling and grammar issues would be as bad i'm hoping.
You had said you had posted a script sample, I can not find it, tho, would love to look at it.
So im hoping part 2 is not too bad for you.
Thanks again.
Logitech007
This one is longer and more complex than A Personal Favour, with some more interesting stuff happening. I just hope I managed to keep the story straight...
Lonesome Heart
Federation, ST-HGM9WKQKU, level 31+, nikkojt
Thanks!
There used to be a picture here, but they changed signatures and I can't be bothered to replace it.
Hi Logitech007,
As always I am glad I could help. Below is the script template I use to create my missions.
Script Sample
Mission Title:
Project ID:
Allegiance:
Level: 16+
Description: [Rank] [LastName], (STORY SUMMARY)
[OOC] Authors Notes:
Heavy dialog with some combat.
Estimate length;
minutes with full dialog.
with "Skip Dialog".[/OOC]
Cast:
NPC names
Grant Mission Dialog: This is an example.
Map Name:
Map Transfer:
Map Text:
NPC:
Button:
Mission Task: Interact
NPC:
Response:
NPC:
Response:
Mission Task: Interact
NPC:
Response:
NPC:
Response:
Optional Response: I would like to move on please. (Skip Dialog)
NPC Optional Response:
Response: Got it. Thanks...
Reach Marker: You have arrived
NPC:
Response:
Mission Task: Interact
NPC:
Response:
Map Name:
Map Transfer:
Map Text:
NPC:
Button:
Mission Task: Interact:
NPC:
Response:
Mission Task:
Engage Enemy 1/3
Engage Enemy 2/3
Engage Enemy 3/3
End Sample
The NPC listed above can be any NPC you create. To keep track of BOFFs I usually label them Science Officer (Away Team) or (Ship). Tactical Officer (Away Team) or (Ship), and Engineering Officer (Away Team) or (Ship). That way I always know which one it should be. Of course you cannot control who the player assigns to their away teams and in those cases it may default to another BOFF other than who you intended. For example if they have an away team comprised of all Tactical BOFFs and you have dialogue coming from a Science BOFF it may look odd to them. At that point it is the players issue and not yours.
Now this is just a sample of how I write scripts for my missions. The sample can be copied, pasted and formatted for Word. I feel writing a script helps the author keep track of the story, tasks within the story, NPC along with their roles, and of course spelling and basic grammar. There are a number of ways to do it and this sample does not show the way I create and track multiple response dialogue. That would be more in depth and perhaps for another day.
Hope this helps. Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi nikkojt,
Welcome back to the queue. Your mission is currently 10th in the queue behind ashkrik23. I will review this mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring.
Brian
Got a "new" mission for you (it's been in the pipeline for far too long)
Fed
The Improbable Bulk
ST-HKFZXUY5N
Foundry Mission Database
Check out my Foundry missions:
Standalone - The Great Escape - The Galaxy's Fair - Purity I: Of Denial - Return to Oblivion
Untitled Series - Duritanium Man - The Improbable Bulk - Commander Rihan
Hi Zorbane,
Welcome back to the queue. It has been a while.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - The Unexpected Returns Part Two
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HCHMV3CNC
Report Start
Summary: This is a nice mission with some fun battles and detailed story dialogue. There are several issues below that are mostly related to spelling, punctuation, grammar and capitalization. Despite these issues I would still recommend this mission to other players who like a heavy dialogue oriented missions with some fun battles to break up the story.
In my previous report I mentioned ways to address issues like the ones listed below. I will not repeat those recommendations in this report.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is okay but needs a little work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider combining and changing the first two sentences to read "Following a 50 year absence the Tzenkethi are back with disastrous consequences".
-Consider deleting "You and your team will soon get answers to your questions". It is not well written and does not feel like it belongs there.
-Consider rewriting the sentence that begins with "Trapped behind enemy lines" to read "Trapped behind enemy lines you must forge unlikely alliances with former enemies in order to escape the Tzenkethi".
-Consider rewriting the sentence that begins with "Will you make it back" to read "It is up to you and your team whether or not you survive this encounter with the evil that has returned".
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is the same dialogue from the description. Consider rewriting this dialogue to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear location of the entrance to the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is the same dialogue from the description and grant dialogue. Consider rewriting this dialogue to set up the first map in a way that makes sense to the story. You can use this to explain how the player get's from where we leave off in part one to where we begin in part two.
MAPS:
Tzenkethi Mine: The map design is well done and the battle is fun. The story dialogue is detailed but needs some work. I noted several items to consider changing:
-The Reman Prisoner dialogue; the sentence that starts with "You Starfleet" would read better broken in to more than a single sentence with commas.
-Consider changing "level of the mine and listen to the guard" to read "level of the mine a favor and listen to the guard"
-Consider changing "save your life and move along" to read "save your life so move along".
-Consider changing the response button "Ok Will do. Thank you" to read "Ok will do. Thank you".
-Consider changing the sentence "Don't mention it and keep it to your self" appears to be redundant. Also "yourself" is one word.
-The Science Officer dialogue; consider changing "that Reman was nice to warning us" to read "that Reman was nice for warning us".
-The sentence starting with "We should try and find him" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten. Also consider changing "We should try and find him" to read "We should try to find him".
-The use of the response button "Continue". There are few places you use it with extra dialogue using [OOC] for the player. The other places it feels like it is not right. Consider changing it to " ".
-The Tactical Officer dialogue; the sentence "Sir, is that a wise course of action" is a question and should have a question mark vice a period.
-Consider changing "keep it to our self" to read "keep it to ourselves".
-The Klingon Prisoner dialogue; the "HAHAHA" twice in the same dialogue felt like I was reading bad Anime. I suspect your intention is to make it seem as if the Klingon is laughing at the player but it really did not feel like that.
-Consider changing "to stick your noses in wher it does not belong" to read "to stick your nose in where it does not belong".
-Consider changing "look where it has got you" to read "look where it has gotten you".
-The tactical Officer dialogue; consider changing "Sir, this petaQ is wasting our time that we do not have and does not know where the Reman is, i suggest we move along" to read "Sir, this petaQ is wasting our time. He does not know where the Reman is. I suggest we keep looking".
The Klingon Prisoner dialogue; again the "HA" in two places in the dialogue so close together does not feel as though the Klingon is laughing. Consider adding [OCC] dialogue that indicates the Klingon is laughing vice writing it out.
-The dialogue "Starfleet officer wearing that uniform" seems redundant. What else would a Starfleet officer wear other than the uniform.
-The sentence starting with "I should kill you" needs to be rewritten and broken into separate sentences. The separation with periods does not help the flow of the dialogue.
-The dialogue "I like that fight you have got" is odd. Consider changing it to "I like the boldness of your words".
-The Cardassian Prisoner refers to the Cardassian Empire which does not exist as an enemy of the Federation. Consider changing "Cardassian Empire" to read "True Way".
-The Romulan Prisoner dialogue; again the "HAHA" at the beginning and end of the dialogue seems like bad Anime. Consider adding [OCC] dialogue that indicates the Romulan is laughing vice writing it out.
-Consider changing "business again and got captured and transported here" to read "business again, got captured and transported here".
-Consider changing the response button "Ok. Thank you will keep that in mind" to read "Ok, thank you. We will keep that in mind".
-The Tactical Officer dialogue; consider changing "not trust worthly" to read "not trust worthy".
-Consider changing "Kinda sounds that he was discribing them selfs" to read "Kind of sounds like he was describing himself".
-The Reman Prisoner dialogue; consider changing "So there is no use of trying to escape because we don't even know where we are" to read "So there is no use trying to escape".
-Consider changing the response button "What happened to the reminder of your crew" to read "What happened to the rest of your crew".
-The sentence starting with "When we first got here" needs to be rewritten into different sentences.
-Consider changing "we got tortured for any information on the Romulans and the Remans" to read "we were tortured in an attempt to extract information on the Romulans and Remans".
-Consider changing "anything about the Romulans and the Remans" to read "anything about the Romulans or the Remans".
-The Romulan Prisoner dialogue the sentence starting with "They need to find out" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "noises" to read "noses".
-Consider changing "cannot try and control" to read "cannot control".
-The Reman Prisoner dialogue that starts with "I heard this story" is a run on sentences and need to be rewritten.
-The sentence starting with "So one day" is a run on sentences and need to be rewritten.
-The sentence starting with "The Hirogen Alpha" is a run on sentences and need to be rewritten.
-The sentence starting with "The reminder of the crew" is a run on sentences and need to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "reminder" to read "remainder".
-Consider changing "it is best to hear the guards warning" to read "it is best to heed the guards warning".
-Consider removing "bad" from the response button. It is redundant to say "bad and horrible". In that context they mean the same thing.
-Consider removing "inmate" from the dialogue. It is redundant to say "prisoner inmate".
-The Romulan Prisoner dialogue; consider changing "trip done memory line" to read "trip down memory lane".
-All three uses of "punish" should read "punished".
-The sentence starting with "I lost two good men" is a run on sentences and needs to be rewritten.
-Consider changing "and i will tell you" to read "and I will tell you".
-Post battle Tactical Officer dialogue the response button; consider changing "Agree" to read "Agreed".
-The Reman Prisoner dialogue response button; consider changing "Ok We will be right there" to read "Ok, we will be right there".
-The sentence that starts with "I probed the Romulan mind" is a run on sentences and need to be rewritten.
-Due to the volume of spelling, syntax and grammatical errors will only note maps with these issues and not the specific issue. It will be up to you to review the dialogue on those maps.
U.S.S. Drug: This is a good map design with well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Commander Derek Lowe initial dialogue is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
Tzenkethi Mine: The map design is well done and the story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Captain John Carrey initial dialogue is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-In the dialogue it is indicated that only the Hirogen and Klingons are willing to help. It states "The Nausicanns and the Romulans said no" but the player never talks to those two groups. Also it is "Naussicans" vice "Nausicanns".
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are many.
Restricted area: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are many.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider removing the interaction of the consoles once the player has cleared them. This can be done by using the visibility options in the Foundry. Remaining available after the player has either passed the puzzle or completed the task seems strange.
-All interaction terminals had the word "Interact" which is the default entry when the author does not change the button. Consider changing it to read "Access console" or words to that effect.
-Plot points to consider; we send out a distress signal to the Klingons and the dialogue indicates that several Klingon ships entered the system but when we beam up it is to our ship. Another issue is the player goes past several prisoners in other cells and does not even mention them. Consider adding dialogue regarding the other prisoners.
Ghomha System: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
Deep Space: This is a good map with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "tashforce" to read "taskforce".
-The sentence starting with "Sir, there is no clear sign" is a run on sentences and need to be rewritten.
U.S.S. Odyssey: This is a good map design and the story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Commander Will Bower dialogue response button. You used "i" vice "I" twice.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are many.
Unknown location: This is a nice map design but needs a little work The story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The three buildings are visible floating in the air. Is that intentional? Consider either changing them to invisible or making everything visible from the start.
-There is no visible foundation for any of the buildings. Is this intentional? Are they supposed to be floating in mid air with only the ramp for access?
-The Section 31 Hologram sentence starting with "Then as soon as you access" is a run on sentences and need to be rewritten.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-All interaction terminals had the word "Interact".
-Consider checking the dialogue on this map for spelling, syntax and grammatical errors. There are several.
Korvat system: This is a good map design with fun battles. The story dialogue is detailed but needs work. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the dialogue "the Chancellor agreed for us to be here" to read "the Chancellor has granted us permission to be here".
-Consider changing "They have some information stating that the Tzenkethi would be launching a major battle here against the Klingon Empire in this system" to read "We have intelligence that indicates the Tzenkethi are planning a large scale attack on this system".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing the response button "Lock targets and fire" to read "Lock on targets and fire".
-Consider changing "we were informed" to read "intelligence indicated".
Starbase 375 system: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Science Officer dialogue; consider changing "That means hey control the Starbase" to read "That means they control the Starbase".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The Tactical Officer dialogue; consider changing "The Klingon have dispatched a fleet" to read "The Klingons have dispatched a fleet".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing the mission and series. With the dialogue fixes you will make it a great mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 02/18/2014 on forum posting for: The Unexpected Returns Series
Mission Name: The Devil's Playground
Author: confedinblue
Minimum Level: 41+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HE4GS98P8
Estimated Mission Length: 1 to 1.25 hours
Forum Thread: http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/showthread.php?t=1019191
Summary: You are ordered to the Noro System to investigate why contact was lost with a research team.
Thanks!
Hi confedinblue,
Welcome to the queue. Your mission is currently 11th in the queue behind zorbane. I will get to your review just as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
The Section 31 jail is suppose to be up in the air, I designed it that way. Also, the console that "has interact" on them I don't know how to change that to say something else, I used the deafauilt right on the console that's why it says interact, if I can change that please feel free to point it out to me.
Also, some of the changes were already done after I sumbit the mission for your review I don't know if you pick up the mission when you see them on your list of pick them up when the mission comes next but I will make sure that before I sumbit anymore missions to you that I have me and another person look for spelling and grammar issues.
Thanks again.
Great job. Logitech007
As always I am glad I could help.
Thanks for clarifying the prison issue. You can edit interact buttons for the individual objects located on the Story tab of the Foundry. Scroll down in the story and locate the object. The field is called "Interact Text". I hope that helps.
I only acquired the mission the day I reviewed it. If you make changes you need to republish the mission before the changes will show in the mission.
Thanks again for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - Futility
Author: elzombie
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HDZVFBBD2
Report Start
Summary: This is a good combat oriented mission with nice map designs, several very tough battles and excellent story dialogue. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players who like a tough combat oriented mission with a story. I would not recommend this mission on Elite level as the battles were more than enough challenge on Normal.
I mention the use of the response button "Continue" and have discussed its use in many other reports, so I will not cover it here. The use of puzzles in the mission is okay but I would suggest putting a "skip" the puzzle button for players who do not like puzzles. The button could be as simple as referring to the engineer or science officer to resolve the situation. I would also suggest a "skip dialogue" button that leads to a summary of the dialogue needed to continue the mission. This will allow the player to get the information that need and continue with the combat.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted one issue to consider changing;
-In the text you say "Can [NickName] and the [ShipName] unravel what's been going on aboard". Consider changing it to read "Can you and your crew unravel the mystery".
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue with just enough intrigue to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Accept' button. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[Rank], we've recived an encoded message" to read "[Rank], we've received an encoded message"
-Consider changing "The have a represenitive there" to read "They have a representative there".
Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear location of the first NPC contact. The task to send the player to speak with Golos Vell seems unnecessary and could have been covered with follow on dialogue after the player accepted the mission. Then they would proceed directly to the entrance to the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Utopia Planitia: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
- Franklin Drake refers to the player by the [NickName]. Consider changing this to [Rank].
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing "your career very closley" to read "your career very closely".
-Consider changing "details of this incidnet" to read "details of this incident".
-Consider changing "We need you assess the situation" to read "We need you to assess the situation".
-Consider changing "Test" to read "test".
-The Map Transfer text and button are both "Go to Next Map" which is the default text when not filled in by the author. You need to change this text to something appropriate to the mission.
Earth Spacedock (Cryptic Map): Cryptic did a great job of designing this map however using Cryptic maps as a means of transferring between mission maps is awkward at best. I would recommend once you have the player inside your mission maps you keep them there. You could easily have the player beam up to the ship as it enters your Wolf 359 map.
Sol System (Cryptic Map): Same comment as previous map.
Vulcan Sector (Cryptic Map): Same comment as previous maps. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Entry Prompt button; if you are going to keep the current use of Cryptic maps, consider changing "Looks for the U.S.S. Abrams" to read "Look for the U.S.S. Abrams".
Wolf 359: This is a good map with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "but we've blind to anything outside it" to read "but we're blind to anything outside it".
-The post Scan the Abrams dialogue; consider changing "[NickName], it looks as the the Abrams has punched" to read "[Rank], it looks as though the Abrams has punched".
-Consider changing "Structural integrity is at around 30%" to read "Structural integrity is at 30%".
-Consider changing "No responce, [Rank]" to read "No response, [Rank]".
U.S.S. Abrams Shuttle Bay: This is a good map design with tough battles and well written story dialogue. I liked Ensign Towe's Blade Runner reference dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The use of "Interact" for consoles, doors, and logs is the default entry for the button and should be changed to something more appropriate to the item being interacted with.
-Consider making the optional log files we find throughout the map disappear after being accessed.
-Story Dialogue point, Ensign Towe is facing into the room with his back to the door but refers to the others in the room as being behind him.
-Consider change "I cant say" to read "I can't say".
-Consider changing "The Brog" to read "The Borg".
-The map transfer NPC appears to be a shipboard Science BOFF, but his dialogue is as if he is on the Away Team. Consider changing the BOFF to an Away Team vice Shipboard BOFF.
U.S.S. Abrams Engineering: This is a good map design with tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "It might be an idea to investigate" to read "It might be a good idea to investigate".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The use of "Interact" for buttons.
-Consider changing "You could try and drop the shields and we could get the suvivors and yourself out" to read "You could try to drop the shields then we could get the survivors and yourself out".
-Consider changing "There's a problem it looks as though your deck is venting atphmospehere and the emergency force fields haven't kicked in" to read "There's a problem, it looks as though your deck is venting atmosphere and the emergency force fields haven't kicked in".
-Consider changing "Well done, [FirstName]" to read "Well done, [Rank]".
U.S.S. Abrams Corridor: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of "Interact" for buttons.
U.S.S. Abrams Bridge: This is a good map design with tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the [FirstName] and [NickName] in the dialogue. Consider changing it to [Rank].
-Consider changing "For a peaceful coperation" to read "For a peaceful cooperation".
-Consider changing "cubes as large as Glazy arms" to read "cubes as large as galaxy arms".
-Consider changing "They will lean to assimilate everything" to read "They will learn to assimilate everything".
Wolf 359 Incursion: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-If you are going to have friendly ships to assist in the battle you need more friendly ships or less Borg. They are wiped out in the first few minutes of the battle. This makes for a very long and boring fight.
-Consider getting rid of the warping in effect for the Borg as it is not necessary and the ships keep warping in, over and over again.
-Consider changing "I don't reckonize the callsign" to read "I don't recognize the call sign".
-Consider changing the response button "We resited, the future is not set in stone" to read "We resisted, the future is not set in stone".
Consider changing "you cannot change the inevetable" to read "you cannot change the inevitable".
-The use of the [FirstName] and [NickName] in the dialogue. Consider changing it to [Rank].
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 02/21/2014 on forum posting for: Futility.
If using the Default Text checkbox on an object you can't set what the "Interact" button says. TBH because of this I've stopped using this and just have a dialogue pop up associated with it. Yes it works only once but usually that's enough
Foundry Mission Database
Check out my Foundry missions:
Standalone - The Great Escape - The Galaxy's Fair - Purity I: Of Denial - Return to Oblivion
Untitled Series - Duritanium Man - The Improbable Bulk - Commander Rihan
If you drop an object into the Story line the Interact Text field is available by default. I was referring a storyline object being assigned to a console as part of the story.
For popup text that appears if a player accesses an optional console the author would select the State tab and then under When select "Component Complete". This will reveal a new tab on the object called triggers. In that tab is where Interact Text field becomes available, which is where the button is defined. By default it is "Interact". The dialogue will appear once the player selects the available button. If you use the "Component Reached" is used when a Place Marker is used. The dialogue pops up automatically when this is set. The other two options on popup text are "Immediately" or "Never".
Hope that clarifies what I was referring to.
Brian
Federation Mission - Time's Eye
Author: voporak
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HN4LHQZHT
Report Start
Summary: This is a great combat and story oriented mission with good map designs and extremely tough battles. The story dialogue served to draw me in and keep me interested throughout. You did a great job and I would definitely recommend this mission to other players, although not on Elite as it was tough enough on Normal.
In some of the dialogue I mention the use of [NickName] vice [Rank] and/or [LastName]. I mention it because it feels odd to me as the player does not necessarily know the person using it. This becomes more of an issue since you had those same NPCs referring to the player by [Rank] in later maps. Using [Rank] and/or [LastName] is pretty straight forward and the [NickName] is most likely the first name of the player. This is not always the case but in most circumstances it most likely is that way.
Since your mission contains heavy combat on a couple of the maps along with the story dialogue it may be useful to add a "Skip dialogue and provide summary" button. This could be used on the heavier dialogue portions, which helps a player move more quickly through your story and on to the battles. You would provide the summary to give the player what they need to known in order to carry on the mission.
Along the same lines I would recommend adding a "Solve the puzzle" button. Some players enjoy puzzles and that is okay. Something to consider is why include the puzzle? More specifically what is the purpose of including a puzzle? Does it add anything to the story? If does add to the story I would still recommend including a button. This allows the player to skip past the puzzle. You can make it part of the story, for example; "Engineer, I need you to fix this" or something along those lines.
On two of the maps I found the battles to be overpowering and time consuming. Battle balancing is an important element even in a combat oriented mission. I recommend spreading out the enemy mobs to give the player a chance to employ tactics to defeat them. They can overlap so if the player strays to close while engaging one he ends up engaging both. This does not mean you cannot have high level enemy mobs all across a map but not right on top of each other. Some players may like this type of grinder but I do not find that to be a challenge, I find it annoying.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is good but could use a little more story to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Hail'. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The initial grant dialogue is good but it needs a little more story to draw the player in and make them want to click 'Accept'.
-The use of [NickName] in the dialogue. Consider changing it to [Rank] or a combination of [Rank] and [LastName].
-Consider adding dialogue that asks the player to meet with the Admiral.
Mission Task: The initial task needs to have the start location of the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Admiral Kormeks Office on ESD: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of [NickName] in the dialogue. Consider changing it to [Rank] or a combination of [Rank] and [LastName]. From this point forward I will indicate the maps where the dialogue contains this and cover it in my summary.
-Consider adding a "Skip dialogue and provide summary" button to the lengthy portions of the dialogue. From this point forward I will indicate maps where I think this would be appropriate and cover it in my summary.
Empok Nor: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of [NickName] in the dialogue.
-The extra consoles have funny dialogue but serve no purpose to the story. Consider removing them. If you are going to keep them then consider changing the default "Interact" for the button to read "Access Console".
-Consider changing the response button "and shields is up here" to read "and shields are up here".
-Consider adding a "Skip dialogue and provide summary" button to the lengthy portions of the dialogue.
Trivas System: This is a good map design with extremely tough battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The second enemy engagement is ridiculously over powered. All 7 groups are right on top of each other. Consider spreading them out more to give the player the ability to utilize tactics to engage them one or two at a time.
Sublevel H: This is a good map design with extremely tough battles and excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-All the enemy mobs are way too powerful for the player to engage them and make it to the power core room. The only current solution is to run to the power core room and even there both mobs are too powerful. I respawned at least 5 times in the power core room before I wore them down. It is not a challenge, it is annoying. Consider spreading the enemy mobs out so the player can engage using tactics.
Sublevel
-The console near the spare parts; consider changing the default "Interact" button to read "Access Console".
Trivas System: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding a "Skip dialogue and provide summary" button to the lengthy portions of the dialogue.
Voporak's Ready Room: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding a "Skip dialogue and provide summary" button to the lengthy portions of the dialogue.
-The use of [NickName] in the dialogue.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 02/21/2014 on forum posting for: Time's Eye.
Faction: Fed
Author: Lawrencium
ID: ST-HJPNOG5BZ
My first serious foundry mission.I focused more on the combat. When reviewing the maps, treat Tempest and Tempestt as the same please. Had to duplicate the map.
Hi radiouron,
Welcome to the queue and the Foundry. Your mission is currently 10th in the queue behind confedinblue. I appreciate the heads up on the maps. I will review your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Mission: A Routine Mission
Author: starfarertheta
Minimum Level: No restrictions
Faction: Federation
Project ID: ST-HA6JIBXJD
Estimated Length: 20-35 minutes.
Name: The Unexpected Return Part Three
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Starfleet
ID:ST-HULT4LRKX
level: 16+
Time: 45-1 hour
Story: After the loss of Starbase 375 to the Tzenkethi forces, Starfleet and the Klingon Empire forces are on the run. Both Starfleet and the Klingon Empire are hard pressed to get Starbase 375 back and to take care of this new threat. How did the Tzenkethi forces manage to gain all of these vessels and facilities under the Federation and the Klingon Empires Knowledge? Do the Tzenkethi forces have support or are they alone? Will this be another Dominion war or will it not get that far? What will happen to the Tzenkethi? What will happen to the Klingon Empire? What will happen to the Federation?
Starting Location: Wall console just outside of the Transporter room on Earth space dock.
Thank you for taking your time to play my part 3.
Logitech007
Hi starfarertheta,
Welcome to the queue. Your mission is currently 11th in the queue behind radiouron. I will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi Logitech007,
Welcome back to the queue. Your mission is currently 12th in the queue behind starfarertheta. Work just picked up and I am taking some college math courses so it may take a while to get to your mission but I will as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - Extraction
Author: nak3dsnake
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HRJS4PZ5N
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission, especially for a first official Foundry mission. The map designs are well done, the battles fairly well balanced and the story dialogue is well written. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players who like the combination of balanced combat and well written story dialogue.
Below I mention a possible plot inconsistency in the story between the dialogue on the U.S.S. Byzantine Deck 16 and Byzantine Bridge maps. The dialogue on the Bridge map regarding the disabling of the device follows the revelation that Jarpek was actually a hologram. This makes it seem as if the device the player disabled on the previous map somehow allowed Jarpek to fight using a hologram. That implication is the problem with the dialogue. If the device was linked to the holographic image of Jarpek, which is implied by the dialogue, then how would he still be able to fight as a hologram if the device was disabled? If the holographic Jarpek was not linked to the device then you should consider moving the dialogue that discusses the purpose of the device from the Byzantine Bridge map to the U.S.S. Byzantine Deck 16 map following the player disabling the device.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a nice description but you may want to add more of the story and less about the version updates. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-It is okay to have version updates but consider summarizing them as in the example;
2.3.1 - Dialog updates
2.3 - Addressed plot issue and story development
2.2 - Dialog fixes and character updates
2.1 - Fixed NPC placement
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the "after a long mission [MissionInfo](See: The Doomsday Device)[/MissionInfo]" to read "after dealing with the doomsday device".
Mission Task: This is a good use of the task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Deep Space: This is a good map with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-If you are going to use the warp streaks then consider changing your map orientation to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space then the "Weather Starstreaks North South 01" regardless of the players speed. The other issue is if the player is not lined up at precisely the right angle and altitude when the warp starts it looks odd. Perhaps remove the warp streaks altogether and have the player warp directly to the system when they engage the warp.
-The post Disable Communications Array dialogue; consider changing the response button "They won't know what hit him before it's too late" to read "They won't know what hit them".
-The map transfer text; consider changing "We're walking into an ambush" to read "We're walking into a trap".
U.S.S. Byzantine Deck 16: This is a good map with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-You have to cargo lifts in the first room where we engage the first enemy mob. They appear to be buried in the deck. If the intention is to make them seem unpowered and on the deck then raise them up a little more. Experiment with the Y axis settings and remember to disable the snap to grid function on the map when editing.
-The Energy Dampener Device seems quite large and looks odd. Consider selecting a smaller object to be the dampener, perhaps half the current size.
-The Lt. Cmdr Roberts dialogue; consider changing "Someone, anyone on this deck, please help us" to read "Someone please help us".
-Consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Let's go", or words to that effect.
-I realize the door selection in the Foundry is limited but consider changing the door to something other than a Klingon door.
-Having the player run all the way back across the map to access the turbo lift does not feel quite right. Consider removing the turbo lift located at the initial spawn point and change the wall door just outside of engineering to be the exit point for this map. If you did this you could add another raiding party to the room and hallway currently being covered by the turbolift.
Byzantine Bridge: This is a good map with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the Science BOFF dialogue "I dont want to know what would have happened if we didnt disable it in time" to read "I shudder to think of what might have happened had we not disable that device".
-The Captain Dravan dialogue; consider changing "but we were too outnumbered" to read "but we were outnumbered".
-Based on the dialogue regarding the dampener device on the previous map and this map there is a bit of a plot inconsistency. I will cover it in more detail in my summary.
Klingon Installation: This is a good map with challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 02/02/2014 on forum posting for: Extraction.
As always, I am glad I could help. Keep up the great work and thanks for authoring.
Brian
Uprising: Act III - Epsilon
ID: ST-HLZHDY566
Allegiance: Federation*
Level: All Levels
Language: English
Single player. Adding teammates may cause unexpected difficulties.
Estimated play time 60-90 minutes.
This mission is story-based and therefore contains heavy dialogue. However, it also contains both space and ground combat.*
This mission begins at the console outside of the transporter room on Earth Spacedock.
Summary:
Having been pushed to your breaking point by the Phoenix Dawn, you must find a way to get back into the fight. While you and your crew struggle to survive, Jok'lava continues his reign of terror on the Federation. You may be the last hope that Earth has left.
Starfleet is in its darkest hour. Do you have what it takes to figure out how to prevent total annihilation?
I just wanted to let you know because you thoroughly reviewed the first two parts. If you could review this one too, it'd be greatly appreciated. Thank you for all you do.
"The time has come to see the world as it is." - Captain James T. Kirk
Twitter - @SDVargo