I could never tell the difference between bards in D&D and NFL players. They both showboat every chance they get, they both dress in bright tights, they usually go down after only getting hit once, and they're really their best at running away from the enemy.
But if you kick them both below the belt hard enough, the bard will get a +2 to his Performance checks.
A wizard prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the wizard, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death.
He summoned the wizard and commanded him: "Prophet, tell me when you will die!"
The wizard realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. "I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later."
A party consisting of various undead is attacked by a white dragon female. She swoops in and picks up the half elf cleric who was also a lich in her mouth. After rolling the cleric around on her tongue and realizing that the prey is not something recommended to be eaten, she spits out the lich while flying. The lich manages to pass a concentration check to cast the stone to mud spell on the ground before impact. The rest of the party manages to drive the female dragon away.
A week later, a male white dragon attacks the party and scoops up the lich cleric in his mouth, after being told by his mate whom the party drove off that the lich cleric tasted great. Once again, the cleric became a lich loogie, but he was on the ground when he spat the cleric out. The death knight half orc barbarian then does 2 called shots on the male with his maul and drops the dragon on top of him. After the male flies off, calling for mommy in a high pitched voice, the barbarian then dropped a frost giant in 2 hits before yelling out, "NEXT!"
A drunken dwarf is asked to leave the tavern because he is getting too rowdy. Upset, the dwarf leaves out the front door. He walks around the building to the side door and comes back in.
"Give me a mead," he says.
"I'm sorry, you're too drunk. You need to leave," the drow barman says.
"Okay," said the dwarf.
Muttering to himself, he leaves out the side door. He walks around the back of the tavern and comes back in.
"Give me a mead," he shouts.
"You're drunk. Get out of here," says the drow barman.
"Fine," said the dwarf.
The dwarf leaves out of the door he came in. He walks around to the other side and comes in the other side door.
Give me some mead, please," the dwarf says more cautiously than before.
"No, you are drunk. Leave!" said the drow barman.
The dwarf responds, "All right. All right. I'm going. Just one thing before I leave, though: how many taverns do you work at?"
0
Options
sn00giep00Member, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
I can't take credit for the brilliance in this story, but here it is:
(Full disclosure: This story is lifted verbatim from http://www.blindpanic.com/humor/vecna.htm ) I in NO WAY am saying I made this story up. Hell, if this disqualifies me from the contest, then so be it. It's just a funny story and I wanted to share it.
THE HEAD OF VECNA
Many years ago (back when we all were still playing D & D), I ran a game where I pitted two groups against each other.
Several members of Group One came up with the idea of luring Group Two into a trap. You remember the Hand of Vecna and the Eye of Vecna that were artifacts in the old D&D world where if you cut off your hand (or your eye) and replaced it with the Hand of Vecna (or the Eye) you'd get new awesome powers? Well, Group One thought up The Head of Vecna.
Group One spread rumors all over the countryside (even paying Bards to spread the word about this artifact rumored to exist nearby). They even went so far as to get a real head and place it under some weak traps to help with the illusion. Unfortunately, they forgot to let ALL the members of their group in on the secret plan (I suspect it was because they didn't want the Druid to get caught and tell the enemy about this trap of theirs, or maybe because they didn't want him messing with things).
The Druid in group One heard about this new artifact and went off in search of it himself (I believe to help prove himself to the party members...) Well, after much trial and tribulation, he found it; deactivated (or set off) all the traps; and took his "prize" off into the woods for examination. He discovered that it did not radiate magic (a well known trait of artifacts) and smiled gleefully.
I wasn't really worried since he was alone and I knew that there was no way he could CUT HIS OWN HEAD OFF. Alas I was mistaken as the Druid promptly summoned some carnivorous apes and instructed them to use his own scimitar and cut his head off (and of course quickly replacing it with the Head of Vecna...)
Some time later, Group one decided to find the Druid and to check on the trap. They found the headless body (and the two heads) and realized that they had erred in their plan (besides laughing at the character who had played the Druid)...The Head of Vecna still had BOTH eyes! They corrected this mistake and reset their traps and the Head for it's real intended victims...
Group Two, by this time, had heard of the powerful artifact and decided that it bore investigating since, if true, they could use it to destroy Group One. After much trial and tribulation, they found the resting place of The Head of Vecna! The were particularly impressed with the cunning traps surrounding the site (one almost missed his save against the weakest poison known to man). They recovered the Head and made off to a safe area.
Group Two actually CAME TO BLOWS (several rounds of fighting) against each other argueing over WHO WOULD GET THEIR HEAD CUT OFF! Several greedy players had to be hurt and restrained before it was decided who would be the recipient of the great powers bestowed by the Head... The magician was selected and one of them promptly cut his head off. As the player was lifting The Head of Vecna to emplace it on it's new body, another argument broke out and they spent several minutes shouting and yelling. Then, finally, they put the Head onto the character.
Well, of course, the Head simply fell off the lifeless body. All members of Group Two began yelling and screaming at each other (and at me) and then, on their own, decided that they had let too much time pass between cutting off the head of a hopeful recipient and put the Head of Vecna onto the body.
SO THEY DID IT AGAIN!... [killing another PC]
In closing, it should be said that I never even cracked a smile as all this was going on. After the second PC was slaughtered, I had to give in (my side was hurting)...
And Group Two blamed ME for all of that...
0
Options
dainogas1Member, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 5Arc User
edited May 2013
Why did the werewolf cross the road?
Cause the developers programmed a pre-designated path for him
0
Options
breastloverMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Hero UsersPosts: 1Arc User
edited May 2013
Neverwinter: Always Summer Days Expansion
Here comes the sun! After the war against evil has finally come to an end, Amaunator, the god of sun and time, has celebrated by creating an oasis of utopia and just plain good times for all to enjoy!
Always Summer Days features an all-new world that will appeal to old and new players alike, who don't like dying, fighting, and having to laboriously and mercilessly slay harmless rats for negligible coin. Instead, you will be hanging out with your best friends, running around opening treasure chests full of free epic and legendary items among the islands and beachs of Summeria!
Class abilities will be the most profound renovation in Neverwinter: Always Summer Days, and represents a revolutionary step forward for massively multiplayer gaming. As the need for combat has completely ceased, each class has to put their skills to maximize enjoyment while sipping on their favorite flagon of mead.
CABANA BOY: The guardian fighter has turned in their board and sword for an umbrella and drinks, keeping party members refreshed while also making sure they're getting a safe sun bath! Sun Block: Add +20% sun block to targeted party member, allowing for a more even tan.(Requires: soft, yet strong hands)
TOUR GUIDE: The great weapon fighter is taking their own two hands to help party members live off of the land and in the wild, using advanced surival techniques. Transmute <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font>: Squeeze a big pile of <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font>, generating 5 drops of water.(Requires: two-hands)
BARTENDER: The devoted claric has turned in their collar for hollar at the local Summerian pub, serving every refreshment from ales and stouts, to new-age potion and herb concoctions. Neutral Bomb: Drop a shot of tidespan recovery potion into a glass of dark Neverwinter stout and... don't really feel a thing!(Requires: Bartending app for your smartphone)
STREET MAGICIAN: The trickster rogue, no longer needing to steal from others and stab people in the back, now makes a living performing magic tricks to the citizens of Summeria as a street magician. Card trick: Amaze your friends by always choosing the card they picked "randomly" from your special playing deck!(Requires: Sleight of hand)
STAGE MAGICIAN: The control wizard laughs at street magicians who have to perform magic tricks up close with people - possibly ruinig their secrets - while the stage magician knows actual magic. Like real, literal, sorcerous magic. Yea, definitely roll stage and not street. Card shuffle: Discreetly, using real magic, shuffle all the cards in a street magician's deck just before they show the card the audience DiDN'T pick! LMAO!(Requires: Innate magic genes and extreme prejudice for lesser non-magic classes)
0
Options
inyorfeisMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
Why do elfs allways have long hair?
Because long ears and barbers don't fit right.
What do you call an orphan who has had his soul placed inside of a weapon?
A B@stard sword.
0
Options
melodarMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 1Arc User
edited May 2013
This huge female orc enters a human tavern with a Dire Boar under her arm. She walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks "What are you doing with that ugly, dirty, smelly thing?"
The orc's eyes go red with fury but she holds her tongue and continues to drink.
The bartender says "No seriously what are you doing hanging out with such a disgusting creature?"
Steam seems to come from the orc's ears she reaches across and grabs the bartender and screams with spittle flying everywhere, "This is a noble animal don't you dare begrudge him! You owe Glarf here an apology!"
The bartender begins to stammer from fear, "An an apol apology?! Why should I apologize to the boar! I was talking to the boar!"
A Tiefling and a halfling walk into a bar with their son...mean time a young orc looks over and asks his dad..."what is that over there?" the young orcs father replies..."oh nothing son, thats just trifling"
I'd like 20 sides with my dwarfburger... no onions.
Cats4gold - Now buying cats for gold! We want big cats, little cats, fat cats, fast cats! Just turn in your used and junk cats for that shiny fresh gold! We process cats to the highest purity in our own facility, and guarantee top dollar for yours! We also exchange cats for diamonds at our jewelry exchange!
Yo' momma so fat 20 sides isn't enough!
Pickup lines:
God must have rolled a 100 when he made you...
I must have 20/20 vision, cause baby, there isn't a better side...
Look at what the cat dragged in...
Real science: Cryptic Studios decrypts diamond mystery!
Most diamonds are formed at high temperature and pressure at depths of 140 to 190 kilometers (87 to 120 mi) in Neverwinter's mantle. Carbon-containing minerals provide the carbon source, and the growth occurs over periods from 1 day to 3.3 billion years (.000000000001% to 75% of the age of the Earth). These are brought close to Neverwinter′s surface through deep volcanic eruptions by magma or gateways to hell, which cool into igneous rocks known as astral diamonds, and rough astral diamonds. These diamonds sometimes can also be produced synthetically in a high-pressure, high-temperature process which approximately simulates the conditions in destroying the economy via overproduction due to exploits or hacking. Special gemological techniques have been developed to distinguish natural and synthetic diamonds and diamond stimulants, and after much scrutiny of Cryptic Studios gem certification programs.
Another alternative of diamond production, and completely different growth technique, is negative auction synthesis; AKA: Catastrophe. This method includes combining several non-cat materials into what is called a Scat. The Scat is identical in appearance and properties to a cat. However, Scats can start a carbon-destructive process known as Catastrophe. Catastrophe takes place when a subatomic astral-vortex radiation node emitted by Scats hits critical mass. The fallout of this event separates diamond molecules at a ratio of 5,000,000:1 via atomic bonds, while simultaneously displacing mass quantities of astral diamonds into the pockets of previously negative wallet spaces scattered throughout the universe. Just 1 scat can destroy or displace 5 million times it's weight in astral diamonds! The cause of Catastrophe was previously undetectable - until now! Cryptic Studios also has announced they have developed a method of DNA analysis and astral-vortex radiation early-detection to detect and destroy Scats. This will prevent the selling of non-purebreds in the future, thus stopping the breeding of Scats and halting the triggering of another Catastrophe.
They say Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder...
But I am pretty sure it is a ray of paralyzation
0
Options
damaind34Member, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 1Arc User
edited May 2013
A GWF, TR, CW, GF, and cleric get to the final boss, they run in to fight and all die. The cleric asks, "Who lost aggro?" The rest of the group respond... "your Tanking companion..."
An Elf , Human and Half-Orc went exploring in Blacklake. While
looking around they found a mirror, which had an inscription on the side
that said "Welcome, say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish.
But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the
mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The Elf walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I am the smartest of us three,"
and in an instant he was surrounded by Gold.
The Human stepped up and said, "I think I am the strongest of us three," and a Powerful Sword suddenly
appeared in his hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the Half-Orc looked into the
mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror...
Comments
I could never tell the difference between bards in D&D and NFL players. They both showboat every chance they get, they both dress in bright tights, they usually go down after only getting hit once, and they're really their best at running away from the enemy.
But if you kick them both below the belt hard enough, the bard will get a +2 to his Performance checks.
He summoned the wizard and commanded him: "Prophet, tell me when you will die!"
The wizard realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave. "I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later."
A: Five. 1 to hold the bulb and 4 to drink until the room spins.
A: It didn't know what ONE came first...
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
A: Pregnant.
Who's There?
Dwarf.
Dwarf who?
A Dwarf who cant reach the doorbell.
A week later, a male white dragon attacks the party and scoops up the lich cleric in his mouth, after being told by his mate whom the party drove off that the lich cleric tasted great. Once again, the cleric became a lich loogie, but he was on the ground when he spat the cleric out. The death knight half orc barbarian then does 2 called shots on the male with his maul and drops the dragon on top of him. After the male flies off, calling for mommy in a high pitched voice, the barbarian then dropped a frost giant in 2 hits before yelling out, "NEXT!"
"Give me a mead," he says.
"I'm sorry, you're too drunk. You need to leave," the drow barman says.
"Okay," said the dwarf.
Muttering to himself, he leaves out the side door. He walks around the back of the tavern and comes back in.
"Give me a mead," he shouts.
"You're drunk. Get out of here," says the drow barman.
"Fine," said the dwarf.
The dwarf leaves out of the door he came in. He walks around to the other side and comes in the other side door.
Give me some mead, please," the dwarf says more cautiously than before.
"No, you are drunk. Leave!" said the drow barman.
The dwarf responds, "All right. All right. I'm going. Just one thing before I leave, though: how many taverns do you work at?"
(Full disclosure: This story is lifted verbatim from http://www.blindpanic.com/humor/vecna.htm ) I in NO WAY am saying I made this story up. Hell, if this disqualifies me from the contest, then so be it. It's just a funny story and I wanted to share it.
THE HEAD OF VECNA
Many years ago (back when we all were still playing D & D), I ran a game where I pitted two groups against each other.
Several members of Group One came up with the idea of luring Group Two into a trap. You remember the Hand of Vecna and the Eye of Vecna that were artifacts in the old D&D world where if you cut off your hand (or your eye) and replaced it with the Hand of Vecna (or the Eye) you'd get new awesome powers? Well, Group One thought up The Head of Vecna.
Group One spread rumors all over the countryside (even paying Bards to spread the word about this artifact rumored to exist nearby). They even went so far as to get a real head and place it under some weak traps to help with the illusion. Unfortunately, they forgot to let ALL the members of their group in on the secret plan (I suspect it was because they didn't want the Druid to get caught and tell the enemy about this trap of theirs, or maybe because they didn't want him messing with things).
The Druid in group One heard about this new artifact and went off in search of it himself (I believe to help prove himself to the party members...) Well, after much trial and tribulation, he found it; deactivated (or set off) all the traps; and took his "prize" off into the woods for examination. He discovered that it did not radiate magic (a well known trait of artifacts) and smiled gleefully.
I wasn't really worried since he was alone and I knew that there was no way he could CUT HIS OWN HEAD OFF. Alas I was mistaken as the Druid promptly summoned some carnivorous apes and instructed them to use his own scimitar and cut his head off (and of course quickly replacing it with the Head of Vecna...)
Some time later, Group one decided to find the Druid and to check on the trap. They found the headless body (and the two heads) and realized that they had erred in their plan (besides laughing at the character who had played the Druid)...The Head of Vecna still had BOTH eyes! They corrected this mistake and reset their traps and the Head for it's real intended victims...
Group Two, by this time, had heard of the powerful artifact and decided that it bore investigating since, if true, they could use it to destroy Group One. After much trial and tribulation, they found the resting place of The Head of Vecna! The were particularly impressed with the cunning traps surrounding the site (one almost missed his save against the weakest poison known to man). They recovered the Head and made off to a safe area.
Group Two actually CAME TO BLOWS (several rounds of fighting) against each other argueing over WHO WOULD GET THEIR HEAD CUT OFF! Several greedy players had to be hurt and restrained before it was decided who would be the recipient of the great powers bestowed by the Head... The magician was selected and one of them promptly cut his head off. As the player was lifting The Head of Vecna to emplace it on it's new body, another argument broke out and they spent several minutes shouting and yelling. Then, finally, they put the Head onto the character.
Well, of course, the Head simply fell off the lifeless body. All members of Group Two began yelling and screaming at each other (and at me) and then, on their own, decided that they had let too much time pass between cutting off the head of a hopeful recipient and put the Head of Vecna onto the body.
SO THEY DID IT AGAIN!... [killing another PC]
In closing, it should be said that I never even cracked a smile as all this was going on. After the second PC was slaughtered, I had to give in (my side was hurting)...
And Group Two blamed ME for all of that...
Cause the developers programmed a pre-designated path for him
Here comes the sun! After the war against evil has finally come to an end, Amaunator, the god of sun and time, has celebrated by creating an oasis of utopia and just plain good times for all to enjoy!
Always Summer Days features an all-new world that will appeal to old and new players alike, who don't like dying, fighting, and having to laboriously and mercilessly slay harmless rats for negligible coin. Instead, you will be hanging out with your best friends, running around opening treasure chests full of free epic and legendary items among the islands and beachs of Summeria!
Class abilities will be the most profound renovation in Neverwinter: Always Summer Days, and represents a revolutionary step forward for massively multiplayer gaming. As the need for combat has completely ceased, each class has to put their skills to maximize enjoyment while sipping on their favorite flagon of mead.
CABANA BOY: The guardian fighter has turned in their board and sword for an umbrella and drinks, keeping party members refreshed while also making sure they're getting a safe sun bath!
Sun Block: Add +20% sun block to targeted party member, allowing for a more even tan. (Requires: soft, yet strong hands)
TOUR GUIDE: The great weapon fighter is taking their own two hands to help party members live off of the land and in the wild, using advanced surival techniques.
Transmute <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font>: Squeeze a big pile of <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font>, generating 5 drops of water. (Requires: two-hands)
BARTENDER: The devoted claric has turned in their collar for hollar at the local Summerian pub, serving every refreshment from ales and stouts, to new-age potion and herb concoctions.
Neutral Bomb: Drop a shot of tidespan recovery potion into a glass of dark Neverwinter stout and... don't really feel a thing! (Requires: Bartending app for your smartphone)
STREET MAGICIAN: The trickster rogue, no longer needing to steal from others and stab people in the back, now makes a living performing magic tricks to the citizens of Summeria as a street magician.
Card trick: Amaze your friends by always choosing the card they picked "randomly" from your special playing deck! (Requires: Sleight of hand)
STAGE MAGICIAN: The control wizard laughs at street magicians who have to perform magic tricks up close with people - possibly ruinig their secrets - while the stage magician knows actual magic. Like real, literal, sorcerous magic. Yea, definitely roll stage and not street.
Card shuffle: Discreetly, using real magic, shuffle all the cards in a street magician's deck just before they show the card the audience DiDN'T pick! LMAO! (Requires: Innate magic genes and extreme prejudice for lesser non-magic classes)
Because long ears and barbers don't fit right.
When did I get a freaking mirror?
Q: Who's the shortest race in NeverWinter? A: Humans, they only get 3 feat.
Q: What's the best way to get adventurers into a dungeon? A: Treasure.
Q: What's the best way to get adventurers out of a dungeon? A: Dragon.
Q: How many gnomes does it take to change a candle in NeverWinter? A: ...
The waitress asks if she could take their order.
The Dwarf says: "I'll take a 24oz steak. Rare. With a bottle of Dragonfire."
The Waitress responds, "And what about the vegetable?"
The Dwarf looks at the elf and growls, "He'll take the steak too, and HE'LL LIKE IT!"
"That's so wonderful! It looks so great!"
They couldn't stop talking about it. Little did they know it wasn't quite an epic type of mount, but it still looked amazing.
"If you think this is nice, my other mount is a 110%."
A Dungeons & Dragons/Neverwinter lore Foundry mission with comedy:
Black Heart's Barbecue Dilemma
NW-DRPVSMKAV
Submitted to Cryptic Version 4.1b.
A B@stard sword.
The orc's eyes go red with fury but she holds her tongue and continues to drink.
The bartender says "No seriously what are you doing hanging out with such a disgusting creature?"
Steam seems to come from the orc's ears she reaches across and grabs the bartender and screams with spittle flying everywhere, "This is a noble animal don't you dare begrudge him! You owe Glarf here an apology!"
The bartender begins to stammer from fear, "An an apol apology?! Why should I apologize to the boar! I was talking to the boar!"
Cats4gold - Now buying cats for gold! We want big cats, little cats, fat cats, fast cats! Just turn in your used and junk cats for that shiny fresh gold! We process cats to the highest purity in our own facility, and guarantee top dollar for yours! We also exchange cats for diamonds at our jewelry exchange!
Yo' momma so fat 20 sides isn't enough!
Pickup lines:
God must have rolled a 100 when he made you...
I must have 20/20 vision, cause baby, there isn't a better side...
Look at what the cat dragged in...
Real science: Cryptic Studios decrypts diamond mystery!
Most diamonds are formed at high temperature and pressure at depths of 140 to 190 kilometers (87 to 120 mi) in Neverwinter's mantle. Carbon-containing minerals provide the carbon source, and the growth occurs over periods from 1 day to 3.3 billion years (.000000000001% to 75% of the age of the Earth). These are brought close to Neverwinter′s surface through deep volcanic eruptions by magma or gateways to hell, which cool into igneous rocks known as astral diamonds, and rough astral diamonds. These diamonds sometimes can also be produced synthetically in a high-pressure, high-temperature process which approximately simulates the conditions in destroying the economy via overproduction due to exploits or hacking. Special gemological techniques have been developed to distinguish natural and synthetic diamonds and diamond stimulants, and after much scrutiny of Cryptic Studios gem certification programs.
Another alternative of diamond production, and completely different growth technique, is negative auction synthesis; AKA: Catastrophe. This method includes combining several non-cat materials into what is called a Scat. The Scat is identical in appearance and properties to a cat. However, Scats can start a carbon-destructive process known as Catastrophe. Catastrophe takes place when a subatomic astral-vortex radiation node emitted by Scats hits critical mass. The fallout of this event separates diamond molecules at a ratio of 5,000,000:1 via atomic bonds, while simultaneously displacing mass quantities of astral diamonds into the pockets of previously negative wallet spaces scattered throughout the universe. Just 1 scat can destroy or displace 5 million times it's weight in astral diamonds! The cause of Catastrophe was previously undetectable - until now! Cryptic Studios also has announced they have developed a method of DNA analysis and astral-vortex radiation early-detection to detect and destroy Scats. This will prevent the selling of non-purebreds in the future, thus stopping the breeding of Scats and halting the triggering of another Catastrophe.
But I am pretty sure it is a ray of paralyzation
looking around they found a mirror, which had an inscription on the side
that said "Welcome, say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish.
But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the
mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"
The Elf walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I am the smartest of us three,"
and in an instant he was surrounded by Gold.
The Human stepped up and said, "I think I am the strongest of us three," and a Powerful Sword suddenly
appeared in his hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the Half-Orc looked into the
mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror...
So,I rolled into the quest and someone asked me,"So,you find the traps?".Then I said,"No,the Barbarian finds the traps,I just disable them".
Because they are filled with Zen.