I'm not sure this belongs in a humor thread but one of the most memorable memories I will keep from Neverwinter is an obscure quest in the Tower District. With all the fighting going on and the Nashers killing everyone on sight this old granny was knitting sweaters and wanted rabbit fur. Not coyote, not squirrel - had to be a bunny - she was quite rabid about it.
First one I brought her she said was no good. She thought she was God maybe? Only accepted animals without blemish. But she insisted that first one was a bugged bunny <sigh<. Finally I brought her 10 furs that she accepted and got my reward - which wasn't much the old biddy was cheap as well as crazy!
Must say that has been the most hare razing experience I've had in Neverwinter.
A human, an elf, and a dwarf walk into a bar, and each orders an ale.
The human receives his ale first, but a fly lands in it. And so the man flicks the fly away and continues with his merriment.
Then, the elf receives his ale but a fly also lands in it. Disgusted, the elf demands that a new, clean ale be brought to him to replace it.
Finally, the dwarf receives his ale and yet another fly spirals down into the mug. The dwarf quickly picks the fly up by its wings, shaking it and screaming, "SPIT IT ALL OUT YE LITTLE *******!"
GM: Passing through the trees you come to a clearing where a large group of goblins have set up camp, it appears they haven't noticed you yet. What do you do?
(Bard) Finn the exquisite: **singing** Dear Goblin friends, dear Goblin friends, please hear my song, we wish you no harm...
**Finn gets shot with arrows by the Goblins**
GM: **Rolls Dice** Yeeaahhh, you're dead.
(Warrior) Garvanious the bold: **holding stopwatch** At 20 minutes, 32 seconds. New personal best, Finn.:eek:
Finn the exquisite: There are so many places I could put that stopwatch Garvanious!:mad:
A Control Wizard starts singing... "Oh the weather outside is frightful..." meanwhile an enemy trickster slyly whispers to himself, "What an idiot, it's a beautiful day out." The CW then begins casting in the direction of the trickster... "ICE STORM!!" The trickster runs for his life but is too slow screaming "NOOOO!" as he becomes the center of a human snowstorm... the Control Wizard continues singing "but the fire is so delightful," as he conjures fire in his hand, passing the now frozen trickster.
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chelseacraftMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 8Arc User
edited May 2013
After a long day of battling Vallindra's minions, Sgt. Knox and Old Jerry were on their way to the tavern when they saw a suit of armor sitting by itself on the side of the lane.
Sgt. Knox said, "Hmmm, I wonder who could have left that there?"
To which Old Jerry replied, "I don't know, Knox, maybe he went out for the knight."
A dwarven guardian woman walks by a pet shop with a parrot in the window. The parrot says "Hey lady! You're ugly!" The woman gets all flustered and walks away quickly.
On her way back, she passes by the store again, and the parrot says "Hey lady! You're ugly!" Furious, she storms into the store and yells at the owner with all sorts of threats. He apologizes and says it won't happen again.
The next day, she walks by the store and the parrot says "Hey lady!" She looks over and says "Yes?", to which he replies "You know."
A buddy of mine had a beautifully crafted sword. It was given to his father in service of the Sun Elves. The craftsmanship was such that the name of the sword itself was Beauty. One day we were walking through the wood near an entrance to the Underdark. There was a fishing hole near-by that was virtually untouched for obvious reasons. My buddy asked me to watch his gear so he could answer the call of nature behind a tree.
No sooner does he get out of site, a huge Beholder spotted me and started to charge. In an desperate effort to save our lives, I grabbed his sword, closed my eyes, and thrust forward. The Beholder retreated, and shortly after my buddy re-appeared. He grabbed his gear and noticed his father's sword was missing. He asked me where is was, and I answered honestly.
"Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder" I said. We are no longer friends.
Q. How many dwarves does it take to change a candle?
A. One to remove it & put in a fresh one... And a whole party of dwarves to go capture a dragon to light it.
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underworldkoboldMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 1Arc User
edited May 2013
A man and his friend are talking about a Tavern.
The friend asks, "Have you been to the Drunken Dwarf Tavern?"
The man replies, "Aye, I have, it was so bad that I Neverwinter again!"
A tourist from the Wizards Coast sat shivering outside an inn in the middle of a sleeting rain storm. He was dressed in shorts and T-shirt, soaked to the bone, and looked utterly miserable. A passing elf noticed him and asked " Friend, I haven't see you here before. Why do you frown so, and why are you dressed in your undergarments" The Coast resident shook his head. "No" he cried "IM supposed to be on vacation. I wanted to go somewhere nice, cause ive lived underground all my life" The Elf nodded and sat down next to this strange visitor. "You see, its always cold where im from, so I asked a local tour guide where I could go for a vacation. He suggested here" The Elf nodded and asked " I understand the need to travel, but why dress so , in such flimsy garb?" The stranger from the bleak Wizards Coast bowed his head in embarrassment " I just wanted to go somewhere warm, but I think the guide misunderstood me when I asked him to send me where it was Never Winter..." Waa Waa Waaaaaaa
Now I have a story about a two Warrior Humans. Both are exceptional fighters. Out patrolling one day the two come across a caravan that looks beat up. As they get closer they notice some grotesque trolls eating the flesh of what apparently must have been the driver. The two take up arms give a hearty battle cry to tempus. As it turns out there are three trolls. Attacking relentlessly seeming fluid movements working in perfect coordination with one another. One would chop low with his long sword as the other with sword and shield would cover his back while exposed. The two made quick work of the trolls being thoroughly amused of their handy work. One of them gasps as he notices a troll finger clutched to his friends rear. The man yells, "Stop! Don't move! Don't move!". He removes the hand and makes sure he burns all the remains that are left. The man notices his dear friend in pain. "Must've been poison in them fingers!", the healthy man says. The man stricken moans from the agony. Another man falls from the tree trembling saying "Thank you for helping me. My poor wife did not make it though...". He sobs and the man notices the wound on the other. He begins to fumble in his pouch searching for something. He calls the healthy man to the side and says he has practice in medicine and herbs and can help. He tells the man to find exactly where the wound is. The man searches his friend and notices the small puncture on his rear. The sick man groans and asks how bad it is. The healthy man replies, "I've found help and we should be getting you good as new friend." The healthy man tells the driver where the wound is and he replies that, "It's early still. You must suck the poison out before it strikes your friend fully.". The man goes back to his friend and a look of horror is on his face. The sick man then asks, "What did he say?". The healthy man looks at him and shakes his head and then replies, "He said your going to die my friend."
SirLocust:mad:
Member since May 2013
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ikedateramusaMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
GWF walks into a bar and sees a jar of gold on the counter.
"What's this fer?" he asks the bartender.
The bartender responds, "Ye get the gold if ye complete 3 dangerous tasks, ye gotsta pay a gold before ye can try it though."
"Oh yea?" asks the GWF as he lays a golden coin on the counter.
"Step 1, see that orc over there," says the bartender, pointing to a large brute of an orc brooding in a dark corner, "knock him out in one punch."
"Step 2, there is a beholder in the basement scaring away all me rats. Ye needsta go down there an knock it's teeth out."
"And the final step?" asks the GWF.
"Step 3 here is to take ol' pappy into the other room en make sure he don't have no prostate cancer".
So the GWF gets up and strides across the room. He taps the orc on the shoulder and as the orc turns slugs him so hard the orc breaks a table as it falls motionless to the floor. The GWF smirks at the bartender and heads down to the basement.
A few minutes later the GWF walks back into the bar. He's bleeding from head to toe and covered in a strange goo.
"Now where's this old man that needs his teeth knocked out?"
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lucybrewerMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Hero UsersPosts: 1Arc User
edited May 2013
how can you tell if a ranger has broken into your house?
the cat is camping his corpse.
How many Dark Elves does it take to light a candle? None, they have night vision.
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warsirenMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 2Arc User
edited May 2013
Dwarf Joke:
An Elf walks into a Dwarven Bar....
Joke B:
A Fighter defeats a Dragon, the dragon in dramatic fashion over reacts it's death, the fighter grows impatient.. "Die already. You're really Dragon it out aren't you?."
Joke C:
You know what they say, Beauty is in the Eyes of the Beholder.
Comments
To attend to his duties in wizard101?!:eek:
First one I brought her she said was no good. She thought she was God maybe? Only accepted animals without blemish. But she insisted that first one was a bugged bunny <sigh<. Finally I brought her 10 furs that she accepted and got my reward - which wasn't much the old biddy was cheap as well as crazy!
Must say that has been the most hare razing experience I've had in Neverwinter.
The human receives his ale first, but a fly lands in it. And so the man flicks the fly away and continues with his merriment.
Then, the elf receives his ale but a fly also lands in it. Disgusted, the elf demands that a new, clean ale be brought to him to replace it.
Finally, the dwarf receives his ale and yet another fly spirals down into the mug. The dwarf quickly picks the fly up by its wings, shaking it and screaming, "SPIT IT ALL OUT YE LITTLE *******!"
Something worse than an arrow in the knee, I'll tell you that much!
It's going to be rated "Arrr".
[Dodges the rotten fruit]
GM: Passing through the trees you come to a clearing where a large group of goblins have set up camp, it appears they haven't noticed you yet. What do you do?
(Bard) Finn the exquisite: **singing** Dear Goblin friends, dear Goblin friends, please hear my song, we wish you no harm...
**Finn gets shot with arrows by the Goblins**
GM: **Rolls Dice** Yeeaahhh, you're dead.
(Warrior) Garvanious the bold: **holding stopwatch** At 20 minutes, 32 seconds. New personal best, Finn.:eek:
Finn the exquisite: There are so many places I could put that stopwatch Garvanious!:mad:
Friend: There should be a race called Ling
Me: Ling?
Friend: Yeah it's like a Half-ling but bigger
Me: You mean a Human?
Friend: *silence*
fix your ****ing game you god **** *** hats
Sgt. Knox said, "Hmmm, I wonder who could have left that there?"
To which Old Jerry replied, "I don't know, Knox, maybe he went out for the knight."
Don't worry though, Sgt. Knox tells you without fail every time, his jowels wiggling away:
PROTECTORS ENCLAVE.
On her way back, she passes by the store again, and the parrot says "Hey lady! You're ugly!" Furious, she storms into the store and yells at the owner with all sorts of threats. He apologizes and says it won't happen again.
The next day, she walks by the store and the parrot says "Hey lady!" She looks over and says "Yes?", to which he replies "You know."
No sooner does he get out of site, a huge Beholder spotted me and started to charge. In an desperate effort to save our lives, I grabbed his sword, closed my eyes, and thrust forward. The Beholder retreated, and shortly after my buddy re-appeared. He grabbed his gear and noticed his father's sword was missing. He asked me where is was, and I answered honestly.
"Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder" I said. We are no longer friends.
One.
But instead, he cast Magic Missile.. at the Darkness!
[Loud raucous nerdy laughter]
A. One to remove it & put in a fresh one... And a whole party of dwarves to go capture a dragon to light it.
The friend asks, "Have you been to the Drunken Dwarf Tavern?"
The man replies, "Aye, I have, it was so bad that I Neverwinter again!"
BA-DUM-TSH
It didn't, it was already on the other side!
"What's this fer?" he asks the bartender.
The bartender responds, "Ye get the gold if ye complete 3 dangerous tasks, ye gotsta pay a gold before ye can try it though."
"Oh yea?" asks the GWF as he lays a golden coin on the counter.
"Step 1, see that orc over there," says the bartender, pointing to a large brute of an orc brooding in a dark corner, "knock him out in one punch."
"Step 2, there is a beholder in the basement scaring away all me rats. Ye needsta go down there an knock it's teeth out."
"And the final step?" asks the GWF.
"Step 3 here is to take ol' pappy into the other room en make sure he don't have no prostate cancer".
So the GWF gets up and strides across the room. He taps the orc on the shoulder and as the orc turns slugs him so hard the orc breaks a table as it falls motionless to the floor. The GWF smirks at the bartender and heads down to the basement.
A few minutes later the GWF walks back into the bar. He's bleeding from head to toe and covered in a strange goo.
"Now where's this old man that needs his teeth knocked out?"
the cat is camping his corpse.
An Elf walks into a Dwarven Bar....
Joke B:
A Fighter defeats a Dragon, the dragon in dramatic fashion over reacts it's death, the fighter grows impatient.. "Die already. You're really Dragon it out aren't you?."
Joke C:
You know what they say, Beauty is in the Eyes of the Beholder.