freylkMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 1Arc User
edited May 2013
Three dwarves walk in to a tavern and belly up to the bar. "I'll have a dwarven ale" says the first one. "I'll have what he's havin" says the second one. "I'll have what me friends be havin" says the third. The waitress brings out a dwarven ale and sets one in front of each of them. "What the 'ell is this?" says the first dwarf. "Aye, what ye be doin?" says the second dwarf. "Can't ye count wench? says the third. As in unison they each say, "We told ye we wanted a dwarven ale, and what me friend be havin, and what me friends be havin. By our count ye owe us each another 2 ales in front of each one of us................
I was in the arena with low HP when a rogue ran up to me.
He used Cloud's Furry which was weird because the dagger got bigger and bigger then it hit me.
My trickster rogue, Ark, leaps from the shadows unleashing shocking execution upon his unwitting foe "It's knife to meet you"
*no response
"Well, shanks for your time!"
Dead Orc manages to groan...
A wizard and a barbarian walk into a dungeon when suddenly they happen upon a door, the barbarian lifts his warhammer to smash the door down when the wizard shouts "No Barbarian! It has a door handle! to which the Barbarian replies "WIZARD YOU SPEAK IN RIDDLES!" *CRASH BOOM*
Hire a Mercenary Finished.
[Mercenary]- Huh? what is this place? let me out!
[Adventurer]- You think you have it bad? I was put up for auction for five days, sold off against my will! And now I'm stuck in a place like this. Again!
[Hero]- Worry not, i will rescue you!
[Tailor]- Sigh... If only i could craft more bag space.
A Dwarf sobers up in a tavern. Tends to happen when they've been too drunk to order, or they fell asleep... but haven't been rowdy enough to end up in jail. He's feeling a little drained, and his mouth feels like he'd licked a cockatrice. Following his instincts, he tries to get a barmaid to serve him. First one's got a great rack, but no head. This sobers him up rather a lot. "Undead!" he shouts.
He feels an arm on his shoulder, and turns to find a very pale fellow. A very strong, pointy-teethed pale fellow. "Relax, friend. It's the festival."
"The what now?" The dwarf didn't relax, as his mother never raised any idiots that survived.
"The... you didn't know? Biggest event in the... okay, it's not a very big kingdom, but... oh, right, you were a bit, ah... deep in the cups. Well. I can bring you up to speed. Least I can do for what my wife did to you."
"Wait... what'd she..." his eyes widen and his hand goes to his neck, and comes away with two drops of blood. "Ye HAMSTER... you've turned me?"
"Nothing so dramatic. She had a thirst for something stout, alcoholic, and hard-hitting. So she'd carried you in."
"HAMSTER... will she come to finish me off?"
"Doubt it, the barkeep threw her out. No outside beverages." The vampire glanced at the curtains then. "I doubt we'll see her again before nightfall... if at all."
"****. Well... sorry to hear about the light of your... er, un-life. Um." Hungover dwarven diplomacy at its finest. "So, this... this festival?"
"Oh, right. 'Tis a seasonal thing, before the start of planting, after the last harvest. Local oracle's under some nasty curse, channels the soul of an ancient lich... well, there's a theory that the lich bound his phylactery to the family line or... something. Not important. He wasn't actually your typical arcane disaster infesting tombs. He was a brewer. I'm not sure if he, ah, epically pickled himself, or if he became undying in order to live long enough to brew the perfect drink."
"Sounds like my kind of fellow." The dwarf grinned and raised his mug... then realized it had to have been delivered by the quiet barmaid. But, as any dwarf knows... ale's ale.
"Heh. Well, not like I'm any stranger to being obsessed over drinking." The vampire's grin was not especially warm. The fangs are simply not built to comfort anyone. "But anyway, he ends up compelled to make this fantastic concoction that temporarily bestows undeath on those who drink it. So the town ends up, well... about like this, until everyone sobers up. Also tends to attract those like myself, greater and lesser undead."
"... Ahhh! To be temporarily alive, yes?"
"Close, actually, my warm-blooded drinking companion. The concoction just makes us drunk."
"... ah, what? Isn't that the point of all booze?" The dwarf finishes his drink, holds up a coin to signal for more.
"Er... chemically... erm. I..." The vampire struggles with phrasing for a moment, and points to a skeleton. "What's he going to drink with? No, dead men, they say we tell no tales, but honestly, it's just that you can't get us drunk."
"Ugh, so it is a fate worse than death."
"Well, might explain why you never run into dwarven liches."
"Heh. Might, at that. So, now... where do... no, nevermind. But what's this," He gestures at the menagerie of walking corpses, "called?"
"Oh, right. Guess you really had never heard of the Seer's semi-annual wight's ale."
The next time the dwarf came to, he was in a cell. Tends to happen, especially if he was barred from an establishment. Or dismantled a bard. Or both. He couldn't quite forget the pun, but worse than that, he was sober. This time, he had a cell to himself... which probably meant he'd been fighting. He leans on the bars, and looks across, into the dim of the cell opposite. "Oy! What'm I in for?"
A shape rustles in the dark. "What? What am I in for? Oh! You're not one of the guards."
"Nae. Well, no, not a guard. But I was askin' what I was in for. If ye'd heard. Probably was going to ask about ye next, if it'd pass the time."
"Might. Not sure about your reason though. Probably fighting or drunk, though. Something so boring they didn't think it worth mentioning." The shape moves closer to the bars of its cell... revealing a mostly spherical shape, hovering, and numerous eyestalks. "Me, they claim I'm a thief."
"A... a beholder... thief? What, they caught you stuffing bread down your trousers?"
"Heh. Good one. No, I was eyeing the merchandise."
The next time the dwarf regained consciousness... he heard there was a pun contest in a message board. "I'm sure everyone's going to take great care that they don't re-post the same **** joke a hundred times."
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therealtalMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Hero UsersPosts: 4Arc User
edited May 2013
A dwarf, an elf and a half-orc walk into a tavern. Says the bartender: "What is this, some kind of joke?"
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doofenshmirtMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
Neverwinter - 99 problems but a Lich ain't one... yet.
Talk between the GM and a friend, who was playing the halfling character trying badly to pick up some heavy object:
GM: - No way, you're not that strong. You fall.
Halfling: - Let me try one more time. *throws the dices* ...****.
GM: - Indeed, ****. Again, you fall.
Halfling: - But I wanna try again!
Elf: - Give it up, man. You'll fall for the third time and they'll nail you to the cross.
0
kinjokuMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 9Arc User
edited May 2013
April fools = Caturday Dungeon. Lich Queen Valindra's pet Mr Snuggles being the end dungeon mob with his league of undead astral cats that come back to life from the undead Auction House.
Skills- Fills your inventory with cats that are worth nothing anymore, disable you from picking up loot for 15 minutes in case of Mr. Snuggles dying.
AoE Attack- Tsunami of cats meowing at you with a pusback. Debuff added on called "Furball Lag" causing the players movement speed to be slowed down by 30% for 6 seconds.
Debuffs- No auction house for 5 days.
Enrage Timer if not beaten before certain time- You start back 7 hours before you engaged Mr Snuggles and lose any gear or levels that were not obtained prior to that time.
A Trickster Rogue walks into a bar... Everyone dies.
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mysianaMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 4Arc User
edited May 2013
Dwarf male: "I just don't understand human women."
Human Male: "That's not surprising, but why in particular"
Dwarf Male: "You compliment them one time on their beard and all of a sudden they don't want to talk to you anymore"
A party gather around their fallen enemy. A chant rises up. WE SLAYED THE ORC KING, WE SLAYED THE ORC KING, WE.... are never gonna have girlsfriends, are we?
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mysianaMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 4Arc User
edited May 2013
Human Fighter: "What happened to your face?"
Tiefling Mage: "I had a problem with a gust of wind spell"
Human FIghter: "By the gods, man. Half your face is burned and your eyebrows are gone how did you do that with a gust of wind?"
Mage: "See that priestess of Tempus over there?
Fighter: "Aye"
Mage: "Apparently she isn't wearing anything under her robes."
A human, an elf and a halfling are getting ready for a ride and buying horses in Neverwinter stables.
Elf tells halfling: Here's your pony.
Halfling: My what?
Human: Your little horse, shorty.
Halfling: Yeah, I could use some water.
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errahnMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 6Arc User
edited May 2013
Do you know where the first copper wire came from? Two Dwarves picked up a copper at the same time.
Wizard Davdak, Fruorin, and Frank sit down and order soup.
Davdak tastes his soup and finds it to be too hot, so he cast Freeze Ray to cool it off.
Fruorin says, "Thanks Davdak now my soup is too cold", so Fruorin casts Fireball to heat the soup up.
Frank just sits there and eats his soup quietly.
After a while of heating and cooling the soup with Freeze Ray and Fireball the waitress comes over and talks to Frank.
"Sir if you would please stop casting Freeze Rays and Fireballs, the other customers are starting to leave."
Frank responds "why are you asking me to stop its Davdak and Fruorin doing it."
The waitress with a puzzled look responds, "Who are Davdak and Fruorin?"
The wizard sits there and thinks for a second and then responds.
"Beats me who Davdak and Fruorin are, they just always seem to follow me around and get me into trouble. Although no one ever seems to be able to see them."
The waitress waits a moment and then responds, "sir you are the only one here."
The wizard angered by this gets up from his seat and storms out of the bar. As he leaves he says Davdak, Fruorin lets get out of here
this waitress is crazy."
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baeldrinahrMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 4Arc User
edited May 2013
Torgath poured the ale, knowing his companions were going to ask again.
Right on cue, Fethin asked in that nasal elven voice of his, "So come on, tell us. You said you would once we were out of the Ebon Downs. How does a Sembian junk slave wind up on the Sword Coast?"
Before he could protest, Three-Tusks slammed his ale horn down. "Yes! Story! Story time now!" What the half-orc lacked in etiquette and brains, he more than made up for in enthusiasm and biceps. There was no putting this off any longer.
"Fine," Torgath sighed. "Like I said before, I was a slave to a caravaneer before I came here. We gathered all manner of things and he always had me cleaning them whenever a spit and polish could earn more coin. It was long hours in a cramped wagon, wading through trash with a cleaning rag. I..."
"Story boring! Get to good part!"
"All right, just keep your teeth in. So this one day I'm cleaning this old lantern and it suddenly starts steaming. A huge cloud of smoke comes out of this lamp and there, in the middle of it, is this blue-skinned man. 'You have freed me!', the man says. 'So in return, I will free you. Where can I send you, slave-no-more?'
"So I thought about it and all I could think of was that I wanted to be far away and somewhere warm. 'I don't care where I go,' I told the blue man. 'Just somewhere a long way from Sembia and a long way from the cold. I'll take summer, I'll even take spring. But please, strange lamp man. Never winter."
Fethin and Three-Tusks stared at each other for a moment and fell out laughing.
"I swear, Torgath, you are the saddest human I have ever met..."
From an old Greyhawk based campaign I ran many years ago...the good city of Greyhawk had been incinerated save a few noble souls, orcs and dwarves were all that existed.
Question : So 'WHAT' do you get when you cross an orc with a dwarf??? Answer: You get a 'Dork'!!
galgraxMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 2Arc User
edited May 2013
What did the ghost in cragmire crypt had for breakfast?
booberry pie...
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lebroscavernMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 2Arc User
edited May 2013
Me: "LF1DPS for T2's! PST!"
Anonymous: "Hey! 14k GS GWF! Invite!"
Me: "Ok, invite on the wa.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"
Anonymous: "HAHAHAHAH! Yeah. I was just kidding. I'll go back to professions now. DPS, lol."
Me: "LMAO. Ok man. Take care. Thanks for the laughs."
True story. Fix GWF.
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lorearcaneloreMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 1Arc User
edited May 2013
Torm just punched his mailed fist through a death tyrant's eye? Looks like duty is in the eye of the beholder.
0
camclemonsMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Hero UsersPosts: 6Arc User
edited May 2013
What is Drizzt's signature cologne?
Icewind Smell!
0
ironseer123Member, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 8Arc User
edited May 2013
A half-orc tried to join Scar Company, but he was too ugly for their standards.
Comments
He used Cloud's Furry which was weird because the dagger got bigger and bigger then it hit me.
Unfed.
What do you call a panther with no sportsmanship?
Disgracer Beast.
*no response
"Well, shanks for your time!"
Dead Orc manages to groan...
Here lies Giles the adventurer.
His last words were:"Lets split up, were cover more ground that way!"
[Mercenary]- Huh? what is this place? let me out!
[Adventurer]- You think you have it bad? I was put up for auction for five days, sold off against my will! And now I'm stuck in a place like this. Again!
[Hero]- Worry not, i will rescue you!
[Tailor]- Sigh... If only i could craft more bag space.
He feels an arm on his shoulder, and turns to find a very pale fellow. A very strong, pointy-teethed pale fellow. "Relax, friend. It's the festival."
"The what now?" The dwarf didn't relax, as his mother never raised any idiots that survived.
"The... you didn't know? Biggest event in the... okay, it's not a very big kingdom, but... oh, right, you were a bit, ah... deep in the cups. Well. I can bring you up to speed. Least I can do for what my wife did to you."
"Wait... what'd she..." his eyes widen and his hand goes to his neck, and comes away with two drops of blood. "Ye HAMSTER... you've turned me?"
"Nothing so dramatic. She had a thirst for something stout, alcoholic, and hard-hitting. So she'd carried you in."
"HAMSTER... will she come to finish me off?"
"Doubt it, the barkeep threw her out. No outside beverages." The vampire glanced at the curtains then. "I doubt we'll see her again before nightfall... if at all."
"****. Well... sorry to hear about the light of your... er, un-life. Um." Hungover dwarven diplomacy at its finest. "So, this... this festival?"
"Oh, right. 'Tis a seasonal thing, before the start of planting, after the last harvest. Local oracle's under some nasty curse, channels the soul of an ancient lich... well, there's a theory that the lich bound his phylactery to the family line or... something. Not important. He wasn't actually your typical arcane disaster infesting tombs. He was a brewer. I'm not sure if he, ah, epically pickled himself, or if he became undying in order to live long enough to brew the perfect drink."
"Sounds like my kind of fellow." The dwarf grinned and raised his mug... then realized it had to have been delivered by the quiet barmaid. But, as any dwarf knows... ale's ale.
"Heh. Well, not like I'm any stranger to being obsessed over drinking." The vampire's grin was not especially warm. The fangs are simply not built to comfort anyone. "But anyway, he ends up compelled to make this fantastic concoction that temporarily bestows undeath on those who drink it. So the town ends up, well... about like this, until everyone sobers up. Also tends to attract those like myself, greater and lesser undead."
"... Ahhh! To be temporarily alive, yes?"
"Close, actually, my warm-blooded drinking companion. The concoction just makes us drunk."
"... ah, what? Isn't that the point of all booze?" The dwarf finishes his drink, holds up a coin to signal for more.
"Er... chemically... erm. I..." The vampire struggles with phrasing for a moment, and points to a skeleton. "What's he going to drink with? No, dead men, they say we tell no tales, but honestly, it's just that you can't get us drunk."
"Ugh, so it is a fate worse than death."
"Well, might explain why you never run into dwarven liches."
"Heh. Might, at that. So, now... where do... no, nevermind. But what's this," He gestures at the menagerie of walking corpses, "called?"
"Oh, right. Guess you really had never heard of the Seer's semi-annual wight's ale."
The next time the dwarf came to, he was in a cell. Tends to happen, especially if he was barred from an establishment. Or dismantled a bard. Or both. He couldn't quite forget the pun, but worse than that, he was sober. This time, he had a cell to himself... which probably meant he'd been fighting. He leans on the bars, and looks across, into the dim of the cell opposite. "Oy! What'm I in for?"
A shape rustles in the dark. "What? What am I in for? Oh! You're not one of the guards."
"Nae. Well, no, not a guard. But I was askin' what I was in for. If ye'd heard. Probably was going to ask about ye next, if it'd pass the time."
"Might. Not sure about your reason though. Probably fighting or drunk, though. Something so boring they didn't think it worth mentioning." The shape moves closer to the bars of its cell... revealing a mostly spherical shape, hovering, and numerous eyestalks. "Me, they claim I'm a thief."
"A... a beholder... thief? What, they caught you stuffing bread down your trousers?"
"Heh. Good one. No, I was eyeing the merchandise."
The next time the dwarf regained consciousness... he heard there was a pun contest in a message board. "I'm sure everyone's going to take great care that they don't re-post the same **** joke a hundred times."
GM: - No way, you're not that strong. You fall.
Halfling: - Let me try one more time. *throws the dices* ...****.
GM: - Indeed, ****. Again, you fall.
Halfling: - But I wanna try again!
Elf: - Give it up, man. You'll fall for the third time and they'll nail you to the cross.
Skills- Fills your inventory with cats that are worth nothing anymore, disable you from picking up loot for 15 minutes in case of Mr. Snuggles dying.
AoE Attack- Tsunami of cats meowing at you with a pusback. Debuff added on called "Furball Lag" causing the players movement speed to be slowed down by 30% for 6 seconds.
Debuffs- No auction house for 5 days.
Enrage Timer if not beaten before certain time- You start back 7 hours before you engaged Mr Snuggles and lose any gear or levels that were not obtained prior to that time.
Have fun
Human Male: "That's not surprising, but why in particular"
Dwarf Male: "You compliment them one time on their beard and all of a sudden they don't want to talk to you anymore"
Tiefling Mage: "I had a problem with a gust of wind spell"
Human FIghter: "By the gods, man. Half your face is burned and your eyebrows are gone how did you do that with a gust of wind?"
Mage: "See that priestess of Tempus over there?
Fighter: "Aye"
Mage: "Apparently she isn't wearing anything under her robes."
Elf tells halfling: Here's your pony.
Halfling: My what?
Human: Your little horse, shorty.
Halfling: Yeah, I could use some water.
Davdak tastes his soup and finds it to be too hot, so he cast Freeze Ray to cool it off.
Fruorin says, "Thanks Davdak now my soup is too cold", so Fruorin casts Fireball to heat the soup up.
Frank just sits there and eats his soup quietly.
After a while of heating and cooling the soup with Freeze Ray and Fireball the waitress comes over and talks to Frank.
"Sir if you would please stop casting Freeze Rays and Fireballs, the other customers are starting to leave."
Frank responds "why are you asking me to stop its Davdak and Fruorin doing it."
The waitress with a puzzled look responds, "Who are Davdak and Fruorin?"
The wizard sits there and thinks for a second and then responds.
"Beats me who Davdak and Fruorin are, they just always seem to follow me around and get me into trouble. Although no one ever seems to be able to see them."
The waitress waits a moment and then responds, "sir you are the only one here."
The wizard angered by this gets up from his seat and storms out of the bar. As he leaves he says Davdak, Fruorin lets get out of here
this waitress is crazy."
Right on cue, Fethin asked in that nasal elven voice of his, "So come on, tell us. You said you would once we were out of the Ebon Downs. How does a Sembian junk slave wind up on the Sword Coast?"
Before he could protest, Three-Tusks slammed his ale horn down. "Yes! Story! Story time now!" What the half-orc lacked in etiquette and brains, he more than made up for in enthusiasm and biceps. There was no putting this off any longer.
"Fine," Torgath sighed. "Like I said before, I was a slave to a caravaneer before I came here. We gathered all manner of things and he always had me cleaning them whenever a spit and polish could earn more coin. It was long hours in a cramped wagon, wading through trash with a cleaning rag. I..."
"Story boring! Get to good part!"
"All right, just keep your teeth in. So this one day I'm cleaning this old lantern and it suddenly starts steaming. A huge cloud of smoke comes out of this lamp and there, in the middle of it, is this blue-skinned man. 'You have freed me!', the man says. 'So in return, I will free you. Where can I send you, slave-no-more?'
"So I thought about it and all I could think of was that I wanted to be far away and somewhere warm. 'I don't care where I go,' I told the blue man. 'Just somewhere a long way from Sembia and a long way from the cold. I'll take summer, I'll even take spring. But please, strange lamp man. Never winter."
Fethin and Three-Tusks stared at each other for a moment and fell out laughing.
"I swear, Torgath, you are the saddest human I have ever met..."
Dead.
A dork!!!
just a quick laugh.
Question : So 'WHAT' do you get when you cross an orc with a dwarf???
Answer: You get a 'Dork'!!
booberry pie...
Anonymous: "Hey! 14k GS GWF! Invite!"
Me: "Ok, invite on the wa.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"
Anonymous: "HAHAHAHAH! Yeah. I was just kidding. I'll go back to professions now. DPS, lol."
Me: "LMAO. Ok man. Take care. Thanks for the laughs."
True story. Fix GWF.
Icewind Smell!