A group of three adventurers cut down hundreds of devils in the Lair of the Mad Dragon. The group finally comes across a campfire next to a large iron gate. The Great Weapon Fighter and the Trickster Rogue peek through the bars and see a dragon.
"Is this the end of the dungeon?" asks the Control Wizard.
"Well that's a dragon on the other side of the gate. If he's mad, then this is the end." says the Fighter.
"And if he's not?" asks the Wizard.
"Then we've got the wrong address." says the Fighter.
The Rogue peeks through the gates again and says
"He doesn't look mad to me."
The Fighter sighs sheathing his sword and says
"Well group, everyone set your diplomacy skills, cause we got a lot of explaining to do."
My friends and I were involved in a campaign, with me as DM, and my friends a sorcerer, a cleric, and a fighter. The party had just reached their reward at the end of a scenario, which they discovered was cursed to become extremely hot when touched, hot enough to burn through the fabric of their clothing and satchels. The cleric, in his infinite wisdom, then attempted to flick a few coins into his pocket without touching them. He placed the coins in his pocket, but failed his skill check to avoid touching them physically. This prompted one of the strangest question I've ever been asked as a Dungeon Master:
We killed the dragon! We killed the Dragon! We ... we're never going to have girlfriends, are we?
or
for the goblins the orcs are powerfull enemys
for the orcs the goblins are smart and dangerous rivals
for our party they are around 45 XP''
and finally
An orc walks into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder and the bartender says "Wow, that's really neat. Where'd you get it?"
Besnell of Silvermoon, Belwar Dissengulp, and Bruenor Battlehammer were visiting the Wayfarer's Rest Tavern in Silvermoon at the same time, and they all happen to be in the bathroom together.
Besnell finishes first and goes to wash his hands. He washes his hands thoroughly, all the way up to the elbows. Then he turns to the others and says "We elves are the greatest race, for we are always clean." with the sneering superiority only an elf can muster.
By this time Belwar had finished and he goes and washes just the tips of his fingers (this is before his hands were cut off mind you). Then he turns to the others and says "We gnomes are the greatest race, because we are frugal and conservative."
Then Bruenor finishes, and on his way out of the bathroom tells the other two: "Dwarves are the greatest race because we don't urinate on ourselves!."
metrynMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
So I was sitting outside after reading this and thought up like...1 thing and it made me chuckle and it turned into this:
A Control Wizard and a Great Fighter were having a drink,
when the powerful wizard looked over with a wink.
He said, "I'm a great wizard, beyond other mortal men."
"I strangle my enemies and their next of kin."
"I burn them and bash them with the arcane,"
while teaching new adventurers much of the same."
"I am so great that I create spells while laying in bed,
why on earth would a group invite you instead?"
The great fighter with nothing but strength and constitution
began to fumble a way through a verbal solution.
Without a reroll, retraining, or buffs he wasn't that smart,
so he looked at the wizard and said "I'll show you my art"
He grabbed his two handed weapon off his back
and finished the last morsel of his snack.
He stood in front of the wizard, tall and proud,
while all around him gathered a crowd.
He looked around with a smile on his face
and brought his weapon down and split the wizard two ways.
The moral of this story, my dear children,
is that some of the classes' skills are hidden.
Ice storms and magic fire can riddle your foes,
leaving them in painful, agonizing death throes,
But any idiot that slams a brick into your head,
can still leave you just as stone cold dead.
A group of characters are standing around near the market, chatting away about Astral Diamonds and the costs on the Auction Market.
Suddenly another character shows up and asks if he could borrow some gold to get a few healing potions and some kits.
The group all turn and look at the new comer.
Then one says: "There is gold in this game?"
Power without Perception is Spiritually useless and therefore of no true value.
Ok, so this isn't so much a joke as a great D&D memory from ages past. In the early 80's my gaming group consisted of a dim-witted human Fighter "Morgor" played by Bob, a shifty elf rogue "Philgo" played by Keith, a gnome magic-user "Mazaaz" played by Jerry and a dwarven cleric "Grimmik" played by Dave. I was the DM.
Now I always gave full marks and EXP to players when they would role-play their characters, despite their shortcomings. Morgor's INT was 7, and Bob played it to the hilt. It took the group a few times to finally stop him from throwing down his sword and shield in the heat of battle and start waving his arms like "Mazaaz" as he said: "to make the sparkly lights".
Keith's rogue played upon Morgor's dimwittedness at every opportunity. While they were adventuring in what I believe was the Drow Series, having just completed the "Against the Giants" modules, and Philgo convincing Morgor to pass on the "Girdle of Giant Strength" because "only girls wear girdles, Morgor" Bob's patience at being the butt of many jokes and the last to get any decent treasure I could tell was wearing thin. The party came upon a room with a Lich guarding a grand treasure. After dispatching the undead beast and discovering the mound of treasure, Mazaaz and Grimmik set forth prepared their spells to detect magic and evil (a standard practice before treasure is divided), however Morgor's and Philgo's eyes both fell upon a great bejeweled crown. Without hesitation, Morgor exclaimed "MINE!" rushed across the room and grabbed the crown, with Bob standing up at the table proclaiming to the rest of the players: "I crown me King Morgor!" and placed the crown upon his head. I felt so bad for the guy after failing his saving throw to inform him it would not come off. Yes, the crown was cursed, and would slowly turn him into a ogress (I changed the curse from turning him into a Wight as published). Upon casting the correct spells and discovering the nature of the curse, Keith nearly fell out of his chair laughing at poor Bob's misfortune.
Bob however, to his credit threw himself into the new role as the lovely(?) ogress of the group, so I didn't feel all that bad when later in town, Philgo swiped a magic ring from a jewelry shop that gives +18 Charisma to it's wearer (to ogres). Needless to say, Keith/Philgo had to sleep with 1 eye open from then on...
One day David is sitting in his room writing. As he finishes his last sentence he looks up with a very self-satisfied look on his face and says to himself, “Finally finished!” Right then he hears a knock on the door so he yells for his mother to get the door (mind you, he’s 22). As the door to his room opens, he looks up to see Tom’s face before quickly looking back down at what he has been writing. Then he blurts out, “Is Troy with you too?” Tom replies, “Of course, an…” Upon hearing his affirmation that both of them are there, he jumps up and starts speaking excitedly, while pointing at locations on the map of Eberon behind him, “I have made the most amazing quest for our adventures! You see it starts…” Numerous times as he is explaining in great detail what he has created, Tom and Troy try to interrupt to speak, but are quickly talked over as David’s excitement becomes more and more intense. Finally after about 10 minutes David looks back to see what they think. As his eyes turn his face fades to a pale white, for standing in front of him are his two friends Tom and Troy, but with them are three of the most beautiful women David has ever seen. Now realizing with complete horror that they must have heard his entire rant he’s too embarrassed to even speak to apologize. Everyone, now looking back and forth at one another, each too stunned to speak. The one of the two blonds looks at the redhead and says, “I am so sorry Jessica, I didn’t know they’re friend was crazy!” and the other blond says, “seriously Tom, you could have warned us!” At this moment David’s heart sinks, his masterpiece had got the better of him. In all of his excitement what had he done? As he is about to completely loose what little composure he managed to find he sees the beautiful redheaded Jessica step forward from the group and look at everyone… His heart sinks, “here it comes” he thinks to himself, “my life is over!” Just in that moment Jessica turns to him with one of the largest smiles any man could hope to see on a woman’s face and says to David, “Hi, I’m Jessica, or Kilandra the Red a level 60 Cleric in Neverwinter the MMO! Do you play?” As all fear and shock drain from David, immediately shifting to the rest of the group, David looks back with a smile, “I sure do!” he replies! Moral of the story is to be true to who you are, cause gammer girls ROCK!
An orc walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says:
"Wow, that's really neat. Where did you get that?"
-"In a cave."
,the parrot replies.
Comments
The barkeeper and many patrons were sadly killed by the fireball.
"A wish? Okay, genie, make me a ham sandwich."
"There's no such thing as a bottomless pit. Everybody knows that."
"Let's go in."
"Let's not go in."
"I follow them."
"I never get lost."
"I'll scout ahead."
"Let's walk this way."
"Where'd that thief go now?"
"I wonder what's in here?"
"They're only kobolds!"
"There's only 10 kobolds and there's 8 of us. Attack!"
"I'll open it."
"Hey, this chest just bit me!"
and for the irony.....
"It was a joke."
"Is this the end of the dungeon?" asks the Control Wizard.
"Well that's a dragon on the other side of the gate. If he's mad, then this is the end." says the Fighter.
"And if he's not?" asks the Wizard.
"Then we've got the wrong address." says the Fighter.
The Rogue peeks through the gates again and says
"He doesn't look mad to me."
The Fighter sighs sheathing his sword and says
"Well group, everyone set your diplomacy skills, cause we got a lot of explaining to do."
"How many hit points do my pants have?"
or
for the goblins the orcs are powerfull enemys
for the orcs the goblins are smart and dangerous rivals
for our party they are around 45 XP''
and finally
An orc walks into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder and the bartender says "Wow, that's really neat. Where'd you get it?"
"In a cave." the parrot replies.
I don't go out with girls anymore.
I live the life of danger.
I sit at home and play with myself.
Whee! I'm a ranger.
Cmon, its just a roller coaster look at him hes Halfling the man you are and hes doing it.
General "What are the enemies numbers?!"
Head of the scouting party "No more than two!"
Never hire a gully dwarf scout.....
Besnell finishes first and goes to wash his hands. He washes his hands thoroughly, all the way up to the elbows. Then he turns to the others and says "We elves are the greatest race, for we are always clean." with the sneering superiority only an elf can muster.
By this time Belwar had finished and he goes and washes just the tips of his fingers (this is before his hands were cut off mind you). Then he turns to the others and says "We gnomes are the greatest race, because we are frugal and conservative."
Then Bruenor finishes, and on his way out of the bathroom tells the other two: "Dwarves are the greatest race because we don't urinate on ourselves!."
*ba doom bing!*
Why do men of all races chase after Tiefling women? They get more tail that way.
Because it's neverwinter!
A Control Wizard and a Great Fighter were having a drink,
when the powerful wizard looked over with a wink.
He said, "I'm a great wizard, beyond other mortal men."
"I strangle my enemies and their next of kin."
"I burn them and bash them with the arcane,"
while teaching new adventurers much of the same."
"I am so great that I create spells while laying in bed,
why on earth would a group invite you instead?"
The great fighter with nothing but strength and constitution
began to fumble a way through a verbal solution.
Without a reroll, retraining, or buffs he wasn't that smart,
so he looked at the wizard and said "I'll show you my art"
He grabbed his two handed weapon off his back
and finished the last morsel of his snack.
He stood in front of the wizard, tall and proud,
while all around him gathered a crowd.
He looked around with a smile on his face
and brought his weapon down and split the wizard two ways.
The moral of this story, my dear children,
is that some of the classes' skills are hidden.
Ice storms and magic fire can riddle your foes,
leaving them in painful, agonizing death throes,
But any idiot that slams a brick into your head,
can still leave you just as stone cold dead.
its a scream
A small medium at large!
....they "eyeballed" it.
Suddenly another character shows up and asks if he could borrow some gold to get a few healing potions and some kits.
The group all turn and look at the new comer.
Then one says: "There is gold in this game?"
Power without Perception is Spiritually useless and therefore of no true value.
=^_^=
"Lulth".
Why did Lord Neverember hang a giant cat balloon in town?
To remember the tragic day of Cat Inflation.
heh...
Now I always gave full marks and EXP to players when they would role-play their characters, despite their shortcomings. Morgor's INT was 7, and Bob played it to the hilt. It took the group a few times to finally stop him from throwing down his sword and shield in the heat of battle and start waving his arms like "Mazaaz" as he said: "to make the sparkly lights".
Keith's rogue played upon Morgor's dimwittedness at every opportunity. While they were adventuring in what I believe was the Drow Series, having just completed the "Against the Giants" modules, and Philgo convincing Morgor to pass on the "Girdle of Giant Strength" because "only girls wear girdles, Morgor" Bob's patience at being the butt of many jokes and the last to get any decent treasure I could tell was wearing thin. The party came upon a room with a Lich guarding a grand treasure. After dispatching the undead beast and discovering the mound of treasure, Mazaaz and Grimmik set forth prepared their spells to detect magic and evil (a standard practice before treasure is divided), however Morgor's and Philgo's eyes both fell upon a great bejeweled crown. Without hesitation, Morgor exclaimed "MINE!" rushed across the room and grabbed the crown, with Bob standing up at the table proclaiming to the rest of the players: "I crown me King Morgor!" and placed the crown upon his head. I felt so bad for the guy after failing his saving throw to inform him it would not come off. Yes, the crown was cursed, and would slowly turn him into a ogress (I changed the curse from turning him into a Wight as published). Upon casting the correct spells and discovering the nature of the curse, Keith nearly fell out of his chair laughing at poor Bob's misfortune.
Bob however, to his credit threw himself into the new role as the lovely(?) ogress of the group, so I didn't feel all that bad when later in town, Philgo swiped a magic ring from a jewelry shop that gives +18 Charisma to it's wearer (to ogres). Needless to say, Keith/Philgo had to sleep with 1 eye open from then on...
He prays for en-light-enment.
(I know that was a groaner, but cute for the 12 year old that came up with it.)
As the door to his room opens, he looks up to see Tom’s face before quickly looking back down at what he has been writing. Then he blurts out, “Is Troy with you too?”
Tom replies, “Of course, an…”
Upon hearing his affirmation that both of them are there, he jumps up and starts speaking excitedly, while pointing at locations on the map of Eberon behind him, “I have made the most amazing quest for our adventures! You see it starts…” Numerous times as he is explaining in great detail what he has created, Tom and Troy try to interrupt to speak, but are quickly talked over as David’s excitement becomes more and more intense.
Finally after about 10 minutes David looks back to see what they think. As his eyes turn his face fades to a pale white, for standing in front of him are his two friends Tom and Troy, but with them are three of the most beautiful women David has ever seen. Now realizing with complete horror that they must have heard his entire rant he’s too embarrassed to even speak to apologize.
Everyone, now looking back and forth at one another, each too stunned to speak. The one of the two blonds looks at the redhead and says, “I am so sorry Jessica, I didn’t know they’re friend was crazy!” and the other blond says, “seriously Tom, you could have warned us!”
At this moment David’s heart sinks, his masterpiece had got the better of him. In all of his excitement what had he done? As he is about to completely loose what little composure he managed to find he sees the beautiful redheaded Jessica step forward from the group and look at everyone…
His heart sinks, “here it comes” he thinks to himself, “my life is over!” Just in that moment Jessica turns to him with one of the largest smiles any man could hope to see on a woman’s face and says to David, “Hi, I’m Jessica, or Kilandra the Red a level 60 Cleric in Neverwinter the MMO! Do you play?” As all fear and shock drain from David, immediately shifting to the rest of the group, David looks back with a smile, “I sure do!” he replies!
Moral of the story is to be true to who you are, cause gammer girls ROCK!
The bartender says:
"Wow, that's really neat. Where did you get that?"
-"In a cave."
,the parrot replies.
who sought a Dragon to kill,
He went in for the fight,
but fled away in fright,
Because he failed his save versus Will.