One thing you NEVER want to hear in your party:
Apprentice to Arch mage, "Master, I finally destroyed that pesky owl that constantly followed you around! Aren't you proud of me?"
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phoenixrte69Member, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
Top Ten Signs You Play Too Much ADnD
1.Someone says "Why do you have all those numbers tattooed on your hand?", and you reply "Those aren't tattoos, they're die imprints."
2.Your elven fighter has had sex within the last six years - and you haven't.
3.You decide to play a zombie, just so you and your character can have the same skin color.
4.You've been surviving so long on Doritos, Coke, and pizza that your body now contains more plastic than your dice.
5.You can recite, verbatim, every single rule from the DMG....but you can't remember how many kids you have.
6.You sign personal correspondences with your character's name.
7.After months of work, you have made up the entire dwarven language - words, rules of vocabulary, the whole lot. You are bilingual, and can now speak fluid dwarven. Your friends stare at you strangely, and no one will sit on the same side of the table as you.
8.Drug addict and alcoholic friends of yours often stop you to say "Dude, get a grip".
9.Your "If I won the lottery" plans involve creating: (a) a really cool AD&D room, or (b) hiring actors to play monsters so that you and your friends can play AD&D for real.
10.You'd rather get a natural 18 when rolling character statistics than win the lottery.
0
demonmadness215Member, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 5Arc User
edited May 2013
1. A man walks around on the fair and comes across a dwarf on a chair with a rope in his hand..
the man asks: what kind of ride is this?
the dwarf replies: bungy jumping for gnomes.
2. How many Dwarves does it take to light a street oil lamp?
300, 1 king to command, and 299 engineers to argue about logistics.
3. Why do dwarves grow a beard?
to counterbalance their back hair.
4. How do you know a dwarf raided your pantry?
Only the bottom halves of the shelves are empty.
5. How do you know an ogre raided your pantry?
Pantry? What pantry?
6. What do you say to a celebrity who has had their soul placed inside a weapon at dawn? MorningStar
7. I stole this one from another forum I read just made it DnD version, its too funny to not transfer.
There were three men who were lost in a jungle, a human, an elf and a halfling. They were captured by the local tribe of catfolk cannibals. The cannibal queen told the prisoners that they could live if they passed the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So the halfling, the human and the elf all went separate ways to gather fruits.
The elf came back and said to the queen, "I brought ten apples."
The queen then explains the trial to him - you have to shove the fruits up your <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font> without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.
The first apple went in... but on the second one, the elf winced in pain, so he was killed and went to the great beyond.
The human arrives with ten berries. When the queen explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... but on the ninth berry, the human burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.
The elf and the human met in the great beyond. The elf asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The human replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the halfling coming with pineapples."
8. A Pirate walks into a bar with the ship's wheel in his breeches.
Bartender: "Sir, did you know that there is a steering wheel in your pants?"
Pirate: "Aye. It's drivin' me nuts!"
9. Big Creature: You know, they say gnomes are famous for their craftiness and engineering techniques. Me? I just find them a good reason to clean my boots.
10.What do you call an Orc with half a brain? Gifted.
I may post more, hope they all follow the rules. none are adult jokes and all are related to game and series. hope you like them XD
Game devolper desighner.
wish to join cryptic some time.
will post site with my 3 upcoming games.
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bobbyblacknutzMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 10Arc User
edited May 2013
sorry i didn't mean to knock you over, it must have been my dogy da jango
Here is a little Rhyme I made up about all the cheaters we been dealing within the game. Hope you guys like it.
The Wizard who wanted to be king.
There once was a wizard from grayvale
Every time he cast a spell it would utterly fail
He would cast and cast and never achieve
no matter how many times he told himself believe.
Then one day sitting at his bench
A frog hopped up with a god awful stench.
Listen to me wizard of the vale
do as i say and listen to my tale.
On and on he spout his song
while the wizard nodded and appeared to follow along.
Do as I told you and you will see
the mightiest wizard in the land you will be.
The wizard got up and walked to the door
turned around and the frog was no more,
He tried and tried to remember the words
but in his daydreaming only partial was heard.
1 Wing of humming bird or was it 2?
a jar full of honey or was it eye of Kangaroo?
3 eyes of a fly and 1 hand full of bone.
Throw in the cauldron or crush with a stone?
The mixture was set or so he thought it to be
let it sit for twenty days to rot under a willow tree.
The wizard did what he thought was to do,
He mixed and drank the green smelly brew.
The day it was ready the frog again appeared,
said to the wizard its just what I feared.
Listen you did not, to things I have said
You aged 90 years and soon to be dead.
Your time is now short, so now you know
short cuts in life will not make it so.
The wizard of Vale now weak and decayed
Sat under the willow tree and started to fade.
The thoughts in his head filled with life's wasted years.
Practice makes perfect and cheaters never revered.
A warrior comes home very drunk from the pub with a Duck under his arm, his wife answers the door "what's this?" The warrior replies "this is the dragon i've been shaggin'" The angry wife shouts "That is not a Dragon that is a duck" The warrior looks at her and says "I was talking to the duck!!!!!!!!!"
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hughjarse1Member, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
Goblin your food is bad for your elf.
0
bobbyblacknutzMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 10Arc User
edited May 2013
ow no i just died on the final boss with my teammates. How come i can't get back in to fight along side my brethrens? Ow duh, i forgot i had a teleportation to boss scroll in my backpack! woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
In a dungeon with my friend's party.
He:*Hi guys*
Me:*Morning Clem* (Clem: my friend name).
After a while the whole party see that Clem was freeze in a minion's mountain...
*Hey Clem...mob's killing you*
He says: *wwwwwwwwwwwwwadddddaaasdssssssadwwdss*
...
*What the hell Clem, stop it, you're diyng...*
He continues:*wwwwdddadsssssssawawdwdwwwwwwwww*
...He dies...
Everybody die...(he was supporing with cleric)
*F**k you Clem...why were you doin' the idiot right there?!*
...10sec and he calls me on telephone: *You'll never trust me...*
Me:*What?*
He: (laughing)*...I forget chat open...*
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songreaver007Member, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 12Arc User
edited May 2013
This is a little story about D&D and is quite funny.
This adventuring party we had was playing a game for many many hours and several players were to the point of exhaustion. It was at this time the GM chose to give as loot a genie bottle that would grant each player one wish. Thus the wishes started going around the table and it gets to one of the players who was very tired. The GM looks at him and says well what is your wish.. He looked up with this blank expression stared at the GM a moment and shrugged his shoulders saying I wish I knew.. A moment passed the GM started laughing and all the other players then caught on one by one as the player sat there wondering what was everyone laughing about.. It was at this moment that the player realized what he had done and the look on his face as he did the ultimate facepalm and uttered the words Doh..
Summarily the GM chose to award him with a 1 point stat increase to his wisdom
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nytegaunteMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 3Arc User
edited May 2013
A three legged dog walks into the Dirty Dwarf. He looks around and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".
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zeentechMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 5Arc User
edited May 2013
So there I was at a gaming session with my normal D&D group, and my DM mistakenly states that our 5 1st level characters are about to be attacked by 2d8 brownies (mind you this is 2st edition). Another player gasps and says "Do you know what I can do with 2d8 brownies!" Fortunately for us it was just Kobolds.
Cure 1337 Wounds: Encounter power
Effect: removes the 'pwned' status debuff.
Wall of Text: Daily
Effect: creates a dense wall of floating text. Failure against a Wisdom check results in any passerby trying, in vain, to read the text. Success allows it to be moved past without any delay, although it still provides a cover bonus to poor arguments.
Mice Storm: Daily
Effect: rains rabid mice over an area, causing ongoing damage.
Tax Evasion: Rogue class feature
Effect: on a successful save, avoid paying any tax. (Penalties may apply against tariffs in foreign languages.)
Improved Tax Evasion: Rogue class featur
Effect: as Tax Evasion, except that you still only pay half on a failed saving throw.
Cone of Cola: Daily
Effect: drench an area in carbonated soda, causing a confusion effect against most humanoid opponents, and a temporary placate against oozes and beasts.
...
Okay, back to work.
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dulash93Member, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
A Orc walks in with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender finds the bird amazing. He asks "That's real neat where did you get it?"
The parrot replies "The Tower District "
A drunken dwarven cleric (are there any other kind?) stumbles up to a stranger in the Tavern.
"If you stay here, you're as doomed as I am."
The stranger becomes concerned and asks, "What do you mean?"
"I'd been sitting on this stool for 5 days waiting for a sign from Moradin, performing my rituals.", at which time he takes another long pull from his mug.
"At the stroke of midnight I knew that I had to get to the Neverwinter graveyard to perform my duties. After inadvertently exorcising a brothel I eventually found the graveyard, and rising from a decrepit crypt was a terrifying spirit oozing malevolence and swimming indistinctly before my very eyes! It glared at me and started advancing on my position."
The Cleric downs another pint, but the sheer terror in his eyes is plain to see.
"I pulled out my holy symbol and attempted to blast it with my Lance of Faith. Once, twice, three times the wispy form of the spirit eluded divine intervention, and all the while it kept advancing on me. I'm loathe to admit it, but my resolve failed and I ran back here. I can feel it... closer... closer... "
"If you value your life, leave this place now, because the Hazy Shade of Neverwinter is Coming!"
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bobbyblacknutzMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 10Arc User
edited May 2013
what has marble eyes and dragon skin??? My boots from the dragon i just slayed!
fun4faerunMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
-How many orcs can ye fit in a barrel?
with a fireball spell...all of 'em!
-The screen saves.
Everyone else takes full damage.
-Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with gold.
-Oh, gnome you didn't!
An elf, a human and a dwarf are all enjoying drinks in a tavern when each notices a fly in their glass.
The elf places his napkin over the glass and pushes it off to the side.
The human removes the fly and keeps drinking.
The dwarf pulls out the fly and starts yelling, "Spit it out, that was my beer! Spit it out!"
Q1: How do you know a dwarf raided your pantry? A1: Only the bottom halves of the shelves are empty.
Q2: How do you know an elf raided your pantry? A2: Only vegetables and fruits are missing.
Q3: How do you know an ogre raided your pantry? A3: Pantry? What pantry?
-Two gnomes walk into a bar,
The human steps over it.
-You come to a fork in the road."
I pick it up.
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deathlord366Member, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 2Arc User
edited May 2013
Brother Drewfius and Brother Tyronius got into an argument over a difference in theological interpretation. They had never gotten along, and within a few minutes the argument had turned into a fight. They started out exchanging punches but soon they each had a weapon in hand. Just then, Brother Francis comes into the room and says "Brothers, stop this at once; this fight is pointless." "It better be," said Tyronius, "We're both Clerics."
At a bar two female elves make their way to their seats only to have them stolen by two halfling girls.
The first turns to the second and says "You gonna drop the gold for these drinks?" The second elf glares at the gnomes and replies within earshot: "Sorry I'm a little short."
The halflings glare and look up form their drinks. One smirks and replies "Did they ever find out why the Elf Queen saw a cleric?"
The second halfling replies "Because he had low s-elf esteem!"
Grinning at the glaring elves the first replies: "Oh, gnome you didn't!"
- Happy Hunting Everybody!
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ryubasteonMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
I sit beside deaths door, flame reflecting on my blood-stained armor;
I split the party, because I thought I was hardy, but that’s just another metaphor;
As for weeks we ventured, seeking out our treasure, only to see the dungeon before;
The Clerics eyes knew better, and the Fighters great weapon touched the floor;
The Rogues hands sweated, and the Wizard swore;
Now all that I can say, is that I’m to blame, as I split the party, all for an item, that was to low level;
So now as I take my last breath, all I can say to you is that for a moment, take the time to remember to not split the party, and that I’ll be in Neverwinter, nevermore.
A party of half-orcs competed with a party of drow to see who could catch the most fish icefishing near Icespire Peak. Once the contest started, it was clear that the drow were going to win -- they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the half-orcs got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the drow were doing differently. A few minutes later, the half-orc came running back. "A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"
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noobiieeMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 29Arc User
edited May 2013
The sound of steps are coming near.
A cleric is getting near of the rewarding npc.
Years of effort killing, hea*cough*li*cough*ng // injecting potions on blood... Are going to be rewarded.
The cleric is going to get a huge reward.
Gets to the NPC.
-Heya where is my reward?-
-The NPC stares at him and says: you took too much time and you brought all the adds on this city that is being destroyed right now.
-Cleric ashames while looking at the surrounding destruction.
-Adds get around him.
Everyone Harlem Shakes.
I spend on potion of healing with reckless abandon. Last week I spent 500zen on scrolls of life for reincarnation. I thought what the hell you only live once
Comments
Well, look at there fingers.
One thing you NEVER want to hear in your party:
Apprentice to Arch mage, "Master, I finally destroyed that pesky owl that constantly followed you around! Aren't you proud of me?"
1.Someone says "Why do you have all those numbers tattooed on your hand?", and you reply "Those aren't tattoos, they're die imprints."
2.Your elven fighter has had sex within the last six years - and you haven't.
3.You decide to play a zombie, just so you and your character can have the same skin color.
4.You've been surviving so long on Doritos, Coke, and pizza that your body now contains more plastic than your dice.
5.You can recite, verbatim, every single rule from the DMG....but you can't remember how many kids you have.
6.You sign personal correspondences with your character's name.
7.After months of work, you have made up the entire dwarven language - words, rules of vocabulary, the whole lot. You are bilingual, and can now speak fluid dwarven. Your friends stare at you strangely, and no one will sit on the same side of the table as you.
8.Drug addict and alcoholic friends of yours often stop you to say "Dude, get a grip".
9.Your "If I won the lottery" plans involve creating: (a) a really cool AD&D room, or (b) hiring actors to play monsters so that you and your friends can play AD&D for real.
10.You'd rather get a natural 18 when rolling character statistics than win the lottery.
the man asks: what kind of ride is this?
the dwarf replies: bungy jumping for gnomes.
2. How many Dwarves does it take to light a street oil lamp?
300, 1 king to command, and 299 engineers to argue about logistics.
3. Why do dwarves grow a beard?
to counterbalance their back hair.
4. How do you know a dwarf raided your pantry?
Only the bottom halves of the shelves are empty.
5. How do you know an ogre raided your pantry?
Pantry? What pantry?
6. What do you say to a celebrity who has had their soul placed inside a weapon at dawn? MorningStar
7. I stole this one from another forum I read just made it DnD version, its too funny to not transfer.
There were three men who were lost in a jungle, a human, an elf and a halfling. They were captured by the local tribe of catfolk cannibals. The cannibal queen told the prisoners that they could live if they passed the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So the halfling, the human and the elf all went separate ways to gather fruits.
The elf came back and said to the queen, "I brought ten apples."
The queen then explains the trial to him - you have to shove the fruits up your <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font> without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.
The first apple went in... but on the second one, the elf winced in pain, so he was killed and went to the great beyond.
The human arrives with ten berries. When the queen explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... but on the ninth berry, the human burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.
The elf and the human met in the great beyond. The elf asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The human replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the halfling coming with pineapples."
8. A Pirate walks into a bar with the ship's wheel in his breeches.
Bartender: "Sir, did you know that there is a steering wheel in your pants?"
Pirate: "Aye. It's drivin' me nuts!"
9. Big Creature: You know, they say gnomes are famous for their craftiness and engineering techniques. Me? I just find them a good reason to clean my boots.
10.What do you call an Orc with half a brain? Gifted.
I may post more, hope they all follow the rules. none are adult jokes and all are related to game and series. hope you like them XD
wish to join cryptic some time.
will post site with my 3 upcoming games.
And this is crazy,
But here's my playername@handler,
So friend me, maybe?
The Wizard who wanted to be king.
There once was a wizard from grayvale
Every time he cast a spell it would utterly fail
He would cast and cast and never achieve
no matter how many times he told himself believe.
Then one day sitting at his bench
A frog hopped up with a god awful stench.
Listen to me wizard of the vale
do as i say and listen to my tale.
On and on he spout his song
while the wizard nodded and appeared to follow along.
Do as I told you and you will see
the mightiest wizard in the land you will be.
The wizard got up and walked to the door
turned around and the frog was no more,
He tried and tried to remember the words
but in his daydreaming only partial was heard.
1 Wing of humming bird or was it 2?
a jar full of honey or was it eye of Kangaroo?
3 eyes of a fly and 1 hand full of bone.
Throw in the cauldron or crush with a stone?
The mixture was set or so he thought it to be
let it sit for twenty days to rot under a willow tree.
The wizard did what he thought was to do,
He mixed and drank the green smelly brew.
The day it was ready the frog again appeared,
said to the wizard its just what I feared.
Listen you did not, to things I have said
You aged 90 years and soon to be dead.
Your time is now short, so now you know
short cuts in life will not make it so.
The wizard of Vale now weak and decayed
Sat under the willow tree and started to fade.
The thoughts in his head filled with life's wasted years.
Practice makes perfect and cheaters never revered.
Good
Game
Childrens
He:*Hi guys*
Me:*Morning Clem* (Clem: my friend name).
After a while the whole party see that Clem was freeze in a minion's mountain...
*Hey Clem...mob's killing you*
He says: *wwwwwwwwwwwwwadddddaaasdssssssadwwdss*
...
*What the hell Clem, stop it, you're diyng...*
He continues:*wwwwdddadsssssssawawdwdwwwwwwwww*
...He dies...
Everybody die...(he was supporing with cleric)
*F**k you Clem...why were you doin' the idiot right there?!*
...10sec and he calls me on telephone: *You'll never trust me...*
Me:*What?*
He: (laughing)*...I forget chat open...*
This adventuring party we had was playing a game for many many hours and several players were to the point of exhaustion. It was at this time the GM chose to give as loot a genie bottle that would grant each player one wish. Thus the wishes started going around the table and it gets to one of the players who was very tired. The GM looks at him and says well what is your wish.. He looked up with this blank expression stared at the GM a moment and shrugged his shoulders saying I wish I knew.. A moment passed the GM started laughing and all the other players then caught on one by one as the player sat there wondering what was everyone laughing about.. It was at this moment that the player realized what he had done and the look on his face as he did the ultimate facepalm and uttered the words Doh..
Summarily the GM chose to award him with a 1 point stat increase to his wisdom
Cure 1337 Wounds: Encounter power
Effect: removes the 'pwned' status debuff.
Wall of Text: Daily
Effect: creates a dense wall of floating text. Failure against a Wisdom check results in any passerby trying, in vain, to read the text. Success allows it to be moved past without any delay, although it still provides a cover bonus to poor arguments.
Mice Storm: Daily
Effect: rains rabid mice over an area, causing ongoing damage.
Tax Evasion: Rogue class feature
Effect: on a successful save, avoid paying any tax. (Penalties may apply against tariffs in foreign languages.)
Improved Tax Evasion: Rogue class featur
Effect: as Tax Evasion, except that you still only pay half on a failed saving throw.
Cone of Cola: Daily
Effect: drench an area in carbonated soda, causing a confusion effect against most humanoid opponents, and a temporary placate against oozes and beasts.
...
Okay, back to work.
The parrot replies "The Tower District "
What did the Svirfneblin give the armless Drow?
Gnome Mercy!
"If you stay here, you're as doomed as I am."
The stranger becomes concerned and asks, "What do you mean?"
"I'd been sitting on this stool for 5 days waiting for a sign from Moradin, performing my rituals.", at which time he takes another long pull from his mug.
"At the stroke of midnight I knew that I had to get to the Neverwinter graveyard to perform my duties. After inadvertently exorcising a brothel I eventually found the graveyard, and rising from a decrepit crypt was a terrifying spirit oozing malevolence and swimming indistinctly before my very eyes! It glared at me and started advancing on my position."
The Cleric downs another pint, but the sheer terror in his eyes is plain to see.
"I pulled out my holy symbol and attempted to blast it with my Lance of Faith. Once, twice, three times the wispy form of the spirit eluded divine intervention, and all the while it kept advancing on me. I'm loathe to admit it, but my resolve failed and I ran back here. I can feel it... closer... closer... "
"If you value your life, leave this place now, because the Hazy Shade of Neverwinter is Coming!"
for the orcs the goblins are smart and dangerous rivals
for our party they are around 45 XP
A: David Bowie Knife
with a fireball spell...all of 'em!
-The screen saves.
Everyone else takes full damage.
-Meddle not in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with gold.
-Oh, gnome you didn't!
An elf, a human and a dwarf are all enjoying drinks in a tavern when each notices a fly in their glass.
The elf places his napkin over the glass and pushes it off to the side.
The human removes the fly and keeps drinking.
The dwarf pulls out the fly and starts yelling, "Spit it out, that was my beer! Spit it out!"
Q1: How do you know a dwarf raided your pantry? A1: Only the bottom halves of the shelves are empty.
Q2: How do you know an elf raided your pantry? A2: Only vegetables and fruits are missing.
Q3: How do you know an ogre raided your pantry? A3: Pantry? What pantry?
-Two gnomes walk into a bar,
The human steps over it.
-You come to a fork in the road."
I pick it up.
The first turns to the second and says "You gonna drop the gold for these drinks?" The second elf glares at the gnomes and replies within earshot: "Sorry I'm a little short."
The halflings glare and look up form their drinks. One smirks and replies "Did they ever find out why the Elf Queen saw a cleric?"
The second halfling replies "Because he had low s-elf esteem!"
Grinning at the glaring elves the first replies: "Oh, gnome you didn't!"
- Happy Hunting Everybody!
I split the party, because I thought I was hardy, but that’s just another metaphor;
As for weeks we ventured, seeking out our treasure, only to see the dungeon before;
The Clerics eyes knew better, and the Fighters great weapon touched the floor;
The Rogues hands sweated, and the Wizard swore;
Now all that I can say, is that I’m to blame, as I split the party, all for an item, that was to low level;
So now as I take my last breath, all I can say to you is that for a moment, take the time to remember to not split the party, and that I’ll be in Neverwinter, nevermore.
A: A Bardbarian
A cleric is getting near of the rewarding npc.
Years of effort killing, hea*cough*li*cough*ng // injecting potions on blood... Are going to be rewarded.
The cleric is going to get a huge reward.
Gets to the NPC.
-Heya where is my reward?-
-The NPC stares at him and says: you took too much time and you brought all the adds on this city that is being destroyed right now.
-Cleric ashames while looking at the surrounding destruction.
-Adds get around him.
Everyone Harlem Shakes.