A barbarian walks up to one of the accessory vendors in the marketplace to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the vendor, "How much is Barbie?"
"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for 90 plat, Barbie Goes to the Ball for 90 plat, Barbie Goes Shopping for 90 plat, Barbie Goes to the Beach for 90 plat, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for 90 plat, and Divorced Barbie for 1690 plat."
"Hey, hang on," the barbarian asks, "why is Divorced Barbie 1690 plat when all the others are only 90 plat?"
"Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
hotbreadMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 6Arc User
edited May 2013
"You walk down the stairs and find yourself in a small cellar, You estimate the area to be around 20x20 feet; Torches are spaced evenly on the walls and illuminate the entire cellar."
"I look around, what's in the cellar?"
"Glancing around the room you see several shelves containing bottles and casks, of what you assume to be mead and wine, on the right wall; There is also a large pile of hay against the opposite wall."
"I search the hay."
"You find more hay."
"I search the hay again."
"You continue to search the hay, finding more hay and getting very itchy."
"I search the hay again."
"At this point the hay is scattered around the room to such a degree that if there were anything in it, you would have found it by now."
"I start tapping the walls and floor looking for secret passageways and switches."
"You spend a few hours inspecting the walls and floor and find nothing."
"I'll pry some of the flagstones up and look for hidden compartments."
"Pulling up a single flagstone, you are attacked by a pinkish worm of about 1foot in length."
*combat ensues*
"I would like to search the worm"
"It's a worm, it isn't carrying anything."
"I'll take as many bottles of wine as I can, starting first with the dustier bottles."
"They are protected by some sort of magical ward, preventing you from entering the area where the bottles are stored."
"I'll cut open the worm and search it's gut for anything of worth."
"You find a needle"
This sort of situation happens at almost every inn I stay at, my GM has just given up with preventing me from getting past locks or getting me locked up by the town guard.
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jacer117Member, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 3Arc User
edited May 2013
Here's a funny story for you folks...to start it off I have to inform you of one thing. Our friend made a "Botch Chart" which varies how good...or bad, your botch is. Now, here's my story.
I was sitting down with my girlfriend and our friends playing some DnD. I was playing a Drow Sorcerer, and we had an amazing campaign rolling along. Just escaped from a jail with an interesting group of adventurers but since we were all jailed together, we deemed it necessary to travel together. We came upon an Undead Knight Captain with a handful of undead minions surrounding him. We engaged the fight before they could do the same and the fight raged on. I stayed in the back ground casting my spells, slowing knocking his "life" away....until I botched....but when we botch, it gets interesting. Our DM opened up his botch chart and had me do a series of rolls as I progress through his chart. I could have dropped my staff...I could have made myself disoriented, or I could have killed myself. Anything could have happened...but no...
I botched so bad, that an ENTIRE race of evil dwarfs were obliterated from the world. I'm a Drow...why would I care? Well...I cared...because there were three dwarfs in my party. The rest of the night went interesting to say the least. But I rubbed it in their face as often as I could, and they did all they could to not protect me during future engagements. Best...campaign...ever...mwahahahaha!!!
An Orc, Dwarf and Elf are stranded in a dungeon. The Elf finds a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The Elf wishes he was out of the dungeon and back home. The Dwarf wishes the same. When it was the Orc's turn he says "I'm lonely, I wish i had my friends back"
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veramuthMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
Yesterday i had 2 clerics 2 rogues and a control wizard on queue............
Just kidding 4 rogues and a great weapon fighter again.
Well this isn't really a joke or pun but something hilarious that happened while playing DnD with my friends in real life. Lets start of by saying we have a pretty twisted sense of humour. Anyways this is about my friend who is a rogue, over our days and hours of adventures he eventually decided to mutilate all of our fallen victims and keep the testicles as trophies in a sac. One day exploring a dungeon we decided to enter a room with a treasure chest...(which was obviously a trap but w e its all about the loot!). Anyways upon getting swarmed by countless enemies my rogue friend decided to attack with his ninja flips and such...well he rolled a 3 or something really low...( epic fail). Our dungeon master who also had a twisted sense of humour then said " you dive towards the enemy but you slip and fall on your back, while on your back you notice your sac of trophies (ballz) in the air above you, it then lands on your face scattering rotting testicles all over your body"..... ahhh good times lol
Dwarf: "How many Orc's does it take to change a lightbulb"?
Elf: "Err....Whats a lightbulb"?
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bluntblowing420Member, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 2Arc User
edited May 2013
Long ago in neverwinter, there were peace, but that all changed, and the only person who could fix this is..... Chuck Norris!
And it's gonna be.. legen........ wait for it...
With his mighty roundhouse kick he would cleanse neverwinter from all of its evil.
dary...
Famous last words of many an adventurer: "Dragon? What Dragon?"
When reading an ancient dwarven carving, the Dwarf discovers that it says "I prepared explosive runes this morning."
Night falls, DC 18 Reflex save to take half damage.
Q: What's the difference between a trio of hyperactive adolescent kender and Phantasmal Killer?
A: One is the quickest way known to man to kill a sentient entity. The other is a spell.
An elven bard walks into a tavern and asks the crowd, "Who's dragon is that outside?"
An older gentleman, dressed in archmage robes stands up, and replies "Mine. Why?"
The bard somberly approaches the mage. "I regret to inform you that the halfling in our party has killed your dragon"
"What!" erupts the archmage. "Your halfling killed Rithvaeraradace. Slayer of the Elminster, Destroyer of Cormyr, Raider of Waterdeep, Ruler of the Dales, Thorn to the Gods, and Bane of all Toril! How did this happen!?"
The bard sheepishly looks at the archmage and replies "Well...the little guy got stuck in its throat!"
Moral of the story: Always chew your food.
Q: How many Half-elves does it take to light a candle?
A: Surprisingly only 1, it turns out that half-elves are good for something after all.
A halfling bard has an audience with the High Priest of the temple to Gruumsh and, not quite knowing what to say tries to break the ice with a joke.
"Have you heard the one about the two Half-Orc clerics?"
The High Priest replies, "I am a Half-Orc."
The halfling pauses for a moment then says, "That's OK, I'll tell it to you slowly."
Q: What do you have if you bury a Drow up to its neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How many dwarves does it take to change a lantern wick?
A: Nineteen. One to change the wick, two to grumble about how badly the wick was made, and sixteen to drink to the memory of the last wick.
"We killed the dragon! We killed the Dragon! We ... we're never going to have girlfriends, are we?"
In honour of the MANY clones..
Q: What's black and white and has difficulties turning around in a five ft wide corridor?
A: Drizzt run through with a spear.
Q: Who shot Lord Neverember?
A: The man behind the Grassy Gnoll
Human Guardian - Typical
Halfling Thief - Typical
Elf Wizard - Typical
Tiefling Devoted Cleric - Mephistopheles to the mortal woman "He gets it from your side of the family"
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minatomudoMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
A human walks into a bar with a beholder tending the establishment that night, Beholder says "What do you want?" The human says, "I dunno, whatever you got on hand!"
How many Paladins does it take to change a light bulb?
One to put in the new bulb, and another to "uphold the light"
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erisandeMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 11Arc User
edited May 2013
I've got a funny story to tell instead of a joke or puns!
I've been leveling my Trickster lately, trying my hardest to get her to 60. Naturally, the thought of being all stabby-stabby with things and slaughtering monsters is great. You can be this brave, dagger-wielding mistress of death and justice! Brave though? I might've missed out on that part.
I was in the Plague Tower doin' that questline, ignoring my quest trail as usual. I went to the right instead of the left, up the collapsed ceiling and into the room above. It was filled with a bunch of beds and curtains hanging around them. And if you know this questline, you'll know that the Wretches and Grues make the most terrifying noises. I was doing this at 1:00am. I approached very slowly, already spooked by the background ambiance.. and out pops a Wretch from behind one of the curtains, screaming bloody murder as it rushed at me.
Needless to say, I screamed, fled, and almost fell out of my chair all in one fell swoop.
A Devoted Cleric, a Guardian Fighter, and a Trixter Rogue are in a tavern talking about how much money they have made adventuring....
The cleric then stands up and smashes the plate he was eating off of on the table, shattering it. The tavernkeeper begins yelling at the cleric when the cleric flips him a coin worth far more than a full stack of plates, exclaiming "oh hush, I am so rich from adventuring, I never need to eat off the same plate twice". They continue to converse, until....
The trixter rogue then smashes her goblet underneath the heal of her boot. When the tavern keeper comes back out and explains the people at this table need to stop destroying property, she flips the tavern keep another coin, worth more than an entire set of goblets, saying "oh please, I have looted so much coin over the past few days that I never need to drink from the same cup twice".
Before she sits down, the Guardian Fighter, with one deft move draws her sword, spins, and lops the Trixter Rogue's head completely off her shoulders. The crowd gasps and is suddenly silent, everyone contemplating their next move. As the Cleric begins demanding an explanation, the Guardian Fighter interrupts him mid sentence: "oh calm down will ya, there are sooo many Trixter Rogues in this town, we will never have to adventure with the same one twice."
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lexthegreatMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Hero UsersPosts: 0Arc User
Rouges do it from behind.
Necromancers do it with the dead.
Barbarians do it better when they're angry.
Clereics pray so they can do it.
Rangers do it with two hands.
Fighters do it hard and sometimes with chains.
Druids do it with animals.
Bards do it with music.
Wizards read books to do it.
Sorcerors do it spontaneously.
Illusionists pretend to do it.
Enchanters convince you to do it.
Psions do it with their minds.
Monks do it with out wearing a thing.
Mindflayers do it with tentacles.
Shadowdancers do it in the dark.
Orc: "I gotts a joke for ya's"
"What does da man in da moon do when his hair gets long"?
Elf: "I'm sure i do not know"
Orc: "E'clipse it"! hahahahah
Elf: *sigh*
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archxerikMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Hero Users, Neverwinter Guardian Users, Neverwinter Knight of the Feywild UsersPosts: 1Arc User
edited May 2013
A grimlock goes on a blind date, and decides to take her to a bar.
After everyone is done running and screaming, the grimlock yells out "Bartender, give us two drinks, your best stuff!"
The bartender just stands there staring, stone faced.
After waiting a few minutes, the grimlock turns to his date, embarrassed, "Sorry, normally they give better service".
His date, a medusa, shrugs, "Thats fine, my hair was hoping we'd head to that Ratatoulli place anyways".
The grimlock winces, thinking "How am I going to explain that its made from vegetables?"
Tribby and Bimmy, two young rogues, entered a chocolate store. As they were looking at the
candy,
Tribby stole 3 chocolate bars. When they left the store Tribby said to
Bimmy,
"I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me put them in my
pocket. You cant beat that.
Bimmy replied: "You want to see something better? Let's go back
to the shop and I'll show you real stealing. I'll steal while the shopkeeper
is watching me and he won't even know."
So they went to the counter and Bimmy said to the shopkeeper:
"Do you want to see a great magic trick?" The shopkeeper replied: "Yes"
Bimmy said: "Give me three chocolate bars. "
The shopkeeper gave him three chocolate bars and Bimmy ate all three. The
shopkeeper
asked: "But where's the magic ?"
The most powerful matron of a drow city gets slain by adventurers and wakes up in the City of the Dead. Eilistraee approaches her and says "I know you're a powerful enemy of mine but I want to have you realize what it's like to be treated with respect before leaving you in the hands of Lolth. I will grant you one last wish but no resurrection, because Kemevor won't let me.".
The priestess readily says "I want 999 surface elves and a duergar to be slain."
"Why a duergar?"
"You see? Even you don't care for the darthirii."
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denjarioMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 4Arc User
edited May 2013
Why did the dragon avoid eating the warrior?
He didn't like canned food.
How many kobolds does it take to start a fire?
Only one, but it takes at least 5 more to keep it going for the rest of the night.
What did the bard say to the warrior who tripped and fell on his sword?
You're a natural one.
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shurafayMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 14Arc User
edited May 2013
- I follow the lights... there are only monsters...
- Hurry! I need a bonfire! I need pray!
- Tsk ... what's that smell? Oh, Hi Valindra... *glumps*
An orc, an elf, and a dwarf find themselves being granted wishes by an Efreeti.
The orc says, "We orcs need to return to power. I wish all the orcs and half-orcs were returned to their ancient lands." The Efreeti nods his head, and the orc vanishes.
The elf says, "The elves need to get back to their roots. I wish all the elves and half-elves were returned to their ancestral home." The Efreeti nods his head, and the elf vanishes.
The dwarf looks around. "Let me get this straight," the dwarf says, "the orc wished for all the orcs to be gone, and the elf wished for all the elves to be gone?" The Efreeti nods. "Very well, then," said the dwarf, "I'll have an ale."
A drow a dwarf, and a human walk into a secret cave that only shows up under the sky of pure darkness. They see a pedastal with a bar of gold on top underneath a vast crawlspace above it where no light escapes. On the pedestal it says "He who speaks the magic word can lift the gold and not be hurt, but a cursed word that be said will leave the wielder also dead"
The dwarf says "Arr Let me at it" he puts his hand on the gold bar and and instantly falls up into the blackness by some gravity trap
The Drow says "Underdark" and attempts to grab the gold but also blows up.
The Human says "please...?" and touches the gold bar... nothing happens. So he picks it up and walks out of the cave.
Thinking for a second he he says "... really... underdark?" and blows up
joke 2
An ogre walks into a bar with a goblin on his shoulder. The ogre orders two beers. He downs one and a half and his goblin jumps off his shoulder and drinks the last of it, then he runs over to the human at the end of the table and goes "plhehehehe" with his mouth, covering him in spit. Then runs back to the ogres shoulder. This happens about 3 more times and the human has had enough of it, he says "If he spits on me one more time I'll cut his junk off!". the ogre says, "you cant do that... he doesnt have one", the human says ..."well how does he pee?", and the ogre says "Plhehehe".
Trickster Rogue here, looking for group,
Seems people'd rather give me the boot,
It's rather depressing I fear,
Might even cause me to shed a tear,
They all tell me, "You're a dime a dozen!"
But seriously guys, you took my cousin,
"Well, he's a Control Wizard" they say,
"Oh, come on guys!" I really want to play,
"Tough luck, group's full"
Well man, if that just isn't bull.
Comments
"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for 90 plat, Barbie Goes to the Ball for 90 plat, Barbie Goes Shopping for 90 plat, Barbie Goes to the Beach for 90 plat, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for 90 plat, and Divorced Barbie for 1690 plat."
"Hey, hang on," the barbarian asks, "why is Divorced Barbie 1690 plat when all the others are only 90 plat?"
"Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
TYRS PALADIUM - A Premier Neverwinter Online Guild
No Drama. Camaraderie. TEAM Focus. That's the TYRS way. If that's your style, come join us!
Research our Guild here: Read our official Recruitment thread | Sign up here: Tyrs Guild Website! | NEVERWINTER GUILD LEADERS: Join the Fellowship!
"I look around, what's in the cellar?"
"Glancing around the room you see several shelves containing bottles and casks, of what you assume to be mead and wine, on the right wall; There is also a large pile of hay against the opposite wall."
"I search the hay."
"You find more hay."
"I search the hay again."
"You continue to search the hay, finding more hay and getting very itchy."
"I search the hay again."
"At this point the hay is scattered around the room to such a degree that if there were anything in it, you would have found it by now."
"I start tapping the walls and floor looking for secret passageways and switches."
"You spend a few hours inspecting the walls and floor and find nothing."
"I'll pry some of the flagstones up and look for hidden compartments."
"Pulling up a single flagstone, you are attacked by a pinkish worm of about 1foot in length."
*combat ensues*
"I would like to search the worm"
"It's a worm, it isn't carrying anything."
"I'll take as many bottles of wine as I can, starting first with the dustier bottles."
"They are protected by some sort of magical ward, preventing you from entering the area where the bottles are stored."
"I'll cut open the worm and search it's gut for anything of worth."
"You find a needle"
This sort of situation happens at almost every inn I stay at, my GM has just given up with preventing me from getting past locks or getting me locked up by the town guard.
I was sitting down with my girlfriend and our friends playing some DnD. I was playing a Drow Sorcerer, and we had an amazing campaign rolling along. Just escaped from a jail with an interesting group of adventurers but since we were all jailed together, we deemed it necessary to travel together. We came upon an Undead Knight Captain with a handful of undead minions surrounding him. We engaged the fight before they could do the same and the fight raged on. I stayed in the back ground casting my spells, slowing knocking his "life" away....until I botched....but when we botch, it gets interesting. Our DM opened up his botch chart and had me do a series of rolls as I progress through his chart. I could have dropped my staff...I could have made myself disoriented, or I could have killed myself. Anything could have happened...but no...
I botched so bad, that an ENTIRE race of evil dwarfs were obliterated from the world. I'm a Drow...why would I care? Well...I cared...because there were three dwarfs in my party. The rest of the night went interesting to say the least. But I rubbed it in their face as often as I could, and they did all they could to not protect me during future engagements. Best...campaign...ever...mwahahahaha!!!
Just kidding 4 rogues and a great weapon fighter again.
Elf: "Err....Whats a lightbulb"?
Chuck Norris!
And it's gonna be.. legen........ wait for it...
With his mighty roundhouse kick he would cleanse neverwinter from all of its evil.
dary...
"I have 3 different kinds," the merchant says. "Human, Dwarf and Orc."
"How much for the human?" the elf asks.
"8 silver." replies the merchant.
"Ah. Not bad," says the elf. "Dwarf may be a bit cheaper, eh?"
"Aye," says the merchant. "6 silver."
"Hmm.. nice. How about the orc brains?"
"600 gold," says the merchant.
"600 gold!?!?" exclaims the wizard. "Why in the hell are orc brains so expensive?!"
To which the merchant replies "Do you know how many orcs I have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"
TYRS PALADIUM - A Premier Neverwinter Online Guild
No Drama. Camaraderie. TEAM Focus. That's the TYRS way. If that's your style, come join us!
Research our Guild here: Read our official Recruitment thread | Sign up here: Tyrs Guild Website! | NEVERWINTER GUILD LEADERS: Join the Fellowship!
When reading an ancient dwarven carving, the Dwarf discovers that it says "I prepared explosive runes this morning."
Night falls, DC 18 Reflex save to take half damage.
Q: What's the difference between a trio of hyperactive adolescent kender and Phantasmal Killer?
A: One is the quickest way known to man to kill a sentient entity. The other is a spell.
An elven bard walks into a tavern and asks the crowd, "Who's dragon is that outside?"
An older gentleman, dressed in archmage robes stands up, and replies "Mine. Why?"
The bard somberly approaches the mage. "I regret to inform you that the halfling in our party has killed your dragon"
"What!" erupts the archmage. "Your halfling killed Rithvaeraradace. Slayer of the Elminster, Destroyer of Cormyr, Raider of Waterdeep, Ruler of the Dales, Thorn to the Gods, and Bane of all Toril! How did this happen!?"
The bard sheepishly looks at the archmage and replies "Well...the little guy got stuck in its throat!"
Moral of the story: Always chew your food.
Q: How many Half-elves does it take to light a candle?
A: Surprisingly only 1, it turns out that half-elves are good for something after all.
A halfling bard has an audience with the High Priest of the temple to Gruumsh and, not quite knowing what to say tries to break the ice with a joke.
"Have you heard the one about the two Half-Orc clerics?"
The High Priest replies, "I am a Half-Orc."
The halfling pauses for a moment then says, "That's OK, I'll tell it to you slowly."
Q: What do you have if you bury a Drow up to its neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How many dwarves does it take to change a lantern wick?
A: Nineteen. One to change the wick, two to grumble about how badly the wick was made, and sixteen to drink to the memory of the last wick.
"We killed the dragon! We killed the Dragon! We ... we're never going to have girlfriends, are we?"
In honour of the MANY clones..
Q: What's black and white and has difficulties turning around in a five ft wide corridor?
A: Drizzt run through with a spear.
Q: Who shot Lord Neverember?
A: The man behind the Grassy Gnoll
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
My opinions are my own, and do not represent those of Perfect World Entertainment, or Cryptic Studios
[ Rules of Conduct - Terms - FAQ - Support Centre - Important Stuff ]
Ride a mount and laugh at yourself.
Halfling Thief - Typical
Elf Wizard - Typical
Tiefling Devoted Cleric - Mephistopheles to the mortal woman "He gets it from your side of the family"
One to put in the new bulb, and another to "uphold the light"
I've been leveling my Trickster lately, trying my hardest to get her to 60. Naturally, the thought of being all stabby-stabby with things and slaughtering monsters is great. You can be this brave, dagger-wielding mistress of death and justice! Brave though? I might've missed out on that part.
I was in the Plague Tower doin' that questline, ignoring my quest trail as usual. I went to the right instead of the left, up the collapsed ceiling and into the room above. It was filled with a bunch of beds and curtains hanging around them. And if you know this questline, you'll know that the Wretches and Grues make the most terrifying noises. I was doing this at 1:00am. I approached very slowly, already spooked by the background ambiance.. and out pops a Wretch from behind one of the curtains, screaming bloody murder as it rushed at me.
Needless to say, I screamed, fled, and almost fell out of my chair all in one fell swoop.
The cleric then stands up and smashes the plate he was eating off of on the table, shattering it. The tavernkeeper begins yelling at the cleric when the cleric flips him a coin worth far more than a full stack of plates, exclaiming "oh hush, I am so rich from adventuring, I never need to eat off the same plate twice". They continue to converse, until....
The trixter rogue then smashes her goblet underneath the heal of her boot. When the tavern keeper comes back out and explains the people at this table need to stop destroying property, she flips the tavern keep another coin, worth more than an entire set of goblets, saying "oh please, I have looted so much coin over the past few days that I never need to drink from the same cup twice".
Before she sits down, the Guardian Fighter, with one deft move draws her sword, spins, and lops the Trixter Rogue's head completely off her shoulders. The crowd gasps and is suddenly silent, everyone contemplating their next move. As the Cleric begins demanding an explanation, the Guardian Fighter interrupts him mid sentence: "oh calm down will ya, there are sooo many Trixter Rogues in this town, we will never have to adventure with the same one twice."
Honestly this should win because it's both funny and true.
Now you have a DnD group.
Guild--And the Imaginary Friends
Necromancers do it with the dead.
Barbarians do it better when they're angry.
Clereics pray so they can do it.
Rangers do it with two hands.
Fighters do it hard and sometimes with chains.
Druids do it with animals.
Bards do it with music.
Wizards read books to do it.
Sorcerors do it spontaneously.
Illusionists pretend to do it.
Enchanters convince you to do it.
Psions do it with their minds.
Monks do it with out wearing a thing.
Mindflayers do it with tentacles.
Shadowdancers do it in the dark.
Elf: "what"?
Orc: "I gotts a joke for ya's"
"What does da man in da moon do when his hair gets long"?
Elf: "I'm sure i do not know"
Orc: "E'clipse it"! hahahahah
Elf: *sigh*
After everyone is done running and screaming, the grimlock yells out "Bartender, give us two drinks, your best stuff!"
The bartender just stands there staring, stone faced.
After waiting a few minutes, the grimlock turns to his date, embarrassed, "Sorry, normally they give better service".
His date, a medusa, shrugs, "Thats fine, my hair was hoping we'd head to that Ratatoulli place anyways".
The grimlock winces, thinking "How am I going to explain that its made from vegetables?"
"A full set of teeth!"
candy,
Tribby stole 3 chocolate bars. When they left the store Tribby said to
Bimmy,
"I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me put them in my
pocket. You cant beat that.
Bimmy replied: "You want to see something better? Let's go back
to the shop and I'll show you real stealing. I'll steal while the shopkeeper
is watching me and he won't even know."
So they went to the counter and Bimmy said to the shopkeeper:
"Do you want to see a great magic trick?" The shopkeeper replied: "Yes"
Bimmy said: "Give me three chocolate bars. "
The shopkeeper gave him three chocolate bars and Bimmy ate all three. The
shopkeeper
asked: "But where's the magic ?"
Bimmy replied: "Look in Tribbys' pocket."
The priestess readily says "I want 999 surface elves and a duergar to be slain."
"Why a duergar?"
"You see? Even you don't care for the darthirii."
He didn't like canned food.
How many kobolds does it take to start a fire?
Only one, but it takes at least 5 more to keep it going for the rest of the night.
What did the bard say to the warrior who tripped and fell on his sword?
You're a natural one.
- Hurry! I need a bonfire! I need pray!
- Tsk ... what's that smell? Oh, Hi Valindra... *glumps*
The orc says, "We orcs need to return to power. I wish all the orcs and half-orcs were returned to their ancient lands." The Efreeti nods his head, and the orc vanishes.
The elf says, "The elves need to get back to their roots. I wish all the elves and half-elves were returned to their ancestral home." The Efreeti nods his head, and the elf vanishes.
The dwarf looks around. "Let me get this straight," the dwarf says, "the orc wished for all the orcs to be gone, and the elf wished for all the elves to be gone?" The Efreeti nods. "Very well, then," said the dwarf, "I'll have an ale."
A drow a dwarf, and a human walk into a secret cave that only shows up under the sky of pure darkness. They see a pedastal with a bar of gold on top underneath a vast crawlspace above it where no light escapes. On the pedestal it says "He who speaks the magic word can lift the gold and not be hurt, but a cursed word that be said will leave the wielder also dead"
The dwarf says "Arr Let me at it" he puts his hand on the gold bar and and instantly falls up into the blackness by some gravity trap
The Drow says "Underdark" and attempts to grab the gold but also blows up.
The Human says "please...?" and touches the gold bar... nothing happens. So he picks it up and walks out of the cave.
Thinking for a second he he says "... really... underdark?" and blows up
joke 2
An ogre walks into a bar with a goblin on his shoulder. The ogre orders two beers. He downs one and a half and his goblin jumps off his shoulder and drinks the last of it, then he runs over to the human at the end of the table and goes "plhehehehe" with his mouth, covering him in spit. Then runs back to the ogres shoulder. This happens about 3 more times and the human has had enough of it, he says "If he spits on me one more time I'll cut his junk off!". the ogre says, "you cant do that... he doesnt have one", the human says ..."well how does he pee?", and the ogre says "Plhehehe".
Seems people'd rather give me the boot,
It's rather depressing I fear,
Might even cause me to shed a tear,
They all tell me, "You're a dime a dozen!"
But seriously guys, you took my cousin,
"Well, he's a Control Wizard" they say,
"Oh, come on guys!" I really want to play,
"Tough luck, group's full"
Well man, if that just isn't bull.