Two rangers that are out hunting for food are walking through Tangleroot Forest, and discover a large well in the ground.
One of the rangers curious as to how deep this well was threw a small stone into and turned his head to listen............nothing. He then gathers up a larger stone, picks it up with both hands and throws it in the well, turns his head to the side to listen............nothing.
He exclaims to his buddy, man, that is some well. Lets find something bigger to throw off in there. Well the two find a cross tie. One says to the other, pick up one side, I'll get the other. Surely when this thing hits the bottom we'll know it. So the two throw this cross-tie into the well and begin to listen.
After a few seconds they hear a goat, wailing at the top of its lungs, while it is running straight toward the two hunters. The goat continues toward them, passes right between the men, and goes off in the well. One hunter in excitement and disbelief, proclaims to the other, did you see that crazy goat!!?? That **** thing just jumped in that well!!
The commotion attracted the attention of a local farmer, and he made his way over to the hunters. He asked the guys, "Have you seen my goat, I cant seem to find him?"
One of the hunters still excited tells the farmer, sure we have seen your goat. He just ran down that hill straight toward us and jumped off in this well. The farmer replies back, nah, that couldn't have been my goat, my goat was tied to a cross-tie.
Okay everyone! sing along with the post to the tune of "Jingle Bells"
Oh slashing through the orcs, with a good two handed blade,
Over the bodies we go, through the gore we wade!
Mace on helmet rings, making bodies fly,
As we sing our slaying song and WATCH THESE SUCKERS DIE!
<Chorus>
Oh Ring their bells, with swords and spells,
Don't let them get away.
We're brave and bold for blood and gold
We'll make a lot today.
Crashing through the door, into the dragon's nose
Our mage whips out his cone of cold, and out his fire goes
Elven bowstrings sing... making demons fall
As our thief finds a secret door right into the treasure hall.
<final chorus>
Oh ring their bells, with swords and spells
Don't let them get away.
We've brave and bold, and CRAZED we're told
To think we'll live the day.
-
Not great at putting this down properly, but it will hopefully amuse someone, and try actually singing it, it works. Right in front of your computer! All together now!
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blankman261Member, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 5Arc User
edited May 2013
The Kabold Homemaker screams " I swear if I get anymore patches to Neverwinter I am going to make a quilt out of them all!!"
Ok...I don't know if this qualify as a joke, but WTH...
That moment when you get to Pirate's Skyhold waiting for pirates and sky monsters, and all you see around this town are giant Half Human-Half reptile monster. And the only thing that you can think is...
"Wow, those Sky Pirates really knew how to have fun. Even the women must have been from another planet"
PS: I read the history around that place. But, when I first saw the inhabitants of this place, the first that image that this place made me think was this .
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manboobguyMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 2Arc User
edited May 2013
Is the Cleric companion code'ed to have the mental agiltiy of a bagel since i thinks it's a tank?
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phayro9999Member, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 2Arc User
edited May 2013
Walking late one night
The fat cleric ran into a wight
He ran as a chance
and he lost his pants
A full moon was seen that night!
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pharoah4187Member, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 25Arc User
edited May 2013
what do you call it when a dwarf is thrashing about wildly trying to keep his head above the water?
bath time
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phayro9999Member, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 2Arc User
edited May 2013
Wonderful! I am such a geek i sang it out loud!
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captainzylasMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 8Arc User
edited May 2013
did you hear about the Kobold who lost his left arm and leg in a fight with a GWF? it's ok, he's all right now
Check out my first foundry quest, "The Lazy Wanderer" NW-DJFWV9A9X
Guardian Fighter, Control Wizard, Rogue and Cleric enter the last boss room. GF runs in the room.
By the time he gets to the boss, the boss is defeated, treasure chest open and CW 'Needed' the Epic Sword of Sharp Objects which was the reason GF gave 4 cats to Cleric so he could come along.
An orc walks into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder and the bartender says "Wow, that's really neat. Where'd you get it?"
"In a cave." the parrot replies.
--- --- ---
A human, an elf, and a half-elf walk into a bar. The dwarf just kept on going....
--- --- ---
A necromancer goes to the necromancer store and picks out a pound of human brains, a pound of elf brains, and a pound of orc brains, "How much for these brains?" he asks the storekeeper.
"5 gold for a pound of human brains, 5 gold for a pound of elf brains, and 1000 gold for a pound of orc brains" the merchant replies.
"1000 for a pound of orc brains? Why so expensive?" the necromancer asks.
"Do you have any idea how many orcs I had to kill to get a pound of brains?"
Here's a TRUE story for you....My friends and roommate and his girlfriend at the time and i are up about 36 hours of almost non-stop role playing D&D ,drunk ,tired and seeing double we decide to call it so we can get some sleep before any of us have to go to work. So in the middle of sleeping my roommates girlfriend wakes him up and asks "Hey...do you smell smoke, I think i smell smoke?". We my roommate being still half asleep then mumbles..." Roll a perception check." rolls over and goes back to sleep. She wakes me up and tells me what happened with a look of shock on her face, and i can do nothing but laugh. Now mind you this is a true story and it was just a neighbors fire place. :rolleyes:
Once upon a time, in a grand old 3rd Edition adventure, I had led one character to his heroic death and decided to play a beefy Minotaur Fighter. His first appearance with the party was in a snow covered, mountain fortress where laired a White Dragon. "White Dragon?", says he, "This will be easy!" The Dragon, she inhaled. The Dragon, she exhaled, and just like that, instead of a Minotaur Fighter, I had a frozen Minotaur-cicle who was used as a sled escape vehicle so the rest of the party could live another day.
A Control Wizard walks into the Fallen Tavern Tavern and asks the bartender, "I'm parched, and I've been traveling for days. If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The Control Wizard reaches into his bag of holding and pulls out a tiny beholder. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny organ. The beholder stretches, cracks his tentacles, and proceeds to play some music.
After the Control Wizard finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "I'm still thirsty. If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his bag of holding and pulls back out the tiny beholder. He reaches into his other bag of holding and pulls out a tiny organ. The beholder stretches, cracks his tentacles, and proceeds to play. The Control Wizard reaches into another bag and pulls out a small kobold, who begins to sing along with the beholder's music.
While the Wizard is enjoying his beverages, a Tiefling Rogue confronts him and offers him $100,000 Astral Diamonds for the Kobold. "Sorry," the Wizard replies, "he's not for sale." The Rogue increases the offer to $250,000 Astral Diamonds up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The Rogue again increases the offer, this time to $500,000 Astral Diamonds, and a Cat. The Wizard finally agrees, and turns the kobold over to the Rogue in exchange for the money and the new companion.
"Are you insane!?" the bartender demanded. "That kobold could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!". The Wizard just shrugged non-chalantly and turned back to the bar. "Don't worry about it." the Wizard answered. "The beholder's a ventriloquist."
The Way of the Samurai is found in death. When it comes to either/or, there is only the quick choice of death. It is not particularly difficult. Be determined and advance.
dndbuffnessMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 9Arc User
edited May 2013
Battle on the beach. I play an eccentric gnome sorcerer who forgot he was a Copper Dragon. Big bad campaign boss summons 3 Huge Water Elementals. Things look grim. Inspiration strikes. One of the purchases I made leaps to my mind. On my turn I grin widely and announce.... "I throw my Eversoaking Sponge at them!! I WIN!" :cool:
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roman0Member, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 1Arc User
edited May 2013
-"How many rogues does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
No one knows, because when the light comes on, they all Vanish!
-A stealthed rogue walks into a bar.
A nearby control wizard sneezes.
The rogue appears and says "OMG! NERF HIS CONTROL".
-What do Rogues and noobs have in common?
They both pick locks
-Tiefling rogues are the best rogues in Neverwinter. Seriously, have you ever seen one? Yeah thought so.
-A Guardian walks up to a Rogue and says "Did you hear Plate-smiths can craft keys now?" Rogue says "What's a key?"
-How many rogues does it take to kill a guardian?
2, one to attack and one waiting in the inn.
-A rogues walks into the bar.
The bartender asks "What kind of drinks you like today, Sir? Beer or a shot?"
Rogue: "I am kind of broke. Give me a Cheap Shot." ;);)
A man comes to a cleric's house with a poisonous curse that has been plaguing him for days. The cleric isn't in his house but the man hears several explosions every 6 seconds. He steps outside again and notices a large hill behind the house, with large beams of light and lightning bolts flashing brightly in time with the explosions.
Crossing the hill, he finds the cleric finishing a fight with dozens of enemies. Although he appears injured, the cleric has killed many more monsters than the man thinks he would care to fight. He approaches with a smile as the last zombie slumps to the ground behind him, a bright brand fading with its unholy life force. The man says hello, but the cleric seems to ignore him and continues walking towards his house.
Not thinking much of it, the man follows and the two sit at the cleric's table, where he asks, "What can I help you with?" The man says he requires healing, and the cleric nods and stands up again. Retrieving a potato peeler, he begins roughly scraping the man's arm with it. He looks quizzically back at the cleric and asks, "What are you doing?" The cleric says, "Peeling, of course. That's what you said, right?"
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huskarrrMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
A necromancer goes to the necromancer store and picks out a pound of human brains, a pound of elf brains, and a pound of orc brains, "How much for these brains?" he asks the storekeeper.
"5 gold for a pound of human brains, 5 gold for a pound of elf brains, and 1000 gold for a pound of orc brains" the merchant replies.
"1000 for a pound of orc brains? Why so expensive?" the necromancer asks.
"Do you have any idea how many orcs I had to kill to get a pound of brains?"
Comments
One of the rangers curious as to how deep this well was threw a small stone into and turned his head to listen............nothing. He then gathers up a larger stone, picks it up with both hands and throws it in the well, turns his head to the side to listen............nothing.
He exclaims to his buddy, man, that is some well. Lets find something bigger to throw off in there. Well the two find a cross tie. One says to the other, pick up one side, I'll get the other. Surely when this thing hits the bottom we'll know it. So the two throw this cross-tie into the well and begin to listen.
After a few seconds they hear a goat, wailing at the top of its lungs, while it is running straight toward the two hunters. The goat continues toward them, passes right between the men, and goes off in the well. One hunter in excitement and disbelief, proclaims to the other, did you see that crazy goat!!?? That **** thing just jumped in that well!!
The commotion attracted the attention of a local farmer, and he made his way over to the hunters. He asked the guys, "Have you seen my goat, I cant seem to find him?"
One of the hunters still excited tells the farmer, sure we have seen your goat. He just ran down that hill straight toward us and jumped off in this well. The farmer replies back, nah, that couldn't have been my goat, my goat was tied to a cross-tie.
TYRS PALADIUM - A Premier Neverwinter Online Guild
No Drama. Camaraderie. TEAM Focus. That's the TYRS way. If that's your style, come join us!
Research our Guild here: Read our official Recruitment thread | Sign up here: Tyrs Guild Website! | NEVERWINTER GUILD LEADERS: Join the Fellowship!
A. A Search Engine
No, you mean AlwaysSummer.
Oh yeah!
Oh slashing through the orcs, with a good two handed blade,
Over the bodies we go, through the gore we wade!
Mace on helmet rings, making bodies fly,
As we sing our slaying song and WATCH THESE SUCKERS DIE!
<Chorus>
Oh Ring their bells, with swords and spells,
Don't let them get away.
We're brave and bold for blood and gold
We'll make a lot today.
Crashing through the door, into the dragon's nose
Our mage whips out his cone of cold, and out his fire goes
Elven bowstrings sing... making demons fall
As our thief finds a secret door right into the treasure hall.
<final chorus>
Oh ring their bells, with swords and spells
Don't let them get away.
We've brave and bold, and CRAZED we're told
To think we'll live the day.
-
Not great at putting this down properly, but it will hopefully amuse someone, and try actually singing it, it works. Right in front of your computer! All together now!
Underdark Breeches!
That moment when you get to Pirate's Skyhold waiting for pirates and sky monsters, and all you see around this town are giant Half Human-Half reptile monster. And the only thing that you can think is...
"Wow, those Sky Pirates really knew how to have fun. Even the women must have been from another planet"
PS: I read the history around that place. But, when I first saw the inhabitants of this place, the first that image that this place made me think was this
The fat cleric ran into a wight
He ran as a chance
and he lost his pants
A full moon was seen that night!
bath time
No, you mean AlwaysSummer.
Oh yeah!
To follow this up, did you hear about the kobold who got into a fight with a wight? It's ok, he' all wight now.
dirtnap gaming
Assistant Community Director
Miz Redavni aka oTRULYoADEPTo
By the time he gets to the boss, the boss is defeated, treasure chest open and CW 'Needed' the Epic Sword of Sharp Objects which was the reason GF gave 4 cats to Cleric so he could come along.
Nothing funny about it really.
And playing by myself since Aug 2009
Godtier: Lifetime Subscriber
Because they're one player short.
What's even less noticeable than a stealthed rogue?
A stealthed rogue halfling.
Why did the rogue halfling think he was a fighter?
He mistook the blade for a sword.
Why is the halfling always called a bully?
Because he can't pick on someone of the same size.
Why am I so hard on halflings?
Oh it's nothing personal, I'm just short on jokes..
(You're cute you fellow halflings
"In a cave." the parrot replies.
--- --- ---
A human, an elf, and a half-elf walk into a bar. The dwarf just kept on going....
--- --- ---
A necromancer goes to the necromancer store and picks out a pound of human brains, a pound of elf brains, and a pound of orc brains, "How much for these brains?" he asks the storekeeper.
"5 gold for a pound of human brains, 5 gold for a pound of elf brains, and 1000 gold for a pound of orc brains" the merchant replies.
"1000 for a pound of orc brains? Why so expensive?" the necromancer asks.
"Do you have any idea how many orcs I had to kill to get a pound of brains?"
--- --- ---
How do they balance the stats for the beholders?
They eyeball 'em.
After the Control Wizard finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "I'm still thirsty. If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his bag of holding and pulls back out the tiny beholder. He reaches into his other bag of holding and pulls out a tiny organ. The beholder stretches, cracks his tentacles, and proceeds to play. The Control Wizard reaches into another bag and pulls out a small kobold, who begins to sing along with the beholder's music.
While the Wizard is enjoying his beverages, a Tiefling Rogue confronts him and offers him $100,000 Astral Diamonds for the Kobold. "Sorry," the Wizard replies, "he's not for sale." The Rogue increases the offer to $250,000 Astral Diamonds up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The Rogue again increases the offer, this time to $500,000 Astral Diamonds, and a Cat. The Wizard finally agrees, and turns the kobold over to the Rogue in exchange for the money and the new companion.
"Are you insane!?" the bartender demanded. "That kobold could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!". The Wizard just shrugged non-chalantly and turned back to the bar. "Don't worry about it." the Wizard answered. "The beholder's a ventriloquist."
Hey..It could happen.
Viconia VrinnGemma Steelheart [GF]
Drelle Demonsong [SW]
Lorakahn Forgedawn
@puresurplus
#TeamFencebane
No one knows, because when the light comes on, they all Vanish!
-A stealthed rogue walks into a bar.
A nearby control wizard sneezes.
The rogue appears and says "OMG! NERF HIS CONTROL".
-What do Rogues and noobs have in common?
They both pick locks
-Tiefling rogues are the best rogues in Neverwinter. Seriously, have you ever seen one? Yeah thought so.
-A Guardian walks up to a Rogue and says "Did you hear Plate-smiths can craft keys now?" Rogue says "What's a key?"
-How many rogues does it take to kill a guardian?
2, one to attack and one waiting in the inn.
-A rogues walks into the bar.
The bartender asks "What kind of drinks you like today, Sir? Beer or a shot?"
Rogue: "I am kind of broke. Give me a Cheap Shot."
Crossing the hill, he finds the cleric finishing a fight with dozens of enemies. Although he appears injured, the cleric has killed many more monsters than the man thinks he would care to fight. He approaches with a smile as the last zombie slumps to the ground behind him, a bright brand fading with its unholy life force. The man says hello, but the cleric seems to ignore him and continues walking towards his house.
Not thinking much of it, the man follows and the two sit at the cleric's table, where he asks, "What can I help you with?" The man says he requires healing, and the cleric nods and stands up again. Retrieving a potato peeler, he begins roughly scraping the man's arm with it. He looks quizzically back at the cleric and asks, "What are you doing?" The cleric says, "Peeling, of course. That's what you said, right?"
"5 gold for a pound of human brains, 5 gold for a pound of elf brains, and 1000 gold for a pound of orc brains" the merchant replies.
"1000 for a pound of orc brains? Why so expensive?" the necromancer asks.
"Do you have any idea how many orcs I had to kill to get a pound of brains?"