"I thought you had a party ready for Cloak Tower today."
The dwarf looked gloomy. "Not now - we lost that Halfling Rogue I liked."
"She was killed?"
"No... For some reason, she decided to take up necromancy! We could have used her as a wizard, I suppose, but now she's hiding from the Neverwinter Guard."
"The Guard - why?"
"Well, she IS a Small Medium at Large..."
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dustyforumMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 0Arc User
An elf, a human and a dwarf are all enjoying drinks in a tavern when each notices a fly in their glass.
The elf places his napkin over the glass and pushes it off to the side.
The human removes the fly and keeps drinking.
The dwarf pulls out the fly and starts yelling, "Spit it out, ya *******! Spit it out!"
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zioralsaMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
A Wizard and a Cleric that had been on countless adventures together had gone to the local tavern for some drinks. After having more than a few drinks they were arguing about whose magic was more powerful. The wizard explains that with a mere gesture he can conjure a bolt of lightning powerful enough to flashboil all of the liquid in an ogre. The cleric replies that by praying to the gods he can bring the dead back to life. "Oh yeah? Well do you know what happens when I hit a kobold in the face with a fireball?" "No, what?" "THE SAME THING THAT HAPPENS TO EVERYTHING ELSE!"
A tough looking Halfling with a large axe strapped to his back walks into the Driftwood Tavern. He rolls his tiny, thick shoulders and tries his hardest to look tough, eyeing the off-duty guards and adventurers sitting around sipping their ale. He runs a hand through his dark hair, and shakes the dust of the road off of his new +3 Greaves of the Agile Turtle.
The patrons of the tavern take a quick glance at the Halfling and immediately dismiss him, turning back to drown their memories of being forced to adventure or perform guard duty on Mount Hotenow.
The Halfling walks over to the job board and starts looking for a suitable quest.
"Let's see here... fifty ogres in your basement? How does that even happen? Sorry... not doing that."
"Wow... Blacklake has a LOT of problems."
He then looks down at his new, shiny greaves. "Nope... too much sludge there."
"Pssst... hey Halfling. Over here," says a patron in a shady corner.
The Halfling looks over to the darkened corner where he sees a shady-looking patron with a mug of ale. His features are hard to make out, but he can make out a bald head and an eye patch. The man gestures again towards the Halfling warrior.
The Halfling shrugs and makes his way over to the table, unslinging his axe and climbing up onto the high bench. He then signals to one of the barmaids, who brings him an ale and a Halfling High Chair (wooden block) to sit on. Now that he can see above the table, he tries to get a good look at the shady patron across from him. The man has a hook on one hand, an eye patch, and a missing leg with a wooden peg leg in it's place.
"So... you a pirate or something?"
The shady patron looks taken aback and shakes his head no. "No... when my friends and I became Epic Heroes of Neverwinter, we got bold and took a contract to slay Hrinmir the Frost Giant at the top of Icespire Peak." He twitches, spilling some of his ale, and continues. "'Twas the worst thing we had ever faced. So much ice... and the golems and trolls... so many of them. They were everywhere... smashing everyone. Phil, our cleric, just kept running in mad circles around the room, must'a been a good 40-50 trolls and golems chasing him. Hrinmir just laughed and sat down on his thrown as Dave, our brave leader, hacked at the giant's boots with his sword and shield. Every once in a while Dave would toss an insult at the golems and trolls to try and get them away from Phil, but to no avail."
He shudders and looks down into his mug as if reliving the entire encounter.
"Jake, our wizard, was just standing there, not able to do anything. He kept trying to choke the golems with magic, but they are golems, and they don't breathe. Plus, he could only choke about one out of the forty there, so to no avail. I could only stare in shock as Phil tripped and the mob of monsters tore him to pieces. Then they all turned on Dave and he never saw them coming. Once Dave was torn limb from limb, the mob turned on us and charged. Jake was flinging the magics like I had never seen before... strange balls that caught the trolls and tossed them around. And when the golems got to him, I remember him calling on the power of ice to throw them all away. He was laughing as he did it... like he always did when he threw enemies around a battlefield. Only... these were Ice Golems, and they must'a weighed a good three tons 'apiece. And they were made of Ice, so, yeah... bad idea. When Jake was paste they turned on me. A couple trolls got me, but Hrinmir had them take my eye, arm, and leg and then send me down the mountain as a warning to others."
He twitches again.
"You know what it is like to crawl down Icespire Peak with one arm and one leg? You just... go in circles on the ice. Eventually one of Hrinmir's guys will come along and kick you a few feet. Thankfully another group of adventurers found me and brought me back to Neverwinter for healing. But that is enough about me."
He twitches again and looks at the Halfling, who is staring at the man in horror. "My name is Bill, One O' Everything Bill they call me. I just kinda sit here, picking up stories and rumors from the locals. I saw you looking at the job board there, and thought I would tell ye about one I heard of."
The Halfling closes his mouth and takes a long swallow of his ale. "Okay Bill, my names Tibblediff Underfoot. Tibs for short, and this here is my axe, the Shortinator. Because I usually swing at legs...," he shrugs. "Anyhow Bill, just call me Tibs."
He extends a hand in greeting, and Bill places his hook in his hand. Not sure what to do, he shakes the hook up and down then wipes his hand on his chest.
Bill looks intensely at Tibs with his one eye, and begins. "'Twas a wizard came in here one day. He was bragging to some adventurers about a challenge he had created."
"A challenge?," asked Tibs.
"Aye, a challenge. A place full o' random monsters he has captured in his travels. A place full o' traps and magical puzzles. A place with treasure," he finishes, a gleam in his eye.
Tibs shrugs. "Sounds challenging... but why would he do that? What exactly is he trying to prove?"
Bill shrugs too. "He said he did it, because he could! Something about an arcane Foundry... not sure. But the treasure! He said the chest is full o' silver... and there might even be an item in it. Some sort of magical boots or gloves that you likely will have no use for and be forced to donate to a cleric or a rogue, like meself."
Bill smiles, but Tibs looks unimpressed. "I can always use silver... but why would I want boots that only a Cleric can wear? That does not even make sense."
Bill shrugs again. "Durned if I know. But it is an adventure, and one full of monsters for ye to chop with yer axe. And guaranteed silver. Oh, and some random Kobold is giving away diamonds to the first person who can do it twice."
Tibs shakes his head. "You realize that everything you just said really makes no sense at all and seems logically impossible. I have to endure this torture twice for some diamonds that for some reason the gods drop on my head for free when I pray to them? How does the wizard even repopulate this challenge? Why does a Kobold have a bunch of diamonds he is giving out to random people that do random things?"
Bill raises his hook and says excitedly,"that my little friend is the greatest mystery of all. Soon, you too will be an Epic Hero, and you will find yourself drawn to this Kobold and his treasures. For now though, you must complete the Wizard's Challenge... TWICE!"
Tibs crosses his arms. "No! It does not even make sense!"
Bill laughs. "Little half-man, you have already talked to me about it, and I have written it in your journal which I took from ye while you were listening to my story. Therefore you must complete the challenge."
Tibs pulls his journal out of his satchel and opens it to find "Act 1: The Wizards Challenge v2.3 L33t XP" written within. "How? Why?" He angrily shoves his journal back into his satchel and shoots Bill a glaring look while grabbing the Shortinator. He then storms out of the Tavern.
Bill laughs to himself. A wizard approaches and sits down across from Bill while pushing the Halfling High Chair out of the way. His cowl hides his face, and he slides a gold piece across the table to Bill, who greedily grabs it and shoves it into his belt pouch.
"Author thanks you for helping him increase the popularity of his challenge. He says that there is more where that came from as long as you keep sending him different people to perform his challenge."
Bill raises his hook in thanks, twitches, and takes a swig of his ale. The wizard then gets up and leaves the Tavern. Bill notices a noble-looking Elf with a shield strapped to his back and a shining sword on his hip staring at the jobs board.
An adventurer stalking through a dungeon comes across a small group of kobolds circling a chest chanting:
"Nine! Nine! Nine! Nine! Nine!"
The adventurer creeps forward, confused, and slays the group of kobolds before they can react. Having murdered the monsters, he cautiously approaches the chest and lifts its lid. Springing to life, the mimic swallows the man in a single gulp, killing him instantly.
One kobold, barely alive looks up from the floor of the cave and softly whispers. "Ten...ten...ten.."
Lord Neverember was riding in his carriage back to the castle one day when he seen two peasants eating grass on the side of the road. He got the driver to stop and went and asked the men what they were doing.
"I'm so poor sire, and with the realm in such despair, all I can afford to eat is grass" he replied.
"This won't do" replied the Lord, "you shall come with me back to the castle."
Lord Neverember went on to the second peasant and asked why he was eating the grass?
"The same as the other fellow," stated the peasant. "I'm so poor all I can afford to eat is grass as well."
"This won't do" replied the Lord. "You shall also accompany me back to the castle"
As the carriage left with the Lord and the two peasants on board, they thanked Lord Neverember for his grand gesture.
"You will love it at the castle" the Lord proclaimed, "The grass is at least a foot high there."
A dwarven woman walks by a pet shop with a parrot in the window. The parrot says "Hey lady! You're ugly!" The woman gets all flustered and walks away quickly.
On her way back, she passes by the store again, and the parrot says "Hey lady! You're ugly!" Furious, she storms into the store and yells at the owner with all sorts of threats. He apologizes and says it won't happen again.
The next day, she walks by the store and the parrot says "Hey lady!" She looks over and says "Yes?", to which he replies "You know."
**During a Dungeons and Dragons gaming session with friends!**
GM: Ok at this juncture in your travels,..well that was a wasted post..didn't even post my whole post. dang bugs! Wasted joke.:mad:
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isazisaMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
Sir Mongrel , knight of Neverwinter, is hurrying home on a cold, dark, wet night when suddenly, his horse stumbles and dies on the spot. All Sir Mongrel can do is collect what belongings he can and tramp onward.
After staggering for a spell, he decides he must get new transport. He heads for the nearest house which, as luck would have it, is a small farm. He bangs on the door and shouts 'A horse! A horse!. I must have a horse!".
The door opens to reveal a young girl. She looks at Sir Mongrel and says, "Your pardon, good knight but my father and brothers are on the other side of the forest and will not be back before tomorrow. They are riding all our horses".
Sir Mongrel , saddened by this, says "But I must return home immediately. Have you any idea where I may acquire alternative mount ?".
The young girl says "I know of no other horses hereabouts, but sometimes my brothers ride our Great Dane when the need arises. Would that help?"
Sir Mongrel is desperate and says "If I must, I must. Show me the animal". The young girl leads the way to a stable. She disappears inside and returns leading an enormous dog which is quite of a size for riding. Unfortunately, the dog has seen better days. Its coat is threadbare, its legs are spindly and it seems to be breathing laboriously.
Sir Mongrel looks at the young girl and says, "Surely, you wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?"
The Bard invites his friend adventures, the half-orc barbarian:
- They look'm inviting you to celebrate the 5 year anniversary of my daughter.
The barbarian scratches his head thoughtfully, and responds:
- All right, but I can only get a maximum of 2 years.
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rielamkinMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 5Arc User
edited May 2013
Tobias Drake, GWF, tired from a day of destroying drow walks into the bar, finds a table and sits down with a sigh. A barmaid approaches and asks him what he would like. Tobias, tired, is a little confused as to which game he's playing. He pipes up "Romulan Ale!" As the barmaid looks at him with eyebrows raised, he repeats himself. "Romulan Ale!" She shrugs and heads to the kitchen. He watches her go, then realizes what he said, and then starts laughing. About 15 minutes go by and she comes out of the kitchen, carrying a covered plate and a tankard. She plops it onto the table and removes the cover, revealing a pile of warm, raw meat. "Here's your raw mule and ale sir."
A human cleric, a half elf druid and a fighter dwarf go to the bathroom in a tavern.
When you leave there, you can see a bowl full of water, where they can wash.
The priest approaches the basin and begins to wash hands vigorously until the elbows. He said to his companions:
"- The clergy teaches us that cleanliness is a virtue, and one way to achieve divinity."
The druid approaches the bowl, just wash your palms and says:
"- Our ancestors teach us that we should not waste natural resources!"
The dwarf, turns his back and walks over to the tavern, when he says:
"My father taught me to not <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font> on my hand!"
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archonadeptMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 1Arc User
edited May 2013
Did you hear about the control wizard who spent all his time in Tailoring and Leadership professions?
They say he has a high degree of WITCH-CRAFTSMANSHIP.
Comments
"I thought you had a party ready for Cloak Tower today."
The dwarf looked gloomy. "Not now - we lost that Halfling Rogue I liked."
"She was killed?"
"No... For some reason, she decided to take up necromancy! We could have used her as a wizard, I suppose, but now she's hiding from the Neverwinter Guard."
"The Guard - why?"
"Well, she IS a Small Medium at Large..."
Ash Wednesday!!!
Anywhere as long as its Ivy league
(didn't want to make it obvious with the spelling)
An Armour Hot Dog.
Let the bodies hit the floor! Let the bodies hit the floor! Let the bodied hit the FLOOOOR!
The elf places his napkin over the glass and pushes it off to the side.
The human removes the fly and keeps drinking.
The dwarf pulls out the fly and starts yelling, "Spit it out, ya *******! Spit it out!"
The patrons of the tavern take a quick glance at the Halfling and immediately dismiss him, turning back to drown their memories of being forced to adventure or perform guard duty on Mount Hotenow.
The Halfling walks over to the job board and starts looking for a suitable quest.
"Let's see here... fifty ogres in your basement? How does that even happen? Sorry... not doing that."
"Wow... Blacklake has a LOT of problems."
He then looks down at his new, shiny greaves. "Nope... too much sludge there."
"Pssst... hey Halfling. Over here," says a patron in a shady corner.
The Halfling looks over to the darkened corner where he sees a shady-looking patron with a mug of ale. His features are hard to make out, but he can make out a bald head and an eye patch. The man gestures again towards the Halfling warrior.
The Halfling shrugs and makes his way over to the table, unslinging his axe and climbing up onto the high bench. He then signals to one of the barmaids, who brings him an ale and a Halfling High Chair (wooden block) to sit on. Now that he can see above the table, he tries to get a good look at the shady patron across from him. The man has a hook on one hand, an eye patch, and a missing leg with a wooden peg leg in it's place.
"So... you a pirate or something?"
The shady patron looks taken aback and shakes his head no. "No... when my friends and I became Epic Heroes of Neverwinter, we got bold and took a contract to slay Hrinmir the Frost Giant at the top of Icespire Peak." He twitches, spilling some of his ale, and continues. "'Twas the worst thing we had ever faced. So much ice... and the golems and trolls... so many of them. They were everywhere... smashing everyone. Phil, our cleric, just kept running in mad circles around the room, must'a been a good 40-50 trolls and golems chasing him. Hrinmir just laughed and sat down on his thrown as Dave, our brave leader, hacked at the giant's boots with his sword and shield. Every once in a while Dave would toss an insult at the golems and trolls to try and get them away from Phil, but to no avail."
He shudders and looks down into his mug as if reliving the entire encounter.
"Jake, our wizard, was just standing there, not able to do anything. He kept trying to choke the golems with magic, but they are golems, and they don't breathe. Plus, he could only choke about one out of the forty there, so to no avail. I could only stare in shock as Phil tripped and the mob of monsters tore him to pieces. Then they all turned on Dave and he never saw them coming. Once Dave was torn limb from limb, the mob turned on us and charged. Jake was flinging the magics like I had never seen before... strange balls that caught the trolls and tossed them around. And when the golems got to him, I remember him calling on the power of ice to throw them all away. He was laughing as he did it... like he always did when he threw enemies around a battlefield. Only... these were Ice Golems, and they must'a weighed a good three tons 'apiece. And they were made of Ice, so, yeah... bad idea. When Jake was paste they turned on me. A couple trolls got me, but Hrinmir had them take my eye, arm, and leg and then send me down the mountain as a warning to others."
He twitches again.
"You know what it is like to crawl down Icespire Peak with one arm and one leg? You just... go in circles on the ice. Eventually one of Hrinmir's guys will come along and kick you a few feet. Thankfully another group of adventurers found me and brought me back to Neverwinter for healing. But that is enough about me."
He twitches again and looks at the Halfling, who is staring at the man in horror. "My name is Bill, One O' Everything Bill they call me. I just kinda sit here, picking up stories and rumors from the locals. I saw you looking at the job board there, and thought I would tell ye about one I heard of."
The Halfling closes his mouth and takes a long swallow of his ale. "Okay Bill, my names Tibblediff Underfoot. Tibs for short, and this here is my axe, the Shortinator. Because I usually swing at legs...," he shrugs. "Anyhow Bill, just call me Tibs."
He extends a hand in greeting, and Bill places his hook in his hand. Not sure what to do, he shakes the hook up and down then wipes his hand on his chest.
Bill looks intensely at Tibs with his one eye, and begins. "'Twas a wizard came in here one day. He was bragging to some adventurers about a challenge he had created."
"A challenge?," asked Tibs.
"Aye, a challenge. A place full o' random monsters he has captured in his travels. A place full o' traps and magical puzzles. A place with treasure," he finishes, a gleam in his eye.
Tibs shrugs. "Sounds challenging... but why would he do that? What exactly is he trying to prove?"
Bill shrugs too. "He said he did it, because he could! Something about an arcane Foundry... not sure. But the treasure! He said the chest is full o' silver... and there might even be an item in it. Some sort of magical boots or gloves that you likely will have no use for and be forced to donate to a cleric or a rogue, like meself."
Bill smiles, but Tibs looks unimpressed. "I can always use silver... but why would I want boots that only a Cleric can wear? That does not even make sense."
Bill shrugs again. "Durned if I know. But it is an adventure, and one full of monsters for ye to chop with yer axe. And guaranteed silver. Oh, and some random Kobold is giving away diamonds to the first person who can do it twice."
Tibs shakes his head. "You realize that everything you just said really makes no sense at all and seems logically impossible. I have to endure this torture twice for some diamonds that for some reason the gods drop on my head for free when I pray to them? How does the wizard even repopulate this challenge? Why does a Kobold have a bunch of diamonds he is giving out to random people that do random things?"
Bill raises his hook and says excitedly,"that my little friend is the greatest mystery of all. Soon, you too will be an Epic Hero, and you will find yourself drawn to this Kobold and his treasures. For now though, you must complete the Wizard's Challenge... TWICE!"
Tibs crosses his arms. "No! It does not even make sense!"
Bill laughs. "Little half-man, you have already talked to me about it, and I have written it in your journal which I took from ye while you were listening to my story. Therefore you must complete the challenge."
Tibs pulls his journal out of his satchel and opens it to find "Act 1: The Wizards Challenge v2.3 L33t XP" written within. "How? Why?" He angrily shoves his journal back into his satchel and shoots Bill a glaring look while grabbing the Shortinator. He then storms out of the Tavern.
Bill laughs to himself. A wizard approaches and sits down across from Bill while pushing the Halfling High Chair out of the way. His cowl hides his face, and he slides a gold piece across the table to Bill, who greedily grabs it and shoves it into his belt pouch.
"Author thanks you for helping him increase the popularity of his challenge. He says that there is more where that came from as long as you keep sending him different people to perform his challenge."
Bill raises his hook in thanks, twitches, and takes a swig of his ale. The wizard then gets up and leaves the Tavern. Bill notices a noble-looking Elf with a shield strapped to his back and a shining sword on his hip staring at the jobs board.
"Psst... hey Elf, over here," he says.
@kmhknight
My campaign: The Madness Plague.
My quest: Blacklake Gold
My guild: "The Older" Age 30+, Casual
"Nine! Nine! Nine! Nine! Nine!"
The adventurer creeps forward, confused, and slays the group of kobolds before they can react. Having murdered the monsters, he cautiously approaches the chest and lifts its lid. Springing to life, the mimic swallows the man in a single gulp, killing him instantly.
One kobold, barely alive looks up from the floor of the cave and softly whispers. "Ten...ten...ten.."
A Myth!!!
"I'm so poor sire, and with the realm in such despair, all I can afford to eat is grass" he replied.
"This won't do" replied the Lord, "you shall come with me back to the castle."
Lord Neverember went on to the second peasant and asked why he was eating the grass?
"The same as the other fellow," stated the peasant. "I'm so poor all I can afford to eat is grass as well."
"This won't do" replied the Lord. "You shall also accompany me back to the castle"
As the carriage left with the Lord and the two peasants on board, they thanked Lord Neverember for his grand gesture.
"You will love it at the castle" the Lord proclaimed, "The grass is at least a foot high there."
when a rogue used Deft Strike on her
he got a loading screen
Because he's a necRomantic at heart!
or
"We want addons!!!"
for the record - hell no!
In Soviet Russia, Gnome save you!:D
Everything, Can be accomplished with stealth, and a chicken!:cool:
Quick! Use the madusa mask on the flying dragon!:eek:
OMG!, ITS RAINING STONE DRAGONS!:p
On her way back, she passes by the store again, and the parrot says "Hey lady! You're ugly!" Furious, she storms into the store and yells at the owner with all sorts of threats. He apologizes and says it won't happen again.
The next day, she walks by the store and the parrot says "Hey lady!" She looks over and says "Yes?", to which he replies "You know."
GM: Ok at this juncture in your travels,..well that was a wasted post..didn't even post my whole post. dang bugs! Wasted joke.:mad:
After staggering for a spell, he decides he must get new transport. He heads for the nearest house which, as luck would have it, is a small farm. He bangs on the door and shouts 'A horse! A horse!. I must have a horse!".
The door opens to reveal a young girl. She looks at Sir Mongrel and says, "Your pardon, good knight but my father and brothers are on the other side of the forest and will not be back before tomorrow. They are riding all our horses".
Sir Mongrel , saddened by this, says "But I must return home immediately. Have you any idea where I may acquire alternative mount ?".
The young girl says "I know of no other horses hereabouts, but sometimes my brothers ride our Great Dane when the need arises. Would that help?"
Sir Mongrel is desperate and says "If I must, I must. Show me the animal". The young girl leads the way to a stable. She disappears inside and returns leading an enormous dog which is quite of a size for riding. Unfortunately, the dog has seen better days. Its coat is threadbare, its legs are spindly and it seems to be breathing laboriously.
Sir Mongrel looks at the young girl and says, "Surely, you wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?"
- They look'm inviting you to celebrate the 5 year anniversary of my daughter.
The barbarian scratches his head thoughtfully, and responds:
- All right, but I can only get a maximum of 2 years.
When you leave there, you can see a bowl full of water, where they can wash.
The priest approaches the basin and begins to wash hands vigorously until the elbows. He said to his companions:
"- The clergy teaches us that cleanliness is a virtue, and one way to achieve divinity."
The druid approaches the bowl, just wash your palms and says:
"- Our ancestors teach us that we should not waste natural resources!"
The dwarf, turns his back and walks over to the tavern, when he says:
"My father taught me to not <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font> on my hand!"
They say he has a high degree of WITCH-CRAFTSMANSHIP.
:cool:
Where are your dragons ?
or dwarf: seductive dance.
ok that is all i got
neverwinter guy:who's there
me: cash
neverwinter guy: cash who
me: no thanks i prefer peanut