Archie asked Harry the dwarf for the time, Harry looked at his wrist and was dumbfounded, Jess whispered as she passed by Harry, "Time Harry got a new watch." Harry spun on his heel and yelled as Jess waved to them both from beyond the ridge with Harry's silver watch glinting on her trickster wrist.
angelusoruinaMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Hero UsersPosts: 2Arc User
edited May 2013
I was riding down Coriol Street, when I get a evil stare from a halfling, then he disappeared ... my armored bear was hungry anyways.
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moghedieneMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 1Arc User
edited May 2013
Two GWF were arguing about tactics, weapons and their Special skills.
A TR walks bye and shakes his head "listening to you guys talking about taking out opponents is like listening to blind drows talking about Colors"
Two gnomes , both priest of Gond, are discussing plans for a new iron gollem. Suddenly a beautifull priestess off sune walks in. Sha walks over to the gnome and, trying to seduce them, ask what there up to. The gnomes, not impressed bye her looks and more disturbed then intrested ignore her. She keeps asking questions and finaly the gnomes are fed up. "allright says the first gnome, if you can tell us the difference between a bolt a screw and a nail we will give you all the attention you want !"....the sune prietress think long and hard and after a few minutes she says " I can't answer correctly, you see, i've never been bolted before."
This Half-Orc goes to see the Cleric and the cleric asks him what the problem is.
The Half-Orc touches his right shoulder and says, "It hurts here".
He then touches his right knee and says "It hurts here"
He then touches his left elbow and says "and it hurts here"
The Cleric interrupts him before he can touch another body part and explains....
You have a broken finger.
Outpost of the orcs, night. Suddenly a ringing axes, screams, squeals, then everything dies down. Local runs on the report to the sergeant:
- I am there it is, I see, is a dwarf, a bearded man in a red robe, well I'd take my axe and ...
- *****! Because of people like you we have a third year without Santa Claus!
The great battle was over and Neverwinter, the Jewel of the North, was once again secure. Despite the victory, the Lord Protector was saddened because it had cost Neverwinter the life of their greatest hero, who fell when his party was overrun by ogres in a fierce battle for the city gate. Determined to pay homage to this mighty warrior, the Lord Protector commissioned a team of artists to build not just a statue, but an entire courtyard of sculptures dedicated to the memory of Neverwinter's greatest hero.
Walls were built around the courtyard and time went by. Those passing by could hear the work of the hammers and chisels as a dozen artists labored dawn to dusk to create a fitting tribute. A month went by, then six. After a year, the artists returned to the Lord Protector to proclaim their work was complete.
The Lord Protector was overjoyed. It had been a long year, but he would finally be able to see the tribute. Crowds gathered around and the walls were allowed to fall. There before them was a cotton field. In the center of the cotton field was a cow wearing a halo. The cow, whose expression was one of concern, was wearing a halo. All around this cow was a band of ogres. Everywhere one looked ogres were busy picking the cotton.
The Lord Protector was not pleased. He turned to the artists and demanded an explanation.
"We have not only captured the fall of our hero, we have captured his final words," stated one of the dozen.
"What are you talking about?" said the Lord Protector.
"Are you not familiar with his final words?" asked anoher artist.
"I am sorry to say I do not know them," replied the Lord Protector.
The artist said, "They were as follows: Holy Cow! Where'd all these cotton-pickin' ogres come from?"
An elf, halfling and dwarf enter a seedy bar for a drink after a long day of adventuring. They each order drinks and a fly ends up landing in each one.
The elf sees the fly, is grossed out, and throws the drink away.
The halfling just shoos the fly away then drinks it anyways.
The dwarf snatches the fly and shakes it over his mug shouting "Give it all back ye 'lil scum!"
The great battle was over and Neverwinter, the Jewel of the North, was once again secure. Despite the victory, the Lord Protector was saddened because it had cost Neverwinter the life of their greatest hero, who fell when his party was overrun by ogres in a fierce battle for the city gate. Determined to pay homage to this mighty warrior, the Lord Protector commissioned a team of artists to build not just a statue, but an entire courtyard of sculptures dedicated to the memory of Neverwinter's greatest hero.
Walls were built around the courtyard and time went by. Those passing by could hear the work of the hammers and chisels as a dozen artists labored dawn to dusk to create a fitting tribute. A month went by, then six. After a year, the artists returned to the Lord Protector to proclaim their work was complete.
The Lord Protector was overjoyed. It had been a long year, but he would finally be able to see the tribute. Crowds gathered around and the walls were allowed to fall. There before them was a cotton field. In the center of the cotton field was a cow wearing a halo. The cow, whose expression was one of concern, was wearing a halo. All around this cow was a band of ogres. Everywhere one looked ogres were busy picking the cotton.
The Lord Protector was not pleased. He turned to the artists and demanded an explanation.
"We have not only captured the fall of our hero, we have captured his final words," stated one of the dozen.
"What are you talking about?" said the Lord Protector.
"Are you not familiar with his final words?" asked anoher artist.
"I am sorry to say I do not know them," replied the Lord Protector.
The artist said, "They were as follows: Holy Cow! Where'd all these cotton-pickin' ogres come from?"
This one deserves to win.
Sadly most of these jokes are taken right from a collection of D&D jokes that already exists, way to be creative guys...
I hope yours isn't one of them.
shaosyantMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Hero Users, Neverwinter Knight of the Feywild UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
Joke one: Once upon a time, the Spider Queen Lolth had a penchant for sea-life, along with her drow. Though not a true aquatic deity she still had a penchant for mixing and matching her beloved dark elves with creatures. One of her first ever creations was the Drobster, while formidable it displeased the not-yet-spider queen. So she searched the seas high and low to fufill her need for multi-limbed creatures to create the ultimate form of art. Unfortunately she found the crab next and the result was rather Drab.
But nut yet disuaded, she moved on from crustaceans, but not shellfish entirely, because she next witnessed the beauty of a Squid. The unfortunate result is what we all now know as a Druid.
Joke Two! Once upon a time three men of three faiths had a lengthy meet in the woods to discuss their deities. A Malarite hunter, a Druid acolyte of Silvanus, and a young priest of Shar. After the debate lulled they decided to have a meal and then relieve themselves in the wood. When it was time to clean up they met once again by a pond to wash up.
The Malarite dunked his face and hands into the water and washed liberally, and exclaimed that his patron looked favorably on those who could take what they wanted from nature and use it.
The Druid was much more respectful as he washed his hands, using just enough water to clean. He informed that nature was a careful balance and that only what was absolutely needed should be used.
The priest of Shar dunked his pants into the water with embarrassment and proclaimed that the Lady of Loss had made him forget how to undo his trousers for business.
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asg4rdlordMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 4Arc User
edited May 2013
A Half Orc fighter, notices the beautiful Orc Dancer at the Fallen Tower Tavern.
"'Oy Breella, wanna spend da night in my tent?", he shouts
"My name's not Breella" she replies
"Uh...dat's not what I asked!"
Helgog the half orc went to see the cleric. "Cleric, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
Two rogue mateys meet. One of them is wearing a silly suit...backwards.
-Hey, sorry about yesterday's bet, Akill. I was sure you'd win! - said Ter.
-*sigh* You know very well I never win, Ter...
Party is in the underdark, walking through cavern after cavern. The thief runs ahead to check the next room well ahead of the rest of the party.
Dm: You are staring into a remarkably well-lit cavern. In the center there is a Gazeebo. You see nothing else out of place.
Thief: I hide. (rolls d20) I got a 26. Does the Gazeebo see me.
Dm: Uh, no.
Thief: I sneak up behind it. Crit success on my Move Silently.
Dm: Ooookaaay. You are behind the Gazeebo.
Thief: I backstab the Gazeebo. Crit on attack. 38 damage to the Gazeebo.
Dm: You plant the blade of your dagger firmly into the WOOD OF THE GAZEEBO!!!!
Thief: Oh, that kind of Gazeebo.
Drow ambusher: Oh for the love of Lloth.
An Elf, Half-Elf, Half-Orc and Dwarf walk into the Fallen Tower Tavern and each order a tankard of ale. Each tankard has a dead insect floating in the ale.
The Elf tossed the tankard back at the barkeep and starts berating the establishment.
The Half-Elf rolls his eyes, picks out the bug and starts sipping his ale with a smile on this face.
The Half-Orc, not seeing the problem, chugs down both ale and insect and follows with a loud belch.
The Dwarf, clearly angry, carefully lifts out the insect and while shaking it upside down over the tankard says "Spit it out ye vile thief! Spit it out I say."
Most of Faerun races are quite similar in fact. For example: a father asked what is most important to be a good father either if it's human, elf or halfling would say pretty much similar things. Sole exception though ought to be dwarves, since they and they only teach their daughters how to shave a beard. Yet... this difference seem understandable.
"You stand as inspiration. You are practically the Avatar of Buttkicking." -Quote towards Minsc "I choose You Jymaru!" ~for there are times when more than words need to do the talk
Comments
It was dead...
A TR walks bye and shakes his head "listening to you guys talking about taking out opponents is like listening to blind drows talking about Colors"
:-)
Out-of control wizard!
...
becouse there were no wise men!
answer google dungeons and dragons jokes
but seriously original
what do you have to watch out for when kissing a dainty half orc
answer getting your top lip ripped off
The Half-Orc touches his right shoulder and says, "It hurts here".
He then touches his right knee and says "It hurts here"
He then touches his left elbow and says "and it hurts here"
The Cleric interrupts him before he can touch another body part and explains....
You have a broken finger.
- Who's there?
*I never win
- I never win who?
* I never winned her heart
- She's a lich you idiot - she doesn't have one!
....hello? ... is this thing on? ... hello?
- I am there it is, I see, is a dwarf, a bearded man in a red robe, well I'd take my axe and ...
- *****! Because of people like you we have a third year without Santa Claus!
Dungeon Master: Knock, Knock!
Player: Who's there?
Dungeon Master: Impatient Gelatinous Cube!
Player: Impatient Gelatin...
Dungeon Master: Shluuuuuuuurrrrrrrrppppppp!!!!!
*bows*
Thorguild
Walls were built around the courtyard and time went by. Those passing by could hear the work of the hammers and chisels as a dozen artists labored dawn to dusk to create a fitting tribute. A month went by, then six. After a year, the artists returned to the Lord Protector to proclaim their work was complete.
The Lord Protector was overjoyed. It had been a long year, but he would finally be able to see the tribute. Crowds gathered around and the walls were allowed to fall. There before them was a cotton field. In the center of the cotton field was a cow wearing a halo. The cow, whose expression was one of concern, was wearing a halo. All around this cow was a band of ogres. Everywhere one looked ogres were busy picking the cotton.
The Lord Protector was not pleased. He turned to the artists and demanded an explanation.
"We have not only captured the fall of our hero, we have captured his final words," stated one of the dozen.
"What are you talking about?" said the Lord Protector.
"Are you not familiar with his final words?" asked anoher artist.
"I am sorry to say I do not know them," replied the Lord Protector.
The artist said, "They were as follows: Holy Cow! Where'd all these cotton-pickin' ogres come from?"
The elf sees the fly, is grossed out, and throws the drink away.
The halfling just shoos the fly away then drinks it anyways.
The dwarf snatches the fly and shakes it over his mug shouting "Give it all back ye 'lil scum!"
This one deserves to win.
Sadly most of these jokes are taken right from a collection of D&D jokes that already exists, way to be creative guys...
I hope yours isn't one of them.
But nut yet disuaded, she moved on from crustaceans, but not shellfish entirely, because she next witnessed the beauty of a Squid. The unfortunate result is what we all now know as a Druid.
Joke Two! Once upon a time three men of three faiths had a lengthy meet in the woods to discuss their deities. A Malarite hunter, a Druid acolyte of Silvanus, and a young priest of Shar. After the debate lulled they decided to have a meal and then relieve themselves in the wood. When it was time to clean up they met once again by a pond to wash up.
The Malarite dunked his face and hands into the water and washed liberally, and exclaimed that his patron looked favorably on those who could take what they wanted from nature and use it.
The Druid was much more respectful as he washed his hands, using just enough water to clean. He informed that nature was a careful balance and that only what was absolutely needed should be used.
The priest of Shar dunked his pants into the water with embarrassment and proclaimed that the Lady of Loss had made him forget how to undo his trousers for business.
"'Oy Breella, wanna spend da night in my tent?", he shouts
"My name's not Breella" she replies
"Uh...dat's not what I asked!"
/zone LV83 Troll LF1M TR: Epic Gauntlgrym - 24k gs+ only - must have cleared 21+ times and wear rouge - no pst, reply in zone.
-Hey, sorry about yesterday's bet, Akill. I was sure you'd win! - said Ter.
-*sigh* You know very well I never win, Ter...
Party is in the underdark, walking through cavern after cavern. The thief runs ahead to check the next room well ahead of the rest of the party.
Dm: You are staring into a remarkably well-lit cavern. In the center there is a Gazeebo. You see nothing else out of place.
Thief: I hide. (rolls d20) I got a 26. Does the Gazeebo see me.
Dm: Uh, no.
Thief: I sneak up behind it. Crit success on my Move Silently.
Dm: Ooookaaay. You are behind the Gazeebo.
Thief: I backstab the Gazeebo. Crit on attack. 38 damage to the Gazeebo.
Dm: You plant the blade of your dagger firmly into the WOOD OF THE GAZEEBO!!!!
Thief: Oh, that kind of Gazeebo.
Drow ambusher: Oh for the love of Lloth.
Drow decend and kill thief horribly.
Funniest night of my life.
The Elf tossed the tankard back at the barkeep and starts berating the establishment.
The Half-Elf rolls his eyes, picks out the bug and starts sipping his ale with a smile on this face.
The Half-Orc, not seeing the problem, chugs down both ale and insect and follows with a loud belch.
The Dwarf, clearly angry, carefully lifts out the insect and while shaking it upside down over the tankard says "Spit it out ye vile thief! Spit it out I say."
I've got my eye on you!
Bazinga!
Racial differences
Most of Faerun races are quite similar in fact. For example: a father asked what is most important to be a good father either if it's human, elf or halfling would say pretty much similar things. Sole exception though ought to be dwarves, since they and they only teach their daughters how to shave a beard. Yet... this difference seem understandable.
WELCOME TO MY ART CORNER!
"I choose You Jymaru!" ~for there are times when more than words need to do the talk