Why did the Fighter let the Rogue choose the party's Warlock? Because he was good at picking 'Locks.
How many Halflings does it take to light a candle?
A. You mean you'd trust a halfling with your candle?
An elf, a human, a halfling and an orc are walking along the city streets. They come to the elvish section of town and the elf exclaims 'Now here you have a fine example of neo-Third Age architecture!'. The orc shakes his head and the four walk on. When they come to the human part of town, the human says 'Ah, but we have built in the finiest neo-Classical style'. Again, the orc shakes his head and they all walk on. Approaching the Orc part of town, they pass by a large hovel which promptly grows tentacles, snags the elf and human, and devours them. As they run awaym the halfling looks at the orc. "What kind of architecture is THAT?!"
The orc looks at the halfling. "Neo-otyugh."
A dwarf and an elf step into a restaraunt and sit at the table. The waitress asks if she could take their order.
The Dwarf says. "I'll take a 24oz steak. Rare. With a bottle of Dragonfire."
The Waitress responds, "And what about the vegetable?"
The Dwarf looks at the elf and growls, "He'll take the steak too, and HE'LL LIKE IT!"
0
Options
tyranionMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
So far my only regret is that there is no monster named "The Darkness" for me to cast Magic Missile on while loudly announcing my actions to the party.
Why does a Dancing Sword always follow its master?
It is trying get into that swaying sheaf.
Genus Draco Fad and the Muster@Jintortle
ID: NW-DD5FLOBTJ Cult of the Dragon Foundry Contest - Please participate and vote for your favourite - 26/6/2014 contest rating begins.
Sir Camps A Lot. Mr SlingShot Boom. XX Phantasmagorical. Jinn Dragonfeast.
SlingShot Boom Jr. Jocan Traders. Little Lord Forgatty, Dwarf Mean and introducing Necro Torquemada (The Warlock)
So there was this one time during the siege of Neverwinter, when Valindra's forces had managed to overrun the Moonstone Mask's defenders. They'd put up quite the fight, but ultimately were defeated. However a funny thing happened. Valindra spared them, but demanded they put on a show for her entourage of Ghouls, Ghasts, Wights and all manner of undead Lieutenants and hanger's on. No really some of them had been dead and damaged so much from the battle their parts were literally hanging on. So anyway..
The Moonstone Mask put on it's grandest of performance's, for their lives depended on it! The acts were worthy of many a Seal of the Drake, though, throughout the sets, there was this one fellow who would not stop moaning and groaning, you know as many an Undead do. "Uggghhhh" this and "Ugnhhnnnhhh" that, there was much 'Glibbering and Meeping' all throughout.
Attempts to quiet the noisome fiend in the rear seats, with 'shushing' were met with even louder groans, all to no avail.
At the end of the performance, Valindra herself went up to the bloody corpse that was draped over a chair and not recognizing this new member of her horde, she demanded they tell her where they came from!
It gurgled it's pain-filled reply before expiring finally, pointing upwards... "The Balcony..."
0
Options
darthpepperMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 1Arc User
edited May 2013
Did you hear about the illithid that learned to butcher meat?
He was a mind-filleter!
0
Options
xxhologhostxxMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
What do you tell the mindflayer with two silvered eyes?..............Yes Master?
0
Options
dragonhammer41Member, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Hero UsersPosts: 1Arc User
edited May 2013
A pair of Clerics and a control wizard were finishing a Dungeon When 1 cleric say to the other "I started to heal that guy but he was pushing me around and he must have lost control cause i gave up trying and let him die instead"
0
Options
miruloMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 2Arc User
edited May 2013
Dwarf: "I can toast you so hard, you will look like a drow"
0
Options
demonmadness215Member, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 5Arc User
edited May 2013
Another 10
1. Q: Why do dwarven bards sound better by candlelight?
A: You can shove the wax in your ears.
2. Q. What do you call a gnome with a yeast infection?
A. A quarterpounder with cheese
3. How many orcs does it take to sharpen a sword? 1 to hold the sword, 2 to move the grindstone.
4. "Hey, have you ever heard why dwarves wear kilts?"
"Why's that?"
"It's because they've heard that we elves don't kill women and children!"
5. How many dwarves does it take to change a lantern wick?
Nineteen. One to change the wick, two to grumble about how badly the wick was made, and sixteen to drink to the memory of the last wick.
6. How many hobgoblins does it take to change a lantern wick?
30,751. 100 to scout out the neighboring kingdom, 30,000 to invade it, 700 to act as spell support and tactical planners, 50 to organize the raiding parties and send the needed loot - to wit, a lantern wick - where it needs to go, and one to change the wick.
7. Q: What's the difference between a Red Dragon and a giant furnace?
A: Adventurers don't throw themselves at furnaces.
8. Q: What does a Great Wyrm call a 20th-level monk?
A: Fast food.
9. Q: What's the difference between an insane asylum and a band of dragon hunters?
A: Magic swords.
10.An orc walks into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder and the bartender says "Wow, that's really neat. Where'd you get it?"
"In a cave." the parrot replies.
Hoped you liked them, if any have been used im sorry. and if any break the rules again sorry..
Game devolper desighner.
wish to join cryptic some time.
will post site with my 3 upcoming games.
New in the Zen Market: Ol' Bag of Holding and Wee 'Ol' Bag of Holding
These new Granny companions (Human and Dwarf) follow you on all your adventures and give you a hug after every battle!
They can also carry your items too! They will give you an additional 16 or 24 inventory slots respectively. (Amazing! Where does she put it? I see no backpacks or pouches? OH!!! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!)
Please note all items stored this way will not be available for 24-48 hours, may be stained, and will have an odor that will fade over time... or being laundered. (This is not a bug, but a feature and works as intended!)
Post one myself? Why bother? PWI isn't going to read 60+ pages of horrible jokes just to find one good one. They can't even be bothered to read bug reports to find the things that players have reported for months need to be fixed.
A man is on his way to a tavern late one night, from it he can hear a great deal of laughter. As he enters the tavern he can see an ogre up on stage spouting off jokes. The human listens a couple moments, furrows is brow quizzically as the room is filled with the roar of laughter. The man walks to the bar and speaks to the barkeep.
"You do know that the ogre isn't very funny?"
The barkeep gets in real close and whispers "Lad I wouldn't say that too loud, did ye not see the tree he brought with em?"
Three human adventurers are captured by cannibals in the Jungles of Chult.
The cannibal chief says " It's my birthday today, you are all very lucky. In my honour, you will all be skinned, eaten and your skins made into canoes for my tribe." He continues "but since it is my birthday, I will give you the gifts of taking your own lives before the skinning!!"
The first adventurer asks for a knife and proceeds to fall onto the blade.
The second adventurer also asks for a knife and cuts his own throat, ending his life.
The third adventurer thinks about it for a minute and then asks for a fork. The chief looks at him oddly, but hands him a fork. The adventurer proceeds to stab himself repeatedly in the arms, chest and legs yells at the chif "YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE A **** CANOE OUT OF ME!!!"
0
Options
bladedbelial666Member, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 4Arc User
edited May 2013
two old poeple in there lates eighties sitting on a bench in the park feeding the ducks when the old man turns to her woman and says:
"i remember the day i first meet you my darling wife it was 1912, a year later we got married and a year after that the first world started. after five years on the front line i returned to your smiling face and looked forward to the depression, where we could not even buy a loaf of bread. the depression ended and the second world war started. another five years i spent making sure this country stayed safe. the war finished and in to another depression we found our selfs. as i look back on our lives together i have come to one conclusion my dear wife, YOU ARE A BLOODY JINX"
What did one Beholder say to the other Beholder? I've got my eyes on you!
0
Options
bladedbelial666Member, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 4Arc User
edited May 2013
an old couple where sitting on a bench in the park feeding the ducks when the old man turned to his wife and said
"you know darling i was thinking, we meet in 1912 and got married a year later, a year after that in 1914 the first world war started. after five years on the front line i returned to your smiling face and the depression now facing us. after the depression finish, i found my self in the home guard protecting our country once again. the second world war ended and we found hard ship facing the country once again in another depression and i have come to a conclusion, YOU ARE A BLOODY JINX"
Comments
How does one compete with all of this humor (well most of it seems like humor.) So, I went a different way!
http://darksandman66.deviantart.com/art/Contest1-373703688?ga_submit_new=10%253A1369477642
and
http://darksandman66.deviantart.com/art/Pitfiend2-373703545
Thanks and enjoy,
~Dark
Why did the Fighter let the Rogue choose the party's Warlock? Because he was good at picking 'Locks.
How many Halflings does it take to light a candle?
A. You mean you'd trust a halfling with your candle?
An elf, a human, a halfling and an orc are walking along the city streets. They come to the elvish section of town and the elf exclaims 'Now here you have a fine example of neo-Third Age architecture!'. The orc shakes his head and the four walk on. When they come to the human part of town, the human says 'Ah, but we have built in the finiest neo-Classical style'. Again, the orc shakes his head and they all walk on. Approaching the Orc part of town, they pass by a large hovel which promptly grows tentacles, snags the elf and human, and devours them. As they run awaym the halfling looks at the orc. "What kind of architecture is THAT?!"
The orc looks at the halfling. "Neo-otyugh."
A dwarf and an elf step into a restaraunt and sit at the table. The waitress asks if she could take their order.
The Dwarf says. "I'll take a 24oz steak. Rare. With a bottle of Dragonfire."
The Waitress responds, "And what about the vegetable?"
The Dwarf looks at the elf and growls, "He'll take the steak too, and HE'LL LIKE IT!"
We laughed so hard, that he left
I came to the conclusion that he couldn't Hack'it
EDIT: fixed up a spelling mistake
It is trying get into that swaying sheaf.
ID: NW-DD5FLOBTJ Cult of the Dragon Foundry Contest - Please participate and vote for your favourite - 26/6/2014 contest rating begins.
Sir Camps A Lot. Mr SlingShot Boom. XX Phantasmagorical. Jinn Dragonfeast.
SlingShot Boom Jr. Jocan Traders. Little Lord Forgatty, Dwarf Mean and introducing Necro Torquemada (The Warlock)
The Moonstone Mask put on it's grandest of performance's, for their lives depended on it! The acts were worthy of many a Seal of the Drake, though, throughout the sets, there was this one fellow who would not stop moaning and groaning, you know as many an Undead do. "Uggghhhh" this and "Ugnhhnnnhhh" that, there was much 'Glibbering and Meeping' all throughout.
Attempts to quiet the noisome fiend in the rear seats, with 'shushing' were met with even louder groans, all to no avail.
At the end of the performance, Valindra herself went up to the bloody corpse that was draped over a chair and not recognizing this new member of her horde, she demanded they tell her where they came from!
It gurgled it's pain-filled reply before expiring finally, pointing upwards... "The Balcony..."
He was a mind-filleter!
1. Q: Why do dwarven bards sound better by candlelight?
A: You can shove the wax in your ears.
2. Q. What do you call a gnome with a yeast infection?
A. A quarterpounder with cheese
3. How many orcs does it take to sharpen a sword? 1 to hold the sword, 2 to move the grindstone.
4. "Hey, have you ever heard why dwarves wear kilts?"
"Why's that?"
"It's because they've heard that we elves don't kill women and children!"
5. How many dwarves does it take to change a lantern wick?
Nineteen. One to change the wick, two to grumble about how badly the wick was made, and sixteen to drink to the memory of the last wick.
6. How many hobgoblins does it take to change a lantern wick?
30,751. 100 to scout out the neighboring kingdom, 30,000 to invade it, 700 to act as spell support and tactical planners, 50 to organize the raiding parties and send the needed loot - to wit, a lantern wick - where it needs to go, and one to change the wick.
7. Q: What's the difference between a Red Dragon and a giant furnace?
A: Adventurers don't throw themselves at furnaces.
8. Q: What does a Great Wyrm call a 20th-level monk?
A: Fast food.
9. Q: What's the difference between an insane asylum and a band of dragon hunters?
A: Magic swords.
10.An orc walks into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder and the bartender says "Wow, that's really neat. Where'd you get it?"
"In a cave." the parrot replies.
Hoped you liked them, if any have been used im sorry. and if any break the rules again sorry..
wish to join cryptic some time.
will post site with my 3 upcoming games.
Shut up, I'm the only fighter here.
There is a sign outside the skirmish and group dungeons:
!
!
! GWF, GF
! We have to stay outside!
!
!
How do you identify a moron?
Easy. He says "A healer has to heal, Otherwise he is USELESS!!!"
You are ugly like my butt and smell like it.""
Midol.
Post one myself? Why bother? PWI isn't going to read 60+ pages of horrible jokes just to find one good one. They can't even be bothered to read bug reports to find the things that players have reported for months need to be fixed.
rocks fall everyone dies roll new characters
"You do know that the ogre isn't very funny?"
The barkeep gets in real close and whispers "Lad I wouldn't say that too loud, did ye not see the tree he brought with em?"
The cannibal chief says " It's my birthday today, you are all very lucky. In my honour, you will all be skinned, eaten and your skins made into canoes for my tribe." He continues "but since it is my birthday, I will give you the gifts of taking your own lives before the skinning!!"
The first adventurer asks for a knife and proceeds to fall onto the blade.
The second adventurer also asks for a knife and cuts his own throat, ending his life.
The third adventurer thinks about it for a minute and then asks for a fork. The chief looks at him oddly, but hands him a fork. The adventurer proceeds to stab himself repeatedly in the arms, chest and legs yells at the chif "YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE A **** CANOE OUT OF ME!!!"
"i remember the day i first meet you my darling wife it was 1912, a year later we got married and a year after that the first world started. after five years on the front line i returned to your smiling face and looked forward to the depression, where we could not even buy a loaf of bread. the depression ended and the second world war started. another five years i spent making sure this country stayed safe. the war finished and in to another depression we found our selfs. as i look back on our lives together i have come to one conclusion my dear wife, YOU ARE A BLOODY JINX"
"you know darling i was thinking, we meet in 1912 and got married a year later, a year after that in 1914 the first world war started. after five years on the front line i returned to your smiling face and the depression now facing us. after the depression finish, i found my self in the home guard protecting our country once again. the second world war ended and we found hard ship facing the country once again in another depression and i have come to a conclusion, YOU ARE A BLOODY JINX"
Q: Why do elves have pointed ears?? A: There has to be some point to elves
Q: How do you make a stronger stinking cloud? A: Feed dwarves nothing but beans.
Q: How do you make a stronger fireball spell?? A: Same as the stinking cloud, just light it afterwards.
Q: What are midget halflings called?? A: Quarterlings.
That is all for now
Scrap Metal.