Share some clean-ish D&D Jokes....

aandrethegiant

It's hard to find good D&D jokes...of all the genres of jokedom, "blonde" jokes "your mama" jokes, I think D&D jokes have suffered a comedic plight unheard of in comedy history. Certainly, with the fairly recent invention of the Internet (thanks Al Gore!), MMO gaming, & Nerd Rage, we can surely overcome all obstacles and alleviate this injustice.

Within the constraints of the EULA please, tell us the best D&D jokes you've ever heard.

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"Off topic, out of your mind, and funky like a four-armed monkey, Llllllllllet's get ready to Rumbleeeee!!" - Michael Buffordie

I'll go first....

EDIT: I have just transcribed all the jokes from the original thread, hopefully for the enjoyment of some...

aandrethegiant

A monk walks over to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything" and hands the vendor a $20. The monk gets his hot dog and after a minute or so says "So where's my change?" to which the vendor replies, "Change comes from within".

aandrethegiant

Two rangers that are out hunting for food are walking through Tangleroot Forest, and discover a large well in the ground.

One of the rangers curious as to how deep this well was threw a small stone into and turned his head to listen............nothing. He then gathers up a larger stone, picks it up with both hands and throws it in the well, turns his head to the side to listen............nothing.

He exclaims to his buddy, man, that is some well. Lets find something bigger to throw off in there. Well the two find a cross tie. One says to the other, pick up one side, I'll get the other. Surely when this thing hits the bottom we'll know it. So the two throw this cross-tie into the well and begin to listen.

After a few seconds they hear a goat, wailing at the top of its lungs, while it is running straight toward the two hunters. The goat continues toward them, passes right between the men, and goes off in the well. One hunter in excitement and disbelief, proclaims to the other, did you see that crazy goat!!?? That damn thing just jumped in that well!!

The commotion attracted the attention of a local farmer, and he made his way over to the hunters. He asked the guys, "Have you seen my goat, I cant seem to find him?"

One of the hunters still excited tells the farmer, sure we have seen your goat. He just ran down that hill straight toward us and jumped off in this well. The farmer replies back, nah, that couldn't have been my goat, my goat was tied to a cross-tie.

aandrethegiant

A barbarian walks up to one of the accessory vendors in the marketplace to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the vendor, "How much is Barbie?"

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for 90 gold, Barbie Goes to the Ball for 90 gold, Barbie Goes Shopping for 90 gold, Barbie Goes to the Beach for 90 gold, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for 90 gold, and Divorced Barbie for 1690 gold."

"Hey, hang on," the barbarian asks, "why is Divorced Barbie 1690 gold when all the others are only 90 gold?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

aandrethegiant

Seld The Gray Sister of Neverwinter was just shared this tome with me "Computer Technology of the 20th Century". Please enjoy....


Remember when.......

A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes

An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
a cd was a bank account
and if you had a 3.5" floppy
you hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when they call India for helpdesk, they'll will wish they were dead.

aandrethegiant

Presidential Candidates Explained Through Dungeons and Dragons Character Sheets

Hilarious!

http://www.funnyordie.com/lists/e0cb0351f6/presidential-candidates-explained-through-dungeons-and-dragons-character-sheets

aandrethegiant

/Aandre wanders in...
/Heads to the bar....
/Sets up and restocks...
/Preps the food and drinks for the day...
/Pours afternoon drinks for all...

An elf, an orc, and a dwarf walk into a bar. Each orders a pint of beer.

Three flies buzzing around the bar choose to land in each pint of beer.

The elf sees the fly in his beer and exclaims "I cannot drink this filth! Bring me a fresh brew in a new glass!"

The orc picks the fly out of his beer, tosses it over his shoulder, and starts drinking.

The dwarf picks out the fly and begins squeezing it, yelling "SPIT IT OUT YA WEE *******! SPIT IT OUT!"

aandrethegiant

An elven bard walks into a tavern and asks the crowd, "Who's dragon is that outside?"

An older gentleman, dressed in archmage robes stands up, and replies "Mine. Why?"

The bard somberly approaches the mage. "I regret to inform you that the halfling in our party has killed your dragon"

"What!" erupts the archmage. "Your halfling killed Rithvaeraradace. Slayer of the Elminster, Destroyer of Cormyr, Raider of Waterdeep, Ruler of the Dales, Thorn to the Gods, and Bane of all Toril! How did this happen!?"

The bard sheepishly looks at the archmage and replies "Well...the little guy got stuck in its throat!"

aandrethegiant

Good day 'ole sirs and fair maidens of Neverwinter... Raise your glasses to Tyr... this ones gonna need forgiveness...

An elven wizard walks into a component shop and asks the merchant for a nice, ripe pound of brains.

"I have 3 different kinds," the merchant says. "Human, Dwarf and Orc."

"How much for the human?" the elf asks.

"8 gold." replies the merchant.

"Ah. Not bad," says the elf. "Dwarf may be a bit cheaper, eh?"

"Aye," says the merchant. "6 gold."

"Hmm.. nice. How about the orc brains?"

"600 platinum," says the merchant.

"600 platinum!!" exclaims the wizard. "Why in the hell are orc brains so expensive?!"

To which the merchant replies "Do you know how many orcs I have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"

aandrethegiant

Good morning mates. Would you know it, this morning I have another joke for ya? Pull up yer buckets.. err, I mean chairs, and have a listen...

Three human women were talking together about their boyfriends, and the subject of birth control came up.

The first women said, "Because of my religion, I can't use birth control."

The second women said, "My husband and I use the rhythm method."

The third women, who recently fell in love with a dwarf said, "My husband and I use the bucket-and-saucer method."

She was asked how it worked.

She said, "I'm 5'11" and my husband is 4'2". When we have sex, he stands on the bucket. When his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him.

aandrethegiant

Middle week blues, man do I hate Wednesdays... think its time to show ya a prank I once pulled on my 6th grade math teacher.

For the visual however, Id like you to think of a dwarf barbarian warrior. You know the kind that brags that he does tHE UBERZZ DPS... yet his math just doesn't quite add up. Can you think of someone like this? GOOD!

Doing this bit years before I thought of "borrowing" their amazing work, I introduce to you the genius of the human, Abbot, and the dwarf... Costello...

Enjoy...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo4NCXOX0p8

aandrethegiant

There will be no joke today, I'm only here to share a remembrance for a man that made us all laugh,

and bring us teenagers all TOGETHER. Generation after generation after generation.

THANK YOU, D ICK CLARK!

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http://i41.tinypic.com/34g2a79.jpg

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D ick Clark earned his nickname "America's oldest living teenager."

"If you didn't go on 'American Bandstand,' you hadn't made it yet," singer Aretha Franklin said today.

RIP. Rock In Peace.

aandrethegiant

A dwarf and an elf step into a chop house and sit at the table. The waitress asks if she could take their order.

The Dwarf says. "I'll take the 48oz porterhouse steak. Rare. With a bottle of Dragonfire."

The Waitress responds, "And what about the vegetable?"

The Dwarf looks at the elf and growls, "He'll take the porterhouse too, and HE'LL LIKE IT!"

aandrethegiant

A dwarf woman goes for a face-lift, the cleric says, "I've got this new method: I put a <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font> in the back of your head, & everytime you feel like you need a lift, turn it." She gets the <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font> implanted & is beautiful for 5 years. One day she sees a problem & returns to the cleric. "I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains. The cleric replies, "Those aren't bags; those are <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font>." She sighs, "that explains the goatee."

aandrethegiant

How do you confuse a blonde Barbarian?

Put him in a room with a Greataxe, Maul and Greatsword and tell him to take his Pick.

aandrethegiant

A troll was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little kobald walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey troll! What are you doing? The troll said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have a hit.

So the little kobald climbed up and sat next to the troll where they enjoyed a few tokes. After a while the little kobald said that he had cotton mouth and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little kobald was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little kobald and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little kobald, 'What's wrong with you?' The little kobald explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the troll in the tree, smoking marijuana, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile decided to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the troll was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and yelled up to the troll, 'Hey you!' So the troll looked down at him and said, 'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...How much water did you drink?

aandrethegiant

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his crotch.

The bartender says :
"Did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your croch?"

The pirate responds :
"Arrr. I's driven me nuts !"

aandrethegiant

Seven dwarfs: Brannigan, Mayce, Moraadin, Chasek, Smitey, Bruttus and Verengor go to see the Vatican of the Silver Flame and because they are the famous Stormreach Seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Arch Priest.

Brannigan steps forward and bends down on one knee...

"Brannigan, my son," says the Arch Bishop, "What can I do for you?"

Brannigan asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf Nuns in the Church ?"

The Arch Bishop wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment And answers, "No, Brannigan, there are no dwarf nuns in the Church of the Silver Flame ."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Brannigan turns around and glares, silencing them.

Brannigan turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all Of Stromreach ?"

The Arch Bishop, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Brannigan, there are no dwarf nuns in Stormreach .

"This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Brannigan turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Brannigan turns back and says, "Mr. Arch Bishop Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the whole of Xendrick?"

The Arch, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my Son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, Pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

"Brannigan snogged a penguin!"
"Brannigan snogged a penguin!"

aandrethegiant

How many orcs does it take to screw in a light bulb? Nine, one to hold the bulb, and eight to turn the ladder.

aandrethegiant

An orc, an elf, and a dwarf find themselves being granted wishes by an Efreeti.

The orc says, "We orcs need to return to power. I wish all the orcs and half-orcs were returned to their ancient lands." The Efreeti nods his head, and the orc vanishes.

The elf says, "The elves need to get back to their roots. I wish all the elves and half-elves were returned to their ancestral home." The Efreeti nods his head, and the elf vanishes.

The dwarf looks around. "Let me get this straight," the dwarf says, "the orc wished for all the orcs to be gone, and the elf wished for all the elves to be gone?" The Efreeti nods. "Very well, then," said the dwarf, "I'll have an ale."

aandrethegiant

What is the missing link between dwarf and human? You decide...

http://oi47.tinypic.com/2upqq1d.jpg

Sorry, Danny

aandrethegiant

Why do Chinese necromancers always work alone?

Because two Wongs don't always make a Wight.

aandrethegiant

A Rogue Halfling gets blasted by a force trap flies across, hitting the wall near death and incapacitated on the floor. A Sexy female Paladin with huge <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font> come up "Don't worry I got Lay on Hands, I can save you!"?

She crests a soft un-gloved hand on the side of Halfling's head -Bloop! Heal
The Halfling opens one eyes and gasps "Thank you but my shoulder feels smashed. Can you..."

She than touches the Halflings shoulder -Bloop! Halfling moves his arm says "My ribs it's painful to..."?

-Bloop! She next softly runs her hand down to the Halfling's torso and the tingling feel of heal magic takes effect.

The Halfling pauses, looks down lower at his loins, than asks her to come close. He whisper something in her ear.

-Slaap!

Learn from this halfing rogue's build mistake. Always keep your Bluff skill maxxed.

aandrethegiant

A drow, a tiefling, and a half-orc are standing on the roof of a burning building. Their only possible escape is to jump into a blanket held by a group of humans on the streets below.

The drow is the first to approach the edge. "Jump!" yell the humans. "It's your only chance!"

Seeing no other alternative, the drow jumps off the roof. The humans pull away the blanket, leaving the drow to splat on the street, dead.

Next is the tiefling. "Come on, you have to jump!" the humans shout.

"I don't think so," the tiefling responds. "You're just going to pull away the blanket and leave me to die!"

"No we're not!" the humans yell back. "It's just drow we don't like. We're fine with tieflings!"

Convinced, the tiefling jumps off and goes splat as the humans pull back the blanket.

Only the half-orc remains on top of the burning building. "Hurry up and jump or you're gonna burn!" the humans shout.

"Nothing you humans say is gonna convince me you won't pull away the blanket," the half-orc responds. "So before I jump, I want you to set the blanket on the ground and back away."

aandrethegiant

Because it's a joke thread meant I didn't do my chant here. But since it's a joke thread, parody qualifies...

I could never kill you, M' Lady, since I love you!

(Sung to the theme of "The Lady of Spain")

Lady of Pain, I adore you
Right from the night I first saw you
My heart has been yearning for you
What else could any heart do?

Lady of Pain, I'm appealing
Why should my lips be concealing
All that my eyes are revealing?
Lady of Pain, I love you!

Night in Sigil, black and tender
Outlands moons makes silver splendor
Music throbbing, plaintive sobbing notes of a guitar
While ardent caballeros serenade

Lady of Pain, I adore you
Right from the night I first saw you
My heart has been yearning for you
What else could any heart do?

Lady of Pain, I'm appealing
Why should my lips be concealing
All that my eyes are revealing?
Lady of Pain, I love you!

aandrethegiant

Yeah, normaly I'd "Weird Al" a parody to the nines, but Eddie was just too pure to change that much. But the next one, I will.


Speaking of, here's a Dark Sun one I did...
[From a Wizards' Forum post Originally]

(Sung to the theme of "Animaniacs," The WB animated show: )

It's time for Meglomaniacs!
And the're crazy to the max.
So just slip prone when attacked.
You'll gasp 'till you collapse!
They're Meglomaniacs!

Come join the dragon defilers
And the wizards who now rot.
Just for fun, the suck the life of everything you've got.
They lock us in the dungeon
when insurgents are all caught.
But they break loose with sun chartruse, and that's a deadly plot!

They're meglomaniacs!
Sacha's cruel and Dregoth attacks!
Balic packs away in stacks,
as trolls futilly attack.
The're meglomaniacs!


Meet Boris and Rajaat, who want to rule the Multiverse.
Tyr states flocked together, Myron got wacked by others first.

Uyness chases Orcborn,
who were not very diverse.

The halflings flipped
we're not equipped
why bother to converse?

They're meglomaniacs!
They have flay or slay dark pacts!
They're crazy to the max
there's no food in our packs!
The're Megloman-y
Totally Insane-y
Despotic Reign-y
They're Meglomaniacs!
Epic Attacks!

aandrethegiant

Your soitinely a natural, Truth! Well, that last verse somehow reminded me of Curly..

... which means Aandre's Cleanish D&D jokes thread go back in time when Moe, Larry and Curly ruled the TV screens across the land.

And for you youngins who think Sean Hayes, Chris Diamantopoulos and Will Sasso ARE the Three Stooges (they were pretty amazing imho), nobody, and I mean nobody, can beat the originals!

Raw Oyster Soup anyone?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIOCKcOYJT8

aandrethegiant

Well last night I watched one of my favorite "guy movies" from the 80's, Porky's.

I'll share with you one of my favorite scenes.... now has anyone seen that Tallywhacker?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmHTcR2kHfY

iamtruthseeker

aandrethegiant wrote: »

Well last night I watched one of my favorite "guy movies" from the 80's, Porky's.

I'll share with you one of my favorite scenes.... now has anyone seen that Tallywhacker?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmHTcR2kHfY

I had the honor of seeing this in a theater. I literally rolled onto the floor laughing with tears streaming down my face.

It still brought a few tears of joy seeing that scene again...and a couple of sadness remembering. RIP Bob Clark and son Ariel Hanrath-Clark

And to stay OT:

What spell do you get if you set a German on fire?

Burning Hans

aandrethegiant

iamtruthseeker wrote: »

What spell do you get if you set a German on fire?

Burning Hans

Hahaha.... good one!

iamtruthseeker

Found a couple of good ones.

First, why you never take the party and...well, best to see it on the site with not even a title teaser until you go here.

And secondly, something I never thought I'd write, why Hitler hates 4th Ed is freakin' hilarious!