@worffan101: Thank you! Karma has a way of coming back and smiting those who deserve it...Icky and Durak both meet the qualifiers for being huge targets. As for the Theseus, the mess isn't over yet...not by a long shot...and I wouldn't be too sure that it's really the Bonaventure rushing in to save the day! I've got a 'whuck' twist going on, and I was going to reveal it in this story, but decided to wait for a future LC. But the hint is there for what the twist is...
Any feedback on my second story would be appreciated...I'm trying to improve as a writer, and without feedback, I'm gonna keep dishing out the same stuff. Unless y'all *like* the stuff as is...but then you've got to tell me you like it so there's, like, incentive to keep dishing it out...;)
Actually, I like what you write right now. If you need/want another opinion, though, I like this site; there's a handy livechat, I share a lot of my stuff with the guys on there when I need reviews. There's a nice girl called DontEvenAsk who loves Star Trek; she's generally happy to read whatever I throw in her direction. If you see a guy called GroundPetrel on there, that's me.
@aten66: Question...if 4028 is supposed to be a semi-secret facility, why are they pumping out so much comm traffic that a 2 hour silence is enough to warrant a response? (Spoiler) You let Lore go free? Did Gregs get his head knocked a little too hard during the fight? Good tale!
You gotta remember, even if it is a secret facility on paper, ever since the Jem'Hadar took it over, it's not soooo secret. In my mind, they have to have an hour or so check in with the nearest starbase/admiral in the area, so they don't potentially lose high risk criminals like Mehra or Taris ever again.
*SPOILERS*
The simple answer.
He's not Lore, the real Lore is held at Daystrom institute in the form of the original spiteful, human hating Lore. This was a copy of Lore Data gave the warden, an experiment of sorts if you will to create a less bloodthirsty Lore, and it succeded when he combined with Arik Soong, gaining the view of ethics and morallity of his dead ancestor from his own experiences.
Now he goes with a crew in search of his MIA brother/descendent. Weird but I felt fitting.
I felt like TRIBBLE rewatching Lore episodes where he always got the short end of the stick, when all he really wanted was to understand things Data did, and he wanted to know why he was inferior.
Thank you very much @masopw For your writing, I'm a fan of your style (not that it is sooo divergent from the rest of us). Generally, I sit down comfortably with time on hand to read your work because I know it'll be good.
Concerning your demand to explain "Scarlet Scoprion": technically it was obliquely answered in a previous LC during an exchange with Kathryn and some Orions (and even then it was casually tossed out (intentionally). I guess you'll have to re-read ALL of my work to find it mwahaha :P
But seriously, I plan to use it again in the future when Staza or Kathryn v Orions happens again.
EDIT: @ryan218 - nice conclusion. At the same time, I was struck by how it just suddenly ended: the denouement seeming to be over a few sentences. Don't get me wrong, it was an excellent set-up and I certainly appreciated the right-and-wrong of the Augments situation (which was well-written!), still it seemed to close rather suddenly. Iguess, with so much effort spent on the lead-up, Iguess I expected a longer climatic end.
Of course, no one believes Hakeev. The problem is that the Republic is trying to show they aren't your father's Romulans. As I tried to say with Mirror Hakeev, he is playing the long game. Also, Ferengi and Starfleet officers aren't the only ones that read the Rules of Acquisitions.
As for PDS, serving the USN, it just make sense to me. The torpedoes of Star Trek are like the Anti-ship missiles of today, so why not redevelop them.
Ancient Griffon insult
That one is so stupid, he lost a Rock/Paper/Scissors game to a Pony.
@worffan101: Thanks for the feedback! The thought of submitting stuff to another site, though, is a bit intimidating...
@cmdrscarlet: I shall endeavour to keep putting out stuff that entertains! I have a huge backlog of LC's to go through, so must have not gotten around to the particular reference yet...I thought that with the LC's going monthly there'd be more time, but nope...struggling to keep up. But the LC's have priority to even the print ST books I've not gotten around to reading yet!
@aten66: I got the bit where he wasn't fully Lore...it's the way that Lore has been portrayed, I just don't trust him. I feel that the Lore part would eventually attempt to overcome the "I'm nice now" proclamation. I hope Gregs at least put a tracker on the ship he gave him! Fair bit about 4028 not being secret since the JH discovery. Maybe it's time for Facility 4029?
@icerose20: How did that saying go...the CIWS is supposed to be loud in order to function as an alarm to the crew that they're about to get hit?
@worffan101: Thanks for the feedback! The thought of submitting stuff to another site, though, is a bit intimidating...
I just post links to the forums in livechat. The chat client automatically hotlinks them, and clicking on the links doesn't even close the chat. It's very efficient.
If you want me to, I could get a few of the guys to read some of your fics and PM you their reviews.
"The Headhunt, Part II". And thanks for the reviews, people! Especially masopw: I kept trying to go back to Eleya's snarkier narration style and had to go back and rewrite parts a number of times. Glad it turned out well.
"Great War! / And I cannot take more! / Great tour! / I keep on marching on / I play the great score / There will be no encore / Great War! / The War to End All Wars"
— Sabaton, "Great War"
"The Headhunt, Part II". And thanks for the reviews, people! Especially masopw: I kept trying to go back to Eleya's snarkier narration style and had to go back and rewrite parts a number of times. Glad it turned out well.
Excellent piece, Starswordc! Great conclusion, excellent imagery. Up to your usual stratospherically high bar.
Lieutenant (jg) K'lak, officer, security department, sniper (voiced by Steve Blum)
Lieutenant (jg) Jin-Soo Park, second shift conn officer (voiced by Will Yun Lee)
Master Chief Systems Engineer Kinlo, engineering department, cyberwarfare specialist (voiced by Kate Mulgrew*)
Master Chief Operations Specialist Peter Wiggin, operations department, sensor tech (voiced by Jim Murtaugh)
Other:
The Warden, Facility 4028 organic/computer interface hologram (voiced by Paul Schoeffler)
Columba Ungaretti, incarcerated capo for the Motta crime family (voiced by Monica Bellucci)
Lore, disembodied head (voiced by Brent Spiner)
*I don't hate Kate Mulgrew, just Janeway, and Mulgrew's natural voice sounds exactly like how I'd expect an older Klingon lady to sound.
"Great War! / And I cannot take more! / Great tour! / I keep on marching on / I play the great score / There will be no encore / Great War! / The War to End All Wars"
— Sabaton, "Great War"
well, the characterization seems a little clunky, what with the spelled-out character revelations and the rather over-the-top "how dare you"s, but it's not detracting from the fic very much.
"horrible burns" >.>
idk why, but that phrase irks me.
also, "jagged hole" can be used once and then "hole" works fine and is shorter.
"slowly walked over, whispering" no.
I'm not sure what single word you could find that means "slowly walked" but by god it would be infinitely better than "slowly walked".
and "whispering"? no.
General guidline (though NOT a rule): please try to make your dialogue tags past-tense, not present-tense.
[09:59] <DontEvenAsk> Also, for that matter, why is she /whispering/ her suggestion?
[09:59] <DontEvenAsk> That doesn't make much sense.
[09:59] <GroundPetrel> Secret facility.
[09:59] <GroundPetrel> There are SUPPOSED to be holographic guards everywhere.
[10:00] <GroundPetrel> It's a maximum-security prison.
[10:00] <DontEvenAsk> But then why isn't /everybody/ whispering?!
[10:00] <DontEvenAsk> if you want to indicate that everybody is keeping quiet because it
[10:00] <GroundPetrel> Point, that.
[10:01] <DontEvenAsk> s a secret facility, then some notification that they all spoke in hushed voices /before/ anybody started talking would be better.
[10:01] <DontEvenAsk> ' "Nooo!" Denise screamed, and the Orion shot her too.'
...
[10:02] <DontEvenAsk> adverbs are evil, okay?
[10:03] <ptortoise> no they aren't
[10:03] <DontEvenAsk> anywho...I'm not sure which is worse, the "Nooo!", the dialogue tag (specifying the screaming is really not necessary here), or the almost painfully bland description at the end of the sentence.
[10:03] <ptortoise> adverbs are great
*lengthy and amusing argument between me, DEA, and two other people over adverbs and English grammar being weird*
[10:14] <DontEvenAsk> ...short version, show, don't tell. Just a bit of that that needs to be fixed here.
[10:15] <DontEvenAsk> ah ****, it's the dreaded "somehow". >[
[10:16] <DontEvenAsk> and I think this character would maybe /say/ something after having a highly sensitive sensory organ slashed open
[10:16] <m961> I've a rule for somehow.
[10:16] <DontEvenAsk> yes, okay, good for you.
[10:17] <m961> Only use it in dialogue, the actual character speech. "Somehow you will need to pay off."
[10:17] <DontEvenAsk> ...this entire torture scene needs redone.
[10:17] <ptortoise> yeah but not all characters know not to use somehow 38P
[10:17] <ptortoise> Torture scene? Link?
[10:18] <GroundPetrel> It's up above ptortoise
[10:18] <DontEvenAsk> just.
[10:18] <DontEvenAsk> don't use "somehow".
[10:18] <DontEvenAsk> ...
[10:18] <DontEvenAsk> they used the ?!?
[10:18] <DontEvenAsk> and another "somehow"
[10:18] <DontEvenAsk> "Odd tones signalled that a Klingon PADD was being used."
[10:19] <ptortoise> up above before I got here!
[10:19] <DontEvenAsk> no. I don't care how they redo this, but they better.
[10:19] <GroundPetrel> DEA, everyone on that forum uses ?!? or a variation at some time or another...
[10:19] <GroundPetrel> One sec ptortoise.
[10:19] <DontEvenAsk> that doesn't mean it's okay.
[10:20] <DontEvenAsk> "after a phaser whined" no. no retroactive description. the phaser whined, and /then/...
[10:20] <DontEvenAsk> but after that paragraph - including it, mostly - it is perf.
[10:21] <GroundPetrel> Final review?
[10:21] <DontEvenAsk> so, a little clunky about the descriptions and dialogue, falls into some common word usage traps, but not bad, overall.
[10:21] <GroundPetrel> If you had to rate it out of ten...
[10:21] <DontEvenAsk> eight?
[10:21] <GroundPetrel> Where TDKT is ten.
[10:21] <GroundPetrel> OK.
[10:21] <DontEvenAsk> seven.
[10:21] <GroundPetrel> OK.
[10:21] <DontEvenAsk> or maybe 7.5/
[10:21] <DontEvenAsk> something around there.
...
[10:22] <DontEvenAsk> And I love the characterization of the raiders. (not sure whether to call them pirates or privateers - the latter was just a cover, right?)
[10:22] <DontEvenAsk> Except the torture scene. That scene needs to be hit over the head witha shovel.
Short version: Has some kinks, not bad overall. Characters and plot are good, descriptions and dialogue need some work.
I'll post DEA's review of your other fic in a few minutes.
Genuine springhole.net review and critique of your first fic. Syera's the woman who runs the site; she's dedicated her life to helping people write better fanfics and original fiction. She's good, I trust her judgement pretty implicitly.
Also, you can assume that anything that is NOT criticized is pretty good. The guys generally critique the wrinkles first, then sum up the good stuff at the end.
[10:23] <DontEvenAsk> "For some reason" no. this is just as bad as "somehow".
[10:24] <Syera> Hmm?
[10:24] <DontEvenAsk> "Maybe something in Academy training let them bond over something" something about this sentence is really bothering me, but I can't put my finger on it.
[10:24] <GroundPetrel> Heya Syera!
[10:24] <m961> Double use of something?
[10:24] <m961> The Maybe?
[10:24] <GroundPetrel> DEA's reviewing a friend's fic.
[10:24] <GroundPetrel> (one of my friends)
[10:24] <DontEvenAsk> Possibly the fact that it seems like the author is just positing ideas, which makes this seem a little...unfinished.
[10:25] <Syera> Morning, GP.
[10:25] <Syera> The fact that there are no specifics, that it?
[10:25] <DontEvenAsk> yea
[10:25] <DontEvenAsk> "a brief read" no.
[10:25] <DontEvenAsk> "a moment spent reading", I could buy, but this? no.
[10:25] <Syera> Yeah. That's... not really something that should be in the final work unless it's /really/ trivial or unimportant.
[10:26] <DontEvenAsk> "How long though...that's the question." please, please, fix the comma. and I would replace that ellipsis with a question mark, because this ellipsis is really bugging me for some unknown reason.
[10:27] <DontEvenAsk> ' "Wooo! Risa! WOOOO!!! We're going to RISA!" His tail jumped around as if charged with electricity'
[10:27] <DontEvenAsk> no.
[10:27] <Syera> o_0
[10:27] <Syera> Someone that immature should not be allowed on Risa.
...
[10:29] <DontEvenAsk> Although I'm glad it thoroughly communicates the character's immaturity, because that gives me an excuse to say "you can cut out that paragraph of infodump that tells us he's immature now!"
[10:29] <DontEvenAsk> the phrase I quoted can go off to the rewrite studio. the next part of that sentence, however, I love.
[10:30] <DontEvenAsk> "The Vulcan held up her hand slightly to the Bolian" nnnnope. clunky!
[10:30] <DontEvenAsk> ' "Wooo! R! I! S! A! Wooo!" ' sweet ****, how old IS this kid?
[10:31] <Syera> All I can think is, not old enough to go to Risa. >..
[10:31] <GroundPetrel> Yeah, IIRC my friend said that this character was fresh out of the Academy (basically, college). I should probably double-check that, though.
[10:32] <DontEvenAsk> "And the tail swatted her again." almost exactly the same as the previous time. this is a fanfiction, not a ballad.
[10:32] <GroundPetrel> I think that the point there was to indirectly show the Vulcan's rising annoyance...
[10:33] <DontEvenAsk> "He looked at the screen again to see if it was a joke of some kind" this bit is written from first person. how does the narrator know the other character's motive?
[10:33] <Syera> Eeerk.
[10:33] <DontEvenAsk> "They are wound too tight...the damage they will cause on unsupervised shore leave...well...it is *not* a good idea." TOO. MANY. ELLIPSES.
[10:34] * Syera imagines that read in Captain Kirk's voice.
[10:34] <DontEvenAsk> is it supposed to be "Rouge Valley" or "Rogue Valley"?
[10:34] <m961> Three ellipses in a same line O.O
[10:34] <sYgmata> Rogue.
[10:34] <GroundPetrel> Rogue Valley.
[10:34] <DontEvenAsk> ...um, WHY exactly are they being /expressly ordered/ to take shore leave
[10:35] <DontEvenAsk> I am so confused
[10:35] <DontEvenAsk> oh my god PLEASE TOP WITH THE ELLIPSES IN THE DIALOGUE.
[10:35] <DontEvenAsk> *STOP
[10:35] <Syera> Because a cosmic author took control of the mind of the captain.
[10:35] <GroundPetrel> This character isn't the type to just take vacations whenever possible.
[10:36] <DontEvenAsk> no, Sye, by the Commodore. the Commodore is ordering them. I have no idea who this Commodore is, but that is who it says.
[10:36] <GroundPetrel> Plus he just got back from a rough mission involving a Cardassian goon.
[10:36] <DontEvenAsk> oh. workaholic, huh?
[10:36] <Syera> Is "Commodore" even a rank?
[10:36] <DontEvenAsk> yes.
[10:36] <DontEvenAsk> iirc.
[10:36] <GroundPetrel> In Trek? Yeah.
[10:36] <Syera> Oh, okay.
[10:36] <DontEvenAsk> what is this "Brr-deet" nonsense
[10:37] <GroundPetrel> Sound effect.
[10:37] <DontEvenAsk> well, OBVIOUSLY.
[10:37] <GroundPetrel> It's the noise of Star Trek door chimes, approximately.
[10:37] <DontEvenAsk> my point is, I cannot tell what the hell it is meant to be.
[10:37] <DontEvenAsk> oh.
[10:37] <DontEvenAsk> ...
[10:37] <DontEvenAsk> isn;t it more "burble-deet", though?
[10:37] <GroundPetrel> ...Maybe?
*debate on the exact sounds of Federation door chimes*
[10:40] <DontEvenAsk> and that ellipse should not be there. the person is stopping in mid-sentence because they were interrupted by the door chime; that should be a dash.
[10:40] <DontEvenAsk> um...is it just me, or is "Gul Figler" a weird name?
...
[10:41] <Syera> "Figler" doesn't sound too Cardassian to me.
*debate over Cardassian names*
[10:43] <Syera> Most Cardassians don't sound like they're named after something that sounds like a fruit pastry.
[10:44] <GroundPetrel> Point.
[10:44] <DontEvenAsk> That is best way of saying that, Sye.
[10:44] <DontEvenAsk> also, in my experience, Cardassians do not "um".
[10:44] <DontEvenAsk> they may "ah", but they never "um".
[10:45] <GroundPetrel> Ooh, never noticed that...
[10:45] <GroundPetrel> Huh, that raises some interesting questions.
[10:45] <DontEvenAsk> or "uh", or any other assorted sound beginning with the letter u that evokes stammering.
[10:45] <GroundPetrel> Point.
[10:45] <DontEvenAsk> this Gul Figler seems very much like an exceptionally odd fellow.
[10:46] <DontEvenAsk> "I am only doing my job. I was asked to rendezvous here and pick up the science team. I don't know what transpired to create this highly irregular situation, but was assured that it was in the best interests of all parties." now /that/ sounds very Cardassian.
[10:46] <DontEvenAsk> oh look! the author finally used a dash instead of an ellipse
[10:46] <DontEvenAsk> snaps for the author
[10:47] <DontEvenAsk> however, that is /not/ a point where a person would realistically stop in the middle of a sentence.
[10:47] <DontEvenAsk> the word is going up. they can't stop there.
...
[10:47] <DontEvenAsk> "this is /not/ -"
[10:47] <DontEvenAsk> would work MUCH better.
[10:48] <DontEvenAsk> "I jumped up, taking a step towards the Gul." no. "I stopped myself, and took a deep breath." Something is off here. the periods in the dialogue are getting a little overused. "The Gul straightened, and it looked like a grin appeared on his face." no. did it or didn't it?
[10:48] <GroundPetrel> Any thoughts on the "special guest quarters"?
[10:48] <DontEvenAsk> "mentally swearing vengeance" there are much better ways to say this than this.
[10:48] <DontEvenAsk> oh, those are a brilliant idea.
[10:49] <DontEvenAsk> oh, god, here come the ellipses again.
[10:49] <DontEvenAsk> now, I am fond of ellipses, but even I don't do /this/.
[10:49] <DontEvenAsk> "You really should see your face, Captain. Your expression...I would have done this for free! I know Durak...he is...well...let's just say that he won't be bothering the Federation any further." He handed me a PADD. "The hard dock...that wasn't my idea. My father always told me to maintain balance in life. So...I pick up a problem...Durak...and repay you by leaving you with a problem of mine."
[10:51] <DontEvenAsk> NO.
[10:51] <DontEvenAsk> NO.
[10:51] <DontEvenAsk> DO NOT USE THE WORD "DREADLOCKS"
[10:52] <DontEvenAsk> this person appears to use their commas in odd ways, too.
[10:53] <DontEvenAsk> "For once, I managed to keep my mouth shut, only because I was so enraged at what I witnessed" no.
[10:53] <Syera> These ellipses beg for a dramatic reading.
[10:53] <DontEvenAsk> show us this rage.
[10:53] <DontEvenAsk> and do not use "for once".
[10:53] <DontEvenAsk> "Jes call me Icky, cap. And don't matter what you say...you can't do a thing about it!...people are jes gonna love "Kits Gone Wild IV! Whoo! You should stock some real booze on yer ship so'oze yer crew can learn to handle their likker! Great footage! Oh man!"
[10:53] <DontEvenAsk> ...this isn't all-round bad, but it has its irking points.
[10:54] <GroundPetrel> Icky's kind of SUPPOSED to be an annoying jerk.
[10:54] <DontEvenAsk> yeah, I figured.
[10:54] <DontEvenAsk> that's not what I meant.
[10:54] <GroundPetrel> k
[10:54] <DontEvenAsk> "so'oze" no. "so's", if I'm reading this accent right.
[10:55] <DontEvenAsk> "people are just gonna love" no. "gonna just love".
[10:55] <DontEvenAsk> again, if I'm reading this right.
[10:56] <DontEvenAsk> what the f*ck is wrong with this Commodore?!
[10:56] <GroundPetrel> She was blackmailed by Icky.
[10:56] <GroundPetrel> It's later in the story.
[10:56] <DontEvenAsk> Oh, yeah, I just got to that part.
[10:57] <DontEvenAsk> that's sick. that is just 100% sick. what the f*ck. this f*cker is making money off of footage of what is basically crazy college shenanigans. no.
[10:58] <DontEvenAsk> PFFFT
[10:58] <DontEvenAsk> THE ENDING
[10:58] <DontEvenAsk> okay, the ending is perfect.
[10:59] <DontEvenAsk> well, this sentence could do with a rewrite: "I got up to leave, and called out to Doc Irve."
[10:59] <DontEvenAsk> but other than that, the last few paragraphs get an A+ from me.
[10:59] <DontEvenAsk> overall, about the same as the last one, but also, hilarious.
[10:59] <GroundPetrel> So, 7.5 again?
[11:00] <DontEvenAsk> 8 this time, I think.
General conclusion: Needs some kinks ironed out, don't use ellipses so much (have to agree on that one), characters are generally good, ending is epic.
For comparison, our rating scale works as follows:
0: The legendary badfic "My Immortal"
1-3: Most badfic.
4-5: Average stuff; nothing exceptional, doesn't hold attention but isn't bad either.
6-7: Enjoyable stories; Diverting and enjoyable, but has some flaws.
8-9: Really good fics. For example, shevet's and starswordc's stuff generally rates a 9.
10: Only the best stuff. For example, this.
EDIT: @ryan218 - nice conclusion. At the same time, I was struck by how it just suddenly ended: the denouement seeming to be over a few sentences. Don't get me wrong, it was an excellent set-up and I certainly appreciated the right-and-wrong of the Augments situation (which was well-written!), still it seemed to close rather suddenly. Iguess, with so much effort spent on the lead-up, Iguess I expected a longer climatic end.
First off, thanks for the review!
Secondly... yeah, I was aware of how short the ending was when I wrote it, but I was seriously conscious of how long the story was getting already, and it sorta seemed to be the natural place to end things off.
Fortunately, I am writing up an epilogue to this on my fanfic page here, which will cover what happens after the end of the challenge.
Intriguing. If that group gets good and bored, they can feel free to kill some time reviewing my stuff...
DEA said the following about your most recent Grunt piece:
Characters are great, imagery is awesome.
No real style or flow issues that I can see.
WOW that was a good scene!
Final review summary: double thumbs up! double big toes up! Big smile! Smooth as cream!
[20:46] <GroundPetrel> So...out of 10, with 0 being My Immortal, 1 being that horrible MCU fic that Sye linked to earlier, and 10 being The Dragon King's Temple, how would you rate it?
[20:46] <DontEvenAsk> ...9 at least. Probably 9.5. It'd be higher if it were full length like TDKT.
Hmm..cool..I'll take those hits. All of them are fair. Please convey my gratitude for their time, and thanks for taking your time to post it!
You all can have my ellipsis when you pry the "." Key from my cold keyboard! I *am* the Ellipsis King!:eek:
I shall name my next runabout Queen Ellipsis, Of the House Ellipsis, First of her Name, Descendent of the First Men, Defender of the Realm, and Keeper of the Faith.
Or maybe Elly if the graphic engine can't keep up.
Ok. So my challenge is to try to convey a 'beat' or dramatic pause without my beloved "..." I'll accept and give it a shot in the future.
I had kept the torture scene brief since I didn't think I could out do the one in the "Nightmare Anomaly" LC. And the brevity of description when the Orions killed the away team was supposed to convey that it was brutally fast, without mercy, and this was how they acted: with action, not words.
Figler was a shout out to gulberat; he caught the Durak reference immediately, so I threw in another Russian word analog for this Cardassian to make it seem like I was using cookie-cutter characters.
But names are very subjective; many times I've gotten comments that the name Domenic should be spelled Dominic. Well, considering in Italian it's Domenico, I'm sticking with Domenic. Figler isn't a Cardassian name once we've visited Cardassian Prime, stayed on all continents, popped in on each Cardassian Colony, and ensured that Figler isn't some Cardassian pop culture pretentious handle. That's my argument and I'll stand by it!:P
The Bonaventure's Aquarius is the Rouge Valley, "Rouge" like in the French word for red, not "Rogue" like in Rogue Squadron. The real Rouge Valley is a nice place for a hike. Well, it is when no bears have managed to avoid being detected by the surrounding suburban civilization and decide to make camp right in the middle of one of my favourite rest areas.
Hmm..cool..I'll take those hits. All of them are fair. Please convey my gratitude for their time, and thanks for taking your time to post it!
You all can have my ellipsis when you pry the "." Key from my cold keyboard! I *am* the Ellipsis King!:eek:
I shall name my next runabout Queen Ellipsis, Of the House Ellipsis, First of her Name, Descendent of the First Men, Defender of the Realm, and Keeper of the Faith.
Or maybe Elly if the graphic engine can't keep up.
Ok. So my challenge is to try to convey a 'beat' or dramatic pause without my beloved "..." I'll accept and give it a shot in the future.
I had kept the torture scene brief since I didn't think I could out do the one in the "Nightmare Anomaly" LC. And the brevity of description when the Orions killed the away team was supposed to convey that it was brutally fast, without mercy, and this was how they acted: with action, not words.
Figler was a shout out to gulberat; he caught the Durak reference immediately, so I threw in another Russian word analog for this Cardassian to make it seem like I was using cookie-cutter characters.
But names are very subjective; many times I've gotten comments that the name Domenic should be spelled Dominic. Well, considering in Italian it's Domenico, I'm sticking with Domenic. Figler isn't a Cardassian name once we've visited Cardassian Prime, stayed on all continents, popped in on each Cardassian Colony, and ensured that Figler isn't some Cardassian pop culture pretentious handle. That's my argument and I'll stand by it!:P
The Bonaventure's Aquarius is the Rouge Valley, "Rouge" like in the French word for red, not "Rogue" like in Rogue Squadron. The real Rouge Valley is a nice place for a hike. Well, it is when no bears have managed to avoid being detected by the surrounding suburban civilization and decide to make camp right in the middle of one of my favourite rest areas.
Again, thanks!
Happy to help! DEA said that she enjoyed your stories quite a bit, the "pimples", as she put it, aside.
Figler was a shout out to gulberat; he caught the Durak reference immediately, so I threw in another Russian word analog for this Cardassian to make it seem like I was using cookie-cutter characters.
But names are very subjective; many times I've gotten comments that the name Domenic should be spelled Dominic. Well, considering in Italian it's Domenico, I'm sticking with Domenic. Figler isn't a Cardassian name once we've visited Cardassian Prime, stayed on all continents, popped in on each Cardassian Colony, and ensured that Figler isn't some Cardassian pop culture pretentious handle. That's my argument and I'll stand by it!:P
That's actually a very good argument. A, there's a lot of room for different names in a several-billion-strong Tier 2 polity. B, a number of canon Cardie names have somewhat of a Russian or at least Slavic flavor to them (e.g. Tekeny and Iliana Ghemor). I'll grant Figler wouldn't have been my first thought but it's good enough.
worffan, did they say anything about The Headhunt at all?
"Great War! / And I cannot take more! / Great tour! / I keep on marching on / I play the great score / There will be no encore / Great War! / The War to End All Wars"
— Sabaton, "Great War"
I agree that we shouldn't expect all names to sound alike even on Cardassia. While of all planets that's the one where a monoculture makes the most sense (eliminating regionalism seems like just the thing that an extreme totalitarian regime would do), I would imagine that names would be the last thing remaining, as people would not want to give those up. That's my thought on it, anyway.
Christian Gaming Community Fleets--Faith, Fun, and Fellowship! See the website and PM for more. :-) Proudly F2P.Signature image by gulberat. Avatar image by balsavor.deviantart.com.
That's actually a very good argument. A, there's a lot of room for different names in a several-billion-strong Tier 2 polity. B, a number of canon Cardie names have somewhat of a Russian or at least Slavic flavor to them (e.g. Tekeny and Iliana Ghemor). I'll grant Figler wouldn't have been my first thought but it's good enough.
worffan, did they say anything about The Headhunt at all?
I ended up giving DEA the entire thread to read; she wants to sacrifice 5 cows to you and several hundred to Shevet (DEA ended up demanding to see all of Shevet's stuff, and all of yours).
So yeah, I think that your story got a good reaction. :cool:
I ended up giving DEA the entire thread to read; she wants to sacrifice 5 cows to you and several hundred to Shevet (DEA ended up demanding to see all of Shevet's stuff, and all of yours).
So yeah, I think that your story got a good reaction. :cool:
Out of curiosity, did they say anything about my story?
Out of curiosity, did they say anything about my story?
You got good reviews; the guys liked the present tense a lot (points for originality, someone said) and said that while the moment where Lore reveals himself was predictable, it was definitely effective.
DEA said that the climax felt a little weak and that the Starfleet characters behaved somewhat arrogantly; she said it wasn't a huge thing but it just felt a little off-tone.
You got good reviews; the guys liked the present tense a lot (points for originality, someone said) and said that while the moment where Lore reveals himself was predictable, it was definitely effective.
DEA said that the climax felt a little weak and that the Starfleet characters behaved somewhat arrogantly; she said it wasn't a huge thing but it just felt a little off-tone.
In general, though, you rated a solid 8.
Huh, I was expecting a little more criticism somehow...
Did they mention any specific characters which seemed arrogant?
Huh, I was expecting a little more criticism somehow...
Did they mention any specific characters which seemed arrogant?
DEA said that Ryan seemed a little patronizing and condescending when he was talking to the augment after they turned all the pods red. It wasn't a huge thing, she said, it was just that the tone seemed a little off compared to his usual characterization.
(I should note that I'm basically summarizing 10 minutes of review here, because I left the chat last night and forgot to pastebin a log)
I wasn't going to ask you to provide mine as feedback, as I write for the thrill of the story, not reviews. But since you gave them the entire thread, I am curious what they made of my two entries.
You've gone and opened a real can of worms here Worrfan.
*******************************************
A Romulan Strike Team, Missing Farmers and an ancient base on a Klingon Border world. But what connects them? Find out in my First Foundary mission: 'The Jeroan Farmer Escapade'
I wasn't going to ask you to provide mine as feedback, as I write for the thrill of the story, not reviews. But since you gave them the entire thread, I am curious what they made of my two entries.
You've gone and opened a real can of worms here Worrfan.
Indeed I have.
I don't remember all of what DEA said about yours, but she said that they rated a solid 7 at least, and then went into a raving fangirl rant when Stark showed up.
(the good kind of raving fangirl rant, not the enraged kind)
One of the other guys--can't remember who--read them and said that both stories were generally good, the creative interpretation of the challenge with the "vlog" entry was nice, and that both were good, enjoyable stories.
Sorry that I can't remember more; it was something like 10:30 when I finally left the chat to hit the sack, and I forgot to pastebin it for posterity.
I wasn't going to ask you to provide mine as feedback, as I write for the thrill of the story, not reviews. But since you gave them the entire thread, I am curious what they made of my two entries.
You've gone and opened a real can of worms here Worrfan.
+1
I feel like a line has been crossed here which I'm not comfortable with. Reviews from participants in this community is one thing, critique from members of another, with no chance for discussion or rebuttal, is another, and not something I'm in any way comfortable or happy with...
I don't mind a wider community reading my stuff - that's why I post it here instead of keeping it hidden safely on my hard drive. That being said, apparently worffan will only provide their feedback if you specifically ask for it, so let's note that marcus feels uncomfortable with that. (Not sure why, you're a pretty doggone good writer, but there you go.)
Now I just have to figure out how to organically get my guys from departing the Facility to the final confrontation - already got the ending worked out, and I'm trying to make sure everyone I use in the tale gets their place in the sun. Hope to have it up sometime in the next day or so, assuming the heat wave we're going through just now doesn't shut my higher faculties down too much.
Comments
You gotta remember, even if it is a secret facility on paper, ever since the Jem'Hadar took it over, it's not soooo secret. In my mind, they have to have an hour or so check in with the nearest starbase/admiral in the area, so they don't potentially lose high risk criminals like Mehra or Taris ever again.
*SPOILERS*
The simple answer.
He's not Lore, the real Lore is held at Daystrom institute in the form of the original spiteful, human hating Lore. This was a copy of Lore Data gave the warden, an experiment of sorts if you will to create a less bloodthirsty Lore, and it succeded when he combined with Arik Soong, gaining the view of ethics and morallity of his dead ancestor from his own experiences.
Now he goes with a crew in search of his MIA brother/descendent. Weird but I felt fitting.
I felt like TRIBBLE rewatching Lore episodes where he always got the short end of the stick, when all he really wanted was to understand things Data did, and he wanted to know why he was inferior.
Concerning your demand to explain "Scarlet Scoprion": technically it was obliquely answered in a previous LC during an exchange with Kathryn and some Orions (and even then it was casually tossed out (intentionally). I guess you'll have to re-read ALL of my work to find it mwahaha :P
But seriously, I plan to use it again in the future when Staza or Kathryn v Orions happens again.
EDIT: @ryan218 - nice conclusion. At the same time, I was struck by how it just suddenly ended: the denouement seeming to be over a few sentences. Don't get me wrong, it was an excellent set-up and I certainly appreciated the right-and-wrong of the Augments situation (which was well-written!), still it seemed to close rather suddenly. Iguess, with so much effort spent on the lead-up, Iguess I expected a longer climatic end.
As for PDS, serving the USN, it just make sense to me. The torpedoes of Star Trek are like the Anti-ship missiles of today, so why not redevelop them.
That one is so stupid, he lost a Rock/Paper/Scissors game to a Pony.
@cmdrscarlet: I shall endeavour to keep putting out stuff that entertains! I have a huge backlog of LC's to go through, so must have not gotten around to the particular reference yet...I thought that with the LC's going monthly there'd be more time, but nope...struggling to keep up. But the LC's have priority to even the print ST books I've not gotten around to reading yet!
@aten66: I got the bit where he wasn't fully Lore...it's the way that Lore has been portrayed, I just don't trust him. I feel that the Lore part would eventually attempt to overcome the "I'm nice now" proclamation. I hope Gregs at least put a tracker on the ship he gave him! Fair bit about 4028 not being secret since the JH discovery. Maybe it's time for Facility 4029?
@icerose20: How did that saying go...the CIWS is supposed to be loud in order to function as an alarm to the crew that they're about to get hit?
I just post links to the forums in livechat. The chat client automatically hotlinks them, and clicking on the links doesn't even close the chat. It's very efficient.
If you want me to, I could get a few of the guys to read some of your fics and PM you their reviews.
— Sabaton, "Great War"
Check out https://unitedfederationofpla.net/s/
(Puts skin thickener on...)
Sure, worffan101...I'd like to see what others think!
(Slathers even more skin thickener on with an industrial sized trowel...)
I'll do it tomorrow; chat's quiet right now.
Don't worry, they aren't too harsh.
USS Bajor NCC-97238:
Other:
*I don't hate Kate Mulgrew, just Janeway, and Mulgrew's natural voice sounds exactly like how I'd expect an older Klingon lady to sound.
— Sabaton, "Great War"
Check out https://unitedfederationofpla.net/s/
@cmdrscarlet nicely done -- im still learning ppls characters, so u got me when she started off as syndicate *shakes fist*
Just shared your fics with DEA.
On your second fic:
Short version: Has some kinks, not bad overall. Characters and plot are good, descriptions and dialogue need some work.
I'll post DEA's review of your other fic in a few minutes.
Genuine springhole.net review and critique of your first fic. Syera's the woman who runs the site; she's dedicated her life to helping people write better fanfics and original fiction. She's good, I trust her judgement pretty implicitly.
Also, you can assume that anything that is NOT criticized is pretty good. The guys generally critique the wrinkles first, then sum up the good stuff at the end.
General conclusion: Needs some kinks ironed out, don't use ellipses so much (have to agree on that one), characters are generally good, ending is epic.
For comparison, our rating scale works as follows:
0: The legendary badfic "My Immortal"
1-3: Most badfic.
4-5: Average stuff; nothing exceptional, doesn't hold attention but isn't bad either.
6-7: Enjoyable stories; Diverting and enjoyable, but has some flaws.
8-9: Really good fics. For example, shevet's and starswordc's stuff generally rates a 9.
10: Only the best stuff. For example, this.
First off, thanks for the review!
Secondly... yeah, I was aware of how short the ending was when I wrote it, but I was seriously conscious of how long the story was getting already, and it sorta seemed to be the natural place to end things off.
Fortunately, I am writing up an epilogue to this on my fanfic page here, which will cover what happens after the end of the challenge.
Trials of Blood and Fire
Moving On Parts 1-3 - Part 4
In Cold Blood
I can ask...
DEA's out right now, but Syera and a few of the dudes are online right now, having a bored discussion about hyperbolic Tumblrinas.
DEA said the following about your most recent Grunt piece:
So there you go. You seem to have gained a fan.
You all can have my ellipsis when you pry the "." Key from my cold keyboard! I *am* the Ellipsis King!:eek:
I shall name my next runabout Queen Ellipsis, Of the House Ellipsis, First of her Name, Descendent of the First Men, Defender of the Realm, and Keeper of the Faith.
Or maybe Elly if the graphic engine can't keep up.
Ok. So my challenge is to try to convey a 'beat' or dramatic pause without my beloved "..." I'll accept and give it a shot in the future.
I had kept the torture scene brief since I didn't think I could out do the one in the "Nightmare Anomaly" LC. And the brevity of description when the Orions killed the away team was supposed to convey that it was brutally fast, without mercy, and this was how they acted: with action, not words.
Figler was a shout out to gulberat; he caught the Durak reference immediately, so I threw in another Russian word analog for this Cardassian to make it seem like I was using cookie-cutter characters.
But names are very subjective; many times I've gotten comments that the name Domenic should be spelled Dominic. Well, considering in Italian it's Domenico, I'm sticking with Domenic. Figler isn't a Cardassian name once we've visited Cardassian Prime, stayed on all continents, popped in on each Cardassian Colony, and ensured that Figler isn't some Cardassian pop culture pretentious handle. That's my argument and I'll stand by it!:P
The Bonaventure's Aquarius is the Rouge Valley, "Rouge" like in the French word for red, not "Rogue" like in Rogue Squadron. The real Rouge Valley is a nice place for a hike. Well, it is when no bears have managed to avoid being detected by the surrounding suburban civilization and decide to make camp right in the middle of one of my favourite rest areas.
Again, thanks!
Happy to help! DEA said that she enjoyed your stories quite a bit, the "pimples", as she put it, aside.
Good to hear that the critiques were useful!
That's actually a very good argument. A, there's a lot of room for different names in a several-billion-strong Tier 2 polity. B, a number of canon Cardie names have somewhat of a Russian or at least Slavic flavor to them (e.g. Tekeny and Iliana Ghemor). I'll grant Figler wouldn't have been my first thought but it's good enough.
worffan, did they say anything about The Headhunt at all?
— Sabaton, "Great War"
Check out https://unitedfederationofpla.net/s/
Christian Gaming Community Fleets--Faith, Fun, and Fellowship! See the website and PM for more. :-)
Proudly F2P. Signature image by gulberat. Avatar image by balsavor.deviantart.com.
I ended up giving DEA the entire thread to read; she wants to sacrifice 5 cows to you and several hundred to Shevet (DEA ended up demanding to see all of Shevet's stuff, and all of yours).
So yeah, I think that your story got a good reaction.
Out of curiosity, did they say anything about my story?
Trials of Blood and Fire
Moving On Parts 1-3 - Part 4
In Cold Blood
You got good reviews; the guys liked the present tense a lot (points for originality, someone said) and said that while the moment where Lore reveals himself was predictable, it was definitely effective.
DEA said that the climax felt a little weak and that the Starfleet characters behaved somewhat arrogantly; she said it wasn't a huge thing but it just felt a little off-tone.
In general, though, you rated a solid 8.
Huh, I was expecting a little more criticism somehow...
Did they mention any specific characters which seemed arrogant?
Trials of Blood and Fire
Moving On Parts 1-3 - Part 4
In Cold Blood
DEA said that Ryan seemed a little patronizing and condescending when he was talking to the augment after they turned all the pods red. It wasn't a huge thing, she said, it was just that the tone seemed a little off compared to his usual characterization.
(I should note that I'm basically summarizing 10 minutes of review here, because I left the chat last night and forgot to pastebin a log)
You've gone and opened a real can of worms here Worrfan.
A Romulan Strike Team, Missing Farmers and an ancient base on a Klingon Border world. But what connects them? Find out in my First Foundary mission: 'The Jeroan Farmer Escapade'
Indeed I have.
I don't remember all of what DEA said about yours, but she said that they rated a solid 7 at least, and then went into a raving fangirl rant when Stark showed up.
(the good kind of raving fangirl rant, not the enraged kind)
One of the other guys--can't remember who--read them and said that both stories were generally good, the creative interpretation of the challenge with the "vlog" entry was nice, and that both were good, enjoyable stories.
Sorry that I can't remember more; it was something like 10:30 when I finally left the chat to hit the sack, and I forgot to pastebin it for posterity.
+1
I feel like a line has been crossed here which I'm not comfortable with. Reviews from participants in this community is one thing, critique from members of another, with no chance for discussion or rebuttal, is another, and not something I'm in any way comfortable or happy with...
Now I just have to figure out how to organically get my guys from departing the Facility to the final confrontation - already got the ending worked out, and I'm trying to make sure everyone I use in the tale gets their place in the sun. Hope to have it up sometime in the next day or so, assuming the heat wave we're going through just now doesn't shut my higher faculties down too much.