Hey a bit late (holidays and stuff) but thanks for the other review!
I understand the holiday stuff. I was quite deeply involved in family functions through the holidays. Now back to work in the morning. Glad I could help, as always. Have a great New Year!!!
Mission: Finding Lascaux (1/2)
Author: gulberat
Level: 31+
Allegiance: Federation
Estimated Mission Length:60 min.
Method of Delivery: Forum Post
Description: Though some now serve capably as Starfleet officers, mystery surrounds the Pakleds and how they came to be found drifting nearly helpless amongst the stars capable of seemingly little, yet alive.
The Federation and Cardassians have tasked you with finding the remnants of their history--and bringing the interveners to account.
This is a story-oriented mission with a bit of space combat. Please note that I am very new to the Foundry and still not sure of a lot of its mechanics. Also, if you spot a typo, please let me know where! Thanks!
Christian Gaming Community Fleets--Faith, Fun, and Fellowship! See the website and PM for more. :-) Proudly F2P.Signature image by gulberat. Avatar image by balsavor.deviantart.com.
I have an existing mission that is up for the Foundry Spotlight, however once you publish a spotlight mission you are unable to make any further changes.
So I'm hoping for a good pair of eyes to help locate typos, bugs, and other weak spots before I give my mission the grand final post.
Mission: Krios Falling
Author: Alien_de_jour
Level: 31+
Allegiance: Klingon
Estimated Mission Length: 1 hr (Full Dialog Tree Exploration may yield different results)
Method of Delivery: Forum Post
When the Klingon Empire abandoned Krios in 2368 the last Klingon governor declared that his house would one day return and retake the planet. General Kern wants you to help him fulfill his father's final vow.
Mission Name:The Red Dawn Author:Website: Rharkul In game: Cythas@Zacs Minimum Level:41+ Allegiance:Federation Project ID:ST-HBPB28T3E Estimated Mission Length:Thirty to Forty minutes. Method of Report Delivery:In Game mail, please. Description:Heavy Space Combat. Mild Dialog. Minimal Ground Combat.
The trouble with loyalty to a cause, is the cause will always betray you.
Mission: Finding Lascaux (1/2)
Author: gulberat
Level: 31+
Allegiance: Federation
Estimated Mission Length:60 min.
Method of Delivery: Forum Post
Description: Though some now serve capably as Starfleet officers, mystery surrounds the Pakleds and how they came to be found drifting nearly helpless amongst the stars capable of seemingly little, yet alive.
The Federation and Cardassians have tasked you with finding the remnants of their history--and bringing the interveners to account.
This is a story-oriented mission with a bit of space combat. Please note that I am very new to the Foundry and still not sure of a lot of its mechanics. Also, if you spot a typo, please let me know where! Thanks!
Hi gulberat,
Welcome to the Foundry. You are number 1 in the queue. Work is picking up again, but I hope to get back into the queue this weekend.
I have an existing mission that is up for the Foundry Spotlight, however once you publish a spotlight mission you are unable to make any further changes.
So I'm hoping for a good pair of eyes to help locate typos, bugs, and other weak spots before I give my mission the grand final post.
Mission: Krios Falling
Author: Alien_de_jour
Level: 31+
Allegiance: Klingon
Estimated Mission Length: 1 hr (Full Dialog Tree Exploration may yield different results)
Method of Delivery: Forum Post
When the Klingon Empire abandoned Krios in 2368 the last Klingon governor declared that his house would one day return and retake the planet. General Kern wants you to help him fulfill his father's final vow.
Hi Alien_de_jour,
Your mission is 2nd in the queue behind gulberat. I hope to get to the queue this weekend and will post the results here upon completion.
Mission Name:The Red Dawn Author:Website: Rharkul In game: Cythas@Zacs Minimum Level:41+ Allegiance:Federation Project ID:ST-HBPB28T3E Estimated Mission Length:Thirty to Forty minutes. Method of Report Delivery:In Game mail, please. Description:Heavy Space Combat. Mild Dialog. Minimal Ground Combat.
Hi Rharkul,
Your mission is 3rd in the queue behind Alien_de_jour. I hope to get to your mission sometime this weekend. When it is done I will send you an in game email and will also post it in this forum.
Mission: Finding Lascaux (1/2)
Author: gulberat
Level: 31+
Allegiance: Federation
Estimated Mission Length:60 min.
Method of Delivery: Forum Post
Description: Though some now serve capably as Starfleet officers, mystery surrounds the Pakleds and how they came to be found drifting nearly helpless amongst the stars capable of seemingly little, yet alive.
The Federation and Cardassians have tasked you with finding the remnants of their history--and bringing the interveners to account.
This is a story-oriented mission with a bit of space combat. Please note that I am very new to the Foundry and still not sure of a lot of its mechanics. Also, if you spot a typo, please let me know where! Thanks!
Summary: This is an outstanding mission with excellent story dialogue and good map designs. The battles that you spread out in the mission fit well within the overall story. It is a long mission but I hardly notice the length thanks to your story dialogue and tasks. I would highly recommend this mission to all players who like a great story combined with good map design.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is an interesting description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: The initial task gives a clear location for to meet the contact. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Deep Space Nine (Cryptic Map): This is a good use of the Cryptic map with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider removing the need for the player to go to Ops to continue the mission. The dialogue is well written but I see no need for the player to go there for one dialogue window and then head to the ship.
Cardassia Prime: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider moving the spawn point closer to the interaction. The long flight did not seem to add anything to the story.
Cardassian Ministry of Science: This is a good map design with very detailed and excellent dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of optional dialogue. Consider changing the optional dialogue you have on this map and change it to triggered optional dialogue. This allows you to make the dialogue go away after the player has interacted with it. It can also be set to go away depending on what the player does.
-Consider changing "they bear their?girth?quite" to read "they bare their?girth?quite", unless you were using the term "bear" as in the animal.
Cardassia Prime: I understand what you are trying to do with this map but I am not sure it is needed. The player spawns, flies across the map and transfers to the next map. Consider re-writing the map transfer dialogue from the previous map to indicate the ship would warp to the nebula as soon as the player beams aboard.
Betreka Nebula Research Site: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the task of scanning three derelicts to scanning only one. The need to scan the three ships felt unneeded.
Derelict Freighter: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider breaking the "Scan bodies" task into separate tasks with dialogue after each explaining what the scan found on that body. It feels odd that we scan five bodies before the Science BOFF tells the player what they found.
-Consider changing the "Record evidence of slavery" task into a single scan of all cages. The need to record each one seems unnecessary.
-Consider changing the "Scan Borg technology" task into a single scan of all the equipment. The need to scan each one seems unnecessary.
CDS Ghemor Bridge: This is a great map design with excellent story dialogue. I appreciate you providing the "Easy" button for the puzzles. I am not always in the mood to do math problems while playing a mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Betreka Nebula Research Site: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
A Chilling Conclusion: This map has excellent story dialogue and serves as a good wrap up to the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The warp effect you used does not work very well. Consider reorienting the map so the ship is facing west and use the "WeatherStarStreaks East-West 01" effect.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission despite being new to the Foundry. I thoroughly enjoyed the mission.
Brian
I'm not sure if I will have the time to edit all of the maps, but I will take a look at some of them and see if there are some quick changes that can be made to streamline it without a complete overhaul. Your points will definitely be taken into consideration whenever I get underway for the design of Part 2.
Just one point--on the bear/bare thing...these two words have several meanings.
"Bear" can also mean "to carry," just as in Frodo the "Ring-bearer." What I mean with that sentence is that since they are naturally evolved to carry a greater amount of weight as protection against a cold climate, they do not suffer the negative effects of (for instance) an obese human. (And indeed, it would not be called obesity, but normal.)
"Bare" means "to show," as in, the Orion woman just about bares it all. That definitely is not happening here, and I think everyone, including Gredevel himself, is in agreement on making sure that does not happen. LOL!
Christian Gaming Community Fleets--Faith, Fun, and Fellowship! See the website and PM for more. :-) Proudly F2P.Signature image by gulberat. Avatar image by balsavor.deviantart.com.
Just one point--on the bear/bare thing...these two words have several meanings.
"Bear" can also mean "to carry," just as in Frodo the "Ring-bearer." What I mean with that sentence is that since they are naturally evolved to carry a greater amount of weight as protection against a cold climate, they do not suffer the negative effects of (for instance) an obese human. (And indeed, it would not be called obesity, but normal.)
"Bare" means "to show," as in, the Orion woman just about bares it all. That definitely is not happening here, and I think everyone, including Gredevel himself, is in agreement on making sure that does not happen. LOL!
Good catch. I didn't even think of that. So you can ignore that correction suggestion. Good work and thanks for authoring,
Brian
I have an existing mission that is up for the Foundry Spotlight, however once you publish a spotlight mission you are unable to make any further changes.
So I'm hoping for a good pair of eyes to help locate typos, bugs, and other weak spots before I give my mission the grand final post.
Mission: Krios Falling
Author: Alien_de_jour
Level: 31+
Allegiance: Klingon
Estimated Mission Length: 1 hr (Full Dialog Tree Exploration may yield different results)
Method of Delivery: Forum Post
When the Klingon Empire abandoned Krios in 2368 the last Klingon governor declared that his house would one day return and retake the planet. General Kern wants you to help him fulfill his father's final vow.
Summary: In my opinion this mission represents the heart of Klingon glory and honor. The map designs were excellent, the battles glorious, and the story dialogue outstanding. It is a long mission but I hardly noticed the length as I was riveted by the maps, battles and story throughout. I would highly recommend this mission to all players who love a mission of true Klingon honor and glory.
I would highly recommend you create a forum posting in "The Foundry For Star Trek Online - Mission Database" area for this mission. Even though it has over 1600 reviews it should be brought to the attention of all Klingon faction players.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is good grant dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Add the [ShipName] to my battle group" to read "You and the [ShipName] have a reputation that brings fear to the hearts of those who would oppose you".
Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: The Gathering: This is a good map design with very well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The warp effect you used does not work very well. Consider reorienting the map so the ship is facing west and use the "WeatherStarStreaks East-West 01" effect.
Krios Space: This is an excellent map design with several glorious battles and very weel written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider moving the initial spawn point closer to the first enemy engagement. It seems a little too far away.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "until there are klingon boots on Krios" to read "until there are Klingon boots on Krios".
Landing Craft: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Ensign Ep'Ha dialogue; consider changing "My family have been sark-herds for centuries" to read "My family have been sark-herders for centuries".
-The Jaer dialogue; consider changing "Now [Rank]/ about the rules on looting" to read "Now [Rank], about the rules on looting".
Krios Prime, Shamrata City: This is a great map design with several glorious battles and outstanding story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Find Allies" dialogue; consider changing "Stupid klingon goat" to read "Stupid Klingon goat".
-Consider changing "Or do orions not deserve" to read "Or do Orions not deserve".
-Consider changing "Find the gorn engineers" to read "Find the Gorn engineers".
-Consider changing the optional dialogue with the Kriosian Officer and Soldier to triggered dialogue. Once the player interacts with them the dialogue goes away.
-Consider making the Kriosian Civilian triggered dialogue.
Krios Prime, Safe House: This is a great map design with glorious battles and outstanding story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial spawn point is a long way from the first objective. Consider moving it closer to the first objective.
-The cowering Kriosians behind the Princess are standing on top of each other. Consider moving them to each side of the Princess.
IKS Borotai: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue and wraps up this mission nicely. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a fantastic job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Mission Name:The Red Dawn Author:Website: Rharkul In game: Cythas@Zacs Minimum Level:41+ Allegiance:Federation Project ID:ST-HBPB28T3E Estimated Mission Length:Thirty to Forty minutes. Method of Report Delivery:In Game mail, please. Description:Heavy Space Combat. Mild Dialog. Minimal Ground Combat.
Federation Mission - The Red Dawn
Author: Rharkul
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HBPB28T3E
Report Start
Summary: This is a combat oriented mission with several tough battles and just enough story dialogue to help move it forward. The underlying story is okay but follows too much of a different sci-fi series. I would caution you on using these other series stories to fill in the story of a purely combat oriented mission. There are plenty of Star Trek oriented stories to draw on.
The map designs are nice and simple with more than enough enemy mobs to entertain any combat oriented players. If you like heavy combat oriented missions with little story to bog you down then you will love this mission. I would not recommend you play it on any level higher than Normal as it was hard enough at that level. Otherwise it is an enjoyable combat mission.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "ESD Transporter Room, Right Exit .Play options" to read "ESD Transporter room, right exit. Play options".
Mission Task: You should consider adding the start location to your initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: The prompt should be used to set up the story the player is entering. Consider changing the dialogue from the same note at the end of your grant dialogue to something that serves to set the scene for the story. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Earth: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
"[Rank], We've arrived at the Sol System" to read "[Rank], we've arrived at the Sol System".
Vulcan: This is a nice map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Research Facility: This is a simple map design with several very tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Sir, A Borg Probe just jumped into Orbit" to read "Sir, a Borg probe just jumped into orbit".
-Consider adding re-spawn points further into the map.
Sol System: This is a nice map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Wolf 359: This is a nice map design but I am not sure of the purpose. The story dialogue explaining the new drive system and the concerns regarding the Borg are well done. The delivering of engineering teams seems odd considering the players ship is the only one that fought at Earth, Vulcan, the Research Facility, and the Sol System. I would consider removing the delivery tasks. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "what promoted the sudden attack" to read "what prompted the sudden attack".
-Consider changing "contact Doctor O'nielto get more" to read "contact Doctor O'niel to get more".
The Borg Fleet: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[Rank], Our ship cannot take" to read "[Rank], our ship cannot take".
The Jump: This is a nice map design with a good wrap up to the mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[Rank], We've completed the jump" to read "[Rank], we've completed the jump".
-Consider changing "[Rank], Looks like you're ship faired better than mine" to read "[Rank], looks like your ship fared better than mine".
-Consider changing "we have life support" to read "We have life support".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. This is good for a combat oriented mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 01/13/2013 via in-game email.
I'd like it if you could give me some feed back on one of my missions. I have 2 so far, this one is my first one. I'm always interested in some advice that could help me improve my foundry skills.
Mission Name: The Cube
Author: TheGow
Minimum Level: 41
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HG7M55JET
Estimated Mission Length: 45 min
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post
The Federation has discovered an abandoned cube in Borg Space. You are assigned to investigate along with Captain Williams, a new Captain on his first command in the newly built starship U.S.S. Hope.
Your mission: To search the Borg cube for information and technology that might aid in the war against the Borg.
Combination of Space combat, Ground Combat, and Story.
Mission Name: The Empty Shell Shuttle Incident
Author: @bort1980
Minimum Level: 41+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: not too sure - Not in-game at present so I can't check.
Estimated Mission Length: 20-30 mins.
Method of Report Delivery: In game mail to Jinx@bort1980 please.
This is my first Foundry mission, and I'd like to get some feedback on it. It is kind of a story mission that ties in with the character background I'm writing for my main STO character (she appears in the mission as Lieutenant Kaylan Jinx).
I'd like it if you could give me some feed back on one of my missions. I have 2 so far, this one is my first one. I'm always interested in some advice that could help me improve my foundry skills.
Mission Name: The Cube
Author: TheGow
Minimum Level: 41
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HG7M55JET
Estimated Mission Length: 45 min
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post
The Federation has discovered an abandoned cube in Borg Space. You are assigned to investigate along with Captain Williams, a new Captain on his first command in the newly built starship U.S.S. Hope.
Your mission: To search the Borg cube for information and technology that might aid in the war against the Borg.
Combination of Space combat, Ground Combat, and Story.
Thanks!
Hi TheGow,
You are first up in the queue. I will try to get to your mission either this evening or tomorrow. I will post here when completed.
Mission Name: The Empty Shell Shuttle Incident
Author: @bort1980
Minimum Level: 41+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: not too sure - Not in-game at present so I can't check.
Estimated Mission Length: 20-30 mins.
Method of Report Delivery: In game mail to Jinx@bort1980 please.
This is my first Foundry mission, and I'd like to get some feedback on it. It is kind of a story mission that ties in with the character background I'm writing for my main STO character (she appears in the mission as Lieutenant Kaylan Jinx).
Hi bort1980,
You are second in the queue behind TheGow. I hope to get to that mission this evening or first thing in the morning tomorrow. I will then try to get to yours right after that. I am going to be changing the feedback report delivery available and remove the in game mail as well as email options and go strictly with forum postings. Sending the reports via the email options are difficult at best. You will be the last author to receive the report via in game mail. It will also be posted here in the forums.
I'd like it if you could give me some feed back on one of my missions. I have 2 so far, this one is my first one. I'm always interested in some advice that could help me improve my foundry skills.
Mission Name: The Cube
Author: TheGow
Minimum Level: 41
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HG7M55JET
Estimated Mission Length: 45 min
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post
The Federation has discovered an abandoned cube in Borg Space. You are assigned to investigate along with Captain Williams, a new Captain on his first command in the newly built starship U.S.S. Hope.
Your mission: To search the Borg cube for information and technology that might aid in the war against the Borg.
Combination of Space combat, Ground Combat, and Story.
Summary: This is a great mission, especially since it is your first creation in the Foundry. The map designs are good, the battles are tough, and the story dialogue is very well written. While I would not recommend this mission on Elite level, I certainly would recommend it on Normal. It was a fun roller coaster ride of a mission. I think you should create a forum post entry to draw more players to your mission.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider moving the last paragraph up to between the first and second paragraph. In the flow of the story it would make more sense there.
Mission Task: Consider adding the start location to the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Ready to go at your command [Rank]" to read "Ready to go on your order [Rank]".
MAPS: Hotep System: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Greetings [Rank], It's a pleasure to meet you" to read "Greetings [Rank], it's a pleasure to meet you".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Ready to beam in at your command [Rank]" to read "Ready to beam in on your order [Rank]".
-Consider changing the response button "Let's go" to read "Energize"
Abandoned Borg Cube: This a good map with excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the optional dialogue to triggered dialogue that goes away after the player interacts with it.
-Consider having the Engineer near the alcoves in the first chamber using a scanning animation rather than just standing there.
-The post "Deactivate the forcefield" task dialogue; consider changing the response button "continue" to read "Here we go" or something along those lines.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Ready to beam at your command [Rank]" to read "Ready to beam you up on your order [Rank]".
-Consider changing the response button "energize" to read "Energize"
U.S.S. Hope Bridge: This is a good map with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the optional dialogue to triggered dialogue that goes away after the player interacts with it.
-The Captain Williams dialogue; consider changing "My mother and father were research scientist studying the Borg for the federation" to read "My mother and father were research scientists studying the Borg for the Federation".
-Consider changing the response button "go back" to read "Go back".
-Consider changing the response button "so the Hope is a new ship?" to read "So the Hope is a new ship?"
-Consider changing the mission task "go to the bridge" to read "Go to the bridge".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Ready to beam you up at your command [Rank]" to read "Ready to beam you up on your order [Rank]".
Shuttle Bay: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the "Talk to Lt. Lex" and "Talk to Lt. Lain" into separate story dialogue that follows each other. The "Talk to Lt. Lex" dialogue makes more sense before the "Talk to Lt. Lain" dialogue, which mentions things like cutting off the Borg from the collective before Lt. Lex reports the dampening field. Changing it would guarantee the player reads it in the correct order so the story flows better.
-The "Interrogate the Drone" task dialogue; consider changing the response button "Yeah i know, I know" to read "Yeah I know, I know".
-Consider changing "We thought the device to be destroyed during the attack on our vessel" to read "We thought the device was destroyed during the attack on our vessel".
Borg Cube: This is a good map design with several very tough battles throughout. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Search the area" task; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Stay sharp" or something along those lines.
-With the high level enemy mobs on the map you should consider adding re-spawn points deeper into the map.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Ready to beam you up at your command Captain" to read "Ready to beam you up on your order [Rank]". I recommend the use of [Rank] vice Captain since you have used it on the map transfer dialogue throughout previous maps.
Outer Hull: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post "Scan the forcefield" task dialogue; consider changing "they will perceive us as a treat" to read "they will perceive us as a threat".
-In the dialogue you mention the Cube dropping out of warp again, If during this map the Cube is supposed to be at warp consider adding the "WeatherStarStreaks East-West 01" effect to the map. Then when the dialogue regarding "dropping out of warp" is triggered you can make the "WeatherStarStreaks East-West 01" disappear.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Ready to transport at your command [Rank]" to read "Ready to beam you up on your order [Rank]".
-Consider changing the response button "energize" to read "Energize"
Borg Space: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Pull yourself together captain" to read "Pull yourself together Captain".
-Consider changing "but he will go down in the History books" to read "but he will go down in the history books".
-Just a note, the U.S.S. Hope still shows up on the screen after the explosion. I understand in the Foundry there is no way to make a ship disappear but consider removing it all together. You trigger the explosion and the Captain Williams final dialogue with a reach marker so the player will most likely not notice the U.S.S. Hope is not there. This would keep it from remaining on the screen after it is destroyed.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job, especially considering this is your first mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Thanks for all of your feedback. I'm going to go through your post and use it to help work on the changes you have recommended. It was really nice to get such an in-dept report on my mission and pointing out the specifics.
Once again, thanks for trying out my mission and I appreciate the help you have given me.
Thanks for all of your feedback. I'm going to go through your post and use it to help work on the changes you have recommended. It was really nice to get such an in-dept report on my mission and pointing out the specifics.
Once again, thanks for trying out my mission and I appreciate the help you have given me.
Mission Name: The Empty Shell Shuttle Incident
Author: @bort1980
Minimum Level: 41+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: not too sure - Not in-game at present so I can't check.
Estimated Mission Length: 20-30 mins.
Method of Report Delivery: In game mail to Jinx@bort1980 please.
This is my first Foundry mission, and I'd like to get some feedback on it. It is kind of a story mission that ties in with the character background I'm writing for my main STO character (she appears in the mission as Lieutenant Kaylan Jinx).
Summary: This is a great mission, especially for your first one. The mission is about 45 to 60 minutes when you factor in the battles, but it was enjoyable enough with a balance of action and dialogue that I hardly noticed. The map designs are great, the story dialogue is very well written, and the battles are tough, but not impossible. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors throughout your mission, which demonstrates a good attention to detail. While I would not recommend this mission on Elite, due to the tough nature of the battles, I would highly recommend it on Normal level to all players.
Well I have not had to mention the use of the response button "Continue" in a very long time. The response button "Continue" is the default response when a button is left blank for dialogue. I noted "Continue" was used for dialogue throughout the mission. There are some places in the dialogue where "Continue" will work but many times it just does not fit, particularly when the "Player" is receiving reports from a BOFF. It can sometimes be difficult finding the appropriate response, but to me it helps make the player feel like they are part of the story rather than just reading dialog.
I mentioned your use of the word "Interact" for accessing consoles on a couple of the maps below. The word "Interact" is the default response in the Foundry for objects the player can interact with. Consider changing it to "Access console" or something along those lines. The default response as in the use of "Continue" above is a little lazy. Yes I know, in both cases the folks who design Cryptic missions do the same thing, and it annoys me there too, but I cannot really do anything about that. Maybe the writers will read these reports one of these days and start changing their missions too.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is good but might need a little more story to help draw the player in. Your goal is to make them want to click the "Hail" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue but may need a little more story to it. As with the description your goal is to draw the player in and make them want to click the "Accept" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: Consider adding the start location of the first custom map to the initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Honod 4 Space: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial map entry; consider adding a short dialogue from the Science BOFF indicated the arrival of the ship and the location of the U.S.S. Trebuchet.
-The use of the response button "Continue". From this point forward I will note the maps it is used on and explain it in the summary.
U.S.S. Trebuchet, Bridge: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding additional crew to the bridge working at the other stations. It looks odd for the bridge to have only two people working on it.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
Honod 4 Ground: This is a great map design with tough but not impossible battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The use of "Interact" for accessing consoles. From this point forward I will note the maps it is used on and explain it in the summary.
Borg Complex: This is a great map design with tough but not impossible battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The use of "Interact" for accessing consoles.
Honod 4 Space 2: This is a goodt map design with tough but not impossible battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with the development of the story and the overall creation of this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 01/20/2013 on forum posting for: The Empty Shell
Summary: This is a nice, short mission with good map designs, tough, but fun battles, and well written story dialogue. I would suggest adding a little more story and rework the ending. I would recommend this mission to other players but not on Elite.
I noted one item below to consider changing. Everything in this report is a recommendation and yours to do with as you please.
Mission Description: This is a good if not short description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is an interesting grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Wolf 359 - Borg Controlled: This is a nice simple map design with a tough but fun battle. The reinforcements get killed off pretty quickly so you end up fighting more than half the Borg forces. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
U.S.S. Alini Deck 8 - Borg Controlled: This is a nice map design with some tough but fun battles. The tasks are simple and to the point. The short story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "I'm On It" to read "I'm on it".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. Good job with developing a short mission. As always I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Comments
Foundry Mission Database
Check out my Foundry missions:
Standalone - The Great Escape - The Galaxy's Fair - Purity I: Of Denial - Return to Oblivion
Untitled Series - Duritanium Man - The Improbable Bulk - Commander Rihan
As always I am glad I could help. Have a great New Year!!!
Brian
I understand the holiday stuff. I was quite deeply involved in family functions through the holidays. Now back to work in the morning. Glad I could help, as always. Have a great New Year!!!
Brian
Thanks a lot, as usual. There were details i missed during my testing!
God, lvl 60 CW. 17k.
Author: gulberat
Level: 31+
Allegiance: Federation
Estimated Mission Length:60 min.
Method of Delivery: Forum Post
Description: Though some now serve capably as Starfleet officers, mystery surrounds the Pakleds and how they came to be found drifting nearly helpless amongst the stars capable of seemingly little, yet alive.
The Federation and Cardassians have tasked you with finding the remnants of their history--and bringing the interveners to account.
This is a story-oriented mission with a bit of space combat. Please note that I am very new to the Foundry and still not sure of a lot of its mechanics. Also, if you spot a typo, please let me know where! Thanks!
Christian Gaming Community Fleets--Faith, Fun, and Fellowship! See the website and PM for more. :-)
Proudly F2P. Signature image by gulberat. Avatar image by balsavor.deviantart.com.
So I'm hoping for a good pair of eyes to help locate typos, bugs, and other weak spots before I give my mission the grand final post.
Mission: Krios Falling
Author: Alien_de_jour
Level: 31+
Allegiance: Klingon
Estimated Mission Length: 1 hr (Full Dialog Tree Exploration may yield different results)
Method of Delivery: Forum Post
When the Klingon Empire abandoned Krios in 2368 the last Klingon governor declared that his house would one day return and retake the planet. General Kern wants you to help him fulfill his father's final vow.
Author: Website: Rharkul In game: Cythas@Zacs
Minimum Level: 41+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HBPB28T3E
Estimated Mission Length: Thirty to Forty minutes.
Method of Report Delivery: In Game mail, please.
Description: Heavy Space Combat. Mild Dialog. Minimal Ground Combat.
Hi gulberat,
Welcome to the Foundry. You are number 1 in the queue. Work is picking up again, but I hope to get back into the queue this weekend.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi Alien_de_jour,
Your mission is 2nd in the queue behind gulberat. I hope to get to the queue this weekend and will post the results here upon completion.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi Rharkul,
Your mission is 3rd in the queue behind Alien_de_jour. I hope to get to your mission sometime this weekend. When it is done I will send you an in game email and will also post it in this forum.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - Finding Lascaux (1/2)
Author: gulberat
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HTUXMIUDS
Report Start
Summary: This is an outstanding mission with excellent story dialogue and good map designs. The battles that you spread out in the mission fit well within the overall story. It is a long mission but I hardly notice the length thanks to your story dialogue and tasks. I would highly recommend this mission to all players who like a great story combined with good map design.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is an interesting description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: The initial task gives a clear location for to meet the contact. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Deep Space Nine (Cryptic Map): This is a good use of the Cryptic map with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider removing the need for the player to go to Ops to continue the mission. The dialogue is well written but I see no need for the player to go there for one dialogue window and then head to the ship.
Cardassia Prime: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider moving the spawn point closer to the interaction. The long flight did not seem to add anything to the story.
Cardassian Ministry of Science: This is a good map design with very detailed and excellent dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of optional dialogue. Consider changing the optional dialogue you have on this map and change it to triggered optional dialogue. This allows you to make the dialogue go away after the player has interacted with it. It can also be set to go away depending on what the player does.
-Consider changing "they bear their?girth?quite" to read "they bare their?girth?quite", unless you were using the term "bear" as in the animal.
Cardassia Prime: I understand what you are trying to do with this map but I am not sure it is needed. The player spawns, flies across the map and transfers to the next map. Consider re-writing the map transfer dialogue from the previous map to indicate the ship would warp to the nebula as soon as the player beams aboard.
Betreka Nebula Research Site: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the task of scanning three derelicts to scanning only one. The need to scan the three ships felt unneeded.
Derelict Freighter: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider breaking the "Scan bodies" task into separate tasks with dialogue after each explaining what the scan found on that body. It feels odd that we scan five bodies before the Science BOFF tells the player what they found.
-Consider changing the "Record evidence of slavery" task into a single scan of all cages. The need to record each one seems unnecessary.
-Consider changing the "Scan Borg technology" task into a single scan of all the equipment. The need to scan each one seems unnecessary.
CDS Ghemor Bridge: This is a great map design with excellent story dialogue. I appreciate you providing the "Easy" button for the puzzles. I am not always in the mood to do math problems while playing a mission.
Betreka Nebula Research Site: This is a good map design with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
A Chilling Conclusion: This map has excellent story dialogue and serves as a good wrap up to the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The warp effect you used does not work very well. Consider reorienting the map so the ship is facing west and use the "WeatherStarStreaks East-West 01" effect.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission despite being new to the Foundry. I thoroughly enjoyed the mission.
Brian
This critique report also filed 01/12/2013 on forum posting for: First Foundry Mission: Finding Lascaux (1/2)
I'm not sure if I will have the time to edit all of the maps, but I will take a look at some of them and see if there are some quick changes that can be made to streamline it without a complete overhaul. Your points will definitely be taken into consideration whenever I get underway for the design of Part 2.
Just one point--on the bear/bare thing...these two words have several meanings.
"Bear" can also mean "to carry," just as in Frodo the "Ring-bearer."
"Bare" means "to show," as in, the Orion woman just about bares it all. That definitely is not happening here, and I think everyone, including Gredevel himself, is in agreement on making sure that does not happen. LOL!
Christian Gaming Community Fleets--Faith, Fun, and Fellowship! See the website and PM for more. :-)
Proudly F2P. Signature image by gulberat. Avatar image by balsavor.deviantart.com.
For example, 'record of lading'
"Typo!"
'How so?'
"You mean 'loading'"
'N... not really... look it up.'
"... Oh."
Ah well.
Wicks and Things: NW-DI4FMZRR4 : The Fenwick merchant family has lost a caravan! Can you help?
Beggar's Hollow: NW-DR6YG4J2L : Someone, or something, has stolen away many of the Fenwicks' children! Can you find out what happened to them?
Into the Fen Wood: NW-DL89DRG7B : Enter the heart of the forest. Can you discover the secret of the Fen Wood?
Many, many thanks for the (soon to be) review. You do Foundry authors an invaluable service.
I thought it was Bill of Lading not Record of Lading. Though I suppose it works either way.
For those not in the know a bill/record of lading is used in shipping cargo. It tracks who owns it, where it's to be shipped to... etc.
Good catch. I didn't even think of that. So you can ignore that correction suggestion.
Brian
Klingon Mission - Krios Falling
Author: Alien_de_jour
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HDGNMQVYJ
Report Start
Summary: In my opinion this mission represents the heart of Klingon glory and honor. The map designs were excellent, the battles glorious, and the story dialogue outstanding. It is a long mission but I hardly noticed the length as I was riveted by the maps, battles and story throughout. I would highly recommend this mission to all players who love a mission of true Klingon honor and glory.
I would highly recommend you create a forum posting in "The Foundry For Star Trek Online - Mission Database" area for this mission. Even though it has over 1600 reviews it should be brought to the attention of all Klingon faction players.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is good grant dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Add the [ShipName] to my battle group" to read "You and the [ShipName] have a reputation that brings fear to the hearts of those who would oppose you".
Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
The Gathering: This is a good map design with very well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The warp effect you used does not work very well. Consider reorienting the map so the ship is facing west and use the "WeatherStarStreaks East-West 01" effect.
Krios Space: This is an excellent map design with several glorious battles and very weel written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider moving the initial spawn point closer to the first enemy engagement. It seems a little too far away.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "until there are klingon boots on Krios" to read "until there are Klingon boots on Krios".
Landing Craft: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Ensign Ep'Ha dialogue; consider changing "My family have been sark-herds for centuries" to read "My family have been sark-herders for centuries".
-The Jaer dialogue; consider changing "Now [Rank]/ about the rules on looting" to read "Now [Rank], about the rules on looting".
Krios Prime, Shamrata City: This is a great map design with several glorious battles and outstanding story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Find Allies" dialogue; consider changing "Stupid klingon goat" to read "Stupid Klingon goat".
-Consider changing "Or do orions not deserve" to read "Or do Orions not deserve".
-Consider changing "Find the gorn engineers" to read "Find the Gorn engineers".
-Consider changing the optional dialogue with the Kriosian Officer and Soldier to triggered dialogue. Once the player interacts with them the dialogue goes away.
-Consider making the Kriosian Civilian triggered dialogue.
Krios Prime, Safe House: This is a great map design with glorious battles and outstanding story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial spawn point is a long way from the first objective. Consider moving it closer to the first objective.
-The cowering Kriosians behind the Princess are standing on top of each other. Consider moving them to each side of the Princess.
IKS Borotai: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue and wraps up this mission nicely. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a fantastic job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Federation Mission - The Red Dawn
Author: Rharkul
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HBPB28T3E
Report Start
Summary: This is a combat oriented mission with several tough battles and just enough story dialogue to help move it forward. The underlying story is okay but follows too much of a different sci-fi series. I would caution you on using these other series stories to fill in the story of a purely combat oriented mission. There are plenty of Star Trek oriented stories to draw on.
The map designs are nice and simple with more than enough enemy mobs to entertain any combat oriented players. If you like heavy combat oriented missions with little story to bog you down then you will love this mission. I would not recommend you play it on any level higher than Normal as it was hard enough at that level. Otherwise it is an enjoyable combat mission.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "ESD Transporter Room, Right Exit .Play options" to read "ESD Transporter room, right exit. Play options".
Mission Task: You should consider adding the start location to your initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: The prompt should be used to set up the story the player is entering. Consider changing the dialogue from the same note at the end of your grant dialogue to something that serves to set the scene for the story. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Earth: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
"[Rank], We've arrived at the Sol System" to read "[Rank], we've arrived at the Sol System".
Vulcan: This is a nice map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Research Facility: This is a simple map design with several very tough battles and well written dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Sir, A Borg Probe just jumped into Orbit" to read "Sir, a Borg probe just jumped into orbit".
-Consider adding re-spawn points further into the map.
Sol System: This is a nice map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Wolf 359: This is a nice map design but I am not sure of the purpose. The story dialogue explaining the new drive system and the concerns regarding the Borg are well done. The delivering of engineering teams seems odd considering the players ship is the only one that fought at Earth, Vulcan, the Research Facility, and the Sol System. I would consider removing the delivery tasks. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "what promoted the sudden attack" to read "what prompted the sudden attack".
-Consider changing "contact Doctor O'nielto get more" to read "contact Doctor O'niel to get more".
The Borg Fleet: This is a nice map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[Rank], Our ship cannot take" to read "[Rank], our ship cannot take".
The Jump: This is a nice map design with a good wrap up to the mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[Rank], We've completed the jump" to read "[Rank], we've completed the jump".
-Consider changing "[Rank], Looks like you're ship faired better than mine" to read "[Rank], looks like your ship fared better than mine".
-Consider changing "we have life support" to read "We have life support".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. This is good for a combat oriented mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 01/13/2013 via in-game email.
Mission Name: The Cube
Author: TheGow
Minimum Level: 41
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HG7M55JET
Estimated Mission Length: 45 min
Method of Report Delivery: Forum Post
The Federation has discovered an abandoned cube in Borg Space. You are assigned to investigate along with Captain Williams, a new Captain on his first command in the newly built starship U.S.S. Hope.
Your mission: To search the Borg cube for information and technology that might aid in the war against the Borg.
Combination of Space combat, Ground Combat, and Story.
Thanks!
Author: @bort1980
Minimum Level: 41+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: not too sure - Not in-game at present so I can't check.
Estimated Mission Length: 20-30 mins.
Method of Report Delivery: In game mail to Jinx@bort1980 please.
This is my first Foundry mission, and I'd like to get some feedback on it. It is kind of a story mission that ties in with the character background I'm writing for my main STO character (she appears in the mission as Lieutenant Kaylan Jinx).
Hi TheGow,
You are first up in the queue. I will try to get to your mission either this evening or tomorrow. I will post here when completed.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi bort1980,
You are second in the queue behind TheGow. I hope to get to that mission this evening or first thing in the morning tomorrow. I will then try to get to yours right after that. I am going to be changing the feedback report delivery available and remove the in game mail as well as email options and go strictly with forum postings. Sending the reports via the email options are difficult at best. You will be the last author to receive the report via in game mail. It will also be posted here in the forums.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - The Cube
Author: TheGow
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HG7M55JET
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission, especially since it is your first creation in the Foundry. The map designs are good, the battles are tough, and the story dialogue is very well written. While I would not recommend this mission on Elite level, I certainly would recommend it on Normal. It was a fun roller coaster ride of a mission. I think you should create a forum post entry to draw more players to your mission.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider moving the last paragraph up to between the first and second paragraph. In the flow of the story it would make more sense there.
Mission Task: Consider adding the start location to the initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Ready to go at your command [Rank]" to read "Ready to go on your order [Rank]".
MAPS:
Hotep System: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Greetings [Rank], It's a pleasure to meet you" to read "Greetings [Rank], it's a pleasure to meet you".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Ready to beam in at your command [Rank]" to read "Ready to beam in on your order [Rank]".
-Consider changing the response button "Let's go" to read "Energize"
Abandoned Borg Cube: This a good map with excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the optional dialogue to triggered dialogue that goes away after the player interacts with it.
-Consider having the Engineer near the alcoves in the first chamber using a scanning animation rather than just standing there.
-The post "Deactivate the forcefield" task dialogue; consider changing the response button "continue" to read "Here we go" or something along those lines.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Ready to beam at your command [Rank]" to read "Ready to beam you up on your order [Rank]".
-Consider changing the response button "energize" to read "Energize"
U.S.S. Hope Bridge: This is a good map with a fun battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the optional dialogue to triggered dialogue that goes away after the player interacts with it.
-The Captain Williams dialogue; consider changing "My mother and father were research scientist studying the Borg for the federation" to read "My mother and father were research scientists studying the Borg for the Federation".
-Consider changing the response button "go back" to read "Go back".
-Consider changing the response button "so the Hope is a new ship?" to read "So the Hope is a new ship?"
-Consider changing the mission task "go to the bridge" to read "Go to the bridge".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Ready to beam you up at your command [Rank]" to read "Ready to beam you up on your order [Rank]".
Shuttle Bay: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the "Talk to Lt. Lex" and "Talk to Lt. Lain" into separate story dialogue that follows each other. The "Talk to Lt. Lex" dialogue makes more sense before the "Talk to Lt. Lain" dialogue, which mentions things like cutting off the Borg from the collective before Lt. Lex reports the dampening field. Changing it would guarantee the player reads it in the correct order so the story flows better.
-The "Interrogate the Drone" task dialogue; consider changing the response button "Yeah i know, I know" to read "Yeah I know, I know".
-Consider changing "We thought the device to be destroyed during the attack on our vessel" to read "We thought the device was destroyed during the attack on our vessel".
Borg Cube: This is a good map design with several very tough battles throughout. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Search the area" task; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Stay sharp" or something along those lines.
-With the high level enemy mobs on the map you should consider adding re-spawn points deeper into the map.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Ready to beam you up at your command Captain" to read "Ready to beam you up on your order [Rank]". I recommend the use of [Rank] vice Captain since you have used it on the map transfer dialogue throughout previous maps.
Outer Hull: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The post "Scan the forcefield" task dialogue; consider changing "they will perceive us as a treat" to read "they will perceive us as a threat".
-In the dialogue you mention the Cube dropping out of warp again, If during this map the Cube is supposed to be at warp consider adding the "WeatherStarStreaks East-West 01" effect to the map. Then when the dialogue regarding "dropping out of warp" is triggered you can make the "WeatherStarStreaks East-West 01" disappear.
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "Ready to transport at your command [Rank]" to read "Ready to beam you up on your order [Rank]".
-Consider changing the response button "energize" to read "Energize"
Borg Space: This is a good map design with several tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Pull yourself together captain" to read "Pull yourself together Captain".
-Consider changing "but he will go down in the History books" to read "but he will go down in the history books".
-Just a note, the U.S.S. Hope still shows up on the screen after the explosion. I understand in the Foundry there is no way to make a ship disappear but consider removing it all together. You trigger the explosion and the Captain Williams final dialogue with a reach marker so the player will most likely not notice the U.S.S. Hope is not there. This would keep it from remaining on the screen after it is destroyed.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job, especially considering this is your first mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Once again, thanks for trying out my mission and I appreciate the help you have given me.
Always glad to help. Keep up the good work.
Thanks for aithoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - The Empty Shell Shuttle Incident
Author: bort1980
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HEB223KPR
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission, especially for your first one. The mission is about 45 to 60 minutes when you factor in the battles, but it was enjoyable enough with a balance of action and dialogue that I hardly noticed. The map designs are great, the story dialogue is very well written, and the battles are tough, but not impossible. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors throughout your mission, which demonstrates a good attention to detail. While I would not recommend this mission on Elite, due to the tough nature of the battles, I would highly recommend it on Normal level to all players.
Well I have not had to mention the use of the response button "Continue" in a very long time.
I mentioned your use of the word "Interact" for accessing consoles on a couple of the maps below. The word "Interact" is the default response in the Foundry for objects the player can interact with. Consider changing it to "Access console" or something along those lines. The default response as in the use of "Continue" above is a little lazy.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is good but might need a little more story to help draw the player in. Your goal is to make them want to click the "Hail" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue but may need a little more story to it. As with the description your goal is to draw the player in and make them want to click the "Accept" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: Consider adding the start location of the first custom map to the initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Honod 4 Space: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial map entry; consider adding a short dialogue from the Science BOFF indicated the arrival of the ship and the location of the U.S.S. Trebuchet.
-The use of the response button "Continue". From this point forward I will note the maps it is used on and explain it in the summary.
U.S.S. Trebuchet, Bridge: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding additional crew to the bridge working at the other stations. It looks odd for the bridge to have only two people working on it.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
Honod 4 Ground: This is a great map design with tough but not impossible battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The use of "Interact" for accessing consoles. From this point forward I will note the maps it is used on and explain it in the summary.
Borg Complex: This is a great map design with tough but not impossible battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The use of "Interact" for accessing consoles.
Honod 4 Space 2: This is a goodt map design with tough but not impossible battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with the development of the story and the overall creation of this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 01/20/2013 on forum posting for: The Empty Shell
Glad to help as always.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
@Handle: @Q400
Minimum level:
Allegiance: (Fed or Klingon; the story doesn't change.)
Estimated Mission Length: 10 Minutes
Original Handle: @Q400
Join Date: December 2010
Thanks for the mission review request. I will get right to it.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - Borg Battleship Paradox
Author: Q400
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HCXNH3SAS
Report Start
Summary: This is a nice, short mission with good map designs, tough, but fun battles, and well written story dialogue. I would suggest adding a little more story and rework the ending. I would recommend this mission to other players but not on Elite.
I noted one item below to consider changing. Everything in this report is a recommendation and yours to do with as you please.
Mission Description: This is a good if not short description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is an interesting grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Wolf 359 - Borg Controlled: This is a nice simple map design with a tough but fun battle. The reinforcements get killed off pretty quickly so you end up fighting more than half the Borg forces. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
U.S.S. Alini Deck 8 - Borg Controlled: This is a nice map design with some tough but fun battles. The tasks are simple and to the point. The short story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "I'm On It" to read "I'm on it".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. Good job with developing a short mission. As always I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 02/02/2013 on forum posting for: Q400: List of Missions