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Neverwinter Jokers and Jesters Wanted!

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  • stippleshanksstippleshanks Member Posts: 1 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    What do you call a reoccurring artistic theme that is descended from demons?

    - A Motiefling
  • sk3tchysk3tchy Member Posts: 1 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    What do dwarves do for entertainment?
    Go to Rock Concerts.

    A Master dwarven smith's warforged automaton asks his owner, "Master, why do you walk in the rain?"
    The Dwarf replies, "I have done terrible things. I don't want people to notice me crying. Why do you ask?"
    The warforged says," I walk in the fog so no one notices me smoking."

    A married couple went to the midwife to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, she said that she had invented a new spell that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. She asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.
    The midwife sent the pain at a rate of about 10%, to begin with, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father could bear. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "let him have more."
    She then adjusted the her spell to 20% pain transfer. The husband still felt fine. The midwife checked the husbands vitals and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.
    Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the midwife to transfer ALL the pain to him.
    The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, their neighbor was dead on their lawn.
  • dagger2thugtrap7dagger2thugtrap7 Member, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian Users Posts: 1
    edited May 2013
    Another puns from me:

    1)In the Blackdagger Ruins spy catcher contest had started and after this event the many contestants in private chatted how they accomplished it, but they were confused by the winner's achievements. So they ask him:
    -How did you manage to hunt down 30 spy informations?
    -I have ridden with a Nightmare Horse and spies scared to death by the lurid mount, so they granted!

    2) In the Seven Suns Coster Market three trickster rougues desire to fill in their supplies. They want to outdo each other.
    The rogues align in the queue, when the first comes in and says:
    "I'd like to buy an Ancient Spymaster's Elegant Dagger and twelwe Gloomwrought Crate and six Azure Enchantments Rank 7 and six Radiant Enchantments Rank 8!"
    When the second rogue comes in and says:
    "I'd like to buy a Master Assassin's Armor and twelve Profession Booster Packs and six Scroll of Mass Life and six Greater Stone of Health!"
    When the third rogues comes in, he is vaguely thinking, but the vendor asks him: "What can I serve for you?
    Finally, he responds:
    "I'd like to know where is Zen Market to buy two Greater Bag of Holdings because the previous trickster rogues won't be able to pack in anything!"

    3)A stroke of luck

    The devoted cleric, the control wizard, the trickster rogue, ther great weapon and guardian fighter standing in a campfire talk over their common grouping dungeon delve, the combat in the Lair of the Mad Dragon. They point out what was the tactics and who excelled by survival of procuring the dungeon’s chest and loots.
    The devoted cleric says: ”I was applying Healing Word on me and my Galeb Dhur companion. While I was blasting the foes with Sun Burst and deflecting the encounters, I deployed my daily power whenever my Action Points gained the maximum: Guardian of Faith but I had known that I wasn’t going to pick up greedy our loot because I was knocked down in the defeat of final dragon.”
    The control wizard says: ”I was freezing the foes with Ray of Frost and hurled them with Chill Strikes and on the back of deployed my daily power multiple times: Arcane Singularity but I was vanquished or subdued in the end of dragon therefore I wasn’t able to pick up loot.”
    The trickster rogue says: I was charging the foes with Bloodbath, Lashing blade and Sly Flourishes and deployed my daily power: Lurker’s Assault but I bit to dust so wouldn’t be obtaining the loot.
    The great weapon fighter says: ”I was attcaking with Reaping, Wicked and Sure Strikes and deployed my daily: Spinning Strikes against foes but I had been prone by avoiding being revived before we defeated the dragon, so I wouldn’t have been seen gathering the loot.
    At last, the guardian fighter says: ”At least I had a chance to survive as follows: While I was dropping my shield in front of me guarding as against foes, I have set up a portable altar and used my invocation skill therefore I have levelled up to 30 healing back absolutely and choosing Conqueror Paragon Feat then my summoned vicious dire wolf finished its training. So both of us were meant threat to the Mad Dragon, we have managed to smash after your deaths.” – Shrugs and cheers for a team!

    4)"What gifts are Driftwood Tavern giving to their adventurer guests who are going to try the strongest ales?
    "Major injury kits!"

    5)"What are the advantages of the halfling devoted clerics in the dungeon delves?"
    "They are invulnerable deflecting all incoming attacks as quickly as possible with their Nimble Reactions!"

    6) Here are some twisted proverbs from Neverwinter:
    First from Blackdagger Ruins: "The only good bandit is a dead bandaid!"
    Second from Tower District: "The barks will sing our glory!" or "The bards will sing out gloomily!"
    Third from Blacklake District: "Our orders are to hoist these gates so this area should be saved but I shortly recompense you spend some spare coins on heaving potions before you go out there!" or
    "Nashers are attacking tranquillities on slight!"

    7)A D&D joke (Dungeons&Dragons)
    "An Avenger, a Blackguard and a Pit Fiend go into a vacant tavern.
    Who will be survived and leave the tavern?
    The bartender, because he was already alive!"
  • denthilldenthill Member, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Hero Users Posts: 1 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    A Halfling rogue is having a walk in a forest.
    Around a tree, he meets a frog.
    The frog starts talking to him.
    - Handsome Halflng, I am a Princess that was turned into a frog by an evil spell. Kiss me and I'll be back to normal. As a reward, I'll be your girlfriend.
    The halfling stays silent for a minute, thinking. He then picks up the frog and throws it in his pocket.
    - I don't care about having a princess girlfriend. I now have a talking frog!


    How many Neverwinter characters do you need to replace a light bulb?
    1D6 + 3


    How many orcs does it take for a bath?
    101.
    One in the tub, 100 spitting to fill it.


    A Dwarf talks to a rich Elf
    - What 1.000 years means for you?
    - Well, that's only one year for me.
    - And 1.000 gold coins?
    - That's only one gold coin.
    - So can you give me one gold?
    - Sure, in one year.


    Can Orcs have an I.Q. of 130?
    Yes, if there are 130 of them.


    A Dwarf enters an Inn and asks for a bed.
    The innkeeper answers
    - First floor, 30gp, second floor, 20gb, third floor 10gb.
    - Sorry, this inn has not enough floors for me.


    An elf and a dwarf go together to the theater.
    The cashier ask them
    - Is it for "the Beauty and the Beast"?
    - No, answers the dwarf, for my friend and I.


    A halfling is trialed for public drunkenness.
    He yells to the judge.
    - I protest, I am as sober as you you highness
    The judge turns to the clerk and says
    - Please note the halfling pleads guilty


    Why halve-orcs have big nose?
    Because they have big fingers.


    How to keep a dwarf busy for hours?
    See answer below
    How to keep a dwarf busy for hours?
    See answer above


    Why do elves like jokes on dwarves?
    That's the only ones they understand.


    How many halflings do you need to paint a wall?
    Depends on the speed you throw them.


    Do you know how to save Halflings from drowning?
    No? Fine!


    Two rogues are in prison.
    - Why are you here?
    - For something I didn't do.
    - You're not guilty then. What is that thing that you didn't do?
    - Run.
  • kordachekordache Member Posts: 1 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    Why did they bury the Paladin behind the hill?

    Because he was dead.
  • generalpineapplegeneralpineapple Member Posts: 4 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    What do you call a 3ft halfling?
    Tall

    What do you call a dwarf who didn't pick up a copper coin?
    Blind

    What do you call a dwarf with a keg of ale?
    Sober

    What do you call a dwarf with an empty keg?
    Still sober
  • scaraa666scaraa666 Member, Neverwinter Beta Users Posts: 6 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    Beauty is not in the eye of the beholder,
    for beholders are ugly creatures.

    -Poem by Silvran Cron (Aasimar Duskblade)
  • lovelynocturnelovelynocturne Member, Neverwinter Beta Users Posts: 3 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    Why wouldn't the trader sell anything to the cleric?
    The cleric had no mana.
  • jintortlejintortle Member Posts: 655 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    A Dwarf walks into Bar.
    His pet sheep jumps over it.
    Genus Draco Fad and the Muster@Jintortle
    ID: NW-DD5FLOBTJ
    Cult of the Dragon Foundry Contest - Please participate and vote for your favourite - 26/6/2014 contest rating begins.

    Sir Camps A Lot. Mr SlingShot Boom. XX Phantasmagorical. Jinn Dragonfeast.
    SlingShot Boom Jr. Jocan Traders. Little Lord Forgatty, Dwarf Mean and introducing Necro Torquemada (The Warlock)
  • petyo84petyo84 Member Posts: 4 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    Control Wizard pushes mobs off a bridge, Great Weapon Fighter falls in as well. Rez, injury kit, rejoins party.
    GWF: "Wizard, was this on purpose?"
    CW: "No, it was on cooldown. "
    Second bridge, CW pushes again, GWF falls in again, rez, injury kit, rejoin.
    GWF: "Was THIS on purpose?"
    CW: "No way, man, it was on cooldown!"
    Third bridge, same thing happens.
    GWF: "AGAIN WITH THE COOLDOWN?!?"
    CW: "Nah, this one was on purpose..."
  • petyo84petyo84 Member Posts: 4 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    - Why don't they include a class that features mysterious, black-clad assassins from the Far East?
    - Aren't there enough ninjas already?!?
  • headsprainheadsprain Member Posts: 0 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    What's red and black, red and black, red and black, red and black?

    -A giant spider mount rolling down a hill.

    What's red and black and laughing?

    -The giant spider mount that pushed him.
  • paocomtulicremepaocomtulicreme Member Posts: 1 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    old but gold.


    Jesus saves.

    Everyone else takes full damage.
  • shatterspineshatterspine Member, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Hero Users, Neverwinter Guardian Users Posts: 7 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    An Elf, Human and Half ling were in a Tavern talking about their children.

    'My son was born on Kingsday, 'remarked the Human, 'So we obviously decided to call him King.'

    'That's a real coincidence, 'observed the Elf, 'My daughter was born on High-Summer's day, so we decided to call her Summer.'

    'That's really incredible, 'drawled the Halfling, 'Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake.'
  • gruntpyregruntpyre Member, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian Users Posts: 0 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    A Guardian Fighter and a Great Weapon Fighter enter a dungeon with a party, in search of adventure... and are abruptly removed from the group.
  • ezaphielezaphiel Member, Neverwinter Beta Users Posts: 48
    edited May 2013
    Based on a true story: A devoted cleric, fearless and a veteran in battles, who single-handedly defeated Orc Savages, Orc Taskmasters and many others in their dozens, came back victorious from the "Search the Doomguides" quest in Neverdeath, never dying even once! He crossed the ridge, and "AAAAAHHHHHHHHH" ... a slip of his (un)sure-footed horse and he fell into the abyssal depths and... he's back at the fireplace, waiting for 3 minutes to pass so that he can recover from injury.. -.-
  • wesmg42wesmg42 Member Posts: 1 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    If any offense is caused it was un-intentional, I love neverwinter its great.


    I'm fly like a D6

    I wouldn't have made it through college if it weren't for my D6

    I got a joke, a great weapon fighter and a guardian fighter walk into
    a tavern, great weapon fighter says he does more damage. End of joke.
    -Sarcasm

    Neverwinter has an aggro system -Sarcasm

    I was going to pick a flower for my girlfriend, too bad I didn't
    bring an entire nature kit.

    I was going to pick a flower for my girlfriend, too bad my nature kit
    only had a 75% success rate (she didn't fall for it)

    Control wizard walks into a bar, says to the barmaid " I have 20gold,
    free drinks to the house, on me" barmaid responds "Sorry, you'll need
    astral diamonds for that"

    You've reached level 30 you can now choose one of many paragon paths
    A)Storm Wizard
    B)Storm Wizard
    C)Storm Wizard

    "Honey, why didn't you take the garbage out" "I failed the skillcheck"

    Bag of Holes -Sarcasm

    "Please roll for this +1 Sword of Fire" (Wes rolls a 99 and greeds)
    (Control Wizard rolls a 2 and needs)"Control Wizard has won
    +1 Sword of Fire you chose greed"

    D&D: +1 Flaming Long Sword Neverwinter: +1 Flaming Long Sword
    1d6+1 damage. 75-89 Damage. No fire.
    1d6 fire damage on critical.

    "In Neverwinter the Quest Path Sparkles always lead you in the most
    time efficient path" -Sarcasm

    "WTS Nightmare Lockbox" ( personally I don't know how people say
    this seriously in mapchat lol )

    What is the most efficient way to clear "Lair of the Mad Dragon"?
    -Get a druid to cast soothe and calm down that dragon

    May 20th- Player1:"Yeah! Finally, after 7 hours of straight castle
    neverwinter I finally got my sword!" Cryptic:"We apologize for the
    inconveniance but we are doing a 7 hour rollback on may 21rst."

    I once met a half orc, wearing the orc slayer title.

    Man, by now you must think these jokes are pure gold? Well they're not,
    they are pure astral diamonds, otherwise they would be worthless!

    D&D:
    Exchange 100 Platinum for 1 single Astral Diamond
    Neverwinter:
    Exchange 10 minutes, and a queue for a skirmish for 2000 Astral Diamonds

    -2013 Neverwinter Currency-
    Gold:Not that valuable
    Astral Diamonds:Main currency
    -2015 Neverwinter Currency-
    Gold:Removed from game
    Astral Diamonds:Not that valuable
    Zen:Main currency

    "Up until May 21rst, I heard horrifying stories of Neverwinter,
    stories.. of a time. When not gold, not diamonds, not zen, were used for
    trade and barter. But the innocent lives of cats"
  • undeadcrabbundeadcrabb Member Posts: 544 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    You guys hear about the vegetarian ogre? He only eats wood elves.
    Folow me on Deviant art! ;)
  • mrxizzedmrxizzed Member, Neverwinter Beta Users Posts: 5 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    It is always summer here...
    It maybe spring too...
    Or sometimes it's autumn...
    But it is never winter.
    4423-wer.jpg
    MFW rogues try take me on 1 vs 1
    level 60 13k+ Guardian fighter.
  • lonnehartlonnehart Member Posts: 846 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    My poor attempt at a joke...


    An Orc, a Human, and a Drow walk into a bar.

    Only Kelevmor walks out...
    *sings* "I like Gammera! He's so neat!!! He is full of turtle meat!!!"

    "Hah! You are doomed! You're only armed with that pathetic excuse for a musical instrument!!!" *the Savage Beast moments before Lonnehart the Bard used music to soothe him... then beat him to death with his Fat Lute*
  • kadyinkadyin Member Posts: 1 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    Q: What would you get if you crossed a unicorn with a dragon?

    A: I don't know, but I wouldn't want to saddle and break it.
  • coraan69coraan69 Member, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian Users Posts: 1 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    The thief turns to the warrior "Man, I hope this quest is quick"
    The warrior turns to theif "Why?"
    The thief replies "I hate to see the end 'Drag On'
  • spadeyspadey Member Posts: 2 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    How to make quick gold in D&D:
    1) Play a Paladin
    2) Challenge Dwarves and Orcs to a drinking contest
  • vanoreivanorei Member Posts: 1 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    An elven bard walks into a tavern and asks the crowd, "Who's dragon is that outside?"
    An older gentleman, dressed in archmage robes stands up, and replies "Mine. Why?"

    The bard somberly approaches the mage. "I regret to inform you that the halfling in our party has killed your dragon"

    "What?!" erupts the archmage. "Your halfling killed Rithvaeraradace. Slayer of the Elminster, Destroyer of Cormyr, Raider of Waterdeep, Ruler of the Dales, Thorn to the Gods, and Bane of all Toril! How did this happen!?"

    The bard sheepishly looks at the archmage and replies "Well...the little guy got stuck in its throat!"
  • ioveciovec Member Posts: 7 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    A Half-orc warrior walks into a tavern. On his shoulder sits an ancient parrot with molting feathers and a foot deformed with age.

    The bartender looks up with a start.

    "Where did you get that disgusting thing?"

    "Outside a bar in Calimport!" replied the parrot.
  • thedanacondathedanaconda Member, Neverwinter Beta Users Posts: 1 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    What was the Wizards favorite subject in school?

    Spelling.

    Lame I know, but I specialize in Dad jokes.
  • willdathri11willdathri11 Member, Neverwinter Beta Users Posts: 0 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    Knock, Knock...

    Who's there?

    Not Mystra... that's who!
  • richkent1richkent1 Member Posts: 1 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    Why there isn't christmast party? Because it's NEVERwinter.
  • jintortlejintortle Member Posts: 655 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    Why wouldn't the Skeleton attack the Adventure Party that had just entered his graveyard?

    Because he had no guts.
    Genus Draco Fad and the Muster@Jintortle
    ID: NW-DD5FLOBTJ
    Cult of the Dragon Foundry Contest - Please participate and vote for your favourite - 26/6/2014 contest rating begins.

    Sir Camps A Lot. Mr SlingShot Boom. XX Phantasmagorical. Jinn Dragonfeast.
    SlingShot Boom Jr. Jocan Traders. Little Lord Forgatty, Dwarf Mean and introducing Necro Torquemada (The Warlock)
  • dandare#8529 dandare Member, NW M9 Playtest Posts: 337 Arc User
    edited May 2013
    Roland "the Evil Tiefling's" wisdom

    Virgins
    There was a time when Neverwinter had a serious problems with Virgins being abducted for sacrifices. Each time some evil cult doing that got exterminated a new one came to town to do the same. That's when someone came up with an idea of establishing a Moonstone Mask. And the problem was no more...
    "You stand as inspiration. You are practically the Avatar of Buttkicking." -Quote towards Minsc
    "I choose You Jymaru!" ~for there are times when more than words need to do the talk
This discussion has been closed.