Sir Magnus Gallowglass and the Holy Warhammer that was never meant to be....!!!
Wow it has been quite a while since I taried in the realm of pen and paper but this one has always stuck with me... it is also why whenever I could avoid it I gave up using 100 sided dice lol....
Sir Magnus Gallowglass quested with an amazing Adventuring team. There was a Human Fighter named Erik, a halfling thief named Guido and he was no intrepid Rogue. He was an outright what can we get for meself today thief, whom rather indignantly tried to claim he was a rogue all too often. Let us not forget however the Wizard, Lorelantalus. He was a high eleven logical inquistive pain in the derriere if there ever could be one who even presumed to teach the paladin on honor....
Well we had been adventuring together for quite some time... and while ye need not the full history it is important to know we had grown rather wealthy... The wizard and thief both had followers and a keep... The cleric a temple and alcoloytes and lower level priests.... And of COURSE... the Paladin... yup thats me... Sir Magnus Gallowglass had just recently acquired his Holy Warhammer +5 a might Silver beauty with runes etched across the surface exuding power... and an intelligence... I could sense beneath the surface thoughts... and images... encouraging me. I had travelled through the pits of hell and back to retrieve my Holy Warhammer and it was clearly my most valuable possesion as like a good paladin I frequently tithed so was poor in all other respects etc...
(ooc - My GM had wrote up a full two page write up on this hammer and its abilities which he slowly released to me over time... its goals and desires etc...)
So this is a brief few glimpses of my next few adventures....
Evil Dracolich destroying villages vs Holy Warhammer :-)
Sir Magnus braces himself after finally reaching the Dracolich. The whole adventure up to this point fighting through terrain where no good person dare tread for the evil of the dracolich would snuff out any hope, caring, safety within its realm... The whole adventure up to this point I had been using my War Hammer but never truly invoking its spirit... So as my head began to throb under the evil presense... and my eyes were bulging... a small trail of blood running from my nose... I decided I needed to call forth the full strength of my War Hammer (conentrating on a blast of holy fire and lightning.. one of two major powers of my Holy WarHammer)... in the name of Helm! I smite thee... I lunge forward swing my war hammer in a mighty arc and (ooc - roll a 1) slipping I fall and twist my body contorting in a painful way as I try to catch myself the blast of holy fire and lightning enveloping my party... only the warrior not caught flat footed was able to roll out of the way to safety...
Wow that was not a good day... but in the end we won, just got to be careful using my most holy of relics, my might war hammer... and of course only the key power failed... it was just a twist of fate...
Evil Queen Succubi vs Holy WarHammer...
... after long battles much fighting... I unleash my holy Warhammer... with a special hatred toward demon kinds images flash into my mind of banishing the Succubi through the might of the Hammer. The ground with split open into a wide chasm closing after a few moments after the demon has been pulled down through and only in the final stages of being crushed within will the bashing take hold forever baring it to the farthest plains while the hammer exists...
I Brace myself... call forth all my might... calling upon the strength of my most Holy Warhammer... this time I am smart I swing overhand intent upon bringing my hammer hard down into the ground.... (ooc - Roll a 1... WHAT!) Strike myself in the leg flip myself over the warhammer comes back down facing toward my companions... the ground rends and splits opened... the Wizard hovers over the air wondering what in the world am I doing... the Warrior... wow he is agile dodges again... and look... the Halfling if falling when the ground is no longer suddenly beneath him... (yeah he wasn't doing so hot with the roles either...)
In the end we vanquish the Evil Succubi... now... now I am beginning to wonder... what did I do wrong... am I not worthy of wielding the most holiest of War Hammers.... I vow not to use the War Hammer until I once again deam myself worthy...
Evil Lich vs Paladin and Adventuring team...
.... fighting through all the battles... past all the enemies and scum of the dungeon... we make our way to the highest tower where after vanquishing the Lich several times as he kept reforming... we found his phlactery a gem atop a pedastel in the heart of the room. Rumor has it only a mighty artifact can break through the enchantments laid upon the phylactery... and therefore with images blazing through my mind of shattering it into a million pieces overwhelming me from my hammer. I take my time... brace myself and swing with all my might from the side... (roll a 1... ENOUGH!!! yes the dice did get tossed across the room when it bounced back it landed on 2 lmao) The warhammer slipped slightly shifting out of my grip just before impact... instead of the head of the hammer hitting the lich's phlactery the shaft of the hammer hit it and sent it flying... in one piece... out of the room through the window... and landing into a swamp we had trudged through outside....
AND NOW BEGINS THE ONLY HOLY PALADIN QUEST OF HOW TO RID YOURSELF OF A *CURSED*(ooc - wasn't really cursed but the Paladin was certain it was by this point.. or that it was evil) INTELLIGENT WARHAMMER AND HOW MY PALADIN FELL FROM GRACE... FOR GIVING AWAY HIS GODS MOST PRIZED WAR HAMMER
How was the Underdark created?
A dwarf accidentally dropped a gold coin, which fell into a small crack in the ground, and then a dwarf grabbed a shovel, and started digging for it.
How many goblins does it take to light bulb?
1.000.001. One to change it, million to die trying.
Neverwinter guard organized a grand competition, with a king's ransom for a prize. The objective? Find the dragon, and bring him back, in chains, alive.
Humans assembled an army, but try as they might, they couldn't find a dragon. They gave up, reluctantly.
Dwarfs gathered a mighty host, they did find a dragon, but couldn't subdue him, the dragon was too powerful.
And finally, a couple of half-orcs said they'd bring a dragon. People laughed at them. Couple of days later, they brought back...a bear in chains, bloodied, bruised, and badly beaten. The people were baffled : "What is this? This is not a dragon!".
Suddenly, the bear screamed : "NO! NO MORE BEATING! I'm a dragon! I'm a dragon!"
A travelling minstrel is backpacking through the highlands of Amn and he stops at a pub to grab a pint, and the only people in there is a Human bartender and an old dwarf nursing a mug of mead. The minstrel orders a pint and sits in the company of the two in silence until the Old Dwarf turns to him and goes...
"Yeh see this here pub? Ah built his bar wi'meh own bare handz... Oi found the foinest wood en the countreh side, gave each plank o' wood more care then me own child, but do they coll me Dugard the Pub Builder? No...!
*points out the window*
"Ye see thet there yonderr stone wall outsoide curvin' 'rround the back o' this here pub? Ah built that stone wall wi'meh bare handz, found everry stone and placed them there just so, through the rain and the cold and the snow... yet do they coll me Dugard the Wall Builder? No...
The Old Dwarf takes a long and deliberate pull from his stein and his face becomes crestfallen...
Ya, know. You got this guardian fighter all in plate with his shiny sword and shield. He rushes in bellowing as he slams his shield into some lizards. Than he hears from the cleric in the back can you move em just a lil to the left. So he strafes just a bit than looks up and sees this little thin light than bam every lizard just falls down.. The poor fighter looks at the cleric and than asks "So than I'm just bait?" the cleric just nods and whistles as she walks away..
Many moons ago, whilst Game Mastering a party of 'good' adventurers, the group began to develop somewhat of a greedy disposition. I could understand, to a certain degree, when the thief wanted to try to pick the pocket of the high cleric offering them a job. He was a thief after all. I could even understand when the paladin wanted to charge to find the orphans, for the matron mother informed him he would have to investigate in the lower quarter of the city and he might get dirty. OH NO! But when the group was asked to help free the land from a plague created by an evil lich and the cleric cast Create Food and Water for the group's benefit and they held out until the townsfolk could scrape together enough gold to meet their price for going, I decided they were too mercenary and needed a lesson. Karma hath turned too slowly and now they needs feel the wrath of the angry Games Operation Director (that's G.O.D. for short)!
I let them find a map on the lich to his secret treasure trove, promising artifacts galore. At one point they found enough of the teeth of Dahlver-Nar that they each got one. Several pieces of the rod of seven parts and the Eye of Vecna, but at the end of the long and deadly trek, guarded by the most powerful golem they had ever seen, was not the Hand of Vecna, but the very HEAD OF VECNA! The scrolls and maps purloined from the lich promised great power to any with the bravery to replace their own head with that of the mystical magical artifact. Finally, after defeating the guardian, they began to discuss the artifact they had acquired.
The paladin, after being assured by the GM that he would not lose his paladinly abilities, decided to try to put it on. Being the strongest member, he browbeat and threatened the others to agree. Finally, the fighter lops off his head, but they do not replace it with the artifact, they just leave him dead and continue to argue.
The rogue, being the least injured in the group, decides to take the fighter out and stabs him in the back. The others assist and the fighter is laid low. Now, the cleric, thief and mage are more cordial and agree, the cleric should try, since he could then heal everyone more effectively. The thief lops off the clerics head and they place the petrified mummified head upon his neck. I make a few mysterious rolls and say, "Nothing happens." Then to the mage, "You believe he was merely too weak of will to control such a powerful artifact." The thief decides to try next, rationalizing that the wizard would be the only one who could put the head on after death by using a summoned monster or some other magic. The wizard takes the fighter's sword and lops the thief's head clean off his shoulders. He honorably places the head upon his corpse, but to no avail. I say to him, "Well obviously, a thief hasn't nearly your power or skill. He could never control such a powerful artifact." All of the players but the wizard are fuming now, but they still hope for salvation from the power of the artifact!
Finally the wizard summons a powerful ogre to lop his head off and place the Head of Vecna upon it's rightful resting place! With one mighty blow, the ogre cleaves the wizard's head from his shoulders and the party is no more. The players are all chagrinned by the loss of their favorite powerful characters and as they make new characters, begin to discuss how they kind of deserved what they got.
A month later, the new player's characters, now full of the desire to do good and destroy all dastardly foes, are hired to defeat a band of ogres terrorizing a town. They find a group of ogres with an absolute ton of magic items, and the leader has a petrified skull he carries as a trophy. As I begin listing off all of their old magic items to them, they realize that THIS IS THE OGRE!! The one who killed the wizard! They capture the last ogre to ask him what happened and he confirms, he put the bowling ball (the skull) on the head as instructed, but nothing happened, so he looted the bodies and left. The players wonder in amazement, what on Earth went wrong? Eventually I mention that the 'bowling ball' has started to fall apart and the wizard says "Wait, that thing's not even magic is it." There was complete silence for about ten seconds and then howls of laughter as they realized my trick.
And that my friends, is how you tame a greedy group of adventurers!
What's the difference between a human being swallowed by a dragon, and a gnome being swallowed by a dragon?
Being swallowed was part of the gnome's plan.
Offer a pot of gold to two dwarfs, telling them it's for however can hold a gold piece o their nose with a mug of beer in front of them: endless entertainment.
Comments
Wow it has been quite a while since I taried in the realm of pen and paper but this one has always stuck with me... it is also why whenever I could avoid it I gave up using 100 sided dice lol....
Sir Magnus Gallowglass quested with an amazing Adventuring team. There was a Human Fighter named Erik, a halfling thief named Guido and he was no intrepid Rogue. He was an outright what can we get for meself today thief, whom rather indignantly tried to claim he was a rogue all too often. Let us not forget however the Wizard, Lorelantalus. He was a high eleven logical inquistive pain in the derriere if there ever could be one who even presumed to teach the paladin on honor....
Well we had been adventuring together for quite some time... and while ye need not the full history it is important to know we had grown rather wealthy... The wizard and thief both had followers and a keep... The cleric a temple and alcoloytes and lower level priests.... And of COURSE... the Paladin... yup thats me... Sir Magnus Gallowglass had just recently acquired his Holy Warhammer +5 a might Silver beauty with runes etched across the surface exuding power... and an intelligence... I could sense beneath the surface thoughts... and images... encouraging me. I had travelled through the pits of hell and back to retrieve my Holy Warhammer and it was clearly my most valuable possesion as like a good paladin I frequently tithed so was poor in all other respects etc...
(ooc - My GM had wrote up a full two page write up on this hammer and its abilities which he slowly released to me over time... its goals and desires etc...)
So this is a brief few glimpses of my next few adventures....
Evil Dracolich destroying villages vs Holy Warhammer :-)
Sir Magnus braces himself after finally reaching the Dracolich. The whole adventure up to this point fighting through terrain where no good person dare tread for the evil of the dracolich would snuff out any hope, caring, safety within its realm... The whole adventure up to this point I had been using my War Hammer but never truly invoking its spirit... So as my head began to throb under the evil presense... and my eyes were bulging... a small trail of blood running from my nose... I decided I needed to call forth the full strength of my War Hammer (conentrating on a blast of holy fire and lightning.. one of two major powers of my Holy WarHammer)... in the name of Helm! I smite thee... I lunge forward swing my war hammer in a mighty arc and (ooc - roll a 1) slipping I fall and twist my body contorting in a painful way as I try to catch myself the blast of holy fire and lightning enveloping my party... only the warrior not caught flat footed was able to roll out of the way to safety...
Wow that was not a good day... but in the end we won, just got to be careful using my most holy of relics, my might war hammer... and of course only the key power failed... it was just a twist of fate...
Evil Queen Succubi vs Holy WarHammer...
... after long battles much fighting... I unleash my holy Warhammer... with a special hatred toward demon kinds images flash into my mind of banishing the Succubi through the might of the Hammer. The ground with split open into a wide chasm closing after a few moments after the demon has been pulled down through and only in the final stages of being crushed within will the bashing take hold forever baring it to the farthest plains while the hammer exists...
I Brace myself... call forth all my might... calling upon the strength of my most Holy Warhammer... this time I am smart I swing overhand intent upon bringing my hammer hard down into the ground.... (ooc - Roll a 1... WHAT!) Strike myself in the leg flip myself over the warhammer comes back down facing toward my companions... the ground rends and splits opened... the Wizard hovers over the air wondering what in the world am I doing... the Warrior... wow he is agile dodges again... and look... the Halfling if falling when the ground is no longer suddenly beneath him... (yeah he wasn't doing so hot with the roles either...)
In the end we vanquish the Evil Succubi... now... now I am beginning to wonder... what did I do wrong... am I not worthy of wielding the most holiest of War Hammers.... I vow not to use the War Hammer until I once again deam myself worthy...
Evil Lich vs Paladin and Adventuring team...
.... fighting through all the battles... past all the enemies and scum of the dungeon... we make our way to the highest tower where after vanquishing the Lich several times as he kept reforming... we found his phlactery a gem atop a pedastel in the heart of the room. Rumor has it only a mighty artifact can break through the enchantments laid upon the phylactery... and therefore with images blazing through my mind of shattering it into a million pieces overwhelming me from my hammer. I take my time... brace myself and swing with all my might from the side... (roll a 1... ENOUGH!!! yes the dice did get tossed across the room when it bounced back it landed on 2 lmao) The warhammer slipped slightly shifting out of my grip just before impact... instead of the head of the hammer hitting the lich's phlactery the shaft of the hammer hit it and sent it flying... in one piece... out of the room through the window... and landing into a swamp we had trudged through outside....
AND NOW BEGINS THE ONLY HOLY PALADIN QUEST OF HOW TO RID YOURSELF OF A *CURSED*(ooc - wasn't really cursed but the Paladin was certain it was by this point.. or that it was evil) INTELLIGENT WARHAMMER AND HOW MY PALADIN FELL FROM GRACE... FOR GIVING AWAY HIS GODS MOST PRIZED WAR HAMMER
A dwarf accidentally dropped a gold coin, which fell into a small crack in the ground, and then a dwarf grabbed a shovel, and started digging for it.
How many goblins does it take to light bulb?
1.000.001. One to change it, million to die trying.
Neverwinter guard organized a grand competition, with a king's ransom for a prize. The objective? Find the dragon, and bring him back, in chains, alive.
Humans assembled an army, but try as they might, they couldn't find a dragon. They gave up, reluctantly.
Dwarfs gathered a mighty host, they did find a dragon, but couldn't subdue him, the dragon was too powerful.
And finally, a couple of half-orcs said they'd bring a dragon. People laughed at them. Couple of days later, they brought back...a bear in chains, bloodied, bruised, and badly beaten. The people were baffled : "What is this? This is not a dragon!".
Suddenly, the bear screamed : "NO! NO MORE BEATING! I'm a dragon! I'm a dragon!"
You never see me when the fight starts
"Yeh see this here pub? Ah built his bar wi'meh own bare handz... Oi found the foinest wood en the countreh side, gave each plank o' wood more care then me own child, but do they coll me Dugard the Pub Builder? No...!
*points out the window*
"Ye see thet there yonderr stone wall outsoide curvin' 'rround the back o' this here pub? Ah built that stone wall wi'meh bare handz, found everry stone and placed them there just so, through the rain and the cold and the snow... yet do they coll me Dugard the Wall Builder? No...
The Old Dwarf takes a long and deliberate pull from his stein and his face becomes crestfallen...
"But, yah make love to one goat..."
-jeweled idols
Bartender says: "Ooo, nice, where did you get that?"
Goblin says: "I won it at the fair."
A: because he couldn't spell plague
Two dwarves picked up a copper piece at the same time!
He wanted to go where no one had gone before..
I let them find a map on the lich to his secret treasure trove, promising artifacts galore. At one point they found enough of the teeth of Dahlver-Nar that they each got one. Several pieces of the rod of seven parts and the Eye of Vecna, but at the end of the long and deadly trek, guarded by the most powerful golem they had ever seen, was not the Hand of Vecna, but the very HEAD OF VECNA! The scrolls and maps purloined from the lich promised great power to any with the bravery to replace their own head with that of the mystical magical artifact. Finally, after defeating the guardian, they began to discuss the artifact they had acquired.
The paladin, after being assured by the GM that he would not lose his paladinly abilities, decided to try to put it on. Being the strongest member, he browbeat and threatened the others to agree. Finally, the fighter lops off his head, but they do not replace it with the artifact, they just leave him dead and continue to argue.
The rogue, being the least injured in the group, decides to take the fighter out and stabs him in the back. The others assist and the fighter is laid low. Now, the cleric, thief and mage are more cordial and agree, the cleric should try, since he could then heal everyone more effectively. The thief lops off the clerics head and they place the petrified mummified head upon his neck. I make a few mysterious rolls and say, "Nothing happens." Then to the mage, "You believe he was merely too weak of will to control such a powerful artifact." The thief decides to try next, rationalizing that the wizard would be the only one who could put the head on after death by using a summoned monster or some other magic. The wizard takes the fighter's sword and lops the thief's head clean off his shoulders. He honorably places the head upon his corpse, but to no avail. I say to him, "Well obviously, a thief hasn't nearly your power or skill. He could never control such a powerful artifact." All of the players but the wizard are fuming now, but they still hope for salvation from the power of the artifact!
Finally the wizard summons a powerful ogre to lop his head off and place the Head of Vecna upon it's rightful resting place! With one mighty blow, the ogre cleaves the wizard's head from his shoulders and the party is no more. The players are all chagrinned by the loss of their favorite powerful characters and as they make new characters, begin to discuss how they kind of deserved what they got.
A month later, the new player's characters, now full of the desire to do good and destroy all dastardly foes, are hired to defeat a band of ogres terrorizing a town. They find a group of ogres with an absolute ton of magic items, and the leader has a petrified skull he carries as a trophy. As I begin listing off all of their old magic items to them, they realize that THIS IS THE OGRE!! The one who killed the wizard! They capture the last ogre to ask him what happened and he confirms, he put the bowling ball (the skull) on the head as instructed, but nothing happened, so he looted the bodies and left. The players wonder in amazement, what on Earth went wrong? Eventually I mention that the 'bowling ball' has started to fall apart and the wizard says "Wait, that thing's not even magic is it." There was complete silence for about ten seconds and then howls of laughter as they realized my trick.
And that my friends, is how you tame a greedy group of adventurers!
Being swallowed was part of the gnome's plan.
Everyone else takes full damage.