caverndragonMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Hero Users, Neverwinter Guardian Users, Neverwinter Knight of the Feywild UsersPosts: 27Arc User
edited May 2013
A dawrf stands guard on a bridge and everyday a small halfling runs over , turns left and leaps off the bridge to great pain and injury. After a week of this the Dwarf stops the human the next time he runs up. "Whut da hell are ye doin, ya durn fool?" The halfling looks up at the Dwarf with a swollen eye and rubs his sprained wrist. "This cleric of Ilmater sold me this ring of levitation, and by gods I'm goig to make it work!"
If it moves, KILL IT!
0
cg41411Member, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 4Arc User
edited May 2013
Two humans are sitting a tree stump and one of the humans said to the other I think my <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font> is asleep the one said how do you know?the one said I just heard it snore.
One wizard said to the other: "Do you like my cloak of invisibility". The other wizard replied: "What cloak"?
0
caverndragonMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Hero Users, Neverwinter Guardian Users, Neverwinter Knight of the Feywild UsersPosts: 27Arc User
edited May 2013
A human, a dwarf, and a half-orc are working in a mine together. All three have the same problem; the exact same lunch every... single... day. And one day, they all say about the same thing: "If I get this in my lunch one more time, I swear I'll jump down the shaft and kill myself!"
The next day comes. The dwarf stares at his mutton-on-wheat with mustard and sighs. "Well, at least it's filling."
The human takes out his salted chicken and lettuce on rye and nudges the dwarf next to him. "Trade ya." They swap, and start eating.
The half-orc pulls out his turkey leg and goes screaming over the edge. Both the other miners just stare at him.
"Huh." The dwarf muttered. "I di'int expect tha'."
"You didn't think he'd make such a big deal about his lunch?" The human mused, still a little shocked.
"`Specially since he packed `is OWN lunch each day."
If it moves, KILL IT!
0
zellrainbowMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 22Arc User
A warrior, ranger, cleric, and rogue all are on an adventure together. Digging deeper and lower into an undead crypt.
Right before the boss fight after long hours of fighting their undead counterparts a pit shows before the group.
Not only is it a pit but looks like its full of shiny gems and gear!
The ranger is the first to speak "that pit looks rather unsafe."
Then the warrior " Lets press through and...."
Before the warrior could finish out jumps the rouge into the pit.
What did he find but a pit full of gem encrusted spikes!
With the rogues last gasp of breath he ask for a heal.
Cleric reaches for his holy symbol to resurrect the fallen rouge only to find it is missing!
The group searches for it then the ranger notices something falling out of the rouges backpack in the pit.
The ranger points and says " umm i'm pretty sure that's what we are looking for."
Group looks at each other and says one thing before they continue on their way.
"Sure glad we didn't bring that rouge along." Lol
~Lesson of this joke never turn your back on a rouge its in their nature to pickpocket, steal, and jump into pits even if they have treasure or not. They can't help it ROFL~
Rouge = Red in french
Rogue = the class you surely were referring to -.-'
0
syraeneMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 9Arc User
edited May 2013
For Goblins, Orcs are very powerful enemies indeed,
For the Orcs, Goblins are very cunning and dangerous rivals,
For our party, they're both around 45xp.
Why did Gary Gygax call it Dungeons & Dragons anyway? If he'd have just called Dragons & Dungeons, we would have known ahead of time what we were getting ourselves into!
0
tuneauMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 3Arc User
edited May 2013
A Halfling, a Gnome, and a Half-Orc are running away from the city guard when they come to a forest, and they each decide to hide by climbing a tree.
When the Guardsmen arrive, they go to the first tree where the Halfling is hiding and shout, "We know you're up there, come down!"
The Halfling, thinking fast, says, "Tweet, tweet, tweet!"
The Guardsmen, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next tree where the Gnome is hiding and once again shout, "We know you're up there, come down!"
The Gnome, thinking fast, says, "Whoo, whoo, whoo!"
The Guardsmen, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next tree where the Half-Orc is hiding and once again shout, "We know you're up there, come down!"
The Half-Orc thinks for a while and then says, "Moo, moo, moo..."
Q: What did the AD vendor say to the AH vendor?
A: Don't be so negative...
0
swagpaysmybillsMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 9Arc User
edited May 2013
Stay? Are you kidding me, its just the fanboys left now same thing as in SWTOR the only difference is when you stop playing you can still check up on forums.
0
benjachMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Hero UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
What did the two new player say to eachother when they where creating a new character in NW online? "Lets Roll!"
^^
0
hexxman1Member, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 3Arc User
edited May 2013
a halfling a dwarf and a gnome walk under a bar.
Why did the Dwarf get fired from his cashiers job at wal mart?
He kept coming up short.
A 6 foot tall , beautiful brunette female employee of a big company rushes into the human resources office and demands to talk to the manager,
"what can i do for you" asks the manager?
I want to have an employee fired for making sexually crude remarks.-said the woman
Oh really, tell me what this employee said.- said the manager
"well we got into an elevator and when we got out he turned to me and said, "hey your hair small nice!"
"thats it?"- asked the manager, "whats So sexually crude about that?"
The woman got right in the managers face and said " That employee was Jim, the Dwarf from accounting!"
Now for the true story, when i was younger a girlfriend of mine and myself decided to dress up cosplay style like our favorite Dungeons and dragons characters for a local sci-fi /fantasy convention. Well we worked for weeks on our costumes, however our lack of sewing skills really showed, but finally after much wasted cloth, and many nights of pins sticking in me. we were done. I was dressed as a thief with a hooded cape and very non descript breeches type pants with a drawstring. a leather belt with two small daggers, and numerous little compartments with snaps for carrying things etc. I had also found some old dental type tools at a flea market and carried these in a small burlap pouch attached to my waist , to represent my thieves picks and tools.
While my girlfriend went as a female fighter with lots of studded leather, ( we couldnt afford real mail) and she had overlayed leather on top a bra of hers to fit her um, ample chest. she wore a circlet i made out of thick copper wire and some polished stones, and carried a rather heavy sword, dullled of course no sharp weapons allowed with a scabbard on her back and open toed sandals.. well after maybe a half hour her scabbard broke so she carried her sword in hand the whole time. We wanted to wait for the contest just in case we would win a prize ( there werent many costumed people there) well when the contest started we had to parade before the crowd on stage and the loudest cheers would win, so anyway we walk up on stage , my girlfriend miserable form holding this heavy sword and me constantly holding and pulling up my badly sewn pants that fall down with each step. This is where the real fun begins.
So as we stop on the stage my girlfriend howls her best warcry, kinda like a mountain goat with throat cancer, and jumps up in the air landing a bit awkwardly twisting her ankle. she immediately grabs her ankle and when she bends down her leather chest piece decides its had too much, and snaps! Flashing everyone, Now i being the protective male i try to whip my hooded cape off to cover her , and when i do my pants drop right to the floor exposing my thankfuly clean underwear for all to see. not boxers either. i quickly grab my pants and while pulling them up, my pouch of tools empties onto my girlfriends feet, one of the sharp dentist picks lands right in her tender foot, causing her to yelp like a wounded mountain goat with throat cancer, and drops her sword, which convieniently lands on my right foot making me jump and squeal like a little girl and of course my pants fell down again. well after removing the pick from my girlfreinds foot, and placing a nice big bandaid on it, and thanks to another cosplayer , borrowing some duct tape to hold my pants up . we were astounded to find we had won the contest, its wasnt clear but it seemed that many of the people thought it was all part of the show. For my part I have never done cosplay again. I am much older now, and maybe this halloween ill dress up like a....well no, I guess i wont.
A dwarven woman walks by a pet shop with a parrot in the window. The parrot says "Hey lady! You're ugly!" The woman gets all flustered and walks away quickly.
On her way back, she passes by the store again, and the parrot says "Hey lady! You're ugly!" Furious, she storms into the store and yells at the owner with all sorts of threats. He appoligizes and says it won't happen again.
The next day, she walks by the store and the parrot says "Hey lady!" She looks over and says "Yes?", to which he replies "You know."
0
itsonlikejonMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 2Arc User
edited May 2013
At a celebration, several guests from neighboring cities were to present gifts to Lord Neverember. Deciding that this would be a good opportunity to show off his wisdom to his guests, he boasted that he could predict what each guest would give him.
First approached the Dwarven emissary from Mirabar. Feeling the weight of the box and knowing that a large haul of rubies had been unearthed recently, Lord Neverember looked the emissary in the eye and said "There are 3 rubies in here." Upon opening the box, to show he was correct, the crowd burst into applause.
The second representative was a ranger from the Elven Court. Seeing this, the Lord stated "It is a bow. I'd wager it was probably carved by your finest artisans and is as strong as it is beautiful." Sure enough, he was correct, and the crowd cheered once more.
Finally, a young halfling from Luskan scurried up to the Lord and handed him a box, which Neverember noted, had a slight damp spot on the bottom. "Ah," he thought to himself, "a fine Luskan spirit to quench my thirst!" Taking a drop from the damp portion of the box and tasting it, "Why, this must be a bottle of Blackaxe Stout!" he exclaimed.
The halfling simply grinned and shook his head.
After another taste, Neverember thought for moment before proclaiming, "I have it! It must be Colinth Amber mead!"
Again, the emissary shook his head and grinned even wider.
Losing his patience, Neverember asked "Well, you've managed to stump me boy, but I must know, what is it?"
"A puppy!"
0
hexxman1Member, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 3Arc User
edited May 2013
three old wizards are sitting at a table talking about what its like to be old.
The first wizard says, "my back is so bad i can barely bend down to put my magical slippers on."
the second wizard says-" i just cant remember well, yesterday i forgot the words to my favorite spell."
The third wizard said- " i have trouble holding it in when i have to go to the bathroom"
The first and second wizard looked at the third and said" Well, what do you do about that?"
A giant and a bugbear are both in the woods taking a <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font>. The giant says to the bugbear " do you have a problem with <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font> sticking to your fur?" the bugbear says "no" so the giant grabs him and wipes his but with him.
This is the rare Gnomish killing joke often told in game and it does kill but not because its funny.
" The Yeti's in Icewind dale are dangerous to most folk unless you know their weakness."
" Yeti's love pees thats right pees."
" So you first have to cut a large hole in the ice in the middle of a frozen lake."
" Then sorround the hole with pees."
" When the yeti goes to take a pee."
" You kick him in the ice hole!"
" Har Har Har."
0
bromorinMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 2Arc User
edited May 2013
Florida: Knock Knock
Minnesota: Who's there?
Florida: Neverwinter
Minnesota: SERIOUSLY? Do you have to rub it in?
ravyn47Member, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 9Arc User
edited May 2013
An elven wizard walks into a component shop and asks the merchant for a nice, ripe pound of brains.
"I have 3 different kinds," the merchant says. "Human, Dwarf and Orc."
"How much for the human?" the elf asks.
"8 gold." replies the merchant.
"Ah. Not bad," says the elf. "Dwarf may be a bit cheaper, eh?"
"Aye," says the merchant. "6 gold."
"Hmm.. nice. How about the orc brains?"
"600 platinum," says the merchant.
"600 platinum!!" exclaims the wizard. "Why in the world are orc brains so expensive?!"
To which the merchant replies "Do you know how many orcs I have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"
What do you do when you see a Drow with half a face?
Stop laughing and reload!
And finally
A half-orc barbarian is chasing a gnome through a forest, intent on killing and robbing him. The gnome, screaming, runs straight into an efreeti who is studying the ways of druids.
"Enough!" Yells that efreeti, "I can't concentrate with all this noise! If both of you will just stop bickering I will grant you three wishes each." The gnome hastily agrees to the efreeti's terms. The half-orc, intent on getting his way,
pushes the gnome to the side.
"This is simple," declares the half-orc. "I wish that every other orc in my tribe was female." The efreeti nods his head, declaring the wish complete. The gnome looks at the half-orc, smiles, then makes his first wish.
"I wish for a riding dog." The efreeti nods his head.
"Stupid Gnome" taunts the half-orc, "You could wish for a whole pack of dogs, or gold to buy them with!" The gnome is intent on his wish, so the half-orc makes his second. "You know, maybe just the women in my tribe aren't enough? I wish that every other orc in the kingdom was female." The efreeti nods his head then looks at the gnome.
"I wish for a saddle for my riding dog" says the gnome. The efreeti nods.
"Again the gnome is stupid!" says the half-orc. "Gold could get you both those things and more." The gnome ignores the half-orc's words, so the half-orc continues to make his final wish.
"Come to think of it, we sometimes raid villages outside this kindom, maybe just the orcs around here aren't enough? I wish that every other orc in the world was female." The efreeti nods his head. The gnome calmly walks over to his dog and pats it on the nose. He picks his new saddle off the ground and straps it to his mount. He jumps on the dog, looks far into the distance and utters his final wish before galloping off towards the horizon.
"I wish Mr.Half-Orc was <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font>."
Comments
If you hate why stay?
The next day comes. The dwarf stares at his mutton-on-wheat with mustard and sighs. "Well, at least it's filling."
The human takes out his salted chicken and lettuce on rye and nudges the dwarf next to him. "Trade ya." They swap, and start eating.
The half-orc pulls out his turkey leg and goes screaming over the edge. Both the other miners just stare at him.
"Huh." The dwarf muttered. "I di'int expect tha'."
"You didn't think he'd make such a big deal about his lunch?" The human mused, still a little shocked.
"`Specially since he packed `is OWN lunch each day."
Rouge = Red in french
Rogue = the class you surely were referring to -.-'
For the Orcs, Goblins are very cunning and dangerous rivals,
For our party, they're both around 45xp.
When the Guardsmen arrive, they go to the first tree where the Halfling is hiding and shout, "We know you're up there, come down!"
The Halfling, thinking fast, says, "Tweet, tweet, tweet!"
The Guardsmen, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next tree where the Gnome is hiding and once again shout, "We know you're up there, come down!"
The Gnome, thinking fast, says, "Whoo, whoo, whoo!"
The Guardsmen, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next tree where the Half-Orc is hiding and once again shout, "We know you're up there, come down!"
The Half-Orc thinks for a while and then says, "Moo, moo, moo..."
A small dirty joke:
A white Knight falls into a mud puddle. :P
My mommy she wanted a baby,
My mommy she summoned my dad.
My daddy went over my mommy,
And thats why I got horns and am red!
A: Don't be so negative...
^^
Why did the Dwarf get fired from his cashiers job at wal mart?
He kept coming up short.
A 6 foot tall , beautiful brunette female employee of a big company rushes into the human resources office and demands to talk to the manager,
"what can i do for you" asks the manager?
I want to have an employee fired for making sexually crude remarks.-said the woman
Oh really, tell me what this employee said.- said the manager
"well we got into an elevator and when we got out he turned to me and said, "hey your hair small nice!"
"thats it?"- asked the manager, "whats So sexually crude about that?"
The woman got right in the managers face and said " That employee was Jim, the Dwarf from accounting!"
Now for the true story, when i was younger a girlfriend of mine and myself decided to dress up cosplay style like our favorite Dungeons and dragons characters for a local sci-fi /fantasy convention. Well we worked for weeks on our costumes, however our lack of sewing skills really showed, but finally after much wasted cloth, and many nights of pins sticking in me. we were done. I was dressed as a thief with a hooded cape and very non descript breeches type pants with a drawstring. a leather belt with two small daggers, and numerous little compartments with snaps for carrying things etc. I had also found some old dental type tools at a flea market and carried these in a small burlap pouch attached to my waist , to represent my thieves picks and tools.
While my girlfriend went as a female fighter with lots of studded leather, ( we couldnt afford real mail) and she had overlayed leather on top a bra of hers to fit her um, ample chest. she wore a circlet i made out of thick copper wire and some polished stones, and carried a rather heavy sword, dullled of course no sharp weapons allowed with a scabbard on her back and open toed sandals.. well after maybe a half hour her scabbard broke so she carried her sword in hand the whole time. We wanted to wait for the contest just in case we would win a prize ( there werent many costumed people there) well when the contest started we had to parade before the crowd on stage and the loudest cheers would win, so anyway we walk up on stage , my girlfriend miserable form holding this heavy sword and me constantly holding and pulling up my badly sewn pants that fall down with each step. This is where the real fun begins.
So as we stop on the stage my girlfriend howls her best warcry, kinda like a mountain goat with throat cancer, and jumps up in the air landing a bit awkwardly twisting her ankle. she immediately grabs her ankle and when she bends down her leather chest piece decides its had too much, and snaps! Flashing everyone, Now i being the protective male i try to whip my hooded cape off to cover her , and when i do my pants drop right to the floor exposing my thankfuly clean underwear for all to see. not boxers either. i quickly grab my pants and while pulling them up, my pouch of tools empties onto my girlfriends feet, one of the sharp dentist picks lands right in her tender foot, causing her to yelp like a wounded mountain goat with throat cancer, and drops her sword, which convieniently lands on my right foot making me jump and squeal like a little girl and of course my pants fell down again. well after removing the pick from my girlfreinds foot, and placing a nice big bandaid on it, and thanks to another cosplayer , borrowing some duct tape to hold my pants up . we were astounded to find we had won the contest, its wasnt clear but it seemed that many of the people thought it was all part of the show. For my part I have never done cosplay again. I am much older now, and maybe this halloween ill dress up like a....well no, I guess i wont.
On her way back, she passes by the store again, and the parrot says "Hey lady! You're ugly!" Furious, she storms into the store and yells at the owner with all sorts of threats. He appoligizes and says it won't happen again.
The next day, she walks by the store and the parrot says "Hey lady!" She looks over and says "Yes?", to which he replies "You know."
First approached the Dwarven emissary from Mirabar. Feeling the weight of the box and knowing that a large haul of rubies had been unearthed recently, Lord Neverember looked the emissary in the eye and said "There are 3 rubies in here." Upon opening the box, to show he was correct, the crowd burst into applause.
The second representative was a ranger from the Elven Court. Seeing this, the Lord stated "It is a bow. I'd wager it was probably carved by your finest artisans and is as strong as it is beautiful." Sure enough, he was correct, and the crowd cheered once more.
Finally, a young halfling from Luskan scurried up to the Lord and handed him a box, which Neverember noted, had a slight damp spot on the bottom. "Ah," he thought to himself, "a fine Luskan spirit to quench my thirst!" Taking a drop from the damp portion of the box and tasting it, "Why, this must be a bottle of Blackaxe Stout!" he exclaimed.
The halfling simply grinned and shook his head.
After another taste, Neverember thought for moment before proclaiming, "I have it! It must be Colinth Amber mead!"
Again, the emissary shook his head and grinned even wider.
Losing his patience, Neverember asked "Well, you've managed to stump me boy, but I must know, what is it?"
"A puppy!"
The first wizard says, "my back is so bad i can barely bend down to put my magical slippers on."
the second wizard says-" i just cant remember well, yesterday i forgot the words to my favorite spell."
The third wizard said- " i have trouble holding it in when i have to go to the bathroom"
The first and second wizard looked at the third and said" Well, what do you do about that?"
and the third wizard responded,- "Depends." ;-)
A: None!
Q: Why would a Drow need a light blub?
Squash.
Why do nightmare horses have fire all over them?
So they can hide in fireplaces.
Have you ever seen a horse in your fireplace?
Works, doesn't it?
What's the difference between a beholder and a mailbox?
If you don't know, I'm not trusting you with my mail.
I was speaking to a NPC about increasing my dexterity. He asked, "how flexible are you?" so I said, "I can't do weekends."
What has ten legs and five intelligence points?
Five half-orcs.
BAR JOKES:
Three kobolds walk into a bar. The fourth kobold knows how to play limbo properly.
What does Minsc drink?
Boos.
A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
BED JOKES: (don't worry - nothing inappropriate!)
How do you know there's a kobold in your bed?
He's got "K" on his pyjamas.
How do you know there's an ogre in your bed?
You're on the floor.
How do you know there's a Heavy Inferno Nightmare in your bed?
Your bed is on fire.
How does everyone else know there's a Heavy Inferno Nightmare in your bed?
It got announced in the chat box.
" The Yeti's in Icewind dale are dangerous to most folk unless you know their weakness."
" Yeti's love pees thats right pees."
" So you first have to cut a large hole in the ice in the middle of a frozen lake."
" Then sorround the hole with pees."
" When the yeti goes to take a pee."
" You kick him in the ice hole!"
" Har Har Har."
Minnesota: Who's there?
Florida: Neverwinter
Minnesota: SERIOUSLY? Do you have to rub it in?
/pun
Reference to Beholder:
No, it's Neverwinter
ZING
"I have 3 different kinds," the merchant says. "Human, Dwarf and Orc."
"How much for the human?" the elf asks.
"8 gold." replies the merchant.
"Ah. Not bad," says the elf. "Dwarf may be a bit cheaper, eh?"
"Aye," says the merchant. "6 gold."
"Hmm.. nice. How about the orc brains?"
"600 platinum," says the merchant.
"600 platinum!!" exclaims the wizard. "Why in the world are orc brains so expensive?!"
To which the merchant replies "Do you know how many orcs I have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"
What do you do when you see a Drow with half a face?
Stop laughing and reload!
And finally
A half-orc barbarian is chasing a gnome through a forest, intent on killing and robbing him. The gnome, screaming, runs straight into an efreeti who is studying the ways of druids.
"Enough!" Yells that efreeti, "I can't concentrate with all this noise! If both of you will just stop bickering I will grant you three wishes each." The gnome hastily agrees to the efreeti's terms. The half-orc, intent on getting his way,
pushes the gnome to the side.
"This is simple," declares the half-orc. "I wish that every other orc in my tribe was female." The efreeti nods his head, declaring the wish complete. The gnome looks at the half-orc, smiles, then makes his first wish.
"I wish for a riding dog." The efreeti nods his head.
"Stupid Gnome" taunts the half-orc, "You could wish for a whole pack of dogs, or gold to buy them with!" The gnome is intent on his wish, so the half-orc makes his second. "You know, maybe just the women in my tribe aren't enough? I wish that every other orc in the kingdom was female." The efreeti nods his head then looks at the gnome.
"I wish for a saddle for my riding dog" says the gnome. The efreeti nods.
"Again the gnome is stupid!" says the half-orc. "Gold could get you both those things and more." The gnome ignores the half-orc's words, so the half-orc continues to make his final wish.
"Come to think of it, we sometimes raid villages outside this kindom, maybe just the orcs around here aren't enough? I wish that every other orc in the world was female." The efreeti nods his head. The gnome calmly walks over to his dog and pats it on the nose. He picks his new saddle off the ground and straps it to his mount. He jumps on the dog, looks far into the distance and utters his final wish before galloping off towards the horizon.
"I wish Mr.Half-Orc was <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font>."