- Hey elf, do you know that you look like a girl?
- For you, humans, everything looks like a girls...
- What do you mean?
- Well, how do you think were half-orcs born? Half-dragons? Lizardfolk, Gnolls, Tieflings?
- But Tieflings were... oh, just shut up!
- Hags, Harpies, Medusa, Centaurs....
- Just shut up, would you?
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foxoramaMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 6Arc User
edited May 2013
Q. What happened to the Barbarian that peeked in the Beholders girls shower room?
I'm not sure if this would be considered too adult, but this is the best DnD joke i've ever heard.
A pair of very virtuous paladins arranged a rendezvous so they could swap stories of good deeds done, foul monsters vanquished, etc. The first arrived at the meeting place, and a few minutes later the second showed up, riding on an unfamiliar horse. After a few words of greeting, the first paladin motioned towards the horse and said, "I can tell there's a story behind your new mount." The second paladin nodded and proceeded to tell the tale.
"On my way to our meeting, I was traveling through the woods and heard someone crying out for help. I raced forward and found a young maiden on horseback surrounded by a dozen goblins. I charged to her defense and slew all the goblins. The lass insisted that I take a reward of some sort, even though I told her that none was expected.
"She climbed down off the horse and peeled off all her clothes, leaving them in a pile by the horse. Then she slowly approached me. 'Take anything you desire from me,' she said in a strange, husky voice."
The first paladin looked at his comrade, then at the horse, and finally nodded.
"You chose wisely," he said. "The clothes would never have fit you."
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eclipetMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
1 "We killed the dragon! We killed the Dragon! We ... we're never going to have girlfriends, are we?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
2 A warrior comes home very drunk from the pub with a Duck under his arm, his wife answers the door "what's this?"
- The warrior replies "this is the dragon i've been shaggin'"
- The angry wife shouts "That is not a Dragon that is a duck!"
- The warrior looks at her and says "I was talking to the duck!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
3 What do you call 1000 gnomes at the bottom of the ocean?
- Littering
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
4 A Pirate walks into a bar with the ship's wheel in his breeches.
Bartender: "Sir, did you know that there is a steering wheel in your pants?"
Pirate: "Aye. It's drivin' m e nuts!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
5 A human, an elf, and a dwarf are all contracted to build a palace for the great Sultan of the Efreet. Unfortunately, the massive dome collapses and the efreet's harem is crushed to death. Furious, the Sultan orders all three to be executed by beheading.
The human is dragged by the efreet's servants to a massive obsidian guillotine. His head is locked in the stocks and they pull the lever. The obsidian blade drops -- and then stops halfway, apparently stuck. The Sultan says "It is the will of Imix that you be live, so you shall be set free."
Next the elf is dragged to the guillotine. His head is locked in the stocks and they pull the lever. The obsidian blade drops -- and then stops halfway, apparently stuck. The Sultan says "It is the will of Imix that you be live, so you shall be set free."
Finally, the dwarf is dragged to the guillotine. Just before his head is about to be locked in the stocks he looks up and says,
what do you call a short, nasty encounter with a bangcock demoness?
Tiefling
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xxuluxMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
I have a one-word D&D joke:
Owlbear.
A drow, a necromancer, an insane dwarf and the illegitimate son of a Dead god walk into a bar.
Nah, you probably know how that one comes out.
The following ones are mixed, some I made, some my friends told while playin, some I found...
Top Ten Things Your Berserker Would Never Say
1.If this wasn't such a nice inn, I'd kick your ***.
2.Do these boots go with this tunic?
3.Sometimes, I just want to be held.
4.Couldn't we just talk this over? Violence never solved anything.
5.Swords and alcohol don't mix.
6.Gee, I'd like to help you guys hunt down that rogue dragon, but Lance and I are going shopping for curtains this weekend.
7.Thank you (as well as "please", "excuse me", and "so sorry, I would appear to have stabbed you in the stomach with my broad sword").
8.I think mages are the coolest.
9.Wait a minute guys. Maybe we should think this over first.
10.Ewwwww! Blood!
Top Ten Signs You Just Met the Main Bad Guy
1.Your assassin henchman just wet his pants
. 2.The ancient red dragon you had just been fighting says "S**t, I'm out of here!" and flies away.
3.The bad guy just laughed evilly, and seven birds fell dead out of the sky.
4.The DM chuckles, and says "I spent seven hours rolling this guy up".
5.The bad guy burps, and a human toe flies out of his mouth.
6.The DM plays a tape of scary organ music, and starts talking like Boris Karloff.
7.The bad guy is dressed all in black, but has one of those little yellow smiley face buttons (DMs can be sooo sarcastic).
8.You point your wand of fire at him, and it melts.
9.The bad guy keeps Elminster in a cage, and occasionally pokes him with a fork.
10.After the battle, the only Player Character to survive is the one that stayed back in town with the flu.
Top Ten Signs You Pissed Off the Villagers
1.The "interesting new stew" you've been served at the inn smells suspiciously like sewage.
2.One ripe apple at the market place costs more than your last spellbook.
3.They're building a gallows outside of your room at the inn. They try to tell you that it's "modern art".
4.One of them asks you for a donation for the "Hire Some Thugs to Kill the Adventurers" fund.
5.Someone glued a spike to your saddle.
6.At bed time, your goose-down pillow explodes. The innkeeper says that the pillow was made from the feathers of very angry geese.
7.People keep providing you with gifts of horses, and maps out of town.
8.The mayor declares a special "Murder of Foreigners is No Longer Illegal" day, in your honour.
9.Arrows keep appearing in the dirt at your feet. Local villagers shake their head, and claim that they are fast-growing weeds.
10.The villagers hire a band of trolls to rid their town of adventurers.
Top Ten Spells That Never Made It
1.Berman's Death-to-the-Caster.
2.Power word, <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font>.
3.Gelatinous Shell (immediately surrounds the caster in a gelatinous cube).
4.Safe fall (like feather fall, but makes you weigh as much as a 12 ton bank vault).
5.Polymorph Udder (a highly specialized spell which only affects female cattle).
6.Stinking Klaus (summons a fat, smelly German business man, who chases your enemies while eating an Oktoberfest sausage and belching).
7.Magnetskin (a variation of stoneskin - makes the caster's skin magnetic, giving all metallic weapons a +10 bonus to hit).
8.Meatier Swarm (large chunks of ground chuck rain to the ground).
9.Polymorph any Omelet.
10.Fireballs (sets the target's testicles on fire - very effective, but a bit too kinky for TSR).
Top Ten Signs You Play Too Much DnD
1.Someone says "Why do you have all those numbers tattooed on your hand?", and you reply "Those aren't tattoos, they're die imprints."
2.Your elven fighter has had sex within the last six years - and you haven't.
3.You decide to play a zombie, just so you and your character can have the same skin color.
4.You've been surviving so long on Doritos, Coke, and pizza that your body now contains more plastic than your dice.
5.You can recite, verbatim, every single rule from the DMG
A Family group of Half Orc's walk into the Protectors Enclaves Theatre Management Office.
"What can I do for you today?" asks the Theatre owner.
"We are a Family of performers traveling through Neverwinter and we would like audition for your theatre." stated the Father Half Orc. "Our show is called the Aristocrats!!!"
Genus Draco Fad and the Muster@Jintortle
ID: NW-DD5FLOBTJ Cult of the Dragon Foundry Contest - Please participate and vote for your favourite - 26/6/2014 contest rating begins.
Sir Camps A Lot. Mr SlingShot Boom. XX Phantasmagorical. Jinn Dragonfeast.
SlingShot Boom Jr. Jocan Traders. Little Lord Forgatty, Dwarf Mean and introducing Necro Torquemada (The Warlock)
a goblin a dwarf and a orc are traveling on a small airship, unfortunately the airship is loosing height as there is too much weight. The goblin throws over his tinker toys and it slows its decent a little bit, the dwarf very reluctantly throws his keg over and it slow a little more, the orc then proceeds to the goblin over saying we have plenty of these back at camp
What do you can 100 Gnomes at the bottom of the ocean??
Littering
An Orc walks into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder and the bartender says "Wow, that's really neat. Where'd you get it?"
"In a cave." the parrot replies
How do you know a dwarf raided your pantry?
Only the bottom halves of the shelves are empty.
How do you know an elf raided your pantry?
Only vegetables and fruits are missing.
How do you know an ogre raided your pantry?
Pantry? What pantry?
Eagles may soar, but at least weasels don't get accidentally swallowed by dragons
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massivcontrolMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 1Arc User
edited May 2013
Hey, i just met you
and this is lazy
but here's my handle
dungeon maybe?
control wizard rogue and great weopon fighter enter a tavern. They are drinking and then they see a mutated insect in their glass. rogue stuns him and casually kills him fighter cuts the glass in pieces and walks away but control wizard stuns him then gets him in the air and starts chocking him then spawns a magnetic field and hurts the insect with forks and spoons then he paralizes him and freezes him silences and at last casts a black hole and pulls him away. The insect beaten by the Contr. Wiz rage quit and was never to be seen again
What do you can 100 Gnomes at the bottom of the ocean??
Littering
An Orc walks into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder and the bartender says "Wow, that's really neat. Where'd you get it?"
"In a cave." the parrot replies
How do you know a dwarf raided your pantry?
Only the bottom halves of the shelves are empty.
How do you know an elf raided your pantry?
Only vegetables and fruits are missing.
How do you know an ogre raided your pantry?
Pantry? What pantry?
Eagles may soar, but at least weasels don't get accidentally swallowed by dragons
Comments
Kallos Tam walks into a bar.
Kallos Tam walks into a bar.
Kallos Tam walks into a bar.
Kallos Tam walks into a bar.
- Hey elf, do you know that you look like a girl?
- For you, humans, everything looks like a girls...
- What do you mean?
- Well, how do you think were half-orcs born? Half-dragons? Lizardfolk, Gnolls, Tieflings?
- But Tieflings were... oh, just shut up!
- Hags, Harpies, Medusa, Centaurs....
- Just shut up, would you?
A. He got an eyeful!
A pair of very virtuous paladins arranged a rendezvous so they could swap stories of good deeds done, foul monsters vanquished, etc. The first arrived at the meeting place, and a few minutes later the second showed up, riding on an unfamiliar horse. After a few words of greeting, the first paladin motioned towards the horse and said, "I can tell there's a story behind your new mount." The second paladin nodded and proceeded to tell the tale.
"On my way to our meeting, I was traveling through the woods and heard someone crying out for help. I raced forward and found a young maiden on horseback surrounded by a dozen goblins. I charged to her defense and slew all the goblins. The lass insisted that I take a reward of some sort, even though I told her that none was expected.
"She climbed down off the horse and peeled off all her clothes, leaving them in a pile by the horse. Then she slowly approached me. 'Take anything you desire from me,' she said in a strange, husky voice."
The first paladin looked at his comrade, then at the horse, and finally nodded.
"You chose wisely," he said. "The clothes would never have fit you."
1
"We killed the dragon! We killed the Dragon! We ... we're never going to have girlfriends, are we?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
2
A warrior comes home very drunk from the pub with a Duck under his arm, his wife answers the door "what's this?"
- The warrior replies "this is the dragon i've been shaggin'"
- The angry wife shouts "That is not a Dragon that is a duck!"
- The warrior looks at her and says "I was talking to the duck!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
3
What do you call 1000 gnomes at the bottom of the ocean?
- Littering
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
4
A Pirate walks into a bar with the ship's wheel in his breeches.
Bartender: "Sir, did you know that there is a steering wheel in your pants?"
Pirate: "Aye. It's drivin' m e nuts!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
5
A human, an elf, and a dwarf are all contracted to build a palace for the great Sultan of the Efreet. Unfortunately, the massive dome collapses and the efreet's harem is crushed to death. Furious, the Sultan orders all three to be executed by beheading.
The human is dragged by the efreet's servants to a massive obsidian guillotine. His head is locked in the stocks and they pull the lever. The obsidian blade drops -- and then stops halfway, apparently stuck. The Sultan says "It is the will of Imix that you be live, so you shall be set free."
Next the elf is dragged to the guillotine. His head is locked in the stocks and they pull the lever. The obsidian blade drops -- and then stops halfway, apparently stuck. The Sultan says "It is the will of Imix that you be live, so you shall be set free."
Finally, the dwarf is dragged to the guillotine. Just before his head is about to be locked in the stocks he looks up and says,
"Ach. I see the problem!"
- Captain Obvious.
Tiefling
Owlbear.
A drow, a necromancer, an insane dwarf and the illegitimate son of a Dead god walk into a bar.
Nah, you probably know how that one comes out.
The following ones are mixed, some I made, some my friends told while playin, some I found...
Top Ten Things Your Berserker Would Never Say
1.If this wasn't such a nice inn, I'd kick your ***.
2.Do these boots go with this tunic?
3.Sometimes, I just want to be held.
4.Couldn't we just talk this over? Violence never solved anything.
5.Swords and alcohol don't mix.
6.Gee, I'd like to help you guys hunt down that rogue dragon, but Lance and I are going shopping for curtains this weekend.
7.Thank you (as well as "please", "excuse me", and "so sorry, I would appear to have stabbed you in the stomach with my broad sword").
8.I think mages are the coolest.
9.Wait a minute guys. Maybe we should think this over first.
10.Ewwwww! Blood!
Top Ten Signs You Just Met the Main Bad Guy
1.Your assassin henchman just wet his pants
. 2.The ancient red dragon you had just been fighting says "S**t, I'm out of here!" and flies away.
3.The bad guy just laughed evilly, and seven birds fell dead out of the sky.
4.The DM chuckles, and says "I spent seven hours rolling this guy up".
5.The bad guy burps, and a human toe flies out of his mouth.
6.The DM plays a tape of scary organ music, and starts talking like Boris Karloff.
7.The bad guy is dressed all in black, but has one of those little yellow smiley face buttons (DMs can be sooo sarcastic).
8.You point your wand of fire at him, and it melts.
9.The bad guy keeps Elminster in a cage, and occasionally pokes him with a fork.
10.After the battle, the only Player Character to survive is the one that stayed back in town with the flu.
Top Ten Signs You Pissed Off the Villagers
1.The "interesting new stew" you've been served at the inn smells suspiciously like sewage.
2.One ripe apple at the market place costs more than your last spellbook.
3.They're building a gallows outside of your room at the inn. They try to tell you that it's "modern art".
4.One of them asks you for a donation for the "Hire Some Thugs to Kill the Adventurers" fund.
5.Someone glued a spike to your saddle.
6.At bed time, your goose-down pillow explodes. The innkeeper says that the pillow was made from the feathers of very angry geese.
7.People keep providing you with gifts of horses, and maps out of town.
8.The mayor declares a special "Murder of Foreigners is No Longer Illegal" day, in your honour.
9.Arrows keep appearing in the dirt at your feet. Local villagers shake their head, and claim that they are fast-growing weeds.
10.The villagers hire a band of trolls to rid their town of adventurers.
Top Ten Spells That Never Made It
1.Berman's Death-to-the-Caster.
2.Power word, <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font>.
3.Gelatinous Shell (immediately surrounds the caster in a gelatinous cube).
4.Safe fall (like feather fall, but makes you weigh as much as a 12 ton bank vault).
5.Polymorph Udder (a highly specialized spell which only affects female cattle).
6.Stinking Klaus (summons a fat, smelly German business man, who chases your enemies while eating an Oktoberfest sausage and belching).
7.Magnetskin (a variation of stoneskin - makes the caster's skin magnetic, giving all metallic weapons a +10 bonus to hit).
8.Meatier Swarm (large chunks of ground chuck rain to the ground).
9.Polymorph any Omelet.
10.Fireballs (sets the target's testicles on fire - very effective, but a bit too kinky for TSR).
Top Ten Signs You Play Too Much DnD
1.Someone says "Why do you have all those numbers tattooed on your hand?", and you reply "Those aren't tattoos, they're die imprints."
2.Your elven fighter has had sex within the last six years - and you haven't.
3.You decide to play a zombie, just so you and your character can have the same skin color.
4.You've been surviving so long on Doritos, Coke, and pizza that your body now contains more plastic than your dice.
5.You can recite, verbatim, every single rule from the DMG
More rogues.
A: " Oh no, not canned food again!"
"What can I do for you today?" asks the Theatre owner.
"We are a Family of performers traveling through Neverwinter and we would like audition for your theatre." stated the Father Half Orc. "Our show is called the Aristocrats!!!"
ID: NW-DD5FLOBTJ Cult of the Dragon Foundry Contest - Please participate and vote for your favourite - 26/6/2014 contest rating begins.
Sir Camps A Lot. Mr SlingShot Boom. XX Phantasmagorical. Jinn Dragonfeast.
SlingShot Boom Jr. Jocan Traders. Little Lord Forgatty, Dwarf Mean and introducing Necro Torquemada (The Warlock)
Canned Food.
your mum when you behold-er the morning after
He's dragon us down
give us a elf'in hand
whats up dwarf you look a lil down
scuttle away like the drider you are
hahaha love it + u can change the color by throwing kobolds or gnomes
Halfling wears Size SS shirt. The dwarf wears Size XXXL shirt.
and halflings have half a pint a dwarf the keg
Littering
An Orc walks into the bar with a parrot on his shoulder and the bartender says "Wow, that's really neat. Where'd you get it?"
"In a cave." the parrot replies
How do you know a dwarf raided your pantry?
Only the bottom halves of the shelves are empty.
How do you know an elf raided your pantry?
Only vegetables and fruits are missing.
How do you know an ogre raided your pantry?
Pantry? What pantry?
Eagles may soar, but at least weasels don't get accidentally swallowed by dragons
and this is lazy
but here's my handle
dungeon maybe?
the bards would jest and croon.
"First the spellplague then Mount Hotenow,
the only way that city will say ciao,
Is a bassoon that summoned a typhoon of baboons!"
maybe slightly stolen