A Dwarf walks into a bar, climbs into a stool, and orders a drink. As the drink is being prepared, he reaches into his satchel and proceeds to remove a tiny piano and place it on the bar. He then removes a sprite, about a foot tall, who once placed upon the counter races to the piano and gleefully begins to play. The bartender watches this in amazement, and as he brings the drink over to the Dwarf.
The bartender asks, "I've never seen a sprite in all my life, let alone one that plays the piano! Where did you find such a thing?"
The Dwarf replied, "Well, you see I have this magical lamp, which contains a Djinni who grants wishes."
Upon hearing this the bartender grows even more excited. "Would you mind if I asked for a wish? I'll give you all your drinks from this day forth on the house!"
The Dwarf grows hesitant. "Well, he's not very good at it. You see he's rather old and has this hearing problem..."
"Nonsense my good Dwarf! Let's try it!"
So the Dwarf produces the lamp, and the wizened old Djinni appears. The bartender states "I wish for a million gold pieces!". As soon as he finishes the bar becomes filled from top to bottom in stringy, musty wool fleeces. The bartender is outraged. "I asked for a million gold pieces, not a million old fleeces!!!"
The Dwarf just smiles sadly. "You think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"
A half orc walks into a tavern....the foundations shake and the bartender yells "USE THE DOOR YOU FOOL"
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rerseMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
For the goblins the orcs are powerful enemies
For the orcs the goblins are smart and dangerous rivals
For our party they are around 45 XP
0
wizzelf0Member, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 3Arc User
edited May 2013
What does beauty and a disintegrate ray have in common?
They are both in the eye of the beholder!
0
wizzelf0Member, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 3Arc User
edited May 2013
Best DnD joke ever = 5th Edition!
0
themegafetusMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 1Arc User
edited May 2013
What do NeverWinter and a restaurant with a freshly waxed floor have in common?
Servers going down!
Nothing personal, you guys are doing a bang-up job and I'm a fan. I understand the process and I don't blame you. I just couldn't resist.
0
torontodaveMember, NW M9 PlaytestPosts: 992Arc User
edited May 2013
RE: Launch
"Neverwinter is coming."
NW-DSQ39N5SJ - 'To Infinity, and BEYOND!' - Spelljammer Quest. Skyships, Indiana Jones moments NW-DC9R4J5EH - 'The Black Pearl' - Spelljammer! Phlo Riders and Space Orcs
Thanks for all the fish.
0
capainjfulsesMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 4Arc User
edited May 2013
True Story...
Around 20 years ago while playing D&D all night, a friend fell asleep on the couch, Another of my friends placed a bong on his chest and left it there for hours, only to pick it up and pack it, smoke and put it back. We forget about it while in battle and some players cheered loudly after victory. He woke up and spilled the bong water all over himself. Every time we play over the years he always says he smells bong water..every time. I am playing NWO a couple a days ago with him and over the mic i hear " why do i smell bong water" I spit my drink out and laughed so hard i almost had a heart attack.
DM: You walk into a room and you see a door ahead of you. What do you do?
Thief: I check for traps(fails roll)
Thief: Looks like there are no traps here....
Warrior steps up and decides to bash the door down.
He takes a few steps back...
He braces himself.....
He runs head first as fast as he can....
The trap door gives way just as he is about to hit the door and he plummets to his death.
Thief: Well....what do you know......there was a trap.....
Sargent Knox is waiting for the adventurer, through rain, snow, and degrees of up to 2 billion Celsius, meanwhile, everybody is being killed by the Hambringer, or letting the guards do the work for them.
(not related: if you see me, "Elfric The Magestic" then say hello! )
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mizredavni0Member, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
A Tarrasque walks into a bar, there is no counter.
jayfunkedMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 8Arc User
edited May 2013
Why isn't the Diety Auril prominent in this game?
Because it's Neverwinter.
0
kainmortaniusMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Knight of the Feywild UsersPosts: 14Arc User
edited May 2013
Hector:Hey Sylvus you elves have a good sense of fashion what do you think of this nice silk shirt.
Sylvus:White
Hector: I know it is very clean and smooth, but what about the quality.
Sylvus: No white.
Hector: oh you say you don't like the color should I have gotten a different one?
Syvlus: No WIGHT!
(Wight bites Hector Omnomnomnomnomnom)
0
beavermagi08Member, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 1Arc User
edited May 2013
A human and an elf walk into a bar. The gnome accompanying them asks "you guys didn't see that?!"
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ess3nerMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 3Arc User
edited May 2013
how many times can we participate?
0
garthereonMember, Neverwinter Beta UsersPosts: 0Arc User
edited May 2013
There once was a Cleric named Gald
Whom walked Neverwinter bald.
When he ran into wizards.
Whom showed him his gizzards.
Then laughed when his healing spell flawed.
Lord Valtrex is a high level ranger whose favored enemy is Harpies. He really really hates Harpies. (Pun joke, Valtrex is also a medicine to cure herpies.)
Also you should have a zombie hip hop group that tries make everyone say, Unnnnh na na na na. (Master P Make em' say unnh, you will never watch the song the same way again)
I played as gwf,
That was fine,
Then suddenly i heard a smile,
I used my skills in all direction,
And relayed on my protection,
But because the pvp is ballanced bad,
A tr made me realy mad,
Without beeing able to do a ****,
He finished me with just one crit.
I am not sure if this is what you are looking for but here's some I made up today. Hope you enjoy them.
Q: What did the Human Mage say to bar tender when the Halfling Warrior pulled up a seat at the pub?
A: Hey bar tender, I’ll buy him a drink. You guys serve your beers in half pints don’t ya?
Q: What is a Rogues favorite football play?
A: The quarterback sneak.
Q: Why did the Warrior cross the bridge?
A: To get away from what was a Dragon behind him.
Story Joke: A Devoted Cleric casts his daily during a PVP match and immediately a Great Weapons Fighter drops to the ground and places his ear to the dirt, knocking on the ground and moving about. Angry that he’s not fighting the Devoted Cleric asks, “What are you doing!? We are trying to win this match!”
The Great Weapons Fighter looks up to the Devoted Cleric and without missing a beat says, “I’m lookin for your hollow ground for my extra damage!”
Angry at his stupidity he screams, “No, you idiot, HALLOWED ground, not HOLLOW ground!”
0
usarubberMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Guardian UsersPosts: 0Arc User
D&D 2.5 Session. Half way through a very long and arduous campaign.
So, My party, being a large and heavily buffed bunch of do gooders, were on a quest for seven rod pieces, to assemble and save the world or some such stuff. I, being the local dwarven trapspringer at large, needed a more monetary benefit to utilize my specific set of skills, and went along during this huge endeavor, all the while listening to everyone whine about our Paladin. At some point, we were all in a huge combat scenario, with waves of magical chaos energy turning meek and quiet cows and farm animals into raving slathering giant toothed trapspringer hungry monstrosities. Myself, being of the idea that people who enjoy engaging such creatures are better off doing so as I find out where I can find things to collect for profit later. While collecting and searching such items, our friendly neighborhood Paladin and his trusty steed manage to get scooped up by a Roc (hugemongous hawk-like bird) All the fly buffs are initialized, all the dice are rolled, but this bird is getting away with our Paladin and the coveted Rod of Seven Parts. Somehow, the Bufftice League manage to do enough damage to make it drop our fearless leader...a thousand feet overhead. Now, I don't know if you have ever imagined what a shiny goody-two shoes skydiving Paladin looks like, but I will tell you. I am sure there is a small tribe of something somewhere, that saw him in the air and decided to worship his shininess. The faithful steed, as well, was gyrating and screaming horse curse words all the way down.
This is when every player tried everything in their arsenal to slow, or stop the ONLY dude in the party able to handle the rods without going off their pretentious cracker and joining the dark side's cookie regime. EVERYONE makes a god call. I mean.. why not? Someone might listen. The fighters cry out for their Gods to listen. Nothing. The mages cast and scream and yell for aid from on high. No. I even say something to my diety about not getting money if this cat craters himself before the job is done. The priests and clerics go all OmNumSHEEbaaa and still nothing. Our DM has rolled and rolled as the Paladin makes a desperate cry to his God, in the hopes he will be heard. Nothing. Nada. We are going to lose. I am already inventorying his loot as he's falling. It's a done deal. Until the paladin's handler, decides to ask the DM if the trusty steed earned and trained by him, is intelligent enough to pray to the God of Horses or something.. Hail Mary Pass. Last one. Clocks out. The DM rolls, his eyes twitch, he rolls a second time.. sighs, mutters something about 'I'll be darned'.. and brushes the dice aside dismissively.
"Your faithful steed has let out a scream in what you believe to be fear, and he shimmers, and grows wings. He is now a brown painted Pegasus, and he proceeds to fly towards the Paladin at HAMSTER speed and catches him on his back. Apparently, someone likes horses".
Everyone, explodes into cheers and sighs, papers flying, celebration all around. Mountain Dews and Coffee cups, and other such types of imbibery clank each other in triumph as the Paladin rights himself upon his improved faithful steed, landing on the ground in front of the rest of us, who have used everything we had, fought off all the monsters (except the Roc flew away thank Moradin) and stood cheering bloody, bruised and sweating.
It was only a minute or so after that, when the 18 foot Demon appeared behind us, 4 arms (2 were lobster claw typed arms), a Boar's head, a giant gnashing slathery mouth for a midsection, wearing a special magical resist locket that USED to be one of our party member's.. until she GAVE it to him in trade for Moradin knows what... He did this chuckle thing, that shook the pellets out of my rabbit furred halfcloak, and I just sighed. Sometimes, I wish I had just become a carpenter...
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
The Way of the Samurai is found in death. When it comes to either/or, there is only the quick choice of death. It is not particularly difficult. Be determined and advance.
iceslidefallenMember, Neverwinter Beta Users, Neverwinter Hero UsersPosts: 15Arc User
edited May 2013
Hi
A dwarf is walking along a beach after a huge battle. A huge wave crashes over him, knocking him to the ground.
Spewing cures he notices a corked bottle of rum has washed in with the tide. Expecting at least a cold shot of rum he eagerly pulled the cork.
Smoke spewed from the bottle and a Dejin formed in front of him, "I am the Genie of the Lamp, and I have been trapped in this bottle for 3000 of your years. After the first thousand I swore if I was freed I would grant my savior a wish, but no one came. After two thousand years I vowed to whom every released me I would honor them with 2 valuable wishes, but alas no one came. To you my hero I grant three wishes for this day marks 3 thousand years I have been captured. What is it your heat desires?"
The dwarf stared in disbelief and after a second he said "Well I really wanted that cold rum, and I have three wishes so give me my favorite rum icy cold and I will think about it."
With a wave of his and the Genie conjured up a icy cold bottle of rum and the dwarf guzzled half in one mouthful. "AHHHHHH!!!" he said.
The Genie said "Now I must have your other two wishes, along time I have been captured, and there are many things I must do.
The dwarf said, "Wait this is a serious decision I have to think, Let me drink the rum and I will tell you then!"
"You can never drink the rum!", said the Genie. "It is Magic! When the bottle empties it fills up again!"
The dwarf drank down the rest of the rum and sure as the Genie spoke it the bottle magically refilled.
Staring again he said "So I can never drink this rum?
"No!" said the Genie
"And I have two more wishes?"
"Yes!" Said the Genie
Three adventurers go out on a quest, a cleric, a rogue and a wizard. They all sit down for lunch, outside of castle never. The cleric opens his bag to find a ham sandwich, the rogue finds a bratwurst, and the wizard finds a salad. Nowhere close to being satisfied, they each claimed 'if i ever get this for lunch again, i am going to run into castle never alone.'
The following day, they all discovered the same type of lunch. One by one, they each ran into the dungeon, trailing the screams of the others.
At their funerals, the cleric's wife claimed, "if i knew he wanted something different, i would of gave him something different!". The wife of the rogue said, "he never complained about what I was giving him for lunch." The crowd turns and looks at the wizard's wife, who is laughing uncontrollably. Astonished, the crowd asked why she's laughing. She responded, "my husband packed his own lunches!"
The Tooth Fairy, a dead sexy halfling and a smart dwarf are strolling through the forest when they see a pile of gold on the ground. Which one picks up the gold.
.
.
.
.
.
The Halfling. The other two don't exist!
Comments
The Dwarf says. "I'll take a 24oz steak. Rare. With a bottle of Dragonfire."
The Waitress responds, "And what about the vegetable?"
The Dwarf looks at the elf and growls, "He'll take the steak too, and HE'LL LIKE IT!"
The bartender asks, "I've never seen a sprite in all my life, let alone one that plays the piano! Where did you find such a thing?"
The Dwarf replied, "Well, you see I have this magical lamp, which contains a Djinni who grants wishes."
Upon hearing this the bartender grows even more excited. "Would you mind if I asked for a wish? I'll give you all your drinks from this day forth on the house!"
The Dwarf grows hesitant. "Well, he's not very good at it. You see he's rather old and has this hearing problem..."
"Nonsense my good Dwarf! Let's try it!"
So the Dwarf produces the lamp, and the wizened old Djinni appears. The bartender states "I wish for a million gold pieces!". As soon as he finishes the bar becomes filled from top to bottom in stringy, musty wool fleeces. The bartender is outraged. "I asked for a million gold pieces, not a million old fleeces!!!"
The Dwarf just smiles sadly. "You think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"
For the orcs the goblins are smart and dangerous rivals
For our party they are around 45 XP
They are both in the eye of the beholder!
Servers going down!
Nothing personal, you guys are doing a bang-up job and I'm a fan. I understand the process and I don't blame you. I just couldn't resist.
"Neverwinter is coming."
NW-DC9R4J5EH - 'The Black Pearl' - Spelljammer! Phlo Riders and Space Orcs
Thanks for all the fish.
Around 20 years ago while playing D&D all night, a friend fell asleep on the couch, Another of my friends placed a bong on his chest and left it there for hours, only to pick it up and pack it, smoke and put it back. We forget about it while in battle and some players cheered loudly after victory. He woke up and spilled the bong water all over himself. Every time we play over the years he always says he smells bong water..every time. I am playing NWO a couple a days ago with him and over the mic i hear " why do i smell bong water" I spit my drink out and laughed so hard i almost had a heart attack.
DM: You walk into a room and you see a door ahead of you. What do you do?
Thief: I check for traps(fails roll)
Thief: Looks like there are no traps here....
Warrior steps up and decides to bash the door down.
He takes a few steps back...
He braces himself.....
He runs head first as fast as he can....
The trap door gives way just as he is about to hit the door and he plummets to his death.
Thief: Well....what do you know......there was a trap.....
(not related: if you see me, "Elfric The Magestic" then say hello!
dirtnap gaming
Assistant Community Director
Miz Redavni aka oTRULYoADEPTo
Because it's Neverwinter.
Sylvus:White
Hector: I know it is very clean and smooth, but what about the quality.
Sylvus: No white.
Hector: oh you say you don't like the color should I have gotten a different one?
Syvlus: No WIGHT!
(Wight bites Hector Omnomnomnomnomnom)
Whom walked Neverwinter bald.
When he ran into wizards.
Whom showed him his gizzards.
Then laughed when his healing spell flawed.
Also you should have a zombie hip hop group that tries make everyone say, Unnnnh na na na na. (Master P Make em' say unnh, you will never watch the song the same way again)
Because with any luck, he'll be dead before she turns into her mother.
Thats funny
That was fine,
Then suddenly i heard a smile,
I used my skills in all direction,
And relayed on my protection,
But because the pvp is ballanced bad,
A tr made me realy mad,
Without beeing able to do a ****,
He finished me with just one crit.
True story
Q: What did the Human Mage say to bar tender when the Halfling Warrior pulled up a seat at the pub?
A: Hey bar tender, I’ll buy him a drink. You guys serve your beers in half pints don’t ya?
Q: What is a Rogues favorite football play?
A: The quarterback sneak.
Q: Why did the Warrior cross the bridge?
A: To get away from what was a Dragon behind him.
Story Joke: A Devoted Cleric casts his daily during a PVP match and immediately a Great Weapons Fighter drops to the ground and places his ear to the dirt, knocking on the ground and moving about. Angry that he’s not fighting the Devoted Cleric asks, “What are you doing!? We are trying to win this match!”
The Great Weapons Fighter looks up to the Devoted Cleric and without missing a beat says, “I’m lookin for your hollow ground for my extra damage!”
Angry at his stupidity he screams, “No, you idiot, HALLOWED ground, not HOLLOW ground!”
Developers sex life on caturday
So, My party, being a large and heavily buffed bunch of do gooders, were on a quest for seven rod pieces, to assemble and save the world or some such stuff. I, being the local dwarven trapspringer at large, needed a more monetary benefit to utilize my specific set of skills, and went along during this huge endeavor, all the while listening to everyone whine about our Paladin. At some point, we were all in a huge combat scenario, with waves of magical chaos energy turning meek and quiet cows and farm animals into raving slathering giant toothed trapspringer hungry monstrosities. Myself, being of the idea that people who enjoy engaging such creatures are better off doing so as I find out where I can find things to collect for profit later. While collecting and searching such items, our friendly neighborhood Paladin and his trusty steed manage to get scooped up by a Roc (hugemongous hawk-like bird) All the fly buffs are initialized, all the dice are rolled, but this bird is getting away with our Paladin and the coveted Rod of Seven Parts. Somehow, the Bufftice League manage to do enough damage to make it drop our fearless leader...a thousand feet overhead. Now, I don't know if you have ever imagined what a shiny goody-two shoes skydiving Paladin looks like, but I will tell you. I am sure there is a small tribe of something somewhere, that saw him in the air and decided to worship his shininess. The faithful steed, as well, was gyrating and screaming horse curse words all the way down.
This is when every player tried everything in their arsenal to slow, or stop the ONLY dude in the party able to handle the rods without going off their pretentious cracker and joining the dark side's cookie regime. EVERYONE makes a god call. I mean.. why not? Someone might listen. The fighters cry out for their Gods to listen. Nothing. The mages cast and scream and yell for aid from on high. No. I even say something to my diety about not getting money if this cat craters himself before the job is done. The priests and clerics go all OmNumSHEEbaaa and still nothing. Our DM has rolled and rolled as the Paladin makes a desperate cry to his God, in the hopes he will be heard. Nothing. Nada. We are going to lose. I am already inventorying his loot as he's falling. It's a done deal. Until the paladin's handler, decides to ask the DM if the trusty steed earned and trained by him, is intelligent enough to pray to the God of Horses or something.. Hail Mary Pass. Last one. Clocks out. The DM rolls, his eyes twitch, he rolls a second time.. sighs, mutters something about 'I'll be darned'.. and brushes the dice aside dismissively.
"Your faithful steed has let out a scream in what you believe to be fear, and he shimmers, and grows wings. He is now a brown painted Pegasus, and he proceeds to fly towards the Paladin at HAMSTER speed and catches him on his back. Apparently, someone likes horses".
Everyone, explodes into cheers and sighs, papers flying, celebration all around. Mountain Dews and Coffee cups, and other such types of imbibery clank each other in triumph as the Paladin rights himself upon his improved faithful steed, landing on the ground in front of the rest of us, who have used everything we had, fought off all the monsters (except the Roc flew away thank Moradin) and stood cheering bloody, bruised and sweating.
It was only a minute or so after that, when the 18 foot Demon appeared behind us, 4 arms (2 were lobster claw typed arms), a Boar's head, a giant gnashing slathery mouth for a midsection, wearing a special magical resist locket that USED to be one of our party member's.. until she GAVE it to him in trade for Moradin knows what... He did this chuckle thing, that shook the pellets out of my rabbit furred halfcloak, and I just sighed. Sometimes, I wish I had just become a carpenter...
A dwarf is walking along a beach after a huge battle. A huge wave crashes over him, knocking him to the ground.
Spewing cures he notices a corked bottle of rum has washed in with the tide. Expecting at least a cold shot of rum he eagerly pulled the cork.
Smoke spewed from the bottle and a Dejin formed in front of him, "I am the Genie of the Lamp, and I have been trapped in this bottle for 3000 of your years. After the first thousand I swore if I was freed I would grant my savior a wish, but no one came. After two thousand years I vowed to whom every released me I would honor them with 2 valuable wishes, but alas no one came. To you my hero I grant three wishes for this day marks 3 thousand years I have been captured. What is it your heat desires?"
The dwarf stared in disbelief and after a second he said "Well I really wanted that cold rum, and I have three wishes so give me my favorite rum icy cold and I will think about it."
With a wave of his and the Genie conjured up a icy cold bottle of rum and the dwarf guzzled half in one mouthful. "AHHHHHH!!!" he said.
The Genie said "Now I must have your other two wishes, along time I have been captured, and there are many things I must do.
The dwarf said, "Wait this is a serious decision I have to think, Let me drink the rum and I will tell you then!"
"You can never drink the rum!", said the Genie. "It is Magic! When the bottle empties it fills up again!"
The dwarf drank down the rest of the rum and sure as the Genie spoke it the bottle magically refilled.
Staring again he said "So I can never drink this rum?
"No!" said the Genie
"And I have two more wishes?"
"Yes!" Said the Genie
Well he said "Give me two more of those!"
Sadly, I didn't understand. Explain the punchline?
The following day, they all discovered the same type of lunch. One by one, they each ran into the dungeon, trailing the screams of the others.
At their funerals, the cleric's wife claimed, "if i knew he wanted something different, i would of gave him something different!". The wife of the rogue said, "he never complained about what I was giving him for lunch." The crowd turns and looks at the wizard's wife, who is laughing uncontrollably. Astonished, the crowd asked why she's laughing. She responded, "my husband packed his own lunches!"
.
.
.
.
.
The Halfling. The other two don't exist!