Neverwinter Jokers and Jesters Wanted!

cmpinpointerror · May 2013

Want to win a Neverwinter "Party Time" shirt, a Logitech G400 gaming mouse, or even a Logitech G19 gaming keyboard? It's easy! Tell us your best Neverwinter or Dungeons & Dragons joke and/or pun and you could be a lucky winner!

More details including rules: http://nw.perfectworld.com/news/?p=896931.

Contest begins: May 24, 2013 at 12:00 P.M. PDT (Pacific)
Contest ends: May 28, 2013 at 12:00 P.M. PDT (Pacific)

Submit your entries in this thread to qualify!

creapsy · May 2013

a Guardian, a GWF, and a Cleric walk into a bar... the Cleric pulls agro.

bobcat1313 · May 2013

*The dwarf and his sidekick goblin walk on the stage*
*The goblin leads off with a song*

goblin brew
good for you

drink, drink, drink
yum, yum, yum

Sleep all day
so much fun

wake up late
past the sun

Drink, Drink, Drink
The.. Goblin... Brew....

*The dwarf bows.*
Good evening Neverwinter! Give it up to me little gobbie friend!
A knight walks into a bar and says...
Glad I just looted this Defender's Helm of Restoration.

*The crowd mumbles.*

So... I went to the bar earlier and asked for a drink. The bartender said, "That will be 16 copper".
I told her, "I'm a little Short".

The dwarf lets out a big Bwahahaha

Why are dwarves such great guys?
Because we don't look down on anyone...

*The dwarf looks at the Halfling and shrugs.*

Sorry didn't see ye there... What do you call a chunky dwarf?
Low Fat.

Ok... Ok.. I'm killin' me self.

A knight rides by a young boy who is draggin' some wood back to his house. The knight says, "Hey kid you like dragons"?
The kid responds, "YES SIR"
The knight says, "well you better keep dragggon that wood back to ye house".

*The dwarf is the only one laughing in the pub.*

Being on the the Sword Coast I'm sure ye'all be see'n some pirates? Ye know why pirates are pirates?
Because they just arrrrrr!

*The crowd Boooooooooooos!*

Aye... Ye be wantin' a ghost and undead joke! What room do Valindra and her gang of dead avoid?
The livin' room!

What did the skeleton order to eat at the Driftwood Tavern in Protector's Enclave?
Spare Ribs!!!

Do rotters eat corn with their fingers?
No. They eat the fingers separately...

One more... ha ha ha.. one more! Why do skeletons hate the cold?
The wind goes right through them!

*The halfling gets up to leave*

ahhh ye be wantin' in on the fun little grumblebelly?

What do halflings make sandwiches with?
Shortbread!

*The goblin sidekick brings the dwarf an ale.*

Ye know what be better then one ale? TWO!

Two be better than one...
Three be better than two...

The more ale ye bring...
The more Hoopty will sing!

BWAHAHAHA!!!

*The dwarf and goblin bow, and leave the stage.*
*The crowd burst in cheers!*

qcwheeler · May 2013

A man walks around on the fair and comes across a dwarf on a chair with a rope in his hand..

the man asks: what kind of ride is this?

the dwarf replies: bungyjumping for gnomes.

iamrune · May 2013

"Did you hear the one about the Dread Gazebo?"

"It killed the entire party since nobody fired Magic Missile."

[Mixed Metaphor D&D joke!]

iamrune · May 2013

An Elf, Tiefling and Human all walk into a bar.

The Halfing rogue with them says, "You guys didn't see that?"

mitchsloth4124 · May 2013

Dungeons and Dragons: Neverwinter has so many patches that even Pirates 101 is starting to get annoyed.

qcwheeler · May 2013

An elf, a human and a dwarf are all enjoying drinks in the fallen Tower tavern when each notices a fly in their glass.
The elf places his napkin over the glass and pushes it off to the side.
The human removes the fly and keeps drinking.
The dwarf pulls out the fly and starts yelling, "Spit it out, ya *******! Spit it out!"

mitchsloth4124 · May 2013

Skydiving for halflings.

feddecampo · May 2013

I just wantedto say, that I can't play Neverwinter at night, without being terrified.
Yeah, you heard right... u.u
The dungeons music and fxs are so well made, that I got involved right in the dungeon, being more terrified, than my guardian for sure...
But at the same time, it's an awesome feeling

Cheers guys! thanks for making sucha great game

qcwheeler · May 2013

How do you know a dwarf raided your pantry?
Only the bottom halves of the shelves are empty.

How do you know an elf raided your pantry?
Only vegetables and fruits are missing.

How do you know an ogre raided your pantry?
Pantry? What pantry?

zerkreaper33 · May 2013

What does the Rogue say to the GWF?

"My crits are bigger than yours"

pookemeister · May 2013

Some copy pasta, but awesome nonetheless

playing half orc monk
decide to play something beyond weaboo 'i am a master of martial arts'
spend 100 gp on inlaid mask with intricate tribal designs sewn on the side with a 'fin'
BECOME LOS TIBURON, THE SHARK OF THE LAND, MASKED WRESTLER
take feats revolving around grappling
grapple EVERYTHING
EVERYTHING
EVERY. SINGLE. THING.
including, but not limited to, a bear
final part of campaign
OH SNAP A DRAGON
dragon acts like a <font color="orange">HAMSTER</font>, ducking into water and popping up to use breath weapon
forget that, I'm charging him
brother, playing warforged fighter, assists my MIGHTY LEAP into the air, where I pose in mid-air, shouting about the HONOR OF THE MASK
TACKLE A FREAKING DRAGON
deal unarmed damage, latch on, take deep breath in preparation for the underwater struggle
dragon goes up. forgot they can actually fly.
DM gives me option to let go before he goes up. Screw that, I'm still wrestling.
200 FEET IN THE AIR, STILL WRESTLING A DRAGON AND DEALING UNARMED DAMAGE
Dragon actually starts hurting me. Have to come up with a plan. BRILLIANCE STRIKES ME.
"I roll to pin."
Entire table is silent.
I roll to 'pin' his wings behind his back, so he can't fly anymore.
ENTIRE TABLE IS LEANING OVER SO I CAN MAKE MY ROLL OF DESTINY
NATURAL. FREAKING. TWENTY.
I pin the dragon's wings, sending it and me hurtling into ground. I have six seconds to make my final statement.
"I AM LOS TIBURON! And I am...a lucha!!!"
Dragon's neck snaps on impact
Through sheer luck or GM fiat, possibly both, I survive with -4 HP
Cleric puts me back at one, picks me up, holding one arm into the air
My brother immediately bangs his shield twice, making a bell noise
Party's bard/diplomancer: "And the winner is....Los Tiburon!"
high fives all around

kestil · May 2013

D4, 6, 8 and 20 walk into a bar. Everyone leaves. Confused, they approach the bartender and ask, "Why did everyone leave?" the bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "Nobody wants to hang around when things get dicey."

sekular138 · May 2013

What do you call an Orc with half a brain? Gifted.

sormir · May 2013

A drow, a tiefling, and a half-orc are standing on the roof of a burning building. Their only possible escape is to jump into a blanket held by a group of humans on the streets below.

The drow is the first to approach the edge. "Jump!" yell the humans. "It's your only chance!"

Seeing no other alternative, the drow jumps off the roof. The humans pull away the blanket, leaving the drow to splat on the street, dead.

Next is the tiefling. "Come on, you have to jump!" the humans shout.

"I don't think so," the tiefling responds. "You're just going to pull away the blanket and leave me to die!"

"No we're not!" the humans yell back. "It's just drow we don't like. We're fine with tieflings!"

Convinced, the tiefling jumps off and goes splat as the humans pull back the blanket.

Only the half-orc remains on top of the burning building. "Hurry up and jump or you're gonna burn!" the humans shout.

"Nothing you humans say is gonna convince me you won't pull away the blanket," the half-orc responds. "So before I jump, I want you to set the blanket on the ground and back away."

pagangirl1986 · May 2013

A man walks into a room and shouts "Lets get this party started!"
Everyone else in the room pulls out dice and books.

choranth · May 2013

What's the influence of halflings in Silverymoon's economy?

A little one.

falcogoodbody · May 2013

They say truth is in the Eye of the Beholder. Are you a low level PC? Then YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!!

cryptworks · May 2013

More anecdote than joke, but all very true.

My son when younger loved playing neverwinter nights, baldur's gate, and their successors. he got quite successful with them and was able to excel. Very first Real D&D game we played he recalled his bard from the computer game and decided to make one for tabletop.

Very first encounter i had a small cottage with a few kobolds in it, he decides that in the fashion of the computer games he had become accustomed to he rushes in , with much swash and buckle, leaps on a table and skewers a kobold. in return the remaining 5 loos their crossbow bolts in in general vicinity and kill him twice over.

What happened next was a very lengthy discussion about tactics, tabletop gaming, and computer games :-)

seraphf · May 2013

Knock Knock

Who's there
Falafel
Falafel who ?
Falafel off my Appaloosa and hurt my knee

ardukk · May 2013

So, a man is trying to rob the group's Bard and gets caught, but the Bard is at the door and there are no windows. He says: "looks like you're caught between a rock and a Bard place."

kamicase13 · May 2013

Jesus saves...... the rest of the party take full dmg

ghestapw · May 2013

Seen in guild chat the other day:

Guildmate 1 - "I'm so lucky, my GF is one of those people that sleeps 12+ hours a day."
Guildmate 2 - "Why does that make you lucky?"
Guildmate 1 - "Because I have more time to play without her bothering me. I love her so much for that."
Guildmate 2 - "Ooooooooooooh.... so you weren't talking about a guardian fighter. I get it now."

PS. Do I get bonus points for the name of my guild <iTyrant> considering I play on the beholder server?

sekular138 · May 2013

Why do dwarves have such big nostrils?

Look at the size of their fingers!!

sekular138 · May 2013

What's the difference between a human being swallowed by a dragon, and a gnome being swallowed by a dragon?
Being swallowed was part of the gnome's plan.

darkdeathrap · May 2013

A level 1 Human Female Trickster Rogue goes into a bar, goes up to the bartender and asks "Why is that guy in the corner looking at me like that?" the Bartender reply's "That's my beholder he keeps an eye out for trouble makers." The woman then asks "but why are all his eyes fixed on me?" Bartenders face goes red before he reply's "You seem to have forgotten to equip your starting armor".

feltiar · May 2013

Two dwarves are stranded in a boat with no paddles. with the last of his effort on of the dwarves digs in the compartments of the boat and finds a magic lamp. With hope of rescue he rubs it. An efreet appears and says "What is your one wish?". Without thinking the other dwarf says "I wish this whole ocean was made of ale!". The first dwarf looks at the second with anger and says "Great. Now we have to pee in the boat.".

parasprite · May 2013

What is the name of the calvinism reformer?
R: General Knox!

havion · May 2013

Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder.

and also...

Zombies can't dance, they have no soul!

oh and...

Did you hear about the bards that robbed the music store? They were luters!

azghorra · May 2013

Back in the 3.5 days, I always wanted to run a landshark that had the half-fey template. From the description in the Fiend Folio:

Speed: All half-fey have butterflylike wings unless the base creature has wings already. A half-fey that did not already have wings gains a fly speed equal to twice the base creature's fastest mode of movement, with good maneuverability.

That way, I could run a Bulette with Butterfly Wings.

Neverwinter Jokers and Jesters Wanted!

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