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Know any DnD jokes?
undeadcrabb
Member Posts: 544 Arc User
Know any D&D jokes, that you want to tell everyone? If not - why not come up with new ones? It really doesn't matter where you get them, as long as they are funny and don't go against NW rules of conduct.
ok, I'll start:
DM. The door is shut and locked.
Fighter. I kick the door down...
...DM. The door is unlocked.
Fighter. I kick the door down...
...DM. The door is ajar.
Fighter. I walk over to the door, shut it and kick it down.
What's the difference between a Dwarf in an ore shaft and an Ogre in a fancy restaurant?
-One delves in his wells for iron, one dwells on his elves a'fryin'.
-One bores for the Dwarf's ore, one's bored with the hors d'oeuvres.
-One knows his picks, the other picks his nose.
ok, I'll start:
DM. The door is shut and locked.
Fighter. I kick the door down...
...DM. The door is unlocked.
Fighter. I kick the door down...
...DM. The door is ajar.
Fighter. I walk over to the door, shut it and kick it down.
What's the difference between a Dwarf in an ore shaft and an Ogre in a fancy restaurant?
-One delves in his wells for iron, one dwells on his elves a'fryin'.
-One bores for the Dwarf's ore, one's bored with the hors d'oeuvres.
-One knows his picks, the other picks his nose.
Folow me on Deviant art! 
Post edited by undeadcrabb on
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Instead of a joke, I'll post my favorite April Fool's edition spell:
Create Diamond – When the casting of this level 5 conjuration spell is complete, the caster finds himself holding a flawless, cut diamond worth 15,000 gold pieces. It is a real (though non-magical) diamond in every way, and stands up to scrutiny from the most skilled appraiser. Material component: 1 flawless, cut diamond worth at least 15,000 gp, which is consumed by the casting. (Yeah, this one’s mine)
(It's probably sad that reading this makes me snicker every single time...)
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~~~
Two rangers that are out hunting for food are walking through Tangleroot Forest, and discover a large well in the ground.
One of the rangers curious as to how deep this well was threw a small stone into and turned his head to listen............nothing. He then gathers up a larger stone, picks it up with both hands and throws it in the well, turns his head to the side to listen............nothing.
He exclaims to his buddy, man, that is some well. Lets find something bigger to throw off in there. Well the two find a cross tie. One says to the other, pick up one side, I'll get the other. Surely when this thing hits the bottom we'll know it. So the two throw this cross-tie into the well and begin to listen.
After a few seconds they hear a goat, wailing at the top of its lungs, while it is running straight toward the two hunters. The goat continues toward them, passes right between the men, and goes off in the well. One hunter in excitement and disbelief, proclaims to the other, did you see that crazy goat!!?? That **** thing just jumped in that well!!
The commotion attracted the attention of a local farmer, and he made his way over to the hunters. He asked the guys, "Have you seen my goat, I cant seem to find him?"
One of the hunters still excited tells the farmer, sure we have seen your goat. He just ran down that hill straight toward us and jumped off in this well. The farmer replies back, nah, that couldn't have been my goat, my goat was tied to a cross-tie.
TYRS PALADIUM - A Premier Neverwinter Online Guild
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-why did evil cross the road?
-to get smited.
-How many drow does it take to screw a lightbulb?
-none, they have infravision!
A dwarf and a human walks into a bar, and halfling under it.
Paladin's and Mercy Killings
What would a paladin do?
Paladin of Tymora: I'll flip a coin. Tails you live and head you lose yours.
Paladin of Sune: I won't kill you but if you'd like one last *wink*nod*wink* then stand at the back of the line.
Paladin of Cyric: It would be my honor. *kill* *raises as undead*
Paladin of Torm: You DARE to abandon your post? Torm strike you down coward! *kill*
Paladin of Loviatar: Hold that thought; here are some nice Orc gentlemen I wanted you to meet.
Paladin of Waukeen: What's it worth to ya?
Paladin of Mask: Well I dunno.. LOOK OVER THERE! *Backstab, rifle through coinpurse*
Paladin of Oghma: *First recites a summation of this thread, complete with cross-indexed references and legal precedences from 3 planes, citing various previous Paladins and dieties and the various and sundry means by which such an act could be accomplished and justified then stops as the orc horde falls over from boredom and blinks owlishly* "I'm sorry, what was the question again?"
and this one, ladies and gentelmen, is my favorite by far:
An elven bard walks into a tavern and asks the crowd, "Who's dragon is that outside?"
An older gentleman, dressed in archmage robes stands up, and replies "Mine. Why?"
The bard somberly approaches the mage. "I regret to inform you that the halfling in our party has killed your dragon"
"What!" erupts the archmage. "Your halfling killed Rithvaeraradace. Slayer of the Elminster, Destroyer of Cormyr, Raider of Waterdeep, Ruler of the Dales, Thorn to the Gods, and Bane of all Toril! How did this happen!?"
The bard sheepishly looks at the archmage and replies "Well...the little guy got stuck in its throat!"
Moral: Always chew your food.
How do ya hide an orc?
Put 'im in a cherry tree and paint 'is goolies red!
Player of Wilcomb Goodale
**** it bard, pull your pants up, that's not what magic mouths are for......
http://rockbottom.enjin.com
this.. made me laugh my *** of!
As a reward I give you these two:
-What do you call a cross dressing high powered creature?
-A drag-on.
-What do underdark elves wear?
-Drowzers!
Roll the dice to see if I'm getting drunk!
XD I saw yer drowzers! They're black!
Player of Wilcomb Goodale
I know it's kinda cheesy but this one actually made me LOL.
FREE ALE FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!
So Tark asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of hot pepper whiskey, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never been intimate with any man. You gotta... make things right for her, if you catch me drift."
Tark says "Sound easy, Tark will win free ale." He grabs the gallon of pepper whiskey with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The orc staggers back into the bar, his tunic ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says, "Where is woman with sore tooth?"
Player of Wilcomb Goodale
A. Only one, but it only "appears" to be lit
How many Halflings does it take to light a candle?
A. You mean you'd trust a halfling with your candle?
How many Elves does it take to light a candle?
A. Three: one to sing, one to dance, one to summon the spiritual guardian of joyous flame forth into the realm material.
How many Dwarves does it take to light a candle?
A. Three, one to count the money, one to light the candle and one to check for sliding stone panels.
How many Half-elves does it take to light a candle?
A. Surprisingly only 1, it turns out that half-elves are good for something after all.
How many trolls does it take to light a candle?
A. only one, but he's very, very careful
So the two dwarves are floating along, and they notice a crate from one of the ship's holds next to their little boat. They manage to pull it aboard, and using a dagger, crack it open. Inside is a small lamp. On a lark, Ceamac pulls it out and rubs it.
Poof. A Djinni appears and gratefully tells Cearmac that for freeing him, he will now grant him one wish.
Cearmac thinks for a moment, and then says "I wish the sea were full of fine dwarvish ale."
The Djinni bows, and the wish is granted. Overjoyed, Cearmac starts scooping the ale up from over the side of the boat and guzzling it out of his helm. After a bit he notcies that Vezzin isn't drinking any.
"Say, Vezzin, what's the problem?"
"Cearmac, you bloody fool, now we have to pee in the boat."
Human: Hey elf, you look like a girl.
Elf: ... Yes well to you humans alot of things must look like girls.
Human: What?
Elf: Half-orcs, Half-fiends, Half-trolls...
Human: okay okay.. shut up..
Dwarf: Half-ogres, Half-elves, Half-dragons..
Human: I said shut up!
Elf: ...
Dwarf: ...
Human: ...
Elf: Centaurs..
"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for 90 gold, Barbie Goes to the Ball for 90 gold, Barbie Goes Shopping for 90 gold, Barbie Goes to the Beach for 90 gold, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for 90 gold, and Divorced Barbie for 1690 gold."
"Hey, hang on," the barbarian asks, "why is Divorced Barbie 1690 gold when all the others are only 90 gold?"
"Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
TYRS PALADIUM - A Premier Neverwinter Online Guild
No Drama. Camaraderie. TEAM Focus. That's the TYRS way. If that's your style, come join us!
Research our Guild here: Read our official Recruitment thread | Sign up here: Tyrs Guild Website! | NEVERWINTER GUILD LEADERS: Join the Fellowship!
Haha, that one is funny, cause it's true.........(sniff)
http://rockbottom.enjin.com
Ranger wearing plate mail in a misty echoing crypt: “I try to move silently”
Apprentice to mage: “By the way master, I finally shot that pesky owl that kept following you around.”
Party fighting a band of thieves in a 4x3x4m room, when the mage says, with serious tone: “Hell, I cast a fireball, THAT’ll teach’em.”
Party laying on a hillside spying on the Imperial Army of Darkness commanded by Gul the Necromancer himself (+/- 10,000 troops): “Hmmm, if we attack from the rear, do we get bonuses on our attack roll??”
Paladin as the lone survivor of a party of 7 facing an army of evil and undead creatures, which just slaughtered his fellow adventurers: “Huh, why should I run? I got protection from evil in a 15ft radius, THEY can’t touch me” (last words).
“Until now, I didn’t think arch-devils traveled in groups”.
“I missed with a natural 20?”
“I didn’t think anything did 40-400 points of damage”.
“We should have become farmers”.
“I didn’t even know Zeus was mad at me”.
“He has a magic resistance of what?”
“You say we were completely surprised by a fifty-foot dinosaur hiding in that empty field”.
“The thief stole my fighter’s armor while he was wearing it?”
“Armed with only a silver belt buckle, my hero is surrounded by hordes of werewolves…”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=waa2ucfgVgQ
Ten. One to screw in the lightbulb and nine to tell him how he could have done it better.
Three drow walk in to a bar. It's okay, because they're Chaotic Good Rangers who strive to coexist peacefully in a world that rejects them on sight. Just like their 80 billion cousins.
The White Dragon hatching says to it's mother "Mom, am I a real White Dragon?"
The mother replies "Shut up idiot. Of course you are."
The hatchling responds "Are you sure I'm a real White Dragon?"
The mother replies "What are you, stupid? I just said you were, now shut up before I whack you."
The hatchling waits for a bit, and after several hours, finally asks again "Are you sure you didn't screw a red dragon or something?"
The mother, tired of all this snarls back "Why? Why do you keep asking such a stupid question?"
The hatchling replies "Because I'm @#! freezing."
An elven wizard walks into a component shop and asks the merchant for a nice, ripe pound of brains.
"I have 3 different kinds," the merchant says. "Human, Dwarf and Orc."
"How much for the human?" the elf asks.
"8 gold." replies the merchant.
"Ah. Not bad," says the elf. "Dwarf may be a bit cheaper, eh?"
"Aye," says the merchant. "6 gold."
"Hmm.. nice. How about the orc brains?"
"600 platinum," says the merchant.
"600 platinum!!" exclaims the wizard. "Why in the hell are orc brains so expensive?!"
To which the merchant replies "Do you know how many orcs I have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"
TYRS PALADIUM - A Premier Neverwinter Online Guild
No Drama. Camaraderie. TEAM Focus. That's the TYRS way. If that's your style, come join us!
Research our Guild here: Read our official Recruitment thread | Sign up here: Tyrs Guild Website! | NEVERWINTER GUILD LEADERS: Join the Fellowship!
Will the creators of D&D still play when they are dead?
I think they will be rolling in their graves
What do D&D characters drive?
A Car-isma
What do you call religious gene knight?
A paladjinn
What do you call a D&D lawyer?
A BAR-barian
In D&D what metal is symbolized by the symbol Ko?
Kobold (Cobalt)
If you die from an inspire courage attack what happened?
You died of a bard attack
Why was the wizard convention so successful?
They had a good staff
What is the D&D leveling up operating system?
Windows XP
How does a minstrel excuse himself?
Bard-on me
Why couldn't the singer get past the door?
It was bard
What happened when the dwarf, the elf, and the orc challenged each other?
It was a race
What do post office employees hate to deliver?
Chain mail
A barbarian, a rogue and a wizard is sitting in a sinking boat. The rogue is hiding and the wizard teleports away, so the barbarian jumps overboard himself.
Q: Why did the goblin cross the road?
A: He didn't, he only got halfway before the dwarves tagged him
Q: What did the stealthed Ranger say when he snuck up behind a Miniature Giant Space Hamster?
A: Boo!
Q: What did Minsc say when trying to sneak in stealth past a nest of Beholders?
A: Don't go for the Eyes, Boo!
Really liked this one
If you've heard it before then I hope you enjoy it again. Anyways also visit my YouTube as later I will be putting up a 2 part Neverwinter features video, but you can while you wait enjoy my other videos. http://www.youtube.com/user/survivingfrank
And... this 4) "We killed the dragon! We killed the Dragon! We ... we're never going to have girlfriends, are we?"
If you've heard it before then I hope you enjoy it again. Anyways also visit my YouTube as later I will be putting up a 2 part Neverwinter features video, but you can while you wait enjoy my other videos. http://www.youtube.com/user/survivingfrank