The focal point here was supposed to be the events surrounding her stay in the cave, whatever those'll turn out to be. The whole accident aspect was just in there as a logical means of getting her into that cave.
I didn't even consider that the accident itself would be seen as the central point. Interesting perspective.
The focal point here was supposed to be the events surrounding her stay in the cave, whatever those'll turn out to be. The whole accident aspect was just in there as a logical means of getting her into that cave.
I didn't even consider that the accident itself would be seen as the central point. Interesting perspective.
It was indeed! Hyperone you have demolished my writers block! I finally figured out why none of these background stories struck me as being the write one for her!
All these stories had the classic element of a hero who gains her powers through some unexpected means. That's not what I want from the character, she's not meant to be a 'with great power comes great responsibility' type, or one who does what she does out of any need for vengeance, or moral responsibility.
She's supposed to be someone who does this because she can. Someone never even thought "Hmm, how could this benefit me?" when she got her powers, she just doesn't think that way. She get her powers and immediately thinks "I could be a super hero!" just because the idea thrills her. Being able to give back to the community in a way far beyond philanthropy or charity work but instead being able to do things she never could as a normal person.
In fact, now that I'm working on it I may have it be that she SEEKS her powers, chasing the dream of being a super hero until the opportunity presents itself. Thank you SO much for helping me fit that missing piece of her personality into place.
It was indeed! Hyperone you have demolished my writers block! I finally figured out why none of these background stories struck me as being the write one for her!
All these stories had the classic element of a hero who gains her powers through some unexpected means. That's not what I want from the character, she's not meant to be a 'with great power comes great responsibility' type, or one who does what she does out of any need for vengeance, or moral responsibility.
She's supposed to be someone who does this because she can. Someone never even thought "Hmm, how could this benefit me?" when she got her powers, she just doesn't think that way. She get her powers and immediately thinks "I could be a super hero!" just because the idea thrills her. Being able to give back to the community in a way far beyond philanthropy or charity work but instead being able to do things she never could as a normal person.
In fact, now that I'm working on it I may have it be that she SEEKS her powers, chasing the dream of being a super hero until the opportunity presents itself. Thank you SO much for helping me fit that missing piece of her personality into place. [/COLOR]
In that case, that actually sorta helps the second problem in that last PM I sent you. Instead of trying to figure out why the spirit comes when it does, Thundress could just summon the thing on her own (not really sure how much that falls in line with wicca, though).
In that case, that actually sorta helps the second problem in that last PM I sent you. Instead of trying to figure out why the spirit comes when it does, Thundress could just summon the thing on her own (not really sure how much that falls in line with wicca, though).
Ah don't worry about all that now. I finally figured out what I needed to. I've gotta work on a philosophy paper but once I've got the time I'll hammer out the idea I've come up with and toss it your way to get some feedback.
Ah don't worry about all that now. I finally figured out what I needed to. I've gotta work on a philosophy paper but once I've got the time I'll hammer out the idea I've come up with and toss it your way to get some feedback.
seriously... its always nice to have a bit of a BrainTrust running around here, able to help out when people need a little inspiration
lol... 2 members and one invite, with 3 people helped so far, and the thread is just under 3 weeks old.
We might as well make a super-group, at the rate we're going. :rolleyes:
Now that I've discovered the thread I'd be happy to help others out too.
Finally working on the story.. Just deleted two pages of it because I realized it was pointless filler for something that didn't need to be that long. Hopefully I'll have it done within an hour or so.
As a bit of a heads up for anyone this concerns, starting pretty much right now I'm going to be doing more last-ditch-effort intensive studying for my SOC final tomorrow night, and on Friday I'll be leaving for home and won't actually arrive there until sometime on Saturday. My point being, after posting this I'm not going to have any chance to keep up with the forums until I'm home on Saturday.
I am about to go there myself about start my grave shift ... *lines up the energy drinks*
I told y'all I'm from the south dammit. I don't care what you boys say. There's tea, there's tea and then there's sweet tea, and yes they are different just like biscuits and dumplings!
Hmmm, thank you for the warm (?) welcome, Chiro. So how's your origin story coming along? Mind if I take a look at it when it's done? I'm curious to see what came out of all of this, even if none of my influence ends up making it in.
I told y'all I'm from the south dammit. I don't care what you boys say. There's tea, there's tea and then there's sweet tea, and yes they are different just like biscuits and dumplings!
Alas, they will never understand Chiro. It's their loss, not ours...
I told y'all I'm from the south dammit. I don't care what you boys say. There's tea, there's tea and then there's sweet tea, and yes they are different just like biscuits and dumplings!
I was making a comment about sweet as in the characteristic .. my humor is often misunderstood so I will forgive you. I know a lil about sweet tea even though I live in seattle
Good stuff Chiro. Nice to see that you were able to incorporate a lot of the stuff that you wanted to in the end.
Thanks, Amadaeus!
It took alot of rewriting but I'm really thrilled with the way it turned out. Even better than I expected, and a real reflection of the mindset behind the character. I hope to do a series of shorter fics soon. Little one shots to help give more of a time line feel, sort of the Prologue to CO.
ok well i came with this story off the **** so help bear with me and please offer some incite thanks
Name: William (no last name yet)
hero name: Samurai Will
Mother: daughter of a yakuza leader in japan
Grandfather: Mitsuhide fugiwara
Father: Some sort of African military man
(ok this is more just thoughts and notes i came up with so yeah )
mom left to America with father
father died in a street robbery trying to protect his family
it was a set up by her father for marrying a black man also for leaving japan
she went back to japan
she was made to kill herself to gain honor back
will was told his parents died ??????? (not sure how they said they died yet)
learned the was of the samurai from his grandfather
when he turned 17 he found out how they really died (by a love interest maybe)
ran away and continued his training with a old hermit
mitsuhide went to america to build his yakuza there
9 yrs later Will went to america to bring down the yakuza and kill his grandfather
this is what will will look like http://s286.photobucket.com/albums/ll86/willz916/
These are good questions I used to ask myself (forced to more accurately by my teacher) whenever I had to create or portray a character.
What are they like?
Where did they come from?
What kind of mannerisms do they possess?
In your case, I'll include these and give a little of my input:
Why did his mother move to America?
His father's an African soldier? Does that shape Will in anyway or did you need an excuse to give Will dreadlocks?
Does Will's mother really need to fly all the way to Japan to kill herself? Kidnapped, tortured, and murdered sounds so much cooler. Or how about, kidnapped, tortured and forced to kill herself at gunpoint and Will is sent to his grandfather who I'm just assuming lives in Japan and he runs away living on the streets of Tokyo until an old hermit finds him, feeds him and teaches him to fight.
Street robbery killing? Hey could work. Make sure you can tie his father's killers to his mother's family through a logical story. I'd think that if a Yakuza boss was really upset about his daughter's marriage he'd order a more elaborate execution.
How did the Yakuza boss wind up in America? Seems like a lot of back and forth travel for these people. Always give a reason. Hey, maybe he has connections in America. The same connections he used to kill Will's father. Dun, dun, duuuuuun!
Honestly, I wouldn't try so hard to help you out if the potential for this story wasn't so juicy. You've got a good setup. Just work on the background a little.
Name: William (no last name yet)
hero name: Samurai Will
Mother: daughter of a yakuza leader in japan
Grandfather: Mitsuhide fugiwara
Father: Some sort of African military man (spy for africa on importing drugs and needed hard evidence to get him)
but fell in love with his daughter but mitsuhide found out
(ok this is more just thoughts and notes i came up with so yeah )
mom left to America with father to get away from her fater was scared when she found out she was preg and was told never to
see him again so she left japan with him
father died in a street robbery set up by mitsuhide trying to protect his family mom died also she was killed first excicution style then he broke free beat up one of the robbers then the other killed him is now the second hand man of mitsuhide
will was told his parents died ??????? (not sure how they said they died yet)
he became a mute at the age of six and became a loner at the side of mitsuhide
learned the was of the samurai from his grandfather in the out skirts of osaka japan
when he turned 17 he found out how they really died (by a love interest maybe)
ran away and continued his training with a old hermit
became driven by hate and revenge
mitsuhide went to america to build on his yakuza there and to control the drug trafficing in the south (starts in ATL)
9 yrs later Will went to america to bring down the yakuza and kill his grandfather
now mitsuhide is the main drug loard in the south
wills jurney starts in city of sin las vegas streets http://s286.photobucket.com/albums/ll86/willz916/
I have to ask... what sort of help did you want?
I mean.. you seem to have a fairly thorough outline... you'd just need to, you know... write the story.
are you worried about believability? are you looking for some "hole filling"?
I have to ask... what sort of help did you want?
I mean.. you seem to have a fairly thorough outline... you'd just need to, you know... write the story.
I have to ask... what sort of help did you want?
I mean.. you seem to have a fairly thorough outline... you'd just need to, you know... write the story.
are you worried about believability? are you looking for some "hole filling"?
what, exactly... did you need help with?
well i first put it up there and i got feedback so i reposted and wanted to see if there was anything else i should add like i said it just some notes while i was on the john but next week or so im gonna start the writing of the story
Its too complicated.
it feels Serendipitus, rather than tragic. oif COURSE your character is going to become a superhero... I mean, isnt it obvious? His dad dies because of an evil conspiracy, started by a crime lord (daredevil, to a lesser extent, spiderman), his mother dies, leaving him an orphan....
Only to have him find out in his teens that hes actually the son of (badass soldier) and (Ancient Japanese badass family), and must now head off to seek revenge.
it comes off as a derivative collection of cliche.... an interesting mix of cliches... but nothing inspired.
as was mentioned before... WAY too much travel.. and way to strong an "anime" vibe (anime is ok, but "anime-ish" isnt)
Lets break down the important elements:
Will is exceptionally well trained by his grandfather, Who is the leader of a Yakuza clan in Japan (Mitsuhide may be too well known a name, even in western cultures.. maybe see if you can find an actual Yakuza boss from days past somewhere, and make that the family name. also...swordwise, where I asume you got the name? its Fujiwara, not Fugiwara)
Unbeknownst to Will, his grandfather had his father and mother killed(likely because of the lack of honor shown by his mother, in marrying against her fathers wishes, and the unworthyness of her choice in men).
Will escapes the clutches of his Evil grandfather, and goes to america (Millennium City, specifically.. unless this is something more independant)
thats all that you have that is both relavent, and makese any sort of sense.
so, lets see where that takes us.
Ok, so, theres no reason for Will to go to America to fight the Yakuza... hes in freaking japan, why leave, they're THERE?
So, he's likely headed to America to escape (after all, After training the ultimate bad mamajama, His grandad isnt likely to be too keen having his grandson as a rival in his organization, or a threat to his life)
If Will fled Japan, then he is likely being chased by Yakuza Assassins, much more compelling and, frankly "more like a hero" than him just hunting down anonymous roughians.
His constant need to lay low, has made it imperative for him to "Blend in" and lay low in Millennium City. Not too difficult for a black-looking young man to blend in, in the shell of Detroit. But even in his low-rent district, its hard for the tall mute man with the soul of a Samurai not to affect all those around him... Becoming a hero in his community, standing up to petty thugs and drug dealers, cleaning up the few square blocks he now calls home.
until the Yakuza show up in Millennium City, in force.
Now that Will has a place to call home, he isnt going to let his past come here and destroy it.
I agree with Ghost Hack's observation.
As he said, the one thing with your current version is that it's neat but it's a little to complex. It's nothing we havent' seen before, but having so much of it at once is something we don't see often. Unfortunately as innovative as that is, it still makes it very hard to follow, there's just to much history to his history.
Stan Lee once said: "A good hero is one who's origin can be told in a paragraph."
Essentially, it's okay to have a deep history, but the bare bones of it should be pretty simple and straight forward. The ideas Hack gives are pretty damn good, and it would give this character a very Samurai-esq feel, he stands for the people because he IS one of the people.
Ok I came up with a new character(s) after watching my old X-Men cartoon tapes and I was gonna post up my idea here but I think it might be the coolest thing I've ever thought of so I'm going to PM it to Ghost Hack so nobody can "steal" it even though I dont think anyone would anyways.
-mom left to America with father to get away from her fater was scared when she found out she was preg and was told never to see him again so she left japan with him
-father died in a street robbery set up by mitsuhide trying to protect his family mom died also she was killed first excicution style then he broke free beat up one of the robbers then the other killed him is now the second hand man of mitsuhide
-will was told his parents died ??????? (not sure how they said they died yet)
-he became a mute at the age of six and became a loner at the side of mitsuhide
-learned the was of the samurai from his grandfather in the out skirts of osaka japan
-when he turned 17 he found out how they really died (by a love interest maybe)
-ran away and continued his training with a old hermit
-became driven by hate and revenge
-mitsuhide went to america to build on his yakuza there and to control the drug trafficing in the south (starts in ATL)
-9 yrs later Will went to america to bring down the yakuza and kill his grandfather
-now mitsuhide is the main drug loard in the south
-wills jurney starts in city of sin las vegas streets
Alright, first off, I agree with the other two, your ideas were originally pretty complicated and hard to follow. Your second set of notes (what I have quoted) were much more on the right track. I'll try to dissect what you wrote there and modify it a bit in the interest of keeping your original ideas as intact as possible.
I think it would make more sense if Mitsuhide had Will's parents killed before they made it to America. This flows better with your idea of him meeting his hermit and so on, since there aren't exactly too many hermit samurai in the US. After becoming orphaned, Mitsuhide takes Will under his wing and teaches him how to use a katana, leading to Will's great proficiency with it. Obviously Mitsuhide would be doing this out of interest of recruiting and using him in the Yakuza.
Eventually he finds out the origins of his parents' death by a way of your choosing, maybe during a (short) career as a Yakuza member under his grandfather? After this discovery, he becomes enraged and fueled by hatred. He tries to kill his grandfather, loses a duel, and narrowly escapes. He spends some time wandering Japan and eventually comes across the Hermit. Somehow he discovers that the hermit is the descendant of, or actually was a great samurai back in the day, so he asks to be trained so he can better his skills and defeat his grandfather. The hermit, seeing how fueled by hatred and revenge Will is, nevertheless feels sympathy for Will and trains him. In the course of his training with the katana, however, the Hermit teaches Will the code of the samurai (bushido), in an effort to calm Will's incessant hatred.
After the Hermit dubs Will's training (in both body and soul) to be complete, Will returns to his grandfather's old headquarters, only to learn that it was converted into a school (funded by his grandfather in an attempt to upkeep his good image in the public eye) and his grandfather moved to Millennium City (or Vegas if you'd still prefer, though Millennium, being a massive and state-of-the-art city, would have more potential profit in Mitsuhide's eyes) for business reasons. Will, still seeking revenge, followed suit and eventually earned enough money (martial arts tournaments? odd jobs around town?) for a plane ticket to Millennium. Because he doesn't speak english, he doesn't speak much (if at all), which would be in keeping with your "mute" concept, though obviously you can still keep him as a mute if you want.
Since he obviously doesn't initially know where his grandfather is hiding, he tries to live a normal life while he comes up with a plan. In the process though, he realizes the other troubles in the city and, in line with Ghost's idea, can't just sit by and see these things happen. A combination of his newfound drive to help others (because of the Hermit's teachings of bushido) and the potential to find his grandfather through other crime networks in the city, he vows to stop every crime he can (in order to help others, but at this point he's mainly driven to find his grandfather).
So yeah, feel free to use any (or none) of these ideas in your process of coming up with a coherent backstory for Will.
Ok Im just going to post it and yall tell me yay or nay basically.
I was watching the Phoenix Saga of the old Fox Kids X Men cartoons and I got an idea from Phoenix but its radically different. Basically my character is a manifestation or maybe a living conduit of the Alpha Centauri Star System. In my story, the two brightest stars, Alpha Centauri A and B are sentient beings of raw energy, two of countless stars in the universe that were placed as guardians of their respective galaxies by some omnipotent beings. (Idk it looks confusing on paper but it makes sense in my head so you guys can come to your own conclusion about that bit lol)
Like the Phoenix of lore, Alpha A & B's physical manifestations die and come back as a new person. The stars send their conduits to whatever world they see as in dire need of their interference. Every single time they are born as twins. Sometimes they grow up together and sometimes they are separated from each other. Even if they are seperated, the twins (boy and girl) find someway to meet each other and the two serve as champion protectors of whatever world they were born on. Every rebirth, the twins are born as the dominant species of that planet so while on Earth, they are humans. An interesting fact about the twins is that they are both mentally connected to each other, which is as you probably know is a phenomenon for a lot of real life twins. However, in this case, when one of the twins is seriously injured, the other is injured as well, albeit not as bad but still enough to be a hinderance. When one dies, so does the other.
Ok so the character that Id be playing is named Allen Porter. Being reborn and sent to Earth, he landed in a huge crater on the estate of Dr. Magnus Porter, an insanely rich scientist and heir of a huge bioweapons industrial corporation. Dr. Porter and his two sons were hunting in their backwoods in upstate New York when they heard the ear-splitting explosion and found the naked baby. After getting the baby checked ou and realizing it had no parentst, they adopted him and named him Allen Darrius Porter. Allen became the newest member of the Porter family which included a father, mother, and six siblings not to mention tens of cousins, uncles, and aunts.
Half way around the world, in a remote village near Beijing in China, Allen's twin sister landed in a lake where a peasant man was fishing. The wave from the landing knocked the man out of the boat. The little girl was floating on the surface of the water and the man quickly retrieved her and swam to the shore. News of the mysterious child spread around the village like wildfire and eventually, a government representative came to see the situation. They took the child and placed her into an orphanage where she was beaten and mistreated for the first 6 years of her life. She eventually ran away from the orphanage and began her life of solitude on the streets of Beinjing. She was named Yin Lien which can be translated into Dark Lotus by people that said she was flawlessly beautiful yet as dark and evil as they come.
So basically the two were separated and reincarnated into two different worlds. One was born into a wealthy loving family while one was born into abuse, hatred and solitude. Since the Champions game has that Nemesis thing, I was thinking maybe they could become adversaries, even though they knew they were twins. I was going to name Allen Porter "Al Centari" and Yin Lien "Nova Prime" or something like that.
decient idea.. but it needs some polish...
for one...Alpha Centauri is actually a system of three stars, not two :-P
I'd highly suggest, that you think of the stars as Gods..... not so much in the normal way.. but in the Marvel way.... In that they are awsomely powerful beings whos existance dictates certain courses of actions...
creation, growth, and death are good concepts... with your heroes being the twin avatars of Alpha and Beta... Proxima could become their natural enemy...
quite literally... Alpha could create matter from pure energy (seemingly creating anything, from nothing), Beta the quintessential Guardian (either protecting those who need it, through manipulating the growth of other things (nature manipulation) or as a straight up brick, Stalwart and Immovable)
And Proxima, daughter of Fate, the destroyer, harbinger of chaos, et al...
the reason for the avatars being on earth is...flimsy, at best. You offer up an idea similar to the Lanterns... interplanitary saviors...
but your Gods have a single avatar each.... making Earth WAY too important in the grand scheme of things (considering that we're assuming the Centari have no precognative abilities.... earth is a little isolated planet with no real way to even affect the greater universe)
MUCH better to have their comming to earth being an accident.... or having the twins be EARTH's personal space guardians.....
Ya I knew that Alpha Centauri was a three star system but Proxima is way way smaller and dimmer than the other two stars so I just focused on those two. I would say A & B are like Ego the Living Planet from Marvel. Not all powerful like Galactus but still extremely powerful on a cosmic level and highly intelligent.
Although I like the Proxima being the natural enemy. I think I actually might use that.
And you must have been reading my mind cuz as I was typing that story I had in my mind Al Centari being the CoX equivalent to a NRG/NRG Blaster/Blapper and the sister to an Invul/EM Tank.
As far as them landing on Earth, I dont know how reasonable an accident story could be constructed without it sounding corny. WHen I was making it, I wasn't thinking of the Lanterns but I could definitely see how you came about that conclusion.
The Alpha Centauri Star System consist of the three stars correct? Ok so those three stars are all gods or omnipotent beings of raw energy. Alpha A & B which we will refer to as Alpha and Beta are the twin stars (even though they aren't twin stars irl) and they basically have dominion over Proxima. Alpha and Beta as well as Proxima rule their star system and dictate certain events that go on inside it. I liked your idea of creation and growth and death so Id say Alpha creates life, Beta grows and protects life and then when Alpha and Beta deem it necessary, Proxima destroys life. So basically Alpha is the King, Beta is the Queen, and Proxima is the inferior Prince/Princess or something like that. I liked this idea cuz it gives the "gods" some human-like qualities such as jealousy and pride and stuff like that.
Anyways, Proxima grows tired of being the lackey of the twin stars and since it does not have the power alone to battle the two, it decides it is going to harness the power of the nearest star (Sol System's Sun), consume the power of it's superior siblings and destroy all life only to recreate it under it's tutelage. (Kind of convoluted but I think you can maybe straighten it out for me). Proxima sends an avatar of itself to Earth and decides to enlist the help of the genius supervillians of Earth to create a machine that'd aid Proxima in its plan.
Alpha and Beta get wind of Proxima's plan and decide to intervene, sending twin avatars of themselves to Earth, endowing them with the powers of a star.
I think Im just going to send them as teenagers instead of as babies growing up. It'd be more interesting to see them as teenagers trying to learn how to be human instead of being raised as one.
Anyways thats all I could come up with at the moment but I'll think about it more later on tonight
Nice frank... I know you're gonna think Im anal......
but is Sol the closest start to Centari? I know its the closest to US... but that doesnt mean its true both ways
pick genders for your gods... it will make it a LOT easier to explain your mind..
I definately like the idea that Proxima is only allowed to do its "job" once Alpha and Beta deem it so..(;like Odin and thor telling Loki he can only cause micheif on tuesday morning beween 8 and 8:30)
evolve your evil master plan more....
Taking the power of a star.... points to something profound about your original entities....
Proxima used to be twice the size of Alpha and Beta.... but the less Twins, in eons past, joined their essence together, creating a power equal to Proxima, stealing Proxima's energy and relegating the star to a sullen red ember of its former self...
Now Proxima seeks to steal the energy of another star, to challenge its siblings for the throne... and it cares very little for any petty creature that stands in its way... even the destruction of a solarsystem is beneith its notice...
Proxima's agent, then... would be boardering on inhuman in appearance... just "normal enough" to stay under the radar, so to speak... but apathetic to the idea of truely "blending in" (as long as other humans think it is human, thats all thats important)
Now you have a much.... more "earthly" reason for A & B to send a champion to earth.... the distruction of this solar system, and the capture of its star could mean the loss of their throne.... of course they want to help out the petty little earth bipeds... they are benevolent beings, obviously...
of course, as their Avatar's live in the world, they will likely find things to love and hate about us... and may one day even protect us from ALL threats... not simply Proxima.
Idk whether Proxima should be male or female. I think I might use female cuz her jealousy and wrath sounds like what a woman would do if she was scorned or slighted in any way.
I also like your idea about Proxima having her powers stolen by Alpha and Beta and wanting to reclaim her throne.
The Alpha Centauri Star System consist of the three stars correct? Ok so those three stars are all gods or omnipotent beings of raw energy. Alpha A & B which we will refer to as Alpha and Beta are the twin stars (even though they aren't twin stars irl) and they basically have dominion over Proxima. Alpha and Beta as well as Proxima rule their star system and dictate certain events that go on inside it. I liked your idea of creation and growth and death so Id say Alpha creates life, Beta grows and protects life and then when Alpha and Beta deem it necessary, Proxima destroys life. So basically Alpha is the King, Beta is the Queen, and Proxima is the inferior Prince/Princess or something like that. I liked this idea cuz it gives the "gods" some human-like qualities such as jealousy and pride and stuff like that.
Anyways, Proxima grows tired of being the lackey of the twin stars and since it does not have the power alone to battle the two, it decides it is going to harness the power of the nearest star (Sol System's Sun), consume the power of it's superior siblings and destroy all life only to recreate it under it's tutelage. (Kind of convoluted but I think you can maybe straighten it out for me). Proxima sends an avatar of itself to Earth and decides to enlist the help of the genius supervillians of Earth to create a machine that'd aid Proxima in its plan.
Alpha and Beta get wind of Proxima's plan and decide to intervene, sending twin avatars of themselves to Earth, endowing them with the powers of a star.
I think Im just going to send them as teenagers instead of as babies growing up. It'd be more interesting to see them as teenagers trying to learn how to be human instead of being raised as one.
Anyways thats all I could come up with at the moment but I'll think about it more later on tonight
You got some good elements in here, but what you lack is some tragedy. Even light tragedy will do. How about this:
Proxima, tired of being ignored of her greatness, leaves her solar system in search of a star powerful enough to crush Alpha and Beta. (Idk much about stars or solar systems but when in doubt make one up) Proxima finds that power source, returns to Alpha and Beta and seeks their destruction. Proxima is defeated, but at a terrible toll to the planet as well as Alpha and Beta. Before the final moments of life on the planet are extinguished in a firey explosion, Alpha and Beta send avatars of themselves to earth with their remaining power. The avatars have no memory of their previous life, but they start to notice they are not like everyone else. They help people, blah, blah, blah and Proxima follows them to earth and battles the two underestimating them, yadah, yadah, yadah, and the big climatic battle happens when Proxima uses the suns energy.
only problem with that, some.... is one you've pointed out yourself with "yadda yadda yadda"....
we've heard all that before... whats the point in putting some sort of "tragedy" into the story... if it comes off as trite, cliche, or fluff?
leave tragedy to the events that the chacter's themselves experence and suffer... remember, Wolfe, the Centari are just the backstory to the characters... dont let them take centerstage...
I think the ideas a grand one now that it's been so fleshed out, Frank.
And I agree with your thought that Proxima should be a female. The name sounds it to begin with, and it really ads a sort've mythic "Evil queen" element to the whole thing.
There is an age old tradition in mythologies of triple gods, often ones that balance each other out. You could have it that Proxima (as stated) is the power hungry darker member of the three, And then have A and B represent the good and the neutral elements of it. One of them would be a much more "This looks like a job for Superman!" heroic type, where as the other could be more of a "I was just in the area" sort of vigilante.
I agree with Ghost Hack regarding the aspect of tragedy. You don't need it from the start. Tragedy isn't a necessity in origins, but it can be very powerful when it comes later on in the story!
To go on the Evil Queen kind of thing, maybe Proxima could be the mother star of the twins Alpha A and B. Once a red giant of infinite power, she gave birth to twin stars kind like randomly in a "Big Bang" kind of deal or maybe just so she wouldnt be lonely. She gave part of her power to her twins Alpha and Beta and gave them a part of the solar system to rule over. Eons pass and Proxima "ages" growing weaker so she decides to devour planets to satiate her hunger, kind of like Galactus. Alpha and Beta are the more benevolent deities so they decide to rebel against their mother to stop her from destroying the trillions of sentient beings that are being annihilated by their mother's unquenchable thirst. Realizing their mother is in a weakened state, they take energy from all the worlds and combine themselves to attack their mother. After a brutal battle that destroys many worlds, they defeat their mother and leave her as a red dwarf, not successfully killing her but claiming dominion over her kingdom.
Proxima is delegated to be the "trash can" of the system, getting fed scraps of worlds that Alpha and Beta deem necessary for destruction. Proxima is not only scorned but absolutely furious that her children have betrayed her. She decides to send an agent endowed with what little power she has left to find the closest and largest energy mass to consume and bring her back to her once regal and all powerful state. The agent searches and finds the Sol System and reports to Proxima while completely staying out of the radar of her children. Agent goes to Earth to obtain the technology able to harness the power of the Sun and use it as a weapon to destroy her children. Alpha and Beta become aware of the plan and realize its too late to effectively stop Proxima so they decide to create avatars of themselves and send to Earth to not only thwart their plan to destroy the Sol System but to protect themselves as well. The avatars have no idea who they are as to secure their anonymity and to stay out of suspicion by the local people.
That adds a little bit of tragedy to the story I think.
only problem with that, some.... is one you've pointed out yourself with "yadda yadda yadda"....
we've heard all that before... whats the point in putting some sort of "tragedy" into the story... if it comes off as trite, cliche, or fluff?
leave tragedy to the events that the chacter's themselves experence and suffer... remember, Wolfe, the Centari are just the backstory to the characters... dont let them take centerstage...
The "yaddas" were more of a fill in the blank type of thing. I'm not one on one with this story on a personal level. It's up to the author to flesh it out. And who says tragedy is cliche? I still get watery eyes watching some of the later works of Shakespeare and I've held back lots of tears for Green Mile and John Q. Tragedy can put people on the same level with you. If you have a larger than life person whose untouchable, above pain, above misery, it doesn't leave much open for inner conflict or relatibility. Add some turbulence to the ride and it kicks them off that high horse and sends them crashing down to earth. It makes people go, "Oh how sad. I wonder what will happen next." If everything was happy-go-lucky it'd be repetitive and stale. Which do you think is more interesting? The perfect family or a dysfunctional one? Same goes for constant tragedy. It'll get stale if all the main character does is mope.
But more off to the point of my original post. I just felt there isn't really much of a reason for Alpha and Beta to send avatars of themselves to earth without the death of the original incarnations. Why not just go to earth themselves and deal with Proxima? But hey, not my story. I'm just here to put in my input. Nothing more, nothing less. Whether you love it or hate it equally matters to me, but ultimately my comments were for the story. The teller of the tale could incorporate it or not, it doesn't matter. It's just my opinon of what I think he/she should do. It's like if I said, "Your story needs more sex".
And on a side note, I believe the "yaddas" were written when I was writting the "path of the hero" thing when the avatars are on earth. Not the "tragedy" angle which I did write out. You almost had me Ghost. My toes must be magnetic cuz no one can ever catch me off 'em.
Well how would they go to Earth themselves, they are stars. Not only would they effectively destroy the entire Alpa Centauri System but they would destroy the Sol System as well. Thats why they send avatars. They are too powerful to deal with situations directly, they only mediate from afar.
Oh sorry 'bout that. I didn't realize they'd be so uber powerful they'd destroy the universe. LOL. Good explanation. My bad. I like the draft you did after my comment. I got the pictures in my head and everything running smoother.
EDIT: As long as you don't have the avatars say something lame like "Star Power!" you're good. Then again, that does sound good in small douses.
Comments
I didn't even consider that the accident itself would be seen as the central point. Interesting perspective.
It was indeed!
Hyperone you have demolished my writers block! I finally figured out why none of these background stories struck me as being the write one for her!
All these stories had the classic element of a hero who gains her powers through some unexpected means. That's not what I want from the character, she's not meant to be a 'with great power comes great responsibility' type, or one who does what she does out of any need for vengeance, or moral responsibility.
She's supposed to be someone who does this because she can. Someone never even thought "Hmm, how could this benefit me?" when she got her powers, she just doesn't think that way. She get her powers and immediately thinks "I could be a super hero!" just because the idea thrills her. Being able to give back to the community in a way far beyond philanthropy or charity work but instead being able to do things she never could as a normal person.
In fact, now that I'm working on it I may have it be that she SEEKS her powers, chasing the dream of being a super hero until the opportunity presents itself. Thank you SO much for helping me fit that missing piece of her personality into place.
In that case, that actually sorta helps the second problem in that last PM I sent you. Instead of trying to figure out why the spirit comes when it does, Thundress could just summon the thing on her own (not really sure how much that falls in line with wicca, though).
Ah don't worry about all that now. I finally figured out what I needed to. I've gotta work on a philosophy paper but once I've got the time I'll hammer out the idea I've come up with and toss it your way to get some feedback.
seriously... its always nice to have a bit of a BrainTrust running around here, able to help out when people need a little inspiration
lol... 2 members and one invite, with 3 people helped so far, and the thread is just under 3 weeks old.
We might as well make a super-group, at the rate we're going. :rolleyes:
Finally working on the story.. Just deleted two pages of it because I realized it was pointless filler for something that didn't need to be that long. Hopefully I'll have it done within an hour or so.
As a bit of a heads up for anyone this concerns, starting pretty much right now I'm going to be doing more last-ditch-effort intensive studying for my SOC final tomorrow night, and on Friday I'll be leaving for home and won't actually arrive there until sometime on Saturday. My point being, after posting this I'm not going to have any chance to keep up with the forums until I'm home on Saturday.
So until then, happy writing.
Yeah well where's more to the stories you've been writing then!? I wanna know more about those characters!
Get out, we don't need you anymore! You left us! You ditched us! Well we moved on, we survived without you! Your reign of tyranny has ended!
... I'm sorry, I'm a bit over the top.
Hey it's midnight and I just drank about half a pitcher of sweet tea, what do you want from me?! :eek:
sweet ? what too obvious ?
I am about to go there myself about start my grave shift ... *lines up the energy drinks*
I told y'all I'm from the south dammit. I don't care what you boys say. There's tea, there's tea and then there's sweet tea, and yes they are different just like biscuits and dumplings!
Alas, they will never understand Chiro. It's their loss, not ours...
Damn straight!
And Amadaeus, I've posted the story just now here on the forums.
Here's the LINK!
I was making a comment about sweet as in the characteristic .. my humor is often misunderstood so I will forgive you. I know a lil about sweet tea even though I live in seattle
Thanks, Amadaeus!
It took alot of rewriting but I'm really thrilled with the way it turned out. Even better than I expected, and a real reflection of the mindset behind the character. I hope to do a series of shorter fics soon. Little one shots to help give more of a time line feel, sort of the Prologue to CO.
Name: William (no last name yet)
hero name: Samurai Will
Mother: daughter of a yakuza leader in japan
Grandfather: Mitsuhide fugiwara
Father: Some sort of African military man
(ok this is more just thoughts and notes i came up with so yeah )
mom left to America with father
father died in a street robbery trying to protect his family
it was a set up by her father for marrying a black man also for leaving japan
she went back to japan
she was made to kill herself to gain honor back
will was told his parents died ??????? (not sure how they said they died yet)
learned the was of the samurai from his grandfather
when he turned 17 he found out how they really died (by a love interest maybe)
ran away and continued his training with a old hermit
mitsuhide went to america to build his yakuza there
9 yrs later Will went to america to bring down the yakuza and kill his grandfather
this is what will will look like
http://s286.photobucket.com/albums/ll86/willz916/
These are good questions I used to ask myself (forced to more accurately by my teacher) whenever I had to create or portray a character.
What are they like?
Where did they come from?
What kind of mannerisms do they possess?
In your case, I'll include these and give a little of my input:
Why did his mother move to America?
His father's an African soldier? Does that shape Will in anyway or did you need an excuse to give Will dreadlocks?
Does Will's mother really need to fly all the way to Japan to kill herself? Kidnapped, tortured, and murdered sounds so much cooler. Or how about, kidnapped, tortured and forced to kill herself at gunpoint and Will is sent to his grandfather who I'm just assuming lives in Japan and he runs away living on the streets of Tokyo until an old hermit finds him, feeds him and teaches him to fight.
Street robbery killing? Hey could work. Make sure you can tie his father's killers to his mother's family through a logical story. I'd think that if a Yakuza boss was really upset about his daughter's marriage he'd order a more elaborate execution.
How did the Yakuza boss wind up in America? Seems like a lot of back and forth travel for these people. Always give a reason. Hey, maybe he has connections in America. The same connections he used to kill Will's father. Dun, dun, duuuuuun!
Honestly, I wouldn't try so hard to help you out if the potential for this story wasn't so juicy. You've got a good setup. Just work on the background a little.
Name: William (no last name yet)
hero name: Samurai Will
Mother: daughter of a yakuza leader in japan
Grandfather: Mitsuhide fugiwara
Father: Some sort of African military man (spy for africa on importing drugs and needed hard evidence to get him)
but fell in love with his daughter but mitsuhide found out
(ok this is more just thoughts and notes i came up with so yeah )
mom left to America with father to get away from her fater was scared when she found out she was preg and was told never to
see him again so she left japan with him
father died in a street robbery set up by mitsuhide trying to protect his family mom died also she was killed first excicution style then he broke free beat up one of the robbers then the other killed him is now the second hand man of mitsuhide
will was told his parents died ??????? (not sure how they said they died yet)
he became a mute at the age of six and became a loner at the side of mitsuhide
learned the was of the samurai from his grandfather in the out skirts of osaka japan
when he turned 17 he found out how they really died (by a love interest maybe)
ran away and continued his training with a old hermit
became driven by hate and revenge
mitsuhide went to america to build on his yakuza there and to control the drug trafficing in the south (starts in ATL)
9 yrs later Will went to america to bring down the yakuza and kill his grandfather
now mitsuhide is the main drug loard in the south
wills jurney starts in city of sin las vegas streets
http://s286.photobucket.com/albums/ll86/willz916/
I mean.. you seem to have a fairly thorough outline... you'd just need to, you know... write the story.
are you worried about believability? are you looking for some "hole filling"?
what, exactly... did you need help with?
thats the hard part for many of us isnt it ?
well i first put it up there and i got feedback so i reposted and wanted to see if there was anything else i should add like i said it just some notes while i was on the john but next week or so im gonna start the writing of the story
Its too complicated.
it feels Serendipitus, rather than tragic. oif COURSE your character is going to become a superhero... I mean, isnt it obvious? His dad dies because of an evil conspiracy, started by a crime lord (daredevil, to a lesser extent, spiderman), his mother dies, leaving him an orphan....
Only to have him find out in his teens that hes actually the son of (badass soldier) and (Ancient Japanese badass family), and must now head off to seek revenge.
it comes off as a derivative collection of cliche.... an interesting mix of cliches... but nothing inspired.
as was mentioned before... WAY too much travel.. and way to strong an "anime" vibe (anime is ok, but "anime-ish" isnt)
Lets break down the important elements:
thats all that you have that is both relavent, and makese any sort of sense.
so, lets see where that takes us.
Ok, so, theres no reason for Will to go to America to fight the Yakuza... hes in freaking japan, why leave, they're THERE?
So, he's likely headed to America to escape (after all, After training the ultimate bad mamajama, His grandad isnt likely to be too keen having his grandson as a rival in his organization, or a threat to his life)
If Will fled Japan, then he is likely being chased by Yakuza Assassins, much more compelling and, frankly "more like a hero" than him just hunting down anonymous roughians.
His constant need to lay low, has made it imperative for him to "Blend in" and lay low in Millennium City. Not too difficult for a black-looking young man to blend in, in the shell of Detroit. But even in his low-rent district, its hard for the tall mute man with the soul of a Samurai not to affect all those around him... Becoming a hero in his community, standing up to petty thugs and drug dealers, cleaning up the few square blocks he now calls home.
until the Yakuza show up in Millennium City, in force.
Now that Will has a place to call home, he isnt going to let his past come here and destroy it.
As he said, the one thing with your current version is that it's neat but it's a little to complex. It's nothing we havent' seen before, but having so much of it at once is something we don't see often. Unfortunately as innovative as that is, it still makes it very hard to follow, there's just to much history to his history.
Stan Lee once said: "A good hero is one who's origin can be told in a paragraph."
Essentially, it's okay to have a deep history, but the bare bones of it should be pretty simple and straight forward. The ideas Hack gives are pretty damn good, and it would give this character a very Samurai-esq feel, he stands for the people because he IS one of the people.
Alright, first off, I agree with the other two, your ideas were originally pretty complicated and hard to follow. Your second set of notes (what I have quoted) were much more on the right track. I'll try to dissect what you wrote there and modify it a bit in the interest of keeping your original ideas as intact as possible.
I think it would make more sense if Mitsuhide had Will's parents killed before they made it to America. This flows better with your idea of him meeting his hermit and so on, since there aren't exactly too many hermit samurai in the US. After becoming orphaned, Mitsuhide takes Will under his wing and teaches him how to use a katana, leading to Will's great proficiency with it. Obviously Mitsuhide would be doing this out of interest of recruiting and using him in the Yakuza.
Eventually he finds out the origins of his parents' death by a way of your choosing, maybe during a (short) career as a Yakuza member under his grandfather? After this discovery, he becomes enraged and fueled by hatred. He tries to kill his grandfather, loses a duel, and narrowly escapes. He spends some time wandering Japan and eventually comes across the Hermit. Somehow he discovers that the hermit is the descendant of, or actually was a great samurai back in the day, so he asks to be trained so he can better his skills and defeat his grandfather. The hermit, seeing how fueled by hatred and revenge Will is, nevertheless feels sympathy for Will and trains him. In the course of his training with the katana, however, the Hermit teaches Will the code of the samurai (bushido), in an effort to calm Will's incessant hatred.
After the Hermit dubs Will's training (in both body and soul) to be complete, Will returns to his grandfather's old headquarters, only to learn that it was converted into a school (funded by his grandfather in an attempt to upkeep his good image in the public eye) and his grandfather moved to Millennium City (or Vegas if you'd still prefer, though Millennium, being a massive and state-of-the-art city, would have more potential profit in Mitsuhide's eyes) for business reasons. Will, still seeking revenge, followed suit and eventually earned enough money (martial arts tournaments? odd jobs around town?) for a plane ticket to Millennium. Because he doesn't speak english, he doesn't speak much (if at all), which would be in keeping with your "mute" concept, though obviously you can still keep him as a mute if you want.
Since he obviously doesn't initially know where his grandfather is hiding, he tries to live a normal life while he comes up with a plan. In the process though, he realizes the other troubles in the city and, in line with Ghost's idea, can't just sit by and see these things happen. A combination of his newfound drive to help others (because of the Hermit's teachings of bushido) and the potential to find his grandfather through other crime networks in the city, he vows to stop every crime he can (in order to help others, but at this point he's mainly driven to find his grandfather).
So yeah, feel free to use any (or none) of these ideas in your process of coming up with a coherent backstory for Will.
I was watching the Phoenix Saga of the old Fox Kids X Men cartoons and I got an idea from Phoenix but its radically different. Basically my character is a manifestation or maybe a living conduit of the Alpha Centauri Star System. In my story, the two brightest stars, Alpha Centauri A and B are sentient beings of raw energy, two of countless stars in the universe that were placed as guardians of their respective galaxies by some omnipotent beings. (Idk it looks confusing on paper but it makes sense in my head so you guys can come to your own conclusion about that bit lol)
Like the Phoenix of lore, Alpha A & B's physical manifestations die and come back as a new person. The stars send their conduits to whatever world they see as in dire need of their interference. Every single time they are born as twins. Sometimes they grow up together and sometimes they are separated from each other. Even if they are seperated, the twins (boy and girl) find someway to meet each other and the two serve as champion protectors of whatever world they were born on. Every rebirth, the twins are born as the dominant species of that planet so while on Earth, they are humans. An interesting fact about the twins is that they are both mentally connected to each other, which is as you probably know is a phenomenon for a lot of real life twins. However, in this case, when one of the twins is seriously injured, the other is injured as well, albeit not as bad but still enough to be a hinderance. When one dies, so does the other.
Ok so the character that Id be playing is named Allen Porter. Being reborn and sent to Earth, he landed in a huge crater on the estate of Dr. Magnus Porter, an insanely rich scientist and heir of a huge bioweapons industrial corporation. Dr. Porter and his two sons were hunting in their backwoods in upstate New York when they heard the ear-splitting explosion and found the naked baby. After getting the baby checked ou and realizing it had no parentst, they adopted him and named him Allen Darrius Porter. Allen became the newest member of the Porter family which included a father, mother, and six siblings not to mention tens of cousins, uncles, and aunts.
Half way around the world, in a remote village near Beijing in China, Allen's twin sister landed in a lake where a peasant man was fishing. The wave from the landing knocked the man out of the boat. The little girl was floating on the surface of the water and the man quickly retrieved her and swam to the shore. News of the mysterious child spread around the village like wildfire and eventually, a government representative came to see the situation. They took the child and placed her into an orphanage where she was beaten and mistreated for the first 6 years of her life. She eventually ran away from the orphanage and began her life of solitude on the streets of Beinjing. She was named Yin Lien which can be translated into Dark Lotus by people that said she was flawlessly beautiful yet as dark and evil as they come.
So basically the two were separated and reincarnated into two different worlds. One was born into a wealthy loving family while one was born into abuse, hatred and solitude. Since the Champions game has that Nemesis thing, I was thinking maybe they could become adversaries, even though they knew they were twins. I was going to name Allen Porter "Al Centari" and Yin Lien "Nova Prime" or something like that.
Long read but anyways let me know what you think
for one...Alpha Centauri is actually a system of three stars, not two :-P
I'd highly suggest, that you think of the stars as Gods..... not so much in the normal way.. but in the Marvel way.... In that they are awsomely powerful beings whos existance dictates certain courses of actions...
creation, growth, and death are good concepts... with your heroes being the twin avatars of Alpha and Beta... Proxima could become their natural enemy...
quite literally... Alpha could create matter from pure energy (seemingly creating anything, from nothing), Beta the quintessential Guardian (either protecting those who need it, through manipulating the growth of other things (nature manipulation) or as a straight up brick, Stalwart and Immovable)
And Proxima, daughter of Fate, the destroyer, harbinger of chaos, et al...
the reason for the avatars being on earth is...flimsy, at best. You offer up an idea similar to the Lanterns... interplanitary saviors...
but your Gods have a single avatar each.... making Earth WAY too important in the grand scheme of things (considering that we're assuming the Centari have no precognative abilities.... earth is a little isolated planet with no real way to even affect the greater universe)
MUCH better to have their comming to earth being an accident.... or having the twins be EARTH's personal space guardians.....
and go with Al Centari and Betty Centari
cause... come on, Al and Betty rock.
Although I like the Proxima being the natural enemy. I think I actually might use that.
And you must have been reading my mind cuz as I was typing that story I had in my mind Al Centari being the CoX equivalent to a NRG/NRG Blaster/Blapper and the sister to an Invul/EM Tank.
As far as them landing on Earth, I dont know how reasonable an accident story could be constructed without it sounding corny. WHen I was making it, I wasn't thinking of the Lanterns but I could definitely see how you came about that conclusion.
or did you put it on the backburner?
The Alpha Centauri Star System consist of the three stars correct? Ok so those three stars are all gods or omnipotent beings of raw energy. Alpha A & B which we will refer to as Alpha and Beta are the twin stars (even though they aren't twin stars irl) and they basically have dominion over Proxima. Alpha and Beta as well as Proxima rule their star system and dictate certain events that go on inside it. I liked your idea of creation and growth and death so Id say Alpha creates life, Beta grows and protects life and then when Alpha and Beta deem it necessary, Proxima destroys life. So basically Alpha is the King, Beta is the Queen, and Proxima is the inferior Prince/Princess or something like that. I liked this idea cuz it gives the "gods" some human-like qualities such as jealousy and pride and stuff like that.
Anyways, Proxima grows tired of being the lackey of the twin stars and since it does not have the power alone to battle the two, it decides it is going to harness the power of the nearest star (Sol System's Sun), consume the power of it's superior siblings and destroy all life only to recreate it under it's tutelage. (Kind of convoluted but I think you can maybe straighten it out for me). Proxima sends an avatar of itself to Earth and decides to enlist the help of the genius supervillians of Earth to create a machine that'd aid Proxima in its plan.
Alpha and Beta get wind of Proxima's plan and decide to intervene, sending twin avatars of themselves to Earth, endowing them with the powers of a star.
I think Im just going to send them as teenagers instead of as babies growing up. It'd be more interesting to see them as teenagers trying to learn how to be human instead of being raised as one.
Anyways thats all I could come up with at the moment but I'll think about it more later on tonight
but is Sol the closest start to Centari? I know its the closest to US... but that doesnt mean its true both ways
pick genders for your gods... it will make it a LOT easier to explain your mind..
I definately like the idea that Proxima is only allowed to do its "job" once Alpha and Beta deem it so..(;like Odin and thor telling Loki he can only cause micheif on tuesday morning beween 8 and 8:30)
evolve your evil master plan more....
Taking the power of a star.... points to something profound about your original entities....
Proxima used to be twice the size of Alpha and Beta.... but the less Twins, in eons past, joined their essence together, creating a power equal to Proxima, stealing Proxima's energy and relegating the star to a sullen red ember of its former self...
Now Proxima seeks to steal the energy of another star, to challenge its siblings for the throne... and it cares very little for any petty creature that stands in its way... even the destruction of a solarsystem is beneith its notice...
Proxima's agent, then... would be boardering on inhuman in appearance... just "normal enough" to stay under the radar, so to speak... but apathetic to the idea of truely "blending in" (as long as other humans think it is human, thats all thats important)
Now you have a much.... more "earthly" reason for A & B to send a champion to earth.... the distruction of this solar system, and the capture of its star could mean the loss of their throne.... of course they want to help out the petty little earth bipeds... they are benevolent beings, obviously...
of course, as their Avatar's live in the world, they will likely find things to love and hate about us... and may one day even protect us from ALL threats... not simply Proxima.
I also like your idea about Proxima having her powers stolen by Alpha and Beta and wanting to reclaim her throne.
You got some good elements in here, but what you lack is some tragedy. Even light tragedy will do. How about this:
Proxima, tired of being ignored of her greatness, leaves her solar system in search of a star powerful enough to crush Alpha and Beta. (Idk much about stars or solar systems but when in doubt make one up) Proxima finds that power source, returns to Alpha and Beta and seeks their destruction. Proxima is defeated, but at a terrible toll to the planet as well as Alpha and Beta. Before the final moments of life on the planet are extinguished in a firey explosion, Alpha and Beta send avatars of themselves to earth with their remaining power. The avatars have no memory of their previous life, but they start to notice they are not like everyone else. They help people, blah, blah, blah and Proxima follows them to earth and battles the two underestimating them, yadah, yadah, yadah, and the big climatic battle happens when Proxima uses the suns energy.
we've heard all that before... whats the point in putting some sort of "tragedy" into the story... if it comes off as trite, cliche, or fluff?
leave tragedy to the events that the chacter's themselves experence and suffer... remember, Wolfe, the Centari are just the backstory to the characters... dont let them take centerstage...
And I agree with your thought that Proxima should be a female. The name sounds it to begin with, and it really ads a sort've mythic "Evil queen" element to the whole thing.
There is an age old tradition in mythologies of triple gods, often ones that balance each other out. You could have it that Proxima (as stated) is the power hungry darker member of the three, And then have A and B represent the good and the neutral elements of it. One of them would be a much more "This looks like a job for Superman!" heroic type, where as the other could be more of a "I was just in the area" sort of vigilante.
I agree with Ghost Hack regarding the aspect of tragedy. You don't need it from the start. Tragedy isn't a necessity in origins, but it can be very powerful when it comes later on in the story!
Proxima is delegated to be the "trash can" of the system, getting fed scraps of worlds that Alpha and Beta deem necessary for destruction. Proxima is not only scorned but absolutely furious that her children have betrayed her. She decides to send an agent endowed with what little power she has left to find the closest and largest energy mass to consume and bring her back to her once regal and all powerful state. The agent searches and finds the Sol System and reports to Proxima while completely staying out of the radar of her children. Agent goes to Earth to obtain the technology able to harness the power of the Sun and use it as a weapon to destroy her children. Alpha and Beta become aware of the plan and realize its too late to effectively stop Proxima so they decide to create avatars of themselves and send to Earth to not only thwart their plan to destroy the Sol System but to protect themselves as well. The avatars have no idea who they are as to secure their anonymity and to stay out of suspicion by the local people.
That adds a little bit of tragedy to the story I think.
The "yaddas" were more of a fill in the blank type of thing. I'm not one on one with this story on a personal level. It's up to the author to flesh it out. And who says tragedy is cliche? I still get watery eyes watching some of the later works of Shakespeare and I've held back lots of tears for Green Mile and John Q. Tragedy can put people on the same level with you. If you have a larger than life person whose untouchable, above pain, above misery, it doesn't leave much open for inner conflict or relatibility. Add some turbulence to the ride and it kicks them off that high horse and sends them crashing down to earth. It makes people go, "Oh how sad. I wonder what will happen next." If everything was happy-go-lucky it'd be repetitive and stale. Which do you think is more interesting? The perfect family or a dysfunctional one? Same goes for constant tragedy. It'll get stale if all the main character does is mope.
But more off to the point of my original post. I just felt there isn't really much of a reason for Alpha and Beta to send avatars of themselves to earth without the death of the original incarnations. Why not just go to earth themselves and deal with Proxima? But hey, not my story. I'm just here to put in my input. Nothing more, nothing less. Whether you love it or hate it equally matters to me, but ultimately my comments were for the story. The teller of the tale could incorporate it or not, it doesn't matter. It's just my opinon of what I think he/she should do. It's like if I said, "Your story needs more sex".
And on a side note, I believe the "yaddas" were written when I was writting the "path of the hero" thing when the avatars are on earth. Not the "tragedy" angle which I did write out. You almost had me Ghost.
EDIT: As long as you don't have the avatars say something lame like "Star Power!" you're good. Then again, that does sound good in small douses.