Nice entry :cool: I don't think it would be possible to do much character development under such circumstances, but it didn't feel 'flat', and carried the tone of resignation and determination nicely Something I would like to see in terms of Wraith's development, is less references to him as 'the boy', as he is an adult. Also, even if his mind was initially a void due to his gestation, Trek has shown several instances of where a person can be re-educated, not just to social functionality, but to qualified officer status, in a short time, and it would be nice to see him operating on a more equal footing with the rest of the crew, maybe even a designated duty, rather than simply being a useful 'pet' who manages to save the day by virtue of being strong and undetectable by the enemy... Oh, and Krotius needs to reappear to kick his TRIBBLE again at some point... That was probably the best entry ever :cool:
I didn't get time to write for #49, but the premise was intriguing so I've used it for my redux. Captain Erred and Nicci's [thread=843591]pilot episode[/thread] is not intended as required reading, but is a prequel for anyone intrigued by my Traveler.
@jaelk: Complex tale! You have an ominous start. At least we might hope the Traveler is on our side. A nice sense of galactic scale.
Now to 17 other stories to read in my lunch break.
@wraithshadow - stop being so hard on yourself! (that's our job.) Seriously, though, very nice work. After all of your prior entries where the crew of the Geist seemed to take Wraith for granted, showing him in the early days as a strange and unsettling thing that had been dropped into their midst is rather enlightening. I also loved the "documentary" reference.
@milandare - I'm really enjoying what you're doing with Nicci, and Erred, and everyone who crosses their path. (especially a "Drake.") Also, the "age" question was hilarious.
Milandare: you made me laugh. The whole story moves with the goofy speed of a silent movie-and you made me laugh. "Drake Franklin" lol
"Take that, cruel world!" BZZZT! - also hilarious.
...
For those of you who have been following "The Dark Horses" - the story patrickngo and I have been working lately, Act Four has been posted and the Fifth and Final Act will be ready to post in a few hours. Your feedback in that thread is very much appreciated!
...Oh, baby, you know, I've really got to leave you / Oh, I can hear it callin 'me / I said don't you hear it callin' me the way it used to do?...
- Anne Bredon
Nice entry :cool: I don't think it would be possible to do much character development under such circumstances, but it didn't feel 'flat', and carried the tone of resignation and determination nicely Something I would like to see in terms of Wraith's development, is less references to him as 'the boy', as he is an adult. Also, even if his mind was initially a void due to his gestation, Trek has shown several instances of where a person can be re-educated, not just to social functionality, but to qualified officer status, in a short time, and it would be nice to see him operating on a more equal footing with the rest of the crew, maybe even a designated duty, rather than simply being a useful 'pet' who manages to save the day by virtue of being strong and undetectable by the enemy... Oh, and Krotius needs to reappear to kick his TRIBBLE again at some point... That was probably the best entry ever :cool:
Well that's why my complaint about most of my writing is really a lack of character development. The boy, comes more from Donovan, being the older fatherly figure. It's just how he refers to him since Wraith is still so inexperienced. It's part of the reason why he and his son didn't get along as well as they could have. I've been wanting to show more Wraith development, as he's my favorite character but it's difficult given that he's already so heavy in the action scenes. Even though he's my main character, i don't want it to feel like the Wraith show, which is why i try to leave him out when possible. Sadly with the power he has, as a means to keep it from being too much, or an "i win" button i try to leave him vulnerable where ever possible.
As much horror as he can commit, he's very much like a child in that he only does it on impulse which is how he still maintains that child like innocence out side of being a Genetically engineered murder machine. Also, due to the heavy augments on his system, he isn't as smart as every one else on the ship. Most of his brain is being used to regulate and maintain a lot of work that really has no place being in one body, so while he's not deficient in any way, he'll always be more of the Modern times character in the future world, in regards to no matter how much they can teach him, he will never manage to be as intelligent as the rest of society is.
He can assist Chief Fine anywhere on the ship, but he'll never be able to be an engineer as it were. Much like myself, there is a lot of potential, but it's just difficult for me to express myself to the full extent. I can do action and dialog well enough, but it's the more detailed undertones and characteristics that i need to learn to portray better. I will however take what you said into heavy consideration though, because you're right and i do use "the boy" too much as a designation. As for Krotious, he will definitely be coming back to have a rematch with the more aggressive Wraith as part of his story gets expanded, but i just have to wait for the right challenge to put down the story as i have planned.
Well that's why my complaint about most of my writing is really a lack of character development. The boy, comes more from Donovan, being the older fatherly figure. It's just how he refers to him since Wraith is still so inexperienced. It's part of the reason why he and his son didn't get along as well as they could have. I've been wanting to show more Wraith development, as he's my favorite character but it's difficult given that he's already so heavy in the action scenes. Even though he's my main character, i don't want it to feel like the Wraith show, which is why i try to leave him out when possible. Sadly with the power he has, as a means to keep it from being too much, or an "i win" button i try to leave him vulnerable where ever possible.
As much horror as he can commit, he's very much like a child in that he only does it on impulse which is how he still maintains that child like innocence out side of being a Genetically engineered murder machine. Also, due to the heavy augments on his system, he isn't as smart as every one else on the ship. Most of his brain is being used to regulate and maintain a lot of work that really has no place being in one body, so while he's not deficient in any way, he'll always be more of the Modern times character in the future world, in regards to no matter how much they can teach him, he will never manage to be as intelligent as the rest of society is.
He can assist Chief Fine anywhere on the ship, but he'll never be able to be an engineer as it were. Much like myself, there is a lot of potential, but it's just difficult for me to express myself to the full extent. I can do action and dialog well enough, but it's the more detailed undertones and characteristics that i need to learn to portray better. I will however take what you said into heavy consideration though, because you're right and i do use "the boy" too much as a designation. As for Krotious, he will definitely be coming back to have a rematch with the more aggressive Wraith as part of his story gets expanded, but i just have to wait for the right challenge to put down the story as i have planned.
I don't think your writing lacks development, Krotious is a testament to achieving fine characterisation in a short period, rather than over an extended entry, so no need to be hard on yourself there Ahh, that makes more sense as to why Wraith couldn't be 'additionally educated', and more sense as to why he does not have a designted role. On the flip side of that coin, S'rR's is also, to use your phrase, a genetically engineered murder machine, but has the intellect to match her physical attributes. Equally, I decided to remove that 'I win' button by stripping her of her near-immortality, which I hope will be of benefit in later LC's. I'm now really looking forward to the return of Krotious :cool:
I seem to just tend to really like your S'r'Rs stories.
Glad you enjoyed it :cool: I felt there needed to be some kind of official fallout from LC # 48, and when I realised that gave me the opportunity to also fill in some of T'Reya's backstory, I went with what came through
I decided to tie up some loose ends from LC #48, so wrote this piece. I hope people will enjoy it.
For ease of reference/visualization, here're the actors I would cast if I was filming this tomorrow...
S'rR's Kane - Amy Smart
Amanda Palmer - Courteney Cox
Ben Kincaid - Colin Farrell
T'Reya - Emily Ratajkowski
Excellent story. I loved the way T'Reya handled S'rR's.
...Oh, baby, you know, I've really got to leave you / Oh, I can hear it callin 'me / I said don't you hear it callin' me the way it used to do?...
- Anne Bredon
Heya! Finally managed to get together some reviews. Note all of this is intended as constructive, please don't take any of this as anything other than suggestions based on my own opinions. Don't doubt I enjoyed reading these alot!!
@jaelk: Interesting tale. It seemed like it was difficult at times to tell who was talking, though, particularly in the conference room. Also, some run-on sentences would have worked better as seperate sentences ("Chisom didn't see the appeal, the creature seemed to be a little taller than he was, grey skinned but otherwise humanoid in appearance, certainly nothing to draw such attention." to "Chisom didn't see the appeal. The creature seemed to be a little taller than he was, grey-skinned but otherwise humanoid in appreance. Certainly nothing to draw such attention."). Otherwise, a good read.
@dariuslorelei: As I said with @jaelk's entry, there seems to be some sentences that would work better broken by punctuations ("Vice Admiral Balthos: Two what's the ships Status?" to "Vice Admital Balthos: Two! What's the ship's status?"), or outright need to be broken into seperate sentences. A good rule of thumb is to say the lines yourself, and see both if it feels natural and if you can actually say what you have put down in a sentence in a single breath. Another good idea is to break sections that happen in different times by several blank spaces to set apart sections of story.
I'd also wonder how the Romulans would be using Morse code, since that's a Terran convention. Seems like one person with a working communicator would do better. Lastly, when you use a script-format dialogue as you did, injecting personal thoughts that could never be recorded by any instrument is counter-intuitive. The format is more geared towards a transcript than comprehensive account of what was actually happening and each person's experiences, so you may want to try a standard format if you are going to submit this kind of information.
Good job setting up the situation, and following it through!
@rextorvan36: You may want to consider capitalizing the names of sections, to set apart the fact you are talking about a group of people rather than the tools they use to do their job (i.e. Engineering as opposed to engineering). I'm also not sure why the subject of the Admiral's Table night discussion came up at the beginning of the story. It didn't seem to have anything to do with the story.
I found B'valla's use of 'you guys' out of character for a Klingon, but I assume she might have picked up alot of Human slang somehow (she must be considered very sloppy by the rest of the KDF, or contaminated by alien culture).
It seems a bit off that the ships would be looking for a bio-weapon only in New York City, considering how many exist on the planet. Did they have any particular reason to be interested in looking at that particular city, and -know- that such a thing was not supposed to be there? Even then, detecting it would be nearly impossible for the kind of sensors in Star Trek unless you knew exactly what and where to look (with a population like New York, a bioweapon would be obscurred by the abundant life all around).
The part where the Starfleet officer and Klingon general are entering the basement of the convention center seemed to be missing information. Were they just walking right behind the woman (and she didn't notice with them being the only ones in a part of the building she was nervous about), or were they trying to be sneaky and the sixth man stepped out from somewhere they hadn't noticed? Seems some missing details here.
Otherwise, a good job!
@masopw: Wow! You nailed the personalities and habits of Montgomery Scott, Spock, Riker, and Deanna on target! That was some great writing there! I loved the way you kept everyone with the perspective of their respective outlooks! About the only thing I could recommend to make it a little better a read would be to break up the long text with spaces to make it easier to read. Well done!
@azniadeet: Interesting background on Quallo's homeworld. I liked the plotline, though the idea of the Folded Space Transporter going through shields seems to be a bit off, since if it could do that, everyone would be using it for non-organic things like torpedoes. Especially if it is undetected. Otherwise, a nice job!
@jonnaroslyn: Um....Admirals don't generally tell other Admirals on an open public channel that they think the other is 'bound to mess up'. At that level of leadership (at least in Starfleet), you have to excersize alot more professionalism if you want to keep your fleet from bringing you up on charges. You might say that in private (though that would be a severe mark of a lack of confidence that would make the reader wonder why the officer in question was -still- in command at all), but not in front of the entire Command Staff of a ship. More likely, the Admiral would simply state "Request Denied. Other ships will handle this.", and get the message across just as plainly.
Other than that, nicely done!
@aten66: During the flashback section, it begins with a conflict between first-person and third-person. Jars the frame-of-reference of the reader when it reads "So I took up a comb and he parted his hair.", to give an example.
One question that comes up is, if the Emperor knew how dangerous Gregs was, why he didn't just kill him outright. That was never really made clear, as was how his 'return' caused a rebellion when it seemed it was the Emperor's agents that captured him (how did word get out, and things happen so quickly?). Otherwise, a good read.
@jonsills: Hehe....Grunt gets a promotion and new ship, eh? I wonder what he'll do with a Celestial class cruiser? And, of course, now he has to deal with an android officer -and- an AI? Fun! Nice job!
@marcusdkane: Love the attention to detail in this one! Excellent work on Vulcan, and a great survival story. The only points I can think might be worth going over again would be the Vulcan bully asking if Marcus was afraid (my impression is that even Vulcan children find discussion of emotional content something to be avoided), Tuvok being identified without cause (how did the reader suddenly know it was Tuvok and not just some other dark-skinned Vulcan), and the 'wall of text' on the second paragraph of Paul Kane's introduction to the story (probably a break in there that didn't make it through the posting on the webpage).
Great character definitions, and loved the way you kept the Vulcan characters...well, Vulcan Excellent work!
Love the attention to detail in this one! Excellent work on Vulcan, and a great survival story. The only points I can think might be worth going over again would be the Vulcan bully asking if Marcus was afraid (my impression is that even Vulcan children find discussion of emotional content something to be avoided),
Thanks :cool: I was influenced by the Vulcan bullies who tried to get an emotional response from Spock, but in this case, Vonik was not only trying to break Marcus' discipline and make him act like a Human, but playing on his fear and pride from when he beat him before (as in dished out a serious beating, not merely bested him)
), Tuvok being identified without cause (how did the reader suddenly know it was Tuvok and not just some other dark-skinned Vulcan),
I tend to introduce most characters by name, unless I'm trying to build suspense, having seen Eric Lustbader do so in his novel The Ninja, which I thought brought a real familiarity to them, that even thought the reader didn't know who was being refered to, the implication is that they should In this instance, I just really wanted to somehow write Tuvok in
and the 'wall of text' on the second paragraph of Paul Kane's introduction to the story (probably a break in there that didn't make it through the posting on the webpage).
Great character definitions, and loved the way you kept the Vulcan characters...well, Vulcan Excellent work!
I'll definitely look at that section again and see what tweaks I can make ^_^ I'm really glad you enjoyed the characterisation though, thanks for your feedback ^_^
More reviews! As I noted before, please forgive me if I come across as being too critical. My intent is to help, not punch the author in the face
@drajora: Very well done! I loved how you gave the Romulan perspective outside both the Tal'Shiar and Republic. The Fleet always was the third part of the Romulan government, and it's always good to see a piece that highlights this oft-overlooked part of Romulan society.
@grylak: It tends to be the norm to put a person's words within the actions they performed to make it clear who is saying what. In your entry, it can get unclear who is saying what without this. It's okay to have a chain of unidentified quotes as long as it's between two characters who have already been identified and no action but an exchange is going on, but as soon as one or the other does something, it's good to attach it to the person's words in some way to note who is speaking and who is doing what.
Also, the perspective shifts from what seems like a deserted and wrecked ship, to one in trouble, to a seemingly-alien perspective of the ship as a living creature, then back to a ship in trouble. While this can be effective, it does make the reader question who is experiencing what, and if there are different times/observers in each instance.
As others have said, very good writing on the crash! Loved how this was done! Overall, a great read!
@raventomoe: Welcome to the LCs! You put alot of work into this one, and it's an ambitious idea, but I feel obligated to give an honest review here. Please remember I don't intend this to be a knock-down, but rather a way to suggest possibile points to consider that might improve your writing. Take what advice you want, and discard what you don't agree with. It's -your- story!
While interesting to read, there is too much text to get through all of this comfortably. Too much is happening with alot of 'wall of text' moments. Granted this was over a period of a year, but it's the kind of report that begs to be broken into sections and summarized. It's a bit too much like we are reading a ruthlessly-combined episodic synopsis of an entire Sci Fi series than a single report, and it skips over explaining 'special abilities' as though these were common occurances (sorry, but if people in Starfleet encountered a race able to do the kind of things seen in this report, it would be staggering and more than a little cause to consider -how- these things were done scientifically).
Also, the rate of progress of the Bureau is hard to take seriously from a Star Trek perspective. It took the Federation over 200 years to develop starships able to travel at Warp 9.5, and that was with full understanding of the technologies involved and -alot- of failures. It's just not that simple to build a Warp engine system that can do all you need to do for that to work safely. For a culture that had absolutely no concept of the Warp Drive and a paranoia about Science to be able to make practical applied Warp Drives to this level -with- possible Slipstream applications on top in -six months- goes way beyond belief.
That said, alot of dedictation in writing this up, and it certainly has a creative take on merging Trek settings with those of other series!
Hope this helps! Look forwards to more!
@patrickngo: Nice job! I liked how you named the main character 'Okuda' . Very good story about a subject that doesn't come up alot in Star Trek, but tends to get put into a slotted position when it does. Here, though, is the case of drug addiction as the result of a failed experiment and the issue of if the cure is worse than the crime. I assume this was for the 'Freestyle' LC, since it wasn't listed which it was.
@wraithshadow13: Nice log entry! I loved the quirk you gave the EMT...if people are faulty, the artificial people they make are going to have some really interesting faults . Nice touch having the ship divert to give the crew a break before making back to friendly space...not many ship commanders would do that if the situation was still in doubt, but it makes it clear the ship is hampered, but no longer in danger.
@ milandare: Hahah!! Loved this one! Excellent job finding a way to turn the whole premise of the LC on it's head!! Had me laughing as much as shaking my head. Great work!
@knightraider6: Always interesting to visit the other side of the mirror! And, as others have said, fun to see a Firefly cameo (and, as importantly, not to make it blatent!). Nice job!
@danqueller - fantastic entry. The ending could have been phrased better but the rest of it was a really excellent read.
Thanks! I think I'm going to avoid burning the midnight oil when I do these, as it seems I don't write as well as I should with my eyes half-open and my brain asking why I don't just have the warp core spontaneously breach.
Heya! Finally managed to get together some reviews. Note all of this is intended as constructive, please don't take any of this as anything other than suggestions based on my own opinions. Don't doubt I enjoyed reading these alot!!
@aten66: During the flashback section, it begins with a conflict between first-person and third-person. Jars the frame-of-reference of the reader when it reads "So I took up a comb and he parted his hair.", to give an example.
One question that comes up is, if the Emperor knew how dangerous Gregs was, why he didn't just kill him outright. That was never really made clear, as was how his 'return' caused a rebellion when it seemed it was the Emperor's agents that captured him (how did word get out, and things happen so quickly?). Otherwise, a good read.
I'll have to clear that up for sure!
As to answer why the Emperor didn't kill him?
He was his brother who sacrificed himself to save his planet, a noble gesture. Plus he hasn't seen him for 200+ years, so sentimentality.
As to why a rebellion was forming, not all of the 'friends' of the Empire are free, He's more of a Dictator washed with blood, then an Emperor who saved his people. Ergo, when a long lost hero pops in form another timeline/universe, word spreads fast, inciting rebellion to those unsatisfied, the DQ powers as well as in the empire itself.
Plus it's just a story.
Actually, if I didn't say this in the story cause I forget, he's my Klingon counterpart to Gregs' Federation side. He's eternally spitefull at Gregs for leaving both homeworlds to essentially die at the hands of a Planet Killer. So, given the choice of forgiving Gregs or not, he chose to become his mortal enemy in this timeline, by joining the Klingons, a balance of sorts that I wanna string along in other stories given the chance.
Finally done with mine Sorry it's a little late (I'm a professional procrastinator, what can I say :rolleyes:) Mine is a redux of LC 45 (Freestyle), so let me know what you all think.
Short easter egg:
The squadron of fighters (The Vampires) that is sent down from the Bremen is a reference to the VERY old space combat sim "Starlancer" where the top aces of the faction you are a member of are known as the Vampires, flying off of the carrier Bremen.
Vice Admiral Bryan Mitchel Valot
Commanding officer: Odyssey class U.S.S. Athena
Admiral of the 1st Assault Fleet
Join date: Some time in Closed Beta
... @jaelk: Interesting tale. It seemed like it was difficult at times to tell who was talking, though, particularly in the conference room. Also, some run-on sentences would have worked better as separate sentences ("Chisom didn't see the appeal, the creature seemed to be a little taller than he was, grey skinned but otherwise humanoid in appearance, certainly nothing to draw such attention." to "Chisom didn't see the appeal. The creature seemed to be a little taller than he was, grey-skinned but otherwise humanoid in appearance. Certainly nothing to draw such attention."). Otherwise, a good read.
...
Sorry for the delay in getting back to you, was on leave and out of contact. Generally I have been criticized for stilted dialogue so being picked for being too fluid is a change.
I'll rework that scene if I get a sec, otherwise I'll pay more attention next time. One thing to mention is that there are two characters that can (and do) tend to finish each others sentences, and one more that is almost as bad. So you will see that blending from time to time.
Let me know if "generally" you all find this to be an interesting story and I'll post more on it. I have a bit of material elsewhere.
Just got a co-authored entry between ambassadormollari and I posted.
It's a long one!
Caveat lector: (Reader beware...) The following story covers what for some may be sensitive philosophical and spiritual ground for some. While both characters illuminate their pasts and their perspectives, the point of the story is not to advocate for the rightness or wrongness of either character's basic beliefs. This story is about the effects of prejudice, stereotypes, and what should be the proper conduct of a Starfleet officer.
Readers who may be uncomfortable with a discussion of these topics, however, may wish to find other reading material more to their liking.
In accordance with the above-stated purpose, the story's title is "One Uniform."
Enjoy--and please, of course, be civil and refrain from debate about real-world beliefs in the comments.
Christian Gaming Community Fleets--Faith, Fun, and Fellowship! See the website and PM for more. :-) Proudly F2P.Signature image by gulberat. Avatar image by balsavor.deviantart.com.
Finally done with mine :-D Sorry it's a little late (I'm a professional procrastinator, what can I say Mine is a redux of LC 45 (Freestyle), so let me know what you all think. :-D
That was a really nice punchy entry ^_^ There's a 'but' coming... A couple of bits didn't quite feel necessary, such as Ibalei's entry into the command center, or the officer questioning Bryan's choice of landing sites. The idea of a commanding officer leaving the ship to lead an assault team was pushing regulations for sure, but to then have the first officer leave as well, leaving the ship in the middle of a battle with only the second officer in charge... As a story, hey, it was fun and worked fine, I just think in a real world scenario, questions would be asked, as Bryan would be at risk of being viewed as a loose-cannon showboater (especially after the Borg incident which claimed Zizania's last host) However... Once they were planet side, yeah, totally felt right for Bryan to be mixing it up and having a specialty to contribute, so that was awesome ^_^ Next major beef... To cut between Bryan leaving the shuttle evac, to him by Ibalei's bedside, when the awesomeness of a ground battle had been shown... That just wasn't fair And I think to have shown the scene where Kerry was killed, rather than it simply being reported, would have carried more emotional resonance, in terms of both the plot itself (thus negating that 'jump cut feeling') and connection to the character. Sure, I understood why Bryan cared that she'd been killed, she'd served with him a long time. But that didn't make me as a reader care that she'd been killed. Had I read about her guiding a group of school children over the bridge, before taking the brunt of the torpedoe strike, that would have connected (and filled in the 'missing scene') Final beef... The restructuring of the command officers was not professional: Ibalei feeling like she wanted to be a tactical officer, doesn't necessarily qualify her to be one (despite Zizania's experience), let alone the Senior tactical officer on the ship... If she had said that she wanted to change career tracks, maybe discussed going to West Point to gain her MACO rating, that would have flowed nicely (but it was nice to see that her Joining had shifted her personality) And selecting an officer as a department head because they have been receiving some tutoring... Ooh, that's a nice bit of favouritism and nepotism right there, I'm sure there would be some science officer who was actually qualified to step up, but now chafing at being overlooked, because they're not in the First Officer's Cool Club That's a lot of beef, I know, but please don't think I didn't enjoy the entry -- I did, and I really enjoyed seeing a ground battle rather than a space battle, that wasn't what I was expecting to read, perhaps that's why I would have liked to have seen more of it between the evac and bedside scenes, I just felt that those things could have made it even stronger
@jaelk: Complex tale! You have an ominous start. At least we might hope the Traveler is on our side. A nice sense of galactic scale.
....
The scene is a variation on the prologue that I wrote for the story. All the original elements are in there but with the addition of the crew and the Traveler as the reference character. Originally the scene was set in an expensive restaurant in the same complex as the Federation president in Paris. The Q were in attendance and there was a bit of dialogue that communicated the sense of threat represented by the antagonist, in addition to the same cues to her motivation and background.
In this scene I replaced the location with a familiar character (the Traveler) as the POV character and used him to convey the same points. So he probably won't show up again in the story.
Let me know if you want to read more on this story as I'm happy to post in future challenges if there is interest.
@raventomoe: Welcome to the LCs! You put alot of work into this one, and it's an ambitious idea, but I feel obligated to give an honest review here. Please remember I don't intend this to be a knock-down, but rather a way to suggest possibile points to consider that might improve your writing. Take what advice you want, and discard what you don't agree with. It's -your- story!
While interesting to read, there is too much text to get through all of this comfortably. Too much is happening with alot of 'wall of text' moments. Granted this was over a period of a year, but it's the kind of report that begs to be broken into sections and summarized. It's a bit too much like we are reading a ruthlessly-combined episodic synopsis of an entire Sci Fi series than a single report, and it skips over explaining 'special abilities' as though these were common occurances (sorry, but if people in Starfleet encountered a race able to do the kind of things seen in this report, it would be staggering and more than a little cause to consider -how- these things were done scientifically).
Also, the rate of progress of the Bureau is hard to take seriously from a Star Trek perspective. It took the Federation over 200 years to develop starships able to travel at Warp 9.5, and that was with full understanding of the technologies involved and -alot- of failures. It's just not that simple to build a Warp engine system that can do all you need to do for that to work safely. For a culture that had absolutely no concept of the Warp Drive and a paranoia about Science to be able to make practical applied Warp Drives to this level -with- possible Slipstream applications on top in -six months- goes way beyond belief.
That said, alot of dedictation in writing this up, and it certainly has a creative take on merging Trek settings with those of other series!
Hope this helps! Look forwards to more!
-
Thank you and it is always good to get feedback I feel. ^_^
Anyways, now to explain a few things you pointed out.
The reason for the report was that is how it comes across. The majority of the chapters will start off with Log Entry's with bits and pieces as the Captain starts in on that particular bit. Yes, the Starfleet crew are perplexed by the powers, abilities, and technology in use by this society. I liken the powers and abilities in use by the majority of the civilization to similar stunts done by The Q, Iconians, Elachi, and other species (closer to the Q Continuum though). The Combat Cyborgs are just taking known Physics of Star Trek and using them in new ways (like Sein's IS: Deep Diver makes her Interphasic on a certain level that allows her to phase and swim through normal matter for example yet still visible and interacts with her environment). The Cradle itself is a mix of both Magic and Physics that is insane.
However, attempts will be made to explain this power on a scientific level. Just need to remember that where Earth in the Star Trek Universe when full on Science (Mass-Driven Technology in Midchildan)...Midchilda embraced Magic-driven Technology and applis the same rigor to Magic that Starfleet applies to Science.
As to why they were able to so quickly make the needed leaps to Warp capability. They already technically had it. They never bothered to use it as it was considered forbidden by virtue of being a Science-based application as well as the bypassing Interstellar Transit Capability for the Inter-dimensional one they've been in possession of since about 400 years ago (which they themselves inherited from another older society and so on). The local Mad Scientist worked out though how to do a similar effect using a modified Trans-Dimensional Engine that made it a Magic-powered Warp Drive. It was actually not that much work as when not moving the ship through Dimensional Space (Subspace/Interspace Layer) these engines function as Gravity-based Impulse Drives.
Granted, the Trans-Dimensional Engines are far faster then even Slipstream Drives and share some hallmarks with Temporal Drives but rather then Time...they move through Universes. Similar in ways to the Elachi's ability to move in and out of Subspace found on their ships and probes. They can also park in an 'orbit' of other Dimensions. But the long charge and synchronizing times make them unwieldy for fast deployment in case of an emergency within a single universe. Hence why they would like the idea of a Magic-based Warp Drive. (To illustrate how advanced they are in the Inter-Dimensional Arena...Exhibit A should probably spell it out.)
@grylak: It tends to be the norm to put a person's words within the actions they performed to make it clear who is saying what. In your entry, it can get unclear who is saying what without this. It's okay to have a chain of unidentified quotes as long as it's between two characters who have already been identified and no action but an exchange is going on, but as soon as one or the other does something, it's good to attach it to the person's words in some way to note who is speaking and who is doing what.
Also, the perspective shifts from what seems like a deserted and wrecked ship, to one in trouble, to a seemingly-alien perspective of the ship as a living creature, then back to a ship in trouble. While this can be effective, it does make the reader question who is experiencing what, and if there are different times/observers in each instance.
As others have said, very good writing on the crash! Loved how this was done! Overall, a great read!
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The intro with Grimworm and Karry (I'm guessing you meant this part for the deserted ship part) was put in to introduce those two for the story, since they haven't really done much over this three parter. With it only being set in the Captain's Quarters and the corridor directly outside, that small area could be empty and feel like a deserted ship. I was feeling very poetic when I wrote the warp core breach, and afterwards, was debating putting it in or writing a version that kept the ship as a non living thing. I decided to keep it as is as the ship often takes on a character of its own in these kind of shows, and with this being the swansong of the Sentinel, figured it deserved to be treated as one when her heart was ripped out. It was a gamble of artistic choice, and one I personally feel worked given how Emony treats the ship in her drug induced state at the end. But I can understand where you are coming from about it.
I've noticed a couple of times now people are saying they don't always know who is talking. That is certainly something I need to work on in future without simply saying he said she said he said she said etc. Thanks for the feedback.
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A Romulan Strike Team, Missing Farmers and an ancient base on a Klingon Border world. But what connects them? Find out in my First Foundary mission: 'The Jeroan Farmer Escapade'
As to why they were able to so quickly make the needed leaps to Warp capability. They already technically had it. They never bothered to use it as it was considered forbidden by virtue of being a Science-based application as well as the bypassing Interstellar Transit Capability for the Inter-dimensional one they've been in possession of since about 400 years ago (which they themselves inherited from another older society and so on). The local Mad Scientist worked out though how to do a similar effect using a modified Trans-Dimensional Engine that made it a Magic-powered Warp Drive. It was actually not that much work as when not moving the ship through Dimensional Space (Subspace/Interspace Layer) these engines function as Gravity-based Impulse Drives.
Well, I understand what you are saying, but that would more likely only produce basic warp engines. Engines capable of the kind of warping needed for the best anyone who has actually built them from the ground up and refined them over many lifetimes would take -a lot- more time, research (magic, like science, requires research, experimentation, and time to develop properly) and a huge amount of refining (probably multiple lifetimes as well), discounting the fact that its alien technology that has to be translated (and, if you want to know some of the difficulties in that, imagine that you now have the Chief Engineer of the Federation starship being told he has to teach the Master Wizard of the Bureau everything about the latest transwarp drive engines, including the ways to build the materials needed to make them and starting from scratch on how a warp field is made, while the ship is also going to be involved in fulltime combat operations and him having to do everything he normally does in running his Department on the ship. All within six months). Just because you are changing the tools you use does not mean the job you have to do isn't just as complicated.
If you'd like an interesting read on this kind of situation, I recommend reading the 'Odyssey' series by Evan Currie. In that series, Earth sends out their first FTL cruiser and encounters extraterrestrial cultures that have very different technology from themselves (and the differences leave each completely unable to believe what the other can do). The Earth even develops the warp drive at one point (in Book 3). However, there is a problem with that warp drive that stems from not having the complete background you need to be able to use it.
Anyway, I don't mean this to be a put-down. I know trying to integrate magic-based anime and science-based Trek is a tough task, but I thought it was worth mentioning what I thought seemed out of place.
Just got a co-authored entry between ambassadormollari and I posted.
It's a long one!
Caveat lector: (Reader beware...) The following story covers what for some may be sensitive philosophical and spiritual ground for some. While both characters illuminate their pasts and their perspectives, the point of the story is not to advocate for the rightness or wrongness of either character's basic beliefs. This story is about the effects of prejudice, stereotypes, and what should be the proper conduct of a Starfleet officer.
Readers who may be uncomfortable with a discussion of these topics, however, may wish to find other reading material more to their liking.
In accordance with the above-stated purpose, the story's title is "One Uniform."
Enjoy--and please, of course, be civil and refrain from debate about real-world beliefs in the comments.
A fantastic entry, I feel both author's contributions blended perfectly, and made for a thoroughly engrossing read :cool: I had no issue with the nature of the subject matter, but, I did find Alyosha's attitude -- disagreeable. I couldn't quite put my finger on it while reading, but when finished, I would have to say that he is actually bigoted against bigots, and he essentially bullied Arkos into revising his own opinions... The fact that Alyosha is a Christian, was irrelevant to Arkos' beef with Gerstein, and I feel that he was within his right to make a complaint about someone putting personal practice, ahead of ship's duties. The fact that Arkos' opinion about religious practice is negative, is irrelevant to the principle under discussion of self-determination. If he doesn't like the religious, he does not have to, and so long as his interpersonal relations with them were professional and not abusive, then personally, I don't feel a commanding officer has the right to use their rank and position, to impose their own moral code on another being (in the same way as I disagreed with Captain Picard's stance in Insurrection, and how the crew went along with it 'because he's the captain...') and I felt that Alyosha crossed that line by using his religious beliefs as a trap when asking Arkos to evaluate him and his department. Gerstein's practices impacted on ship duties, Alyosha's did not, so it was an unfair comparison, IMHO. That is not intended as a critique of the entry, per se, as I thoroughly enjoyed it, I just felt Alyosha's handling of the situation bordered on the sanctimonious. He was undoubtably doing the right thing by addressing instances of intollerance by an officer, I just felt he did so in an unfair and ironically intolerant manner himself... Excellent writing though, kudos to you both :cool:
So now that the Dark Horses have had their run, Georgia and Rusty have had this story they've been trying to get out an wouldn't let me sleep until it was done. luckily this week my work schedule's gotten all flexible. Nap time now, then reviews.
@knightraider - a very fun look behind the mirror. Loved the nemesis relationship between Missy and Liz, and especially Shepherd Book's cameo.
@ironphoenix - critique first: epic space battles should feel - well, epic, and yours really didn't. What you had there was rushed and overly reliant on cliches (ships exploding left and right) and didn't give this reader a chance to sit back and enjoy any of the action or to appreciate the unique capabilities of your "hero." Your combat scenes really cooked though. You have definite talent in that area. And your description of the aftermath of space battle is also excellent.
@gulberat & ambassadormolari - beautiful entry. I didn't see this as so much of a conflict of organized religion vs. the scientific community, but rather a collision of two intolerant viewpoints which both claim to embrace tolerance. The fact is that anyone who claims to be universally tolerant is either a liar or someone who is ignorant of his own viewpoint. Certain worldviews are simply mutually exclusive. You can't promote human rights if you subscribe to Malthusianism. Even if you simply claim to respect all the opinions of others, that only holds up until someone who comes along with an opinion which offends your sensibilities. Tolerant people lack conviction, and anyone who professes any belief in anything will be intolerant of those who attack their belief.
...Oh, baby, you know, I've really got to leave you / Oh, I can hear it callin 'me / I said don't you hear it callin' me the way it used to do?...
- Anne Bredon
Comments
@jaelk: Complex tale! You have an ominous start. At least we might hope the Traveler is on our side. A nice sense of galactic scale.
Now to 17 other stories to read in my lunch break.
@drajora - nice entry. Not quite in keeping with the established timeline but I did enjoy the machinations of your Romulans.
@grylak - a terrific story about your crew holding on by their fingernails. I really loved your personification of the ship during the core breach.
@danqueller - fantastic entry. The ending could have been phrased better but the rest of it was a really excellent read.
@raventomoe - fascinating premise/prologue for a series you have there. I look forward to seeing more.
@patrickngo - lovin' it.
@wraithshadow - stop being so hard on yourself! (that's our job.) Seriously, though, very nice work. After all of your prior entries where the crew of the Geist seemed to take Wraith for granted, showing him in the early days as a strange and unsettling thing that had been dropped into their midst is rather enlightening. I also loved the "documentary" reference.
@milandare - I'm really enjoying what you're doing with Nicci, and Erred, and everyone who crosses their path. (especially a "Drake.") Also, the "age" question was hilarious. "Take that, cruel world!" BZZZT! - also hilarious.
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For those of you who have been following "The Dark Horses" - the story patrickngo and I have been working lately, Act Four has been posted and the Fifth and Final Act will be ready to post in a few hours. Your feedback in that thread is very much appreciated!
...Oh, baby, you know, I've really got to leave you / Oh, I can hear it callin 'me / I said don't you hear it callin' me the way it used to do?...
- Anne Bredon
Well that's why my complaint about most of my writing is really a lack of character development. The boy, comes more from Donovan, being the older fatherly figure. It's just how he refers to him since Wraith is still so inexperienced. It's part of the reason why he and his son didn't get along as well as they could have. I've been wanting to show more Wraith development, as he's my favorite character but it's difficult given that he's already so heavy in the action scenes. Even though he's my main character, i don't want it to feel like the Wraith show, which is why i try to leave him out when possible. Sadly with the power he has, as a means to keep it from being too much, or an "i win" button i try to leave him vulnerable where ever possible.
As much horror as he can commit, he's very much like a child in that he only does it on impulse which is how he still maintains that child like innocence out side of being a Genetically engineered murder machine. Also, due to the heavy augments on his system, he isn't as smart as every one else on the ship. Most of his brain is being used to regulate and maintain a lot of work that really has no place being in one body, so while he's not deficient in any way, he'll always be more of the Modern times character in the future world, in regards to no matter how much they can teach him, he will never manage to be as intelligent as the rest of society is.
He can assist Chief Fine anywhere on the ship, but he'll never be able to be an engineer as it were. Much like myself, there is a lot of potential, but it's just difficult for me to express myself to the full extent. I can do action and dialog well enough, but it's the more detailed undertones and characteristics that i need to learn to portray better. I will however take what you said into heavy consideration though, because you're right and i do use "the boy" too much as a designation. As for Krotious, he will definitely be coming back to have a rematch with the more aggressive Wraith as part of his story gets expanded, but i just have to wait for the right challenge to put down the story as i have planned.
For ease of reference/visualization, here're the actors I would cast if I was filming this tomorrow...
S'rR's Kane - Amy Smart
Amanda Palmer - Courteney Cox
Ben Kincaid - Colin Farrell
T'Reya - Emily Ratajkowski
Glad you enjoyed it :cool: I felt there needed to be some kind of official fallout from LC # 48, and when I realised that gave me the opportunity to also fill in some of T'Reya's backstory, I went with what came through
Excellent story. I loved the way T'Reya handled S'rR's.
...Oh, baby, you know, I've really got to leave you / Oh, I can hear it callin 'me / I said don't you hear it callin' me the way it used to do?...
- Anne Bredon
@jaelk: Interesting tale. It seemed like it was difficult at times to tell who was talking, though, particularly in the conference room. Also, some run-on sentences would have worked better as seperate sentences ("Chisom didn't see the appeal, the creature seemed to be a little taller than he was, grey skinned but otherwise humanoid in appearance, certainly nothing to draw such attention." to "Chisom didn't see the appeal. The creature seemed to be a little taller than he was, grey-skinned but otherwise humanoid in appreance. Certainly nothing to draw such attention."). Otherwise, a good read.
@dariuslorelei: As I said with @jaelk's entry, there seems to be some sentences that would work better broken by punctuations ("Vice Admiral Balthos: Two what's the ships Status?" to "Vice Admital Balthos: Two! What's the ship's status?"), or outright need to be broken into seperate sentences. A good rule of thumb is to say the lines yourself, and see both if it feels natural and if you can actually say what you have put down in a sentence in a single breath. Another good idea is to break sections that happen in different times by several blank spaces to set apart sections of story.
I'd also wonder how the Romulans would be using Morse code, since that's a Terran convention. Seems like one person with a working communicator would do better. Lastly, when you use a script-format dialogue as you did, injecting personal thoughts that could never be recorded by any instrument is counter-intuitive. The format is more geared towards a transcript than comprehensive account of what was actually happening and each person's experiences, so you may want to try a standard format if you are going to submit this kind of information.
Good job setting up the situation, and following it through!
@rextorvan36: You may want to consider capitalizing the names of sections, to set apart the fact you are talking about a group of people rather than the tools they use to do their job (i.e. Engineering as opposed to engineering). I'm also not sure why the subject of the Admiral's Table night discussion came up at the beginning of the story. It didn't seem to have anything to do with the story.
I found B'valla's use of 'you guys' out of character for a Klingon, but I assume she might have picked up alot of Human slang somehow (she must be considered very sloppy by the rest of the KDF, or contaminated by alien culture).
It seems a bit off that the ships would be looking for a bio-weapon only in New York City, considering how many exist on the planet. Did they have any particular reason to be interested in looking at that particular city, and -know- that such a thing was not supposed to be there? Even then, detecting it would be nearly impossible for the kind of sensors in Star Trek unless you knew exactly what and where to look (with a population like New York, a bioweapon would be obscurred by the abundant life all around).
The part where the Starfleet officer and Klingon general are entering the basement of the convention center seemed to be missing information. Were they just walking right behind the woman (and she didn't notice with them being the only ones in a part of the building she was nervous about), or were they trying to be sneaky and the sixth man stepped out from somewhere they hadn't noticed? Seems some missing details here.
Otherwise, a good job!
@masopw: Wow! You nailed the personalities and habits of Montgomery Scott, Spock, Riker, and Deanna on target! That was some great writing there! I loved the way you kept everyone with the perspective of their respective outlooks! About the only thing I could recommend to make it a little better a read would be to break up the long text with spaces to make it easier to read. Well done!
@azniadeet: Interesting background on Quallo's homeworld. I liked the plotline, though the idea of the Folded Space Transporter going through shields seems to be a bit off, since if it could do that, everyone would be using it for non-organic things like torpedoes. Especially if it is undetected. Otherwise, a nice job!
@jonnaroslyn: Um....Admirals don't generally tell other Admirals on an open public channel that they think the other is 'bound to mess up'. At that level of leadership (at least in Starfleet), you have to excersize alot more professionalism if you want to keep your fleet from bringing you up on charges. You might say that in private (though that would be a severe mark of a lack of confidence that would make the reader wonder why the officer in question was -still- in command at all), but not in front of the entire Command Staff of a ship. More likely, the Admiral would simply state "Request Denied. Other ships will handle this.", and get the message across just as plainly.
Other than that, nicely done!
@aten66: During the flashback section, it begins with a conflict between first-person and third-person. Jars the frame-of-reference of the reader when it reads "So I took up a comb and he parted his hair.", to give an example.
One question that comes up is, if the Emperor knew how dangerous Gregs was, why he didn't just kill him outright. That was never really made clear, as was how his 'return' caused a rebellion when it seemed it was the Emperor's agents that captured him (how did word get out, and things happen so quickly?). Otherwise, a good read.
@jonsills: Hehe....Grunt gets a promotion and new ship, eh? I wonder what he'll do with a Celestial class cruiser? And, of course, now he has to deal with an android officer -and- an AI? Fun! Nice job!
@marcusdkane: Love the attention to detail in this one! Excellent work on Vulcan, and a great survival story. The only points I can think might be worth going over again would be the Vulcan bully asking if Marcus was afraid (my impression is that even Vulcan children find discussion of emotional content something to be avoided), Tuvok being identified without cause (how did the reader suddenly know it was Tuvok and not just some other dark-skinned Vulcan), and the 'wall of text' on the second paragraph of Paul Kane's introduction to the story (probably a break in there that didn't make it through the posting on the webpage).
Great character definitions, and loved the way you kept the Vulcan characters...well, Vulcan
Hope to get more reviews in tomorrow!
"he's as dangerous as a ferret with a chainsaw."
Thanks :cool: Did you mean how she put her in her place, or how she revealed her past with as much tact as possible?
I really enjoyed the last two entries, and felt rather sorry for the greenies, but this was the line that made me laugh out loud:
"I allowed myself to be murdered in my sleep,"
Thanks :cool: I was influenced by the Vulcan bullies who tried to get an emotional response from Spock, but in this case, Vonik was not only trying to break Marcus' discipline and make him act like a Human, but playing on his fear and pride from when he beat him before (as in dished out a serious beating, not merely bested him)
I tend to introduce most characters by name, unless I'm trying to build suspense, having seen Eric Lustbader do so in his novel The Ninja, which I thought brought a real familiarity to them, that even thought the reader didn't know who was being refered to, the implication is that they should
I'll definitely look at that section again and see what tweaks I can make ^_^ I'm really glad you enjoyed the characterisation though, thanks for your feedback ^_^
Very much so :cool:
@drajora: Very well done! I loved how you gave the Romulan perspective outside both the Tal'Shiar and Republic. The Fleet always was the third part of the Romulan government, and it's always good to see a piece that highlights this oft-overlooked part of Romulan society.
@grylak: It tends to be the norm to put a person's words within the actions they performed to make it clear who is saying what. In your entry, it can get unclear who is saying what without this. It's okay to have a chain of unidentified quotes as long as it's between two characters who have already been identified and no action but an exchange is going on, but as soon as one or the other does something, it's good to attach it to the person's words in some way to note who is speaking and who is doing what.
Also, the perspective shifts from what seems like a deserted and wrecked ship, to one in trouble, to a seemingly-alien perspective of the ship as a living creature, then back to a ship in trouble. While this can be effective, it does make the reader question who is experiencing what, and if there are different times/observers in each instance.
As others have said, very good writing on the crash! Loved how this was done! Overall, a great read!
@raventomoe: Welcome to the LCs! You put alot of work into this one, and it's an ambitious idea, but I feel obligated to give an honest review here. Please remember I don't intend this to be a knock-down, but rather a way to suggest possibile points to consider that might improve your writing. Take what advice you want, and discard what you don't agree with. It's -your- story!
While interesting to read, there is too much text to get through all of this comfortably. Too much is happening with alot of 'wall of text' moments. Granted this was over a period of a year, but it's the kind of report that begs to be broken into sections and summarized. It's a bit too much like we are reading a ruthlessly-combined episodic synopsis of an entire Sci Fi series than a single report, and it skips over explaining 'special abilities' as though these were common occurances (sorry, but if people in Starfleet encountered a race able to do the kind of things seen in this report, it would be staggering and more than a little cause to consider -how- these things were done scientifically).
Also, the rate of progress of the Bureau is hard to take seriously from a Star Trek perspective. It took the Federation over 200 years to develop starships able to travel at Warp 9.5, and that was with full understanding of the technologies involved and -alot- of failures. It's just not that simple to build a Warp engine system that can do all you need to do for that to work safely. For a culture that had absolutely no concept of the Warp Drive and a paranoia about Science to be able to make practical applied Warp Drives to this level -with- possible Slipstream applications on top in -six months- goes way beyond belief.
That said, alot of dedictation in writing this up, and it certainly has a creative take on merging Trek settings with those of other series!
Hope this helps! Look forwards to more!
@patrickngo: Nice job! I liked how you named the main character 'Okuda'
@wraithshadow13: Nice log entry! I loved the quirk you gave the EMT...if people are faulty, the artificial people they make are going to have some really interesting faults
@ milandare: Hahah!! Loved this one! Excellent job finding a way to turn the whole premise of the LC on it's head!! Had me laughing as much as shaking my head. Great work!
@knightraider6: Always interesting to visit the other side of the mirror! And, as others have said, fun to see a Firefly cameo (and, as importantly, not to make it blatent!). Nice job!
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Thanks! I think I'm going to avoid burning the midnight oil when I do these, as it seems I don't write as well as I should with my eyes half-open and my brain asking why I don't just have the warp core spontaneously breach.
I'll have to clear that up for sure!
As to answer why the Emperor didn't kill him?
He was his brother who sacrificed himself to save his planet, a noble gesture. Plus he hasn't seen him for 200+ years, so sentimentality.
As to why a rebellion was forming, not all of the 'friends' of the Empire are free, He's more of a Dictator washed with blood, then an Emperor who saved his people. Ergo, when a long lost hero pops in form another timeline/universe, word spreads fast, inciting rebellion to those unsatisfied, the DQ powers as well as in the empire itself.
Plus it's just a story.
Actually, if I didn't say this in the story cause I forget, he's my Klingon counterpart to Gregs' Federation side. He's eternally spitefull at Gregs for leaving both homeworlds to essentially die at the hands of a Planet Killer. So, given the choice of forgiving Gregs or not, he chose to become his mortal enemy in this timeline, by joining the Klingons, a balance of sorts that I wanna string along in other stories given the chance.
Short easter egg:
The squadron of fighters (The Vampires) that is sent down from the Bremen is a reference to the VERY old space combat sim "Starlancer" where the top aces of the faction you are a member of are known as the Vampires, flying off of the carrier Bremen.
Commanding officer: Odyssey class U.S.S. Athena
Admiral of the 1st Assault Fleet
Join date: Some time in Closed Beta
Sorry for the delay in getting back to you, was on leave and out of contact. Generally I have been criticized for stilted dialogue so being picked for being too fluid is a change.
I'll rework that scene if I get a sec, otherwise I'll pay more attention next time. One thing to mention is that there are two characters that can (and do) tend to finish each others sentences, and one more that is almost as bad. So you will see that blending from time to time.
Let me know if "generally" you all find this to be an interesting story and I'll post more on it. I have a bit of material elsewhere.
J.
It's a long one!
Caveat lector: (Reader beware...) The following story covers what for some may be sensitive philosophical and spiritual ground for some. While both characters illuminate their pasts and their perspectives, the point of the story is not to advocate for the rightness or wrongness of either character's basic beliefs. This story is about the effects of prejudice, stereotypes, and what should be the proper conduct of a Starfleet officer.
Readers who may be uncomfortable with a discussion of these topics, however, may wish to find other reading material more to their liking.
In accordance with the above-stated purpose, the story's title is "One Uniform."
http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/showpost.php?p=12648531&postcount=22
Enjoy--and please, of course, be civil and refrain from debate about real-world beliefs in the comments.
Christian Gaming Community Fleets--Faith, Fun, and Fellowship! See the website and PM for more. :-)
Proudly F2P. Signature image by gulberat. Avatar image by balsavor.deviantart.com.
That was a really nice punchy entry ^_^ There's a 'but' coming... A couple of bits didn't quite feel necessary, such as Ibalei's entry into the command center, or the officer questioning Bryan's choice of landing sites. The idea of a commanding officer leaving the ship to lead an assault team was pushing regulations for sure, but to then have the first officer leave as well, leaving the ship in the middle of a battle with only the second officer in charge... As a story, hey, it was fun and worked fine, I just think in a real world scenario, questions would be asked, as Bryan would be at risk of being viewed as a loose-cannon showboater (especially after the Borg incident which claimed Zizania's last host) However... Once they were planet side, yeah, totally felt right for Bryan to be mixing it up and having a specialty to contribute, so that was awesome ^_^ Next major beef... To cut between Bryan leaving the shuttle evac, to him by Ibalei's bedside, when the awesomeness of a ground battle had been shown... That just wasn't fair
The scene is a variation on the prologue that I wrote for the story. All the original elements are in there but with the addition of the crew and the Traveler as the reference character. Originally the scene was set in an expensive restaurant in the same complex as the Federation president in Paris. The Q were in attendance and there was a bit of dialogue that communicated the sense of threat represented by the antagonist, in addition to the same cues to her motivation and background.
In this scene I replaced the location with a familiar character (the Traveler) as the POV character and used him to convey the same points. So he probably won't show up again in the story.
Let me know if you want to read more on this story as I'm happy to post in future challenges if there is interest.
J.
Thank you and it is always good to get feedback I feel. ^_^
Anyways, now to explain a few things you pointed out.
The reason for the report was that is how it comes across. The majority of the chapters will start off with Log Entry's with bits and pieces as the Captain starts in on that particular bit. Yes, the Starfleet crew are perplexed by the powers, abilities, and technology in use by this society. I liken the powers and abilities in use by the majority of the civilization to similar stunts done by The Q, Iconians, Elachi, and other species (closer to the Q Continuum though). The Combat Cyborgs are just taking known Physics of Star Trek and using them in new ways (like Sein's IS: Deep Diver makes her Interphasic on a certain level that allows her to phase and swim through normal matter for example yet still visible and interacts with her environment). The Cradle itself is a mix of both Magic and Physics that is insane.
However, attempts will be made to explain this power on a scientific level. Just need to remember that where Earth in the Star Trek Universe when full on Science (Mass-Driven Technology in Midchildan)...Midchilda embraced Magic-driven Technology and applis the same rigor to Magic that Starfleet applies to Science.
As to why they were able to so quickly make the needed leaps to Warp capability. They already technically had it. They never bothered to use it as it was considered forbidden by virtue of being a Science-based application as well as the bypassing Interstellar Transit Capability for the Inter-dimensional one they've been in possession of since about 400 years ago (which they themselves inherited from another older society and so on). The local Mad Scientist worked out though how to do a similar effect using a modified Trans-Dimensional Engine that made it a Magic-powered Warp Drive. It was actually not that much work as when not moving the ship through Dimensional Space (Subspace/Interspace Layer) these engines function as Gravity-based Impulse Drives.
Granted, the Trans-Dimensional Engines are far faster then even Slipstream Drives and share some hallmarks with Temporal Drives but rather then Time...they move through Universes. Similar in ways to the Elachi's ability to move in and out of Subspace found on their ships and probes. They can also park in an 'orbit' of other Dimensions. But the long charge and synchronizing times make them unwieldy for fast deployment in case of an emergency within a single universe. Hence why they would like the idea of a Magic-based Warp Drive. (To illustrate how advanced they are in the Inter-Dimensional Arena...Exhibit A should probably spell it out.)
The intro with Grimworm and Karry (I'm guessing you meant this part for the deserted ship part) was put in to introduce those two for the story, since they haven't really done much over this three parter. With it only being set in the Captain's Quarters and the corridor directly outside, that small area could be empty and feel like a deserted ship. I was feeling very poetic when I wrote the warp core breach, and afterwards, was debating putting it in or writing a version that kept the ship as a non living thing. I decided to keep it as is as the ship often takes on a character of its own in these kind of shows, and with this being the swansong of the Sentinel, figured it deserved to be treated as one when her heart was ripped out. It was a gamble of artistic choice, and one I personally feel worked given how Emony treats the ship in her drug induced state at the end. But I can understand where you are coming from about it.
I've noticed a couple of times now people are saying they don't always know who is talking. That is certainly something I need to work on in future without simply saying he said she said he said she said etc. Thanks for the feedback.
A Romulan Strike Team, Missing Farmers and an ancient base on a Klingon Border world. But what connects them? Find out in my First Foundary mission: 'The Jeroan Farmer Escapade'
Well, I understand what you are saying, but that would more likely only produce basic warp engines. Engines capable of the kind of warping needed for the best anyone who has actually built them from the ground up and refined them over many lifetimes would take -a lot- more time, research (magic, like science, requires research, experimentation, and time to develop properly) and a huge amount of refining (probably multiple lifetimes as well), discounting the fact that its alien technology that has to be translated (and, if you want to know some of the difficulties in that, imagine that you now have the Chief Engineer of the Federation starship being told he has to teach the Master Wizard of the Bureau everything about the latest transwarp drive engines, including the ways to build the materials needed to make them and starting from scratch on how a warp field is made, while the ship is also going to be involved in fulltime combat operations and him having to do everything he normally does in running his Department on the ship. All within six months). Just because you are changing the tools you use does not mean the job you have to do isn't just as complicated.
If you'd like an interesting read on this kind of situation, I recommend reading the 'Odyssey' series by Evan Currie. In that series, Earth sends out their first FTL cruiser and encounters extraterrestrial cultures that have very different technology from themselves (and the differences leave each completely unable to believe what the other can do). The Earth even develops the warp drive at one point (in Book 3). However, there is a problem with that warp drive that stems from not having the complete background you need to be able to use it.
Anyway, I don't mean this to be a put-down. I know trying to integrate magic-based anime and science-based Trek is a tough task, but I thought it was worth mentioning what I thought seemed out of place.
A fantastic entry, I feel both author's contributions blended perfectly, and made for a thoroughly engrossing read :cool: I had no issue with the nature of the subject matter, but, I did find Alyosha's attitude -- disagreeable. I couldn't quite put my finger on it while reading, but when finished, I would have to say that he is actually bigoted against bigots, and he essentially bullied Arkos into revising his own opinions... The fact that Alyosha is a Christian, was irrelevant to Arkos' beef with Gerstein, and I feel that he was within his right to make a complaint about someone putting personal practice, ahead of ship's duties. The fact that Arkos' opinion about religious practice is negative, is irrelevant to the principle under discussion of self-determination. If he doesn't like the religious, he does not have to, and so long as his interpersonal relations with them were professional and not abusive, then personally, I don't feel a commanding officer has the right to use their rank and position, to impose their own moral code on another being (in the same way as I disagreed with Captain Picard's stance in Insurrection, and how the crew went along with it 'because he's the captain...') and I felt that Alyosha crossed that line by using his religious beliefs as a trap when asking Arkos to evaluate him and his department. Gerstein's practices impacted on ship duties, Alyosha's did not, so it was an unfair comparison, IMHO. That is not intended as a critique of the entry, per se, as I thoroughly enjoyed it, I just felt Alyosha's handling of the situation bordered on the sanctimonious. He was undoubtably doing the right thing by addressing instances of intollerance by an officer, I just felt he did so in an unfair and ironically intolerant manner himself... Excellent writing though, kudos to you both :cool:
Meanwhile, please enjoy "Coming Down"
Starring:
Josh Hartnett as the voice of Rusty
and Chloe Grace Moretz as Georgia.
...
EDIT: reviews, as promised.
@knightraider - a very fun look behind the mirror. Loved the nemesis relationship between Missy and Liz, and especially Shepherd Book's cameo.
@ironphoenix - critique first: epic space battles should feel - well, epic, and yours really didn't. What you had there was rushed and overly reliant on cliches (ships exploding left and right) and didn't give this reader a chance to sit back and enjoy any of the action or to appreciate the unique capabilities of your "hero." Your combat scenes really cooked though. You have definite talent in that area. And your description of the aftermath of space battle is also excellent.
@gulberat & ambassadormolari - beautiful entry. I didn't see this as so much of a conflict of organized religion vs. the scientific community, but rather a collision of two intolerant viewpoints which both claim to embrace tolerance. The fact is that anyone who claims to be universally tolerant is either a liar or someone who is ignorant of his own viewpoint. Certain worldviews are simply mutually exclusive. You can't promote human rights if you subscribe to Malthusianism. Even if you simply claim to respect all the opinions of others, that only holds up until someone who comes along with an opinion which offends your sensibilities. Tolerant people lack conviction, and anyone who professes any belief in anything will be intolerant of those who attack their belief.
...Oh, baby, you know, I've really got to leave you / Oh, I can hear it callin 'me / I said don't you hear it callin' me the way it used to do?...
- Anne Bredon