Requesting Review - The Search for the Phoenix King

desgallant · June 2013

Hey folks,

So I just got done with my first Foundry quest. It's been through a few days of the fire, and so far, most of the people whose arms I have twisted into trying it say that it's excellent. Me, I'm not so sure - so I'm trying to get more people to review it, giving quality feedback, so that I can improve!

The quest is NW-DS2NASHFD; A Long Way Away from Home. It is the beginning of what I plan to turn into a campaign in several parts. So, any feedback here might show up later in the campaign! Exciting, right?

I am also willing to review in trade. The Foundry is fun.

Code: NW-DS2NASHFD
Name: A Long Way Away from Home
Type: Storyline / Average Combat.
Time: 10-15 Minutes, depending on whether you like to read or not.

Thank you in advance!

(Also this is my To-Do list. After trying my quest, if you're interested, please help out these other authors~)

TO-DO
- Free and Open! Trade me y'all.

Done
NW-DOR9NCQ85 ****
NW-DP7QLV4YN ****
NW-DLTS5X6TO, Pool of the Dead ****
NW-DRMB39T5, Final Examination *****
NW-DQBGVHH7V, The Dark Garden *****
NW-DO335J3SZ ****
NW-DE76NJPYV *****

Known Issues (If listed as 'Fixed', I have already saved the fix, but not uploaded it yet)
- Sphere placement & Sphere-Fu

crowthorn · June 2013

I'm in the same boat Desgallant.
Recently released mine, and been tweaking it like crazy.

I'll have a look for you and give it a kind review, I'll bring any feedback I have to this thread.
Appreciate it if you could return the favour.

Cheers.

****************************************
Reviewed - SPOILER ALERT -
****************************************

~Great pub, really liked the detail and the crowd.
~Was the first mob stacked..? (Multiple Thugs in alley, killed me very quickly. )
~Excellent attention to detail in the maps..
~ the bricks behind/in the burning barrel fireplace looked a little odd.. does the fireplace come out any more or maybe some rocks behind? (minor details, but people spend time at those places.. like me

)

Over-all, really enjoyed your quest.. very clever design and well written story.
Great stuff, well done. Looking forward to the next installment..

Thank you

desgallant · June 2013

Ok, I'm playing through your module right now.

~~~~~~
Thoughts! (Spoiler Alert)
~~~~~~
- How do you get a conversation that could lead to violence? The pirate captain dialogue, I presume, could have ended in combat - how do you write a conversation that will trigger an encounter like that?
- The house itself seemed very professional. Good attention to detail. So was the passage.
- There are a few minor things with NPCs and dialogue - Customized Halfling 8. Just saying.
- Customized Halfling 8 Gave me a CHICKEN AND THAT IS AWESOME.
- This quest seems somewhat longish. Then again, the one I wrote seemed somewhat shortish, too. Was trying to get this done before I headed in to college, and that didn't happen. Lol. I'm late for math.

Overall, a little more work rounding out the conversations - you have enough options for dialogue, it's the dialogue itself I find a little halting. Also, with all the side quests and so forth, it feels a little less like a 'Foundry Quest' and more like a 'Foundry Module'. You might consider breaking the quests down into seperate modules and giving them all the love you just gave this one. Taken as part of one long foundry, it seems that they've got a lot of potential that there hasn't been enough time devoted to exploiting. Exploiting them in the module would probably push it well past 30 minutes.

Werewolves?

Therewolves!

What...?

Very funny. =3 Anyway, it's clear you've spent a lot of time on the module. I think, if you broke it down into several modules, and spent just as much time on each one individually, you'd have an awesome campaign.

zuviele · June 2013

I'll trade reviews. Running yours now, mine is in my signature

Update:
I finished the quest. I think it's a good quest, however I felt like there were a few polish issues or something. I didn't see a ton of things, but it was a general feeling. Some maps seemed more appreciated than others. Like how you had detail items in the "tavern", but the courtyard outside was a bit sparse on detail.
I like the story, and I am interested to see where it goes. The dialogue was interesting; although, honestly, I think you might have overused quirkiness a little (e.g. all the ughs and word inflections). I got what you were going for: the chest is a joke. It just seemed to me like you had a serious story-line and you tried to make it feel less serious, but I kinda think that detracted more than it helped.

Here are some minor things I noticed along the way:
*Animations to Purple Dragon. When you first talk to her, she just stands there the whole time. Would be nice to see some movement.
*When talking to Nafe', the dialogue says 'adventurer' in a weird place. Is that a bug, or is that intentional? Seems odd
*Drow Statue 01 after speaking to Nafe', could use a rename.
*Personally, I don't like the use of invisible walls as an exit if there is a doorway 6ft behind it. You used that a couple times. It's minor, but have you tried Interactable spheres on the doors instead? Or move the invisible wall back so it's in front of the door. It feels weird being stopped in your tracks when there is a doorway just outside arm's reach.

All in all, I like this quest. I like the story. I gave you 4 stars because I think you can spit-shine it in a few places.

desgallant · June 2013

Thank you for noticing some of the polish issues; I have gone in and corrected them, I think. I also changed the drow statue (good catch, somehow I missed it).

I keep toying around with the animations for the PD, so I hope she'll be waving her arms about ecstatically now. Yay. Motivation. I haven't completely worked over her last dialogue, but I did enough module work I re-uploaded it. The courtyard is now more furnished.

Standby for a review; I have another class to go to, but I'll be back in a couple hours.

EDIT: Internet went to ****. Couple of mooches are leeching the LAN. But, nevertheless, will get to this!!

serryth17 · June 2013

I'll be happy to do a review for you tomorrow. If you wouldn't mind taking a look at my quest when you have time, the code is NW-DOR9NCQ8S. Hopefully my last round of fixes will update soon.

I'll post if I notice anything you haven't already toyed with.

desgallant · June 2013

Ok, it's review time. Before I begin, I apologize for not leaving a review in-game; for some reason, the review box did not pop up when it was supposed to. I might have been moving, or something. I'll go ahead and try to run it again, sometime today, to leave one of those things since I know that reviews are important (god, I feel the pain too).

Part 1: The Rescue (NW-DHWDQZ9YD)

- I'm sure a lot of people have told you this, but the exchange at the end is masterfully done and timed. I expect that took you a lot of heartache, but it paid off. I'm not sure if non-foundry players could really understand how much tweaking that must have took but bravo, sir. Bravo.
- The Nox fight could have been really dicy, really quickly, and I kind of was like 'Craaaaap' when I walked in there and was face to face with (spoiler). After fighting through it, though, I think it was very well balanced, and that includes the fact you are fighting in a small area; as a CW, I was hard pressed to stay out of reach. (I ran it with a level 16).
- Plot wise, I like how you ended it. It's a pretty powerful hook.
- I could not find any spelling, grammar, or careless name errors. The NPC pathways were perfect, as well.

Overall I will give this a 5/5 when I can get the box to pop up. Bravo, sir.

NW-DOR9NCQ8S

- I'm getting there. =P

heckle7 · June 2013

I'll trade reviews if you are interested.

I just finished my first foundry quest and I would REALLY like some feedback on what I can do to improve it. It's about 16 mins long and is called:

Surviving the Survey
NW-DP7QLV4YN

I'll give yours a shot when I get home from work.

serryth17 · June 2013

Nice job, des. Other than a couple spelling errors here and there, I liked it. The tavern/rebel den was cool, a nice mix of elements I hadn't seen yet. And I like little clicky lore/story bits. I didn't notice any errors other than spelling, but it was also kind of late, or you're just that good.

It was fun, tough, and interesting. Although I was disappointed that the 'purple dragon' was not actually purple, and I didn't get the ugh's all over. If that was a joke it went right over my head, but I'm used to that.

heckle7, I've put you on my list to review and will hopefully get to you today. I've spotted you in a couple threads, so I'm not sure where to put a review if the little box doesn't cover any opinions.

heckle7 · June 2013

Thanks serryth17...I really appreciate that! Feel free to put your comments on any of the threads I've posted in. I'm keeping an eye on them all for feedback on my quest. Thanks so much!

serryth17 · June 2013

heckle7. Hilarious quest. I love the lines about the guards. Very funny. It was quick and interesting, but I did notice just a couple spelling/grammar bits, and one mountain above the beach that looks like it's floating. It might be a ledge or really big cave, I couldn't get close enough to be sure, but from several angles on the beach it sure looks like it floats on top of a tree. Otherwise, very smooth and pretty fun. Nice work.

annadruvez · June 2013

Okay, I've gone through it as a L55 CW. I enjoyed the heck out of this quest and look forward to the sequel. The mobs were nicely balanced and I liked the storyline. Two problems, though:

1) Inside the Inn, there is a fireplace that juts out into the walkway. As you come up on it, you can see straight through it from the back. Move it over slightly and it'll be taken care of.
2) After leaving the Inn, there is a horse by the spawn point labeled "Horse 1." All other horses are simply labeled 'Horse.'

So, that's it. A solid 4 star. Fix those two and I'd say a five.

Mine is in my sig, if you'd like to take a look.

heckle7 · June 2013

Thanks serryth17! You are my new best friend :-)

I'll have to go through the dialog a bit to see if I can't clean up the spelling/grammar. It's amazing how many typos seem to slip through even after I reviewed and rewrote it a bunch of times. There just always seems to be one more thing to fix. I'm curious about the floating mountain you saw. I did mess around with one of those rolling cave doors for the beach in an earlier version before I scrapped the idea. Maybe one is left over and misbehaving. I wasn't able to log on yesterday but I hope to get on there tonight to fix it and complete a few play-thru's I promised.

I really appreciate you playing through my quest and the great feedback. I'm really glad you liked it...gives me hope for my future content.

heckle7 · June 2013

Serryth17. I played your quest a few minutes ago. That was pretty crazy. Reminded me of Alice in Wonderland with all of the funny. quirky characters and general weirdness to the whole area. I didn't know what was going on most of the time as things were so surreal but then I ended up having a blast. I liked the spooky woods, crazy chickens and flat out evil characters. When Mary transformed it was pretty awesome. The last fight before the chest was good fun too. The only "negatives" I saw were some board piles in the tavern that seemed glitch and clipped in and out of the floor. The werewolves names didn't always match their models either. Archers would be wolves, wolves would be fighters, etc. I'm not sure if you intended this to show the different werewolf transformations though. All in all a great job and well worth the rating/tip I gave you!

winterswitch · June 2013

Desgallant, I enjoyed it. Here are the minor issues I saw:

--"Drow Statue 01" needs a proper name
--check spelling of "Quintessential" (on the painting), "independent" (Report #33)
--when entering Treacle street, the building foundation directly ahead appears to be floating a bit off the ground
--in the first spy dialogue, replace "Alright" with "All right", to make all the English majors who play your quest happy
--suggest having generic mission (or boss) music play during some of the harder battles

A more general comment is that you're tossing out quite a bit of lore and names. This is fine, but think about how you might get a new player to care about the places and people that you introduce.

heckle7 · June 2013

Not my quest winterswitch...you played desgallant's quest. I rudely and unintentionally hijacked his thread for a few posts. Sorry everyone!

talli0 · June 2013

Played Desgallant's quest. Quite enjoyable for the most part. Good areas. Thought the storyline was well done with alot of tie-ins to forgotten realm lore. I guess I'm a little naive, cause when I first was talking to the suspicious guy outside of the tavern, I believed that he wasn't part of the phoenix guard and actually wanted to buy me a drink. Right up to the point he attacked me...I don't know if there is a way to make it more obvious/suspicious or if you even want to but something to think about.

Comments:

Didn't quite get what you were trying to do with the "ugh" and "urg" comments with the barmaid/spy
The serving girl says "...didn't ever manage..." which sounds funny. Maybe want "never managed"
She also says "warfighting gear" which is an odd term. You probably just want to say that we can take anything we find in the hide-out.
The suspicious looking man says "hard to come by, these days". The comma isn't needed.
He also says something about how someone "sat on Arabel." do you mean sat on arabel's throne?
Invisible interactable you use at the tavern door should be moved up the stairs and placed right in front of the door.
Default names I found: "Weapon Rack 01", "Drow Statue 01" and "Horse 1"
Using invisible walls as exits i kinda wierd. Consider chaning them to interactable invisible spheres that you place next to the doors.

Hope that helps. And would love a playthrough and any comments you would have on my quest. All the info is in my sig...

Oh, and also picked up Heckle's quest but will PM my comments so as to not derail the thread again

desgallant · June 2013

Ok, well, with the patch and my ****-net, I'm going to be behind a couple of days on the review trade. It's at 20% right now, and I started it yesterday, so...

However, this is my to-do list when the game pops back up:

1. NW-DOR9NCQ8S
2. NW-DP7QLV4YN
3. NW-DLTS5X6TO, Pool of the Dead
4. NW-DRMB39T5, Final Examination
5. NW-DQBGVHH7V, The Dark Garden

Thank you again for the reviews and the interest. Once my game is updated I'll go full steam forward, and get some of these reviews posted up for you guys.

annadruvez · June 2013

It's cool. Real life happens.

desgallant · June 2013

Ok, here we go.

Murderous Mary's - NW-DOR9NCQ8S

- Consider populating the forest and using less 'surprise' encounters. The area felt like it needed more loving and foliage. If things are going to pop out at me, I'd like it if there is something nearby for them to logically pop out from. Shrubbery!
- Some of your 'Youngblood Archers' are actually using wolf models.
- Encounters were not particularly challenging until the very last one. Maybe it's because i"m playing a CW in an open space? Who knows.
- Entrance to the quest has an odd mouseover.
- Might make an 'exit' door after the last area.

Overall I liked the quest. It was quick, and a pretty fun romp around crazyville.

desgallant · June 2013

NW-DP6QLV4YN, Surviving the Survey

- Lol, you broke the fourth wall. I can appreciate what you are trying to do with the plot; it's got a good, solid base for future exploration and more or less any adventure could be fitted within it. However, breaking the fourth wall takes me out of the action and setting a bit. It's funny don't get me wrong, but a little out of place if you're writing story.
- Couple minor dialogue typos throughout the meeting with the survey team. Particularly I noticed that an 'i' wasn't capitalized when it needed to be. The dialogue responses need a second look at.
- It's difficult to talk to Elisabeth when she's running around like that. Consider slowing her down a bit. I had to try a couple of times to talk to her before I placed all the stuff in the things.

Overall it's a decent start to what I hope will be a continuing story! I gave it a 4/5. (And for anyone wondering I also gave Mary's a 4/5 but am too lazy to edit my last post!)

heckle7 · June 2013

desgallant.

I just ran your quest. Fun little adventure. I liked the dialogue and it looks like you are laying the foundation for a fun campaign with the story. A few minor suggestions though:

-You switched around the terminology for the "foreign" npc some at the beginning of the quest. There was an objective to find the "strange foreign person", when completed it referred to him as an "interesting foreign gentlemen", and then he was labeled as a suspicious foreign person or something when talked to. Maybe just use one term throughout? And I would use "foreigner" instead of "foreign person" as it flows a little better.
-Some of the fights in the Guildhall were a little repetitive. I think I fought the same combo of 1 enforcer and 2 snipers about 6 times. Maybe mix it up some like you did closer to the end of the quest?
-When leaving the Guildhall and having to "Fight Out" a couple of the enemies (including a named npc) turned away from me and ran over to attack a nearby horse. While it made me laugh I don't think this was intentional.

Great job overall though! I'm looking forward to your next installment.

annadruvez · June 2013

heckle7 wrote: »

desgallant.

I just ran your quest. Fun little adventure. I liked the dialogue and it looks like you are laying the foundation for a fun campaign with the story. A few minor suggestions though:

-You switched around the terminology for the "foreign" npc some at the beginning of the quest. There was an objective to find the "strange foreign person", when completed it referred to him as an "interesting foreign gentlemen", and then he was labeled as a suspicious foreign person or something when talked to. Maybe just use one term throughout? And I would use "foreigner" instead of "foreign person" as it flows a little better.
-Some of the fights in the Guildhall were a little repetitive. I think I fought the same combo of 1 enforcer and 2 snipers about 6 times. Maybe mix it up some like you did closer to the end of the quest?
-When leaving the Guildhall and having to "Fight Out" a couple of the enemies (including a named npc) turned away from me and ran over to attack a nearby horse. While it made me laugh I don't think this was intentional.

Great job overall though! I'm looking forward to your next installment.

Wow.... Didn't do that with me. Still, I have to ask: Did it attack Horse or Horse 1? Please, please tell me you got a screen shot? I want to see that!

I may be wrong, but it was probably a bug in the system itself. Not something Desgallant could have controlled.

serryth17 · June 2013

Very appreciative of the feedback, heck and des. I'll take another look at your issues and suggestions. And replay your work in the future. Thank you both.

And good luck with other projects.

heckle7 · June 2013

annadruvez

I didn't even think to grab a screen capture. That would have been smart. The named npc right as you exit the Guildhall ran over to one of the horses at my right. I think there is a gate there and two horses standing against a wall? My memory is a bit fuzzy but I know it was the horse nearest that gate. I don't recall the horse title...sorry. It was kinda crazy as I killed the rest of his group and then had to go stop him while he was attacking the horse. He targeted onto me as soon as I hit him and all was well.

I'm new to the foundry so I didn't know if this was the result of a wrongly checked box or something. But it certainly could have been a bug I suppose. I might run it again later tonight to see if it replicates.

annadruvez · June 2013

Horse 1 is over by the firepit/respawn to your left as you come out. The other horses are labeled 'Horse.'

Too bad about the screen shot. I think you could have made screenshot of the week with that one - if just for making everyone laugh! If you can get a shot of it, I would certainly suggest submitting it.

desgallant · June 2013

Lol this horse is the bane of my existence.

Foundry editing is not currently allowed, so I am going to have to let it stand for now, but this will go on my to-do list when Cryptic's dev team picks up the pace on un****ing what got ****ed. In the meantime, more reviews.

belberk · June 2013

I just ran your quest and really enjoyed the story and flow of the quest. The encounters were solo friendly and balanced. Great job on your first effort. Keep them coming.

I did have one slight dyslexic moment hovering over the word tavern (which I thought at first glance was misspelled), but other than that nothing really jumped out at me.

If you have the time, could you please play, rate, and review my quest. The quest info is in my sig.

Thanks,

here is the video review link http://youtu.be/WGURyuk_abU

desgallant · June 2013

Pool of the Dead (****)

- "Trash 1", "Graveyard 1", and after that I stopped counting. Excluding the statues, your interactables are all generically named. A minor polish issue.
- And while I'm on the subject of the statues, those are kind of funny. I shook my fist at one of your NPC's ancestors!
- A minor note - "I don't know, I didn't author the quest!" Very lighthearted. It's not like there's a greater story here, that I can find, so it is more appropriate in my opinion than on some other quests (including mine).

4/5. I really did enjoy the dungeon crawl. Sometimes you just want to, you know, skip all the dialogue and get to killing things. This would be one of the quests to do it in.

desgallant · June 2013

Final Examination (*****)

This, sir, is ****ing beautiful. I can find no problems with this quest either grammatically, challenge-wise, or otherwise.

5/5, and you're added to my watch list.

zefrimex · June 2013

Just reviewed your quest. You can find mine in my sig. Thanks!