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Trading Review: The Arcane Conflict
orangefiree
Member, NW M9 Playtest Posts: 1,148 Arc User
Hello, I have posted a thread on the first quest in this campaign but have changed it's name and released the second part. (Yes, most of my free time recently has been put into the foundry.) I decided to just give the campaign itself a thread.
Campaign: The Arcane Conflict: NWS-DG4CX25DT (Formerly known as "The Planar Conflict" until I decided to start working on another 9 parts.)
Some screenshots are on page 8.
Part I: The Shadowfell Disciples: NW-DEBISCCCR
After A day of adventuring, your vision starts to grow cloudy and you hear voices inside your head. Perhaps you should rest at a nearby inn and wait for your mind to clear.
I am happy to report that "The Shadowfell Disciples" has gotten off of the for review tab and is currently sitting on the new tab. It still need reviews though as I am sure there are several typos among other issues still there.
State: Final testing. (Just a couple more reviews and this one should be fully polished.)
Part II: The Demonweb Game: NW-DHBGM6VVC
Guard captains Thearous and Nerthos informed you that a wizard named Brizax could help you, perhaps you should go ask him about the strange events of late.
This is probably more combat focused then the others but still advances the story quite a bit.
State: Beta
Part III: The Shadowfell Fortress: NW-DC866MQVH
A day has passed since your visit to the Demonweb, you should see if Brizax is ready to take you to the Shadowfell and has not become too distracted with more rewarding opportunities.
State: Beta
Part IV: The Temple Of The Planes: NW-DAQDRO3NP
A few days have passed, and no one has heard whether Brizax completed his ritual, it might be a good idea to investigate.
Author's note: This quest has much less combat then other quests in the campaign. It instead contains a maze with a twist that I hope you will enjoy.
State: Beta
Part V: The Chosen Of The Planes: NW-DG58QBFVA
You have discovered that Zyraen, a mad wizard believing himself to be chosen by the planes, is responsible for the planeshift. Vlathis has managed to drive him out of The Temple Of The Planes. but his schemes are still continuing somewhere else. With the aid of Vlathis, you must find and defeat him before he can achieve his "destiny".
State: Beta.
Part VI: The Shadow Investigation: NW-DRWVNTH33
Your previous mission is over, yet only about a week later, you receive a message from Vlathis. it reads
"Dear adventurer.
Please come meet me at Zyraen's quarters in the Temple of the Planes. I have found something on this "Arcane Council", you know, the one Zyraen talked about.
Your friend
Vlathis"
Perhaps you should go see what information Vlathis has uncovered.
State: Beta
Part VII: The End of Shadows
A couple days after your discovery of the shadowspawn, you notice a job board posting.
"Adventurers needed to combat strange shadow creatures.
Be prepared to face copies of your friends and even yourself. Whatever these things are, even the oldest and wisest wizards are confused by them."
This sounds like shadowspawn, perhaps you should investigate.
State: Beta
I am happy to review your quests in exchange for a review of mine. They are all very new. The more you review the better. but if you only review one that is fine. I will review entire campaigns though I will request a review on more than one of my quests if I am reviewing more than one of yours.
I hope everyone enjoys playing these as much as I enjoyed creating them.
Campaign: The Arcane Conflict: NWS-DG4CX25DT (Formerly known as "The Planar Conflict" until I decided to start working on another 9 parts.)
Some screenshots are on page 8.
Part I: The Shadowfell Disciples: NW-DEBISCCCR
After A day of adventuring, your vision starts to grow cloudy and you hear voices inside your head. Perhaps you should rest at a nearby inn and wait for your mind to clear.
I am happy to report that "The Shadowfell Disciples" has gotten off of the for review tab and is currently sitting on the new tab. It still need reviews though as I am sure there are several typos among other issues still there.
State: Final testing. (Just a couple more reviews and this one should be fully polished.)
Part II: The Demonweb Game: NW-DHBGM6VVC
Guard captains Thearous and Nerthos informed you that a wizard named Brizax could help you, perhaps you should go ask him about the strange events of late.
This is probably more combat focused then the others but still advances the story quite a bit.
State: Beta
Part III: The Shadowfell Fortress: NW-DC866MQVH
A day has passed since your visit to the Demonweb, you should see if Brizax is ready to take you to the Shadowfell and has not become too distracted with more rewarding opportunities.
State: Beta
Part IV: The Temple Of The Planes: NW-DAQDRO3NP
A few days have passed, and no one has heard whether Brizax completed his ritual, it might be a good idea to investigate.
Author's note: This quest has much less combat then other quests in the campaign. It instead contains a maze with a twist that I hope you will enjoy.
State: Beta
Part V: The Chosen Of The Planes: NW-DG58QBFVA
You have discovered that Zyraen, a mad wizard believing himself to be chosen by the planes, is responsible for the planeshift. Vlathis has managed to drive him out of The Temple Of The Planes. but his schemes are still continuing somewhere else. With the aid of Vlathis, you must find and defeat him before he can achieve his "destiny".
State: Beta.
Part VI: The Shadow Investigation: NW-DRWVNTH33
Your previous mission is over, yet only about a week later, you receive a message from Vlathis. it reads
"Dear adventurer.
Please come meet me at Zyraen's quarters in the Temple of the Planes. I have found something on this "Arcane Council", you know, the one Zyraen talked about.
Your friend
Vlathis"
Perhaps you should go see what information Vlathis has uncovered.
State: Beta
Part VII: The End of Shadows
A couple days after your discovery of the shadowspawn, you notice a job board posting.
"Adventurers needed to combat strange shadow creatures.
Be prepared to face copies of your friends and even yourself. Whatever these things are, even the oldest and wisest wizards are confused by them."
This sounds like shadowspawn, perhaps you should investigate.
State: Beta
I am happy to review your quests in exchange for a review of mine. They are all very new. The more you review the better. but if you only review one that is fine. I will review entire campaigns though I will request a review on more than one of my quests if I am reviewing more than one of yours.
I hope everyone enjoys playing these as much as I enjoyed creating them.
Neverwinter players are stubborn things....until you strip them down to bone. (Cursed players, my flowers, MINE!) Oh how I plotted their demise.
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments
Campaign: The Planar Conflict: NWS-DG4CX25DT
Quest Three: The Shadowfell Fortress: NW-DC866MQVH
==Played and reviewed==
*I'll be going back and playing through the others soon, I just wanted to get a quick run-n-review in today.
Overall:
The quest is enjoyable, even played out of order as this was.
I liked that the fortress was an outside setting, made using your mount possible in the long hallways. I liked the clever use of the walls to customize a simple labyrinth style layout. I missed some of the detail touches such as cobble or a worn path in the grass.
The fighting was fine, not too terribly hard, not boring; reasonably well spaced and oriented.
Observations
Apprentice Vallis
Dialog as you enter the tower: You use a semicolon in place of a comma at one point.
-The decorative knights in armor in the tower are sunk into the floor...looks like they don't have feet.
The General: Last conversation
preformed -> performed
The final chest is stuck over half-way into the wall
Suggestions
Add some detail to the beginning and end. The guy standing in a gutted empty house is a little weird. I'd expect a wizard's house to be cluttered with books and random enchanted detritus.
Throw some detail touches into the fortress outside. Music, fog, off lighting, stuff like that. The sky isn't all that visible and I didn't really get the sense that I was stuck in some demi-plane of fear or anything.
+++++++++++++
I hope that you have the time to check out my quest under the 'For Review' tab.
@casmelak
Campaign : The Making of a God
Quest : The Divinity of Lankeshire
Shortcode : NW-DF7Y9QTCM
+++++++++++++
"I can't make you do anything Captain Nerthos" -- comma after "anything". Period after "doomed", start new sentence with "You are the..."
"First of all, my name is not Nethos". We were called "Nerthos".
Guard Captain Thearous is a little close to the spawn point. Guard Captain Thearous is capitalized in his name, but not in the objective text. Room is fairly bare. Rugs overlap oddly in far left corner.
Inkeeper misspelled, should be Innkeeper.
"vile witches curse" = "vile witch's curse"
"I. I...I am alright" = "I... I... I am all right. Thanks, though."
"It will be nothin ..." = "It will be nothin' ..."
Two sentences -- "Easy gold is always good. What do you have for me?"
Two sentences -- "Me partner Nerthos reported it recently. A tribe of goblin mysics has ....". Mystics?
"caused by some vile witch, if I may take a guess". With a comma.
"But I should, continue," -- no comma after should.
"Continue, then. Are you sure you shouldn't...."
"Aye, good one, there! This is a rather common situation..."
There's a lot of places you use a comma to connect two separate sentences, I won't bother to mention them from now on. But take a care. Separate sentences.
Why am I leaving rope?
Sparkly goes into the rock wall a little ways down.
I like the entrance to the caves, with that bone tunnel!
"ingituity" - "ingenuity"
Tashall the Shadowbound is not mortal? Nope, he is!!!!
He doesn't look like he's casting anything. Maybe some magical effects?
Inkeeper still has nothing for me.
Said to talk to Thearous, but he doesn't have a dialog mark, instead, have to interact with the carpet in front of him, which is weird. I see you're doing this to talk to both NPCs at once, but maybe it would be better to split those apart somehow.
"Have you heard of this place." = question mark at the end.
The environments seemed really bare, even the goblin caves. You use run-on sentences almost everywhere. That said, I loved the plot, loved the goblin cave quests, looking forward to the next one.
Thanks for checking it out, just to make sure, if the word "Performed" was where I think it is, that line was from Vlathis, not General Fanqaou, should I make that more clear or were you just labeling the conversation and not the specific dialogue line? I assume you knew who was actually talking, but I just want to make sure.
I will look at adding some details, the Shadowfell actually does have it's own sky and such which I used, exact same is the Shadowfell scenes in Cryptic content so there isn't much I can do with that, though I will add some details to the fortress and Brizax's house. (He probably should have a few guides to obtains rewards laying around.)
I will take a look at your quest as soon as possible which should be today or tomorrow.
Yeah, I could tell who was talking, sorry about not being specific about that, it was the last set of dialog before the fight at the end. I was running through it with someone else and they pointed it out but the dialog got closed before I could take detailed notes.
I thought the sky looked fine, it's just that the walls are so tall that you only see a sliver of it at a time. Which makes it add less to the atmosphere than it might otherwise. I like the feel of the looming walls though. I just thought it would be good to make it a bit more...creepy I guess.
I would very much appreciate some more eyes on it. I've done just about all I can think of to it without more feedback.
I just ran through it. I thought it was very well designed, the area felt unique, and you did a good job in the costume editor.
There was one main issue I had, near the end, the guard captain fights with me, I thought he died at the start so it was a little confusing. Besides that, great job, I am looking forward to the next part, a little clarification on the guy at the end might also be nice.
Thanks, I figured there would be quite a few typos, I will get those fixed tomorrow.
As for Tashall the Shadowbound, he is a mortal, but he has been led to believe otherwise. Though he would be very hard to kill if Vlathis wasn't smart enough to get him crushed under a rather heavy rock.
The rope was an afterthought when I realized Vlathis didn't really have a good way out, I will change it to have the player give her the rope or something.
The dialogue scene with the two guards was so you could talk to both at the same time, there isn't really a good way to split that up, I will change it to an invisible wall and make the objective "Speak with the two Neverwinter guards" or something.
Thanks again for pointing out my typos, I never seem to notice them for some reason.
TYVM for checking it out.
I have the next chapter "done". Just polishing now. It will expand a lot on the Old Sage.
Going to run through the rest of yours tonight
I had a chance to run The Demonweb Game today, it brought back memories of the Demonweb in DDO, nice recreation with the limited tools for such a work. Nice followup to the previous story.
I did find a few things during my run ...
Brizax room - first time - there is a lamp o the east wall that is sticking out, in the middle of a painting.
- Brizax says he will open a portal and one appears, but seemed kind of simple. (Suggestion) Maybe have him disappear after the talk, reappear and walk over to where the portal spawns, then wave his arms, so it looks like he actually did something? Also, most portals don't just appear suddenly, out of nowhere, maybe a summoning circle or candles, something to make it look like it came from somewhere?
2nd map - I actually noticed this through out all of these trials, the webs are a little low and I had to jump 2-4 times to get up on the rocks. (suggestion) Raise the webs or lower the rocks.
- Portal is sunk in the ground partly and says "Press F to Go to Next Map"
3rd map - I fell through the webbing right next to the first platform, to the left, might be not quite close enough? It didn't kill me on the drop, so I had to /killme and rez to get back up top.
- 2nd island? 2 spiders, 1 is partly in the rock, it can't move or attack, but can be killed.
- second set of islands - eggs sacks floating off the ground
Last island - 2nd trial - Last mob is a pita, he knocks you face down and sometimes knocks you back, he knocked me off the platform, 2nd death.
Archmage - During the convo, he dies and a corpse appears, on top of the still living body.
Last trial - 5th wave - the Balor teleported? when it appear\ered, it ended up on the island behind me, partly stuck in the rock. I t couldn't move, but was still killable.
Brizax's room - last time - the door on the wall is buried in the wall, barely sticks out and looks broken in pieces because of it. Was still usable though.
Personal note, very long, many of the fights were challenging, used a large number of pots getting through the trials.
[1] Devils in the Sewer
[2] The Summoning
[3] Temple of the Winds
Clan Ravenclaw
Children's Babble
Solstice Academy
Thanks for the feedback.
The Archmage Traevou thing I have noticed several times but keep forgetting to fix, thanks for the reminder.
I will look at nerfing and removing some fights as it turned out to be longer than expected, I was worried about it being daily eligible but my worries seem to be false.
The Balor has never given me issues before, I will take a look at it though.
Did you happen to have a cat in one of your active slots, the fall should kill you if you don't but I will see if something glitched.
I didn't really have an issue with the number of fights, so much as some of them were just tough. I was in their quite a long time, but I think most of that was traversing the webs, that's actually a lot of walking.
**The Balor has never given me issues before, I will take a look at it though.**
I was on my HR and was firing as it was rising out of the ground, that is when it disappeared, then showed up on the island behind me. Never seen a encounter teleport that far before, so could be some sort of game glitch.
**Did you happen to have a cat in one of your active slots, the fall should kill you if you don't but I will see if something glitched. **
Ah ha, yep I did actually, he is almost max level, so had him out to get xp, completely forgot about it.
As a side note, I just remembered that when I was down at the bottom, there was loot scattered around, guessing it fell through the webbing. I walked around and picked it up before I nuked myself lol
[1] Devils in the Sewer
[2] The Summoning
[3] Temple of the Winds
Clan Ravenclaw
Children's Babble
Solstice Academy
I will replace the harder encounters with some easier ones. As I said, I was worried it wouldn't be long enough so I made harder fights in this quest then my others because of that. The next one should be easier. (The encounters are tough there too, but you get some help which makes it about the same difficulty as the first one.)
The Balor thing sounds like a glitch.
Yes, the cat does glitch the quest, you should die from the fall without one.
The loot probably can fall through webbing, there isn't really much I can do about that.
I had a chance to run The Shadowfell Fortress today.(sorry for the delay, family issues)
The story was interesting, the combat was smooth and the design of the maps were good. I liked the costume designs, added a lot to the overall theme.
About the only things I noted that took away from the setting, was the walls in the first map, there was a lot of shimmering, where they overlap. (suggestion) If you move one wall .001 it will stop the shimmering and there won't be a noticeable gap.
During the multi-room area, the teleports were inconsistent. Some were flat planes, some were orbs/spheres and a few were out in the hall about halfway, instead of up against the door. (I know teleports are a serious pita)
[1] Devils in the Sewer
[2] The Summoning
[3] Temple of the Winds
Clan Ravenclaw
Children's Babble
Solstice Academy
Thanks for playing it. The overlapping is something I have encountered in the past, but not with that quest. I will take a look and see if I can fix it.
Yes, the teleporters hated me while I was building this quest. I at one point had one that just randomly put me inside a wall, no matter where I actually put it. That is why there is a flat plane. The doors you are going through are actually available as teleporters, but they would not rotate the right way. I will see if I can get them to work better at some point.
The Shadowfell Disciples: NW-DEBISCCCR by @orangefiree
Overall: I liked the story and the depth to the lore you've created. This particular quest seems to need some detail work and some copy-editing. I left a starred review. I'd be happy to run this quest again and update my rating when you've made some updates.
General notes:
Needs more respawn points. Like...more. I think I saw one respawn point the entire quest. No, the fights aren't really hard enough to justify breaking them up more, but only seeing one camp-fire over 3? 4 maps? was a bit disconcerting.
There are several details that leave you wondering what's going on. The use of the 'interact' events on the floor, for instance. I'd recommend adding some more NPC's to talk to so you can include the expository narrative without it coming across as expository narrative.
The 'good place to leave rope' was baffling at first, then I just decided to get over it and move on. Except then it didn't come up again until you talked to the little girl, who you give MORE rope too. It's perfectly fine for the player to do something with rope, but the acquisition of rope should be included in the story.
example - "Thearous: [OOC]Handing you a length of heavy climbing rope:[/OOC] Here. Yer fer clamberin' 'round in caves! I don't have much for you, but this might come in handy."
It seemed that there were a lot of general details missing in the environments. There was nothing 'wrong', per se, with your maps; they just seemed empty.
Lastly, I'd strongly recommend that you use a word-processor, or even Google docs for your dialogue. Something that offers you grammar and spelling tools. The 'Advanced Dialog Editor' is a MASSIVE pain to do any editing in, and I'm far from perfect, so I don't judge typos and grammatical errors. I have included very detailed notes below, including grammatical suggestions.
Please understand that I do not consider myself a 'critic'. I'm not even going to claim to be right about everything. I simply offer suggestions in case others might find them useful. If my recommendations are not to your liking, you're welcome to disregard them.
I believe that you've already run both of my quests so I won't shill for that here. Please feel free to PM me with any questions/thoughts on my feedback.
SETTING - The Vision
++++++++++++
Details
++++++++++++
+Nice little vision room.
+Like the costume
++++++++++++
Dialogue
++++++++++++
Mysterious Figure: First Conversation
(Is there a reason his name has a period?)
Option: "I entered an inn, not a village, what is going on?"
"The planar assullt is what is going on! I can't make you do anything, Captain Nerthos, but unless you get out there and fight we are doomed. You are the only combat capable person here, besides me!"
consider (contractions can be used to emote, in dialogue, haste.)
"The planar assault is what's going on! I can't make you do anything, Captain Nerthos, but unless you get out there and fight, we're doomed. Besides me, you're the only combat capable person here!"
Option: "First of all, my name is not Nerthos. Secondly, there is no vilage here."
consider
"First of all, my name is not Nerthos. Secondly, there is no village here."
Option: "First of all, my name is not Nerthos. Secondly, there is no village here."
"You mean to tell me you don't see the vilage of Nourphsan? The portals are opening now and if don't have a potion to cure your blindness it looks like we are all doomed, unless..."
consider
"You mean to tell me you don't see the village of Nourphsan? The portals are opening now! If you don't have a potion to cure your blindness, it looks like we're all doomed. Unless..."
Option: "Unless what? I wake up?"
"Get the vilagers, I will close the portals! Don't wait for me!"
consider
"Get the villagers, I will close the portals! Don't wait for me!"
Option "Wait, you need to explain more! What is going on? Where are the vilagers?"
consider
"Wait, you need to explain more! What is going on? What villagers?"
Interact - Ground "Press x to Call the mysterious figure"
consider
"Press x to Call the Mysterious Figure" (it was shown as his name, and what you know him as)
SETTING - The Inn. (don't think it needs a period)
++++++++++++
Details
++++++++++++
+Like the costumes
-Big empty rooms are a downer.
-Consider having you, instead, wake up in your already rented Inn room, after a nights sleep (during which you have the vision). The dwarf guy can walk in and be waking you up. This makes the scenario a little more manageable in terms of having a nicely detailed area, cause it's a lot less work to detail a small room than a whole inn. It also removes the need for the 'Innkeeper'. He can go away.
++++++++++++
Dialogue
++++++++++++
Objective: "Speak to the Guard Captains" (I could only find one.)
Guard Captain Thearous - First conversation
Option: "I...I am all right. Thanks though."
"Alright enough to take on another adventure perhaps?"
consider
"Alright enough to take on another adventure, perhaps?"
Option: "Well, I had a vision when I walked in the door. I talked to a mysterious figure who called me Nerthos."
"Well I be stumped on that one. It probably was just a vision, caused by some vile witch ,if I may take a guess. But I should continue, a tribe of normally peaceful goblin mystics, well, peaceful for goblins at any rate, has grown increasingly violent."
consider
"Well, I be stumped on that one. It probably was just a vision caused by some vile witch; if I may take a guess. But I should continue: a tribe of normally peaceful goblin mystics -- well, peaceful for goblins at any rate -- has grown increasingly violent."
Option: "Continue then. Are you sure you shouldn't use one of your men for this?"
"All of me men are preoccupied, I already told ye. These goblin mystics have been attacking and are begining to pose a serious threat, they need to be eliminated!"
consider ('preoccupied' and 'already occupied' do not mean the same thing)
"All of me men are occupied, I already told ye. These goblin mystics have been attacking, and are begining to pose a serious threat. They need to be eliminated!"
Option "Just show me where the money making opportunity is then"
consider
"Just show me where the money making opportunity is, then"
Option "Just show me where the money making opportunity is then"
"There is a canyon north of here, there are some goblins in it but the leader is in a cave,"
consider
"There is a canyon north of here. There are some goblins in it, but the leader is in a cave."
Option "No time to waste then."
consider
"No time to waste, then."
SETTING - The Goblin Path
++++++++++++
Details
++++++++++++
+I like the corridor feel of the path.
-I suddenly have rope! Oops, dropped it.
-I would REALLY like to see more detail touches. A couple barricades, some turned over - maybe burning - carts, broken barrels, trash, debris from rock-slides or boulders the goblins used to drop on people. It all feels very spare. This is the pass to their home! They defend this with their lives and are on regular patrol! There are obviously a lot of skeletons around, but where is the other evidence of battle?
-Consider angling the cave entrance so the grass doesn't overlap the opening.
++++++++++++
Dialogue
++++++++++++
Interaction... place to leave rope.
"A good place to leave rope" (I don't have any context for this, and it's confusing. Would be good to integrate this into the story earlier.)
SETTING - The Goblin Caves
++++++++++++
Details
++++++++++++
+Good use of a map space, digging the skull/bones and darkness feel.
+I like the waterfall dropping into the pit of all consuming darkness and sorrow.
+I like the explosives!
-Maybe add a respawn point before the open chasms of merciless death.
-For the 'RUN' objective, add more effects. There's no real sense of urgency given to the command.
++++++++++++
Dialogue
++++++++++++
Interact - rock
Failure message "Maybe the goblins have somthing to break this rock."
consider
"Maybe the goblins have something to break this rock."
Reach Point - System message
"These goblins are transforming thier prisoners into mindless servants!"
consider
"These goblins are transforming their prisoners into mindless servants!"
Press x to interact message in room with four pillars.
Interact - Floor
"Whatever the goblins did to the prisoners completely destroyed thier minds."
consider
"Whatever the goblins did to the prisoners completely destroyed their minds."
Interact - Invisible wall
"Press x to interact"
"[OOC]You see what appears to be the leader of these goblins in the room ahead, keeping watch over a young captive."
consider
"[OOC]You see, what appears to be, the leader of the goblins in the room ahead. He's keeping watch over a young captive."
"You don't know what we are even do you?"
consider
"You don't know what we are even, do you?"
"You don't know what we even are, do you?"
"You don't even know what we are, do you?"
Option: "Who are you, and what do you mean you serve the Shadowfell."
consider
"Who are you, and what do you mean you serve the Shadowfell?"
Option: "Who are you, and what do you mean you serve the Shadowfell."
"Submit to the chosen of shadows or die!"
consider ('Chosen of Shadows' sounds very much like a title.)
"Submit to the Chosen of Shadows or die!"
Press x to interact
"This large alter to the Shadowfell was probably used to summon shadows and commune with other creatures of the Shadowfell"
consider
"This large alter was probably used to summon shadows; and commune with other creatures of the Shadowfell"
Captive - First conversation
Option: "So you are the reason the goblin leader is currently crushed under a boulder?
"It was easy,.He was distracted so I just threw the explosive I took from the goblin demolitionist dragging me here earlier at that boulder and crushed the goblin. I had been looking at that boulder for the last day hoping it didn't fall on me."
consider
"It was easy. I took an explosive from the demolitionist while he was dragging me here earlier. You distracted the leader, so I just threw the explosive at that boulder. I've been worrying about that thing for the past day. I knew it was loose, I've just been hoping it didn't fall on me."
Option: "So, are you the only survivor?"
"There were some other prisoners back where you came from, I was taken here because they decided I was too weak to serve them and would be better used as a 'link to the mortal realm' whatever that means."
consider
"There were some other prisoners, back where you came from. I was brought here because they decided I was too weak to serve them, and more valuable as a 'link to the mortal realm'. Whatever that means."
Option: "You are lucky. I met those other prisoners, they had been turned into mindless abominations and attacked me."
consider
"You're lucky. I met those other prisoners; they had been been turned into mindless abominations who attacked me."
Option: "You are lucky. I met those other prisoners, they had been turned into mindless abominations and attacked me."
"Please, make the goblins and thier leader pay for this!"
consider
"Please, make the goblins and their leader pay for this!"
Option: "You crushed the leader under a rock, remember, The rest of the goblins I encountered are already dead."
consider
"You crushed the leader under a rock, remember? The rest of the goblins that I encountered are already dead."
Option: "You crushed the leader under a rock, remember, The rest of the goblins I encountered are already dead."
"No, their real leader. He isn't a goblin, he looks human, but with weird metal things sticking out of his face, and gray skin."
consider
"No, their real leader. He isn't a goblin. He looks human, but with gray skin and weird metal things sticking out of his face."
"No, their real leader. He isn't a goblin; at least he looks human. But... with gray skin and weird metal things sticking out of his face."
Option: "What you are describing sounds like a shadar-kai. But, how do I get to him? The room is sealed off."
consider
"What you're describing sounds like a Shadar-kai... but how do I get to him? The room is sealed off."
Option: "What you are describing sounds like a shadar-kai. But, how do I get to him? The room is sealed off."
"Somehow the goblins are using that portal to reach this 'Shadar-kai' leader."
consider
"Somehow, the goblins are using that portal to reach this... 'Shadar-kai'."
Option: "Thanks for the help. I don't think I got your name, and if I don't I will probably need more information from you later. (Give her your name.)"
I don't know what to do here, but I'd seriously consider re-writing the above. I'm not sure who the subject of this dialogue option is. It's hard to tell if it's the captive asking this, or if it's the player asking the captive for her name.
Making it to the next dialogue point it's confirmed that the PLAYER is asking the captive for her name, and preemptively introducing themselves.
I'd recommend adding the following to the preceding dialogue.
"[OOC]You realize that you should ask the little girl for her name, in case it's needed later.[/OOC]"
Option: "Look, your help with this goblin was appreciated but there won't always be a loose rock to crush enemies with, and you don't have any more explosives. You will be safer in Protector's Enclave."
consider
"Look, while your help with this goblin was appreciated, there won't always be a loose rock hanging around to crush enemies. Besides, you don't have any more explosives. You would be safer in Protector's Enclave."
Option: "Look, your help with this goblin was appreciated but there won't always be a loose rock to crush enemies with, and you don't have any more explosives. You will be safer in Protector's Enclave."
"Just kill that Shadar-kai, don't let these goblins kill anyone else."
consider
"Just kill that Shadar-kai, and don't let these goblins kill anyone else."
=== ( I HAVE MORE ROPE! ) === (I still don't know where the rope came from, or why I brought it with me.) ===
Reach Point - Objective
System message: "The Shadowfell! The portal took you too the shadowfell."
consider
"The Shadowfell! The portal took you to the Shadowfell."
System message: "The leader and several other shadar-kai emerge from the shadows to fight.
consider
"The leader and several other Shadar-Kai emerge from the shadows to fight."
SETTING - The Inn Part Deux
++++++++++++
Details
++++++++++++
-Soooo alone...
-I would very, very strongly recommend changing this flow up. If this were done from the perspective of your room in the hotel it wouldn't take very long at all to detail it. You could even just grab any small 'Human dwelling - indoor' and hit the 'populate' button.
++++++++++++
Dialogue
++++++++++++
Invisible wall - interact
"Thearous and another well armed Neverwinter guard stand in front of you, it seems the portal worked
Thearous: Well i'll be, I thought ye'd return, but not through any of that magic nonsense."
consider
"[OOC]Thearous, and another well-armed Neverwinter guard, stand in front of you. It seems that the portal worked![/OOC]
Thearous: Well I'll be! I figgered ye'd return! Just... not through any of that magic nonsense."
Option: "There was a portal there that took me back, I will explain more later. First, would you mind telling me about the Shadar-kai I encountered and your friend here?"
consider
"There was a portal there that brought me back- I'll explain more later. First, would you mind telling me about the Shadar-kai I encountered? And who's your friend here?"
Option: "There was a portal there that took me back, I will explain more later. First, would you mind telling me about the Shadar-kai I encountered and your friend here?"
"Thearus: Aye, my friend here be Nerthos, I thoght ye would like speak with him. I be stumped on the shadar-key bit though.
Nerthos: You said the portal was opened by someone, who did this?"
consider (STORY POINT - Nowhere in the dialogue does the player actually say that someone opened a portal, just that there was one. A person might naturally extrapolate that someone would have NEEDED to open it, but "You said the portal was opened by someone" is not accurate and seems off.)
"Thearous: Aye, my friend here be Nerthos, I thought ye would like to speak with him. I be stumped on the Shadar-kai (Shadar-key?) bit though.
Nerthos: You said the portal was opened by someone. Who did this?"
Option: "It appeared to just be a projection of someone, however, they mentioned Nourphsan, just like the person in my vision. Have you heard of this place."
consider
"It appeared to be just a projection of someone. However, they mentioned Nourphsan, just like the person in my vision. Have you heard of this place?"
Option: "It appeared to just be a projection of someone, however, they mentioned Nourphsan, just like the person in my vision. Have you heard of this place."
"Nerthos: I am afraid so, Nourphsan used to be a vilage but portals opened in it, me and my friend Graethear were the only people armed at the time. We could not hold off the planar armies ourself, so hed held them off alone while I evacuated the vilagers. The portals closed but he was never seen again."
consider
"Nerthos: I'm afraid so. Nourphsan used to be a village, but portals opened in it. My friend Graerthear and I were the only people armed at the time. We couldn't hold off the planar armies ourselves, so he stalled them while I evacuated the villagers. The portals closed, but he was never seen again."
Option: "Whoever I saw said Graethear shortly after the word name, is it possible that your friend is alive, but trapped."
consider (I'm honestly and completely lost with this one. What I've offered is complete conjecture based on context. Even with the emphasis I've added, I'm still not sure what this is supposed to mean.)
"Whoever I saw said 'Graethear' shortly after the word 'name'. Is it possible that your friend is alive, but trapped?"
Option: "Whoever I saw said Graethear shortly after the word name, is it possible that your friend is alive, but trapped."
"Nerthos; I would love it if that was actually the case, but if he is trapped, then where is he trapped?
Thearous: Ye remember that wizard we met a while back, the one who was obsessed with rewards? Brizax I think his name was, I hate to admit it but he may be useful right now.
Nerthos: Yes, I remember Brizax, I hear he defeated a lich with the help of an adventurer recently and has gained even more overconfidence. He lives a little ways out of Protector's Enclave, you should go speak with him [Nickname]."
consider
"Nerthos: I would love it if that were actually the case. But, if he IS trapped, then where?
Thearous: [OOC]As though a sudden inspiration struck, he turns to Nerthos.[/OOC] Ye remember that wizard we met a while back? The one who was obsessed with rewards? Brizax I think his name was. I hate to admit it, but, he may be useful right now.
Nerthos: Yes, I remember Brizax. I hear he defeated a lich with the help of an adventurer recently. I also hear that he has become even more overconfident. [OOC]Turning to address you.[/OOC] He lives a little ways out of Protector's Enclave, you should go speak with him [Nickname]."
Thanks for playing it. I will take a look at adding you suggestions to the quest.
I thought I removed the rope objective when I put the in Vlathis's dialogue. It seems I forgot that part.
The speak with the guard captains I must have put in the wrong objective, that should be at the end only.
Everyone gets confused by this, but the caves is actually one map with teleporters. (Including the Shadowfell part.)
I've run into that issue several times myself, "Wait...that's still there!?"
I actually thought, when it first happened, that it must be an inside-joke. Something from table-top RP with your friends or something like that. I just couldn't figure out what it might be, and so was... sad.
"Something, cave-diving, goblins, don't forget the rope!"...yeah, I'm sadly not a comedian.
Then I'd say you did a remarkable job with the budgets over the course of one map to have as much there as there is.
Just for the sake of argument, you might be better off chopping that map in half. You'd have more budget to play with, managing details, objectives, dialogue, etc is much easier when there's less, in aggregate, of it.
I'm going to run it again today and revise my review.
Thanks, I just spent several hours adding your ideas as well as a few of my own. The inn I intend to add more detail to but I need a break for now. I thought about your idea but I thought it would be weird to have Thearous walking into my room, and downright creepy if he was still there when I got back, and brought Nerthos in as well. So for now, I am just going to try to add more detail to that map. (There should be doors on the sides, they seem to be glitching, I will see if I can fix that first.)
First, some typoes I noticed:
-The mysterious figure says 'Assult', which I think should be assault. :P
-When talking to the guard captain witches curse should be witches' curse
Actual comments:
Areas are interesting, albeit repetitive. Let's just say that a certain detail gets slightly too much action. :P
The rock explosion thing was nice. I'd comment on the lack of 'BOOM' in the explosion, but as a fellow author I am painfully aware of the criminal lack of proper explosion effects in the foundry.
'How expected'? Thaaat seems a bit off. I'd put in 'unsurprising' if I were you.
I don't know if it's just me, but I haven't had any music through the whole adventure.
Although I personally don't really know how to fix it, the scene where the goblin chief-dude casts his big spell seems a bit odd.
I don't know of any timers or something like that myself which you could use to turn that big spell into an actual threat, but It took me a while to realize that the fight was over and I had to run and by then I had been standing around doing nothing next to him for too long for the whole thing to seem... well, threatening. Maybe add some creepy sound effects or have a whole lotta' mobs come out of nowhere until you run away?
Very nice use of invisible walls to bypass the inflexible conversation interface, although it was a bit confusing at first.
Final Rating: 4/5.
An above-average adventure with solid combat, although it does need quite a lot of polish in some areas.
Chapter One - A Construct's Prison: NW-DMSU8OJTV
Chapter Two - Raggyon: NW-DGIZVSQPU
Based on your notes, you are actually playing "The Shadowfell Disciples".
I have music in the entire quest I think. I can't really test is properly until I get my sound working, but it should be in there.
I will take a look at the big spell, I don't want to slaughter everyone who doesn't realize they are supposed to run either, it is a tough balance I guess. I looked for some creepy sound effects. As I mentioned though, I don't really know how creepy they are until I get my sound working.
The Shadowfell spikes were really one of the few things that actually made sense here, that is why they are used so much.
In the mean time, I thought I would give a little teaser for part of the update.
Copied from Zyraen's Comprehensive Guide to Enchanting: Nylrisa.
"The Nylrisa enchantment requires an extensive knowledge of enchanting to create. Correctly made, however, it can destroy even the most powerful opponents. It is recommended you supply it with several resources such as golems in order to get the best results. Nylrisa enchantments will need to be bound to at least one nearby arcane object in order to sustain itself. It is recommended you use several in case annoying intruders manage to destroy some during the battle. If you completed all of the above steps, you will need to supply with several 'Arcane Commands' for each action you wish for your Nylrisa enchantment to take. Once this is done, whatever property you need protected will be guarded from even the most powerful adventurers by an enchantment given a physical form."
- The first section was unexpected and I thought it was a good way to pique the player's interest. There's a possible typo in Mysterious Figure's dialogue: "Besides me you are the only combat capable person here, besides me!" - the "besides me" is repeated.
- The inn could use a good deal more detailing - it looks a little sparse at the moment. In Guard Captain Thearous's dialogue, there's a misplaced comma - "It probably was just a vision, caused by some vile witch ,if I may take a guess." Also, "begining to pose a serious threat" should read "beginning".
- I liked the initial goblin cave area - the effects for blowing up the boulder is a nice touch! The objectives on the goblin leader's spell was a good device, and I certainly didn't see the boulder coming! In Captive's dialogue "I took am explosive from the demolitionist" should be "an explosive", and the response "(Give her your name as well))" has one too many end-brackets.
- The red and white light in the final area works well and is visually interesting. I thought the last fight could be a little harder.
- For the debriefing dialogue, have you considered animating the characters? Not sure if that would be desirable, since I think you'd have to constantly spawn and despawn them. In Nerthos's dialogue, "vilage" and "vilager" should be "village" and "villager"; "so stalled them while I evacuated the vilagers" should be "so he stalled them".
Yes, the "besides me" was moved and I forgot to take the original out, I will get that fixed as soon as possible.
The inn I intended to do during the last major update but I somehow forgot to do that.
I will take a look at the last fight, it isn't supposed to be too hard though as it is just the envoy. The tough ending for this is in the not yet released part five "The Chosen Of The Planes". (Don't worry, the ending I have planned shouldn't be too hard, but it does use some guard/mob timer adds and a couple phases.)
Overall, I liked the designs for the areas. There were a few things that came to my attention, though.
1.) The Goblin Path: the rocks used at ground level at the edges of the canyon are good, but they all face the same directions and creates a very visible, and distracting pattern.
2.) The Teleporter from Tashall's boss area leaves you facing the wall, facing opposite where you are supposed to go.
3.) The final boss fight was much easier than the fight with Tashall. I don't know if that is by design, but it was a little anticlimactic. Especially with the nice buildup the Tashall fight had, and the way that fight ended. Maybe find a way to give some build up to the final boss and beef up that fight some more.
4.) Thearous says he's giving you a rope, and my wife and I were both surprised that no rope item was dropped in our inventory. Maybe drop that, even if there is no rope icon and you have to use a bag icon or something. Just say, "here is a bag with a rope in it," or something.
Other than that, I really liked the quest. I plan to play the others in the campaign this week. If you get a chance to play the other quests in my campaign, I would be very much interested in your opinion. Thanks for such a great, fun quest to play!
Campaign: The Creekside Chronicles NWS-DR2NAKVRN
Part 1: The Lost Children NW-DU2N4I5YN / Part 2 Evil In The Mines: NW-DNHIJFGAT
Part 3: No One Lives Forever NW-DHIOTYRQ3 / Part 4 Home Away From Home: NW-DSBY79LGB
Thanks for playing, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
1.) I will take a look at randomizing the rocks' rotation a little.
2.) Looks like I need to rotate that then.
3.) Yes, I have been getting feedback about it being easy from at least one other person as well. I will look at increasing the difficulty. It is easier then Tashall though? Tashall is one elite and four minions. The Envoy is one solo, three minions.
4.) I did that to save people's inventory space. I will consider adding it in though.
I will play the rest of your campaign as soon as possible, hopefully tomorrow or Wednesday.
1.) Brizax's House - The quest tells us to look around, but there isn't really much to look at. His house is very sparse, and it doesn't look like anyone lives there. The lack of decoration seems at odds with his very reward-obsessed personality.
2.) Why was it so easy to bring up a portal to the Demonweb Pits? It is supposed to be an extremely inaccessible area, so I would expect a bit more effort to be expended to get there.
3.) 1st Lolth conversation: "One more thing, a wizard and his apprentice... discover thier location." Should be their.
4.) "migh be able to burn these webs." Should be might.
5.) Area with sticky webbing to repair the torch: the egg sacks are floating off the ground.
6.) Maybe use the black fog settings for the background to have things fade out into the darkness as you get farther from them. My wife and I were in agreement that it was weird that we could see absolutely everything all the time.
7.) Maybe add rocks to hold up the webs blocking the path in the center instead of them hanging in midair.
8.) The Middle Portal: "The apprentice, have met, and saved." I wasn't sure what that meant. Who met and saved the apprentice?
9.) "Minions destroy this mortal." No minions appeared til a little later when we walked away to another area. I would suggest spawning an encounter right there when she says that.
10.) Overall, I think it needs more combat. There was more running than anything else and I felt like the fights were few and far between.
11.) Last Portal Area: Lava flow to the right needs to be lowered into the ground. The lava stops about a foot above the ground.
12.) Cannot jump more than half a foot off the ground, like their is an invisible ceiling above the characters. This made the Balor spawn in the floor, and he then teleported into the floor of the area we teleported in at.
13.) Without more combat, it seemed super easy. I liked what you were doing with the puzzles, but they were fairly straightforward without having to think about how to beat them, and there weren't any mobs to slow you down.
14.) Brizax's House at the end: "You are not keepign it for yourself?" Should be keeping.
15.) The exit door was partially in the wall.
Overall, I like where this is going. I think with some tweaks, this could be a pretty killer adventure. It was a nice addition to the story, and I can't wait to play The Shadowfell Fortress to see where it goes. Review and tipped.
Campaign: The Creekside Chronicles NWS-DR2NAKVRN
Part 1: The Lost Children NW-DU2N4I5YN / Part 2 Evil In The Mines: NW-DNHIJFGAT
Part 3: No One Lives Forever NW-DHIOTYRQ3 / Part 4 Home Away From Home: NW-DSBY79LGB
Thanks for playing. On the subject of the apprentice, it is supposed to say "you" in there.
Definitely something I need to get fixed as that is a pretty important part of the plot.
Edit: Ironically, it looks like I overdid my previous fixes a bit. The quest was actually packed with hard encounters in its initial launch. (Not stacked.) I toned it down a lot based on feedback, also, the spider part was a little more confusing back in the day before I added the Lolth's voice walls.