The Ballad of Gruumsh One-Eye (mild language)

myles08807

let's try again...

myles08807

(Originally written decades ago...one for the dwarven supremacists out there. Baruk Khazad!

Now, orcs are crude and stupid, true, and ugly and foul-smelling, too;
They got no manners, grace, or style, or looks: Gods, have you seen one smile?
The loping, limping way they run makes one fact clear to everyone:
Whene’er an orc feels any need to sprint, he ****s his pants for speed.

They fight like punch-drunk monkeys who have clearly lost a fight or two;
Their singing is, like all their arts, as pleasant as a dragon’s farts;
Their language likewise sounds as if a moose in heat fell off a cliff
But brays a last few mating calls as to his grisly death he falls.

These orcs do not bear all the blame for who they are: That lowest shame
Falls right on Gruumsh, their one-eyed god, behind whose footsteps all orcs plod.
Examples that this Gruumsh provides through stories and through priestly guides
Make orcs despised both far and near by all who see and smell and hear.

The legends say that Corellon, that pretty elven paragon,
He shot out Gruumsh’s other eye but Gruumsh that day refused to die.
Instead he charts the orcish course to plunge ahead with no remorse:
To look back, or from side to side, ‘tis not his style, it hurts his pride.

Now orcs and dwarves, too, share no love, but few now know the story of
The origin of this great feud and orcs’ dwarf-hating attitude.
So listen close and you shall hear of how Gruumsh came to rightly fear
The shout Moradin did uncork when facing off against that orc.

Moradin’s hammer, Grummsh’s spear, they swung and stabbed and came quite near,
As clouds of dust and smoke arose, to striking many telling blows.
But in the end the dwarf god’s ire did cause the orc god to retire
And limp at top speed from the field: To dwarven power, Gruumsh did yield.

Now, sadly, there’s no scar to see to mark Moradin’s victory
As plain as that one missing eye shot out by Corellon so spry.
But underneath his armor plating, Gruumsh has scars commemorating
How he did not tie or win his duel with mighty Moradin.

A man is born with two of many body parts, and so if any
Mischief should occur to one, he’s in distress, though not undone.
Moradin’s hammer soundly smacked a spot no man would see attacked:
You see, thanks to Moradin’s maul ol’ Gruumsh has only got one ball.