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The Star Trek Light Bulb Joke Thread.
my1alts2alt3
Member Posts: 176 Arc User
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb and another to defend the empty socket with a bat?leth.
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one. A Klingon would never display such dishonor by allowing someone else to help him with such a remedial task.
Q: How many KLINGONS does it take to change a light bulb ? A: None. Burned out light bulbs have NO honor. And a true Klingon Warrior is not afraid of the dark !
Q: What do the Klingons do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb? A: Execute him for cowardice.
Q: How many ROMULANS does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, the first one to change it and the second one to kill the first one and take all the credit.
Q: How many Remans does it take to change a light bulb. A: Nobody knows. The Remans use dim bulbs, live in the shadows, and have never been observed in the act of changing a bulb.
Q: How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? A. Can't be done. They keep sticking their fingers in the socket to feed.
Q: How many BORG does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Light bulbs are irrelevant. Changing them is futile.
Q: How many Ferengi does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to get the lightbulb at the lowest possible price, and one to sell the used bulb for as much as possible.
Q: How many Gorn does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one, but it takes tons of lightbulbs!
Q: How many Tammarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Darmok, cast into darkness; Temba, his arms wide; bring forth the sun!"
Q: How many CARDASSIANS does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four, because THERE...ARE...FOUR...LIGHTS...!!!
Q: How many BAJORANS does it take to change a light bulb ? A: The filthy Cardassians took our light bulb !
Q: How many Maquis does it take to change a light bulbs? A: The Maquis dont use light bulbs because it would lead the Cardisasians back to them.
Q: How many Prophets does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That is a corporeal matter.
Q: How many Pah-wraiths does it take to change a light bulb? A: The Pah-wraiths want the whole universe to be inside the light bulb when it is turned on.
Q: How many Founders does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as there needs to be.
Q: How many ODO's does it take to change a light bulb ? A: "I will change in to the light bulb."
Q: How many Jem'Hadar does it take to change a light bulb? A: "We are dead. Victory Is Light!"
Q: How many VULCANS does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Logic would dictate that it takes only a single individual to change a light bulb. However, a mind meld with the faulty bulb may provide some answers.
Q: How many TRILLS does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Both of them.
Q: How many BETAZIODS does it take to change a light bulb ? A: "I sense it has already changed."
Q: How many Q's does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Q holds the bulb and the universe spins around him.
Q: How many HORTAS does it take to change a light bulb ? A: "NO CHANGE I"
Q: What do you do with an old light bulb? A. Feed it to a Horta.
Q: How many TRIBBLES does it take to change a light bulb ? A: "1,561,772 .......uhh,62....,ummm,63......64......"
Q: How long does it take COMMANDER RIKER to TRIBBLE in a lightbulb? A: Never gonna happen, Riker's too busy TRIBBLE other things.
Q: How many KIRKs does it take to change a light bulb? A: "To all ships within hailing distance, we are about to execute the 'Light Bulb' manuver, this will result in a bright light that will hurt your eyes when you look at it."
Q: How many McCOYs does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not an electrician!"
Q: How many Voyager crew members does it take to TRIBBLE in a light bulb? A: Two - Seven and Chakotay. But they'll have to be really, really small.
Q: How many Redshirts does it take to change a light bulb? A: An infinite number, since they all die before completing the task.
Q: How many Federation Cadets does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five, but they disobey orders and fail chainging the most dangerous bulb, and one of them dies.
Q: How many Augments does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, he single-handledly changes all bulbs against incredible odds, and then gives himself up peacefully.
Q: How many PAKLEDS does it take to change a light bulb? A: Well, first they have to kidnap Geordi to make him tell them which way in the lightbulb is supposed to go........
Q: How many VIDIANS does it take to change a light bulb? A: They don't change it, they just graft on the parts they need from bulbs that still work.
Q: How many HOLODECK CHARACTERS does it take to change a light bulb? A: They ARE the light bulb. And the coffee table. And the door mat.
Q: How many Guardians of Forever does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Since before your sun burned in space, I have awaited that question."
Q: How many Hulkans does it take to change a light bulb? A: "We will never give you the light bulb, tho you may destroy us and take it from us."
Q: How many Andorians does it take to change a light bulb? A: They will only change the bulb if it is a joint venture with the Humans and the Vulcans.
Q: How many Aenar does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, the Aenar are blind and telepathic and dont need light bulbs.
Q: How many Tellarites does it take to change a light bulb? A: The bulb never gets changed because they are too busy arguing over whos responsibility it is the change the bulb.
Q: How many Companions does it take to change a light bulb? A: The man needs the bulb. I will create a bulb for the man.
Q: How many Organians does it take to change a light bulb. A: None, Organians glow in the dark, and in the shadows, and in full daylight.
Q: How many Tholians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Tholians are forever changing light bulbs since their vocal frequencies keep shattering the bulbs.
Q: How many Crystalline Entities doe it take to change a light bulb? A: Crystalline Entity fragments are BETTER than light bulbs, dangerous to harvest, and highly sought after.
Q: How many Deferi does it take to change a light bulb? A: The Deferi have no bulbs. The Deferi bulbs were given to them by The Preservers and stolen by the Breen.
Q: How many Breen does it take to change a light bulb? A: The Breen only use Preserver light bulbs that never need changing.
Q: How many Section 31 Operatives does it take to change a light bulb? A: "We think you are a good recruit for this task, but to be sure lets put you through this grueling test first."
Q: How many Voth does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Doctrine clearly states that the bulb originated in this sector of space. Do you disagree with Doctrine?"
Q: How many Kazon does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but he must die in the process to earn a name in death.
Q; How many Trabe does it take to change a light bulb? A: "As soon as we reclaim our bulbs from the Kazon, all our bulbs will be changed!"
Q: How many El-Aurians does it take to change a light bulb? A: "My name is Guinan, I tend bar and listen to what the bulb has to say."
Q: How many Tosk does it take to change a light bulb? A: With Honour, One. "Tosk's only purpose is to change the bulb before capture."
Q: How many Species 8472 does it take to change a light bulb? A:"The weak bulbs will perish".
Q: How many Xindi does it take to change a light bulb? A: First the Xindi must destroy the Terran light bulbs in the future to prevent the Xindi bulbs from being destroyed in the past.
Q: How many V'Ger does it take to change a light bulb? A: V'Ger doesnt want to change the bulb, V'Ger wants to merge with the bulb.
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one. A Klingon would never display such dishonor by allowing someone else to help him with such a remedial task.
Q: How many KLINGONS does it take to change a light bulb ? A: None. Burned out light bulbs have NO honor. And a true Klingon Warrior is not afraid of the dark !
Q: What do the Klingons do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb? A: Execute him for cowardice.
Q: How many ROMULANS does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, the first one to change it and the second one to kill the first one and take all the credit.
Q: How many Remans does it take to change a light bulb. A: Nobody knows. The Remans use dim bulbs, live in the shadows, and have never been observed in the act of changing a bulb.
Q: How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? A. Can't be done. They keep sticking their fingers in the socket to feed.
Q: How many BORG does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Light bulbs are irrelevant. Changing them is futile.
Q: How many Ferengi does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to get the lightbulb at the lowest possible price, and one to sell the used bulb for as much as possible.
Q: How many Gorn does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one, but it takes tons of lightbulbs!
Q: How many Tammarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Darmok, cast into darkness; Temba, his arms wide; bring forth the sun!"
Q: How many CARDASSIANS does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Four, because THERE...ARE...FOUR...LIGHTS...!!!
Q: How many BAJORANS does it take to change a light bulb ? A: The filthy Cardassians took our light bulb !
Q: How many Maquis does it take to change a light bulbs? A: The Maquis dont use light bulbs because it would lead the Cardisasians back to them.
Q: How many Prophets does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That is a corporeal matter.
Q: How many Pah-wraiths does it take to change a light bulb? A: The Pah-wraiths want the whole universe to be inside the light bulb when it is turned on.
Q: How many Founders does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as there needs to be.
Q: How many ODO's does it take to change a light bulb ? A: "I will change in to the light bulb."
Q: How many Jem'Hadar does it take to change a light bulb? A: "We are dead. Victory Is Light!"
Q: How many VULCANS does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Logic would dictate that it takes only a single individual to change a light bulb. However, a mind meld with the faulty bulb may provide some answers.
Q: How many TRILLS does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Both of them.
Q: How many BETAZIODS does it take to change a light bulb ? A: "I sense it has already changed."
Q: How many Q's does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Q holds the bulb and the universe spins around him.
Q: How many HORTAS does it take to change a light bulb ? A: "NO CHANGE I"
Q: What do you do with an old light bulb? A. Feed it to a Horta.
Q: How many TRIBBLES does it take to change a light bulb ? A: "1,561,772 .......uhh,62....,ummm,63......64......"
Q: How long does it take COMMANDER RIKER to TRIBBLE in a lightbulb? A: Never gonna happen, Riker's too busy TRIBBLE other things.
Q: How many KIRKs does it take to change a light bulb? A: "To all ships within hailing distance, we are about to execute the 'Light Bulb' manuver, this will result in a bright light that will hurt your eyes when you look at it."
Q: How many McCOYs does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not an electrician!"
Q: How many Voyager crew members does it take to TRIBBLE in a light bulb? A: Two - Seven and Chakotay. But they'll have to be really, really small.
Q: How many Redshirts does it take to change a light bulb? A: An infinite number, since they all die before completing the task.
Q: How many Federation Cadets does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five, but they disobey orders and fail chainging the most dangerous bulb, and one of them dies.
Q: How many Augments does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, he single-handledly changes all bulbs against incredible odds, and then gives himself up peacefully.
Q: How many PAKLEDS does it take to change a light bulb? A: Well, first they have to kidnap Geordi to make him tell them which way in the lightbulb is supposed to go........
Q: How many VIDIANS does it take to change a light bulb? A: They don't change it, they just graft on the parts they need from bulbs that still work.
Q: How many HOLODECK CHARACTERS does it take to change a light bulb? A: They ARE the light bulb. And the coffee table. And the door mat.
Q: How many Guardians of Forever does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Since before your sun burned in space, I have awaited that question."
Q: How many Hulkans does it take to change a light bulb? A: "We will never give you the light bulb, tho you may destroy us and take it from us."
Q: How many Andorians does it take to change a light bulb? A: They will only change the bulb if it is a joint venture with the Humans and the Vulcans.
Q: How many Aenar does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, the Aenar are blind and telepathic and dont need light bulbs.
Q: How many Tellarites does it take to change a light bulb? A: The bulb never gets changed because they are too busy arguing over whos responsibility it is the change the bulb.
Q: How many Companions does it take to change a light bulb? A: The man needs the bulb. I will create a bulb for the man.
Q: How many Organians does it take to change a light bulb. A: None, Organians glow in the dark, and in the shadows, and in full daylight.
Q: How many Tholians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Tholians are forever changing light bulbs since their vocal frequencies keep shattering the bulbs.
Q: How many Crystalline Entities doe it take to change a light bulb? A: Crystalline Entity fragments are BETTER than light bulbs, dangerous to harvest, and highly sought after.
Q: How many Deferi does it take to change a light bulb? A: The Deferi have no bulbs. The Deferi bulbs were given to them by The Preservers and stolen by the Breen.
Q: How many Breen does it take to change a light bulb? A: The Breen only use Preserver light bulbs that never need changing.
Q: How many Section 31 Operatives does it take to change a light bulb? A: "We think you are a good recruit for this task, but to be sure lets put you through this grueling test first."
Q: How many Voth does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Doctrine clearly states that the bulb originated in this sector of space. Do you disagree with Doctrine?"
Q: How many Kazon does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but he must die in the process to earn a name in death.
Q; How many Trabe does it take to change a light bulb? A: "As soon as we reclaim our bulbs from the Kazon, all our bulbs will be changed!"
Q: How many El-Aurians does it take to change a light bulb? A: "My name is Guinan, I tend bar and listen to what the bulb has to say."
Q: How many Tosk does it take to change a light bulb? A: With Honour, One. "Tosk's only purpose is to change the bulb before capture."
Q: How many Species 8472 does it take to change a light bulb? A:"The weak bulbs will perish".
Q: How many Xindi does it take to change a light bulb? A: First the Xindi must destroy the Terran light bulbs in the future to prevent the Xindi bulbs from being destroyed in the past.
Q: How many V'Ger does it take to change a light bulb? A: V'Ger doesnt want to change the bulb, V'Ger wants to merge with the bulb.
Post edited by my1alts2alt3 on
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Comments
Damn you beat me to it, mine was going to be:
Q:How many redshirts does it take to change a light bulb
A: FOR GODS SAKE DON'T TURN ON THE LIGHTS...
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Spock: I'm afraid there is insufficient data to accurately answer your question. If the bulb is a single bulb that unscrews from a small socket, one Vulcan should be sufficient. However, if it is a larger fluorescent bulb, a minimum of two Vulcans would be required. A third Vulcan on the ground would expedite the process, but two should be able to adequately replace the larger bulb. Furthermore, some starships are equipped with bulbs that are as long as the corridors in which they're installed. In those cases, the number of Vulcans required would depend on the available equipment--
Dr. McCoy: My God, man! It's just a joke!
Spock: I am sorry, Doctor. Was the question humorous?
Dr. McCoy: No, you green-blooded... no. The question isn't what's funny. The punchline is the funny part. The punchline is in the answer, not the question!
Spock: I see. Should I have provided this "punchline"?
Dr. McCoy: No! I give you the punchline!
Spock: I do not understand. You asked me a question. When you ask a question, logic suggests you expect me to provide an answer, and if the punchline resides in the answer, the only logical conclusion is that you expect me to provide the punchline.
Dr. McCoy: You're just supposed to say something like, "I don't know. How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?"
Spock: I do apologize, Doctor. I am unfamiliar with this particular human ritual. In answer to your question, I do not know. How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
Dr. McCoy: Forget it! The joke's ruined now.
Spock: I haven't heard the joke in its entirety yet, so I cannot make that assessment with any degree of accuracy.
Dr. McCoy: Go away, Spock.
Q: How many Gold Shirts does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five to come up with eight ways to not change the bulb and one to realize it screws back in reversing the motion.
Q: How many Blue Shirts does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, they'd all sit there arguing the morality of interfering with natural light cycles.
Q: How many Ferengi does it take to change a light bulb? A: Depends, how much are you willing to pay?
Q: How many Elachi does it take to change a light bulb? A: Elachi don't use bulbs, they use Romulan entrails.
Q: How many Solanae does it take to change a light bulb? A: Click, click, click, click, click, click, click... click.
And on that note.
Q: How many Terran Empire officers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Now that the bulb has been assassinated, we will all move up in rank and get a bigger share of the loot.
Janeway: As many as it takes, Mr. Paris!
Chakotay: Ahkoocheemoyah! I pray on this day of uncertainty to speak to my father. Father, I must know how many of us it will take to change this light bulb!
Tuvok: Logic would dictate that it takes only a single individual to change a light bulb. However, in order to achieve peak efficiency, I believe that a mind meld with the faulty bulb will provide some answers.
Paris: Why change the light bulb when we have our emergency beacons?
Torres: How many Star Fleet officers does it take! Oh, what...the Maquis suddenly aren't smart enough to change a damn light bulb!
Doctor: I'm a doctor, not an electrician!
Kim: I've never seen anything like it!
Tuvok: Mr. Kim, that is a comment we would prefer not to hear from a senior officer on the bridge. It makes the junior officers nervous.
Kim: Oh, and what have I been for the past seven years!
Janeway: Tuvok, Kim...shut up. Seven, what's your analysis? Can we change this light bulb?
Seven of Nine: Light bulbs are irrelevant.
Kes: Captain, the light bulb! I can sense its thoughts! It's dying, and I can't save it!
Neelix: Captain, I can tell you that crew morale is going to suffer if we don't get this light bulb changed!
Janeway: Yes, I know that, Mr. Neelix! But how do we change it, and how many of us will it take?
Kim: Hey, wait a minute! I know the answer!
Janeway and Torres: Warp particles!
Kim: No! Look see... it unscrews, and all I have to do is replicate another one and TRIBBLE it back in.
Seven of Nine: TRIBBLE is irrelevant.
Kim (changes light bulb): Wow! That was weird!
Janeway: Mr. Kim, we're Star Fleet officers! Weird is part of the job!
A; The problem's not on the players' side! It's the Developers' job and they're refusing to communicate with their player base, resulting in repeated demands for 'compensation' for time lost playing because the lights were out.
Q; How many STO Developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A; A whole team works on the project, but because BranFlakes is the spokesman, he's the poor sap who catches all the flak from players complaining about being in the dark.
^Words that every player should keep in mind, especially whenever there's a problem with the game...
TNG: The Change! With Geordi in charge, changing a light bulb should be a piece of cake. But when an unruly Ferengi ambassador and a malfunctioning holodeck interfere, Picard must cope with the crisis as only he can.
DS9: Beacon Of Hope! A spatial anomaly and fluorescent light spell trouble for Sisko and his crew. Odo is hot on the trail of a master criminal bulb, but with time running out they may all soon walk with the Prophets.
VOY: Illumination! Alone in the Delta Quadrant. Weakened by a Kazon attack. Janeway and her crew are about to face their greatest challege ever: a burned out light bulb. Can they change it, or will they be doomed to darkness?
ENT: Radiant Orb! Vulcans on one side, Andorians on the other, and a broken bulb in the middle. A light bulb mining colony may hold the solution for Archer -- but only if Hoshi can decipher their strange alien language.
A: Before they leave the factory they each get two test tickles.
It's so true. :P
Q: How many Voporaks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, just one, any one from any time period. I'll just create a temporal anomaly that brings the bulb back from when it was working.
A: None they just reverse the polarity of the bulb.
Parallels: my second mission for Fed aligned Romulans.
When auditioning for the part of the holographic doctor, Robert Picardo was asked to say the line "Somebody forgot to turn off my program". He did so, then ad-libbed "I'm a doctor, not a light bulb" and got the part.
A visiting admiral approached Chekov's station on the ENTERPRISE. Thinking he would test the young officer, he asked, "What would you do if the weapons officer suddenly got his head blown off?"
"Nothing, sir."
"Why nothing?"
"Because I'm the weapons officer, sir."
A young man was applying to join Starfleet:
"Where were you born?" asked the recruiting officer.
"Earth, sir."
"What part?"
"All of me, sir."
Q: Why can't Klingon kids play in sandboxes?
A: Cats keep trying to cover them up.
Q: How do you get a one-armed Packled out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
Q: Have you read the book "The Positronic Brain"?
A: It's by: Anne Droid
Q: Have you read the book "Chekov: The Navigator"?
A: It's by: I. Kiptin
Q: Why did the Borg cross the road?
A: Because it assimilated the chicken!
Q: What do you call it when that Strategic Operations Officer on DS9 runs as fast as he can?
A: Worf Speed.
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Do you know how to keep a trekkie in suspense?
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Do you really want to know?
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A: "We're Number One! We're Number One!"
Q: Why are Gates McFadden (Dr. Crusher), Michael Dorn (Lieutenant Worf), and Marina Sirtis (Counselor Troi) similar?
A: Because one's a dock, one's a wharf, and one's a marina.
It's a caaake!!
What did Senator Vreenak say when his dinner arrived?
It's a steaaak!!
What did Senator Vreenak say when found some dandruff?
It's a flaaake!!
As long as you need him to, baby.
"Your old lightbulb has failed. A fitting end for those who would not share their technology. Let us see how you survive without it..."
How many Xindi does it take to change a lighbulb?
"Trying to change a lightbulb is like bargaining with the sun. We make no progress, and we come away burned".
How many Borg does it take to change a light-bulb?
"We are the Borg. Lightbulbs are irrelevant. Changing them is futile. Sunlamps are more efficient. Sunlamps will be assimilated. Their technological distinctiveness will be added to our own. Resistance is futile.
How many Bajorans does it take to change a lightbulb?
"We walk the path of the Prophets. Have faith my child, as we undertake this journey and change this lightbulb....what's this?!....the Cardassians have stolen our light-bulb!"
How many Cardassians does it take to change a light-bulb?
"Loyal Cardassians, today I make this pledge to you. With our superior culture and military strength, we can and will change this lightbulb. So, loyal Cardassians, follow me to victory. For my son, for all our sons!
(LATER):
...We deny all involvement in this plan; it was a lone renegade officer found changing your bulb and he will be punished".
How many Risians does it take to change a light-bulb?
"All that is ours is yours. ..... ....Can we borrow a lighbulb?"
How many Tamarians does it take to change a light-bulb?
"The lightbulb, extinguished. Darmok, in darkness. Darmok at Ikea. Jalad at Ikea. 50% reductions at Ikea. Darmok and Jalad, Uzani, his army at Lashmir! Darmok, with the lightbulb! The light restored.
(I don't know. I'm asking to see what sort of bad jokes this suggestion inspires.)
Shaka! When the bulbs burned out!
"Hah! You are doomed! You're only armed with that pathetic excuse for a musical instrument!!!" *the Savage Beast moments before Lonnehart the Bard used music to soothe him... then beat him to death with his Fat Lute*
But just wait until the "Upgrade Starbase Lighting Apparatus" project.
What does Senator Vreenak say when walking the aisle of the local yard care store?
It's a raaaake!!
What does Senator Vreenak say when seeing an unfamiliar factory?
What do they maaaaake???
What did Senator Vreenak say shortly before Garak's handiwork kicked in?
I hope it's a nice waaaaaaake!!!!!
Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaken not stirred.
A: It's a flaaake!
Q: What did Senator Vreenak order for dinner at Quark's?
A: "I'd like a burger, fries, and a shaaake!"
Q: What does Senator Vreenak use when cleaning his lawn?
A: He uses a raaake!
Q: What did Senator Vreenak say when he met Sisko's son?
A: "And you must be Jaaake!"
Q: What does Senator Vreenak do after a hard day's work of plotting?
A: He taaakes a breaaak!