Literary Challenge #51 Discussion Thread

pwebranflakes · October 2013

Literary Challenge #51 : The Brig

This is the comments thread for Literary Challenge #51 : The Brig.
We also have an Index of previous challenges HERE.

Feel free to link directly to the entry you are commenting on. And please remember: we're not here to tear each other up. Do not troll your fellow Captains, give feedback! Let the others know what you liked and disliked. Maybe they can even go back then and tweak their entries!

Let's get those creative juices flowing! :cool:

ambassadormolari · October 2013

Oooooh, I so know what I'm going to write for this.

It's been too long since I wrote something from the Romulan perspective.

thay8472 · October 2013

Setall - "You have annoyed me for the last time Tovan"

marcusdkane · October 2013

This would fit quite nicely with an idea I've been bouncing around for a few weeks. I'll think a bit on it, and see what else presents itself... Really looking forward to seeing what others come up with :cool:

grylak · October 2013

Oh, this is similar to a story I had in mind. One Night: Bosip's Defiance.

Which, as you may be able to tell by the One Night part of the title, is the same night as Emony's choice. But, I don't think I'm quite ready for writing that story just yet. And since the Sentinel doesn't have a Brig anymore (or anything else for that matter!) I think a jaunt to my Klingon officer is in order. He hasn't been seen since the New York one anyhoo.

wonvertu · October 2013

Ok Bran, you have your first yarn to read. I think I got everything in order.

takeshi6 · October 2013

Interesting challenge this time around.

I'll need to see if I can come up with anything--Drawing blanks at the moment, but I'm sure something will come to me...

willvoy74 · October 2013

I put in my story too

Its my first post on the STO forums, but I think you'll enjoy reading it

wonvertu · October 2013

willvoy74 wrote: »

I put in my story too Its my first post on the STO forums, but I think you'll enjoy reading it

It played out well I think.

jonsills · October 2013

willvoy74 wrote: »

I put in my story too Its my first post on the STO forums, but I think you'll enjoy reading it

Verrry interesting. Good characterization, and an intriguing plot. I think the Temporal Investigation guys will conclude it's a predestination paradox - if the officer hadn't done what he did, history would have been different. The current timeline would require that he take the Kyon through that vortex and trigger the war.

There are quite a large number of issues with spacing, punctuation, and grammar, but the story itself stands.

willvoy74 · October 2013

jonsills wrote: »

Verrry interesting. Good characterization, and an intriguing plot. I think the Temporal Investigation guys will conclude it's a predestination paradox - if the officer hadn't done what he did, history would have been different. The current timeline would require that he take the Kyon through that vortex and trigger the war.

There are quite a large number of issues with spacing, punctuation, and grammar, but the story itself stands.

Yeah, I'm not that good with some of the actual writing side but I'm good with stories. It comes from watching too much Doctor Who and Star Trek!

Plus I like to play with time travel. And thanks

takeshi6 · October 2013

jonsills wrote: »

Verrry interesting. Good characterization, and an intriguing plot. I think the Temporal Investigation guys will conclude it's a predestination paradox - if the officer hadn't done what he did, history would have been different. The current timeline would require that he take the Kyon through that vortex and trigger the war.

There are quite a large number of issues with spacing, punctuation, and grammar, but the story itself stands.

Of course, Temporal Investigations hates Predestination Paradoxes... and 'time' jokes.

gulberat · October 2013

I've got nothing for this, I'm afraid. :-/

sander233 · October 2013

Oh, I could take this down to so many dark places that are just begging to be explored. Where to start...

I like what I've read so far!

@wonvertu - I think your story would be improved if you don't tell us how it's going to end right at the beginning. It's sort of counter-intuitive if you're writing it as an actual log entry, in which case you want to explain what happened, then get into how and why. It doesn't make for good story flow though. That's why a lot of LC authors (myself included) try to write outside of a self-contained "Captain's" log, either opening with an entry to establish place and purpose and springboard into the story itself, use a log entry to wrap it all up at the end. Or both.

@allen1973 - you really need to use paragraph breaks to get away from the wall-of-text effect. I'm sure there's a good story there, but it's difficult to read it. Also, your afterthought post discussing your story belongs in this thread, not the story thread.

@chivalrybean - chuckles. With all of the family ties amongst my various characters I'm surprised something similar hasn't come up in my own writing.

wraithshadow13 · October 2013

14891 characters, my longest yet. this is one of those stories i've had planned, but never writen, for a long while as an episode. Hopefully it's enjoyable to read!

marcusdkane · October 2013

wraithshadow13 wrote: »

14891 characters, my longest yet. this is one of those stories i've had planned, but never writen, for a long while as an episode. Hopefully it's enjoyable to read!

Very enjoyable :cool: Only two points of critique:

Incidents like this might force Donovan to mentally reclassify Wraith, and realise that he can no longer think of him as a boy (

) as he certainly seems to realise that they have a genetically engineered murder machine on their hands...

From my research on Andorian biology, I believe that losing an antennae would have taken ErhAb out of the fight completely, and been an incapacity too great to overcome and simply 'power through'...

Other than those tiny points, I loved it :cool: Awesome descriptions, nice scenarios and excellent pacing, it was a very good entry :cool:

grylak · October 2013

To be fair, I had Talaina loose her antenna and although it made her collapse in pain, she was able to get herself together enough to keep fighting a little, even if her fighting was severly reduced. Where did you hear loosing an antenna puts them out of the fight completely?

I enjoyed the Wraith story. I still picture him in my head as one of the Wraith fromStargate Atlantis, instead of a young Vulcan boy. Doesn't help that I'm watching that series again. That was a nice result at the end for what caused it, and who said there wasn't a Klingon (or three) around when you need one?

I will not be entering this one. I don't feel like I have any strong ideas for it.

marcusdkane · October 2013

grylak wrote: »

To be fair, I had Talaina loose her antenna and although it made her collapse in pain, she was able to get herself together enough to keep fighting a little, even if her fighting was severly reduced. Where did you hear loosing an antenna puts them out of the fight completely?

According to Memory Alpha:

Andorians had two supercranial antennae that aided in balance. If one was lost a a humiliating experience - an Andorian became partially disabled in the short term. The loss makes them lose their sense of balance, and unable to fight, but could adapt to its loss within a day.

Other sources of varying levels of canonicity (if that's even a word...

) have similar variations on the theme that while the loss of an antennae is recoverable, and adaptable to, it is a wound which is immediately incapacitating in the short-term, causing deafness, loss of balance, and I believe I read, loss of color vision as well... Sources also say that when injured, Andorians have a tendency to go into shock quickly. They are much more durable and hardier than their appearance belies, but when injured, they are more greatly affected than say a Klingon or a Vulcan might be, hence my thought that the loss of an antennae would have put ErhAb immediately out of the fight...

wraithshadow13 · October 2013

From what i've seen and read, it seems more like having an inner ear problem. Yes, you'll lose balance and a little coordination, but hey should be able to adjust in a day or two. As for Lehla, she doesn't really get to fight as well as she normally would, but she's still a skilled fighter. That's also why i made sure to clarify that she was pretty messed up already before making a lunge and even missing her intended target.

This kind of felt like a season finale i guess, wrapping up a story arc that spanned for many episodes. I debated doing a little fan service by making it Krotious' ship, but the ending wouldn't have worked as well.

Still though, perhaps you're right and i'll need to find new terms to call Wraith by. Either way, i have a lot to consider when writing the next challenge, like what will be the next season wide issue

marcusdkane · October 2013

wraithshadow13 wrote: »

From what i've seen and read, it seems more like having an inner ear problem. Yes, you'll lose balance and a little coordination, but hey should be able to adjust in a day or two. As for Lehla, she doesn't really get to fight as well as she normally would, but she's still a skilled fighter. That's also why i made sure to clarify that she was pretty messed up already before making a lunge and even missing her intended target.

This kind of felt like a season finale i guess, wrapping up a story arc that spanned for many episodes. I debated doing a little fan service by making it Krotious' ship, but the ending wouldn't have worked as well.

Still though, perhaps you're right and i'll need to find new terms to call Wraith by. Either way, i have a lot to consider when writing the next challenge, like what will be the next season wide issue

I have to admit, I can't really think of a Human comparison, as any injury which would have a similar effect, would require massive head trauma, and likely be fatal in itself

The closest I can think of, is maybe a guy getting hit really hard in the family jewels, and put down for a good few minutes. It didn't detract from the story at all, I was just making the observation about Andorians. In the same way, someone once had their Andorian captain being uncomfortable in the command chair, and I pointed out that the reference material says that Andorians don't suffer cramp/stiffness from prolonged inactivity like Humans do. Not to be critical, just to make awareness of consistency

I really liked the explanation for Wraith's mood swings. I'd just say let the captain see the situation of Wraith's evolution, and his viewpoint will (and already seems to be) shift(ing) and it'll just come through naturally for you

Really looking forward to the next season :cool:

sander233 · October 2013

So, as soon as I saw the title for this one I new I had something good for it. The only question was which LaRoca I was going to write about. My first thought was to do a blast from the past and bring in Papa Carlos, but then I decided it would be better to work that into a series of stories set in that Dominion War timeframe. My next thought was Jesu after the "Bismark Incident" (which got referenced in "Sins of the Fathers: Ep. 4") But then Rusty walked in and dropped a bombshell on my lap. I love it when my characters do that.

Please enjoy "Against the Wall"

Starring (in order of appearance: )

Josh Hartnett as the voice of Lt. jg. LaRoca Rusty
Cam Gigandet as PO3 Patrick Sherman
Aishwara Rai Bachchan as PO2 Nati Shatalya
John Diehl as Capt. Doyle
Arliss Howardas Cmdr. Reece Burroughs
Izabella Scorupco as LCdr. Valerie Obruchev

Timeline placement: mid-2407 (approx. 1yr. before Borg incursion at Vega Colony)

...

@wraithshadow - just gotta get this out of the way, Dave Keating is an idiot. The things he does with Wraith are almost as bad as the things my sister thinks I do when I'm babysitting my nephews. But the way things worked out for Wraith is just so bizarrely hilarious, I'm really glad that "crazy uncle Dave" was around to take the kid on that trip. Three Klingon ladies and an indestructible Vulcan boy = best. Pon farr. Ever. As far as the Andorian antennae situation goes, I don't think anyone will argue that Captain Shran was about as badass as Andorians come, and he was definitely taken down for the count when he lost his antenna fighting Archer. For ErhAb to even get up to her feet was a bit implausible. But, it was a nice touch to the story so I'll let it slide.

marcusdkane · October 2013

sander233 wrote: »

So, as soon as I saw the title for this one I new I had something good for it. The only question was which LaRoca I was going to write about. My first thought was to do a blast from the past and bring in Papa Carlos, but then I decided it would be better to work that into a series of stories set in that Dominion War timeframe. My next thought was Jesu after the "Bismark Incident" (which got referenced in "Sins of the Fathers: Ep. 4") But then Rusty walked in and dropped a bombshell on my lap. I love it when my characters do that.

Please enjoy "Against the Wall"

Starring (in order of appearance: )

Josh Hartnett as the voice of Lt. jg. LaRoca Rusty
Cam Gigandet as PO3 Patrick Sherman
Aishwara Rai Bachchan as PO2 Nati Shatalya
John Diehl as Capt. Doyle
Arliss Howardas Cmdr. Reece Burroughs
Izabella Scorupco as LCdr. Valerie Obruchev

Timeline placement: mid-2407 (approx. 1yr. before Borg incursion at Vega Colony)

Loved it!!! With one beef... Would have been hilarious to have seen Remmy on his way to the altercation and seen just how trashed he was after a 36 hour sugar bender

sander233 · October 2013

marcusdkane wrote: »

Loved it!!! With one beef... Would have been hilarious to have seen Remmy on his way to the altercation and seen just how trashed he was after a 36 hour sugar bender

It was tempting, and I do love the mental image of blood-fevered drunken Vulcan punk kid walking up to Rusty and mouthing off, but I really wanted to keep this a "play in one scene" and I'm sure Remmy's just as funny in your head as he is in mine.

Are things with Rusty starting to make as much sense for you as they are for me?

jonsills · October 2013

I have the beginnings of an idea...

...but I need to know if anyone has written a basic guide to Orion society. It would seriously affect parts of the plot.

marcusdkane · October 2013

sander233 wrote: »

It was tempting, and I do love the mental image of blood-fevered drunken Vulcan punk kid walking up to Rusty and mouthing off, but I really wanted to keep this a "play in one scene" and I'm sure Remmy's just as funny in your head as he is in mine.

Are things with Rusty starting to make as much sense for you as they are for me?

Very much so :cool: I think keeping it all in one scene worked well, and starting the piece sooner would've lacked that 'thrown in at the deep end' feeling which the piece conveys so powerfully. But yeah, Remmy's still a hilarious mental image

marcusdkane · October 2013

jonsills wrote: »

I have the beginnings of an idea...

...but I need to know if anyone has written a basic guide to Orion society. It would seriously affect parts of the plot.

I think only what patrickngo has written in his own entries, I don'trhink there's very much official about Orion society at all... I'm looking forward to seeing what you come up with though :cool:

cmdrscarlet · October 2013

@jonsills - FASA back in the 80s wrote a supplement to their RPG line on the Orions. I own a copy of the "Book of Deep Knowledge" which was the GMs guide, delving deeper into the "Book of Common Knowledge" available to the players. Since I have a character whose past is linked to Orions, then I am keenly interested in this race and their "thing".

Since FASA wrote stuff from the 80s into early 90s, then any information is dated. Also, I'm not sure people regard their work as 'canon' anyway.

But, having read it, there are some interesting notes that could survive into canon (if it were up to me). Some parts, admittedly are rubbish compared to what is known about Orions today.

Let me know how I can help.

Unknown · October 2013

This content has been removed.

jonsills · October 2013

patrickngo wrote: »

cdrscarlett's at least as good a source on things Orion as I am-and probably closer to the Canon, since I rely a lot on just extrapolating what I see into something I can use, then building off that. (I guess the big difference being, I've been really prolific and stuff WITH Orions and trying to make them make sense-not just as a villain or cardboard stand in, but as a species with a history, culture, and moral compass that works-differently.)

From what I could find at Memory Beta, I don't think the Book of Deep Knowledge would offer that much more assistance anyway - it's an aspect of Orion culture that nobody seems to have much examined. (I've found that a lot of Trekkies tend to assume that alien life would have much the same psychological biases as Terran life, specifically that of the society descended from western Europe, with maybe a couple of Planet of Hats twists.)

So I'm going to go with the concept I have now, and should have something up in a few days.

shevet · October 2013

I've got a copy of the Book of Deep Knowledge lurking around somewhere... the problem is, it's really based on the FASA-specific view of the Orions, which has been somewhat superseded by later canon information. (Nobody seems to have seen the ruddy-skinned Orions since the animated series, for instance.) Same problem with the Klingons, where much of the cultural material created by John M. Ford was contradicted or otherwise overwritten by later developments.

It's still good stuff - I was, and remain, a great admirer of some of the FASA material - but I wouldn't rely on it for info that fits the current Trek canon. More apocryphal, or deuterocanonical, or something like that.

wraithshadow13 · October 2013

sander233 wrote: »

@wraithshadow - just gotta get this out of the way, Dave Keating is an idiot. The things he does with Wraith are almost as bad as the things my sister thinks I do when I'm babysitting my nephews. But the way things worked out for Wraith is just so bizarrely hilarious, I'm really glad that "crazy uncle Dave" was around to take the kid on that trip. Three Klingon ladies and an indestructible Vulcan boy = best. Pon farr. Ever. As far as the Andorian antennae situation goes, I don't think anyone will argue that Captain Shran was about as badass as Andorians come, and he was definitely taken down for the count when he lost his antenna fighting Archer. For ErhAb to even get up to her feet was a bit implausible. But, it was a nice touch to the story so I'll let it slide.

Yeah, Dave is one of those guys who knows the job, and does a good one, but he's one of those guys who doesn't think about certain repercussions, so his odd sense of humor is often what annoys others or gets him in trouble.

As for Lehla, maybe instead of having her get to her feet, she could just make a general lunge? that way she doesn't need the balance for just one final push?

Literary Challenge #51 Discussion Thread

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