@worffan101: thanks! Wouldn't mind hearing what the others think now that there are no 'pimples' in the text! Loved your tale - D'trel stories from you are my preferred ones - but I would like to see the mythical contract that would make a Starfleet Admiral give Three a ship and a lot of lattitude given the somewhat unorthodox introduction!
I'll pass it by the guys. :cool:
The unit's Contract is a 20something-page document that details a lot of stuff that isn't really PG-13. There's this clause on page 7 that details what tortures a Contract-Holder might wish xir unit to inflict upon enemies, complete with detailed descriptions and a quick-reference order chart (sort of like speed dial for pain).
But Quinn was desperate, and he got replaced by an Undine in mid-2410 anyway.
Oh, and starswordc, my friend DontEvenAsk wonders how many cows must she sacrifice to appease you?
None. Your god StarSword-C only accepts beer, curry (the spicier the better) and cookies as sacrifices.
Glad you and your buddies liked it! I'm trying to get part two out by Friday because I'm probably not going to have to work the rest of the week,* and then I want to do something for prompt #2 in the unofficial challenge, set when Eleya was stationed on Deep Space 9 as a liaison officer.
* Can I say I really frakking hate temping? You never know when your next paycheck is coming.
"Great War! / And I cannot take more! / Great tour! / I keep on marching on / I play the great score / There will be no encore / Great War! / The War to End All Wars"
— Sabaton, "Great War"
None. Your god StarSword-C only accepts beer, curry (the spicier the better) and cookies as sacrifices.
Glad you and your buddies liked it! I'm trying to get part two out by Friday because I'm probably not going to have to work the rest of the week,* and then I want to do something for prompt #2 in the unofficial challenge, set when Eleya was stationed on Deep Space 9 as a liaison officer.
* Can I say I really frakking hate temping? You never know when your next paycheck is coming.
DEA has the curry, some Bud Light, and a bunch of homemade cookies. How should she sacrifice them to you?
She's underage, so she can't drink the beer. And her mom says no pyrotechnics.
DEA has the curry, some Bud Light, and a bunch of homemade cookies. How should she sacrifice them to you?
She's underage, so she can't drink the beer. And her mom says no pyrotechnics.
By eating them and enjoying them. Not the beer, though. Quite apart from her being underage, Bud Light doesn't count as actual beer anyway. My preferences run to local craft brews.
"Great War! / And I cannot take more! / Great tour! / I keep on marching on / I play the great score / There will be no encore / Great War! / The War to End All Wars"
— Sabaton, "Great War"
By eating them and enjoying them. Not the beer, though. Quite apart from her being underage, Bud Light doesn't count as actual beer anyway. My preferences run to local craft brews.
DEA says that the curry was perhaps a little too hot. But her mom's cookies were delicious.
[20:53] <DontEvenAsk> I'm reading starsword's right now.
[20:53] <DontEvenAsk> lookin' good.
[20:53] <GroundPetrel> OK.
[20:53] <DontEvenAsk> All that irks me is a personal preference for a comma in a particular place. I don't see any real problems.
[20:53] <GroundPetrel> OK
[21:00] <GroundPetrel> Any specifics? Thoughts on Masopw's story?
[21:02] <DontEvenAsk> I haven't gotten to Masopw's one yet.
[21:02] <DontEvenAsk> However, starsword's is looking really good.
[21:02] <GroundPetrel> OK
[21:02] <DontEvenAsk> it's giving me a Hunger Games feel because of the first-person present viewpoint. Nice and grounded, between personal and impartial brutal.
[21:03] <DontEvenAsk> That's a good feel.
[21:03] <GroundPetrel> OK. Good.
[21:11] <DontEvenAsk> ...
[21:11] <DontEvenAsk> how many dishes of curry am I to eat?
[21:11] <DontEvenAsk> and is there a specific kind required?
[21:12] <GroundPetrel> Uh...
[21:12] <GroundPetrel> Spicier the better?
[21:12] <GroundPetrel> THat's all I know.
[21:12] <GroundPetrel> Why?
[21:13] <DontEvenAsk> bECAUSE CLEARLY I NEED TO MAKE LOTS OF IT.
[21:13] <GroundPetrel> OK.
[21:13] <GroundPetrel> Starswordc didn't give me a specific amount.
[21:14] <GroundPetrel> Enjoying the fic, huh?
[21:14] <DontEvenAsk> If I was still doing cows, this would have many cows.
[21:14] <GroundPetrel> ...
[21:14] <GroundPetrel> OK
[21:14] <DontEvenAsk> But I haven't established rules for curry sacrifices.
[21:14] <DontEvenAsk> So I was jokingly asking how much curry I should substitute.
[21:15] <GroundPetrel> OK
[21:17] <DontEvenAsk> It is not a real, legit question to which I am expecting an answer.
[21:17] <GroundPetrel> OK.
[21:17] <GroundPetrel> So, good story?
[21:17] <DontEvenAsk> Aye.
[21:23] <DontEvenAsk> Hum.
[21:23] <DontEvenAsk> Yes perfect.
Masopw, here's yours. DEA focused mainly on stylistic stuff: I will say that she seemed to find the characters, plot, and setting generally good, a sentiment which I share. I can ignore minor stylistic issues, especially when a story's otherwise good; DEA tends to get irritated by them, though.
[21:24] <DontEvenAsk> "The blond man" stop.
[21:24] <DontEvenAsk> Do we know who this blond man is? No.
[21:24] <DontEvenAsk> Then use "A blond man".
[21:25] <DontEvenAsk> this fic has Adverb Fever.
[21:26] <GroundPetrel> Masopw's?
[21:26] <DontEvenAsk> yes.
[21:26] <GroundPetrel> OK
[21:26] <DontEvenAsk> did I ever tell Masopw the thing about adverbs, or was that somebody else?
[21:27] <GroundPetrel> Uh...
[21:27] <GroundPetrel> Might've been Ryan?
[21:27] <DontEvenAsk> Yeah, I think that was it.
[21:27] <DontEvenAsk> Well, anyways.
[21:27] <DontEvenAsk> Here again is the most important piece of anti-purple writing advice:
[21:28] <DontEvenAsk> if you can, avoid adverbs.
[21:28] <DontEvenAsk> and "rich" verbs.
[21:28] <DontEvenAsk> "Said is dead" is a lie.
[21:29] <DontEvenAsk> they act like using the same words everyone else has is a crime, like being 100% new original and edgy is the Only Way.
[21:29] <GroundPetrel> OK
[21:29] <DontEvenAsk> "staring silently" just...no.
[21:29] <GroundPetrel> What's wrong with that?
[21:29] <DontEvenAsk> it's purple.
[21:30] <DontEvenAsk> I mean
[21:30] <DontEvenAsk> " The blond man sat alone in the replimat, staring silently at the flickering light in the left rear corner. He picked at his dessert now and then, a frown slowly growing on his face. A quick squeal emitted from the overhead speaker, and the replicator on the right side chimed as it replicated a glass of water."
[21:30] <DontEvenAsk> reminds me more of Chris Paolini than anything.
[21:31] <DontEvenAsk> you could say he was watching it, without specifying that he's silent because generally the default state of a described environment is silent unless you add sound.
[21:31] <GroundPetrel> OK
[21:31] <DontEvenAsk> or you could say looking at it.
[21:32] <DontEvenAsk> Although that might be a little too vague, because from the word choice it looks like the intent was to specify that the look was a stare.
[21:33] <DontEvenAsk> also, the left rear corner feels a little...idk, there's something about that level of detail that seems off.
[21:33] <GroundPetrel> OK
[21:33] <DontEvenAsk> it's a corner. Unless /which/ corner it is becomes vastly important later, it's just a corner.
[21:33] <GroundPetrel> Too obvious foreshadowing/superfulous detail?
[21:34] <GroundPetrel> *superfluous
[21:34] <DontEvenAsk> superfluous detail.
[21:34] <DontEvenAsk> "slowly growing on his face" this is passive.
[21:34] <DontEvenAsk> are we describing the man, or are we describing his frown?
[21:42] <GroundPetrel> Anything else?
[21:44] <DontEvenAsk> Umm...Maso could do with less adverbs.
[21:45] <DontEvenAsk> Don't just cut them; try to rewrite them.
[21:45] <GroundPetrel> OK
[21:45] <DontEvenAsk> There is some infodump in the middle of an action paragraph.
[21:45] <GroundPetrel> OK.
[21:45] <GroundPetrel> Move that around a little?
[21:46] <DontEvenAsk> yeah.
[21:46] <DontEvenAsk> specifically the fourth paragraph.
[21:46] <GroundPetrel> OK. Makes sense.
[21:46] <DontEvenAsk> the sentence structure leads the reader away from the action and towards the description.
[21:46] <DontEvenAsk> "He heard quiet footsteps behind him, and turned his head to check on who else couldn't sleep."
[21:46] <DontEvenAsk> there are footsteps.
[21:47] <DontEvenAsk> he turns his head.
[21:47] <DontEvenAsk> does that feel like the focus of the sentence? not really.
[21:47] <DontEvenAsk> priorities, priorities.
[21:47] <GroundPetrel> OK
[21:47] <DontEvenAsk> "what am I going to do with this sentence?"
[21:48] <GroundPetrel> (also, if you can give these fics points out of 10, where 0 is My Immortal and 10 is TDKT, that would be great)
[21:48] <GroundPetrel> OK
[21:48] <DontEvenAsk> (I was planning on it.)
[21:48] <DontEvenAsk> "well, if I'm going to do [x] with this sentence, then I should make [x] the focus."
[21:48] <DontEvenAsk> "What am I going to do with this sentence/paragraph/passage" is an important question.
[21:49] <GroundPetrel> OK
[21:50] <DontEvenAsk> "It chimed, a cup appearing where it was supposed to, but it was empty." I am not sure that sentence is grammatically correct in the English language.
[21:50] <DontEvenAsk> who the heck says "I suppose it will"?
[21:50] <DontEvenAsk> is this a black-and-white corny romance film?
[21:52] <DontEvenAsk> "adorned"
[21:52] <DontEvenAsk> I am sideyeing that word choice.
[21:52] <GroundPetrel> OK
[21:52] <DontEvenAsk> the blouse is covered with coffee spots.
[21:52] <DontEvenAsk> I am not sure how that warrants use of the word "adorned".
[21:53] <DontEvenAsk> the lights flickering is being treated as a big thing with no explanation of why.
[21:53] <DontEvenAsk> the dialogue is all-over stilted.
[21:54] <DontEvenAsk> "how would I say this if I had to say it in my normal life" is also a good question.
[21:54] <GroundPetrel> OK
[21:56] <DontEvenAsk> "The overhead comm squealed again, and the noise changed to an ominous crackle, like distant thunder." order of events is an important detail. which corner the flickering light is located in is not an important detail
[21:56] <DontEvenAsk> "Never is when all the systems start going haywire." I don't understand this sentence.
[21:57] <GroundPetrel> LIghts flickering is generally a bad thing in Trek.
[21:57] <DontEvenAsk> yeah, I know.
[21:57] <DontEvenAsk> I said I didn't understand the sentence.
[21:57] <GroundPetrel> OK
[21:58] <DontEvenAsk> I get that there's a technical problem.
[21:58] <DontEvenAsk> I just don't know what all the fuss is supposed to be about.
[21:58] <DontEvenAsk> if there's a technical problem, why is there all this dread? why is it not a simple engineering folks from point a to point b thing?
[21:59] <DontEvenAsk> I just feel like I'm expected to know something that's left out.
[21:59] <DontEvenAsk> naming a thing and then adding an infodump of its description after it in a comma is getting a little...let's say it's irksome.
[22:00] <DontEvenAsk> ...I'm getting too...tired? Frustrated? Let's just say that blow-by-blow critique ain't gonna happen right now.
[22:00] <DontEvenAsk> Which is unfortunate because a simple rating will not help with the problems here.
[22:00] <GroundPetrel> OK.
[22:00] <GroundPetrel> I should note that flickering lights is generally associated with life-or-death emergencies on Trek.
[22:01] <DontEvenAsk> well, goodie goodie gumdrops.
[22:01] <DontEvenAsk> it doesn't seem that hard to just mess with the light source.
[22:01] <GroundPetrel> Also, the ship and the station both have minimal crew.
[22:01] <GroundPetrel> Any thoughts on the general plot or the characters?
[22:01] <DontEvenAsk> look, my point is that we are given symptoms and expected to know instantly what the problem is.
[22:01] <GroundPetrel> OK.
[22:02] <GroundPetrel> I see.
[22:02] <GroundPetrel> (I myself was able to ignore the stylistic stuff, as I generally am)
[22:02] <DontEvenAsk> Just..cut the adverbs down a bit, run the dialogue through a filter of "would a real live person say this", and the description to action ratio is off.
[22:03] <DontEvenAsk> Even when action is taking place, we get stuff like "walked over" and "placing his hands on Richard's shoulders" and whatnot.
[22:03] <GroundPetrel> OK
[22:03] <DontEvenAsk> it just feels really descriptive and deliberate and ponderous and delicate.
[22:04] <GroundPetrel> OK.
[22:04] <GroundPetrel> I think that advice will be appreciated.
[22:05] <DontEvenAsk> and so many places where things are clearly happening in sequence are being stated by being linked with commas or "and"s.
[22:05] <GroundPetrel> Yeah.
[22:05] <DontEvenAsk> "Jacob walked over to Richard's console, placing his hands on Richard's shoulders."
[22:06] <DontEvenAsk> Jacob is not doing these things simultaneously.
[22:06] <GroundPetrel> That's...Yeah, I see that now.
[22:07] <DontEvenAsk> and saying "this whale has teeth" about something named for an orca is not anything new.
*ten-minute debate on the exact definition of "whale" in the colloquial lexicon*
[22:16] <GroundPetrel> Any last thoughts? Because I have to go in just a couple minutes.
[22:16] <DontEvenAsk> ummm...
[22:17] <DontEvenAsk> starsword's fic gets an 8 or 9.
[22:17] <DontEvenAsk> (I feel like the scale is too big. :V)
[22:17] <DontEvenAsk> the other one gets...gosh, a 7?
[22:17] <DontEvenAsk> 6.5?
[22:17] <DontEvenAsk> more like 7?
[22:17] <DontEvenAsk> I don't really wanna give any fic lower than 7.
[22:18] <DontEvenAsk> but it's anywhere from 5 to 7, haven't finished it yet and am uncomfortable with the scale.
[22:18] <GroundPetrel> I understand. I figured it to be about a 7, too.
[22:18] <GroundPetrel> OK.
[22:18] <GroundPetrel> Short version: Badfic rates between 0 and 3 depending on awfulness.
[22:19] <GroundPetrel> Goodfic is 5 to 7.
[22:19] <DontEvenAsk> ahh.
[22:19] <GroundPetrel> Really good stuff is 8 or 9.
[22:19] <GroundPetrel> TDKT is 10.
[22:19] <DontEvenAsk> sooo...more like 5.5 or 6, for this fic.
[22:19] <GroundPetrel> TY!
[22:19] <DontEvenAsk> well, lemme just say, in the goodfic zone.
[22:19] <DontEvenAsk> one more thing.
[22:20] <GroundPetrel> Yeah?
[22:20] <DontEvenAsk> redundancy is something to sift through text for.
[22:20] <DontEvenAsk> just...comb for redundancies.
[22:20] <DontEvenAsk> "thought to himself", for instance.
[22:20] <DontEvenAsk> stuff where you've specified the default, etc.
[22:21] <DontEvenAsk> and if you must go, I shall make that all.
[22:21] <GroundPetrel> OK
[22:21] <GroundPetrel> Good to know.
[22:21] <GroundPetrel> Thank you!
[22:21] <DontEvenAsk> yep!
[22:21] <GroundPetrel> I'm sure that the guys will appreciate it.
[22:21] <DontEvenAsk>
[22:21] <GroundPetrel> Starsword sends xir regards.
[22:22] <DontEvenAsk> I hope it does some good. I see greatness in that second fic, man. Especially because she ship is named Orca and there are references to actual orcas and I just like it. But it's closer to the low end of the goodfic spectrum.
[22:22] <DontEvenAsk> Eeeeee, I send my regards back as well as a virtual blush at being sent regards.
[22:23] <GroundPetrel>
Short version: Starswordc, keep doing what you're doing, it works. Maso, the characters and setting are good and the story has real promise, but the style is bothersome to some readers (like DEA).
Funny how styles and regionality work...reviews from fellow Canucks I sent this to came back more favourably. If I had to "defend" my work, I'd say that, yes, real people do talk that way; malfunctioning tech in Trek is a harbinger of a really bad day (lingering establishing shots of Treknology TRIBBLE up for example...the longer the shot, the worse the day will be for engineering); my tales are a long continuous story, so, yep, we do know who the blond man is; and no, in Trek, the default sound isn't silence...it's a mix of chirps, chimes, and the reassuring hum of the warp core.:D
Funny how styles and regionality work...reviews from fellow Canucks I sent this to came back more favourably. If I had to "defend" my work, I'd say that, yes, real people do talk that way; malfunctioning tech in Trek is a harbinger of a really bad day (lingering establishing shots of Treknology TRIBBLE up for example...the longer the shot, the worse the day will be for engineering); my tales are a long continuous story, so, yep, we do know who the blond man is; and no, in Trek, the default sound isn't silence...it's a mix of chirps, chimes, and the reassuring hum of the warp core.:D
DEA hasn't read all of your stuff, and she's from the US, so that explains a lot. Don't get discouraged, though; everybody I've talked to so far likes your characters and plotting. And the one Canadian on Springhole did say that xe didn't mind the style at all.
"From Bajor to the Black, Part II". And if DEA wants suggestions, I can send her a few of my favorite curry recipes. (Speaking seriously, I suggest finding a copy of Madhur Jaffrey's Indian Cooking on Amazon.)
"Great War! / And I cannot take more! / Great tour! / I keep on marching on / I play the great score / There will be no encore / Great War! / The War to End All Wars"
— Sabaton, "Great War"
"From Bajor to the Black, Part II". And if DEA wants suggestions, I can send her a few of my favorite curry recipes. (Speaking seriously, I suggest finding a copy of Madhur Jaffrey's Indian Cooking on Amazon.)
Two passed out Klingons? Cracked rib? Embarrassing bruises?
Man, Kanril almost beats Three at the unit's own game*.
I'll pass the info along. :cool:
*Three's record is 4 Klingons at once, three of whom needed hospital visits. The female Klingon involved didn't. It was Risa, the Klingons were drunk and Three was bored.
Taking a stab of having a couple of my chars ask each other the question posed in Challenge 2. A little more complicated for a Romulan, admittedly. Was doing some more background but it was getting too long, so decided to just dive in.
Fate - protects fools, small children, and ships named Enterprise Will Riker
Member Access Denied Armada!
My forum single-issue of rage: Make the Proton Experimental Weapon go for subsystem targetting!
Two passed out Klingons? Cracked rib? Embarrassing bruises?
Man, Kanril almost beats Three at the unit's own game*.
I'll pass the info along. :cool:
*Three's record is 4 Klingons at once, three of whom needed hospital visits. The female Klingon involved didn't. It was Risa, the Klingons were drunk and Three was bored.
The excuse Eleya usually gives is that tequila was involved. But yeah, she definitely had a wild child phase. My feeling is she was compensating for having grown up in a small town in the TRIBBLE end of nowhere where the opportunities were lacking.
Taking a stab of having a couple of my chars ask each other the question posed in Challenge 2. A little more complicated for a Romulan, admittedly. Was doing some more background but it was getting too long, so decided to just dive in.
Enjoyable. I liked the sedate, quiet pace. Really felt like two guys just sitting down and shooting the breeze.
"Great War! / And I cannot take more! / Great tour! / I keep on marching on / I play the great score / There will be no encore / Great War! / The War to End All Wars"
— Sabaton, "Great War"
"From Bajor to the Black, Part II". And if DEA wants suggestions, I can send her a few of my favorite curry recipes. (Speaking seriously, I suggest finding a copy of Madhur Jaffrey's Indian Cooking on Amazon.)
Missed this the first time around - really have been loving Eleya's voice.
Fate - protects fools, small children, and ships named Enterprise Will Riker
Member Access Denied Armada!
My forum single-issue of rage: Make the Proton Experimental Weapon go for subsystem targetting!
I'd been somewhat stumped for what to do, then just a few minutes ago, I remembered something I had worked on with FanFiction.Net Author Ron the True Fan as part of another story we were working on, and realized it fit Prompt #2 perfectly, so I got his OK, brought it into Google Docs, formatted it appropriately, and here it is.
Good story. I particularly liked the line from the newly-minted captain about what Command was smoking, and why they weren't sharing.
One thing that started to bug me after a little while. I know a lot of writers will go to great lengths to find alternatives to the word "said", as its overuse is one of the greatest new-writer sins. However, it's okay to use it from time to time. One moment that stands out in particular was when the Sensor Officer reported 50 warp signatures:
"Son of a - that's more than we expected," the Captain remarked.
"Remarked" is usually associated with a certain insouciance, a level of mild interest. "Said" would be appropriate here in particular. "Responded" works too, especially like so:
"Son of a - that's more than we expected," the Captain responded, surprised.
Other than that, though, engaging story. I liked it.
One thing that started to bug me after a little while. I know a lot of writers will go to great lengths to find alternatives to the word "said", as its overuse is one of the greatest new-writer sins. However, it's okay to use it from time to time. One moment that stands out in particular was when the Sensor Officer reported 50 warp signatures:
"Remarked" is usually associated with a certain insouciance, a level of mild interest. "Said" would be appropriate here in particular. "Responded" works too, especially like so:
Other than that, though, engaging story. I liked it.
@starswordc - Damn. That was really good. I have a few questions but I think I'm going to hold on until I really need to ask.
That was really good.
@antonine3258 - I agree with starswordc, very relaxed. The willingness each party was with their history was refreshing, especially how each worked to appreciate another culture. welcome aboard the LC, an excellent introduction!
@starswordc - Damn. That was really good. I have a few questions but I think I'm going to hold on until I really need to ask.
That was really good.
Ask away, I got nothing better to do. I'm just plotting out a big fleet battle for The Wrong Reflection right now.
"Great War! / And I cannot take more! / Great tour! / I keep on marching on / I play the great score / There will be no encore / Great War! / The War to End All Wars"
— Sabaton, "Great War"
I'd been somewhat stumped for what to do, then just a few minutes ago, I remembered something I had worked on with FanFiction.Net Author Ron the True Fan as part of another story we were working on, and realized it fit Prompt #2 perfectly, so I got his OK, brought it into Google Docs, formatted it appropriately, and here it is.
Feedback is most welcome. :cool:
Making the jump from Ensign to Captain is a bit... unorthodox, even by the standards of this wacky game. Good story otherwise, though. I really enjoyed that "oh, TRIBBLE" moment when the computer announced who was in charge.
...Oh, baby, you know, I've really got to leave you / Oh, I can hear it callin 'me / I said don't you hear it callin' me the way it used to do?...
- Anne Bredon
Well (god I hope I have not asked this already) ... where can I find details on Andorian relationship structure and naming conventions. I've seen a few posters use thaan and such but I would like to see this information myself. I have a brother/sister team on my crew and would rather use Andorian-esque phrases.
While I'm asking, in Part II Kanril says,
... and my next boyfriend still didn't last four months before we split up. Jerrod Dalton hurt me worse than that Orion did, and I still wake up every once in a while from nightmares about her.
So, who is "her"? I think this was an error so I glossed over it, but it did stop my own reading.
Well (god I hope I have not asked this already) ... where can I find details on Andorian relationship structure and naming conventions. I've seen a few posters use thaan and such but I would like to see this information myself. I have a brother/sister team on my crew and would rather use Andorian-esque phrases.
The short version is, the thaan and chaan are male-equivalent and each provide 1/4 of the genetic material. They together fertilize a shen (female-equivalent; Tess Phohl is a shen), who then passes the embryo to a zhen (female-equivalent), who gestates the embryo in a pouch like a female marsupial.
This is all an extrapolation from a throwaway line in TNG: "Data's Day" that Andorian marriages consist of four people. Obviously that could've also meant polygamy, but the novel writers thought that having four biological sexes offered greater storytelling opportunities: e.g. the reason Andorians are hardly seen at all after TOS is because they're having a population crisis due to a shortage of mating quartets (shelthreth in Andorian), a problem which Julian Bashir eventually solved.
So, who is "her"? I think this was an error so I glossed over it, but it did stop my own reading.
Just curious
Worffan's right. Eleya was referring to the Orion matron who stabbed her during a boarding action in 2399 (flashback nightmare in chapter one of Bait and Switch).
"Great War! / And I cannot take more! / Great tour! / I keep on marching on / I play the great score / There will be no encore / Great War! / The War to End All Wars"
— Sabaton, "Great War"
Memory Beta ... didn't think to look there. I rarely do :P
On "her" - having not read Bair & Switch, then my confusion came from the preceding sentence referencing another boyfriend. So, the next sentence with an Orion made me think the Orion was the boyfriend. Bleh, yay English!
@takeshi - Nice! I agree that the "oh s+++" moment was rather fun to read. I'm curious how Yamato is pronounced. Is it ya-MA-toh or YA-ma-toh?
YA-ma-to. If you want to be accurate, watch the Anime Gundam SEED - the main protagonist, Kira Yamato, has his last name pronounced the same way Takeshi's is.
Comments
I'll pass it by the guys. :cool:
The unit's Contract is a 20something-page document that details a lot of stuff that isn't really PG-13. There's this clause on page 7 that details what tortures a Contract-Holder might wish xir unit to inflict upon enemies, complete with detailed descriptions and a quick-reference order chart (sort of like speed dial for pain).
But Quinn was desperate, and he got replaced by an Undine in mid-2410 anyway.
None. Your god StarSword-C only accepts beer, curry (the spicier the better) and cookies as sacrifices.
Glad you and your buddies liked it! I'm trying to get part two out by Friday because I'm probably not going to have to work the rest of the week,* and then I want to do something for prompt #2 in the unofficial challenge, set when Eleya was stationed on Deep Space 9 as a liaison officer.
* Can I say I really frakking hate temping? You never know when your next paycheck is coming.
— Sabaton, "Great War"
Check out https://unitedfederationofpla.net/s/
DEA has the curry, some Bud Light, and a bunch of homemade cookies. How should she sacrifice them to you?
She's underage, so she can't drink the beer. And her mom says no pyrotechnics.
By eating them and enjoying them. Not the beer, though. Quite apart from her being underage, Bud Light doesn't count as actual beer anyway. My preferences run to local craft brews.
— Sabaton, "Great War"
Check out https://unitedfederationofpla.net/s/
DEA says that the curry was perhaps a little too hot. But her mom's cookies were delicious.
Best,
worffan101
Funny how styles and regionality work...reviews from fellow Canucks I sent this to came back more favourably. If I had to "defend" my work, I'd say that, yes, real people do talk that way; malfunctioning tech in Trek is a harbinger of a really bad day (lingering establishing shots of Treknology TRIBBLE up for example...the longer the shot, the worse the day will be for engineering); my tales are a long continuous story, so, yep, we do know who the blond man is; and no, in Trek, the default sound isn't silence...it's a mix of chirps, chimes, and the reassuring hum of the warp core.:D
DEA hasn't read all of your stuff, and she's from the US, so that explains a lot. Don't get discouraged, though; everybody I've talked to so far likes your characters and plotting. And the one Canadian on Springhole did say that xe didn't mind the style at all.
I'll pass along your thanks.
— Sabaton, "Great War"
Check out https://unitedfederationofpla.net/s/
Two passed out Klingons? Cracked rib? Embarrassing bruises?
Man, Kanril almost beats Three at the unit's own game*.
I'll pass the info along. :cool:
*Three's record is 4 Klingons at once, three of whom needed hospital visits. The female Klingon involved didn't. It was Risa, the Klingons were drunk and Three was bored.
Member Access Denied Armada!
My forum single-issue of rage: Make the Proton Experimental Weapon go for subsystem targetting!
Enjoyable. I liked the sedate, quiet pace. Really felt like two guys just sitting down and shooting the breeze.
— Sabaton, "Great War"
Check out https://unitedfederationofpla.net/s/
Missed this the first time around - really have been loving Eleya's voice.
Member Access Denied Armada!
My forum single-issue of rage: Make the Proton Experimental Weapon go for subsystem targetting!
I'd been somewhat stumped for what to do, then just a few minutes ago, I remembered something I had worked on with FanFiction.Net Author Ron the True Fan as part of another story we were working on, and realized it fit Prompt #2 perfectly, so I got his OK, brought it into Google Docs, formatted it appropriately, and here it is.
Feedback is most welcome. :cool:
One thing that started to bug me after a little while. I know a lot of writers will go to great lengths to find alternatives to the word "said", as its overuse is one of the greatest new-writer sins. However, it's okay to use it from time to time. One moment that stands out in particular was when the Sensor Officer reported 50 warp signatures:
"Remarked" is usually associated with a certain insouciance, a level of mild interest. "Said" would be appropriate here in particular. "Responded" works too, especially like so:
Other than that, though, engaging story. I liked it.
Thanks. Actually picked that up from FF.N Writer CSS.Stravag, who's used it in some of his fics.
Gotcha. Just fixed the section you mentioned.
That was really good.
@antonine3258 - I agree with starswordc, very relaxed. The willingness each party was with their history was refreshing, especially how each worked to appreciate another culture. welcome aboard the LC, an excellent introduction!
Ask away, I got nothing better to do. I'm just plotting out a big fleet battle for The Wrong Reflection right now.
— Sabaton, "Great War"
Check out https://unitedfederationofpla.net/s/
Making the jump from Ensign to Captain is a bit... unorthodox, even by the standards of this wacky game. Good story otherwise, though. I really enjoyed that "oh, TRIBBLE" moment when the computer announced who was in charge.
...Oh, baby, you know, I've really got to leave you / Oh, I can hear it callin 'me / I said don't you hear it callin' me the way it used to do?...
- Anne Bredon
Gotcha - I'll fix that now.
Thanks.
While I'm asking, in Part II Kanril says,
So, who is "her"? I think this was an error so I glossed over it, but it did stop my own reading.
Just curious
IIRC, "her" refers to the Orion matron that gave Kanril her scar.
The short version is, the thaan and chaan are male-equivalent and each provide 1/4 of the genetic material. They together fertilize a shen (female-equivalent; Tess Phohl is a shen), who then passes the embryo to a zhen (female-equivalent), who gestates the embryo in a pouch like a female marsupial.
This is all an extrapolation from a throwaway line in TNG: "Data's Day" that Andorian marriages consist of four people. Obviously that could've also meant polygamy, but the novel writers thought that having four biological sexes offered greater storytelling opportunities: e.g. the reason Andorians are hardly seen at all after TOS is because they're having a population crisis due to a shortage of mating quartets (shelthreth in Andorian), a problem which Julian Bashir eventually solved.
Worffan's right. Eleya was referring to the Orion matron who stabbed her during a boarding action in 2399 (flashback nightmare in chapter one of Bait and Switch).
— Sabaton, "Great War"
Check out https://unitedfederationofpla.net/s/
On "her" - having not read Bair & Switch, then my confusion came from the preceding sentence referencing another boyfriend. So, the next sentence with an Orion made me think the Orion was the boyfriend. Bleh, yay English!
It looks like I have some extra reading to do :P
YA-ma-to. If you want to be accurate, watch the Anime Gundam SEED - the main protagonist, Kira Yamato, has his last name pronounced the same way Takeshi's is.
@cmdrscarlet justice! great work, well done; time for some orion vengeance :cool: