hoping for friends...very lonely

FoxRunning - Heavens Tear

(HeavensTear server)

I don't know why I'm bothering to post this....likely some nasty creeps will take it over. But I have no where else to go, no where else to ask.

This game has meant everything to me for a year. I'm disabled, cant leave home, so this has been my only way of feeling good about myself, to feel like I am accomplishing something, that I actually am worthwhile, even though its not real. I also hoped I could make friends....something that has eluded me my whole life,for reasons I have never known. Trying my best to be like others has never worked, to offer myself to do every job that no one else hasnt worked either, to work for free, no matter how many times it got me killed.

I don't know why I'm not rich and successful as everyone else is....as God is my witness, I have done all I can. But it has never been enough. My health sometimes lets me play for hours, sometimes not for days....a lot of it depends on how sick depression makes me.

Almost from the beginnning, I have been a member of various factions. Some I loved dearly, like Artimis and WhiteFang, where we had endless fun. Others didn't work out so well, as a matter of simply being too low a level or such. But the higher I rose in level, the more of a problem I have had in finding a guild that is a good fit, especially since I have never been able to get a herc..(yes, I have been given reams of excellent advice on how to raise the money, but it has never been enough to make it happen.) So, even with a bag full of high level rare pets and three strong golems, I was not acceptable to the last couple of factions I was in, in the sense that those wanting to form a squad want onlly the best-and the best equals a herc or more. So other than world bosses, I had no way to work with them, and was not able to get on BH quests, and other things i needed so much, aside from just being able to help out period.I don't know why I'm bothering to post this....likely some nasty creeps will take it over. But I have no where else to go, no where else to ask.


Now please, I beg your understanding, and please do not judge me harshly, or ridicule me. But the two disabilites that cause me the most trouble in dealing with other people are 1. My autism (Asperger's Syndrome) and 2, PTSD. The first literallly is a mind wired to look at the world differently, to think of things in ways others do not....some call us 'straight arrows', but we feel like aliens in a different world, not able to understand why people act illogically, and it often causes us confusion and pain. Few ASpies have friends for this reason. The second, PTSD, caused by growing up abused severely into my 20s, has made me fear other people, fear giving my trust, fear betrayal. I have fought this for many years fear for many years, but with mixed results. I work to involve myself in things that I know I will likely have good luck with friends and others. But no matter how hard I tried, it hasnt worked out the last two months. The last guild, it was because of a prejudice against a family member who also plays, and has ADD. Though not in the same guild, I was thrown out because of that and because I was terribly depressed that two people I had thought were friends could be so without understanding of what life is like for a family who has literally half its members on the autistic spectrum. I tried desperately to explain, so afraid to lose two of my oldest friends

But I did . And now I am alone.

Please, what I hope, with this post, is that I might find other disabled people like myself, who also are trying to play but cannot find the understanding from guild leaders and members. I am hoping to find people who might want to do things together-quests, BHs and the like. Or even just go out to play together. I am sure I am not the only person in this situation....I don't hope to ever be in a guild that can help me. No guild would want a mentally impaired/depressed person like me. But I do hope for people who might want to work on things together with me? People who also are lonely, and wanting friends?

Morganna - Lost City

If you try your hardest not to cause drama, and you re-roll on LC, you're welcome to come play with my guild and I. Could put an alt, too. I know it's hard to re-roll a 'high-lv' char. I wouldn't wanna re-roll Morganna either.

Hisuna - Sanctuary

I would like to talk to you privately. I'm at work at the moment, I will PM you as soon as I can.

FoxRunning - Heavens Tear

i thank you both, so much...but i and my family are on HT. my veno is 77-and took me all year to get her this high. my son just turned 70, my husband's alts are in their 40s finally.

i began on LC, but fled it when my first veno reached her 30s. the constant fear of living in a warzone like tha was more than i could take. Hisuna, i've seen your sig, and so often wished there was something like your guild in HT.

Morganna - Lost City

FoxRunning - Heavens Tear wrote: »

i thank you both, so much...but i and my family are on HT. my veno is 77-and took me all year to get her this high. my son just turned 70, my husband's alts are in their 40s finally.

i began on LC, but fled it when my first veno reached her 30s. the constant fear of living in a warzone like tha was more than i could take. Hisuna, i've seen your sig, and so often wished there was something like your guild in HT.

After lv 40, it gets better, but I get what you mean. My arcane veno alt just hit 40, and things slowed down. It took me that time to get Morganna here, too, but I'm a bum and refuse to pay for Crazy Stone anymore, and I don't do BH. Working with just FBs in-guild and WQ. I don't wanna hit 90 and not have my HH gear b:surrender slowin' it down

Hisuna - Sanctuary

FoxRunning - Heavens Tear wrote: »

i thank you both, so much...but i and my family are on HT. my veno is 77-and took me all year to get her this high. my son just turned 70, my husband's alts are in their 40s finally.

i began on LC, but fled it when my first veno reached her 30s. the constant fear of living in a warzone like tha was more than i could take. Hisuna, i've seen your sig, and so often wished there was something like your guild in HT.

I apologize, I must have been in the middle of my PM to you when you posted this. It's very understandable that you would want to remain on your initial server. I really hope you find what you're looking for.

Kagaro - Dreamweaver

too long clanky

and yes major troll bait

FoxRunning - Heavens Tear

i beg of you, please dont. im depressed enough, and with the so called 'holidays' coming, its even worse.

Kagaro - Dreamweaver wrote: »

too long clanky

and yes major troll bait

Aadi - Lost City

I hope you find what you're looking for on Heaven's Tear, I can't help you there because I'm a LC girl.

Some people might not read this because it's too long, but...it's too long because partway through it starts over again b:surrender It might not be so intimidating to read all that if you took out the paragraph that's in there twice on accident. b:cute

FoxRunning - Heavens Tear

im sorry about the doubleness of it- i wrote it on my incredimail, then pasted it here during the night, when i was upset and eyes bothering me, so missed that double. i'll try to fix it

Aadi - Lost City wrote: »

I hope you find what you're looking for on Heaven's Tear, I can't help you there because I'm a LC girl.

Some people might not read this because it's too long, but...it's too long because partway through it starts over again b:surrender It might not be so intimidating to read all that if you took out the paragraph that's in there twice on accident. b:cute

Ikurei - Dreamweaver

Kagaro - Dreamweaver wrote: »

too long clanky

and yes major troll bait

I'm an ******* but that's a low blow.

To OP: I'd like to help out but it took me a while to get to my level. Besides, I have friends on Dreamweaver who I don't want to leave behind. I'm also sure that we wouldn't get along too well, I'm a sarcastic **** who makes crude jokes all the time. That's just who I am.

Good luck finding some friends who accept you for who you are. In my opinion one true friend is better than a long list of acquaintances.

Scorched_Sky - Sanctuary

Having written a term-paper that involved several interviews on PTSD, I start by offering my upmost compassion for you (although I know it's not what you need). I have interviewed many with that condition, and what I have found is that - as you have said - one of the most effective ways at countering the depression is to have friends, including family, who understand you.
The problem with any MMO (including PW, although to a much lesser extend due to the wonderful community on average) is that players have real life friends whom they interact with to a greater extent than players whom they meet in game (not to say that there aren't any of such friendships online - I myself have them).
But one thing that certainly helps is to meet someone who starts out the game early - generally, as you have noticed, at a higher level, it's harder to find friends because they already have their own.

To what Morganna said: it may be nice to join another server and start anew - maybe you'll find a friend who is just starting the game and experience PW again with him/her/them.

Even so, I believe you will find friends on the forums through this thread - even if we're separated by servers , and I hope that the conditions won't be too hard on you. You can certainly pm me if you need to - I'm always willing to have more friends. b:cute

Deathsscion - Sanctuary

Ah the nice little problem of the forum. So many servers. Try the HT forum instead. People from HT will be looking there and less people from other servers offering, but unable to do anything unless you switch.

FoxRunning - Heavens Tear

thank you! i hadnt thought of that. not thinking clearly. i have good moments, and times not so...

@Scorched...no, the last thing i want is pity. what i want is to get back on my feet, to the extent that i am going to be able for. of course, i will never again be the 110 lb ice skater/cyclist/runner/moutain hiker/etc that i once was. but who could expect that, after years of medication, 5 children/4 births, and stuck in the house because of allergies to the whole state of kansas? <wry joke> but to be emotionally stable again is my goal, and my goal here is to find a friend or two who would like doing instances, BHs and just hunting toghter. i do very much need the help a guild would give, but i dont think any would have me....which is going to present serious problems,, since i have my nextFB coming up. but i have to set my sights lower than that

Deathsscion - Sanctuary wrote: »

Ah the nice little problem of the forum. So many servers. Try the HT forum instead. People from HT will be looking there and less people from other servers offering, but unable to do anything unless you switch.

Sonicslashar - Heavens Tear

If you need to talk to someone, I am always available

My brother and Father are both Autistic...

PM Me In-game on SonicSlashar if you want to talk...

Or not....

Drazo - Dreamweaver

I could have Asperger's, and (should be) undergoing proper diagnosis now so it's a matter of time. Even if I don't, I'm still pretty high in the autism spectrum.

As for the physical conditions I can't really relate to, but I used to have a lot more stamina in my early teens and pre-teens than I did after and now.

FoxRunning - Heavens Tear

thank you, guys....its good to know someone cares. i have a few people ingame who chat now and again, but none who have time to play or in same time area, etc. makes getting together difficult, when alone without a guild....

yes, autism is actually far more common than people think. it has many degrees-hence the name 'autistic spectrum', which goes from people being essentially locked in their minds, not being able to speak or function, to high functioning like aspergers syndrome, ADD and such. of our family of 6, half are on the spectrum-myself, and our two oldest boys. one is 18, and though he has AS, he will always need a caregiver, not likley to hold a job, etc. our second, with ADD, he is having trouble preparing for a GED, though otherwise extremely intelligent. autism is odd, that way....affects everyone differently, can make you a social idiot and a genius at the same time. for me, its one thing that makes it so hard for me to understand why people do some things here, like boss pulling and other things against the TOS. ingame, things are black and white, so simple....but yet people do wrong things. a total mystery to me, and very frustrating to see happen.

...im running on. sorry. tired, frustrated and need to go to bed...4.45am!

King_Solomon - Heavens Tear

so your awareness of how life really is led you to depression, right?

consciousness welcomes you.

Cuzilovehun - Heavens Tear

well if u feel alone like me u can always pm me or just add me in game my sn is "cuzilovehun"

i knw its hard to be alone i dont knw about PTSD but i think im suffering for that too. i got a trauma for speaking english in front of a person or talking to them, pwi is my only way to make friends coz i dont really go outside because i coudnt talk to other people.

just pm me or add me =] and ill help u with ur bh if im not busy =]b:victory

FoxRunning - Heavens Tear

no, nastards like you, and worse, are what caused my PTSD. how would you like to grow up imprisoned at home during your school years by a physically/mentally abusive mother who was convinced the communists were going to take me away and do God knows what, while the famous music teacher down the street was **** me almost daily, during 'extra lessons'? and no one believed you? and because of your not being able to talk to anyone but yor parents, you had no concepts or words for what was happening, only that it was wrong? and when you tried to tell, you were beaten and told how ungrateful you were?

i know the real world better than many do....the real world is hell. i come here, hoping for relief and a few moments of happiness, before i have to get offline, and desend back into hell again...

King_Solomon - Heavens Tear wrote: »

so your awareness of how life really is led you to depression, right?

consciousness welcomes you.

Cuzilovehun - Heavens Tear

well english is our 3rd language my family and i are talking in our native language. idk but when im in front of someone else my brain is getting blank. >.<

Aadi - Lost City

FoxRunning - Heavens Tear wrote: »

no, nastards like you, and worse, are what caused my PTSD. how would you like to grow up imprisoned at home during your school years by a physically/mentally abusive mother who was convinced the communists were going to take me away and do God knows what, while the famous music teacher down the street was **** me almost daily, during 'extra lessons'? and no one believed you? and because of your not being able to talk to anyone but yor parents, you had no concepts or words for what was happening, only that it was wrong? and when you tried to tell, you were beaten and told how ungrateful you were?

i know the real world better than many do....the real world is hell. i come here, hoping for relief and a few moments of happiness, before i have to get offline, and desend back into hell again...

Fox, I don't mean this in any way rude, but maybe this isn't the place for you to be posting these kinds of things? Not only is it very personal information (and this forum is open to anyone who wants to read it), it's also something that shouldn't be read by the 13 year olds that are allowed to read these forums...b:surrender

King_Solomon - Heavens Tear

Fox, offending you was not my intention. Forgive my bitterness.

FoxRunning - Heavens Tear

God, im sorry....i'll ask it to be removed.

i cant do ANYTHING right

Aadi - Lost City wrote: »

Fox, I don't mean this in any way rude, but maybe this isn't the place for you to be posting these kinds of things? Not only is it very personal information (and this forum is open to anyone who wants to read it), it's also something that shouldn't be read by the 13 year olds that are allowed to read these forums...b:surrender

shaylabayla

Fox, while i do agree with Aadi, i also think that if a 13 year old was to read this forum they should be mature enough and have enough empathy to understand where you`re coming from, PM me sometime i`d prefer to talk to you outside of this forumb:cute