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Trading reviews for "Tempest in a Freepot" -- NW-DC8KGKXGH
tipadaknife
Member Posts: 229 Arc User
An exhausted courier catches up with you when you pause for a meal. He hands you a letter with a familiar seal -- the symbol of the World Axis. Inside, a neat hand writes only that your aid is required to solve a murder most foul, i a conspiracy that stretches across worlds. The gnome king Alonso I and his clockwork butler await you in a familiar, non-descript house.
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An adaptation of The Tempest set in EverQuest, though no knowledge of either is reuired. Side quests! Time travel! Movies! Romance! Special effects! Drama! High-seas Adventure! It's got EVERYTHING! An entire city (and forest outside!) built from scratch! A different city spun into a cavern!
I've been working on this sequel to The Crypt of Befallen and The Sealing of Najena's Lair for months. It's finally done. And I need my fellow foundry authors to tell me how to make it better. I would really appreciate it if you could run this adventure, and leave a note with comments and the name of YOUR adventure so I can do the same for you. As a bonus, it's taken so long to write this adventure and so many people have tried it in an unfinished state that, though it's still in the review tab, it's eligible for the daily foundry.
Thanks in advance!
--
An adaptation of The Tempest set in EverQuest, though no knowledge of either is reuired. Side quests! Time travel! Movies! Romance! Special effects! Drama! High-seas Adventure! It's got EVERYTHING! An entire city (and forest outside!) built from scratch! A different city spun into a cavern!
I've been working on this sequel to The Crypt of Befallen and The Sealing of Najena's Lair for months. It's finally done. And I need my fellow foundry authors to tell me how to make it better. I would really appreciate it if you could run this adventure, and leave a note with comments and the name of YOUR adventure so I can do the same for you. As a bonus, it's taken so long to write this adventure and so many people have tried it in an unfinished state that, though it's still in the review tab, it's eligible for the daily foundry.
Thanks in advance!
Post edited by tipadaknife on
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Comments
and possibly add some debris, some stuff, it looked kind of empty...
and that's all my notes on it, overall it was a great idea, i enjoyed it. Even though i never played EverQuest i have seen footage of it and your quest really reminded me of it, nice on that one.
The "waking up" thing was really smart haha
I rated it 5 for effort, because, even though it's missing parts, it was made with lots of interest in both games and it was an enjoyable time ^_^
and the npcs were funny =D
if you have time, and the desire, i have this quest "Child Of The Night" that i'm thinking of turning in a campaign so the more feedback i get the better ^^
thanks and good luck
If you get a chance, I would be honored if you would review my quest. It's named Happy Fun Time Adventures NW-DHKVN3M34. It's my first attempt at a foundry quest.
Thank you!
Ooops -- forest ambiance added. I dunno why sound design is always the last thing I do.... Thanks!
Well, I want a cloudy sky -- supposed to be a storm coming. It is rather bright. I tried a few different backdrop adjustments, and most seemed to hide the encounters at the toll booth and the bears for the bear quest. I would love better tuning of the time of day, but -- in the end -- I left it as it was, unnatural lighting intact. Good suggestions, though.
Yes, they were bandits posing as guards to shake down travelers. I have added "Bandit" to their names
Patched up -- nice find, thanks!
Done!
Added some more stuff and pegged my NPC limit to make the place more lively. Thanks!
Not sure about this one. If someone falls off the side of the dock nearest the ship, they can run beneath the dock and back toward the city, where there's a ramp leading back onto the docks. I use that often. It's been my experience that invisible walls cause more issues than they solve
Must have been a glitch -- can't recreate it. I'll keep an eye out for it, though -- thanks!
I want people to go investigate the ship -- it has some bodies to look at. Gives some clues as to what happened. Again, I have a personal distaste for invisible walls. The cove is nearly blocked off with the shipwreck, though.
I have a ocean ambience! Darn thing is too subtle, though. Added a noisier one, and one for the wooded area, and one for the place you meet Prospero, and an Easter egg I forgot to plant. Huh, map-based ocean ambiance is totally not working. I planted one right at the spawn point. Gonna hear those waves now!
It's supposed to be half open; otherwise you can't get the names of the zombies in there, revealing them to be infected guards. Lemme see if I can make that more clear... okay, I lowered the portcullis into the floor. It looks more like a fence than bars, but you can see them and they won't be able to crawl out.
Sparkly line works really weird there. I dunno why; it's a standard room, just with a lot of stuff added. But there it is.
Thank you very much for all your wonderful comments! The adventure is a hundred times better for them
Played your foundry, left comments on your thread.
Thanks again!
Thanks!
Now for my shameless plug ;P This is the first foundry I have ever done, so I'm expecting bugs. I would really appreciate the review if you have the time.
Whispers through the Shadows: A Simple Retrieval -- NW-DLK9RWOKU
There are also several times where a dialogue ends before I can read it. Usually this happens with the last dialogue option on NPCs that disappear, but when I talked to the ghost of King Alonso he disappeared before I could even choose any of the options.
"Caliban's eyes dart to the side"
Should it be "Caliban's eye darts to the side"?
Otherwise, absolutely amazing job. 5/5. I could totally see this as a Featured Quest, though it might need to have the Everquest references changed to qualify.
Check out my Foundry questline, The Brightstone Explorers' Guild, now archived on Youtube!
Fixing it now, thanks!
The ghost of King Alonso is supposed to disappear while you're in conversation with him. I made so many conversation options for him just so he would be sure to disappear while people were trying to get answers from him. At other times -- this is an issue for NPCs who change state based on dialog options as opposed to being part of the main story. I tried to ease this by making the trigger dialog option unimportant. I would love for there to be more support for sidequests and optional storylines....
lol... good catch. I need to work on that whole encounter....
I wonder if I could just not mention EverQuest in the description. If that would be enough. Most of the NPCs are drawn from the Tempest, not EQ, after all. Freeport is pretty much the only EverQuest-y place in the adventure.
Thanks for the review! And, thanks for the comment in the Foundry. I really do need to punch up the end of the adventure. My only concern was that the adventure was going over my soft limit of half an hour as it was. There was a lot more that was supposed to happen with Caliban, Sycorax, and a couple plot encounters.
I think I do have to go back and finish that up. I am getting several comments that players needed the ooc thing at the end. They shouldn't. I just couldn't think of any way of fitting that all into the main adventure without taking another fifteen minutes.
Thanks! I'll reply in your threads.
Oh, do you have threads for your adventures? You really should. I'll write my review in the next post, then.
Adventures in review are only found in the in review tab.
Comments follow.
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Should the name of the inn be "Black Dragon", with the space?
"Roudy Patron" -- "Rowdy Patron". Also, he's just walking back and forth. Could he actually be doing something rowdy? Like swigging ale or hammering at something?
Drunken dwarf threatens me but we don't seem to be able to get into a fight.
When you write "*Kalium laughs*", consider using the OOC font. You then go on with "Quite right you are, ......", he says. You don't need to make that a quote.
"*Kalium takes a map from his satchel.....*" -- again, with the OOC. And what follows is another narrative, with "Here it is," he says and points to the map.
Was this a story you are pasting into the dialog? If that's the case -- that's pretty cool. But we're in the story, not reading it, so you can just put the words of your story in the characters' mouths.
Kalium says he gives us a bag of coins, and we say we receive them. but nothing actually changes hands but the letter.
The door leaving the BlackDragon Inn is not attached to the wall.
An NPC named Drelnza? There's an EverQuest NPC named Drelzna.... I even use her in a couple of my own adventures...
I tell Drelnza I cannot help, but I tell Erik I can help -- which is it?
The Gyr-Wolves say they are kobolds.
After delivering the red mushroom and getting the meal, the boy still complains of the pain and I still promise to help, even though I have already done so.
If we didn't already know the guard was a terrible guard, letting people in, we'd know it once we found out there was a huge zombie battle going on just on the other side of the gate of which he was entirely unaware.
Mayor Oloff was told by the guards that I have a letter for him? Which guards? The only guard I've talked with is the guard who had never even been inside Ash Grove, and abandoned his post as soon as I gave him some food.
Sparkly line was useless in River Journey, should be turned off.
Portcullis in Tomb of he Ancie.... still has default name. Also, not entirely closed.
"Glowing blue orb" looks like a glowing yellow orb.
Mable and the Mayor are standing on the treasure chest when returning to Ash Grove. Made it hard to open the chest -- kept talking to Mable or the Mayor.
Well, I think this adventure went pretty well. The places where the dialog turns into a story -- "And then", he said, "Something happened" -- should be changed to be more just speaking or whatever, with any emphasis added through animations. There were some spelling and grammar errors, but nothing too egregious and better than most. Running around the ancient crypt for orbs was typical adventure stuff. Not sure why the lich protected itself this way, but who knows the mind of a lich?
Good adventure!
A: BlackDragon Inn was named after an old IRC role-play chat room. BlackDragon was all one word in that case so I left it in honor.
Q: "Roudy Patron" -- "Rowdy Patron". Also, he's just walking back and forth. Could he actually be doing something rowdy? Like swigging ale or hammering at something?
A: Yeah, I should do that, now that I know how. Time to go back and make things better. I can not believe I misspelled rowdy. Ha!
Q: Drunken dwarf threatens me but we don't seem to be able to get into a fight.
A: I can do that too. It could be a welcome distraction for those wishing to duke it out.
Q: When you write "*Kalium laughs*", consider using the OOC font. You then go on with "Quite right you are, ......", he says. You don't need to make that a quote.
A: I can do that. I did it this way because it was my first foundry and did not realize I could use other fonts and colors. Also, I'm a full-time career writer. It is habit for me to write dialogue this way. If any of the writing is bad, well it is because I half-expect a lot of players to be short on attention span...I assume few will actually take the time to read the storyline. Also, I tend to write better when it will generate royalties.
Q: "*Kalium takes a map from his satchel.....*" -- again, with the OOC. And what follows is another narrative, with "Here it is," he says and points to the map.
A: I have no respone here.
Q: Was this a story you are pasting into the dialog? If that's the case -- that's pretty cool. But we're in the story, not reading it, so you can just put the words of your story in the characters' mouths.
A: No, I made this all up on the fly, and you are right.
Q: Kalium says he gives us a bag of coins, and we say we receive them. but nothing actually changes hands but the letter.
A: I'm not sure if we can set up NPC's to drop multiple items. I could have an actual bag of coin show up in inventory, but then it becomes a quest item--one that is actually not needed and would have to set up an event so it could be consumed at some point.
Q: The door leaving the BlackDragon Inn is not attached to the wall.
A: I will fix that.
Q: An NPC named Drelnza? There's an EverQuest NPC named Drelzna.... I even use her in a couple of my own adventures...
A: I was not aware of an NPC named Drelnza in EverQuest, and I should, I played that for many years. Actually, the first time I came across this name was in a D&D module...I think 'The Lost Caverns of Tsojocanth' (that might be misspelled). She was a vampire in that story. I also had named my Delf Assassin Drelenza (a variation of the name) on EQ2.
Q: I tell Drelnza I cannot help, but I tell Erik I can help -- which is it?
A: I thought I fixed that. Back to the drawing board.
Q: The Gyr-Wolves say they are kobolds.
A: Hmmm. That should not happen. Might be a bug on the server side. I will go back and make sure their group name is fixed.
Q: After delivering the red mushroom and getting the meal, the boy still complains of the pain and I still promise to help, even though I have already done so.
A: Yeah, I do not think he will recover immediately unless I can create a cut scene showing Drelnza concocting the cure. Sadly, we can not do cut scenes yet. I can manage something I suppose.
Q: If we didn't already know the guard was a terrible guard, letting people in, we'd know it once we found out there was a huge zombie battle going on just on the other side of the gate of which he was entirely unaware.
A: Indeed. He is terrible.
Q: Mayor Oloff was told by the guards that I have a letter for him? Which guards? The only guard I've talked with is the guard who had never even been inside Ash Grove, and abandoned his post as soon as I gave him some food.
A: Oooops. Yeah, originally there was a night guard and a morning guard, but there was too much running about as the other reviewer pointed out and I cut one out. I will change the story to reflect the change.
Q: Sparkly line was useless in River Journey, should be turned off.
A: Oh! How can I do that?
Q: Portcullis in Tomb of he Ancie.... still has default name. Also, not entirely closed.
A: Ok. Will try to find that and rename it.
Q: "Glowing blue orb" looks like a glowing yellow orb.
A: Yeah....they all look yellow to me. I will see if I can replace them with the correct color of lighting.
Q: Mable and the Mayor are standing on the treasure chest when returning to Ash Grove. Made it hard to open the chest -- kept talking to Mable or the Mayor.
A: Weird. Thought I fixed that too. Making a to-do list now.
Q: Well, I think this adventure went pretty well. The places where the dialog turns into a story -- "And then", he said, "Something happened" -- should be changed to be more just speaking or whatever, with any emphasis added through animations. There were some spelling and grammar errors, but nothing too egregious and better than most. Running around the ancient crypt for orbs was typical adventure stuff. Not sure why the lich protected itself this way, but who knows the mind of a lich?
Good adventure!
A: Thanks! I am playing your foundry tonight and fixing my quest.
I had the chance to run Tempest in a Freepot tonight. As an old Everquest player and Druid, I found many things that reminded me of the game, was a nice change of pace
Things I noticed or found odd ...
When I first spoke to Nina, I told her I had not done the previous quest, the sealing of najena's lair. Though she still acted as if I had done it. When I spoke to Alonso, he also acted as if I had done it and even commented on stories that had spread about me doing so. Since I had said I hadn't done the previous quest, the whole conversation was a bit odd.
Outside of Freeport - I really felt I was in the surroundings of old Freeport for bit, there were even orc camps! But, then I yelled out "Who is camping what orc camp?" and got no replies, so knew it wasn't real ;/
Duke Antonio - inside the building in Freeport - ooc text "...fixes you with hsi piercing..." (his)
Ship's Master - inside building - he spawned right on top of me during the conversation, I was standing in front of Alonso, may want to move him a little to the side.
- objective - speak to Ship's Master - He refers to the king as "King Alfonso" instead of Alonso.
Objective - Head to the Ship - I went to the ship, but the quest didn't advance, I walked around a bit looking, then spoke to the First Mate, which advanced the story. It doesn't say to speak to him, just to go to the ship.
- the prompt when talking to him is "Continue", perhaps something else in it's place? Also his one box of text seemed kind of abrupt, he doesn't give you a chance to answer or ask questions, etc.
The part with the fire elementals seemed a bit odd, from speaking to prospero on the beach he said he had them spawned and attack by aleria. Though I didn't see any type of summoning attempt or spells cast etc. One second there was nothing, then poof lots of them. Considering we were at sea, in a tempest (bad sea storm?) wouldn't the storm have been a deterrent to them? Fire and Water don't generally mix well. Could be just looking at it too closely, just seemed kinda odd to me.
After speaking to Alonso - killing undead outside building - many of the buildings were blinking in and out (disappearing and reappearing) as I turned various ways during the fight, looked like maybe they were right on or just behind the room builder wall for that part? I've seen problems with things doing that in several other quests when to close to the walls. Something to do with collision.
If you get a chance, please run my newest quest, Clan Ravenclaw
[1] Devils in the Sewer
[2] The Summoning
[3] Temple of the Winds
Clan Ravenclaw
Children's Babble
Solstice Academy
Evil Gnome Night
Behind The Crawler Below
Night of the Cave People
I'll get to yours on my list today most likely.
My quest is: The Summon Chapter 1 -- NW-DAN23WIAM
Absolutely!
Playing yours now
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Lilia "She lifts up her sleeve and reveals..." Consider using the OOC font instead of the Mission Info font. Advising her to let herself be killed seems unusually harsh.
A Battle Wight Commander got hung up on one of the broken columns in the road.
Nice use of columns and atmosphere leading to the exit in the Dream!
Okay (have not yet finished this). The ghost is urging me to get out now before I die needlessly, yet the only way out goes through enemies I can't ignore? I think the ghost's advice was not helpful. Also, I'm meeting a lot of very alive creatures in my dream. I think I would have liked an option there to take the easy way out, or to ignore the ghost and take the more difficult path -- a sort of adjustable difficulty.
Not sure all these orc encounters fit the theme...
Nightmare: I'm a sucker for tremors and things going rapidly pear-shaped during a battle! However, the exit is obscured by the red flame pillar in the middle. I can see the exit, but I can't interact with it. Ah, I had to run to a certain point, and then it was interactable. Odd -- almost quit out of it at that point.
??? chose the teleport when I landed in the zone, landed in the water. This must be how people who land in the water get back up! I would drop them from higher up so that they can't use the teleport to get to the water.
One mob on the second platform in ??? fell to the water and can't find them... aha there they are.
Third platform -- ogre savage fell right off platform at the beginning and, again, had to be fought in the water. He won't even fight back.... Quest objective is to inspect orc skirmisher's body, but it is an ogre savage's body.
"Press F to Into the fire again!" for exit text from ???. change Into to "enter"?
Afterward, talking to Lilia -- I don't remember fighting any gigantic spiders....?
Okay, finished. I liked it -- I really enjoyed a lot of it. I think maybe you could lose one of the maps without losing any of the fun to make the quest a little shorter.
The trash encounters seemed somewhat generic, and not sure how well they fit the theme of being in a dream with ghosts. That said, Dragon Age: Origins had a similar stage, and they explained it by saying these were the nightmares of the people in your party. So if that's where you're going, I guess you're in good company.
"Your Hawk Companion" showed up in the first map, then disappeared. I think I would have liked to have seen the hawk companion continue to lead you through the worlds as a nice thread of continuity. I was very disappointed not to see him after that first map.
The set pieces at the end of each map were very well done and a lot of fun. The suspended above water thing at the ??? stage, though, caused a few issues with mobs dropping off and stuff. You may want to use the map with the "kill volume" -- the one with the shadowy hills far below -- so both the player and the mobs are instantly killed if they fall off. Since the water is only knee deep anyway and no real danger (e.g., it probably is a good strategy to pull every group down to the water), changing it to certain death might help.
Fun adventure, reviewed and tipped, looking forward to the next chapter.
I forgot to change some points in the dialogue after I edited the quest a few times, so thanks for pointing those out! I'll also change the encounters a bit
I will consider every point you mentioned when I polish and edit mines after I run your Foundry. Thanks again for taking time to run through and give me such a good review!
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Tempest in a Freepot:
First the title, I'm pretty sure it should be "free pot" instead.
The map "Freeport" should maybe again, change to "Free Port." Also, it could use a bit more green such as grass or bushes. I see tress, but no soil or grass. Perhaps, also a little bit of debris since the orcs are causing quite a bit of trouble in the area. The addition of some music would definitely improve it as well.
While talking to Drelzna she said "kinf gestures" should be "kind gestures"
On the Ocean of Tears ship, I see you've put a fog. However, it looks... odd when you look up and you see the light gray shape of the ship and the sky together. Maybe add FX mists for that foggy atmosphere without looking too odd. You can also see if there is another overlay under backdrop that would fit. Also, perhaps make the clouds move as well as a suggestion.
Upon fleeing, the ship didn't look as if it was going to sink or anything dangerous. I only noticed the crates on fire. Perhaps add more fire onto the ship.
"An Ancient Island" looks really barren. Could again, use some more detailing. Perhaps trees, birds, and more ruins?
Overall I think it was a great story line accompanied by decent combat. I think the quest as a whole could use more detailing and work in the environments. The addition of music, as I've said, could really improve the quest experience.
1.) Pham didn't look like he was doing anything do cast the spell. Maybe add an animation for that part.
2.) The cave bear was outside of the cave.
3.) The orc shaman could use some customization. You did great on the other orcs though.
4.) I managed to find a stuck spot if the player goes to the area behind the guy who Drelzna asks the player to bring a letter to.
5.) The undead could use some customization.
6.) Jeets? I guess you are adding a few DDO aspects in as well.
Great quest!
Check out my Foundry questline, The Brightstone Explorers' Guild, now archived on Youtube!