Ashmadai Incursion - Temple of the Winds

chieori · December 2013

Ashmadai Incursion - Temple of the Winds by@Chieori

Short Code: NW-DM5JFJ3UL
Mission Type: Multi-map Outdoor Environment, Explorer and Hack-n-slash
Average Duration: 18 Minutes Daily Eligible
Amount of Combat: Variable (depends on choices)
Starts at: Mountains (entrance via any PE Gateway)

Mission Summary:
This is the third part in the Ashmadai Campaign. However, it is designed to be ran as a first time quest as well. Not running part one or part two first, will leave a few gaps in the story, but there is an opportunity to learn lore from the previous quests, if interested.

Rupert has found where the Ashmadai have gone, while also looking into what they are doing. He needs your help once again. Meet him in the mountains southeast of Protector's Enclave, to start your adventure.

Author tips/hints:
This quest is straight forward, exploring is not required. However, exploring does offer more chances to explore and some side quests.

Screenshots/attachments:
Inside the Temple:

The Temple:

Bonus Area:

chieori · December 2013

This quest is currently in BETA and I am Trading Reviews.

If you have a quest you would like to trade reviews, please post here, the name of the quest and the short code. If you have more than one quest in your signature, please specify which you want reviewed, not just in my signature. Thanks

Quests Reviewed:
*The Beggar's Gift - NW-DFXK4D6WF [post=6896821]Review![/post]
*Into the Underdark - NW-DI9MIONTC [post=6913031]Review![/post]
*Dirty Laundry - NW-DA2XEXURF [post=6920241]Review![/post]
Goblin Grotto - NW-DSR6ZUDM2 [post=6925511]Review![/post]
The Sealing of Najena's Lair - NW-DBQH5L5QB [post=6941421]Review![/post]
Dungeons of Mirent Tusk - NW-DOMQX3BFJ [post=6947911]Review![/post]
Orc Raid Investigation - NW-DQFVBUZKY [post=6948711]Review![/post]
The Shadowfell Disciples - NW-DEBISCCCR [post=6949091]Review![/post] (Part one - The Planar Conflict)
The Demonweb Game: NW-DHBGM6VVC [post=6953841]Review![/post] (Part two - The Planar Conflict)
A Construct's Prison - NW-DMSU8OJTV [post=6954821]Review![/post]
The Shadowfell Fortress - NW-DC866MQVH [post=6993581]Review![/post] (Part three - The Planar Conflict)
The Divinity of Lankeshire - NW-DF7Y9QTCM [post=6994531]Review![/post]
*A Bad Bid - NW-DORPT2TFR [post=6996111]Review![/post]
Grey Society Introduction - NW-DPCKXGHQ7 [post=7030591]Review![/post]
Crimson Descent - NW-DRWNLMGYV [post=7044261]Review![/post]
Act 1 Enchanted Castle - NW-DU7IXVVDR [post=7054621]Review![/post]
*Saving Lameer - NW-DAIPRDQUX [post=7063471]Review![/post]
*A-Maze-ing 1.3. - NW-DFNSEHTY5 [post=7063531]Review![/post]
*A Vacation in the Hill Country - NW-DHPPFCRU4 [post=7087651]Review![/post]
The Lost Children -NW-DU2N4I5YN [post=7094561]Review![/post]

Quests Pending Review:

*(Did not return trade review as yet)

chieori · December 2013

Still looking to Trade Reviews for this quest. Temple of the Winds is now Daily Eligible!

beeblebrox69 · December 2013

Some notes while I play:

-Quest tracker says "Go to mountains" but map says "Ancient Ruins." No biggie, but a little confusing
-A number of typos in dialog...again, no biggie, but worthy of polishing
-Maps look good!
-In Wind Walking, there's a lot of walking and it gets a bit tedious, perhaps break it up with an encounter on one of the islands or something like that
-Really do like the look of Wind Walking though...good stuff!
-The story is interesting

Really good work, but needs some polish. Go through and clean up the typos. If you can possibly streamline some of the walking, that would help, or at least recommend that the player have a mount because there's a LOT of walking...

But the maps look good, the encounters were fine, story was intriguing... keep up the good work!

If you could give mine a go when you get a chance, I'd appreciate it... The Prelude is in my signature, but I just finished Chapter 1 and it is what REALLY needs some plays and feedback...

THE VAALYR PROPHECY
Ch.1: Goblin Grotto
NW-DSR6ZUDM2 (in the FOR REVIEW tab...but searching by short code doesn't seem to be working for me...searching "goblin" in the FOR REVIEW tab brings it up at the bottom of the list)

Thanks for the play, and thanks for taking the time to craft an enjoyable adventure!

chieori · January 2014

beeblebrox69 wrote: »

Some notes while I play:

-Quest tracker says "Go to mountains" but map says "Ancient Ruins." No biggie, but a little confusing
-A number of typos in dialog...again, no biggie, but worthy of polishing
-Maps look good!
-In Wind Walking, there's a lot of walking and it gets a bit tedious, perhaps break it up with an encounter on one of the islands or something like that
-Really do like the look of Wind Walking though...good stuff!
-The story is interesting

Really good work, but needs some polish. Go through and clean up the typos. If you can possibly streamline some of the walking, that would help, or at least recommend that the player have a mount because there's a LOT of walking...

But the maps look good, the encounters were fine, story was intriguing... keep up the good work!

If you could give mine a go when you get a chance, I'd appreciate it... The Prelude is in my signature, but I just finished Chapter 1 and it is what REALLY needs some plays and feedback...

THE VAALYR PROPHECY
Ch.1: Goblin Grotto
NW-DSR6ZUDM2 (in the FOR REVIEW tab...but searching by short code doesn't seem to be working for me...searching "goblin" in the FOR REVIEW tab brings it up at the bottom of the list)

Thanks for the play, and thanks for taking the time to craft an enjoyable adventure!

I made a few changes to this quest, but still waiting on them to fix the publishing issue.

1] I added in a shortcut about halfway through the 2nd map, but it requires the player to do some of the Side Quests to be able to access it.

2] I modified the fight choices in the 3rd map to include Side Quests in order to get the option of Negotiating with the Ashmadai and no combat. This gives those that like to Explore and do Side Quests a shorter ending as a reward for spending more time doing other things.

tipadaknife · January 2014

I'd like to trade reviews. I'm about to play yours; if you could play NW-DBQH5L5QB, The Sealing of Najena's Lair, I would be very appreciative

Thanks!
---
I like the feeling of being in an old caldera in the first map.
Since your here = Since you're here
Don't need to capitalize Mind in "Actually, I changed my Mind".
to complicated = too complicated
Where should i start from? = Where should I start from?
Archeologist = Archaeologist. I think it was just the first mention from Rupert, as it's spelled correctly elsewhere. A dwarf archaeologist spelled it "archaeoligist", but that's certainly because of his thick dwarven brogue

pickup that hammer = pick up that hammer

I like the optional selection Allen gives after you break some rocks

The sentence "Perhaps, if you use large amounts, but small charges may just shift the rocks around, making it easier to move them" is a little hard to understand.

LOVE the sound of explosions in the distance! And the changes to the landscape are awesome!

After bringing the injured man water, "Your welcome" = "You're welcome". Still had the mug of water after giving it to him. Maybe he could ask the player to set it on a nearby rock for him that could swallow the item and then reveal the mug placed on that rock?

"... Allen said that the Glyph's he found" = "Glyphs he found".

"I'll take a loook" = "I'll take a look"

When the demons attack, a couple of NPCs named "Fighter" and "Cleric" popped up. First, where'd they come from? Were they hiding in the camp? Second, they had generic names and costumes. Should they be the names and costumes of the archaeologists who were at the camp?

I LOVE the portal effects and construction. I may have to steal that....

After the big fight and the portal rising and all that, the next quest objective is "Inform Rupert'. I think he knows! Hmmm.... after talking to him, it seems like he missed the fight. Must have been looking in the wrong direction. "Well done Player" = "Well done, Player". Unless I was cooked "well done" by those demons!

"Now, I think it is time to proceed onward, go activate ... " = "Now, I think it is time to proceed onward. Go activate ..."

I see he DID know about the Ashmodai. Nice of him to warn us. "un welcome" = "unwelcome".

"The Archaeologist's here ..." = "The archaeologists here ..."

Love the long ramp spiraling up around the crater. That must have taken a long time to build. I wonder why the archaeologists wouldn't want to come along....

Forwarning = Forewarning
Proceed towards your destiny = Proceed toward your destiny

Lovely landscape! Was this a pre-made area, or did you make all those hills in the mist?

Love the wind spirits. l also love how the bridges appear as you get close. Love the portal area and the whole walking in the clouds maze thing.

Love the design of the temple. Was that something you made, or is it a pre-made? Very impressive.

Rodney, the vegetable seller - both options say you don't want to buy vegetables? Only need one. All the vendors have the exact same dialog, and none will let me buy anything. Do they have a purpose? Karen has an additional option.

In dialog with the captain of the guard, He considers what we said, then disagree's = disagrees, noone = no one, Overview does not need to be capitalized. "... attention of the Priestess's" = "... attention of the Priestess (or Priestesses, if there's more than one of them)".

When I'm knocking on the doors of the homes on the north side of the temple courtyard, there's a volume gate opening and closing somewhere I can't see or get to.

Found Sara! There's also a Sarah selling stuff. Popular name, up in the Temple of the Winds.

Hey, how'd that mimic get there?

"This door leads to the Temple Quarters, where the Priestess sleep". It's either "... where the Priestesses sleep," or "... where the Priestess sleeps".

"nonevil lycanthropes" = "good-aligned lycanthropes"???

"The Tavern is only open after hours". Um, is it ever open?

"Give and Overview of events so fat..." = "Give an overview of the events so far...". How would he not know about the big, massive fight that just happened? Must be that helmet.

"enroute" = "en route" -- two words.

"let her know whats happened" = "let her know what's happened". If she's en route, why can't I just wait for her here? Ah, I see -- Stephanie isn't the high priestess. Still, I'd have expected to see Stephanie on the way. Instead, she's chatting up Meirin.

"Selune would have you convice them" = "convince them".

Weird that we would want to speak to the Ashmadai ambassador right in the middle of the temple. Maybe outside the temple, just to be safe?

"Shar has led you to believe their is a item here you want" = "Shar has led you to believe there is an item here you want."

"Consider the item your after" = "Consider the item you're after"

"Would you permit me to use a dispell on you" = it's spelled dispel, but perhaps it would be clearer to say, "May I use a spell to clear any magics that shroud your thoughts?".

I definitely want to know the simple magic that would kill a high-level Ashmadai!

He is bound here? Would a dispel free him from his bondage?

"However, if i am harmed" = "if I am harmed"

Sara was awfully blase about that portal!

Rupert! It was you all along! And you'd have gotten away with it if it weren't for those nosy kids!

Thanks! Gave it five stars, max tip

chieori · January 2014

Greetings @tipadaknife!

Thank you for running my quest! ... wow, guess I need to do some serious proof reading lol! Thanks a ton for noting all the typo's, makes it easier to correct them

**Lovely landscape! Was this a pre-made area, or did you make all those hills in the mist?**
The map itself is a premade, the hills and mountains down below are all part of the map. I did add white ground fog though, to enhance the cloud like effect. All the islands and such I built.

**Love the design of the temple. Was that something you made, or is it a pre-made? Very impressive.**
Again, the map is a premade. The Temple however, is completely hand built.

**The vendor's at the front**
I actually have some more things I am going to do with those, but I wanted to get what I had out for testing. If you choose the 2nd option, then that causes an effect somewhere in the temple, such as the Mimic, Sara the Bard, the Banners overhead, etc.

**When I'm knocking on the doors of the homes on the north side of the temple courtyard, there's a volume gate opening and closing somewhere I can't see or get to.
There is a tunnel under some of the buidlings, the gate is in there. Sometimes when the guards path too close, they set it off. Through the tunnel, there is another area, with more NPCs and details.

**Weird that we would want to speak to the Ashmadai ambassador right in the middle of the temple. Maybe outside the temple, just to be safe?
During her talk to you, she mentions that she will cast barriers, to contain him. That is the glowing lights and effects you see all around him as your speaking with him.

The quest items from the first map are not left there, because they are used/taken on the second map, if you explore/look in the right places. This also results in later usage of items on the third map, which you saw one on Karen, but didn't have the item to activate it

I will run your quest tomorrow, looking forward to it;)

tipadaknife · January 2014

Well, it's clear I'm going to have to run this one again

I missed lots, apparently!

chieori · January 2014

tipadaknife wrote: »

Well, it's clear I'm going to have to run this one again I missed lots, apparently!

I have gone through and updated all the dialog that you noted, as well as a few changes. I also added some additional content to both the 2nd and 3rd maps. The quest items from each map, actually play a bigger role now, as some choices will not be open if you didn't do them.

orangefiree · January 2014

I will play through your campaign shortly.

Would you mind checking out The Planar Conflict: NWS-DG4CX25DT? If you don't want to play through the whole thing that is fine, though the story continues in each quest.

chieori · January 2014

Added to my review list, I already had it on my short list to run

orangefiree · January 2014

Huh? Why did these end up on the wrong thread?

orangefiree · January 2014

Wrong thread again, werid glitch.

solomonlok · January 2014

So I played the 3rd Quest (Temple of the Winds) and I liked it so much that I will play the other two soon

Things I liked especially:
- the huge amount of optional dialog and that random NPCs can be talked to
- map design in general (especiall map 3)

Small things you could improve:
- the 2 map transfers are using the overworld map... why? It would be simpler to just put the player on the next map. The first time I was confused and almost didn't relaize that I'm supposed to go to map 2.
- the skeletons at the very end of map 2 are called "zealots" - not sure if this is intended.
- the golem in map 2 on the island is sort of hovering in his initial position but I'm not sure if this is fixable since there is so little space.

PS: feedback on my foundry would be greatly appreciated(see sig)

chieori · January 2014

Greetings solomonlok!

First, thank you for running my quest, much appreciated! Glad you liked it

**the 2 map transfers are using the overworld map... why? It would be simpler to just put the player on the next map. The first time I was confused and almost didn't relaize that I'm supposed to go to map 2.**
The purpose for this, is it is a multi-map quest, not everyone that runs the quest may have the time or bag space(if low level) to run through all of it, in one shot. This gives them the option to go to town to sell and/or continue later to the next section. A stop over point if you will.

**the golem in map 2 on the island is sort of hovering in his initial position but I'm not sure if this is fixable since there is so little space.**
Not sure if you noticed, but he has no legs/feet. So, that's kinda why he hovers

He is bound to that location as it's guardian, he can't leave.

solomonlok · January 2014

chieori wrote: »

one that runs the quest may have the time or bag space(if low level) to run through all of it, in one shot. This gives them the option to go to town to sell and/or continue later to the next section. A stop over point if you will.

Actually that is a great Idea, not sure why I didn't think of that. As for the Golem - no I didn't notice any feet issues cause I rushed in to punch him repeatedly :P

I will look into side quests for my next foundry and I'll probably come back to you with some questions if you don't mind, cause I really liked the way you handled yours.

basilisque · January 2014

Hello there! I was thinking of doing some review trades to try and break into the foundry community, and your quest looks promising so I've decided to give it a go. So, if you're still up for trading reviews then add me to the list!

As an extra I will (if you don't mind) review your campaign as a whole rather than just this quest. I figure that'll give me a better perspective on the whole thing.

kellnaforian · January 2014

I enjoyed this quest! The map making is very well done and had to have taken a great amount of time. Well worth running this quest just to see this, but there is more...a solid story, good character interactions, and some challenging combat.

I sent a PM with some minor things to take a look at. Time pending, I may run again later and not accidently hit enter before typing my comment. Gave 5 stars and a tip.

chieori · January 2014

Just wanted to add a couple extra screenshots of the temple.

Just inside the Temple:

Bird's eye view of the courtyard:

basilisque · January 2014

Alright! I've played the whole campaign and I've taken notes along the way.
I haven't exactly been thorough, but I think I've gotten a pretty good look at the whole thing.

First off:
I really like the amount of choice you give your players. Side-quests (which I didn't do any of, though), several optional objectives and multiple quest paths. Very, very nice!

Now, for the first quest:
The Sewer Thingie:
Generally pretty solid. Good environment although it feels a bit repetitive in some places, nice combat and above-average dialogue.
The one thing I really took note of in this quest which you should look into is the kobold spirits. Everything from the way they behave to the way you re-use large parts of their dialogue really dragged down this quest. When I met the second one I was all like 'What? The same one again?', and it took me a bit to realize that it was probably the brother. Additionally their pressence seems sorta' pointless. I mean, I know that they give insights into what has happened... but why are they there? They give no indication that they're bound to the place due to their involvement with the Ashmadai especially since they can apparently just leave whenever they feel like it, and the way they yawn before they disappear gives the impression that they don't really give a **** about the whole thing. Are they just chilling in the sewers or what? :P

A few minor comments:
-I passed through the objective point at the side-quest turn-in board, and got into the next room before anything spawned. I was pretty confused for a bit and had to go back out and walk around in circles before It activated and I could continue the quest.
-The big demon in the final room uses a female model, but it is still named as a 'Lord'. You might wanna' change this to 'Lady', unless there's some DnD lore relating to that which I don't know about.
-After you kill the last boss RUPERT APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE! >:O This is only a minor complaint, but since I've seen that you made him walk into the hall in the second quest I think you oughta' fix this.

The Summonastraganza:
Again; a really solid adventure which is above the average by several points. Nicely done!
I don't have much to say about this one which I haven't already said, so here's the few minor things I noted;
-During the first encounter the game played two seperate music tracks at the same time. This might be a bug, but It was really annoying.
-At the end when Rupert arrives he tells you to collect your reward from the chest, but the chest is in the other end of the huge bossfight room and Rupert has just arrived.
He either put way too much effort into magically moving the chest into a spot where it's annoying for you to get to, or he is SECRETLY IN LEAGUE WITH THE DEMONS. :mad:

Mosque of the Gusts:
I liked this one a decent bit more than the other two. It stood out in several ways, and you made some very nice and unique scenery. Had it not been for some minor annoyances this woulda' been 5/5 material.
Things which I really liked:
-Basing the demons on the foulspawn encounters works really well. Good thinking!
-The extra choices on this one were very nice.
-The floating islands were kicka*s.
-That one time where you're in the middle of a conversation and the demons start appearing in the background was EXCELLENT! I was all like 'Oh DAYUM! Speak of the devil!'. Very nicely done!

Some minor complaints are:
-A lack of music. I had no music during the entire time when I was at the temple.
-The two named archaeologists are identical. Are they twins or something?
-You use the overworld make a lot more than necessary in this one. If I were you I'd make them regular map transitions instead.
-The guard captain is placed rather oddly. If you're the captain of the guard, wouldn't you be slightly better positioned than in a regular guard's post? Of course, that depends entirely on the context I guess.

Aaaand one large complaint...
I couldn't actually finish the quest. For some reason the reward chest was placed inside a building, which meant I couldn't get to it.
You might wanna' fix that. :S

Overall Rating: 4,3/5
It's a pretty solid campaign with an above-average story and nice environments.
The last quest really stands out, and I'd definitely say that one's worth a playthrough or two.
Cheers!

chieori · January 2014

basilisque, thanks greatly for running the whole campaign!

The first quest, was the very first quest I made in the foundry. I have since started doing some revamps and updates to it and still plan to make a few more. The budgets on everything is pretty much maxed out, so limited as to what all I can change, without doing a complete redo of the quest.

I'll look into the issues you mentioned and already have plans to rework the Spirits. Also, Rupert has an optional text that explains why and how he got there so fast, there's also a sewer grate on the floor behind him, that has a contact, stating that is how he got there.

I'll also look at your points in the second quest.

Not sure why the music isn't playing, but I'll look into it. I've actually had music issues in a number of quests the past few days, not just my quests.

I'm sorry you didn't get to finish the quest, the chest is inside the building, however the building can be gone into anytime during the quest. It is a custom made building.There is a doorway in the main walkway that opens into it, there's actually no door, it's always open. Kind of a big gaping hole, not sure how you missed it. There is a sign hanging on the wall next to the door also. There is also a carpet going into the building off the main carpet. I think you have to walk past the doorway 5 times

basilisque · January 2014

Huh, that's strange. I walked around the whole thing to find an entrance to the building but found nothing.

Oh well. I'm not the most coordinated person so I guess I must've missed it.
Cheers!

chieori · January 2014

Change Log:

Made a few passes on typo's, hopefully got them all.

Tweaked several encounters to be a bit more inline with the theme, to include costume changes and animations.
- Helpers on first map received a clothing change and renaming.
- Skeletons on second map renamed.
- Bonus fight isle, redid naming and costumes.
- Last encounter on the third map, new costumes and names.

Moved the final chest to an easier to find location.

Still looking to Trade Reviews, trying to get this polished and finished up.

casmelak · January 2014

Ashmadai Incursion - Temple of the Winds by @Chieori
NW-DM5JFJ3UL

====================================

Played and reviewed

Overall: This quest is both visually, and technically, outstanding. There were a number of typographical, grammatical, syntactical, and stylistic concerns that I noted in my detailed feedback, below. Other than those issues, and a few suggestions, I absolutely loved this quest. I will definitely be going back to play the first two. I might actually end up running this a few more times to get some other side-quests. I was admittedly in a bit of a hurry... tired.

In any case, thank you again for running my quest, and I'm quite interested in any other feedback you have to offer. I also look forward to running the rest of yours!

SETTING -- Ancient Ruins

++++++++++++++++
Details
++++++++++++++++

+I already like this quest. The first setting -- with the uninspired name -- very much immerses you in the sense of exploration.

+LOVE the bards. Seriously. Great little addition. A humble suggestion. Come up with different names for them. "Bard of [History | Lore]", "Bard of [Completionists | Valor]"?, "Bard of Adventure". Something like that.

+Terrific job with the scenery. The custom camp-site and dig-site are really great. I guess the only thing that seems strange is why it's so bright in the dig at night. I know it's a full moon and all, but the aperture in the dome is pretty small to let in that much light. (especially with the fog) Maybe have some torches and/or braziers around?

+Very nice effects on the fight with the Pit Fiend

+I really liked the spanning bridge effect. Very creative.

-'Inform Rupert': Seems like he'd be more or less clued in...standing 30 feet away and all. (A few typos/questionable items in the last dialogue with Rupert. "in deed", "comming")

-NOTE: In the dialogue options you should punctuate the ends of the sentences. In as much as they represent complete thoughts and are sentences.

-Another note: Just for the sake of authenticity, there should be a 'discards' pile -- a rubble heap where they've thrown the dug-up dirt/stones from their excavation.

++++++++++++++++
Dialogue
++++++++++++++++

Interact - Stones

"[OOC]The stones seem to glow softly and give off a pulsing type of effect, like they are fully of some type of power[/OOC]"

consider

"[OOC]The stones appear to glow softly -- and are giving off a type of pulsing effect -- like they are full of some type of power[/OOC]"

Northeastern Archaeologist | Conversation

Prompt: "Have you discovered anything about them?"

"Only that they seem to be concealing something, there appears to be a hollow section inside this grouping. Though we have not found a way inside yet."

Consider:

"Only that they seem to be concealing something. There appears to be a hollow section inside this grouping, though we have not found a way inside yet."

Rupert | First conversation

Prompt: "What is this place?"

"[OOC]Nearest as we can tell, it is an ancient ruin. Why it is here, who built it and what it is for, we have yet to find out.[/OOC]"

Consider:

"[OOC]Near as we can tell, it's an ancient ruin. Why it's here, who built it, and what it's for, we have yet to discover.[/OOC]"

Prompt: "Where should I start from?"

Consider: "Where should I start?"

Prompt: "Where should I start?"

"Rupert smiles litely."

Consider:

"Rupert smiles lightly."
"Rupert smiles slightly."
"Rupert smiles politely"

"There are a number of Archaeologists near the ruins and walls of this area."

Consider: ('are a number' 'a number [singular]' is the subject of the plural passive 'to be', not 'Archaeologists [plural]')

"There's a number of archaeologists near the ruins and walls of this area."
"There are several archaeologists near the ruins and walls of this area."
"There are numerous archaeologists near the ruins and walls of this area."

Southwest Bard (red hair)

"There are a number of side quests, non of them are required to progress or complete the main story."

Consider:

"There's a number of side-quests. None of them are required to progress, or complete the main story."

"[OOC]Each side quest completed, opens another option on the next map. If you do no complete them, the next option, will not be there for you to try.[/OOC]

Consider:

"[OOC]Each side quest completed opens an additional option on the next map. If you do not complete them, the next option will not be made available to you.[/OOC]

"Some can lead to an encounter, for bonus experience."

Consider:

"Some can lead to an encounter. (bonus experience)"

"Some, when done, will give a tie in to the main story, for more Lore."

Consider:

"Some, when done, will give a tie-in to the main story. (more Lore)"

North Bard (brunette)

"Greetings [Nickname]!"

Consider:

"Greetings, [Nickname]!"

"If you find any bugs or issues, please let me know!"

Consider:

"Please let me know if you find any bugs or issues!"

"You may of course leave it in the review, but remember to keep it brief, the review panel doesn't have much space."

Consider:

"You may, of course, leave it in the review; but, remember to keep it brief. (the review panel doesn't have much space)"

"Keep in mind while playing this adventure. I have no control over loot drops or resource caches. These are controlled by Cryptic only."

Consider:

"Keep in mind, while playing this adventure, that I have no control over loot drops or resource caches. (Loot drops are controlled by Cryptic only)"

Southeastern Bard

Ashmadai Invasion - an Overview

"This Lore is about the Ashmadai Incursion thank you for your interest!
There are three parts to this Campaign."

(List is fine.)

"Rupert is a business man, who handles a lot of freight and supplies." (Second sentence is fine.)

"Kobolds made their home in these sewers and Rupert made a deal with them, to watch over his items.

Unfortunately, Kobolds can be somewhat greedy. One such Kobold Shaman, tried to summon a minion to aid him, but got something much, much worse. An Ashmadai Summoner."

Consider:

"This Lore is about the Ashmadai Incursion. Thank you for your interest!
There are three parts to this campaign:"

(List is fine.)

"Rupert is a business man who handles a lot of freight and supplies." (Second sentence is fine.)

"Kobolds made their home in these sewers and Rupert made a deal with them to watch over his items.
Unfortunately, Kobolds can be somewhat greedy. One such Kobold Shaman tried to summon a minion to aid him. He got something much, much worse: An Ashmadai Summoner."

Prompt: "Continue..."

Consider: "Con"

"[ooc]Continued...[/ooc]"

(First sentence is fine.)

"Rupert hired Adventurers, like yourself, to rid the sewers of the Ashmadai and return his freight to him.
After clearing the Upper Sewers, the quest was halted, while the search for the Lower Sewers took place."

Response: "Continue..."

Consider:

"[ooc]The bard continues...[/ooc]

(First sentence is fine.)

"Rupert hired adventurers like yourself to rid the sewers of the Ashmadai and return his freight to him.
After clearing the Upper Sewers, the quest was halted while the search for the Lower Sewers took place."

Response: "Please go on..."

Prompt: "Continue..."

"[ooc]Continued...[/ooc]"

"Upon locating the Lower Sewers, Rupert once again sent out a call for help, to aid him in clearing it."

"This section of the sewer, contained a large number of Ashmadai, preparing for an attack, on an as yet unknown location."

"The adventerers progressed through the sewer, finding a Assault Chief, training devils and holding other creatures prisoner, for training practice."

"Progressing deeper, found a large summoning chamber, where many Ashmadai were being brought in for the upcomming attack."

"At the end of this adventure, found a smaller portal, with Ashmadai leaving for somewhere else. The portal closed and where it lead to, had to be discovered."

(Final sentence is fine.)

Consider:

"[ooc]She fills you in on the rest of the campaign:[/ooc]"

"Upon locating the Lower Sewers, Rupert once again sent out a call for help to aid him in clearing the area."

"This section of the sewer contained a large number of Ashmadai preparing for an attack."

"The adventurers progressed through the sewer, finding an Assault Chief, who was training devils and holding other creatures prisoner for training practice."

"Progressing deeper, they found a large summoning chamber where many Ashmadai were being brought in for the upcoming attack."

"At the end of this adventure, the group found the remaining Ashmadai leaving through a smaller portal. The portal closed, leaving the party to wonder where it led."

Western Archaeologist (inside 'stonehenge')

Prompt: "What are you doing?"

"I am checking these rocks around the ruins, for any unusual wear or symbols."

Consider:

"I'm checking these rocks around the ruins for any unusual wear, or symbols."

Prompt: "Rupert asked me to investigate"

"Examining rocks and ruins to find information, that is what an archaeologist does."

Consider:

"Examining rocks and ruins to find information, well, that is what an archaeologist does."
"Examining rocks and ruins to find information, well, that is just what an archaeologist does."
"Examining rocks and ruins to find information, well, that's just what an archaeologist does."
"Examining rocks and ruins to find information, well, that's what an archaeologist does."
"Examining rocks and ruins to find information. That's what an archaeologist does."
"Examining rocks and ruins to find information, well... that's what an archaeologist does."
"Examining rocks and ruins to find information... that's just what an archaeologist does."

SETTING -- Wind Walking

++++++++++++++++
Details
++++++++++++++++

+Double-plus unbad!
+Very, very pretty. Nice attention to detail.
+Interesting Oasis side-quests! A few too many in a row -- and a bit too repetitive -- but I like the idea, and it's well executed.

-Ruined building past the Oasis. Camp-fire on the wood of the building rather than on the stones. Seems... counter-productive.

++++++++++++++++
Dialogue
++++++++++++++++

Oasis Guardian

'disrepeair'

SETTING -- Temple of the Winds

++++++++++++++++
Details
++++++++++++++++

+Triple-Double-plus unbad!
+Very, very pretty. Nice attention to detail.

-Is the commander a halfling? The door that says it's his house looks like the door is ~3.5 feet tall.

-The 'Exit' door is kind of hard to line up with to execute your escape -- keeps saying 'out of line of sight' unless you hit it JUST right. Consider just using an invisible sphere interactable that sits on top of the door there. It would still LOOK like the door was your exit...it would just be less troublesome to click on.

++++++++++++++++
Dialogue
++++++++++++++++

Some minor issues, minor enough that I just couldn't bring myself to line-by-line it.

chieori · January 2014

Greetings casmelak!

Uhm WOW! Thanks for giving such a detailed review, I really love when people not only point out the mistakes, but give suggestions of ways to fix it. Even if I don't use their idea, it gets me thinking of different ways to do something, other than what I used. I'm glad you liked it and some of your ideas I may use straight out

chieori · January 2014

Still looking to Trade Reviews for this quest. If you would like to trade, please post your quest name and short code and I will get to it shortly.

myrmecoleon · January 2014

Hi chieori, just had a chance to run through Temple of the Winds. It was a very enjoyable run - and the side quests in particular were unexpected and fun. The second "clouds" map, the oasis and the temple were highlights in the design (there's a great amount of detail in the contacts and the construction of the temple). I appreciated the summary of events from the bards in the starting area - helped a lot to get me up to speed with the storyline. A very good adventure overall! Some additional thoughts below.

- In Rupert's dialogue in relation to the bards display, he says "Certainly, Speak with the Bard" - "Speak" should be lower case. One of the responses ("Ok, I'll' check back") has an additional apostrophe. Later, when he congratulates the player, "well done in deed" should be "indeed".

- In the Author's Notes bard's dialogue, "Loot drops are contolled by Cryptic only" should "controlled"; "good Adventering to you" should be "adventuring". Similarly, for the Lore bard, "The adventerers progressed through the sewer" should be "adventurers".

- In Allen's dialogue, the response "small charges may just shift the rocks around" should have an uppercase "S" in "Small". Also noticed a few stray commas throughout.

- I liked the winding path up to the clouds! It does seem a little bit sparse, but I appreciate it's difficult to do much with it (e.g. I expect encounters would fall through the cracks or the sides too easily!).

- The second area is really nice and visually interesting. Ooh, smoke golem.

- I knew that water droplet would come in handy. The oasis is a great concept - felt like I was building the place up. Now I'm a certified gardener!

- The view from the approach to the temple is great. There's a bit of scope for some more explorey-elements here around the side of the walls (or maybe there is and I missed it!).

- In Samael's dialogue, the response "No, thank you though" seems to require a skill. Is this intended?

- In the lore dialogue on Michelle's home, the second part spells Michelle "Micheele".

- The book in front of Stephanie can't be read due to line of sight issues. Perhaps raising the book a bit would work.

- Ouch. That blood's gonna be hard to get out of the carpet.

- In Meirin's dialogue, "convice" should be "convince" and "mislead" should be "misled".

- In the negotiator's dialogue, "Their is an item here" should be "there".

- The numbers of portals closed seemed a bit wonky. I was sure I closed 2, but the red text says I only closed 1/4.

chieori · January 2014

Greetings myrmecoleon!

Thank you for running my quest and for the detailed review. I will address the typo's you mentioned

**- In Samael's dialogue, the response "No, thank you though" seems to require a skill. Is this intended?**
In this case, there is a side quest item required to advance this part. Like the one chain that you did, there is a second chain that leads through all 3 maps. While the chain you did offers more side quests and a different outcome on the last map, this second chain gives additional XP in the form of bonus encounters.

**- The numbers of portals closed seemed a bit wonky. I was sure I closed 2, but the red text says I only closed 1/4. **
This is something I recently added and have been trying to get it to prompt correctly ever since, have a feeling I am going to rest it back to how it was to start with.

dtz · April 2014

A quick comment about Chapter 2: The Summoning (since I could only find the thread for Chapter 3).

At the end of the first level, when you find the sarcophagus and it prompts you to go down, an invisible clicky appears in midair just behind you. It took me far too long to realize that I had to click this - and not the sarcophagus - to actually go down. Especially because, depending on where I was standing, I thought I was interacting with it but was actually interacting with the sarcophagus.

celticgamer0 · April 2014

tipadaknife wrote: »

"Well done Player" = "Well done, Player". Unless I was cooked "well done" by those demons!

That made me giggle

Ashmadai Incursion - Temple of the Winds

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