[Looking for Reviews] The Witch of the North

ruinbane

Campaign: Tales of Neverwinter "NWS-DNWD6EZLY"
Adventure: The Witch of the North "NW-D16VFU8TQ"

In a last age, when the gods were expelled from the skies and walked together with the mortal ones, Neverwinter's city was raising as the jewel of the north, an example of civilization, peace and prosperity. In these times, the myths and legends that were happening in the heart of the forest turned the echo of the troubadours who were crossing the Inns and taverns of the north. The fable about the Witch of the North, it was one of those stories that got lost in the oblivion…

For the streets of the city, it crosses the rumor which a famous bard lodges at the Inn of the Moonstone Mask, it is said, that it is preparing a great performance that will take inside the place. Nobles and courtiers, visit frequently the establishment to know his name and the details of his work, without success, since the owners guard jealous the secret.

Quest Type: (45 min)

-Hard
-Balanced
-Dungeon Crawl

Note: Normally, I would design foundry quest in my native language but I am studying English and the foundry quest is a good method to improve it. Please, if you see a mistakes don’t doubt it and tell me to correct it.

sphecida

This sounds intriguing!

krisrmurray

The Moonstone mask bartender when the response says "What work?" a grammar issue "He are a looking a new tale that it can surprise the audience" -> "He is looking for a new tale that can surprise the audience." and then "My sister and I had a great idea" not "My sister and me, we had a great idea". And then instead of "You may found" use "You may find". Instead of the elder "tells an incredible", the elder "tells incredible". And "aren't listened *to* in the North". First response "storie" should just be "story". Tymora smiles *at* you.

Waitress:
Response 1: "I am looking *for the elder who tells* myths..."

The elder whatshisface comes every night to tell stories *nearby* the chimney, *he's telling the story about the dragon that kidnapped a princess of the south to marry her right now!*

I have to *admit*, when *I was* small, I was...

Diana Nightsong:
Response 1: ... Neverwinter to listen *to* the myths that *the* elder...

It's very interesting, I *didn't* have any idea that the people of the city listen *to* his tales. Just now he's close *to* the children; it will be better *for* him *if you* don't interrupt. It's better that you *drink* a beer while *he* finishes his tale.

Elder:
the elder strokes *his* long white...

his eyes don't *stray from* the dance...

You greet him, but *it takes a few seconds for him to react*

Good *night, youngsters*.

Response 1: *To tell you the truth, I came* from *Neverwinter to* compile...

The elder rubs *his* hands *on* his eyes...

Have you listened *to* the legend

Response 1: No instead of not

In *the* last age when the gods were expelled from the skies and walked together with *us mortals,* Neverwinter's forest was known as a *magical and delightful* place. The inhabitants who were living *in* the surroundings *tended* to avoid the forest *and the woodcutters. Only * [The rest doesn't make sense, I'm not sure what it means. Rephrase]

It was said that the forest had *it's own* life, some adventurers and *erudites* were ... and ruins of *the* Illefarn's

There are more spelling/grammar issues after this, but I got weary of looking at text after this point.

From a gamer perspective, I think you could go too long at the start without fighting.

Name the backpack gives you the moontear and add a low interact animation.

I ran out of inventory room for quest items and had to throw some of my loot away to hold it

There seems to be a map that's only purpose is transition around the "Enter the mooncrypt" quest. Can probably be eliminated.

I like the black and white view too. Gives it character.

Unfortunately, I died during the fight for "Rest the corrupted Spirit of the paladin" where I guess the portcullis closes behind you? So I cannot complete the adventure because I can't get passed the portcullis to get back to fight them.

You may want to move the respawn point or the portcullis so that if you die you are still able to respawn and complete the fight.

But enjoyed the adventure up to this point.

Check out my adventure in my sig! I still need reviews to get out of the Foundry dungeon. Thanks!

ruinbane

Thx and correct the mistakes. I will correct the adventure, the portcullis door is a great problem and probably i have to delete. Thx for your time. I review your adventure at night "european time"

sphecida

Okay, I tried this, too and had a similar experience.

So... you need to warn players not to try this quest solo unless they really want a challenge. I used around 30 potions. Admittedly, I am not the best at combat, but the stacked encounters got tiring very quickly:



and then there were more skeletons:



There were so many traps in the dungeon that my companion was constantly stuck. I did use some of the traps to help me kite the enemies. I was ready for the quest to be over, and then I hit the maze.

I made it this far:



before I died and re-spawned behind the maze. At that point, I decided my patience was at an end.

This is probably a really fun quest for people who love combat.

I liked the story. I wish there had been a difficulty slider so that I could have enjoyed the story without slogging through all those encounters.

As far as grammar, there are a lot of small errors, but I was able to understand most of the dialogues just fine. I would re-write that first dialogue with the barmaid:

"A frothy beer slips for the bar..."
A frothy tankard of ale slides down the bar towards the hands of a waiting noble, who takes a sip while winking at the smiling bartender (waitress or barmaid - as a woman, I prefer the word bartender).
What do you wish, a glass of Jack Dragons, or a pitcher of Green Goblin?
Give me a pitcher of the green poison to stiffen my resolve.

"your drink slips..."
your drink slides toward you down the bar, and you grab it nimbly
(I don't know what "savours to bush rates" means)
I was curious about the rumor I heard in the streets of Neverwinter of the great performance to be given by a mysterious bard.

"hot arms of your courtesans" - Remember that some players are straight women. You could give players a choice of responses when talking to the numerous flirtatious barmaids.

Many of the dialogues have two responses: continue or fail. It's more fun for the player to be given a choice of ways to respond, even though all responses lead to advancing the quest.

There was a backpack labeled "Backpack 01."

In English, only animals have genders, including humans. There are a few exceptions, such as ships. So if you're referring to an object, use the pronoun "it." Keep genders in agreement. The old bard should always be referred to using "he," "his" and "him." The female bartender should use "she" and "her".

I applaud you for writing your quest in English. I know how difficult and confusing English can be, and you've done really well. I think with some tweaking, this could be a wonderful quest.

ruinbane

Thx for your review Sphecida.

I will correct the difficult, delete traps and encounters. Very thx for mistakes.

I have a lot of work P).

Notes: The adventure needs correct somethings.

[Withdraw] The Witch of the North.

sphecida

Some traps are ok - it's just a lot of traps for someone who can't disable traps.

I think you could keep a lot of the encounters, but make sure you say, "Recommended for a party of at least 3 players" in the description. Did you test it using the level 50 cleric by any chance?

ruinbane

[On] The Witch of the North.

Sorry about correct the quest too late, but I am having a lot of work in July.

Version 1.03:

-I corrected the difficult of the Quest. Now, the encounters and final boss is better easy than the version 1.02.
-The traps of the portcullis doors was deleting. If you die, you can continue the quest from the camp fire.
-The traps was corrected.
-All quest items will consume.
-I deleted dialogs of items and furniture of the quest.

ruinbane

I put a few photos of the quest P)